Is your guy pulling away? Would you do anything to keep your relationship healthy and your guy right by your side?
In spite all of our best intentions, at some point or another in a relationship someone starts pulling away. The reasons why are many and varied but the reality is that, no matter what the cause, having someone you love pull away is incredibly painful. And causes tremendous anxiety.
Luckily, there are things that you can do to keep your relationship healthy even if your guy is pulling away, healthy enough so that you can find you way back to each other.
#1 – Give him some space.
Our first reaction when we feel our guy pulling away is to hang on tighter. Let me tell you, this NEVER works.
I have a client who was dating someone who asked for some time to figure some things out. What did she do? She tried to pull him in tighter. She was scared that she would lose him if she didn’t.
She wanted to be with him all the time and when she wasn’t with him she would text him constantly, wondering where he was. She stalked him on social media to see what he was up to. She made sure that she would ‘just happen to run into him’ at the gym.
What happened? Not only did her guy pull away but he ran away. He needed some space to figure some things out and she didn’t give it to him. Instead, she suffocated him. So, he left.
If your man needs some space, give it to him. Let him figure out whatever it is that he needs to figure out. And when he does, and he realizes that he misses you, come back he will.
#2 – Continue to be yourself.
One thing that many women do when their man starts to pull away from them is to stop being themselves. They figure that if they can just be super nice, not nag, not complain and bend over backwards to please their man then he will come back.
It doesn’t work that way.
If your man is pulling away, it is essential that you continue to be yourself. Who you are is who your man fell in love with. He isn’t going to stay in love some second-rate version of you, one who caters to his every whim.
So, continue to be your strong, independent self. Keep your relationship healthy by staying who you are. Continue being someone any man would want to come back to.
#3 – Don’t make it all about you.
Men pull away from women in relationships for many different reasons. Sometimes it is because they are finding themselves not satisfied in a relationship and they want to get out. But, more often than not, they have their own thing going on and they want space to process it.
Unfortunately, when men do that women want to know exactly what is going on.
We assume that his actions are a reflection of us and our behaviors and we need to ‘talk’ about it. And talk and talk and talk about it. Or we become overly emotional and clingy and desperate to change things. And nothing drives a guy away faster than an overly emotional, clingy and desperate woman who wants to talk.
So, if your guy is pulling away, ask him directly if what he is processing has to do with you. Tell him that you want to know so that you don’t have to wonder. If he says it IS about you, then you can start to work on that with him.
If, however, he tells you clearly that it’s not about you, let it go. It’s really not about you and all of the time sitting around ‘talking about it’ isn’t going to change that.
Step away, let him process his stuff and know that when he figures it out he will come back to you. And by not taking it personally you will actually be a person he wants to come back to.
#4 – Assess whether you are happy in the relationship.
I remember so well when my last boyfriend started to pull away from me. It kind of came out of nowhere and I didn’t understand it.
As soon as I felt him pulling away I set in to fix it. I became ultra-supportive and loving. I made his favorite dinners and went out with his friends, who I didn’t really like. I worked really hard to be the person that he wanted to be in a relationship with. Or who I THOUGHT he wanted to be with.
And then, one day, it hit me. Did I want to be in a relationship with this guy? Was I clinging to him so that I could save our relationship or was I doing so because I didn’t want to be ALONE??
Fortunately I realized before it was too late that I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. That I wanted out, even if I didn’t really want to be alone. So, I left him.
It’s better to be the one leaving than the one left, so pay attention to how you REALLY feel about this guy!
#5 – Get on with your life.
For many of us, when we feel our man pulling away, we put our life on hold. We immerse ourselves in why our man is leaving us, why he doesn’t want to be with us. We put our friends, our families and our work on hold just so that we can be there for him if he needs us.
This is a bad idea. If our man is pulling away it is even more important that we get on with our life, that we still be the person that we are. Because if you want your man to come back to you, you want to be the person who he wants to come back to.
So, sure you can continue to be there for your guy but don’t sacrifice your life in the meantime. A one-sided relationship, where it’s all about one person, is not a healthy relationship.
We woman are healers and fixers and we think that if we try hard enough we can save our man from himself. And, while that’s a great idea, it just isn’t true.
Make sure you give your guy his space, to figure out his issues on his own. Don’t lose who you are or how you live your life, make sure you know what you want and don’t make it all about you.
Make sure you maintain a healthy relationship, one that you both will chose to come back to.
You can do it!
Is your guy pulling away?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
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I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.