Are you struggling after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back?
Have you walked away from someone you loved because you know they don’t love you?
Do you know that you did the right thing but are you still struggling with the pain and self doubt? I get it.
I have been there. Let me help you get through it.
#1 – Check your story.
8 years ago, my husband walked out on me for his college girlfriend. We had been married for 20 years and I was devastated. I raged on about how he could do this to me, to our children? I was angry and sad and out for revenge.
And then a friend gently reminded me that my story was perhaps a little bit off track. Yes, he had walked out on me and that was completely unacceptable. BUT we had been really, really unhappy for a long time. Our kids were headed off to school and neither one of us knew if we were ready to reconnect. It was entirely possible that we would have ended up divorced anyway.
Keeping this in mind, that I wasn’t a victim but a partner in a marriage that had slowly fallen apart, helped me to accept the end of our relationship. The leaving me for someone else without even trying piece of it still stings but the truth is that our marriage was most likely doomed and I am way better off. He is her problem now.
#2 – Take inventory.
One of the first thing I tell all of my clients when they have to walk away from someone they love is to make a list – a list of all of the reasons that they need to walk away from that person.
When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person. And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is causing us pain.
So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him.
You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.
#3 – No contact. None.
I know that we all think that we need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.
I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love.
Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?
So, when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.
Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.
Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.
So, go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!
#4 – Do THAT thing.
Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.
A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated.
I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing. In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.
My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.
#5 – Comfort yourself.
When your heart is broken and you feel like your life is over, one of the best things that you can do is self-care. Your body and your spirit may feel broken but some nurturing will help them heal.
When my husband left me, I was left devastated and alone. My house was empty, my kids were gone and my husband no longer came home at the end of the day. My days were endless and I didn’t know how I was going to survive being alone.
One day, a Groupon appeared in my inbox from Massage Envy, offering a 60 minute massage for $40. I had nothing to do so I bought the Groupon and I made an appointment for a massage. That massage was one of the best hours of my life. I was in a warm room, on a cozy table and I had a lovely woman attending to my aches and pains, making me feel loved and cared for.
I realized that day, when I am emerged from the spa feeling rejuvenated and alive, that doing things that comforted me was what I would need to help me moving forward. From that day on, I would spend some time every day doing things to take care of myself. I did yoga, went for walks, spent time antiquing with girlfriends and drank whiskey by the fire on cold winter nights.
By nurturing myself, by loving myself, I was able to get the strength that I needed to let go of the loss of my marriage.
#6 – Believe your love is out there for you.
I find this to be the number one obstacle to my clients breaking up with someone who doesn’t love them – believing they will never find love again.
Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren’t making them happy don’t leave because they believe that there will never be another person for them. That, if they break up with this person, they will be alone forever!
But that just isn’t true. There are many, many fish in the sea and there is one for you.
Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn’t love you, then you, won’t find that person. But if you can be brave enough to act, and break up with said idiot, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.
Moving on after letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back is a very hard thing to do.
You still love them but you know that you must let them go because of the pain they are causing you. It will be difficult but it is possible!
Make sure that your break up story is a true one, take stock of why are you leaving him for future reference, cut him off, do something amazing, take care of yourself and believe. I can promise you that your guy is out there! You will find him if you can let go of this guy and find yourself again!
If you’ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back.
Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.