loss Archives

Isn ‘ t it wonderful, a new relationship? Getting to know that new special someone, looking across the room at them, and getting butterflies in your tummy. Hours spent sharing your hopes and dreams for the future. Holding hands. Romance. Great sex. Rampant insecurity.

Wait. What?

When we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair.

Who wants that? Surely not you! So how can you stay yourself?

#1 – Remember that you are AWESOME.

Think about the person you are when you are single, when you aren ‘ t questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God ‘ s gift to the world?

This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure. This awesome person who your guy chose to date in the first place.

And remember, you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you so if this one doesn ‘ t appreciate you, too bad for him.

#2 – Live your life.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter, either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, and walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

Not only will you feel good about yourself for doing the things that you love, but when your guy reaches out to see you you will be busy, and that will make him wonder why you aren ‘ t busy with him!!!!

And making him wonder is always good.

#3 – Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spent time on social media.

Even on a good day, social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

Furthermore, spending any time AT ALL stalking your suitor will only lead you to trouble, especially if you can ‘ t find him or see him doing something with someone you don ‘ t want him doing things with. Innocently or no. It will hurt.

So again, go live your life. Don ‘ t sit around and see what someone else ‘ s life looks like.

#4 – Know you probably aren ‘ t the only one feeling this way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And the fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you, they could appear too eager or if they stop by your desk you might find them too needy.

Does that sound kind of familiar? Kind of like how you are feeling? How does it make you feel knowing that they might be feeling the same way too?

Kinda relieved, perhaps? Less insecure? Good.

#5 – Ask yourself ‘ What ‘ s the worst that can happen? ‘

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations, but it ‘ s best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself, ‘ What is the worst that can happen? ‘

The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You had done that before and survived. That you will actually have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn ‘ t suck.

Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn ‘ t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction. Being the rock star that you are.

Because really, what ‘ s the worst that can happen?

We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.

But don ‘ t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn ‘ t work out, there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won ‘ t end no matter what action you take.

Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can be in love with too.

Are you struggling in your new relationship?

Email me at [email protected] and let me help, before it’s too late!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

I remember so well my first broken heart. It was 9^th grade, and Bobby Fortunato, the guy of my dreams, had just broken up with me. We had been going out for two whole weeks. My mom took pity on me and let me stay home in bed and eat jello. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Truly, there might be nothing as bad as a broken heart.

The pain, both in your heart and in your head, is almost unbearable. The end of a relationship is like a death ‘ ¦ you grieve for your loss, and you feel a huge emptiness that you are sure you will never again be able to fill.

How To Heal A Broken Heart And Move On:

Finding ways to heal and move on from this kind of pain can be challenging, but it is possible. In this section I am going to provide tips and strategies to heal a broken heart and move on, so you can start to feel more optimistic about your future.

Whether you’re going through a recent breakup or have been struggling with the aftermath for some time, this guide will offer practical advice on overcoming your heartache and starting the healing process.

#1 – Pay Attention to Your Body:

Most likely, your body is in physical pain due to psychological suffering. And the most likely center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless, making you feel like you will die.

That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that you are less than, that you will never love again, that you will be alone, that you are unlovable. That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts.

Not so helpful, right?

There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first is to talk back to that brain of yours. Tell it that it is ridiculous. That you are amazing, that this loss will only create new opportunities, that you aren ‘ t now, nor ever will you be, alone. It ‘ s not easy, but you can do it.

The second is to remember to breathe. Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 4. This kind of breathing will calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Manage Your Media:

This is a key element in grief management. You have music; you have video; you have social media. USE THEM. They will get you out of your head and inspire you to be powerful. I make a playlist when I am going through hard times. The songs are about empowerment, survival, about living life fully. They go on my I-phone and then get played in my car as I go about my day. And yes, I sing along. Loudly.

Movies work the same way. So many movies are about overcoming the odds, overcoming hard times, and emerging better than before. Find them. Watch them. Be inspired by them. Even cry with them (yes, crying is ok. even good. sometimes great. but don’t wallow).

Be careful of social media. Yes, it is a great tool for feeling connected and distracted, but if you tend to stalk and it causes you pain, then tread lightly. YouTube might be better than Facebook ‘ ¦or so my teenage daughter tells me.

#3 – Do Good:

Nothing feels better than helping out someone in need.

Helping out someone else while you are at your lowest feels even better, believe it or not. When you are grieving, it is easy to turn inside yourself to feel like you are in the worst place a person could be. And while where you do suck, others out there are as bad off or worse. And by helping them, you are also helping yourself.

There are plenty of ways to help out. You can help an elderly neighbor mow their lawn, volunteer at a library, and help children learn to read. Hospitals are always in need of people to help in a variety of capacities. I worked in palliative care for a while. Wow, did that give me some perspective and appreciation of the life I was living?

Pick one. Do it. See how good it makes you feel and make someone else feel better.

#4 – Get Hot:

Yes, you read that right. Get hot.

Exercise is one of the best ways to manage grief. During exercise, your body produces endorphins, and endorphins make you feel better. And, as a side benefit, exercise also gets you in shape.

Imagine having the body you have always wanted – you know what body I am talking about. Now is the time to get it. Start exercising to help manage your grief and use it to get in great shape and feel better about yourself.

And, while it ‘ s not about revenge, let your ex eat his heart out when next he sees you!

#5 – Believe, Believe, Believe:

Yes, right now, your heart is broken. You can ‘ t imagine getting through this day or the next. You know that you will never love or be loved again. Sigh.

No! You have to believe. You have to believe that your great love is out there. You are more than a little loveable, and what you are going through is only temporary. Think about what you want and work on truly believing that you will get it. And then take steps to do so.

You can do it!

And, if you are feeling hot and full of self-confidence from all that exercise and surviving your grief, imagine what that special someone will think when they first lays eyes on you. WOW! Now that ‘ s a great place for your pesky brain to go, don ‘ t you think?

Your world seems like it is over, but it ‘ s not. There are ways to survive a broken heart, even if it seems impossible.

Use my coping techniques, and not only will you get through today and tomorrow in one piece, but you will also build the strength of body and character that will ultimately help you achieve your dreams and find the love of your life.

If you ‘ ve made it this far, you must be struggling with a broken.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before your pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here , and let’s get started!