Can You Be in a Healthy Relationship and Still Miss your Ex?

/by


I had a friend call me today. ‘ ˜How can you be in a healthy relationship and still miss you ex? ‘ she asked.

She had just had a lovely date with her guy and, on the way home, she was compelled, by some unknown force, to find out where her ex lived and drive by his house. She thought she was past him and she was now worried that she was not. She liked her new guy and didn ‘ t want to slip backwards.

I assured her that it is very common for people to still miss their ex when they are dating or in a healthy relationship. There are a number of reasons why and here are a few of them.

#1 – The comfort of the known.

When you are newly dating, or in a healthy relationship, one of the reasons that you still miss your ex is the comfort of the known.

I had a boyfriend once who said it would be so nice to be able to skip the dating and go right to the two year mark in a relationship, where everything was comfortable. Because that ‘ s what new relationships are – uncomfortable – and who wants to be uncomfortable?

With your ex, you knew exactly how things were going to play out. Who eats what for breakfast, who needs space before coffee, what happens during Monday Night Football, how Thanksgiving is spent etc. You were in your relationship for some period of time and you were used to each other and that was comfortable.

With your new relationship, even if it has been going on for a while, you might still not be as comfortable as you were and that makes you think back to your ex and your routines and miss the security that you felt.

So, perhaps, it ‘ s not your ex who you are missing as much as the comfort you felt with someone you knew very well.

#2 – Things you shared.

I have an ex who I definitely should not be with right now but, man, did we have FUN!

One July day, while out sailing on Lake Champlain in Burlington, we flipped our sailboat. We came up, sputtering, still holding our wine glasses. We sacrificed the glasses to the Lake and flipped the boat over. Our bottle of wine was still there – our flip flops and t-shirts gone.

We were laughing SO hard. We sailed home, walked to the closest outside bar with bare feet and shared Dark & Stormys. And that night at the hotel was the perfect cherry on top of a perfect day.

We had lots of memories like that, this guy and I. And I think about those days a lot and, enjoy the memories and the feelings they evoke. I LOVE my new boyfriend in a big way but there are many days that I think back on the fun we had and miss my ex. And that is ok.

#3 – What was good.

Yes, your ex is your ex for a reason but they are also someone you fell in love with. And that means there was some good.

When you miss your ex, do you remember how the two of you were when you first met, when you stayed up all night talking and then stayed in bed in the morning making love? Do you remember how good he was with your friends? Do you remember that funny way she stuck her tongue between her teeth when she laughed? Do you remember how he used to hold your hand when you were anxious going to his parent ‘ s house?

When we break up with someone, the things about them that made us fall in love with them don ‘ t cease to exist. There are still there, in your memory and, perhaps, in real life, and you are going to miss them. Even one of my clients, who was in the most toxic relationship I have ever heard of, misses her ex and the way he could be, even now that she is in a heathy relationship.

So, just because you have broken up, your ex does still have some of the qualities that you fell in love with and, knowing that, will lead to you missing them.

#4 – What you have forgotten.

I have an ex who I used to think of often, even as my relationship grew into the amazing thing it is today. I often found myself thinking about those things above, the good things we shared and the wonderful things he did for me. And I missed him.

And then one day I found an old journal. I had written a few pages in the midst of the turmoil building around the relationship. And, in those written words, I remembered some things that I had forgotten.

It was always all about him – rarely about me. He stopped wanting to have sex quite early on in our relationship and actually strong armed me one day when I made a move. He was insecure and jealous and very possessive.

I had forgotten all of those things. I remembered the one time he sang to me while I was in the shower, the first time we made love and how I believed that I could fix him if I just loved him enough.

This journal helped me to finally let him go – the bad definitely outweighed the good and I had forgotten all about it.

#5 – Who you used to be.

Another reason that you might still miss your ex even if you are in a healthy relationship is because you might miss the person you were in that relationship.

Relationships bring out the best and worst in us and when it ‘ s the best it makes us feel secure and loved.

I remember my first relationship after my divorce. I was fresh meat, out in the world, exploring dating for all of its good and bad. I went into that relationship so fresh, not yet jaded by dating in middle age. I jumped in head first. We travelled, laughed, had amazing sex and fell in love. Ultimately, it didn ‘ t work out but I think about the girl I was during that period of time and I love her. She was going through a really tough divorce but she didn ‘ t let it bring her down. She stepped up, moved on, found love and proved to herself that she could survive anything.

I still think about that guy (and the amazing sex) and don ‘ t wish that I was with him but I relish the person I was when I was with him. And that feels great.

Of course you can be in a healthy relationship and still miss your ex.

Life isn ‘ t linear. I always use the ice cream analogy. Let ‘ s say you have always loved chocolate ice cream. And then all the chocolate ice cream in the world disappears and you can only eat vanilla. And you discover that you LOVE vanilla ice cream. Would that love of vanilla ice cream take away from the love you once had for the chocolate ice cream?

No! It was something you were used to and it made you feel comfortable. You loved that you used to eat it with your kids at the beach in the summer. It tasted really good – although the chocolate didn ‘ t go so well with butterscotch sauce. And, when we eat ice cream, we always love the child that we become – the child that we need to get in touch with more often.

So, if you still miss your ex – it ‘ s ok!! We all do it, at one time or another. The key is to not let it sabotage your new relationship. Again, that person is your ex for a reason and unless hell has frozen over, that reason probably hasn ‘ t changed!

Why Letting Go of Love and Being Friends Is (Mostly) Impossible

/by


It ‘ s funny how the idea of letting go of love and being friends is one that gives us hope.

You know what I mean – the ‘ ˜maybe we can just be friends ‘ concept. The promise that the connection will continue even if the romance and intimacy end. The idea of it makes letting go of someone not so harsh.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is a lovely one but, in my experience, it is (mostly) impossible to do so.

Let me tell you why ‘ ¦

#1 – Sex changes everything.

Have you ever found yourself in bed with someone who you considered a good friend? Did the friendship somehow evolve into something more, either intentionally or by happenstance? Most of us have at one point in our lives.

What happened to that friendship after sex was introduced into the mix? I bet things changed.

Why? It ‘ s actually chemistry. The act of sex, and the hormones that run rampant, connect people in a way that nothing else does. Furthermore, the hormones can cloud our judgement and actually make us attached to someone in a way that might not actually be authentic. Women especially, after having sex with someone, become attached in a way they weren ‘ t before.

Taking this idea into account, imagine it in the reverse – going from being in a hormonally charged sexual relationship with someone and then stepping back and eliminating that part of your relationship completely. Imagine being in the same room with your person and not touching them. Imagine watching them seduce someone else and knowing exactly what that looks like? How could you somehow not feel bad, to some degree, after having shared an intimacy with that person?

I have a male friend who I dated for about two minutes. He is one of my best friends and we share everything but we agree that if we had had sex, if we had connected so intimately, we wouldn ‘ t have been able to be so honest with each other. The sex would have altered our relationship, whether we wanted it to or not.

#2 – The thousand little cuts.

Relationships don ‘ t fall apart because everything is hunky-dory. Relationships fall apart for many reasons but one of the most common ones is a slow and steady death.

This slow and steady death involves a thousand little cuts, daily hurts, big and small, that gradually tear the fabric of the relationship, leaving it tattered and useless.

You know what I mean. When he doesn ‘ t call when he says he will or when she spends more time with her sister than with you or when you disagree on how much to spend on a TV or when he chooses his work over you. Those thousand little cuts, things that hurt a little but, when accumulated, lead to the death of a relationship.

Now, think about being in a friendship with someone who had hurt you over and over and over. Would you keep a friend who had done so? Friendship is about love and trust and mutual support – how can you have that with someone who treated you badly, and who you might have treated badly in return.

So, as you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is an option for you, think about how much pain is between you and if that is something that you want to carry with you going forward.

#3 – Attachment disparity.

In my work as a life coach, couples who want to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ are couples who struggle with an attachment disparity, an unevenness of feelings that exists after the break up.

What this looks like is often the person doing the breaking up wants to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ only because they think it softens the blow of the breakup. They really have no intentions of being ‘ ˜friends ‘ but they throw it out there, trying to ease the pain for their soon-to-be ex. For the person being broken up with, the desire to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ is often a desperate attempt to not lose their person and to maybe even win them back if they can keep them close.

Is there an attachment disparity in your relationship? Are you reading this article because your heart is broken and you want to hold onto your ex in whatever way you can? Are you dangling the idea of friendship out in front of your ex because you think it will hurt them less, not because you actually want to be friends?

Being friends after a relationship, unless the break up is mutual and there is no attachment remaining, can be (mostly) impossible.

#4 – There will be no moving on.

When relationships end, the first thing that I advise people to do is to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with their ex.

This means no social media, no texting, no going out to places you know they will be, no talking to their friends to find out what your ex is up to. Nothing.

Why? Because it can be impossible to move on if you are still in touch with your ex, if you are seeing how they are getting on with their lives without you, hanging out with old friends, and new, and being successful in life, especially if you are struggling.

So how can you move on if you are trying to maintain a friendship with your ex? How can you stop looking to the past and missing what was instead of looking to the future and what could be? How does watching your ex flirt with another person at the end of the bar make you feel anything more than less than? How can you truly be available to another person if you are still hanging on to your ex?

Moving on after a break up is the key to future happiness. Being friends with your ex is a surefire way to prevent that moving on from happening.

#5 – Your new relationship could be dead on arrival.

Let ‘ s say you get involved with a new someone, someone you see a real future with. And let ‘ s say that your new person introduces you to someone they used to date, an ex who is now a ‘ ˜friend. ‘ How would that make you feel? Honestly?

I am lucky enough to have found a man who is secure enough with himself that he is not threatened by my male friendships but for many people, old lovers being friends is not acceptable.

Men and women, both, can be uncomfortable with the shared intimacy that this friend and you shared. They picture you holding hands and talking about the future. They see the connection that you have from being more than friends once. They wonder if there are still feelings between you, ones that threaten the viability of the new relationship.

Is being your ex ‘ s friend important enough to threaten a relationship that you could have with someone who could actually make you happy and give you the future you want? Think about that before you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is the thing for you.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is an attractive one.

When we are connected to someone the idea of losing them can be so painful that we hold on to whatever we can so that pain is eased. But really, having a true friendship with an ex is next to impossible.

Having had sex, having hurt each other, having feelings for someone that might not be reciprocated, having the ability to move on and being able to have a successful relationship in the future are all things that indicate that being friends with your ex can be impossible.

I am friends with many of my exes. We weren ‘ t friends at the time of the break up but, as time passed and life went on, we reconnected. And I do care about these guys but they aren ‘ t truly my friends. Not in the way my girlfriends are. They have hurt me and I have hurt them and there is a degree of separation that exists between us because of that. Yes, I am Facebook friends with them and we occasionally text but truly our time has passed and I am very lucky to have the life I have now. One that I found all by myself without their friendship in my life.

So, think long and hard before taking this ‘ ˜friendship ‘ step. You will be glad you did!

How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Person Over and Over and Be Happy

/by


Did you just have to break up with another total loser and are you wondering how to stop choosing the wrong person over and over so that you can, once and for all, be happy?

It happens to all of us. We so want to find the person we will love forever and yet we repeatedly choose someone who not only isn ‘ t good for us but who is often JUST like the person we dated last time.

Seems silly, right? It is but it is very common. Luckily, you can stop this tendency in its tracks with a little bit of awareness and action.

#1 – Know what you want.

You know when you go shopping for a car or a new house, you have some idea of what you want. Automatic or standard? Red or Black? Ranch or Cape? City or suburbs? Either way, you head into one of the biggest decisions of your life knowing what you want.

Of course, we can ‘ t always get exactly what we want, and sometimes what we want ends up being different from what we thought we wanted, but knowing mostly what we are looking for at the outset is important.

People always say they want someone who is attractive, funny, intelligent, financially secure etc. What I always encourage people to look at, however, is how they want their person to make them FEEL.

For example: instead of someone being attractive, someone who makes me smile when I see them. Instead of someone being funny, someone who makes me laugh out loud. Someone who is financially secure meaning someone who makes me feel safe.

Knowing how you want someone to make you feel is way more important than looking for specific traits in someone. You know that guy who is HOT and then he opens his mouth and what comes out makes you want to run for the hills? That is what I mean.

As you work to stop choosing the wrong person over and over, take stock of what it is you want, how you want your forever person to make you feel.

#2 – Look hard at your past.

Okay, this part is really important. You know the phrase ‘ ˜history repeats itself? ‘ It does, in more ways than one.

If you take a moment and take a run down of your last few lovers I am betting that all of them have at least one thing in common. Perhaps your first reaction is to think that I am wrong here but I am most likely not. Think harder.

One of the biggest issues in my marriage was my husband ‘ s drinking. I swore to myself that I would never choose a guy who drank too much. And what happened? Almost every guy I have dated since my divorce drank too much (except for one, who was in recovery). I also promised myself that my next life partner would have a healthy relationship with his family. Again, this was not a common thread between my partners.

Unless we learn, we tend to choose the same people over and over. We make the same mistakes over and over. This is why so many second marriages fail – because we don ‘ t learn a thing from our first marriage and we plunge in again quickly and blindly.

So, take a serious look at your past. Get out a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of the last few people you have dated. Note their similarities and vow to yourself that you won ‘ t get involved with someone similar again.

#3 – Don ‘ t ignore red flags.

What are red flags, you ask? Red flags are those things that you notice that, as your relationship develops, causes concern. Perhaps your person isn ‘ t nice to their mother or spends a lot of money or struggles to hold a job or doesn ‘ t like your friends. You know what I am talking about.

The thing about red flags is that they are ignorable and, as a result, they get ignored. We see the flags and look past them, hoping that we are wrong or hoping that our person will change or hoping that if we just love them enough those red flags will disappear.

Unfortunately, red flags rarely just go away.

So, if you see red flags that give you pause, that make you wonder if this person is the person you want to be with, don ‘ t ignore them. You probably ignored them in relationships past but I encourage you not to do it again if you want to stop choosing the wrong person over and over.

#4 – Listen to your friends.

How many times have you had someone in your life and your friends told you that that person just wasn ‘ t good for you? How many times did they see the things that you didn ‘ t, or weren ‘ t willing to, see? How many times did they encourage you to stop taking so much shit and move on?

It is essential that, if your friends, the ones who know you well, see issues with your person, LISTEN TO THEM. More often than not, your friends only want what is best for you. Yes, they might have extreme ideas about how bad your person is for you but their ideas are, more often than not, based on the truth.

So, even if you don ‘ t trust yourself to stop choosing the wrong person over and over, trust your friends to have your best interests in mind and look out for you. That ‘ s what friends are for!

#5 – Don ‘ t be scared to be alone.

One of the major reasons that we choose the wrong person over and over is because we are willing to take whatever presents itself to us. We are so scared of being alone or we believe that the person in front of us is the best that we can do that we try to make them be more than they are.

Because we are scared of being alone, we ignore red flags, we don ‘ t listen to our friends, we talk ourselves into believing that this person can be who we want them to be if we just love them enough.

So, a key part of how to stop choosing the wrong person over and over is to know that it ‘ s okay to be alone. And it ‘ s essential that you believe that you can, and will, find someone else.

What I can promise you is that, if you stay with someone who is wrong for you, you will waste time not being single and available for when the right person comes along!

Good for you for wondering how to stop choosing the same person over and over.

We all do it. We all go into dating knowing that we want to be in a couple but we don ‘ t necessarily know what we want. Furthermore, we don ‘ t look at our previous relationships to learn from past mistakes. We ignore red flags and our friend ‘ s advice and we compromise because we are worried that we will be alone forever.

The right person is out there for you. Follow these steps and you will find them and you too can live happily ever after!

You can do it!

How To Let Go Of Obsessive Love Before it Destroys You

/by


Learning how to let go of obsessive love is an essential part of living a happy life.

Obsessions with anything, whether it be alcohol, ice cream, gambling or video games, can wreak havoc on your life. Obsessive love it even worse because your heart is involved and when your heart is involved, the pain is more intense.

Knowing how to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you is how we get out of a love that is causing us pain and move forward to find true love and happiness. Good for you for reading this article! It ‘ s the first step to living the life you want.

#1 – Be determined.

When we want to let go of obsessive love the first step is to get clear on how determined we are to do it.

Letting go of any love, but especially one that is obsessive, is very difficult and if you don ‘ t have the determination that is necessary to take the steps, it won ‘ t be even worth trying.

So, ask yourself how determined are you to let go of this obsessive love? Are you just at the beginning, wondering if perhaps it ‘ s time to work to let go? Have you been thinking about this for a while but are not yet sure that you are willing to take the steps? Or perhaps has the pain gotten so bad that you know that you must do this to save your life?

Again, to do this work and to be successful with letting go of love, you must be determined – willing to work through the pain and stick with the process so that you can let go and be happy.

So, are you determined? If yes, then on to step number 2!

#2 – Be realistic.

For many of my clients, the object of their obsessive love is not someone who is good to them, someone who treats them the way they should be treated. Instead, their person is someone who treats them indifferently, or perhaps unkindly, who makes them doubt themselves and who renders them miserable more often than not.

I have a client whose partner is a narcissistic, alcoholic. He regularly gaslights her, making her believe that their problems are her fault. He comes and goes as he pleases. He sucks her back in with loving words but then disappears again when he gets bored. He has no friends and struggles to maintain a good relationship with his children.

My client doesn ‘ t see this. Yes, she struggles with pain during the times that he mistreats her but what she holds onto is the good things – the times when he treats her right and when they are happy. She has created a person in her head who he is not and it is that person, the good person, who she is obsessed with.

Is your partner someone who you should love the way you do? Is your partner someone who you would encourage a friend to be with should the shoe be on the other foot? Do you hold onto the person who they were when you first met, believing that that is the person they truly are and that if you just love them enough you will get back to being that person?

If you can take a good look at who your lover really is, someone who mistreats you and makes you miserable, then you are way more likely to be able to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you!

#3 – Set a time line.

I always encourage people to go no contact when they are trying to let go of obsessive love. To block them on their phone, to disconnect with them on social media and to stay away from places they frequent. This is the MOST important part of letting go because if you aren ‘ t in contact with your person, it will be way easier to let them go because they won ‘ t have the ability to suck you back in again with their words and actions. You also won ‘ t feel the pain of seeing that they have gone on with their lives without you.

Going no contact can be extremely difficult to do.

With one of my clients, I encouraged her to set up a time line for disconnecting with her boyfriend, one where she would gradually disconnect from him in a way that would be less painful for her. We agreed that she would immediately block him on her phone, so that she wouldn ‘ t be tempted by his voice and his words. She would continue to look at his social media for a week. At the beginning of the next week, she would shut down Instagram. At the beginning of the third week she would shut down Snapchat. On the fourth week she would post her profile on Hitch.

This process would continue until she was disconnected from him completely. Doing this allowed her to go no contact without the intense pain she was afraid of.

Of course, creating a gradual time line doesn ‘ t work for everyone. Personally, cold turkey is the only thing that works for me. It might be the only thing that works for you too.

#4 – Reconnect.

For many of us who have an obsessive love, we lose contact with friends and family because we literally spend every waking day hoping to hear from our person or orchestrating events that would lead to interaction with them.

I had a client who was involved with a married man. She thought about nothing but him morning, noon and night. As a result, she no longer saw her friends. The things that she used to do with them she no longer did because she sat at home, waiting for him to call. Gradually, her friends stopped reaching out because she was never available.

What we need more than anything, as we work to let go of obsessive love, is our friends. Our friends can listen to our words of sadness, can help distract us from the pain of letting go and help us face the reality of who our person really is, not the person we have created in our head.

So, reach out TODAY to some of your friends. Make a plan to get together. Apologize if necessary, explaining to them what has happened to you. Friends will always be there for you and now you need them more than anything.

#5 – Push back on the pain.

One of the biggest reasons that we have such a hard time letting go of love is because we are afraid of the pain that we will feel if we do so. The human fear of pain is so intense because we literally need it to survive. The fear of pain prevents us from sticking our hand in a fire or cutting ourselves with a knife or throwing ourselves off a cliff because we are scared about the prospect of that pain.

This same idea is why we don ‘ t want to break up with someone – we fear the pain that we will feel if we walk away.

To combat this, I would encourage you to take stock of your life, to take a good look at all you have in the world, to take a good look at who you are as a person.

Think about the person you were before you met this person. I know that the obsessive love that I carried for a man made me feel like a completely different person. Before I met him I was a confident and brave woman who owned her own business and took shit from no one. Two years later, I was a woman who sat at home, waiting for his call, feeling pathetic and full of self-loathing because I had become this person.

Yes, you will feel some pain if you walk away from this person, but how good would it feel to be that person you were before? Would suffering the inevitable pain, which will ease with time, be worth it if you could be back to who you had been, living an authentic life? I know it was for me and here I am today, back to the confident woman I was before, this time with the love of my life, the man who treats me like a queen, at my side!

I know that the idea of having to let go of an obsessive love is scary.

I know that you think you will never be happy again if you do so but I know that you are moving towards being ready because you are reading this article.

Take some time and decide how determined you are to do this. If you are ready to do the work, take stock of the person you love – are they who you think they are? Are you ready to step away from all interactions with them? Are you looking forward to reconnecting with your friends and yourself?

I know that you can do this. I know that you can let go of obsessive love and live the life you have always wanted, full of love and happiness.

Take the steps now and make it happen!

How Being Happy When You are Single Is Yours for the Taking

/by


Did you know that being happy when you are single is something that is within arm ‘ s reach for you, right now as you read this article?

Did you know that there are ways to accept that you are alone and truly be ok with it?

I believe that acceptance is the key to living successfully and, if you can accept that you are not doubled up (although maybe not forever), being happy when you are single is the best way to be content and look forward to your future with hope.

So, how can you be happy when you are single?

It ‘ s about rearranging your mind set. Instead of focusing on everything that is wrong with your life because you aren ‘ t with someone, focus on the benefits of being single, how being single actually enhances your life instead of detracts from it.

Here are some things to consider as you work towards being happy when you are single.

#1 – It ‘ s all about you.

One of the best parts about being alone is that the only person you have to take care of is you.

Take a look at your day. How much of it is spent taking care of your person? Do you have to cook for them or do errands for them or make sure their laundry is done on time? Of course, you love doing all of those little things but do you sometimes do them at the expense of your own needs?

I know that for the years that I lived by myself I had a lot of extra time in my day because I was only cooking (or not!), cleaning and planning for myself and only myself. That extra time not only allowed me more time for doing what I wanted to do, it also gave me the time to build my business and to volunteer to work with people living with mental illness.

Now that I am with someone else, I spend a good portion of my day taking care of him and his needs. And I love him and don ‘ t mind doing this but I must admit that some days I wish I didn ‘ t have to.

Imagine if your everyday was full of doing only what you wanted to do, taking care of only yourself, cooking (or not), watching whatever TV you want to watch, going to bed on your own schedule and not picking up anyone else ‘ s clothes.

How amazing would that feel?

#2 – You can do things your way.

Now, don ‘ t get me wrong. The willingness to compromise is important in every relationship. However, in many relationships, we sometimes compromise too much.

I know that when one of my clients was married, she lived her life for what her husband wanted and needed. He wanted her to quit a job that she loved, so she did. He wanted to move to another town, and even though she loved their current house, she agreed nonetheless.

He insisted they have dinner with his family on Sundays, in spite of the fact that her family was around on Sunday nights as well.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, her ex compromised too, I am sure, but she had to bend over backwards most days to make him happy.

Imagine that, not having to negotiate with someone else around something that you want or don ‘ t want to do. Living your own life on your own terms. That ‘ s a huge reason why being happy being single doesn ‘ t seem unreasonable at all.

#3 – No more daily little hurts.

One of the hardest things about relationships, both good and bad ones, is the daily little hurts, those little tiny hurts that occur over the course of a relationship, cuts that undermine the strength of the relationship and, sometimes, lead to its collapse.

What kind of little hurts? Not coming home on time, leaving underwear on the floor, lying about how much beer you had with your buddies, spending more money at the dress shop then planned, farting without apologizing, not walking the dog at the right time, slurping your coffee, snoring etc. You get the picture.

One of reasons that you can be happy when you are single is that you aren ‘ t subjected to those little daily pains, the ones that make you feel so bad about yourself and so bad about your relationship.

When I was alone, I remember distinctly how much better I felt at the end of the day because no one had caused me pain that day. My dog was curled up next to me, and he only loved me. I felt pretty good about myself, I have to say.

#4 – Love is all around you.

This last thing is something that seems so obvious but often isn ‘ t when we are feeling sorry for ourselves for being alone.

When you aren ‘ t in a relationship one thing that you notice is that love is accessible anywhere. While romantic love is lovely, you can find love in both usual and unusual places.

First and foremost, you have steadfast and strong love from your friends and family. You know that they will be there for you through thick and thin and that you will always have someone to cry with or go to the movies with or spend the holidays with. No matter what.

There are also other ways to find love. A big source of love is volunteering. There is nothing better than working with people or animals who need love and support for bringing more love into your life. When I was first single, I volunteered at a food shelter once a week and when I went home I felt like a million bucks.

Another way to get unconditional love is with a pet. It might sound like a cliché but it ‘ s true. How many single women do you know who have a pet? They might call us crazy cat ladies but the joke is on them because we are happy crazy cat ladies!

So, know that, if you are single, you can get love in all sorts of places and, yes, you can be happy being alone.

#5 – You can be exactly who you want to be.

The most amazing part of being alone is that you are totally free to be who you want to be.

Of course, being in a partnership can be wonderful but, whether you are happy or not, because you are part of a twosome you are sometimes limited in your choices of who you can be in the world.

After my husband and I got divorced I decided that I was sick of living in the country. I sold my 3000 square foot house in Vermont and moved to a 200 square foot apartment in NYC. I started a life coach business, became a mental health advocate and I no longer had to shovel snow because my doormen did it!

If you are alone, the sky is the limit for who you want to be in the world. That is definitely worth a lot!

As you can see, being happy when you are single isn ‘ t all that hard and is right within reach.

I know that in this modern world being a part of a pair seems imperative but more and more people are realizing that it ‘ s not. Being alone gives you options, you can be selfish and giving and your daily life can be happier and you can be truly who you want to be.

I have a client who was a housewife and a mother before she got divorced and now she is an accountant and a stock trader. She owns her own house, has two amazing girls (and three grandchildren) and she is happy as a clam. She occasionally dates but then realizes that, for her, it doesn ‘ t make her feel good so she stops and goes back to her very happy life!

You can be happy being single too. Truly.

Why Dating A Married Man Will Only Lead to Heartbreak

/by


If you are thinking about having an affair, let me first tell you why dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to heartbreak.

The concept that dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to a broken seems like a no brainer – they are married and therefore off the market. A vow has been made that both people need to honor and straying from those vows just shouldn ‘ t be an option.

Unfortunately, in this world of life and love, it ‘ s just not that simple. Married people do, for many reasons, get involved with people outside of their marriage. Perhaps they are unhappy or insecure or lonely or chronically unfaithful. For whatever reason, people stray.

While it seems that the spouse would be the one left most injured in this situation, it is often the person who chooses to date the married person who will suffer most. Don ‘ t believe me?

Here are 5 reasons why dating a married man or woman will only lead to heartbreak. Read them and you will see that my words are true.

#1 – They will never leave their spouse. Ever.

I had a client who reconnected with a college boyfriend via Facebook. They struck up an innocent conversation and agreed to meet the next time he was in the city for work. He was married and she was not. Unfortunately, when they met under the clock at Grand Central Station their college connection sparked back up immediately.

He had been unhappily married for years and she was very lonely after her divorce and the connection was so organic and easy. Within days they fell in bed, within weeks they were professing their love for each other and within a month he said he was leaving his wife for her. She was so happy. All of her dreams were coming true.

Two years later, my client was still waiting for her lover to leave his wife.

Her lover genuinely loved her, that she knew, but there was always a reason why he couldn ‘ t leave. His daughter was having a hard time, his son was going off to college, a summer vacation had been planned, the holidays were approaching.

‘ ˜I will do it after that ‘ he was always promising. And he never did. Never.

I can tell you story after story after story like this one, where the married person swears they willleave their spouse for their new lover but they don ‘ t. They don ‘ t want to hurt their children or make a decision that has financial consequences or disappoint extended family or damage their reputation in the community. So, they don ‘ t leave.

And, really, why do they need to? They have you hook, line and sinker. You are sitting at home waiting for them, always available for support and sex. They have everything they want from you without giving up their family.

So, first and foremost, know that, one of the major reasons why you should never date a married man (or woman) is because they will never leave their spouse. Period.

#2 – Life as you know it will cease to exist.

When you are dating married man or woman, your life will cease to move forward in any meaningful way.

Think about when you start dating someone. You meet, you are attracted and you get to know each other. You talk about hopes and dreams for the future. You commit to being exclusive. You meet each other ‘ s friends and family. You take steps to move in together and maybe get married. All of those things are the natural progression of a healthy relationship.

When you get involved with a married man or woman, everything is different. Yes, you have the fun beginning – the meeting, the attraction, the staying up all night talking, the belief that you have found the love of your life. But that is where it ends.

If you are involved with a married man or woman, you will never meet their friends and family, you will never be able to take steps towards a future together. All of your talk about a future together will be empty because your person isn ‘ t leaving their spouse.

So, there you are,in stasis, not moving forward with life and love because you are waiting for your person to take action. You get sadder and lonelier and angrier and obsessed with the situation you are in. You give up dating and friends and hobbies so that you can be available whenever your lover wants to see you.

Life as you know it stops.

Life is short and every minute that you spend waiting for someoneto leave their spouse and commit to you is a wasted one and one that will keep you from finding the person who can love you fully and give you the life you want.

#3 – You will hate yourself.

For my client, one of the reasons that her lover was so attracted to her in the beginning was because she was a hot ticket. She had a cool studio in the city from which she had started her own business. She did volunteer work and made a huge difference in the lives of people living with mental illness. She was a great parent and an amazing lover. All of those things made him fall in love with her hard and fast.

Over the two years she waited for her lover to leave his wife, my client ‘ s life fell apart. Her work suffered, she lost touch with her friends, volunteering because increasingly hard and depression was her constant companion.

Furthermore, she detested herself for her inability to walk away from her lover. She grew to realize over time that his promises, while well meant, were empty. She knew that she was lonely and angry and that her self-hatred grew every day and yet she found herself incapable of picturing a life without him and she just couldn ‘ t saygoodbye.

One day, my client told me that she felt like a shadow of the person she was when she started out on this affair. She didn ‘ t have to self-confidence to take the steps that she needed to take to get her life back. She was lost and empty.

The love that initially fed her, body and soul, was sucking her dry.

#4 – You will always feel alone.

The days that my client felt most acutely unhappy in her relationship with her married man were those special days – the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

She spent her birthday alone with a bouquet of flowers that had been delivered in the morning. She spent Christmas alone, looking at pictures of his family around the tree that his daughter had posted on Instagram. Weekends were spent waiting for text messages. Night times were not for dating but for watching TV. Alone.

Once, for his birthday, she bought him a new briefcase – a beautiful leather one to replace his raggedy old canvas one. She presented it to him with excitement only to be told after he opened it that his wife had purchased him a new one and that he would have to use it. She was devastated. All of the thought and love that she had put into the gift was for not.

So, as you consider embarking on an affair with a married man or woman, consider that you will spend a lot of time alone, waiting on your person to take steps to be with you and knowing that chances are good that they won ‘ t.

#5 – It will all fall apart in the end.

Every healthy relationship is based on two things – communication and trust. An affair involves the absence of both of those things.

Obviously, if you are dating a married man or woman, you are involved with someone who is cheating on their partner and all trust is nonexistent. How can you ultimately trust someone who you know is willing to cheat? The old adage ‘ When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy ‘ rings true every time.

Furthermore, the foundation of a healthy relationship is communication and if most conversations are full of lies and false promises and lead to only hurt and disappointment, healthy communication will cease and any relationship will be doomed from the start.

In other words, if in fact your dreams do come true and your loverleavestheir partner, your relationship will be doomed to fail. After all that pain and suffering. Doomed.

Dating a married man (or woman) is an excellent way to ensure your heart, and your life, will be shattered into a million pieces.

Know that, if you choose to go down the infidelity path, your lover will never leave his spouse and his family, your life will be put on hold, you will always be lonely and your self-esteem will plummet. Moreover, should you ever get the relationship you desire, it will be dead on arrival because trust and communication will no longer exist.

I know that right now your married person seems like the answer to all of your dreamsbut know that they are, instead, the stuff that nightmares are made of.

How to Infidelity Proof Your Marriage To Keep it Healthy and Strong

/by


Are you looking for ways to infidelity proof your marriage so that you can be happy and your marriage will last forever?

Have you married the person of your dreams and do you want to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship solid and healthy and infidelity proof?

Infidelity is something that no one sets out to do in a marriage – it is something that is often borne of unhappiness in a relationship, of a disconnect that has grown over time. Of course, some people are just chronically unfaithful but, more often than not, there are things that can be done to keep your marriage strong and protect it against the risk of infidelity.

Luckily, learning the tools to infidelity proof your marriage is not difficult and there are things that you can put to use immediately so that your relationship can go stronger quickly.

Here are 5 ways to infidelity proof your marriage NOW.

#1 – Share.

I know, I know. Every blog that you have read says that communication is the key to every healthy relationship. The reason that every blog says this is because it ‘ s the truth.

Think of every marriage that you know that is unhealthy. Looking in from the outside, do you see an inability to communicate, to share feelings, to explain when they have been wronged, to address how they feel about an issue or even to ask for what they want?

Do you see people who aren ‘ t willing to be vulnerable and tell their person how they feel about them or that their person is causing them pain? Do you see people who share their deepest thoughts and emotions with others but keep their partner in the dark?

Every healthy marriage is based on the ability to communicate with each other in a meaningful way, to speak up when something is bothering them, to feel safe knowing that if you do speak you won ‘ t be attacked, to know that your person will listen to you with an open heart.

So, set up healthy communication with your spouse and infidelity proof your marriage from the outset.

#2 – Maintain trust.

The number one way to strengthen your relationship so that nothing can break it apart is to establish trust and maintain it. When trust is lost, it ‘ s hard to regain. When trust is lost, it is easy for a marriage to fall apart and for infidelity to be a risk.

Trust can be lost in big ways and small. Big ones, of course, include infidelity and betrayal. It is the small ones, surprisingly, that can be most destructive to a marriage.

A client of mine had a husband who was always making her promises. He said he would go look at new windows for their house but went to the office instead. He said that he would take out the garbage but watched the game instead. He promised to be home in time for dinner but rarely was.

One small instance at a time, by saying he would do something but then not do it, my client ‘ s husband eroded her trust in him. As time went on, she trusted him less and less until, one day, she found herself with one foot out of the marriage. She no longer felt like she could be with someone she couldn ‘ t trust.

So, think hard about maintaining trust in your relationship. Whether it ‘ s about big things or small, when trust is lost it ‘ s almost impossible to regain.

#3 – Assume nothing.

I can ‘ t tell you how many clients of mine have told me, when I ask them how they communicate their feelings to their spouses, that they don ‘ t need to tell their partners that they love them ‘ ˜because they know. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how of my clients spend weekends with their parents or take walks with their friends or watch TV alone in the living room, assuming that it ‘ s okay with their partner that they not be doing things together.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients treat their partners with contempt and disregard, assuming that they will always be there, no matter how they are spoken to.

One of the things that happens in marriage is that, after a while, we start to take each other for granted. In the beginning, we stay constantly in touch, we spend time together, we share our feelings, we include each other in activities. As time goes on, we become less attentive and fall into a pattern of taking our spouses for granted.

Taking each other for granted will NOT infidelity proof your marriage. It will, instead, leave it highly vulnerable to someone from the outside stepping in.

If you want to infidelity proof your marriage, make sure that you never assume ANYTHING in your relationship. Don ‘ t assume that your person knows you love them – tell them! Don ‘ t assume that your person doesn ‘ t want to spend time with you or is okay with you disappearing every Sunday morning. Don ‘ t assume that your person will just take whatever you dish out and be there for you when you need them.

When you are done with this article, go find your person and kiss them, make plans for a hike in the morning and thank them for taking out the garbage. It could change everything for you.

#4 – Be honest. Always.

Has anyone ever said to you ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because I didn ‘ t want to hurt you? ‘ Or perhaps ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because it didn ‘ t seem important? ‘ Or even ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you for your own good? ‘

All of these things are examples of LIES – sometime lies with good intentions but lies nonetheless.

It is essential that, to infidelity proof your marriage, you always be honest with your partner about everything – everything.

If you go out with an old beau for dinner, be honest with your person and tell them. If you put a dent in the car, don ‘ t blame it on someone else. If you don ‘ t like broccoli, don ‘ t pretend that you do. If Sundays at his mothers are too much for you, don ‘ t pretend they aren ‘ t.

When you don ‘ t tell the truth to your spouse, you automatically put up a wall between the two of you. You have something that you aren ‘ t sharing with your partner and that will only create some distance between the two of you. And when there is distance, distrust often follows. And lack of trust, as we know, can kill a relationship.

So, NEVER lie to your spouse. Even for ‘ ˜their own good. ‘

#5 – Get physical.

This last way infidelity proof your marriage is a fun one. Getting physical.

Getting physical, in many forms, is the glue that can hold a relationship together. When touch stops, marriages can founder.

While I do include sex when I talk about getting physical, what I really mean is the everyday little things. The pat on the butt when walking through the kitchen, the kiss before leaving in the morning, holding hands on a walk, spooning at bedtime. All of these wonderful things count as touching.

What happens when we touch someone is profound. While our intellects are always processing our interpersonal interactions, touch is something primal, something that affects our emotions in a way that our brains cannot.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can help a relationship in profound ways. Hugs make the body produce ‘ ˜oxytocin, ‘ a feel good chemical. Hugs make us feel safe and secure. Hugs say a lot without words. Hugs mend in a way that words can ‘ t always do.

So, make an effort to keep your hands on your partner. Of course, not all the time but as often as is right for both of you. The non-verbal communication that happens with touch can infidelity proof your marriage in a way that more intellectual efforts cannot.

Knowing ahead of time how to infidelity proof your marriage is an excellent way of setting it up for success.

Much like learning how to drive a car or be successful at work, knowing the rules around a marriage can keep yours healthy and strong.

So, make an effort to talk to your person, open and honestly, to never make assumptions, to work to maintain trust on both sides, to always tell the truth and to use the non-verbal communication of touch to let your partner know how you feel.

Love is grand. If you have found that special someone to love forever, do what you need to do to keep infidelity proof your marriage and live happily ever after.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Red Flags That Signal That Your Relationship is Toxic

/by


Are you wondering if your relationship is toxic? Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can get yourself out of a relationship that is toxic and also keep you from entering one in the future.

Here are 5 flags that signal that your relationship is toxic, five flags that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You walk on eggshells.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action and feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends more time in the garage knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear red flag that your relationship is toxic. No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is shot.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. She not longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a sign that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – Your health is failing.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not being loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eat well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a sign that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider what the next steps are for you to get your health back.

#4 – You are noticing substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be payed attention to.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to substances to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

On the other hand, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – Your friends have pulled away.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, it is possible that your individual friends will pull way from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is the reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

I know that prospect is daunting but you can do it – you only have one life to live and living it the way you are now isn ‘ t serving you in any way. Reach out to a therapist or a life coach and see what you can do to help heal your relationship or to help you walk away.

You can do it!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin