5 Things To Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating

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Ok, so you have a hunch, and you suspect your spouse is cheating.

Or perhaps someone has told you something that has led you to believe that it might be true.

Either way, you suspect your spouse is cheating, and you are probably devastated and scared and feeling lost and shocked and angry and more. Your emotions are all over the place, and you most likely aren ‘ t thinking clearly.

I am guessing you could use some help, so here I am.

I will share with you 5 things to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating so that you can move forward in a healthy way.

#1 – Consider the source.

If someone has told you that they suspect that your spouse is cheating, for whatever reason, consider the source.

Is the person sharing this info someone you love and trust, or is it someone who might have an agenda?

The difference here is important to know – one of those people is looking out for you, and one of those people might be looking out for themselves. So, if they are the second kind of person, listen to what they say with a grain of salt!

On the other hand, if you suspect that your spouse is cheating because your gut is telling you so, think carefully. Is your gut usually right in these instances, or are you someone who goes to that worst place easily? Do you have trust issues from past relationships? Does your gut have any real reason to go to that place, or is it just a natural inclination of yours?

Whether it’s another person or your gut that is telling you that your spouse is cheating, it ‘ s important to pay attention to that source and make sure their intentions are good and based on some truth.

#2 – Don ‘ t snoop.

I know right now you are DYING to snoop. You have suspicions, and you need to find out everything that you can to confirm.

DON ‘ T.

I have a client who believed that her husband was having an affair and she snooped. She went onto his email and his phone and his Instagram, and his Messenger. And there she found evidence that he was, in fact, having an affair.

What she also found in her snooping was way more information than she needed. She learned about specific things they did, read the words they said to each other, read unkind things the other woman said about her and more. It was awful.

‘ ˜I wish I hadn ‘ t snooped, ‘ she said. ‘ ˜I can ‘ t unsee what I saw and it ‘ s making it really hard for me to work through it. ‘

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, I would highly recommend that you don ‘ t snoop, but you face the situation head-on. What you might find might be more than you can handle. I know it was for my client.

#3 – Ask them directly.

This piece of what to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating is very important. It is very important that you sit down across from your person, look them in the eye and tell them what you know/think. Try to do it calmly and watch their expression carefully.

It would take an amazing actor to be able to deny an affair when their spouse puts it so calmly and clearly. And that is why you want to be looking them in the face – so that you can read their reaction because it might just be a fleeting one. For just a few seconds, their guilt will be written across their face.

If, in the midst of a fight, you throw out that you suspect the affair, emotions will already be heightened, and you won ‘ t be able to read your partner. Alternately, if you take the passive-aggressive route, where you fish around for answers, you are just going to frustrate your person, and they will be ready for you if you ever ask directly.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, ask them as soon as possible. If you do, you won ‘ t have to sit around obsessing and you can get your answers and figure out what to do next

#4 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

There is a phenomenon in the world of infidelity that looks like this – the partner being cheated on takes all the blame for what has happened.

They blame themselves for not being good enough or pretty enough or attentive enough or worthy of love. They blame themselves for being stupid and ignorant and missing the signs. They believe that if they confront their partner, all of those things will be true.

I am here to tell you that what has happened is not your fault. Yes, there are two people in every relationship and each of them has a role in it ‘ issues, but you weren ‘ t the one who found someone else and cheated. You are the one who stayed even if the going was hard.

So, don ‘ t be hard on yourself. Don ‘ t let your fears and self-blame prevent you from confronting what has happened. As a matter of fact, if you do confront the issue head on you will prove to yourself that you aren ‘ t weak, that you respect yourself and that you have the strength to take on, head first, a very difficult and devastating situation.

#5 – Don ‘ t spread the news.

A client of mine discovered some emails that another woman had written to her husband six months earlier. They were declarations of love, playful banter and a tearful goodbye when they had to part. She called her husband out on them. He denied it completely but went home and deleted all emails immediately.

When she asked him why he deleted the emails he said that he couldn ‘ t abide the thought of her sharing those emails with her friends.

I know that if you suspect your spouse is cheating, you will need some support to process it. And I encourage that. But don ‘ t be the person who gets up at a dinner party and announces the infidelity to the world. That isn ‘ t going to help anyone.

Instead, keep what is happening between the two of you and your closest support system. Ask them to keep it to themselves.

These things get bigger and uglier the more oxygen is exposed to them, and the goal is not to let this situation spin out of control but to keep it in a manageable size so that you can work through it and come out the other side intact.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, you are probably feeling like your world has ended.

Don ‘ t get me wrong – things are bad – but I also know that you can work through this.

Make sure, before you go too far down the path of suspicion, that you consider if the source is trustworthy. Don ‘ t snoop, and be direct. Do not blame yourself, and keep what has happened close.

If your partner is cheating, you are going to have a lot to deal with in the near future. Doing these things will help you get through what is happening quicker, whether it’s towards healing or walking away.

So, pause and take a deep breath. You will figure this out. One step at a time.

You can do this!

Frequently Asked Questions

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5 Reasons Feeling Insecure in a Relationship is a Red Flag

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Are you feeling insecure in your relationship and wondering if it ‘ s a red flag?

Did you start out feeling confident, but have you, over time, started questioning yourself in the relationship and how and why things are happening the way they are happening?

Do you find yourself doing anything you can to feel more secure in the relationship, to no avail?

If you are feeling insecure in a relationship, there can be many reasons why. Most of them are, I am afraid, red flags, so being aware of that is very important for your future happiness, whether in this relationship or another.

Here are 5 reasons why feeling insecure in a relationship might be a red flag.

#1 -You aren ‘ t being treated well.

Ask yourself this question – are you being treated well in this relationship?

Does your person show up when they say they are going to? Are they honest with you? Do they treat you with respect? Do they include you in activities that they enjoy doing?

If your answer to any of these questions is no, you are not being treated well. And not being treated well can make someone insecure to the extreme, especially if you were being treated well at the beginning of the relationship.

And, needless to say, if you are not being treated well in a relationship, it ‘ s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Don ‘ t try to hold on to how things were in the beginning, trying to believe that if you only try hard enough, or hang around long enough, things can get back to the way they were. The old days are gone. And if you aren ‘ t being treated well, time to get out!

#2 – You are not being yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Are you being your true self in this relationship? Would your friends say that the person you are when you are with your partner is the person you usually are?

Many people who are feeling insecure in a relationship are so because they aren ‘ t being their authentic selves. Instead, they have twisted themselves into a pretzel, trying to be who their person wants them to be. As a result, they know, deep down, that they aren ‘ t themselves and that their partner loves someone else..

I have a client who loved to drink, and when she was with her boyfriend, who was in recovery, she didn ‘ t drink. She said that she was fine with this, but when they weren ‘ t together, she got hammered. And he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with a girl who got hammered. All of this made her feel bad about herself, and ultimately their relationship fell apart.

So, ask yourself if you are being authentic. If you aren ‘ t, you feeling insecure in a relationship might be about that, and it is a huge red flag that your relationship could fail.

#3 – You are ignoring signs.

You know when you see something very clearly but you choose to ignore it because you just don ‘ t want to deal?

Like you know that if you don ‘ t finish this project in time, you might get fired. Or if you don ‘ t apologize to your sister, things are going to get worse? Or if you know that your credit card payment is due so you hide the bill so you don ‘ t have to think about it?

All of those things won ‘ t help you feel good about yourself in any way and usually lead to feelings of insecurity.

It is the same thing in a relationship. For my client, who pretended she didn ‘ t drink when she was with her guy, she was also a pro at ignoring any signs that the relationship wasn ‘ t all that she wanted it to be.

He would say he was coming over and he would be hours late. He wouldn ‘ t answer his phone calls because he was supporting other people. He told her he didn ‘ t want a real relationship but would come over looking for sex anyway.

All of these things made her feel insecure and because she was ignoring them (and not telling me about them), they just got worse.

Ignoring the signs that things aren ‘ t good is a huge red flag that your relationship might be doomed.

#4 – You aren ‘ t listening to your friends.

How many times have you told a friend something, only to have them ignore you and do what they want anyway? Hundreds, right?

Are your friends telling you things right now that you are ignoring? Are they pointing out issues in your relationship that aren ‘ t healthy? Are they pointing out red flags that you are missing? Are they making you feel like your relationship might not be as good as you want it to be?

If you are ignoring your friends, it might be one reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your relationship is healthy, the words of your friends are always buzzing in your head, causing you to question your relationship and feel bad about yourself.

And if your friends are telling you to get the hell out of there, that is definitely a red flag!

#5 – Your life has been thrown off course.

Is your life not what it used to before this relationship began? Have you lost touch with some of your friends? Has your work suffered? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your life has been thrown off course because of the relationship that you are in?

I remember being in a relationship with someone who wouldn ‘ t commit to me. He kept on saying he would, but then he would come and go. It was making me question everything about myself. I couldn ‘ t sleep, my work suffered, and I blew off my friend, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I felt like a shell of the person I was before the relationship. And boy, was I feeling insecure as a result, especially because of the fact that I knew this unhealthy relationship was bringing me down.

So, if your life has been thrown off track by this relationship, pay attention. The insecurity that you are feeling is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.

I know that feeling insecure in a relationship does not feel good.

Relationships should be all about love and friendship and good times, not about being disrespected, not being yourself, losing your friends and your life and ignoring signs that this all indicates toxicity.

Take good stock of the things I talked about above. If there are red flags that you are ignoring in your relationship and they are making you feel insecure, do something about it. Confront it – either with your partner or on your own.

Don ‘ t waste one more minute in a relationship that makes you feel insecure. Life is too short!

You can do it!

5 Ways to Keep A Healthy Relationship Healthy

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Good for you for wanting to learn how to keep a healthy relationship healthy.

In spite of what we have been taught in fairy tales and movies, living happily ever after isn ‘ t as easy as it looks. For a healthy relationship to stay healthy, it is important to do the work.

The work can be challenging at times, but the results are worth it. We all just want to love and be loved and paying attention to the things that need to be paid attention to to keep a relationship healthy is key.

Here are 7 ways to keep a healthy relationship healthy.

#1 – Build a good foundation.

A good foundation is important for every structure and relationship especially.

The habits that you develop at the beginning of your relationship will carry you forward. In fact, if there are things that you are hoping will change as your relationship progresses, forget it. We only become more of who we are the older we get.

What are important pieces of a good foundation?

On the most basic level, trust is essential for every relationship. If you can not trust your partner to be honest with you, to be there when you need them, to know that they will always look out for your best interests, then you may as well be alone. Because if you can ‘ t trust your partner, who can you trust?

Another key piece of a good relationship is honesty. Have you ever lied to someone because you wanted to protect them? Have you said to yourself that a little white lie isn ‘ t a big thing? Well, you are wrong.

If you want to keep your healthy relationship healthy, tell the truth. Whether big or small, a lie can break down the foundation of even the best relationships.

So, set a good foundation for your relationship. It will be important that you do so going forward.

#2 – Be respectful.

Nothing is worse in a relationship than when respect is gone. When respect is gone, it is replaced by contempt, and no relationship can survive when there is contempt.

If you spend time with any couple who has been together a while, you will know what I mean. One person ‘ s habits have become too much for the other person, and it is very clear.

My ex-husband used to often come home late from work. At first, I begged him to be home in time for dinner. He tried but most often failed. I got increasingly frustrated and starting losing respect for him. I eventually stopped asking him and eventually started telling him that he was rendering himself irrelevant. That we didn ‘ t need him home for dinner anyway.

How great did that make him feel? He is my ex-husband, you notice.

#3 – Have a healthy sex life.

Sex is an essential piece of any healthy relationship. It is important that every couple maintain a certain amount of intimacy to stay connected.

What is very important about monogamous people’s sex is that it works for both people in the relationship. If he wants to have sex 5 days a week and she doesn ‘ t want to have sex more than once, a compromise must be made so that you can both be satisfied.

If no compromise is made, disaster can result. She might get resentful If she has sex with him more than she might like because she might feel forced to do it. If they only have sex once a week, he might get resentful that that is all he gets.

So, have a discussion with your partner. Make sure that both of you are happy with the amount and quality of the sex you share.

It could be the glue that holds you together.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up on yourself.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship are not completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, you will only be setting yourself up for failure. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

So, call up some friends and make a date for dinner and the movies. Your partner will be fine and will be very happy to see you when you return.

Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

#5 – Make each other feel loved.

Did you know that while you might feel like the things that you are doing for your partner make them feel loved, those things might not actually be working?

Shocking, I know!

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of usexpress lovein waysthatWE want to be loved – as opposed to in waysour partner wants to be loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewellery as an expression of affection, but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug, but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is learning what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you learn what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel loved.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around this concept of there being 5 languages of love and, thus 5 ways to express love to your partner. And when you use your partner ‘ s love language, they will FEEL loved.

Check out his website and online quiz here.

Learning as much as you can about how to keep a healthy relationship healthy is the key to being able to do so.

Of course, once you have the knowledge that you need, it is important that you take action on it, an action that only feeds your relationship health. Don ‘ t wait until things are bad before you take action. Do it now while things are still good!

Create a good foundation, respect each other, make sure you have a mutually satisfying sex life, make sure you keep your own life and make each other feel loved.

If you can do these things, then your chance of having the happily ever after you have always sought will be within reach!

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do if Your Boyfriend ‘Forgot’ Valentine’s Day

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February 14 is the most romantic of days and, in spite of its importance, your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s day, didn ‘ t he?

Instead of waking you up to chocolate or flowers or words of affirmation or a nice brunch out, did your boyfriend jump out of bed, kiss you quickly and head out for a run, returning with bagels and a paper and not a word about what day it was.

Are you left feeling angry and hurt by his lack of recognition, the fact that he (perhaps once again) forgot Valentine ‘ s day, making your question your self-worth and whether he truly loves you?

Before you go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt, here are a few things that you can do if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, things that you can do to put it in perspective, ease the pain and maybe gain some insight.

#1 – Don ‘ t take it personally.

‘ ˜What? ‘ you say, ‘ ˜How can I not take it personally? If he loved me, he would have made an effort to do something for me. ‘

I know it sounds logical and simple, and for many women it is. But for many men, expressions of affection, whether with words or gifts, are akin to speaking Greek. Something they would love to do but something that seems overwhelming and daunting. And so, instead of owning it, they ignore it.

I have a client whose boyfriend got her NOTHING for Valentine ‘ s Day. Nothing. She was devastated. She didn ‘ t know what had happened and it made her feel badly about herself and wondering how much he cared about her. She came to learn, down the road, that he was so overcome with anxiety about what to do that he did nothing.

While she still didn ‘ t like that he did nothing, understanding that it was more about his insecurities then about his feelings for her helped her manage her disappointment.

#2 – Do be honest.

It is very important that, if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, you don ‘ t sulk. That you don ‘ t internalize the hurt and angry feelings that you have. That you don’t pretend you are cool and that it ‘ s all good and who likes Valentine ‘ s Day anyway.

In a healthy relationship, people who are hurt by their loved one have a responsibility to tell their person that they have been hurt. It ‘ s important to let them know that they have let you down. If you act like it ‘ s no big deal, two things will happen. The first is that you will continue to stew, to continue to be hurt and confused. The second is that next Valentine ‘ s Day (or your birthday or Christmas) your guy might not do anything for you once again.

I mean, if you are cool with him not doing something for you, why would he make an effort to do it?

#3 – Don ‘ t compare yourself to everyone else.

I know that it ‘ s very hard not to compare yourself to everyone and what they are doing/getting for Valentine ‘ s Day.

Every year, people on social media inundate us with pictures and stories of their most amazing Valentine ‘ s Days, coordinated with thoughtfulness and skill by their most amazing boyfriends. Pictures of fancy dinners and island destinations and engagement rings are everywhere.

And, yes, some guys are good at remembering and following through on Valentine ‘ s Day. (I am betting that, somewhere along the way, some girl didn ‘ t sulk and act cool but told those guys the truth – that they sucked at Valentine’s Day.)

That being said, there are millions of other women out in the world who are celebrating Valentine ‘ s Day with a card or a kind word or nothing at all. You are not alone. You are not the most pathetic person in the world. You are just another woman in the world, trying to make the best of life and love.

Instead of looking at what that woman got from her man, go out and get yourself something. Want some chocolate? Go get some. Some perfume or jewelry or flowers? Get some. Who needs to wait for some guy to get us something? We can take care of ourselves, take control of our emotions and not let anyone suck us down.

#4 – Do recognize that it ‘ s not the end of the world.

I know that February 14 feels very much like Valentine ‘ s Day for the whole day. All day we see signs in stores, talking about love, posts online, text from friends, chocolate filled hearts aplenty. It ‘ s everywhere and, when your boyfriend forgets Valentine ‘ s Day, the day is horrible.

That being said, don ‘ t forget that the day after Valentine ‘ s Day is just another day. Another day when life goes on. Chocolate heart candy will go on sale, to be replaced with chocolate bunnies. Just another day.

Ask yourself how your boyfriend treats you on those regular days. Does he buy you flowers or open the car door for you or take you out to dinner or rub your feet or hang out with your friends or walk the dog or make the bed or ask about your day? Does he do a million little things on those days that aren ‘ t Valentine ‘ s Day, things that might make up for the fact that he dropped the ball this one day? Things that show that he loves you truly?

Your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day definitely sucks but life and love can, and will, go on, nonetheless.

#5 – Don ‘ t be blind.

Of course, taking stock of all of the things that I said above is important but it is also VERY important that you not blindly accept what has happened on Valentine ‘ s Day, act like everything is cool and assure yourself that this guy really loves you and that he just dropped the ball.

It is possible that your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day because he just isn ‘ t that into you. It could be that he isn ‘ t the romantic type and that, no matter what you say, he will contend that Valentine ‘ s Day is ridiculous and that he will never take part in it. He could just not care about your feelings either way and not be nice to you, ever.

So, take a look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does your guy treat you well when it ‘ s not Valentine ‘ s Day? Is he the kind of romantic that you need him to be? Do you have any questions in the back of your mind that your relationship might be doomed in the long run?

There can be many reasons why your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and one of them might just be because your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and that it might be near it ‘ s end.

I know the idea sucks, and I am sorry, but it just might be the case. Be honest with yourself. Is it?

Your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and it has left you feeling angry and bereft. I totally get it.

One year my boyfriend (now ex-husband) forgot about Valentine ‘ s Day and got me some on-sale roses the next day. It felt shitty, to say the least.

But that didn ‘ t mean he didn ‘ t care about me – he just was working hard and missed the day. I told him it hurt and the next year he went out of his way and kicked ass, making it the most special day ever!

I know that some of my friends had very romantic days with their guys but really, my guy and I hung out and went to the movies which was, in it ‘ s own way, romantic because it ‘ s one of my favorite things to do.

And, the next day, like it is every year, was February 15th and life went on.

All of that being said, make sure that you take a good hard look at your relationship. Have you been making it something that it ‘ s not? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be romantic? Do you have any doubts?

It just might be that your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day might be just the wake-up call you need to get up, move on and find the love you want!

Can A Toxic Relationship be Saved? Possibly YES!

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Can a toxic relationship be saved? Is it possible to repair months, or even years, of behavior that has shaken a relationship down to its very core?

I know that it seems like it would be impossible but I believe that, yes, it is possible to fix atoxic relationshipbutthat it will involve concentrated effort on both sides of the equation.

Here are 5 things you can do to help repair a toxic relationship. Once you read them, you will know if your relationship is salvageable.

#1 – Accept the truth.

In order to fix a toxic relationship, it is essential that both people are willing to accept that it is toxic.

In many instances, one person sees that the relationship is toxic but the other person can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, see it as well. If only one side sees how bad things are, fixing a toxic relationship will be impossible.

I have a client who is in a relationship with an alcoholic narcissist. For many years, he has treated her horribly. He goes off on drunken binges, disappears for weeks at a time, gaslights her when they do talk and blames her for many issues in their relationship.

She loves him very much but his unwillingness to see that their relationship is toxic, that his issues are impacting the relationship in a big way, makes it so that there is no hope that things can change.

She holds on, hoping that it does, but I know that, until he truly acceptss that the relationship is toxic, things will just go on the way they always have.

#2 – Own your part.

An essential piece of fixing a toxic relationship is the willingness to take ownership of your piece of the toxicity.

In the case of my client, she absolutely recognizes that she has behaviors that contribute to the toxic relationship. She doesn ‘ t trust him (although for good reason), she can get very anxious and clingy, she enables his behavior by continuing to be with him and she definitely can get heated during their confrontations.

Unfortunately, her partner refuses to take any ownership of their issues. He acknowledges that he drinks too much but blames her for not being more supportive. He says that if she would only stop harping and accept him for as he is, everything would be fine. When he goes on a bender, he blames her clinginess for driving him away.

Because he isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of his end of the relationship, every time they try to make change things, just stay the same. Because he not only doesn ‘ t accept his part in the toxicity, and even blames her for most of it, fixing their relationship is just not possible.

#3 – Be open to change.

For many of us, making change is really hard. We are who we are. That being said, people who are in a toxic relationship need to be actively willing to make change.

In the case of my client, she is eager to make change. She loves her man so much and still holds on to the dream of their life together. She goes out of her way to try to do things differently.

She accepts his drinking and recognizes that he means well but can ‘ t follow through with his intentions. She supports him when he is in a really bad place and makes sure that his children are taken care of when he is gone. She is willing to change core pieces of herself, hoping to mend their relationship.

Unfortunately, her man can ‘ t make change. On good days he recognizes that things need to change and even takes baby steps to do so. Unfortunately, those baby steps never get him anywhere and, before long, he is back to his old habits. She is left holding the bag again, her hopes dashed.

If both people aren ‘ t willing to make change, it will be impossible to fix a toxic relationship.

#4 – Know that the fix will take a while.

For many people, when they make a move to start repairing a toxic relationship, they are at the end of their rope. They realize how bad things are and thatefforts to fix things are a last ditch effort to save the relationship.

Unfortunately, a toxic relationship can not be changed overnight.

Change takes a long time. In the case of my client, her partner needs to stop drinking. Without that, there will be no chance of change. Unfortunately, even if he was willing to stop drinking, getting sober and learning to live that way, takes a long time.

Furthermore, behaviors and habits that are engrained in people, and relationships, are hard to break. Often times, repairing a relationship involves two steps forward and one step back. That one step back can be disheartening and lead a couple to give up fighting to fix things.

Recognizing that what is important is that the two steps forward, and not the one step back, is key to fixing a toxic relationship.

#5 – Get some professional help.

For many people, the prospect of getting professional help is a scary thing. Sharing issues with a stranger, putting things out into the world that are embarrassing, worrying about being judged, all tend to steer people away from getting real help. Instead, they decide to make things work on their own.

In the case of my client, her partner finally agreed to therapy. He knew that she wanted it and he was willing to do this one thing in the hopes that she wouldn ‘ t leave him. So, she found a therapist. He did one session and said he wouldn ‘ t do another.

Unfortunately, professional help is essential tohelp people fix a toxic relationship. There are so many ingrained behaviors, so many different angles to look at why things are the way they are, insights based on professional education and experience to be shared and, frankly, someone to referee, that having help is a key part of repairing damage.

When my client ‘ s partner refused to go back to therapy she recognized that he didn ‘ t really want to make change and she gave up hope that things their relationship could be saved.

Can a toxic relationship be saved? Perhaps, if both people are willing to do the work.

With some concerted effort, and patience, from both people, change can be made and a relationship can be improved. I have seen couple after couple come back from some pretty dark places after making a decision to commit to change and working with me to achieve it.

If both of you are willing to acknowledge the toxicity, to take ownership for your role in it, to be willing to make change, to be patient and to get help, your chances of getting through this and being happy in your relationship are possible, maybe even probable.

So, take the step today. Share this article with your partner and see if they are ready to fix your toxic relationship so thatyou can both be happy.

You can do it!

5 Things that Someone Who is Gaslighting You Will Say

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Do your friends tell you that you are in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you but are you not sure if it ‘ s true?

Are you not entirely clear on what gaslighting is and how to spot it?

Let me help.

The definition of gaslighting is ‘ ˜manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. ‘ In other words, a gaslighter will do what they need to do so that you can no longer tell what is true or not, what is right or wrong.

People gaslight for a variety of reasons. They might be narcissistic and refuse to take responsibility for anything. They might have a need to control you. They might want to get something from you and destroying your self esteem, or even your sanity, is the best way to get it. Either way, gaslighting is incredibly destructive.

And many people who are in relationships with someone who is gaslighting them just don ‘ t see it, primarily because they have been manipulated into believing they they are too stupid to recognize anything.

Fortunately, there are a few things that gaslighters almost universally say to their targets. Let me share with you 5 of those things right now so that you can see if you are being gaslit, being convinced that you are out of touch with reality and questioning every choice you make.

#1 – You are always wrong.

Does your person always tell you that you are wrong? If you walked outside and observed that the sky was blue, would your person tell you that you were wrong and that it was red? If you share a memory about your relationship at a dinner party, will your person later tell you that it never happened, that you had made the memory up your head?

This is a classic thing that someone who is gaslighting you will say. Their intention is to make you doubt yourself. To make you question every thing you say and everything you do. By doing so, your person can dominate you, can make you feel that you need them to function in the world.

#2 – You have no friends.

It is a horrible thing to tell someone but this is exactly what someone who is gaslighting you will say. They will tell you over and over that you have no friends.

They will tell you that no one likes you. That you are unlikeable. That people are talking behind your back. That they are your only friend and they only are because they feel sorry for you.

Even if you have friends who show up for you, who you see regularly, a person who is gaslighting you will tell you that those people are pretending to like you, that they are using you for their own purposes, that you shouldn ‘ t trust them.

Why do they do this? They do it because they want to separate you from the people who love you and support you. They want to be the only person in the world who you rely on and trust. By doing so, they can control you, the ultimately goal of gaslighters, really.

#3 – You are worthless.

This a key thing that someone who is trying to gaslight you will say to you. They will tell you over and over that you are worthless.

One of the goals of a gaslighter is to destroy your self-esteem. To do so, they tell you that you are worthless. That you are a bad friend/parent/child/partner. That you aren ‘ t capable of career success. That you aren ‘ t capable of anything.

If you believe yourself worthless, you will start to believe it. And you will need to rely on your person and they will control you. And if you are under their control, you will lose yourself completely, believing every day that you are more and more worthless.

#4 – You can ‘ t see the truth.

I have a client who has a boyfriend who always tells her that she can ‘ t see the truth.

He has been trying to win her back, again, and she is being, finally, very cautious. He reappeared at her door after 6 months, announcing that he loved her, that he wanted to move in with her and get married. He expected her to jump back in his arms. And she didn ‘ t.

Since then, he has vaccillated back and forth between telling her he loves her and blaming her for the fact that they aren ‘ t back together. ‘ ˜I jumped back in, ‘ he says. ‘ ˜If you really loved me, you would have done the same. ‘

I have to reassure her regularly that the truth of the matter is is that she is being careful. His declaration of love is something that he does to pull her back in and then he walks away again. She has let him do that before, because she does love him, but she is not going to do it again.

Even so, because he is a gaslighter, she is constantly struggling to see the truth in the situation.

#5 – Everything is your fault.

Does your person always tell you that you are at fault?

If he comes home drunk, does he blame you for driving him to drink? If she run up the credit card, does she say it ‘ s because you are never home? Is a dinner that was burnt because you had to do something for them your fault?

Someone who is gaslighting you is someone who will take no responsibility for the dynamic between the two of you. Everything will be your fault. Not only does that obsolve them from any responsibility it will also continue to undermine your belief that you are worthless and unloveable.

Knowing what someone who is gaslighting you will say is the key to preventing, or stopping it, from happening.

If you are with someone who tells you are always wrong, who tells you are friendless and worthless, who makes you doubt yourself in every way, then, most likely you are with someone who is gaslighting you.

You may or may not recognize why this is happening to you but it is important that you not trust what this person is saying and doing and that you get away from them as soon as possible. Reach out to people who love you to help you escape from this person so that you can keep your sanity and have a happy life.

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