5 Most Important Questions To Ask Someone On A First Date

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Are you wondering what questions you must ask someone on a first date?

We all go into our first dates hoping for the best. Hoping that this will be the ONE who will end our lonely days forever. And with that hope comes a reluctance to ask questions.

Why? Because we often don ‘ t want to know the answers.

It ‘ s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time developing a relationship. Without knowing the facts, you could miss some serious red flags and waste a HUGE amount of time in your search for the ONE.

And we don ‘ t want that. So ask away…

Here are the 5 Most Important Questions To Ask On A First Date:

#1 – Are you married?

Seriously? Do you need to ask that question? The answer is a resounding YES!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages, and some of them just want to fool around. Either way, you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married person. Being involved with a married person brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find the ONE, no matter what he tells you.

And that is the goal right? Finding the ONE?

#2 – How long have you been single?

Once you know they are single it ‘ s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend that you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular breakups do not, and the recovery period is longer. A newly divorced person just won ‘ t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage break up, that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship. You do NOT want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a period of time, not just because they have had time to recover from a breakup but because it ‘ s more likely that they are no longer attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else, do they?

#3 – Are you employed?

One of the first questions we ask when we meet anyone is ‘ What do you do? ‘ It ‘ s what Americans do. And it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question is ‘ Are you currently working? ‘

The reasons you want to know the answer to this question? Because you want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure.

Financial security is obvious. No one wants to get involved with someone who can ‘ t carry his or her weight financially. Emotional security is a tougher one.

People who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally. They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs. All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self-esteem.

Insecurity and low self-esteem are not things that lend themselves well to a healthy relationship. And DON ‘ T think that you can fix them because you can ‘ t.

So ask not only ‘ What do you do ‘ but ‘ Where do you do it? ‘

Want to talk first dates? Me too! Let’s do it….

#4 – Do you get along with your family?

Really? Knowing how someone gets along with his or her family is important.

The family is the fundamental relationship of someone ‘ s life and how they interact with that family is important to know.

If your date talks about the close relationship he has with his siblings and that his mother drives him nuts but that he talks to her every Sunday then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who he hasn ‘ t seen in years, then it is possible the deep emotional connection might be more difficult for him. Why? Because the basic human connection that we make as children influence who we are as grown-ups. And someone who has a rough relationship with his family could be tough to truly connect with.

So ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

#5 – Do you have kids?

This one is SO important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, THE priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that ‘ s okay with you. Maybe you have kids, too and understand the priorities. Or maybe you are willing to make his kids your priority as well.

But maybe it ‘ s not. Maybe you want to always be first or maybe you just aren ‘ t ready to have kids. And that ‘ s okay.

So ask the question. Because kids will always come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

Dating is time-consuming and emotionally fraught, and really you don ‘ t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises any red flags at all. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

So ask the questions. Get your answers early. Get your answers so you can decide to fish or cut bait right away because there are other fish in the sea. Fish who might be better for you. And tastier.

Going on a first date and feeling nervous?
Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work

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You have done something to hurt someone. Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, that person is really hurt. And you want to fix it. You know you need an apology that will work.

You have been trying to apologize, to make them see things from your perspective, to get them to understand your intentions. All to no avail. Hope is not lost.

There is a way to apologize that will be both heard and accepted. Read on to learn how. Before we begin, you have to understand WHAT you have to apologize for. You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose husband showed up 30 minutes late on a night when he swore he would be home on time. They were supposed to go out for her birthday, and she had made special dinner reservations. He had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should he need to apologize? I mean, he was late because of work. He had no control over that. Of course, he needs to apologize!

Why? Not because he was kept late at work but because he HURT HER by not getting home when he said that he would. Do you see the difference? The slight is that he caused her pain.

Whatever he did to cause that pain is irrelevant. That is what you are apologizing for causing them pain. Get it?

Sentence #1 – ‘ I am sorry that I hurt you. ‘

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late and why you weren ‘ t at fault will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology. So accept it and apologize for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘ How can I prevent it from happening again? ‘

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership of how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after she calmed down when she realized that her husband knew how much he had hurt her, she thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent him from causing her pain. She suggested that the next time he knew he was going to be late, he called her so that she could change their reservations. She would also know that he knew he was late and that he was sensitive to the situation, which could help her from getting hurt.

Armed with this knowledge my client ‘ s husband had the tools he needed to stop himself from hurting his wife in the future when he was going to be late. It was up to him to know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘ What can I do to make it up to you? ‘

This one is a fun one. Amends. So my client ‘ s husband acknowledged that he had hurt her and did not try to justify his behaviour. Now he wanted to know what he could do to make it up to her ‘ ¦. Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control, my client was given the opportunity to express what she needed to move past this hurt.

Her husband didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because husbands aren ‘ t always good at guessing. My client suggested a bottle of very nice champagne at home with some birthday cake. The kids were off at a friend ‘ s house, and having some alone time just the two of them was what she wanted most anyway. He was, of course, happy to accommodate, and the night ended very well indeed.

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone, and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way. It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

 

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really need to apologize for something.

Let me help you, NOW, before too much time passes.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

 

5 Ways to Forgive – Even if it Seems Impossible

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Did somebody do something to you that hurt you deeply? Are you looking for ways to forgive because you want and need to?

Perhaps your sister embarrassed you AGAIN at a family gathering with something she said. Perhaps your husband chose your mother-in-law ‘ s side in a discussion about where to spend Easter. Or a good friend forgot to invite you to her Cabi party.

And are you so angry, so hurt, that you just can ‘ t get past it?

I am here to tell you that you can.

Holding a grudge is one of the worst things that you can do for your health. So don ‘ t!

#1 – Recognize that everyone is human.

Everyone is doing the best that they can. Let me say that again. Everyone is doing the best that they can.

The person you are today, right now, is the result of a lifetime of experiences, experiences that include how your mother loved you when you were a child and the way that taxi driver splashed you with a muddy puddle this morning.

It is a combination of those things that determine how you react to something the way you do. The same rules apply to other people.

Do you know that co-worker who is rude to you every morning when you come into the office? Who doesn ‘ t greet you with a smile and small talk? Do you resent that person, think perhaps she is a bitch? Do you spend way too much time thinking about it during meetings?

That co-worker is just a person doing the best that she can, and you have no idea what she is dealing with. Perhaps she has an autistic child who needs to be dropped off at daycare in the morning, and the process is devastating every time. Might that person not be able to greet you with a happy smile in the morning? Might that person be more in need of some compassion from you?

Don ‘ t assume anything about anyone. We are all just doing the best that we can. We are human, after all.

#2 – Don ‘ t take everything personally.

It is not all about you. Again, it is not all about you.

‘ What ‘ s this? ‘ you think. ‘ Of course, it ‘ s all about me. ‘

When someone hurts you, I can guarantee that they almost never set out to hurt you. What they do might be insensitive but more often than not, hurting you is not the reason why someone does something.

When your husband sides with your mother-in-law about Easter Sunday, he is not doing it to purposely hurt you. He is doing it because he wants to please his mother or even perhaps because he genuinely believes her plan is the better one.

He does not do it because he has no respect for your opinions because he does and he demonstrated this last week when he applauded your actions around a problem at work.

He did it for his own reasons, ones that have nothing to do with you.

Not taking everything as a personal affront is an excellent way to take steps towards forgiveness. Know that people do things for a variety of reasons, and hurting you is rarely one of them.

#3 – Look to the future, not the past.

Do you want your present and your future to be based on the past? Or do you want your future to be bright and full of possibilities?

If yes, stop looking to the past and look forward with an open heart.

I have a client whose husband left her a LONG time ago, and she still can ‘ t get past it. Everything that is wrong in her life she blames on his leaving her. Everything.

In an effort to help her forgive her husband and move on, we have been working on her building a life for herself. She has found a great job and is under contract in a wonderful apartment. She is dating again and spending lots of time with her grandchildren. For the first time in years, she is happy.

The more that she focuses on her present and her future, the less time she spends obsessing about the past and all of her perceived losses. Because that ‘ s how her losses are perceived. She has no idea how her life might have been if her husband had stayed with her. What she does know is how amazing her life is now.

And that is what counts.

#4 – Take responsibility.

This is a hard one – to take responsibility for our role in a perceived hurt. But it ‘ s a very important one.

We all play a role in every interaction we have. And, like it or not, our role is as relevant to the outcome as the other person ‘ s.

In the case of my client, who was irate about not being invited to her friend ‘ s Cabi party, I asked her to take a good look at why she thought she might not have been invited.

At first, she said that she had no idea that her friend was just a loser. But then, after some reflection, she realized that she hadn ‘ t really enjoyed the last Cabi party and that she might have expressed those feelings to a few of their friends.

Perhaps her friend hadn ‘ t invited her for just that reason? Not because she was a loser and wanted to hurt her friend, but maybe because she knew her friend didn ‘ t enjoy the parties and wanted her not to feel compelled to attend?

Hmm, that changes things a bit, doesn ‘ t it?

#5 – Be honest and let it go.

You know when you stay up all night, playing and replaying something that your sister said to you on the phone? How it was just like something that she has said to you your entire life? How it drives you crazy every time?

Have you ever told her that it drives you crazy every time? Perhaps now is the time.

Being honest with someone about something they are doing that hurts you is important. And it ‘ s important to do so in an honest, non-passive-aggressive way.

It ‘ s entirely possible that your sister doesn ‘ t know how she repeatedly upsets you. If you tell her, you are giving her an opportunity to change or explain her behaviour. And if you understand the reasons behind her behaviours, you can accept them and let them go.

Because who wants to stay up all night perseverating about their sister’s words and actions? Sleep is a precious thing that shouldn ‘ t be squandered needlessly.

So let it go. Get some sleep. Be happy.

‘ To err is human, to forgive, divine. ‘ So said Alexander Pope in the early 1700s. He knew even back then the virtue found in forgiveness. He knew that we were all doing the best that we could and to forgive is to find God.

So look for ways to forgive. Practice forgiveness. Cut those who upset you some slack, accept responsibility for your share of the blame, let go of the past and make yourself a bright future.

Because that ‘ s what we want. No matter how dark our past is, we want our future to be bright. And with forgiveness, it can be.

 

If you have read this far, you must really need to find ways to forgive.
Let me help you, NOW, before the anger eats you alive!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

 

 

5 Ways I Helped Change a Client’s Life – Even Though She Was Skeptical That I Could Do So

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I have a client who was gifted 3 life-coaching sessions by her sister. While she truly appreciated the gift, she was rather insulted that her sister thought that she needed a life coach. She wasn ‘ t really happy, she thought, but she was fine.

One month later, though, is she happy that she found me? She says that she was very skeptical coming into working with me because she had been seeing therapists for years to no avail, and then, in 3 short weeks, her life was on a completely different track.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways I Helped Change a Client ‘ s Life – Even Though She Was Skeptical That I Could Do So.

#1 – I provided insight.

During our first session, my client told me about how miserable she was. She was unhappy in her job, her marriage was floundering, she wasn ‘ t able to exercise because of an injury, and she was drinking too much. She felt hopeless.

She also told me that she had just weaned herself off of her anti-depressant. That she had reduced her dose for 3 months and she was on her second week of no meds at all.

I put two and two together and asked when her overwhelming feelings of hopelessness had started. She said about 2 months earlier. ‘ So just about when you started weaning off your meds? ‘ I asked. She thought about it and agreed with me.

I suggested that she ask her doctor about going back on her meds, perhaps at a lower dosage, to see if it made any difference with her negative feelings. And guess what? She did, and it did.

Without me there to listen and point things out objectively, with no agenda, as a relative might have, she might not have seen that her lack of meds was affecting her so. Nor, without the meds, would she have been able to start the other hard work that we began next.

#2 – I held her accountable. Big time.

During one of our sessions, we started to talk about her drinking. She was on a cleanse, and when she was done, she was determined that she wouldn ‘ t go back to her regular drinking habits. She recognized that she probably had a drinking problem but wanted to try to control it on her own.

We then talked about her calling her primary care doctor to get the name of an alcohol counselor. “Just get a name,” I told her. It would be a first step towards stopping her drinking, something that I knew was important to her because she didn ‘ t want it to affect her kids.

One week later, I checked in. She responded that she was great and that she hadn ‘ t contacted a counselor and that could she put off our appointment for two weeks so she could get some things done.

I told her no. That I wanted to talk with her on Monday, even if just for a few minutes. And what did she do because she knew that she was going to talk with me? She not only made an appointment with a therapist but she went to it before we talked.

She was feeling so great when we talked. She had much hope after her therapy session. And she thanked me for pushing her to do it.

#3 – I helped make her career clearer.

My client has a job that suits her needs. She likes what she does, works hard enough and has summers off. But she is approaching 30 and wants to make sure that she doesn ‘ t let her career life pass her by without being all that she could be.

But what would that look like? Being all that she could be?

I had her make a list of everything that made her heart sing, and then I had her read it back to me during our phone call. After she read that list, we started talking about possible career options. Because she had just read a list of what made her heart sing, her mind was clear and wide open. And we used some of those things on her list to identify a career move.

And guess what? We landed on one. A good one. Her homework was to take the first step toward making it happen.

As we were wrapping up, she said, ‘ Can I tell you something? It ‘ s almost embarrassing. I make these little kids’ bracelets, and I would love to make them and sell them on Etsy. ‘

‘ What a great idea, ‘ I replied and gave her some ideas for getting started down that path as well.

If she hadn ‘ t felt comfortable enough to trust me with that little pearl of wisdom, it might never have popped out of her mouth and come to fruition. And she was so happy it did.

#4 – I taught her how to talk with her husband.

My client has a very good relationship with her husband overall, but communication had broken down like it does in many long-term relationships.

They had some things to talk about, and she had no idea how to broach them.

I taught her that the most important part of communication is to talk not about how the other person is acting but how their actions make her feel. Another person can not get angry with you because of how you feel but they can get defensive about what they perceive is an attack on their character.

I also taught her that timing was everything. That if she wanted to talk about their drinking, I suggested that 9:00 pm, after a few cocktails, was not the best time. 9:00 am after coffee might be better.

Armed with these new tools she set out to have a constructive conversation with her hubby and one they did.

#5 – I taught her how to believe in herself.

We are all our own worst enemies. We catalog all of our worst traits and transgressions and trot them out whenever we feel it necessary. As a result, we tend to really not like or believe in ourselves.

I had my client keep a running list of daily successes. Big and small.

Getting out of bed. Not yelling at the kids before breakfast. A great meeting at work. Not having three slices of pizza for lunch but only two. Getting off the couch and going for a walk after dinner.

Successes, big and small.

I then had my client read her list of successes every night before bed. So she could sleep on them and remember them. That way those successes would be foremost in her mind, as opposed to her failures, and then she could trot them out when needed.

Believing in herself has allowed my client to move forward in her life, work on her relationship with her husband, grow her career and deal with her drinking with more self-confidence.

And self-confidence is the key to success.

So there you go, my 5 Ways I Helped Change a Client ‘ s Life.

We all have issues in our lives, and we all find them difficult to deal with. We have the support of friends and family but more often than not they just want to support us, to tell us what we want to hear.

But not a life coach. A life coach will tell you what she sees, objectively and professionally, and hold you accountable for plans that you make. She is the guardian angel who sits on your shoulder and reminds you that you are wonderful. She is the wonderland elf who gives you the tools to succeed. She is the fairy godmother who helps make all of your dreams come true.

Sounds pretty wonderful, doesn ‘ t it?

Let me help you make BIG CHANGES in your life.

Contact me NOW and I can help!

 

 

5 Things You Can Do To Keep Your Man Happy And Keep Him Wanting More

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So you have found your guy and now you are wondering what things you can do to keep your man happy…

I don ‘ t know about you but I find men a complete mystery. I have a very good male friend who I often ask for a man ‘ s perspective on something that I am thinking about doing. His answer is almost always completely different from anything that I might have come up with myself. It blows me away every time.

With that in mind I asked him to tell me what a woman can do to keep her man happy. I had a sense that it might be totally different from what women might think it could be.

And guess what? I was right!

Here is what I learned.

#1 – Let him make you laugh.

If there is one thing that men love, it ‘ s external validation that they are all that. So much of how men connect with the world is about what is external vs. internal – how they look, how they are perceived, how successful the world thinks they are vs. how they are thinking and feeling. And this is okay. It ‘ s different from women, and it ‘ s okay.

Let your man know that he makes you laugh. And laugh often. You are giving him the ultimate validation that he is being appreciated by you, the woman he loves. And the smile that you give him with that laugh? It will make him weak in the knees. And putty in your hands.

Putty is good ‘ ¦.

#2 – Be thankful when he gives.

Men are at their best when they are giving. It ‘ s in their nature. When they give, they take care of those they love, and this is a primal need for them.

It ‘ s hard for modern men to give because it ‘ s hard for modern women to receive. And oftentimes, when a man does give to a woman she freezes. Either she ignores the giving or complains that it ‘ s not enough or acts in a way that implies that she doesn ‘ t deserve it.

I have a client whose husband used to buy her jewelry because he knew that she loved it. And she did. Unfortunately, everything he bought her wasn ‘ t to her taste. She would thank him sweetly but then return it for something that she wanted. And every time she did this she hurt him. So much so that eventually, he stopped buying her jewelry. And that didn ‘ t make anyone happy.

So be open to your man giving to you, big or small. And thank him for it. You will be glad you did, and he will be happy.

#3 – Don ‘ t be too helpful.

Women are, by nature, caregivers. We long to take care of anyone and everyone, often to the point that we stop doing anything for ourselves and we get resentful and bitter about it. Especially with our spouses.

But men don ‘ t want that! They don ‘ t want us to be TOO helpful.

Don ‘ t get me wrong. Men love having their socks picked up and their laundry done for them. They like not having to buy Christmas presents for the extended family or wipe down the sink. But they do want to feel like they can take of themselves that they are a contributing member of a couple. Maybe even sometimes the guy in charge.

So let him do his thing. Take care of yourself. And maybe even take care of you for a change.

Oh, and one more thing – did you know that when you baby your husband too much, he starts to look at you as he does his mother. Do you want him to start equating you with his mother? I didn ‘ t think so.

Need help with your man? Let me help…

#4 – Be a girl.

I know I know. How can I say that in this modern world? Men and women are equal. Women can do everything that men can do and do some of it even better. We are not soft. We are steel. We aren ‘ t going to act like girls.

I get it. But one thing that we can ‘ t ignore is human nature. It is in our biology that men are masculine and women feminine. We each have standard accompanying traits. Men are strong and protective. Women are soft and nurturing. And, no matter what the world says, men and women react to each other’s strength and softness.

So let yourself be a little girlish. Let yourself be soft around your man. Wear dresses. Speak softly. Laugh at his jokes. Make him feel like you need him. Make him feel like a man.

#5 – Let him know when he finds your ON button.

What do I mean by that? Here is an example:

My ex-husband and I had a ‘ no power cord ‘ rule for all gift-giving occasions. He could not buy me anything that included a power cord. One year, for Mother ‘ s Day, he took a risk and bought me a garage door opener. I LOVED it. I loved it so much that that night he got lucky.

He was delighted and amazed when he realized that he had the ability to make me so happy that he could flip my switch. From then on he worked diligently to find things that he could do that would activate my ON button.

And really, that was a win-win situation for both of us.

In this crazy world it seems like keeping our man happy shouldn ‘ t be a priority. I mean, they aren ‘ t children – why can ‘ t they take care of themselves? But the reality is is that everybody needs to be taken care of. Sincere efforts need to be made to allow your partner to feel loved and cherished, and to love and cherish you in return.

So follow these steps, even if they seem a little at odds with what you believe about the modern man and woman. It will be worth it.

Maybe next week I will write about how to keep your woman happy. That might be a little more complicated…

If you have made it this far you must really want to keep your man happy?
Let me help you, NOW, and get therelationshipyou have always wanted!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here and let’s get started!

 

5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper

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How many times have you wanted to say something and just haven ‘ t? A great idea you had at work, frustration with your mother-in-law, words of anger at someone who treated you badly? You open your mouth to speak, and nothing comes out.

More than once, I am guessing. Correct?

And how does it make you feel? Not so good, right?

There are 405,358 reasons to speak up. Here are 5 of them.

My latest: 5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper.

#1 – Spoken words prompt action.

If your words are in your head, not spoken, they will stay there, out of the light, ignored, and irrelevant. Wasted.

Letting your thoughts out into the world can and will prompt action.

I had a client who was talking to her boss about a Huffington Post blog that the company managed. My client remarked that she didn ‘ t know about the blog, and her boss said that it had been neglected and was not in use.

My client immediately thought, “I want to do it.” And then she sat up, and she said, ‘ I will do it. ‘

She now writes weekly for the Huffington Post.

Not too shabby for letting a few words out of her head, eh?

#2 – Words stuck in your head can fester.

For me, unspoken words don ‘ t just sit quietly in my head. They take on a life of their own, playing themselves over and over, sometimes shifting in size and shape, forming and reforming into something that can be almost monstrous. And that monster causes me a lot of pain.

My ex-husband has an incredibly frustrating habit of not returning my emails. For 5 years, I have been trying to get him to return my emails, and he just can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, do it.

For a long while, I didn ‘ t speak up about it. I would patiently wait a few days, hoping for the best. And then I would start thinking about it, wondering what he was so busy doing that he couldn ‘ t get back to me.

And then I would start obsessing about it, wondering why he had so little respect for me that he wouldn ‘ t take a few minutes to return my emails. The thoughts in my head were spinning in a truly ugly, self-destructive way.

I would email him again, angry and accusing. And guess what. He still wouldn ‘ t return my emails.

So now, when I email him, I ask him to respond in a certain window of time. More often than not he obliges and on we go.

Asking for what I needed from him helped keep those festering words from destroying my mental wellness and, ultimately, our relationship.

#3 – Words can keep disagreements from spinning out of control.

One of the saddest side effects of not speaking up is the pain that can happen because of disagreements. Disagreements can happen just because of words that are not spoken.

Think about the last time you and your partner fought. You were standing in the kitchen, having a conversation about something inconsequential, and then something came up that upset one or both of you. Before you knew it you were yelling at each other, and someone stormed out of the room.

That night your partner slept on the sofa, and you didn ‘ t sleep at all. Breakfast the next day was a nightmare and you couldn ‘ t concentrate all day at work. Not good.

Imagine another scenario. You and your partner, in the kitchen, something comes up and you start yelling. Imagine if, instead of storming out of the room, you stand your ground and continue to talk.

Imagine if, because you actually had the conversation that needed to be had and you worked through your differences, the argument was settled and finished for good, and you were able to then head upstairs for a little ‘ House of Cards ‘ before bed.

Both of you slept like babies because the words have been said, and the issue settled.

Which one sounds better to you?

#4 – Speaking out helps build your self-esteem.

There is nothing better than speaking up about something that you think is important to speak up about. Not only does it create action, keep things from festering, and stop disagreements in their tracks, but it also makes you see the power that you have with your words.

A client of mine was in a situation where there were 4 tickets to her daughter ‘ s graduation. Three would be used for her son and her ex-husband, and herself. The fourth was up for grabs.

Historically, my client would have wanted to keep the peace and given the ticket to her husband ‘ s new wife. But, really, she just didn ‘ t want to do that, so she decided to speak up. She told her daughter that she didn’t want the ticket to just go right to her dad’s husband but that they talk about to whom it might go. Her daughter said, ‘ I tell you what, I will just bring my friend Nina ‘ and the matter settled.

My client not only felt great about speaking up and advocating for herself, but she also could relax into the knowledge that she would be able to fully enjoy her daughter ‘ s big day without the self-recrimination created because of words that she hadn ‘ t spoken.

#5 – How else can you change the world?

Really, if people didn ‘ t speak up, how would we be able to change the world?

All it takes is one idea. Big or little. And the effects can be far-reaching. Of course, you can tell yourself that your one little idea won ‘ t make a difference, but it can!

A client had a college-aged son who was drinking too much. She didn ‘ t know what to do. She talked to him and talked to him, to no avail. And then she had an idea. ‘ Give him the dog. ‘ She knew her son loved that dog and she knew that the responsibility of keeping it alive would be an important thing for him.

But she wasn ‘ t sure about asking him. Would he think it too much responsibility? Would her ex-husband cut the idea to shreds? Would everyone hate her for being so nosy?

She decided to take the risk and spoke up. She told him that it was time, that he was ready to have the responsibility of the dog. He loved the idea. The look on his face when he heard that she thought him responsible enough was totally worth the risk.

The dog now spends long weekends with her son and he is drinking far less.

She had an idea and she shared it. And it could very well change the life of her whole family and that of future families. What a gift.

So there you go. My 5 Reasons to Speak Up.
Speaking up is not an easy thing. We don ‘ t speak up because of fear, or lack of confidence or a lifetime of not knowing how to do anything differently. If we learn to speak up it will get us straight onto the pathway to living the life of our dreams.

So start small. Today. Tell someone something that you might not ordinarily tell them.

Tell your partner you love them. You’re child that you are proud of them. Your boss says that you have a great idea for that meeting next week. Your mother-in-law that you love having dinner with them but that this week just won ‘ t work because you have tickets to the Nutcracker for your family.

Speak your truth, big or small. Raise your voice above a whisper.

Change the world.

Looking for more ways to speak up? Contact me and I can help!

 

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On

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Relationships and love. Everyone says, and, I think, truly believes, that without love, the world just doesn ‘ t go around. Love is a powerful thing that makes everything a little shinier. We all want it.

And yet, ironically, it is relationships that are usually the first thing to be set aside as we live these chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting lives. Work, kids, and exercise, all come first, leaving love sitting on the sidelines, lonely and neglected.

Doing the work that I have done for years with clients, and living my life, has given me a tremendous amount of insight into the damage we do, more often than not unwittingly. I want to share that insight with you today.

Here is my latest, 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On.

#1 – Keep your promises.

Promises. They are usually made with such good intentions but when they are broken there can be disastrous consequences.

Promises have to do with trust. If you make a promise and don ‘ t keep it then trust is lost. It ‘ s better to not make a promise that you can ‘ t keep then continue to break ones that you do.

I have a client whose boyfriend kept promising her that she could meet his kids. And yet every time a meeting was set up there was always an excuse about why it couldn’t happen. Eventually, she stopped wanting to meet his kids, and, ultimately, she stopped wanting to be with him.

Her trust in him had been lost. And without trust, what is there?

Make your promises carefully. Remember how important they are for maintaining trust. And love.

#2 – Make your limited time quality time.

Yes, we are all busy, with lots on our minds and many pressures. But it is important to take a few minutes to connect with your partner. Not a quick phone call between meetings, talking about yourself and your worries, but a real connection.

Next time you are together, take a moment and look at your partner and ask them how they are doing. Listen to them without interrupting. Don ‘ t try to fix anything, just listen.

Listening without judgment is very powerful. Letting your partner know they are cared about, and being heard, is a powerful way to express love. And knowing how your partner is doing will only make you feel closer.

#3 – Use your words.

How many times has a client said to me ‘ I don ‘ t have to tell him I love him. He knows. ‘

Thousands, I am afraid.

Think back to the last time that your partner told you that you were beautiful, or sexy, or that they loved your laugh. Even if you have heard it from them a million times didn ‘ t it make you feel great?

Words are very powerful. Use them for good. And for love.

#4 – Touch, touch, touch, touch.

One cannot underestimate the importance of the power of touch. I am not talking about sexual touch (although it ‘ s power should not be discounted) but simple affectionate touch.

A hug, holding hands, a kiss, a light pat on the butt. These are all examples of physical affection that can keep you bonded to your partner every day.

Did you know that a hug produces oxytocin, a chemical known to enhance mood? That a pat on the butt can make someone feel sexy and wanted? That holding hands as you walk down the street makes you feel like you can take on the world? Don’t even get me started on kissing…

So reach out and touch your partner today. Don’t make them ask for it. It ‘ s quick, easy and fun, with huge payoffs.

#5 – Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

Let me state that one again. Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

When we first fall in love our attention is completely focused on that one person. But as time goes by we get distracted by life and we can start to neglect the one we love. We know they are there, and we assume that they will always be there, so we stop tending the relationship. And the consequences can again be disastrous.

This I can tell you from personal experience. No matter how awful I was to him, my husband always promised me that he would never leave me. I didn ‘ t mean to, but because of this I took him for granted and while I planned to change my behaviour I never quite made it happen.

And guess what. He left me.

So pay attention to that person in bed next to you. One day they just might be gone, and where would you be then?

There you go, my 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid.

‘ There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved, ‘ said George Sands 100 years ago. And nothing today has changed. We can succeed in our careers, be as fit as a 20-year-old and have the perfect golf game but without love what does it all matter?

I know that if I had followed my advice (if I had known it then), my marriage might have had a chance. I certainly regret not working harder at changing those behaviours.

So don’t let love live on the sidelines. Bring it out to the centre field, into the sunshine, where it can be all it can be. You can do it.

Look for more help tending your relationship. Contact me, and I can help.

 

5 Things To Do Now that the Election is Over – Even If Your Candidate Didn’t Win

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This election has been unlike any in recent memory. The candidates are universally not liked, their interactions have been less than civil, and their positions on the issues are as far apart as they could be.

To make matters worse, the election has had a huge effect on every American. Friends are turning against each other, marriages are being strained, work places are full of tension. Anger and distrust is pervasive.

But now the election is over and no matter who won, life goes on. Things might be different politically, but we still have to get up in the morning, get the kids off to school, go to work, eat dinner with the in-laws, have a date night, and take out the garbage.

#1 – Check in with yourself.

I don ‘ t know about you, but for the past few months, I have been obsessed with this election. Every day brought stories more shocking than the day before. It was like seeing a bad car accident ‘ ¦I just couldn ‘ t take my eyes off of it.

And I swear it made me sick, both physically and mentally.

So take a moment now and see how you are feeling. Do you feel like you are living just a little bit on edge? Have you been having feelings of sadness more often than usual? Are you spending more time on the computer following the news than talking with your kids about their day? Do you spend your morning commute yelling at all of the incompetent drivers around you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the election has definitely taken it ‘ s toll on you. Awareness of this will enable to you take the steps necessary to move forward after this messy election and be yourself again.

#2 – Step away from your computer.

This is key. No matter who won the election, the next few months and years probably, are going to be messy. Neither candidate is going to heal what ails our country.

And neither can you, at least not by obsessing over every little step and misstep that happens going forward.

So stop screen-sucking on CNN or FOX news. If you must be in front of a screen, instead of watching a new show on TV. Netflix just released The Crown, a period drama about Queen Elizabeth II. Or watch what I do: The Walking Dead. Nothing like a post-apocalyptic fantasy to take your mind off of the current day ‘ s woes.

Even better would be to get away from all of it and do something else. Anything else. Shop, hike, swim, read, joust, laugh, cry, travel, scream. Anything that will help you release the tension of the past few months and generate some dopamine to aid in the healing.

You know what works for you. Now is the time to do it!

#3 – Reconnect with friends and family.

One of the saddest bi-products of this election is how it has come between friends, families, between co-workers.

Social media has made this world a smaller place, and we know that people will post things that they wouldn ‘ t necessarily say in person. As a result, we have hurt and alienated each other. I know of many cases where family members don ‘ t speak, friends are no longer friends on Facebook and politics have been forbidden in the workplace to prevent anarchy.

Now is the time to rise above and start to mend those rifts. The election is over and one candidate has won. The supporters of the victor must try to remain humble and the supporters of the loser must accept the outcome and move on. And we must reach out to each other and remember that we love each other and work together to rebuild our families and friend groups.

If these important pieces of the fabrics of our life, the pieces involving love and connection, are permanently damaged then America will never be able to bring about the change that it so desperately needs.

And remember, we are stronger together.

#4 – Make a difference.

Do you know the saying, ‘ Be the change that you want to see in the world? ‘ There is no better time than right now to prove that adage true.

No matter who you supported, chances are that you aren ‘ t happy with the status quo. And you were hoping that the person you wanted to be President would make changes happen quickly. But, really, change doesn ‘ t start at the top but at the bottom. Think about Rosa Parks and her refusing to give up her seat on the bus. She sparked a movement that ultimately culminated in the Civil Rights Act of 1964, making discrimination because of race illegal.

So be the change. Choose an issue that is important to you and get involved. I know you wonder how “little you”can make a difference but believe me, you can.

I regularly give speeches to people with mental illness, telling them the story of my journey. The nurses say that every time I speak, one person who wasn ‘ t willing to accept that they are mentally ill does. And with acceptance comes healing. And with healing comes a life worth living ‘ ¦and that life will touch the lives of many others and make a real difference.

One person at a time.

#5 – Take a vacation from all of it.

We have all run a marathon. We are exhausted and weak from the effort. What our body needs is a break. Some nutrients. Some time to heal.

So take the next few months and just live your life. Go to work, be with your kids, walk your dogs, and read a book. Let your body recuperate from what it has gone through.

Americans are very bad at convalescing. When we are sick, as soon as the major symptoms are gone we get up and go on with our lives. As a result, we often get sick again. Over and over.

So take some time and do whatever you need to do to feed your body and soul. I know for me I am going to spend these last few weeks of fall weather at the park with my dog, soaking in the fresh air while I can. Oh, and watching the Walking Dead.

Our country is right now in a time of crisis. I think we all recognize this, no matter what our political affiliation. And it ‘ s time to make a change. For that to happen, every American must do his or her part.

You know when you are on an airplane and the flight attendants give the safety speech. They always say to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Following my tips is your oxygen mask. Take care of yourself, and heal from the anger and vitriol of the past few months. Make amends. When you are ready, go forth in the world and make a difference, if even in a very small way.

Together, we can change the world.

Are you struggling with the way the world is now?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help you staystrongand survive!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win

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You know how sometimes it just hits you? You have so much going on in your life that you aren ‘ t sleeping at all. Your work is suffering, your relationships are fraught with tension, bills are going unpaid, and you have eaten an entire box of Oreos every night this week.

And then one more thing gets piled on top, and that ‘ s it. The camel’s back is broken. Your heart starts racing, your brain fills with cotton, you get dizzy, and you can ‘ t breathe. You are officially overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed makes you feel literally paralyzed. It prevents you from moving forward in any meaningful way. It prevents you from moving forward at all. You are simply there, in a vortex, circling the drain. Not good.

I know it doesn’t feel that way, but there are definitely ways to survive it. One step at a time.

The first step – is awareness. Always key. Know what it is you are feeling – overwhelm. Once you know what it is, you can proceed.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win.

#1 – Breathe

When we are stressed out, we hold our breath. There is a physiological reason we hold our breath: increased tension in the muscles responsible for breathing. These include the thoracic diaphragm and some of the abdominal, chest, neck and shoulder muscles. When we are stressed, these muscles contract, and breathing stops. Not ideal.

The manner in which we breathe influences our entire being: our mental-emotional states, the nervous system, hormonal balance, muscular tension, and all the functions of body and mind. When we hold our breath our overwhelm will only get worse, not better.

When you are overwhelmed, remember to breathe. Sit up straight and wear clothes that don ‘ t restrict your abdomen (or loosen those jeans). Breathe deeply in, through your nose, for 3 seconds, pulling air down into your diaphragm. Exhale through your nose for 5 seconds. Repeat this series for 5 minutes.

You will start to feel better right away. Physiology declares it be so.

#2 – Walk Away

When you are sitting at your desk, paralyzed and completely overwhelmed by all that is on your plate, it is time to get up and move around.

In addition to breathing, clearing your head is an essential way to beat overwhelmed. Just sitting there staring at all of your stuff, or replaying all sorts of negative tapes in your head, will get you nowhere.

So go for a walk around the block or around the cubicles in the office. Go up and down a few flights of stairs. Do some stretches. Walk over to someone ‘ s desk or house, and have a quick chat. Give your partner a long hug. Have a good laugh. Anything that will get your mind off of your stuff, even for a few minutes.

Sometimes just a little break can make all of the difference.

#3 – Eat a Good Meal

Remember the aforementioned Oreos? Yes, they are yummy going down, but nutritionally, they do you no good at all.

What you need when you are overwhelmed is a good dose of protein, some carbs, and a few healthy fats.

In the short term, a good meal will help your brain work better, help keep your breathing and your heart rate moderate and allow you to get past the overwhelm.

In the long term, your body will be stronger because you feed it healthy food. And when you are stronger, you can better prevent overwhelm from happening in the first place.

Try a turkey sandwich on toasted rye bread with some Swiss cheese and cole slaw. If you don’t have time to sit down, feast on some mixed nuts (walnuts, cashews, and almonds) and an apple. Add water. Or try a smoothie with coconut milk, flax, and chia seeds, an avocado, and some berries. Truly yummy.

#4 – Take a Nap

Yeah, right, you say. A nap! Ha. You have WAY too much to do to take a nap.

Taking a nap can change everything. It will help your brain quiet for a bit, restore your body and enable you to think more clearly to get through this tough time.

It doesn ‘ t have to be a long nap. Close your shades and pull a blanket over your fully clothed self and set the alarm for 30 minutes. That will give you 10 minutes to fall asleep and 20 minutes to sleep.

You will wake up refreshed and ready to plunge ahead. Really.

#5 – Make a Plan

Before you take, this step do at least one of the steps above. You need to manage your body ‘ s reaction to the overwhelm before you can take action to fix it.

One of the reasons that we get overwhelmed is that we feel we have no control over the things that are causing that overwhelm. It ‘ s time to regain some.

Sit down and make a list of everything that you have to do. Everything.

Now review that list and pick out 5 things that need to be done immediately. From that list of 5 break it down again, this time prioritizing. These are the things that you are going to do first. You will ignore the other things on the list, and I mean IGNORE, until those first things are done.

Give yourself a deadline to get each of those things done. There might be an external deadline already in place but if it ‘ s something with no deadline give yourself one. Give yourself an hour or a day but give yourself a deadline and stick to it.

When you have completed all of the items on the first list go back to your original list and add new things, if necessary. Pick out the next 5 things that need to be done immediately. Repeat the process above.

Take control of your life instead of letting your life control you, and you will beat overwhelm. I promise.

So there you go, my 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm.

Unfortunately, overwhelm is not uncommon in this chaotic, jam-packed, and exhausting modern life in which we live. Almost every one of my clients reports having it at some point, often more than once. But there are ways to beat it back and maybe even prevent it from happening at all.

So breathe, move, eat, sleep, and organize. You just might find it will change your life.

Looking for more ways to overcome overwhelm? Contact me, and I can help!

5 Ways to Have a Difficult Conversation In 2023

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Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

The life coach in me knows that while my concerns are real there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Let go of assumptions.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, and some involve tears.

And they are all that I can think about more even than the talk’s content. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome.

#2 – Choose a good time and place.

When my kids were little, and I had to discuss something difficult with them, I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy, and then we will begin. Softly.

#3 – Don ‘ t attack.

Your goal in this situation is to have an effective, difficult conversation. One that lands on it’s mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will ask him if he is happy. On a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (gradually) get him to open up to me about what is happening. From there, I can ask him probing questions that will lead to us being able to discuss how to get us through those issues.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

Not the end goal.

#4 – Be sure to listen.

This is so important. You must be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person you are talking with. Not only could you get some valuable information, but by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult, but it really works. After they speak, say, ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

Again, not the end goal.

#5 – Know that everything is going to be all right.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world, but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider, ‘ What is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

As I have mentioned before, pain is a part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process.

And growing is the end goal.

I am nervous about tonight ‘ s conversation. The topic is a difficult one, but the conversation is necessary. Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes, I have my list of things I want to address and will do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that everything is going to be okay. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must be getting ready for a difficult conversation.

Reach out to me NOW and let me help you get the words out.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

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