5 Reasons Why Your Married Man Always Breaks His Promises

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Are you having an affair and struggling because your married man always break his promises?

Are you sure that he is your soul mate and that you are meant to be together forever but are you not understanding why he never keeps a promise that he makes?

Why does he tell you he loves you out of one side of his mouth and then lie to with the other? How could someone who loves you do that?  How could you spend the rest of your life with someone you can’t trust?

I totally get it and have been there. In retrospect, I know exactly what is going on.

Let me help you understand why your married man always breaks his promises so that you can decide what to do about it.

#1 – He is making promises that he can’t keep.

The number one, and most obvious, reason your married man always breaks his promises is because he makes you promises that he just can’t keep.

I know that, back in the day, my married man was always making me promises, big and small.

He would promise that he would be there for dinner or that we could go away for the weekend or that he would call me at a certain time. And then none of those things would happen.

He would also promise me that he would leave his wife and that we would be together forever and that never happened.

All of those promises were ones that he just couldn’t keep. For the small things, life would just get in the way and they wouldn’t happen. For THE big one, I know now that, for him to do that, it would have taken a tremendous amount of strength and fortitude, something that he just did not have.

I do believe that he wanted to be with me, ultimately, but he just couldn’t make it happen. There was, for him, too much at stake to leave his wife. He knew his finances would be destroyed and that he wouldn’t see his kids all the time and that his social life would suffer.

And yet, even though he knew this, he kept on promising to leave his wife, I think hoping that one day the stars would align and he could do so without causing all the damage that he was afraid of.

And that time never came. Shocking!

#2 – You are not his priority.

I know that he says that you are the only one for him and that he puts you and your feelings first every time, but the reality is is that he just doesn’t. He might want to, but he doesn’t.

There is work and family and friends and working out and chores. All of those things are things that must get done. And none of them are things that are a secret, like you are.

I know that, when my married man promised me that he would come see me on the weekend and then he had to work, he always had to choose work. Why? Because it wasn’t like he could tell work that he couldn’t make it in because he had promised his lover that he would visit her.

Nor could he tell his family or his friends or anyone else that I existed. As a result, whenever something came up, I was the one who was cast to the side.

When we are in a real relationship where no one is kept secret, we are an open part of any equation in a decision being made. As you might know, a man will try to put his wife first because when she is happy, he is happy. The same would happen with a girlfriend. Instead of putting everything else first without considering you, your man would be able to openly share with others that he has to consider you and, often, plans could be changed in your favor.

However, now you are a secret. You are the one who he has to hide from everyone. And, as a result, even if he wanted to, he just couldn’t make you a priority.

And that, I am afraid, is one reason why your married man always breaks his promises.

#3 – He knows that you will let him get away with it.

So, be honest with yourself – when your married man breaks his promises, do you always forgive him?

I am guessing that you do get really pissed off and that you let him know it. Perhaps you make the decision to walk away forever, knowing that you just can’t deal with the lies anymore. Perhaps you actually do walk away, heartbroken.

BUT, do you always go back? I am guessing that, in spite of the broken promises, you truly believe that he is the love of your life and that once he leaves his wife he will stop breaking his promises and you will live happily ever after so back you go.

So, knowing that there will be no consequences if your married man always breaks his promises, why would he make any real effort to make any change, to keep the promises that he makes?

The best thing that you could do if your married man always breaks his promises is to get up and walk away. Walk away until he does leave his wife and is willing to put you first.

I mean, if you had a boyfriend who was always breaking his promises, would you stay, forgiving him every time for his actions? I am guessing probably not!

If you always forgive your man when he breaks his promises, I am afraid that you are as much the source of your heartbreak as he is because you stick around and take it!

#4- He might just be a liar.

It might not surprise you to hear that your married man just might be a liar.

I mean, after all, he is stepping out on his wife and, at this point, lying has probably a habit that he can’t control.

Men who are cheating on their wives are often men who have a hard time owning their behaviors. Men who feel badly about themselves. Men who know that they are letting people down. And, when they feel so badly about themselves, they can develop patterns of behavior that are toxic. And lying is one of them.

I know that, with my married guy, when we first met he was very honest with me. We shared all of our hopes and dreams and his unhappiness and from that sharing our love grew.

But, as time went on and our relationship became more complicated, he stopped being the open and forthright person he had always been. He knew that he was letting me down and he didn’t want to do that. So, to try to keep me from feeling bad, he made promises that he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep. And he did that over and over and over in spite of how much worse it made me feel than if he hadn’t made them

And, knowing that I wouldn’t leave him, even if he lied, gave him the permission to do so, over and over and over. We developed this pattern where he lied and promised to never do it again and I forgave him and we were happy until it did happen again.

Reflect on your relationship. Has it changed over the months or years, from one that is based on honesty to one that is rife with lies? I am guessing it probably has!

#5- He knows he can’t give you what you really want.

This is THE reason why your married man always breaks his promises because he knows that, ultimately, he won’t be able to give you what you want  him.

And the way this makes him feel makes him lie to you, to break his promises.

Your married man does love you. I am sure of that. And he wants to have you in his life because you give him pleasure and sex and allow him to step away from his humdrum life, even if just for a little bit. And, because of that love, he doesn’t want to lie to you but he feels like he has to, to protect himself and you.

So, the two of you are doing this dance, a pretend waltz, trying to create a universe where you will be able to be together. And that universe is one built on broken promises and fear for the future.

Unfortunately, more often than not, affairs such as these do end. One of the participants realizes that they must let go because the pain is too great, and that person is usually the woman.

And the men will do anything for them to stay and so they make more promises, desperate to keep them in their lives, even if they know that they can’t keep them.

It is so heartbreaking to know that your married man always breaks his promises.

I know that you love him and that you truly believe that you are soulmates but I am here to tell you that that is not true. Your married man is just another damaged soul, one who just does not know what to do next.

As a result, they take the easy way out making promises and then breaking them.

It’s up to you now.

Do you want to continue on this gerbil wheel of being lied to, of waiting around for your married man to leave his wife and be with you?

Do you want to continue to forgive him, hoping that things will change?

Can you truly still love someone who lies to you over and over and over?

You only have one life to live.”Are you truly living it the way you want to?

If not, make change! You can do it! I promise.

5 Ways I Set the Stage For My Spouse’s Cheating

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In retrospect, I know that, in many ways, I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame myself for his cheating but I do know that, in many ways, my actions made it so that our relationship was vulnerable to one of us stepping out.

I have a tremendous amount of regret for the things that I did that made our marriage susceptible to infidelity and I want to share them with you today so that you don’t make the same mistakes I made over the course of my marriage.

Here are 5 ways I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

#1 – I took him for granted.

When we first got married, my life was all about us as a couple.

We worked together and played together and life was grand.

And then we had kids and everything changed.

The kids and their activities became the focus of my life. Whatever they needed took priority over anything else. I had wanted to be a mom my whole life and having kids meant all of my dreams had come true.

Unfortunately, I think the arrival of the kids were my spouse’s nightmare.

I am not saying that he didn’t love the kids. He loved them madly. I am saying that my focus totally turned away from him and towards the children and I am sure that must have felt horrible for him.

And, not only did I focus on the kids, I expected him to focus on the kids as well, to make them the center of our family and not us.

As a result, I just expected him to be there when I needed him. I expected him to pick the kids up if I needed him to. To take them away on Saturday mornings so that I could get things done. To coach soccer and to go to races. Etc.

And I am not sure that I ever asked him to do those things I just assumed that he would.

I am hoping that I said thank you for the things that he did but I am guessing that I wasn’t so good at doing that which probably left him feeling unimportant and invisible.

Perhaps, if I had made him more a part of the team instead of this person who would do my bidding, I wouldn’t have left him feeling this way and, when someone else came along who might actually see him, he might have been able to resist the temptation to stray.

#2 – I treated him with contempt.

This is the thing that I regret the most.

I know that, in spite of everything that he did for me, everything that I took for granted that he went along with, with no complaints, I treated my spouse with contempt.

The definition of contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. And this is exactly how I treated him.

When he came home late from work and missed dinner, I said that I would fire” him. When he did something, but not the way I wanted him to, I would passive aggressively say something demeaning.

I criticized the way he did everything telling him what he was doing wrong. I didn’t support his dreams and hobbies but brushed them off as pipe dreams that he would never achieve.

There is nothing that will kill a relationship quicker than contempt. Why? Because with contempt comes feelings of anger and resentment. Of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Of not trusting your partner to care about your feelings. Of believing that not only do they not love you but that they don’t even like you.

I wish, more than anything, that I hadn’t treated my spouse with contempt. I wish I had been open and honest and supportive and respectful with and of him.

I am not sure that I have ever treated anyone else with contempt- so why did I treat him that way?

Regardless, when someone else came along, I had set the stage for my spouse’s cheating because when that person treated him well, he naturally turned towards them and the love and respect they gave him.

#3 – I spent more time with my friends than with him.

Before we had kids, my spouse and I did everything together.

We worked together, we hung out with friends together, we travelled together, we had fun together. A lot of fun.

But, after the kids were born, everything changed.

A big reason for this is that our focus shifted  me to the kids and him towards work and supporting us. We no longer shared our days and experiences but rather, more often than not, did things completely separately.

And when you don’t share experiences, it’s easy to grow apart.

I know that over the course of our marriage, I spent more and more time with my friends. We would walk together in the mornings, have play dates together, go to the movies together and go away on weekends. We did the fun and bonding things that I used to do with my husband.

And no longer sharing those things only drove us further apart until there was very little that we shared other than the kids.

We didn’t do this on purpose, and I am not even sure that I noticed that I was doing it at the time, but, in retrospect, I wish that we had made an effort to spend more time together, to stay connected with the things that had drawn us together in the first place.

If we had, there wouldn’t have been space in my spouse’s life when another woman came along to have fun with him.

#4 – I put too much distance between us.

This one is not entirely my fault but it is something that I think caused a significant rift in our relationship, one that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

When our kids were little, my spouse decided that he needed to do two things hike the Grand Canyon and go back to school for his master’s. To do those things, he needed to leave me alone with the kids. Over and over and over.

I was angry when he did these things but, over time, I started to realize that, in many ways, it was easier when he wasn’t around. There was no disruption with his comings and goings and I was free to do things where and when I wanted to do them.

As the years went by, we found ourselves spending less and less time actually living together. His work led him to Canada where he lived for six months. Later, I had to move away, temporarily, with my son who was having some issues at school.

These things separated us for months, making both of us feel lonely and abandoned. As a result, he was vulnerable to someone coming along who was there, present, and who wouldn’t leave him feeling alone.

#5 – I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

The number one thing that I didn’t do that set the stage for my spouse’s cheating is that I didn’t tell him how I was feeling.

In the moment, I probably did not really understand how I was feeling. I was just going through my days, trying to keep my head above water, organizing everything that was our crazy family life. But, I know now, that I was miserable and a big part of that was because I was so disconnected from my husband.

I had loved him madly when we got married and I was so excited that we would get to build a life and a family together. As the years went on and we became increasingly estranged from each other, I was sad. Very sad and lonely. I missed him and the couple that we were.

But I wasn’t able to express those feelings at the time, maybe because I didn’t see them but more likely because I was scared. I was scared that, if I spoke the words out loud, it was cause some kind of implosion in our lives, an implosion that I did not think that I could quite handle.

I think that I was also worried that I would lose him. I assumed that, if we could just get through this period of time, we would be able to find our way back to each other. But I was wrong.

Not only didn’t I tell him about how I was feeling, I also spent tons of time talking to my friends about how miserable I was. About the things that we did and didn’t do together, about our disconnection and our long absences. They knew how I was feeling, but he didn’t.

As a result, when he cheated on me and ended our marriage, none of my friends were surprised. I was but they had seen the writing on the wall for a long time.

If only I had talked to my husband, maybe when someone else came along who could talk to him about how they were feeling, to connect around those emotions, he wouldn’t have moved towards them and away from me.

So, there are 5 ways that I set the stage for my spouse’s cheating.

I hope they give you some sense of what not to do in your marriage so that it does not end badly.

Again, I don’t blame myself for what happened. After all, I was in the same relationship and I didn’t stray. But I know that I have a large part of the responsibility for what happened in our marriage and its demise.

I mean, who wants to be taken for granted, treated with contempt, abandoned and not communicated with?

I know I wouldn’t. And he didn’t too!

Why Being Unfaithful to Your Spouse is Being Unfaithful to Your Family

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Are you being unfaithful to your spouse? Have you crossed a line that you never thought that you would cross and having an affair?

Are you feeling incredibly guilty, knowing that you shouldn’t be doing what you are doing, even though it feels so great in the moment?

Are you devastated that you might hurt your spouse, the parent of your children?

I totally get that. No one wants to hurt the person they vowed to love forever or betray what they believe in.

Unfortunately, when a parent has an affair, it is not only the marriage that gets damaged but also the family unit. I know that you don’t think that this affair will affect your family but it will!

Here are 5 reasons why being unfaithful to your spouse is being unfaithful to your family.

#1 – You are breaking promises.

When a couple gets married, they do so in good faith. They commit to each other for life, promising to honor and cherish each other forever. And I don’t know one person who has entered into a marriage believing that they would do anything else.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, you are breaking a promise. A promise that you made in front of family and friends, one that laid the foundation for the family that you would build together.

And, now that you have broken that promise, you have damaged the very foundation on which that family was built.

For a family to be healthy and whole, its foundation needs to be strong. It needs to have two parents committed to its success, neither one of them sabotaging it in any way. By breaking your promise to your spouse, you have damaged that foundation, leaving your family a very shaky ground on which to stay healthy.

So, understand that, if you are unfaithful to your spouse, you are damaging the bedrock on which your family was built. As a result, the whole thing just might come tumbling down.

#2- You are lying.

A key part of good parenting is modeling good behaviors. We want our children to be good and kind and understanding and upright and we can teach them that but, really, the best way to help them learn is by modeling. By letting them see what goodness and kindness looks like, first hand, and showing them how to apply those things in the world.

A conscious parent knows this and tries to apply it to their family life. Someone who is cheating is someone who is not modeling good behavior because they are lying.

I am sure that you are thinking that no one in your family knows that you are cheating so no one in your family knows that you are lying. But I would push back against that. Children are very perceptive and, even if they don’t know that you are lying, per se, they do know that something is off. You can see evidence of that in the erratic behaviors of children whose parents are unhappy, or who are struggling at work or who have a drinking problem.

Furthermore, while your family might not know right now, they most likely will someday know about your affair and they will know that you were lying to them and that will only teach them that it’s okay to lie. I mean, if their parent did it, why wouldn’t they?

So, know that if you are being unfaithful to your spouse you are no longer modeling behavior that you would like your child to copy you are modeling behavior that will only be destructive for them in the long run.

#3 – You aren’t fully present.

I have a client who was having an affair. And that affair consumed her.

Outside of her affair, her life was mundane. She was a mother and a wife and a volunteer. She cooked and cleaned and carpooled and went for walks with her friends. BORING!

When she entered into an affair, her mundane life was no more. She was having intense conversations, she was wanted, she was desired, she was sexual, she was a woman again!

And all of this made it very hard for her to be present with her family.

She recalled one night when the four of them were having dinner. Her family had always had good conversations at dinner and she loved them. This night, however, she found herself totally disconnected from the family dinner, anxious to get to her phone to see if her lover had texted.

When she became aware of this, she was devastated. She wanted to be connected to her family but, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t.

At bedtime, her daughter asked her why she wasn’t talking at dinner. Was she ok? My client didn’t know what to do but she did know that her daughter had noticed and she knew that that wasn’t ok.

So, just know that, if you are having an affair, it is very likely that you aren’t as present as you might have been in the past and this might cause a fracture in your family, even if it’s just a small one. A small crack can spread very easily!

#4 – You are betraying their parent.

The long and short of it is is that you are having an affair and you are betraying your children’s parent. You are being disrespectful and dishonest, you are sharing intimacies and sexual experiences with someone other than your spouse.

And this is not okay for a child. Ever.

Again, your family might not know that you are having an affair but they will, someday. And when they learn the truth, they will know that you had so little respect for their parent that you were willing to lie and cheat.

And, while your spouse might ultimately forgive you, your children most likely never will. Or, if they do, it will always be in the back of their mind that their parent hurt their other parent and that it wasn’t ok.

My parents set a terrible example for my siblings and me. Both of them cheated, my father more than once. As a result, we never respected either of our parents. We knew that cheating wasn’t ok but it seemed to become normalized in our family. We never talked about it but it was something that we all knew, to some degree.

The sad thing about this is that all of us kids have had relationships that are plagued with infidelity. Because we never had the example of parents who didn’t betray each other, we didn’t really have a road map to navigate a healthy relationship. So, we cheated.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, know that your children will know someday that you betrayed their parent and, not only might they not ever forgive you but you could very well be modeling behavior that they will repeat as adults.

#5 – You are hating yourself.

A healthy parent is one who feels good about themselves. They believe that they are good people in the world, people who work hard to take care of their family. They respect the way they are in the world. They know that they make good choices to model to their family. They know that they are true to their convictions and that they are being the best person that they can be.

A person who is being unfaithful to their spouse is not someone who feels good about themselves. I have so many clients who have struggled with infidelity and, without exception, a big part of their struggle is the guilt and self-loathing they experience as a result of the infidelity. And that self-loathing carries over into their parenting.

Do you believe that your spouse or your kids don’t see your behavior and wonder what has happened? Do you believe that you are hiding your self-hatred from your mother or your friends? Do you believe that how you feel about yourself, good or bad, isn’t written all over your face?

You would be wrong if you thought any of those things.

So, if you are struggling with the self-hatred that is most usually the side effect of an affair, know that your family is being affected by it. They know the person you were before the affair and this stranger who now sits at the dinner table is a someone they don’t recognize.

If you are being unfaithful to your spouse, it is more likely than not that it is affecting your whole family.

The person who you were before the affair is mostly likely buried somewhere inside the shell of the person you are right now. This new person is a liar who betrays their spouse and breaks promises. This new person is no longer present at family get togethers. This person hates themselves and that self-hatred is reflected on who they are in the world.

As you struggle with the fact that you are having an affair, or considering getting into one, know that your affair will have far reaching consequences, consequences that you should consider as you take this next step.

After all, your family has always been your priority. Why should that change now?

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Lies

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Knowing how to save a marriage after infidelity and lies is the key to actually being able to do it!

When we set out to save a marriage, for any reason, we often make the mistake of not defining our goal specifically and identifying the things that need to be done to get there.

If you truly want to save your marriage after infidelity, focus your goal on that and make sure that the items below are a part of your toolkit.

#1 – Be Honest

It is essential that, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, you be honest with each other. No marriage can be saved without honesty, and honesty is the key to every happy relationship.

What do you need to be honest about? Several things.

The first is for the cheater to be honest about what happened. To own up to the infidelity and take ownership of what they have done by having the affair. Too many people, mostly because they are consumed with guilt, deny that the affair was a big deal, saying that it was just something that happened and that they want to forget about.

As a result, the other person feels cheated. They feel lied to. They feel disrespected. And that doesn’t set the stage for saving a marriage.

Another thing that is essential to be honest about is whether or not you want the marriage to be saved. Unless both people in the relationship want to work through this, there is no reason to even try.

Why? If one person wants to move forward, someone who doesn’t want to will only hold the other person back. If one person doesn’t want to move forward, they should be honest with their spouse and let them go so that they have an opportunity to heal.

So, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, it is essential to start by being honest with each other. If you don’t, your marriage is definitely doomed.

#2 – Be Patient

I know that the pain that you are feeling right now is huge. Whether you cheated or are the person cheated on, the revelation that there was cheating is devastating.

And, when we are in pain, we want more than anything for it to be gone, to return to normal again. Because normal might have been painful but less so.

It will take a couple a while to heal their marriage after infidelity. The person who cheated is most likely overwhelmed with guilt, even if they don’t think they are. And the person who was cheated on is probably struggling with anger, hurt, self-doubt and worse. Those emotions aren’t easy to get past.

So be patient. Know that the pain is going to stick around for a while. Figure out ways to manage it and don’t take it out on your partner.

If you take your pain out on your partner by treating them with contempt, you will only set yourself up for more pain and maybe the end of your marriage. There are ways to manage your pain without making things worse.

I would encourage you to keep yourself busy. There is nothing worse than sitting in your head all day, obsessing about what happened. Even worse is stalking them on social media, trying to learn more about the lover and trying to figure out if your partner is still cheating.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, spend time with people who love and support you and get enough sleep (I know – easier said than done right now). If you can take care of yourself right now, instead of sitting on the couch eating ice cream and obsessing, you will find that your pain will be lessened, if only for a little bit!

So, manage your pain as you work through saving your marriage. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Be Committed

If you are trying to save your marriage after infidelity, I would encourage you to decide whether you are committed to doing the work to save it.

I always tell my clients, when they are trying to stay away from someone who has broken their heart, to not be wishy-washy – to not say that they are going to ‘try’ to stay away from them. That they are going to ‘try’ to not respond to their texts. That they are going to ‘try’ to not stalk them on social media.

If you truly want to save your marriage, it is essential that you both are truly committed to making it happen. Commitment, the belief that you CAN do something, is the key to having success in anything, whether at work or in your personal life.

So, take a good look at how you are feeling. I am guessing that you aren’t sure if your marriage can be saved but being fully committed to doing the work to try to save it will only set you up for success.

I remember when my ex wanted to go to therapy after he asked for a divorce it was only so that ‘our marriage would end well.’ From my perspective, why even bother? He had made up his mind and therapy would have been a waste of time. I wished it could have been different but it was what it was. So, I went off and did my therapy and am now living happily ever after.

So, if you aren’t fully committed to making the effort to save your marriage, don’t even try.

#4 – Be Willing to Get Help

So many people believe that they can survive anything without getting any help.

For some reason, getting professional help to get you through difficult times has been stigmatized. We believe that we are tough, that we can get through anything on our own.

But this just isn’t the case. Why? Because you have never done this before. Never tried to save your marriage after infidelity.

Imagine that someone took you skiing and you had never been skiing once in your life. You decide not to take lessons because ‘how hard can it be?’ And then you find yourself at the top of the mountain with strange boards on your feet having no idea what to do next.

Getting through infidelity is the same. You have never been through this before and trying the DIY version of working through it will only end in more pain.

So, if you are both honestly committed to working through trying to save your marriage, I would encourage you to reach out to a professional marriage counselor or life coach who could help you take the steps to do so!

#5 – Be Respectful

I am guessing that you read this title and you thought to yourself – no way! Your person has cheated on you – you don’t owe them any respect.

I know that they have hurt you, deeply, but if you can’t treat them with respect, the respect that they deserve as a person, even if they have made a huge mistake, then you are just sabotaging any chances of saving your marriage.

Furthermore, I would encourage you not to talk to everyone about what has happened. Of course, we all have people who we need to process things with but getting out into the community and telling everyone what happened would only make things worse.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married woman and, when she decided to leave the relationship, he felt completely abandoned. And hurt. And he wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurt himself.

So, he decided that he was going to approach her and her husband, in front of all of their friends, and tell the husband what had happened between them. He knew that if he did this, his ex’s reputation in the community would be destroyed and that, if they ever got back together, not only would he be ridiculed but it would be hard for them to be respected as a couple.

So, if you want to save your marriage after your partner cheated, I would encourage you not to do or say anything that you can’t take back. I would encourage you to treat your partner like you would want to be treated. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up to end your marriage.

Knowing some of the things to do if you want to save your marriage after infidelity is the best way to actually reach your goal.

It’s not going to be easy to come back after infidelity, but if you are honest, committed, willing to get help, and be respectful, you are setting yourself up, in a big way, for success.

I know that you can do this! And, no matter how it all ends up, you can know that you did your best and that you maintained your self-esteem in the process!

5 Things to Do if You Can’t Get Over Your Wife Cheating

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In spite of all of your best efforts, are you finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating?

Do you want more than anything to do so so that you can move forward and out of this pain but find you just can ‘ t?

Is this inability to get over your wife cheating making you wonder if maybe the best thing to do is to just stuff it all down and hope it passes?

I get it. Everything you are struggling with is natural after finding that a partner has cheated.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to figure out what the next steps are, even if you haven ‘ t been able to get over your wife cheating.

Here are 5 of them:

#1 – Decide what you want.

Ok, so you are finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating and, since you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are finding this very frustrating.

My question to you is – why you are finding this so frustrating?

Are you finding it frustrating because you want to forgive her so that you can stay together and live happily ever after?

Are you finding it frustrating because you find yourself hating her and you don ‘ t want to hate the mother of your children?

Are you finding it frustrating because you so want to end the marriage but you think that leaving isn’t an option if you can ‘ t past your wife ‘ s infidelity, that if you just leave you will be stuck in this cycle of anger forever?

Are you finding it frustrating because your friends are sick of hearing about this subject?

Is it something else completely?

Whatever the reason, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want, to set a goal that you are working towards. Why? Because without a goal to move towards, action is difficult.

If you want to get past your wife cheating because you would like to stay with her and live happily ever after then that will entail one course of action – most likely therapy.

If you want to get past your wife cheating for the kids, there is another course of action. Again, probably therapy to help you both manage the effect the infidelity will have on the kids.

If you want to get past your wife cheating so that you can move on without bad feelings then that ‘ s a whole other course of action, one that involves you doing what you need to do, not you as a couple need to do, to make that possible.

Whatever your reason for wanting to let go of your wife cheating, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ you want to get over it and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want the outcome to be. There might not be just one outcome that you want but pick the one that feels the best in your stomach, the one that would feel like the best outcome at this time. It might be challenging but you can do it!

Of course, you might not be able to get the outcome that you want, ultimately, but you will have no chance, whatsoever, of getting it if you don ‘ t know what it is!

#2 – Tell her what you want.

Once you have decided what you want, it is important that you share this with your spouse. Even if you are still somewhat struggling with what you want, tell her that you could like to aim towards the thing that you decided you want to aim towards.

Why? Because it ‘ s important to know that you are on the same page before you take next steps.

If you want to stay together and be happy and she doesn ‘ t, you can decide whether or not you want to try anyway.

If you want out and she doesn ‘ t, then at least she knows what you want and she can decide if she wants to do the work to help your marriage end in a way that will help you all heal.

Whatever it is you want, it is important that you both know the direction that whatever work you do is headed.

How good would it feel for you to be on a path towards letting go, no matter what the outcome is? Because getting on that path, no matter the outcome, is better than standing still, not sure what steps to take next.

#3 – Be honest.

So – tell me the truth. Have you been honest with your spouse about how you feel about what has happened?

Those of us who have struggled with a spouse ‘ s infidelity all react in different ways. For me, I confronted the issue head on. I screamed and yelled and cried and talked and asked questions. I wanted to deal with this and move past it.

But that isn ‘ t always the way. For many people, learning about infidelity causes them to close down. Instead of telling their spouse how they feel about the cheating, they stay in their head, obsessing about what happened, imagining scenarios that may or may not be based on the truth.

Or perhaps you are acting like everything is fine. That the affair is over and you are ok with that and that you want to move on. Even if it ‘ s a lie.

Or perhaps you want more than anything to talk about it but you have been giving your wife the silent treatment because you are scared of the words that might be said.

What I can tell is that, if you aren ‘ t being honest with yourself, or your partner, about your feelings then there isn ‘ t any chance that you will be able to get over your wife cheating.

Stuffing down your feelings will only lead to more anger, not less, which is not what you want, I am guessing, if you are reading this article.

#4 – Explore your options.

One of the things that happen when we find out that our partners have been unfaithful is that we wonder what the future will look like.

We thought we had it all figured out. That the marriage would continue, even if there were issues. That love and respect were still part of your relationship and that would be enough to carry you through. That if you could just make it until the kids go off to college you guys would be ok!

Unfortunately, infidelity throws a wrench into all of those plans and we are left alone, afraid of the future.

I always encourage my clients who are struggling with exactly what you are struggling with to gather some information about what your future could look like.

While you might think that a future together would be impossible, reading up on other people ‘ s experiences might be helpful. Talking together with a therapist might help make the vision of the future a little clearer.

If you want to walk away from the marriage, perhaps you are hesitant to do so because of what could happen if you do. I know that when my husband left me I held on tight. I was scared that I would have to do my own taxes and that I would lose my health care and and have to get a low paying job and move out of my house. My research led me to understand that I wouldn ‘ t necessarily have to get a low paying job or lose my house. I could still get health insurance through the state and my taxes, well, I would think about those later. Knowing the answers to my questions helped me to have a clearer picture of what a future without my husband might look like

Without concrete information, making a decision about something, namely what your future looks like, is impossible. And, if you are stuck in this place where you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating, it might be because you are scared of the future and feeling stuck.

Knowing your options might help change that.

#5 – Take Action.

The number one most important thing for you to do if you are finding that you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating is to finish this article and then stand up and take action.

I am guessing that for days, weeks or months you have been in a state of shock. Angry, sad, guilty, perhaps blaming yourself, scared, depressed. And during that time, I am guessing that you worked out really hard or drank a few more beers than usual. Or both. And while doing those things can numb the pain, they won ‘ t help you let go of your wife ‘ s cheating.

Now is the time to change that. Instead of being stuck in this place of limbo, where you can ‘ t move on in any direction, imagine what it would feel like if you started working towards the life you want.

Imagine doing the work, with or without your wife, to get past feelings that have been holding you back, towards a future where you don ‘ t spend every moment of every day thinking about your wife ‘ s infidelity. Wouldn ‘ t that feel good?

So, get up off the couch and take action. Work to identify, RIGHT NOW, what it is that you want and take a step towards it, even a small one. A small step is better than no step at all.

Working to let go of your wife cheating is not an easy thing. That iswhy you find yourself in this place, being unable to do so.

But I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to let go of your spouse ‘ s infidelity and move forward, to stop being stuck in this in-between place that is sucking you dry.

Identify what you want, be clear with your wife about what it is, be honest with her, and everyone, about how you are feeling, explore your options and take action!

You don ‘ t know what the future holds – all you know that you want to be out of the place that you are now.

And you can do it – you just have to start now!

5 Reasons Why Your Married Man Won’t Let You Move On

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Are you feeling completely overwhelmed because your married man won ‘ t let you move on?

Have you finally found the strength to let him go but are you finding that he is making it very difficult for you to actually leave?

This is not unusual.

Even if you ‘ re making each other miserable, it has been hard to walk away and I am guessing a big part of that is because your married guy doesn ‘ t want to let you go.

There are reasons why a married man won ‘ t let you move on. Understanding those might be the key to you being able to make that final break, to get away from him so that you can have the life you want.

Here are 5 reasons why a married man won ‘ t let you move on. I hope they help you get the clarity you need to find the strength necessary to move forward.

#1 – You take care of him.

Be honest? How much of your time is spent taking care of your married man?

Do you support him when he has a fight with his wife? Do you listen to him when he talks about how unhappy he is in his marriage, how he hasn ‘ t had sex for years, how she treats him like a child? Do you provide words of love and support? Do you rub his neck and give him all the love you can so that he can be happy?

Before he met you, your married man had to deal with his life on his own. He had to deal with his unhappiness, his loneliness and his uncertainty about his future all by his lonesome. For many men, managing their emotions is not something they do easily.

So, now you ‘ re asking him to let go of the one person who can give him the love and support that he needs. He thinks he will be miserable, and he might be, because he believes that you are the only ticket out of that misery.

Ironically, you taking care of him is one of the reasons why he won ‘ t leave his wife. Why would he? He has everything he needs from you, all that love and support, and he can keep his family and his finances intact.

So, one of the reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because you take such good care of him. Perhaps now it ‘ s time to stop doing that and only take care of yourself.

#2 – The sex.

This is a pretty obvious one that I don ‘ t need to go into much detail about but a big reason why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because of the sex.

For many married men, they have affairs because they aren ‘ t getting any sex at home, or not enough to satisfy them. And then you came along and the sex was plentiful and amazing, as affair sex often is. Your married man most likely thought that he had died and gone to heaven, that you were the best sex he ever had and letting go of it would destroy him.

If you leave him, that sex will go away. And that is a fate worse than death for any man.

If you are trying to move on from your man and he is not letting you go, know that one of the reasons is because of the sex. Yes, he loves you, but the sex is a major thing that makes it really hard to move on.

#3 – Obsession.

I know that when I was involved with a married man, one major reason why he wouldn ‘ t let me go was because he was obsessed with me.

Before he met me, his life was miserable. He was in a job he hated, he was unhappily married, he was struggling with his finances and his kids were having a hard time. And then along I came and made his life wonderful.

My guy was sure that without me in his life, he would no longer be able to handle all the things that he needed to handle. He thought that I was the only one who could keep him from falling apart. He believed that without me his life was hopeless.

So, one of the reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because he is obsessed with you, he has a vision of you as his savior, as the only person who can make him happy, and that makes him paralyzed when it comes to letting you go.

#4 – Fear.

One of the reasons that you probably had a hard time leaving your married man was because you were afraid of what ‘ s next. You were scared of being alone, that you would never love or be loved again, of the pain and the loss and the loneliness.

Your guy is in the exact same place, scared as hell. Only his is worse.

You are, most likely, the only thing in his life that really makes him happy. The idea of losing you scares the shit out of him.

For you, your future is certain. You are not in a marriage that you can ‘ t leave. You aren ‘ t scared about breaking your family apart. You aren ‘ t worried about your finances. For you, once your married man lets you move on, the sky is the limit. You can put yourself out there and meet new people, you can excel at your job, you can start to build a life for yourself that might include marriage, family, and healthy finances.

But with you gone, your guy has none of that. All he has is you longer being in his life.

And that ‘ s scary as hell.

#5 – He wants it all.

One of the main reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because he has it all and he doesn ‘ t want to let go of it. I mean, who would?

As I talked about earlier, your man has somebody who can support him, he has somebody who will have sex with him, he has somebody who he believes to be his savior in the world. And he has his family. He has a wife who is his partner. He has kids he gets to see every day. He has a house that is comfortable and an active social life.

He literally is having his cake and eating it too. Who wouldn ‘ t want to let go of that?

Ironically, this is exactly the reason why you need to let him go. During your affair, you have most likely put your life on hold for him while he has been able to live a full life because you were there, supporting him.

He had you to give him sex and love and he had his family and his finances intact.

He has never left his wife because he had it all and letting go of you means that he ‘ s just left with he started with, unhappiness.

Knowing why your married man won ‘ t let you move on might be just the thing that you need to help you make the final cut and start living your life again.

When I broke up with my guy the final time, after blocking him everywhere so that he couldn ‘ t contact me, I made this list of the 5 things above and kept it on my fridge.

With that list, I could remember why my married man wouldn ‘ t let me move on. And my list made it quite clear – NONE of the reasons that he wouldn ‘ t let me go had ANYTHING to do with me or my feelings, only what he wanted and needed.

As usual.

You can do this. You can let go of your married man. And what I can promise you is that, if you do, you will be way happier than he will be in the long run.

 

Are You In an Emotional Affair? 5 Seemingly Innocent Things that Signal YES

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Are you in a friendship with someone outside of your relationship and are you wondering if you are in an emotional affair. I mean it ‘ s just a friendship, right? How can it be an affair?

For many people, an affair isn ‘ t an affair if there isn ‘ t sex involved. Unfortunately, there is a kind of infidelity where there is no sex but there is something worse – true emotional connection – an emotional affair.

Emotional affairs are, in many ways, more destructive than sexual affairs. Emotional affairs involve having a deep connection with someone who is not your partner, a connection that is hard to walk away from. It involves feelings that are stronger than friendship, feelings that might seem innocent but might actually be leading to something unexpected.

Because there is no sex involved, only emotions, emotional affairs aren ‘ t always easy to identify. Theystart out, more often than not,as a friendship but slowly evolve to something more.

I am guessing if you are reading this article you might be wondering if you are in an emotional affair and how to tell if you are. You might not want to believe you are, because it ‘ s something that you never believed you could do, but it ‘ s important to know the signs so that you can have some awareness as you move forward.

To better understand if you are in an emotional affair, let me tell you 5 seemingly innocent things that you might be doing that will tell you if you are having one.

#1 – Confidences.

More often than not, emotional affairs start with confidences, things that are somewhat intimate which are shared with another person.

A client of mine told me about when her emotional affair started. She was taking a walk and she ran into a married male friend of hers, one that she had known for years. She had been struggling with chronic sadness and she didn ‘ t know what to do about it. She, for some reason, told him. He told her that he, too, had experienced those feelings and that he had just been diagnosed with depression.

So, began their friendship, bound by the admission of depression. Her husband and his wife never understood how their partners could be depressed. Life was good and the kids were thriving – what was there to be depressed about. But they understood each other. They understood that, even though life was good, people get depressed.

As their friendship grew they started sharing more and more with each other, things that they didn ‘ t feel safe sharing with their spouses. They came to believe that the other person understood them in a way that no one else ever had, certainly more than their spouse did. They grew to rely on that friend more and more for support, turning away from their spouse in the process.

Do you share confidences with your friend in a way that you don ‘ t with your partner? Does your friend know things about you that others don ‘ t. Sharing confidences is definitely an indicator that you might be in an emotional affair and you should be aware of it.

#2 – Theneed for contact.

My client shared with me that as their friendship grew, so did their need to be in contact with each other. They worked together so they saw each other frequently but their casual hallway conversations turned into coffees and lunches and cocktails.

She said that the feeling that she got when her phone text alert went off was one of anticipation and excitement. When it was him, she was thrilled. When it wasn’t him, she felt anxious and uneasy, wondering where he was and what he was doing.

The worst, she said, were the weekends when there was no communication at all. She felt like, without her friend to talk to, she was adrift.

Have you found that you have more communication with your friend than you used to? Do you find yourself looking forward to talking to them and being disappointed when you weren ‘ t able to? If yes, you just might be in an emotional affair, whether you want to believe it or not.

#3 – Preoccupation.

My client told me that, as their friendship and connection grew, she found herself having a hard time thinking of things other than the time she spent with her friend.

She would think about him first thing in the morning and she would dress carefully so that when she went into work he might notice. She made herself available at lunch time, distancing herself from her other co-workers. At night, during the family dinner, she found herself unable to focus on her family, thinking instead about her friend and a conversation they shared as they sat next to each other on a bench.

Do you find yourself preoccupied by your friendship with your person? Do you find yourself going out of your way to see them? Do you find yourself having a hard time focusing on other things in your life because of your preoccupation?

If you are, this is a sign of an emotional affair that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

#4 – Hiding things.

When my client first started spending time with this co-worker, she would often tell her husband about their conversations because they were just that, conversations. Conversations that she would have with any other co-worker. When the conversations became more intimate, full of confidences, she stopped telling her husband about them.

She started to lie to her husband about who she had lunch with and who she was texting with and why. She would purposefully not tell him things that she told her friend, wanted to share them with her friend exclusively. She pulled further and further away from her husband and movedtowards her friend.

If you are involved in a friendship and you lie to your partner about it, you are, most likely having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you? Betrayed, I am guessing.

#5 – Physical attraction.

This final sign is one that sneaks up on us.

My client said that after just a few weeks of talking so intimately with her friend she started to feel a deep physical attraction to him. At first, she ignored it, figuring it was a figment of her imagination. This guy was just a friend and having sexual feelings for him was absurd.

But, as the weeks went on, her attraction to him grew. She would find opportunities to touch him whenever she could and when she did she felt an electricity that would move down through her body. It was a feeling that she hadn ‘ t had for years with her husband and the feeling drew her closer, emotionally, to her friend.

Physical attraction isn ‘ t always present during emotional affairs but if you are feeling it, you are definitely more than friends and you should carefully consider your next steps before your friendship gets out of hand.

Knowing the seemingly innocent things that might show that you are in an emotional affair is of vital importance as doing so will help you make conscious choices going forward.

My client said that she never expected the emotional affair to develop. She and her person really were friends and had been for years. For this friendship to grow into what it was surprised and overwhelmed her. And what she realized was that she loved this man and would have walked away from her family because she believed that he was her soul mate. All because of some confidences a few months earlier.

So, take a good look at your friendship with this person. Do you share things with them that you don ‘ t tell anyone else? Do you need to be in regular contact with them or you get anxious? Do you find yourself distracted by thoughts of them and the time you spend together? Are you hiding things from your partner? Are you feeling deep sexual attraction for the first time in years?

All of these things are signs of an emotional affair. Again, I know that you never thought of yourself as a cheater and you definitely didn ‘ t set out for this to happen but emotional affairs creep out of nowhere.

Take some time, right now, to consider if you want this emotional affair to expand into something more. Is itworth blowing up your life for? Whether the emotional affair is in real life or online, it has the power to change your life in a way that might not turn out very well in the end.

 

5 Key Behaviors that Help Build A Healthy Relationship after Infidelity

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Have you or your partner had an affair and are you now wondering if you can have a healthy relationship after infidelity?

Many people say no, that it is not possible to be happy after a partner has strayed but I believe that it is possible to get past an affair and be happy again.

Having a healthy relationship after infidelity is something to strive for but it won ‘ t happen without a lot of hard work and patience.

Here are 5 key behaviors to make sure are part of your relationship so that you, too, can get through this time together, as a couple.

#1 – Resolve.

First and foremost, both members of a relationship need to be resolved to make this relationship work.

Often times, after an affair, the person who strayed is only interested in putting the affair behind them and moving on. The person who was betrayed is often harder to convince. They are left with questions, ones that often go unanswered, self doubt, lack of trust and serious doubts about the future.

If both partners aren ‘ t resolved to work on recovering their relationship, there is no way it can happen.

I have a client whose partner strayed twice. She feels horribly betrayed but is willing to work to get their marriage back on track. Her husband simply wants the affair to disappear and for everything to go back to normal. He says he wants to do the work and is willing to go to a therapist but his heart isn ‘ t really in it. As a result, she is frustrated, even more hurt and questioning the future of her marriage.

So, unless both members are determined to do the work, the chances of having an healthy relationship after infidelity are minimal.

#2 – Communicate.

As I say in EVERY blog I write, communication in any healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Without communication, relationships are doomed to fail.

After an affair, communication becomes even more important. What I have seen in almost all of my clients who have been betrayed is the desire to understand the how and why of the affair.

How did you meet? Where did you meet? Why did you meet? How long have I been lied to? Did you laugh about me while you did this? Will this happen again? How will things be different this time?

In many cases, the person who had the affair isn ‘ t willing, or able, to answer those questions. Often times, affairs just happen – they literally sneak up on the two people and before you know it, a relationship has been betrayed. When this happens, it’s hard to answer the ‘ ˜why. ‘ Also, people who have affairs often feel so guilty and ashamed that they don ‘ t want to talk about it. They know they have let down and betrayed their partner and they are mortified.

No matter what the reason it might be difficult to talk about an affair, to answer the questions that might come up, it is essential that both are done. Honesty and transparency are the keys to how a couple can rebuild a healthy relationship after infidelity.

So, make an effort to address each others questions. If it is difficult to do so, dig deep and try. If you can ‘ t, it is important that you get the help of a therapist or a life coach who can help you draw out the answers.

#3 – Understand.

It is very important for both members of a relationship to understand, and accept, how the other is feeling.

The person who has been betrayed is full of questions, struggling with self doubt, angry, sad, scared, lacking in confidence and generally confused and overwhelmed by what has happened to their lives.

The person who has strayed is often wracked with self loathing, guilt, sadness, fear, confusion and remorse.

Both of these people ‘ s feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and accepted. People who have been betrayed often feel that their partner ‘ s feelings aren ‘ t warranted or relevant and push back against them. Betrayers often get angry with their partner for their intense feelings and want it to all go away.

By acknowledging and accepting each other ‘ s emotions, each of the people will feel heard and seen, key parts of developing the building blocks for a healthy relationship after infidelity.

#4 – Enjoy.

I know that this seems inconceivable right now but it is really important that you both, when you are ready, make an effort to enjoy each other ‘ s company.

There was a time when you were in love, when there were many things that you enjoyed doing together. These things connected you and helped make your love stronger.

I have a client who genuinely enjoys being with his partner but still struggles with accepting the affair. Last time we talked he did say to me, very clearly, that he and his wife were still good friends and that gave him hope that they could work through everything and reconnect.

So, if you feel like you can, with authenticity, strive to do the things together that used to make you feel connected. Picnics, trips to a bookstore, a musical event or a hike – anything else that will make you both remember that once you liked each other and that there is hope that you will again.

#5 – Touch.

I know that the idea of touching your partner after their betrayal is inconceivable but it is an essential part of building a healthy relationship after infidelity.

I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the simple things – hand holding, hugging, brushing up against each other in the kitchen. Touch is the thing that can keep couples together more than anything.

Make up sex is a perfect example of this. After an argument, many couples like to have sex. They do because the physical connection draws them back together. The sex connects them in a way that words can not and helps settle the argument and the hard feelings left afterwards.

Again, I am not saying that you need to have sex with your person right away but I am encouraging you to hug them. They say that a 10 second hug everyday can help a couple keep their relationship healthy and strong.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship after infidelity.

Infidelity rocks our world in a way that almost nothing else can. And believing that you can get past it and be happy again might seem impossible from where you sit now. But you can do it!

If you and your partner are both determined, if you are able to communicate in a healthy way, if you are able to acknowledge and accept the other ‘ s feelings, if you seek out things that you enjoy doing together and if you can explore touching each other again, you have an excellent chance of having that healthy relationship that you seek.

I know it seems hard right now but I promise you, you can do it!

5 Essential Boundaries That Can Help A Marriage Survive Infidelity

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Infidelity can rock even the most stable marriage. Fortunately, there are 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity.

To understand relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds the pieces of your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Establishing boundaries in your marriage when you are working through infidelity is an excellent way to help you get on with the healing and create a healthy, infidelity-proof, marriage.

So, what are the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity?

#1 – There can be no contact. None.

The number one essential boundary, the one without which any efforts to survive the infidelity will be ineffective, is that the cheater have no contact with the person with whom they were having an affair. This means no phone calls, no texting, no in-person contact and no following on social media. None.

Unless the cheater can break the tie that binds the two lovers together, there is no chance that the marriage can survive. The things that initially brought the two together are things that still exist and those things are strong and compelling. If the cheater is allowed to continue that attachment, it will leave no room for the married couple to get closer again.

So, set a boundary that the cheater will no longer be in contact with their lover and, if necessary, set up systems whereby the betrayed partner can be assured that, in fact, the contact is not happening.

If your partner won ‘ t agree to going no contact, I would encourage you to walk away and start living life on your own.

#2 – A promise of openness.

One of the most interesting things that I have discovered in my work with spouses who have been betrayed in their marriage is the fact that they are eager to know all of the details around the affair. How it started, where the lovers met, what was the sex like, why didn ‘ t it end. All of these things, partners are eager to know. And they are details that cheaters are loathe to share.

While I personally believe that having all of this information isn ‘ t necessarily going to help a couple in the healing process, many people can not move forward without the details. Unfortunately, many of the betrayers do not want to share the gory details with their spouses.

Many cheaters are filled with shame and remorse about what they did and the prospect of sharing the details with their spouses only reinforces that shame. Because of this, many cheaters refuse to get into details and, instead, shut down and/or get angry with their spouses. As you can imagine, this behavior does not aid in the healing process.

It is important that, if your spouse wants the details, that you be willing to share them. Doing so will allow your partner to stop running negative tapes in their head, ones that are perhaps false, and allow them to start moving forward. Furthermore, it will go a long way towards restoring trust because the partner will know that the cheater is willing to give them the information that they need.

#3 – No passive aggression.

Many people who have been cheated on are very angry. Deeply angry, betrayed and hurt. And, for many people, conveying that anger and hurt in a productive way is impossible. Instead, their anger comes out as passive aggression and that doesn ‘ t help anybody.

The definition of passive aggressive behavior ‘ ˜is a way to express feelings of anger or annoyance, but in a non-forthcoming way. Instead of communicating openly, people who engage in this type ofbehaviorshare their negative feelings through actions. ‘

What might passive aggression look like? Snide comments about the affair, unkind asides about the integrity of their partner, slamming doors, damaging property, being unkind and unsupportive etc.

Passive aggressive behaviors only serve to prolong the anger and slow the healing. Instead of practicing passive aggressive behaviors, I encourage spouses to speak their anger out loud. Of course, they can yell (which can be good as it releases pent up energy) but the best way to do so is to express your anger in a tempered way so that your partner truly understands how you feel.

#4 – Keep what happened private.

For a client of mine, after she confronted her husband about his cheating, he right away deleted the emails that she had discovered. Why did he do that? Because he was worried that his wife was going to share the emails with all of her friends so that they could analyze them together. He didn ‘ t want the embarrassment and wanted to keep it between them so he deleting the emails.

He was right – his wife would definitely have shared those email with her friends. And it wouldn ‘ t have helped anything.

For many women, the need to discuss what happened with a close friend or confident is compelling. I am not saying that they shouldn ‘ t do that but I do think that it ‘ s important that they do so with only one person and that the affair not be shared with the wider social group. Having people discuss a couple ‘ s private life, to get themselves involved where they shouldn ‘ t and perhaps breed a taking of sides, will only serve to magnify what happened and stop the healing from happening.

Instead of sharing the affair with people outside of the partnership, I would encourage people to consult professionals to process what has happened, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through the infidelity without an agenda, using learned skills to help you heal.

#5 – Agree to seek help.

The last of the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity is the agreement to seek help.

When there is infidelity, a couple trying to save their marriage is in uncharted waters. Because they have never been through this before they have no idea what to do and none of the necessary skills. It is important that they are willing to seek help to process what has happened and gain skills to work through it.

Often times, after infidelity, one partner is willing to get therapy but the other partner wants to work through it alone, or ignore it all together. ‘ Why can ‘ t we just move on? ‘ they say. But, if your partner isn ‘ t willing to agree to seek help then the chances of surviving infidelity, and truly find yourself back to each other as a couple, could be less than none.

So, as soon as you can, before bad habits set in, I would encourage couples to seek help. I believe that couples therapy is essential but that individual therapy is an excellent idea as well. The cheater will need to process what happened and their guilt around it. The partner will need to work through their feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. If they do their individual work, the more successful their work together will be.

Now that you know the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity you can start working together towards saving your marriage.

Couples must commit to working through the aftermath of an affair together. The knowledge and acceptance of certain skills and behaviors is the key to making it happen.

Agree that there will be no contact, that the betrayed partner can ask questions without being met with anger and silence, that there will be no passive aggression but meaningful expression of emotions, that what happened will remain private and that professional help will be sought.

Many, many couples can, and do, survive infidelity but to do so they must work together with the goal in mind of getting through this and establishing a healthier relationship.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be eager to fix your marriage after infidelity.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

How to Let Go of Someone You Love After Infidelity

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Are you wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity, after that certain someone has had an affair?

Do you still love your person but are you unsure if you want to stay or let go of them in light of what they have done?

Are you super confused and overwhelmed and not sure what to do next?

There are some questions that you can ask yourself when you are wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity. Knowing the answers to these questions, the WHY you need to move on, will help you get some clarity on whether truly letting go and moving on is an option for you.

#1 – Can you ever trust them again?

A very large part of being in a healthy relationship is trust. Without trust, a relationship is doomed to fail.

Your person has had an affair. They have violated your trust. Do you think that you can ever learn to trust them again?

Will you be okay when they say they have to work late? Will you always need to check their phone? Will you wonder every time you can ‘ t account for their whereabouts for a few hours? Will you be upset whenever you see them talk to someone of the opposite sex?

The answers to these questions will help you figure out if you need to let go of someone you love after infidelity because if you can ‘ t trust them, ultimately, they will make you supremely unhappy every day because your mind will always be going to dark places, places where you still suspect that your person is doing you wrong again.

So, if you can ‘ t trust your person, letting them go, even if you love them, might be the best thing to do.

#2 – Can you forgive them?

A big part of getting past someone ‘ s affair is to ask yourself if you can forgive them for what they have done.

To forgive an affair involves many pieces. It means accepting that your person is just a person who makes mistakes. It means forgiving yourself for missing the signs and accepting that you are not a fool. It means acknowledging that this is not your fault. It means that your person has taken responsibility for their actions and that they are committed to not doing it again.

There are many pieces to forgiveness and, while it is possible to forgive someone for their infidelity, if you know that you can ‘ t let go of what has happened, if you can ‘ t forgive your partner for their betrayal, then letting them go will be a good idea so that you can both move on.

#3 – Do you want to still be with them?

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you still love your person. My question to you is, do you still like them? Like them enough to want to still be with them?

Many people stay in relationships with people even if they don ‘ t really want to be in relationship with them because they think they must do so. The option of leaving just isn ‘ t an option, for a variety of reasons.

And, if you don ‘ t want to be with someone, if you actively don’t like them, staying with them will just make you miserable. More miserable than leaving.

So, a good way to work towards deciding if you must let go of someone you love after they commit infidelity is to see if you really do want to be with them or you are just holding on to some kind of ‘ ˜should. ‘

#4 – Are you staying with them for the wrong reasons?

This is a very important thing to ask yourself. Why are you choosing to stay with this person? Yes, you love them, but if you feel like you can ‘ t trust them or forgive them then why are you staying?

Are you staying because of your kids, because of finances, because of public perception, because you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in divorce ‘ or you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in giving up? ‘

Are you staying for any reason other than the fact that you believe that you can forgive and trust and move past what has happened?

If the answer is yes, recognize what that thing is and ask yourself if that thing is worse than you being miserable for, perhaps, the rest of your life. Because that ‘ s what staying with them for the wrong reasons will do.

All of those things that are mentioned above are things that can be dealt with. Being miserable for the rest of your life will not be.

#5 – Have you tried everything?

For many people, when they let go of someone they love after infidelity, once they do, they have regrets.

The wonder if they did everything that they could do before they walked away. Did they work to trust and to forgive? Did they perhaps work with a life coach or therapist to process what has happened? Did they try couples counseling to try to work through, together, the issues in the relationship?

If you don ‘ t think that you have tried everything that you need to try before letting go of your someone, consider doing so before walking away.

Regret is a horrible thing and if you are considering letting go of someone you love and you haven ‘ t tried everything, you very well might regret it.

Learning how to let go of someone you love after infidelity is a very important next step in seeking future happiness.

It ‘ s not easy to let go of someone you love, even if they have betrayed you. It is important that you don ‘ t make the decision lightly but that you do so knowing that what you have and haven ‘ t done, what you can and can ‘ t do.

Knowing these things, knowing the WHY you are leaving someone, will make letting them go that much easier.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with whether to let go of someone you love.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

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