5 Reds Flags to Never Ignore if You want A Healthy Relationship

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Do you want, a healthy relationship? Is the idea of building a life with something you are actively seeking? Have you been burned in the past and not sure why? Do you want to do things differently this time around? If so, you should definitely make sure that you don’t ignore those red flags.

Red flags are those little things that you see when you are in a new relationship, things that make you pause and say ‘ ˜hmmm. ‘ Things that make you question whether this person is the right person for you. Things that are scary because you so want this relationship to work.

Unfortunately, because we do want this relationship to work, we often ignore red flags. We ignore the warning signs that present themselves to us that signal this might not the right person for us. We hope that perhaps the red flags aren ‘ t a big deal, that this person could change, and that we can live with them because other things are good.

If you want a healthy relationship, ignoring red flags is the best way to ensure that you won ‘ t get it. Ignoring red flags will keep you in an unhealthy relationship and keep you from finding the love that you want.

Here are 5 red flags that you should never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#1 – They don ‘ t get along with their family.

If you want a healthy relationship, a huge red flag is someone who doesn ‘ t get along with their family.

Of course, many of us struggle with our family. Just because they are family, it doesn ‘ t mean everyone can get along and that is fine. But if your person has been estranged from their family, if they have a toxic relationship with their parents, if their kids don ‘ t talk to them, then your person might not be capable of having a healthy relationship.

I know that many of us think that if we just love someone enough, we can help them heal from the pain caused by their family so that they can be happy. And yes, it is possible to help someone feel loved, but they are most likely deeply damaged and might have a hard time emotionally connecting.

#2 – They cheat.

I have a client whose new boyfriend has been a habitual cheater. He cheated on everyone he had ever dated and had sex with multiple lovers in the bed he shared with his wife. My client met him soon after he got divorced and fell madly in love with him.

She believed that he had changed. That he loved her so much that he would never cheat again. And then, he did. Over and over and over.

If your person is a habitual cheater, they most likely will continue to be. Even if they love you madly and you have lots of sex, a person who cheats does so for a variety of reasons, reasons that aren ‘ t going to just disappear without some help.

If your person has cheated on their ex, be careful. If they have been a habitual cheater, run away as fast as you can.

#3 – They can ‘ t hold a job.

When I met my ex, I remember stalking him on Linked In. There I learned that he had been in 4 different jobs in 5 years. I remember thinking that that looked like an issue, but I chose to ignore it. I was a life coach. If he was struggling with job security then I would be able to help him, after all.

Of course, the job security became a big issue. That he had lost so many jobs made him incredibly insecure. He was in a ton of debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle that he wanted to give his family. He had no confidence that he could do this job, or any job.

I tried to work with him to address the systemic issues that I could see around his work but to no avail. And I started to worry that becoming attached to this man might challenge me financially.

So, if your person has a problem with holding a job, tread carefully. Of course, times are tough now with Covid and the economy, but if this has been happening for a while, it is definitely a red flag!

#4 – They drink too much.

Of course, many of us drink, especially when we are early into a relationship. There is nothing more fun than sharing a few adult beverages as we have those long talks about our hopes and dreams. That being said, if your person regularly has more than a few drinks in the course of an evening, this is definitely a red flag.

People with drinking problems are people to stay away from if they want to be in a healthy relationship. People who drink too much can be physically unhealthy, financially unsound, and struggle with relationships and job security. They can be impulsive and prone to bursts of extreme emotion. They can be abusive when angered and inconsistent with their behaviour.

Furthermore, people who drink struggle with emotional connection, the key to a healthy relationship.

My ex was an alcoholic and while he was good at being physically affectionate feeling an emotional connection with him was difficult. He had started drinking when he was 15 as a way to cope with his relationship with his mother (Red Flag #1) He never had a chance to develop emotionally and therefore was unavailable for real connection. He went from woman to woman, cheating on each of them (Red Flag #2).

I tried and tried to have a healthy relationship with him, but I couldn ‘ t do it alone. He wouldn ‘ t stop drinking and I was unhappy. I had ignored that red flag at the beginning of our relationship and wished I hadn ‘ t.

#5 – They are inconsistent with their attention.

Do you have a person who comes and goes? Someone who texts for hours at a time, and then who disappears for days?

Does she proclaim her love and then hang out with other men?

Does he tell you that he needs ‘ ˜time ‘ and walk away, only to return days or weeks or months later, professing his love? And then he leaves again.

People who care about people are consistent with their attention. Why? Because they want to be. They want to show their person they care about them; they want to spend time with them, they want them to feel safe and to know that they will never abandon them. They want to make sure their person knows they love them.

So, if your person is coming and going, whether it’s electronically or in person, that is a huge red flag that you should not ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Don ‘ t think that if you just love them enough, if you just stick around long enough, they will suddenly realize they are madly in love with you and stay put. They won ‘ t.

Ignoring red flags is the best way to sabotage things if you want a healthy relationship.

I know that you really want things to work out because you are kissing a lot of frogs and you just want one to stick. But don ‘ t!

If you waste even one more minute on someone with bright red flags, you are wasting time that you could be spending finding someone who doesn ‘ t have red flags, someone who could make you happy and give you the healthy relationship that you want!

So walk away; youcan do it!

5 Reasons You Might be Holding on to a Toxic Relationship

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Holding on to a toxic relationship instead of letting go is, more often than not, the norm.

The strength that it takes to walk away from any relationship, much less a toxic one, is huge and the fear of the pain that we might feel even worse.

If you want to find the strength to stop holding on to a toxic relationship, it ‘ s important to understand why we are holding on – what is motivating us to not let go and walk away from something that is only making us miserable.

To help you understand, here are 5 reasons you might be holding on to a toxic relationship and ways to push back on the reasons so you can move on.

#1 – Fear of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand, we will NEVER find another person to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold on to the one we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience; there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away, but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are staying in your toxic relationship because you believe that if you leave you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a person out there for you, a person who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#2 – Low self-esteem.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of good love, and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be the lowering of self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittled for any perceived shortcomings and know, deep down, that we aren ‘ t being treated well.

And if we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don ‘ t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#3 – Patterns and habits.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enough how big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our lives. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Those are the patterns that keep us with our toxic loves. We don ‘ t want to let go of them, can ‘ t conceive of life without them, and that keeps us trapped.

Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together gets routine. With my toxic relationship, I would break up with him and then, like clockwork, 8 weeks later he would reach out to me, and before I knew it I was back where I started. I can ‘ t tell you how many times that happened.

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8-week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays. I did.

#4 – Self-blame.

One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years, he has promised to and hasn ‘ t. She is beside herself, and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she truly questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that, everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person is making your life difficult, and while you might play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#5 – You are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your person is like none other? That the intense passion and connection that you share can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble, but while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of your toxic love, then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic.

I did.

Holding on to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain that we will feel if we let go.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life miserable more often than they make you happy?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that for me finally getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something that you can start doing right now!

How to Make Peace with Letting Go of Someone Who Left You

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Are you trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left you?

Have you been working through the end of the relationship but are having a hard time accepting that it is over and moving on?

You are not alone.

The end a relationship is like a death, and learning to accept it can be beyond difficult. All of the hopes and dreams we had for the future have been dashed – how do we recover from that?

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help you make peace with letting go of someone who left you and move on to a life full of happiness and love.

#1 – Mourn.

For many of us, when we are struggling with pain, we tell ourselves to suck it up. Appearing to be sad about the end of the relationship makes us look weak, and we don ‘ t want that.

Our friends tell us to move on – that our person wasn ‘ t worthy of us and that we will find someone who will love us someday. So, just move on. You are better off.

I am here to tell you that this attitude, while understandable, isn ‘ t going to help you make peace with letting go of someone who left you. It is important that to process what has happened, you feel the pain.

What do I mean? I mean, whatever it is that you need to do to let the pain that you are feeling out of your body. Cry, scream, yell, throw something (not at someone, though) – whatever you need to do to feel your feelings and release them. Holding in your emotions will only magnify them.

It ‘ s okay for you to take some time to get past this. To sit on the couch and eat ice cream, to drink a little too much with your friends, to hang out with your family, who loves you best. These things are important. Your heart has had a shock and it will need time to recuperate.

So, take some time, no matter what people say, to let out your emotions and work through and recover from the pain. Doing so will help you move on.

#2 – Make a list.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a breakup and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were, in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas, they drank way too much, and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest, and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break-up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Let go of the victim mentality.

Ok, so, your person has left you and you are alone, devastated, and that is a truly horrible thing. And perhaps you are convinced that your person is a horrible person to just walk out on you even though nothing was wrong. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you are the victim in all of this.

Now, I am not saying that you haven ‘ t been blindsided and hurt deeply – this is how it is at the end of a relationship, especially if you have been left. But I would argue that perhaps some of what you are telling yourself isn’t, in fact, based on truth and that if you continue to play the victim in your breakup, if you continue to take no responsibility for its demise, then trying to make peace with letting go of someone who left you will be impossible.

Are you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself? Are you telling yourself that you did nothing wrong and that it was all on your ex and that they treated you horribly and that you don ‘ t deserve this after all you have done for them and that they were wrong and you were right etc. etc. etc.?

While some of what you are thinking might be true, I would encourage you to examine your role in the demise of the relationship. Even if they cheated on you, you played some role in making space for your partner to want to fool around. I am NOT saying that this is your fault, but I am saying that holding on to being a victim here isn ‘ t going to let you get past this.

For years, after my ex-husband left me for another woman, I played the victim – the person who was abandoned by the man who swore in front of our friends and family to love me forever. Not being able to break out of the victim mode held me back from healing. Once I was finally able to see that, while I was still hurt, I wasn ‘ t blameless in what happened, and by doing so, I was finally able to start making peace with the end of my marriage.

#4 – Don ‘ t sabotage yourself.

Ok, be honest. When was the last time you stalked your ex? Was it one minute, one hour, one day or one month ago? How did it feel when you stalked them? Great? I am guessing not.

We do many things to sabotage ourselves when we are trying to make peace by letting go of someone who left. We stalk them online, wondering what they are doing and who they are doing it with. We seek closure, sometimes more than once. We move on too quickly, only to run back to our ex, begging for another chance. We let our ex come and go, taking advantage of our emotional fragility.

If you want to make peace with letting go of your ex, it is essential that you don ‘ t sabotage yourself. That you do the things that you need to do to keep yourself strong in the face of all the pain.

Make sure you take care of yourself. You sleep and eat and exercise. Spend time with people who love you and who will remind you how amazing you are. Do things that make you feel good, like a massage or a pedicure. Buy yourself something pretty. Build yourself an altar to your hopes and dreams.

Don ‘ t spend even a moment more sabotaging yourself, making yourself weaker in the face of what happened. Stand up for yourself and prepare to move on.

#5 – Take stock of what you want.

For many of us, when we are broken up, we are sure that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that this person is the only person who could ever make us happy.

I would like to argue that the person who just left you is not the only person who can make you happy but is, instead, simply the one who is in front of you right now. The one who you gave time and effort, and your heart to. But not, I promise, the only person for you.

Now is the time to take stock of what you want in a person. What kind of person would make your heart sing, who would make you feel safe and secure, who would be the kind of person who would stand by you no matter what?

After this, take stock of the kind of person your ex was. Were they the kind of person who would be able to be who you would want? Who could give you what you want in life and love?

Be honest with yourself. Don ‘ t say, ‘ ˜they could be if only ‘ ¦. ‘ If your person isn ‘ t who you would want them to be right now, let them go. People might change, but only if they want to. Don ‘ t love someone for who they could be.

Your person is out there, and they aren ‘ t the person who just let you go.

Knowing how to make peace with letting go of someone who left you is an important part of moving forward.

If you hold onto anger and resentment, getting past your person and finding a healthy and happy relationship will be impossible.

So, make sure you mourn the end of your relationship, make a list of things that you know weren ‘ t good in the relationship, let go of your victim mentality, don ‘ t sabotage yourself and look ahead to the future instead of looking back.

I know that it feels impossible now but if you can make peace with letting go of someone who left you, you will be able to move forward and get the life, and love, that you have always dreamed of.

I promise.

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

Why am I Feeling Sad All the Time When My Life is Good

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Have you been asking yourself Why am I feeling sad all the time when my life is good?

Do you feel like you have everything that you want in your life but still you feel like you are carrying a hundred pound weight on your back, that you have no interest in anything and that all you want to do is sleep?

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that I used to feel that way all the time. I lived with this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread. I tried to be agood parent but keeping my energy up was close to impossible. I tried to begreat wife but my irritability prevented that from happening. I had a great job but myperformance suffered.

This went on for years. YEARS. I thought that I was managing it, and I was. Until I wasn ‘ t.

One day, when I was 42 years old, I found myself in a closet banging my head against the wall. I had no idea what was going on.

A friend of mine scooped me up off the floor and took me to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with chemical depression. He sent me off with some medication and instructions to follow up with a therapist.

That day changed my life.

I learned that chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease. The way I was feeling was not because of some personal weakness but because my brain chemistry was letting me down. And that, treated, I was going to start enjoying my great life!

If you arefeeling sad all the time then you too could bechemically depressed. This means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes depressive symptoms without something actually being wrong.

So, what do you do if you are feeling sad all the time even if your life is good? I have some suggestions.

#1 – Ask yourself a few questions.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are chemical depressed is to ask yourself some questions. They are:

  • Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
  • Are you more irritable than usual?
  • Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
  • Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
  • Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
  • Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
  • Are you more anxious than you used to be?
  • Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
  • Do you have a hard time focusing?
  • Do you think about committing suicide?
  • Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches.

If you answered yes to any, or all, of these questions you are most likely suffering from chemical depression.

Now, ask yourself if this has happened to you before? How regularly? Does anyone else in your family struggle with depression? Were there any traumatic experiences in your life that might have affected you deeply?

If you answer YES to any of those questions you might be suffering from chemical depression.

If so, what to do next?

#2 – Don ‘ t be embarrassed.

Many people who are diagnosed with chemical depression are embarrassed. Embarrassed that they can ‘ t just ‘ suck it up. ‘ That they might have some kind of personal deficiency that makes them weak in the face of this perceived disease.

Let me tell you – You are not weak. You are not lacking something that others have that make it so that you can ‘ t ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ You are actually incredibly brave for facing this issue head on.

Again, chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease.

Chemical depression is perceived by many in society to be a personal weakness. I mean how can you feel sad all the time when your life is good? Luckily more and more people are speaking up about living with mental illness. More and more people, including many famous people, are being honest about living well with their condition and helping to eliminate the stigma about mental illness.

So, join the celebrities. Don ‘ t be embarrassed. Chemical depression is not something that you could have prevented. But it is something that you can deal with.

#3 – See your primary care doctor immediately.

If you are feeling sad even though your life is good it is important that you reach out to your primary care doctor as soon as possible to tell her about your symptoms. Seeking medical help is key to dealing with depression.

Many primary care physicians are knowledgeable about the treatment of depression and can help you with treatment right away. Some primary care doctors might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you diagnose and manage your depression.

DON ‘ T think that your doctor is going to judge you for your depression. Doctors are trained to take care of people without judgement. If you had a thyroid issue, would you be embarrassed to see your doctor? No.

Don ‘ t let fear that you are going to be judged prevent you from reaching out for help because help is what you need right now to feel better!

#4 – Stick to your treatment.

This is a key part of dealing with chemical depression.

I have a client who saw her doctor because she was feeling sad and the doctor gave her a scrip for an anti-depressant. She took it and, over the course of a month, she started feeling better. After 6 months she was feeling great so she went off it. 3 months later she found herself sad again and wondering why.

I have another client who was prescribed an anti-depressant and it made her tired. Instead of going back to the doctor to see about another option, that client just stopped taking her meds. Without treatment, her depression got worse and her life got more difficult. Eventually, she did go back to the doctor and they got her on something that has made her life a much happier place.

So, stick to your treatment. Continue to take your meds. Just like you would if your doctor had prescribed meds to help you with a thyroid issue. Or diabetes. And if you don ‘ t like the side effects, go back and get something different. There are many treatment options out there for you.

#5 – Surround yourself with people who love you.

Many people who suffer from chemical depression tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Making the effort to spend time with people and to pretend to enjoy themselves is just too much. So, they don ‘ t.

Unfortunately, isolating is one of the worst things that you can do when you are feeling depressed. Staying home, eating ice cream, sleeping and feeling hopeless are not going to help you get past this dark place, as much as doing those things feel great right now.

So, make an effort to get yourself out there and spend time with people who love you. Spending time with people who make you laugh, who keep you out of your head and make you feel good about yourself is very important to managing your clinical depression.

Asking myself why I was feeling sad all the time even though my life was good changed my life.

Once I learned the signs of chemical depression it helped me to understand that it is possible to be depressed even when things are good.

So, ask yourself the questions that I list above. If you find that you answer yes to a lot of the questions, reach out and get some help. Don ‘ t be embarrassed – many people struggle with this and getting help is the brave thing to do.

Also make sure to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you no matter how hard it seems..

You, like millions of other people, can have a full and happy life living withchemical depression. All you need to do is to pick up the phone and call your doctor.

Do it TODAY!

How to Stop Feeling Insecure After Your Spouse Cheated

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Are you feeling insecure after your spouse cheated?

Did the person you swore who love you forever betray you by having an affair?

Has your self-esteem been decimated and do you find yourself circling the drain in more ways than one?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone. Many people suffer from feeling insecure after their partner cheats.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take that will help you manage that insecurity and move forward with your head held high.

#1 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Are you blaming yourself for your partner cheating? Are you feeling like if you were just nicer, or prettier, or more successful, they wouldn ‘ t have cheated? Do you believe that your perceived deficiencies are why your partner was unfaithful?

I can promise you, here and now – you are not at fault for your partner cheating. There are two people in every relationship and, yes, there are often issues that arise between them but that doesn ‘ t mean that people are given a license to cheat.

In a healthy relationship, issues are addressed and put to bed before they become bigger than life.

That being said, you are in the same troubled relationship with your spouse and you didn ‘ t cheat. You were strong enough to keep your vows even as your relationship foundered.

If anything, you are the one who should hold their head high because you acted with integrity instead of cowardice. They did not.

#2 – Face it head on.

Many people who have been cheated on struggle to face what happened head on.

Sometimes they don ‘ t confront their partners, worried that if they do they will get a confirmation that they really don ‘ t want to hear. Sometimes, once they do receive said confirmation, they don ‘ t address it any further, hoping that if they just ignore it it will go away. Sometimes, they don ‘ t tell their friends or family because they are so embarrassed and they hold what happened and their emotions inside.

It is important that, if you are feeling insecure after your spouse cheated, you face it head on. That you talk directly to your partner about what happened, why and how. To ask the questions that you need to ask and process the answers in way that will help you deal with it.

It is also important that you share what has happened with someone you trust. I am not telling you to broadcast what happened to the neighborhood but confiding in a friend or family member will give you a sounding board on which to process.

If you can ‘ t face this directly you will keep all your anger and hurt and fear inside. Any chance of fixing things with your spouse will be impossible because the issue isn ‘ t being addressed. The knowledge that your spouse cheated and that you did nothing to address it will eat you up inside, making you feel more insecure every day.

A strong person who faces adversity head on is not an insecure person. Quite the opposite, indeed.

#3 – Soul search.

In the same way that I suggest that you face what happened head on with your partner, so I encourage you to dig deep and do some soul searching about how you got to this place. How your marriage got to a place where your partner cheated.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetridish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my current relationship I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take some time and do some soul searching. Are you happy with who you are in your relationship? Would doing some work on yourself help you be a better partner (in this relationship or in the next)? Is the life that you are living honestly what you want it to be? Knowing more about yourself will help you stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we learn that a partner cheated, we sink into a very dark place.

Because we have been betrayed by the person who was closest to us, our ability to function in the world can be compromised. And when that happens, the healthy behaviors that we might have practiced in the past can be sabotaged.

Tell me the truth – has your time since you discovered that your partner cheated been filled with exercise and salads or ice cream and binge watching TV? If you answered the second, you are not alone. I have personally spent a lot of time on the couch mourning a betrayal.

It is important that, to stop feeling insecure after your partner cheated, you take care of yourself. That you get exercise, eat well and sleep. That you spend time with people who love you. That you do things in the world that give you joy. That you dig into your job so that you can hold your head up at work well done.

Eating ice cream, sleepless nights and stalking your partner ‘ s lover on Instagram will only cause you pain. Which will lead to more ice cream, weight gain and a plummeting self-esteem.

So, get yourself out there. Take walks with your friends, eat food that makes your body feel strong and spend time with people who know how awesome you are.

The best revenge is being happy and healthy in spite of what your loser partner did.

#5 – Don ‘ t settle.

Are you considering staying with your person after they cheated? Are you worried about the kids or your community or your finances or what your parents might think? Are you staying with your spouse for any reason other than the fact that you love them and truly want things to work out?

If the answer to my question is the first and not the second then I would encourage you to think hard before you make this decision. This is the rest of your life that you are talking about. And life is short and being happy is important.

Imagine waking up every day, for the rest of your life, next to the person you haven ‘ t forgiven and no longer love. Imagine Christmas mornings and weddings and anniversaries spent next to someone you don ‘ t respect. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and making small talk.

Now imagine waking up every day for the rest of your life with someone you love and respect. Imagine Christmases and weddings and anniversaries with someone you can trust. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and feeling a rush of love.

How amazing would that be?

Being in a relationship with someone we love and trust, and who loves and trusts us back, is an excellent way to boost our self-esteem. Seeing how wonderful we are in the eyes of another lifts us up in a way nothing else can.

So, think carefully before you decide next steps. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. Don ‘ t settle!

Working to stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated can be very difficult. You have been betrayed and there is nothing worse in a relationship.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to rebuild your self-esteem after your spouse cheats. First and foremost, don ‘ t blame yourself. You didn ‘ t cheat. Face the infidelity head on instead of burying it deep. Take good care of yourself. Do some soul searching about what you want in life and in relationships and don ‘ t settle. Never settle.

This is a horribly difficult time for you but you can get through it intact and move forward to live the life you want. I promise.

How to Make Your Girlfriend Feel Safe, Secure and Loved

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Good for you for taking time to learn how to make your girlfriend feel safe, secure and loved in your relationship.

Relationships are wonderful but fraught with opportunities for things to go wrong. Men and women come at life from such different places and sometimes its hard for men to recognize what his girlfriend needs to feel safe.

And safe is something that women always say they are looking for in a man and they mean it.

And, of course, you want to give her that. What man wouldn ‘ t?

But how the hell do you do that? What will make your girlfriend feel safe, secure and loved in your relationship? Let me tell you…

#1 – Listen to her.

The most important thing to make your girlfriend feel safe is for her to know that you are listening to her.

That when she talks you are paying attention and understanding what she is saying and feeling.

While you might be inclined to think that you need to ‘ ˜fix ‘ her to make her feel safe, in reality really all she wants you to do is to listen and let her know that you are there for her.

So, next time your girl opens up to you, sit down and pay attention. Hold her hand, empathize with her feelings and confirm for her that you hear her, that you are there and that you always will be.

#2 – Follow through.

Are you one of those people who doesn ‘ t always do what you say you are going to do? Your intentions are good but things get in the way of you being able to follow through.

Do you tell your girl that you will be home at 6 even if you aren ‘ t going to be home until 8 because you don ‘ t want to make her mad? Or that you will go pick out the windows for the house renovation, even though chances are good that you will have to work? Or do you fully intend to stop at the grocery store on the way home but you just forget?

People don ‘ t follow through for a variety reasons. Very few of them are because we don ‘ t love someone. We do it to prevent our person from feeling hurt or let down or we are human and forget. But we don ‘ t do it because we don ‘ t love our person enough.

Unfortunately, people tend to personalize that someone doesn ‘ t do something for them. ‘ ˜If you loved me you would have done this ‘ is the phrase people hear when they haven ‘ t followed through

So, if you aren ‘ t good at following through, regardless of the reason, you definitely won ‘ t make your girlfriend feel safe. Instead you will make them feel unimportant and unloved.

Make sure you do what you say you are going to do. Allow your woman to feel confident that she can rely on you to always be there for her. And make her feel safe.

#3 – Use your words.

Have you ever thought to yourself ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her how I feel about her. She knows. ‘

Do you take out the garbage faithfully, assuming that by doing so your girlfriend will know you love her?

If the answer to either question is YES then you are wrong!

Telling your woman how you feel about her is a key component in making her feel safe. She might have a sense of how you feel but to actually hear the words come out of your mouth let ‘ s her know that you have her back. That you care about her enough to tell her and that she knows that she can count on you to be there for her.

#4 – Be a man.

I know. I know. In this day and age men and women are equal. And my 23 year old daughter will kill me for saying this but the truth of the matter is that men can make women feel safe by just acting like themselves.

Men are genetically programmed to be protectors. The survival of the species depended on men protecting their women and children from predators. That instinct is not gone in this 21stcentury world.

I am not saying that you need to brandish your club and knock down anyone who messes with your girl but make sure that she knows that you are there for her, to reach the things that she can ‘ t reach, to carry that load that is just too much for her, to hold the door open when her hands are full and to get rid of that dead mouse carcass the cat dragged in.

Tap into your inner caveman, without letting him take you over completely, and allow your girl to feel safe.

#5 – Be honest.

The number one most important thing to do to make your girlfriend feel safe is to be honest.

I said above that it is important that you always do what you say you are going to do but it is more than that.

For a woman to feel safe she needs to feel trust. And if you can ‘ t be honest with her she can never trust you.

So, if you can ‘ t get home for dinner, tell her. If you need to see your mother instead of going out with her friends, don ‘ t make an excuse. Tell her the truth. If you ran up the credit card debt or forgot to give the kids a bath or need some time on your own, be direct and up front. Tell her the truth, right away.

Let her know that she can rely on you to be honest and if you do she will feel safe.

Making sure that your girlfriend feels safe, secure and loved in a relationship is the best way to ensure that it will be healthy and happy one.

Listen to her, do what you say you are going to do, tell her how you feel about her, protect her and be honest.

I promise you. You make your girlfriend feel safe and she is yours forever.

How To Ease Back into Dating After An Abusive Relationship

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Have you become newly single after escaping from a toxic situation and are you wondering how to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship so that you can truly find happiness?

I know that it ‘ s scary, the idea of dating, and good for you for thinking ahead about how to do it in a healthy way.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take to make sure that, when you are ready to start dating again, you will be prepared so that you can set yourself up for success.

#1- Get to know yourself again.

For many people who have been in abusive relationships we lose who we are. Months or years of being told that we are less than, that everything that is our fault, that we are worthless and not worth respect and that we are unattractive and stupid, takes its toll on one ‘ s self esteem.

And people who have low self-esteem will attract other people with low self-esteem which might just start the whole vicious cycle all over again.

When you have gotten out of an abusive relationship, take some time to get to know yourself again. Spend time with people who love you so that you can re-learn how loveable you are. Do something that you have always wanted to do but didn ‘ t believe you could, so you can learn how strong you really are. Learn something new, so that you can get reconnect with your intelligence.

Building up your self-confidence is a key part of being successful in the dating world. If you can go into it not thinking of yourself as a victim or as less than but as someone who had the strength to get out of an abusive relationship, someone who values themselves and is surrounded by people who love them, you will attract like-minded people, the kind of people you would want to be in a relationship with.

I know the idea might be daunting but getting to know yourself again is an important part of easing back into dating after an abusive relationship.

#2- Take stock of what happened in your relationship.

Abusive relationships are devastating. You find yourself in a place where you are constantly miserable, questioning yourself and everything around you, being subjected to verbal, and maybe, physical abuse, treading water just trying to prevent yourself from drowning. Ugh.

Once you escape from an abusive relationship it ‘ s important to take stock of how the relationship turned abusive. Was it that way from the beginning or did something happen that caused the abuse to start? Was the abuse constant or only during a certain set of circumstances? Did other people know about the abuse or did you hide it? Were you aware that you were being abused?

It ‘ s also important to take stock of your role in the relationship. Was your overwhelm such that you found yourself provoking your person at times? Did you roll over and take the abuse, even in front of your children? Could you have left the situation earlier than you did?

Being aware of everything that happened in your relationship, and recognizing things that you did that you can take responsibility for, will allow you to ease back into dating because you will have clarity about what happened and be determined not to let it happen again.

#3 – Believe.

Many people who are ready to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship go in skeptical. Their view of love has been tainted by the past and the prospect of meeting someone new, someone who could love broken them, seems impossible. This is especially true of people who are considering on-line dating, a truly frustrating and seemingly unnatural way to date.

Let me tell you, from years of personal and professional experience, that it is not only possible, but probable, that you will meet someone else out there in the world. That you will meet someone who can treat you right and who will make you happy. It might take some time and you might need to kiss a few frogs but your person is out there.

And while internet dating may seem unpalatable, there are plenty of people who have met their person online and who are living happily ever after.

So, before you put yourself out there to start dating, ask yourself if you believe that this could work. If you don ‘ t believe, it won ‘ t. Putting out negative energy is going to doom your dating prospects from the start.

Believe that you will find someone and the positive energy will draw that person too you!

#4 – Choose differently.

Many, many people who don ‘ t take stock with what happened in past relationships move on to relationships that are very similar to toxic ones they had in the past. For whatever reason, they find themselves attracted to the same sort of person, sometimes over and over, and the relationships end up the same every time.

Now that you have awareness of what happened in your abusive relationship, it might be easier for you to recognize the things that you need to do differently when it ‘ s time to date. You might now recognize the kind of person you want to date, the kind of behaviors you want you both to exhibit, the kind of feelings you want this person to make you feel.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone she didn ‘ t trust – he had fooled around on her repeatedly and lied to her about it. She was determined to find someone she could trust the next time around and she did. And, while that relationship didn ‘ t work out, she knew going out of it that there were guys out there she could trust. The guy she met this week is not only incredibly trustworthy but he has many of the traits that her old boyfriend lacked. I see a potentially marvelous future for them both!

#5 – Go slowly.

If there is one piece of advice that I give all of my clients it ‘ s to enter into any new relationship slowly.

So many of us meet someone, fall madly in love and then fall quickly into bed, without even getting to know the new person. When that new person finally starts to show themselves, we are often too far in to get out of the relationship easily.

If you meet someone you like, take your time. Get to know their likes and dislikes, their past relationships, their relationships with their parents, their hopes and dreams for the future. And DON ‘ T fall into bed with them. Sex changes everything, particularly for women who seem to get more attached to someone after they have had sex, even if they weren ‘ t particularly attached before.

My boyfriend, the love of my life, was a friend for 6 months before we started dating. Because there was no prospect of dating, we were open and honest with each other and told each other things about ourselves that made us quite vulnerable. By the time we started dating, we knew and trusted each other. Our lovemaking was intimate and our love grew quickly from there and was healthy.

So, as you ease back into dating after an abusive relationship, take it slow. Don ‘ t do it like you did last time. (You took it too fast, didn ‘ t you?) Get to know this person before you give them your heart, and your body. You will set yourself up for success if you do.

Dating is hard in the best of times and knowing how to ease back into dating after an abusive relationship is important.

You have just been through a lot and to embark on the search for another someone is scary. And you are brave.

So, before you do, get to know yourself again, fall in love with yourself again. Take stock of what happened in your relationship and familiarize yourself with the role you played in it. Choose carefully and mindfully who you date, believe that your person is out there and take it slow.

People can and do find good love after an abusive relationship. You can too!

5 Ways Healthy Relationships Start on the First Date

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I know that you probably don ‘ t want to hear this because you are already feeling like you are under a lot of pressure but healthy relationships start on the first date.

I know that this might seem contrary to what you might have heard – that first dates aren ‘ t a big deal, to just roll with it. And this is, to some extent, true – first dates ARE meant to be fun.

That being said, a lot can be revealed on a first date, things that are markers for whether your relationship, if one happens, will be healthy one.

What kind of things, you ask?

Here are 5 ways healthy relationships start on the first date.

#1 – Honesty.

The number one most important part of any healthy relationship is honesty. Knowing that you can tell you partner anything, and they the same with you, because honesty is how you work things out in relationships. Even if it leads to an argument, honesty is still important because it gets things out on the table, good or bad, to be addressed.

If you go into a date thinking that there are some things that you aren ‘ t going to be honest about because they are things that might embarrass you or that you feel ashamed of, you are going to doom your relationship from the start.

I have a client whose boyfriend told her, on the first date, that he worked for himself, doing consultant work. She entered into the relationship with someone she thought was her financial equal. As the relationship grew and they spent more time together, she realized that he did in fact do a little consultant work but, really, he wasn ‘ t working more than a few hours a week.

Because she was already attached to this man, finding out about this was devastating. She loved him but she just couldn ‘ t be in a relationship with a man who she had to buy dinner for every time. Furthermore, he didn ‘ t even have the ambition to start working more which she found incredibly unattractive. She has said to me many times – ‘ ˜If I had known this from the start I never would have gotten involved with him. ‘

So, be honest on your first date. If you aren ‘ t it might doom your relationship before it even starts.

#2 – Transparency.

For many reasons, we sometimes don ‘ t bring our true selves in to a first date.

Whether it is because we are shy or cocky or insecure or we are trying to hide something, we go into a first date being something that we are not.

How many times have you had a first date with someone who seemed so laid back that you found her compelling, only to learn down the line that she was as wound up as they come and exhausting to be with. Or how about that time when you meet someone who says they aren ‘ t intimidated by your success but then turn out to be exactly that.

How can you start a relationship with someone who isn ‘ t who they present themselves to be? You can ‘ t! And this is one way that healthy relationships start on the first date – if you can ‘ t be yourself, the person you are sitting across from will fall for someone who isn ‘ t real.

How long do you think that will last?

#3 – Chemistry.

You know when you meet someone online and you are really excited to meet them and then, when you finally do, there is no chemistry. And then everyone tells you to go on another date, just to see if things are better the second time. And sometimes they are. But more often than not, they aren ‘ t.

Attraction is a very important part of a first date. We don ‘ t know exactly why chemistry exists between people but it does and it ‘ s an essential part of keeping a relationship healthy. And if you find it doesn ‘ t exist on the first date, you might find that your healthy relationship might not ever get beyond the starting gate.

I remember when I met my boyfriend. A friend had shared his picture with me but I wasn ‘ t interested because he had a mustache. When I did meet this guy, the chemistry between us was huge – in spite of the mustache.

We were only friends for a while before we dated but the chemistry was there for us from the start.

So, if the chemistry isn ‘ t there for you at all on the first date, consider a second date but don ‘ t take it any further than that if that attraction doesn ‘ t ignite.

#4 – Connection.

Yes, chemistry is an amazing thing and it feels good, but it ‘ s not the only thing that is important to have on a first date. It is also important to have a connection.

I remember a date I had with a guy. We met for ice cream at Riverside Park in NYC. I was immediately attracted to him and he to me. We spent a few hours together, talking and walking. At the end of the walk he pointed out to me that we had agreed on absolutely nothing that we had talked about. I felt more like we were sparring over issues in a good-natured way but the truth was that we didn ‘ t agree on anything.

After he said that he asked me if I would have sex with him anyway. I politely declined. I knew that just having chemistry wasn ‘ t going to get us any more than a one-night stand, something I wasn ‘ t interested in.

So, pay attention on your first date. Even if the attraction is there do your personalities, interests and beliefs match? Could you see yourself bringing this person home to your family? To meet your friends?

Connection is a huge reason why healthy relationships start on the first date – without it, you will struggle to be happy right from the beginning.

#5 – Red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. Somethings that are almost always there and somethings that we usually ignore, in spite of our instincts.

You know what I mean – the things that you see in someone pretty darn quickly, things that give you pause and you wonder what that says about this person. But usually you just gloss over that moment, thinking that it ‘ s not a big deal and that even if it is you can probably change them anyway.

On another first date, with a guy who I connected with in a big way and with whom the chemistry was huge, he told me a few things right away that I should have paid attention to. He had taken his wife to court to not have to pay child support and he was estranged from his brother. Both of those things made me pause but I chose to ignore them because things were going so well.

In the end, however, it was his personality traits that led to those two things broke us up. I learned that he was very difficult around money, sometimes manically, and that his relationship with his brother had broken down over his mismanagement of a business they shared. I had a hard time trusting him because I felt like he didn ‘ t step up to the plate and take care of his family. And I had to leave him, which was heartbreaking.

So, if you see any red flags on your first date, make note of them. Don ‘ t ignore them. You can proceed with a second date, should you choose, but keep those flags front and center in your mind as you move forward.

It ‘ s funny to think that healthy relationships start on the first date.

We usually consider first dates to just be an easy fun thing, and they should be, but they are also great indicators of what a healthy relationship might look like going forward.

On your next first date, make sure that you are being honest and being yourself. Make sure that you feel like there is an honest attraction and connection and don ‘ t ignore any red flags that might pop up along the way!

First dates are fun but wouldn ‘ t it be nice to have your next first date be your last? It might be if you bring your authentic self to the table and are, in turn, met in kind.

You can do it!

5 Things to Do NOW if Your Boyfriend is Two Timing You

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Are you in the midst of serious crisis because you just discovered that your boyfriend is two timing you? Has your person done the unthinkable and cheated on you with someone else?

There is truly nothing worse than discovering the person who you loved and trusted has chosen to be intimate with someone else. The betrayal and hurt that you are feeling right now is probably significant.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to manage that pain and process how to move forward, whether you want to forgive and move forward or walk away.

Here are 5 things to do, right now, if your boyfriend is two timing you.

#1 – Call him out on it.

First and foremost, you need to tell your boyfriend that you are aware of the cheating. No matter how you found out, let him know that you know, what you know and demand to hear from him what has happened.

He will most likely deny the charges at first. He won ‘ t want to hurt you and most likely feels guilty about what he has done so his sense of self preservation will kick in. If you know for a fact that he did it, don ‘ t let him convince you otherwise. We don ‘ t want to believe that our partner is cheating but if we learn they are, they most likely are. If you let him convince you otherwise, you are just setting yourself up for pain again in the future.

It is essential that your boyfriend own what he has done or is doing. If he doesn ‘ t do that, if he gaslights you and says that you are crazy and paranoid, I would consider skipping ahead to #5. If he won ‘ t admit what he is doing, you can no longer trust him and without trust your relationship is doomed.

#2 – Talk about it.

If your boyfriend has admitted that he is, or was, cheating on you, it ‘ s time to talk about the where and why.

For many people who have been cheated on, the need to know details is significant. How did it happen? Where did it happen? How long has it been going on? Why did you do it? They are so taken aback by it all that they just need more info.

If your boyfriend is two timing you, push him to give you the details you need. In my experience, I have found that if the one who was cheated on has as many details as they need they are more able to move forward with the relationship.

He might not be willing, or able, to give you details because of his guilt or because he doesn ‘ t want to hurt you or he might even try to brush off what happened as not a big deal. If this happens, make it clear to him that, without your questions answered, you won ‘ t be able to move forward together.

It is also important to decide, together, whether you truly want to work through this and build a happy relationship. It is essential that both parties are truly interested in making things work. If the cheater wants to try but his girlfriend knows that she can ‘ t get past it, there is no point in trying. If the girlfriend wants to make it work but the guy isn ‘ t all in, then the relationship will never be a healthy one.

So, talk about what happened and what you both want to do moving forward. Working through this, no matter what the outcome, is a team effort.

#3 – Think about it.

Once you have the information that you need, it ‘ s time for you to step back and process what you know. It is really up to you to decide what you want to do moving forward.

I would encourage you to think about your self-blame – do you blame yourself for not being good enough or being stupid to not have recognized what was going on? If you are, know that you aren ‘ t to blame. That, yes, there are two people in every relationship and two people responsible for its weakness, but you chose not to cheat. You are not to blame.

I would also encourage you to think about whether you can move forward with your person. Can there ever be a chance that you could trust them again and be willing to work to repair your relationship?

I would encourage you to think about whether you can forgive your person. I am not saying that you should forget what happened but will you be able to be with this person and every time you look at them not think about the infidelity? Will you constantly remind them that they betrayed you?

If you won ‘ t be able to forgive them, if you can never trust them and if you will continue with the self-blame and the need to hurt him, getting past this infidelity will be difficult.

#4 – Don ‘ t act on it.

No matter what, I would encourage you to not reach out to your boyfriend ‘ s cheating partner. I know that you want to but DON ‘ T.

For many women, the tendency to blame the person their boyfriend cheated with is significant. We think that they seduced their person, that our partner would never look for someone else on their own. We believe that if we can confront the other person it will be easier to move on.

I had a client who did just that and, instead of helping her move on, it held her back from healing in a big way. The other person gave her details of what happened, told her of conversations that involved laughing at her behind her back, of his promises that he would leave his girlfriend and run off with him. My client was devastated.

When a lover is confronted, they will often say horrible things. They might be feeling guilty or angry that they are being abandoned or betrayed by their lover or any such complicated feelings. As a result, they might say mean and nasty things, some of which might not be true.

.And those words, the words from a jilted lover, whether they are true or not, could damage beyond repair your relationship with your boyfriend, making it impossible for there to be any chance that you can move forward together.

#5 – Walk away from it.

This is a hard step but one that is important to be willing to take if necessary. The last thing that you want is for this infidelity to define your relationship and your life.

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for what happened, give you the details that you want and be willing to work through things in the effort to mend your relationship, then it might be time to walk away.

People who are cheaters often stay cheaters unless their original relationship changes significantly. Don ‘ t kid yourself into thinking that your boyfriend won ‘ t cheat on you again without him being willing to take responsibility for both what he did and what he needs to do to fix it.

I know that you want to stay in this relationship, that the idea of being alone or getting back out there in the dating world or that you will regret letting go of them in the future are all in your mind, and I get that. But the reality is, the longer that you stay with this cheater, the one not willing to take responsibility for his actions, the more likely that you will be cheated on again and not have the chance to find someone who truly loves you and would never stray.

Finding out that your boyfriend is two timing you is a devastating thing. The person you love and trusted has betrayed you and you are probably feeling worse than you might ever have in your life.

I would encourage you to take these steps to work through what has happened. Confront your boyfriend – let him know what you know. Talk to him about it and see what your chances are for working through it together. Take stock of your feelings so that you can learn how to manage them and, if necessary, be ready to walk away. And DO NOT talk to the cheating partner. Period the end.

Being stuck in a relationship where the cheater isn ‘ t going to take responsibility for his actions is something that you don ‘ t want to do. You have your whole life ahead of you. Make sure that you are going to share it with someone you can love and trust not someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions.

This might be hard but you can work through this, no matter the outcome, and come out the other side stronger.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want to know what to do now that you know your boyfriend is two timing you.

Let me help you, NOW, before you waste any more time in this relationship.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

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