He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Why Won’t He Let Me Go?

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Are you in a relationship with a guy who you know isn ‘ t all in?

Does he tell you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but does he still want to spend time with you and have sex with you and hang out with your friends?

Does he tell you, and sometimes show you, that he really likes you but he just doesn ‘ t like you ‘ ˜like that? ‘

Do his actions leave you absolutely dumbfounded as to how he is feeling? Do you feel like you are a yo-yo, someone who is being constantly pushed away and then pulled back in? Are you starting to lose your mind, wondering why, if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship, does he stick around?

There are a number of reasons why a guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship. Here are a few of them.

#1 – Loneliness.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, one of the reasons that he won ‘ t let you go is that he is lonely.

Why would he choose to be alone if he knows that you are ready and available to hang out with him whenever he feels lonely? I mean, he likes hanging out with you, so why not?

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to have a relationship with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that might be left in your absence, he keeps you around so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably are willing to stay because you don ‘ t enjoy being alone either.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he isn ‘ t all in, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – Insecurity.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. He keeps hanging around, hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move in that direction.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you around without a commitment could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date is daunting and, as a result, he stays, knowing that you are into him and that will make him feel better about himself. At your expense.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why isn ‘ t willing to let you go.

#3 – Sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go, he could very well be doing so just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘ This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might still want her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy stays around, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – Habit.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about relationships is the habits that they create.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

If your guy tells you he wants to spend time with you but doesn ‘ t want a relationship it ‘ s often because of habits that you have developed together, doing things together that you both enjoy.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go. As a result, he won ‘ t let you go, which only leaves you confused and upset.

#5 – Options.

For many guys who say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship but aren ‘ t willing to let you go, they do so so that they can keep their options open.

Yes, they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you but they like hanging out with you well enough so they continue to do so. But, by telling you they aren ‘ t interested in a relationship, they can keep their options in case someone else comes along.

Imagine if your guy meets someone else and you find out. When you call him on it he says ‘ ˜but we aren ‘ t in a relationship. ‘ And, this being true, in fact this being declared, will allow him to move on with absolutely no guilt. If you aren ‘ t in a relationship then he believes that he has done nothing wrong and push you away.

And, while this is technically true, hopeful you will be left devastated!

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you move on, your life can quickly become harder than it would be if he would just disappear altogether.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look why your guy might be hanging around. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit or he because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he is using you as a place filler until he finds someone better.

Ultimately, if your guy says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, believe him. Guys who want to be in a relationship will pursue you until they win you or they will walk away. Guys who are existing in this grey area between relationship and friendship are guys who will never commit to you.

It ‘ s up to you to walk away and look for someone who will recognize how amazing you are and embrace a relationship with you as the best thing that could ever happen to him.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really really confused about your relationship.

Let me help you, NOW, before you get really hurt.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things that Guys Going Through a Break up Need to Do NOW

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Ok, one of the things that isn ‘ t just in the world is that guys going through a break up often have NO idea what to do to get through it and out the other side intact.

I remember my daughter, when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heart broken. I asked her what she told her friend to do. My daughter said ‘ Go eat ice cream. ‘ This from my daughter who had never had a broken heart herself.

The same thing happened with my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That ‘ s it.

Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process break ups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Men, unfortunately, don ‘ t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how, to process their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.

Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a break up can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.

#1 – Feel the pain.

I can ‘ t tell you how many songs I have heard over the years about men who are going through a break up and how they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.

‘ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ‘ is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.

Let me tell you that, while getting under someone else will make you feel better in the moment, really, it ‘ s just a short term fix. Women and whisky will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term but the morning after will be harsh. Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, you will most likely feel worse!

It is important that, if you are going through a break up and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable, and even scary, but it is important that you let it in, feel it and let it go. If you stuff it down it will just get stuck in your body and you will spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren ‘ t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.

I know that the prospect seems scary but, truly, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while it feels horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb and, with treatment, you will get past it. How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Do you still have pain? I am guessing not.

So, for guys going through a break up, know that the pain might be uncomfortable but know that, if you feel it instead of bury it, it will pass.

#2 – Be decisive.

So, you have just broken up with your person or they have broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? Horny?

If you are feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.

What often happens after a break up is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with and the break up creates a void in which you are alone. What also happens is that we are left with more time on our hands and we get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, we might get horny and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.

And, when you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you TRULY want to reunite with them, you will just create more of a mess than already exists. Instead of the clean break that you had, you will get on this cycle of more talks and recriminations and pain.

So, if you are tempted to reach out to your person for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don ‘ t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.

#3 – Take responsibility.

What many of us do when we are in pain is we look to blame someone else. Especially if we know we are wrong, human beings have a hard time taking a good hard look at themselves and truly accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship.

Now I am not saying that you need to take all of the responsibility for the break down of the relationship but I would encourage you to take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.

Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short tempered with her when she interrupted a game? Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end of it all?

It is important to take stock of your role in a break up so that you can learn from it and not do it again. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to bring about change.

If you don ‘ t, you will be destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.

#4 – Open up.

This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a break up to do. What I am going to ask you to do next is find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.

Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside, that sharing their emotions might make them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to keep bottled up, where they never sees the light of day and where they can tend to fester and rot.

When we are struggling with breakups, it ‘ s important that we find one person we can process what we are going through, one person who can listen to us and share perspectives and help us see what went wrong and what you can do differently going forward.

If you have a friend who can play that role, use him or her. If not, find a life coach (like me!) who can help you process what you are feeling and move on!

#5 – Take your time.

As I stated above, jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And, if you start to have sex with random women it could get even worse.

If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship you will simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure. Not only will you cause more pain for yourself but you will also cause pain to another person, perhaps pain like you are feeing right now.

If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people you will only be using those women as a Band-aid for your broken heart. In reality, you will emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself. And, once again, you will be causing other people pain.

As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, I would encourage you to pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you are feeling sad and lonely and eager to pair up again but know that, if you do it too quickly, you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and to ultimately be left alone.

Guys going through a break up sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights – knowing that they are in danger but having no idea how to get through it.

I believe that men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive after but that many of them struggle with how to get actually do it. If you are a guy, reading this article right now, good for you for looking for guidance in how to heal and move on from your break up.

I would encourage you not push past the pain but to feel it, to decide to stay or go and don ‘ t waver, to take responsibility, to find someone to talk to and to not get into a rebound relationship.

I know that you feel really horrible right now but know that, with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away but you will be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness that you have always longed for!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be wanting to get past your broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

How to Let Go of Someone You Love After Infidelity

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Are you wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity, after that certain someone has had an affair?

Do you still love your person but are you unsure if you want to stay or let go of them in light of what they have done?

Are you super confused and overwhelmed and not sure what to do next?

There are some questions that you can ask yourself when you are wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity. Knowing the answers to these questions, the WHY you need to move on, will help you get some clarity on whether truly letting go and moving on is an option for you.

#1 – Can you ever trust them again?

A very large part of being in a healthy relationship is trust. Without trust, a relationship is doomed to fail.

Your person has had an affair. They have violated your trust. Do you think that you can ever learn to trust them again?

Will you be okay when they say they have to work late? Will you always need to check their phone? Will you wonder every time you can ‘ t account for their whereabouts for a few hours? Will you be upset whenever you see them talk to someone of the opposite sex?

The answers to these questions will help you figure out if you need to let go of someone you love after infidelity because if you can ‘ t trust them, ultimately, they will make you supremely unhappy every day because your mind will always be going to dark places, places where you still suspect that your person is doing you wrong again.

So, if you can ‘ t trust your person, letting them go, even if you love them, might be the best thing to do.

#2 – Can you forgive them?

A big part of getting past someone ‘ s affair is to ask yourself if you can forgive them for what they have done.

To forgive an affair involves many pieces. It means accepting that your person is just a person who makes mistakes. It means forgiving yourself for missing the signs and accepting that you are not a fool. It means acknowledging that this is not your fault. It means that your person has taken responsibility for their actions and that they are committed to not doing it again.

There are many pieces to forgiveness and, while it is possible to forgive someone for their infidelity, if you know that you can ‘ t let go of what has happened, if you can ‘ t forgive your partner for their betrayal, then letting them go will be a good idea so that you can both move on.

#3 – Do you want to still be with them?

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you still love your person. My question to you is, do you still like them? Like them enough to want to still be with them?

Many people stay in relationships with people even if they don ‘ t really want to be in relationship with them because they think they must do so. The option of leaving just isn ‘ t an option, for a variety of reasons.

And, if you don ‘ t want to be with someone, if you actively don’t like them, staying with them will just make you miserable. More miserable than leaving.

So, a good way to work towards deciding if you must let go of someone you love after they commit infidelity is to see if you really do want to be with them or you are just holding on to some kind of ‘ ˜should. ‘

#4 – Are you staying with them for the wrong reasons?

This is a very important thing to ask yourself. Why are you choosing to stay with this person? Yes, you love them, but if you feel like you can ‘ t trust them or forgive them then why are you staying?

Are you staying because of your kids, because of finances, because of public perception, because you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in divorce ‘ or you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in giving up? ‘

Are you staying for any reason other than the fact that you believe that you can forgive and trust and move past what has happened?

If the answer is yes, recognize what that thing is and ask yourself if that thing is worse than you being miserable for, perhaps, the rest of your life. Because that ‘ s what staying with them for the wrong reasons will do.

All of those things that are mentioned above are things that can be dealt with. Being miserable for the rest of your life will not be.

#5 – Have you tried everything?

For many people, when they let go of someone they love after infidelity, once they do, they have regrets.

The wonder if they did everything that they could do before they walked away. Did they work to trust and to forgive? Did they perhaps work with a life coach or therapist to process what has happened? Did they try couples counseling to try to work through, together, the issues in the relationship?

If you don ‘ t think that you have tried everything that you need to try before letting go of your someone, consider doing so before walking away.

Regret is a horrible thing and if you are considering letting go of someone you love and you haven ‘ t tried everything, you very well might regret it.

Learning how to let go of someone you love after infidelity is a very important next step in seeking future happiness.

It ‘ s not easy to let go of someone you love, even if they have betrayed you. It is important that you don ‘ t make the decision lightly but that you do so knowing that what you have and haven ‘ t done, what you can and can ‘ t do.

Knowing these things, knowing the WHY you are leaving someone, will make letting them go that much easier.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with whether to let go of someone you love.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How Couples Survive During Times of Crisis

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We are going through an unprecedented crisis right now and many people are wondering how couples survive when times are as tough as these.

It ‘ s a good question. And, while these are particularly tough times, couples are often faced with crises over the course of their relationship. Jobs are lost, kids get in trouble, parents get old, cars are crashed ‘ ¦the list goes on and on.

And, with each and every crisis, couples have to navigate the murky waters that accompany them and try to help each other stay afloat.

So, how couples survive during times of crisis is by keeping these few things in mind.

#1 – Don ‘ t stop talking.

One thing that couples tend to really struggle with is communication.

Remember, at the beginning, when you would stay up until all hours of the night, sharing your history and your hopes and dreams? And now, after a certain amount of time together, the healthy communication has, to a large degree, slowed down.

Instead of talking about what each other wants or needs, couples tend to sink into themselves. Women often want their partners to know what they need without having to tell them. Men often have no idea what their partner needs and therefore are hesitant to try anything for fear of being wrong.

It is important that, when considering how couples survive during times of crisis, couples make an effort to communicate with their partners, not only their wants and needs but to talk to each other like human beings. When communication stops, it can be hard to start up again so keeping the lines of communication open will allow each person to know that their person is there for them if they need them to be and to know that they can, in turn, be there for their partner.

Surviving crises can be difficult as a couple but, if lines of communication are kept open, getting through them can often be easier as a team.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s feelings.

I remember, at the beginning of this Covid-19 crisis, my partner and I had very different needs.

I needed to read everything about it that I could and share it out loud. My partner didn ‘ t want the constant updates because they were stressing him out. Because he is patient with me and loves me, he didn ‘ t tell me that my updates were stressing him out. Fortunately, one day he wasn ‘ t able to hide his feelings of anguish and I saw what my words were doing to him. So, I stopped updating him and still indulged my need to know everything. Silently.

Things doesn ‘ t always work out this way. Oftentimes couple ‘ s needs are so diametrically opposed to each other that they are completely incomprehensible to the other person. I have heard stories of couples who have lost children and were driven apart because of each other ‘ s modes of grieving. They just couldn ‘ t understand what the other was doing and it caused resentment and further anguish.

It is important to notice, as I did, or ask your partner, what they need in a crisis. What works for one person doesn ‘ t necessarily work for the other. And vice versa. If you can respect what your partner does and needs, and in turn share your own, you are more likely to be a model of how couples survive in a crisis and not one of many whose relationships just don ‘ t make it through.

#3 – Don ‘ t be selfish.

Many relationships have certain patterns, patterns that make their relationship special. Whether it ‘ s foot rubs in front of the TV or always being responsible for the laundry or getting up early to walk the dog, there are things that people do for each other to make them feel loved.

Often, the first thing that falls to the side during times of crisis is those patterns. Someone who used to do the dishes every night no longer does so because that is when the family comes together on a Zoom call to discuss their mother ‘ s illness. Or perhaps you no longer get foot rubs in front of the TV because your partner is exhausted from looking for jobs all day.

It is important that, if these things are happening, you try not to get selfish and resentful. Of course, you have needs, things that you have always received and need to feel loved, but try to understand that, during times of crisis, those things might fall to the side. I know that it ‘ s hard to do, to stay strong when your small needs aren ‘ t being met, but know that, most likely, it ‘ s only temporary and after this period of time has passed, things will go back to normal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

The flip side of not being selfish is to take care of yourself. If your needs aren ‘ t being met by your partner, it is important that you practice self-care.

If your feet aren ‘ t getting rubbed at night, perhaps get a massage or see a reflexologist. If you are left with the dishes, build some time into your evening and know that it won ‘ t be forever. If you have to walk the dog, perhaps do so with a friend so that you can chat away, without guilt, for an hour. These patterns might be missing now but they won ‘ t be forever.

If we don ‘ t make an effort to take care of ourselves during times of crisis we can find ourselves full of resentment with our partners, resentment about being ignored and left behind during hard times. We need to love and care for ourselves so that we can stay strong, both for our health and the health of our relationship as a couple.

#5 – Get help.

Finally, if you find that you and your partner are circling the drain during this difficult time, it would be a good idea to get help. A therapist or a life coach will be able to help you deal with the things I addressed above. Many couples really struggle with them and having a professional help you can make all the difference.

You can find a therapist or life coach at www.psychologytoday.com or you can email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com to get started.

It is very, very important that, if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse, you understand that the damage that is being caused by the disconnect might cause irreparable damage, so get ahead of it. Ask for some help. You will be glad you did!

When you look around and wonder how couples survive during times of crisis do you wonder if it ‘ s just you, is it just your relationship that doesn ‘ t seem strong enough to get through this?

I can promise you that you are not alone. Many couples really struggle when faced with difficult life experiences but many of them are successful at coming out the other side.

Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and ask what each other needs, to respect those needs without resentment, to try to put your own needs second and yet to take care of yourself at the same time and, if all else fails, get some help!

You and your partner can get through this. I know you can! And if I can help let me know!

 

If you have made this far you must really be wondering how couples survive in a crisis.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things To Do if You Are Feeling Depressed in the Morning

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Are you finding that more and more you are feeling depressed in the morning? Is the current stay at home situation making it difficult for you to not feel full of hopelessness and despair.

Or perhaps, even before all of this started, you found yourself waking up and feeling depressed in the morning, which tended, more often than not, to sabotage your day?

Waking up and feeling depressed is a horrible thing. It messes with the rest of our day and makes us miss out on a whole lot of living.

So, what do you do if you are feeling depressed in the morning?

#1 – GET OUT OF BED.

The most important thing to do if you are feeling depressed in the morning is to GET OUT OF BED.

The emphasis that I put on this small action is because it is so important.

When we are depressed, our inclination is to stay in bed, under the warm covers. And yes, sleep feels really good when we are depressed but the toxic thoughts that rear their ugly head are not.

When you are feeling depressed in the morning and you can ‘ t get up the energy to get out of bed, do your thoughts go to dark places? Do you start ruminating about everything that is wrong with your life? Do you think about what a loser you are? How you will always be alone? How lazy you are that you can ‘ t even get out of bed?

The longer that you stay in bed, listening to those damaging thoughts in your head, the more depressed you will get. So, get out of bed.

How? I have a number of friends who have some great ideas about how to get out of bed and stay out of bed. Get out of bed to go to the bathroom and then strip your bed of your sheets. Or remove the mattress from the box spring. Or cover your bed with junk. Whatever it takes so that you will not sink yourself back into that cozy den of dark thoughts.

So, GET OUT OF BED. If you don’t, your depression will definitely stay with you for the rest of the day, if not longer.

#2 – Take a shower.

Believe it or not, taking a shower can be an excellent cause for some relief if you are feeling depressed in the morning.

There are a few reasons why. The first is that taking a shower is something that people do on a day that is going to be productive – i.e. when they are seeing friends or going to work. Taking a shower will send a signal to your brain that today is not a day to stay home depressed but to go out in the world, whether you need to or not.

Also, scientific research has shown that hot (and cold) water can be a great anti-depressant. I know that a hot shower, with a cold rinse, or a hot bath can make all the difference for me on a depressed day.

So, take a shower. Wash your hair. Get yourself presentable and ready for your day!

#3 – Eat Breakfast.

I know. You are depressed and the last thing in the world that you want to do is eat anything, much less breakfast.

Eating when you are depressed is an essential tool for lifting your depression. Your body, and your brain, doesn ‘ t function optimally when it has no fuel. When you wake up in the morning and your fuel tank is on empty, the chances of you jumping out of bed and feeling 100% are slim to none.

So, after your shower, put something in your stomach. Something that will give your brain and your body the energy to face the day and get you out of the house and living.

#4 – Do something that makes you happy.

Once you are up, bathed and fed, the goal of your day should be to do at least one thing that makes you happy.

Whether it ‘ s watching a TV show, hanging out with a friend, taking your dog for a walk or having a hot bath, doing even one thing that makes you happy will raise your dopamine levels which in turn will alleviate your depression, even if for a brief time.

The very best thing that you could do for yourself, even if it ‘ s not one of your favorites, is to get some exercise. Exercise, of any kind, raises your dopamine levels and dopamine is essential for mood health. So, if you can get out there and walk or run or dance, you will be glad you did.

#5 – Believe that this will pass.

When we are depressed, it ‘ s very easy for us to believe that this will never pass, that we will always be depressed. When you are in the middle of a depression, the future always looks bleak.

What I am here to tell you is that, from the perspective of someone who isn ‘ t depressed, your world will get better. That the things that are making you feel so down today will not necessarily make you feel horrible tomorrow. If you can just get through this day then chances are that tomorrow, or the next day, your depression will pass and you will be happy again.

Of course, if you find that your depression isn ‘ t passing, or that it ‘ s getting worse, it ‘ s important that you get help.

There are different types of depression and some of them don ‘ t get better without treatment. In fact, some of them get worse the longer they go untreated. So, if you find yourself feeling depressed in the morning but find that your depression is not getting better, reach out to your primary doctor and let them help you get through this.

Feeling depressed in the morning is not fun. After a good night ‘ s sleep, before the day begins, one hopes to have just a few moments of peace to enjoy the corner of the world in which we live. When we are depressed, those moments of peace are stolen from us.

So, if you are feeling depressed in the morning, get out of bed, take a shower, eat some breakfast, do something that you love to do and have some hope. Depression is horrible but it doesn ‘ t have to ruin your life.

Do the things that you need to do NOW to manage your depression before it gets worse!

If you have made this far you must really be feeling depressed in the morning.

Let me help you, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

7 Reasons You Can’t Break Up with Someone Even if You Know You Should

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Are you in a relationship that you know isn ‘ t working but are you having a hard time ending things? Are you wondering why you can ‘ t break up with someone even though you know you should?

Breaking up with someone, whether we want to do so or not, is never easy. We go into relationships with such hope and ending them can seem like the end of a dream. Or the end of a nightmare.

There are a few reasons why you can ‘ t break up someone even if you know you should. Being aware of them might make breaking up a little bit easier.

#1 -You are worried about your social group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people they are concerned about breaking up with someone because of the effect that it will have on their social group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren ‘ t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn ‘ t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren ‘ t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

#2 – You are scared of being alone forever.

This might be the number one reason that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should.

I don ‘ t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn ‘ t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking in high school that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn ‘ t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can ‘ t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to not be in a happy relationship because, if you are stuck in this one, you won ‘ t be able to find someone else.

So, if you can ‘ t break up with someone even if you know you should, know that, if you can find the strength to do so, you will find the person of your dreams.

#3 – You don ‘ t want to hurt them.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don ‘ t want to be with and the one that frustrates me the most.

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It ‘ s really amazing. And, almost without exception, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And you know what he does? He doesn ‘ t tell them he isn ‘ t interested. He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is ‘ ˜afraid to hurt them. ‘

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, but instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth. Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don ‘ t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#4 – You believe you can fix them.

For many people, especially women, we believe that we can fix the things about our partner that make us unhappy.

Perhaps your partner spends too much time with his friends at the expense of time with you. Perhaps he works all the time and does give you much attention. Perhaps she doesn ‘ t treat her family the way you would like her to. Perhaps you wish she had higher self-esteem.

For many people who are unhappy in relationships but who can ‘ t break up with their person, can ‘ t do so because they believe that they can fix the other person and then they will live happily ever after.

Let me tell you, unless you are happy with who your person is RIGHT NOW, then you are doomed to be unhappy if you don ‘ t break up with them. People can ‘ t be fixed. They can choose to make change of their own accord but you won ‘ t be able to fix them, no matter how hard you try.

#5 – You have all this time invested.

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have heard this from clients – ‘ I have put so much time into this person. I don ‘ t want to walk away now. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have told them that that is no reason to stay.

Yes, you might have invested a lot of time in this person (I put 20 years into my now defunct marriage) so don ‘ t spend even one more minute with someone who you aren ‘ t happy with. Cut bait right now and invest the next few minutes, hours and days of your life on taking care of yourself and putting your energy out into the world to find the person of your dreams.

Furthermore, I do believe that any time we might spend with someone, no matter how it ends, isn ‘ t a waste of time. You learn a lot, about yourself and about relationships, during your time with someone. The only reason that time would be wasted is if you walk away without taking what you have learned with you.

So, don ‘ t let sunk time, time that you have already spent, make you stay in a relationship that you know should end.

#6 – You don ‘ t like to give up.

Another thing I often hear from clients is that they don ‘ t like to give up. That they want to continue to fight for a relationship. What I tell them, in response, is that one person can ‘ t fight for a relationship. Unless both people are willing to fight, a broken relationship will not get fixed.

None of us like to give up and admit defeat, but if you are the only one fighting for this relationship, g

iving up is the best and wisest thing that you can do.

#7 – You still have hope.

This is the hardest reason why you can ‘ t break up with someone – doing so will mean that you have to give up hope around living happily ever after.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn ‘ t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn ‘ t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn ‘ t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams even more.

So, if you still have hope for your relationship, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it ‘ s the first, keep fighting. If it ‘ s the second, it ‘ s time to move on.

Knowing that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should, is very frustrating and exhausting.

Lots of time and effort is spent going back and forth on the pluses and minuses, recovering from crying jags and feeling hopeless about the future. Basically, your life can be put on hold while you try to break up with someone you should break up with.

Knowing, and accepting, that there are reasons why you can ‘ t break up with someone is the best way to be able to take the steps to do so.

Go through the checklist above. Consider those that apply to you. If you can work your way through them, you just might find that you have the clarity to break up with someone, for both of your own goods.

You can do this! And, if you do, you will give yourself the chance to live happily ever after!

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with breaking up with someone.

Let me help you, NOW, before you waste anymore time.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do When Your Spouse is Driving You Crazy

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Ok, so. Is your spouse driving you crazy? Was marriage hard enough before all of this started and are you finding it nigh on impossible now that we are all stuck at home.

You are not alone. Divorce attorneys are reporting higher than average inquiries into divorces and researchers are not expecting a ‘ ˜Covid-19 baby boom. ‘ People are struggling, individually, and even more so, sometimes, in couples.

So, what you can do when your spouse is driving you crazy, both during these crazy times and once things get back to normal?

#1 – Take a time out.

The most important thing to do if your spouse is driving you crazy is to get the hell away from them.

I know, easier said than done these days but it is possible.

Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. When you are in the same space with someone who is watching TV all day or farting often or slurping their coffee or whatever, unless you get away from them you will most likely explode. And, as I am sure you know from previous experience, exploding doesn ‘ t make anything better.

So, what can you do to take your time out? Ideally, you would be able to go for a walk or a run. Exercise and sunshine are the best medicines when we are feeling angry or stressed out. If it ‘ s possible, get outside and as far away from your spouse as possible.

If you can ‘ t get outside, go into another room. Take a bath. Watch your own TV show. Read a book. Put some distance between the two of you.

If your space is really cramped, headphones can be a lifesaver. Use some to listen to music or a podcast or an audio book or just simply as ear plugs. If you can ‘ t hear your person, more than likely you will no longer be annoyed by them. Out of sight, and hearing, and out of mind.

#2 – Communicate.

Yeah, yeah, I know. Talking to them will just make it worse, right? Yes, it will, if you do it in the moment that your spouse is driving you crazy.

I would suggest that, after you get some space and your frustration and anger dissipates, you talk to your spouse about what is driving you crazy. And I would suggest a certain way to do it so that you are successful.

If him slurping his coffee is driving you nuts, try to tell him that the slurping sound makes you feel irritated. Not so much that you are irritated by him but at the sound of the slurping. Of course, you can ‘ t get mad at the coffee so might it be possible for him to make an effort not to slurp. If the noise is gone, or reduced, you most likely won ‘ t be as irritated.

If you tell your husband that he is driving you crazy by slurping his coffee he will get defensive because you are attacking his actions. Instead, talking about how his actions make you feel is something that he can ‘ t argue with.

Does this make sense? Here is an article that I wrote about effective communication with your spouse.

#3 – Cut them some slack.

One thing my therapist pointed out to me a long time ago is that none of us are perfect. And, of course, we rarely set out to drive each other crazy.

Be honest, do you think that your husband is slurping coffee just to annoy you or is it a longstanding habit that perhaps you used to find endearing?

With that thought in mind, perhaps his actions can bother you less, if you recognize that he isn ‘ t setting out to drive you crazy but that he is a person in the world who isn ‘ t perfect.

I am guessing there are a few things that you do that drive him nuts as well and that you do them because you aren ‘ t perfect either, not to bother him.

So, let your partner off the hook sometimes. It ‘ s way better than getting all worked up.

#4 – Consider what is really going on.

I know that I used to snap at my ex-husband A LOT. Of course, some of it was because he was driving me crazy but, more often than not, there was something else going on.

I remember lots of snapping when we were trying to get the kids out the door or get them into bed or managing how to get to a family event or some other mundane but incredibly frustrating daily activity.

So, when your spouse is driving you crazy, take a moment and consider if it is actually them irritating you or if there is something else going on. It could be work or a body ache or your mother or any other myriad of things. If you can stop yourself before you get to frustrated then the damage to your marriage might be minimal.

#5 – Get physical.

One of the hardest things to do when your spouse is driving you crazy is to touch them but it is the best thing that you can do to fix it. A hug can be better than a thousand words.

I am not saying that you have to go over and hug your spouse when they are driving you crazy but I would encourage you to do so when you have done the above steps and settled down.

Physical contact is incredibly important to keep couples connected. For many married couples, sex gets complicated the longer the marriage goes on and, as a result, physical contact can also be curtailed because everyone is insecure about what that physical touch might mean.

So, putting aside sex, make an effort to hug your spouse for 10 seconds at least once a day. They say that a 10 second hug can make a huge difference in connection between couples.

Try hugging. Even if it feels kind of weird and unnatural, try it. It could make a huge difference.

Even outside of times of crisis, when your spouse is driving you crazy life can be unpleasant.

Of course, you can sink into the anger and resentment that happens in marriage because of unresolved issues or you can try a few simple steps to try to repair things.

Take some time away to calm yourself down, make an effort to talk to your spouse about how you are feeling, recognize that they are only human and that perhaps they have something internal happening and reach out and touch them.

Your spouse is someone who you committed to love forever, in good times and in bad. Try to manage those moments in time when your spouse is driving you crazy and you are way more likely to live happily ever after!

You can do it! I promise.

 

If you have made this far your spouse must be really driving you crazy

Let me help you, NOW, before it overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order? 5 Ways to Ride it Out.

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Oh my gosh, so many people I know are feeling depressed during the stay at home order.

Our lives are so different now. The things we used to take for granted – restaurants, massages, hanging out with friends, taking road trips, even going to the doctor – are all missing from our lives right now, leaving what feels like nothing. We are feeling empty and lonely and bored, among other things.

Unfortunately, many of those emotions can lead to feeling depressed. For many of us, feeling depressed before the coronavirus was a daily reality but for those of you who haven ‘ t struggled with it before it can be especially hard to manage.

Let me give you a few tips, from someone who has lived with depression for years, for how to best ride out feeling depressed during the stay at home order.

#1 – Focus on what you do have.

Are you spending much of your day thinking about all of the things that you usually have in your life? Work, friends, sex, dating, the gym, Starbucks? All of those things have been important, and taken for granted, parts of our lives and their absence can be devastating.

Would it be possible for you, instead, to focus on what you do have?

I was talking to a friend of mine whose husband died last year and I mentioned that my boyfriend and I aren ‘ t as physical these days. She said ‘ ˜Don ‘ t take each other for granted. I haven ‘ t been touched in 3 weeks. ‘ That gave me pause and I went and hugged my boyfriend.

I learned a big lesson from her, to appreciate what I do have. Can you take stock of what you do have? Do you have a roof over your head, a job, friends to keep in touch with, free time to watch some TV that you haven ‘ t been able to watch? Do you have a pet who will give you love, the ability to get outside into the woods, more family time then you have had for years?

All of those things are important to take stock of. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner) our lives will go back to (somewhat) normal and we might not ever have the life that we have now again.

So, take a moment and take stock of what you have. It might help you feeling depressed during the stay at home order in a big way.

#2 – Have hope.

One of the hallmarks of depression is hopelessness. And it ‘ s hard to not feel hopeless these days. We are dealing with a normal that we have never had to deal with before, with no easy end in sight, and it ‘ s hard to believe that we could ever be happy again.

I am here to tell you, however, that this will end. The life that we are living right now, socially isolated, wearing masks, staying 6 feet away from each other, not traveling and being generally afraid, won ‘ t last forever.

Yes, it might take a while for our lives to go back to the way they were before but they will go back. And when they do, our lives will go on. We will date and go to Starbucks and fight with our families at Thanksgiving and soon forget that this was even part of our reality in early 2020.

So, have hope. This will not be your life forever. I promise.

#3 – Get some Vitamin D.

When people visit the doctor about feeling depressed one of the first things that is done is a test for Vitamin D levels. Low levels of Vitamin D are found in many people who are feeling depressed and, for many, a Vitamin D supplement can make all of the difference.

Another way to get Vitamin D is to get out into the sunshine. I think that, because our outside time has been limited, many of us have low Vitamin D levels and that is causing some (or all) of our depression. So, try to get outside and get some sunshine.

If you can ‘ t get outside, there are natural light lamps for sale that do an excellent job imitating the beneficial aspects of the sun. They are inexpensive and you can put one on your breakfast table and get a Vitamin D dose right then and there.

So, if you are feeling depressed, get yourself some more Vitamin D, however you can, and see if it helps!

#4 – Distract yourself.

Unfortunately, when we are depressed, one of our worst enemies is our brain.

When we are feeling depressed, more often than not our brains get caught in this cycle of negative thoughts. We think about how horrible our life is, what losers we are, how our parents neglected us, how we have no friends. These kind of thoughts go around and around in our brain and sink us down deeper into depression.

One of the best tools against depression is to distract that brain of yours. Watching a movie or binging on TV, reading a book, talking to a friend, listening to music, having sex, all of these things will stop that brain of yours from doing the negative circle dance and give you a break. And, even if the break is just for a short time, it will be a break. Just like taking a break when you are climbing a mountain, that mind break will help you manage your depression before it sucks you dry.

#5 – Get some help.

One of the most important parts of managing depression is to know when you need to get some help.

If you were depressed before all of this started and you find yourself sinking deeper into it, it might be time to call your doctor. Doctors are doing video consultations so perhaps you should call yours and tell them what is going on.

If feeling depressed is new for you, try to do some of the items above and see if they help. If you find that you aren ‘ t getting better, contacting your doctor would be a good idea. They might be able to give you additional support to get you through these times.

Depression can take its toll if it is left unmanaged. Don ‘ t let your depression take over your life. Make sure that you get some help if you need some.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order is something that is way more prevalent than anyone of us would like.

Fortunately, there are ways to manage it. Take stock of what you do have, know and believe that this crisis will end, get some Vitamin D and keep that mind of yours busy.

Most importantly, if you find that your depression is getting worse, that you find that you can ‘ t get out of bed and that you are full of hopelessness and despair, call your doctor. Get some help. This is very, very important.

Feeling depressed during the stay at home order is not abnormal. Be soft on yourself. Manage it. We can all get through this. Together, and apart.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed during the stay home order.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Reasons Why Your Dating Anxiety is on HIGH During Social Distancing

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If there is one consistent theme in the sessions I am having with my clients is that their dating anxiety has been ramped up to HIGH during this period of coronavirus and social distancing.

Dating is hard enough. Dating at a distance takes it to a whole different level.

Let me explain why.

#1 – How do you follow your gut?

In my experience, I have found that one of the most difficult things about online dating is that, until you actually come face to face with someone, it ‘ s hard to really know how you feel about them.

When I was dating, before I knew better, I would spend weeks talking to someone I connected with online. And, as time went on, I found myself become attached to them. And then, when I met them, the attraction just wasn ‘ t there.

I hated that. I had really liked this person before we talked and, for whatever reason, once we met, I just didn ‘ t feel it.

That is the theme around dating right now. Unless you met your person before this all started, you don ‘ t really know them and can ‘ t go with your gut.

On the other hand, I have a client who went on one date with a guy right before the lockdown. They really liked each other but haven ‘ t seen each other since because of the social distancing. As a result, she is starting to question whether she did really like him. She still talks to him but without the face to face she is having a hard time connecting the way she did initially.

#2 – It ‘ s all weird.

No matter if you are 25 or 55, you have most likely been on a date before. It usually includes meeting up for a drink or a dinner, small talk, perhaps a walk, or a movie. If things go well, you make plans to do it again. And, hopefully, again.

These days, dating has been turned on its head. The things that we have always done we can ‘ t do anymore. As a result, the actual process of dating has become uncomfortable. As if dating wasn ‘ t difficult enough.

Not only do we need to deal with getting to know someone but we also need to create new ways of doing so. Facetime movies and drinks, walks in the part 6 feet apart, maybe binge watching a show together. And, the hardest of all, trying to find something to talk about that ‘ s not the coronavirus.

So, if your dating anxiety is high, the uncomfortableness of the new normal of dating could be why.

#3 – Hopelessness.

A client of mine is talking to a number of guys, none of whom she has met yet. And while talking to them helps pass the time, she often says to me ‘ ˜what ‘ s the point? ‘

For many of us right now, we just don ‘ t know what the future looks like. We don ‘ t know when and how this craziness will end and, if it does, what life afterwards will look like. Will we have jobs, money, our health, our families and friends? We just don ‘ t know.

That not knowing what the future looks like makes it really hard to imagine having a future with someone. How can you picture and work towards happily ever after with someone if you don ‘ t know if there is even going to be an ever after?

For many people, hopelessness in life and love equals dating anxiety. It ‘ s even worse right now.

#4 – Emotions are running high.

For one of my clients, she said the biggest challenge for her is to ‘ ˜contain the crazy. ‘ I love that phrase.

We are all, to some degree or another, very emotional. When we first start dating we try to contain that emotion somewhat so that we don ‘ t scare our person away. I am not saying we aren ‘ t ourselves but that we do try to not let our emotions get the best of us.

In this day and age, all of our emotions are running high. With the news and the lack of social interaction, the boredom and the monotony, many people are living on the edge of insanity. When we are dating, the edge of insanity is not a good place to be.

For one of my clients, a man she had just started talking with is normally a clinically depressed person. He has been treated for it and generally has it under control. Right now, however, he is really depressed and is having a v

ery difficult time managing it. My client feels badly but she knows that she doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with this guy the way he is.

In regular times, this man ‘ s depression might not have reared its ugly head so quickly and so dramatically and my client might have gotten to know him and love him and understand that depression is just part of who he is.

#5 – Looking for commitment.

One of the most interesting things that I am seeing happening right now is that many people who are newly dating are looking for a commitment unnaturally early.

For those people who are social distancing alone, not having a partner can be especially painful. The idea that everyone else is out there quarantining with their person while they are alone, alone, alone is just too much. As a result, they seek to create a committed relationship out of something that isn ‘ t there yet.

I have a client who has been talking to a guy for about a month. They talk on the phone daily and they have sat at least 6 feet from each other 3 times but that is it. They haven ‘ t touched, they haven ‘ t gone out in public, they haven ‘ t met each other ‘ s friends.

This morning, this guy asked my client if she would go off the dating apps, that he wants them to be in a committed relationship and that she needs to stop talking to her old boyfriend. She said ‘ ˜Wait, what? ‘

In the normal world, this whole scenario most likely would never have happened.

The human need to be coupled up is a significant one and especially during these difficult times. That need to connect is a big reason why dating anxiety is so prevalent and so extreme right now.

Dating is hard and dating anxiety has always a part of it but, because of coronavirus and social distancing, that anxiety is going through the roof for many people.

The new normal of dating and not knowing the future is so uncomfortable, it ‘ s hard to follow your gut, to control emotions that are running high and manage the politics of being single make what has always been a thing fraught with stuff, something even harder.

I know that it ‘ s hard but I would encourage you to take stock of what I have said and persevere nonetheless. This WILL be over someday and when it is, wouldn ‘ t it be nice to find love again for the summer?

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with dating anxiety.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you topple over the edge.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How Defining Relationship Expectations Can Keep Yours Healthy

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As we are all learning, relationships can be sorely tested by the stay at home measures being recommended during this coronavirus pandemic. What I know, however, is that defining relationship expectations NOW can keep relationships healthy and can possibly help mend damaged ones and help move them forward stronger than ever.

In these modern days, establishing expectations at work is something that is done as a matter of course but, unfortunately, establishing relationship expectations is not so common. Why, I don ‘ t know, because not having expectations around anything is a recipe for things to go awry.

So why does defining relationship expectations make such a difference, especially in these scary times?

#1 – Everyone knows what to expect.

One of the key reasons why defining relationship expectations now are so important is that everyone knows what to expect.

Think about work – when you start a project the first thing that is laid out is the participation expectations of everyone on the team. That way, as the project moves forward, everyone knows what their role is which, in turn, ensures that the project will be a success.

In a relationship, things work the same way. If you both can define what your expectations are then your relationship has a better chance of staying healthy.

In my relationship our expectations are as follows:

*I will decide what we are going to eat and I will cook and he will do the dishes, preferable right after dinner but that is negotiable.

*We will take a walk together every day, no excuses.

*I won ‘ t blurt out horrible things that I read in the news without his permission.

*He gets 2 hours in the garage daily to putter.

*I get a footrub 4 nights a week.

These are the things that are most important to us and that we both expect from our relationship. Imagine if we didn ‘ t understand each other ‘ s expectations, if he didn ‘ t do the dishes and I just blurted out horrible news. How quickly would we get upset with each other? How quickly would our nerves begin to fray?So, take the time and talk to your partner about your expectations, both around the coronavirus and big picture. It will be worth it, I promise.

#2 – You can start with honesty.

Every healthy relationship is built on honesty and defining expectations is an important part of being honest.

A client of mine is full of resentment around what her husband does and doesn ‘ t do around the house. The problem is, she has never told him what she wants him to do – she just expects that he will figure it out. As a result, she passive aggressively nudges him to do what she wants him to do. And it pisses him off that she isn ‘ t direct and that makes it more likely that he won ‘ t get it done.

He tells me that if she were just honest with him about what she wanted done, and he was able to be honest with her about what he could do, they would be able to navigate all of this much better and eliminate the underlining tension that always exists in their household.

So, be honest with your partner about what you want so that you can include it in your expectations. Even if your partner isn ‘ t sure he can meet the expectation, you have put it out there honestly so that you can discuss it.

#3 – You can better manage disagreements.

Let ‘ s say that my boyfriend fails to do the dishes after agreeing that that was my expectation. Now imagine my client ‘ s husband failing to do the dishes because he doesn ‘ t know that he is expected to do them.

Now picture whose argument around the dishes would be loudest and longest? If my boyfriend knowingly didn ‘ t do the dishes it would be hard for him to argue that I was being unreasonable and difficult. He would, hopefully, acknowledge that he dropped the ball and we would move on with our day.

The fight that would ensue, or the extended simmering anger, if my client ‘ s husband didn ‘ t do the dishes would be something that would not be easily managed. That she didn ‘ t ask for what she wanted and he didn ‘ t do it on his own would just lead to disagreement that has probably happened before. A disagreement that will never be settled and would lead to more issues down the road.

#4 – You can celebrate when things go right.

One of the nicest things about setting expectations is that, when they are met, we have an opportunity to thank each other and celebrate. Because these expectations are met, we know when our needs are being honored and that makes us feel happier and more secure in our relationship.

When my boyfriend gets to have his 2 hours in the garage, even if I wanted him to help me in the garden, he is a happy camper. He not only gets his time on his own but that he gets to do so makes him love me even more. And when he is that happy, my footrubs are much longer.

So, while setting expectations can be difficult at first, when they are stuck to, good things can be the result.

#5 – You can be hopeful.

People say that divorce attorneys are experiencing higher than normal inquiries into their services.

Couples who were previously able to ignore their marital issues because the busyness of their lives are now unable to do so. As a result, problems that were long simmering are rearing their ugly heads.

Imagine if you and your partner were able to sit down and define what you both wanted during this extended period together. Imagine if, instead of resenting each other for the things that haven ‘ t been done, you are honest with each other about what you need and you are so happy when those needs are met. Imagine how that would serve to not only heal a relationship but also to give it hope for the future.

I know that for years, my biggest resentment around my ex-husband was that he started projects that he never finished. Our garage was filled with Home Depot bags full of parts that were never actually used. I so wish that I had, even once, spoken up around my struggles with all of those Home Depot bags. If I had asked him directly to finish a project before he started another one, who knows, it might have saved my marriage.

I would encourage you, in this time of isolation, to work on sharing what you both want in a relationship and see if you can work together to give each other those things. If you can do this, instead of repeating old patterns that are tearing you apart, something really good could come from this current crisis – a relationship strong and healthy and a family intact.

Defining relationship expectations can seem kind of contrived and unromantic but doing so can make a huge difference in a couple ‘ s happiness.

But setting expectations, ones that you both are aware of and have agreed to, can go a long way towards healing a damaged relationship and preventing a healthy one from getting damaged.

So be honest, stop the fighting, celebrate taking care of each other and be hopeful for the future.

I know it might seem daunting but you can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want to break up proof your relationship

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

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