What a Healthy Relationship Needs to Stay Healthy

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You have been in a healthy relationship for some time now and everything seems to be going great! And you are reading this because you are wondering what a healthy relationship needs to stay healthy. Good for you!

I believe that there are 7 components of a healthy relationship. Pay attention to these 7 things and safeguard your relationship from the things that can tear you apart.

#1- A healthy relationship needs good communication.

Really, there is nothing more important for a healthy relationship than good communication. Nothing.

It is important that we tell our partners when they aren ‘ t making us feel good. It is important that we tell our partners that they are important to us. It is important that we tell our partners how much we love them.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients find it almost impossible to be honest with their partners about how they are feeling. They are scared of making themselves vulnerable and afraid of the outcome.

Just last night a client was telling me that she felt like all of the hard work that she and her husband had put into saving their marriage was slipping away because he was busy at work and she was lonely. She said she was just going to try to find interests of her own. I suggested that she tell him she was worried that the results of their hard work was slipping away. Be honest with him about how she was feeling.

She did and he got it and they made a plan for time together this weekend. Together.

#2 – A healthy relationship needs just the right amount of sex.

Every happy couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other ‘ s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.

I have a client whose husband wants to have sex EVERY night and, while she really likes having sex with him, every night just doesn ‘ t work for her. She used to just rebuff his advances, which made him feel bad, but on my advice she talked to him about it. She explained how she felt, they agreed that she would be the instigator and that she would instigate often. That worked for both of them and they are happy.

So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.

Sounds fun, right?

#3 – A healthy relationship needs some inside jokes.

What really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.

Happy couples are like a little islands unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities but they also have things that they only share with each other. Inside jokes.

Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father in law says something, something that he ALWAYS says and that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.

Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can ‘ t be beat for keeping couples close.

#4 – A healthy relationship means keeping promises.

Promises. They are usually made with such good intentions but when they are broken there can be disastrous consequences.

Promises have to do with trust. If you make a promise and don ‘ t keep it then trust is lost. It ‘ s better to not make a promise that you can ‘ t keep then continue to break ones that you do.

I have a client whose boyfriend kept promising her that she could meet his kids. And yet every time a meeting was set up there was always an excuse about why it couldn ‘ t happen.

Eventually she stopped wanting to meet his kids, and, ultimately, she stopped wanting to be with him.

Her trust in him had been lost. And without trust what is there?

Make your promises carefully. Remember how important they are for maintaining trust. And love.

#5 – A healthy relationship means not taking each other for granted.

Let me state that one again.Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

When we first fall in love our attention is completely focused on that one person. But as time goes by we get distracted by life and we can start to neglect the one we love. We know they are there, and we assume that they will always be there, so we stop tending the relationship. And the consequences can again be disastrous.

This I can tell you from personal experience. My husband, no matter how awful I was to him, always promised me that he would never leave me. I didn ‘ t mean to but because of this I took him for granted and while I planned to make changes to my behavior I never quite made it happen.

And, guess what. He left me.

So pay attention to that person in bed next to you. One day they just might be gone and where would you be then?

#6 – A healthy relationship needs quality time and shared interests.

Yes, we are all busy, with lots on our mind and all sorts of pressures. But it is important that you take the time to have quality time with your partner. Time that is spent together doing things that you both love.

In my marriage we divided and conquered. My ex-husband worked hard and I took care of the kids. Any free time we had we spent focused on the family. We had nothing left that was just us. As a result, we stopped being the two of us in a relationship but being two of us working parallel to each other, raising our children, managing the business of our family.

So find something that you both like to do together and do it. REGULARLY. Don ‘ t let that love slip away in the hustle and bustle of life.

#7 – A healthy relationship means making your partner a priority.

Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.

And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize, when you no longer have a partner, is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don ‘ t have a partner.

So make your partner your priority. Every day.

Work is important but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15 mile run? Go for it but if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it. A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. Movie negotiable. The phone? Put it down.

Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, good will, sex, happiness. Arguably more life enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect score on their SAT.

100 years ago the author George Sands said: There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved.

No truer words have ever been spoken. Love is what makes the world go round and it is important that we recognize that and take action to preserve it, no matter what. That we do what needs to be done to keep a healthy relationship healthy.

So pick up the phone, call your person, tell them you love them, make them laugh and invite them out to do something fun.

Do it now. Don ‘ t wait!

5 Signs Your Depression Is Getting Serious And It’s Time To Get Help

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For some time now you have been feeling really sad. Not yourself. And you aren’t enjoying your life. Do you feel like your depression is getting serious?

Your friends are telling you that it will pass. To snap out of it. But you are wondering if you can. You are wondering if maybe you are clinically depressed.

There are ways to tell…

#1 – Your depression is getting serious if you can’t get out of bed or off the couch.

How much time do you spend on the couch or in bed? You aren’t necessarily tired but the prospect of getting up is just too daunting to face. So you stay horizontal all day, watching Netflix and feeling like a loser.

This habit is a significant indicator of depression. People who have been diagnosed with depression tell of the great lengths they go to stay out of bed. Of stripping the sheets, taking the mattress off of the box spring and leaning it against the wall, locking the bedroom door. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and wallowing in their depression.

#2 -Your depression is getting serious if you have no interest in the things you love.

Have you lost interest in doing the things that you have always loved?

Does the idea of going to school or seeing friends or going out to dinner just seem like too much to bear?

People who are depressed isolate themselves. The energy that it takes to get out of bed and interact with others is overwhelming. So they don’t.

Ironically, going out and doing the things that you love is a great way to alleviate depression temporarily. Unfortunately the treatment can often seem too daunting to undertake and so people who are depressed just stay home.

#3 -Your depression is getting serious if you have overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and dread.

Do you spend much of your time running all sorts of negative thoughts through your head about how horrible your life is? What a loser you are and how no one will ever love you? Are you 100% confident that this will never change?

People who are depressed believe that all of the negative thoughts that run through their head. Unfortunately they also believe, falsely, that it will always be this way!

The truth is is that when one is depressed things can only seem hopeless because when one ‘ s mind is in such a bad place it ‘ s impossible to believe that the future will be any different.

The good news is that once the depression is addressed that feeling of hopelessness can disappear completely!

#4 – Your depression is getting serious if you are impatient with those you love.

Do you find yourself losing your patience with those you love? Do you scream at your kids if their homework doesn’t get done? Do you sneer at your husband if he asks you what is wrong? Can you not even talk to your mom anymore because her incessant questioning is just too much?

Impatience with those you love is a huge indicator of depression. The sense of the hopelessness that our condition will never change and that we are worthless makes it intolerable for us to interact with others, particularly those who love us and want the best for us.

Ironically, it is that love exactly that we need most in our life when we suffer from depression. Pushing that love away ultimately can make the depression worse.

#5 – Your depression is getting serious if your appetite has changed.

Have you found that recently your appetite has changed? Do you find yourself indulging more than usual in Ben and Jerry ‘ s and Oreos? Or do you find that you have no taste for food at all? Have you lost weight and find yourself listless because you aren’t eating?

Changes in eating patterns can indicate depression. When depression goes untreated we can self medicate with food, often to one extreme or another. Which is not healthy and can make it all worse.

Or course, eating well is an important part of dealing with depression. And failing to do so only makes the feelings of hopelessness and despair worse.

Depression gets worse the longer it goes untreated.

Unfortunately we hate to admit to being depressed because our loved ones, and society as a whole, tend to stigmatize those with depression.

So, ask yourself if you have any of the symptoms above. If you do, seek professional help immediately. Call your primary care provider and tell her exactly how you have been feeling, using this article as a reference if you like.

Treating depression is easy. Living with it is not.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with depression.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Article previously published on Your Tango.com.

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

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You have been considering life coaching because you have heard that it can change your life. You have might have been in therapy for years and, while it has helped you very much, you know that you are still stuck in many ways.

So now you are considering life coaching and you want to know more.

Let me help!

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

#1 – If therapy is like archeology, life coaching is like architecture.

A wise person once told me that therapy is like archeology. You dig deep into your history and try to sort through what you find to figure yourself out.

In life coaching one takes what one already has, the stuff learned from therapy and the realities that are your life today, and builds on that. You learn how to live fully with all that you carry with you, to shed what you can and to move forward confidently.

While therapy and life coaching both have their benefits, with life coaching you can be sure that you will be doing more than just talking. You will be defining and taking radical, exciting and fun steps to change your life, and your future, right away.

#2 – In life coaching you will learn to identify EXACTLY what it is you want.

The thing about life is that we know when something is missing. When we aren ‘ t happy or fulfilled. The key to change is identifying what exactly is that missing thing.

One of my clients knew that she just wasn ‘ t happy in her marriage. Her husband worked hard, they didn ‘ t argue, was a good father etc. She just wasn ‘ t satisfied. We talked it through and she realized that what was missing was the thing that she needed most to feel loved – communication. Simply talking. About life and stuff and issues. Just talking.

Once we identified what she needed we could make a plan for how to get it.

#3 – In life coaching we will create a step-by-step plan to get what you want.

Once we identified that my client needed more communication in her life we addressed how she could get it.

It wasn ‘ t so simple for my client to just ask for it. She wanted her husband to be the one that initiated it. We talked about whether he had the capacity to do that. To initiate. Some people just don ‘ t. After some thought she realized that he probably didn ‘ t and that she was going to have to make the first move.

She decided, after some conversation with me, that she would ask that they could schedule in some time every day to talk and to put it on the calendar. If it was on the calendar he would initiate, that she knew.

So that ‘ s what she did. And their marriage improved. Sometimes it ‘ s just as easy as that.

#4 – In life coaching you will be held accountable.

Accountability is an essential part of successful life coaching.

When my client sets a goal I am there on the sidelines to make sure it happens. And how do I do that? Pestering and holding her accountable.

I had a client who decided she needed to walk 3 days a week. I knew that if she walked three days a week for 6 weeks she would be able to make it a habit and therefore stick to it. She knew that in the past she had dropped her goal within a week or so and she didn ‘ t want to do that again.

So, for 6 weeks, I would text my client every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to see if she had walked. If she didn ‘ t she would have to confess to it. And she didn ‘ t want to have to do that.

It ‘ s been 6 months and my client is up to 4 days a week and she is feeling great. She says that having my encouragement, and pestering, made all the difference.

#5 – In life coaching you will feel and see tangible results quickly.

Speedy results! This is the wonderful thing about life coaching. You don ‘ t have to wait months and months to see change. Change happens as quickly as you want to make it happen. It relies almost exclusively on you and the work that you are willing to do.

When you identify issues and create goals to get you there you can make things happen. And life coaching is the vehicle that enables you to do that! And fast!

So there you go. 5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy.

Life coaching truly is life changing. And that life change can be yours right now if you reach out to a life coach (like me!) who can help you identify exactly what you want, help you create a path to get there and hold you accountable for making it happen.

Imagine what it would feel like to finally change that thing in your life that is holding you back.

You can do it!

How To Show Your Kids You Love Them Without Using Your Words

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We all love our kids. From the moment they are born we swear that we will do everything in our power to protect them and give them a good life. But sometimes it’s hard to know how to show your kids you love them other than by telling them so.

Unfortunately, our lives and our lived experiences can get in the way and we don ‘ t always do the best we can by our kids.

There are a few things that we can do, every day, that will let our kids know that we love them, even if it isn ‘ t that obvious to them.

#1 – Listen to them.

When my kids were growing up they and all of their friends spent a ton of time at our house. I always thought it was because of my amazing chocolate chip cookies but I have since learned that they liked to spend time there because I actually listened to them.

Our kids have a lot to say but we often don ‘ t listen. We are so caught up in our own lives and our own assumptions about what they are saying that we don ‘ t actually LISTEN to the words that come out of their mouths.

Yes, a lot of nothing can come out of our kid’s mouths but if you aren ‘ t truly listening you could miss that little morsel, the thing that comes out that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

So put down your phone and listen to your kids. Today.

#2 – Let them be kids.

Remember when we were young? Our parents used to send us out the back door after breakfast and tell us not to come home until luncheon. We used to walk to school. We used to have play dates in the afternoon. We got dirty and made messes and had a whole lot of fun.

Today ‘ s kids are over protected and over scheduled. As a result they are stressed out little versions of their parents. And they become stressed out adults soon after.

Give your kids some space and some time. Let them know what it is like to have nothing to do and time to fill. Let them bike to a friend ‘ s house so they don ‘ t live in fear. Let them scrape their knee and get up and keep on playing.

Being an adult is really hard. Let them be kids for as long as you can.

#3 – Be the grown up.

One thing I see more than anything in my work is parents who act like children around their children.

What do I mean by this?

I have a client whose child is very difficult. She is rude and acts out and is generally very hard to be around. Instead of understanding that her child is really struggling in the world, my client takes her child ‘ s behavior personally. Instead of recognizing, with her adult brain, that her child is struggling and needs her support, she snaps back in the same way she was just snapped at.

All of this snapping just makes the situation worse. And her child has learned that she can ‘ t rely on her mother to help or support her in any way.

Imagine if, instead, my client was able to react to her daughter’s behavior in a less personal manner. If she stayed calm and empathized and listened and hugged. Instead of ratcheting up her daughter’s behavior, she was able to soothe it and calm her. How much better would that be for everyone?

So be the grown up. Know that your child is young and inexperienced and needs a guiding hand. The guiding hand of their parent.

#4 – Embrace your kids’ dreams.

Soon after I graduated from college my father took me shopping for job interview clothing. We bought a fabulous suit (this was the 80 ‘ s) and then went out for lunch.

Halfway through our bottle of wine, I was prattling on about the dream I had about my life. The exciting things that I would do. I was young and the world was my oyster.

What did my dad say in response to my dreams? I think you are going to have a really average life. That is what my dad said.

35 years later I still remember what he said that day. And I would be lying if what he said doesn ‘ t reverberate in my head with every new life choice I make, if the words that my father said to me didn’t affect my belief in myself.

So embrace your kids’ dreams. Even if they seem out of reach to your adult mind, encourage them to dream. To want to make the most out of their life. Knowing they have their parents support is the best motivator any kid could have.

#5 – Make your kids the priority.

One thing that my kids know, and have always known, is that if they need me I will move heaven and earth to be there for them.

At times making them a priority has interfered with my life. I stayed home with them instead of pursuing a career so that they would always know I would be there for them. I neglected my marriage so that I could be there for them. I have walked away from men who weren ‘ t a good fit with my kids for them.

But I know that in this scary, scary world my kids know, to their very core, that they have one person they can always rely on to be there for them. And as a result they feel safe.

What a gift that is. To always feel safe.

Of course you love your kids. Even the most absent parent still loves their kids. But the single most important, most formative relationship one has in one ‘ s life is the relationship with a parent. Treat it that way.

So show you kids your love them in more ways than one. Listen to them, let them be kids, support them and prioritize them. If you do so you will set them up to be happy, healthy, well adjusted and fully loved grown ups. And what a gift that will be.

Oh. One more thing. Buy them a bike. Every kid needs a bike ‘ ¦.

 

 

5 Things To Stop Doing If You Are Battling Depression

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Are you feeling hopeless and full of despair? Do you question everything about the life you are living? Your career or your relationships? Is the prospect of taking even one step out the door just more than you can bear right now?

If you said yes to any or all of these questions you are most likely depressed. And being depressed sucks.

I know. I have lived with depression for 52 years.

Depression can be a chemical imbalance in your body but it can also be the result of something going on in your life. Either way, there are things to stop doing if you are battling depression.

#1 – Stop lying around!

The number one symptom of depression is the inability to get out of bed. The number on thing to stop doing if you are battling depression is to get out of bed.

The comfort of our cozy beds, and the escape of sleep, is hard to resist when we are struggling with depression. We are super-comfortable and in our beds we don ‘ t have to deal with anything. And our dreams are far better than our realities.

Even so, GET OUT OF BED.

The problem with staying in bed is that ruminating on how bad you are feeling is the worst way to deal with depression. And that is what you will do during your awake times. Also, the more time you spend in bed the less energy you will have to deal with life and your emotions when you have to.

So, do what you can to make your bed a less appealing place. Take your mattress off its box spring and lean it against the wall. Remove your sheets and comforter first thing in the morning. Keep your window shades open and your room bright. What ever it takes to get you out of bed and keep you out.

#2 – Stop beating yourself up.

Being depressed is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Whether you are chemically depressed or depressed because of a life situation, your depression is not your fault. Your depression is directly caused by something out of your control.

Blaming yourself for your depression, and beating yourself up about it, will only intensify the depth and length of your sadness.

So take a moment and consider the reason why you are feeling depressed. Is it because your boyfriend broke up with you or is it something that just happens to you sometimes?

Either way, it ‘ s not your fault. So let the blame go.

#3 – Stop drinking and doing drugs.

I know. Drinking and drugs will make your depression magically disappear. A night out with the girls, with some wine and dancing, will make you feel like 100 bucks.

And then, the next morning, you will feel more depressed than ever. Probably even worse.

Alcohol and drugs are depressants – they cause depression. So avoid them at all costs.

Try ice cream instead!

Looking for help dealing with your depression? Reach out and I can help!

#4 – Stop isolating yourself.

Yes, the tendency to stay home, in our beds, watching Netflix and ruminating about how horrible our lives are is very tempting when we are depressed. But DON ‘ T DO IT.

Getting out of the house and doing things is the key to managing your depression. Actually doing something, like taking a hike or going to the grocery store, will go a long way towards alleviating your depression, even if only for a bit.

Interacting with people while doing something is even better. Spending time with others, smiling, talking, sharing, is a very effective way to ease your depression. The act of smiling has actually been proven to ease sadness. Being with people will take your mind off of how sad you are which can be a huge relief.

So, after the next NetFlix episode, make a plan and get out there and do something. It doesn ‘ t have to be anything big but do something.

Don ‘ t let that depression get the best of you!

#5 – Stop being silent.

For many of us, being depressed is an embarrassing thing. Society has imposed such a stigma on depression that people are hesitant to share when they are feeling sad.

Share away. Talk to a friend, a relative, your doctor. Tell them how you are feeling. Don ‘ t expect them to fix you but do let them know that you are struggling with your feelings right now.

Sharing emotions is an excellent way to manage them. Sharing allows an energetic release from the body and it gives you an opportunity to have others help and support you.

So don ‘ t be embarrassed by how you are feeling. It is not your fault. Reach out to friends for love and support. You will be glad you did.

Depression is a horrible thing to have to manage. For me it feels like I am carrying around a 100lb gorilla on my back. Even taking one step seems like more than I can bear.

If you are looking for things to stop doing if you are battling depression, listen to me. I know that if I do take that step, if I get out of bed, take care of myself and interact with people, that 100lb gorilla will get lighter, that I will get some relief.

So do it. GET OUT OF BED NOW and get started!

Are you struggling with depression?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

6 SHOCKING Things Men Want From Women, As Told When I Asked

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Recently I asked a number of male friends what things men want from women, other than tons of sex. Without exception, they precluded their responses with If the answer can ‘ t be about sex then I want ‘ ¦.

Their answers surprised me so I am sharing them with you.

#1 – No sex is okay.

Interestingly, while lots of sex was theme for all of the guys, the option of NO sex was important as well.

Men love to have sex but they also want to feel confident that they can tell their partner that they can ‘ t or don ‘ t want to have sex and that it will be okay.

While to us women that might seem like not a big deal, to many men it is because so much of their identity is tied up in their sexuality.

So accept that sometimes your man can just say NO. Perhaps he will rub your feet instead ‘ ¦

#2 – Cease the Mission Creep.

Mission Creep? This is a term that I had never heard of before but all of my guys knew exactly what it was when I asked them.

The definition of Mission Creep: a gradual shift in objectives during the course of a military campaign, often resulting in an unplanned long-term commitment.

As applied to relationships, mission creep points to the shift that happens over time where a man is obliged to do whatever his woman wants. Dinner with her parents instead of a night out with the guys. Hanging out with her friends instead of his because she thinks they are bozos. No more martinis because they make him act stupid.

Rules. Rules that didn ‘ t exist at the start of the relationship but crept in slowly.

The solution, as suggested by a man: 1. Manage the mission creep so that you are both happy with how things are going. 2. Give your man one weekend a month where he can do anything he wants (mostly).

Be honest with yourself. Is there mission creep in your relationship? If so, make a plan to change!

#3 – Remind him that he is special.

Our lives are chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting. At the end of the day who wants to put out any more energy than is necessary?

But think about it. Think about how amazing it would feel for your partner to bring you flowers or plan a night out or tell you that you are beautiful. Pretty amazing, right?

So do the same for your partner. One guy’s idea: Plan a weekend away. Arrange and pay for the room. Schedule something that I would want to do with you. Make it special for him.

Another guy said: Ask if I would like a beer. Or if I would like to sit and watch a movie with them. Or make me something to eat. Something that shows they are tuned into the smaller things in life that make me happy.

You get the idea. Run with it!

Want to talk more about men and relationships? Let’s do it!

#4 – Let him be friends with girls.

This one is straightforward. Your guy had girl friends before you met him. They were his friends and he never slept with them or wanted a romantic relationship with them because they were his FRIENDS.

Why, if he is in a happy, committed relationship with you, would he want anything more from them now?

So trust him. Let him be friends with girls. You like being friends with girls because they are fun and willing to go deep and be thoughtful. Let him have girl friends who he can be himself with, where he has nothing to prove.

#5 – Think before you react.

One of my guys, one who I thought was not the kind of guy to do what he suggested, said the following:

Take a minute or two of contemplation to respond to a comment that might strike them as negative and discuss their feelings rather than jump to conclusions which get internalized.

This makes sense. And it ‘ s incredibly difficult. To try to pause before you react, to understand where his statement is coming from so you can respond in a way that is productive and respectful.

Good advice. I was obviously wrong about this guy.

He finished the text with: then agree to get laid like the world is ending.

#6 – Walk around naked, dammit.

This guy’s response was so perfect that I am going to let him say it.

It ‘ s that simple. Walk around naked. And if it feels better to walk around in your underpants or underwear, then okay, a little mystery is good too.

Need the garden edged? Prune the apple trees? Just call me when you’re wearing little-to-nothing.

We like your dimples, your rumples and, no matter what you might think, we find all of you sexy.

Okay…so that’s pretty simple. Get naked. Just as simple as taking off a few clothes when you do chores or hang out on the porch in your bikini. Yeah, that polka dot one….we LOVE it.

And it ‘ s really not about sex. We just love you naked. You know that old joke: How to please a woman? A very long list follows. Flowers, dinner reservations, pay attention, listen, etc….How to please a man: show up naked, bring beer.

Enough said.

We all, men and women both, love being in a relationship. And we women usually know exactly what we want and our men do their best to provide those things for us.

But, so things don ‘ t get lopsided, it ‘ s important that we women know the things that men want from women.

So pay attention. Listen to what your guys wants and do it! See what happens.

I am guessing you will be happy you did….

Do youwantto know more about men and what they want in relationships?
Let me help you before not knowing damages your relationship!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Super Effective Ways to Survive a Broken Heart

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I remember so well the first time I needed effective ways to survive a broken heart.

It was 9th grade and Bobby Fortunato, the guy of my dreams, had just broken up with me. We had been going out for two whole weeks. My mom took pity on me and let me stay home in bed and eat jello. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Truly, there might be nothing worse than a broken heart. The pain, both in your heart and in your head, is almost unbearable. The end of a relationship is like a death ‘ ¦ you grieve for your loss and you feel a huge emptiness, one that you are sure you will never again be able to fill.

I am here to tell you there are ways to get through your grief not only intact but even better than you were before.

#1 – Shut down the pain.

Most likely your body is in physical pain, the result of psychological suffering. And the most likely center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless and makes you feel like you are going to die. That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that you are less than, that you will never love again, that you will be alone, that you are unlovable.

That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts. Not so helpful, right? There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first: talk back to that brain of yours.

Tell it that it is being ridiculous. That you are amazing, that this loss will only create new opportunities, that you aren ‘ t now, nor ever will you be, alone. It ‘ s not easy but you can do it.

Say those words OUT LOUD. Speaking words out loud, instead of keeping them in our head, releases the words into the world energetically which makes them more powerful.

Try it. It’s true.

The second: remember to breathe.

Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 4. This kind of breathing will actually calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Manage your media.

This is a key element in grief management. You have music, you have video, you have social media. USE THEM FOR GOOD. They will get you out of your head and inspire you to be powerful.

I make a playlist when I am going through hard times. The songs are about empowerment, about survival, about living life fully. They go on my I-phone and then get played in my car as I go about my day. And yes, I sing along. Loudly.

Movies work the same way. There are so many movies out there about overcoming the odds, getting through hard times and emerging better than before. Find them. Watch them. Be inspired by them. Even cry with them (yes, crying is okay. even good. sometimes great. but don ‘ t wallow).

Be careful with social media. Yes, it is a great tool for feeling connected and distracted but if you have a tendency to stalk, and it causes you pain, then tread lightly. YouTube might be better than Facebook ‘ ¦or so my teenage daughter tells me.

#3 – Do Good.

Nothing feels better than helping out someone in need.

Helping out someone else while you are at your lowest feels even better, believe it or not. When you are grieving it is really easy to turn inside yourself, to feel like you are in the worst place a person could be. And while where you are does suck, there are others out there who are as just as bad off or worse. And by helping them you are also helping yourself.

There are plenty of ways to help out. You can help an elderly neighbor mow their lawn, you can volunteer at a library and help children learn to read. Hospitals are always in need of people to help in a variety of capacities. I worked in palliative care for a while. Boy, did that give me some perspective and appreciation of the life I was living.

Pick one. Do it. See how good it makes you feel and make someone else feel better in the process.

Want to talk more about fixing your broken heart? Let’s do it!

#4 – Get hot.

Yes, you read that right. Get hot.

Exercise is one of the best ways to manage grief. During exercise your body produces endorphins and endorphins actually make you feel better.

And, as a side benefit, exercise also gets you in shape. Imagine having the body that you have always wanted – you know what body I am talking about. Now is the time to get it.

Start exercising to help manage your grief and use it to get in great shape and to feel better about yourself. And, while it ‘ s not about revenge, let your ex eat his heart out when next he sees you!

#5 – Don’t stop believing in love.

Yes, right now your heart is broken. You just can ‘ t imagine being able to get through this day or the next. You know that you will never love or be loved again. Sigh.

No! You have to believe. You have to believe that your great love is out there. That you are more than a little loveable and that what you are going through is only temporary. Think about what you want and work on truly believing that you will get it. And then take the steps to do so.

You can do it! And, if you are feeling hot and full of self confidence from all that exercise and surviving your grief, imagine what that special someone will think when they first lay eyes on you. WOW! Now that ‘ s a great place for your pesky brain to go, don ‘ t you think?

Your world seems like it is over but it ‘ s not.

Use my effective ways to survive a broken heart will not only get through today and tomorrow in one piece but you will build the strength of body and character that will ultimately help you achieve your dreams and find the love of your life.

If you have read this far you must really trying to get over a broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Questions to Ask Yourself If You are Unhappy

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Being unhappy is horrible. It can take over your life and suck all that is good and joyful out of it. None of us want to be unhappy but many of us are.

One thing many of us don ‘ t ask ourselves is why we are unhappy. We have a vague understanding that our lives are not what we hoped they would be but we don ‘ t know specifically why.

In an effort to help you identify what specifically is making you unhappy I have five questions for you. Answer them in terms of your own life and you will get the answers you are looking for.

#1 – Are you proud of the choices you are making?

All of us having internal guiding principles that are important to us, things like the importance of trust or honesty or loyalty. These guiding principles light our path to living our best life but unfortunately they can get lost as life happens.

Do you know what your guiding principles are and are your living them?

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. He made her deliriously happy, or so she told herself. But still she didn ‘ t feel good about her life and she didn ‘ t know why.

I asked her what her guiding principles were – what was most important to her in a relationship?

After some thought and discussion she realized that the truth was of paramount importance to her. And that nothing about her relationship with the married man was based on truth.

‘ Are you able to live with that? ‘ I asked. ‘ And be happy? ‘

The answer was no and she soon moved on. On into a relationship that was based on truth and trust and she is happy.

#2 – Is your relationship making your heart sing?

Our romantic relationships are very important, more important than many of us recognize.

In this modern world we are told that we should be able to take care of ourselves and that to rely on another to bring us some happiness is a sign of weakness.

But this just simply is not true.

Happy committed relationships provide much that is essential to human survival: commitment, communication, touch, sharing, sex, support, laughter, joy, sex. When we have those things our lives are fuller, we are satisfied, we are loved. Other things can bring us down but the foundation of a good relationship helps us when we founder.

Being in a relationship isn ‘ t necessary for happiness but being in a relationship that is toxic puts you on the surest path to being unhappy.

I have a client whose husband was always one of two things: absent or drunk. She wasn ‘ t sure which was worse – his not being in the house or being drunk when he was. What she did know was that it was making her miserable. She was always hoping that things would change but they never did. She was alone in her marriage.

And the rest of her life? It foundered. Her parenting suffered, she stopped eating well and exercising and gained 20 pounds, her work was neglected and her crabbiness made her friends stay away.

What did she do? After much deliberation and overcoming lots of fear, she asked him to stay absent and she is fighting her way back to herself, on the path to living the life of her dreams.

#3 – Do you make a difference in the world?

I know you are going to say that you just don ‘ t have time to volunteer. How could I possibly ask you to do that?

I am not going to ask you to do that. Although if it appeals you should try it. Volunteering makes the world go round.

What I mean by making a difference is asking you how you interact with others in the world. Did you smile at the checkout person at the grocery store? Do you hold doors for other people? Do you refrain from giving the man who cut you off in his BMW the finger? Do you pick up trash that you see in the street?

All of these things contribute to the world in a small way and doing them will make your life a better place as well. The act of smiling at someone will actually make you and the person you smiled at happier. Holding doors for people makes them feel noticed and you made it happen. Not giving someone the finger will allow you not to feel the pain of remorse in the middle of the night. And picking up that trash will literally make the world a more beautiful place.

So make a difference in the world every day. It will make you happier. I promise.

Want some help being happy? Let me help!

#4 – Do you feel healthy and strong?

You know when you go out on a long dock and it ‘ s old and creaky and with each step you wonder if you are going to end up in the water? If you aren ‘ t healthy and strong, like a good dock, you could find yourself drowning before you know it.

Taking care of yourself is the key to a foundation from which happiness can grow. Eat well, but don ‘ t deprive yourself. Exercise, but only so it makes you feel good. Do one thing that makes you happy every day, like a massage or lunch with a friend. Find a life coach, to get the support that you need.

If you feel healthy and strong you will be able to take on whatever life throws at you.

Wouldn ‘ t that feel great?

#5 – Do you challenge yourself?

I know that I have my routines. I get up, walk my dog, do some yoga, work all day, walk my dog again, do errands, have dinner, take a bath and go to bed. Pretty much every day.

As a life coach I know that while routines are good for keeping us on track it is essential to challenge ourselves. Challenging yourself will keep your brain going strong, keep you physically confident and get that adrenaline rushing.

What do I mean by being challenged? It can be anything.

When I got divorced I promised myself that I would start doing all of the things that scared me. I learned how to ride a jet ski (which was awesome), I conquered my fear of driving in the snow (which was convenient), I took up crossword puzzles (which has made me way smarter) and I can now use power tools. Except for a drill.

It ‘ s so hard to imagine now not being able to do those things. Doing them has given me so much more confidence in myself – not only that I can do them but that I challenged myself to overcome my fears and prevailed.

And did I mention that I was way smarter? That makes me happy.

Unhappiness to so many of us is the status quo. We assume that this is the way life is and we must push through it. But it doesn ‘ t have to be this way. Happiness IS possible.

Are you making choices that are feeling good? Are you feeling loved and supported in your relationship? Did you make someone smile today? Is your foundation strong? Did you do something recently that got your adrenaline pumping?

If not, choose one and make it happen.

Happiness is yours for the taking. Today.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with not being happy.
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Be More Productive and CHANGE YOUR LIFE

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Lack of productivity can be very destructive. It can lead to overwhelm, which can be paralyzing, and it can be very demoralizing, which can lead to low self-esteem.

Neither of those things help you live the life of your dreams.

There are a myriad of reasons why my clients seek me out to be their life coach but most often a piece of it is that they need some help with productivity. I am happy to report that without exception those clients who were willing to take on their low productivity reported a dramatic change after just a few weeks of working with me.

Today I am going to share with you the work that I have done with my clients so you can learn about being more productive.

#1 – Identify what it is you want. Precisely.

Many of my clients come to me with an idea of what they want from their life. A new job, a better marriage, improved relations with co-workers, how to move forward in a different way. What many of those clients haven ‘ t done is identify what exactly it is they want. Without that knowledge moving forward is impossible.

I have a client who came to me because she was miserable in her job of 15 years but she just didn ‘ t know what to do. She had tried to make adjustments at work so that she could be happier but to no avail. She was stuck with what to do next. Paralyzed in fact.

I asked her where she would go if she left her job. She had no idea. She knew that she wanted out but she had given no thought to where she would like to jump. And, I asked, how would you get to that new place. Again, my question was met with silence.

The next part was quick and easy. We brainstormed new career paths, ideas that made her heart sing. We then cleaned up her resume to reflect that new job she sought. Next she researched job opportunities and applied for those jobs. Within a few weeks she had some interviews and soon after found the job of her dreams.

All this because she identified precisely where she wanted to go. Without concrete information you are stuck. She was. And then she wasn ‘ t.

#2 – Set goals.

Once you know what it is you want to do it ‘ s time to set goals.

I have a client who had created a website and she had been working on it ‘ s blog for almost a year. She had been tweaking and re-tweaking and then walking away, bored and frustrated, only to eventually come back and tweak it some more.

I asked her how determined she was to get this blog onto her site. Scale of 1-10. 10 she said. So we set a date. A date one month later. She put it on her calendar.

One month later, after years in process, after having set goals with me and making a plan, her blog was up.

Was she proud? Did her self-esteem go through the roof? Yes and yes. Awesome!

#3 – Make a plan.

Having a plan is an essential part of being productive. Without a plan you are stabbing about in the dark.

I have a client who HATED going to the grocery store. HATED it. So she didn ‘ t. As a result she didn ‘ t eat well and always felt weak.

I asked her why she hated the grocery store. She said the noise and the lights were annoying, things were hard to find, she never had time to find recipes of things to make, and she didn ‘ t want to spend the money. All valid reasons.

So we made a plan. First we skipped the recipes. I had her make a list of things that she knew how to cook and of things she liked to eat. She made a list using those things as a basis and I helped her organize her list into groups that related to areas in the grocery store. We made a plan of when she could go, at times when it was less crowded. She also decided to wear her headphones so the noise was less daunting.

Last, but not least, we set a specific date and time. And when she was done shopping she had to call me. And you know what? She did it. She has food. She feels better. And she did it again the next week.

#4 – Have a great calendar and use it wisely.

I had a client who had the most lofty goals but she didn ‘ t believe herself capable of following through on anything. As a result nothing ever got done.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night we made a calendar for her for the week. On it, in red, were the things that she HAD to do. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her checkbook, cleaning out closets, making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency came up and she wasn ‘ t able do a red item then she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn ‘ t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but they could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black were things that tended to get done because they were last minute and she was able to get them done because that ‘ s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would be checking up on her so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks but using her calendar really allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized that she wanted to keep doing this, on her own, because she liked how she felt and she didn ‘ t want to let herself down. So she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find someone to hold you accountable.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don ‘ t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you but more often than not those people will lean towards supporting you, to listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track, both for productivity ‘ s sake and for building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is because of it ‘ s effect on your self-esteem. My clients are always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done, they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

Our lives are crazy, jam packed and exhausting. Not being productive can cause overwhelm, and overwhelm can lead you down a path that makes it all worse.

It doesn ‘ t have to be this way. There are ways to be productive and make one ‘ s life a little less exhausting. As you can see above, my clients prove that it can be done.

You can do it too!

Need more tips on being more productive? Contact me and I can help.

5 Things You Can Do Every Day to Make the World a Better Place

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I would say that, right now, worldwide, people are wishing the world were a better place. War, famine, politics and extreme weather are making the world an increasingly difficult place in which to live.

And I am guessing that most people would like to change our world, if they could, but feel helpless in the face of it all.

Fortunately, there are ways that every person can make a difference in the world. Every day.

#1 – Be kind.

You know when you are having a really bad day and that person in the elevator gives you a smile and says good morning? How does that feel? Great, right?

How about that time the person in front of you at the grocery store was a few dollars short and you offered to pay. Remember the look of gratitude she gave you and how good you felt? Amazing, right?

Imagine if every person in the world did one kind thing every day. The wonderful thing about acts of kindness is that they make everyone feel good. And people who feel good do kind things to other people.

Paying it forward and making the world better, one kindness at a time.

#2 – Don’t litter. Or idle.

I used to live on a dirt country road. It was a road through the woods, lined with a cemetery and dotted with houses. Every morning someone drove down our country road and threw his ripped up lottery tickets and his strawberry milk bottle out of his car window.

Dumping trash has a huge environmental consequence. The dyes from the trash are absorbed by the soil. That toxic soil damages the trees and plants that animals and birds feed from. Drains get clogged, which can cause flooding. Waterways get polluted and kill plant and fish life.

All because of some lottery tickets and strawberry milk.

Last week I was waiting in line to get on a car ferry and almost every single person in that line sat with their car idling. The amount of carbon emissions being released into our atmosphere so that people could stay cool in their air-conditioned cars was staggering.

And at that moment millions of cars around the world were releasing their own emissions, further depleting our ozone layer and causing the scary weather systems that are slowly destroying our planet.

Imagine the positive effect if even half of us turned off our cars while waiting. It would certainly slow the ozone layer depletion, even if only just a bit.

So be aware of how your everyday habits affect our environment. You can literally make the world a better place with just a little awareness.

#3 – Don’t judge.

You know that person who pissed you off today. The one who interrupted a meeting or spilled coffee on you or who was brusque on the phone? Yes, that person.

And how did you react to that person? Did you think What a bitch. Or What a jerk.

It’s important that we NOT judge people because of their actions. You just don’t know what has happened to that person that has made them behave that way.

Perhaps that person who interrupted the meeting had to run home to care for a sick child. Or that person who spilled coffee hadn’t slept well the night before because she was up late worrying about how to pay her taxes.

People are trying to do their best. Life is hard. Cut people some slack and believe that if they could do it differently they would.

#4 – Be helpful.

One of the striking things about living in NYC is how often you see people struggling and how, more often than not, no one reaches out to help. Not maliciously but because people in NYC keep their heads down and mind their own business.

And then you see moments of pure selflessness.

Last week I saw a woman who, when crossing the street, noticed a homeless man behind her, shuffling along. She knew he wouldn’t make it across before the light turned red so she stopped and waved her arms at approaching vehicles. Because she did, cars slowed and the man made it across in one piece.

The homeless man was thankful and I saw passersby take notice of what she had done. I am willing to bet that those passersby did something nice for someone else that night, inspired by what they had seen.

Paying it forward and making the world a better place. Again.

#5 – Put down your phone.

There are so many reasons why putting down your phone will make the world a better place.

If you put down your phone you can stop filling your brain with images of politicians doing stupid things, of violent happenings world wide and people writing nasty things about each other. This will make you happier and more inclined to do one of the recommendations above.

If you put down your phone you might look up and see the moon or an act of kindness or the person you love. You might even see an opportunity that could change your life or make the world a better place.

Put down your phone. Engage in life. Pay attention. Make a difference.

The world we live in is a difficult one. Every day we are faced with issues that suck us dry, individually and collectively. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Make small changes to the ways you interact in the world and, together, we can make the world a better place.

Looking for more ways to change the world? Contact me and I can help.

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