5 Reasons Feeling Insecure in a Relationship is a Red Flag

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Are you feeling insecure in your relationship and wondering if it ‘ s a red flag?

Did you start out feeling confident, but have you, over time, started questioning yourself in the relationship and how and why things are happening the way they are happening?

Do you find yourself doing anything you can to feel more secure in the relationship, to no avail?

If you are feeling insecure in a relationship, there can be many reasons why. Most of them are, I am afraid, red flags, so being aware of that is very important for your future happiness, whether in this relationship or another.

Here are 5 reasons why feeling insecure in a relationship might be a red flag.

#1 -You aren ‘ t being treated well.

Ask yourself this question – are you being treated well in this relationship?

Does your person show up when they say they are going to? Are they honest with you? Do they treat you with respect? Do they include you in activities that they enjoy doing?

If your answer to any of these questions is no, you are not being treated well. And not being treated well can make someone insecure to the extreme, especially if you were being treated well at the beginning of the relationship.

And, needless to say, if you are not being treated well in a relationship, it ‘ s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Don ‘ t try to hold on to how things were in the beginning, trying to believe that if you only try hard enough, or hang around long enough, things can get back to the way they were. The old days are gone. And if you aren ‘ t being treated well, time to get out!

#2 – You are not being yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Are you being your true self in this relationship? Would your friends say that the person you are when you are with your partner is the person you usually are?

Many people who are feeling insecure in a relationship are so because they aren ‘ t being their authentic selves. Instead, they have twisted themselves into a pretzel, trying to be who their person wants them to be. As a result, they know, deep down, that they aren ‘ t themselves and that their partner loves someone else..

I have a client who loved to drink, and when she was with her boyfriend, who was in recovery, she didn ‘ t drink. She said that she was fine with this, but when they weren ‘ t together, she got hammered. And he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with a girl who got hammered. All of this made her feel bad about herself, and ultimately their relationship fell apart.

So, ask yourself if you are being authentic. If you aren ‘ t, you feeling insecure in a relationship might be about that, and it is a huge red flag that your relationship could fail.

#3 – You are ignoring signs.

You know when you see something very clearly but you choose to ignore it because you just don ‘ t want to deal?

Like you know that if you don ‘ t finish this project in time, you might get fired. Or if you don ‘ t apologize to your sister, things are going to get worse? Or if you know that your credit card payment is due so you hide the bill so you don ‘ t have to think about it?

All of those things won ‘ t help you feel good about yourself in any way and usually lead to feelings of insecurity.

It is the same thing in a relationship. For my client, who pretended she didn ‘ t drink when she was with her guy, she was also a pro at ignoring any signs that the relationship wasn ‘ t all that she wanted it to be.

He would say he was coming over and he would be hours late. He wouldn ‘ t answer his phone calls because he was supporting other people. He told her he didn ‘ t want a real relationship but would come over looking for sex anyway.

All of these things made her feel insecure and because she was ignoring them (and not telling me about them), they just got worse.

Ignoring the signs that things aren ‘ t good is a huge red flag that your relationship might be doomed.

#4 – You aren ‘ t listening to your friends.

How many times have you told a friend something, only to have them ignore you and do what they want anyway? Hundreds, right?

Are your friends telling you things right now that you are ignoring? Are they pointing out issues in your relationship that aren ‘ t healthy? Are they pointing out red flags that you are missing? Are they making you feel like your relationship might not be as good as you want it to be?

If you are ignoring your friends, it might be one reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your relationship is healthy, the words of your friends are always buzzing in your head, causing you to question your relationship and feel bad about yourself.

And if your friends are telling you to get the hell out of there, that is definitely a red flag!

#5 – Your life has been thrown off course.

Is your life not what it used to before this relationship began? Have you lost touch with some of your friends? Has your work suffered? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your life has been thrown off course because of the relationship that you are in?

I remember being in a relationship with someone who wouldn ‘ t commit to me. He kept on saying he would, but then he would come and go. It was making me question everything about myself. I couldn ‘ t sleep, my work suffered, and I blew off my friend, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I felt like a shell of the person I was before the relationship. And boy, was I feeling insecure as a result, especially because of the fact that I knew this unhealthy relationship was bringing me down.

So, if your life has been thrown off track by this relationship, pay attention. The insecurity that you are feeling is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.

I know that feeling insecure in a relationship does not feel good.

Relationships should be all about love and friendship and good times, not about being disrespected, not being yourself, losing your friends and your life and ignoring signs that this all indicates toxicity.

Take good stock of the things I talked about above. If there are red flags that you are ignoring in your relationship and they are making you feel insecure, do something about it. Confront it – either with your partner or on your own.

Don ‘ t waste one more minute in a relationship that makes you feel insecure. Life is too short!

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things that Someone Who is Gaslighting You Will Say

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Do your friends tell you that you are in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you but are you not sure if it ‘ s true?

Are you not entirely clear on what gaslighting is and how to spot it?

Let me help.

The definition of gaslighting is ‘ ˜manipulating someone by psychological means into questioning their own sanity. ‘ In other words, a gaslighter will do what they need to do so that you can no longer tell what is true or not, what is right or wrong.

People gaslight for a variety of reasons. They might be narcissistic and refuse to take responsibility for anything. They might have a need to control you. They might want to get something from you and destroying your self esteem, or even your sanity, is the best way to get it. Either way, gaslighting is incredibly destructive.

And many people who are in relationships with someone who is gaslighting them just don ‘ t see it, primarily because they have been manipulated into believing they they are too stupid to recognize anything.

Fortunately, there are a few things that gaslighters almost universally say to their targets. Let me share with you 5 of those things right now so that you can see if you are being gaslit, being convinced that you are out of touch with reality and questioning every choice you make.

#1 – You are always wrong.

Does your person always tell you that you are wrong? If you walked outside and observed that the sky was blue, would your person tell you that you were wrong and that it was red? If you share a memory about your relationship at a dinner party, will your person later tell you that it never happened, that you had made the memory up your head?

This is a classic thing that someone who is gaslighting you will say. Their intention is to make you doubt yourself. To make you question every thing you say and everything you do. By doing so, your person can dominate you, can make you feel that you need them to function in the world.

#2 – You have no friends.

It is a horrible thing to tell someone but this is exactly what someone who is gaslighting you will say. They will tell you over and over that you have no friends.

They will tell you that no one likes you. That you are unlikeable. That people are talking behind your back. That they are your only friend and they only are because they feel sorry for you.

Even if you have friends who show up for you, who you see regularly, a person who is gaslighting you will tell you that those people are pretending to like you, that they are using you for their own purposes, that you shouldn ‘ t trust them.

Why do they do this? They do it because they want to separate you from the people who love you and support you. They want to be the only person in the world who you rely on and trust. By doing so, they can control you, the ultimately goal of gaslighters, really.

#3 – You are worthless.

This a key thing that someone who is trying to gaslight you will say to you. They will tell you over and over that you are worthless.

One of the goals of a gaslighter is to destroy your self-esteem. To do so, they tell you that you are worthless. That you are a bad friend/parent/child/partner. That you aren ‘ t capable of career success. That you aren ‘ t capable of anything.

If you believe yourself worthless, you will start to believe it. And you will need to rely on your person and they will control you. And if you are under their control, you will lose yourself completely, believing every day that you are more and more worthless.

#4 – You can ‘ t see the truth.

I have a client who has a boyfriend who always tells her that she can ‘ t see the truth.

He has been trying to win her back, again, and she is being, finally, very cautious. He reappeared at her door after 6 months, announcing that he loved her, that he wanted to move in with her and get married. He expected her to jump back in his arms. And she didn ‘ t.

Since then, he has vaccillated back and forth between telling her he loves her and blaming her for the fact that they aren ‘ t back together. ‘ ˜I jumped back in, ‘ he says. ‘ ˜If you really loved me, you would have done the same. ‘

I have to reassure her regularly that the truth of the matter is is that she is being careful. His declaration of love is something that he does to pull her back in and then he walks away again. She has let him do that before, because she does love him, but she is not going to do it again.

Even so, because he is a gaslighter, she is constantly struggling to see the truth in the situation.

#5 – Everything is your fault.

Does your person always tell you that you are at fault?

If he comes home drunk, does he blame you for driving him to drink? If she run up the credit card, does she say it ‘ s because you are never home? Is a dinner that was burnt because you had to do something for them your fault?

Someone who is gaslighting you is someone who will take no responsibility for the dynamic between the two of you. Everything will be your fault. Not only does that obsolve them from any responsibility it will also continue to undermine your belief that you are worthless and unloveable.

Knowing what someone who is gaslighting you will say is the key to preventing, or stopping it, from happening.

If you are with someone who tells you are always wrong, who tells you are friendless and worthless, who makes you doubt yourself in every way, then, most likely you are with someone who is gaslighting you.

You may or may not recognize why this is happening to you but it is important that you not trust what this person is saying and doing and that you get away from them as soon as possible. Reach out to people who love you to help you escape from this person so that you can keep your sanity and have a happy life.

Why You are Feeling Angry After a Break Up, Even if it was Mutual

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Are you feeling angry after a breakup, even if it was mutual?

Were you in a relationship that you knew was doomed, and are you relieved that it is over but still angry for some unknown reason?

It makes sense. This happens to a lot of us at the end of a relationship for so many reasons.

5 Reasons Behind Anger After A Breakup:

#1 – Unanswered Questions.

Are there things that happened in the relationship that you don ‘ t understand? Did something happen that changed the way you thought about things? Were you scared to ask questions, or, if you did, were they left unanswered?

Unanswered questions can really be anger-inducing.

I have a client whose relationship had just ended. They realized that they just had too many issues and that it wasn ‘ t going to work out. He is angry, though, because he has some questions about what happened with his girlfriend ‘ s ex over the course of their relationship.

He has a feeling that his girlfriend was talking to her ex the whole time they were dating, but he wasn ‘ t sure. It was part of what caused the disintegration of the relationship, his suspicions and her denials, although it wasn ‘ t the whole thing. Now that the relationship is over, he is left wondering if she had been lying the whole time. And that pisses him off.

So, if you have unanswered questions, that might be one reason why you are feeling angry after a breakup.

#2 – Things left unsaid.

Similar to unanswered questions, things being left unsaid can be a huge reason why we hold onto anger after a breakup.

I remember when I broke up with a guy I had been seeing for two years. It was a toxic relationship, and the only way that I could finally get away was by going ‘ ˜no contact ‘ and blocking him everywhere. We never had that ‘ ˜last talk, ‘ the talk where I could express the anger, frustration and disappointment that I was feeling. He knew that I felt those things, but I wasn ‘ t sure if he really understood.

I held onto my anger for a long time, longer than I should have, imagining the conversation that could have happened, but didn ‘ t.

#3 – Disappointment.

When we fall in love we are so excited. We have met someone who fits our needs in so many ways, and we dive in, sure that this time it ‘ s going to work out. And then it doesn ‘ t.

One of the reasons that we are angry is that we are disappointed. Disappointed in ourselves for the part that we played in the demise of the relationship, at our ex, for their part in the demise of the relationship, and that the relationship didn ‘ t work out the way we had hoped and dreamed it would.

Disappointment can breed deep anger. Life is so hard and when we are let down, it can be hard to let go of. Ironically, we tend to stay angriest at ourselves when we are disappointed – we tend to blame ourselves for not holding things together and for sabotaging our future happiness.

So, take stock. Are you disappointed in yourself, your ex or the loss of your dreams for the future? If yes, then that might be why you are still holding on to the anger.

#4 – Dating.

When I am talking to clients about initiating a breakup, the #1 reason they often don ‘ t want to break up with someone is because they don ‘ t want to start dating again.

The prospect of going back online, of having random conversations, and even more random dates, having to dress up and be charming and kiss a lot of frogs with no certainty that they will find the right person, is completely daunting. And it pisses them off.

If you are angry that you have to start dating again, I get it. It is exhausting. But I can promise you that, unless you put yourself out there in some way, you won ‘ t find the person you have been looking for.

And they are out there, waiting for you. I promise.

#5 – Other people ‘ s opinions.

Be honest. Are your friends trashing talking about your ex? Are they saying that he was never good enough for you? Is your mother saying that she never liked him, your dad saying that she wasn ‘ t pretty enough? Are your co-workers happy that you aren ‘ t dating her anymore because you are now free to go out with them after work?

Other people ‘ s opinions can play a very large part in why you are feeling angry after a break up, even if it was mutual.

People like to stoke fires, to create drama, to trash talk people who might have caused someone they love pain. As a result, they might say things that will rile you up a bit, that might make you question your ex ‘ s actions and motivations and the things that you did to encourage it.

Spending any time at all rehashing what happened can take you right down that anger trail, even if you know that the break-up was the best thing that could have happened to you.

So, stop listening to others who trash-mouth your ex or your relationship. Better yet, shut them down and move on.

Feeling angry after a breakup, even if it was mutual, is not unusual.

Emotions are interesting things and surprise us at every turn. Who would have thought that the emotion that manifested after a mutual break-up would be anger?

Do you have unanswered questions or things that were left unsaid? Are you disappointed that the relationship ended, and are your friends dissing you? Are you looking out into the world of dating with despair?

All of those things can lead to anger but know that the anger will pass. It will pass quicker if you take stock of the things that I discussed above, but it will, with time, fade into something that you don ‘ t have to think about any more.

Life will go on. And you will be happy. I promise!

5 Reasons You Might be Holding on to a Toxic Relationship

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Holding on to a toxic relationship instead of letting go is, more often than not, the norm.

The strength that it takes to walk away from any relationship, much less a toxic one, is huge and the fear of the pain that we might feel even worse.

If you want to find the strength to stop holding on to a toxic relationship, it ‘ s important to understand why we are holding on – what is motivating us to not let go and walk away from something that is only making us miserable.

To help you understand, here are 5 reasons you might be holding on to a toxic relationship and ways to push back on the reasons so you can move on.

#1 – Fear of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand, we will NEVER find another person to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold on to the one we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience; there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away, but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are staying in your toxic relationship because you believe that if you leave you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a person out there for you, a person who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#2 – Low self-esteem.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of good love, and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be the lowering of self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittled for any perceived shortcomings and know, deep down, that we aren ‘ t being treated well.

And if we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don ‘ t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#3 – Patterns and habits.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enough how big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our lives. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Those are the patterns that keep us with our toxic loves. We don ‘ t want to let go of them, can ‘ t conceive of life without them, and that keeps us trapped.

Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together gets routine. With my toxic relationship, I would break up with him and then, like clockwork, 8 weeks later he would reach out to me, and before I knew it I was back where I started. I can ‘ t tell you how many times that happened.

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8-week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays. I did.

#4 – Self-blame.

One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years, he has promised to and hasn ‘ t. She is beside herself, and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she truly questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that, everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person is making your life difficult, and while you might play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#5 – You are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your person is like none other? That the intense passion and connection that you share can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble, but while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of your toxic love, then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic.

I did.

Holding on to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain that we will feel if we let go.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life miserable more often than they make you happy?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that for me finally getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something that you can start doing right now!

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

Why am I Feeling Sad All the Time When My Life is Good

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Have you been asking yourself Why am I feeling sad all the time when my life is good?

Do you feel like you have everything that you want in your life but still you feel like you are carrying a hundred pound weight on your back, that you have no interest in anything and that all you want to do is sleep?

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that I used to feel that way all the time. I lived with this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread. I tried to be agood parent but keeping my energy up was close to impossible. I tried to begreat wife but my irritability prevented that from happening. I had a great job but myperformance suffered.

This went on for years. YEARS. I thought that I was managing it, and I was. Until I wasn ‘ t.

One day, when I was 42 years old, I found myself in a closet banging my head against the wall. I had no idea what was going on.

A friend of mine scooped me up off the floor and took me to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with chemical depression. He sent me off with some medication and instructions to follow up with a therapist.

That day changed my life.

I learned that chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease. The way I was feeling was not because of some personal weakness but because my brain chemistry was letting me down. And that, treated, I was going to start enjoying my great life!

If you arefeeling sad all the time then you too could bechemically depressed. This means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes depressive symptoms without something actually being wrong.

So, what do you do if you are feeling sad all the time even if your life is good? I have some suggestions.

#1 – Ask yourself a few questions.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are chemical depressed is to ask yourself some questions. They are:

  • Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
  • Are you more irritable than usual?
  • Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
  • Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
  • Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
  • Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
  • Are you more anxious than you used to be?
  • Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
  • Do you have a hard time focusing?
  • Do you think about committing suicide?
  • Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches.

If you answered yes to any, or all, of these questions you are most likely suffering from chemical depression.

Now, ask yourself if this has happened to you before? How regularly? Does anyone else in your family struggle with depression? Were there any traumatic experiences in your life that might have affected you deeply?

If you answer YES to any of those questions you might be suffering from chemical depression.

If so, what to do next?

#2 – Don ‘ t be embarrassed.

Many people who are diagnosed with chemical depression are embarrassed. Embarrassed that they can ‘ t just ‘ suck it up. ‘ That they might have some kind of personal deficiency that makes them weak in the face of this perceived disease.

Let me tell you – You are not weak. You are not lacking something that others have that make it so that you can ‘ t ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ You are actually incredibly brave for facing this issue head on.

Again, chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease.

Chemical depression is perceived by many in society to be a personal weakness. I mean how can you feel sad all the time when your life is good? Luckily more and more people are speaking up about living with mental illness. More and more people, including many famous people, are being honest about living well with their condition and helping to eliminate the stigma about mental illness.

So, join the celebrities. Don ‘ t be embarrassed. Chemical depression is not something that you could have prevented. But it is something that you can deal with.

#3 – See your primary care doctor immediately.

If you are feeling sad even though your life is good it is important that you reach out to your primary care doctor as soon as possible to tell her about your symptoms. Seeking medical help is key to dealing with depression.

Many primary care physicians are knowledgeable about the treatment of depression and can help you with treatment right away. Some primary care doctors might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you diagnose and manage your depression.

DON ‘ T think that your doctor is going to judge you for your depression. Doctors are trained to take care of people without judgement. If you had a thyroid issue, would you be embarrassed to see your doctor? No.

Don ‘ t let fear that you are going to be judged prevent you from reaching out for help because help is what you need right now to feel better!

#4 – Stick to your treatment.

This is a key part of dealing with chemical depression.

I have a client who saw her doctor because she was feeling sad and the doctor gave her a scrip for an anti-depressant. She took it and, over the course of a month, she started feeling better. After 6 months she was feeling great so she went off it. 3 months later she found herself sad again and wondering why.

I have another client who was prescribed an anti-depressant and it made her tired. Instead of going back to the doctor to see about another option, that client just stopped taking her meds. Without treatment, her depression got worse and her life got more difficult. Eventually, she did go back to the doctor and they got her on something that has made her life a much happier place.

So, stick to your treatment. Continue to take your meds. Just like you would if your doctor had prescribed meds to help you with a thyroid issue. Or diabetes. And if you don ‘ t like the side effects, go back and get something different. There are many treatment options out there for you.

#5 – Surround yourself with people who love you.

Many people who suffer from chemical depression tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Making the effort to spend time with people and to pretend to enjoy themselves is just too much. So, they don ‘ t.

Unfortunately, isolating is one of the worst things that you can do when you are feeling depressed. Staying home, eating ice cream, sleeping and feeling hopeless are not going to help you get past this dark place, as much as doing those things feel great right now.

So, make an effort to get yourself out there and spend time with people who love you. Spending time with people who make you laugh, who keep you out of your head and make you feel good about yourself is very important to managing your clinical depression.

Asking myself why I was feeling sad all the time even though my life was good changed my life.

Once I learned the signs of chemical depression it helped me to understand that it is possible to be depressed even when things are good.

So, ask yourself the questions that I list above. If you find that you answer yes to a lot of the questions, reach out and get some help. Don ‘ t be embarrassed – many people struggle with this and getting help is the brave thing to do.

Also make sure to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you no matter how hard it seems..

You, like millions of other people, can have a full and happy life living withchemical depression. All you need to do is to pick up the phone and call your doctor.

Do it TODAY!

How to Stop Feeling Insecure After Your Spouse Cheated

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Are you feeling insecure after your spouse cheated?

Did the person you swore who love you forever betray you by having an affair?

Has your self-esteem been decimated and do you find yourself circling the drain in more ways than one?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone. Many people suffer from feeling insecure after their partner cheats.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take that will help you manage that insecurity and move forward with your head held high.

#1 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Are you blaming yourself for your partner cheating? Are you feeling like if you were just nicer, or prettier, or more successful, they wouldn ‘ t have cheated? Do you believe that your perceived deficiencies are why your partner was unfaithful?

I can promise you, here and now – you are not at fault for your partner cheating. There are two people in every relationship and, yes, there are often issues that arise between them but that doesn ‘ t mean that people are given a license to cheat.

In a healthy relationship, issues are addressed and put to bed before they become bigger than life.

That being said, you are in the same troubled relationship with your spouse and you didn ‘ t cheat. You were strong enough to keep your vows even as your relationship foundered.

If anything, you are the one who should hold their head high because you acted with integrity instead of cowardice. They did not.

#2 – Face it head on.

Many people who have been cheated on struggle to face what happened head on.

Sometimes they don ‘ t confront their partners, worried that if they do they will get a confirmation that they really don ‘ t want to hear. Sometimes, once they do receive said confirmation, they don ‘ t address it any further, hoping that if they just ignore it it will go away. Sometimes, they don ‘ t tell their friends or family because they are so embarrassed and they hold what happened and their emotions inside.

It is important that, if you are feeling insecure after your spouse cheated, you face it head on. That you talk directly to your partner about what happened, why and how. To ask the questions that you need to ask and process the answers in way that will help you deal with it.

It is also important that you share what has happened with someone you trust. I am not telling you to broadcast what happened to the neighborhood but confiding in a friend or family member will give you a sounding board on which to process.

If you can ‘ t face this directly you will keep all your anger and hurt and fear inside. Any chance of fixing things with your spouse will be impossible because the issue isn ‘ t being addressed. The knowledge that your spouse cheated and that you did nothing to address it will eat you up inside, making you feel more insecure every day.

A strong person who faces adversity head on is not an insecure person. Quite the opposite, indeed.

#3 – Soul search.

In the same way that I suggest that you face what happened head on with your partner, so I encourage you to dig deep and do some soul searching about how you got to this place. How your marriage got to a place where your partner cheated.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetridish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my current relationship I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take some time and do some soul searching. Are you happy with who you are in your relationship? Would doing some work on yourself help you be a better partner (in this relationship or in the next)? Is the life that you are living honestly what you want it to be? Knowing more about yourself will help you stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we learn that a partner cheated, we sink into a very dark place.

Because we have been betrayed by the person who was closest to us, our ability to function in the world can be compromised. And when that happens, the healthy behaviors that we might have practiced in the past can be sabotaged.

Tell me the truth – has your time since you discovered that your partner cheated been filled with exercise and salads or ice cream and binge watching TV? If you answered the second, you are not alone. I have personally spent a lot of time on the couch mourning a betrayal.

It is important that, to stop feeling insecure after your partner cheated, you take care of yourself. That you get exercise, eat well and sleep. That you spend time with people who love you. That you do things in the world that give you joy. That you dig into your job so that you can hold your head up at work well done.

Eating ice cream, sleepless nights and stalking your partner ‘ s lover on Instagram will only cause you pain. Which will lead to more ice cream, weight gain and a plummeting self-esteem.

So, get yourself out there. Take walks with your friends, eat food that makes your body feel strong and spend time with people who know how awesome you are.

The best revenge is being happy and healthy in spite of what your loser partner did.

#5 – Don ‘ t settle.

Are you considering staying with your person after they cheated? Are you worried about the kids or your community or your finances or what your parents might think? Are you staying with your spouse for any reason other than the fact that you love them and truly want things to work out?

If the answer to my question is the first and not the second then I would encourage you to think hard before you make this decision. This is the rest of your life that you are talking about. And life is short and being happy is important.

Imagine waking up every day, for the rest of your life, next to the person you haven ‘ t forgiven and no longer love. Imagine Christmas mornings and weddings and anniversaries spent next to someone you don ‘ t respect. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and making small talk.

Now imagine waking up every day for the rest of your life with someone you love and respect. Imagine Christmases and weddings and anniversaries with someone you can trust. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and feeling a rush of love.

How amazing would that be?

Being in a relationship with someone we love and trust, and who loves and trusts us back, is an excellent way to boost our self-esteem. Seeing how wonderful we are in the eyes of another lifts us up in a way nothing else can.

So, think carefully before you decide next steps. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. Don ‘ t settle!

Working to stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated can be very difficult. You have been betrayed and there is nothing worse in a relationship.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to rebuild your self-esteem after your spouse cheats. First and foremost, don ‘ t blame yourself. You didn ‘ t cheat. Face the infidelity head on instead of burying it deep. Take good care of yourself. Do some soul searching about what you want in life and in relationships and don ‘ t settle. Never settle.

This is a horribly difficult time for you but you can get through it intact and move forward to live the life you want. I promise.

5 Reasons You Can’t Stop Hurting after a Break Up

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The fact that you can’t stop hurting after a break up is natural. But it doesn’t have to last forever!

Are you wondering why you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up?

Are you totally miserable, having a hard time getting past it and wondering why?

If you can ‘ t stop hurting after break up know that you are not alone. Letting go of love is challenging and takes time and good for you for taking the steps to figure out why you are feeling this way so that you can let go of the pain and get on with your life.

While it ‘ s not surprising that you are still hurting because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons why you are still hurting after letting go of love.

#1 – Fear of never being loved again.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and you believe that you will never be happy again. And these feelings are warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your pain comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 – You feel like you wasted so much time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

Furthermore, people who can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up are often preoccupied with the fact that they had to let go of hopes and dreams about this relationship and they rue spending so much time trying to achieve those hopes and dreams that they didn ‘ t see the reality of their unhappy relationship.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – You question who you are in the world.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our pain over the break up worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the pain that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

The fact that you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is causing so much pain, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

7 Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused in Your Relationship

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Are you looking for signs you are being emotionally abused in your relationship? Are you worried that you might be caught up in something that isn ‘ t good for you but you just aren ‘ t sure?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us it is toxic but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of emotional abuse so that you can recognize whether it exists in your relationship and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – One person has all the control.

One big sign that you are being emotionally abused in your relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, there is emotional abuse in your relationship and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#2 – Words hurt instead of help.

A very important part of every healthy relationship is communication. This means talking about feelings and things that need to be done but it ‘ s also about making sure that the other person knows that they are loved and respected.

Does your person talk to you with love and affection or do they lash out at you verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If your partner is repeatedly raising their voice and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you are mostly likely being emotionally abused in your relationship.

#3 – There is no respect.

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the most important, signs of emotional abuse in a relationship is the presence of contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Does your partner speak to you sarcastically? Do they talk about you behind your back? Do they roll their eyes when you try to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how your partner treats you. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then there is emotional abuse in your relationship and you should think about if that is what you want going forward.

#4 – Things get physical.

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

And while many people would say that physical pain isn ‘ t the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, I believe that the psychic damage caused by physical pain shouldn ‘ t be down played.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner has hurt you physically then you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship that you might want to consider leaving.

#5 – There are constant apologies.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of apologies.

Does your person hit you and then apologize? Does your person lash out at you verbally and then say they are sorry but that you just drive them to it? Does your person treat you with contempt and then beg you to forgive them?

People who abuse other people often feel remorse, true remorse, after hurting their partners and they apologize. That remorse doesn ‘ t mean that they aren ‘ t going to display that behavior again just that they feel sorry in the moment. Sooner or later, the abuse will begin anew.

If you find that your world is full of apologies for bad behavior then you might be being emotional abused in your relationship.

#6 – Self-esteem issues develop.

This sign of emotional abuse in a relationship has to do with your personality traits not your partner ‘ s.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Do you believe that you are worthless or stupid or friendless? Do you believe that you are bad at everything that you try to do? Do you believe that you are fat or ugly or undesirable?

Many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship struggle with self-esteem issues, issues that they don ‘ t think are the result of their partner ‘ s behavior but because of some huge deficiency in their character. In fact, most people who are struggling in abusive relationships have lowered self-esteem that is the result of the mistreatment.

So, how is your self-esteem? How was it before you were in this relationship? If you felt better about yourself before this relationship then that is a sure sign that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

#7 – Estrangement.

Another significant sign of emotional abuse in a relationship is that the abused has been estranged from their friends and families.

Many emotional abusers go out of their way to make sure their victims are alienated from their loved ones because doing so gives them more control. As a result, loved ones, and their support, are cut off from their family member which only makes the family member more vulnerable to emotional abuse.

So, take stock of your relationships with your friends and family. Are they not what they used to be? And, if not, why? I know you might believe that any disconnect is all your fault but dig deeper to learn why your relationships are where they are right now.

If you an in an emotionally abusive relationship, don ‘ t forget your friends and family are out there to support you and help you escape!

Knowing the signs of whether you are being emotionally abused in a relationship is a very important part of a building a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the control, the unkindness, the physical pain, the apologies and the estrangement – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

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