When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

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When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

I hate to say it but we have all been there – in a relationship that started out wonderfully, slowly fell apart and then ended. At least, we thought it had ended until our ex called…and then called again…and then called again. Confused, not quite sure where the relationship stands, we fall back into it, hopeful. And then our ex disappears again.

Sound familiar?

If your ex is coming and going, refusing to commit to the relationship but also refusing to let go, it can be almost as devastating at a break up. Instead of ripping the break up band aid off, causing tremendous pain, the band aid is ripped off excruciatingly slowly. Instead of being left devastated but healing, we are left confused and in pain.

It is essential that, if you want to save your sanity and let go of the pain, you must have a clear understanding of what is really happening in the relationship, not one that has been convoluted by your ex’s actions and empty promises.

How to get that clear understanding? By looking out for red flags that are signaling that your relationship is over. They are there – you just have to take notice.

What kind of red flags? Let me share.

#1 – He comes and goes.

Coming and going is the first, and should be brightest, red flag that a relationship is over.

Does your ex show up, sometimes for days or weeks, only to abruptly leave again? Does he avidly engage in text conversations and then disappear? Does he promise that he will be somewhere and then not show up? Does he disappear for days, turning up eventually with empty excuses?

If this is your guy, your relationship is definitely over. Any guy who wants to be in a relationship is someone who will show up. He will want to spend time with you. He will tell you where he is or where he is going. He won’t have to make up excuses for why he disappeared.

A guy who wants to fix a relationship that is broken will show up and work like hell to do so. If your guy isn’t fighting for you, he just isn’t that into you and only comes around when he is bored or horny.

#2 – He doesn’t let you see his phone.

People who are in a healthy relationship let each other see their phones. Of course, privacy is important but so is transparency in a relationship, especially one that is broken and efforts are seemingly being made to fix it.

Why is being allowed to see your ex’s phone important? Because it is a sign of trust, in both directions. Your ex is showing you that he has nothing to hide – that perhaps his efforts to win you back are meaningful. Your ex showing you his phone gives you peace of mind; piece of mind that he isn’t hiding anything from you and that you can trust him.

Don’t let your ex tell you that you should just trust him and that his phone is private. Those are the words of someone who can’t be trusted.

#3 – You catch him in lies.

This is something that happens over and over in relationships that should have ended but didn’t  – lies, both big ones and little ones. And, because we hope to save the relationship, we are willing to accept them without question.

Be honest with yourself –  have you caught your ex in a number of lies? In even one lie? Perhaps its a lie about where he was or who he was with. Perhaps its a lie about why he can’t do something with you. Perhaps it was a lie that he couldn’t afford to pay for something. Perhaps a lie about his life status. Perhaps it was just a lie about the color of the sky – a lie just for lying’s sake.

Catching your ex in a lie is a HUGE red flag that your relationship is over.

red flags relationship is over

#4 – He tells you he is “confused” and “thinking things over.”

If there is one thing that women are really good at it is thinking things over and processing things. We have done it our whole lives and we do it every day.

For men, unfortunately, processing things can be a lot more difficult. And, if they continue to use this as an excuse why they can’t commit to you one way or another, it is a huge red flag.

Now I am not saying that men don’t think things over – of course they do. They weigh the good and bads in a situation and consider what they think their next steps should be and then they take action. So they do process, but they tend to process quicker than women do because their thinking is more black and white.

So, if your ex continues to show up and have sex with you and then disappears for days at a time and uses the excuse that he is still mulling things over, I have to tell you that he just isn’t that into you and while he might not have acknowledged it yet, the relationship is over.

My 28 year old son has been telling me for years that if a guy is “thinking things over” and “confused” it really is code for they are ready to move on. Any guys who is really into a girl knows it and takes action.

#5 – You only ever have sex.

When your ex does reach out and you reconnect do you, more often than not, just have sex?

Sure there might be some food involved and perhaps some small talk but, more often than not, do you just end up in bed? And, unless you are doing something for him, does he tend to disappear pretty quickly after that?

I am afraid that if you and your ex are only having sex, its a huge red flag that your relationship is over.

For women, sex is about connection. When we have sex with our ex we are reconnecting with them, hoping that things might be different this time around. For men, sex is less about connection than about fulfilling a physical need. And, after their needs are met, they can easily move on, leaving their reconnected ex confused and devastated.

So, if you and your ex are only having sex, don’t look at it as a deep connection that only the two of you share but as a red flag that your relationship is most likely nothing more than a physical one.

#6 – Your gut tells you so.

I know, I know. This is a hard one. After all, when our heart is involved, its very hard to listen to our gut. I know – I have been there, more than once.

But it’s very, very important that you try very hard to listen to your gut right now. It is truly your best friend in this situation.

So, be honest with yourself – is one of the reasons that you are reading this article because you know, deep down, that your relationship is over. Is your heart hoping that your gut is wrong so you stay? If you try to ignore your heart for a moment, is your gut screaming “let go”?

The reason that we have a gut is to protect us from danger. It is something we use every day of our lives – when crossing the street, making a decision at work or planning our next steps. Unfortunately, because we want things to turn out differently than the direction that they are currently on, we ignore that danger signal and proceed even though there is risk.

Don’t let this be you! Listen to what your body is telling you.

#7 – He treats you inconsiderately.

When you were first in this relationship, did your ex treat you like a queen. Did they listen to you and show up for you and take care of you and treat you with respect? Is that part of the reason that you fell in love with him?

And, how does he treat you now? Does he listen to you and show up for you and treat you, consistently, with respect? Or has he stopped paying attention and being there for you, except when he needs something?

Be honest – do you see that he is treating you with disrespect but are you remembering the way that it was in the beginning and hoping that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were then, that he will start acting the way he did then.

Well, I am sorry to tell you that things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Even if you were in a healthy relationship, the beginning is just a phase in a relationship and it will never return once its over.

It is important that you know that, if you are going to be in a relationship with this person, you are going to be in a relationship with exactly how he behaving right now. He won’t change, unless he wants to.

#8 – He is vague about the future.

The beginning of relationship is such a wonderful time. Lots of late night chats, getting to know each other, and discussing the future. Such a hopeful time, full of love and excitement.

Have things changed? Are you no longer talking about the future? Is he vague about what is next for him and you both. When you bring it up does he change the subject? Do you hope that things will change?

I am afraid that, if your guy has stopped talking about the future, he is waving a big red flag. Even though in the beginning he might have had wonderful ideas, those wishful ideas are gone and hoping that they will return will be fruitless for you.

I am so sorry, but the future that you had planned together is one that only you are holding on to.

#9 – You have to initiate things, most of the time.

In the past few days, how many times have you had to initiate a conversation with your ex? How many times have you had to reach out to see how he is doing or if perhaps you might get together? Be honest – is it more than once?

Men who want to be with a woman will initiate things – period the end. A man who is no longer all in a relationship will certainly be willing to hang out and have sex but they won’t have the motivation needed to make it happen. They will be happy to let you take the lead but will most likely only respond when there is something in it for them.

So, take stock of how much you are doing the reaching out. He isn’t not initiating because he is “confused” or “thinking about things” but because he just isn’t that interested in you.

So, there you go – 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over.

I know that these red flags can be hard to see. After all, he wants the relationship to be over but keeps showing up in one form or another and refuses to let you go. But don’t take that to mean that you have a future together.

If these red flags are flying, its time for you to walk away and find someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

You can do it!

Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

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Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

If you  are reading this article I am guessing that you are thinking that you might be in a toxic relationship and wondering if it’s time to get out of it. Good for you!

I know that its hard for you to believe right now but you don’t deserve to be in a relationship where you are mistreated. No matter what anyone might tell you, you are a person in the world who should be treated with kindness and respect.

We are all just human beings, trying to be the best person that we can be be. And we are human beings who can make mistakes in the eyes of someone else. Sometimes we do or say things that might cause upset. Sometimes we make bad judgement calls. We might spend too much money or have too much to drink or forget to run an errand. We might forget to do something that we promised to do. We are just human – we make mistakes.

And, just because we might make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that we should be physically or mentally abused. Our mistakes might be met with frustration but they should never be met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming.

Furthermore, it is important that we understand that what we don’t want done unto ourselves we should not do unto others, no matter how much we are mistreated.

If you are reading this article, chances are that you have made a mistake or too in the eyes of your partner and you have been met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming. And, if this has been done to you over and over, you might believe that you are worthless and that you can’t do anything right and that you deserve nothing more than what you have.

Let me tell you – from someone who has been there – even if you do tend to do things that might self-sabotage or might upset someone else, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love and respect. Period. Try to hold on to this. Its important that you do.

So, how can you break this cycle of being berated and belittled for who you are and get out of the relationship and on with your life? Here are 9 things that you can do to get you on the path out of the relationship and on to living your life again.

#1 – Know that you are worthy.

First and foremost, in order to take this big step, you must truly grasp that you are worthy of being in a relationship that is a healthy one and that feeds you instead of debases you. I know that this won’t be easy to do but I encourage you to do it.

Try to get back in touch with the person you were before the relationship, the person you were before you were treated badly. Were you a person in the world with lots of friends. Did you have a job that you loved? Did you take care of your mental and physical health? I am guessing that, before you were driven down by this relationship, there were things bout yourself and your place in the world that you were proud of. Get back in touch with them.

Also, reach out to those who love you, your friends and family. If anyone can remind you how wonderful you are and remind you why you are lovable, its them. And, if you are open to being reminded and work to accept it, it will go a long way towards you believing that you are worthy of getting out of this toxic relationship and moving on.

#2 – Identify the symptoms.

An important part of breaking the cycle of your toxic relationship and getting out of it is to truly accept that your relationship is toxic. To that end, here are a few signs that your relationship is a toxic one and getting out of it is a good idea:

  1. You don’t feel good about yourself.
  2. You are willing to accept blame for everything.
  3. Your friends and family don’t like your partner.
  4. The relationship is impacting your life in negative ways.
  5. Nothing changes in spite of promises made.
  6. You spend lots of time looking up information on toxic relationships.

Take some time and consider whether even one of the symptoms above relates to your relationship. If even one does, perhaps you can accept that your relationship is a toxic one and get more clarity about whether its time to get out.

#3 – Consider why you are staying.

Many people just don’t understand how someone can stay in a toxic relationship. After all, everyone deserves to be treated well by someone who says that they love them.

But, people stay in toxic relationships for many reasons and understanding them might help you see why you stay and that perhaps its not for the love.

  1. Your parents were in a toxic relationship so its all you know.
  2. Your past relationships might have been toxic too so you think being mistreated is normal.
  3. You feel insecure about your place in the world.
  4. You have low self-esteem and don’t believe you deserve better.
  5. You believe that if you stay and love your person enough you can fix them.
  6. You are a hopeless romantic and believe that passion in any form is a happily ever after.
  7. You have a tendency to self sabotage.

Understanding that you might stay for reasons other than love is an excellent way to get clarity around whether or not you are capable of walking away from the relationship.

#4 – Be honest with someone who loves you.

A key part of being successful removing yourself from a toxic relationship is to get support and accountability. After all, we might tell ourselves that we want to get out but we rarely do so.

Having someone who loves you know about your plan to get out will accomplish two things. The first is that someone who loves you will emphasize the importance of getting out of a toxic relationship. They will support you in your decision to get it done and how to plan for next steps. The second thing that someone who loves you will do is to hold you accountable for actually following through and getting out. It’s easy to change our mind on something that only we know is a goal – having someone else know it as well and holds us accountable for getting it done makes not doing it harder.

#5 – Commit to doing it.

To successfully do anything difficult requires a level of commitment that can be very hard to follow through with. Its very easy to tell yourself that you will stop eating ice cream or watching so much TV or staying in a toxic relationship but follow through on doing those things can be very difficult.

It is very important that, if you truly want to break the cycle and get out of your toxic relationship you must be 100% committed to doing so. What you are going to do won’t be easy – if it was going to be easy you would have done it already. And, if you tell yourself that you will go and then you don’t, you will only feel worse about yourself which will make it harder to leave.

So, before you go down this road, ask yourself how committed you are to getting it done! If you aren’t quite ready pause until you are.

#6 – Accept that you are going to have to cut off contact.

For many people in toxic relationships, they are addicted to the relationship – to the person they are in the relationship with and the drama that is is part of it. I know it seems counterintuitive but it is one of the reasons that people stay.

So, it is going to be very important that you cut off all contact with your soon-to-be ex. Much like an alcoholic needing to stop drinking completely to start to heal, so must you cut off your ex so that you can do so as well.

Cutting off your ex means two things – going no contact and disconnecting with them on social media. You are going to have to block them and commit to not stalking them.

Many of my clients say that this feels “harsh” and that they don’t want to do it. The reality is is that my clients want to keep then door open in case their person comes back, committed to change. And what happens instead is that their person comes back and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

Furthermore, it is essential that you commit to not stalking your ex, to not going on social media to see how or what they are doing. If you do so, it will most likely make you miss them and you will reach out to them and, again, the whole cycle will start over.

#7 –  Set up boundaries.

It is essential that, if you are going to successfully break the cycle that you are in in this toxic relationship, you set up boundaries.

Examples of boundaries might be:

  1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
  2. No looking for closure.
  3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
  4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
  5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

  1. Not rehashing old wounds.
  2. Keeping contact business-like.
  3. Minimizing seeing each other in person.

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#8 – Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

Many people find themselves paralyzed when considering whether or not to walk away from a toxic relationship because they get too far ahead of themselves and it makes the whole thing too daunting to manage. It is essential that, if you are going to break the cycle, you must take the process day by day.

When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we are looking to an unknown future. We are thinking that we will never love or be loved again. That we will never again see our soon to be ex and that idea is inconceivable. We think that we will destroy our finances or hurt our children or ruin our prospects. We worry about things that we have no idea whether will occur or not.

So, for now, try to focus on what’s in front of you – walking away. You might need to worry about some of the things listed above but you also might not have to. It all depends what happens as you take each step.

#9 – Get professional help.

Our friends and family are great. Truly. They only want what is best for us. That being said, many friends and family bring their own stuff into their support of you, sometimes stuff that isn’t so helpful.

Perhaps your friend had a bad encounter with your relationship partner and has particular anger towards them that isn’t productive. Perhaps they have been through a similar situation that you are going through and believe that things should be done a certain way. Or, perhaps, they don’t think that you should be doing what you are doing and will try to talk you out of it.

A professional life coach (like me!) will help you take the steps you need to successfully get out of your toxic relationship if that is what is the right move for you. I always say that I am a friend without an agenda – I will support you but I won’t bring any of my own stuff into the process. I have helped hundreds of women like you get out of a toxic relationship and onto a life of love and happiness.

I know that the idea of professional help might be daunting but it is something that could make a big difference as far as you being successful moving on.

So, there you are – 9 things that you can do to break the cycle of your toxic relationship and move forward.

I know that you might not believe that you are worthy, or capable, of taking these steps and breaking free but you ARE. You are a person in the world who deserves to be loved and love in return, in a way that only feeds the positive in your life, not the negative.

You can do this!

 

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

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9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

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9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

I can’t tell you how often I see this – that a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let his girlfriend go. He breadcrumbs her and acts like a yo-yo and devastates every time.

I believe that, while the pain that one feels after a break up is horrible, the pain felt when someone breaks up with someone and still hangs around might be even worse. After all, the ex isn’t being allowed to get over the break up and move on and that is making it very difficult to deal with the pain and let it go.

What I can promise you, absolutely, is that the reason that he won’t let you go is NOT because he wants to be in a relationship with you – its something else entirely.

Perhaps if you understand why he won’t let you go, you might be able to be strong and walk away so that you can get your life back.

#1 – He needs his ego stroked.

If there is one thing that a man gets out of relationship its having his ego stroked. After all, he has found a girlfriend who loves him and takes care of him and has sex with him. A girlfriend he can parade around his boys and take home to his mother. Who wouldn’t love all those things?

The thing is, when a guy breaks up with someone, he no longer has someone there to stroke his ego. While he might be happier that he doesn’t have to do the things that he has to do in a relationship, he is definitely feeling the absence of not feeling loved and appreciated.

So, he reaches out to the most recent person who has done that. And, when you let him, when you stroke his ego when he comes back, then he will do it over and over again. That way, he can feel good again. And, the fact that you will stroke his ego even though he has broken up with you makes him feel even more powerful.

#2 – He misses being taken care of.

I have a client whose ex-boyfriend treats her terribly. He came home from work one night and told her that he wanted out and then left the next day. He gave her a few days and then he reached out again and asked if he could come over and visit the dog.

She was ecstatic. She cleaned the house and got all dressed up for him, thinking that maybe he wanted her back. And then what happened? He showed up with a pile of laundry and asked her to do it while he played with the dog. And she willingly did it because she loved taking care of him and thought that maybe if she did, he would love her again.

#3 – He is horny.

Oh – and – when my client’s ex boyfriend came over to play with the dog and have his laundry done, he also wanted to have sex with her, even though he had broken up with her just a few days earlier.

This is the #1 reason that men keep coming back to their ex-girlfriends even though they don’t want a relationship  – because of the sex. After all, if a man was in charge, he would have sex everyday. Not having a girlfriend gets in the way of that happening.

So, a man will come back, at least for a night, to have sex with his ex. Why doesn’t he get it elsewhere? Because with his ex-girlfriend he doesn’t have to work for it. He can just show up at her house, maybe even drunk after a night out with the boys, and she will be happy to accommodate.

Why? Because she is hoping that the reason he is there is because he knows that he really does want to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he doesn’t.

your boyfriend won't let you go

#4 -You keep reaching out to him.

Ugh – does this one resonate with you? Has he broken up with you but do you keep reaching out, hoping that he will change his mind? Perhaps because you miss him and just want to hear his voice or are looking for closure (which, BTW, is a myth).

This is something that is very common with my clients – that they are broken up with and they are determined to move on but they just can’t help reaching out to their ex, either texting or DMing or looking at their social media posts. Interestingly, the thing that most often brings people back together is a birthday or an anniversary – people feel compelled to reach out and they do and it starts the whole messy cycle all over again.

And, if you reach out, what is your guy going to do?  Come over and have you do his laundry and have sex with him. Things won’t work out differently and you will be devastated again.

#5 – He is lonely.

We all get lonely. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t go through the agony of dating sites and first dates and all the other things that come with finding love. And, for most people, loneliness is one of the scariest feelings that they can feel.

So, if a guy gets lonely he could fill the time with work or play or his friends or his family but, what will really scratch his loneliness itch, is going back to the person who makes him feel good about himself and will do all of the things that I have discussed so far.

And, because she is most likely lonely as well, she lets him come back.

Unfortunately, loneliness isn’t something that can be assuaged in one moment. We get the loneliness fix and we feel good for a while but then we go away and are alone and the feeling comes back, sometimes even worse. And so we reach out and the whole cycle happens over and over.

#6 – He is being wishy washy.

No one truly wants to break up. After all, we have been through the dating scene and found someone who fits us and we are hoping that this will be the one – that we will never have to go on another date. So, if feelings get lost and a break up must happen, it’s a very sad thing.

I know that for many of my clients, even though they know that breaking up with their person is the best thing that they can do, they hope that it will change. That if they just try, they will get their feelings back. So they return to their ex, over and over, hoping that things will change.

In my experience, this rarely happens. If a person has lost feelings, they don’t get them back unless something significant has changed. If someone has done their work or a situation that caused the break up has changed. Rarely does a man realize that he made a mistake and come back. And if that does happen, more often than not, the relationship will ultimately fail again.

So, if he yo-yos, making promises that he doesn’t keep, let him go. Don’t let him back in and make the break up even worse.

#7 – He doesn’t want to hurt you.

This is one of those things that I yell at my male clients about – that they don’t want to hurt their ex.

Of course, no one, especially men, wants to hurt someone, and a break up can be the worst pain of all, so they do whatever they can to not do it. And unfortunately, that often means dragging things out, hoping that maybe their girlfriend will break up with them and they won’t feel responsible for causing the pain.

And, to do so, they make their partner miserable. They gaslight them, making them think that there is something wrong with them. They give them crumbs of love hoping that their person will get sick of it and move on.

And, I tell my male clients, this only hurts their soon to be ex more. It’s like pulling off a bandaid slowly. While you don’t get that sudden burst of pain that comes with ripping one off, the prolonged effort of removing it will even more painful. Rip the Band Aid off, I tell my male clients. Unfortunately, its really, really hard for them to do so!

#8 – He is using you for something.

For many of my clients who have a guy coming and going, its because they are using them for something.

Sometimes its sex and love, as I have said before. But sometimes its something more tangible. Sometimes its something that they need to survive, like housing or money.

For many women in relationships, particularly ones where they feel like their guy is slipping away, they work hard to make their person feel comfortable. They lend them money or pay for things. Sometimes they let them stay with them without paying rent. They might even support their habits and hobbies, good or bad.

When a guy breaks up with someone, those things are gone and he might be left struggling. He has gotten used to being taken care of financially and the lack of money or housing is making his life more difficult. And so he returns, giving his ex just enough love to get her to give him some money or let him stay in the house.

I hope that this one is pretty obvious. That its not that your guy loves you that he is back – it’s because he needs you to be his sugar-mama.

#9 – You are letting him.

Ok, be honest with me. How easy are you making it for him to come and go?

When he reaches out, do you jump to doing whatever he wants, hoping things will be different? Do you act like you are cool with your more casual relationship? Do you pretend that you are satisfied with his bread crumbs, hoping that he will see how easy you are to be around and take you back?

I hate to say it but this is the number one reason that a guy won’t let someone go – because their person makes it easy for them.

So, its on you, girl. You are the only person who can stop this cycle and move on with your life. Only you!

So, there you go – 9 reasons your boyfriend won’t let eye go, even though he doesn’t want a relationship.

I know that what you are dealing with is painful – the ups and downs of feeling good when he is around and then devastated when he leaves again. You just aren’t recovering or moving on and its killing you.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.  You have it in you to let him go and move on with your life and find someone who can love you truly. They are out there. I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

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9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

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7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear that she isn’t the right one for them but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up.

While every relationship is different, they all carry some common denominators that apply to all of them – including it being hard to break up with someone, even if you know they aren’t the one for you.

Let me share why breaking up with someone is hard with you right now. Understanding the reasons why might clarify things for you so that you can take the next step.

#1 – You don’t want to cause her pain.

There isn’t a man in the world who isn’t concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause their woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only make things worse.

Be honest. Do you know that you should break up with your girlfriend but you don’t want to hurt her so, instead, you are pulling back a little bit. Are you not focusing the time and energy on her that you used to? Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant? Are you, perhaps, hoping that she will be the one who ultimately break up with you?  You are not alone. A LOT of men do this.

Let me tell you – doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, instead you are pulling it off gradually, dragging out the pain and making her suffer more. Ironic, no?

The reality is is that if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But the reality is is that she will get over it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who really loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.

#2 – The good times were really good times.

Even though are you are in a place where you want to break up with your girlfriend, I am sure that you and she have shared wonderful times together. And those things are hard to let go of.

I am guessing that you are thinking about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new and you shared so much of yourself. Or maybe you are remembering a vacation you took or that silly thing that she did that made everyone laugh at your birthday party. Perhaps you went through a difficult period of time and she was there for you, standing by your side. Perhaps you shared big hopes for the future that you don’t want to let go of.

And I get it – experiences are intense things that can really bind people to each other.

But, the reality is is that, while these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. And, even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship – namely that you don’t love her anymore.

So, while you have had some very special times with this person, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so that she can have new experiences with someone who really loves her.

#3 – You don’t want to have to start dating again… nor do you want her to.

So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person for them because they just don’t want to get back out there into the dating world. After all, the dating world is not always fun and its exhausting and the thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear.

Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy that you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy that you will have to spend building a new relationship.

And I get it. Its hard to throw away time invested in someone but the time that you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and its done. That time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone and know that any more time that you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.

And – I am guessing – that you probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing. You especially don’t want her to have sex with someone else.

Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with you.

#4 – You love that she takes care of you.

One of my male clients knows that it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her but she isn’t the one for him.

What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.

One thing about us women, we love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault. And many men really, really appreciate being taken care of.

I know that with my boyfriend, I do the laundry, I cook us dinner, I keep the house tidy, I plan our social life etc etc. I am not saying that I am his slave and that he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does do some of those things sometimes but, in general, its on me. And thats ok. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).

And, I am guessing that if it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself again. Probably not a very attractive proposition, I am guessing.

Are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she take such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again!

#5 – You like easy access to sex (be honest!).

You might be rolling your eyes at this one but I am guessing that, deep down, you know that what I am saying here is the truth – having a girlfriend means that you have easy access to sex. And that is something that its not easy to let go of.

Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing that you enjoy having sex with her. And that the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to fool around with you is not appealing.

For men, sex is very important and its not always as easy to get as they might like. A woman can walk out of her house and approach any man and most likely get him to have sex with her but men have to work a little bit harder. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.

Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the sex? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go. You will have sex again, maybe even sooner than you think. I promise.

#6 – You are worried about messing up your social life.

One of my male client was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.

My client is worried that it might be “weird.” He is worried that there will be drama and that people will have to take sides in the break up. He is worried that one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his posse of friends. He likes things the way that they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something that he wants to do.

And I totally get that. Our social lives are very important to us and a key part of living a great life. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.

Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.

hard to break up with your girlfriend

#7 – Your friends and family do love her.

This is a really tough one – if your friends and family love her, even if you aren’t feeling it.

I am guessing that if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. That she is a wonderful person and that you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up. And I am guessing that that is messing with your head.

On the other hand, perhaps her friends and family loves you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down.The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea. Your mom will be sad about your break up but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.

#8 – You just don’t want to deal with the drama.

Be honest – are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?

Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?

Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?

If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one then have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.

Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything that you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass.  Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.

#9 – Your lives are entangled.

The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer that couples are together the more their lives become entangled.

Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?

Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread? Does the idea of having to find a new place or deal with custody of kids or dogs or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?

Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.

But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated and more difficult to leave and before you know it you could be permanently stuck.

Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!

So there you go – 9 Reasons tt is so hard to break up with your girlfriend, even if you don’t love her.

I know that the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and its time to move on.

So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

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The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

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7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore

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If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.

And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.

Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.

#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself

First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.

In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.

In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.

This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?

Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.

So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.

Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.

When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?

How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?

People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.

So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?

#3 – You have lots of make up sex.

Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.

They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?

I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.

What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.

So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.

This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.

When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.

But your friends and family can.

Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?

If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them!  They know you best and only want what is good for you!

#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.

I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.

She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.

So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.

So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.

Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.

#6 – Nothing is changing.

This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?

Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.

Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!

So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.

#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.

So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?

If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.

If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.

And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.

So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.

Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.

So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?

If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.

You can do it!

The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

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If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

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