5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper

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How many times have you wanted to say something and just haven ‘ t? A great idea you had at work, frustration with your mother-in-law, words of anger at someone who treated you badly? You open your mouth to speak, and nothing comes out.

More than once, I am guessing. Correct?

And how does it make you feel? Not so good, right?

There are 405,358 reasons to speak up. Here are 5 of them.

My latest: 5 Reasons to Speak Up – Even if it’s All You Can Do to Whisper.

#1 – Spoken words prompt action.

If your words are in your head, not spoken, they will stay there, out of the light, ignored, and irrelevant. Wasted.

Letting your thoughts out into the world can and will prompt action.

I had a client who was talking to her boss about a Huffington Post blog that the company managed. My client remarked that she didn ‘ t know about the blog, and her boss said that it had been neglected and was not in use.

My client immediately thought, “I want to do it.” And then she sat up, and she said, ‘ I will do it. ‘

She now writes weekly for the Huffington Post.

Not too shabby for letting a few words out of her head, eh?

#2 – Words stuck in your head can fester.

For me, unspoken words don ‘ t just sit quietly in my head. They take on a life of their own, playing themselves over and over, sometimes shifting in size and shape, forming and reforming into something that can be almost monstrous. And that monster causes me a lot of pain.

My ex-husband has an incredibly frustrating habit of not returning my emails. For 5 years, I have been trying to get him to return my emails, and he just can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, do it.

For a long while, I didn ‘ t speak up about it. I would patiently wait a few days, hoping for the best. And then I would start thinking about it, wondering what he was so busy doing that he couldn ‘ t get back to me.

And then I would start obsessing about it, wondering why he had so little respect for me that he wouldn ‘ t take a few minutes to return my emails. The thoughts in my head were spinning in a truly ugly, self-destructive way.

I would email him again, angry and accusing. And guess what. He still wouldn ‘ t return my emails.

So now, when I email him, I ask him to respond in a certain window of time. More often than not he obliges and on we go.

Asking for what I needed from him helped keep those festering words from destroying my mental wellness and, ultimately, our relationship.

#3 – Words can keep disagreements from spinning out of control.

One of the saddest side effects of not speaking up is the pain that can happen because of disagreements. Disagreements can happen just because of words that are not spoken.

Think about the last time you and your partner fought. You were standing in the kitchen, having a conversation about something inconsequential, and then something came up that upset one or both of you. Before you knew it you were yelling at each other, and someone stormed out of the room.

That night your partner slept on the sofa, and you didn ‘ t sleep at all. Breakfast the next day was a nightmare and you couldn ‘ t concentrate all day at work. Not good.

Imagine another scenario. You and your partner, in the kitchen, something comes up and you start yelling. Imagine if, instead of storming out of the room, you stand your ground and continue to talk.

Imagine if, because you actually had the conversation that needed to be had and you worked through your differences, the argument was settled and finished for good, and you were able to then head upstairs for a little ‘ House of Cards ‘ before bed.

Both of you slept like babies because the words have been said, and the issue settled.

Which one sounds better to you?

#4 – Speaking out helps build your self-esteem.

There is nothing better than speaking up about something that you think is important to speak up about. Not only does it create action, keep things from festering, and stop disagreements in their tracks, but it also makes you see the power that you have with your words.

A client of mine was in a situation where there were 4 tickets to her daughter ‘ s graduation. Three would be used for her son and her ex-husband, and herself. The fourth was up for grabs.

Historically, my client would have wanted to keep the peace and given the ticket to her husband ‘ s new wife. But, really, she just didn ‘ t want to do that, so she decided to speak up. She told her daughter that she didn’t want the ticket to just go right to her dad’s husband but that they talk about to whom it might go. Her daughter said, ‘ I tell you what, I will just bring my friend Nina ‘ and the matter settled.

My client not only felt great about speaking up and advocating for herself, but she also could relax into the knowledge that she would be able to fully enjoy her daughter ‘ s big day without the self-recrimination created because of words that she hadn ‘ t spoken.

#5 – How else can you change the world?

Really, if people didn ‘ t speak up, how would we be able to change the world?

All it takes is one idea. Big or little. And the effects can be far-reaching. Of course, you can tell yourself that your one little idea won ‘ t make a difference, but it can!

A client had a college-aged son who was drinking too much. She didn ‘ t know what to do. She talked to him and talked to him, to no avail. And then she had an idea. ‘ Give him the dog. ‘ She knew her son loved that dog and she knew that the responsibility of keeping it alive would be an important thing for him.

But she wasn ‘ t sure about asking him. Would he think it too much responsibility? Would her ex-husband cut the idea to shreds? Would everyone hate her for being so nosy?

She decided to take the risk and spoke up. She told him that it was time, that he was ready to have the responsibility of the dog. He loved the idea. The look on his face when he heard that she thought him responsible enough was totally worth the risk.

The dog now spends long weekends with her son and he is drinking far less.

She had an idea and she shared it. And it could very well change the life of her whole family and that of future families. What a gift.

So there you go. My 5 Reasons to Speak Up.
Speaking up is not an easy thing. We don ‘ t speak up because of fear, or lack of confidence or a lifetime of not knowing how to do anything differently. If we learn to speak up it will get us straight onto the pathway to living the life of our dreams.

So start small. Today. Tell someone something that you might not ordinarily tell them.

Tell your partner you love them. You’re child that you are proud of them. Your boss says that you have a great idea for that meeting next week. Your mother-in-law that you love having dinner with them but that this week just won ‘ t work because you have tickets to the Nutcracker for your family.

Speak your truth, big or small. Raise your voice above a whisper.

Change the world.

Looking for more ways to speak up? Contact me and I can help!

 

5 Ways to be More Productive – Even if You Never Have Been Before

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Lack of productivity can be very destructive. It can lead to overwhelm, which can be paralyzing, and it can be very demoralizing, leading to low self-esteem.

Neither of those things helps you live the life of your dreams.

There is a myriad of reasons why my clients seek me out to be their life coach, but most often, a piece of it is that they need some help with productivity. I am happy to report that, without exception, those clients who were willing to take on their low productivity reported a dramatic change after just a few weeks of working with me.

Today I am going to share with you the work that I have done with my clients so you can learn about being more productive.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to be More Productive – Even if You Have Never Been Before.

#1 – Identity what it is you want. Precisely.

Many of my clients come to me with an idea of what they want from their life. A new job, a better marriage, improved relations with co-workers, and how to move forward differently. What many of those clients haven’t done is identity what exactly it is they want. Without that knowledge moving forward is impossible.

I have a client who came to me because she was miserable in her job for 15 years, but she just didn’t know what to do. She had tried to make adjustments at work to be happier, but to no avail. She was stuck with what to do next. Paralyzed, in fact.

I asked her where she would go if she left her job. She had no idea. She knew that she wanted out, but she had given no thought to where she would like to jump. And, I asked, how would you get to that new place? Again, my question was met with silence.

The next part was quick and easy. We brainstormed new career paths and ideas that made her heart sing. We then cleaned up her resume to reflect the new job she sought. Next, she researched job opportunities and applied for those jobs. Within a few weeks, she had some interviews and soon found her dream job.

All this because she identified precisely where she wanted to go. Without concrete information, you are stuck. She was. And then she wasn ‘ t.

#2 – Set goals.

Once you know what it is you want to do, it’s time to set goals.

I have a client who created a website, and she has been working on its blog for almost a year. She had been tweaking and re-tweaking and then walking away, bored and frustrated, only to eventually come back and tweak it some more.

I asked her how determined she was to get this blog onto her site. On a scale of 1-10. 10, she said. So we set a date. A date one month later. She put it on her calendar.

One month later, after years in the process, her blog was up after having set goals with me and making a plan.

Was she proud? Did her self-esteem go through the roof? Yes, and yes. Awesome!

#3 – Make a plan.

Having a plan is an essential part of being productive. Without a plan, you are stabbing about in the dark.

I have a client who HATED going to the grocery store. HATED it. So she didn’t. As a result, she didn’t eat well and always felt weak.

I asked her why she hated the grocery store. She said the noise and the lights were annoying, things were hard to find, she never had time to find recipes to make, and she didn’t want to spend the money. All valid reasons.

So we made a plan. First, we skipped the recipes. I had her make a list of things she knew how to cook and what she liked to eat. She made a list using those things as a basis, and I helped her organize her list into groups related to grocery store areas. We made a plan of when she could go at times when it was less crowded. She also decided to wear her headphones so the noise was less daunting.

Last but not least, we set a specific date and time. And when she was done shopping, she had to call me. And you know what? She did it. She has food. She feels better. And she did it again the next week.

#4 – Have a great calendar and use it wisely.

I had a client who had the loftiest goals, but she didn’t believe herself capable of following through on anything. As a result, nothing ever got done.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night, we made a calendar for her for the week. In red were the things that she HAD to do on it. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half-hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her chequebook, cleaning out closets, and making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency arose and she couldn ‘ t do a red item, she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn’t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black wire things tended to get done because they were last minute, and she was able to get them done because that’s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would check on her, so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks, but using her calendar allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized she wanted to keep doing this on her own because she liked how she felt and didn’t want to let herself down. So she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find someone to hold you accountable.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don’t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you, but more often than not, those people will lean towards supporting you, listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track for productivity ‘ s sake and building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is its effect on your self-esteem. My client is always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done; they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

So there you go, my 5 Ways to be More Productive.

Our lives are crazy, jam-packed and exhausting. Not being productive can cause overwhelm and lead you down a path that makes it all worse.

It doesn ‘ t have to be this way. There are ways to be productive and make one ‘ s life less exhausting. As you can see above, my clients prove it can be done.

You can do it too!

Need more tips on being more productive? Contact me, and I can help.

5 Things To Do Now that the Election is Over – Even If Your Candidate Didn’t Win

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This election has been unlike any in recent memory. The candidates are universally not liked, their interactions have been less than civil, and their positions on the issues are as far apart as they could be.

To make matters worse, the election has had a huge effect on every American. Friends are turning against each other, marriages are being strained, work places are full of tension. Anger and distrust is pervasive.

But now the election is over and no matter who won, life goes on. Things might be different politically, but we still have to get up in the morning, get the kids off to school, go to work, eat dinner with the in-laws, have a date night, and take out the garbage.

#1 – Check in with yourself.

I don ‘ t know about you, but for the past few months, I have been obsessed with this election. Every day brought stories more shocking than the day before. It was like seeing a bad car accident ‘ ¦I just couldn ‘ t take my eyes off of it.

And I swear it made me sick, both physically and mentally.

So take a moment now and see how you are feeling. Do you feel like you are living just a little bit on edge? Have you been having feelings of sadness more often than usual? Are you spending more time on the computer following the news than talking with your kids about their day? Do you spend your morning commute yelling at all of the incompetent drivers around you?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the election has definitely taken it ‘ s toll on you. Awareness of this will enable to you take the steps necessary to move forward after this messy election and be yourself again.

#2 – Step away from your computer.

This is key. No matter who won the election, the next few months and years probably, are going to be messy. Neither candidate is going to heal what ails our country.

And neither can you, at least not by obsessing over every little step and misstep that happens going forward.

So stop screen-sucking on CNN or FOX news. If you must be in front of a screen, instead of watching a new show on TV. Netflix just released The Crown, a period drama about Queen Elizabeth II. Or watch what I do: The Walking Dead. Nothing like a post-apocalyptic fantasy to take your mind off of the current day ‘ s woes.

Even better would be to get away from all of it and do something else. Anything else. Shop, hike, swim, read, joust, laugh, cry, travel, scream. Anything that will help you release the tension of the past few months and generate some dopamine to aid in the healing.

You know what works for you. Now is the time to do it!

#3 – Reconnect with friends and family.

One of the saddest bi-products of this election is how it has come between friends, families, between co-workers.

Social media has made this world a smaller place, and we know that people will post things that they wouldn ‘ t necessarily say in person. As a result, we have hurt and alienated each other. I know of many cases where family members don ‘ t speak, friends are no longer friends on Facebook and politics have been forbidden in the workplace to prevent anarchy.

Now is the time to rise above and start to mend those rifts. The election is over and one candidate has won. The supporters of the victor must try to remain humble and the supporters of the loser must accept the outcome and move on. And we must reach out to each other and remember that we love each other and work together to rebuild our families and friend groups.

If these important pieces of the fabrics of our life, the pieces involving love and connection, are permanently damaged then America will never be able to bring about the change that it so desperately needs.

And remember, we are stronger together.

#4 – Make a difference.

Do you know the saying, ‘ Be the change that you want to see in the world? ‘ There is no better time than right now to prove that adage true.

No matter who you supported, chances are that you aren ‘ t happy with the status quo. And you were hoping that the person you wanted to be President would make changes happen quickly. But, really, change doesn ‘ t start at the top but at the bottom. Think about Rosa Parks and her refusing to give up her seat on the bus. She sparked a movement that ultimately culminated in the Civil Rights Act of 1964, making discrimination because of race illegal.

So be the change. Choose an issue that is important to you and get involved. I know you wonder how “little you”can make a difference but believe me, you can.

I regularly give speeches to people with mental illness, telling them the story of my journey. The nurses say that every time I speak, one person who wasn ‘ t willing to accept that they are mentally ill does. And with acceptance comes healing. And with healing comes a life worth living ‘ ¦and that life will touch the lives of many others and make a real difference.

One person at a time.

#5 – Take a vacation from all of it.

We have all run a marathon. We are exhausted and weak from the effort. What our body needs is a break. Some nutrients. Some time to heal.

So take the next few months and just live your life. Go to work, be with your kids, walk your dogs, and read a book. Let your body recuperate from what it has gone through.

Americans are very bad at convalescing. When we are sick, as soon as the major symptoms are gone we get up and go on with our lives. As a result, we often get sick again. Over and over.

So take some time and do whatever you need to do to feed your body and soul. I know for me I am going to spend these last few weeks of fall weather at the park with my dog, soaking in the fresh air while I can. Oh, and watching the Walking Dead.

Our country is right now in a time of crisis. I think we all recognize this, no matter what our political affiliation. And it ‘ s time to make a change. For that to happen, every American must do his or her part.

You know when you are on an airplane and the flight attendants give the safety speech. They always say to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. Following my tips is your oxygen mask. Take care of yourself, and heal from the anger and vitriol of the past few months. Make amends. When you are ready, go forth in the world and make a difference, if even in a very small way.

Together, we can change the world.

Are you struggling with the way the world is now?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help you staystrongand survive!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win

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You know how sometimes it just hits you? You have so much going on in your life that you aren ‘ t sleeping at all. Your work is suffering, your relationships are fraught with tension, bills are going unpaid, and you have eaten an entire box of Oreos every night this week.

And then one more thing gets piled on top, and that ‘ s it. The camel’s back is broken. Your heart starts racing, your brain fills with cotton, you get dizzy, and you can ‘ t breathe. You are officially overwhelmed.

Being overwhelmed makes you feel literally paralyzed. It prevents you from moving forward in any meaningful way. It prevents you from moving forward at all. You are simply there, in a vortex, circling the drain. Not good.

I know it doesn’t feel that way, but there are definitely ways to survive it. One step at a time.

The first step – is awareness. Always key. Know what it is you are feeling – overwhelm. Once you know what it is, you can proceed.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm – Even if It Threatens to Win.

#1 – Breathe

When we are stressed out, we hold our breath. There is a physiological reason we hold our breath: increased tension in the muscles responsible for breathing. These include the thoracic diaphragm and some of the abdominal, chest, neck and shoulder muscles. When we are stressed, these muscles contract, and breathing stops. Not ideal.

The manner in which we breathe influences our entire being: our mental-emotional states, the nervous system, hormonal balance, muscular tension, and all the functions of body and mind. When we hold our breath our overwhelm will only get worse, not better.

When you are overwhelmed, remember to breathe. Sit up straight and wear clothes that don ‘ t restrict your abdomen (or loosen those jeans). Breathe deeply in, through your nose, for 3 seconds, pulling air down into your diaphragm. Exhale through your nose for 5 seconds. Repeat this series for 5 minutes.

You will start to feel better right away. Physiology declares it be so.

#2 – Walk Away

When you are sitting at your desk, paralyzed and completely overwhelmed by all that is on your plate, it is time to get up and move around.

In addition to breathing, clearing your head is an essential way to beat overwhelmed. Just sitting there staring at all of your stuff, or replaying all sorts of negative tapes in your head, will get you nowhere.

So go for a walk around the block or around the cubicles in the office. Go up and down a few flights of stairs. Do some stretches. Walk over to someone ‘ s desk or house, and have a quick chat. Give your partner a long hug. Have a good laugh. Anything that will get your mind off of your stuff, even for a few minutes.

Sometimes just a little break can make all of the difference.

#3 – Eat a Good Meal

Remember the aforementioned Oreos? Yes, they are yummy going down, but nutritionally, they do you no good at all.

What you need when you are overwhelmed is a good dose of protein, some carbs, and a few healthy fats.

In the short term, a good meal will help your brain work better, help keep your breathing and your heart rate moderate and allow you to get past the overwhelm.

In the long term, your body will be stronger because you feed it healthy food. And when you are stronger, you can better prevent overwhelm from happening in the first place.

Try a turkey sandwich on toasted rye bread with some Swiss cheese and cole slaw. If you don’t have time to sit down, feast on some mixed nuts (walnuts, cashews, and almonds) and an apple. Add water. Or try a smoothie with coconut milk, flax, and chia seeds, an avocado, and some berries. Truly yummy.

#4 – Take a Nap

Yeah, right, you say. A nap! Ha. You have WAY too much to do to take a nap.

Taking a nap can change everything. It will help your brain quiet for a bit, restore your body and enable you to think more clearly to get through this tough time.

It doesn ‘ t have to be a long nap. Close your shades and pull a blanket over your fully clothed self and set the alarm for 30 minutes. That will give you 10 minutes to fall asleep and 20 minutes to sleep.

You will wake up refreshed and ready to plunge ahead. Really.

#5 – Make a Plan

Before you take, this step do at least one of the steps above. You need to manage your body ‘ s reaction to the overwhelm before you can take action to fix it.

One of the reasons that we get overwhelmed is that we feel we have no control over the things that are causing that overwhelm. It ‘ s time to regain some.

Sit down and make a list of everything that you have to do. Everything.

Now review that list and pick out 5 things that need to be done immediately. From that list of 5 break it down again, this time prioritizing. These are the things that you are going to do first. You will ignore the other things on the list, and I mean IGNORE, until those first things are done.

Give yourself a deadline to get each of those things done. There might be an external deadline already in place but if it ‘ s something with no deadline give yourself one. Give yourself an hour or a day but give yourself a deadline and stick to it.

When you have completed all of the items on the first list go back to your original list and add new things, if necessary. Pick out the next 5 things that need to be done immediately. Repeat the process above.

Take control of your life instead of letting your life control you, and you will beat overwhelm. I promise.

So there you go, my 5 Ways to Fight Back Overwhelm.

Unfortunately, overwhelm is not uncommon in this chaotic, jam-packed, and exhausting modern life in which we live. Almost every one of my clients reports having it at some point, often more than once. But there are ways to beat it back and maybe even prevent it from happening at all.

So breathe, move, eat, sleep, and organize. You just might find it will change your life.

Looking for more ways to overcome overwhelm? Contact me, and I can help!

5 Ways to Help You Ride Out the Early Winter Blues

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This week I was SO crabby with the man in my life. For no real reason. I picked fights and nudged and nagged. It wasn ‘ t pretty. And, when asked why, I couldn ‘ t answer. Why was I crabby?

And then I realized. The temperatures dropped significantly this week. And I was depressed. Seasonally depressed.

“Oh man.” I thought. “Here we go again.”

Luckily, I have a bag of tricks that I turn to when I get depressed. They work almost every time.

#1 – Take a good hard look at how you are feeling.

This is very important. Be aware of why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

For Me, this week I seemed mad at my guy. But I wasn ‘ t. I was sad because the weather had turned cold. It happens to me every year.

Pay attention to your blues. Are they the result of something that happened? A conversation or an event that went wrong? Or did they just appear overnight? And how long have they lasted? A day? A week? A month?

If your sadness is not the result of something specific and has lasted for more than a few days, it might be time to see your doctor. Depression can be a serious disease and catching it early is the best way to deal with it.

#2 – Talk back to that brain of yours.

I have said this before and I will say it again. When your brain starts telling you things that don ‘ t make you feel good SHUT IT DOWN.

Our brains are hardwired to be our worst enemies. When you start feeling sad your brain goes into overdrive to sustain that sadness. It tells you that you are fat and you believe it. It tells you that you are worthless and you believe it. And when you are sad your brain will only tell you things that will make you sadder.

That ‘ s how it works – UNLESS you tell your brain to back off.

When you hear your brain telling you that you will never amount to anything, recognize that your brain is telling you this from a place of sadness. If you were in a better place, a place of happiness, your brain would not be saying this to you. It would be telling you that the sky is the limit.

So, when you are sad, question every negative thought that comes into your brain. And then talk back to it very firmly. Say to it ‘ Of course I am going to be something…look at how far I have already come.”

#3 – Get enough Vitamin D and sunshine.

The human body gets Vitamin D from sunshine. Yes, it is also in fortified milk and a few other foods but really the main source for us is sunshine. And with insufficient Vitamin D, we get depressed.

Almost every person living in the Northeast suffers from Vitamin D deficiency. And much of America does now too because of the widespread use of sunscreen.

Try to get outside and get some sunshine every day. On your hands and your face are most important, I have been told. There are also light machines that mimic sunlight which you can use inside but getting outside, where the air is fresh and the sun is shining, is best.

Also, taking a vitamin D3 supplement has worked for me in the past. 5000 IUs is the dosage my doctor recommended for me. I take one every morning from October – April, and it very much helps.

#4 – Eat foods that make you feel good.

I don ‘ t know about you, but when I get depressed I LOVE to eat. Pad Thai and peanut butter with chocolate chips by the spoonful are my favourites.

While these foods aren ‘ t bad for me there are actually foods that have been shown to be mood-enhancing. And some of them are yummy!

Top on the list of mood-enhancing foods are: almonds, guacamole, chocolate, coffee, watermelon and fava beans

That last one isn ‘ t a perennial favourite but I threw it in there anyway.

Also good for you are bananas, apples, green leafy vegetables, oatmeal and pumpkin seeds.

So when you are feeling the blues make yourself a banana and almond milk smoothie, grab a handful of chocolate chips and go sit on the front stoop in the sun for a bit.

Try it now ‘ ¦.at the very least the chocolate chip part.

#5 – Change your chemistry.

Okay, here is the best one. Doing things that make you feel good.

The body produces a chemical known as dopamine. When dopamine levels are low in the body depression can be the result.

Fortunately, there are ways to bump up dopamine levels in the body. And, really, not one of them is a chore.

Top on the list of things that produce dopamine:

  • Listening to music
  • Having sex
  • Setting a goal and meeting it
  • Knowing one answer on a crossword puzzle
  • Doing something creative
  • Trying something new

Can you find one thing on that list that might appeal? Do it after your banana and almond milk smoothie and life will be good.

Depression can be very serious, and I don ‘ t want to downplay that here. If you have been feeling not yourself for any period of time check with your doctor.

The things that I have listed here are things that I have used for years to get me through the blues. They really work. As soon as I feel the depression settling in I put these things into action.

Just ask my man. Not only am I no longer being crabby but he gets to help me raise my dopamine levels. Now everyone is happy.

Are you really struggling with the winter blues?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Have a Difficult Conversation In 2023

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Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

The life coach in me knows that while my concerns are real there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Let go of assumptions.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, and some involve tears.

And they are all that I can think about more even than the talk’s content. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome.

#2 – Choose a good time and place.

When my kids were little, and I had to discuss something difficult with them, I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy, and then we will begin. Softly.

#3 – Don ‘ t attack.

Your goal in this situation is to have an effective, difficult conversation. One that lands on it’s mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will ask him if he is happy. On a scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (gradually) get him to open up to me about what is happening. From there, I can ask him probing questions that will lead to us being able to discuss how to get us through those issues.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

Not the end goal.

#4 – Be sure to listen.

This is so important. You must be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person you are talking with. Not only could you get some valuable information, but by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult, but it really works. After they speak, say, ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

Again, not the end goal.

#5 – Know that everything is going to be all right.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world, but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider, ‘ What is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

As I have mentioned before, pain is a part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process.

And growing is the end goal.

I am nervous about tonight ‘ s conversation. The topic is a difficult one, but the conversation is necessary. Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes, I have my list of things I want to address and will do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that everything is going to be okay. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must be getting ready for a difficult conversation.

Reach out to me NOW and let me help you get the words out.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Reasons Telling the Truth Will Make You Happy

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Remember back in high school when you and your best friend both liked the same guy and then the guy started liking you back and you didn ‘ t know what to do about your friend so you didn ‘ t tell her? How did that work out?

We all have secrets. Secrets that may or may not affect the lives of other people. And we may or may not choose to share those secrets because we just don ‘ t know if doing so is the right thing. For everyone.

I am here to tell you that holding on to secrets is not a good thing. For anyone.

#1 – You are not protecting your loved one, even if you think you are.

This is the reason that most people hold onto a secret. They believe that not telling someone the truth will somehow help them. And this does seems logical because you trying to take care of someone who is important to you and sharing the secret might cause them pain.

But why do you think that you know what is best for someone? Yes, you think you really know that person, and you probably do, but by not giving them information that could possibly change their life you are doing them a disservice.

Everyone deserves the right to be in charge of his or her own destiny. You not telling them the truth takes away their power.

#2 – Telling the truth will allow the healing process to begin.

Think about when someone told you something that caused you some hurt. Yes, in the moment, and for many moments afterwards, life was a very difficult place. Perhaps even unbearable.

But it ‘ s the natural process that the body pushes through trauma, big or small, and starts healing. This is how we survive as a species. And we can only start healing when we know what we are dealing with.

Awareness is key.

#3 – Telling the truth will keep your head from exploding.

Holding onto a secret is terribly hard on one ‘ s psyche. Your brain and your heart are in constant conflict, one arguing for revealing the truth, one pushing against it. And the result? Your stomach hurts all the time. And your head threatens to explode.

When your body is telling you that what you are doing is not good it is important that you listen to it. Holding on to a secret can have long-term effects both on the body and the brain.

Imagine what it would feel like to not have this secret in your body. Pretty amazing, right?

#4 – Telling the truth will keep your loved one’s head from exploding.

People always know when you are hiding something, especially people who are close to you. We think we are so good at hiding things but those who know us know our tells. They know when we are stressed, or preoccupied, or being distant.

If they see these behaviors then your loved one might start to question themselves. Have they done something that has caused you to behave this way? Have they hurt you in some way? They might even ask you about it and when you aren ‘ t honest in return they are left hurt and wondering still.

Their brain and their heart will start arguing and their stomach will start to hurt and their head will threaten to explode. How is hiding this secret protecting them? How is not telling them the truth allowing them to start to heal?

It ‘ s just not.

#5 – You will help change the world.

Secrets are insidious. They can cause damage that seems in the moment and personal but which can be far reaching.

My mother had an affair with a married man for 10 years. He would call and mom would tell me that it was her lawyer (which he was, in fact, a lawyer, but not hers). Soon enough I realized what was going on and also knew that he wasn ‘ t leaving his wife and that my mom was miserable. I suffered from massive guilt that she was home alone and I would come home from college on weekends just to be with her. I was distracted from my life worrying about her. I started drinking and not doing well in school.

Repercussions carried forward into my adult life. I didn ‘ t believe that I should be cared for and therefore cared for everyone else at the expense of myself. My mother ultimately married her man and how I resented him for the years that he left my mother so unhappy. I didn ‘ t trust men and this will forever affect my relationship with them.

And then, at my mother’s funeral, her friends told me stories about my mom and her husband that blew my mind. While he hadn ‘ t left his wife, my mom and her lover were together more often than not. They traveled together extensively, trips I never knew about. They had weekend parties at our house where her husband and his friends would travel from Virginia. They even got married without including us.

All the guilt that I suffered was for naught. My mother was doing just fine. Not perfect, I know, but not as bad as she led me to believe by not telling me the truth.

How different might my life had been, and as a result, perhaps, the life of my ex-husband, my children and their children, if I had known the truth?

Many of us are scared of telling the truth, of the ramifications of our words and our fear that we will be blamed for anything that happens because of our actions.

But really, the best thing, for everyone, is to release those secrets out into the world, let happen what is going to happen, and then let the healing process begin.

So just do it. Stop keeping those secrets bottled up inside. You, and your loved ones, will be better for it.

Are you really struggling with telling the truth?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before it causes more damage.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways To Survive Change – Even if it’s Really Scary

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Things change. You either love it or you hate it. Are you wondering how to survive change even if it’s really scary?

Many people hate it. The prospect of a new job, moving to a new house, leaving a relationship or buying a new car can make those who resist change want to run for the hills.

I love change.

I have spent much of my life-changing things up. I have lived in San Francisco, Maine, Tokyo, Athens, Boulder, Vermont, Sydney, and NYC. Since I graduated from college, I have lived in 17 different homes and have worked in the hotel business, the food industry, retail management, and real estate sales, and now I am a life coach. I have been divorced and lived through my kids going off to college.

I am the person I am today because of opportunities for change that were presented to me throughout my life, ones I chose to pursue. And I love the person I am today.

They say that people who choose change are happier about it. The process can be messy, but once you get through it, life just might be what you have always wanted it to be.

How To Survive Change: 5 Ways

I am here today to help you get through that change so that you can live the life of your dreams.

#1 – Don ‘ t Forget To Breathe:

When presented with the possibility of change many people freeze up. The prospect is so terrifying that their body reacts as it would if faced with the specter of death. And then they run, run for their lives, from that change.

This is when it ‘ s important to remember to breathe. Without breath neither your brain nor your heart can function and making rational choices is impossible.

Think about when you drive by a tractor-trailer on the highway. It ‘ s a scary prospect and you start thinking of all the things that can go wrong. And you hold your breath in anticipation of those things. Next time, try taking a deep breath right before you pass that truck. The breath will calm your body and clear your mind and you will pass it with ease.

It ‘ s the same with change. Try it now. Inhale for 3 seconds, out for 5. Repeat as needed. Your heartbeat will slow and your mind will clear. Very helpful.

#2 – Remember, Change iS GOOD.

Many people are so unaccustomed to change that the prospect seems unbearable. This new thing is going to come in and shake up their lives and they don ‘ t think they can survive it.

But this just isn ‘ t true. We can survive anything. And research shows that most people who make a big change are happier on the other side. Happier. Sounds pretty good, right?

Think about a time earlier in your life when you faced major change. Now think about how you went about it and what the end result was. Was your life ultimately a better place because of that change? Even if things were really messy along the way? Think carefully.

The process can be difficult, and we will address that, but picture yourself on the other side of that change. Life will be different, yes. But that is not necessarily a bad thing.

#3 – Gather Information:

One of the most essential pieces of thriving in the face of change is the gathering of information. It is impossible to make an intelligent move without the right information.

It ‘ s time to make a list – a list of all of the positive things and all of the challenging things about your potential change.

If you are moving will it mean a bigger house? Better weather? A longer drive to school or work? An acre lawn to mow?

If it ‘ s a new job will it be better hours or pay? Will the dress code be challenging? Will your boss be someone much younger than you?

Once you have the list of your perceived pluses and minuses, address each minus individually.

A smaller house might seem a minus, but really a smaller house means less house to clean which would give you more time to do something fun instead.

A younger boss might seem a minus, but really a younger boss could teach you some new skills for the ever-evolving workplace. And the fact that you are older could mean built-in respect because of the years of working experience you bring to the table.

For every one thing that seems negative, there is a corresponding positive. You need to identify what those things are. Once you do you will feel ready to face real, substantial change.

#4 – No Negative Self Talk:

We are our own worst enemies. In the face of change, our brains tell us that we just can ‘ t do it. That we aren ‘ t smart enough or strong enough or that the change will destroy us.

Again, this just isn ‘ t true.

I have a client who has been given an amazing job opportunity. It has been literally placed at her feet and is hers for the taking. And she is struggling to accept it.

She thinks two things:

  1. That people will judge her for changing jobs AGAIN after just two years in her current position.
  2. That she will fail.

I asked her what she would think if she heard of someone switching jobs after 2 years. She said she would think, ‘ Wow. That person is really moving up in the world. She is being recognized for her successes. Good for her. ‘

I asked her to list all the reasons she would fail. Try as she might she couldn ‘ t name one reason. Her brain had been telling her that she would but she couldn ‘ t prove to me that what her brain was saying was true.

Again, our brains can make us our own worst enemies. Recognize that and talk back to that brain. Don ‘ t let it and it ‘ s pesky untruths hold you back.

#5 – Get Excited About The Possibilities:

Take a good look at that list that you made. Of all of the possibilities that your future holds.

Change is a scary thing but really it is also so exciting. You get a chance to do things differently, re-invent yourself, and maybe experience things you haven ‘ t before.

The first steps will most likely be difficult, and scary, but once you get started the sky is the limit. It ‘ s like starting out on a hiking trail and looking up. You wonder how the hell will you get up to the top. And then, when you do, after a fair amount of huffing and puffing, it’s just amazing. The sky is blue, and you can see forever. And looking down you can see how far you have come and feel pretty damn proud of yourself.

I am not saying that the prospect of change isn ‘ t scary and overwhelming. It is scary and will be overwhelming. What I am saying is to embrace it, to look at it as a positive thing even if your first reaction is ‘ not so much. ‘

In my last blog, I wrote about getting divorced. A friend of mine said he was jealous. How lucky I was that I got a chance for a reboot at 46 years old. And that ‘ s what I got. The reboot itself was rather painful, but I was given a new beginning and my life is now amazing. Truly.

I wish this kind of happiness on everyone I know and love. Take a risk. It will be worth it!

Are you struggling with how to survive change?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before it overwhelms you!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Reasons People Becomes Happier After A Divorce

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Can divorce make you happier? Let me tell you a story…

I remember I would wake up in the morning, looking forward to my day, and then would roll over and see the still warm, empty space next to me in bed. My stomach would sink. My husband had gone to the gym and I was glad because that meant I wouldn ‘ t have to see him.

As the day progressed we occasionally talked on the phone, mostly about bills and the kids ‘ schedules and whether he would make it home in time for dinner. Communications about the running of our family business. We were good at that.

I remember seeing his car drive in the driveway every night and thinking, ‘ Ok. This is it. Tonight I am going to hug him and be happy to see him. ‘ And he would walk in the door and go right to the stack of mail and rifle through it, something he knew I hated. There would be a perfunctory kiss, he would get a drink or two, and we would spend the rest of the night operating in parallel, dealing with homework and bedtime.

My husband and I never fought, but we were both desperately unhappy. 18 years of a thousand little cuts, of unresolved conflicts, of the contempt of the familiar, had wrought serious damage.

And even though we barely existed in the same space I really believed that somehow we would find our way back to each other. We had shared dreams for the future after all and how could we let those go?

One day he told me he wanted a divorce. He didn’t want to work on our marriage. He was done.

I was devastated.

What followed was one long year of divorce proceedings. It wasn’t very pleasant. And then it was all over. 18 years of marriage. Done.

Despite all of that, or perhaps because of it, here I am, 6 years later, living a life that is happier than I ever could have imagined. Yes, it is different from the one I thought I would be living with my husband, but it is most notably different because I am happy. Truly happy.

How can that be? Let me go on…

#1 – Your Kids Will Thrive:

The first thing that my son said to me when he learned we were separating was ‘ Good. Because I hate coming home. There is always so much tension. ‘ And this was true. Now, when he comes home, either to me or to his dad ‘ s, his home is cleared of the anger that used to cloud it.

My kids also now have a much better relationship with their dad. Before the divorce, I came between them. They spent more time with me and saw how unhappy I was, and they distanced themselves from him. Now they see their dad separately from me, and it has made them all closer, which is a gift.

Because I talk to them more openly than I did before, and I understand what went wrong with my marriage, my kids have a much clearer picture of what it takes to make a relationship work. That is something that I wish I had had when entering my marriage.

My kids are doing great in more ways than one. And that to me, is the most important thing.

#2 – No More “Thousand Little Cuts.”:

You know what I am talking about. Every day there was some kind of slight, big or small. The mail that was rifled through, the 3rd drink, the coming home late again, the snapping. We were constantly at each other, not overtly, but in ways that caused pain. We had unresolved issues and tons of resentment. We struggled to stay calm in each other’s presence. We lived in the same house but were always lonely.

My days are filled with happiness and contentment that I haven ‘ t known in a long time. I wake up in the morning without that sinking feeling in my stomach. I spend my days working, being with the kids, and living my life without the constant dread of the next little thing coming that would cause me pain.

This has made me a better person and a better mother. And have I mentioned it? Happier.

#3 – New Friendships:

One of the most beautiful parts of my single life is the number of new friendships I have developed.

When married, we tend to insulate ourselves from the rest of the world because of our relationship. We might have friends in other couples, but our primary relationship is with our spouse.

Now I have many friends of all different stripes who make my life fuller every day. And they say that good friendships are the number one cause of sustained happiness. How lucky am I?

#4 – Being Your Own Person:

For years I identified myself as someone ‘ s wife. Yes, I was a successful mom, realtor, and life coach, but every decision that I made about my life was made in consideration of my relationship with my spouse.

Now I live life the way I want to. Yes, I have my obligations to my kids and my job, and the US Treasury Department, but I get to live in a way that makes my heart sing.

I recently moved from Vermont to New York City, have a thriving life coaching business, and volunteer extensively with the National Alliance on Mental Illness. All things that I love.

The life that I am leading makes me happy every day.

#5 – A Life Full of Hope:

When I was married, I was so lonely and sad that I never had any hope for the future. When you live a life mired in unhappiness, positive thoughts for the future are impossible.

Now I know that the sky is the limit. I can have all the personal success I want as long as I am willing to go for it. I have my own business, of which I am proud, my kids are turning into amazing adults, and I have a man I love deeply with whom I hope to spend the rest of my life.

I have been through a lot, but it makes me who I am today. And I love who I am today ‘ ¦

When Angelina Jolie filed for divorce from Brad Pitt last year, her lawyer said she ‘ did it for the health of her family. ‘ A reporter declared, ‘ Love is Dead. ‘

I would say that love is not dead but very much alive. Angelina, recognizing that her marriage could not be salvaged, made the difficult decision to get out of it for her own health and her family’s health. So that they all could have the chance to be happy again; it is the end of something that wasn’t working and the beginning of something that will. An actual act of love.

I am not saying you should walk out on your marriage, but I encourage you to consider the bigger picture ‘ ¦your happiness and those around you. As I have said before, if you live a life that makes your heart sing, those you love will be better for it.

I am living proof that it happens. The photo at the top of this blog is me!

 

You must be struggling with your divorce if you have read this far.

 

Let me help you NOW so that you can start moving forward with your life!

 

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Small Things To Be Grateful For – Even When Life Is Getting You Down

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There some days where it’s really hard to find things to be grateful for, and some days it’s not hard at all.

Two weeks ago, my sister had an emergency appendectomy, and I have spent most of my time with her in Connecticut since then.

My sister has two teenage boys, two dogs, a coop full of chickens, a husband and a preschool to run. She cannot drive or lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk for two weeks. So here I am. Being her.

That I can do this, and take some time off from my life in NYC to help her out, makes me feel very grateful. Grateful that I have the kind of career that allows me flexibility with where and when I work. If I couldn ‘ t be here my sister ‘ s illness would have had a far greater impact on her family so I know she is also grateful.

These past weeks have got me thinking about everything I am grateful for in this world. There are many things, big and small that I so appreciate. Life can be challenging, and if it weren ‘ t for the little things, it would sometimes seem unbearable. What kind of little things?

#1 – Comfort Food:

We all have it. That certain something that we love to eat. That something that we fantasize about if the day is going very badly.

For me, it ‘ s Thai food. Whenever I am having a bad day, I promise myself at the end of the day, some Pad Thai will be part of my evening. The prospect calms me down immediately and lifts my spirits.

And of course, the chocolate pudding that I eat for dessert doesn ‘ t hurt either.

And for that, I am grateful.

#2 – Smiles:

Think about that morning when everything went wrong. You woke up late, there was no hot water, your coffee was cold, and you had nothing to wear. Your day was gonna suck.

And then you take the elevator down to the lobby and walk out onto the street, your sunglasses on, prepared to fight the world. You round the corner and almost run into a stranger, a stranger who smiles broadly and says good morning. Reflexively you smile back.

It changes your whole day.

The actual act of smiling, using the muscles to turn your mouth upwards, has been proven to lift your mood. I know that when my kids were little, and I was feeling overwhelmed just smiling at them made me feel better.

And for that, I am grateful.

#3 – The Sun And the Moon:

Imagine a world without the sun. Imagine being unable to turn your face up to it and feeling immediately warmed. Imagine a world without flowers or grass or hummingbirds. Imagine a world where it is always dark. How lucky are we that we have the sun and all the warmth and beauty it brings?

And then there ‘ s the moon. There is nothing like looking up at the night sky and seeing that brilliant light shining down, the orb passing through it ‘ s nightly phases, to truly strike awe. When it ‘ s full, it can turn the night into a magical daytime. When it ‘ s new the world feels safe, held close by the darkness.

When I look at the moon each night I know that those I love who aren ‘ t with me can see that same moon and it makes the world just a little smaller and the love a little brighter.

And for that I am grateful.

#4 – Hot Water:

This is one thing that I never think about until it ‘ s not there. And when it ‘ s not there, I notice.

Think about that shower that you took this morning. Was it almost as important to you as that coffee (made with hot water) you drank right afterward? How about that bathtub you are going to sink into tonight? To soak your weary bones and have a few moments of peace. Lovely.

Hot water keeps our clothes and dishes clean, heats our homes, cooks our pasta and dissolves our sugar. Without hot water, our life would be a much different place.

And I get that cup of tea at the end of the day that warms me to my toes right before I take my bath.

And for that I am grateful.

#5 – My Bed:

Is there anything better in the whole world than one ‘ s bed?

A bed with soft sheets, the perfect number of pillows, and that cozy comforter on a cool night. Heaven.

It ‘ s a place where you can take refuge at the end of an endless day, a place to curl up with your kids, a place where you get to read that fantastic book you fall asleep to every night, a place where you can talk quietly with the one you love, among other things.

No matter how crazy, jam-packed and exhausting my life is, at the end of every day I have my bed.

And for that, I am grateful.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of small things. It is just the beginning.

Stop for a moment. Look around. For what are you grateful?

There are days when life can be almost too much to bear. Take a few minutes to take stock of what you are grateful for. I promise if you do, you will be able to bear it.

Are you struggling with finding things to be grateful for?
I know it can be hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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