5 Ways to Know When It’s Time to Break Up with Someone

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Recognizing when it ‘ s time to break up with someone is one of the hardest things to do.

We get into relationships with so many hopes and dreams and, when they start to go awry, it ‘ s hard for us to face the facts. As a result, we struggle to figure out when it ‘ s time to break up with someone because we just don ‘ t want to face it.

I am guessing all of your friends are telling you many reasons why you should be breaking up with your person but you think that they don ‘ t know him the way you do so why should you listen? I ‘ m here to tell you that there are five concrete, universal signs that you should look for to know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone. Listen and learn ‘ ¦

#1 – If they lie to you more than once.

Does your person lie to you? Do they lie to you over and over? If yes, then it might just be time to break up with them.

We all tell lies. Sometimes little white lies to prevent us from hurting someone else. Sometimes lies because we are embarrassed by something we did. Sometimes lies that are unintentional.

The difference between these kind of lies and the kind of lies that show it ‘ s time to break up with someone is their frequency.

Do find that you are continually catching your person in a lie? Do they lie about why they came home late or why they can ‘ t see you or who they were hanging out with or whether they left the dishes in the sink?

Even worse, do you find they are lying to you over and over and over about the same subject, sometimes using different lies but often just some version of the one they used before?

People who lie in their relationships do so to protect themselves. They know that they are doing things that they shouldn ‘ t be doing and they feel guilty about it, so they lie. They don ‘ t want to get into a fight with you about the dishes in the sink, so they lie. They don’t want you to come along, so they lie.

And do they always lie again when they are caught in a lie?

If you are finding that your person is lying to you over and over then it ‘ s definitely time to break up with them.

Healthy relationships are built on trust and if you can ‘ t trust your person you have no chance of being happy. Furthermore, a person who is lying to you over and over is not someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. Finally, who wants to spend their whole life not believing a thing that their person is saying to them.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!

#2 – If they disappear.

Be honest. At the beginning of your relationship was your person always around and available? Did they text you all day long, call you late at night, always wanting to know what you were doing, what you were wearing, when they were going to see you next? And, do they still do that? Again, be honest.

A big sign that it ‘ s time to break up with someone is when your person disappears. If they usually text you good morning and they stop, that ‘ s a sign they may not be still into you. If they are AWOL for a few hours where normally they might be available, that ‘ s a sign that you might not be able to trust them. If they say they will spend time with you but then have an excuse for why they were doing something else, how can you not wonder why they didn ‘ t want to be with you.

Imagine if you had a friend who was consistently letting you down, not responding to your text messages, blowing off dates, disappearing when you needed them. Would you stay with a friend like that? Would you invest more time on someone who doesn ‘ t have the respect for you and your time that you deserve? Of course, you wouldn ‘ t. That friend would be sidelined immediately.

So, if you would let go of a friend who did that, why wouldn ‘ t you let go of a person who was doing that to you? Having a lover doing it to you is even worse than a friend because they are supposed to be your person, they are supposed to be prioritizing you, they should love and respect you enough that they will be there when they say they would.

If you person keeps disappearing, stop making excuses for them and let them go.

#3 – If history keeps repeating itself.

Ok, we have covered lying and disappearing and the fact that if those things are done over and over its definitely time to break up with someone.

People fight, people mistreat each other, people call each other bad names. People disappear and reappear without an excuse. People break up with each other and then they get back together. People watch ahead on the series that you were watching together.

Those things happen – we are only human and make mistakes all the time.

That being said, if you find that you and your person are having the same fight over and over, then it might be time to end things.

If you find that you break up and get back together and then break up and get back together, that is definitely a sign that your relationship should be stopping at the break up next time.

If your person goes out with their ex and lies about it, over and over, then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

So, think about your relationship? Do the same things keep happening over and over with no change? Do you get promises that things will be different next time only to have them be the exact same? Do you find you are repeatedly fighting about the same stupid thing without any resolution?

If you said yes to any of those things, it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with someone.

#4 – If they remind you of your ex.

Do you ever find yourself in a fight with your person and does it suddenly pop into your head that they are just like your ex?

When your partner has another excuse for why he won ‘ t be around, do you think back to all of the times that your ex used to do the same thing?

When you reach out for a hug only to be rebuffed, do you remember how your ex always had an excuse for why they couldn ‘ t touch you?

Unless we do our work after a breakup, unless we take the time to determine what went wrong and resolve to not repeat the same mistakes, we tend to choose the same type of person over and over and over. And, as a result, we find ourselves in the same position over and over and over – in an unhappy relationship.

If you are seeing your ex in your current partner then it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with them. After all, your ex is your ex for a reason. Do you want to waste your time repeating history or do you want to walk away now and find someone who couldn ‘ t be more unlike your ex and who could potentially make you deliriously happy?

#5 – If your gut says it’s time.

This is the hardest sign to look out for. If it wasn ‘ t, you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article.

Our gut is always accurate! Always. And yet it is the thing that we tend to ignore more than anything. And that is why there are so many relationship coaches out there – to help us to see what we already know but aren ‘ t willing to face.

Think about your previous relationships. Did you see a red flag with someone right away but choose to ignore it, hoping that you were wrong? Did your gut tell you that your person was lying to you but did you ignore it, wanting so badly to believe them? Did your gut tell you that things were not okay when their touch no longer made you happy?

I am guessing that, in retrospect, you are wishing that you had paid more attention to your gut and not wasted so much time chasing something that wasn ‘ t meant to be.

If you are feeling, in your gut, that it is time to break up with someone, then it is time to break up with someone. My list will be very helpful for you to process this situation intellectually but it is the feeling that you get in your gut, the one that says run for the hills, that is really the indicator that it is time to break up with someone.

So, listen to it!

Knowing when it ‘ s the time to break up with someone is something that we sometimes just don ‘ t want to face.

We are so scared of being alone or not finding someone who can love us or hoping that things will change it makes us unable to face the very clear clues that the time has come to end the relationship. And so we stay and we suffer.

Keep an eye open for the signs, that they are lying or disappearing over and over and over. If they remind you of your ex or if your gut says to run. If you see those signs and you want to live happily ever, after then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away and find the right person for you!

You can do it! I promise!

5 Things to Do if You Can’t Get Over Your Wife Cheating

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In spite of all of your best efforts, are you finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating?

Do you want more than anything to do so so that you can move forward and out of this pain but find you just can ‘ t?

Is this inability to get over your wife cheating making you wonder if maybe the best thing to do is to just stuff it all down and hope it passes?

I get it. Everything you are struggling with is natural after finding that a partner has cheated.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to figure out what the next steps are, even if you haven ‘ t been able to get over your wife cheating.

Here are 5 of them:

#1 – Decide what you want.

Ok, so you are finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating and, since you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are finding this very frustrating.

My question to you is – why you are finding this so frustrating?

Are you finding it frustrating because you want to forgive her so that you can stay together and live happily ever after?

Are you finding it frustrating because you find yourself hating her and you don ‘ t want to hate the mother of your children?

Are you finding it frustrating because you so want to end the marriage but you think that leaving isn’t an option if you can ‘ t past your wife ‘ s infidelity, that if you just leave you will be stuck in this cycle of anger forever?

Are you finding it frustrating because your friends are sick of hearing about this subject?

Is it something else completely?

Whatever the reason, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want, to set a goal that you are working towards. Why? Because without a goal to move towards, action is difficult.

If you want to get past your wife cheating because you would like to stay with her and live happily ever after then that will entail one course of action – most likely therapy.

If you want to get past your wife cheating for the kids, there is another course of action. Again, probably therapy to help you both manage the effect the infidelity will have on the kids.

If you want to get past your wife cheating so that you can move on without bad feelings then that ‘ s a whole other course of action, one that involves you doing what you need to do, not you as a couple need to do, to make that possible.

Whatever your reason for wanting to let go of your wife cheating, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ you want to get over it and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want the outcome to be. There might not be just one outcome that you want but pick the one that feels the best in your stomach, the one that would feel like the best outcome at this time. It might be challenging but you can do it!

Of course, you might not be able to get the outcome that you want, ultimately, but you will have no chance, whatsoever, of getting it if you don ‘ t know what it is!

#2 – Tell her what you want.

Once you have decided what you want, it is important that you share this with your spouse. Even if you are still somewhat struggling with what you want, tell her that you could like to aim towards the thing that you decided you want to aim towards.

Why? Because it ‘ s important to know that you are on the same page before you take next steps.

If you want to stay together and be happy and she doesn ‘ t, you can decide whether or not you want to try anyway.

If you want out and she doesn ‘ t, then at least she knows what you want and she can decide if she wants to do the work to help your marriage end in a way that will help you all heal.

Whatever it is you want, it is important that you both know the direction that whatever work you do is headed.

How good would it feel for you to be on a path towards letting go, no matter what the outcome is? Because getting on that path, no matter the outcome, is better than standing still, not sure what steps to take next.

#3 – Be honest.

So – tell me the truth. Have you been honest with your spouse about how you feel about what has happened?

Those of us who have struggled with a spouse ‘ s infidelity all react in different ways. For me, I confronted the issue head on. I screamed and yelled and cried and talked and asked questions. I wanted to deal with this and move past it.

But that isn ‘ t always the way. For many people, learning about infidelity causes them to close down. Instead of telling their spouse how they feel about the cheating, they stay in their head, obsessing about what happened, imagining scenarios that may or may not be based on the truth.

Or perhaps you are acting like everything is fine. That the affair is over and you are ok with that and that you want to move on. Even if it ‘ s a lie.

Or perhaps you want more than anything to talk about it but you have been giving your wife the silent treatment because you are scared of the words that might be said.

What I can tell is that, if you aren ‘ t being honest with yourself, or your partner, about your feelings then there isn ‘ t any chance that you will be able to get over your wife cheating.

Stuffing down your feelings will only lead to more anger, not less, which is not what you want, I am guessing, if you are reading this article.

#4 – Explore your options.

One of the things that happen when we find out that our partners have been unfaithful is that we wonder what the future will look like.

We thought we had it all figured out. That the marriage would continue, even if there were issues. That love and respect were still part of your relationship and that would be enough to carry you through. That if you could just make it until the kids go off to college you guys would be ok!

Unfortunately, infidelity throws a wrench into all of those plans and we are left alone, afraid of the future.

I always encourage my clients who are struggling with exactly what you are struggling with to gather some information about what your future could look like.

While you might think that a future together would be impossible, reading up on other people ‘ s experiences might be helpful. Talking together with a therapist might help make the vision of the future a little clearer.

If you want to walk away from the marriage, perhaps you are hesitant to do so because of what could happen if you do. I know that when my husband left me I held on tight. I was scared that I would have to do my own taxes and that I would lose my health care and and have to get a low paying job and move out of my house. My research led me to understand that I wouldn ‘ t necessarily have to get a low paying job or lose my house. I could still get health insurance through the state and my taxes, well, I would think about those later. Knowing the answers to my questions helped me to have a clearer picture of what a future without my husband might look like

Without concrete information, making a decision about something, namely what your future looks like, is impossible. And, if you are stuck in this place where you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating, it might be because you are scared of the future and feeling stuck.

Knowing your options might help change that.

#5 – Take Action.

The number one most important thing for you to do if you are finding that you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating is to finish this article and then stand up and take action.

I am guessing that for days, weeks or months you have been in a state of shock. Angry, sad, guilty, perhaps blaming yourself, scared, depressed. And during that time, I am guessing that you worked out really hard or drank a few more beers than usual. Or both. And while doing those things can numb the pain, they won ‘ t help you let go of your wife ‘ s cheating.

Now is the time to change that. Instead of being stuck in this place of limbo, where you can ‘ t move on in any direction, imagine what it would feel like if you started working towards the life you want.

Imagine doing the work, with or without your wife, to get past feelings that have been holding you back, towards a future where you don ‘ t spend every moment of every day thinking about your wife ‘ s infidelity. Wouldn ‘ t that feel good?

So, get up off the couch and take action. Work to identify, RIGHT NOW, what it is that you want and take a step towards it, even a small one. A small step is better than no step at all.

Working to let go of your wife cheating is not an easy thing. That iswhy you find yourself in this place, being unable to do so.

But I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to let go of your spouse ‘ s infidelity and move forward, to stop being stuck in this in-between place that is sucking you dry.

Identify what you want, be clear with your wife about what it is, be honest with her, and everyone, about how you are feeling, explore your options and take action!

You don ‘ t know what the future holds – all you know that you want to be out of the place that you are now.

And you can do it – you just have to start now!

5 Ways to Survive the Holidays While in a Toxic Relationship

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Are you looking for ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

With everything else that is going on during the holidays, does your toxic relationship increase your stress and keep you from enjoying what is wonderful about the season?

Daily life is hard enough in a toxic relationship. Are you wondering how you will be able to make it through the holidays this year without losing your mind?

There are ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship and reading this article is an excellent first step for you to do so.

So, how does one survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

#1 – Avoid triggers.

Be honest with yourself. There must be triggers that can turn your relationship from good to bad, maybe even on the turn of a dime. I am guessing those triggers are pretty consistent and you know exactly what they are.

I would encourage you to take stock of those triggers and to do whatever you can to avoid them during the holiday season.

If you always fight about putting up the Christmas lights, perhaps just let your partner do it this year. If you always fight about your relationship with your parents, try to figure out a way to not have that be an issue. If you always fight because the house is messy, perhaps make an extra effort to keep it tidy.

A toxic relationship is a minefield of triggers, things that usually make things turn sour. If you can avoid them, and maybe even talk to your partner about avoiding them too, you are way more likely to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#2 – Don ‘ t expect things to be different.

Every year, many people in toxic relationships go into the holidays hoping that things are going to be different this year. Hoping that the disaster that was last Christmas won ‘ t happen again or that the toxicity that pervades your daily life will dissipate during the holiday season.

Unfortunately, unless you and your partner have been able to work on your toxic relationship over the course of the past year, things most likely won ‘ t be different.

For my ex and me, whenever a birthday or holiday approached, there was an issue around spending time with family. How I had spent my birthdays and holidays was very different from how he had spent his. I wanted to be at home with just our immediate family and he wanted to travel to see his extended family. Every holiday we fought about what we were going to do. And, every holiday, once it was over, we just ignored what had happened and moved on. Until the next holiday and the issue, and the fighting, came up again.

This issue was a huge bone of contention with my ex and as Christmas approached, it became even BIGGER! Pretty much the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas we struggled with this issue. And it made the holidays significantly less enjoyable.

And, every year, because we hadn ‘ t dealt with the issue earlier, the monster raised its ugly head again.

I believe that, if we had made an effort to deal with it over the years, instead of just ignoring it, then things might actually have had a chance to be different.

But we didn ‘ t – and things just remained the same.

#3 – Control your own emotions and reactions.

You cannot change someone else nor can you change someone else ‘ s emotional reactions but you can change yours.

I am sure that the toxic encounters you have with your partner bring out many emotions. Anger, contempt, unhappiness and frustration are a few that come to mind. And those emotions can get BIG and make those encounters even worse!

I would encourage you to try, during this holiday season, to control those emotions. To try to not let them make issues even bigger.

If your partner does something that normally triggers you, I would encourage you to pause and take a deep breath before you react. Pause and notice what your emotions are. And, if you can, take a few more deep breaths and try to calm down your nervous system so that you don ‘ t react in a destructive way.

If you can control your emotions, if you can control your reactions to your partner ‘ s behaviors, you might be able to take the toxicity down a notch and that might go a long way towards being able to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Ask family and friends for help.

Many of our family and friends know that we are in toxic relationships and many of them do what they can to support us throughout the year. And yet, for some reason, during the holiday season, things can be different. People get caught up in their own stuff and forget about yours.

I would encourage you to, if your friends or family are in any way contributors to the toxicity in the holiday, ask them for help.

My mother used to help me get through the holidays. How? By accepting the fact that I would not be able to spend a lot of time with her because I had to spend time with my ex ‘ s family. She made an extra special effort to get us all together another time with year, a time of year that wasn ‘ t full of the holiday craziness. Not only did this help her to not be disappointed at Christmas, but it also tempered the conflict between my ex and me and that made Christmas just a little bit more bearable.

Being in a toxic relationship is hard to manage on your own. If you can ask for the support of those who love you, it might help you survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship in a way that might be different from if you were doing it on your own.

#5 – Know that the holidays will end.

So many of us dread this holiday season because of everything that happens. All the present buying, the baking, the pressure to see family etc. will put a tremendous amount of pressure on any relationship. The pressure on a toxic relationship is even more so.

What I always tell people to keep in mind is that ,on January 2, the holiday season will be over. All the pressure that they are struggling with will be over. And with the holidays being over, things can go back to normal.

I know that, if you are in a toxic relationship, normal isn ‘ t necessarily a great thing but normal is probably better than it is during the holiday season. And, when you get to January 2, you will have actually survived another holiday! Well done!

Surviving the holidays while in a toxic relationship can be very difficult to do.

Many of the things that I have suggested are things that YOU can do to get through this crazy time. I know you don ‘ t believe that you should have to make all the compromises to keep your relationship on even ground during the holidays but if you truly want to survive them, making compromises might be the key.

Again, you can not change someone else ‘ s reactions and behaviors, but you can change your own. And that is the key to survival this season – your reactions.

All of this being said, January is the time of year where the high numbers of people file for divorce. Many people think, after the dreadful holiday season, that they just can ‘ t do this one more year. As a result, they walk away. And this just might be an option for you. If you can keep your head down and get through the holiday season, you might be able to make change on the other side.

In the meantime, knowing ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship is an important way to keep yourself together and to enjoy the holidays as best you can.

You can do it!

5 Things a Guy is Thinking if He Won’t Commit But Still Won’t Let You Go

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Do you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go? Are you wondering ‘ ˜what the hell is he thinking? ‘

For many of my clients, they believe that, if their guy won ‘ t commit, it is because he is ‘ ˜confused about his feelings ‘ or ‘ ˜that he loves me but feels conflicted. ‘

I can tell you that, more likely than not, your guy isn ‘ t thinking either one of those things, or anything like those things.

Below you will find 5 things that your guy is really thinking if he won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go. If you can understand what he is thinking about, you might find the strength to let him go and move on.

#1 – ‘ ˜She is great but I want to keep my options open. ‘

I know – at the beginning of the relationship your guy treated you like a queen. He made you feel loved and special and you want that back so much.

So, you might be thinking that your guy is thinking that he wants to get back to that place and that if you just wait long enough and are nice enough to him he will get there.

Nope, that is not what he is thinking. He is thinking that you are great, because you are, but that he knows that you aren ‘ t who he wants to be with. But, he doesn ‘ t want to be alone so he is keeping you around until he can find someone else.

Don ‘ t believe he will ever go back to the beginning – that he will see you as a possibility. If he won’t commit but still won’t let you go, I am afraid that ship has sailed and he is thinking it every day, even right after he has sex with you!

 

#2 – ‘ ˜I know that she is not the girl for me but the sex is great. ‘

This will probably come as no surprise to you but men love sex. LOVE sex and will do just about anything to get it.

So, if you are willing to have sex with him, even if he gives you nothing but breadcrumbs, why would he let you go? If there is sex available to him with no strings attached, why wouldn ‘ t he take it?

Furthermore, people who are in relationships that are volatile usually have great sex. It ‘ s something about the chemicals that are created during conflict that can lead to great sex. So, if you are in a place where you are constantly arguing about his behavior, that might keep the sex really good. And who wants to let go of great sex – especially great sex that can be gotten for free.

#3 – ‘I don ‘ t want her but I don ‘ t want anyone else to have her either.’

If a guy wants a girl he will do anything that he can to keep her.

He will stay in touch, spend time with her, tell her that he cares, do nice things. He will make her feel special and loved.

A guy who doesn ‘ t want to be with a girl, but doesn ‘ t have the guts to tell her, will not do any of those things. He will give her crumbs. He will have sex with her and hang out with her when he feels like it but that is it. And she will be left begging for those crumbs and thinking that they are enough.

Ironically, that guy who doesn ‘ t want a girl often doesn ‘ t want anyone else to have her. Why? Because he has it good – he can keep his eye open for someone else, have sex with her, let her take care of him and all the other good stuff that comes with a relationship – without having to give her anything in return.

So, if your guy is being possessive, don ‘ t think it ‘ s because he loves you. It ‘ s because he likes what he has with you – for the time being.

#4 – ‘I am so bored.’

Does your guy reach out to you late at night? Or on a Sunday afternoon? Do you feel special because you know that he is thinking about you right before bed or at half time during the game? Do you use those moments to prove to yourself that he will come back to you because he still loves you?

Let me tell you, that is not what he is thinking. At bed time he is bored (and maybe horny) and he knows that you are on the other end of the phone, waiting to hear from him. At halftime, he has nothing to do so he drops you a text to keep him busy until the game starts again.

If you only hear from him sporadically, what he is not thinking is that he misses you or wishes you were with him, no matter what he says!

#5 – ‘Did I get my heart rate up enough during my bike ride?’

Be honest, if you are in a situation where you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go, do you spend 99% of your day thinking about it?

Do you journal, talk to your girlfriends, google the topic, obsess about what went wrong? Of course you do. All women do.

Let me tell you that guys just don ‘ t do this. If a guy isn ‘ t interested in a woman, she is gone from his mind until he is bored or horny. He won ‘ t spend a second processing what happened, what went wrong or what ‘ s next. He will live in the moment, thinking about things that are important to him.

I believe that if guys could process what happened in their relationships, instead of focusing on sports or work or whatever else they are involved in, then women wouldn ‘ t have to spend 99% of their time wondering what is going on. Why? Because men would be able to talk about how they are feeling and not leave women hanging, not knowing what has happened.

And, if that happened, women could move on and find someone who can really love them!

I know that you want to believe that if a guy won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go that that he is conflicted and that if you just love him enough he will come back to you.

And I wish it was true but it isn ‘ t.

Again, if a man wants a woman he will move heaven and earth to get her. A guy who is giving you crumbs but doesn ‘ t want a relationship with you will not be constantly thinking about what ‘ s going on. He might give you a passing thought as he goes about his day but that ‘ s it.

I know hearing this is painful but the sooner you can accept it and move on, the more likely you are to find the love you are seeking.

And it is out there, waiting for you! So, get a move on!

Why Grieving the End of Your Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

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Are you reading this because you are wondering why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship and, perhaps, feeling like a loser because of it?

You should be overjoyed right? You just escaped a toxic relationship, after all that time suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself grieving.

I bet it ‘ s super confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I believe that understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a big step towards letting go of the pain and moving on. To that end, below are 5 reasons why you are experiencing grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to cope so that you can move forward and be happy.

#1 – You truly believed things were fixable.

So many of my clients tell me that they won ‘ t walk away from their abusive relationships because they aren ‘ t quitters.

They truly believe that if they just love their person enough, if they stand by their side in spite of abusive behaviors, that their person will change and they will be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of your breakup, and you are grieving because you weren ‘ t able to fix them, or the relationship. You might feel like you have let everyone down. You might even feel like you have abandoned your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you might have tried, your person wasn ‘ t fixable unless they wanted to be fixed. And you are probably grieving this fact – that you couldn ‘ t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you beyond sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. No one can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You didn’t fail. You couldn ‘ t have made any change alone, no matter how hard you tried to do so.

#2 – You blame yourself.

One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire his lover and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy again. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? That he isn’t lying to her but that she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, his gaslighting, she truly questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship was toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person was making your life difficult and, while you might have played a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#3 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, it ‘ s so hard when you are grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you believe that you will never be happy again. Right now, it just seems impossible. But I would also argue that a lot of your grieving comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are still grieving after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed about the break up but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they grieve.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard and that you REALLY don’t feel like doing it but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#4- You believed you were soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you shared with your person islike none other? That the intense passion and connection that you shared can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go is such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship, especially toxic relationships because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

I mean, how cansomeone who hurts you over and over be your soulmate? Really, how can they?

If you can accept that this person who abused you is not your soulmate (even if it felt that way in the beginning) then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.

I did.

#5- You have to let go of dreams for the future.

I have a client who was abused one time too many and made the decision to finally walk away.

For her, she saw her family die in that moment. She saw that the dreams she had of an intact family and grandchildren coming home and growing old with someone had been dashed, maybe forever.

And she believed she might be alone forever, that she would never love, or be loved, again.

One of the reasons you are still experiencing grief is because you are grieving the loss of those dreams for the future and that your new future is scary and murky.

What I can tell you, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship, that leaving this situation is the only way that your dreams for the future will come true. You will find love and happiness again. I promise!

Grieving the end of your toxic relationship is not only totally normal but it could be the best thing that could be happening to you right now.

Why? Because it means that you are moving forward.

Letting go of an abusive relationship comes in stages – much like death. Right now, you are grieving. And grieving is one of the 7 steps of getting past loss. The other are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, and acceptance/hope. I am betting that you are through some of those as well.

But I promise you that this grieving the end of your toxic relationship will pass. You will come to accept that the past is the past and look towards the future, a future filled with happiness and love.

5 Things to Never Ignore if You Want a Healthy Relationship

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Knowing what things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship is a key part of keeping your relationship in good health.

We so often see lists of all the things we need to do to keep our relationship happy but it ‘ s rare to see one that talks about the things that we might not see, the things that might be happening in our relationship right now, things that we might be ignoring that are taking us down a dangerous path.

I know that, when I was married, there were plenty of signs that I ignored, plenty of small signals that were there, ones that, if I had noticed them, would have showed me how unhappy my relationship truly was.

To that end, I ‘ m going to share with you now 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Knowing them will help you have a healthy relationship, one with staying power!

#1 – You have stopped talking to each other.

Think about it.

When was the last time your partner came home from work and you put down what you were doing and greeted them?

When was the last time you talked about something other than the children or work?

When was the last time you connected on any meaningful topic?

When was the last time you had pillow talk before you went to bed?

When was the last time you talked about an issue that really needed to be discussed instead of avoiding it?

Every healthy relationship ‘ ˜to do ‘ list talks about the importance of communication. And yes, it is so very important. But it ‘ s important to not just discuss the ‘ ˜issues ‘ but also to talk about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel connected, that makes you feel interested in each other. The stuff that has always made you laugh together.

If you notice that you guys are no longer talking to each other, if your conversations consist purely of talk about the kids and/or fighting, then it ‘ s definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#2 – You are kicking things down the road.

If there is one thing I regret more than anything else in my marriage, it ‘ s that I, we, kicked things down the road, we put off dealing with things that should have been addressed immediately.

I think we both knew that there were issues in our marriage but both of us hoped that, if we were patient and if life eventually got less crazy, we would be able to work through them. Because we believed that to be true, we tended to ignore our issues and focus on life and the kids. Over time, our issues got bigger because we didn ‘ t address them. And then, one day, they were just too big and our marriage ended.

You know when you have a work project or a homework project due and you work on it regularly so that you know you will be able to pass it in on time and get a good grade or positive feedback. You know what happens when you don ‘ t do that – when you procrastinate and get it done at the last minute? How does that work out? Not so great, I would imagine.

That was my marriage. We started out eager to work hard to be happy but, as time went on and things got harder, we started procrastinating, assuming that we would one day be able to get our project in on time, successfully.

We didn ‘ t.

#3 – You are making decisions on your own.

I remember very well when my daughter came home from her second week of high school and announced that she wanted to go to boarding school. We had just moved to Boulder and she was at her first public school and she hated it. More than anything.

She went upstairs, did research on boarding schools, and within an hour, found two that she was interested in attending.

Without even talking to my husband, I reached out to both of those schools to see if they might have availability for a last-minute entrant. One of them did. I made an appointment to visit that school over the weekend with my daughter.

I did all of this without checking with my husband.

By the time he got home, I had created a narrative that I shared with him, one where it seemed like I asked him his opinion about what he thought about our daughter going to boarding school, but, really, I knew the decision had already been made.

What should have happened is that my daughter sat down with both of her parents and we could have all talked through what she wanted to do and made a decision together. If we had done that, I believe that my husband and I, because we were sharing the decision making, would have stayed closer to each other instead of being driven further apart.

Instead, I took over and made the decision, leaving my husband, I am sure, not feeling like a part of a team. But he didn ‘ t say anything and I did the same thing over and over. And he did too.

Making decisions unilaterally is definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#4 – You aren ‘ t making each other a priority.

I know, I know. Life is crazy. There are children, and careers, and parents, and exercise, and TikTok, and Instagram, and TV. But there is also your relationship and it is important to make sure that it is taken into consideration, always.

What if I asked you where on that list above you would put your relationship. Would you put it first? Third? Fifth? Choose one and take note.

Now, think about how that looks in real life. Do you treat your partner like they are first, third or fifth or are they usually (or always) at the end of your list? Or perhaps you MEAN to make them first, third or fifth and other things get in the way.

Try to think about your relationship like you do your job. You have to go to work every day and focus on the job so that you can get it done and get it done well. Can you have the same perspective in your relationships? Can you remember that it ‘ s important to work on them every day, to get the job done well?

I would encourage you to make your relationship one of your top (if not your top) priorities and make sure that you stick to it.

You would be amazed at how many little hurts can be overcome if your person knows that you make them a priority every day and never put them last.

#5 – You have stopped touching each other.

When you were first together, did you and your partner regularly touch? Did you hug, put your arms around each other as you walked down the street, hold hands at the movies? Was touching a normal part of your day, one that felt as natural as could be?

Do you do that anymore?

For many people, the first thing that goes as couples become disconnected from each other is touching. It isn ‘ t because couples no longer care, but it ‘ s that they no longer have the inclination, or the time, to do so. And letting go of touch is letting of a big part of a romantic connection.

Touch is incredibly important in an intimate relationship. And not necessarily just sex – it ‘ s important to hold hands, to hug, to pat someone ‘ s butt as they walk by.

Touching your partner intimately sets that relationship apart from every other relationship in your life and being different makes that relationship special. If you continue to touch, if reaching for each other ‘ s hand is still the norm and not the exception, then your relationship will have an excellent chance of staying healthy.

So, there you go – 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

Remember, there are many lists out there of things you should do to have a healthy relationship but it ‘ s really important to know the things not to ignore NOW if you want to make sure that your relationship stays strong

If you have stopped communicating, if you aren ‘ t dealing with issues in a timely manner, if you are making plans on your own, if you put your partner at the end of your list and if you stop touching each other, these things are all signs that a healthy relationship could be in jeopardy.

I encourage you to take action right now, to not ignore these things and to work WITH YOUR PARTNER to keep your relationship healthy. One person in a relationship can not do all the work to keep it healthy. It is a team effort so make sure that you share this list with your partner so that you can work together to keep your relationship and healthy and happy one!

You can do it!

15 Inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes

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When you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, some ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ quotes might be just the thing to help you do so.

When you are wondering if you can let go of someone who is treating you badly, do you believe that the words of others might provide you the support and guidance that you need?

When you know that the words of someone who has been where you are now and come out the other side happier, stronger and clearer, will you be inspired to believe that the same could happen for you?

Let me share 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You” quotes so that you can find the strength to do what you know it is you need to do!

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‘Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.’- Ann Landers

‘Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we ‘ re settling for.’ – Mandy Hale

‘If you didn ‘ t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.’- Sarah Dessen

‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.’- Carl Jung

‘If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.’ – Michael Bassey Johnson

‘Let go of certainty. The opposite isn ‘ t uncertainty. It ‘ s openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose upsides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.’ – Tony Schwartz

‘Renew, release, let go. Yesterday ‘ s gone. There ‘ s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can ‘ t ‘ should ‘ ve ‘ done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Holding on is believing that there ‘ s only a past; letting go is knowing that there ‘ s a future.’ – Daphne Rose Kingma

‘Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don ‘ t care, but because they don ‘ t.’ – Anon

‘People don ‘ t care for you when you are alone. They just care for you when they are alone.’ – Anon

‘If you want to live, stop asking permission, do it now and regret later.”‘- Anon

‘A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting ‘ ¦If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.’ – Autumn Kohler

‘Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.’ – Dennisse Lisseth

‘I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.’ – James Baldwin

‘Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it ‘ s over and you ‘ re relieved.’ – John Green

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So there go you – 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes.

I am hoping that these quotes will help you to make the decision that you need to make, to help you manage the pain and to know that there is a light at the end of the rainbow.

Because there is. You just need to take that first step towards it!

You can do it!

 

 

5 Ways to Know When to Walk Away After Infidelity

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Knowing when to walk away after infidelity is very important.

The trauma of discovering infidelity is devastating and it leaves us with jumbled thoughts and no idea how to move forward. As a result, we often make choices that are not in our best interest, choices that can drag out recovery indefinitely.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity, keeping a lookout for signs that will let you know that it is time, is the key to making sure that the infidelity doesn ‘ t affect the rest of your life.

Here are five ways to know when to walk away after infidelity. Understanding them might help you take the steps forward that you need to take to get through this.

#1 – The cheater refuses to take ownership.

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, refused to take responsibility for what they did?

Do they tell you that it wasn ‘ t a big deal, that it happened once, that the sex wasn ‘ t very good and that you should just get over it?

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, blame you for what they did? Do they tell you that if you had only been nicer or had more sex with them or given them more freedom, they would never have cheated?

If a cheater isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of what they did, to own up to the fact that they violated the boundaries of your relationship and they caused you a tremendous amount of pain, it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

Someone who isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of the fact that they cheated is somebody who might very well cheat again. They don ‘ t believe that they were at fault and, consequently, they might see cheating as something that they can do again.

#2 – The cheater refuses to talk about what happened.

I am sure, now that you know about the affair, that you have a lot of questions about what happened.

You probably want to know why it happened, how it happened and all the nitty-gritty details so that you can wrap your mind around all of it. Perhaps you believe that if you only had more information, you could make sense of it all.

When you approach your partner to talk about the infidelity, do they shut you down? Do they refuse to talk about it and suggest that you act like it didn ‘ t happen and move on? Do they yell and scream when you try to ask questions, telling you that you are being stupid to even ask?

A key part of surviving infidelity is communication. It is important that your person is honest with you, that they are willing to talk about what happened. If you are wondering when to walk away after infidelity, this is definitely an indicator that it might be.

All of that being said, I would absolutely recommend that you don ‘ t ask too many questions. That you get some clarity about what is going on that brought you to this place but, I believe, that knowing too many details will ultimately be harmful.

One of my clients demanded that her husband show her all of the text messages between him and his lover. She regrets it. She saw things that she could never unsee, things that caused her substantially more pain and that stuck with her as they tried to work through this and beyond, after they got divorced.

So, keep that in mind going forward, especially if you want to work through this and maybe come out the other side intact.

#3 – The cheater isn ‘ t willing to make change.

A key part of surviving infidelity is recognizing the need for change.

The need for change in the relationship, the need for change of perspective, and the need for things to be different going forward.

To survive infidelity, it is important to take a look at the relationship and what is missing from it. It is important to discuss how to do things differently moving forward. It is important to define boundaries that you might need to process what has happened.

After I found out that my ex had cheated, I requested that we go to therapy. I wanted to work through what had happened. I wasn ‘ t sure I would be able to forgive him but I wanted to try. He said that he would go but only so ‘ ˜we could move on. ‘ He wasn ‘ t willing to make change – he wanted me to accept what had happened and move forward, like an ostrich, with my head in the sand.

I didn ‘ t forgive him. We didn’t ‘move on’ after his cheating. And his unwillingness to make change, to look at what we could do differently, to fight for our relationship, was a key sign for me of when to walk away after infidelity.

#4 – You can ‘ t rebound from the self-esteem hit.

Be honest. Since you learned your partner cheated, have you been really hard on yourself?

Are you blaming yourself for what happened? Are you feeling like an idiot for missing the signs? Do you question everything about yourself – your body, your hair, your eyes, your brain etc.?

This happens after we are cheated on. We feel less than in every way. I mean, why would someone cheat on us? It can only be because we aren ‘ t enough, correct?

I know that when I found out that my ex was cheating it threw me down into a darkness that I had never experienced before. Everything that I thought I knew about myself, I questioned. I was sure that I would never love or be loved again because I wasn ‘ t worthy. I was sure that I would never survive the pain of what had happened.

But, after a time, my self-esteem rebounded. I found pleasure in life again doing volunteer work and getting my real estate license. I started dating and discovered that I was, in fact, loveable. I recognized what had happened in my relationship and took full ownership of my role in it. I healed.

I do believe that, if I had stayed in the relationship after the infidelity, I never would have been able to strengthen my self-esteem. I believe that if I was reminded every day about what had happened, if I compromised my principles, I just would have sunk deeper into that dark place, reliving what had happened over and over again.

So, if you are finding that your self esteem is at rock bottom and not rebounding, then it might be time to walk away after infidelity. Your self-esteem is key to your happiness and if it stays in that dark place, you might never get it back.

#5 – Forgiveness is not an option.

Have all of the things above happened? Has your partner been willing to take ownership, have they been willing to talk about what happened, have they been willing to make change and is your self-esteem recovering?

And yet, in spite of this, are you finding it impossible to forgive your person for what happened and to move on?

I have a client whose wife was never able to forgive him for what happened, no matter how much he tried to work through it with her. And, while she refused to forgive him, she also refused to leave the marriage. As a result, they had 10 more years of misery together.

Imagine what would have happened if that wife had left the relationship because she couldn ‘ t forgive her person. If instead of re-injuring herself whenever she looked at him, instead of holding onto a grudge for ten years. If she had just walked away after infidelity, she might have had a chance to find love and happiness instead of withering away in an unhappy marriage.

If you are finding that you cannot forgive your person for what they did, then it ‘ s time to walk away after infidelity. Staying will only cause you more pain and prevent you from finding happiness.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity can be really hard to do. But it ‘ s very important part of moving on, either with your partner or alone.

The important things to watch out for is whether or not the cheater can take ownership, whether they ‘ re willing to communicate and whether they ‘ re willing to make change.

It ‘ s also important that you take accountability for where you are at. If your self-esteem is decimated and doesn ‘ t seem to be recovering, perhaps it is time to walk away so that you can do what you need to do to rebuild your self-confidence. Furthermore, if there is no way that you can forgive your person there is no point in condemning yourself, and your partner, to a life of misery.

Know that, if it is time to walk away after infidelity, it ‘ s OK. I know you feel like you will never be happy again and that you will never trust someone again but I can promise you that, with time, you will be able to find happiness and love and live happily ever after the way you ‘ ve always wanted to.

I promise!

5 Things To Do To Keep your Marriage Happy and 5 Things Not to Do

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Good for you for looking for things to do to keep your marriage happy.

Marriage is long and hard and being proactive is the best way to keep it healthy. So many of us put off working on our marriage, hoping that someday we will have the opportunity to do so, only to find that it ‘ s too late.

Of course, alongside with the importance of doing things to keep your marriage healthy are things that you definitely should NOT do. Ironically, they are often two sides of the same coin and understanding that can make them easier to manage.

Here are 5 things to do to keep your marriage happy and 5 things not to do. Read on!

#1 – Do: Communicate

If you have read any of my blogs, or those of other relationship coaches, you will know by now the NUMBER ONE most important thing to do to keep your marriage happy is communication.

What kind of communication? Communication about feelings, about household chores, about expectations, about in-laws, about work schedules, about the kids, about the dogs, about your friends, about money, about anything and everything to do with your marriage.

Without communication, relationships can, and will, stall out. Without communication, people hurt each other unintentionally. Without communication, couples lose their connection.

Why don ‘ t couples communicate? Most commonly it is because they don ‘ t want to cause their partner pain but also because they don ‘ t make the time or they don ‘ t want to deal with the fallout or they just don ‘ t think to do it. Those are pretty lame excuses to not do the key thing that could keep a marriage happy.

So, don ‘ t just TRY to communicate – do it! I promise you that if you do, it will be worth it.

Don ‘ t: Be Passive Aggressive

The flip side of communication is passive aggression. The definition of someone who is passive aggressive is someone who ‘ ˜uses indirect resistance as a reaction to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials. ‘

Are you someone who says they will do something, knowing you won ‘ t? Are you someone who reacts to a comment from your partner with a sneer and a roll of the eyes? Are you someone who puts off things, even if you know that they are important to your partner?

All of these things are hallmarks of someone who is passive aggressive. More than almost anything, passive aggression can sabotage a happy relationship.

If there is one thing to do to keep your marriage healthy it is to never be passive aggressive – communicate with your person. If you can communicate about your wants and needs, you will find yourself happier than you ever thought you could be.

#2 – Do: Work together

My daughter always said that her friend ‘ s parents who were still together when she went off to college were parents who worked well together.

Instead of one person being in charge, both adults made the decisions around social life, kid ‘ s activities, time around the holidays, date nights etc. All of these things allowed the couple to stay connected in a way that if one person had been in charge would not be possible.

Furthermore, the ability to work well together will make passive aggressiveness less likely, which will only make your relationship healthier.

Don ‘ t: Divide and Conquer

When my husband and I were married, we decided to divide and conquer. He was the one who went to work and made the money. I was the one who stayed home and was in charge of the family and the house. I wish we had never done that.

His focus was work – which made me angry and resentful. My focus was on our children and their lives – which made him angry and resentful.

I always thought that once the kids were gone we would have an opportunity to work our way back to each other, to work together to be happy, but we never got the chance!

#3 – Do: Be Willing to Forgive

The importance of being able to forgive cannot be understated. The ability to forgive may be equal to the definition of love.

We are all of us humans. Human beings who laugh, cry, make mistakes, do big things, who are impulsive and damaged. As a result, people, humans, make mistakes.

If you hold onto a mistake that someone has made, it will only eat you up inside. If you hold onto a mistake that someone made thinking that they did it because they didn ‘ t love you, it will only destroy your relationship.

Are you willing to forgive someone for making a human mistake? Would you want someone to forgive you if you did?

Don ‘ t: Hold grudges

My mother could hold a grudge like no one ‘ s business. If my dad did one thing wrong, it was unforgivable.

I remember that he used to come home late every night and that he did he didn ‘ t pay attention to her. She was hurt and got passive aggressive which made him pay even less attention to her.

My mother never got over that. As a result, their marriage ended in shambles and she held onto her anger at my father for the rest of her life. I believe that, ultimately, those grudges killed her.

Are you someone who holds on to grudges? Are those grudges getting you anywhere? Are they injuring your relationship? If so, try to let them go.

#4 – Do: Keep the romance going

I am in an incredibly healthy relationship and the reason is, I believe, that we are determined to never stop making sure the other feels loved.

We make an effort to tell each other how we feel about each other, to give each other physical attention, to give each other space, to give each other understanding, to forgive each other when we need to. We work on this every single day. It ‘ s not always easy but it is totally worth it

We ‘ ve been together for four years and to this day we are like a young couple in love.

Don ‘ t: Take each other for granted.

The death of many relationships is caused when someone takes the other one for granted.

When they assume that their person will always be there for them. When they assume that no matter what they say, or do, they will be forgiven. When they believe that some day they will be able to fix everything that is broken. When they aren ‘ t willing to get divorced but aren ‘ t willing to work on the marriage either.

My boyfriend and I rarely take each other for granted. If either one feels like we are to being taken for granted, we speak up, immediately, so the other person knows how we are feeling

#5 – Do: Talk about your sex life.

As marriages go on, sex lives can often be diminished. Whether it ‘ s because of work, kids, loss of interest, or anxiety, married people ‘ s sex lives can be a mess.

Unfortunately, when this happens, couples are hesitant to talk about it. Like money, the topic of sex is very fraught. We believe that discussing it will only lead to embarrassment, shame and pain.

As a result, the topic of sex is swept under the table and because of this, couple’s sex lives diminish or disappear,

And a marriage will struggle to be a happy one with no sex.

Don ‘ t: Go looking elsewhere for love and affection

Many people who are in unhealthy relationships, who are taken for granted, who don ‘ t communicate, who can not forgive each other or work together, whose sex life is difficult, can, and do, find themselves vulnerable to finding love and affection elsewhere.

More often than not, people don ‘ t go looking for affection but when it is put in front of them they find they can ‘ t resist.

Seeking love and affection elsewhere is a sure fire way to make sure that your relationship isn’t not a happy one and might even end it.

Knowing things to do to keep your marriage happy is the key to doing so.

That being said, understanding what is important NOT to do is just as important.

Know that if you can communicate, if you can work together and forgive each other, if you can keep the romance going and if you can talk about sex, you will find that you can have a marriage that will withstand the test of time and remain happy.

I know that this list is daunting. If so, choose one of the items above to start and then do it! Even one thing can make a big difference!

I know that you can do this!

 

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

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