How Surviving a Crisis Together Can Make a Relationship Stronger

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There are many things that can make a relationship stronger but going through a crisis is one of those things that can absolutely make your relationship bulletproof.

Here we are, in the middle of a global crisis on so many levels. Between Covid, the election, the riots and the forest fires, our world feels like it ‘ s running out of control and there is no turning back. And that is petrifying.

While we can ‘ t control what is happening in the world (mostly), what we can control is our relationship and how we navigate this craziness together. Doing so successfully will only make a relationship stronger, one that can get through anything and move forward in an even more loving way.

Here are 5 ways that surviving a crisis together can make a relationship stronger.

#1 – You will come together.

You know the last time you went through a crisis and you had to go through it alone? Wasn ‘ t it a lonely struggle, one that was exhausting at times.

Are you now facing the current crisis with a partner at your side? Do you feel stronger and more able to take on anything because you know that there is someone who has your back unconditionally?

This tendency to unite in the face of a crisis is what can make a relationship stronger and, for many couples, this crisis has drawn them together in ways that no one really expected.

I have a client who was happily enough married. They were going about their daily lives, busy, hoping to have a baby, juggling work and friends and family. When Covid hit, their lives changed completely. They started working from home and their social lives dried up. It was just the two of them, in their apartment, facing this new world together.

My client says that getting through this anxiety filled time has made their marriage so much stronger. And having each other ‘ s support at the beginning, when there were so many unknowns, was something they both recognize they couldn ‘ t have done without.

#2 – You will support each other in small ways.

For many of us modern folk, we work really hard to be self-reliant. We want to believe that we don ‘ t need anyone or anything, that we can handle whatever comes our way on our own.

A crisis like the one we are going through now has shifted that. There are so many things to manage, many of them in our own homes, that we didn ‘ t have to manage before. There is working from home, homeschooling kids, cooking instead of eating out, keeping the house clean enough in spite of all of the people in residence and much more.

What I have discovered is that people are, like never before, supporting each other in small ways.

Before Covid, I had a daily list of what I needed to get done. I work from home so I often just worked my chores into my day. Most days, I couldn ‘ t get it all done because there was just too much. My boyfriend can never help because he would work all day and come home tired.

Now, with my boyfriend home, I find that he steps up to support me in small ways. He empties the cat box, he vacuums out my car, he stacked some wood and raked the leaves. All things that were, in normal times, totally my responsibility.

I know that having him there to support me in small ways, to do a few things to take them off my shoulders, has made me feel much closer to him. I truly appreciate what he does and it makes me want to do things for him in return.

#3 – You will touch more.

One of things that happens, whether we like it or not, is that when we are in someone ‘ s physical presence we just touch more.

Whether it ‘ s touching in the close quarters of the kitchen, sitting side by side on the couch catching up on emails, staying in bed just a little bit longer because of the lack of commute, physical touch has increased a thousandfold in many relationships.

And we know that there is nothing that can make a relationship stronger than loving physical touch.

#4 – You will have empathy.

My boyfriend is super sensitive to any little thing that is wrong with his body. If he has a headache or a back ache or a scratchy throat, he dramatically takes to the couch to convalesce. It drives me absolutely bonkers because I ignore any aches or pains in my body and just push through. I got 20 wasp stings on my body after stepping on a wasp ‘ s nest and I took a shower and then made dinner, pushing the (incredible) pain away because dinner had to be made.

During the time of Covid, I have become more empathetic to my boyfriend ‘ s sensitivities. He is very worried about contracting Covid so, when he starts to complain about being tired or run down, instead of rolling my eyes and walking away, I acknowledge how he feels and bring him a cup of tea on the couch.

In turn, he has true empathy for the fact that I, who am ALWAYS on the road, am stuck at home and how challenging it has been for me to share a house with 3 grown men, 24/7. I am writing this article from my mother ‘ s home in Virginia because my boyfriend understands and supports my need to be alone.

Our mutual empathy for what we both are struggling during this crisis with has definitely drawn us closer.

#5 – You will share success.

I know that the Covid crisis is far from over. The second wave is hitting us and many more people are getting sick and dying. We have been spared in our little corner of the woods but we still know pepole who have been sickened and our lives are still affected by it every single day.

What I do know is that, when the crisis is over and life gets somewhat back to normal, my boyfriend and I will sit on our porch, drinking a gin and tonic, damn proud of the work that we did to get through it. He has worked hard for the city he manages, making sure that people are taken care of and safe. I have supported people with my life coaching. We have worked together to keep our family strong, our finances on track, our mental health steady enough and our connection to each other intact.

It hasn ‘ t been easy, and it ‘ s not over yet, but I know that for us, and for all of you, getting through this and out the other side is going to be something that will keep our relationship strong.

It ‘ s interesting how surviving a crisis together can keep a relationship strong.

Think about any disaster movie you have ever seen. Often times, the hero and the heroine are estranged lovers. Their lives have been complicated and they have separated. And then the earthquake/tidal wave/alien creature hits and they are drawn together to overcome the odds and save the world. And, as a result, the final scene of the movie is them, covered with blood and dirt, sharing a passionate reunion kiss.

Much like in the movies, this crisis will keep your relationship strong. You will find you come together, you support each other in small ways, you will touch more, you will have empathy for each other and you will celebrate success when it ‘ s all done.

If there is a silver lining to this crisis it ‘ s that it will make a relationship stronger for many people who might have been struggling and keep a relationship strong for those who were steady already.

How great is that?

5 Reasons You Are Blaming Yourself After Your Spouse Cheated

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Tell me the truth – do you find that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated? Are you angry and sad and overwhelmed but do you find that you are ultimately taking responsibility for what happened?

I so often hear this from clients – that their partner cheated but that they are blaming themselves. And this self-blame is preventing them from moving forward in any direction, which isn ‘ t healthy.

Let me explain to you why you might be blaming yourself after your spouse cheated and how to get past that self-blame and move forward.

#1 – You feel rejected.

When we find out that our partners cheated, it is devastating. While, in my experience, there are many emotions at play, the predominant one that I hear from people is that they feel rejected. That they weren ‘ t good enough.

I have a client who thought that she and her husband were happy. They had just returned from a vacation where they really enjoyed each other and were planning another. And then she looked at his phone and saw messages of love from another woman.

Yes, she was furious but at the same time she immediately questioned why she wasn ‘ t good enough for her husband. Why did he have to go seek love and affection somewhere else?

Was it because she worked too much or had gained some weight or that she spent too much time with the kids? Was she no longer young enough or pretty enough? What could she have done to have kept him interested enough that he wouldn ‘ t have strayed?

I am here to tell you that affairs happen for many reasons but none of them is usually because of something that you did or didn ‘ t have, that you did or didn ‘ t do. People are attracted to each other for a variety of reasons and attraction in affairs often has nothing to do with the original partner – it has to do with the bubble the cheaters find themselves in as their relationship developed.

It ‘ s not what you didn ‘ t have or do that caused the infidelity – it ‘ s what existed in that relationship that caused the affair.

#2 – You feel gullible.

If you are honest with yourself, were there times when you wondered if there was something going on with your spouse? Did you sense they were distant or not always properly accounting for their time or keeping their phone close? Did you notice those things but push the thoughts away as unthinkable?

Or maybe you truly had no sense that anything was off and learning so has made you feel incredibly stupid for missing the signs?

Many of us do this – we don ‘ t even consider that our partner might be unfaithful or we ignore red flags because we just don ‘ t think our partner capable of cheating. And, when we discover that our partner has cheated, we are mortified that we didn ‘ t know, that the person who swore to love us forever willingly deceived us.

I can promise you that you aren ‘ t gullible for not speaking up when you noticed signs. That you aren ‘ t stupid for being totally unaware of what was happening behind your back. You are a person in the world, trying to get by, to be the best that you can be in a relationship and to trust your partner to be true.

Your partner lied to you. They deceived you. This is not on you – it is on them!

#3 – You trusted them.

For many of us, when we find out our partner cheated, we simply can not conceive it to be true. I mean, this is our person, the person who stood up in front of our friends and family and promised to love us forever. How could this person, this person we have shared a life with for years, betray us so completely?

Ironically, it is exactly this trust that is why you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated. You are so programmed to love and trust your partner that the instinct to look inward at your own deficiencies is a profound one.

I know that when I found out that my ex was having an affair, I went right to that dark place. This person was the father of my children, a man I greatly respected, with whom I had made a life. That he could betray me in that way made me doubt everything about me and us. If I was questioning everything about my relationship, how could I not question myself for my role in the fact that it happened?

I now know that yes, my ex had an affair, but that affair didn ‘ t nullify everything in our past. Yes, he let me down in the biggest way but that doesn ‘ t mean that I bore any responsibility for his actions. What he did was all on him

#4 – The family.

The biggest victims of infidelity are the children. They are innocent bystanders to their parent ‘ s marriage and when someone cheats, they are often directly affected.

I am the child of divorce and I didn ‘ t want that for my children. When I found out my spouse cheated and wanted a divorce my first thought went to my kids – to the family that they would lose.

I promised them I would do everything in my power to try to hold our family together and I failed. All of my efforts to do so were met with anger and disrespect and I ultimately had to walk away.

For years I blamed myself for taking their family away from my kids but I know now that it wasn ‘ t on me. My partner was the one who strayed in the first place. He was the one willing to put our family on the line for his selfish needs. While I tried to fix things, I couldn ‘ t do it in a void. If he wasn ‘ t in, there was nothing I could do.

Blaming myself was a huge waste of time. I see that now.

#5 – Taking blame is what we do.

There is a quote I read someplace sometime – If you are willing to take the blame, someone is happy to give it to you. As someone who is chronically willing to take the blame for anything, whether it ‘ s my fault or not, that quote really speaks to me.

In the aftermath of an affair, when we are questioning every single thing in our lives, it ‘ s so easy to go down the path of self-blame. It ‘ s what we do.

If a friend is upset, we immediately take stock of what we might have done to make them so. If we bump into someone and spill coffee, we immediately apologize, even if we were the ones bumped into. If something goes wrong at work, we are willing to take blame whether or not we deserve it to save our jobs.

Self-blame is what we do, especially women. But we don ‘ t have to do it. We don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for everything that is wrong in the world. And we don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for the fact that our spouse cheated.

It does seem crazy that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated but it is a very common occurrence.

The feelings of rejection, of feeling gullible and deceived, the guilt around the loss of the family and our tendency to accept blame more often than not are all present as we are struggling with the aftermath of the affair. And all of those things are clouding your judgement and your ability to think clearly.

I would encourage you to push back on those feelings of self-blame. This is not your fault. You are responsible for your role in the relationship but not for your partner ‘ s cheating. That is all on them.

And the sooner that you can see this and accept it the sooner you will be able to move forward and start to heal.

You can do it!

5 Ways a Toxic Relationship Can Make You Sick

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I know that it ‘ s hard to believe but a toxic relationship can make you sick.

Just like being exposed to a toxic smell in the air or ingesting a toxic chemical by mistake, being in a toxic relationship can have serious side effects on your health, side effects that can be truly debilitating and life changing.

If you are in a toxic relationship it might be doing more than dashing your hopes for a healthy one. It might actually be making you physically ill and, if it is, it ‘ s important that you stop it in its tracks before it brings you down any further.

Here are 5 ways that a toxic relationship can make you sick.

#1 – Physical debilitation

Did you know that being in a toxic relationship can actually make your body fall apart?

The stress that you are under trying to manage your relationship, trying to process whether you should stay or go, surviving the toxicity in the relationship and trying to live your life can just get to be too much. And what is the first thing to go? Your physical health.

The effects of stress on your body is not insignificant. Stress can lead to chemical imbalances, eating disorders and substance abuse. It can also lead to respiratory, digestive and immune system issues. Furthermore, stress can be a significant contributor to sexual function disorders.

If you are struggling with body aches, persistent colds, difficulty breathing or anxiety attacks, among other things, perhaps your toxic relationship is making you sick.

Do you want this relationship to kill you? Because it might just be, slowly, doing that.

#2 – Mental despair

The most obvious sign that a toxic relationship can make you sick is the depression and anxiety that can rear their ugly heads in the midst of everything that is going on.

Toxic relationships are a day in day out thing. When relationships are bad, more often than not people regularly ruminate on them. If relationships are more than bad, if they are toxic, then we can become obsessively focused on them, causing us to turn away from and neglect things that are important to us.

Furthermore, toxic relationships fill us with feelings of despair and hopelessness, they influence how we think about ourselves and the world, they make us suspicious of other people ‘ s motivations, they make us feel unsafe. All of those things can lead to a situational depression that will get only worse before it gets better.

Extremely toxic relationships that involve severe emotional and/or physical abuse can actually lead to a clinical depression which can be hard to manage and can stay with you a long time, if not forever.

If you are feeling hopeless, if you just want to sleep all the time, if you are isolating yourself, if your moods are interfering with your life or your work, you just might be depressed. Getting out of your toxic relationship might be just thing to help you deal with that.

#3 – Isolation

Unfortunately, many people who find themselves in toxic relationships tend to isolate.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner, as a way of controlling someone, but often times people self-isolate. They do so because they might be feeling worthless, perhaps they are embarrassed by their relationship, perhaps their friends are sick of hearing about it, perhaps they are sitting at home, waiting for their person to show up.

If there is one thing that we have learned during this time of Coronavirus it ‘ s that isolation is very difficult for human beings to live with. People need to be with people. People need to touch people. They need to surrounded by people who love them. Not having those things can be debilitating in a big way.

Loneliness is one of the most significant causes of depression. It can also lead to unhealthy habits, inability to sleep and substance abuse.

If you find that you are isolating because of your toxic relationship, it could be why your body and mind are suffering so.

#4 – Self-doubt

When we are in a toxic relationship we are filled with self-doubt.

Whether it ‘ s because of the way our partner treats us, whether they belittle us or treat us with contempt or physically abuse us, the result is that we can doubt ourself at every turn. We can doubt who we are as a person, it can affect our work, it can make us question every choice we ever made.

And self-doubt is an insidious thing. The longer it goes on the more it can deeply affect your physical and mental health.

Fortunately, self-doubt can be shut down if you leave your toxic relationship and seek help. Unfortunately, as long that the toxicity exists in your life, the unhealthier, emotionally and physically you could become.

#5 – Substance abuse

When we are struggling with physical and mental issues, with isolation and self-doubt, we are often drowning, having no idea what to do, how to proceed, how to take care of ourselves. Our relationship is making us miserable and the stress is taking its toll on our physical health.

The best thing that we can do to manage side effects of a toxic relationship is to exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Unfortunately, most of us don ‘ t do that.

For many people, the way that they manage stress is by drinking, doing drugs and over or under eating. All of those things help ease the pain that we are dealing with, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, those things ultimately just make us feel worse.

Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate mental and physical health issues. Over/under eating can lead to self-hatred and health issues related to bad nutrition. Bad habits might feel good in the short term but they will only make us sicker.

If you find that your toxic relationship is causing you to develop bad habits that only make you feel worse about yourself, perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away from the relationship and work towards being healthy again.

Knowing how and why a toxic relationship can make you sick is an excellent means of evaluating whether or not to get out of one.

If you are reading this article you most likely realize that your relationship is toxic and you are seeking some way to identify and deal with it. Connecting your toxic relationship to the physical and mental struggles you have had recently might give you that extra push to get out.

So, if you are struggling with mental and/or physical health issues, if you are isolating and full of self-doubt, if you find that you are abusing substances then it could very well that your relationship is making you sick.

Is anyone worth destroying your health for? I don ‘ t think so!

Why It Is So Difficult to Let Go of Love During the Pandemic

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Is your relationship struggling and are you wondering how you could possibly let go of love during the pandemic?

Times are incredibly difficult right now and making a big move in any direction seems daunting. Letting go of love is difficult in the best of times, and now here you are, miserable and wanting to let go, but struggling to do so.

There are many reasons why it ‘ s harder than usual to let go of love during the pandemic. Understanding them might help you get the strength to make a move so that you can be happy!

#1 – Relationships make you feel grounded.

I have a friend whose husband died last year. We were just discussing what the hardest thing has been for her. She said that not being in a relationship has made her feel less grounded, less sure of herself in the world.

When we are in a relationship, we have someone who we know is always there for us, even if sometimes it ‘ s not in the way we want. My client was very unhappy in her marriage but she was happy that she was part of a pair because she didn ‘ t come home to an empty house, there was someone to cook for, there was someone to talk about her day with. Not having that has made her feel a little bit like she is floating around in the world without a purpose. Without having a relationship that tethers her to the earth.

In these crazy times, when all of us are feeling ungrounded because our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, being in a relationship, even an unhappy one, give us a sense of feeling that you can be stronger, together, to take on what is happening right now.

#2 – You are questioning yourself.

Almost without exception, people I know (myself included) are struggling in a big way. We are in month 6 of the pandemic and our patience is wearing thin. We all want to get back to ‘ ˜normal ‘ and that doesn ‘ t seem like it is happening anytime soon.

Interestingly, in my experience, this uncertainty and frustration is causing many people to question themselves, to question the choices that that they are making (and have made in the past), to question who they are in the world, to question those who love them and to doubt that they have the strength to get through all of this.

This personalization of what is happening in the world is making it so people aren ‘ t sure of how to make smart choices. They are questioning their ability to see clearly. They wonder if perhaps they are wrong to think that their person isn ‘ t for them.

People are questioning literally everything in their lives and, as a result, deciding whether to let go of love during the pandemic is a incredibly difficult.

#3 – Uncertainty about the future.

I am guessing, from where you sit right now, you are wondering what the future holds.

Who will win the election? When will our kids be safe at school? Will we be able to travel for the holidays? When will there be a vaccine and will we take it? Will we be able to still pay our mortgage without a stimulus check? Will we ever be able to date again?

Ugh.

This uncertainty about what the future holds makes it harder for us to let go of love. In better times, if we got out of a relationship, there were certain things that we always did to recover. We would go out with friends, go on a trip, workout at the gym, start dating again. All of those things are not readily available to us right now and so we wonder how we will get past the breakup if we leave our relationship.

Furthermore, not knowing what the future holds makes it scary to walk away from a partner. Facing the future alone can be way scarier than facing it with someone else, even if you are unhappy!

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I have a client who has been dating during the pandemic. While she has met some men who she enjoyed, none of them have stuck. She isn ‘ t in the relationship that she hoped she would be in right now, one year after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend. And, as a result, she is scared.

Winter is coming, schools are opening and Covid cases are spreading. It seems to many of us, particularly those of us who are about to get hit with cold weather and flu season, like the world is going to lock down again. We are going to go back to the way things were in March when we had to hoard groceries and stay home 24/7.

And she doesn ‘ t want to do it alone. Again.

For many people who are struggling to let go of love during the pandemic, this fear of riding out the winter alone is a big one. Winters are hard enough and they will be even harder this year. And the holidays are coming and being alone during the holidays is going to be a whole different thing this year with travel being limited.

So, if you are struggling to let go of love during the pandemic know that part of it might be your fear of being alone, both in the short and long term.

#5 – Boredom.

This might seem like a silly one but it really is important.

Many people are staying in relationships that they shouldn ‘ t because they are bored.

Being in a relationship means having someone to do things with, even if you aren ‘ t getting along particularly well. I know that during my unhappy marriage we still did things together and were somewhat happy.

Being in a relationship means having someone to eat dinner with, to binge watch The Boys, to wake up with in the morning, to take walks with when staying home gets to be too much.

Furthermore, I have a client who finds herself creating drama in her relationship to break the boredom. Things that might not have bothered her before might bother her now and she makes a big deal about it with her boyfriend. They have a fight, emotions are aroused and then they have make-up sex. For a short, or long, period something else is going on other than the long stretches of nothingness that are happening right now.

For many of us, being alone and bored, with no one to interact with, either positively or negatively, is untenable and that makes letting go of a relationship that isn ‘ t working even more difficult.

Knowing why it ‘ s so hard to let go of love during the pandemic is a very important part of making the decision about whether to let go or not.

Knowing that you might be struggling not because you should be with this person but because things are so crazy right now, because you might be questioning yourself across the board, because you might be unsure about the future and bored and scared of being alone.

Think about where you are at in the world. How you feel about yourself and those around you and see if you are choosing to stay with your person because of any of the above reasons or because you know that you truly aren ‘ t meant to be together.

You can do it! You must do it. So that you can be happy.

Why Knowing Each Other’s Love Language Can Make Your Relationship Stronger

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I remember so clearly back in 2011 when I first learned about love languages and why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger. It forever changed my perspective of relationships, both personally and professionally.

For those of you who aren ‘ t familiar with love languages, Gary Chapman’s bookThe 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around the concept of there being 5 languages of love and how to use those languages to express love for your partner.

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of us express love in ways that WE need to feel loved – as opposed to in ways that our partner needs to feel loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is that knowing each other ‘ s love language will help you understand what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you know what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel cherished and your relationship will be stronger.

If you aren ‘ t familiar with the love languages, let ‘ s review them first. That will make knowing each other ‘ s love language easier.

The 5 Love Languages are:

#1 – Quality Time

While this love language might imply more time in the presence of your partner, what it in fact means is that the time you spend together is quality time. It ‘ s the time that you put down your phone and look your partner in the eye. It ‘ s the time that you say you will be there and you are. It ‘ s doing things together that will keep you connected. For a person whose love language is Quality Time, it ‘ s time that, no matter how limited, is time that makes them feel loved.

In contrast, if the time you spend with someone whose love language is quality time isn ‘ t of quality, if you are on your phone or watching TV or not showing up physically, your person won ‘ t feel loved and your relationship will suffer.

#2 – Words of Affirmation

This love language is quite clear – it ‘ s using your words to express how you feel about someone. While you might assume that someone knows how you feel, someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation is someone who wants to be told how you feel – that you love them, that you are important to them, that you like who they are.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who can ‘ t express their emotions or, even worse, can be sarcastic and derogatory, you will only cause your person unmeasurable pain.

#3 – Physical Touch

The Physical Touch love language might seem quite clear but there are nuances to it. Yes, in relationships physical touch often alludes to sex but, in this case, touch can mean a hug or a pat on the back or touching someone ‘ s arm. Touch can excite someone but it can also show that you care and that you love them.

In contrast, if you strugglewith being physically affectionate your person will feel neglected and disrespected and they will struggle to feel happy in the relationship.

#4 – Acts of Service

‘ ˜Let me do that for you ‘ or ‘ ˜Can I help you with that? ‘ are magical words to a person whose love language is Acts of Service. Anything that you can do to make life easier for your person will make your person feel loved.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who doesn ‘ t step up and help or who promises that they will and don ‘ t, your person won ‘ t feel loved and will struggle to love you in return.

#5 – Receiving Gifts

If your person ‘ s love language is Receiving Gifts, they believe that the giver of gifts is using those giftsto represent how they feel. They believe that the thoughtfulness and the time spent around the gift speaks volumes about how much their person cares about them.

In contrast, those people who miss birthdays or holidays or give a thoughtless gift ensure that their person doesn ‘ t feel loved and that can be devastating.

So, now you are familiar withthe 5 Love Languages. Let ‘ s talk next aboutwhy knowing other ‘ s love language will keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Guessing could mean failure.

You know howwhen you are newly in a relationship and you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated, you are motivated to make an effort so that they will feel so. Unfortunately, if you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, you might fail in that effort.

I have a client whose girlfriend was celebrating her birthday and he was considering what to get her. He told me that he was going to get her a vacuum cleaner. I suggested that perhaps a bracelet would be nice. It would be a thoughtful gift and most women love jewelry.

So, he bought her a bracelet and while she did like it, her response upon opening the gift was ‘ ˜Is this what you think I want? ‘

She couldn ‘ t verbalize it but what I learned about this woman later on led me to believe that what was really important to her was quality time and words of affirmation. The gift didn ‘ t make her feel loved. What would have worked best for her birthday was a dinner out and declarations of affection.

So, while the bracelet was appreciated, his stab in the dark about what she might want for her birthday fell flat.

#2 – You will give what they want not what you want.

For many of us, when we don ‘ t know our partner ‘ s love language, we tend to express our love through what we would want to be done to us.

Many of my male clients struggle with emotions in a relationship. Giving someone words of affection and quality time can be a challenge. What THEY want, often, is physical touch and so they express that love language, physical touch, when they are trying to communicate their feelings to their partner.

Unfortunately, if their partner ‘ s love language isn ‘ t physical touch, they won ‘ t feel loved by their partner ‘ s affection. Instead, they will feel like their person doesn ‘ t understand them and they will feel rejected.

So, it ‘ s important that you know your partner ‘ s love language, and your own, so that you don ‘ t project what you would want on your person.

#3 – Knowledge is power.

As in anything, knowledge is power.

Let ‘ s say that you know what your partner ‘ s love language is and that you are learning what that looks like specifically for them. Let ‘ s say that you and your partner argue and you want to do something to make up for it. If you know their love language you will know exactly what your partner would want to feel loved after the fight.

Perhaps it ‘ s a walk in the park, cell phones at home. Perhaps it ‘ s a heartfelt ‘ ˜I am sorry and I love you. ‘ Perhaps it ‘ s a hug. Perhaps it ‘ s picking up the kids from school. Perhaps it ‘ s a small thoughtful gift.

Whatever it is, knowing what it takes to make your partner feel loved will give you the power to set things straight quickly so that you can get past your fight and move forward together.

#4 – Consistency.

Relationships can be long and hard and one of the things that can keep them strong and healthy is consistency.

What I mean by consistency is that the partners always feel loved and valued, even if issues and disagreements arise. If you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, there are times where you will do something for them that will make them feel less than and disrespected.

I have a client who is always telling her partner that she needs more sex. He says ok and promises to step up his game. And he obliges her once but then goes back to taking the garbage out and giving her time awayfromthe kids – acts of service. While she certainly appreciates those things, that he does them doesn ‘ t override her need for sex. In fact, that he thinks that those things make her feel loved frustrates her and is causing a significant amount of discord in their relationship.

So, if you can consistently help your person feel loved, instead of riding the roller coaster of unmet expectations, your relationship has a much better chance of staying strong.

#5 – It could save your faltering relationship.

Here is the magic of knowing each other’s love languages – that they have significant power to save a dying relationship.

I have a couple client whose marriage was circling the drain. They had been married for a long time and she felt ignored and disrespected. I know that her husband was confused about her feelings – he felt like he did things that she would like and make her feel like he respected her. But, for some reason, she still felt that way.

When I reviewed the love languages with them we learned that their love languages were quite different. She needed Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. He needed Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. They had both been giving each other Acts of Service with the intent of making each other feel like they were cared for.

As soon as the couple learned what the other needed to feel loved, they were able to identify and implement, with confidence, what the other person needed. There was a little bit of trial and error but it didn ‘ t take long for both of these people to feel loved and respected in their relationship and their marriage grew stronger as a result.

If you are looking for a way tomake your relationship stronger quickly, knowing each other ‘ s love language could be just the thing.

So, now you understand what love languages are and hopefully you understand why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger.

Go to the5 Love Languageswebsite, NOW, andtake the online quiz together. You will be 5 minutes away fromunderstanding each other in a profound way, a way that will keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

5 Everyday Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

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Like most people, you want to keep your relationship healthy but you aren ‘ t really sure what to do.

Gifts? Flowers? Vacations? Backrubs? There are so many options and they seem kind of expensive and a bit overwhelming. Why does having to keep your relationship healthy require so much time and effort?

Gifts, flowers and vacations are nice but, fortunately, there are everyday things that you can do to keep your relationship healthy, little things that make a huge difference in whether your relationship is happy or not.

Let me share 5 of them with you now.

#1 – Eye contact.

When you go to work in the morning and you meet co-workers, do you look them in the eye and wish them a good morning? When you are ordering coffee do your look your barista in the eye and thank them for their service. Of course, you do!

So, if you naturally use eye contact as a source of connection in your life, why wouldn ‘ t you use it in your relationship?

I can ‘ t tell you how many couples I have worked with, ones who are finding themselves disconnected from each other, no longer look each other in the eye. Instead, they occupy with themselves with something suddenly super important if their partner is in the room. They keep their eye on the TV when the other says goodnight. They leave in the morning with a quick peck on the cheek, moving towards the door with haste.

It is literally impossible to remain connected to someone if you don ‘ t look them in the eye. Human beings thrive on eye to eye contact and not having it can not only prevent a relationship from happening but also destroy one that is struggling.

So, when you walk in the house tonight, look your partner in the eye and say hello. Connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care.

#2 – Hugs.

It seems to trivial but hugging your person every day can literally be the thing that will keep your relationship healthy, maybe more than anything else.

Hugs do two things, both of which are important for healthy relationships. Hugs use physical contact to convey caring. Think about how good it feels to get a hug from anyone. Pretty good right? And now imagine a hug from the person you love. Pretty amazing right?

A 10 second hug leads to the production of oxcytocin, the feel good chemical that enhances happiness and fights depression. They say a 10 second hug, once a day, can deepen a couple ‘ s connection in a big way.

Also, hugs are great stress relievers. Holding someone in a firm hug for 20 seconds has been proven to release stress. What a gift that would be – to hug your person and make them feel less stressed out in this stressful world.

So, if you aren ‘ t doing it regularly, hug your person. Its quick and cheap and effective!

#3 – Pay attention.

I know so many women who say to me ‘ Why can ‘ t he just know what I want. Why do I always have to tell him? ‘ If you are a woman you are saying YES. If you are a guy you are saying UGH.

I am afraid that I have to agree with the guys. Women are very good at tuning into each other ‘ s needs but it ‘ s harder for men to do so. As a result, a distance can grow between a man and a woman because opportunities to make each other happy are being missed.

I would encourage both men and women to pay attention to their partner. I would encourage them to note their likes and their dislikes, what makes them happy and sad, what are the things that they enjoy doing, and being done to them.

A person who pays attention is a person who will make their partner feel loved in a big way. Yes, you might not be able to anticipate your person ‘ s every need but if you pay attention you will be able to come pretty darn close.

#4 – Small gestures.

You know the saying ‘ ˜it ‘ s the small things that make the difference? ‘ Take this phrase to heart because it ‘ s true. Small gestures can keep your relationship healthy and humming along

What do I mean by small things? I mean bringing your lady flowers. I mean thanking him for helping you with a task. I mean asking your guy to go for a walk. I mean making a cake for their birthday.

It ‘ s the little things, doing the things that make life a little less dreary and the things that make your person know that you are thinking of them, that will keep your relationship healthy and happy.

#5 – Making time.

One of things that we are lacking most in this modern world is time. Because we are lacking time, for some crazy reason, what goes to the bottom of the priority list is relationships. We willingly give our time to work and to children and to hobbies but we often take our relationships for granted and don ‘ t give them the time they deserve.

So how do you carve out time in this crazy world?

My ex and I always went to bed together. Always. Even when our marriage was falling apart. We would just read side by side and then turn off the light but the time was very intimate and cozy.

Another idea would be getting up early one morning a week for coffee and conversation. Or having a quick drink after work, before the chaos of homework and dinner kicks in. Or taking a walk together. Or getting a sitter and actually going on a date.

Making time seems difficult but, really it isn ‘ t. All you have to do is be aware that it ‘ s important to do so and to make it happen. You can work one half hour less or skip a bike riding day and make your relationship healthier, just like that!

Doing things to keep your relationship healthy doesn ‘ t have to be expensive or time consuming.

It ‘ s the everyday things that can make a huge difference in the health of a relationships, the everyday things that can be forgotten in the midst of the chaos of the modern world.

So, make an effort to make eye contact with your person, maybe before or after a hug. Pay attention to what they might want and need and do small gestures to let them know you are paying attention. And make time for each other. I mean, you do love each other and time spent together isn ‘ t that much of a sacrifice, is it?

Having a healthy relationship is the #1 goal for most people and yet so many relationships are unhealthy. Try some of these everyday things and see the health of your relationship bloom.

You can do it!

Are You In an Emotional Affair? 5 Seemingly Innocent Things that Signal YES

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Are you in a friendship with someone outside of your relationship and are you wondering if you are in an emotional affair. I mean it ‘ s just a friendship, right? How can it be an affair?

For many people, an affair isn ‘ t an affair if there isn ‘ t sex involved. Unfortunately, there is a kind of infidelity where there is no sex but there is something worse – true emotional connection – an emotional affair.

Emotional affairs are, in many ways, more destructive than sexual affairs. Emotional affairs involve having a deep connection with someone who is not your partner, a connection that is hard to walk away from. It involves feelings that are stronger than friendship, feelings that might seem innocent but might actually be leading to something unexpected.

Because there is no sex involved, only emotions, emotional affairs aren ‘ t always easy to identify. Theystart out, more often than not,as a friendship but slowly evolve to something more.

I am guessing if you are reading this article you might be wondering if you are in an emotional affair and how to tell if you are. You might not want to believe you are, because it ‘ s something that you never believed you could do, but it ‘ s important to know the signs so that you can have some awareness as you move forward.

To better understand if you are in an emotional affair, let me tell you 5 seemingly innocent things that you might be doing that will tell you if you are having one.

#1 – Confidences.

More often than not, emotional affairs start with confidences, things that are somewhat intimate which are shared with another person.

A client of mine told me about when her emotional affair started. She was taking a walk and she ran into a married male friend of hers, one that she had known for years. She had been struggling with chronic sadness and she didn ‘ t know what to do about it. She, for some reason, told him. He told her that he, too, had experienced those feelings and that he had just been diagnosed with depression.

So, began their friendship, bound by the admission of depression. Her husband and his wife never understood how their partners could be depressed. Life was good and the kids were thriving – what was there to be depressed about. But they understood each other. They understood that, even though life was good, people get depressed.

As their friendship grew they started sharing more and more with each other, things that they didn ‘ t feel safe sharing with their spouses. They came to believe that the other person understood them in a way that no one else ever had, certainly more than their spouse did. They grew to rely on that friend more and more for support, turning away from their spouse in the process.

Do you share confidences with your friend in a way that you don ‘ t with your partner? Does your friend know things about you that others don ‘ t. Sharing confidences is definitely an indicator that you might be in an emotional affair and you should be aware of it.

#2 – Theneed for contact.

My client shared with me that as their friendship grew, so did their need to be in contact with each other. They worked together so they saw each other frequently but their casual hallway conversations turned into coffees and lunches and cocktails.

She said that the feeling that she got when her phone text alert went off was one of anticipation and excitement. When it was him, she was thrilled. When it wasn’t him, she felt anxious and uneasy, wondering where he was and what he was doing.

The worst, she said, were the weekends when there was no communication at all. She felt like, without her friend to talk to, she was adrift.

Have you found that you have more communication with your friend than you used to? Do you find yourself looking forward to talking to them and being disappointed when you weren ‘ t able to? If yes, you just might be in an emotional affair, whether you want to believe it or not.

#3 – Preoccupation.

My client told me that, as their friendship and connection grew, she found herself having a hard time thinking of things other than the time she spent with her friend.

She would think about him first thing in the morning and she would dress carefully so that when she went into work he might notice. She made herself available at lunch time, distancing herself from her other co-workers. At night, during the family dinner, she found herself unable to focus on her family, thinking instead about her friend and a conversation they shared as they sat next to each other on a bench.

Do you find yourself preoccupied by your friendship with your person? Do you find yourself going out of your way to see them? Do you find yourself having a hard time focusing on other things in your life because of your preoccupation?

If you are, this is a sign of an emotional affair that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

#4 – Hiding things.

When my client first started spending time with this co-worker, she would often tell her husband about their conversations because they were just that, conversations. Conversations that she would have with any other co-worker. When the conversations became more intimate, full of confidences, she stopped telling her husband about them.

She started to lie to her husband about who she had lunch with and who she was texting with and why. She would purposefully not tell him things that she told her friend, wanted to share them with her friend exclusively. She pulled further and further away from her husband and movedtowards her friend.

If you are involved in a friendship and you lie to your partner about it, you are, most likely having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you? Betrayed, I am guessing.

#5 – Physical attraction.

This final sign is one that sneaks up on us.

My client said that after just a few weeks of talking so intimately with her friend she started to feel a deep physical attraction to him. At first, she ignored it, figuring it was a figment of her imagination. This guy was just a friend and having sexual feelings for him was absurd.

But, as the weeks went on, her attraction to him grew. She would find opportunities to touch him whenever she could and when she did she felt an electricity that would move down through her body. It was a feeling that she hadn ‘ t had for years with her husband and the feeling drew her closer, emotionally, to her friend.

Physical attraction isn ‘ t always present during emotional affairs but if you are feeling it, you are definitely more than friends and you should carefully consider your next steps before your friendship gets out of hand.

Knowing the seemingly innocent things that might show that you are in an emotional affair is of vital importance as doing so will help you make conscious choices going forward.

My client said that she never expected the emotional affair to develop. She and her person really were friends and had been for years. For this friendship to grow into what it was surprised and overwhelmed her. And what she realized was that she loved this man and would have walked away from her family because she believed that he was her soul mate. All because of some confidences a few months earlier.

So, take a good look at your friendship with this person. Do you share things with them that you don ‘ t tell anyone else? Do you need to be in regular contact with them or you get anxious? Do you find yourself distracted by thoughts of them and the time you spend together? Are you hiding things from your partner? Are you feeling deep sexual attraction for the first time in years?

All of these things are signs of an emotional affair. Again, I know that you never thought of yourself as a cheater and you definitely didn ‘ t set out for this to happen but emotional affairs creep out of nowhere.

Take some time, right now, to consider if you want this emotional affair to expand into something more. Is itworth blowing up your life for? Whether the emotional affair is in real life or online, it has the power to change your life in a way that might not turn out very well in the end.

 

5 Ways to Make a Difficult Conversation Easy in Your Relationship

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Tonight, I have to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and I was wondering about ways to make a difficult conversation easy.

I was dreading the conversation because he hates to talk about things but there are things that need to be talked about.

I sat here thinking over and over about what to say and how to say it and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, and our marriage, by the end of it. I was petrified.

Fortunately, the life coach in me knows that, while my concerns are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I, and you, do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Stop obsessing.

As I sat there thinking about what tonight was going to look like, I was visualizing all sorts of reactions from my spouse around what I was going to say.I thought about how he would react and what he would say. And then I thought about what I would say next. And then what I might do when he storms off. And what we will do afterwards when it ‘ s time to go to bed.

I ran the scenarios over and over in my head and, for a while, they were all that I could think about. More even than the content of the talk. I just didn ‘ t know what would happen and it worried me.

But I knew that I had to let go of those projected outcomes. I had NO IDEA how he was going to react and to spend even one minuteperseveratingabout how he might was a complete waste of time. And, if I thought about it too much, I knew I would go into the conversation with heightened anxiety, which was sure to sabotage the outcome before I began.

So, I had to let go of these ruminations and go into the conversation with a clear head, willing to accept that whatever happened would happen and that I couldn ‘ t control the outcome.

#2 – Timing is everything.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. If you raise the topic after a really stressful bedtime with the kids or after he has had a disagreement with his mother or when she is exhausted, your conversation could be doomed.

So, choose a time carefully. Tonight is pizza night, no cooking and no dishes, and my spouse is always happiest when there are no dishes. Afterwards, we will go on a walk and he will be relaxed and I will bring up what I want to talk about. Softly.

#3 – Do not go on the offensive.

Your goal in this situation is to make a difficult conversation easy, a conversation that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My partner and I are struggling with a few issues in our relationship. Instead of leading in with all of the things that he is doing wrong, I will ask him if he is happy. Ona scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (hopefully and gradually) get him to open up to me about what is going on with him. From there I can ask him probing questions that will help me understand where he is coming from.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And, certainly, he will not be interested in listening to what I need if I go on the attack right away.

#4 – Do not go on the defensive.

This is so important. We need to be very careful to listen to what we are hearing back from the person with whom weare talking and not immediately start defending ourselves before they are finished. Not only could we get some valuable information but, by letting them know that we are paying attention, we will be more likely to get the outcome that we seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

It’s also important to just listen if that is what your spouse wants. Sometimes, as our spouse tells us what is going on, we do one of two things – we push back and defend the situation or we try to fix it. Sometimes, neither one of those things is what is needed in the moment. Sometimes, our spouse just needs to be heard.

Most importantly, if you want your spouse to start to communicate with you, they need to know they can do so knowing that they will be heard, and not just deflected. Wouldn ‘ t you be way more willing to talk to someone if you knew that you were safe and respected?

So, listen, listen, listen. Don ‘ t go on the defensive. I can guarantee you that your conversation will not be effective if you are the one doing all the talking.

#5 – Be confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my spouse seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always ask my clients to consider ‘What is the worst that can happen?’

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be a divorce. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation. As a matter of fact, divorce is a more likely outcome if we are unable to talk about our issues so I keep that in mind as the night grows closer.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

Pain is part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process and, hopefully, at the end of it, we both will be on the way to understanding each other just a little bit more, with the goal of working things through, together.

And growing is the end goal.

Looking for ways to make a difficult conversation easy is the key to a successful relationship. Without communication, your relationship will most likely fail.

So many relationships fall apart because partners can ‘ t communicate with each other and instead they grow further and further apart until their marriage is irreparably broken.

Make sure that you go into this conversation in a good place, without making assumptions about the content and the outcome. Choose a time and a place that won ‘ t be stressful. Make sure that you don ‘ t attack and that you not get defensive but that you listen to what is being said. And know that, no matter what, the world won ‘ t end because of the conversation. Life will go on with what needed to be said out in the open instead of stuck in your head.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Nice Ways To Break Up With Someone So You Don’t Break Their Heart

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I know – ending a relationship is one of the hardest things to do and good for you for trying to find some nice ways to break up with someone so that you don ‘ t break their heart.

You care for this person but you know there is no future for you as a couple and you don ‘ t want to hurt them when you let them go.

Fortunately, there are kind ways to break up with someone without breaking their heart, at least not completely.

#1 – Don ‘ t disappear.

The WORST way to break up with someone is to ghost them, to disappear without a word. I know that it seems relatively painless, that if you just don ‘ t contact them anymore they will get the picture and move on. Unfortunately, ghosting someone makes it easier on you but it ‘ s definitely not a nice way to break up with someone and not break their heart.

Most of us need to have some idea what has happened in a relationship before we can move on. This is especially true if the break up comes from out of the blue. If our person suddenly disappears, we are left wondering what happened, what we did wrong, how someone could treat us this way and how to move forward.

And this is heartbreaking.

Ghosting someone is good for exactly one person – the person who does the ghosting. The person who does the ghosting doesn ‘ t have to face the person they are breaking up with. They don ‘ t have to explain themselves. They don ‘ t have to see the pain on the other person ‘ s face. So, don ‘ t kid yourself if you think that ghosting someone is the kindest thing to do. It ‘ s not. It will only make things worse.

#2 – Tell the truth.

It is essential that, when we break up with someone, we tell the truth about how we are feeling.

How many times has someone said ‘ ˜It ‘ s not about you – it ‘ s about me. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I am just too busy with work to be in a relationship right now. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I need to work on myself before I can love someone. ‘

These explanations always feel like bullshit to me and I am guessing they do to you too.

When you want to break up with someone without hurting them, it is essential that you are honest with them. Perhaps you can ‘ t verbalize exactly why you are breaking up with them but if they ask you questions, answer them. If you just don ‘ t feel a connection, tell them that. If you like them but aren ‘ t attracted to them, tell them that. If your old girlfriends has reappeared tell them that. Tell them the truth.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients struggle with the reasons they were broken up with. They just don ‘ t believe their person was telling them the truth and they question everything. They often say ‘ ˜If he had just told me what happened, I would be able to move on but I just don ‘ t feel like he did. ‘

A big part of recovering from heartbreak is the ability to move on and not telling the truth will hinder your ex from doing so.

#3 – Be kind.

While I encourage people to be honest when they break up with someone, I also encourage them to not be mean. Honesty is important but if you hurt someone in the process, it won ‘ t help your ex ‘ s broken heart.

Imagine if someone told you that the reason they were breaking up with you was because you didn ‘ t have a job and they couldn ‘ t respect you. That they were embarrassed when they introduced you to their friends and that watching them sleep all day instead of working drove you nuts. While all those things might be true, the delivery is key because doing so unkindly will only cause pain.

How about, instead, you tell them that the importance of ambition is different for the each of you and that you feel that this unevenness was making it hard for you to commit to the relationship. By saying it this way, you aren ‘ t attacking them but talking about your feelings about ambition and how that is getting in the way for you.

By doing this, by delivering your reason for the breakup in a way that reflects your feelings as opposed to their deficiencies, you can soften the blow and break up with someone without breaking their heart.

#4 – Don ‘ t do it slowly.

I have a friend who, when he no longer wants to be with someone, doesn ‘ t tell them straight out. Instead, he stops texting and calling as much, he doesn ‘ t respond regularly when they reach out, he spends time with them but not to the extent that he used to.

He says he does so because he doesn ‘ t hurt them but I would argue it actually easier on him and that this actually hurts them more. Much like pulling off Bandaid, ending a relationship quickly and decisively will help your person recover and move on more quickly.

Another thing that many people do is they yo-yo. They want out but they don ‘ t want to hurt their person and they are worried that they will get bored and lonely, so they have a hard timebreaking up with them for good. They break up and then they come back, things are okay for a while and then it all falls apart again. Doing this over and over and over isn ‘ t good for anyone and will definitely lead to heartbreak.

#5 – Don ‘ t move on too quickly.

One of the worst things that can happen is when someone breaks up with you and the next day you see them all over social media with a new partner. Immediately you question everything about yourself and your relationship. You wonder if your person was cheating on you the whole time. You wonder why you weren ‘ t good enough for that person, why they had to go looking for someone else. You assume you have been lied to and you are humiliated and you feel betrayed by your person for flaunting this new person to all of your friends.

Even if you do have someone waiting in the wings, make sure that you leave a respectable amount of time before you bring that person out into the open. Yes, you want the world to know that you are in love but have enough respect foryour ex to give them some time to move onand to not disrespect them in the eyes of the world.

I know that you want to find find ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart. Having respect for your ex and your relationship is the key to doing this successfully.

It is possible to find nice ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart completely.

Of course, every time we are broken up with there is pain but you can control how much pain there is and how quickly your ex can move forward.

It is essential that you don ‘ t just disappear, that you stay and face them. You must be honest with them but also kind. You must end it decisively and you must take care to respect them and not flaunt a new relationship right away.

Breaking up is hard to do but doing it in a way that is respectful and kind will not only help your ex recover more quickly, it will help you feel good about how you ended it and move on without guilt. It is hard not to break someone ‘ s heart when you break up with them but finding kind ways to do so will help their broken heart mend faster.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Why Being Yourself is the Best Way to Succeed at Finding Love

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Many people have a hard time believing that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

Why, they think, would someone want to fall in love with them? They don ‘ t think themselves smart enough or hot enough or funny enough. It ‘ s hard to imagine that anyone would ever want them.

So, they create for themselves someone else, someone else they believe will be more lovable, and they put that person out there – hoping to find love.

Unfortunately, not being yourself is definitely not the best way to succeed at finding love because it will sabotage you in so many ways.

Let me share with you why not being yourself will ensure that you fail at finding love.

#1 – Being yourself is natural.

Being yourself is the easiest thing in the world to do. You have been yourself for decades and you can do you like no one else can.

Not being yourself takes work. Not being yourself, presenting yourself as someone else, making conscious decisions to do thing differently, all require a tremendous amount of energy. It takes keeping on top of the lies that you might be telling. It takes maintaining a façade of who you are not. It takes hiding things from your new person, all the while doing the very difficult task of trying to find love.

And, if you are working so hard at being someone other than you are, you will have a hard time finding the love you seek because it ‘ s hard to do both at the same time.

#2 – You will doom the relationship from the start.

Imagine you meet someone and they are everything that you had hoped they would be. You fall in love and you look forward to living happily ever after. And then you learn the truth about them. How would you feel?

I have a client who met a wonderful guy and they had a summer romance. He made her laugh and the sex was great and she had hopes for the future. As their time together progressed, she noticed that he didn ‘ t seem to have much professional work to do. He spent his time working on his boat and with her but he never talked about what he did and he definitely didn ‘ t have money for dinners out.

She repeatedly asked him about this because she wasn ‘ t comfortable with him not working and her having to pay for dinners. He was vague and put her off. Eventually, she got fed up with the whole thing and pulled the plug. He wasn ‘ t the person she thought he was and she moved on.

So, while you might find love by not being yourself, you won ‘ t be able to keep it!

#3 – Honesty is the key to any relationship.

One of the most important part of any relationship is honesty – without it there is no trust and a relationship will fail. If you start a relationship off not being yourself you will be violating the trust of your partner by not being honest.

In the case of my client, she felt like her boyfriend had done a bait and switch – that he had sucked her in, presenting himself as a successful businessman, when in fact he did what he had to do to pay his bills but that was it.

She does love this man and he has promised her that he will find more work but their relationship has been tarnished because she no longer trusts him the way that she would like to.

So, the best way to succeed at finding love is by being yourself because honesty is the basis of every healthy relationship and thats what you want – a healthy relationship.

#4 – You will feel better about yourself.

It ‘ s very hard to put yourself out there as someone who you are not and to feel good about yourself. To deem that who you are is not good enough to be loved and you must therefore be someone else sucks the life out of you.

How can you, if you are pretending to be someone you are not, feel good about yourself? How can you look yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself? How can you not walk in after a date and wonder how you are going to keep this up? How will you feel if your person falls in love with someone who doesn ‘ t exist?

AND how can you be attracted to someone who doesn ‘ t feel good about themselves. If your self esteem is low because you aren ‘ t being yourself you are going to have a hard time attracting the kind of person you want to be with.

Being yourself in a relationship is the best way to keep your self esteem intact and be attractive the kind of person you want to be attractive to.

#5 – You will keep your friends.

This might seem like an odd one but one of the biggest consequences of not being yourself is that you might lose your friends.

How many times have you, or one of your friends, changed to get or keep a relationship? How frustrating is it to watch them be someone other than they are for some girl or some guy? How quickly do you get sick of it and stop hanging out with them and respecting them?

If you want to keep your friends, I would encourage you to be yourself when you are looking for love. You need those friends. They will have been there before you meet your person and they will be there long after, if the relationship ends.

I know that it ‘ s hard for some people to believe that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

But being yourself is the best way to find happiness, not only in a relationship but in the world. Being yourself is natural and you are good at it. You will doom the relationship from the start if it ‘ s based on a lie. You can ‘ t have a healthy relationship without honesty. Your self esteem will plummet and you won ‘ t be as attractive to others and you could lose your friends in the whole messy process.

Be yourself. Always. You will be glad you did!

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