Why Knowing Each Other’s Love Language Can Make Your Relationship Stronger

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I remember so clearly back in 2011 when I first learned about love languages and why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger. It forever changed my perspective of relationships, both personally and professionally.

For those of you who aren ‘ t familiar with love languages, Gary Chapman’s bookThe 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around the concept of there being 5 languages of love and how to use those languages to express love for your partner.

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of us express love in ways that WE need to feel loved – as opposed to in ways that our partner needs to feel loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is that knowing each other ‘ s love language will help you understand what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you know what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel cherished and your relationship will be stronger.

If you aren ‘ t familiar with the love languages, let ‘ s review them first. That will make knowing each other ‘ s love language easier.

The 5 Love Languages are:

#1 – Quality Time

While this love language might imply more time in the presence of your partner, what it in fact means is that the time you spend together is quality time. It ‘ s the time that you put down your phone and look your partner in the eye. It ‘ s the time that you say you will be there and you are. It ‘ s doing things together that will keep you connected. For a person whose love language is Quality Time, it ‘ s time that, no matter how limited, is time that makes them feel loved.

In contrast, if the time you spend with someone whose love language is quality time isn ‘ t of quality, if you are on your phone or watching TV or not showing up physically, your person won ‘ t feel loved and your relationship will suffer.

#2 – Words of Affirmation

This love language is quite clear – it ‘ s using your words to express how you feel about someone. While you might assume that someone knows how you feel, someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation is someone who wants to be told how you feel – that you love them, that you are important to them, that you like who they are.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who can ‘ t express their emotions or, even worse, can be sarcastic and derogatory, you will only cause your person unmeasurable pain.

#3 – Physical Touch

The Physical Touch love language might seem quite clear but there are nuances to it. Yes, in relationships physical touch often alludes to sex but, in this case, touch can mean a hug or a pat on the back or touching someone ‘ s arm. Touch can excite someone but it can also show that you care and that you love them.

In contrast, if you strugglewith being physically affectionate your person will feel neglected and disrespected and they will struggle to feel happy in the relationship.

#4 – Acts of Service

‘ ˜Let me do that for you ‘ or ‘ ˜Can I help you with that? ‘ are magical words to a person whose love language is Acts of Service. Anything that you can do to make life easier for your person will make your person feel loved.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who doesn ‘ t step up and help or who promises that they will and don ‘ t, your person won ‘ t feel loved and will struggle to love you in return.

#5 – Receiving Gifts

If your person ‘ s love language is Receiving Gifts, they believe that the giver of gifts is using those giftsto represent how they feel. They believe that the thoughtfulness and the time spent around the gift speaks volumes about how much their person cares about them.

In contrast, those people who miss birthdays or holidays or give a thoughtless gift ensure that their person doesn ‘ t feel loved and that can be devastating.

So, now you are familiar withthe 5 Love Languages. Let ‘ s talk next aboutwhy knowing other ‘ s love language will keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Guessing could mean failure.

You know howwhen you are newly in a relationship and you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated, you are motivated to make an effort so that they will feel so. Unfortunately, if you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, you might fail in that effort.

I have a client whose girlfriend was celebrating her birthday and he was considering what to get her. He told me that he was going to get her a vacuum cleaner. I suggested that perhaps a bracelet would be nice. It would be a thoughtful gift and most women love jewelry.

So, he bought her a bracelet and while she did like it, her response upon opening the gift was ‘ ˜Is this what you think I want? ‘

She couldn ‘ t verbalize it but what I learned about this woman later on led me to believe that what was really important to her was quality time and words of affirmation. The gift didn ‘ t make her feel loved. What would have worked best for her birthday was a dinner out and declarations of affection.

So, while the bracelet was appreciated, his stab in the dark about what she might want for her birthday fell flat.

#2 – You will give what they want not what you want.

For many of us, when we don ‘ t know our partner ‘ s love language, we tend to express our love through what we would want to be done to us.

Many of my male clients struggle with emotions in a relationship. Giving someone words of affection and quality time can be a challenge. What THEY want, often, is physical touch and so they express that love language, physical touch, when they are trying to communicate their feelings to their partner.

Unfortunately, if their partner ‘ s love language isn ‘ t physical touch, they won ‘ t feel loved by their partner ‘ s affection. Instead, they will feel like their person doesn ‘ t understand them and they will feel rejected.

So, it ‘ s important that you know your partner ‘ s love language, and your own, so that you don ‘ t project what you would want on your person.

#3 – Knowledge is power.

As in anything, knowledge is power.

Let ‘ s say that you know what your partner ‘ s love language is and that you are learning what that looks like specifically for them. Let ‘ s say that you and your partner argue and you want to do something to make up for it. If you know their love language you will know exactly what your partner would want to feel loved after the fight.

Perhaps it ‘ s a walk in the park, cell phones at home. Perhaps it ‘ s a heartfelt ‘ ˜I am sorry and I love you. ‘ Perhaps it ‘ s a hug. Perhaps it ‘ s picking up the kids from school. Perhaps it ‘ s a small thoughtful gift.

Whatever it is, knowing what it takes to make your partner feel loved will give you the power to set things straight quickly so that you can get past your fight and move forward together.

#4 – Consistency.

Relationships can be long and hard and one of the things that can keep them strong and healthy is consistency.

What I mean by consistency is that the partners always feel loved and valued, even if issues and disagreements arise. If you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, there are times where you will do something for them that will make them feel less than and disrespected.

I have a client who is always telling her partner that she needs more sex. He says ok and promises to step up his game. And he obliges her once but then goes back to taking the garbage out and giving her time awayfromthe kids – acts of service. While she certainly appreciates those things, that he does them doesn ‘ t override her need for sex. In fact, that he thinks that those things make her feel loved frustrates her and is causing a significant amount of discord in their relationship.

So, if you can consistently help your person feel loved, instead of riding the roller coaster of unmet expectations, your relationship has a much better chance of staying strong.

#5 – It could save your faltering relationship.

Here is the magic of knowing each other’s love languages – that they have significant power to save a dying relationship.

I have a couple client whose marriage was circling the drain. They had been married for a long time and she felt ignored and disrespected. I know that her husband was confused about her feelings – he felt like he did things that she would like and make her feel like he respected her. But, for some reason, she still felt that way.

When I reviewed the love languages with them we learned that their love languages were quite different. She needed Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. He needed Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. They had both been giving each other Acts of Service with the intent of making each other feel like they were cared for.

As soon as the couple learned what the other needed to feel loved, they were able to identify and implement, with confidence, what the other person needed. There was a little bit of trial and error but it didn ‘ t take long for both of these people to feel loved and respected in their relationship and their marriage grew stronger as a result.

If you are looking for a way tomake your relationship stronger quickly, knowing each other ‘ s love language could be just the thing.

So, now you understand what love languages are and hopefully you understand why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger.

Go to the5 Love Languageswebsite, NOW, andtake the online quiz together. You will be 5 minutes away fromunderstanding each other in a profound way, a way that will keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

5 Everyday Things You Can Do To Keep Your Relationship Healthy

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Like most people, you want to keep your relationship healthy but you aren ‘ t really sure what to do.

Gifts? Flowers? Vacations? Backrubs? There are so many options and they seem kind of expensive and a bit overwhelming. Why does having to keep your relationship healthy require so much time and effort?

Gifts, flowers and vacations are nice but, fortunately, there are everyday things that you can do to keep your relationship healthy, little things that make a huge difference in whether your relationship is happy or not.

Let me share 5 of them with you now.

#1 – Eye contact.

When you go to work in the morning and you meet co-workers, do you look them in the eye and wish them a good morning? When you are ordering coffee do your look your barista in the eye and thank them for their service. Of course, you do!

So, if you naturally use eye contact as a source of connection in your life, why wouldn ‘ t you use it in your relationship?

I can ‘ t tell you how many couples I have worked with, ones who are finding themselves disconnected from each other, no longer look each other in the eye. Instead, they occupy with themselves with something suddenly super important if their partner is in the room. They keep their eye on the TV when the other says goodnight. They leave in the morning with a quick peck on the cheek, moving towards the door with haste.

It is literally impossible to remain connected to someone if you don ‘ t look them in the eye. Human beings thrive on eye to eye contact and not having it can not only prevent a relationship from happening but also destroy one that is struggling.

So, when you walk in the house tonight, look your partner in the eye and say hello. Connect with them in a way that lets them know that you care.

#2 – Hugs.

It seems to trivial but hugging your person every day can literally be the thing that will keep your relationship healthy, maybe more than anything else.

Hugs do two things, both of which are important for healthy relationships. Hugs use physical contact to convey caring. Think about how good it feels to get a hug from anyone. Pretty good right? And now imagine a hug from the person you love. Pretty amazing right?

A 10 second hug leads to the production of oxcytocin, the feel good chemical that enhances happiness and fights depression. They say a 10 second hug, once a day, can deepen a couple ‘ s connection in a big way.

Also, hugs are great stress relievers. Holding someone in a firm hug for 20 seconds has been proven to release stress. What a gift that would be – to hug your person and make them feel less stressed out in this stressful world.

So, if you aren ‘ t doing it regularly, hug your person. Its quick and cheap and effective!

#3 – Pay attention.

I know so many women who say to me ‘ Why can ‘ t he just know what I want. Why do I always have to tell him? ‘ If you are a woman you are saying YES. If you are a guy you are saying UGH.

I am afraid that I have to agree with the guys. Women are very good at tuning into each other ‘ s needs but it ‘ s harder for men to do so. As a result, a distance can grow between a man and a woman because opportunities to make each other happy are being missed.

I would encourage both men and women to pay attention to their partner. I would encourage them to note their likes and their dislikes, what makes them happy and sad, what are the things that they enjoy doing, and being done to them.

A person who pays attention is a person who will make their partner feel loved in a big way. Yes, you might not be able to anticipate your person ‘ s every need but if you pay attention you will be able to come pretty darn close.

#4 – Small gestures.

You know the saying ‘ ˜it ‘ s the small things that make the difference? ‘ Take this phrase to heart because it ‘ s true. Small gestures can keep your relationship healthy and humming along

What do I mean by small things? I mean bringing your lady flowers. I mean thanking him for helping you with a task. I mean asking your guy to go for a walk. I mean making a cake for their birthday.

It ‘ s the little things, doing the things that make life a little less dreary and the things that make your person know that you are thinking of them, that will keep your relationship healthy and happy.

#5 – Making time.

One of things that we are lacking most in this modern world is time. Because we are lacking time, for some crazy reason, what goes to the bottom of the priority list is relationships. We willingly give our time to work and to children and to hobbies but we often take our relationships for granted and don ‘ t give them the time they deserve.

So how do you carve out time in this crazy world?

My ex and I always went to bed together. Always. Even when our marriage was falling apart. We would just read side by side and then turn off the light but the time was very intimate and cozy.

Another idea would be getting up early one morning a week for coffee and conversation. Or having a quick drink after work, before the chaos of homework and dinner kicks in. Or taking a walk together. Or getting a sitter and actually going on a date.

Making time seems difficult but, really it isn ‘ t. All you have to do is be aware that it ‘ s important to do so and to make it happen. You can work one half hour less or skip a bike riding day and make your relationship healthier, just like that!

Doing things to keep your relationship healthy doesn ‘ t have to be expensive or time consuming.

It ‘ s the everyday things that can make a huge difference in the health of a relationships, the everyday things that can be forgotten in the midst of the chaos of the modern world.

So, make an effort to make eye contact with your person, maybe before or after a hug. Pay attention to what they might want and need and do small gestures to let them know you are paying attention. And make time for each other. I mean, you do love each other and time spent together isn ‘ t that much of a sacrifice, is it?

Having a healthy relationship is the #1 goal for most people and yet so many relationships are unhealthy. Try some of these everyday things and see the health of your relationship bloom.

You can do it!

Are You In an Emotional Affair? 5 Seemingly Innocent Things that Signal YES

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Are you in a friendship with someone outside of your relationship and are you wondering if you are in an emotional affair. I mean it ‘ s just a friendship, right? How can it be an affair?

For many people, an affair isn ‘ t an affair if there isn ‘ t sex involved. Unfortunately, there is a kind of infidelity where there is no sex but there is something worse – true emotional connection – an emotional affair.

Emotional affairs are, in many ways, more destructive than sexual affairs. Emotional affairs involve having a deep connection with someone who is not your partner, a connection that is hard to walk away from. It involves feelings that are stronger than friendship, feelings that might seem innocent but might actually be leading to something unexpected.

Because there is no sex involved, only emotions, emotional affairs aren ‘ t always easy to identify. Theystart out, more often than not,as a friendship but slowly evolve to something more.

I am guessing if you are reading this article you might be wondering if you are in an emotional affair and how to tell if you are. You might not want to believe you are, because it ‘ s something that you never believed you could do, but it ‘ s important to know the signs so that you can have some awareness as you move forward.

To better understand if you are in an emotional affair, let me tell you 5 seemingly innocent things that you might be doing that will tell you if you are having one.

#1 – Confidences.

More often than not, emotional affairs start with confidences, things that are somewhat intimate which are shared with another person.

A client of mine told me about when her emotional affair started. She was taking a walk and she ran into a married male friend of hers, one that she had known for years. She had been struggling with chronic sadness and she didn ‘ t know what to do about it. She, for some reason, told him. He told her that he, too, had experienced those feelings and that he had just been diagnosed with depression.

So, began their friendship, bound by the admission of depression. Her husband and his wife never understood how their partners could be depressed. Life was good and the kids were thriving – what was there to be depressed about. But they understood each other. They understood that, even though life was good, people get depressed.

As their friendship grew they started sharing more and more with each other, things that they didn ‘ t feel safe sharing with their spouses. They came to believe that the other person understood them in a way that no one else ever had, certainly more than their spouse did. They grew to rely on that friend more and more for support, turning away from their spouse in the process.

Do you share confidences with your friend in a way that you don ‘ t with your partner? Does your friend know things about you that others don ‘ t. Sharing confidences is definitely an indicator that you might be in an emotional affair and you should be aware of it.

#2 – Theneed for contact.

My client shared with me that as their friendship grew, so did their need to be in contact with each other. They worked together so they saw each other frequently but their casual hallway conversations turned into coffees and lunches and cocktails.

She said that the feeling that she got when her phone text alert went off was one of anticipation and excitement. When it was him, she was thrilled. When it wasn’t him, she felt anxious and uneasy, wondering where he was and what he was doing.

The worst, she said, were the weekends when there was no communication at all. She felt like, without her friend to talk to, she was adrift.

Have you found that you have more communication with your friend than you used to? Do you find yourself looking forward to talking to them and being disappointed when you weren ‘ t able to? If yes, you just might be in an emotional affair, whether you want to believe it or not.

#3 – Preoccupation.

My client told me that, as their friendship and connection grew, she found herself having a hard time thinking of things other than the time she spent with her friend.

She would think about him first thing in the morning and she would dress carefully so that when she went into work he might notice. She made herself available at lunch time, distancing herself from her other co-workers. At night, during the family dinner, she found herself unable to focus on her family, thinking instead about her friend and a conversation they shared as they sat next to each other on a bench.

Do you find yourself preoccupied by your friendship with your person? Do you find yourself going out of your way to see them? Do you find yourself having a hard time focusing on other things in your life because of your preoccupation?

If you are, this is a sign of an emotional affair that shouldn ‘ t be ignored.

#4 – Hiding things.

When my client first started spending time with this co-worker, she would often tell her husband about their conversations because they were just that, conversations. Conversations that she would have with any other co-worker. When the conversations became more intimate, full of confidences, she stopped telling her husband about them.

She started to lie to her husband about who she had lunch with and who she was texting with and why. She would purposefully not tell him things that she told her friend, wanted to share them with her friend exclusively. She pulled further and further away from her husband and movedtowards her friend.

If you are involved in a friendship and you lie to your partner about it, you are, most likely having an emotional affair. How would you feel if your partner did the same to you? Betrayed, I am guessing.

#5 – Physical attraction.

This final sign is one that sneaks up on us.

My client said that after just a few weeks of talking so intimately with her friend she started to feel a deep physical attraction to him. At first, she ignored it, figuring it was a figment of her imagination. This guy was just a friend and having sexual feelings for him was absurd.

But, as the weeks went on, her attraction to him grew. She would find opportunities to touch him whenever she could and when she did she felt an electricity that would move down through her body. It was a feeling that she hadn ‘ t had for years with her husband and the feeling drew her closer, emotionally, to her friend.

Physical attraction isn ‘ t always present during emotional affairs but if you are feeling it, you are definitely more than friends and you should carefully consider your next steps before your friendship gets out of hand.

Knowing the seemingly innocent things that might show that you are in an emotional affair is of vital importance as doing so will help you make conscious choices going forward.

My client said that she never expected the emotional affair to develop. She and her person really were friends and had been for years. For this friendship to grow into what it was surprised and overwhelmed her. And what she realized was that she loved this man and would have walked away from her family because she believed that he was her soul mate. All because of some confidences a few months earlier.

So, take a good look at your friendship with this person. Do you share things with them that you don ‘ t tell anyone else? Do you need to be in regular contact with them or you get anxious? Do you find yourself distracted by thoughts of them and the time you spend together? Are you hiding things from your partner? Are you feeling deep sexual attraction for the first time in years?

All of these things are signs of an emotional affair. Again, I know that you never thought of yourself as a cheater and you definitely didn ‘ t set out for this to happen but emotional affairs creep out of nowhere.

Take some time, right now, to consider if you want this emotional affair to expand into something more. Is itworth blowing up your life for? Whether the emotional affair is in real life or online, it has the power to change your life in a way that might not turn out very well in the end.

 

5 Ways to Make a Difficult Conversation Easy in Your Relationship

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Tonight, I have to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and I was wondering about ways to make a difficult conversation easy.

I was dreading the conversation because he hates to talk about things but there are things that need to be talked about.

I sat here thinking over and over about what to say and how to say it and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, and our marriage, by the end of it. I was petrified.

Fortunately, the life coach in me knows that, while my concerns are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I, and you, do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Stop obsessing.

As I sat there thinking about what tonight was going to look like, I was visualizing all sorts of reactions from my spouse around what I was going to say.I thought about how he would react and what he would say. And then I thought about what I would say next. And then what I might do when he storms off. And what we will do afterwards when it ‘ s time to go to bed.

I ran the scenarios over and over in my head and, for a while, they were all that I could think about. More even than the content of the talk. I just didn ‘ t know what would happen and it worried me.

But I knew that I had to let go of those projected outcomes. I had NO IDEA how he was going to react and to spend even one minuteperseveratingabout how he might was a complete waste of time. And, if I thought about it too much, I knew I would go into the conversation with heightened anxiety, which was sure to sabotage the outcome before I began.

So, I had to let go of these ruminations and go into the conversation with a clear head, willing to accept that whatever happened would happen and that I couldn ‘ t control the outcome.

#2 – Timing is everything.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. If you raise the topic after a really stressful bedtime with the kids or after he has had a disagreement with his mother or when she is exhausted, your conversation could be doomed.

So, choose a time carefully. Tonight is pizza night, no cooking and no dishes, and my spouse is always happiest when there are no dishes. Afterwards, we will go on a walk and he will be relaxed and I will bring up what I want to talk about. Softly.

#3 – Do not go on the offensive.

Your goal in this situation is to make a difficult conversation easy, a conversation that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My partner and I are struggling with a few issues in our relationship. Instead of leading in with all of the things that he is doing wrong, I will ask him if he is happy. Ona scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (hopefully and gradually) get him to open up to me about what is going on with him. From there I can ask him probing questions that will help me understand where he is coming from.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And, certainly, he will not be interested in listening to what I need if I go on the attack right away.

#4 – Do not go on the defensive.

This is so important. We need to be very careful to listen to what we are hearing back from the person with whom weare talking and not immediately start defending ourselves before they are finished. Not only could we get some valuable information but, by letting them know that we are paying attention, we will be more likely to get the outcome that we seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

It’s also important to just listen if that is what your spouse wants. Sometimes, as our spouse tells us what is going on, we do one of two things – we push back and defend the situation or we try to fix it. Sometimes, neither one of those things is what is needed in the moment. Sometimes, our spouse just needs to be heard.

Most importantly, if you want your spouse to start to communicate with you, they need to know they can do so knowing that they will be heard, and not just deflected. Wouldn ‘ t you be way more willing to talk to someone if you knew that you were safe and respected?

So, listen, listen, listen. Don ‘ t go on the defensive. I can guarantee you that your conversation will not be effective if you are the one doing all the talking.

#5 – Be confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my spouse seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always ask my clients to consider ‘What is the worst that can happen?’

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be a divorce. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation. As a matter of fact, divorce is a more likely outcome if we are unable to talk about our issues so I keep that in mind as the night grows closer.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

Pain is part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process and, hopefully, at the end of it, we both will be on the way to understanding each other just a little bit more, with the goal of working things through, together.

And growing is the end goal.

Looking for ways to make a difficult conversation easy is the key to a successful relationship. Without communication, your relationship will most likely fail.

So many relationships fall apart because partners can ‘ t communicate with each other and instead they grow further and further apart until their marriage is irreparably broken.

Make sure that you go into this conversation in a good place, without making assumptions about the content and the outcome. Choose a time and a place that won ‘ t be stressful. Make sure that you don ‘ t attack and that you not get defensive but that you listen to what is being said. And know that, no matter what, the world won ‘ t end because of the conversation. Life will go on with what needed to be said out in the open instead of stuck in your head.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Nice Ways To Break Up With Someone So You Don’t Break Their Heart

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I know – ending a relationship is one of the hardest things to do and good for you for trying to find some nice ways to break up with someone so that you don ‘ t break their heart.

You care for this person but you know there is no future for you as a couple and you don ‘ t want to hurt them when you let them go.

Fortunately, there are kind ways to break up with someone without breaking their heart, at least not completely.

#1 – Don ‘ t disappear.

The WORST way to break up with someone is to ghost them, to disappear without a word. I know that it seems relatively painless, that if you just don ‘ t contact them anymore they will get the picture and move on. Unfortunately, ghosting someone makes it easier on you but it ‘ s definitely not a nice way to break up with someone and not break their heart.

Most of us need to have some idea what has happened in a relationship before we can move on. This is especially true if the break up comes from out of the blue. If our person suddenly disappears, we are left wondering what happened, what we did wrong, how someone could treat us this way and how to move forward.

And this is heartbreaking.

Ghosting someone is good for exactly one person – the person who does the ghosting. The person who does the ghosting doesn ‘ t have to face the person they are breaking up with. They don ‘ t have to explain themselves. They don ‘ t have to see the pain on the other person ‘ s face. So, don ‘ t kid yourself if you think that ghosting someone is the kindest thing to do. It ‘ s not. It will only make things worse.

#2 – Tell the truth.

It is essential that, when we break up with someone, we tell the truth about how we are feeling.

How many times has someone said ‘ ˜It ‘ s not about you – it ‘ s about me. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I am just too busy with work to be in a relationship right now. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I need to work on myself before I can love someone. ‘

These explanations always feel like bullshit to me and I am guessing they do to you too.

When you want to break up with someone without hurting them, it is essential that you are honest with them. Perhaps you can ‘ t verbalize exactly why you are breaking up with them but if they ask you questions, answer them. If you just don ‘ t feel a connection, tell them that. If you like them but aren ‘ t attracted to them, tell them that. If your old girlfriends has reappeared tell them that. Tell them the truth.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients struggle with the reasons they were broken up with. They just don ‘ t believe their person was telling them the truth and they question everything. They often say ‘ ˜If he had just told me what happened, I would be able to move on but I just don ‘ t feel like he did. ‘

A big part of recovering from heartbreak is the ability to move on and not telling the truth will hinder your ex from doing so.

#3 – Be kind.

While I encourage people to be honest when they break up with someone, I also encourage them to not be mean. Honesty is important but if you hurt someone in the process, it won ‘ t help your ex ‘ s broken heart.

Imagine if someone told you that the reason they were breaking up with you was because you didn ‘ t have a job and they couldn ‘ t respect you. That they were embarrassed when they introduced you to their friends and that watching them sleep all day instead of working drove you nuts. While all those things might be true, the delivery is key because doing so unkindly will only cause pain.

How about, instead, you tell them that the importance of ambition is different for the each of you and that you feel that this unevenness was making it hard for you to commit to the relationship. By saying it this way, you aren ‘ t attacking them but talking about your feelings about ambition and how that is getting in the way for you.

By doing this, by delivering your reason for the breakup in a way that reflects your feelings as opposed to their deficiencies, you can soften the blow and break up with someone without breaking their heart.

#4 – Don ‘ t do it slowly.

I have a friend who, when he no longer wants to be with someone, doesn ‘ t tell them straight out. Instead, he stops texting and calling as much, he doesn ‘ t respond regularly when they reach out, he spends time with them but not to the extent that he used to.

He says he does so because he doesn ‘ t hurt them but I would argue it actually easier on him and that this actually hurts them more. Much like pulling off Bandaid, ending a relationship quickly and decisively will help your person recover and move on more quickly.

Another thing that many people do is they yo-yo. They want out but they don ‘ t want to hurt their person and they are worried that they will get bored and lonely, so they have a hard timebreaking up with them for good. They break up and then they come back, things are okay for a while and then it all falls apart again. Doing this over and over and over isn ‘ t good for anyone and will definitely lead to heartbreak.

#5 – Don ‘ t move on too quickly.

One of the worst things that can happen is when someone breaks up with you and the next day you see them all over social media with a new partner. Immediately you question everything about yourself and your relationship. You wonder if your person was cheating on you the whole time. You wonder why you weren ‘ t good enough for that person, why they had to go looking for someone else. You assume you have been lied to and you are humiliated and you feel betrayed by your person for flaunting this new person to all of your friends.

Even if you do have someone waiting in the wings, make sure that you leave a respectable amount of time before you bring that person out into the open. Yes, you want the world to know that you are in love but have enough respect foryour ex to give them some time to move onand to not disrespect them in the eyes of the world.

I know that you want to find find ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart. Having respect for your ex and your relationship is the key to doing this successfully.

It is possible to find nice ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart completely.

Of course, every time we are broken up with there is pain but you can control how much pain there is and how quickly your ex can move forward.

It is essential that you don ‘ t just disappear, that you stay and face them. You must be honest with them but also kind. You must end it decisively and you must take care to respect them and not flaunt a new relationship right away.

Breaking up is hard to do but doing it in a way that is respectful and kind will not only help your ex recover more quickly, it will help you feel good about how you ended it and move on without guilt. It is hard not to break someone ‘ s heart when you break up with them but finding kind ways to do so will help their broken heart mend faster.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Why Being Yourself is the Best Way to Succeed at Finding Love

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Many people have a hard time believing that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

Why, they think, would someone want to fall in love with them? They don ‘ t think themselves smart enough or hot enough or funny enough. It ‘ s hard to imagine that anyone would ever want them.

So, they create for themselves someone else, someone else they believe will be more lovable, and they put that person out there – hoping to find love.

Unfortunately, not being yourself is definitely not the best way to succeed at finding love because it will sabotage you in so many ways.

Let me share with you why not being yourself will ensure that you fail at finding love.

#1 – Being yourself is natural.

Being yourself is the easiest thing in the world to do. You have been yourself for decades and you can do you like no one else can.

Not being yourself takes work. Not being yourself, presenting yourself as someone else, making conscious decisions to do thing differently, all require a tremendous amount of energy. It takes keeping on top of the lies that you might be telling. It takes maintaining a façade of who you are not. It takes hiding things from your new person, all the while doing the very difficult task of trying to find love.

And, if you are working so hard at being someone other than you are, you will have a hard time finding the love you seek because it ‘ s hard to do both at the same time.

#2 – You will doom the relationship from the start.

Imagine you meet someone and they are everything that you had hoped they would be. You fall in love and you look forward to living happily ever after. And then you learn the truth about them. How would you feel?

I have a client who met a wonderful guy and they had a summer romance. He made her laugh and the sex was great and she had hopes for the future. As their time together progressed, she noticed that he didn ‘ t seem to have much professional work to do. He spent his time working on his boat and with her but he never talked about what he did and he definitely didn ‘ t have money for dinners out.

She repeatedly asked him about this because she wasn ‘ t comfortable with him not working and her having to pay for dinners. He was vague and put her off. Eventually, she got fed up with the whole thing and pulled the plug. He wasn ‘ t the person she thought he was and she moved on.

So, while you might find love by not being yourself, you won ‘ t be able to keep it!

#3 – Honesty is the key to any relationship.

One of the most important part of any relationship is honesty – without it there is no trust and a relationship will fail. If you start a relationship off not being yourself you will be violating the trust of your partner by not being honest.

In the case of my client, she felt like her boyfriend had done a bait and switch – that he had sucked her in, presenting himself as a successful businessman, when in fact he did what he had to do to pay his bills but that was it.

She does love this man and he has promised her that he will find more work but their relationship has been tarnished because she no longer trusts him the way that she would like to.

So, the best way to succeed at finding love is by being yourself because honesty is the basis of every healthy relationship and thats what you want – a healthy relationship.

#4 – You will feel better about yourself.

It ‘ s very hard to put yourself out there as someone who you are not and to feel good about yourself. To deem that who you are is not good enough to be loved and you must therefore be someone else sucks the life out of you.

How can you, if you are pretending to be someone you are not, feel good about yourself? How can you look yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself? How can you not walk in after a date and wonder how you are going to keep this up? How will you feel if your person falls in love with someone who doesn ‘ t exist?

AND how can you be attracted to someone who doesn ‘ t feel good about themselves. If your self esteem is low because you aren ‘ t being yourself you are going to have a hard time attracting the kind of person you want to be with.

Being yourself in a relationship is the best way to keep your self esteem intact and be attractive the kind of person you want to be attractive to.

#5 – You will keep your friends.

This might seem like an odd one but one of the biggest consequences of not being yourself is that you might lose your friends.

How many times have you, or one of your friends, changed to get or keep a relationship? How frustrating is it to watch them be someone other than they are for some girl or some guy? How quickly do you get sick of it and stop hanging out with them and respecting them?

If you want to keep your friends, I would encourage you to be yourself when you are looking for love. You need those friends. They will have been there before you meet your person and they will be there long after, if the relationship ends.

I know that it ‘ s hard for some people to believe that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

But being yourself is the best way to find happiness, not only in a relationship but in the world. Being yourself is natural and you are good at it. You will doom the relationship from the start if it ‘ s based on a lie. You can ‘ t have a healthy relationship without honesty. Your self esteem will plummet and you won ‘ t be as attractive to others and you could lose your friends in the whole messy process.

Be yourself. Always. You will be glad you did!

5 Things To Do NOW to Get Over a Break Up and Move On

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Ok! You have decided that it ‘ s time to get over a break up and move on.

Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.

Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.

#1 – Be determined.

The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.

Let ‘ s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it ‘ s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn ‘ t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘ ˜trying to quit, ‘ you haven ‘ t ‘ ˜decided to quit. ‘

Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘ ˜try ‘ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.

So, be determined. With determination you can have success.

#2 – Cut them off.

I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.

The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn ‘ t.

If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won ‘ t feel good.

If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it ‘ s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.

So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Write it down.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#4 – Mourn.

I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!

That being said, it ‘ s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.

So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.

If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It ‘ s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.

Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don ‘ t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it ‘ s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.

#5 – Be active.

One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.

I know that in this time of Covid-19 it ‘ s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.

Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘ ˜feel good ‘ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it ‘ s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.

Finally, while I know that you aren ‘ t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can ‘ t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn ‘ t have to derail you for good.

Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.

I know that the future doesn ‘ t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won ‘ t last forever.

Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

I know that things don ‘ t feel good right now but you have read this article in it ‘ s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.

You can do this! I know you can.

Can You Be in a Healthy Relationship and Still Miss your Ex?

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I had a friend call me today. ‘ ˜How can you be in a healthy relationship and still miss you ex? ‘ she asked.

She had just had a lovely date with her guy and, on the way home, she was compelled, by some unknown force, to find out where her ex lived and drive by his house. She thought she was past him and she was now worried that she was not. She liked her new guy and didn ‘ t want to slip backwards.

I assured her that it is very common for people to still miss their ex when they are dating or in a healthy relationship. There are a number of reasons why and here are a few of them.

#1 – The comfort of the known.

When you are newly dating, or in a healthy relationship, one of the reasons that you still miss your ex is the comfort of the known.

I had a boyfriend once who said it would be so nice to be able to skip the dating and go right to the two year mark in a relationship, where everything was comfortable. Because that ‘ s what new relationships are – uncomfortable – and who wants to be uncomfortable?

With your ex, you knew exactly how things were going to play out. Who eats what for breakfast, who needs space before coffee, what happens during Monday Night Football, how Thanksgiving is spent etc. You were in your relationship for some period of time and you were used to each other and that was comfortable.

With your new relationship, even if it has been going on for a while, you might still not be as comfortable as you were and that makes you think back to your ex and your routines and miss the security that you felt.

So, perhaps, it ‘ s not your ex who you are missing as much as the comfort you felt with someone you knew very well.

#2 – Things you shared.

I have an ex who I definitely should not be with right now but, man, did we have FUN!

One July day, while out sailing on Lake Champlain in Burlington, we flipped our sailboat. We came up, sputtering, still holding our wine glasses. We sacrificed the glasses to the Lake and flipped the boat over. Our bottle of wine was still there – our flip flops and t-shirts gone.

We were laughing SO hard. We sailed home, walked to the closest outside bar with bare feet and shared Dark & Stormys. And that night at the hotel was the perfect cherry on top of a perfect day.

We had lots of memories like that, this guy and I. And I think about those days a lot and, enjoy the memories and the feelings they evoke. I LOVE my new boyfriend in a big way but there are many days that I think back on the fun we had and miss my ex. And that is ok.

#3 – What was good.

Yes, your ex is your ex for a reason but they are also someone you fell in love with. And that means there was some good.

When you miss your ex, do you remember how the two of you were when you first met, when you stayed up all night talking and then stayed in bed in the morning making love? Do you remember how good he was with your friends? Do you remember that funny way she stuck her tongue between her teeth when she laughed? Do you remember how he used to hold your hand when you were anxious going to his parent ‘ s house?

When we break up with someone, the things about them that made us fall in love with them don ‘ t cease to exist. There are still there, in your memory and, perhaps, in real life, and you are going to miss them. Even one of my clients, who was in the most toxic relationship I have ever heard of, misses her ex and the way he could be, even now that she is in a heathy relationship.

So, just because you have broken up, your ex does still have some of the qualities that you fell in love with and, knowing that, will lead to you missing them.

#4 – What you have forgotten.

I have an ex who I used to think of often, even as my relationship grew into the amazing thing it is today. I often found myself thinking about those things above, the good things we shared and the wonderful things he did for me. And I missed him.

And then one day I found an old journal. I had written a few pages in the midst of the turmoil building around the relationship. And, in those written words, I remembered some things that I had forgotten.

It was always all about him – rarely about me. He stopped wanting to have sex quite early on in our relationship and actually strong armed me one day when I made a move. He was insecure and jealous and very possessive.

I had forgotten all of those things. I remembered the one time he sang to me while I was in the shower, the first time we made love and how I believed that I could fix him if I just loved him enough.

This journal helped me to finally let him go – the bad definitely outweighed the good and I had forgotten all about it.

#5 – Who you used to be.

Another reason that you might still miss your ex even if you are in a healthy relationship is because you might miss the person you were in that relationship.

Relationships bring out the best and worst in us and when it ‘ s the best it makes us feel secure and loved.

I remember my first relationship after my divorce. I was fresh meat, out in the world, exploring dating for all of its good and bad. I went into that relationship so fresh, not yet jaded by dating in middle age. I jumped in head first. We travelled, laughed, had amazing sex and fell in love. Ultimately, it didn ‘ t work out but I think about the girl I was during that period of time and I love her. She was going through a really tough divorce but she didn ‘ t let it bring her down. She stepped up, moved on, found love and proved to herself that she could survive anything.

I still think about that guy (and the amazing sex) and don ‘ t wish that I was with him but I relish the person I was when I was with him. And that feels great.

Of course you can be in a healthy relationship and still miss your ex.

Life isn ‘ t linear. I always use the ice cream analogy. Let ‘ s say you have always loved chocolate ice cream. And then all the chocolate ice cream in the world disappears and you can only eat vanilla. And you discover that you LOVE vanilla ice cream. Would that love of vanilla ice cream take away from the love you once had for the chocolate ice cream?

No! It was something you were used to and it made you feel comfortable. You loved that you used to eat it with your kids at the beach in the summer. It tasted really good – although the chocolate didn ‘ t go so well with butterscotch sauce. And, when we eat ice cream, we always love the child that we become – the child that we need to get in touch with more often.

So, if you still miss your ex – it ‘ s ok!! We all do it, at one time or another. The key is to not let it sabotage your new relationship. Again, that person is your ex for a reason and unless hell has frozen over, that reason probably hasn ‘ t changed!

Why Letting Go of Love and Being Friends Is (Mostly) Impossible

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It ‘ s funny how the idea of letting go of love and being friends is one that gives us hope.

You know what I mean – the ‘ ˜maybe we can just be friends ‘ concept. The promise that the connection will continue even if the romance and intimacy end. The idea of it makes letting go of someone not so harsh.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is a lovely one but, in my experience, it is (mostly) impossible to do so.

Let me tell you why ‘ ¦

#1 – Sex changes everything.

Have you ever found yourself in bed with someone who you considered a good friend? Did the friendship somehow evolve into something more, either intentionally or by happenstance? Most of us have at one point in our lives.

What happened to that friendship after sex was introduced into the mix? I bet things changed.

Why? It ‘ s actually chemistry. The act of sex, and the hormones that run rampant, connect people in a way that nothing else does. Furthermore, the hormones can cloud our judgement and actually make us attached to someone in a way that might not actually be authentic. Women especially, after having sex with someone, become attached in a way they weren ‘ t before.

Taking this idea into account, imagine it in the reverse – going from being in a hormonally charged sexual relationship with someone and then stepping back and eliminating that part of your relationship completely. Imagine being in the same room with your person and not touching them. Imagine watching them seduce someone else and knowing exactly what that looks like? How could you somehow not feel bad, to some degree, after having shared an intimacy with that person?

I have a male friend who I dated for about two minutes. He is one of my best friends and we share everything but we agree that if we had had sex, if we had connected so intimately, we wouldn ‘ t have been able to be so honest with each other. The sex would have altered our relationship, whether we wanted it to or not.

#2 – The thousand little cuts.

Relationships don ‘ t fall apart because everything is hunky-dory. Relationships fall apart for many reasons but one of the most common ones is a slow and steady death.

This slow and steady death involves a thousand little cuts, daily hurts, big and small, that gradually tear the fabric of the relationship, leaving it tattered and useless.

You know what I mean. When he doesn ‘ t call when he says he will or when she spends more time with her sister than with you or when you disagree on how much to spend on a TV or when he chooses his work over you. Those thousand little cuts, things that hurt a little but, when accumulated, lead to the death of a relationship.

Now, think about being in a friendship with someone who had hurt you over and over and over. Would you keep a friend who had done so? Friendship is about love and trust and mutual support – how can you have that with someone who treated you badly, and who you might have treated badly in return.

So, as you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is an option for you, think about how much pain is between you and if that is something that you want to carry with you going forward.

#3 – Attachment disparity.

In my work as a life coach, couples who want to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ are couples who struggle with an attachment disparity, an unevenness of feelings that exists after the break up.

What this looks like is often the person doing the breaking up wants to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ only because they think it softens the blow of the breakup. They really have no intentions of being ‘ ˜friends ‘ but they throw it out there, trying to ease the pain for their soon-to-be ex. For the person being broken up with, the desire to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ is often a desperate attempt to not lose their person and to maybe even win them back if they can keep them close.

Is there an attachment disparity in your relationship? Are you reading this article because your heart is broken and you want to hold onto your ex in whatever way you can? Are you dangling the idea of friendship out in front of your ex because you think it will hurt them less, not because you actually want to be friends?

Being friends after a relationship, unless the break up is mutual and there is no attachment remaining, can be (mostly) impossible.

#4 – There will be no moving on.

When relationships end, the first thing that I advise people to do is to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with their ex.

This means no social media, no texting, no going out to places you know they will be, no talking to their friends to find out what your ex is up to. Nothing.

Why? Because it can be impossible to move on if you are still in touch with your ex, if you are seeing how they are getting on with their lives without you, hanging out with old friends, and new, and being successful in life, especially if you are struggling.

So how can you move on if you are trying to maintain a friendship with your ex? How can you stop looking to the past and missing what was instead of looking to the future and what could be? How does watching your ex flirt with another person at the end of the bar make you feel anything more than less than? How can you truly be available to another person if you are still hanging on to your ex?

Moving on after a break up is the key to future happiness. Being friends with your ex is a surefire way to prevent that moving on from happening.

#5 – Your new relationship could be dead on arrival.

Let ‘ s say you get involved with a new someone, someone you see a real future with. And let ‘ s say that your new person introduces you to someone they used to date, an ex who is now a ‘ ˜friend. ‘ How would that make you feel? Honestly?

I am lucky enough to have found a man who is secure enough with himself that he is not threatened by my male friendships but for many people, old lovers being friends is not acceptable.

Men and women, both, can be uncomfortable with the shared intimacy that this friend and you shared. They picture you holding hands and talking about the future. They see the connection that you have from being more than friends once. They wonder if there are still feelings between you, ones that threaten the viability of the new relationship.

Is being your ex ‘ s friend important enough to threaten a relationship that you could have with someone who could actually make you happy and give you the future you want? Think about that before you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is the thing for you.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is an attractive one.

When we are connected to someone the idea of losing them can be so painful that we hold on to whatever we can so that pain is eased. But really, having a true friendship with an ex is next to impossible.

Having had sex, having hurt each other, having feelings for someone that might not be reciprocated, having the ability to move on and being able to have a successful relationship in the future are all things that indicate that being friends with your ex can be impossible.

I am friends with many of my exes. We weren ‘ t friends at the time of the break up but, as time passed and life went on, we reconnected. And I do care about these guys but they aren ‘ t truly my friends. Not in the way my girlfriends are. They have hurt me and I have hurt them and there is a degree of separation that exists between us because of that. Yes, I am Facebook friends with them and we occasionally text but truly our time has passed and I am very lucky to have the life I have now. One that I found all by myself without their friendship in my life.

So, think long and hard before taking this ‘ ˜friendship ‘ step. You will be glad you did!

How to Stop Choosing the Wrong Person Over and Over and Be Happy

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Did you just have to break up with another total loser and are you wondering how to stop choosing the wrong person over and over so that you can, once and for all, be happy?

It happens to all of us. We so want to find the person we will love forever and yet we repeatedly choose someone who not only isn ‘ t good for us but who is often JUST like the person we dated last time.

Seems silly, right? It is but it is very common. Luckily, you can stop this tendency in its tracks with a little bit of awareness and action.

#1 – Know what you want.

You know when you go shopping for a car or a new house, you have some idea of what you want. Automatic or standard? Red or Black? Ranch or Cape? City or suburbs? Either way, you head into one of the biggest decisions of your life knowing what you want.

Of course, we can ‘ t always get exactly what we want, and sometimes what we want ends up being different from what we thought we wanted, but knowing mostly what we are looking for at the outset is important.

People always say they want someone who is attractive, funny, intelligent, financially secure etc. What I always encourage people to look at, however, is how they want their person to make them FEEL.

For example: instead of someone being attractive, someone who makes me smile when I see them. Instead of someone being funny, someone who makes me laugh out loud. Someone who is financially secure meaning someone who makes me feel safe.

Knowing how you want someone to make you feel is way more important than looking for specific traits in someone. You know that guy who is HOT and then he opens his mouth and what comes out makes you want to run for the hills? That is what I mean.

As you work to stop choosing the wrong person over and over, take stock of what it is you want, how you want your forever person to make you feel.

#2 – Look hard at your past.

Okay, this part is really important. You know the phrase ‘ ˜history repeats itself? ‘ It does, in more ways than one.

If you take a moment and take a run down of your last few lovers I am betting that all of them have at least one thing in common. Perhaps your first reaction is to think that I am wrong here but I am most likely not. Think harder.

One of the biggest issues in my marriage was my husband ‘ s drinking. I swore to myself that I would never choose a guy who drank too much. And what happened? Almost every guy I have dated since my divorce drank too much (except for one, who was in recovery). I also promised myself that my next life partner would have a healthy relationship with his family. Again, this was not a common thread between my partners.

Unless we learn, we tend to choose the same people over and over. We make the same mistakes over and over. This is why so many second marriages fail – because we don ‘ t learn a thing from our first marriage and we plunge in again quickly and blindly.

So, take a serious look at your past. Get out a piece of paper and write down the pros and cons of the last few people you have dated. Note their similarities and vow to yourself that you won ‘ t get involved with someone similar again.

#3 – Don ‘ t ignore red flags.

What are red flags, you ask? Red flags are those things that you notice that, as your relationship develops, causes concern. Perhaps your person isn ‘ t nice to their mother or spends a lot of money or struggles to hold a job or doesn ‘ t like your friends. You know what I am talking about.

The thing about red flags is that they are ignorable and, as a result, they get ignored. We see the flags and look past them, hoping that we are wrong or hoping that our person will change or hoping that if we just love them enough those red flags will disappear.

Unfortunately, red flags rarely just go away.

So, if you see red flags that give you pause, that make you wonder if this person is the person you want to be with, don ‘ t ignore them. You probably ignored them in relationships past but I encourage you not to do it again if you want to stop choosing the wrong person over and over.

#4 – Listen to your friends.

How many times have you had someone in your life and your friends told you that that person just wasn ‘ t good for you? How many times did they see the things that you didn ‘ t, or weren ‘ t willing to, see? How many times did they encourage you to stop taking so much shit and move on?

It is essential that, if your friends, the ones who know you well, see issues with your person, LISTEN TO THEM. More often than not, your friends only want what is best for you. Yes, they might have extreme ideas about how bad your person is for you but their ideas are, more often than not, based on the truth.

So, even if you don ‘ t trust yourself to stop choosing the wrong person over and over, trust your friends to have your best interests in mind and look out for you. That ‘ s what friends are for!

#5 – Don ‘ t be scared to be alone.

One of the major reasons that we choose the wrong person over and over is because we are willing to take whatever presents itself to us. We are so scared of being alone or we believe that the person in front of us is the best that we can do that we try to make them be more than they are.

Because we are scared of being alone, we ignore red flags, we don ‘ t listen to our friends, we talk ourselves into believing that this person can be who we want them to be if we just love them enough.

So, a key part of how to stop choosing the wrong person over and over is to know that it ‘ s okay to be alone. And it ‘ s essential that you believe that you can, and will, find someone else.

What I can promise you is that, if you stay with someone who is wrong for you, you will waste time not being single and available for when the right person comes along!

Good for you for wondering how to stop choosing the same person over and over.

We all do it. We all go into dating knowing that we want to be in a couple but we don ‘ t necessarily know what we want. Furthermore, we don ‘ t look at our previous relationships to learn from past mistakes. We ignore red flags and our friend ‘ s advice and we compromise because we are worried that we will be alone forever.

The right person is out there for you. Follow these steps and you will find them and you too can live happily ever after!

You can do it!

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