7 Ways to Rekindle Love with Your Wife

/by

 

Marriage is long and hard and it’s easy for married couples to lose their way. To start taking each other for granted and to, sometimes, fall out of love.

But there are ways to rekindle love with your wife, if you are willing to make the time and the effort to do it. And it’s not that hard to do…you have done it before, when you were falling IN love.

What I would encourage you first and foremost to do is to talk to your wife about how you feel and what you want to do. That you are feeling some space in your marriage and that you are interested in finding each other again. It is important that both spouses are on board. If she just isn’t interested, don’t waste your time.

I did have a male client who worked for months to rekindle his marriage, only to have her ask for a divorce in the end. She was just going through the paces, not really invested in the outcome of his efforts.

So, after you have checked in with your spouse and agreed to move forward, here are 7 ways to rekindle your love with your wife.

#1 – Do things that you used to do together.

Remember when you and your wife first met, the things that you used to do together, the things that you did together that led to your falling in love?

Do you still do any of those things? I am guessing probably not. And if you do still do them, you probably don’t do them very often.

The past can be a powerful thing. Think about how you feel when you hear a song from your youth or smell something that reminds you of something in your past. Can’t you “feel†those things. Don’t they take you back to a moment in time that you can feel in your body, even if just for a moment?

So you can do with your wife, to help reignite your love.

I have a client who told me that, when he and his wife dated before their marriage, they did two things every weekend. They went for a long hike and took themselves out for margaritas afterwards. Getting up early in the morning and being on the trail before everyone else made them feel so close and earning those margaritas together made them feel like they were a team.

Since they have gotten married, those weekends together have disappeared. To be fair, weekends can be consumed with kids’ activities or work or commitments to extended family. But, also to be fair, some of their weekends were free. And yet, they didn’t take advantage of those free weekends to spend any time together.

I would encourage you to make the time to do the things that you and your wife used to do together. Get a babysitter for the kids. Plan ahead and have it on your calendar so that nothing else gets in they. Whatever it takes for you to spend time together doing the things that you used to love to do.

#2 – Do new things together.

On the flip side, I always encourage men who are looking to rekindle love with their wives is to do new things together.

We all tend to get into ruts, to do the same things over and over and over, especially when we have been married for a long time. And that kind of stagnation can kill the love in a marriage.

So, what are things that you and your wife can do together that is new? It can be as simple as going for a walk together every night or something a little more complicated like learning how to dance. Anything that will involve the two of you, side by side, learning something new that shakes up your life just a little bit.

#3 – Touch each other.

Be honest. How often do you and your wife touch each other? Other than maybe the occasionally married people sex, do you have the same kind of physicality that you used to have before you were married.

While I know that having more sex would be lovely, I would encourage to you to invest in a simpler form of physical touch – hugs and hand holding. Why? Because human beings communicate better with actions than words. Words can sometime come out wrong – a hug is always a hug. Something that makes you feel good.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can bring a couple together. And holding hands while driving in the car or taking a walk will connect you in a way that almost nothing else can.

So, take the time to touch your wife. It might feel weird to do at first if it’s something that you haven’t done for a while but you will grow to enjoy it very much. I promise.

rekindle love in your marriage

#4- Learn each other’s love language.

For many people, when they try to make their partner feel loved, they give their partner what they would need to feel loved. And then they don’t understand why it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is because what one person needs to feel loved might not work for another person. So, their efforts are in vain.

This is where the love languages come in. In theory, there are 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift giving. If you can speak to your partner in their love language, they will feel loved.

When I was married, we didn’t know about the love languages. If we had, we would have known that my love language was quality time and his physical touch and we would have stopped giving each other acts of service!

So, learn each other’s love languages. It’s easy to do. Just go on to this website and take the quiz. Do it together!

#5- Use your words.

I hear the same thing over and over, from men and from women. “He/she doesn’t need me to tell them I love them. They know.†And, I tell them, over and over, that it isn’t necessarily true!

People need to hear that they are loved. That someone thinks that they are beautiful. That someone is proud of something that has been accomplished. It’s just human nature – affirmations can make us feel love and connected and nurtured.

So many couples, while they might have been good at this in the beginning, stop telling their partner how they feel about them as time goes on. As a result, neither one of them feels loved and connected and their feelings for each other fade.

This can be easily stopped if you both just start speaking up about what you see and how you feel.

I don’t mean to love bomb your partner. That won’t feel authentic. But when she walks in the room, tell her how great she looks. I promise you, the effects will be immediate.

#6 – Regular Check Ins.

I remember the summer that my husband and I decided to have a drink together every night after work. It was something that we had stopped doing once our kids took over our lives.

The pattern was that he would come home form work and I would be in the middle of dinner and homework and I would put him right to work. We would do everything that we needed to do for the rest of the night, falling into bed, exhausted, barely having acknowledged each other.

And this only disconnected us.

So, make an effort to check in at least weekly with your partner, even more if possible. Learn about what is going on in each other’s lives. How each other is feeling. What to can to support each other. Rebuild your connection so that you feel close to each other in a way you haven’t done for a while.

#7 – Talk about the future.

Talking about the future is something that couples do regularly when they are first together. Those heady days of falling in love and visualizing what the future could hold.

Unfortunately, talking about dreams for the future often gets put on hold during the chaos of married life. And, if there are dreams being considered, they are often just for oneself and not for a couple.

Talking about the future is a verbalization that you see each other together going forward. A confirmation that you know that your hopes and dreams for the future, no matter how distant, are aligned. This is an essential part of feeling connected.

My ex-husband and I used to talk about the future often. We were nervous about it because our marriage was struggling but still we talked about it. When he stopped wanting to talk about the future, I knew that it was a sign that our marriage was over.

So, keep looking ahead with your wife. It will make you excited about things to come!

I hope that you now see that it is possible to rekindle love with your wife.

I know that some of the things that I have listed might seem a little bit intimidating and of course they do – most or even all of them are things that you are out of practice doing. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again.

You can do it!

 

5 Lies Your Married Men Will Tell You Over and Over

/by


I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are in a relationship with a married man and that it’s not going well. Or, perhaps, you are considering getting involved with a married man and you are doing some research ahead of time.

Good for you. Because getting involved with a married man is one of the most heartbreaking, soul crushing things that you could ever do.

Why? Because your entire relationship will be based on lies, some of them lies he doesn’t even know that he is telling.

There will be many lies that your married man will tell you – here are 5 of them.

#1 – That you are his top priority.

Does your married man always tell you that you are his top priority. That every choice he makes and everything that he does is with you at the top of his mind?

Even as he says these things, do his actions speak louder than his words? I am guessing yes – that you never, ever feel like a priority.

How can a man make you a priority when you are a secret? Your married man essentially has two lives – the real one in which he has a wife, a family, a social life, a career, perhaps even a pet, and then the one he has with you, inside your little bubble.

And societal exceptions are such that your married man must step up and take care of his family and his work and therefore, he must choose them every time. If he doesn’t, and he can’t give reason to why he is slacking, your man will lose face. He won’t feel like the man who he should be, living up to his responsibilities, and he won’t feel good about that.

So know that, every time, he will make his real life the priority, even if he doesn’t believe that he will. He will choose his real life over your birthday and when you are sick or when you are lonely.

I do believe that your married man might believe that he makes you a priority but the reality is that, even if he wanted to, he just can’t.

#2 – That he will leave his wife.

I know – this is one you lie you will hear over and over and over – that he will leave his wife and you will be together.

And, as much as your guy might want to believe that he will, he won’t.

Why? Because it’s not just about leaving his wife. It’s about leaving his kids and his social group and damaging his finances and disappointing people he cares about.

I have a client whose affair partner told her that he was ready to leave his wife. His wife had learned about the affair and was making his life miserable and he wanted out.

His wife gave him thirty days to make a choice – his wife or his affair partner. And, even though for 2 years he had told his affair partner that he wanted out of the marriage, and swearing that this time he was going to do it, he didn’t leave his wife. He stayed with the wife he didn’t want to be married to but also with the kids and the grandkids who he loved very much.

I know that you are thinking that your married man cares about you – very much – and that things will be different with you. And I am sure that he wants to be with you as well but, I am afraid, only in a parallel world – one where he can be with you and not hurt those he loves and destroy his finances.

#3 – That you are his soul mate.

Every single client I have ever had who had an affair told me that their affair partner was their soul mate. That they had a connection like none other and that they were cosmically meant to be together. I felt that way too, when I was having an affair with a married man, so I get it.

But, it’s bullshit, I am afraid.

The two of you have come together in a bubble. Everything that you share is magical because the time you have together is brief and intense. You don’t have to fight about money and kids.  You have amazing sex. You can tell each other anything. You even say you trust each other.

The reality is is that, on the most basic level, this guy is not your soul mate. How could your soul mate be someone who treats you this way. Someone who breaks promises and doesn’t do what he says he is going to do.

And, be honest with yourself. If you were with this guy in the real world, not the guy you believe that he could be but the guy he is right now, would you really live happily ever after? Or do you see some serious red flags that might have caused you to walk away from someone who wasn’t married and with whom you were just dating?

If you insist on thinking that your affair partner is your soul mate, consider this:  Elizabeth Gilbert, in “Eat Pray Love,†avers that soul mates are people who come into your life, shake things up and then walk away. And isn’t this what this guy has done? Hasn’t he woken you up to what you want in a relationship? Hasn’t he made you question how you make choices? Hasn’t it made you remember how good sex can be? Maybe you should walk away from your married man and find out who exactly YOU can be!

Again, while your married man might say that you are his soul mate, when you are lying in your bed at 2am, lonely again, ask yourself whether what he says is true.

#4 – That he doesn’t want to hurt you.

I am guessing that your affair partner tells you every day that he doesn’t want to hurt you. That he loves you and that you are his priority and that any pain that he causes you causes him pain as well.

And I’m guessing that he means it, to an extent. But if he really didn’t want to hurt you, he would give you what you needed instead of telling you one thing and doing something differently, instead of stringing you along, making you miserable.

Nobody wants to hurt someone who they care about. Your affair partner doesn’t want to hurt you, but he also don’t want to hurt his wife or his children so, in order to not hurt you, they must hurt them. And vice versa. And he knows this.

Again, this one is most likely not an intentional lie, and it is something that he says that he doesn’t want to do but it is something that he will do over and over.

So every time your partner says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, just know that he’s lying. That he will continue to hurt you over and over because he will never make you a priority and will choose to hurt you over hurting his wife and family.

#5 – That his unhappiness is all his wife’s fault.

I also have to say, quite bluntly, that it’s just bullshit if your married man is telling you that him being unhappy is all his wife’s fault.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients tell me that their affair partner’s wife refuses to have sex with them, or treats them horribly or never listens to them or has lost all respect for them or any other horrible thing that he believes to be true in his marriage.

But think about it. I’m sure you have friends who are in unhappy relationships, and they don’t always treat their partners as well as they might because of their unhappiness. I am sure you have even been there. None of them are bad people – they are just unhappy.

And bad behavior doesn’t happen in a void. One person doesn’t just become evil while the other one stands innocently by, unbelieving.

Remember, there are two people in every relationship and two different perspectives about that relationship. If you believe that your affair partners wife is everything that he says she is, you’ll just be believing a lie.

Furthermore, know that,  if you do end up with him, you might someday be the person he will blame if your relationship has trouble. You want to be with someone who recognizes his role around difficulties in a relationship and not blame them all on someone else.

So there you go, five lies your married men will tell you, over and over and over.

Nobody wants to lie and, more likely not, your married man doesn’t believe that he is lying. He believes that he is the man he is presenting to you. He believes that you are his top priority and that he will leave his wife and that you are his soulmate and that his unhappiness is his wife’s fault. But the reality is, he is a product of wishful thinking. He is somebody who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who hasn’t taken any responsibility for issues in his relationship.

As a result, to protect himself, he lies, over and over.

Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who lies to you again and again? If your married man wasn’t married and you were just in a regular relationship, would you put up with these kind of lies?

I’m guessing not.

Don’t put up with them in this situation. Walk away…you deserve more.

9 Things that Make Men Vulnerable to Having an Affair

/by


I believe that no one sets out to have an affair. That affairs are things that, more often than not, result from issues entirely unrelated to the affair itself.

Understanding what those issues are so that they can be dealt with before an affair destroys lives is the best way to keep one’s love life healthy and on track.

#1 — Loneliness.

This is probably the most obvious reason that someone might embark on an affair. If one is lonely, they are vulnerable to getting into any kind of relationship, including an affair.

Many men are exhausted from dating apps and wasted time going on dates with women who aren’t right. When someone appears in their life, married or not, who they are emotionally and physically attracted to, they see someone who can assuage their loneliness.

Unfortunately, this “cure†for loneliness will be a fleeting one as being involved in an affair ultimately only leads to more loneliness and despair.

Don’t use loneliness as excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with — and don’t use it as an excuse to stay in an affair when you know that you shouldn’t!

#2 – Feeling ignored.

For many of my male clients, feeling ignored is a big factor in why they get involved with someone who isn’t their partner.

In many relationships, particularly long term ones or ones with children, men go from being a priority in their partner’s life to being someone who is pretty far down on the priority list. And, because men don’t like to make a fuss, they tend to keep quiet about their dissatisfaction with their place on the ladder.

Unfortunately, staying quiet only fuels the unhappiness of being ignored which makes a man vulnerable when another person comes along, someone who does make them a priority and makes them feel loved.

#3 – Needing sex.

Men need sex. Women do too of course but, for most men I have spoken to, sex is a driving force in their lives, something they think about almost every minute of every day.

When a man is in a relationship with someone who they used to have sex with but with whom sexual encounters are now rare, they often develop a yearning for sex that can, at times, be overpowering. Even worse for many men, their partners continue to have sex with them but only because they feel like they must.

As a result, when someone comes along who not only will have sex with them but who fully desires them, cheating becomes a previously unconsidered possibility. Their sexual drive can take over from their logical thinking and they can fall into infidelity before they even know it.

#4 — Commitment issues.

I know that it almost seems like a trope that men have commitment issues but, like women, they do.

Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps they are afraid of abandonment such as a parent did to them. Perhaps they don’t want to give up their independence. Perhaps they are concerned their career will suffer. Perhaps they just aren’t ready to settle down.

For whatever reason, men who are in relationship often self-sabotage because of these fears.

Why are men who have commitment issues vulnerable to having an affair? Because in an affair, particularly if your affair partner is married, you don’t have to commit. In an affair you get to have fun times and sex when you want it and then go back to your regular life and to the partner you are scared to commit to.

Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider if that’s why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues and consider if perhaps addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them would be a good idea.

#6 – Something big is happening.

Many of my clients have had affairs when something big is happening in their lives.

One client had an affair when their mother was dying. One had an affair when they lost their job. One had an affair when they were struggling with depression.

Why does having something big happening in one’s life tie into having an affair?

Because affairs give people the hit of dopamine, that feel-good chemical, that helps them manage their emotions temporarily. An affair distracts them from the difficulties of the world. In an affair, they most likely have a partner they can discuss difficult issues with safely.

So, if you are going through something big and are reading this article, know that considering having an affair might be directly related to that.

#5 — Their father did it.

I know — we all believe that we can break away from the patterns that our fathers taught us. After all, we are younger and wiser and times have changed, correct? Nope.

My father had affair after affair and they played out all through my childhood and adolescent years. I remember going to the office with him when I was in third grade and knew that the woman I met was having an affair with my dad. Over the years, my siblings and I were lied to and deceived and watched our mom fall further into despair. We had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

So, what happened? I had an affair. I knew that I was repeating history, but I just couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!)

Did your father cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma and don’t let yourself sink down into an affair.

#6 — The past.

One of my clients had an affair on his wife with his college girlfriend. They had reconnected by chance online. Their relationship had ended badly but as soon as they met up all the old feelings came rushing back. Soon, they were involved in an affair that was exciting and took them back to their glory days. Unfortunately, their trip down memory lane hurt a lot of people.

In this time of ubiquitous social media, this happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love and it takes them back their younger days, when the future was bright and love was easy. That being said, the past is the past and your ex is your ex for a reason.

So, don’t be fooled into thinking that a past love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)

#7 — An unhappy marriage.

This is most the most common reason that men have affairs — because they are in an unhappy marriage.

I always say that people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their life. That some piece of their marriage is missing and that it’s easier to move on to someone new than try to address the issue at home.

And to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional and/or physical needs are being met elsewhere, the desire to work on a relationship vanishes so those issues just never get addressed. As a result, the need for the affair persists – a dangerous thing for all.

#8 – Self esteem issues.

Many men who enter into affairs have self-esteem issues.

Some of these issues are deep seated, hailing back from childhood. Some are the result of being in an unhappy relationship where they aren’t treated well. Some are the result of life circumstances, like losing a job.

Whatever the reason, men with self-esteem issues are very vulnerable to having an affair. Why?

Because the affair makes them feel good about themselves. They feel loved. They feel heard. They feel wanted and are praised for their sexual prowess. And they get that feel-good dopamine hit that can immediately raise someone out of a dark place, albeit temporarily.

#9 – Wanting to be admired.

We all want to be admired for who we are and how we look and the things that we do.

Unfortunately, for people in long term relationships, admiration often has been put to the side. It’s not necessarily because the partners no longer admire each other (although that is often the case after a thousand little cuts over the years). It’s because people start taking each other for granted. They no longer see the things that they used to praise their partner for. They don’t do it on purpose but they do do it.

People having affairs are awash with admiration. Their affair partner thinks that they are perfect, that everything they do is perfect, and they tell them that repeatedly. Unfortunately, like any relationship, with time this seeing your person as the ideal fades as their humanness becomes evident so an affair is a short term fix to a long term problem.

So there you go – 9 reasons why a man might be vulnerable to having an affair.

No one wants to have an affair. No one wants to cheat on someone they care about or do something that doesn’t feel good. But affairs happen, for a variety of reasons.

If someone can understand what it is in him that might be leading him down the path to an affair, he just might seek a means of addressing those issues before things get out of control.

5 Things to Consider Before Dating Again After a Long-Term Marriage

/by


Are you thinking about dating again after a long-term marriage? Are you newly divorced and eager to get out there into the world of dating?

Is the idea of doing so incredibly scary?

For me, and for many of my clients, the idea of dating after divorce was very intimidating but we did so nonetheless, eager to find love again. And many of us did find that love and you can too!

The key to finding that love is going into dating consciously so that you can do things differently this time round and find the person, and the relationship, you seek.

#1 – Take your time.

Many people who are interested in dating again after a long-term marriage jump in too quickly. I know that you are probably feeling lonely and scared that you’ll never find someone to love but rushing into it, just like rushing into anything, can lead to failure and heartbreak.

A general rule of thumb for someone for when to get into a new relationship is two years after the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean you can’t start dating before that, but getting into a new relationship is not a wise move.

For those of us who have been divorced for a while, when we encounter someone who is newly separated or still not divorced, we steer clear. Why? Because people who are newly separated or still going through their divorce are people who are very emotional. They are people who are very vulnerable. They are people who require more care than somebody wants to give in the early stages of dating.

Just a few months after my husband left me, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was hesitant about getting into a relationship with me, but was willing to do so because our connection was so strong. However, I was still very emotional about everything that was happening and he just didn’t have the patience for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, but he had been through his own divorce and he didn’t want to relive it again.

So, if you are thinking about dating again, I encourage you to take those first steps if you want to, but to not jump into a relationship until you’re done fully, processing your emotions around the end of your marriage and the technicalities of your divorce.

#2 – Make sure you know what went wrong in your marriage.

A mistake that many people who start dating again after a long-term marriage make is not taking some time to figure out why their marriage ended.

The divorce rate for people in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate for people in first marriages. Why? Because people don’t try to understand what happened in their marriage. They just jump into a second marriage because they are unhappy being alone or are looking for the financial security that one gets in a marriage. However, they don’t know what went wrong in their first marriage, what their role in the demise of that marriage might’ve been. As a result, they make the same mistakes in their new relationship.

Have you taken the time to reflect on your marriage? Do you understand the things that led to the divorce? Do you understand your role in the end of your marriage?

If you have done your work, proceed with the dating and have fun! If you haven’t, I would encourage you to take the time to do so. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a life coach who can help you step back and take a look at what happened would be very helpful.

Even if you aren’t thinking about dating again, taking the time to reflect on your long-term marriage and what you might have done differently will be an excellent step as far as healing as you move forward.

#3 – Take stock of what you want to be different.

Once you have taken the time to understand what went wrong in your marriage, now it’s time to take stock of how you want things to be different in your new relationship.

Many people make a list of the traits they they want in the person they’re looking for, and that is helpful, but it’s important to understand more about how someone makes you feel as opposed to traits that they have.

After all, you could find a guy who is really funny but perhaps he makes you feel insecure. Or somebody who’s financially successful but who makes you feel abandoned.

I would encourage you to start with making a list of the traits you would like to see in someone and then taking stock of what of how that trait would make you feel.

If you’re looking for somebody who enjoys quality time, what does that look like for you, specifically? If you’re looking for someone who will love your children, how must they make you feel about that?

Just like we do in any area of our life, we take the time to define what we want in any situation. If we don’t do this, it’s really hard to get what we want.

#4 – Make sure you are dating for the right reasons.

It is essential that, if you want to start dating again after your divorce, you are doing so for the right reasons.

As previously stated, many people jump back into dating for the wrong reasons. It’s not so much that they are ready to fall in love again, as it is that they are feeling insecure about their place in the world. After being part of a couple for many years, suddenly being on their own out in the world is a scary thing. Perhaps they’re worried about financial security. Perhaps they’re scared that they’ll never love or be loved again. Perhaps they just are uncomfortable being alone.

Do you know why you want to start dating again? Is it because your friends are pressuring you to do so? Is it because you don’t enjoy being the odd man out in social situations? Is it because you need someone around to help you manage your car and your taxes?

As you take stock of what you want in a new relationship, also take stock of whether right now is the time for you to start dating or if perhaps you’re not quite ready.

Doing so for the wrong reasons might only lead to heartbreak, something you really don’t need any more of after your divorce.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

An essential part of dating again after the end of your marriage is taking care of yourself.

Dating is hard. It’s something you haven’t done for a while and something that you are out of practice at.

Dating takes a lot of focus and energy, things that can be hard to access in this crazy world we live in. Focusing on dating exclusively might lead to you not putting energy into other places in your life, like your work or your kids which would not be good.

Dating also involves rejecting and being rejected. It can lead to heartbreak. It can lead to insecurity. It’s important that you have awareness of this before you go into dating and that your self-esteem is strong enough to manage it all.

I know I’m making it seem like dating is a horrible thing, and maybe even discouraging you from trying it, and that is not my goal. I had a lot of fun on dates and made some great friends, including someone who introduced me to my now husband. But dating is fraught and delicate and frustrating so make sure that, as you go through this journey, you don’t neglect your self-care.

Make sure that you spend time with friends, do things that you love, get enough sleep, food, and exercise. All of these things will keep you emotionally and physically strong as you embark on this journey. In any case, these things are essential to living a good life.

So there you go – 5 things to take into consideration before embarking on dating again after long term marriage.

Good for you for feeling brave enough to get out in the world and do something that you haven’t had to do for a long time. It’s not an easy thing to even consider dating again after divorce, but the fact that you are trying to learn more about if and when you should get started will lead you to success.

So make sure you don’t hurry into a new relationship. Make sure you know what you want and what went wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You have a whole new life ahead of you and you will find the love you see. I promise.

The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

/by

 

If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

It’s Time for Women to Start Talking About Why We Have Sex

/by


It’s an age-old sentiment – how do you get a man to do anything, absolutely anything? Have sex with him. And, according to my male clients, almost everything that they do in a relationship is with the goal of having more sex. As a result, for time immortal, it has been accepted, sometimes even lauded, that sex can be a transactional thing between men and woman.

But should it be?

I have a client whose marriage is struggling. Her husband has ADD and works too hard and doesn’t prioritize her. For years, she has been trying to get him to consistently notice her, to want to spend time with her, to enjoy the things that they used to enjoy together. And, most days, she fails.

Unless – she has sex with him.

She tells me that if she has sex with him, something she knows that he wants twice a week, he will be way more willing to spend time with her.

So, she has sex with him and he does something nice and then things go back to the way they always are, her feeling lonely and disconnected, him doing his own thing. Until they have sex again and so the gerbil wheel turns.

Another client has sex with her husband twice a week because, if she doesn’t, she feels guilty. My client works full time, manages her children’s schedules and keeps the household running smoothly. Her husband helps but she is the one who keeps the train on the track. More often than not, the last thing that she wants to do at the end of the day is have sex.

But, her husband wants it. He has made it very clear that he does and he often sulks in the moment when he doesn’t get it. The next day he is irritable and the more time that passes between sexual encounters, the less helpful he is around the house. My client believes that she is responsible for this behavior because she didn’t have sex with him and so she does so, begrudgingly.

I am sure that many women have found themselves in similar situations, more than once, probably with different men throughout their lives. And I am sure that many of those women have accepted that this pattern is okay, that this is just the way that it has always been, men want sex and women give it to them.

But I am asking – is it okay that women accept this pattern? Is it okay that women must give their body to their husband/boyfriend because that is just the way that it’s always been done, or, in some cases, because a god says it’s their duty to do so?

When I was in college, I was in a “friends with benefits” relationship. It was consensual and fun and satisfying. And then one day he showed up at my dorm room, drunk. I had been studying and was in bed reading. He made it very clear that he wanted sex. I did not and said so but he kept pushing it, kissing me and touching me, until we ended up in a position with him on top of me. I remember so clearly, 40 years later, making a conscience decision in that moment to give in and let him have sex with me. After all, we had had sex before and I should just give it to him and be done with it. So, I did. And, surprisingly to me, I walked away feeling hollow, used and hating myself.  I have had a fraught relationship with sex ever since.

One might think that my college experience was different from those of my clients. After all, they are married and want to do things that make their husbands happy. My question is, is it really that different? Is it our responsibility to submit our body to men to keep them happy, even if we don’t want to, in any situation?

My answer to this question is this – only if it makes us feel good in the end. And I am not saying that we need to have an orgasm. What I am saying is that is important that, when we are lying next to our man after sex, we feel connected and loving. That we don’t feel like we have sacrificed something as important as our own body for someone else. That we haven’t experienced any physical or mental pain. And it does happen – women who go into a sexual encounter unenthusiastically ultimately do find pleasure - but often times it does not.

Sexologist Kassandra Mourikis states that having sex with someone because one feels guilty or because they feel it’s their responsibility can have physical and emotional consequences. During the sex act, if a woman isn’t ready, she can feel physical pain in the moment, not something anyone should feel during the act of sex. Repeated instances of having sex as a duty can lead to avoiding any kind of physical intimacy, no longer enjoying a sexual experience and looking at sex as a duty instead of something enjoyable. Most importantly, having sex for someone else can lead to long term mental health issues.

Ironically, all of these things can ultimately lead to the death of a marriage, exactly what a woman is trying to avoid by indulging her husband.

An internet search using the keywords “women must have sex with husbands†found hundreds of articles about why women are obliged to have sex with their husbands. But I think that it’s time that we question this age-old assumption and take a look at why we feel it is our duty to have sex with our men.  We must ask ourselves why we tolerate sex when we don’t feel like it and where this belief that we had to do so comes from. Is it really our responsibility to make our man happy at the expense of our relationship with sex and our mental health?

In my perspective, Ms. Mourikis sums it up perfectly: “Each person is responsible for meeting their own pleasure,†women by setting their boundaries around sex and men by respecting those boundaries and taking their pleasure into their own hands.

How to Rebuild Life After Divorce: 11 Tips from Someone Who Has Been There

/by

 

First and foremost, I want to empathize with you that you have to be reading this article. I am sure that, even if this divorce was the right thing to do, you never want to have one. We all go into marriage so hopeful and it’s horrible when those hopes are dashed.

Now that I have said that, it’s time to talk about how to move on. And you can move on. I promise! I have been there.

Let me share with you 11 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce, things that I learned when I went through it myself and found the life that I had always dreamed of!

#1 – Stand up for yourself.

The first thing that you must do to help you rebuild your life after your divorce happens before you get divorced. It is essential that, as you go through the divorce process, you do the best that you can do to make sure that you will have some financial security going forward.

Most states make sure that property is divided 50/50 but sometimes it doesn’t quite work out that way. And that is ok, but make sure that you get what you need to be able to rebuild your life.

Make sure that you know what you need to live comfortably. If you don’t know what you need, how can you get it?

Make sure that, if negotiations are getting tiresome, you don’t give up. Many people just agree to whatever because they want to divorce process to end. DON’T do this. The last mile is the longest but you can do it!

Make sure that, in the future looking back, you know that you handled yourself with integrity. Divorces are hard and coming out of it feeling bad about yourself won’t help you move on.

I know that this divorce process is long and hard but making sure that you get what you need will help with rebuilding your life going forward.

#2 – Reframe your narrative.

My ex-husband left me for his college girlfriend and I was devasted. For many years, whenever my divorce came up, I told people the truth about what happened. I was angry and I wanted sympathy and that was my narrative.

And then a friend reminded me that I had been miserable in my marriage for a long time and I hadn’t had the guts to move on. The way my ex left sucked but the reality was he did a good thing for us. Our marriage was only sucking us both down. She suggested that, instead of making myself into the victim, I portray myself as a victor, someone who came out of a dying marriage intact and who was rebuilding the life that I wanted.

Reframing my narrative, not seeing myself as a victim, made all the difference in setting the stage for rebuilding my life after my divorce.

#3 – Don’t expect to just bounce back.

I have a client who, after he found out his wife had cheated on him, kicked her out and, within weeks, filed for and got his divorce. He told me that he was one of those people that, when someone wrong them, they are dead to them and that he was moving on.

I knew better.

I know that you want to move on. That you want to let go of the pain and the anger and the disappointment and whatever else it is that you are feeling. And you will. It just won’t happen right now.

For my client, he did not just move on. In spite of the fact that they were divorced, the pain and acrimony continued, for months. He so wanted to stop feeling the way he was feeling but the feelings were still strong and he couldn’t control them.

I know that this might feel disheartening but I can promise you that you will bounce back. Everyone does. It just might take a little bit longer than you might had hoped for!

#4 – Rearrange your space.

If you are still in the home that you shared with your ex, I am guessing that it feels like it is full of the ghosts of your marriage, the good times and the bad. And I am sure that you would like to get rid of those ghosts ASAP.

One of my clients rearranged her home in a big way after her divorce. She took all of the furniture and knick-knacks in her bedroom (throwing or packing away things that caused her mixed feelings) and moved them to the TV room. She then took the TV room stuff and put it in her old bedroom. She told me that doing this switching helped her start to rebuild her life in a big way.

Can you switch up your space? Get rid of things that have bad memories and create a space for yourself where you feel safe? If yes, do it. It could make all the difference.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

I know. This is an obvious one but one we often ignore.

Yes, I know that you are devasted and that eating ice cream on the couch in front of the TV is way more appealing than getting out there and going for a walk. I get it!

But, do everything in your power to get off the couch – at least long enough to take that walk.

If you stop taking care of yourself during this period of transition, it will only hold you back from healing. It is important to get enough sleep (try these tips to help), to eat well and get some exercise. I am not saying join a gym – just make sure that you get your heart rate up every day. I promise you that the dopamine that you get from the exercise will help tremendously with managing your feelings.

As for me, in the months after my divorce, I got a massage once a week. It felt so good to be touched and to have someone take care of me. What would make you feel good?

#6 – Find new friends.

Soon after my husband asked me for a divorce, I met a woman who changed my life. We were both realtors and crossed paths during a house showing. We liked each other and made a plan to go for a walk together. It turned out that she was divorced and newly remarried and that she was a few years ahead of me with rebuilding her life. She helped me understand what I needed to move forward (to make sure that I had all my stuff around me and to stand up for myself financially during the divorce) and inspired me with her happy new marriage.

I met another woman at the pet store and became fast friends. We went thrifting together and drank manhattans and generally had fun. She was someone who I never would have met if I hadn’t been looking for friends.

I know that making new friends can be challenging but pick your head up and look around. There are lots of women out there who are looking for new friends too!

Two women are smiling while one of them is using a cell phone.

#7- Spend time with loved ones.

Chances are good that, after your divorce, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Divorces are hard and can destroy one’s confidence and self-esteem.

If there are any people out there who can help you rebuild your self-esteem it’s your loved ones. The ones who have always been there for you, who know who you are, who know what you need when you are sad, who will remind you, over and over, that you are amazing and that you are going to be okay.

So, instead of isolating yourself, pick up the phone and reach out to someone who loves you. You will be glad you did!

#8 – Don’t jump right into a new relationship.

I know – you are probably feeling pretty lonely right now and just want to get on with your life and, ideally, with a partner. And I get it! BUT, now is not the time.

Now is the time for you to take a good hard look at what happened in your marriage and what you need to do differently next time. If don’t have a clear understanding of what those things are, you will find that you make the same old mistakes. (Over 60% of second marriages fail for just this reason).

If you absolutely must get back out there, dating wise, I would encourage you to go on dates but not get into a relationship. To refamiliarize yourself with dating and flirting and disappointment. That way, when you are ready to get into a relationship again, you will have been in training and will be a better dater and partner.

#9 – Do things that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married we tend to get into ruts. I know that my married life involved chores and meals and yoga and binge-watching TV. And those things were okay and I never really thought about doing anything else.

When I got divorced, I suddenly had the space to do anything that I wanted to do (mostly). So, I thought about what I wanted to do and I did it! Since my divorce I have hiked in Peru, slept at the bottom of the grand canyon, moved to NYC, taking my kids to Europe, started a business and gotten married.

I wouldn’t have done any of those things if I had stayed married and part of rebuilding my life after my divorce was doing things that made my heart sing!

#10- Get help with managing your feelings.

I know. You are tough. You don’t need help. But, let me tell you – you do.

Chances are that you have never been through a divorce before and therefore have no experience with how to do it. Having someone help you navigate this period of your life is essential if you want to cope with divorce emotionally

I know that when I was recovering, I was plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt for the things that I did and didn’t do in my marriage. Guilt about breaking up my family. I also felt bad about myself because my husband left me. And the loneliness was at times overwhelming.

I found myself a life coach who helped with letting go of toxic relationships (which inspired me to start this business) and they helped me process those emotions so that I could move on.

Get some help!  It doesn’t have to be forever – just for now while you heal.

#11 – Know you will find love again.

I know that it doesn’t feel like you will ever love or be loved again. The rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are feeling incredibly damaged as a result.

But I can promise you that you will find love again. There are many people out there, just like you, how are dealing with heartbreak but who are also looking to find love. Just be patient. Your person is out there. I promise!

I know that it might seem impossible right now but it is possible to rebuild your life after your divorce.

The prospect is daunting, I know, but if you can take the tips that I recommend, you will find yourself on the pathway to healing quicker than you will from the couch.

You can do it!

 

Can I Help My Wife Heal after I Cheated? Yes, You Can!

/by


First of all, good for you for wondering how you can help your wife heal after you cheated. Many cheaters don’t do this and good for you for seeking to learn how to do so.

Cheating can have a devastating effect on a relationship, on the cheater and on the person who was cheated on. For many people, cheating leads a lifetime of feeling guilty or hurt or distrustful or self-hatred, all things that are detrimental not only to a couple but also to an individual.

Fortunately, there are ways to help your wife heal after you cheated and, at the same time, help you heal as well.

Here are 9 ways to help your wife heal after you cheated.

#1 – By being completely honest.

The number one most important thing to help your wife heal after your infidelity is by being 100% honest about what happened in the affair. Not 99% – 100%. This includes any details that she asks for and not hiding something because you don’t want to hurt her (a common occurrence for men, who instinctively don’t want to hurt any woman).

The only way to start to rebuild trust in a relationship is by giving your partner the truth. The truth about how and why and when. The truth about questions she might ask. The truth about how you were feeling as it happened. The truth about the circumstances in which you strayed.

Why is the truth important? First of all, truth is essential to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Without the truth, trust is impossible. It is also important reason to be 100% truthful with your wife is so that she has the information that she needs to figure out how she wants to move forward in the marriage.

For some wives, the fact that you cheated means that the marriage is over but, for many wives, their feelings are complicated and they aren’t sure how they want to proceed. Knowing what happened will help them do so.

#2 – By showing remorse.

I know that you are probably feeling pretty guilty right now but are you also feeling a little bit self-righteous? After all, you are probably receiving the brunt of a lot of vitriol about what you did and who you are and that probably makes you feel defensive. How is this defensiveness making you behave? Is it making you push back on your wife’s words or are you showing remorse for what you did?

It is essential that you show real remorse for what happened. I know that you might believe that the whole thing is complicated and that there are myriad reasons why you cheated but the reality is is that you cheated on someone to whom you made a vow to be faithful and the fact that you violated that vow means that it’s time for you to show real remorse.

So, if you want to help your wife heal after your infidelity, don’t push back on her words ubt show her true remorse.

#3 – By cutting off the affair partner.

This is so important! If you have been caught cheating or if you confess to it on your own, of paramount importance with helping your wife heal is cutting off all contact with your affair partner.

And I mean ALL contact. No seeing them, no texting, no liking their Instagram posts. Nothing.

After all, any contact with your affair partner will most likely perpetuate your feelings for them and perhaps keep the affair going. And, if you want your wife to believe that you are truly remorseful, keeping in contact with your AF won’t help with that.

#4 – By being willing to talk about what happened.

Your wife might have lots of questions, questions that you might be very uncomfortable answering. And I am sorry but that is on you.  You cheated and your wife wants to know details and answers to her questions are a key part of helping her heal.

I have a client whose husband refused to tell her the details of what happened and so she reached out to his affair partner, with disastrous results. The affair partner overshared what happened and blamed the wife for what they did. You can imagine how this made her feel.

So, be willing to answer your wife’s questions. If you don’t, she might get her answers elsewhere which would only put another nail in your coffin.

#5 – By accepting that your wife can’t “just let it go.â€

I see this all the time. A husband wants his wife to just let it go. After all, the affair is over – can’t they just get on with life and forget it ever happened?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question is “no.†The affair happened, you got caught and your relationship will be forever changed as a result. It’s time to get used to that fact.

I am not saying that your wife won’t be able to ever let what happened go but it will take some time. It will take some time to accept what happened and figure out how to move forward. It will take some time to work to forgive you, or not, for what happened. It will take some time for her to start feeling good about herself again as she is probably not feeling that way right now.

So, no matter how much you want to sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget it ever happened, know that you can’t. This thing happened and it isn’t going to unhappen and you must face it head on.

#6 – By being willing to get help.

Chance are, neither you or your wife have ever dealt with infidelity in marriage and you will need some support navigating its after effects. The best way to do that is through marriage counseling or coaching.

Many men who have cheated don’t want to go to marriage counseling. They believe that their wife and a therapist will just pile on blame for what happened and that it won’t feel good. The reality is that, with a good coach or therapist, this won’t happen. A good therapist or life coach will help you explore the reasons that you cheated and teach you both some tools to work through this and rebuild your relationship.

I can promise you that, if you refuse to get counseling about your infidelity, the chances that your wife will heal are infinitesimal.

Two people sitting in chairs talking to each other.

#7 – By not blaming her.

I do believe that men don’t cheat if they are in a happy, satisfying relationship. I do believe that men are often presented with someone who thinks them smart and wonderful and who wants to have sex with them, things that might have been missing in their marriage, and they can’t resist the temptation to stray.

That being said, you must take responsibility for the fact that you made the decision to cheat. Yes, your marriage might struggling, and your wife bears some responsibility for this, but you chose to, instead of addressing the issues, get what you needed elsewhere.

One of the reasons that it’s important to not blame your wife is because she is already feeling horrible about herself. How could she not if the person who said they would love them forever cheated? If you blame her for what happened, it might make you feel better but it will only make her feel worse and hinder her healing, in a big way.

#8 – By showing them love.

I know that this might be a hard one but it is essential that you do your best to make your partner feel loved during this recovery period.

Even if you don’t love your wife I am guessing that you still like her. It is important that you show her this. To help her overcome her feelings of self-loathing that are the result of you cheating on her.

Many men try to give their wives space after the discovery of infidelity, mostly because they feel guilty and don’t want to be yelled at. And giving your wife space if she asks for it is very important. But don’t give her too much space. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her if she needs you. Do little things that will make her feel loved.

Even if your marriage might be over, letting your wife know that, no matter what happened, you still care about her, will go a long way towards helping her heal after your cheating.

#9 – By committing to taking a hard look at yourself.

This infidelity didn’t happen in a void. Yes, your marriage might have been troubled but what is it about you that made you step out on your wife? After all, not every man cheats when their marriage is struggling.

For many women, a key part of healing is knowing that their husband is willing to take a good hard look at themselves and why they did what they did. Many men are hesitant to do any self-reflection and showing your wife that you are willing to do so will help her see that you want to do what you can to save your marriage and to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach and start doing some digging now.

Again, good for you for trying to help your wife after heal after you cheated.

I know that you have an uphill battle ahead, that recovering after the discovery of an affair is a long road and one that will take some patience and perseverance.

But you can do it. And you can support your wife in her process to move past this. By doing so, you are ensuring that you and your wife can rebuild your relationship, even if you don’t stay married.

That being said, its way more likely that you will stay married if you take the suggestions above and implement them, now.

You can do it!

10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

/by

10 Ways to Show Your Spouse Gratitude And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Being happily married is the dream for most people. The idea of having a spouse to share their lives with and love unconditionally is why there are internet dating sites and relationship coaches. When we are lucky enough to get one, we are happy.

Unfortunately, what often happens in long-term marriages is that we start taking each other for granted and, even worse, the appearance of contempt of the familiar. We might still love each other but we might no longer appreciate each other.

It is important that, if this has happened in your marriage, to nip it in the bud. The best way to do that? To dig deep, reconnect with what you love about your person and show your spouse gratitude for their existence in your life.

How do you show your spouse gratitude? Let me share.

#1 – Tell them how they make you feel.

When we are first in a relationship with someone, when feelings are developing and love ultimately comes, we are very good at sharing our feelings with someone. It is all so new and fresh and we want to shout our feelings from the rooftops.

However, when we are in a marriage, we can stop being verbal with our partner about how we are feeling.

This happens especially, I have learned in my work, with men. I often ask my male clients how often they tell their wives they love them (outside of the standard ‘I love you’ when hanging up the phone). The answer I usually get is ‘I don’t need to tell her – she knows.’

Well, let me tell you – she might not know.

Men are probably worse at telling their spouses they love them because they are not experts at communication like women are. And that is okay. But it’s important for everyone to strengthen that communication muscle so that we can express our feelings for our spouse and make them feel our gratitude that we have them in our lives.

#2 – Compliment them.

When your spouse walks into the room, do you notice them? Do you notice if they took particular care getting ready or if they are dirty from the garden but looking cute? And, if you do notice them, do you tell them that you like what you see?

Again, as we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge that we like what we see. But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know that you still find them as hot/cute/sexy as you did in the beginning.

#3 – Get involved with what they like to do.

When my husband and I were first dating, I used to get involved in his car projects.  He is renovating an old Ford truck and I would get out in the garage and get dirty and greasy with him. I genuinely enjoyed doing this and it was a fun thing that we did together.

Now, however, six years later, you will rarely find me in the garage working on his cars with him, something that he does every weekend. And, that I don’t do that hasn’t caused him any resentment but, whenever I do offer to spend a few hours with him, he is so happy. So, I do it occasionally and we always enjoy our time together!

#4 – Make them a priority.

This is another way to make sure that your spouse knows that you are grateful they are in your life – making them a priority.

Life is crazy busy with kids, work, hobbies, and extended family, and for some reason, it is usually the spouses who get relegated to the back of the line. I think that this is because we assume that they are okay with that and that we believe that they will always be there when we have time for them.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My ex-husband left me because, among other reasons, he was at the back of my priority line. With my new husband, he is much closer to the top of my priority list and sometimes even at the top. And he really appreciates this, and it feels really good for me to feel his appreciation and only makes me want to do it more often.

#5- Help them with something difficult.

My husband is building a boat shed for his Ford car project. It looks like an upside-down hull (hence the name), and it is not an easy project. Because it’s hard to get skilled labor these days, he is building it himself. It is not an easy job, so every weekend, I am out there helping him build it.

It is actually quite fun for me. I am up on 10 ft ladders, drilling in bolts. I am digging up sod. I am holding the other end of arches that are hard to manage. At the end of the day I am tired and maybe sore but it has been a lovely day, being outside with him, helping him build something that is very meaningful to him.

married couple having fun

#6 – Learn their love language.

An essential part of showing gratitude for your spouse is to learn their love language.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with love languages, it works like this. Each person has one of four things that make them feel loved – quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift giving.

The rub is if we don’t know our spouse’s love language, we won’t know what to do to make them feel loved. And if we don’t know their love language, we will probably try to make them feel loved with what we need to feel loved.

An example of this is, let’s say that you feel wonderful when you are being hugged or holding hands. This means that one of your love languages is physical touch. Great. You can encourage your spouse to give you hugs often. But let’s say your spouse’s love language is not physical touch but quality time; what is most important to them is that they get quality time with you. This, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.

So, if you want your spouse to know how much you appreciate them being in your life, learn their love language and make them feel loved.

#7 – Be thankful for them in your head.

Yes, we can be outwardly appreciative of our spouses and that is good. But, it is also really important that we are thankful for them in our head. Why? Because we want our gratitude to be genuine.

Of course, our spouses can drive us crazy sometimes, maybe even often, but, focusing on the bad stuff in your mind and putting the good stuff to the side won’t help you feel good about your spouse – it will only make you resent them.

So, make an effort to catalog those good things that your partner does, and stay in touch with how you feel about them, so that you can show your spouse gratitude authentically.

#8 – Respect their wishes.

If your partner asks you to do something or to support him doing something that he wants to do, to show your spouse gratitude it is important that you respect their wishes.

If something is important enough to someone that they present it to a spouse then that means that their need is significant. If you just write off something they want to do, they definitely won’t feel loved.

This holds true for behaviors as well. If your husband asks that you not get angry with him so quickly, work hard to do so. If he annoys you, take a deep breath and stay calm. If your wife asks that you make it home on time for family dinner, make every effort to do so.

#9 – Say Thank You.

So many husbands tell me that their wives never thank them for what they do. They say that they go out of their way sometimes to do something nice for them only to be met with silence. The same holds with women who feel like they aren’t appreciated for everything that they do to keep the home front running smoothly.

It is important that we recognize the things that our spouses do for us with a Thank you. After all, how difficult is it to do so?

#10 – Do not take them for granted.

Finally, the key way to show your spouse how much you appreciate them is to not take them for granted and make sure that they know you don’t.

It is so easy to start taking a spouse for granted. After all, we have sworn to love and cherish each other forever so they can’t leave. Right? Unfortunately, they can. I know that another reason my ex-husband left is because I know longer gave him respect that he deserved and that I believed that, no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. Nope that didn’t work out!

Showing your spouse gratitude is something that we don’t do naturally but we should make every effort to do so.

Marriages are hard and long and it can be easy to disconnect from someone you love. But, if you can make an effort to let them know regularly that you see them, that you appreciate them and that you want to be with them it will go a long way towards keeping you connected and your marriage strong.

You can do it!

9 Ways to Be Independent in a Relationship So That You Don’t Lose Yourself In It

/by


 

If there is a common thread between many of my clients it’s that they find it hard to be independent in a relationship and, as a result, their relationships are struggling and they reach out to me.

At the beginning of any relationship, we are our own person. We have friends, hobbies, family etc. Once we get into a relationship, things change. We have a partner, one we want to spend all of our time with (especially if we have an insecure attachment style) and we often lose ourselves in them.

And this, I am afraid, can be a death knell for any relationship.

How do you be independent in a relationship? Let me share!

#1 – Be who you really are.

This is the key to a healthy relationship and one of independence “From the very beginning, be who you are.

I have a client who is never herself when she gets into a relationship. She is an incredibly anxious person and she has a very strong insecure attachment style. The men she is dating would never know it with how chill she acts. Unfortunately, once they fall in love with her, her true manners come out and they are left confused, wondering where is the person they fell in love with

If you aren’t yourself in a relationship, you are going to find yourself needing more and more connection in it because you don’t feel good about yourself and need validation from your partner. This will only take away from being independent in a relationship which could lead to the end of the relationship.

#2 – Don’t drop your friends.

You need your friends. I promise you. You need your friends, especially if things go awry in your relationship.

Often times, the first thing to go in a relationship are friendships. It’s not something that is done consciously it’s just the more time we spend with our partners, the less time we have with our friends. And our friends are generally okay with that as they have relationships of their own.

In the long run, however, letting go of your friends will only lead you to being less independent in your relationship because you no longer have anyone else to play with. So, you spend all of your time with your partner, often, perhaps, doing what they want to do.

#3 – Don’t do only what they want to do.

This is another important part of maintaining your independence in a relationship “Don’t always do what your partner wants to do.

Of course, it is okay to do some things that your partner wants to do. After all, sharing experiences is part of any healthy relationship. But, if you find yourself only doing things that they want to do or repeatedly doing things with them that you hate, you are going to be miserable.

A strong independent woman sets boundaries around activities and makes sure that she does want she wants to do and that her partner do them with her.

#4 – Set individual goals.

This is a key part to maintaining your independence in a relationship making sure that you have set goals for yourself, goals outside of your relationship.

Whether it’s goals around work, exercise, eating right, time with friends and family or fabulous places you want to travel, having something that you want to do that is just yours can give you a lot of confidence. And having more confidence in yourself will make you have a less anxious attachment style which is good for any relationship.

Of course, set goals as a couple too but make sure that you have a few of your own.

#5 – Stand up for yourself.

In any relationship, it is key that you present yourself as a strong, independent woman and that you do not let your partner walk all over you.

I have a client who is struggling in her relationship right now. Her partner isn’t happy with the level of attachment she has to him because it is a burden while he is trying to care for his girls. He had talked about taking a break and thinking things through. Instead of stepping up and advocating for herself and what she wanted, she sat there, frustrated and unengaged, and waited for him to make the call.

That frustrated him even more, because she was being passive aggressive, he felt, so he ultimately called for the break, upsetting my client in a big way.

#6 – Take time for yourself regularly.

 

I have a client who has one day a week that is her day. She and her husband have agreed that it is key to keeping her happy and satisified in their relationship and in her life.

She makes self care a priority, taking a walk or getting a body treatment. She takes time to write in her journal or read a good book. She spends time with friends. And, at the end of her day, her batteries are recharged. She is a better partner, less needy and presents herself as a confident woman, the one she knows she is her own person.

#7 – Keep your money separate.

I know that this one might seem weird, but I believe that keeping your money separate gives one an independence that they wouldn’t get if their money is combined.

Back in the day, my sister didn’t mingle her money when she married her husband. I thought she was crazy because how could she be in a healthy marriage if she wasn’t willing to share. What I saw over the years was that money gave her some independence. She was able to buy what she wanted and her partner wasn’t able to use her money in a way that caused conflict.

And, when they got divorced, dividing the money wasn’t an issue because it was all hers.

#8 ““ Take care of yourself.

A woman who doesn’t take care of herself is a woman who will never be independent. Why? Because when we don’t take care of ourselves we don’t feel good about ourselves and when we don’t feel good about ourselves we turn to our partner for validation, because we can’t do it ourselves.

I am not saying get a gym membership and go on a diet. I am talking about taking walks, getting enough sleep, eating well, spending time with friends and family. Whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself.

If you feel good about yourself you will be a better partner in your relationship.

#9 – Don’t rely on them for support.

I have a friend who, a few years back, was really struggling in her life. She had tried to commit suicide and was consumed with drinking and drugs. But, my friend is a tough woman and, with work, she got out of it. She got better and got married.

Unfortunately, a few years later she started having a tough time again and tried to commit suicide. This time, because she had her husband, she didn’t turn to herself to do the work she turned to him. And, what did that do? It only made things worse when her husband couldn’t support her in the way she needed him to.

Ultimately, they got divorced and she pulled herself together.

So, if you want to be independent in your relationship, make sure that you don’t rely on your partner for support but maintain your ability to take care of yourself if needs be.

Being independent in a relationship is a very attractive thing for people.

Knowing that your person loves and needs you but isn’t dependent on you for your care and validation is something that makes a relationship stronger.

So, even if you aren’t independent now, make an effort to be so going forward. Even if you can only do one or two things that I listed above, you will be on your way to being so and showing your partner, and yourself, that you can live well without them. If you know this, you will be much happier in your relationship, and your life!

 

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin