10 Psychological Facts About Cheating That Might Surprise You

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If you are considering an affair or have a partner who is cheating on you, you might have assumptions about what an affair is.

You might believe that it’s all about sex and connection and fancy vacations and love and travel and all of those sexy things that are so appealing. So appealing that people are drawn into affairs.

But there is so much more to affairs than sex and romance. They are way more messy than you might think.

Why? Because of the negative effect that an affair can have on one’s psyche. An effect that is so profound that it negates most of the pleasure of having an affair.

10 Psychological Facts about Cheating.

With that in mind, let me share with you 10 psychological facts about cheating that may surprise you so that you can know more about affairs as you process getting into an affair or dealing with the discovery that your spouse is cheating.

#1 – The guilt is overwhelming.

I know that it seems like affairs are all romance and sex – and they can be, to be sure. But affairs are, in fact, insidious things that can be destructive in many ways.

The number one psychological fact, one that might surprise you, is that people who cheat often suffer from an overwhelming amount of guilt about what they are doing.

We are all raised to believe that cheating on a partner is not ok. Beyond not ok. It’s one of the worst things that we can do in a relationship. And, when we are in an affair, we are going against everything that we have been taught.

By cheating, we are betraying our commitment to our partner. If we have kids, we are betraying them by doing exactly what we have taught them not to do. We are betraying our parents who raised us. We are betraying our friends and extended family by lying to them.

As a result, someone having an affair will struggle every day with debilitating guilt. Not so romantic and sexy, right?

#2 – The affair is addictive.

Scott Haltzman, psychiatrist and author of “The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity,” in his article for Brainworld.com, posits that affairs produce dopamine and serotonin, feel-good chemicals. When we no longer have these in long-term relationships, we crave them. Having an affair gets these chemicals flowing again, and we quickly get to the point that we don’t want to let them go.

Furthermore, I believe that one of the most compelling parts of an affair is that, when we are in it, we are no longer the person we are in regular life.

Instead of being a wife or a mother or an employee or a child, we are a man or a woman who truly feels.

We feel alive again. We feel young and flirty, and sexual. We feel many things that we haven’t felt for a very long time. And we LOVE this.

When we try to get out of an affair, we are also faced with letting go of this new person we are who has emerged because of this affair and this is often more than we can bear.

So, we stay in it, needing that feeling that we feel when we are with our affair partner. And that is hard to let go of – very addictive indeed.

#3 – Infidelity leads to self-hatred.

I mentioned before that people who are cheating are often suffering from extreme guilt because they are betraying those they love. But they are also letting themselves down.

I know that, when I was having an affair with a married man, I was not being the person I wanted to be in the world. Before I met him, I was single and happy and successful and ready to take on the world. Once I started down this road to infidelity, I started to lose who I was.

I spent my life focused on him. I let go of friends and family. I was obsessed that he leave his wife and his children and to do so tomorrow.

A year into it, I was a fraction of who I was at the beginning of the relationship.

And I hated myself for it. Deeply hated myself.

I sunk into a deep depression and it was only once the relationship finally ended that I could work to restore my self-esteem and find myself again.

#4 – Cheating allows us to ignore relationship issues.

One of the psychological facts about cheating that many people aren’t aware of is that affairs are a means for us to ignore problems that we are having in our primary relationships.

A client of mine was very unhappily married, and she had an affair. Her therapist told her that having the affair was satisfying her physical and emotional needs, and she no longer needed it from her marriage.

As a result, she stopped making any efforts to work on her unhappy marriage. She and her husband carried on as if nothing was happening while she had her affair partner and had all of her needs met.

#5 – Many cheaters are depressed already.

Another client of mine was struggling with depression when we first met. She felt horrible about who she was in the world, and this lack of self-respect led her to make questionable choices about her life.

One of those questionable decisions was to have an affair with someone she worked with.

This affair started for two reasons. The first was that her co-worker totally understood what it felt like to be depressed, and she was able to confide in him. The more she confided in him, the closer they got. This ultimately went down a slippery slope to having an affair.

The other reason that the depression led to the affair was that she wasn’t feeling good about herself, and because she wasn’t feeling good about herself, she made decisions that she might have made differently had she had self-confidence.

So know that depression is one most common reasons that people cheat and something that is often overlooked.

#6 – Many cheaters have commitment issues.

This is one psychological fact about cheating that many people are, in fact, aware of.

According to Wendy Rose Gould, writing for Verywellmind.com, fear of commitment can have a dramatic, toxic effect on relationships. These toxic effects can hurt a relationship and can cause people to cheat.

People who have commitment issues, for a variety of reasons, just can’t commit to anything – a job, a partner, a car or a place to live, and more.

So, they sell their car, get a new job and move, etc. Ideally, they would break up with their partner if they don’t want to commit, but, more often, they cheat.

And cheaters will continue to cheat because of these commitment issues unless they become aware of them and work to do something about them.

#7 – Opposites often attract, and that can be destructive.

An interesting thing about affair partners is how different they often are from each other.

When we choose a partner to share our life with, we tend to find someone who is like us or who complements us. Our morals and values and ways of doing things are aligned and, as a result, we can live a successful life with them.

In contrast, affair partners are often very different from each other. The old phrase ‘opposites attract’ is something that is very common in affairs.

And while this can be exciting for a while, ultimately, it can become very destructive.

Because of their different perspectives, the way they deal with their affair might clash. Someone who is more daring might want to tell everyone and blow up their world, while someone who is more cautious would go out of their way to keep this under wraps. As a result, the cheaters might turn against each other, and all hell might break loose.

#8 – That it’s not about sex.

Again, I know that it seems like affairs are all about sex, but they are not. Of course, there is a sexual component to every affair – chemistry is very hard to resist. But there is so much more to an affair than one might realize.

Most people don’t set out to have affairs. They just slip into them slowly. They meet someone, they become friends, they share the confidence, they spend time together. Gradually, the friendship blooms into something more, and unless they are cautious, it can turn into an affair.

Many people who have affairs have lots of sex at the beginning, but as the affair goes on, the sex dwindles, and it’s the personal connection that lingers. That connection began as a friendship.

So, know that affairs really aren’t about sex but about personal connection, which, in my opinion, can be harder to deal with.

#9 – Many cheaters have no impulse control.

For whatever reasons, many people who have affairs often have no impulse control.

They might have a hard time watching their eating or getting their work done on time. They might buy things on impulse without being concerned about cost. They might change their plans at the last minute to do something completely different.

And, when it comes to having an affair, the temptation is something that they just can’t resist.

They might recognize that getting into the affair is a bad idea and try to push back against it but ultimately, their lack of impulse control gets the best of them, and they start their affair.

#10 – Cheaters have to live with regret.

I don’t know one person who has cheated, myself included, who doesn’t live with a substantial amount of regret about what they did.

As I said, most people don’t seek out affairs – they just happen. Whether or not they did it knowingly, having done so they have to live with it for the rest of their lives.

Whether they have to carry the secret in private because no one else knows or whether they have wrecked their marriage or hurt their kids, someone who has had an affair will be filled with shame and wracked with regret.

Even if the affair is over, they will carry what happened with them, shamefully, until the end of their lives.

So, there you are – 10 psychological facts about cheating that might surprise you.

Again, cheating isn’t all about romance, love, and sex. There is an insidious side to every affair that causes pain (to everyone involved) and anguish and addiction, and lack of self-worth.

Know this as you move forward in your life, whether you might have had or are having an affair or if you are trying to recover your marriage after discovering your spouse has cheated.

This information might help you understand what cheating is all about just a little bit more so you can make a better decision about the next steps for you!

 

8 Things You Should Know About Having Sex With Your Ex Before You Do It

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For a long time, I have told people that having sex with an ex is a really bad idea.

After all, you broke up. Why would you want to revisit something that made you miserable?

What I have learned over the years, however, is quite different. That while having sex with our ex can be a bad idea, it also might be a very good one.

It really just depends on the situation.

With that in mind, I would like to share with you 8 things you should know about having sex with your ex so that you can decide whether it’s the right thing for you to do or if you should stay very far away.

First, the good reasons to have sex with your ex:

#1 – Sex with an ex can bring comfort.

For many people, letting go of someone we love can be very hard. We know that the relationship isn’t meant to be, but that doesn’t mean we don’t still care about our person.

And, when we leave a relationship not because the love is gone but because we aren’t compatible, the loneliness that we feel after can be extreme.

The nice thing about having sex with your ex instead of going out and trying to find something new is that having sex with someone you know and love is way easier. You both know each other and what each other wants, and that takes the pressure off having to be with someone unfamiliar.

#2 – Sex with an ex might make sex exciting again.

For many people, having sex with someone they are no longer in a relationship with can be really exciting.

Instead of having ‘in a relationship sex,’ there is a certain something about having sex with someone you probably shouldn’t be having sex with that can be exciting.

Sometimes sex with an ex is a secret – which is enticing. Also, because you are no longer struggling in a bad relationship but just getting together because you want to, sex is only about good, fun sex – not complicated with baggage.

I broke up with the man I loved dearly but knew I couldn’t be in a relationship with him. A few months down the road, we ran into each other and fell into bed. The sex was AMAZING. So amazing that we continued doing so for a few months until we both found other people to have relationships with.

#3 – It will keep you from falling into a new relationship for the wrong reasons.

For many people, when they find themselves lonely after a breakup, they rush into a new relationship for the wrong reasons. They are lonely and horny and don’t want to be alone, so they try to make it work with someone who might not be right for them.

If you are having sex with your ex, you are filling that lonely, horny space, at least for a little while. As a result, you won’t have to compromise with someone you don’t want to be with. And you won’t waste someone else’s time when you do.

#4 – You can reconnect with someone you care about.

I had a guy I had dated a few times. The sex was REALLY good. We pretty much just went our own ways for no specific reason.

One day I was feeling really lonely and I texted him to see if he was single and horny. He got on his bike and pedaled 108 blocks, and we had an afternoon tryst.

While the sex in itself was great, what we did afterward was very fun too. We lay there, naked and sweaty, and talked about our lives and our kids. We caught up with each other after all those months apart.

This reconnection, while fun, didn’t make us want to get back together at all, but reconnecting for that day was great!

Second, the bad reasons to have sex with an ex:

#1 – You might only bring up more pain.

Did you and your ex have a horrible break up? Did one or the other of you hurt the other deeply? Did it take you a long time to get over it?

If your relationship ended badly, having sex with your ex could only bring back the pain that you felt so deeply.

Doing something as intimate as sex with someone who hurt you can bring up things that you tried to forget, to reconnect with the pain that they made you feel. And that is not good.

Ask yourself if it would be worth it to bring back that pain, to maybe have to start at square one with your healing. If not, having sex with your ex is a bad idea.

#2 – You might be hoping to get back together, only to be rejected.

Did your ex break up with you? Did you try and try and try to make the relationship work and to try to get them back after they ended it?

Are you considering having sex with them because you are hoping that they will remember how much they love you and want you back?

Let me promise you this – if your person doesn’t want to be with you, no amount of sex will bring them back. They will appreciate the opportunity to have sex with you but will also be perfectly happy to leave when they are done.

So, don’t kid yourself – having sex with your ex won’t bring them back to you.

#3 – It will hinder you moving on to find a new person.

One of the reasons that we get back out there after we have healed from a breakup is because we don’t want to be alone.

What we want more than anything is to find someone and build a life with them and be happy.

Having sex with your ex can prevent that from happening.

Why?

Because having sex with your ex might fill that empty space that you have, and you won’t feel the need to put yourself out there. Furthermore, you might find that having sex with them makes you start having feelings for them again, feelings that might be complicated if you meet someone new.

So, if you are going to have sex with your ex, go into it knowing that doing so might keep you from finding someone from whom you can get love and sex!

#4 – Sex without love might make you just feel more alone.

I know that when I had sex with the ex who I broke up with even though I still loved him, when it was over and I went home I was often plunged into depression and loneliness.

Instead of processing and getting past the break up so I could move on, I found myself reconnected to him every time I went over there. I knew that I didn’t want to be with him, but spending time with him, laughing and being intimate, felt great. Going home to a lonely house was just not fun.

So, know that having sex with your ex just might make you feel lonelier than you do right now!

I hope now that you see that sex with your ex can be a good thing and a bad thing.

On the most basic level, before you consider having sex with an ex, ask yourself why you want to do this.

If you want to do it for the connection and the comfort, knowing that you are doing it not to get back together but to keep you from moving on too quickly, then these are good reasons that might only make you feel great.

But, if you are doing this because you are hoping to get your person back because they are the only person for you, know that having sex with them is a really bad idea, one that will only cause you more pain and loneliness.

So, take your time before you do this – make sure it’s for the right reasons!

You can do it!

18 Things To Say To A Friend Going Through A Breakup To Help Them Heal

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Knowing what to say to a friend going through a breakup can be very difficult sometimes.

Why? Because we want to support our friend and help them heal but we also want to let them know they got off easy. That, if their ex didn’t want them, good riddance.

We also might mistakenly assume that our friend wants what we would want and so we sometimes give them that and it all backfires.

There is a fine balancing act to getting what to say straight and good for you for trying to figure out how to do so so that you don’t make their pain worse.

Here are 18 things to say to a friend going through a break up.

#1 – This is not your fault.

If someone is willing to bear the responsibility of something that goes wrong, the person who has done the wrong will be willing to put it on them, thereby becoming the victim.

Remind your friend that this isn’t on them – that their ex created this situation – and that they don’t need to apologize to anyone.

#2 – You have every right to feel the way you feel.

In much of our society, emotions are taboo. We are encouraged to ‘tough it out’ or ‘suck it up.’

We definitely shouldn’t do that after a break up. Letting out emotions, whether it is anger, grief, sadness, or disbelief, is the first step to healing.

#3 – It’s ok to cry.

Crying is often looked at as a sign of weakness. How many times have you apologized to someone for crying?

Well, tell your friend to cry away. It will help them get their emotions out and will also signal to others that they are sad so they will be treated accordingly!

#4 – I am here for you.

Many people who have just been broken up with are feeling very alone. Their person is gone. Knowing that you are there for them might be exactly what they need.

#5 – Do you need me to leave?

Conversely, sometimes people just want to mourn alone, at least at the beginning. Ask your friend if they want you to stay or to go.

#6 – Just take it one day at a time.

One of the things that sabotage healing is looking too far into the future.

To think that they will always be this miserable, this alone. This hopeless.

One thing to say to a friend who is going through a breakup is to look just as far as tomorrow, instead of months down the road. Doing so makes it much easier to manage fears about what the future looks like.

#7 – Let’s eat ice cream and watch Netflix.

When my daughter was 15, she came downstairs and told me that her friend had her heart broken. She asked me what to do. I told her to tell her friend to have some ice cream.

My daughter, who had never herself had a heartbreak, said that she had already done that.

Ice cream – the ultimate comfort food. Pair it with Netflix, and it will be just what the doctor ordered.

#8 – What do you need from me?

As I said above, we often want to give people what we know that we would want in this situation. Unfortunately, that doesn’t always work because we are all different people.

Ask your friend what you can do for them. They might not know in the moment, but knowing that you are there and that you are offering to help will give them space to let you know when they do.

#9 – You are not un-loveable.

When we are broken up with, let go by someone who says they loved us, it only leads to us believing that we are un-loveable. That we will never love or be loved again because of something that is wrong with us.

Remind them that this just isn’t true. And that their ex just couldn’t see how loveable they are.

#10 – You are a rock star.

At the same time that you are reminding them that they aren’t un-loveable, remind them about how awesome they are. That they were awesome before the relationship and that they are still awesome now that it is over.

#11 – Let’s take a day off from social media.

Chances are good that if your friend is going through a break-up, they are spending a ton of time on social media, stalking their ex.

And this is the number one worse thing that they should do.

Suggest a mini vacation from social media. Give that itch that they want to scratch a chance to fade.

#12 – Let it all out.

Many of us just want to hold it all in. To not let those emotions that we are feeling out into the world. And that just doesn’t help with healing.

Encourage your person to laugh or scream or cry or punch a pillow. Whatever they need to do to let their feelings out, to prevent them from getting trapped in their body where those emotions will only fester and cause more damage.

#13- The pain will get pass.

This can be very hard for someone who is in so much pain to believe – that there will be a time that they will no longer feel it.

I would encourage you to remind your person that that day will come, and that it will come quicker than it would have if they had stayed in the relationship, feeling pain every day.

#14 – You deserve better.

This is something that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup a bit down the road in their healing – that they deserve better than their loser ex.

The reason that you say it down the road, and not right after the break-up, is because if you say it at the beginning of the healing process, they won’t believe you, and that might make them mad and maybe even push you away.

#15 – Let’s do something new.

In relationships, we tend to get stuck in patterns, doing ‘couple things.’

When we are broken up with, those patterns get broken. We are left sad on Sunday with no brunch or dinners on Friday or Christmases skiing.

One thing that I would encourage you to say to a friend going through a breakup is to try something new. On Sunday mornings – perhaps a morning hike or an early girlfriend breakfast. On Friday nights, pizza and a movie – something that will fill the empty space.

#16 – Is it time for a rebound?

This is definitely not something that you say right away because, once again, doing so might backfire.

But, when the time is right, encourage your person to get back out there. They don’t need to find a relationship, but a little rebound sex might be just the ticket.

#17 – Have hope.

When we are in the middle of a crisis, one born of a breakup especially, it’s really hard to have hope for the future. From where we sit, we can only see misery and loneliness.

But you know the truth. You know that your friend is going to be okay and that they will find love again, so tell them.

I always tell my friends that I am ‘holding space’ for them. That they might not believe but that I do!

#18 – You have survived a break up before, you will again!

I am guessing that your friend has been through heartache before, heartache that they didn’t believe, at the time, they would ever recover from. But they did and they will again. Remind them!

So, there you go, 18 things to say to a friend going through a breakup.

I would encourage you to start at the beginning of my list and work your way down. Saying some things too early could very well be counterproductive.

And remember, even if you sometimes feel like your friend doesn’t appreciate you or your efforts, know that they do, they just might not be able to say it right now.

So, go forth and support your friend. You will be glad you did!

15 Mindset Changes That Will Help You Stop Being Jealous In a Relationship

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Every day, people reach out to me, asking me how you stop being jealous in a relationship.

After all, no one wants to feel this way jealousy makes us feel insecure and unsure of ourselves and our relationship.

I wish being jealous was something that we could just let go of but doing so is often more difficult then we think.

After all, there is nothing that we can do about the ex they will always be there, lurking in the background. And there are other people in the world and our partners will interact with them, whether we want them to or not.

I do believe that the way to stop being jealous in a relationship is by changing the way that you think about the ex or other people. After all, you can’t change anyone else’s behavior but you can change your own.

To that end, here are 15 mindset changes that will help you stop being jealous in a relationship.

 

#1 – Tell yourself: He is with me now, not his ex.

This is the reality. You are the one that he chose. You are the one who has him on your arm, whose bed you share, who spends holidays with your family. The ex is in the past, and the past is the past.

#2 – Tell yourself: They are his ex for a reason.

The ex is your partner’s ex for a reason. Whether they did the breaking up or were broken up with, the relationship between your partner and their ex just didn’t work out and wasn’t working to the extent that they broke up.

#3 – Tell yourself: I am awesome.

Whether you are jealous of an ex or of the fact that your person interacts with others, it’s essential that you remember that you are awesome. That your person chose you, and has stayed with you, for a reason. That, outside of this relationship, you have an impact on the world and always will, whether you are in the relationship or not.

#4 – Ask yourself: how is this jealousy making you feel?

I am guessing that feeling jealous all of the time is making you feel bad about yourself? Instead of relishing your life and your relationship, you are constantly on edge, wondering who your person is talking to. Maybe recognizing the negative effects of this behavior will help you change your mindset and see joy instead.

#5 – Stop obsessing.

This is key. STOP spending all of your time obsessing about your jealousy. Instead of thinking about the fact that they flirted with someone else, think about the fact that they told you they loved you this morning or how amazing the sex was last night. If you can break the obsessing thoughts, you will be better able to manage your mindset and stop being jealous in a relationship.

#6 – Stop hiding it.

It is essential that you share with your partner when you are feeling jealous. Don’t do it in an attacking way – “You are an asshole because you talked to that girl in the bar†but rather “It makes me feel sad/jealous/unsure when you talk to other girls.â€

#7 – Share with a friend.

Sometimes, if you share your concerns with a friend, they can help you shed some light on why you are feeling jealous and if they think that jealousy is warranted. And they can remind you, often if needed, that your jealousy might be unreasonable.

#8 – Be grateful for what you have.

For many of us, we take for granted what we have. So many people don’t have partners and would do anything to have one. You are one of the lucky ones – in a relationship – so don’t sabotage it. Recognize that you have been chosen and relish it!

#9 – Develop coping techniques.

What can you do to manage your jealousy? Instead of obsessing about it, what would work for you to deal with it when it rears its ugly head. Can you tell yourself that you are being silly, can you distract yourself with some TV, can you do something that makes you feel good about yourself? Whatever it is that helps you manage and get through these periods of jealousy, use it!

#10 – Explore if this is because of underlying issues.

According to Shannon Chavez, a licensed psychologist, “jealousy in a relationship can help bring underlying issues to the surface.†Why are you jealous? Understanding why is a key part of learning how to stop being jealous in a relationship. Is it because you are insecure? Is it because you have been cheated on? Is it because you believe that other people are on the hunt for your partner? Is it because you know they have cheated before? Ask yourself why – if you know, you can develop skills to face them.

#11 – Do things that make you feel good.

I know that, when I get jealous, I get out into the world and do something that makes me feel good about myself. I go for a long run to feel strong. I volunteer at an animal shelter. I spend time with friends. I dig into work. I do the things that I need to do to feel great in the world and to remind myself that I am just fine on my own.

#12 – Recognize the jealousy might be all in your head.

This is a tough pill to swallow but sometimes jealousy can be all in your head. In these days of social media, it’s easy to stalk to see if your partner is interacting with someone else but it’s also easy to find whatever information you need to justify your feelings, even if you are wrong.

#13 – Ask yourself: Are my needs being met?

Perhaps one of the reasons that you are feeling jealous is because your needs aren’t being met in the relationship. Maybe you feel like they aren’t as into you or that they don’t hug you enough or tell you how beautiful you are. And because your needs aren’t being met, it’s easy to look outside the relationship for the blame instead of looking at the truth of what’s really going on.

#14 – Write it out.

According to Katie Conibear, a mental health blogger, writing things out “helps you to view them from a new, healthier perspective.†If you are feeling jealous in your relations, get yourself a journal and write it out. Maybe seeing your thoughts on paper will help you push back on them or see them more clearly.

#15 – Establish realistic expectations.

There are other people in the world who your partner will interact with. There are exes that you can’t do anything about. Is it really possible for you to insist that your partner never speaks to another person of the opposite sex or that they stop following an ex on social media? Probably not. And if your expectations of them are too high, you won’t be able to control your jealousy and you might even lose the relationship.

Changing your mindset is an excellent way to stop being jealous in a relationship.

You can’t change someone else, but you can change how you react to their behavior. So, try these 15 things and see if they help you manage your jealousy and help you create and keep the relationship that you have always wanted.

If you find that you can’t change your mindset, I would encourage you to reach out to a therapist or life coach for help. It’s time to learn how to manage your tendency for jealousy so that it doesn’t destroy this relationship or another one down the road.

You can do it!

5 Super Effective Ways To Stop Stalking Your Ex on Social Media Because It’s Really Bad For You

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5 Super Effective Ways To Stop Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

Did you know that stalking your ex on social media is the number one thing that will prevent you from getting over them?

Why? Because going ‘no contact ‘is the thing that we need to do to move on. Stalking does not lead to ‘no contact’.

In the old days, when we broke up with someone, life went on. Maybe we ran into them occasionally and we tried to get info from their friends about their new lives but, really, we had no idea what their lives post-us was like.

This lack of information helped us move on, to get over the pain and find new love again.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen anymore. When we break up, social media is something that we use, and use often, to check up on our exes.

We look online to see if they look happy. To see if they look like they are having fun without us. To see if they are with someone new. We just want a little taste of this person who we once loved.

But this is not ok. It only prevents us from moving forward.

To that end, here are 5 very effective ways to stop stalking your ex on social media so that you can actually recover from this break up and move on to find new love again!

#1 – Block them.

This is the most important and most obvious way to stop yourself from stalking your ex on social media.

I always advise my clients to cut off all communication with their ex. This means blocking their contact information and any connection they have on social media.

Why? Because every contact you have with an ex takes you back to day one of your healing process. Getting over a break up is a matter of time and the longer you aren’t in contact with them, the better it is.

But its hard to understand this when you are freshly broken up with and you want to do anything to ease the pain. Therefore, the desire to stalk them is almost irresistible.

And most of us have a difficult time resisting temptation.

So, I would encourage you to block your ex everywhere. To unfollow them on Insta, unfriend them on Facebook and do whatever you have to do to disconnect on TikTok and Twitter.

I know its hard to do –  most of my clients just can’t –  at least not right away. But, if you can dig deep and find the strength to cut them off, know that you are one big step closer to getting over the break up and moving on!

#2 – Limit your time online.

Do you look at your phone first thing when you get out of bed in the morning? Do you scroll during coffee? And then again when you are on the train? And then again at lunch, before you go to the gym, as you have a glass of wine at night, maybe even into the wee hours, not getting the sleep you need?

You are not alone. As we all know, most people are online for a significant part of the day.

I would encourage you, if you want to stop stalking your ex on social media, to stop being on your phone so much.

The first step to doing this is to stop picking up your phone first thing in the morning. When you do, you set off a dopamine rush in your brain, getting it primed for wanting more during the day. And so you will be on your phone constantly, feeding that need.

Instead of rolling over and picking up your phone, get out of bed and do something else.

Another way to limit time on your phone is to schedule other things to do instead.

Perhaps you get a good book to read on the train. Have lunch with a friend. Spend more time at the gym. Whatever you need to do to keep you away from your phone, focused on other things, not stalking your ex.

#3 – Find other topics to dig into.

If you can’t limit time on your phone, I would encourage you to find other topics than your ex to dig into. Other things that can release that dopamine without needing to get it from stalking your ex.

What interests you? Celebrity life? Reality TV? Cooking? Gardening? Search for interesting posts about these topics instead of your ex.

Even better, find something to dig into that you have never dug into before.

I know that, during a break up, I dug into traveling. I spent hours online looking at places I wanted to travel and figuring out how to get there. It was incredibly diverting and kept my mind off my ex.

Even better, my scrolling led me to trips to Peru, the Grand Canyon, Mexico, and beyond. I can promise you that those trips helped me get past my ex in a big way.

Of course, if you are on your phone it might be hard not to toggle away and look at what your ex is up to but, with the more diverting topic, hopefully that won’t be something you even think of doing.

#4 – Recognize how you feel when you see things.

I have a client who just can’t stop stalking her ex on social media. She spends hours each day, trying to trace his steps, to see what he has been doing, to gather every piece of information that she can about him.

She can’t help herself and it is making her miserable.

Why? Because every time she finds out something about him or sees a picture of him, it makes her feel pain.

She feels the pain of loss, of being left behind, of not being good enough, of being so pathetic that she is even stalking.

She stalks because she believes that it will help her ease her pain but it actually makes it worse.

I have an ex who I unfriended 6 years ago when we broke up. I almost never think of him. A few weeks back, a friend forwarded a photo of him and his new girlfriend, figuring that it wouldn’t bother me anymore.

Well, it did. The pain that I felt seeing that photo, even after 6 years and me being newly engaged, was horrible. I spent most of the day thinking about him and everything that went wrong in the relationship. It was not good.

So, how do you feel when you find some information about your ex on social media?

I am guessing not very good!

#5- Get yourself some digital help.

Sometimes we just have to fight technology with technology.

We so want to be able to control our behaviors but our phones and their apps are incredibly addicting. Staying away from them can be as hard as giving up ice cream or beer.

The easiest way to stay away from ice cream and beer is to not have access to them. So too, if you can’t stay away from it, not having access to your phone is key to doing so.

There are some apps that you can get, such as Bark and Freedom, that will help you block your apps for a period of time so that you don’t get lured by the call of your phone to stalk.

You can also get a phone safe where you can store your phone so its not easy to reach. Many of them have timers. You set how long you want your phone to be inaccessible and until the alarm goes off, you won’t be able to open the safe.

Again, we are super addicted to our phones and, ironically, as a result, technology is advancing that will help us break that addiction.

Find something that works for you because stalking your ex on social media is only holding you back from the happiness that you desire.

I hope that you now have a sense of what you can do to stop stalking your ex on social media.

I know that you are in an incredibly amount of pain right now and that the idea of not being able to see your ex is more than you can bear.

But I am also guessing that the pain that you feel when you see them might even be worse.

So, block your ex wherever you need to. Limit your time online but, if you can’t do that, find other topics that interest you. Fill your days with things to do that will keep your phone in your pocket. Use technology to help keep you from doing this thing that is only holding you back.

Most importantly, try to take stock of how seeing them on social media makes you feel. I am guessing you feel nothing but pain, maybe even worse pain than the break-up pain.

Hopefully, if you recognize that stalking only makes you feel worse, you will ultimately stop doing so!

I know this seems hard, but you can do it!

I know you can!

 

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed Even if it Doesn’t Seem Like it Would Be

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I know that it might go against everything that you believe in to think that it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed.

After all, you care about them and hate seeing them suffer. And popular opinion is that we should stand by the side of a partner who needs us.

And, yes, I do believe that this is true, but I also believe that there are exceptions to the rule.

To be clear, I don’t believe we should walk out on a partner at the first sign of depression. I do believe that supporting them can be incredibly helpful. But there can come the point where that depression has a detrimental effect on your life, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

And when this happens, it’s time to consider if you should walk away.

Let me share 5 reasons why it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed so that you can understand why walking away might be the best thing to do for everyone involved.

#1 – You can’t fix them.

The number one reason that I hear about why people believe that it’s not okay to break up with someone who is depressed is because the partner believes that they can fix their depressed person.

That, if they try hard enough, they will be able to bring their partner out of their funk and that they can both be happy.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. It’s hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to understand this but it is a fact. Only the struggling person can fix themselves and get out of their depression.

I have a friend whose boyfriend loves her madly, and she loves him back. She struggles with some pretty dark depression, and he tries to fix it when she is there.

He tries to remind her how great her life is. He points out all the friends and family who love her. He drags her out of the house, assuring her that if they stay busy, her depression will pass.

And what happens when he tries to fix her? Her depression worsens. And she gets frustrated having him around.

So, if you can’t let go of your need to fix your depressed partner, know that having you around isn’t helping them get better.

#2 – You are becoming co-dependent.

One of the hardest things about managing being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is that there is a tendency for co-dependency.

Co-dependency is defined ‘as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.’

Co-dependency is not a good thing, for an individual or a couple.

When one person in a relationship is depressed, co-dependency can often develop over time.

The person who is depressed increasingly relies on their partner to support them while they are struggling. They might need them to take over the work that they usually do. They might not get out of bed for weeks at a time, leaving their partner alone doing things they might do as a couple. They might look to them to make them happy, even for a moment.

The person who is not depressed often loses themselves trying to help their person manage their depression. They might overcompensate for their partner’s depression, always pretending to be cheery at the expense of their own mental well-being. They might let go of friends and family in the hopes that their partner’s depression is not put out in the open. Their work might suffer as they try to take care of someone who won’t help themselves.

As time goes on, what started as an effort to support their loved ones, a co-dependent relationship, can become a toxic one, one that sucks all of the oxygen out of the relationship, leaving both people depleted.

So, if you find that you are overcompensating to support your partner when they are depressed, you aren’t helping either one of you.

#3 – You need to take care of yourself.

You know those words of caution that you always hear from a flight attendant – put your oxygen mask on before helping others? That is something that someone whose partner is living with depression often forgets to do.

Much like becoming co-dependent in a relationship, someone in a relationship with someone who is depressed might put their needs on the back burner.

They might try to fix their person, to no avail, making them feel like losers and bad partners. They might abandon their hobbies so they don’t leave their partner alone. They might be willing to let go of intimacy and laughter for the sake of their person.

And doing those things does not make a happy person.

You have only one life to live. If you are living with a person struggling with depression and won’t help themselves, it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself.

If you aren’t doing well, you won’t be any help to your personal and might even make things worse because of your low self-esteem. And being miserable in a relationship is no way to be.

So, if you find yourself miserable and losing yourself, know that to save yourself, it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

#4 – You are making things worse for them.

Above, I spoke about how you standing by your person when they are struggling with depression can be worse for them.

As you try to fix them, you might be making things more complicated for them to manage.

They might watch you lose yourself because of the depression, which will make them feel even worse about themselves, sad that they are letting you down.

They might not seek help because they don’t want you to see them be weak.

They won’t be forced to get out of bed and take care of themselves because you are doing it for them and that will only allow them to sink further into their despair.

So, be honest with yourself. Does staying in this relationship really help your partner or is your staying something that might only be making things worse?

#5 – They are more likely to seek help.

Many people who are depressed have a hard time seeking help.

For some, they don’t see their depression. Others, they believe that they can just push through it. For others still, because their partner supports them, they don’t believe that they need to get help.

When their partner leaves, everything changes. When they are alone with their feelings, having to take care of themselves, people with depression are often forced to face the reality of what is happening in their lives.

And this can force them to get help.

I know that, when I got divorced, I was left alone by my ex-husband and the depression that I had struggled with for years got worse. He was gone, and I was left alone with my demons. And I realized that everything that I had tried to do for years to manage my depression just wasn’t working.

What happened? I saw that I needed to fix things if I wanted to survive this divorce. So, I set out to do so.

If my husband hadn’t left, if our lives continued on as normal with me barely hanging on and him desperate watching me sink, I never would have been forced to face my issues and work through them.

Today, 12 years after my divorce, I am well acquainted with my depression and know how to manage it. I know that my husband leaving me was the catalyst for my newfound skills.

So, know that leaving your depressed partner might be the best thing that you could ever do for them.

There you are, 5 reasons why it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

Again, I know that it’s heartbreaking to consider letting go. That you love this person and that you want to help them work through this.

But know that sometimes your presence can make things worse for them and that you can lose yourself. That your best intentions are toxic for everyone.

So, consider your role in your relationship. Are you helping your person or are your efforts to fix things counterproductive? Are you becoming co-dependent and losing yourself in the relationship? Is your person not seeking help because of your support?

All of those things, especially combined, are a recipe for disaster, and walking away might be the best, most noble thing that you can do!

 

5 Expectations that Women Have of Men that Can Destroy their Relationships

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One of the most consistent elements of my life coaching is hearing about the expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

I hear from women who have these sky-high expectations for their men, and when they aren’t met, they are devastated. And they treat their men horribly as a result.

And the relationship fails, which nobody wants.

Let me share with you expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationship.

Knowing them is very important so that you can understand how you might be able to shift your expectations and keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#1 – That men know what they are thinking.

I think a baseline cause of why women might have certain expectations of their men is because of their women friends.

I think their expectations of their men are borne from aspects that naturally occur in their female friendships. And this tendency can be very destructive.

Why? Because women are women and men are men, and their skill sets are very different.

How many times has a friend looked at you and known exactly what you are thinking? How many times have they, because they know what you are thinking, given you exactly what you need now?

How often have you been so thankful that they are your friend because they can do that?

Now, is having your husband be able to do the same thing an expectation that you have? Do you believe that they should be able to look at you and know what you are thinking?

Well, I am afraid that if this is something that you expect, you will be sorely disappointed.

One of the magical things about women is that we are intuitive and we have been practicing these skills our whole lives. Men aren’t usually as intuitive or intuitive at all, and, as a result, they can’t be mind-readers.

As much as they want to do it because they know it makes their partners happy, it can be virtually impossible for them to do so. And expecting them to do so will only let you both down.

So, know that your man most likely can’t read your mind. If you need something from him, ask him. I know that he would be happy to do whatever you want him to do if you tell him what it is!

#2 – That men anticipate their needs.

This one is very similar to men being able to read our minds. Much like in our friendships, we want the men in our lives to anticipate our needs. To know what we need and make it happen.

We want the men in our lives to reflect back on what we have needed in a similar moment in the past and act accordingly.

We want to believe that the men in our lives should know us well enough to know what we might need, and because they know us so well, they can act on it.

Unfortunately, much like mind reading, men aren’t great at anticipating their partners’ needs.

Men tend to live in the moment, so asking them to harken back to previous behavior can be futile.

I know that, with my ex-husband, I needed him to be home in time for dinner. I told him that regularly and he had a 70% success rate at doing what I needed.

And then, I stopped telling him. I felt he should know what I needed because I had told him many times. I felt like my reminding him was treating him like a child.

Unfortunately, without me reminding him, my husband’s get home from work on time success rate fell to 40%.

Instead of relying on past experience and anticipating my needs, he figured my needs had changed and acted accordingly.

To be clear, I know that men would give anything to be able to anticipate our needs, but I know that this isn’t often a skill that they have developed over the course of their lifetime and that they just aren’t good at it.

So, know that men being able to anticipate your needs is an expectation that women have of men that can destroy a relationship. Again, if you need something from them, tell them. That is an expectation you can have of your man that if you ask him to do something and he agrees to do it, he will.

#3 – That men must do things the way they do.

I hear a lot from women who have kids, who work and shop and drive and cook and clean and do all of the other mundane things that must be done.

And women are generally pretty bad at asking for help to get these things done, usually because if they ask their man to help, and he agrees, he doesn’t do it the way they want it to be done.

“No matter if the outcome of the request was a positive one,” I often hear women tell me that it wasn’t done the way they wanted, so they won’t ask their husbands to help again.

“If it were me, I would do it this way” is something I hear from clients and friends over and over and over.

Because we see a certain way of doing things and believe that those actions would meet the proper ends efficiently and effectively, when we see someone else doing things differently, we get extremely frustrated, especially when it’s our partners.

And when we get extremely frustrated with our partners, we get angry, resentful, and rude, and that is not part of the recipe for a happy relationship.

So, know that expecting your man, or anyone, to do things as you believe they should be done is futile. We all do things our own way, and those ways work for us!

#4 – That men’s actions should be born of love.

“If he loved me, he would.” This is another thing that I hear all the time.

A client of mine was very frustrated because she wanted her husband to look at some windows they needed for their house renovation. They agreed he would stop at the store on his way home.

And, unfortunately, he forgot. He was distracted by work and life, and he just forgot.

How did my client react? She took it very personally. She believed that his inaction around the windows was directly related to how much he loved her.

And she told him that. And he was stunned because he loved her madly and he had just forgotten to stop and look at the windows.

For many women, every action they take for their partners is born of love. Women are natural caregivers, and we look at what our men want and need and move heaven and earth to get those things done. Why do we do this? Because we love them.

If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would admit that if we didn’t get these things done, it wasn’t because we loved our men less. Something would get in the way and wouldn’t get done. And our men don’t take it personally.

But, this expectation that women have of men can destroy a relationship because she doesn’t feel that way about her man she truly believes that, if he loved her, he would read her mind, anticipate her needs and do things the way that she wants them done.

#5 – That men will always be there, no matter what.

Unfortunately, when women’s expectations aren’t met, we often don’t react very well.

I know that when my ex-husband didn’t do things the way I wanted him to, I would treat him very badly.

I would berate him for not doing what I wanted or give him silent treatment. I would be crabby with him and snap easily. I would withdraw from his touch. I would treat him like a child and be very contemptuous.

It never occurred to me that if I continued to behave this way, he would eventually get sick of me and leave. And, ultimately, he did.

He told me when he was walking out that he was sick of not being seen by me. Of me not approving of the way that he did things. Of me refusing to touch him or have sex with him. Of the long silences that happened when he let me down.

In retrospect, it was all obvious to me that the way I behaved was terrible, but because my expectations were so high and he was continually letting me down, I thought I was justified at the time.

But I know now that expecting a husband or boyfriend who is treated badly by their partner to stay is silly. They have the right to walk away anytime; if pushed far enough, they will.

So, there you go, 5 expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

The critical piece is how women treat their men when they let them down. Instead of talking to them and letting their men know how they feel, they shut down.

And shutting down does nothing but keep the whole cycle of letdown and anger repeating itself, over and over.

If you can make an effort to recognize that your man won’t behave like you or your friends, if you can modify your expectations to something that you know will work for both of you, you will be way more likely to keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

What Makes a Power Couple? 5 Ways to Know So You Can Be One Too

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Every couple I know would like to know what makes a power couple.

We look at celebrity couples like Michelle and Barack Obama, , Beyonce and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry, and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (to name a few) and want more than anything for our relationship to be like theirs.

We want love, stability, success, commitment, and power.

We want to be a couple that we can be proud of and one that everyone else admires.

We want a relationship that will withstand time and overcome all obstacles.

Namely, we want to be part of a power couple!

Would you like to know what makes a power couple?

Learn the traits that make a power couple a power couple so that you and your partner can strive to be everything that you want to be?

Let me share them with you now so you can move forward deliberately and make it happen.

#1 – They prioritize each other.

One of the most important traits that make a powerful couple is prioritizing each other.

In this crazy world, with work, kids, families, and life all getting in the way, its easy for couples to lose sight of each other.

Power couples, especially, are busy conquering the world, and instead of letting their work get in the way of their relationship, they make it a part of their success story.

Take Megan and Harry, for example. When they got married, from day one, they struggled. The Royal Family, the media, and much of the country seemed to be betting against them.

Harry was used to this way of royal lifee he had lived it all of his life. And royal life had been the only thing that he had known. While he struggled with it sometimes, he was devoted to his family and country. Until that is, they started messing with his wife.

As we all know, Harry chose Megan. When he noticed that she was struggling, he stood up for her and turned away from everything he had ever known so that she would be safe and their relationship intact.

Now, look at them safely ensconced in Santa Barbara, raising a family in a healthy way and taking on the world. He prioritized her. She trusted him. Now they are living happily ever after.

So, if you want to know what makes a power couple, prioritization is key!

#2 – They don’t take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, many relationships fall apart because couples take each other for granted.

They assume their person will always be there for them until they are suddenly not.

When I was married, we were a bit of a power couple. My ex-husband had a high-level job at a world-known company. I was on fire as a real estate agent. We traveled the world, lived in Tokyo and did things other people only dreamed about doing.

I can’t tell you how many times someone told me that they wished they had the life that we had.

And we did have a good life. But, as life went on, we took each other for granted.

We were both so busy that we never made time for each other. We sometimes treated each other disrespectfully because we assumed we would always be there. We stopped putting our relationship first.

As a result, we gradually grew apart. As we did, our power faded. Not being so well connected as a couple sapped the energy out of our relationship, leaving us just another couple, soon to be divorced.

If you want to be part of a powerful couple, never take each other for granted.

#3 – “ No topic is off-limits.

In literally every pursuit in the world, communication is the key to its success in every pursuit in the world. Having an open dialogue about what is going on around us is how we make a change and move forward.

And when communication falters, so does success.

Imagine two high-level executives at a Fortune 500 company. Imagine if, as they made plans for their business to grow and flourish, they could not talk about it.

Imagine if they found that if they tried to share their goals, the others would only mock them.

Imagine if they hid things from each other, trying to protect the other.

Can you imagine these executives not running this company into the ground because they couldn’t talk about important things?

So it is with a power couple.

A powerful couple can talk about anything and everything. They will be able to talk and know that they will be heard. They will be willing to truly listen and not just think about what they will say next. They will work together through issues. They will be able to resolve things and move forward decisively.

Can you and your partner communicate about everything? Do voices sometimes get raised, but are you generally able to work through things and move on, never holding grudges or being passive-aggressive?

If the answer to this question is yes, you could be part of a power couple!

#4- They share the same goals.

Every power couple shares the same goals and works together to reach them.

I am not saying they need to have the same goals, but they do need complementary goals like reaching a certain career benchmark or wanting to accomplish something big. Or raising a healthy, stable family.

What can’t happen is one of them sitting quietly on the sidelines, watching the other person have all of the successes.

Back to Megan and Harry. They seem to have very complementary goals.

They are both activists who travel the world, making a difference.

They are parents who prioritize the mental health of their kids.

They strive to be financially independent.

They want to live their own lives.

And they do these things.

While I know they are activists for different causes, they both support and believe in each other’s work. They work side by side, teaching their children to be strong despite their difficult childhoods. They are living the way they want to live and doing an excellent job of working together to be financially independent.

Do you and your partner share similar goals? Do you support each other with those goals and stand beside each other every step of the way?

If yes, then you and your person are most likely a power couple, one that might even change the world.

#5 – They give each other space.

In every couple, there are two people. Two distinct people had separate lives before they came together as one.

Unfortunately, when couples form, sometimes their individuality disappears, and they become less of who they are as a person. They are not worse people, but they might lose touch with themselves.

Giving each other space and letting each other be individuals is one of the key traits that make a power couple!

I remember when Barack Obama was president. Watching him and Michelle navigate their lives in the White House was fascinating.

They were both important people with big jobs, taking care of the country and advocating for better lives for everyone. We often saw them with their children or on a date, a truly happy couple who enjoyed being together.

What I remember even more is the freedom they gave each other. Michelle used to travel the country, following her passions. She took her kids on trips to places she wanted to share with them. He was able to escape the Oval Office to play golf or basketball.

They gave each other space to be who they were as individuals. And that made them a power couple.

Power couples can use up a lot of energy when they are in the same room. Giving each other the freedom to go off on their own to recharge their batteries only makes them stronger when they get back together.

I hope after reading this article you know understand more about what makes a power couple.

Today, Barack and Michelle Obama have one of the most respected relationships in the world and that’s not because they are glued to each other’s sides daily.

Being like Beyonce and Jay Z or Ben and Jennifer might not be what you want for your relationship. It does seem like a lot of work to be them.

But, even if you want a simple life, you can still be a powerful couple. You can still prioritize each other every day. You can never take each other for granted. You can listen and know you will be heard. You can share the same goals for your future and give each other space.

Doing so will make you the power couple in your family and community. You can bring positivity everywhere and make a big difference in your little universe.

And as a result, your relationship will stay strong and you, too, can get the happily ever after you have always wanted!

5 Reasons Boundaries Are Important For Healing After A Break Up So That You Can Move On

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If there is one thing that I always tell my clients, it’s that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So many people go into a breakup feeling nothing but overwhelmed and devastated. They aren’t thinking clearly and, as a result, make many mistakes. Mistakes can cause them a lot of embarrassment and prolong the path to healing necessary to move on.

Like setting goals for a work project, setting boundaries is the key to getting through your breakup and going on with your life quickly, with minimal pain.

What kind of boundaries am I talking about? Name a few:

Figuring out how/when/if you will contact each other for any reason.

If there is a social group to deal with, figure out who will see whom.

Figuring out what social media interactions you will have.

Whatever it is that you need to let go and start healing.

Let me share with you why boundaries are important for healing after a break up so that you can understand and begin to heal.

#1 – Setting your intentions.

By setting boundaries, you set your intentions to get over this break-up and move on.

Think about where you are now. You are devastated if you were broken up with and, most likely, sad if you did the breaking up.

The life you had even a few days ago is completely gone, and you feel unsure about the future.

If you can set boundaries around how you will work through the breakup, you are setting intentions. You are telling yourself, and your ex, that you need certain things to move forward. These boundaries and intentions will help you set guard rails that will keep you from straying off your path toward healing.

Think about how you feel right now, like you want to reach out to them, stalk them on social media, seek closure, or ask their friends about what is happening. None of these things are healthy if you have broken up with them. And if you did the breaking up, reaching out to them to ensure they are okay won’t be helpful either.

If you can set boundaries that will define how you will move forward to get over the breakup, you will be way less likely to do things that won’t help you heal but might even hinder it.

#2 – Making things clear on both sides.

I have a client whose husband just told her, out of the blue, that he wants a divorce. She is devastated.

Ever since he asked for the divorce about a week ago, he has been hounding her about getting lawyers and figuring out the divorce details. He comes over whenever he wants to and sometimes spends the night.

The two things are so contradictory, and it only makes her more and more upset.

One of the biggest issues during breakups is that one person thinks one thing, and the other thinks another.

My client wants her marriage to get together and knows he doesn’t. She is working on accepting that. The pain of seeing him is setting her back. I encouraged her to tell her husband she needed time and space. That if he wanted to come over, he had to notify her. If he gives her time to process what is happening, she will be willing to start discussing divorce details.

Her husband was open to doing what she asked because he knew it would make the divorce happen, which is his ultimate goal. And he needed to see clearly that what he was doing by visiting was not ok, something he had just assumed he could do because that is what he had always done.

#3 – Creating new habits.

With a breakup comes a huge lifestyle change.

When coupled up, our lives often revolve around our partners and what we do together.

Whether it’s a morning walk, a regular lunch date, Monday night TV, or Christmases with family, with a breakup, all those things are thrown asunder.

What exactly are you going to do to fill that free time?

Setting boundaries is the first step towards filling that time.

Both parties must be clear that things are going to change. I know that, for one of my clients, her partner wanted her to continue to have lunch with him so that they could ‘just be friends.’ She didn’t want to be friends and wanted to have lunch with her friends now that she was single again, knowing that seeing her ex would be upsetting.

Another had her ex-husband come over for dinner nightly so the kids wouldn’t be upset at the change. It was devastating for him to do that as, every night after he left, he was devastated that he had to do so.

So, one of the reasons that boundaries are important for healing after a break up is because it allows people to draw a line in the sand that won’t be crossed so that they can start rebuilding their life post break up.

#4 – Holding yourself accountable.

Think about your gym routine. Is it fairly vague? Do you wait until after work to figure out if you are going to go or not, or do you make a plan on Sunday for what days you are going to go that week?

And which way of deciding when to go to the gym works best for you?

I am guessing that when you define a plan for your workouts, instead of playing it by ear, you are more likely to get to the gym as much as you want to.

So does setting boundaries with your ex set you up for success? Why? Because when we define what we want, instead of just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, we can more easily hold ourselves accountable for succeeding.

Let’s say you and your ex decide that you will make an effort not to cross paths, whether at the gym, a bar, or a soccer game. If you both try to make that happen without a plan, it most likely won’t happen. But, if you set a boundary to reach this goal, you will likely succeed.

Perhaps you decide they will only go to the bar on Fridays and leave Saturdays to you. Or to the gym at 5 instead of 6. Or just the Saturday soccer game, but not the Sunday one.

Knowing the plan will make you way more likely to succeed at reaching your goal.

#5 – Planning for the future.

Now that you are no longer part of a couple, it’s time to start looking toward the future.

And you can’t do that if you are still in a holding pattern with your ex.

Setting boundaries will help you look toward the future to see what is next for you.

I know that my client’s husband, who is asking for a divorce, wants to define a timeline for the divorce to make a plan moving forward.

And that is fair. Just like she has the right to define a boundary to give her space, he is allowed to ask for a boundary as to when they will start talking about it. That way, he can look ahead and plan what he needs to do.

A big part of getting past a breakup is to look to the future. Getting mired in the past will only hold you back from healing. That you can set a boundary that will help you look forward, not back, is one reason that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So now you can see why setting boundaries is important for healing after a break up.

This is a painful time, and thinking logically might be difficult. But I would encourage you to try to do so.

If you can work with your ex to set boundaries, it will provide clarity and accountability and set you up for a future full of love and happiness!

Save Your Love: How To Fix A Toxic Relationship

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So many of my clients initially come to me to learn how to fix a toxic relationship and being happy again. Is it even possible?

And my response? YES!

That being said, it’s not easy and takes some determination on both sides.

But many couples who once loved each other have done the hard work and found their way back to each other, often times happier than ever.

So, how is it possible to fix a toxic relationship and be happy again? Let me share.

#1 – Make sure that everyone is on board.

Many of my clients tell me that they aren’t quitters. That they will never give up their efforts to fix their toxic relationship.

And I say that’s great, BUT there is no reason to keep fighting if your partner isn’t on board 100%.

Imagine any sporting event baseball, football, tennis, golf. Imagine that one of you is out there, excited to play, working hard to play well and eager for the outcome. Imagine if the other team, or the other player, has no interest in playing. They stand around bored and unengaged. They put no effort into their play. They have no attachment at all to the outcome.

Would you find that situation enjoyable? Would it be something that you wanted to repeat? Would it help you develop your skills? Would you be frustrated that your partner didn’t care?

So it is in a relationship. If one person is all in, fighting every day to fix the toxic relationship, reading books, watching TikTok, taking seminars, coming up with activities, and the other person does not care, the relationship fixing will get exactly nowhere.

Before fixing your relationship, talk with your partner to see if they are all in. To see if they want your relationship to be fixed and if they are willing to do the work to get there.

If they don’t, fixing a toxic relationship won’t be possible, and it will be time to walk away!

#2 – Make a list.

Now that you know that your partner is interested in fixing your toxic relationship, it is time to talk about what is wrong.

With many couples, the things they struggle with can be dramatically different. Understanding what each other is struggling with is key to fixing the relationship.

I know that when I was married, what my ex and I struggled with were dramatically different.

I struggled with him not being present in our family’s life. I struggled with his alcohol drinking and his quick temper. I struggled with feeling like he didn’t see me. I struggled with his inability to follow through on a promise.

For him, I think he struggled with me ignoring him. With me not respecting him. With me not wanting to have sex. With the limitations on his free time, that was the result of our busy family.

As a result, when we tried to fix our toxic relationship, we were coming at it from such a different place that we could not make any progress, and every time we tried, we eventually gave up.

I suggest that my clients set a time with their partner to discuss what they need from the marriage. They know that the discussion might be painful but that they both be willing to make themselves vulnerable for the sake of the relationship.

Each partner can take the time beforehand to assess what they need to be happy, which can be shared during the meeting. Shared without judgement or blame, just shared.

Once the partners come to a mutual understanding of what the other is dealing with then, the healing process can begin.

#3 – Make a list of things that need to change.

We tend to want to fix everything simultaneously when presented with the need to fix something. And that can often fail.

Think about your New Year’s Resolution to get healthy, eat better, get in shape, and be kinder.

Wow! That seems pretty daunting to me! And, more often than not, something like that is daunting to the resolution setter, and, as a result, they ultimately give up.

What if, instead of the goal to be healthy,we start small. Perhaps it is drinking only three times a week. Or getting to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. Or being more patient with your sister.

One small thing at which you can have success.

Once you accomplish that one thing, you will feel good about yourself and more motivated to take on the next. As time passes and you succeed at each thing, you might ultimately find that you have kept your New Year’s resolution.

This idea works with a relationship that needs to be fixed. Starting small might make it possible to fix it.

I always encourage each person to choose one thing”—one thing that, if it is different, it will have the biggest effect. Once you know those things, you can discuss what would work to change them.

If my ex could have followed through on what he said he would do, that would have helped me a lot in my desire to fix our relationship.

If I had been clear with him that it was an issue and we had discussed what he could do to make change, he would been given the tools that he needed to help me with this issue.

If he had done the same for me, I would have had clarity around what he needed from me.

Instead of trying to be “happier, we could have strived to fix one small part of the relationship that made us miserable.

I wish we had done that then – we might still be married now if we had!

#4 – Set benchmarks.

The is one of the essential tools that make it possible to fix a toxic relationship”—setting benchmarks around the work that you are doing.

The definition of benchmark serves as a standard by which others may be measured or judged. It is the point at which you evaluate the efficacy of a process.

In trying to fix a relationship, I always encourage couples to give themselves a timeline. To establish a date, or series of dates, on which they will come back together and discuss the progress that they are making.

Many couples get together and figure out what needs to be fixed and then set out to fix it. And then, life gets in the way, and their efforts stop despite their best intentions. And then those same problems rear their ugly heads again.

To prevent this from happening, I encourage couples to define a time to come back together to assess their work status. To evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Or to discuss that all efforts seem to have ceased.

By doing this, they will hold themselves accountable for the work they promised to do and, hopefully, set themselves up for success.

#5 – Get support.

I know that the idea of marriage counseling is abhorrent to many people.

Women often feel like their partners aren’t fully involved, and men often feel like therapy involves a litany of everything they have ever done wrong over their relationship.

I would argue that marriage counseling can be different and more effective.

If couples can work together ahead of time to identify the issues (as I encouraged in #2) and then bring these lists to the counselor, they will have a starting point that is not about what everyone is doing wrong but rather about what needs to be fixed.

Working with a counselor, or a life coach, will help teach people the skills to do what you want. To understand how to successfully reach the benchmarks set for each item.

We all would like to be born with the skills needed to fix a relationship, but sometimes, we aren’t. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it. Sometimes we don’t understand what or how, something needs to be done. Sometimes just a little bit of guidance can make a big difference!

So, to make it possible to fix a toxic relationship, sometimes support is precisely what you need.

I hope you now see that it is possible to fix a toxic relationship and understand some of the steps you can take to do so.

I know that the prospect of doing the work to fix the relationship might be daunting, but I am also guessing that, if you are reading this article, it is something that you want to do.

So, talk to your person. Get an understanding of whether they are all in. Make a list of what needs to be fixed and choose to address one thing. Set benchmarks for the work, so you do not lose sight of what needs to be done, and get support if needed.

Remember, thousands of couples fix their toxic relationship every day.

You can too!

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