Tag Archive for: anger

3 Things To Do RIGHT NOW If You Are Depressed and Angry

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You are depressed and angry and you are scared.

Scared because you don ‘ t know why you are feeling this way. Scared because these are feelings that you can ‘ t seem to control. Scared because you don ‘ t know if the feelings will ever go away.

Depression and anger are scary things to manage but there are ways to do so. Here are what I believe to be the 3 most important things to do first.

#1 – Get to know your feelings.

Depression and anger are both feelings that most of us are familiar with but these feelings can appear in a variety of ways.

At one time or another we find ourselves sad or mad after something happens to us. I was really sad that I lost my mom ‘ s necklace and very mad later in the day because someone cut me off on the highway. Both of those emotions were warranted because those are things that would make any of us sad or mad.

Sometimes sadness and anger go together. My client ‘ s cat died and she was really sad but she was angry too because the cat was hit by a car. In this case, both emotions showed up and once again they were warranted because the circumstances around her cat ‘ s untimely death were both sad and frustrating.

And then, sometimes, depression and anger occur together, for a certain period of time, and nothing has happened to cause them.

I have a client who regularly suffers from depression, caused by a chemical imbalance that she chooses not to treat. As a result, she is often depressed and because she is depressed she can be lethargic, she has little interest in doing things or being with friends, she has gained weight and her productivity is WAY down.

And, as a result, she is pissed. Angry all the time that her life is a mess, that the world is out to get her and that none of it is her fault.

Get to know your depression and anger. Is it sadness and anger brought on by circumstance? Or perhaps the two are present together for logical reasons? If either of these situations are the case then most likely those emotions will pass.

If your depression and anger are more of a constant for you, something that is present in spite of circumstance, then further action is warranted.

Read on.

#2 – Tell someone who loves you what is going on.

If you are struggling with regular depression and anger then it ‘ s time to tell someone else what is going on.

Many people who suffer from depression and anger keep it to themselves. Many of them have isolated themselves from others or have been pushed away by the people they mistreat. They often don ‘ t realize how deep their feelings have become and have no idea what to do about them.

So, if you feel like you have been depressed and are angry, tell someone who loves you what is happening. Telling them how you are feeling and that you need some help.

I have a friend who is my person. He watches my emotions for me because sometimes when I get depressed I just don ‘ t see it happening. Suddenly I find myself lethargic and cranky and I don ‘ t know why. My friend Duncan is the guy who is paying attention for me and who will call me on it if he sees my moods change.

If you are depressed and angry find someone who loves you and share your burden. They will help you find your way out of the mess.

#3 – Get some help. Immediately.

I cannot emphasize this enough. If you are depressed and angry it ‘ s very important that you get some help right away.

Depression is something that can get worse if it goes untreated and the accompanying anger can get worse too. And we all know what can happen if untreated anger rears it ‘ s ugly head.

I have a co-worker who was ALWAYS cranky. At first we all put up with it but then it started to get worse. She was getting really mean and her work, and our work, was starting to suffer. I knew that she had a history of depression and I wondered if her anger was related to that.

One day, when I caught her sitting forlornly alone at her desk, I asked her how she was feeling. She looked at me and burst into tears. She had been treading water, trying to be okay with all of her strong emotions, but they had finally gotten the best of her.

With my help she reached out to her doctor and got the treatment that she needed to help her manage her depression and her anger.

It ‘ s important that you, or the person who loves you, reach out right away to your primary care doctor to seek treatment for your emotions. They might recommend a variety of treatments, such as therapy, medicine or both.

What do you do if you are depressed and angry? PAY ATTENTION, that ‘ s what you do.

Ask yourself where your emotions are coming from. If they are situational and will pass, recognize that and manage them until they do so.

But if your depression and anger are more deep-seated and pervasive then it ‘ s time to get help, from a loved one and a professional.

Depression and anger are serious issues. Don ‘ t take them lightly. For yourself, and those who love you, get help NOW.

5 Ways Untreated Depression in Parents Affects Their Children And How to Best Protect Them During Dark Times

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Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It ‘ s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible. As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative affect on children.

Here I will share 5 ways that untreated depression in parents affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times.

#1 – Depression is scary.

For a child depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways – sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure and aggressive themselves.

#2 – Kids blame themselves.

When my daughter was 15 I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? ‘ ˜I am so glad to know that it wasn ‘ t my fault. ‘

Children are so innocent, and so self-centered, and as a result they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this a child can easily internalize their parents depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

#3 – Their parent isn ‘ t parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression they just can ‘ t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days, or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer.

If her mom can ‘ t get out of bed to make her dinner then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it ‘ s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

#4 – Their mom and dad don ‘ t seem to like each other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed the other often struggles to understand what is happening, why their partner can ‘ t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child ‘ s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

#5 – They don ‘ t feel safe at home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression productivity can suffer. As a result one ‘ s home can get dirty, meals don ‘ t get made, laundry doesn ‘ t get done, safety standards don ‘ t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during dark times?

#1 – Be honest with them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy ‘ s sadness or daddy ‘ s anger is the result of something that they can ‘ t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

#2- Explain that it ‘ s not their fault.

More than anything a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren ‘ t their fault.

Understanding that their parents ‘ instability isn ‘ t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child ‘ s shoulders. And that is the very important: to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

#3 – Remove yourself from the situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend ‘ s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

#4 – Get help around the house.

If meals aren ‘ t getting made or the house isn ‘ t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and, if you can ‘ t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

#5 – Seek professional psychiatric help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child.

See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day

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Marriage doesn ‘ t come with a manual. I wish it did. Because after the vows have been said, the doves have been released, and the dress has been put in dry storage, comes marriage.

And as much as we would like to believe it ‘ s all happily ever after, it often isn ‘ t.

But it CAN be. All you need is some awareness and a willingness to act.

Here is my latest – 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day – Even If I Might Not Have Wanted to Hear Them.

#1 – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

One of the most disturbing aspects of many marriages is that after a while, communication just stops.

Sure, there is lots of logistical stuff to discuss – when we are coming home for dinner, where the kids ‘ soccer games are, and what time we are meeting the in-laws on Sunday.

But real communication, expressing of feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams and longings, ceases.

Marriage is a 24/7 commitment. During those days, and years, lots of issues can arise, issues that can be hurtful and cause resentment. Instead of being addressed immediately, feelings are often left unsaid. It can just seem too scary to go there, to share how we feel and not know what the response will be. So we don’t.

And then, before we know it, it ‘ s easier to just not say anything, to do the dishes or spend longer at the office, doing anything to avoid difficult conversations. We do this assuming that the issues will be dealt with eventually. Like after Christmas, after Memorial Day or when the kids go off to college.

If you only take one thing away from this article, it ‘ s this: keep communicating. Your marriage, and your life, will be better if you do.

#2 – Have lots of sex.

I know newlyweds will laugh now at the prospect of no longer having sex with their partner. ‘ That won ‘ t be us, ‘ they say.

But it very well could be.

We know that anger and resentment can build in a marriage because of unexpressed feelings. There is no better libido killer for a woman than anger and resentment. And there is no better way to create anger and resentment in a man than the absence of sex.

Intimacy is key to maintaining closeness in a marriage. Touching, kissing, feeling loved and having orgasms are all a big part of this. Marriage without sex is simply a business arrangement.

So push past the anger and resentment and make love with your partner. Or, better yet, kill the anger and resentment with communication and happily make love every night.

You will be happy you did in the moment and long term.

#3 – Remember to respect each other.

There is a concept called the ‘ contempt of the familiar. ‘ This concept occurs when people get to know each other very well. Too well perhaps. We know how the other person looks when flossing their teeth, how they leave their pants hanging on the door, how they slurp their coffee or that they fart in bed.

Perhaps at one time you thought these things cute but now, as time has gone by, they drive you nuts. They might even repel you.

Mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage. Your partner ‘ s mannerisms or ways of doing things might not jibe with your own and this can lead to developing a dislike of who they are. And if you don’t like someone it’s hard to respect them.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Tell your partner that something they are doing is making it difficult for you to be with them. Don ‘ t just write them off as a lost cause, thinking ‘ If they loved me they would do this differently. ‘ We are all human beings trying to do the best that we can, and if you are honest with yourself, you know that they aren’t doing any of those things to spite you. They just do them. And can change if asked. Nicely.

Give your partner a chance to keep your respect and allow them to respect you in return.

And sex is way better when you respect your partner. In case you didn’t know.

#4 – Don ‘ t let your extended family get in the way of your new one.

No matter how old we are when we get married, we have many years of experience and tradition with our extended families. Holidays spent just so, toilet paper rolls that roll out on top instead of under, sarcasm that is part of every family get-together.

The extended family is wonderful and part of who we are, but the priority now is the new family. The one we are creating with our partner.

Of course, it ‘ s important to respect our family traditions, but if doing so is at the expense of the new relationship, it needs to be addressed. If the birthday tradition on one side is the whole family gathered and lots of gifts exchanged, and the birthday tradition on the other side involves quietly celebrating with friends, then a conversation needs to be had.

Have I mentioned the importance of communication yet?

Both sides of the family need to be told, respectfully, that while all family traditions are important what is important now is how the new family wants to make their own traditions. Compromises might need to be made but it is important that both partners feel like their new life as a couple is their own.

#5 – Know that a baby is going to change everything.

I know! Having a baby is so exciting. From ‘ starting to try, ‘ to nine months of watching it grow, to baby showers and then childbirth (!!) it ‘ s all so wonderful and new and partners are bound closer than ever.

And then the baby is born, and all bets are off.

Like when we get married, no one hands us a manual when we become parents. This means that from day one, we are flying by the seat of our pants. Women most often immediately change their focus from their husbands to their child. Men are left wondering what happened to their life. Yes, the child is delightful, but dinners together, time with friends, and free time for athletics are all suddenly gone. Not to mention the sex.

It ‘ s important to be aware that the baby will change everything and prepare and allow for it. Know that everyone is going to be exhausted, that things are going to be messy, and that the next 18 years will be an evolution and a revolution like you have never been through before.

Commit to making it through those years together. Communicate like you did when you were first married, perhaps even more so, have as much sex as you can squeeze into your week and continue to love and respect each other even as life gets challenging.

It won ‘ t be easy, but it will be worth it.

So there you go. My 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day.

I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 5. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about what went wrong in my marriage. What I do know is that we, as a couple, got lost in our family. We gave up who WE were to please everyone else: our kids, our in-laws, our friends. We stopped looking at each other with love, talking about our feelings, hugging each other, and respecting each other.

We were business partners. Our family was a successful business, but our marriage fell apart.

I am madly in love with a new man now, one I very much hope to marry. And believe me; I won ‘ t make the same mistakes twice.

Marriage is truly a wondrous thing and can be a big part of living the life of your dreams.

So do what I suggest. And don ‘ t ever stop.

Looking for more ideas about how to keep your marriage strong? Contact me, and I can help.

5 Ways to Protect Your Kids During This Crazy Presidential Campaign

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The presidential race of 2016 is like none other. The people are demanding change and with change comes lots of messiness. In this case the messiness involves lots of lying, suspicion, bigotry and name calling.

Many of us adults are completely obsessed with the whole thing, constantly checking the news and reading and re-reading what the candidates are saying. This is okay because we are adults but having the kids too involved with the messiness can be damaging.

I am here to tell you that there are ways to limit the negative effects that a difficult campaign can have on kids.

#1 – Protect your younger kids from anger and hatred.

One of the most remarkable things about this election is the anger flying everywhere. Americans are angry and the candidates are responding with their own anger, some targeting other Americans.

With younger kids it is important that you limit their exposure to vitriol. Young kids are sponges and will absorb any information they are exposed too, some of it good, a lot of it damaging.

So turn off the TV when the kids are in the room. Don ‘ t play videos of the candidates speaking where the kids can overhear. Don ‘ t leave magazines and newspapers with explosive headlines lying around.

It ‘ s summertime. Leave the media behind and get your kids outside.

#2 – Talk about the campaign with your older kids.

Your older kids will be exposed to many, many different perspectives on this election because of social media. Not everything they read will be accurate. Not everything they read will be true. Not everything they read will align with the values you have tried to teach them over the years.

Talk about the election with your kids. Let them ask questions and try to answer them thoughtfully to clarify what they may or may not have heard. And share with them your perspective on what is being said, trying to be as non-partisan as possible.

#3 – Don ‘ t expect your kids to toe the party line with you.

You know what I am talking about. You see little kids attending rallies with their parents, wearing the candidates’ T-shirts. They stand with their parents and mimic everything their parents say, even if they have no idea what their words mean.

Keep your kids out of your politics until they are old enough to decide for themselves what they want and believe. Keep your children innocent for a bit longer because they will have plenty of time to suffer through this themselves when they are older.

#4 – Use this election as an opportunity to educate.

One of the greatest things about America is that it was born from a revolutionary spirit. America objected to how it was being treated by the British, and it revolted and prevailed. As a result, a new nation was born, one based on liberty and equality.

America is going through such a revolution now. The people are protesting against the status quo, the way that our government is using its power to achieve stasis instead of growth. Our country is drowning in partisan politics, and people have had enough.

Talk to your kids about all of this, how great America is and can be, and how we need to recognize our failures, celebrate our victories, and move forward together positively.

#5 – Get yourself away from it all.

I know plenty of people so preoccupied with the election that it is taking over their lives. They are obsessed with what they read and see and spend countless hours arguing with anyone who wants to argue about what the candidates are bringing to the table.

This makes people very, very crabby. And this crabbiness can spill over into your relationships with your kids.

So get away from it regularly. Binge-watch your favorite show read a book, or take your kids for ice cream. Give yourself a break from it all. Take a deep breath and smell the roses.

Set a good example.

We have 5 months left in this campaign. A lot of negative things are going to be said. A lot of name-callings will be done. A lot of promises will be made that might not be kept.

Negativity, name-calling, and lying are all things that we have taught our kids not to do. It is essential that we, as grown-ups, limit their exposure and educate our children so that they can grow up to be the reasonable, thoughtful people we want them to be!

Has this blog made you pause and go, hmmm? I have lots more to share, things that will help you live the life of your dreams. Contact me now and see how.

How To Stop Fighting With Your Husband In 2023 (5 Best Ways)

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Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your husband? Has the frequency and intensity of your fighting grown over time? Do you want to stop fighting so that you can find your way back to each other?

Conflict. We all have it.

We get angry with our mothers, friends, bosses, and kids. It is our husbands, those we have chosen to love and cherish for a lifetime, with whom we seem to get the angriest. And this conflict, this anger, with our husbands can be very destructive and get in the way of living the life of our dreams.

Best Ways To Stop Fighting With Your Husband:

However, there are ways to get through conflict, which is way easier than one would think.

#1 – Carefully choose the time to talk.

This is key.

If you talk to your husband angrily, you will say things you might not mean to say. Words said in the heat of the moment tend to cause much pain and are not necessarily accurate.

Try to wait at least 2 hours after a disturbance before speaking up. This will give you a chance to calm down and speak more clearly. If you can talk calmly about precisely what you are upset about, then you will be more likely to be able to work it out and not let the quarrel escalate.

Also, don ‘ t pick a known stressful time to talk, like during bedtime or just after work. Pick a time when you are calm and can approach the conversation with good energy instead of evil. Calm time can be hard to find, but you can find it when adequately motivated.

#2 – Do not attack.

This is very important and something that many of us do without thinking. And it gets us nowhere.

Let ‘ s say that your husband is always getting home from work late. Instead of saying, ‘ You are always late. Why do you have to be such a jerk? ‘ try saying, ‘ It makes me sad when you are always home late from work. I work hard to get us all together for a family dinner, and I miss it when you aren ‘ t there. ‘

Look carefully at the difference here. If you use the first example, your husband will immediately get on the defensive, and the conversation will end before it begins.

A man and woman playing wii in the kitchen.

In the second example, you are sharing how you FEEL, and no one can argue with how you FEEL. And how you feel is the truth.

What is not the truth is that your husband is a jerk for coming home late.

#3 – Make sure they know you are listening.

This is very hard to do and can feel contrived, but it is crucial to listening and being heard.

It ‘ s called a thoughtful response.

In the case of the example above, with the husband who didn ‘ t come home in time for dinner, the perfect response for him to say would be: ‘ I am sorry that my being late for dinner made you so sad. ‘ With that statement, you know your husband has understood what you are trying to say, which might deflate the argument.

The worst thing you can do is yell back at them, not letting them speak and get their feelings out. Because if you do that, the issue will come up again. Over and over and over.

#4 – Try to remember that we are all only human.

We all make mistakes. More often than not, our troublesome actions are not a reflection of our feelings about someone but are the result of a variety of things (time, motivation, energy level, distractions) that all work together and create a situation that isn ‘ t ideal.

A client of mine’s husband came home on Saturday without picking out the windows he promised her he would pick out. Furious, she said, ‘if you loved me, you would have picked out the windows.’

His mother had called when he was on his way, and he had to run over to help her with something. Yes, it’s not ideal, but it is why he couldn’t do what she had asked, not because he didn’t love him.

Next time you react to something your husband does, take a moment to figure out why it happened. Perhaps you won ‘ t need the two hours to decompress after all.

#5 – Be ready to say sorry and to forgive.

This can be the hardest thing for people ‘ ¦ to say they are sorry and to forgive perceived wrongs… but it is one of the most essential parts of any relationship.

Why don ‘ t we want to say we are sorry? Because it will convey weakness? Because we can ‘ t let go of our anger? Because we are embarrassed by our actions?

Whatever the reason, we need to learn how to do it. Next time you disagree with your husband, try apologizing. See how quickly the anger deflates on both sides.

With the husband who came home late, he should start with, ‘I am sorry that my lateness made you sad. That is apologizing not for the lateness but because of his wife’s pain.

What shouldn’t be said is, “I am sorry that my lateness made you sad, BUT I couldn’t help it.” In an apology, a BUT makes the apology completely ineffective. The BUT means you are making an excuse. You caused pain, no matter the reason, and that needs to be acknowledged.

Similarly, we need to forgive and not hold onto anger. Holding on to anger is one of the most destructive forces in any relationship. If your partner apologizes for his or her actions, you need to find it in your heart to remember that they are only human and that they have taken responsibility for their actions, and that life must move forward.

Final Words:

Arguing with your husband can be a common occurrence in any relationship. Still, it can adversely affect your mental and emotional well-being when it becomes frequent and disruptive. Understanding the causes of your arguments, using effective communication strategies, preventing arguments before they happen, and dealing with ongoing issues are crucial steps to stopping fighting with your husband and maintaining a healthy and happy relationship.

Remember that relationships take work, and moving past arguments and building stronger, healthier relationships is possible. Learning to stop fighting with your husband is vital to keeping your marriage healthy.

Conflict and the resulting anger with anyone can be devastating, especially with a partner. Left unchecked, anger can take on a life of its own and destroy everything in its path.

Don ‘ t let that happen to you. Try to carefully choose your time to talk. Don’t attack. Let them know you are listening and don’t hold on to the anger.

And then, perhaps, you can settle down to a lovely peaceful, conflict-free evening.

Sounds worth it, no?

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