Tag Archive for: forgiveness

8 Ways To Show Someone You Love Them Truly

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How important is it to show someone you love them? Very!

Are you in love? Isn ‘ t it wonderful? Every day you share with your person is a new and wonderful day. You hope that you feel like this forever.

Unfortunately, you won ‘ t. That early, heady love is amazing, but it ‘ s not sustainable. Doctors say that if people felt forever the way they do in the first six months of a relationship, it would actually kill them. Too many endorphins can damage the heart. Ironic no?

Fortunately, the next phase of love, the settling in for the long game, can be a wonderful thing too if you do it right.

So, How Do You Show Someone You Love Them Truly?

# 1- Love them as they want to be loved.

I truly believe that one of the best tools in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman ‘ s 5 Love Languages. Go to Amazon right now and download it onto your Kindle.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language, they don ‘ t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, and focusing on me. My ex-husbands ‘ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that too.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Languages at www.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a short quiz that you and your partner can both take, and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

#2 – Talk to them.

For women, an important part of being loved is feeling connected. Men often don’t understand what that means to be connected to a woman.

I have a client who wants his girlfriend to know that he loves her. He thinks that the best way to do that is by making sure they have good memories. So, he arranges trips and dinners and other expensive things, hoping to create wonderful memories.

His girlfriend has expressed her dismay that he is spending so much money on her, and he brushed it off, telling her that she was worth it. She wasn’t happy.

I suggested that he tell her that he recognizes and respects her concerns and that he has arranged some free things that they can do together to build memories. She was happy.

For women, being seen, heard, understood and acknowledged is an important part of feeling loved.

#3 – Let them take care of you.

Everyone enjoys taking care of someone, but many of us are really bad at letting people take care of us. One of the best things that you can do to show someone you love them is to let them take care of you.

Think about how good it feels when you do something nice for someone and how it connects you to that person and makes you feel good about yourself.

So imagine how good it would feel for your partner to do something for you. So let him! Even if you can do it for yourself, let him do it. Let him feel good about helping you. It is an excellent way to show someone you love them – to let them show you the same.

#4 – Share their passions.

I have a client whose boyfriend LOVES working on cars. LOVES it. He worked on cars with his father, and he does so now with his son, and he would rather work on cars than just about anything.

This love was driving my client crazy because he wanted to spend time with her but also wanted to work on his car. So i suggested a compromise.

I suggested that she try to get interested in some aspects of his car work and learn from him so that she could spend time with him. In exchange, he would be willing to spend some time with her, doing things other than car work.

By supporting your partner’s passions, you are letting them know that you respect and love who they are as a person. And sulking in a corner because you don’t like what he is doing isn’t going to buy you any love at all.

#5 – Support their goals.

I know it has happened to all of us that our partner comes up with some pie-in-the-sky idea that is the new driving force in their lives. It ‘ s exciting and new, and all they want to talk about.

And I am sure it has happened to all of us that we think our partner ‘ s new idea is crazy.

I remember in college, my soccer-playing, skiing, manly-man of a boyfriend turned to me after a dance performance and announced that he wanted to be a dancer. I actually laughed in his face. This was 30 years ago, and I still remember the hurt look in his eyes. He never became a dancer.

To this day, I wish I had supported him. That ‘ s what people who love each other do for each other. He might never have become a dancer, but having the person who loved him believe in him would have been such a gift. Even better would not have been on the receiving end of my derision.

So support them. No matter what.

#6 – Don ‘ t be critical.

You know how you feel when you go to visit your in-laws and your mother-in-law makes some passive-aggressive, disparaging comment about something you did. Do you know how shitty that makes you feel? And you don ‘ t even really like your mother-in-law.

So imagine what your partner, who loves you, must feel like when you are critical of them.

I have a client whose wife gives him the one over every time they are headed out the door. She tells him if his hair is out of place or if his shirt is right or if he is carrying the right bag for the task ahead. And while she is quick to say Your pants have a hole in them, she never says You are perfect today, honey. Thank you.

My client at first tried to anticipate what his wife might want, but as time went on, he only felt resentment towards her criticism. He actually started not only making choices that he knew would antagonize her, but he ignored whatever she mentioned at the door.

So be careful not to be critical. If you have something to say, say it with love. And if it doesn ‘ t need to be said, don ‘ t say it. Life will go on if his hair isn ‘ t just right.

#7 – Forgive them for things big and small.

There is nothing more insidious in a relationship than not forgiving someone for a wrong. And for some reason couples who love each other are really, really good at not forgiving each other. If someone does something wrong, nothing they can do will make up for that wrong. And that wrong will be played out verbally, over and over, forever.

People are only human. We do things that hurt people. Rarely do we do things to hurt someone on purpose. And yet, in relationships, we often take the thing that someone does to us so personally that we refuse to believe that they didn ‘ t set out to hurt us. And that is unforgivable.

I have a client whose partner was so late getting home one night that he missed a date they had planned. He was delayed at work and then got stuck in traffic, and it was a disaster. She took it personally. If you loved me, she said, you would have gotten home on time. And she truly believed what she said.

The reality is is that he DOES love her. He just didn ‘ t allow enough time. And he blew it, but he does love her. And it ‘ s important for her to understand that. And it makes it easier to forgive. He was late. He didn ‘ t plan well. He blew it. And he does love her.

Of course another piece of forgiveness is that the wrong-doer must apologize for the hurt caused. Because therein lies the issue that will carry forth forever – the hurt. Not so much the actions but the resulting feelings.

So don ‘ t take things personally. And apologize for the hurt. Forgive and move on.

#8 – Never show contempt.

If there is one thing that kills love, it ‘ s contempt. Do anything that you can to keep it out of your relationship.

Contempt seems to rear its ugly head when wrongs fester, when people don ‘ t forgive when being critical is the norm and respect is lost. Contempt manifests itself with derisive comments about your partner and comments about who they are as a person.

My ex-husband had a really hard time getting things done around the house. I told him, over and over, that if he was my employee, I would fire him. And I wouldn ‘ t say it in a loving way. I would say it dismissively, almost with a wave of my hand. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be on the receiving end of my contempt.

Therapists say that when they see contempt in a relationship they know that it ‘ s close to over. So if you find yourself acting contemptuously, STOP, assess and figure out what needs to be done.

Don ‘ t let contempt kill love because it will.

Of course, there are obvious ways to show someone that you love them. You hug them and kiss them and have sex with them and tell them that they are wonderful and hang out with their friends and visit their mother. All of those things are an excellent way to show you someone you love them.

But they will have a hard time accepting your love if you aren ‘ t willing to forgive them if you can ‘ t support them and are constantly critical of them. Back up your kisses with words and actions, and they will know that you are the one for them.

If you have read this far you must really love someone and want them to know.
Let me help you, NOW, before they get away!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Things I WISH My Parents Had Taught Me – Even Though I Know They Did Their Best

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One thing I know more than anything else is how hard it is to be a parent. We are thrown into the job with no training, and it ‘ s a total crap shoot as to how successful we will be. Now that I am a parent, there are things that I wish my parents had taught me.

I know that back in 1965, when they had me, my parents had nothing but good intentions. I also know that they were young and inexperienced and didn ‘ t necessarily have the best role models in their own parents.

All that being said, there are definitely some things I wish that they had passed on, things that I would not have had to figure out on my own.

#1 – Marriage is complicated.

So here is the thing. I knew from observation that my parent ‘ s marriage was challenging. I knew that my mom put my dad firmly behind the kids and the dogs on her priority list, that she snapped at him easily and that he retreated into his office soon after we had dinner.

What I didn ‘ t know was WHY all of this happened. I went into my own marriage with the knowledge of how my parents treated each other, but I had no idea how, in the context of marriage, to prevent it from happening.

Before I knew it my husband was firmly behind the kids and the dogs on my priority list, I treated him terribly, and he retreated into his office nightly. And, like my parents, we ended up divorced.

I wish my parents had sat me down before I got married and really talked about their experiences in their marriage. What they would have done differently, and what they have learned in the ensuing years. I have already talked to my 20 years olds about what happened in my failed marriage, not placing blame but talking about circumstances and being human.

#2- Fidelity is important.

Fidelity was not a theme that played out in my parent ‘ s marriage. It was the 70s, and women had just entered the workforce, and at-work relationships were becoming more and more the norm. And it wasn ‘ t just my dad who strayed ‘ ¦.my mom fell back in love with a man she knew before she was married.

So the model for me when I was in my teens, in those super important years where we learn, from the example our parents set, about how love and relationships work, was two parents who weren ‘ t committed to each other. And two parents who were lying to each other and to us about this very important thing.

I have to admit that, perhaps because of this example, fidelity has not been something that I have always practised in relationships. I know that it has played a great part in why I have had so many failed ones. I just haven’t been able to commit to anyone in a way that makes for fulfilling, long-lasting love. I am learning but it would have been a huge gift to know how to do so a long time ago.

#3 – Mental illness can run in the family.

I spent a substantial part of my life depressed. I lived with a constant sense of hopelessness and despair. I hated every part of my life and didn ‘ t understand why anyone would want to live. I didn ‘ t know that I was different from everyone else ‘ ¦I thought that everyone hated living as much as I did.

My mother used to come up to my room and yell at me because I didn ‘ t ever want to leave it. She accused me of being rude and lazy, and selfish. She would berate me for being shy at social functions and for sleeping so much. It was not fun to be me.

When I was 42, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. When I called my mother to tell her she said Oh, your grandfather and your great-grandfather both had Bipolar disorder. Seriously?

What a gift it would have been all those 42 years if I had had a name for how I was suffering. Perhaps I could have been treated, and my life might not have been the hell that it was for so many years. But mental illness was not something that was talked about back then. I so wish it had been.

Do you want to talk about things your parents didn’t say? I will listen!

#4 – Don ‘ t have sex with someone just because they want to.

I don ‘ t ever remember having the love/sex conversation with my mom. I am guessing we had it but perhaps not. What I do know is that she never told me that I needed to enter into the world of boys and sex with caution.

When boys discovered me, I was young, naïve and starved for love. My dad had recently moved far away with his new wife. I was lost and confused, and lonely. And then boys appeared.

There is nothing like a teenage boy to make a teenage girl ‘ s head spin. One was so charming and attentive and full of compliments. I took his attention in like a starving refugee. And when he wanted something from me in return for his attention, I was happy to oblige. He really, really liked me, after all, so why not let him do what he wanted?

My relationship with this boy was over soon after, and I was left adrift, lonelier than before. A teacher took me under her wing and explained to me that what I had was precious and that I had to treat it that way. That I had to have respect for myself and not let anyone take anything away from me unless I wanted to give it. I was confused at first, but I soon understood, and going forward, I was careful not to let any boy get the best of me.

#5 – It ‘ s all about forgiveness.

My mother was the queen of holding a grudge. She loved people madly, but if they crossed her, she was done with them. The list of people who ‘ aren ‘ t invited to my funeral ‘ was quite a long one. My dad was on it. And my ex-husband. She would never get over the wrongs that either one of them had done to her and to those she loved.

This example did not serve us kids well. We learned to judge people for their actions and not look at them with compassion and understanding of their humanness. As a result, we lost friends and lovers in our belief that we were always right and that those who had hurt us should be cast out.

It is really only now, in the aftermath of being left by my husband and the ensuing messiness, that I have learned to understand that we are all doing the best that we can and that forgiving is the best way to be able to move on in a healthy way.

My mother died of pancreatic cancer at 72. I truly believe that at least some of her tumour was the result of hanging onto so much anger and resentment for so long. Not letting go of bad feelings is unhealthy not only for our minds but for our bodies. If we can release them, they will not fester and cause damage.

Our parents really do the best that they can with what they are given. No one gives us a manual about how to parent as we leave the hospital with our newborn. All we know is what we already know. And we do the best we can with that knowledge.

What I do know is my parents loved me and took care of me, and made me, at least in part, into the person that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.

5 Ways to Forgive – Even if it Seems Impossible

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Did somebody do something to you that hurt you deeply? Are you looking for ways to forgive because you want and need to?

Perhaps your sister embarrassed you AGAIN at a family gathering with something she said. Perhaps your husband chose your mother-in-law ‘ s side in a discussion about where to spend Easter. Or a good friend forgot to invite you to her Cabi party.

And are you so angry, so hurt, that you just can ‘ t get past it?

I am here to tell you that you can.

Holding a grudge is one of the worst things that you can do for your health. So don ‘ t!

#1 – Recognize that everyone is human.

Everyone is doing the best that they can. Let me say that again. Everyone is doing the best that they can.

The person you are today, right now, is the result of a lifetime of experiences, experiences that include how your mother loved you when you were a child and the way that taxi driver splashed you with a muddy puddle this morning.

It is a combination of those things that determine how you react to something the way you do. The same rules apply to other people.

Do you know that co-worker who is rude to you every morning when you come into the office? Who doesn ‘ t greet you with a smile and small talk? Do you resent that person, think perhaps she is a bitch? Do you spend way too much time thinking about it during meetings?

That co-worker is just a person doing the best that she can, and you have no idea what she is dealing with. Perhaps she has an autistic child who needs to be dropped off at daycare in the morning, and the process is devastating every time. Might that person not be able to greet you with a happy smile in the morning? Might that person be more in need of some compassion from you?

Don ‘ t assume anything about anyone. We are all just doing the best that we can. We are human, after all.

#2 – Don ‘ t take everything personally.

It is not all about you. Again, it is not all about you.

‘ What ‘ s this? ‘ you think. ‘ Of course, it ‘ s all about me. ‘

When someone hurts you, I can guarantee that they almost never set out to hurt you. What they do might be insensitive but more often than not, hurting you is not the reason why someone does something.

When your husband sides with your mother-in-law about Easter Sunday, he is not doing it to purposely hurt you. He is doing it because he wants to please his mother or even perhaps because he genuinely believes her plan is the better one.

He does not do it because he has no respect for your opinions because he does and he demonstrated this last week when he applauded your actions around a problem at work.

He did it for his own reasons, ones that have nothing to do with you.

Not taking everything as a personal affront is an excellent way to take steps towards forgiveness. Know that people do things for a variety of reasons, and hurting you is rarely one of them.

#3 – Look to the future, not the past.

Do you want your present and your future to be based on the past? Or do you want your future to be bright and full of possibilities?

If yes, stop looking to the past and look forward with an open heart.

I have a client whose husband left her a LONG time ago, and she still can ‘ t get past it. Everything that is wrong in her life she blames on his leaving her. Everything.

In an effort to help her forgive her husband and move on, we have been working on her building a life for herself. She has found a great job and is under contract in a wonderful apartment. She is dating again and spending lots of time with her grandchildren. For the first time in years, she is happy.

The more that she focuses on her present and her future, the less time she spends obsessing about the past and all of her perceived losses. Because that ‘ s how her losses are perceived. She has no idea how her life might have been if her husband had stayed with her. What she does know is how amazing her life is now.

And that is what counts.

#4 – Take responsibility.

This is a hard one – to take responsibility for our role in a perceived hurt. But it ‘ s a very important one.

We all play a role in every interaction we have. And, like it or not, our role is as relevant to the outcome as the other person ‘ s.

In the case of my client, who was irate about not being invited to her friend ‘ s Cabi party, I asked her to take a good look at why she thought she might not have been invited.

At first, she said that she had no idea that her friend was just a loser. But then, after some reflection, she realized that she hadn ‘ t really enjoyed the last Cabi party and that she might have expressed those feelings to a few of their friends.

Perhaps her friend hadn ‘ t invited her for just that reason? Not because she was a loser and wanted to hurt her friend, but maybe because she knew her friend didn ‘ t enjoy the parties and wanted her not to feel compelled to attend?

Hmm, that changes things a bit, doesn ‘ t it?

#5 – Be honest and let it go.

You know when you stay up all night, playing and replaying something that your sister said to you on the phone? How it was just like something that she has said to you your entire life? How it drives you crazy every time?

Have you ever told her that it drives you crazy every time? Perhaps now is the time.

Being honest with someone about something they are doing that hurts you is important. And it ‘ s important to do so in an honest, non-passive-aggressive way.

It ‘ s entirely possible that your sister doesn ‘ t know how she repeatedly upsets you. If you tell her, you are giving her an opportunity to change or explain her behaviour. And if you understand the reasons behind her behaviours, you can accept them and let them go.

Because who wants to stay up all night perseverating about their sister’s words and actions? Sleep is a precious thing that shouldn ‘ t be squandered needlessly.

So let it go. Get some sleep. Be happy.

‘ To err is human, to forgive, divine. ‘ So said Alexander Pope in the early 1700s. He knew even back then the virtue found in forgiveness. He knew that we were all doing the best that we could and to forgive is to find God.

So look for ways to forgive. Practice forgiveness. Cut those who upset you some slack, accept responsibility for your share of the blame, let go of the past and make yourself a bright future.

Because that ‘ s what we want. No matter how dark our past is, we want our future to be bright. And with forgiveness, it can be.

 

If you have read this far, you must really need to find ways to forgive.
Let me help you, NOW, before the anger eats you alive!
Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started!

 

 

 

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