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5 Helpful Tips for Expertly Dating During the Coronavirus

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As luck would have it, a fair number of my clients have JUST met people who are contenders to win their heart and now, unfortunately, they are all wondering about dating during the coronavirus. Can their new relationship survive this unprecedented challenge?

Budding relationships are so fun and exciting and they make the world a better place. They are also fraught with unknowns and uncertainties, ones often navigated the more you spend time together.

In this new world, time together is not something we have easy access to but it doesn’t have to mean the end of a new relationship.

How do you survive dating in the coronavirus? How do you continue to build a connection that is strong enough to make it through?

It is possible. Here are some ideas.

#1 – Think big picture.

I know that today our future looks bleak. Stay at home orders and reports of the spread of the virus has brought all of us down.

But it’s not going to last forever. And when it’s over, life will go on.

An essential part of living a full life is love and relationships. Because of that, dating during the coronavirus should involve keeping an eye on the future, an eye on finding that person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life.

So, in these dark times, try to keep the rest of your life in sight and not focus on the here and now. If you do only look at today, you might find yourself overwhelmed and not hopeful about the future. If you do that, when this is all over, you just might find yourself alone.

#2 – Do things differently.

For many of my clients, they are frustrated because they can’t follow their normal dating routines.  The things that they have always done to get to know someone are now not an option.

And I say “Great.”

One of the reasons that you are still dating and not in a relationship might be because what you have been doing so far hasn’t been working. Of course, part of it is that you haven’t met the right person but part of it could be that, in this modern world of dating, there are many opportunities for things to go astray.

Online dating, with its vast opportunities for hook ups, often leaves us ghosted. The lack of available time to give to a partner makes it difficult for connections to get fully made. The speed with which we have sex can often kill a relationship before it starts.

So, now we have an opportunity to do things differently.

For hundreds of years, before the advent of social media people got to know each other differently. During the war years, relationships were built and maintained through letters, letters that often took weeks or months to be delivered. When I was growing up, we talked on the phone for hours and hours until our parents or roommates got sick of listening to us and guilted us off.

Many of my clients tell me that they ‘hate talking on the phone and can’t even conceive of writing a letter’ but why not try to do things differently. Look back on your past relationships, the ones that haven’t worked doing it the modern way and do things differently.

Of course, modern technology does give us the opportunity to interact face to face and in real time with prospective partners during this time but I also encourage you to go old school and see what happens.

This is an opportunity to date in a way that you never have before – maybe it will work out differently this time!

#3 – Respect each other’s fears.

In our house, my boyfriend’s and my way of dealing with everything that is going on is quite different. I have been obsessed with watching the news and learning everything that I can about what is going on (without getting hysterical). For my partner, he has been keeping up on the news peripherally but generally going about his life.

To his credit, he is happy to sit there and listen to me while I spout out whatever information I might have just learned. What occurred to me yesterday, when I was sharing ‘just one more thing,’ was that I might be driving him crazy and stressing him out by interrupting him all time and sharing whatever tidbit I had discovered.

If your new person is more like me and you are more like my partner, are you being supportive and listening? If your new person is lackadaisical and you are stressed out, are you respecting their need to be that way and not insisting that they listen to everything that you have to say?

If you and the contender for your heart have different perspectives to this pandemic, don’t automatically write them off. Everyone reacts to things differently and if this person is the ying to your yang, that could be a very good thing, now, during future crises and in life.

#4 – Play together, far apart.

Again, what is going on the world has altered modern dating.

Dinners out, movie dates and social times with friends and family have all been put to the side for now. So, what, people ask, is left?

As I wrote above, now is the time to do things differently. Imagine how it would feel to receive a love letter from your new person. Or to curl up in bed and talk into the night, not being concerned that you are in your old lady undies or you favorite holey t-shirt.

Of course, just doing things the old fashioned way isn’t the only option. Modern technology has made dating during coronavirus a little bit easier for all of us. How?

You can make a date for a drink on Facetime. Agree to watch a movie concurrently and pause every now and then to discuss. Do the same thing with a book. How about doing a crossword together, online or IRL.

And, of course, there is the fine art of flirting, in whatever fashion, via text and Facetime is always fun.

Just because you can’t be in each other’s presence, it doesn’t mean that you can’t have fun together, apart.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

The number one piece of advice that I give to every person in every situation is to take care of yourself. This is especially important when you are dating in during the coronavirus.

These times are incredibly stressful and, outside of dating, you might find yourself off kilter. This new way of living is throwing us all off a bit and it will take a while to get used to the new normal.

Add dating into the mix and you just might find yourself in full stress mode.

During this time, make an extra special effort to take care of yourself. Take baths, keep in touch with friends, eat food that makes you happy, hug your kitty. And, if the person you are new connected with makes you feel in any way bad about yourself, let them go. Don’t waste even one minute with someone who doesn’t make you feel worthy and special.

Period.

Dating during the coronavirus is a whole new thing with a whole different set of rules.

I see this as an opportunity, however, for all of you who are out there trying to find love.

This is an opportunity to do things differently, to get to know new people without all of the modern stressors, to get have fun and face fears and to get to learn how to take care of yourself first.

So, put yourself out there, either with someone you have already met or with someone you connect with online. Have fun, do things differently and see what happens next!

Good luck!

If you have made this far you must really want to date with success.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you fail!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

Diagnosing Situational Depression: 5 Things You Should Tell Your Doctor

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Are you really struggling with your moods and wondering about diagnosing situational depression and have no idea where to start?

There is so much conflicting information out there about depression – what causes it, how it presents and how to treat it – that it can be overwhelming.

There are two primary kinds of depression – chemical and situational. Chemical is caused (at least in part) by a chemical disorder in the brain. Situational depression is usually brought on by a life event, like a death, divorce, job loss etc.

Doctors can easily tell the difference and will make diagnosing situational depression, or chemical depression, a fairly straightforward thing.

It is important to be clear with your doctor about what your life looks like so that he or she can diagnose and treat you properly.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you have important information to share with your doctor.

#1 – Has anything happened?

Life can be really hard sometimes. Really hard. And we humans are extraordinarily resilient but sometimes it gets to be just too much.

Last year, my dog died, a friend killed himself, another friend tried to kill herself, my mother-in-law died, a killer round of poison ivy led to steroid induced mania and my ex-husband betrayed me in a way that I never could have believed would happen. Needless to say, by early winter, I was a mess.

I talked to my primary care doctor because I wasn’t feeling well and she asked me about what was going on in my life. It didn’t take her long to go about diagnosing situational depression and helping me see it for myself.

Since that diagnosis I have been taking an anti-depressant to help me manage my moods. I am not planning on taking it forever, just until my life steadies out and my moods are more manageable.

Has anything happened in your life recently? Something that might cause you to feel hopelessness and despair in a way that you haven’t before? Take an accounting of what that might be so that you can share it with your doctor.

#2 – Do you feel hopeless?

One of the hallmarks of depression is hopelessness.

Do you have a hard time getting up in the morning because you can’t see how the day will be anything other than miserable? Do you think about next week, or next year, and picture nothing on the horizon but more dread and despair? Does the idea of spending time with friends or family make you crawl back under the covers?

If you are feeling hopeless and believe that there will never again be joy in your life, share that with your doctor. It will go a long way towards diagnosing situational depression, if appropriate.

#3 – Can you live your life?

Are you able to get out of bed in the morning? Are you able to get in the shower and eat your breakfast? Are you able to get out of the house and to work? Are you able to do your work to everyone’s satisfaction? Can you go out for dinner with friends or family and enjoy yourself?

If your answer to any of those questions is no, you might be struggling with situational depression.

For many of us who live with depression, the desire to live our lives can be hard to access. The idea of doing anything other than lying on the couch fills us with such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread that all we can do is stay there.

If you find that it’s difficult to live your life in any meaningful way, tell your doctor.

#4 – Are you short tempered?

Do you find yourself impatient and quick to anger? Are things that you used to be able to roll with now things that you find yourself chafing at?

Are people keeping a wide berth because you are no longer fun to be with? Are you starting to hate being with yourself because you are so unpleasant?

People who struggle with depression often find themselves to be short tempered in a way they weren’t before. The heaviness of the depression, the way that it makes us feel bad about ourselves and how we aren’t living our lives in any meaningful way, makes us crabby with the world in a way we aren’t normally.

So, if you are quick to anger, tell your doctor. You will be one step closer to them diagnosing situational depression, maybe.

#5 – Are you sleeping?

Are you having a hard time falling asleep? Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep? Are you groggy in the morning, so groggy perhaps that it interferes with your life?

Many people who are struggling with situational depression have a hard time sleeping. A big part of the inability to sleep is from ruminating over what has happened and processing the anxiety around it as well. This leads to endless nights, in bed but not sleeping. And then maybe sleeping too much during the day, sleep that isn’t good for you.

Unfortunately, lack of sleep can be a huge contributor to, and indication of, depression. And, the more you don’t sleep, the worse it gets and so you don’t sleep because you are worried about it and then it gets even worse.

If you find yourself staying up all night and being groggy in the morning, or sleeping all day, tell your doctor. It is important information for them to have.

Diagnosing situational depression can be a fairly easy thing for your doctor to do.

If something has recently happened to you, if you find yourself not living your life or spending time with others, if feelings of hopelessness and dread overwhelm you and you are quick to anger, tell your doctor.

Let him or her help you manage this depression so that you can get on and live a full life.

You can do it. I know the idea seems overwhelming but if you do it NOW you will be one step closer to getting the help you need.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with depression.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

5 Reasons Why You Should Set Boundaries In An Abusive Marriage Now

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Does your spouse abuse you emotionally and/or physically? Do you spend most days living with fear and shame and self-loathing? If yes, it’s time to set boundaries in an abusive marriage before it kills you.

For many people who are in an abusive marriage, getting out right now just isn’t an option. Whether its financial considerations, concerns for yourself or your children, geographical issues or sheer terror, the need to stay in place is necessary.

If you are in this place, it is essential to set boundaries in an abusive marriage now so that you can survive, and maybe even thrive, as you live through it.

What kind of boundaries? Let me share!

#1 – Take care of yourself.

It essential that, if you are being emotionally or physically abused, you make an effort to take care of yourself.

We all need affection and loving touch and if you aren’t getting love from your spouse, it is important that you love yourself. Loving yourself, and believing that you are worthy, is very hard to do when you are constantly being demeaned so demonstrating to yourself that you are loved is very important.

What makes you feel loved? A hot bath? Time with your girlfriends? A ‘Real Housewives’ binge? A massage?

Take an accounting of what you could do to make yourself feel loved and pampered. If you can do this, you will be able to stay in touch with the fact that you deserve to be loved and cared for, even if the person in your life isn’t making you feel that way.

#2 – Spend time with those who love you.

If you find yourself in the middle of a lot of anger and insults every day, it is important that you make sure that you spend time with people who love you.

Much like the self-love I described before, being surrounded by people who love you just the way you are is an important part of surviving an abusive relationship.

They will remind you that you are a wonderful person, deserving of love and affection. They will remind you that what is happening isn’t your fault. They will remind you that you have strength, strength to survive this and get through it. They will remind you that there is a life worth living out there.

So, make sure that you reach out to friends and family as much as possible. If your partner makes it difficult for you, make it a priority to make it happen whenever you can, even if just for a short period.

Do it! You will be glad you did!

#3 – Don’t blame yourself.

Many of my clients who are in abusive relationships blame themselves for the abuse that is being showered down upon them.

Their abuser is forever telling them that what is happening is all their fault, that if they just did this or that differently their partner wouldn’t be forced to discipline them. They tip toe around, hoping to not get noticed or blamed. And this is not okay.

It is important to understand that the abuse that is happening to you is not your fault. Yes, we are all humans and we make mistakes, but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they might do or say.

Most abusers have something that has caused them damage in their life and that leads them to abuse others. Some kind of trauma or abuse that has led them to do the same to you.

The reason that it’s essential to set boundaries in an abusive relationship is so that you don’t lose touch with who you are. Learning how to not blame yourself is a key part of keeping in touch with that person and not letting the abuse tear you down completely.

#4 – Believe that this isn’t forever.

I know that right now it feels like you will be in this place forever, that the abuse that is rained down on you daily is something that will always be a part of your life.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Yes, you might be stuck in this relationship now, for whatever reason, but it doesn’t have to be this way forever.

When you are ready, there are ways to get out. When the kids are gone or when the money isn’t so tight or when you have the outside support you need, you will be able to escape this abusive relationship and get on with your life.

Believing that this will be your one and only life will make it very difficult to move forward, to not let yourself sink into feelings of hopelessness and despair.

There is hope and help out there that can enable you lead a happy and fulfilling life, when you are ready and able.

#5 – Get help.

If you are feeling the need to set boundaries in an abusive marriage, I am guessing that things are going from bad to worse and that you know that if you don’t set some kind of boundaries you might die, or worse.

If you are in this place, please try to get help. There are all sorts of people out there who can help you get through, and out of, an abusive relationship.

If you are struggling with depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to give you an anti-depressant. Just being a little bit less depressed might motivate you to get out. Talk to your therapist about where you can seek help to get you through this time. Ask your life coach about coping mechanisms. Look for support groups in your area.

If you are going through an abusive relationship, you are not alone. There are many trained professionals who can help you get through this relationship intact. There are also many people who are in, or were in, abusive relationships. Connecting with them will help you develop relationships with people who have shared experiences, people who can help you with understanding what is happening to you and to teach you coping skills for getting through it.

You don’t have to go this alone, so don’t!

Learning how to set boundaries in an abusive marriage is the key to surviving it.

Perhaps you can’t get out of the relationship now but you can learn how to take care of yourself, to draw the line in the sand so that you can keep yourself as healthy as you can to ride this out.

Take care of yourself, don’t blame yourself, spend with others, look to the future and get some help.

Abusive relationships are devastating and, to survive them, you must take care of yourself. You can do it!

 

If you have made this far you must really be struggling in an abusive marriage.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

5 Red Flags to Look for if Your Relationship Seems Too Good to Be True

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Are you wondering if your relationship is too good to be true?

Are you the kind of person who often finds themselves in super intense relationships, ones where it feels like the sky is the limit and that you will be happy forever, only to find yourself left broken hearted and alone?

Have you been left by someone who is overwhelmed by your behavior or have you left someone you loved because your relationship isn’t meeting your needs?

Ironically, sometimes relationships that are the most intense are the ones that leave us most open to the risk of being hurt. And the relationships that are intense are the ones that are hardest to resist because the passion is so compelling.

Luckily, there are ways to identify people who might seem to be THE one but who might be a risky choice for a long-term relationship.

Below are some red flags that are easy to spot. Knowing them will help you make conscious choices.

#1 – They are impulsive.

People who are impulsive are people who act on their gut. Their mind usually ignores what logic is screaming at them and they do what they want when they want to.

An impulsive person might look at you across the room, decide that you are the one for them and make you fall madly in love with them. An impulsive person could introduce you to their kids and parents after knowing you for just a week. An impulsive person could whisk you away on a romantic island vacation, promising that it will be the first of many.

And an impulsive person could see a person on the beach next to them on said romantic island and decide that that person is the one for them. And leave you.

Being with an impulsive person can be really fun. The living moment to moment, never knowing what is on the horizon and enjoying what comes when it does. The falling in love quickly and making mad love for days. It’s all very exciting and, most likely, very temporary.

So, watch out for someone who is impulsive. Look instead for someone who is more thoughtful and deliberate in their approach to love. Thoughtful and deliberate people can be passionate too and the passion might even last!

#2 – They are WAY into sex.

At the beginning of a relationship, being with someone who is interested in lots of sex is exciting. The dopamine rush that occurs when wrapped around your person as they make you feel loved and wanted is intoxicating. As time goes on, the need for sex subsides somewhat, as you settle into a comfortable relationship.

Unfortunately, there are some people who need to have sex constantly. The reasons for this are varied but they are real. And, the person who need constant sex is most usually the kind of person who will need to move on and find someone else to fill their needs. Or, even worse, they will stay with you and seek sex elsewhere anyway.

So, pay attention to your person at the beginning of your relationship. How do they feel about sex? Do they seem obsessed or do they need to do things that might be out of the ordinary? Do you find that you can’t always reach them and do you wonder if they might be with someone else?

If you are with this kind of person and are trying to make a relationship out of it, you are taking a big risk. Know that your person most likely won’t be able to change their ways and your heart will be at risk of being shattered.

#3 – They are self-centered.

We have all been in relationships with people who are self-centered. We have all been in relationships with people who are so much about themselves but, in the beginning, it appears that they are all about you.

People who are self-centered believe that the world revolves around them and, while they seem to do things for your pleasure, they are really doing it for their own.

At first, a self-centered person will look at you with big love and make love to you passionately.  You will feel like the center of universe, until you aren’t. Until you realize that your person is doing what they are doing for you for their own self-satisfaction, to meet their own selfish needs to feel good about themselves.

A self-centered person will fight you tooth and nail if you try to point this out to them because they know that if they lose you they will feel pain and they don’t want that. When you do fight, after they will make passionate love to you, to make themselves feel better.

So, stay away from people who believe that the world revolves around them. It might seem wonderful at first but, before long, you will see that it’s all about them and nothing about you.

#4 – They run hot and cold.

I have a client who is in love with a man who does, from what I can tell, love her back. More often and not, however, you wouldn’t know it.

Some days he calls her over and over, asking how she is and telling her he misses her. And then he disappears for weeks only to reappear and pay attention to her. He tells her how excited he is to see her and then yells at her for being so demanding. He tells her that she is hot but then tells her another girl is hotter.

When my client and her guy are ‘on,’ it’s amazing. She is so in love and their sex is amazing and she feels sure that she will live happily ever after. And then, as if a switched was flipped, her guy is unkind and disrespectful and gone.

If your person is like this, if your person is always changing to the point that sometimes you don’t recognize them, consider walking away. A person who runs hot and cold will always be this way and, if they don’t make you happy as they are, they will never make you happy.

#5 – They can’t sit still.

I have always been a restless person. I have lived in 5 countries, 7 cities and 9 states over the course of my lifetime. For the past 15 years, I have moved every 2.5 years. For the past 10 years I have had quite a few boyfriends. I am the definition of restless.

And what does this mean in relationship? It means that I swoop in, ready for something new, willing to dig deep quickly and get someone to fall madly in love with me. And I fall in love with them too, until, about 8-12 weeks in, I get the itch to move on. So, I do, leaving my person dazed and heartbroken.

I would imagine that many of those men would say that they were very happy that they had me in their life for that short time but I am guessing that some of them would have preferred if I had stayed.

If your person is like me, present with you now but always looking towards the next horizon, pause and think carefully before you get in too deep.  You could find yourself heartbroken.

Recognizing the red flags that are there if your relationship feels too good to be true is a very smart thing to do!

An intense, passionate relationship is all well and good but what we really need for long lasting love is a person who doesn’t dive in too deep too quickly, who has a healthy sexual appetite, who isn’t all about themselves, whose moods are constant and who is willing to sit still.

If you recognize any of the things I have mentioned in your partner, be aware that they are huge red flags and that they are worth looking at before you crash!

 

If you have made this far you must be struggling with whether or not your relationship is working.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get your heart broken.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong during Coronavirus Isolation

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Are you stuck at home with your significant other, wondering how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation? Good for you for being proactive.

Coronavirus has changed, at least temporarily, the everyday life that we Americans have lived for so long. Instead of going to work and school, the grocery store and the movies, we are stuck at home. And if there is nothing that Americans suck at more, it’s staying at home.

One of the first relationship that get frayed during crisis and isolation is often our romantic one. As time, fear and boredom take over, the instinct to take it out on your partner is not small.

There are ways to get through these scary times with your relationship intact, and maybe even stronger. Let me suggest how.

#1 – Respect each other’s fears.

In our house, my boyfriends and my way of dealing with everything that is going on is quite different. I have been obsessed with watching the news and learning everything that I can about what is going on (without getting hysterical). For my partner, he has been keeping up on the news peripherally but generally going about his life.

To his credit, he is happy to sit there and listen to me while I spout out whatever information I might have just learned. What occurred to me yesterday, when I was sharing ‘just one more thing,’ was that I might be driving him crazy and stressing him out by interrupting him all time and sharing whatever tidbit I had discovered.

If your partner is like me and you are more like my partner, are you being supportive and listening? If your partner is lackadaisical and you are stressed out, are you respecting their need to be that way and not insisting that they listen to everything that you have to say?

If you and your partner are reacting differently to this health scare know that, to keep your relationship strong, having a talk about the differences and making an effort to respect those difference will help keep your relationship strong.

#2 – Respect each other’s space.

Weekends are lovely at home but, more often than not, when Monday rolls around my guy and I are ready to get back to work and have some space. Not because we don’t love each other madly but because sometimes too much togetherness isn’t necessarily a good thing.

It is important that, to keep your relationship strong during this time where you and your partner might be stuck at home together, you respect each other’s space. That no matter the anxiety, or the boredom, that might be consuming you both, give your partner the time to step back and take care of themselves.

What does that look like at our house? My boyfriend is, as we speak, in the garage working on a car project that he hasn’t been able to get to because he has been working so hard. I am inside, on the couch with my kitty by my side, writing my blog. When I am done, I will make lunch for both of us and then he will go back to the garage and I will do some yoga. Later on, we will take a walk.

Not being in the same space 24/7 is going to be a key part of us getting through all of this together time intact. You can do it too. Because none of us wants to be alone during this time, and no one wants to be even more stressed out because their partner is driving them crazy.

#3 – Respect each other’s needs.

Everybody has needs that help calm them during stressful times. It is important that, right now, we try to identify, respect and meet each other’s needs.

For me, right now I need to be able to putter around my house. Keeping it orderly makes me calmer. I need to be able to cook comfort food, even if it isn’t healthy. Having my feet rubbed during our evening TV makes me happy too.

For my partner, shockingly, it seems to be sex that he needs.  I tried to postpone indulging last night and was met with a frown and a pouty face. I indulged him and he was happy. He also finds peace working on any car – solving problems and finding a cure.

Try to figure out what your partner needs during this stressful time. If you can’t identify what they need, ask them. A key part of living together in peace will be by giving each other what you each need.

#4 – Respect your time together.

If there is one thing that couples in America don’t have enough of its time together.

Our crazy work and parenting schedules make it so, at times, couples barely say more than a few words to each other over the course of a day other than ‘good morning’ and ‘good night.’ We are accustomed to this being the way things are but the way things are are rarely good for any relationship.

A wonderful way to take advantage of this time that you and your partner have together, and to keep your relationship strong, is to do things together. Take walks, binge watch “Better Call Saul,” have backgammon marathons, fool around. You have nothing but time right now so make the best of it!

Using this time of coronavirus isolation for good can be just the thing that saves a relationship that is struggling and making stronger one that is intact.

#5 – Respect yourself.

It is important, during this time of crisis, that you respect and care for yourself.

Men and women, both, have a tendency to go into overdrive with care giving and crisis management when confronted with something unknown and scary like the coronavirus. And when we do that, we can suck ourselves completely dry.

Make an effort to take care of yourself. Take baths, take walks, exercise (outdoors), watch cute cat videos on YouTube, play with your kids. Whatever it is that gives you pleasure, even in the short term.

If you find yourself wearing out and getting crabby, think about what they tell us on airplanes – ‘put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.’ That’s what we need to do right now. Even if you are working hard to keep your children feeling safe (and not bored) or dealing with a crabby partner who hates sitting still, make a conscious effort to step back, if only for a bit, and take care of yourself!

Knowing how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation is a key part of getting through the crisis intact.

Don’t belittle your partner’s emotions, share what you both need to get through this, make the most of your time together and take care of yourself!

I know it feels like everything has changed and will never be the same but we will get through this as a nation and our relationship can survive and, even thrive, in spite of it all.

If you have made this far you must really be going a little crazy with isolation.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get crazier.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

Why He Won’t Let You Go Even if He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

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Are you dating a guy and are you wondering why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship?

Does he tell you that it’s over and walk out only to return a few days or weeks later, smiling and charming?

Are these things happening over and over, leaving you confused and unhappy?

So, why does your guy keep doing this, even if he knows it hurts you? It’s not a simple answer.

#1 – He is unhappy alone.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, but won’t let you go, then it is possible that he is simply lonely.

He knows that he doesn’t want to be with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that is left in your absence, he keeps coming back so that he won’t be alone.

And you probably let him come back because you aren’t enjoying being alone either.

So, if your guy is keeping you around even if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn’t want to be alone.

#2 – He has insecurities.

A guy who says he doesn’t love you but keeps coming back is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn’t love you but he then wavers, wondering if he’s made the right choice. Perhaps he won’t let you go hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move forward.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you on a string could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date might be just too overwhelming and, as a result, he comes back to you, hoping to make it work so that he can feel better about himself.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why he keeps you around.

#3 – He wants sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but keeps coming back he could very well be coming back just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex?’

This man is a good guy but he just didn’t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might be coming back to her. Once he understood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn’t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn’t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy reappears, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – He needs you.

One thing that’s very interesting about breakups is that one of the reasons they are so difficult to stick to is because of the habits that we have created in our relationships.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it’s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

He also might miss the things that you do for him – washing his clothes or making his dinner. Keeping the fridge stocked and toothpaste under the sink. Having to do those things on his own is difficult and he knows that if he keeps you around, you will handle them.

So, if your guy keeps coming back, it might be because he can’t break those habits and because he needs you. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn’t want to let them go.

#5 – He has hope.

Of course, sometimes guys won’t let you go because they genuinely want to work things out. He generally wants to make a life with you. And when that happens, and you want to work things out too, I encourage you to greet him with open arms. And caution.

It is important, if your guy comes back because he wants to work things out, that you guys talk about what went wrong in your relationship. That you both completely understand any issues that might have developed over time and that you make a plan, together, to do things differently.

You can build a relationship by doing things differently. History repeats itself over and over until we take steps to make change. Take a good hard look at your relationship, see what went wrong and work together to make those things right.

You can do it.

The question of why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship is incredibly hurtful, confusing and frustrating.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you’ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look at what happens when your guy comes back. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can’t break the habit or because he just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he really genuinely wants to try to work it out.

Ask these questions before you open that door. Knowing the answers, and acting on them, could prevent a whole lot of pain.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with your guy.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

Situational Depression Triggers & Symptoms that You Need to Know Now

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Are things in your life rough these days? Are you plagued by feelings of hopelessness and dread? Are you wondering what situational depression triggers look like and how to tell if you are suffering?

Let me help!

Combating situational depression is different from dealing with other kinds of depression. Identifying the cause and effect is the key. Here are some things that you need to know how to fight the fight and win!

#1 – Know what situational depression is.

Diagnostically, are two basic kinds of depression: situational depression and chemical depression. They have similar symptoms but different causes.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to you even if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have.

If you think you have situational depression, read on. If you think you have chemical depression here is an article for you to read to learn more.

#2 – Know what is causing YOUR situational depression.

As I stated above, situational depression happens when something occurs in your life that causes you extreme stress and because you haven’t yet adapted to the changes brought about as a result of that event.

Situational depression triggers can include:

  • Problems at work or school
  • Illness
  • Death of a loved one
  • Moving
  • Relationship issues

Furthermore, many people who struggle with situational depression often have preexisting experiences with some sort of trauma that might contribute to their mood changes. Some possible experiences may be:

  • Existing mental health problems
  • Several difficult life experiences happening at once
  • Having gone through considerable stress as a child

So, take a good look at your life right now. Are you struggling with something? Is your child having issues at school? Is your marriage a mess? Are your parents ill? Have you had a recent relationship break up? Anything that is out of the ordinary and which is making it more difficult to function.

If you are sad, and any or all of those situational depression triggers sound familiar, you might be situationally depressed.

#3 – Know the symptoms of situational depression.

Most people with situational depression develop symptoms within roughly 90 days following the event that triggers the condition. Symptoms can include:

  • Listlessness
  • Hopelessness
  • Lack of enjoyment of regular activities
  • Difficulty sleeping
  • Sadness
  • Recurring bouts of crying
  • Loss of interest in food
  • Anxiety
  • Worry
  • Loss of Concentration
  • Withdrawal from work or friends
  • Suicidal thoughts

Symptoms of situational depression vary from person to person and usually include more than one of the symptoms above.

Review the list above carefully. If any of these things seem familiar to you then you might be struggling with situational depression and it’s time to deal with it. Situational depression can cause severe disruption of your life if left untreated.

#4 – Know the best way to treat situational depression.

In many cases, situational depression will ease on its own. There are things that you can do in the meantime to help relieve the symptoms. Getting exercise, eating well, getting enough sleep, sharing your feelings and doing things that make you happy can all help ease your sense of sadness.

However, if your symptoms are seriously disrupting your life or not going away, it would be a good idea to talk to your primary care doctor about what is going on. It might be time to talk to a psychologist and/or get treated with some medication.

Either way, it is important that you pay attention to your moods so that you know if they are getting worse or better. It’s often easy to lose sight of the fact that it’s the depression that is making your life so bleak. We start to blame ourselves for not being strong enough or outgoing enough or smart enough when in fact our self-image is clouded by the depression.

Checking in with your moods regularly so that you can deal with them properly is an important part of dealing with your situational depression.

#5 – Know that you should have hope.

Some people with situational depression have symptoms for longer than 6 months. This is especially common when something else happens during the recovery period, which often happens because, well, this is life.

If your depression is seriously impacting your life, whether just for a few weeks or a few months, reach out to your doctor to get some support. Your life just might depend on it.

Luckily, for many, situational depression can abate quickly, especially if you make a special effort to take care of yourself, sleep and eat well, get exercise and hang out with those you love.

So, have some hope that your situational depression will most likely pass, that it won’t be a part of your life forever. How you are feeling today is most likely not how you will feel in a month or two.

Knowing situational depression triggers and symptoms is the key part of learning how to live with it.

Fortunately, dealing with situational depression is possible. Take a good look at your life and try to identify what might be causing your sadness. Knowing what the source of your sadness is the first step to dealing with it.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat and sleep well. Pay attention to your moods and manage them. Have hope that, with time or with treatment, it will pass and you will get your life back.

You can do it! I promise.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with situational depression.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it gets worse!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

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