5 Reasons Why Your Married Man Won’t Let You Move On

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Are you feeling completely overwhelmed because your married man won ‘ t let you move on?

Have you finally found the strength to let him go but are you finding that he is making it very difficult for you to actually leave?

This is not unusual.

Even if you ‘ re making each other miserable, it has been hard to walk away and I am guessing a big part of that is because your married guy doesn ‘ t want to let you go.

There are reasons why a married man won ‘ t let you move on. Understanding those might be the key to you being able to make that final break, to get away from him so that you can have the life you want.

Here are 5 reasons why a married man won ‘ t let you move on. I hope they help you get the clarity you need to find the strength necessary to move forward.

#1 – You take care of him.

Be honest? How much of your time is spent taking care of your married man?

Do you support him when he has a fight with his wife? Do you listen to him when he talks about how unhappy he is in his marriage, how he hasn ‘ t had sex for years, how she treats him like a child? Do you provide words of love and support? Do you rub his neck and give him all the love you can so that he can be happy?

Before he met you, your married man had to deal with his life on his own. He had to deal with his unhappiness, his loneliness and his uncertainty about his future all by his lonesome. For many men, managing their emotions is not something they do easily.

So, now you ‘ re asking him to let go of the one person who can give him the love and support that he needs. He thinks he will be miserable, and he might be, because he believes that you are the only ticket out of that misery.

Ironically, you taking care of him is one of the reasons why he won ‘ t leave his wife. Why would he? He has everything he needs from you, all that love and support, and he can keep his family and his finances intact.

So, one of the reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because you take such good care of him. Perhaps now it ‘ s time to stop doing that and only take care of yourself.

#2 – The sex.

This is a pretty obvious one that I don ‘ t need to go into much detail about but a big reason why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because of the sex.

For many married men, they have affairs because they aren ‘ t getting any sex at home, or not enough to satisfy them. And then you came along and the sex was plentiful and amazing, as affair sex often is. Your married man most likely thought that he had died and gone to heaven, that you were the best sex he ever had and letting go of it would destroy him.

If you leave him, that sex will go away. And that is a fate worse than death for any man.

If you are trying to move on from your man and he is not letting you go, know that one of the reasons is because of the sex. Yes, he loves you, but the sex is a major thing that makes it really hard to move on.

#3 – Obsession.

I know that when I was involved with a married man, one major reason why he wouldn ‘ t let me go was because he was obsessed with me.

Before he met me, his life was miserable. He was in a job he hated, he was unhappily married, he was struggling with his finances and his kids were having a hard time. And then along I came and made his life wonderful.

My guy was sure that without me in his life, he would no longer be able to handle all the things that he needed to handle. He thought that I was the only one who could keep him from falling apart. He believed that without me his life was hopeless.

So, one of the reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because he is obsessed with you, he has a vision of you as his savior, as the only person who can make him happy, and that makes him paralyzed when it comes to letting you go.

#4 – Fear.

One of the reasons that you probably had a hard time leaving your married man was because you were afraid of what ‘ s next. You were scared of being alone, that you would never love or be loved again, of the pain and the loss and the loneliness.

Your guy is in the exact same place, scared as hell. Only his is worse.

You are, most likely, the only thing in his life that really makes him happy. The idea of losing you scares the shit out of him.

For you, your future is certain. You are not in a marriage that you can ‘ t leave. You aren ‘ t scared about breaking your family apart. You aren ‘ t worried about your finances. For you, once your married man lets you move on, the sky is the limit. You can put yourself out there and meet new people, you can excel at your job, you can start to build a life for yourself that might include marriage, family, and healthy finances.

But with you gone, your guy has none of that. All he has is you longer being in his life.

And that ‘ s scary as hell.

#5 – He wants it all.

One of the main reasons why your married man won ‘ t let you move on is because he has it all and he doesn ‘ t want to let go of it. I mean, who would?

As I talked about earlier, your man has somebody who can support him, he has somebody who will have sex with him, he has somebody who he believes to be his savior in the world. And he has his family. He has a wife who is his partner. He has kids he gets to see every day. He has a house that is comfortable and an active social life.

He literally is having his cake and eating it too. Who wouldn ‘ t want to let go of that?

Ironically, this is exactly the reason why you need to let him go. During your affair, you have most likely put your life on hold for him while he has been able to live a full life because you were there, supporting him.

He had you to give him sex and love and he had his family and his finances intact.

He has never left his wife because he had it all and letting go of you means that he ‘ s just left with he started with, unhappiness.

Knowing why your married man won ‘ t let you move on might be just the thing that you need to help you make the final cut and start living your life again.

When I broke up with my guy the final time, after blocking him everywhere so that he couldn ‘ t contact me, I made this list of the 5 things above and kept it on my fridge.

With that list, I could remember why my married man wouldn ‘ t let me move on. And my list made it quite clear – NONE of the reasons that he wouldn ‘ t let me go had ANYTHING to do with me or my feelings, only what he wanted and needed.

As usual.

You can do this. You can let go of your married man. And what I can promise you is that, if you do, you will be way happier than he will be in the long run.

 

5 Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Marriage

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There are so many things I wish my mother had told me about marriage before I walked down the aisle.

After all, she had been through it and had had a hellacious time. She got married at 25, had me and then my brother and sister, and was divorced by 39.

I was the oldest and I watched my parent’s marriage fall apart but I truly never understood what had happened to them.

Now here I am, divorced and contemplating another marriage. But, unlike the first time, I am not new at marriage. I have experience and wisdom and know what I need to do differently to make this marriage work.

No one hands us a manual when we get married so it ‘ s important that the information is passed down generationally. To that end, here are 5 things I wish my mother had told me about marriage that I know today. Let me share them with you so that you go into your marriage with your eyes wide open.

#1 – Make it about love, not about timing.

I always tell my daughter that when she wants to get married, we will throw her a party and buy her an amazing dress. After the party, if she still wants to get married, I will give her my blessing.

I got married when I was 28. My ex and I had been together for 5 years and we were happy. We knew each other well, shared the same hobbies and had just moved from San Francisco to Maine. All of our friends were getting married and having babies and so we decided it was time to do the same.

He proposed and I accepted and naively believed that we could love each other forever, even if I wasn ‘ t madly in love with him. We had a really fun wedding and a great honeymoon. It was all lovely.

18 years later, our marriage was in tatters. We were still friends, excellent parents and good business partners, but our marriage was DOA. I talked to my therapist about it and he said that, for people who aren ‘ t madly in love when they marry, bringing a marriage back from the dead is very hard to do.

I do believe that there is more to successful marriage than just love. Love is an important part of it but so is respect, trust and kindness. For a marriage to stay healthy as the years go on, it is important to maintain the love amid the craziness of the world around us.

So, before you walk down the aisle, make sure it ‘ s not about timing, not because you have always wanted to get married by 30 and have kids by 32. Instead do it because the person you are going to marry rocks your world.

#2 – Don ‘ t be passive aggressive.

One thing that I REALLY wish my mom had told me about marriage was the importance of not being passive aggressive. The importance of being direct about what you are thinking and what you are feeling and what you need, cannot be overstated.

Instead of telling my ex what is it was that I needed, I would make snide comments and belittle him. How good do you think that made him feel?

I know now that one of the reasons I did this was because I really didn ‘ t know what I needed but also because I didn ‘ t have the communication skills that would have allowed me to talk to him. As a result, passive aggressiveness was my number one mode of communication. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

Over the years, this passive aggressive behavior caused a huge rift in our relationship. He would tiptoe around me, trying to figure out what to do so that I wouldn ‘ t snap at him. I know that living with me was hell.

So, as you go into a marriage, I would encourage you to develop communication skills immediately. Being passive aggressive in your marriage will only destroy it.

#3 – Make your husband a priority.

For those of you who are mothers already, I am sure when I say this you say ‘ ˜no way. ‘ And I can appreciate that. My kids always come first.

What I am not saying is that you have to prioritize your husband over the kids. What I am saying is that they need to the next one. Not your job or your mom or your friends – your partner.

My dad always said that he was 6th in our household. That he came behind the kids and the dogs. It wasn ‘ t that way when he got married so it only left him lonely and confused. And I know that it ‘ s one of the reasons that his second wife didn ‘ t get to have any kids – because he wanted to be a priority.

Why is making them a priority important? Because it keeps the relationship strong. Because they know that you have their back and will make time for you and that you can trust them and respect them. It ‘ s way easier to keep a marriage healthy than try to fix it once it ‘ s gone bad.

Ironically, men do often keep their wives as a priority so its on us girls to step up and do the same.

#4 – History repeats itself.

A client of mine had her family torn apart by her father ‘ ˜s infidelity. As she grew up and went through therapy, she realized what a profound effect the infidelity had on her emotional health and she promised herself she would never do that in her marriage.

After 10 years of marriage, she was feeling alone, ignored and not prioritized in her marriage. Along came a man who made her feel alive and heard. And what did she do? She had an affair.

The affair almost killed her. She felt so happy in the moments she was with him but felt so guilty afterwards. She worried that what she was doing would destroy her family – and her affair partner ‘ s family. She felt like she had let herself down by doing the one thing that she swore she would never do.

Why does history repeat itself? Because when we are children, our parents are our life. Whether we want to or not, we watch them and absorb their behaviors, good and bad, and strive to emulate them. We don ‘ t have the cognitive awareness to know any better. By the time we are grownups, those traits have been well established and hard to let go of.

I really wish that one of the things that my mom had told me about marriage was that history does repeat itself. She experienced the same problems her parents did and if she had recognized that and shared it with me, I might have been able to do things differently.

#5 – Marriage is complicated.

I know we all want to fairy tale – that we will live happily ever after with our spouse, in our perfect house with our perfect family. All of our dreams will come true.

Unfortunately, that is just a fairy tale. Marriage is long and hard and very complicated.

What are some of the things that make a marriage complicated?

  1. Extended family
  2. Children
  3. Work
  4. Finances
  5. Goals for the future
  6. Communication skills
  7. Sex
  8. Baggage
  9. Emotional Health
  10. People changing

I would encourage you to take a look at your marriage and see how healthy you are in those certain areas. I know that in my marriage, my husband’s extended family caused a big rift between my ex and I and that our communication skills around it were non-existent.

I always prioritized the kids, he prioritized work and our sex life was dead.

I struggled with depression and he didn ‘ t have the tools to help me.

The lesson here is that marriage is not all about being soulmates and living happily ever after. Marriage is about two people who are joined together for the rest of their lives, in the messy world of babies, extended family, financial considerations, etc.

It is essential for people who are getting married to go in with their eyes wide open, recognizing that marriage is going to be a lot of work and probably not the stuff that we see on TV and in movies.

In retrospect, the things that I wish my mother had told me about marriage were things that she wasn’t even aware that she needed to tell me.

Back in the day, we just didn ‘ t talk about these things. Therapy was pretty much non-existent and couples really struggled with the words to face these realities.

To be fair, my mother probably had NO IDEA that she needed to tell me these things or that she had even experienced them herself.

It ‘ s a different world now. I always tell my kids that they will learn by the example that I have set, and the things that we have talked about, and that their marriages will succeed where mine didn ‘ t.

It can be the same for you. Even if your mother didn ‘ t have the skills to tell you what you needed to hear before your marriage, you know them now and you can implement them and change family patterns and get your fairy tale ending!

You can do this!

5 Things to Do to Fill the Empty Space Left After a Break Up

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There is nothing worse than the empty space that is left after a break up.

For weeks, months, or years, you have had someone in your life, someone who shared the good times and the bad, someone who you went to the movies with, went out to dinner with, took home for holidays, etc.

That person, and the things that you did together, is now gone, leaving a wide open space that needs to be filled. Leaving it empty can be incredibly uncomfortable and cause a tremendous amount of pain.

So, what can you do to fill the empty space left after a break up? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Spend time with people who love you.

There ‘ s nothing better to fill the empty space left after a break up then spending time with people who love you.

For many of us, when we are in a relationship, we fill all of our empty space with our person. But, remember, there was a time when you didn ‘ t have this person in your life. Who was your favorite person to hang out with before your ex? Who made you laugh? Who was your partner in crime? Who always made you feel loved?

Pick up the phone and call that person right now! Make a plan with them to do something that you used to do that made you happy.

The lesson here is that there are many people in your life who you love and who can fill that space for you, maybe even better than your ex could!

#2 – Get a change in scenery.

I know for one of my clients, the first thing she does at the end of a relationship is to make a plan to get away from her everyday life.

Usually, it involves a short drive to visit a friend or a family member but sometimes she goes bigger. Once she even planned a trip to London. She had always wanted to go there and was given an opportunity to run a marathon.

Her relationship had just ended so she decided to go for it! And what happened? She kicked ass in the marathon and she met a lovely British man who helped her manage her broken heart.

So, if you need to fill that empty space left after your break up, I would encourage you to change the scenery.

Where would you go for a change? Even if it ‘ s just going to a friend ‘ s house for the night, or going to visit your parents or jumping on a train and going to see an old friend or booking a flight to the Caribbean, whatever you can do to get out of the space that you occupied with your ex, ASAP.

Doing something different, even if for a brief moment, will help you fill the empty space that is feeling so painful right now.

#3 – Rearrange things.

One of my personal favorites, of all the things that I recommend for people to do while they ‘ re getting through a break up, is to rearrange things.

One of the reasons that there is so much empty space in your life is because your space is the same as it always has been.

Do you walk into your home and see the empty space your ex used to fill? Do you come home at the end of the day, as usual, and feel their absence?

Do you go out for your regular Wednesday night Thai food and does it only make you feel lonely because you used to do it together?

Well then, it ‘ s time to shake things up.

When a client of mine went through her divorce, she decided that she was going to totally rearrange her space. She was in a lot of pain at the end of her marriage and she wanted to do something different.

So, she swapped her bedroom and her living room. She moved her bedroom into the space with the fireplace and decorated it with all the things that she loved the most. She purchased new furniture for her living room and created a space for herself to spend time knitting and watching TV.

Whenever she went to bed at the end of the night, she didn ‘ t do so with the ghost of her ex-husband next to her. It was almost like she had moved to a whole new house and that empty space did not feel so empty.

So, try changing up your space. It might give you a whole new lease on life.

#4 – Try something new.

A client of mine recently went through a terrible break up. She was blindsided and left broken and empty.

This is not the first time has happened to her. Like all of us, as she goes through the dating world, she has gotten her heart broken more than once.

Typically, what she does when she ‘ s heartbroken is she stays at home, feeling sorry for herself, googling articles to justify how she feels about how her ex behaved, eating ice cream, and generally feeling sorry for yourself.

She decided to do things differently this time. After spending the weekend with her mother, crying and getting love, she drove directly to a music store and bought herself a violin.

When she was younger, she played the violin. She was really good at it and it made her really happy. When she went off to college and started her career, the violin fell to the side. She wanted to bring it back.

So, she bought the violin and filled those empty spaces with the instrument that had always brought her such joy. She was able to re-familiarize herself with how to play and she was able to build her skill and and find true joy. It was far better for her than sitting in front of her computer, reading things that were making her depressed and eating food that was bad for her.

So, is there something that you have always wanted to do or something from your childhood that you could start doing again that would make you feel good?

I encourage you to think about this and to take the steps that you can take to try something new, something that you never shared with your ex, so that you get to know yourself again and not see yourself only as part of a pair.

#5 – Take my course!

I have created a course, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On, that I created especially to fill the void that has been left after a break up.

When we are left with empty space after a relationship ends, we are often left helpless and hopeless about what to do next. That empty space can be very debilitating.

In my course, you will find daily activities, things that you can do to help you fill that empty space in a healthy way so that you can move forward with your life.

The course is broken up into 4 weeks. The first week is about letting go of the pain. The second week is about rebuilding your self-esteem. The third week is about preparing to put yourself out there, either to date or just to live. And week four is about taking action with the goals you set.

This course is just the thing that you need to fill the empty space left after your break up, to rebuild your self-esteem, to get past the pain and to move on with your life.

Check it out here. It might just change your life.

Filling the empty space that is caused by a break up is an important part of getting through the pain and to come out the other side.

If you sit around at home, feeling sorry for yourself and not making any efforts to fill the space, you will never get past this break up.

I encourage you to get off the couch right now, to spend time with people who love you, to plan an excursion, to rearrange stuff in your life, to try something new, and to check out my new course.

I can promise you that, with time, this empty space will be completely filled with life and love. For now, take steps to deal with it so that you can heal and move forward!

You can do it!

5 Signs that Your Guy Doesn’t Want to Be in a Relationship

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Have you recently been thinking that perhaps your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

Did you go into this relationship with big hopes and dreams but are you seeing that your guy might not be on the same page?

When many of us start to think that our guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, we tend to ignore all the signs. We convince ourselves that our person does want to be with us and that we can keep them if we can just show them how much we love them.

Unfortunately, that never works.

It is very important that you don ‘ t ignore the red flags that indicate that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

You will waste a lot of time if you do.

Here are 5 signs that your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship to not ignore so that you can get the life, and love, that you want!

#1 – He disappears.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that if a guy wants to be in a relationship, he will want to spend as much time with you as possible.

If your guy disappears, if he doesn ‘ t return your texts or your calls, if he makes excuses to not be with you, then your guy doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

A client of mine started having sex with an old friend. He told her over and over and over that if he was going to be in a relationship, she ‘ s the one he would want to be in one with. She took that to believe that they were working towards building a relationship together because she really wanted one.

But what he was doing was talking the talk but not walking the walk. He would constantly be making excuses about why he couldn ‘ t come over to see her. He was in recovery and constantly told her that he was working with people at his recovery center, even when he had promised her that he would be with her. He would say that he was coming over later and then wouldn’t show. When he did show up, he let her take care of him but did nothing in return.

My client got increasingly upset. She knew deep down that he didn ‘ t want a relationship but she just couldn ‘ t accept it. Instead of doing so, she just dug herself in deeper, believing that if she just held on, he would change his mind.

It finally took her having a total breakdown, and for him to be direct about his not wanting to have a relationship with her, for her to see that she was wasting her time.

She walked away. It was hard for her to do so and it took a while but finally she did.

She has now met the love of her life and she ‘ s getting married in October.

#2 – He only wants to stay home.

A guy who wants to be in a relationship really likes to show off his woman. He is actually eager to get out there and share with the world that this is the person he has chosen, and who chose him!

If your person has taken to only wanting to stay home, to watch movies, to eat dinner and to go to sleep early, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want to be in a relationship.

By staying home with you, where he can be taken care of and have sex, your guy is able to maintain a semblance of a relationship to keep you happy without actually being in one.

So, if your guy no longer wants to take you out, to introduce you to his friends or his family, then it ‘ s very possible that he does not want a relationship.

If you ‘ re seeing this, consider walking away. NOW!

#3 – You are feeling insecure.

From many of us, when red flags present themselves, we ignore them.

If we think our person is pulling away, instead of taking note and walking away from them, we tend to lean in even more. We are nicer, we take care of them, we go out of our way to be available for them, we give them more sex, we do whatever we can do, believing that if we just love them enough they will want to be in a relationship with us.

I know that when my ex-husband told me he wanted to divorce, I went out of my way to be the best wife that I could be. I would dress up for him when he got home at the end of the day. I had way more sex with him than I usually did. I tried to be kind and direct and open. He had told me he wanted a divorce, but I didn ‘ t want to believe him. I just believed that if I gave him enough, he would stay.

He didn ‘ t.

All of this left me feeling horrible about myself. I knew that I was giving more than I was receiving and that I was debasing myself by doing so. As time went on, it got worse and worse until finally, I left, feeling like a shell of myself.

So, if your person is making you feel insecure, then it ‘ s definitely a sign that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t make you a priority.

Be honest. Is your guy your number one priority? Do you put him above your friends, above your dog, above your family, above your work? (well, maybe not above your dog)

Of course, you do. He is the person you love.

But, let me ask you, does he do the same thing? Are you the most important thing in his life and does he regularly show you?

Think hard on this, because it ‘ s very important.

It is essential that, for two people to be in a healthy relationship, they make each other a priority. That they make an effort to put their relationship above all things, sometimes even above the kids.

Relationships are very hard and without constant effort, they can fall apart.

If your guy puts you after softball, work, friends, golf, etc., then he definitely does not want to be in a relationship.

People who want to be in a relationship act like they want to be in a relationship.

#5 – He tells you.

Has your guy told you, maybe over and over and over, that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship?

In spite of him saying this, does he keep coming and going, hanging out with you, having sex with you, letting you take care of him?

And are you telling yourself that you know that he really does want to be with you, because of his actions and in spite of his words? Well if you do, you are kidding yourself.

If someone tells you something directly, listen to them. If he ‘ s telling you he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, there is no amount of love that you can give him that will make him change his mind.

So, if he is being honest and direct with you, believe him! Don ‘ t believe that things will be different with you

I know the last thing in the world that you want to hear is it your guy doesn ‘ t want to relationship but it’s true.

At the beginning of relationships, we have such high hopes and dreams for the future. We believe that we might finally have found our person, and this makes us supremely happy. Letting go of that can very, very hard.

If he doesn ‘ t make you a priority, if he disappears, if he only wants to stay home and you are feeling insecure, it ‘ s very clear that he no longer wants to be in a relationship. And what I can promise you is that, if he ‘ s already made up his mind, there is nothing that you will be able to do to change it.

I would encourage you to walk away now! You want to find love and happiness so don ‘ t waste even one more minute on someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you.

I know walking away is scary. You are afraid of the pain and you are afraid of being alone forever. But I can promise you the only way you will be alone forever is if you try to get keep this man.

You can do this I promise.

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed

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I know it ‘ s hard to believe that it ‘ s OK to break up with someone who is depressed but it is. It truly is.

I know that you care for them deeply and you don ‘ t want to see them hurting but that doesn ‘ t mean that staying with them is the best thing for them, or for you, especially if they aren ‘ t doing the work that they need to do to get better.

I know. I had been depressed in my marriage and I know now that staying together because I was struggling, but not getting help, was the worst choice that we could have made.

Let me tell you why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. Perhaps understanding will help you make a decision around your next steps.

#1 – They are not your responsibility.

I know that you love your person and that you want to take care of them. And I know that you would do anything that you could do to make them feel better. But what I also know is that it ‘ s not your responsibility to do so.

If someone is struggling with depression, it is their responsibility to take care of themselves. It is their responsibility to notice how they are feeling, to take steps to deal with their depression and to do what they need to do to learn how to live with it.

I know you want to help. And that is admirable, but it ‘ s important that you understand that the person you love who is dealing with depression needs to take care of themselves. You can ‘ t do the work for them, no matter how much you want to and how much you try.

#2 – Codependency.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is depressed, and you are doing everything in your power to make them feel better on a daily basis, and they are letting you, you guys are in a codependent relationship.

Much like enabling an alcoholic, you doing all the work to take care of your person during their depressive periods isn ‘ t helping anybody.

You are probably finding yourself increasingly frustrated that your efforts aren ‘ t making a difference and your person is probably becoming increasingly reliant on you to make them feel better in the moment. This is co-dependency.

I know that when I was married and I was very depressed, my relationship with my husband was in rough shape.

Whenever he came home from work and he saw I was depressed, he would go out of his way to be careful. He would go out of his way to be helpful. He would go out of his way to be complementary. While it worked for me in the moment, it didn ‘ t help me in the long term. As a result, he became increasingly frustrated and I became increasingly reliant on him and that wasn ‘ t helpful for either one of us.

Eventually, out marriage ended.

So, if you find that you are constantly trying to take care of your person, to help them not be so depressed, and they are letting you, your relationship is becoming increasingly co-dependent and a co-dependent relationship is not a healthy one.

#3 – You are trying to fix them.

If there ‘ s one thing that someone doesn’t need when they are depressed, it ‘ s their person trying to fix them.

What a person who is depressed needs more than anything from their partner when they are feeling depressed is for their partner to accept them as they are in the moment. To recognize that they are depressed, to have empathy for them and to let them know that you are there for them.

Unfortunately, for many people who live with people who are depressed, they don ‘ t understand what the person needs. Instead of being willing to accept them as they are, to have empathy for them, the person who is not depressed just tries to fix that person.

They try to talk them out of their depression. They try to convince them of how good their life is, and how happy they are, and how many people love them. They try in vain, over and over and over, to fix the person instead of to try to support them in the moment.

What this does is it only makes the depressed person feel worse. They know that they are loved, they know they have a good life, they know all of this but they are depressed anyway.

You trying to show your person how good their world is will only make them more depressed.

So, if you find yourself trying to fix your person, perhaps it ‘ s time to let them go. Unless they can do what they need to do to take care of themselves, they will never get better. And unless you can accept that trying to talk them out of their depression is making them feel bad about their depression, your person will struggle, you will be frustrated and your relationship will never be healthy.

#4 – They need to do this work themselves.

Many people come to me wanting to know what they can do to help their person who is struggling with depression. What I say to them is their person needs to do the work themselves.

I know that it wasn ‘ t until I was able to accept that I was depressed that I was able to start working on disorder.

Once I recognize that I was depressed, I took the steps to reach out to a doctor, to get a diagnosis, to start taking some medication and to start doing the things that I needed to do to live a successful life.

Today, I take my meds faithfully. I do yoga, eat well, get enough sleep, spend time with those I love, and get massages every month. All of those things help me manage my depression.

It ‘ s not cured but it ‘ s under control.

I never could have done this work if I had someone there trying to ‘ ˜fix me, ‘ trying to convince me that I needed help. I needed to figure this out on my own and eventually I did.

This is another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. You can ‘ t do the work for them, they need to do the work for themselves. And if they ‘ re not willing to do that, it ‘ s time for you to move on.

#5 – You have your own life to lead.

I know it might seem selfish, but you have one and only life. And if you ‘ re spending it with someone who is depressed and isn ‘ t willing to do anything about it, then you should seriously consider moving on.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as it is right now, living with a person who is depressed? Someone who doesn ‘ t want to do anything, who isn ‘ t interested in sex, who doesn ‘ t take care of themselves, who doesn ‘ t want to go out with friends?

Because this will be the rest of your life if you stay.

I know that when my ex-husband finally broke up with me, he was able to lead the life he wanted. He wasn ‘ t held back by my depression and my paralyzing social anxiety. While I was very sad that he left, devastated in fact, I know that him moving on was the best thing for both of us because he was able to find happiness and I was able to have the space to do the work that I needed to do to get well.

Knowing why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed will give you the freedom to make a decision about next steps.

The important thing here is that if your person is not willing to do what they need to do to get past the depression, then there ‘ s no reason for you to stay.

They are not your responsibility, you staying is enabling them to not deal with their depression, you trying to fix them will only make things worse and they need to do this work themselves.

Most importantly, you have a life to lead. Don ‘ t let your life be bogged down by someone who doesn ‘ t want to help themselves.

If you are lucky enough that your depressed person is willing to do the work that they need to do to get better, then by all means stay. But remember, a promise isn ‘ t action and if they say they are going to do something but don ‘ t, that ‘ s another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

If they don ‘ t do the work, why should you?

I know you can do this. I know you want to be happy. And that ‘ s on you ‘ ¦

Why Moving On From a Toxic Relationship is So Hard
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Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard.

It ‘ s hard to understand why. Leaving a relationship that made you so unhappy should leave you feeling really good about yourself and hopeful about the future.

But, instead, trying to move on from a toxic relationship just leaves you feeling hopeless, that you will never get past it.

Understanding why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is the key to being able to do so.

Here are five reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard so that you can understand and finally move on.

#1 – Letting go.

When we get out of a toxic relationship, the break-up means letting go of our hopes and dreams.

All of the things that we had visualized our life would look like at the beginning of the relationship are all things that we have to let go of when the relationship ends.

And that is really, really hard to do.

I had a client whose husband left her soon after their children went off to college. They had been unhappy for a long time and she had thought of leaving him many times.

But, when he left, she had to let go of the vision she had for the rest of her life in this marriage.

That vision included fixing her marriage, traveling with her husband, delighting in grandchildren together, and finally having the financial freedom to do the things they had always wanted wanted to do.

Instead she was left alone, their finances were in tatters and the image of them growing old together was gone.

So, one of the reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is because you have to let go of those hopes and dreams that you had counted on for so long.

#2 – Fear.

For many of us, the idea of getting out of any relationship, much less a toxic one, is very scary.

We are worried that we will never love or be loved again. We are scared of the pain that we will feel. We worry that our person will move on and be fixed for their next person. We are afraid that all the time we have wasted in this relationship will make it difficult for us to find the happy life that we long for.

I always encourage people to face the fear. Fear is a very scary thing. Pain is a very scary thing. But we have all dealt with fear and pain in the past and we have prevailed. So, if the fear of the pain is holding you back, think of periods of pain and fear that you had survived before and know that you will survive them again.

#3 – Depression.

For many of us, letting go of a toxic relationship can lead to deep depression.

Whether or not you are already prone to depression or it ‘ s something that you have dealt with before, depression can hold us back from moving on, every time.

The reasons that depression can hold you back from moving on from a toxic relationship are many.

When we are depressed, we have no energy to do anything. This makes it hard for us to get out into the world and fill in the holes that are left by the absence of our relationship.

When we are depressed, we feel hopeless about the future and when we feel hopeless about the future it ‘ s hard to move on because you don ‘ t know what you ‘ re moving onto.

When we are depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves. We eat bad food, we stop exercising and we do things that self-sabotage our well-being. Doing this only makes things worse because our self-esteem plummets.

If you are feeling depressed, I would encourage you to talk to your primary care doctor to see what they can do to help you manage your depression so that you can get through this difficult time and get your life back.

#4 – Hopelessness.

For many of us, after we get out of a toxic relationship, we are left feeling completely hopeless about the future.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams about our relationship, struggling with depression and truly believing that we will never be happy again is why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult.

Many of my clients tell me that they are sure that if they get out of this relationship their future is bleak. They believe that everything that they have lived for will be gone and how can they find anything to replace it?

They feel bad about themselves and they believe that they will never feel good about themselves again and that nobody would ever want to love them. They believe that they were the cause of the toxicity in the relationship and they wonder how things could ever be different in the future.

What I would encourage you to do is realize that this hopelessness after letting go of a toxic relationship is a very natural thing and if you go through the steps you need to go through to get past this break up, the helplessness will fade and you will get the life that you want.

I promise. I have been there!

#5 – Self-doubt.

One of the biggest side effects of a toxic relationship is that our self-esteem gets shot.

Whether it ‘ s because we feel like we have let ourselves down by staying in a relationship too long or whether it ‘ s because our partner abused us so repeatedly and destroyed our mental well-being, either way, having low self-esteem makes it very hard to move on from a toxic relationship.

What I always encourage my clients to do when they are feeling full of self-doubt after a break up is to do the things that they need to do to feel better about themselves.

A client of mine was spending all of her time online, looking for articles that would reinforce her belief that her toxic relationship and her ex could be authenticated by other people ‘ s experiences. I told her to give herself a deadline when she would stop doing this because all it was doing was sabotaging her moving forward and definitely not making her feel better about herself.

What she did instead of spending all of her time online was she purchased herself a violin. She had played violin when she was younger and it always brought her a lot of peace. Starting to play the violin again was very self-soothing for her. The more her skills improved, the more her self-esteem grew. Instead of wallowing in her self-doubt, she did something that made her really feel good about herself and, therefore, hopeful for the future.

What would work for you to help you build your self-esteem? I ‘ m sure there are things that you have done in your past that felt good then and that you could take up again to build a future that you want.

Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard but doing so is also incredibly important.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams, to be scared about what is next, to be overwhelmed with depression and hopelessness and be filled with self-doubt are all obstacles to getting past your broken heart and moving forward.

But I promise you, you can do it. I promise that the life that you have always wanted is out there and ahead of you.

My new course, Four Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving on, is just the thing to help you take the steps that you need to take to get past the broken heart, to start rebuilding your self-esteem and to put yourself out there and find the love and the life that you want. You can check it out by clicking this link here.

What I can promise you is that no one has ever died of a broken heart. You will get through this, with a little bit of intention and determination.

You can do it!

How To Keep Control Of Your Emotions and Save Your Relationship

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Learning how to keep control of your emotions is one of the best ways that you can keep your relationship a healthy one.

Something I hear from clients regularly is that, when they are in conflict with their partner, instead of being able to talk about things, emotions take over, people get hurt and nothing gets resolved.

As a result, issues are pushed down, only to resurface over and over. This continued pain will ultimately destroy any relationship, no matter how much love is involved.

To that end, I would like to share with you why knowing how to keep control of your emotions is a key part of keeping your relationship healthy.

#1 – Step away but don ‘ t storm off.

We are taught on TV and in movies that, to make our point, we need to make a declaration and then walk away. In the movies, after that declaration, the character has an epiphany that they were wrong and their person was right and everyone lives happily ever after.

OR, in the movies, when we storm away, our partner chases us because they love us so much and want to make things right.

But, in reality, storming away gets no one anywhere. It cuts any conversation short and only serves to put off until later any opportunity to resolve the issue.

All of that being said, it ‘ s very important to step away if you find your emotions are getting the best of you.

I would encourage you to, if you are finding your emotions getting out of control, tell your person that you need five minutes and to step away and take some deep breaths. To go for a walk or sit with your puppy or take a shower.

So, step away but don ‘ t storm away. This will give you both a chance to calm down a little bit so that maybe you can return to the conversation in a calmer, more productive way, to put the issue to bed and move on.

#2 – Take deep breaths.

I know it sounds very trite, but breathing is one of the best ways to keep control of your emotions.

Think about the last time you got into a fight with your partner. Did you find you were having a hard time expressing yourself? Did you get overwhelmed with tears, perhaps becoming so upset that you were hyperventilating? Did you find your heart racing more than usual?

All of those things can be the result of lack of oxygen to the brain. Without sufficient oxygen, it ‘ s hard to think. Without sufficient oxygen, our nervous system gets activated and emotional regulation can be very difficult. Without sufficient oxygen, our body can go into fight or flight mode, which will only make things worse.

When you find yourself in conflict with your partner, I would encourage you to pause for a second and take a deep breath, breathing right down into your tummy. Taking a deep breath will help your brain get the oxygen it needs so that you can think clearly and, hopefully, keep control of your emotions.

#3 – Keep tuned in to how you are feeling.

I know for me, when I used to get escalated in my marriage, I was not aware of it.

The adrenaline caused by the conflict took over and propelled me forward towards chaos. By the time that happened, there was no going back.

What I ‘ ve been working on recently is recognizing my emotions as they evolve, recognizing when they are getting out of control.

When I do recognize that they might be getting out of control, I do #1 and #2 above. I either ask for a time out or I take a deep breath, pause and try to get my emotions back in check and then proceed.

I know this is easier said than done. It can take a lot of work to try to regulate your emotions. But being aware of them is very important step to doing so.

#4 – Don ‘ t focus on one word or sentence.

When you are in an argument, do you find that you tend to focus on one ugly word or one disrespectful sentence that has been said?

Do you find that, if your partner makes an offhand comment that you find unkind or condescending, you cannot let it go? Does the fight then pivot to that one thing instead of what originally caused it? And does that just derail the whole thing?

One key part of keeping control of your emotions during conflict is to not focus on the small things. Yes, we all say things in the heat of the moment, things that we regret but once they are said there is no unsaying them. If you can keep in mind that we are all only human and we say things that we don ‘ t mean, this might help you let them go.

#5 – Don ‘ t pick a fight.

For many of us, we spend our days in our head. If something has happened that is upsetting us, we might dwell on it and get ourselves all worked up. Once we are worked up, we have two choices – to bring it up calmly with our partner or to pick a fight. Most of us pick a fight.

If we pick a fight instead of approaching something from a calm place, the fight is derailed even before it begins. Our emotions are already elevated and our partner is immediately on the defensive. The fight will escalate and have no chance of being resolved – which can only make everything worse.

I encourage you to, if you are struggling with something, tell your person that you need to talk about it. Don ‘ t be passive aggressive or snide. Just be a grown up and talk.

Learning how to keep control of your emotions is not an easy thing to do.

We are very emotional creatures, particularly women, and when we care deeply about something, it ‘ s hard for us to not feel our feelings.

But, if you can learn how to not pick a fight, how to step away and take a deep breath in the middle of a conflict, to stay focused on how you ‘ re feeling and to not vilify that ONE thing that was said, you will definitely be a long way towards controlling your emotions.

And, I think you will find that, if you can keep control of your emotions during conflict with your partner, your relationship will be healthier and, if it has been struggling, it might be saved.

You can do this! I know you can!

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