7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

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7 Psychological Facts about Toxic Marriages that Nearly Everyone Misses

If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but not really sure. I get it! So many of my clients come to me, wondering if their marriage is a toxic one.

When we are struggling in a toxic marriage, it can be hard to recognize the symptoms. A therapist of mine once likened being in a bad relationship to being caught underwater in a moving river – the water bubbling all around your head, disorienting you, making it hard think clearly.

Well, that is what life coaches (specifically me!) are here for – to help their clients understand the realities of their marriage so that they can be empowered to decide on their next course of action.

So that end – let me share with you the psychological facts about toxic marriages that nearly everyone misses, so that you can figure out your next steps.

#1 – Your spouse is not your “soul mate.”

So many of my clients tell me that their spouse is their “soul mate.” That they have never loved or been loved the way that they do and are with their husband or wife. And I get it. But that idea is, I am afraid, just a tad delusional.

Let me ask you this – if you are in a marriage that is toxic, perhaps being emotionally or physically abused by a partner, how can that person be your “soul mate?” How can someone who is your “soul mate” be someone who is willing to cause you so much pain?.

More likely, instead of being your “soul mate,” you and/or your spouse are most likely trauma bonded. No matter the length of your marriage, your primary relationship has been a toxic one. One that involves anger and sadness and mistreatment and contempt and name calling and swearing and abuse. When that is how one, or both, members of a marriage live every day, those kind of toxic emotions become normalized. In fact, when those kind of strong emotions, even if they are negative, aren’t present, it can feel really uncomfortable. Hence – the trauma bonding. You believe that, in order to feel, you must be with THIS person, even if they make you feel bad!

7 psychological facts about toxic marriages

#2 – Great sex does not mean a great marriage.

I can’t tell you how often I hear this one from clients – that they have amazing sex so their marriage must still be good, right? Well, wrong.

One of the reasons that a sex life can quiet down during a marriage is because of the familiar – that as a relationship normalizes and the initial chemical surges calm down, that drive for sex can be reduced as well. This is not a bad thing – its just they way the chemical reactions in our body work.

When you are in a toxic marriage, those intense emotions have not calmed down. They have, in fact, become heightened over this time, in a negative way. Couples in toxic marriages are more often than not struggling with these strong emotions. Whether it be sadness or anger or contempt or frustration, these kind of heightened emotions can lead to a increased desire for sexual release. As a result, couples who live in this state of conflict more likely than not have more sex then people in calmer marriages.

A great example of this is break up sex, a way more common thing than one might think (and something that I have indulged in more than once – with different boyfriends!). The desire to break up with someone is usually connected in some way to intense emotions of some kind. As a result, we want to have sex, even though we are breaking up. Now, think about a toxic marriage. Pretty much all of the sex in a toxic marriage is break up sex – soon followed, most likely, by make up sex.

Both of which are quite exciting – and very addictive.

#3 – It’s not all your fault.

If there is one thing that all of my clients who are struggling in toxic marriages have in common is that they believe that it is all their fault.

They believe that if they could just be nicer or wear more makeup or be more patient or have more sex or don’t ask for much their relationship could be fixed. And they really believe this. Before they find me, many of my clients have tried one or more of the above in an attempt to fix their marriage.

Well, let me tell you, from personal experience, that your toxic relationship will not be fixed by you not being who you are. Yes, of course, you can change toxic behaviors that you might bring into a relationship but that won’t fix your marriage. Why? Because your toxic marriage is not all your fault!

In every marriage, there are two people and in every marriage there are two people involved in making it good or bad. Perhaps you aren’t as nice to your husband as you might be but I am guessing that you didn’t just wake up one morning and decide to be a bitch. I am guessing that, over time, something has happened in your marriage that led to that behavior. In a healthy marriage, you being a bitch, and what your spouse is doing to cause your to react that way, are both addressed to settle an issue. In a toxic marriage, if one person is willing to take all the blame for its problems, the other person will be happy to give them away.

So, know that fixing yourself isn’t going to fix your relationship. What is happening is not all your fault. I know that it might feel that way – and that perhaps you are even being told that it is that way – but its not!

#4 – You are not kidding anyone, particularly your kids.

I have a client who has four grown children. All of them are embarking on adult relationships of their own and all of them are struggling. We have been working together to try to help her support them. As we have gotten to know each other, I have learned that my client has a husband who is very abusive. Her kids grew up in a home where their father was always angry and their mother was always trying to hide this anger from the kids. She truly thought that she had done a good job doing so..

The reality is is that she wasn’t kidding anyone. While she tried her hardest, her kids were still exposed, over the many years of their childhood, to the toxic behaviors of their father (and to some extent her toxic behaviors because their mother put up with it). As a result, they are now struggling in their own relationship with the girls finding men who don’t treat them well and the boys exhibiting frustration through anger.

This happens all the time – that people believe that they are successfully hiding their toxic marriage from friends and family. And, of course, sometimes it can be done but, more often than not, its just not possible. This is especially the case with children. They have big eyes and ears and hearts and the tangled web of emotions that exist in a toxic marriage are always simmering in the background and their little bodies just soak them right up. And, because they are kids and don’t understand these grown up emotions, the confusion will set them up for a world of hurt!

#5 – Things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Oh goodness – if I had a quarter for every client who tells me that they are waiting for things to go back to the way that they were in the beginning I would be a very rich life coach.

The beginning of relationships are always wonderful. The initial chemical reaction. The emotional connection. The romance. The great sex. The all night talks about hopes and dreams. It’s all the stuff, literally, of fairy tales.

Unfortunately, as a relationship develops, those initial intense emotions shift. In a healthy relationship, they shift in a positive way, one where a couple settles in to a secure, loving relationship. In a toxic relationship, those emotions lead to hurt, anger and disillusionment. Where, my clients wonder, is the person who they fell in love with?

I am afraid that, whether you are in a good marriage or a bad one, your relationship will never be the way that it was in the beginning. Holding onto the hope that it ever will is an exercise in futility. This is particularly the case if you are in a toxic marriage. No matter how hard you work on a relationship, it will never be what it was in the beginning nor will your spouse ever be exactly the person they were.

So, if you are staying in a toxic marriage because you believe that things could go back to the way that they were in the beginning, I am sorry to tell you this but it just won’t happen.

#6 – “We never fight” doesn’t not mean your marriage is fine.

I know that, when my marriage ended, I thought to myself – but we never fight. How can we possibly be getting a divorce? Our marriage was fine enough, right? After all, so many of our friends fought more than we did.

Well, it turns out that not fighting is not the sign of a healthy relationship nor is it the key to getting one.

A healthy marriage is all about communication – whether its positive or negative it’s important for people to be able to speak their truth and be heard. It’s not an easy thing to do – to be honest – but its a very important part of any healthy relationship.

When spouses don’t fight, it means that they aren’t expressing their feelings. It means that they are just stuffing down whatever frustrations they might have to a place where they will simmer until they boil over. My kids tell me that while my ex and I never fought, the tension was always in the air. They knew that we were holding things in and generally knew when they were going to come out.

The biggest gift that our divorce gave them was that they no longer had to wait for those eruptions.

So, if you and your spouse don’t fight – its not a good thing, I am afraid.

#7 – You really do deserve better.

Be honest. How do you feel about yourself these days?

Are you happy with who you are in the world. Do you wake up in the morning with a mostly positive outlook for your day? Do you take care of yourself? Are you being a good friend or a good parent? Do you look at yourself in the mirror and think that you are in pretty good shape?

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t feeling so good about yourself. Any amount of time in a toxic relationship can be really hard on one’s self esteem. Being unhappy or on the receiving side of anger or feeling hopeless about the future are all things that can eat away at one’s self-esteem. And when one’s self esteem is damaged, its difficult to believe that one deserves any better than their unhappy marriage.

I can promise you that you 100% deserve better. We all do. You deserve to love and be loved and not live your days in misery. If you can take that first step fixing or getting out of your toxic marriage you will be taking one step towards rebuilding that self esteem and getting the love that you want.

I know that accepting these psychological facts about toxic marriages might be difficult.

After all, who wants to admit that their marriage is toxic and that something must be done. We make vows when we get married and not one wants to break their vows!

So, take a look at the facts that I have shared. Are they in any way related to your marriage? If yes, its time for you to figure out next steps!

5 Powerful Things Kids Learn When You Seek Help For Your Mental Health

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If you are struggling and thinking about reaching out to a medical professional but are hesitant to do so, perhaps knowing the powerful things kids learn when you seek help for your mental health might help you take that next step.

Recognizing that you might need help and then actually reaching out are very hard things to do. There is such a stigma around mental illness and around medication, and therapy to manage them, that reaching out can feel like a failure.

But reaching out for help with your mental health issues might not only make your life a better place but also improve the life of your kids!

Here are 5 powerful things your kids learn when you ask seek help for your mental health.

#1 – That asking for help is ok.

One lesson that we try to model for our kids over and over is that it’s ok to ask for help and that doing so isn’t a sign of weakness.

But asking for help is very hard to do, mostly because we all want to believe that we can do it ourselves.

Think about your kids learning to walk or ride a bike. Didn’t they want to do it themselves? And didn’t they fall down a lot?

How about your husband when he doesn’t ask for help getting his work project done so he isn’t home for dinner for a week?

How about you knowing that you can’t be in 5 places at once but trying to do so nonetheless and letting everyone down?

All of these examples are people believing that they can do things without help and having to deal with the consequences. By reaching out for help with your mental health, you are teaching your kids a very powerful lesson about how important getting help can be and what a difference it can make.

So, set a good example for your kids reach out to someone who can help you get healthy.

#2 – That honesty is important.

Another important lesson that we try to teach our kids is the importance of being honest, always, and that there can be serious consequences if we aren’t. And the consequences of not being honest about your mental health can be disastrous for the whole family!

Imagine what your kids learn when they see you struggling and not doing anything about it. When you are acting like you got this but you obviously haven’t. When they see you pretending that everything is ok but they know it is not. When they watch you lying to your family/friends/co-workers that everything is fine.

Having the strength to seek help for your mental health is a lesson in honesty that your kids will remember and admire. And they will see the positive consequences that will happen when you are honest with everyone, and with yourself!

#3 – That they are not to blame for your issues.

When my kids were 13 and 14, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had been struggling with my moods for many years and I didn’t really know why. I am sure that I couldn’t face the truth about it as much as I just didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, a breakdown forced me to reach out for help. I am glad I did because I got my diagnosis and I was able to start working towards living with it successfully.

When I told me kids about my diagnosis, my daughter said I am so glad that it wasn’t me making you sad for all of these years.Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, still.

My daughter honestly believed that all of my emotional struggles were her fault. I remember thinking the same thing when my mom was sad  that if I was good enough/smart enough/happy enough, I could fix her. Of course, I couldn’t, and I have spent much of my life wishing that I could have.

Now I know that my mom was struggling with anxiety and her unhappy marriage and that there was nothing that I could have done to fix that. If only we had been able to have a talk about what was going on, if she could have reached out to someone for help, maybe I wouldn’t have all the baggage that I do from a childhood caring for my mother, something that has had a significant effect on who I became as an adult.

Reaching out for help, and being able to put words to your feelings, will only help your kids understand so that they can lead happy lives, unburdened by their self-blame at their parent’s mood!

#4 – That mental health conditions are real.

I can’t tell you how many people I have encountered over the years who tell me that they don’t believe in mental health conditions. That people who struggle with depression, anxiety and more are just weaklings who have to suck it up.

In fact, many mental health issues are issues that are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is a proven fact, much like diabetes happens because one’s body can’t control the insulin production. People have no problem accepting diabetes but, for some reason, it is not the same with mental illness.

We call mental health issues the no casserole disease.If people are diagnosed with cancer, people bring food. If they are diagnosed with depression, people stay away, almost afraid that it will be contagious.

So, one important lesson that your kids will learn if you seek help for your mental health is that mental health conditions are a thing, much like diabetes, a health issue that affects millions of Americans every year. And, if they know this to be true, if and when the time comes that they must manage their own mental health, or that of a loved one, they will know that it is a real thing and something that can be dealt with!

#5 – That there is always hope.

I know that from where I sat, burdened by depression, I had no hope for the future. The likelihood that I would ever be happy again seemed impossible! And I am pretty sure that those feelings were contagious for my kids how could they not be when they were being displayed by their mother day in and day out for years?

But, once I reached out for help, everything changed. With help from my doctor, for the first time I had real hope for the future. For the first time I believed that I could be happy again. And, as I got better and started to believe again, my kids started to feel hopeful as well.

For years they had seen me sad and, in retrospect, I see now how it was affecting their lives. They both struggled with anxiety and my son clung to me in a way that wasn’t helping either one of us! Once I started getting better, my children’s anxiety was greatly lessened and my son was willing to let me out of his sight.

What a gift it was for me, and for them, that reaching out for help with my mental health was the thing that gave us all hope again. Because here we are today, all healthy and successful and connected by something that we all went through together but that their mom resolved for all of us by taking that big step.

There are many important things kids learn when you seek help with your mental health.

When you reach out for help, you are reinforcing those lessons of honesty and the importance of asking for help that you have been modeling the for years. You are also helping them see that what you have struggled with is a real medical issue and not something that is their fault. And, finally, you give them hope something we all need in this scary world.

So, take that step. Reach out for help managing your mental health. You, and your kids, will be glad that you did!

 

5 Reasons You Might Be Feeling So Pessimistic About Life Right Now

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Are you feeling pessimistic about life right now?

Do you wake up in the morning, depressed, not excited about facing your day?

Are you struggling to see anything hopeful in your future?

You are not alone!

Feeling pessimistic about life right now is something that many people, myself included, are feeling. It’s hard not to, with everything that is happening around us.

For many people, when they are feeling pessimistic about life, they tend to turn their anger and sadness inward, blaming themselves for how they are feeling. And that is natural but it’s not necessarily right.

I am writing this blog to help you see the WHY behind you feeling so pessimistic about life right now so that you can take a good look at yourself and make change, change that might help you feel even a little bit better!

Here are 5 reasons you might be feeling so pessimistic about life right now.

#1 – The outside world.

I am not sure that ever in my lifetime have things felt so out of whack all over the world.

I am a huge disaster movie junkie and almost every one of them starts with floods and fires and discontent with the government. And all of those things are happening right now.

No matter whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, I think we can all agree things are changing.

There are 1000 year floods that are taking out whole counties. There are forest fires in places there have never been forest fires before (think Newfoundland, where there are still floating icebergs in the spring) fires that are wrecking irreversible damage to property and the economy.

The tensions between varying sides of the political spectrum are getting higher, with everyone believing, on both sides of the line, that our country is at risk of being taken over by extremists.

The economy is struggling, the real estate market is out of control, Covid hangs on, still sneaking up on us when we least expect it.

Have I made you feel pessimistic about life right now with this lovely list I just shared? I bet I have. And that is the reason I shared it.

If you are struggling, know that the world that we are living in is most likely a huge part of it. I am sure that you are blaming yourself and your love life and, while those may be a part of it, when everything that is going on all around you is wonky, it’s hard to be on an even keel in your personal life!

And what is happening in the world is nothing that you can control but you can control what you do in your little corner of it!

#2 – Your mind set.

Yes, we have established that the world is a messy place and that your mind set is kind of wonky because of it. It’s hard not to focus on everything that’s horrible in the world right now.

But, it is important that you try to not make current events or your own shortcomings where your mind goes regularly.

Our brains are our worst enemies. They are constantly bombarding us with negative statements about ourselves.

They tell us that we are too fat or too thin, not smart enough, not successful enough, not lovable, friendless, aimless, hopeless. The list goes on and on.

And those thoughts can cause A LOT of damage and might be a big part of why you are feeling so pessimistic about life right now.

It is important that you make an effort to push away those thoughts. To keep them from causing damage that will only make things worse.

There are two ways to do that.

The first involves pushing back.

When you go down that dark road, push back on those thoughts. Try to access the truth about what your brain is saying, so that you can get rid of those thoughts and focus on the positive.

I always keep a list of the things that I feel about myself when times are good. I look at that list as a counter to what my brain is saying when times get bad. It works almost every time!

The other thing that you can do, something that is a little bit easier, is to keep your brain busy, even if just for a little while.

Do yoga, read a book, go to the movies, hang out with friends. Something to take you away from those negative thoughts, at least for a little while, to give yourself a break.

#3 – Your self-care.

Be honest with yourself. Have you been taking care of yourself recently?

Has feeling pessimistic about life made it more difficult for you to do the things that make you feel good?

Are you exercising? Are you taking showers? Are you hanging out with friends? Are you eating and sleeping well?

All of those things are a very important of having a positive view of the world, especially if they were things that you used to do regularly.

I am guessing that, if you haven’t been taking care of yourself, not only are you feeling pessimistic about life right now but you are probably struggling with a bit of self-judgment.

Interestingly, it’s a vicious circle which comes first, the pessimism or the lack of self-care?

Did you start feeling badly about your life and let go of your care or did you let go of your care and start to feel badly about your life?

So, ask yourself if you are taking care of yourself in the ways that you always have in the past. If the answer is no, it is time to take that first step towards making change.

Take a walk, call a friend for coffee, skip the ice cream for the day. Whatever you can do to make yourself feel even just a little bit better about life.

#4 – Holding on to the past.

I am one of those people who lives with a ton of regret. And that regret can pull me down to a very dark place.

A few weeks back, someone suggested that, when I get to that place, I tell myself that I was doing the best that I could do at the time. Because it’s true. Who we were in that moment is not the person we are right now.

Are you like most people? Do you have a lot of regrets?

Do you regret breaking up with that guy you remember to be awesome? Do you wish you had majored in marketing instead of English Lit in college? Do you wish that you hadn’t cut off that friend who was bad mouthing you?

Do you believe that if you had just chosen differently in those instances your life would be much better?

I get it but ask yourself “Was that guy really so awesome? You did, after all, break up with him. And would you really have wanted to do marketing as a career, even though it seems rather glamorous? And no one needs a friend who isn’t nice to them.

Furthermore, understand that, just because you didn’t make the choice that you think you should have made, know that, if you had made that choice, you don’t necessarily know if your life would be better. It could very well be worse!

So, don’t focus on the past. Look to the future. I know it might seem pretty bleak right now but the future you can control the past you can’t.

#5 – No vision for the future.

This is a hard one to change when you are feeling pessimistic about life right now.

When we are feeling badly, it is very hard to look to the future with hope.

When we get to a place where our mind is working against us, when we don’t take care of ourselves, when we live in the past, we get so mired in our present agony that we can’t look to the future.

From this point of view, it is literally impossible to try to access any hope for the days to come. And that just makes everything worse.

I always tell people to look to the past to get through this lack of hope for the future. (I know “it’s ironic. I just told you to ignore the past)

What I want them to focus on is all of the times where things were really bleak, when they were in a horrible place with no hope for the future. And what happened to them?

More often than not, they pulled through those dark times and got on with their lives.

Life has ups and downs. And while we all hope that one day we will find happiness that will stick, life will still give us lemons and we will struggle.

But, reconnecting with the strength that we have used in the past to get through bad times can give us hope for the future and maybe even help us start to plan what that future could look like!

I know that it is hard not to feel pessimistic about life right now.

It has been hard not to for the past few years, since some time around March 2020.

But life has its ups and downs and, if you have made it this far, you know what I am talking about.

Just know that it doesn’t have to be this way. While you can’t fix world events, you can focus on yourself. You can take care of yourself, not live in the past, not let your thoughts control you and try to create a vision of your future.

You will not always be in this place. I know it is hard to believe but it’s true.

I promise!

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong during Coronavirus Isolation

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Are you stuck at home with your significant other, wondering how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation? Good for you for being proactive.

Coronavirus has changed, at least temporarily, the everyday life that we Americans have lived for so long. Instead of going to work and school, the grocery store and the movies, we are stuck at home. And if there is nothing that Americans suck at more, it ‘ s staying at home.

One of the first relationship that get frayed during crisis and isolation is often our romantic one. As time, fear and boredom take over, the instinct to take it out on your partner is not small.

There are ways to get through these scary times with your relationship intact, and maybe even stronger. Let me suggest how.

#1 – Respect each other ‘ s fears.

In our house, my boyfriends and my way of dealing with everything that is going on is quite different. I have been obsessed with watching the news and learning everything that I can about what is going on (without getting hysterical). For my partner, he has been keeping up on the news peripherally but generally going about his life.

To his credit, he is happy to sit there and listen to me while I spout out whatever information I might have just learned. What occurred to me yesterday, when I was sharing ‘ ˜just one more thing, ‘ was that I might be driving him crazy and stressing him out by interrupting him all time and sharing whatever tidbit I had discovered.

If your partner is like me and you are more like my partner, are you being supportive and listening? If your partner is lackadaisical and you are stressed out, are you respecting their need to be that way and not insisting that they listen to everything that you have to say?

If you and your partner are reacting differently to this health scare know that, to keep your relationship strong, having a talk about the differences and making an effort to respect those difference will help keep your relationship strong.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s space.

Weekends are lovely at home but, more often than not, when Monday rolls around my guy and I are ready to get back to work and have some space. Not because we don ‘ t love each other madly but because sometimes too much togetherness isn ‘ t necessarily a good thing.

It is important that, to keep your relationship strong during this time where you and your partner might be stuck at home together, you respect each other ‘ s space. That no matter the anxiety, or the boredom, that might be consuming you both, give your partner the time to step back and take care of themselves.

What does that look like at our house? My boyfriend is, as we speak, in the garage working on a car project that he hasn ‘ t been able to get to because he has been working so hard. I am inside, on the couch with my kitty by my side, writing my blog. When I am done, I will make lunch for both of us and then he will go back to the garage and I will do some yoga. Later on, we will take a walk.

Not being in the same space 24/7 is going to be a key part of us getting through all of this together time intact. You can do it too. Because none of us wants to be alone during this time, and no one wants to be even more stressed out because their partner is driving them crazy.

#3 – Respect each other ‘ s needs.

Everybody has needs that help calm them during stressful times. It is important that, right now, we try to identify, respect and meet each other ‘ s needs.

For me, right now I need to be able to putter around my house. Keeping it orderly makes me calmer. I need to be able to cook comfort food, even if it isn ‘ t healthy. Having my feet rubbed during our evening TV makes me happy too.

For my partner, shockingly, it seems to be sex that he needs. I tried to postpone indulging last night and was met with a frown and a pouty face. I indulged him and he was happy. He also finds peace working on any car – solving problems and finding a cure.

Try to figure out what your partner needs during this stressful time. If you can ‘ t identify what they need, ask them. A key part of living together in peace will be by giving each other what you each need.

#4 – Respect your time together.

If there is one thing that couples in America don ‘ t have enough of its time together.

Our crazy work and parenting schedules make it so, at times, couples barely say more than a few words to each other over the course of a day other than ‘ ˜good morning ‘ and ‘ ˜good night. ‘ We are accustomed to this being the way things are but the way things are are rarely good for any relationship.

A wonderful way to take advantage of this time that you and your partner have together, and to keep your relationship strong, is to do things together. Take walks, binge watch ‘ Better Call Saul, ‘ have backgammon marathons, fool around. You have nothing but time right now so make the best of it!

Using this time of coronavirus isolation for good can be just the thing that saves a relationship that is struggling and making stronger one that is intact.

#5 – Respect yourself.

It is important, during this time of crisis, that you respect and care for yourself.

Men and women, both, have a tendency to go into overdrive with care giving and crisis management when confronted with something unknown and scary like the coronavirus. And when we do that, we can suck ourselves completely dry.

Make an effort to take care of yourself. Take baths, take walks, exercise (outdoors), watch cute cat videos on YouTube, play with your kids. Whatever it is that gives you pleasure, even in the short term.

If you find yourself wearing out and getting crabby, think about what they tell us on airplanes – ‘ ˜put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. ‘ That ‘ s what we need to do right now. Even if you are working hard to keep your children feeling safe (and not bored) or dealing with a crabby partner who hates sitting still, make a conscious effort to step back, if only for a bit, and take care of yourself!

Knowing how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation is a key part of getting through the crisis intact.

Don ‘ t belittle your partner ‘ s emotions, share what you both need to get through this, make the most of your time together and take care of yourself!

I know it feels like everything has changed and will never be the same but we will get through this as a nation and our relationship can survive and, even thrive, in spite of it all.

If you have made this far you must really be going a little crazy with isolation.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get crazier.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Places To Find Inspiration When Feeling Depressed

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Are you feeling really down and looking to find inspiration when feeling depressed?

Does the world seem hopeless and do you feel helpless and would you do anything to feel just a little bit better?

Let me help!

Even if you might be feeling hopeless and full of despair, there are things out there in the world that will help you get through your day.

#1 – In the faces of those you love

I remember when my kids were little and I was depressed, the prospect of taking care of them seemed like too much to bear. And then they would smile. I would walk into their room in the morning and be greeted with the kind of smile kids saved for their mothers and it would melt my heart. It would also give me hope that my day, and my life, really was ok and that I could do this.

When we are depressed, being with those who love us is the best thing for us. Looking into the eyes of our mother or our sister or our friend and seeing love and compassion can fill us with the strength to move forward in spite of our depression

Spending time laughing and sharing with people you care about is the best medicine when we are feeling depressed. Who would your person be?

#2 – Out of doors.

An amazing place to find inspiration when feeling depressed is in the great outdoors.

I know that when I am feeling depressed getting out for a walk or a hike is the best thing that I can do. I put my ear buds in, turn up my music loud and walk hard. Or I walk slowly, taking notice of all of that is good out there in the natural world. I pause, sit in the sun and take stock of what is going on around me. There is something about noticing how the big and beautiful the world is that makes my problems seem small and less ugly.

A bonus of getting outside when you are feeling depressed is that you get more sunshine and sunshine, and the Vitamin D that you get from it, is an natural anti-depressant. Many people struggling with depression are Vitamin D deficient so spending time in the sun can remedy that.

What do you like to do outdoors? I know it might feel hard to motivate but get up off the couch right now and get out there. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Your favorite TV show

One of the best things to do when you are feeling depressed is to shut down your brain.

When we are depressed, our brains are our worst enemies. We spend time focusing on how sad we are, what losers we are, how we will never be happy again and how could someone possibly love us. And those thoughts just make everything worse.

What ‘ s the best way to shut down these thoughts? Mindless TV.

I know when I am depressed The Walking Dead is my go-to show. There is something about the end of the world that seems very cathartic to me. I have also learned that adrenaline is a natural antidepressant and I know that helps but I also know the characters well and are invested in their futures. Most of all, it takes my mind off of whatever it is I am stewing about that is bringing me down.

What show could you watch today? After you get yourself off the couch and take a walk that is.

#4 – Where you can make a difference

When I was going through my divorce and was terribly depressed I needed something to do to get out of the house so I decided to do some volunteer work.

Every week I would spend 4 hours working at the food pantry, helping register new customers. Talking to people who needed free food was so helpful for my depression because interacting with these people, listening to their stories and helping them get what they needed made me feel really good. I knew that I was making a difference in someone ‘ s life and that felt really good.

Is there somewhere you can do some volunteer work? The opportunities are endless – animal shelters, libraries, food pantries, hospitals. Get yourself out there making a difference in the world and you will feel your depression lift, if only for a while.

#5 – By taking stock

When I am sitting outside in the grass after taking my fast or slow walk, I like to take stock of all that is good in my life. Instead of running through all of the negatives I review, and write down, all that is good in my life. I have my kids, my boyfriend, my kitty, my home, my life coaching business and much more. Looking at my list helps me manage the hopelessness that is my constant companion when I am depressed.

Another thing that I do, because sometimes it ‘ s hard to take stock when I am feeling down, is that, when I am feeling good, I make a list of all of the things that are good in my life so that I can access it when I am feeling down. When the depression hits, I pull out my list and remember all of the things that make my life worth living and that helps manage my depression in a big way.

What is good in your life? I know it might seem hard to access right now but dig deep. Can you name 3 things? I bet you can!

Finding inspiration when feeling depressed is an excellent way to manage your depression, at least for the short term.

Finding little things that can help you feel better in the moment might really help you pull yourself out of your depression.

That being said, it ‘ s important to remember that, if your depression doesn ‘ t go away or seems to get worse, it is essential that you see your primary care doctor to figure out how to treat it. Managing depression on your own isn ‘ t always possible and the longer it goes untreated the worse it will get.

In the meantime, spend time with friends, get outdoors and take stock of all that is good in your life, do good for others and veg out in front of the TV (but only after your walk).

Depression can be debilitating and good for you for trying to figure out ways to manage it. You are one step closer to having it under control so that you can live your best life!

Are you really how to move forward while feeling depressed?
Let me help, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Things to Know About Surviving a Break Up

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Have you and your person suddenly ended your relationship? Are you devastated? Are you looking for things to know about surviving a break up?

Surviving a break up is possible. It will be painful and your recovery might not be as quick as you would like it to be but you will recover and life will go on, as good, if not better, than before.

I have written many blogs about things you can do that are key to surviving a break up. Now here are some things that are good to know about surviving a break up – things that might make your recovery just a little bit easier.

#1. Its ok to be sad.

So many of my clients are so very angry at themselves for being sad about a break up.

In our modern times, it’s a weakness to be sad, to cry, to be anything less than strong and self-assured. Unfortunately, there is nothing worse than a broken heart and I don’t know one person in the history of the world who hasn’t felt pain after a breakup.

Furthermore, it’s okay to be sad for more than a few days. Have any of your friends told you to suck it up and get over it? Are you beating yourself for still letting this breakup make you so sad? Well don’t.

Like any traumatic event or illness, getting over a broken heart takes time. Americans absolutely suck at taking their time getting over something. As soon as things are even just a little bit better, we believe that we need to jump up and get back to our lives, fully intact. But it just doesn’t work that way.

Let yourself be sad and let yourself be sad for a while. Don’t wallow but recognize your feelings and let them happen. If you stuff them down it will be even harder to get past them.

#2. Your thoughts can derail you.

Our very worst enemy, even in the best of times, are our brains. Our brains produce pesky thoughts that can drive us down to the darkest place. And, unless we are aware of them, our thoughts can make surviving a break up even more difficult.

One of the most common worries that I hear from my clients is that their person, their broken person who was making their lives miserable, will find someone else and suddenly become perfect. That all of the issues that they struggled with will be magically cured with their new lover.

This just doesn’t happen. People aren’t magically cured when they find love. They might feel like they are cured in the short term but the reality is is that people don’t change unless they do their work. So, don’t let the thought of your ex now being perfect derail your recovery. Even if you see them looking picture perfect on Instagram, know that they will always be who they are, unless they try to change.

Another thing that derails us is that the pain of a break up is so bad that the only thing that can fix it is getting back together. And, of course, getting back together will ease your pain for a day or two but, sooner than later, the pain of the relationship will return and you will be right back where you started.

A third thing that can really mess with your head is believing that you are less of a person because of this break up. That you are a failure and completely unloveable and that you just gave up and should have been stronger. But, really, there were two people in that relationship and if you both weren’t willing to do the work, to give each other what you needed, then it just wasn’t fixable. You couldn’t singlehandedly keep the relationship going.

Pay attention to your thoughts. If nasty ones pop up, push back against them. Question their reality.  Don’t let those pesky thoughts derail all of your hard recovery work.

#3 – Stalking wont be helpful.

One of the things that can completely derail surviving a break up is stalking your ex.

When I was younger the only thing that we could do if a guy broke up with us was to drive around to bars and hang outs and hope that we would see him. Chances were usually slim.

These days, it’s incredibly easy to keep tabs on your ex. Social media is at our fingertips always and the inclination to get a little fix of what we lost can be irresistible.

BUT, let me ask you ““ how do you feel after you stalk your ex? Do you ever feel better? No? Shocking.

Stalking is the worst thing that you can do if you are trying to get over your ex. Recovery gets easier the longer you have no contact with your person and that includes seeing them on social media.

So, resist the urge to snoop. If you have to, unfriend or unfollow your ex. And remember, the person who is posting on Instagram isn’t necessarily sharing a true vision of themselves. How many times have you posted an inspirational quote when you were feeling really shitty?

Yeah, me too.

#4 Don’t play the victim.

When we are broken hearted it’s very easy to take on the role of victim.

We feel like our person did us wrong and that they are horrible people and that we didn’t deserve what we got from them. Perhaps we believe that we weren’t at fault and that the breakup was unwarranted. And, perhaps, all of those things are true.  You still don’t want to play the victim.

Being a victim means giving up your power. Being a victim allows you to wallow in self-pity and not take responsibility for your actions.

A client of mine asked his wife for a divorce. She didn’t want one and refused to participate in any of the divorce proceedings. She didn’t hire a lawyer, didn’t show up in court, refused to negotiate and the judge ultimately declared a default divorce decree.

Where did that leave my client’s wife? Sitting in her house, wallowing in her victimhood having taken no active role in deciding her future. When my husband left me, I stood up for myself, declared myself better off without him and then took him to the cleaners.

I encourage you to take a good look at yourself and assess your self-pity. Are you feeling like a victim? If you are, get up from this article, look in the mirror and decide that no one is going to make you feel like less than you are. No one is going to take away your power.

#5. Know that you will find love someday.

The number one thing I hear from my clients is that they believe that they will never love or be loved again.

They believe that their person was the only one for them, that they could never find someone they could love as much as their ex. Or they believe that they aren’t worth being loved and how could they ever find someone who could love them.

Even more, the thought of dating again fills them with anxiety and fear. How on earth are they going to do that, especially feeling the way they do right now?

Let me PROMISE you that you will find love again. Do you know anyone who has been alone forever? Even if you know someone who has been alone for a while, they haven’t been alone forever. There is someone else out there for them and for you!

So, believe that you will love again. There is someone out there waiting for you to recover from this breakup and when you find each other all of the suffering will have been worth it!

I know that right now you believe that surviving a break up is close to impossible but I promise you it’s not.

If you can keep in mind that it’s ok to be sad, that your thoughts can derail you, that stalking is always bad idea, that you will be loved again some day then your road to recover can be a speedy one.

And, most importantly, don’t play the victim. Don’t let your ex take your power away. Stand up for yourself and remember who you are! Because you are amazing!

Are you really struggling with surviving a break up?
Let me help, NOW, before it gets out of control!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

Feeling Depressed All The Time? How To Know When It’s Time To Ask For Help

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Are you feeling depressed all the time?

Are you really sad, not yourself and not enjoying your life?

Your friends are telling you that it will pass. To snap out of it. But you are wondering if you can. You are wondering if maybe it ‘ s time to ask for help.

I know when I was struggling with undiagnosed depression there were indicators that it was time to get help. I didn ‘ t see them at the time but there are indicators that I have learned, as a life coach and as a formerly depressed person, to spot.

#1 – Can you get out of bed or off the couch?

If you are feeling depressed all the time and find it really difficult to rouse yourself, then it might be time to get help.

How much time do you spend on the couch or in bed? You aren’t necessarily tired but the prospect of getting up is just too daunting to face. So, perhaps you stay horizontal all day, watching Netflix and feeling like a loser.

This habit is a significant indicator of depression. People who have been diagnosed with depression tell of the great lengths they go to stay out of bed. Of stripping the sheets, taking the mattress off of the box spring and leaning it against the wall, locking the bedroom door. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and wallowing in their depression.

If you are finding yourself horizontal more often than not, it ‘ s definitely time to get help!

#2 -Do you no longer love the things you love?

Have you lost interest in doing the things that you have always loved?

Does the idea of going to school or seeing friends or going out to dinner just seem like too much to bear?

People who are depressed isolate themselves. The energy that it takes to get out of bed and interact with others is overwhelming. So, they don’t.

Ironically, going out and doing the things that you love is a great way to alleviate depression temporarily. Unfortunately, the treatment can often seem too daunting to undertake and so people who are depressed just stay home.

If you find yourself isolating and dreading doing the things that used to make you happy then it just might be time to get help1

#3 -Do you have overwhelming feelings of hopelessness and dread?

Do you spend much of your time running all sorts of negative thoughts through your head about how horrible your life is? What a loser you are and how no one will ever love you? Are you 100% confident that this will never change?

Does the idea of going for a run or talking to your mother or spending time with your partner just feel impossible because you feel so worthless?

People who are depressed believe that all of those negative thoughts that run through their head. Unfortunately, they also believe, falsely, that it will always be this way!

What many depressed people don ‘ t realize is that, when one is depressed, future things can only seem hopeless. Why? Because, when one ‘ s mind is in such a dark place, it ‘ s impossible to believe that the future will be any different than it is now.

The good news is that once the depression is addressed that feeling of hopelessness can disappear completely!

So, if you are feeling depressed all the time and full of hopelessness and dread, get some help!

#4 – Are you are impatient with those you love?

Do you find yourself losing your patience with those you love? Do you scream at your kids if their homework doesn’t get done? Do you sneer at your husband if he asks you what is wrong? Can you not even talk to your mom anymore because her incessant questioning is just too much?

Impatience with those you love is a huge indicator of depression. The sense of the hopelessness that our condition will never change and that we are worthless makes it intolerable for us to interact with others, particularly those who love us and want the best for us.

Ironically, it is that love exactly that we need most in our life when we suffer from depression. Pushing that love away ultimately can make the depression worse.

So, reach out to your doctor if your impatience and irritability are getting the best of you and effecting your life!

#5 – Have your sleep habits and/or appetites changed?

Have you found that recently your appetite has changed? Do you find yourself indulging more than usual in Ben and Jerry ‘ s and Oreos? Or do you find that you have no taste for food at all? Have you lost weight and find yourself listless because you aren’t eating?

Do you find that you can ‘ t sleep at all, that your nights are long and filled with thoughts of hopelessness and dread?

Or do you find yourself sleeping too much? Is the only relief that you get from your depression through sleep?

Changes in eating and sleeping patterns can indicate depression. When depression goes untreated we often self-medicate with food, often to one extreme or another. Which is not healthy and can make the depression worse.

Or course, eating and sleeping well is an important part of dealing with depression. And failing to do so only makes the feelings of hopelessness and despair worse.

If you are feeling depressed all the time then it ‘ s time to get treated.

Untreated depression only gets worse.

Unfortunately, we hate to admit to being depressed because our loved ones, and society as a whole, tend to stigmatize those with depression.

So, ask yourself if you have any of the symptoms above. Are you listless and full of hopelessness? Is the joy in your life gone? Are you impatient and irritable and have your sleep patterns changed?

If you any of these are true, seek professional help immediately. Call your primary care provider and tell her exactly how you have been feeling, using this article as a reference if you like.

Treating depression is easy. Living with it is not.

Is your depression threatening to make a mess of your life?
Let me help, NOW, before it gets out of control!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed All The Time? How To Know When It’s Time To Get Help

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Are you feeling depressed all the time? Are you not enjoying your life? Do you wish that things could be different?

Are your friends are telling you that it will pass. To snap out of it. But you are wondering if you can? Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to ask for help?

There are ways to tell if seeking help for your depression is the right thing for you.

#1 – Can you get out of bed or off the coach?

How much time do you spend on the couch or in bed? You aren’t necessarily tired but the prospect of getting up is just too daunting to face. So, you stay horizontal all day, watching Netflix and feeling like a loser.

This habit is a significant indicator of depression. People who have been diagnosed with depression tell of the great lengths they go to stay out of bed. Of stripping the sheets, taking the mattress off of the box spring and leaning it against the wall, locking the bedroom door. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and wallowing in their depression.

If you are feeling depressed all the time and finding that your bed is your favorite and safest place then it might definitely time to get help.

#2 – Do you still do the things you love?

Have you lost interest in doing the things that you have always loved?

Does the idea of going to school or seeing friends or going out to dinner just seem like too much to bear?

People who are feeling depressed all the isolate themselves. The energy that it takes to get out of bed and interact with others is overwhelming. So, they don’t.

Ironically, going out and doing the things that you love is a great way to alleviate depression temporarily. Unfortunately, the treatment can often seem too daunting to undertake and so people who are depressed just stay home.

If you are isolating yourself then it might definitely be time to seek help.

#3 -Are you feeling hopeless and full of dread?

Do you spend much of your time running all sorts of negative thoughts through your head about how horrible your life is? What a loser you are and how no one will ever love you? Are you 100% confident that this will never change?

People who are depressed believe that all of the negative thoughts that run through their head. Unfortunately, they also believe, falsely, that it will always be this way!

The truth is is that when one is depressed things can only seem hopeless because when one ‘ s mind is in such a bad place it ‘ s impossible to believe that the future will be any different.

The good news is that once the depression is addressed that feeling of hopelessness can disappear completely so perhaps it ‘ s time to get help!

#4 – Are you impatient or quick to anger?

Do you find yourself losing your patience with those you love? Do you scream at your kids if their homework doesn’t get done? Do you sneer at your husband if he asks you what is wrong? Can you not even talk to your mom anymore because her incessant questioning is just too much?

Impatience with those you love is a huge indicator of depression. The sense of the hopelessness that our condition will never change and that we are worthless makes it intolerable for us to interact with others, particularly those who love us and want the best for us.

Ironically, it is that love exactly that we need most in our life when we suffer from depression. Pushing that love away ultimately can make the depression worse.

If you are finding yourself pushing away those you love it ‘ s time to get help.

#5 – Are you eating and sleeping?

Have you found that recently your appetite has changed? Do you find yourself indulging more than usual in Ben and Jerry ‘ s and Oreos? Or do you find that you have no taste for food at all? Have you lost weight and find yourself listless because you aren’t eating?

Are you having trouble sleeping? Do you stay up all night watching TV or roll around in bed thinking about terrible things?

Changes in eating patterns can indicate depression. When depression goes untreated, we can self-medicate with food, often to one extreme or another. Which is not healthy and can make it all worse.

Furthermore, not sleeping will only make your depression worse. Sleep deprivation can have more of an effect on one ‘ s health than anyone else.

If you are struggling with eating and/or sleeping then you are definitely depressed and it might be time to get treated.

Feeling depressed all the time is not good and the longer it goes untreated the worse it can get.

Unfortunately, we hate to admit to being depressed because our loved ones, and society as a whole, tend to stigmatize those with depression.

So, ask yourself if you have any of the symptoms above. If you do, seek professional help immediately. Call your primary care provider and tell her exactly how you have been feeling, using this article as a reference if you like. Treating depression is easy. Living with it is not.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed all the time.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Suddenly Depressed? Why Your Depression Seems To Come Out of Nowhere

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Are you finding yourself suddenly depressed?

Did everything seem just fine and now suddenly you find yourself sad, hopeless and full of despair?

I know feeling depressed is really disheartening but a big part of accepting and managing it is knowing where it comes from.

So, why might you be suddenly depressed?

#1 – Your chemistry is off.

For many people, being suddenly depressed comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain. This kind of depression is known as chemical depression and it ‘ s something that you have no control over and that can sneak up on you.

Chemical imbalances can be caused by many things – trauma, genes, ill health and brain injury. It is not something that is caused by weakness or lack of character nor is it your fault. Many people feel that their depression is a sign of weakness but, if you are chemically depressed, being the strongest person on the planet would make not one bit of difference.

Fortunately, you can treat chemical depression with therapy and/or medication. See your primary care doctor right away if you suspect you might be struggling with chemical depression. He or she can help you get the proper treatment so that you can go back to being happy and hopeful.

#2 – You have been overindulging.

Many people don ‘ t know that not taking care of our bodies and overindulging can lead to depression.

New research is showing the connection between the brain and the stomach and they are discovering that when the stomach is sick, the brain becomes ill.

Have you ever noticed how, if you spend a weekend overindulging on really bad food, or you eat something that doesn ‘ t agree with you, you find yourself feeling not quite yourself. Maybe a little bit more down than usual or flat out depressed? This is most likely because your tummy flora is off and it ‘ s causing a short-term chemical imbalance in your brain which could be affecting your mood.

How about after a night of drinking? Do you find yourself feeling depressed the next day, not wanting to go to work or hang out with your friends? Did you know that drugs and alcohol can both lead to short term depression?

Alcohol is a natural depressant, which is why it chills us out at the end of a long day. But too much alcohol depresses the nervous system and even after we have stopped drinking it stays in our bodies for hours and can cause depression.

It is important that we take care of ourselves every day. Eat right and drink moderately. One thing my doctor recommended was a daily probiotic to help me manage my moods. I know when my tummy is good, my head is good.

#3 – It has been there all along, hiding.

For many of us, depression can sneak up on us. We think that we are fine, fine, fine and then suddenly we are not.

But the reality is that often our depression comes into our lives gradually and we only notice it when it reaches full strength.

Think about the past weeks and months of your life – what has been going on? Have there been life events that might have led gradually to this ‘ ˜sudden ‘ depression?

I know that my spring and summer have been hard. First my dog died and then a friend committed suicide and then my son was in the hospital and then I travelled overseas (which was amazing but exhausting) and then my friend ‘ s mother died and all that time I was taking care of clients.

I was depressed. Did I notice? Nope, not until my therapist pointed it out.

So, take a good hard look at what has been happening in your life. Maybe the depression isn ‘ t so sudden after all.

#4 – It could be the time of year.

Every year many of us are affected by something called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

People who are struggling with SAD are people whose mood changes with the seasons. For many people, SAD happens during the long winter months. The cold weather and limited sunshine can have a debilitating effect on a person ‘ s mental health.

SAD can be hard to recognize and it can progressively get worse as the season goes on. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with SAD. Light therapy is a great way to help with SAD. As is vitamin D. Or a trip to Jamaica

Talk to your doctor about managing your SAD. You will be glad you did.

#5 – You just are.

When we are feeling depressed we tend to cast around for a reason. The sadness is uncomfortable and if we can just find something to explain it then we think we will feel better.

And yes, identifying the cause of depression can be the first step towards managing it. But sometimes there is no cause. Sometimes we are just depressed.

I have a friend who called me last summer, frantic because she had been feeling really blue for a few days. I have known this friend for 20 years and I knew that she was one of those people who was generally pretty steady, mood-wise. So, we both were a bit taken aback by her sadness.

We talked it through, considered her chemistry, what had been happening in her life, if she had been taking care of herself, whether or not she had been blue like this before and guessed it wasn ‘ t SAD. We couldn ‘ t pinpoint a cause so we decided to wait it out a week or so and see what happened.

Fortunately, a few days later she called me and told me the cloud had lifted, that she was feeling more like her old self. Nothing had happened to change anything – she just realized one day that she was feeling better.

The world can be a difficult place and sometimes all it takes is the news or a fight with your boyfriend or a bad grade at school to send us off to a dark place. And when that happens, riding it out can be just the solution.

That being said, depression isn ‘ t something to be taken lightly and if your depression doesn ‘ t clear up in a reasonable time, definitely seek some professional help.

Feeling suddenly depressed can be really scary. Really scary.

But understanding why you might be so can go a long way towards helping you manage your sadness.

Talk to your doctor about your brain chemistry, consider what has been happening in your life recently, make sure you are taking care of yourself and take stock of the weather.

It is important that, if you are depressed, you deal with it right away. Depression that goes untreated will only get worse. So, deal with your depression today!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with depression.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

7 Warning Signs of Depression That You Need To Know

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Are you wondering what signs of depression look like? Are you feeling not yourself and wondering if you are depressed?

Below a list of 7 warning signs of depression that are important for you to know right now! The earlier you diagnose depression, the easier it is to treat.

#1 – Hopelessness.

Are you struggling with feelings of hopelessness? When you think about the future are you filled with dread because your future looks so bleak?

When we are depressed, looking to the future in a positive way is literally impossible. When we are depressed it ‘ s hard to imagine that we will ever feel any differently than we do right now so the idea that the future might be bright is impossible to imagine.

It ‘ s important that we recognize that hopelessness is one of the signs of depression because hopelessness is one of most insidious signs of depression because it can lead to thoughts of suicide.

So, understand that your hopelessness is in your head because of your depression and that seeking help is the best thing you can do to manage it.

#2 – Changes in sleeping patterns.

Are you having trouble sleeping? Are you sleeping way more than you used to?

Changes in sleeping patterns is one of the major signs of depression. We sleep less because we often lie awake with thoughts of hopelessness and dread keeping us up.

On the other hand, we sleep more because our body feels heavy and our mind is tired and sleep is the ultimate escape, if only for a bit.

If your sleep patterns have changed, recognize that it is one of the signs of depression and seek treatment.

#3 – Lack of interest.

Are the things that have always made you happy things that you now find unthinkable to do?

I know when I get depressed doing things that I have always loved to do, like hiking or reading or life coaching, are almost impossible. Instead, I lay around and watch TV and shut myself off from the things that make me happy.

And lying around watching TV actually sinks me into a deeper depression then I had before. Ironic, no?

So, if you are struggling to do the things that you love, you might be suffering from depression and it ‘ s time to seek help.

#4 – Listlessness.

One of the easiest signs of depression to notice is a distinct listlessness.

Do you have less energy than you used to? Does getting off the couch or out of bed seem simply impossible?

I always say that my depression is a 100lb gorilla on my back, one who comes along with me doing my everyday day tasks but who makes doing them way more difficult because of it ‘ s weight

So, if you are struggling more than before with having the energy to live your life, you might be depressed and, again, seeking help would be a good idea.

#5 – Anger & impatience.

Do you find yourself quick to anger or impatient with those you love more than you used to?

Are your co-workers complaining because you are difficult to work with? Is your husband staying away because your irritation with him has grown? Do you find the kid ‘ s bedtime routine can enrage you in a way that it hasn ‘ t before?

Being more angry and impatient than usual can be one of the signs of depression and seeking help will be important before that anger harms your life and your relationships.

#6 – Isolating.

One of major signs of depression is that tendency to isolate.

When we are depressed, the idea of spending time with other people is almost unbearable. The thought of interacting with people in any way fills us with such a feeling of hopelessness and dread that we just can ‘ t do it.

Ironically, one of the best coping skills for managing depression is to spend time with those you love, to laugh and live and push that depression to the side, if only for a while.

Are you finding yourself wanting to keep away from others more than usual? If you do, you could be depressed and I encourage you to get help before your isolation makes everything worse.

#7 – Self-loathing.

One of the biggest signs of depression but one of the hardest to spot is self-loathing.

People who are depressed, people who are hopeless, listless, angry and isolated, are people who don ‘ t like themselves.

They don ‘ t like the behaviors they are displaying, the hurt they are causing people, the lack of interest in things that make them happy. They feel bad because getting up off the coach is truly impossible and what a loser they must be.

Furthermore, because there is such a stigma around depression, people who are depressed blame themselves for their mind set. They believe it when people tell them to Suck it up or Snap out of it.

They believe that, because they can ‘ t manage their mood, they are in fact a loser.

And believing that you are a loser will only exacerbates your depression.

So, if you are struggling with your self-esteem right now, in a way that you haven ‘ t before, then you could very well be depressed.

I want you to know, very clearly, that this depression is NOT your fault. It is something that has happened because of a chemical change or a life occurrence. It ‘ s not something that you can just brush off. But it is something that you can deal with by seeking help.

So, do it!

Noticing the signs of depression is a key part of accepting that you might be depressed.

An important part of managing your depression is accepting it and you can more easily do that by looking out for the signs.

So, notice if you are feeling hopeless, have a change in your sleeping patterns, if you have no energy or interest in doing things, if you are quick to anger and you if really don ‘ t like yourself.

The quicker that you seek treatment, the easier your depression will be to manage.

I struggled my whole life with depression but wasn ‘ t diagnosed until I was 42. Think of all of the life that I wasted being sad. Don ‘ t let that be you!

 

Do youwantto know more about how to recognize depression?
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