5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

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Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Surviving Repeated Infidelity: Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

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Has your partner cheated on you over and over and over? Are you wondering about surviving repeated infidelity, whether it ‘ s time for you to stay in or get out of the relationship?

Whether your partner has cheated on you once or cheated on you multiple times, your pain is real and your feelings are overwhelming and asking yourself how you are going to get through this is really important.

There are a few questions that you can ask yourself to help you make the decision about whether you should stay or you should go.

#1 – Is your partner truly remorseful?

Surviving repeated infidelity and keeping your relationship intact is harder than if the infidelity is a one-time thing but there is one element that is essential as the first step to get past both kinds of affairs: remorse.

If your partner is fooling around on you over and over and over then it ‘ s important that they accept responsibility for their actions.

Do they truly show you remorse and acknowledge that what they did was wrong and how much they hurt you? Or do they try to put some (or all) of the blame back on you – that you were ignoring them or not having sex with them or some other sort of excuse that lets them off the hook?

If your partner can ‘ t or won ‘ t acknowledge their responsibility for the affair then it is very possible that it will happen again. Even if it doesn ‘ t happen again, the rest of your relationship could involve them blaming you for their actions.

So, take a good hard look at your partner. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and the pain they caused you? If not, perhaps it ‘ s time for you to go.

#2 – Is your partner willing to get help?

Serial infidelity is not something that happens in a void. People who fool around over and over are people who are struggling with who they are in some way.

People who have a single affair don ‘ t generally set out to have an affair. There is something missing in their marriage, maybe something they aren ‘ t even aware of. And then they meet someone, maybe at work, someone who is having the same experiences as they and they strike up a friendship. As the friendship grows, so do the feelings between the two of them. Eventually, this connection can lead to an affair.

People who cheat more than once on their partner, either one at a time or perhaps with multiple other partners, are generally people who set out to have an affair. And the reasons that they set out to have the affairs are many.

Perhaps they are feeling unhappy in their primary relationship and seek someone who understands them. Perhaps they want more sex then they are getting in their current relationship. Perhaps they need to have sex with more than one person to feel good about themselves. Perhaps they have abandonment issues that make them need to leave the person they are with so that they aren ‘ t left. Perhaps they are struggling with trust issues and don ‘ t believe that anyone could be faithful to them.

The list of reasons why someone cheats repeatedly is endless but what is important for deciding whether to stay or go is whether your person is willing to take a good hard look at why they cheat repeatedly and agree to get some help to manage it.

I do believe that relationship counseling can help move the relationship towards a resolution but I think that it ‘ s essential that the cheater gets some help to understand and deal with the source of their cheating.

So, if your person is willing to get help, then perhaps staying, at least for now, is a good idea.

#3 – Do you still like your partner?

An important question to ask about surviving repeated infidelity is whether or not you still like your person.

I have a client whose husband cheated on her. She was so very angry and we talked a lot about her anger and sense of betrayal. And then one day I asked her ‘ ˜Do you still like your husband? I know you are angry with him but do you still like him? ‘

My client didn ‘ t have a clear answer about that but we worked through it and she decided that yes, while she was angry, she still liked, and loved, her husband.

I know many partners of cheaters who do not like their person after they cheat. They feel hurt and anger and they also feel hatred. That hatred is hard to overcome no matter how much therapy a couple attends. For others, love stays in spite of the betrayal.

So, ask yourself, do you still like you partner? If not, then perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away.

#4 – Can you forgive and move on?

An essential part of surviving repeated infidelity is not about your partner but about you. Can you forgive and move on?

There are two people to forgive in the aftermath of infidelity – your partner, of course, but also yourself. Yes, yourself.

For many of us who are cheated on we are left with a tremendous amount of self-loathing. How could we have missed the signs? Why were we not good enough? Was it our body or our face or our personality or our lack of good sexual techniques that sent our partner out to find someone else? And if your partner cheated on you repeatedly, the self-loathing could be magnified.

It is important that we not only forgive our partners for their infidelity but also forgive ourselves for any perceived shortcomings that we might be holding on to.

#5 – Can you see finding a new connection?

I know that right now you are feeling angry and wondering if you could possibly ever actually connect with your partner again. Perhaps you are feeling insecure that you could never give them what they got from their lover. Perhaps you don ‘ t know if you could possibly trust them or see them in the same way again.

An important consideration as to whether you should stay or go is can you see yourself being able to form a new connection with your partner, one that might be different from the connection that you had before.

One of things that happen after affairs is that the original couple gets shattered. The bedrock that held the couple together, the love, the little inside jokes, the patterns and routines are all gone and the couple must reinvent their relationship, to make it other than what it was that opened it up to infidelity, so that it can survive.

Are you and your partner willing to do that? Do you both see a path to finding each other again? To establishing a new path so that you can grow stronger together and build a new relationship full of love and trust.

It might be difficult but, if you can do it, you might just be successful in surviving repeated infidelity.

Surviving repeated infidelity can be a big struggle, bigger even than surviving a one-time affair.

Asking yourself, and your partner, the tough questions will give you the answers you need as to whether you should stay or you should go.

Is your partner taking responsibility for their actions? Are they willing to get help to identify why they repeatedly cheat? Do you still like your partner, can you forgive and move on? Do you see a path to a new relationship? All of these things are important to take into account when figuring out what your next steps are.

This won ‘ t be easy but I can promise you that you will survive it!

 

If you have made this far you must be focused on surviving repeated infidelity.

Let me help you figure things out, NOW, so you can a decision and move foward.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do Before Letting Go of Finding Love

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There comes a time in everyone ‘ s life when they are thinking about letting go of finding love.

For a long time now, they have been doing everything that they can do to find the person of their dreams – online dating, being social at parties, asking friends to set them up etc. And, even if they meet someone, that someone doesn ‘ t turn out to be the person for them.

It ‘ s exhausting, this dating game, and at times it seems hopeless. But I am here to tell you that it ‘ s not!

Before you give up, there are some things that are important to do to set yourself up for finding the love of your life. I know that they work. I tried them and, 2 years in, I am living happily ever after!

#1 – Check yourself.

An important thing to do when you are considering letting go of finding love is making sure that you are in love with yourself.

Many people seek love and affirmation from an another person. It is only through their lover ‘ s eyes that they can feel whole and happy. Only in the company of their person can they feel strong and confident and worthy of love.

Who, may I ask, needs this kind of pressure? Certainly not your person.

As a result, because we don ‘ t love and know ourselves, our relationships fail.

So, if you are afraid that you may never find true love, take some time and get to know yourself. Take a good look at who you are in the world. What your goals and values are.

Get to know the person you are outside of relationships. Is there a part of that person who might need some attention? Would understanding that part of yourself and helping that part heal feel good?

After my divorce, I worked hard on figuring out who I was. I did lots of therapy, tons of yoga and took many long walks. I volunteered at a food shelter and learned the value of purpose and giving back. I spent time alone, not always by choice, but I learned to really appreciate it.

And then, when I was ready, I started my own life-coaching business and began public speaking. I renewed my sense of purpose and my self-confidence grew exponentially. It was then that I met my guy. And because of how I felt about myself, I was able to give myself fully to love without being clingy or needy. It felt good!

I know it seems daunting, getting to know ourselves and doing the work outside of a relationship but it is, I can promise, the most important thing that you can do to ensure that you will someday find real love.

#2 – Look away.

Sometimes, an important part of finding true love is to stop looking for it. Sometimes, the dogged pursuit of something only pushes it farther away.

Do you spend all of your free time thinking about your potential partner? Do you spend hours swiping right and left and engaging in conversations that go nowhere? Do you find yourself more often than not discouraged by your journey?

If this is the case, then perhaps it ‘ s time to take a break and focus on something else. Perhaps you can dig into your work a little deeper or volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Perhaps you can train for a marathon or take that trip you have always wanted to take. Anything that would make you happy and feel fulfilled and allow you to do some of the work that I talked about above.

The benefits of giving yourself a break from dating are many. Not having that daily discouragement caused by dating can do wonders for your moods and your feelings of hopelessness. Doing things that you love can fill you up with that happiness that will allow you to attract happy people. AND, putting yourself out in the world will open you up to many new opportunities to meet other people. You never know, one of those people might be your person and you never might have met them with your eyes on your phone, swiping.

If you are considering letting go of finding love, stop looking so hard. Live your life a little.You will be glad you did.

#3 – Reassess.

Does your dating profile contain well defined specifics about what you want in a guy? Do you have criteria about height, income, location, age and marital status? Do you tend not to even consider people outside of those definitions?

How is that working out for you so far?

Allowing yourself to only consider a narrow swath of the population as a good fit for you really limits your chance at finding happiness. I know that we all have a ‘ ˜type ‘ but that ‘ ˜type ‘ hasn ‘ t necessarily worked for us so far so perhaps it ‘ s time to find another ‘ ˜type. ‘

I know that if I had met my guy on a dating site I would have swiped right past him. He was separated, living in NH, 5 years older than me and he had a mustache!! Never in a million years would I have gone out with him. Luckily, I met him IRL and connected with him immediately.

So, take a good hard look at your criteria and see where you might be able to broaden things. Give some people a chance who you might not have previously done so. Do things differently and things might end up differently.

#4 – Look back.

Another very important thing to do before letting go of finding love is to take a good hard look at what has happened in our previous relationships. By doing so, we can get a good sense of what we want and what we don ‘ t want in our next one. We can define what went wrong and figure out how to do things differently.

I know that a big thing for me is to have a guy who does what he says he will do. I know that ‘ s not always possible but I want not doing it to be the exception and not the rule.

It took me 20 years of marriage and 5 years of post-divorce dating to figure this out. And once I was able to figure it out I was able to ask for what I wanted – to have my guy follow up on what he said he would do.

There were other things that were important to me, like reasonable alcohol consumption, a good relationship with family and similar values, and being able to identify those allows me to look out for them when I was dating. More importantly, knowing these things allows me to see the red flags when they popped up before I got too attached.

So, take some time and revisit what has happened in your past relationships so that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again. Doing so will help you find the true love that you have always sought.

#5 – Believe.

A key part of finding true love, even if you are afraid that you will never do so, is to believe that you will.

I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but if you don ‘ t believe, if you give up and are lonely and bitter, then your being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that only if you have faith that something will happen does it happen.

A few years back, when I was feeling as lost as you might be right now, I created a love dream for myself. I wrote a few paragraphs about what I wanted my love future to be. It involved my love for myself, the way my man made me feel and what our life looked like.

I kept that love dream somewhere where I could read it often and I did. Reading and rereading it gave me hope, even in dark times.

I found that love dream a few months ago, tucked away in a pile of papers. Literally everything that I had envisioned for myself 5 years ago has come true. So, don ‘ t give up. Believe that your love is out there. I know they are.

If you are thinking about letting go of finding love, I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to make sure that you do live happily ever after.

First and foremost, take a step back if you need to and get to know and love yourself. Make sure that you know who and what you want in a relationship because it ‘ s hard to find things if you don ‘ t know what you are looking for. And, most importantly, don ‘ t give up. Love is out there for you – just you wait!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of finding love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before your give up.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

8 Things To Try When Feeling Depressed And Lonely

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You know those days when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Let me help you manage the depression and loneliness. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that make you feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed all of the time, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed and lonely, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed you are ready.

#3 – Manage your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone. Or rather three!

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5 – Share your feelings.

Sharing your depression and loneliness with another person is a key part of dealing with it.

They say that what is kept inside the head is 4x more intense than what is spoken. Also, if you share your depression you might learn something that will help you manage it. We all have things that work for us and sharing them with others can be very helpful.

If you have someone you can talk with about your depression and loneliness then absolutely do it. Be it a therapist, a life coach, a friend or a partner, let those overwhelming thoughts out of your head and into the world.

From there your thoughts have a reduced power and are easier to deal with.

#6 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#7 – Find a friend.

I know. When you are feeling depressed and lonely one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#8 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse. Which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely all of the time it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed and lonely.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Reasons Why Letting Go Of A Past Love Is Crucial To Your Happiness

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Is there anything harder to do than letting go of a past love?

Do the memories of the happiness you felt in that relationship keep you from moving on with your life and being happy?

If your answer is yes, then you are like many people in the world, people who are crippled by their broken heart and unable to get past it.

I believe that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness here and now as well as your chances of being happy in the future.

#1 – Your sadness is holding you back.

One thing about sadness and depression is that it holds you back from living fully.

Do you find that you would rather stay home, feeling sad, waiting hopefully to hear from your person? Do your friends find you tiresome to be with because all you can do is talk about your ex and so they no longer invite you out? Do you find, if you are out, that you have a hard time having fun because you are pre-occupied by thoughts of your ex.

It is very hard to be happy, to live your life fully, if you are stuck in the past. Thoughts of what were and might have been keep you from looking at the life you are living right now, and to appreciate things, small and big, that are wonderful.

And, if you don ‘ t notice the world around you, if you don ‘ t engage in it fully, you can never find the happiness you seek.

#2 – That baggage is really heavy.

One of the most important reasons that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness is because of the weight of the baggage from that past love.

I have a client who is was in a 10 year relationship with someone who treated her horribly. He was an alcoholic who lied to her and cheated on her repeatedly. She hung on for 10 years, hoping it would all work out. But, in the end, she couldn ‘ t hold on any longer. She had to leave him before she lost herself completely.

Unfortunately, the relationship had caused her a significant amount of damage. She no longer trusted anyone, she was very sensitive to other ‘ s drinking, she felt easily abandoned and she didn ‘ t feel worthy of love. She seemed like a functioning person in the world but she wasn ‘ t.

So, when she got involved with a new guy she brought all of the baggage that she had from her previous relationship into her new one. She didn ‘ t trust him at all, counted his drinks, was very sensitive to his absences and obsessed about how he could possibly love her.

We worked hard on identifying those triggers for her, to recognize that she was projecting the behaviors of the old guy onto the new one which was making her miserable and threatening to destroy her new relationship.

Only once she accepted and worked through the issues that were her baggage was she able to accept her new guy as he was and put her ex in the rearview mirror.

#3 – You will never find someone else.

Do you want to find someone to love who will love you completely? Are you struggling to find that person in spite of how much you would like to?

Unfortunately, it will be literally impossible to find someone new if you are obsessing about your ex. If you are spending all of your time staying home depressed or, when you are out, not picking up your head and seeing what is out there, then even if someone does come along you might not see them.

It is important that you put your energy out there as a single, available person in the world, not someone who is mired in misery because of a past break up.

I remember when I got together with my guy. I literally had my head in my hands on a bar, talking to a good friend. I was devastated at yet another break-up with my ex. The pattern was killing me. My friend reminded me of a friend of his who I had met and remarked upon a few months back and told me that this guy was attending his dance party that weekend. My head shot up out of my hands and I saw what could be my future instead of my past. I went to that dance party and the rest is history.

#4 – Extreme emotions are bad for you.

One thing I know about letting go of a past love is that it ‘ s fraught with big emotions.

You feel angry, sadness, despair, hopelessness, self-loathing and insecurity. Those feelings can all coexist or come and go separately from each other. And those emotions can suck the life out of you.

Feeling extreme emotions can be very debilitating. The long term damage caused to your body, and mind, by anger and sadness are quite profound.

Many people don ‘ t realize that your muscles absorb your emotions, especially if you are stuffing them down. This can lead to physical problems, such as a sore back or a frozen shoulder or worse. Your mind can get exhausted by the constant barrage of feelings and you could have a hard time concentrating. The thoughts in your head could keep you from sleeping, which isn ‘ t good for anyone.

If your body, and mind, are in pain, consider the fact that letting go of a past love is the best thing that you can do for both your mental and physical health.

#5 – You can keep your friends.

When we are going through a break up, our friends are a valuable resource. They love us unconditionally and want to support us through our pain. They are willing to listen, to assure us that our exes are horrible people and remind us how amazing we are. Getting through break ups without friends is very difficult.

Unfortunately, sometimes there is a statute of limitations that our friends put on their willingness to support us through a break up. The threshold can change but sooner or later our friends might tell us to get over it and let it go, that it ‘ s time to move on and live our lives.

And, when we don ‘ t or can ‘ t do that, they get sick of us and choose not to spend time with us. Not having your friends is a horrible thing in any situation and especially during a time we are feeling vulnerable from a break up.

So, an excellent reason that letting go of a past love is crucial is that you will keep your friendships intact. After all, your people were with you before your ex and will be with you long after. How lucky are you?

Letting go of a past love is absolutely crucial to moving forward and being happy.

Holding on to past love can be damaging to our body, it can cause us to lose our friends, it can keep us from fully living and it can drag us down with the weight of it ‘ s baggage.

I know that it ‘ s really hard to do and it does take some effort, sometimes a lot of effort, but it can happen and, when it does, you will have a real shot at being happy. And people who are happy attract other people who are happy so living happily ever after isn ‘ t just a possibility!

How great would that be?

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Why Healthy Boundaries In A Marriage May Apply To In-Laws As Well

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Are you newly married and have you and your partner learned about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a marriage? Have you worked hard to identify what your boundaries are and are you determined to respect them so that your marriage is successful?

Good for you.

What many people don ‘ t know is that it can be very important to, from the get go, set boundaries for your in-laws as well. Why? Because your in-laws will be a part of your lives for a long time and your relationship with them could have a huge effect on your marriage.

Let me tell you why boundaries with your in-laws can make your marriage stronger.

#1 – Setting boundaries will create clarity.

While now that you are married you have created the beginning of a new family, for all of the previous years of your life you have been a member of your original family.

Things that formed this original family – holiday traditions, gender roles, financial considerations etc – were the foundation upon which that family existed.

Now that you are married, those things, those things that lay the foundation for your original family, might not exist in the new family.

I know when I was married, my husband ‘ s family had always lived close to each other and, as a result, they spent a lot of time together, particularly around birthdays and holidays. My family had always been more spread out and our time together was somewhat limited and we lived more independently of each other.

I was hoping that our new family could live in a way that was more aligned with my original family. My ex wanted to spend holiday times with his family. And his family expected it too.

In retrospect, I believe that if we had set boundaries early on, boundaries with both of our families about how we were going to spend birthdays and holidays, instead of having to have conflict around them every time one arose, then we would have saved ourselves a lot of conflict, conflict that was part of the erosion of our marriage.

So, setting boundaries early on with your in-laws allows everyone to know what to expect going forward so that conflicts and hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum.

#2 – The new relationship must take precedence.

One of the most important reasons that healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well is because the marriage of two people creates a new family.

This new family is new and untested and needs its own time to develop into what it is going to be.

It is of the utmost importance that this new family take precedence, that the wants and needs of this new couple are taken into consideration above the wants and needs of the original family.

This is not to say that the original family should be shunned but that the wants and needs of the new family are discussed first. Once that discussion has been had, the new family can make a decision, together, about how they are going to proceed.

For my ex and I, we never truly made a decision about what was important for our family. Every time a family conflict arose we punted it to the next holiday. If we had only made a conscious decision, for ourselves and OUR family, then we both would have been happier and there would have been less conflict.

#3 – Everyone needs to know what expectations are.

Unmet expectations are the number one thing that can cause problems in any relationship. And, unfortunately, no one usually knows what those expectations are. This isn ‘ t done maliciously – it just never comes up, not until someone gets hurt.

If you can set expectations early on with your in-laws you can prevent hurt feelings on both sides. In the example of my ex and I, perhaps if we had clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship what it was that we expected around the birthdays and holidays, if we had engaged in a discussion with our in-laws about what we all wanted, then a whole bunch of conflict would have been avoided.

Instead, we just assumed that it was a command performance at holidays and birthdays and we showed up accordingly, often crabby because we had fought about it the whole car drive over.

#4 – Relationships can be maintained.

One of my biggest regrets of my marriage is that we weren ‘ t able to set boundaries and manage expectations with our families. If we had, some important relationships would have been healthier.

As I have said before, my ex and I often ended up butting heads when we were put in the position of meeting extended family obligations that we didn ‘ t necessarily want to engage in. That was very damaging for our marriage.

Furthermore, our relationship with our in-laws suffered as well because there was often conflict about how we engaged with them. We weren ‘ t always honest, in an attempt to not upset them, but they often knew. And my ex and I, usually crabby, weren ‘ t always fun to have around.

So, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to set boundaries to preserve those good feelings.

#5 – You will be prepared with the kids arrive.

Ah yes, babies. Aren ‘ t they wonderful? Adorable little creatures that arrive and totally turn our lives into chaos.

And, yes, grandparents. The adults in our lives who raised us, sometimes in ways that we wished that we hadn ‘ t been raised. And they want a say in how your new family is going to be raised as well.

If you have set and practiced healthy boundaries with your in-laws, when the babies come you will be able to discuss with them what kind of boundaries you need around the kids. You can work together to define how they will be involved with the children – will you need them for child care, will they be part of managing discipline, do they understand how important the car seat is, etc.

The grandparent relationship, I believe, is a key one in the lives of our children. I know that my relationship with my grandmother was one of the best, most nurturing, of my life. I know that my mother ‘ s relationship with her mother wasn ‘ t always a healthy one and if they had set boundaries then a lot of silent dinners might have been avoided. I know that I wish they had been.

So, set up and practice boundaries now so that, when the kids are born, both sides are well practiced in the art of managing expectations and avoiding conflict.

Now you know why healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well.

Marriage is long and hard (and wonderful) and for the length of your marriage your in-laws will be a part of it.

It ‘ s important to set the boundaries right away so that you can maintain a good relationship with them. The boundaries need not be set in stone – as relationships develop, needs can change – but it is important that the discussion be had and expectations are clear.

I know it might be difficult, for all parties involved, to have the discussion but know that, in the long run, it will have been worth it.

Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your partner?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do so that you can be happy!
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How to Stop Unmet Expectations from Ruining Your Relationship

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Are you wondering how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship? Do you find yourself constantly disappointed with your partner and thinking about ending it?

Did you know that it ‘ s only since the Victorian era that relationships were meant to be what they are today – a partnership based on love, fidelity, friendship and laughter?

Before the Victorian era, relationships were business based, often set up by parents in the attempt to form allegiances farms or countries. There was no pressure to love forever or be your partner ‘ s best friend. And fidelity was rarely even discussed.

Today, the idea of a relationship has evolved, in most part due to movies and reality TV, into something that is supposed to define us and be the focal point of our lives.

And, often times, as seen by the high divorce rate and the transitory nature of relationships outside of marriage, this ideal of a relationship is not sustainable. Our expectations of our marriage are such that, if they are not met, the relationship will be damaged, perhaps irreversibly.

There are ways to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship. Here are a few.

#1 – Identify your own.

One way to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is questioning your own.

What do you think you need from your partner? Do you need him to give up his friends and hobbies for you? Do you expect to have sex every night? Do you want her to keep the house spotlessly clean, like your mother did? Do you expect him to anticipate your every need?

Expectations like these are exactly the things that can kill a relationship. I would encourage you to think about what you want from your partner so that it ‘ s clear in your mind. I also want you to consider if your expectations are reasonable.

If your expectations aren ‘ t reasonable your relationship might be dead upon arrival. If you don ‘ t know what your expectations are, your partner will have a hard time reaching them because you might always be moving the goal post.

So, before unmet expectations destroy your relationship, make sure you know what yours are.

#2 – Set boundaries.

I always encourage new couples to set boundaries in their relationships as soon as possible

To understand healthy relationship boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors.

A few examples:

*Make sure you stay yourself

*Allow yourselves time apart

*Communication is important

*Mutual respect at all times

*Keep the power dynamic equal

*Making time for both sides of the family

*Respecting others friends and hobbies

Of course, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but it is important that every couple establish some boundaries early and stick to them. For the sake of their relationship.

#3 – Be truthful.

It is essential that, if your expectations aren ‘ t being met, you discuss this with your partner.

One of the most common complaints that I hear from women is ‘ ˜he should know what I need. I shouldn ‘ t have to tell him. ‘ And this, I am afraid, is mostly impossible.

Men would love to be able to anticipate and meet our needs but many of them just don ‘ t always have it in them. This is not some deficiency of character but based on the fact that men have no idea how women think and why. It ‘ s a mystery to them so expecting them to be able to do so will set you up for disaster.

If your person isn ‘ t meeting your expectations, tell them. Not in the heat of the moment when you are angry and yelling but at an opportune time when you can discuss it calmly.

Discussing your expectations will allow the two of you to figure out if the expectations are reasonable and, if not, how you can compromise around something that would work for both of you.

If you don ‘ t, if you sit and simmer about your needs not being met, your relationship will not stay healthy.

#4 – Don ‘ t let others influence you.

How many times has your friend said ‘ ˜If he loved you, he would do this things ‘ . How many times has your mother said ‘ ˜She really should keep the keep the kitchen cleaner. ‘ How many times have you gotten resentful that your partner isn ‘ t reaching some expectation set by someone outside of the relationship?

It is important that you recognize that your relationship is just that, your relationship.

My mother in law used to remind me that my ex was really good at cleaning the house when he was a teenager. I appreciated that but, in our marriage, him helping with the house cleaning wasn ‘ t something that we had agreed on. It was important that I remembered that when discussing house cleaning with her.

So, make sure that your expectations are based on what you and you partner want, not what others want.

#5 – Remember that no relationship is perfect.

Last night I was watching The Bachelor (yes, I have watched every episode of the bachelor since 2002) and I listened to him talk about the perfect relationship that he wanted to come from his journey. The bachelorettes sang the same tune – they were there to find their best friend, someone who would always be there in their time of need.

While those sentiments are wonderful, they just are unrealistic. No one can be all things to one person all of the time.

When we enter into relationships expecting perfection, we will only be disappointed. Knowing that your relationship will not be the be all and end all, that you will need to find some things outside the relationship and that you won ‘ t blend into one person, will help set you up to not be disappointed and keep your relationship on a forward track to happiness.

Learning how to stop unmet expectations from ruining your relationship is not difficult to do.

If you are feeling dissatisfied in your relationship take a good hard look at your expectations. Do you have expectations that aren ‘ t being met and is that is why you are losing that loving feeling?

If yes, take a good hard look at your expectations and define if they are reasonable. Have your partner do the same. Afterwards, discuss them with your partner so that you guys can agree on what you both want and need. Don ‘ t listen to others and know that every relationship isn ‘ t what you read about in fairy tales.

If you can do these things, your chances of living happily ever after will be greatly improved.

You can do it! Start now ‘ ¦

Are your unmet expectations ruining your relationship?
Let me help, NOW, and before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

Surviving Infidelity Together: 5 Ways Couples Can Weather The Storm

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Is surviving infidelity together at all possible? Can a couple work through and get past the ultimate relationship betrayal – unfaithfulness.

Infidelity is devastating. The damage that is left, damaged caused by betrayal, lack of trust, unanswered questions and the unknown future seems irreparable.

But let me tell you that surviving infidelity together is possible. It won ‘ t be easy but it can be done.

Here are some important steps to take in the healing process.

#1 – No contact. None.

This is the number one most important thing for couples who are striving towards surviving infidelity together. If this step isn ‘ t taken, getting through this might not be possible.

It is essential that the unfaithful person cut their lover out of their life completely. There can be no trying to be friends, no final meeting for closure, no secret meetings to feed the need to be together. Unfriended and blocked on social media. Contact info deleted.

I believe that it ‘ s impossible to fully get away from a relationship if you don ‘ t go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ This is especially important after infidelity.

Why? Affairs are addictive and, for the married couple to get through recovery, it ‘ s imperative that the addiction be broken. The unfaithful person needs to be fully cut off from their lover so that they can focus on their partner. This is not possible if their lover hovers in the background.

Furthermore, the wronged partner needs to know and trust that their partner ‘ s person is not still out there, threatening the relationship.

So, first and foremost, go no contact. Without it, surviving infidelity together will be almost impossible.

#2 – Talking it out.

An essential part of surviving infidelity together is talking it out.

No affair happens in a void. More often than not, when an affair occurs, there are issues in a relationship.

Perhaps one partner never feels heard or isn ‘ t having their sexual needs met or is overwhelmed by the emotional abuse they are subjected to. Perhaps parenting has made them feel like less of a person and having an affair allowed them to feel like themselves again.

Whatever the reasons, these issues need to be discussed. Everything must be put out in the open so that everyone understands what might have led to the affair. Not to assign blame but to take a good honest look at what the issues are in the relationship and commit to make change around them.

Talking it out can be difficult and often it ‘ s important for a couple to get a professional to help them do so. Feelings will run high and having someone on hand to help keep them in line will be essential.

#3 – Rebuilding trust.

It is essential for couples who are interested in surviving a relationship together that they work hard to rebuild trust.

The wronged partner needs to know that they can trust their partner and the wandering partner needs to trust that their person is willing to work together to move forward.

A key part of rebuilding trust is to cut the other person out of your life, as I mentioned above. For the wronged person, knowing that their partner has walked away from their lover, that they don ‘ t need to always be wondering if they are together and that their person is committed to working through it is essential for moving forward.

The wayward partner needs to know that their partner is willing to be open to getting through this, to not be constantly critical of everything they do, to trust that they are no longer cheating and to not constantly question their character and motivations.

For both people, 100% transparency is important. If you have questions about what your spouse is doing, ask them. If you are going to be home later than usual, be clear about it and stay in touch. Whatever each other needs to feel safe in the relationship.

Trust is an essential part of a healthy relationship. Rebuilding trust will take some time but without trust, surviving infidelity together might not be possible.

#4 – Forgiveness.

Ah yes, forgiveness. The tough one.

You have been betrayed by someone who swore to love you forever. They fell in love and/or had sex with someone else – how can one possibly forgive someone for such horrific behavior.

Furthermore, how can you forgive yourself for missing the signs, for being the kind of partner your person would turn away from, for being so unbelievably stupid for letting it happen?

Forgiveness after infidelity is possible. And understanding that forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean forgetting is essential as well.

If your partner truly feels contrite, if they are willing to stay away from their partner and do everything that they can do to regain your trust, if they take accountability for their actions and are always honest with you, forgiveness is possible.

That being said, just because you forgive someone doesn ‘ t mean they are let off the hook. It doesn ‘ t mean that you are accepting that what they did is okay. It means that you are recognizing that your partner is human, that humans make mistakes and that your life and your relationship is important enough to you to try to move forward together.

You don ‘ t have to forget that the affair ever happened but if you can forgive your partner for their actions you have taken a big step towards surviving an affair together.

#5 – Getting to know each other again.

When an affair occurs, what is left is a huge chasm between partners.

Trust is gone, your person doesn ‘ t act like your person, you question everything you ever thought to be true and you wonder if you can ever really know your person again.

An essential part of surviving infidelity together is making an effort to get to know each other again. There was a time you were in love with this person and perhaps it ‘ s time to remember why.

Be willing to be 100% open about yourself to another person, like you were in the beginning, so that you remember how and why you love them.

Make an effort to do things together – the things that you used to love doing together and new things that will be exciting and fun. Spend time with non-judgmental friends who love you as a couple. If you have kids, spend time together as a family.

Talk about the future, a future that you might share together.

Remember, you loved this person, and might still love them. Knowing this might be the key to surviving infidelity together.

Affairs are devastating and destructive. Surviving them as a couple is possible.

It is important that you follow the steps above, to cut the other person out of your life, to talk about what happened, to rebuild trust, to forgive and to get to know each other again.

It is also important, if doing the things above aren ‘ t helping you get through this, to get some professional help. An outside perspective on this situation, with a person who is well versed in healing after an affair, can be more than helpful. They might help you bridge a chasm that you just can ‘ t traverse on your own.

I know that you are hurt. And good for you for reading this article and considering whether or not you want to try to save your relationship. It ‘ s not for everybody, forgiving and moving on, but if it might be an option for you, I definitely encourage you to try it.

Maybe you can still have your happily ever after!

Are you wondering if surviving infidelity together is possible?
Let me help, NOW, and before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Things That Happen After Letting Go of Looking for Love

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Are you considering letting go of looking for love because you have been trying and trying and trying to find it and failing?

Are you sick of dating sites and coffee shops and endless conversations with people who definitely aren ‘ t the people for you?

I get it. Looking for love can be exhausting.

I always tell my clients that it ‘ s ok, letting go of looking for love. It doesn ‘ t have to be forever but sometimes taking a break is the best thing that you can do.

Why?

#1 – You can give yourself a rest.

Looking for love is exhausting work.

You have to make a dating profile, spend endless time swiping right or left, make tons of small talk with strangers, deal with people stalking you or disappearing, and then ultimately being disappointed when something doesn ‘ t work out.

Who has the time and strength to deal with that?

Letting go of looking for love will give you your life back. It will give you a chance to spend time with friends, exercise, binge watch your favorite show, got to bed early and maybe even read a book!

Imagine what that would feel like, to not spend all of your time in the pursuit of love but to take a break and rest. Pretty amazing right?

#2 – You can focus on yourself.

It sounds like a cliché, I know. It ‘ s a phrase people use when they have just recently broken up with someone and they want to seem strong.

But focusing on yourself is actually a fundamental part of being a healthy human, especially one in the dating world.

For many of us, dating means putting ourselves on hold. It ‘ s hard to be our authentic selves when we are dating because we always feel like we have to put our best foot forward, to be someone who others would want to be with.

As a result, we sometimes lose ourselves in the process.

We stop doing yoga because we don ‘ t have the time and we lose touch with how important it is for our sanity.

We stop having girls’ nights out with our friends because we want to be free to date and therefore we don ‘ t have people to laugh with or call us on our shit, both of which are super important.

We might neglect work or family or our dog, all in the pursuit of love.

Letting go of looking for love allows us to take some time to refocus on ourselves, to get to know ourselves again. To spend time with people we love, to make a priority the things that keep us sane and to curl up in bed with our puppy, watching our favorite old movies on Netflix.

And then, once we know and love ourselves again, we might be ready to put ourselves out into the dating world, having refamiliarized ourselves with how awesome we are.

#3 – You can think more about what you want in a person.

Have you ever been caught up in the dating process and realized that you might be dating some people for the wrong reasons?

Do you find that perhaps height or pets or distance from your apartment are the criteria on which you are basing your willingness to date someone?

If I asked you right now what you wanted in a person, would any of those three things be the first three items on your list? Probably not.

Imagine if you met a person out there in the world, through a friend or at a bar. If you liked them, if you felt that chemistry, would you know or care about whether they liked dogs or cats or whether or not they lived in New Jersey? Probably not.

So, if you are considering letting go of looking for love, know that it will give you the opportunity to step back and re-assess what is really important to you in a partner.

Make a list of what you want and of how your perfect person would make you feel. That way, when you do meet them, you will actually see them, no matter where they live with their cat.

#4 – You can get used to alone time.

People HATE it when I say this but I do think that it ‘ s really important.

It is essential that, if we are going to be in a successful relationship, that we are good with being alone.

I have a friend who, when she first got divorced, found that being alone was the most uncomfortable thing for her. As a result, she frantically looked for love, desperately needing to fill up that empty space left by her ex-husband.

Eventually she was exhausted by her search and decided to try to take some time off from dating. At first, she was still uncomfortable in her home but, after a time, she got used to it. She learned that being alone allowed her to truly be herself and to do what she wanted to do. There was no one to take care of or compromise with – it was her way, always. And she liked that.

Learning how to be alone, to not be desperate for the company of another person, changed my friend ‘ s life because with this lack of neediness she became a stronger, more self-confident person who, in turn, attracted stronger, more self-confident guys. Guys she really liked. And guys who had to prove themselves to be allowed into her space.

So, take some time getting to know yourself and spending time alone. You will be glad you did.

#5 – Love will find you.

There is a saying attributed to Henry David Thoreau that reads ‘ ˜Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder. ‘

This is true with love as well.

We often pursue love like we train for a marathon or push to get ahead in our career. But love isn ‘ t found like that. Love is found when we are rested and know ourselves, when we are happy being alone and have the self-confidence to put our best foot forward.

If we continue our dogged pursuit of love without stopping and noticing the world around us we could miss all that is beautiful, including the love of that person we didn ‘ t see because we were swiping left or hyper focusing on that stunning man down the bar.

So, know that, if you are considering letting go of looking for love, doing so might be just what you need to find your forever person.

Letting go of looking for love is a big step, a leap of faith that in doing so you won ‘ t sabotage your love life forever.

The search for love is a marathon and not a sprint.

It is important that we take our time, nourish ourselves and the world, have self confidence that love will find us and that, if it doesn ‘ t right away, we will be okay alone.

Letting go of looking for love doesn ‘ t have to be forever. It ‘ s like pressing the pause button on a song or a TV show – something that you can get back to when you are ready.

So, take a moment. Step back from your pursuit of love. Believe that if you do, you will still find your happily ever after person, just maybe not today. And that ‘ s ok. You will find them someday – I promise.

Are you wondering about letting go of looking for love?
Let me help, NOW, and so you can start finding yourself again and find love!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

What Type of Person Gets What They Want Every Time?

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It ‘ s a new year and with every new year comes a desire to do things differently, to work to change our behavior to change outcomes.

A lot of my clients have expressed the need to speak up for themselves more, to ask for what they want and not let others lead the way. But many of them don ‘ t know if they have it in them to do so.

With that in mind, I have compiled a list of what type of person gets what they want every time. Of course, not everyone has all of these traits and there are other traits that I don’t mention that assertive people have but these 5 are the most common, in my experience.

#1 – Self Aware

A key part of getting what is knowing what you want.

How can you speak up for yourself if you aren ‘ t clear on what it is that you need in the moment?

Imagine yourself at Starbucks. You know you want that Iced Caramel Macchiato. It ‘ s your drink. And then you get a hot one. Do you suck it up and take the drink because you don ‘ t want to be a bother or do you speak up because you really want it iced? I am guessing you will speak up because you know exactly what coffee drink you like and it ‘ s important to your day that you have it.

It ‘ s the same in life and in relationships, especially. If you know that you are unhappy about something, ask yourself why you are unhappy. If you were in charge of the world, what you would you change about that thing so that you could be happy?

Once you know what that thing would be then you can ask for it clearly. Like your favorite iced beverage!

#2 – Self Confident

An important part of being the type of person who gets what they want is having the self-confidence to believe that you are worthy of what you want.

For many of us, we don ‘ t believe that we are worthy. We are hesitant to ask for what we want because we believe that we should settle for what we get because we don ‘ t deserve more.

Imagine that you know what you want, that you have defined it precisely. And then picture yourself asking for it? How does that feel in your body? Does it feel good or do you have a big pit in your stomach?

Ask yourself what that pit means. Does it mean that you feel like you don ‘ t deserve what you want? Does the idea of asking for it fill you with dread?A key part of getting what we want is believing that what we want is ok – that we are worthy of asking and worthy of being happy.

#3 – Honest

The type of person who gets what they want is someone who is honest.

Going back to coffee analogy, if you don ‘ t speak up for the drink you want you aren ‘ t being honest, with your barista or yourself.

Think about when you want your husband to stay home and he wants to go out and you don ‘ t speak up and out he goes. How do you feel then? Do you stay home, stewing, angry at yourself for not speaking your truth and angry at him for not recognizing (without being told) what you want.

It is important that, if you want to be assertive, that you are honest with whomever you are dealing with. People can ‘ t read minds and if you want something you have to tell them.

#4 – Open

People who get what they want are people who are open, open to what they want and open to listening to what other people want as well.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t want him to, be open to what he wants as well as what you want.

Tell him that you would prefer he stay home but ask him why it ‘ s so important to go out. He could very well have a good reason, a reason that you can accept and be okay with and then you can spend the night not stewing about why he left.

If you aren ‘ t willing to listen, if it ‘ s your way or the highway, then being assertive will get you nowhere and will offend people. There are two people in every transaction and both of them have needs that need to be met. Compromise is, of course, an option but you can ‘ t compromise without information.

#5 – Composed

A really big part getting what you want is being able to ask for what you want calmly and clearly.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t, do you think you are more likely to get an outcome that makes you happy if you yell at your guy instead of speaking up calmly about what you want. Would you be willing to work on making someone else happy if they yelled at you?

It is important that, when we are being assertive, we pause and take a deep breath before we speak. That we think about what we want to say and say it in a way that the words will land on the other person. If we do so, we can get what we want.

I know that you are thinking about that person you know who always yells and gets what he wants. Let me ask you – do you like that person? Does anyone like that person? I am guessing not. His loud words get him what he wants but he offends people every time.

Knowing what type of person gets what they want are is the key to being happier in your life.

People who meekly going about their day, taking what others give them without a peep, killing their self confidence in the process, are people who will ultimately find themselves living a life that doesn ‘ t make them happy.

People who know what they want, who can self-confidently express with honesty and clarity what they want, are people who are happy with what they have and happy to share what they have with others.

Imagine feeling that way. You can do it! Work to cultivate the personality traits on my list and you live the life that you have always wanted.

Are you wondering what type of person gets what they want every time?
Let me help, NOW, and so you can start getting what you want from life!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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