5 Things Men Look For In Someone Who is Marriage Material

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I know that, for many women, knowing what men look for in someone who is marriage material is confounding.

We hear stories all the time about men who are in long term relationships with someone they aren ‘ t ready to marry. And then they break up and he marries the next woman who comes along.

What is up with that?

We all know exactly what women want – love, stability, romance, laughter, etc – but I had no idea what a guy really wants in a relationship – things that, if they are missing, are deal breakers.

To figure out the answer to this question, I reached out to some guy friends and clients to see if they could shed some light on the topic.

What was amazing was that the guys said mostly the same things (except for a few outliers who went a bit off the rails) and those things were a little surprising so I thought I would share them here with you today.

Here are 5 things men look for in someone who is marriage material.

# 1 – A sense of adventure.

I know – this first thing is kind of intimidating but, rest assured, ‘ ˜adventure ‘ means different things to different people.

One of my friends, John, craves adventure with a capital A. He wants to climb really tall mountains, and then mountain bike down them. He wants to sail his boat from Florida to the Bahamas. A lazy day for him is sleeping in until 7am and then only running 7 miles. He goes, goes, goes, goes.

And he wants a woman who can keep up. Fortunately – I have just the girl for him and I just set them up!

On the other hand, my client, David, also wants adventure but his is of a different kind. He loves to walk in the woods – no mountain biking necessary – but he doesn ‘ t need to climb to the highest peaks. He loves to explore back roads in his old Mercedes convertible. He is happy having a beer on the deck, watching the water in the late afternoon.

So, while you see that adventure can mean different things to different people, without exception the men I talked to need adventure to be a part of a relationship that they will commit to. They want someone who wants to play with them, to do the things that they both love to do, no matter what those things are.

So, if you are wondering if you are someone who is marriage material for your guy, ask yourself if you and your guy play well together!

#2 – A sense of independence.

Independence, like adventure, has different meanings fordifferent people but every guy I asked said that it was very important that someone who is marriage material will give them some degree of independence.

This doesn ‘ t not mean that they want freedom to go out with other girls or to disappear without explanation or to unilaterally decide that they are going hiking in Peru for a week.

Independence means being given the space to do the things that they want to do. To have the support of their partner to pursue their passions. To not have their partner tell them that they can do something, only to act abandoned when they do. And they want their partner to also want the same kind of independence that they do.

With my boyfriend, I desperately need to have the freedom to fly. I was alone for a long time and travel is in my blood. He is more of a homebody. He is happy to let me go off on my trips – to NYC once a month or to Mexico for a girl ‘ s week. He never says ‘ ˜yes ‘ when he means ‘ ˜no ‘ and he never acts resentful when I am leaving. ‘ ˜As long as you come back, ‘ he always says, ‘ ˜I am happy to let you go. ‘

He needs independence too, but his looks different. It ‘ s me being ok with him being in his barn, puttering, for many, many hours without my feeling abandoned. He loves being out there more than anything (except for me, of course) and that I support him doing so makes him super willing to commit to me!

So, if you are wondering if your man sees you as someone who is marriage material, make sure that you are comfortable giving him the independence that he needs (and that he does the same in return).

#3 – A sense of lustfulness.

We all know that guys want, nay need, sex. In a way that many women just don ‘ t grasp, sex seems to be the life blood of every man once they hit puberty. This is not to say that women don ‘ t want sex but it ‘ s not quite the same for us.

The guys I talked to all agreed that sex was important but so was lust. Of course, they love having sex with their partner (even if it ‘ s not so great some days) but what they really want is for their partner to WANT them, to have a lust for them that they act on.

My friend, Doug, is in a relationship with a woman he loves. They have been together about 5 years and have just moved in together. And their sex life is blah.

Sure, they have sex once a week, and when they do it ‘ s pretty good, but he always has to instigate it. And he often feels like he is imposing on her by making his moves.

So, while he knows that she WILL have sex with him, what he really wants is for her to WANT to have sex with him.

Take a good look at your relationship. Is there lust there, lust that you aren ‘ t faking? Lustfulness is an essential part of any healthy relationship and one thing a man looks for in someone who is marriage material.

#4 – A sense of appreciation.

Most of my guy friends said that a sense of appreciation is something they look for in someone who is marriage material.

What do they mean by appreciation?

Appreciation is defined as ‘ ˜recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something. ‘ In relationships, for guys, being appreciated is essential.

I have a client who wants nothing more than to keep his girlfriend happy.

He practices all the love languages – he tells her he loves her, he is affectionate with her, he spends quality time with her, buys her small gifts and he tries very hard to anticipate what she wants and follow through.

And his girlfriend loves all of these things but he doesn ‘ t feel like she really internalizes them, really understands how much he loves her and wants to make her happy.

Why does he feel that way? Because, in spite of how he treats her, if he does something wrong, even the tiniest thing, she contemptuously lashes out at him, belittling his ability to ever get anything done and telling him that, if he loved her, he would do the things she needs him to do.

There is truly nothing that kills a relationship quicker than contempt. Those passive aggressive tendencies that lead to making the other person feel less than/guilty/stupid/worthless. And, unfortunately, many of us women in relationships are guilty of contempt, of treating our men and not appreciating their efforts.

Men want someone who is marriage material to be someone who takes the whole package into consideration as to how they treat someone. Someone who appreciates the things that they do for them and doesn ‘ t belittle them for the things they don ‘ t or that they do wrong.

So, if you find that you struggle to appreciate your partner, your guy might not see you as someone who is marriage material.

#5 – A sense of parity.

For most of the history of mankind, the image of a healthy relationship was one based on the man being superior to the woman.

That the big, strong man would go out into the world and provide for his woman. That she would tend to his needs when he returned. What he said, went. What he wanted to do, happened.

Now, in 2022, things have changed. Men and women strive for parity in relationships, of being equals in every way. And believe it or not, many men like it that way and actively want it that way.

My friend, George, told me about the relationship that his parents had. His father was always in charge – of his wife and the kids. His mother worked hard to keep him happy at all costs. His dad would be gone all day on the weekends, golfing, but wouldn ‘ t let George ‘ s mother go out for a night with her friends. It was hard to watch this dynamic between his parents not only because his father was being so domineering but because his mother was ok with it.

Over the years, George watched his mother become less and less of herself. Because his father was in charge and she had little freedom to be herself, she would spend her days cleaning and doing chores. He could tell that she was bored and lonely. And she was sad. He swore to himself that his wife would never be that way.

Men want women to be their equals. They want women to share the good things and the bad. They want them to be on equal footing as far as goals and hopes and dreams. They want decisions, big and small, to be shared ones.

Of course, there are some areas where one person might be in charge but, in general, men want equality in their relationship. Gone are the days where men ruled all. That, say my guy friends, is just exhausting!

Do you and your partner treat each other with parity? Do you both take care of each other and make each other feel equal and treat each other with respect? If no, then your guy just might not want to commit to you commit to you.

So, there you are, 5 things that men want in someone who is marriage material, as told to me by a bunch of great guys in the know.

Men and women both want to be in committed relationships but, ironically, their needs can be quite different. Understanding what a man might want, things that might be much different from what you want, will help you recognize what you may or may not be giving him that might influence his desire to commit.

Do you have fun together? Do you want and respect him? Do you treat each other like equals and give each other freedom?

If the answers to these questionsare yes, and if your guy can give you what you want as well, then you might well be on the way to marriage and your happily ever after!

 

 

5 Behaviors That Are Unacceptable in Any Relationship

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It would seem that it would be a no brainer that people would easily recognize behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

You know, those red flags, those little behaviors that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviors that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.

Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviors, behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal, so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviors are.

Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviors, we can find the strength to walk away, for good.

So here they are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationships. Read them and heed them!

#1 – Lying.

In any list of behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first.

I have a client whose husband lies about everything, big and small.

He lies about where he was when she couldn’t reach him. He lies about whether he has had that difficult conversation with his mother. He lies when he is asked a question that makes him uncomfortable. He lies to their kids when they ask him why he drinks so much.

At first, she didn’t recognize those lies. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes and she loved and trusted him to be honest with her.

But, as time went on, she started to notice how regularly he lied to her, to everyone. He would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of them were very damaging, like when there was an emergency and she couldn’t find him and he said that his phone battery died. Some of them not so much, like the fact that he said he tried to stop at the store on the way home but that it was closed, when he had just forgot.

Every time she caught him in a lie, big or small, she lost just a little bit more trust in him.

She came to me, very unhappy in her marriage. She wasn’t really sure why. Her husband was a nice man, he worked hard, he was a good dad and people liked him. She didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. And then she referred, offhandedly, to his lies, big and small, and I knew, right away, why she was so unhappy she didn’t trust her husband.

As we talked about it further, she realized how much of an effect the lying was having on her relationship with her husband, that she couldn’t trust him about anything and that was eroding their relationship.

So, it might seem like a small thing but lying is an unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

#2 – Physical Abuse.

While this behavior might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than one might think.

The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is unfortunately the reality for many women, and men, in this country.

For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.

The truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small.

Common, well known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.

More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex and any kind of intimidation by strength.

I always ask my clients who are in unhappy relationships if there is any kind of physical abuse. Almost 100% of them say no but when I tell them about the small kinds of abuse they are often surprised that some of those things are present.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, considering leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship.

#3 – Verbal Abuse

Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen.

The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling, what it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.

Examples of verbal abuse: name calling, condescension, manipulation, criticism, demeaning comments, threats, blame, accusations, withholding and gaslighting.

So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so.

Verbal abuse in unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?

#4 – Emotional abuse

Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize.

I have a client who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs“ where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.

Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.

And, the very sad thing is that my client takes this emotional abuse. She loves him madly and, because when things are good they are so good, she is willing to take the bad too. Unfortunately, the bad brings her down to such a dark place and, each time they happen, it erodes her self-esteem even further.

At this point, after years of this emotional abuse, my client feels so badly about herself that she actually believes that she deserves everything that he says about her.

Not very obvious examples of emotional abuse: when your partner controls your appearance, when they monitor your conversations, when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable.

Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.

#5 – Ghosting.

For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.

Ghosting is one of those behaviors that is unacceptable in any relationship.

Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It is easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because the can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.

And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, everyone, abandons them.

Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it’s truly the best thing that could happen to you. Because they ghosted you, there is no risk that you would have gotten into a relationship with someone who ghosts others, someone you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with.

The next level of ghosting is disappearing and this tends to happen more with people who are in a relationship.

I have a client whose boyfriend makes promises to do something with her and then, when the time comes, he disappears, nowhere to be found. Ultimately, he does reappear, with lots of excuses and charm, and she takes him back.

Another client has boyfriend who, more often than not, isn’t there when she needs him. Her dog was attacked by another dog and she had to rush him to the hospital. She needed her boyfriend with her and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. When she finally reached him, he said that his battery had died and that he was sorry.

Because she wanted to believe him, she did and life went on, until he did it again.

Ghosting or disappearing in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable. It displays a lack of respect, of contempt for other people’s emotions and time. It destroys trust in a relationship and leaves the person who is left feeling horrible about themselves.

So, if your person ever ghosts your or can’t be found, consider strongly whether this is the person for you. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who you know will always be there for you?

There you go, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

If someone is being lied to, physically, emotionally or verbally abused or is left behind when times get tough they are in a toxic relationship, one that they should run screaming from.

And the reason that these things are unacceptable is because they leave the person, you, feeling less than, questioning who they are in the world, perhaps isolated from family and friends, alone and scared.

What every healthy relationship has is mutual trust, respect, honesty, affection, commitment and support. A healthy relationship leads someone to feel good about themselves, safe in the world and supported by someone they love.

Take a good hard look at how you are feeling right now, after you have read this article. Do you feel good about your relationship and your place in the world or are you unsteady and unsure, scared of what to do next?

If it’s the second, it’s time to get out. Now!

Frequently Asked Questions

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How to Let Go of Love for Your Crush if They Aren’t Crushing on You

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Are you wondering how to let go of love for your crush? Are you madly in love with someone, and are the feelings unrequited?

There is nothing worse than loving and not being loved in return but holding on to a love with no future will only prevent you from finding the love you seek.

So, how do you let go of your crush if they aren ‘ t crushing on you? How can you take the difficult step of walking away from them and moving on?

I have been there, and so have many of my clients. Let us help you get through it.

#1 – Check yourself.

Are you crushing on someone, big time, and have you been convincing yourself that if you just hold on long enough, they will notice you and fall for you and you will live happily ever after? Have you been holding on to this for a while, but has nothing changed?

I have a client who was seriously crushing on a guy. They had been friends years ago and he reappeared. She thought that his coming back into her life was a sign that they were supposed to be together.

For one year she held onto hope that they could be together. He did give her mixed messages, on the one hand telling her that he didn ‘ t want a relationship and, on the other, having sex with her. He would come and go and still, she held onto her hope for them, slowly dying each time he left.

Ultimately, she realized that she had created their ‘ ˜great love story ‘ in her head and she knew she had to let him go. And the first thing that she had to do was to come to terms with the fact that he didn ‘ t love her back.

It was incredibly painful, but it was the first step to letting go of unrequited love and moving forward to find someone who would love her back.

#2 – No contact. None.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ when we need to walk away from someone, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say, and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love, hoping that they might change their mind.

Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple? Right? Wrong!

So, when you have decided that you need to walk away and move in, go no contact immediately. Block them on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know they will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits. Having any contact with them will only hold you back from moving on!

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your crush. Even one point of contact can draw you back into their circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, gono contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#3 – Do something that you have always wanted to do.

Another important thing to know when you are wondering how to let go of love for your crush is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn ‘ t commit to her. She was devastated.

I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing. In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

When we are rejected by someone we are crushing on, we often feel horrible about ourselves. We feel like we are unloveable and will never be loved again.

Spending time with friends and family who love you, who recognize you for what an amazing, and loveable, person you are will help you move on and find someone who is worthy of you.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

When your heart is broken and you feel like your life is over, one of the best things that you can do is self-care. Your body and your spirit may feel broken but some nurturing will help them heal.

When my husband left me, I was left devastated and alone. My house was empty, my kids were gone and my husband no longer came home at the end of the day. My days were endless, and I didn ‘ t know how I was going to survive being alone.

One day, a Groupon appeared in my inbox from Massage Envy, offering a 60-minute massage for $40. I had nothing to do so I bought the Groupon, and I made an appointment for a massage. That message was one of the best hours of my life. I was in a warm room, on a cosy table, and I had a lovely woman attending to my aches and pains, making me feel loved and cared for.

I realized that day, when I am emerged from the spa feeling rejuvenated and alive, that doing things that comforted me was what I would need to help me move forward. From that day on, I would spend some time every day doing things to take care of myself. I did yoga, went for walks, spent time antiquing with girlfriends and drank whiskey by the fire on cold winter nights.

By nurturing myself, by loving myself, I was able to get the strength that I needed to let go of the loss of my marriage.

#6 – Believe your love is out there for you.

I find this to be the number one obstacle to my clients breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love them – believing they will never find love again.

Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren ‘ t making them happy don ‘ t leave because they believe that there will never be another person for them. That, if they break up with this person, they will be alone forever!

But that just isn ‘ t true. There are many, many fish in the sea, and there is one for you.

Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn ‘ t love you, then you, won ‘ t find that person. But if you can be brave enough to act, and break up with said idiot, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.

Knowing why and how to let go of love for your crush is a key piece to being able to do so successfully.

You still love them, but you know that you must let them go because of the pain they are causing you. It will be difficult, but it is possible!

Be honest with yourself about the chance that they will ever love you back, cut them off completely, do the things you have always wanted to do and spend time with friends. Nurture yourself and hold on to the belief that you will find the love you seek.

You will. If you can let go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you back and not waste any more time, you will! I promise.

How Being Happy When You are Single Is Yours for the Taking

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Did you know that being happy when you are single is something that is within arm ‘ s reach for you, right now as you read this article?

Did you know that there are ways to accept that you are alone and truly be ok with it?

I believe that acceptance is the key to living successfully and, if you can accept that you are not doubled up (although maybe not forever), being happy when you are single is the best way to be content and look forward to your future with hope.

So, how can you be happy when you are single?

It ‘ s about rearranging your mind set. Instead of focusing on everything that is wrong with your life because you aren ‘ t with someone, focus on the benefits of being single, how being single actually enhances your life instead of detracts from it.

Here are some things to consider as you work towards being happy when you are single.

#1 – It ‘ s all about you.

One of the best parts about being alone is that the only person you have to take care of is you.

Take a look at your day. How much of it is spent taking care of your person? Do you have to cook for them or do errands for them or make sure their laundry is done on time? Of course, you love doing all of those little things but do you sometimes do them at the expense of your own needs?

I know that for the years that I lived by myself I had a lot of extra time in my day because I was only cooking (or not!), cleaning and planning for myself and only myself. That extra time not only allowed me more time for doing what I wanted to do, it also gave me the time to build my business and to volunteer to work with people living with mental illness.

Now that I am with someone else, I spend a good portion of my day taking care of him and his needs. And I love him and don ‘ t mind doing this but I must admit that some days I wish I didn ‘ t have to.

Imagine if your everyday was full of doing only what you wanted to do, taking care of only yourself, cooking (or not), watching whatever TV you want to watch, going to bed on your own schedule and not picking up anyone else ‘ s clothes.

How amazing would that feel?

#2 – You can do things your way.

Now, don ‘ t get me wrong. The willingness to compromise is important in every relationship. However, in many relationships, we sometimes compromise too much.

I know that when one of my clients was married, she lived her life for what her husband wanted and needed. He wanted her to quit a job that she loved, so she did. He wanted to move to another town, and even though she loved their current house, she agreed nonetheless.

He insisted they have dinner with his family on Sundays, in spite of the fact that her family was around on Sunday nights as well.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, her ex compromised too, I am sure, but she had to bend over backwards most days to make him happy.

Imagine that, not having to negotiate with someone else around something that you want or don ‘ t want to do. Living your own life on your own terms. That ‘ s a huge reason why being happy being single doesn ‘ t seem unreasonable at all.

#3 – No more daily little hurts.

One of the hardest things about relationships, both good and bad ones, is the daily little hurts, those little tiny hurts that occur over the course of a relationship, cuts that undermine the strength of the relationship and, sometimes, lead to its collapse.

What kind of little hurts? Not coming home on time, leaving underwear on the floor, lying about how much beer you had with your buddies, spending more money at the dress shop then planned, farting without apologizing, not walking the dog at the right time, slurping your coffee, snoring etc. You get the picture.

One of reasons that you can be happy when you are single is that you aren ‘ t subjected to those little daily pains, the ones that make you feel so bad about yourself and so bad about your relationship.

When I was alone, I remember distinctly how much better I felt at the end of the day because no one had caused me pain that day. My dog was curled up next to me, and he only loved me. I felt pretty good about myself, I have to say.

#4 – Love is all around you.

This last thing is something that seems so obvious but often isn ‘ t when we are feeling sorry for ourselves for being alone.

When you aren ‘ t in a relationship one thing that you notice is that love is accessible anywhere. While romantic love is lovely, you can find love in both usual and unusual places.

First and foremost, you have steadfast and strong love from your friends and family. You know that they will be there for you through thick and thin and that you will always have someone to cry with or go to the movies with or spend the holidays with. No matter what.

There are also other ways to find love. A big source of love is volunteering. There is nothing better than working with people or animals who need love and support for bringing more love into your life. When I was first single, I volunteered at a food shelter once a week and when I went home I felt like a million bucks.

Another way to get unconditional love is with a pet. It might sound like a cliché but it ‘ s true. How many single women do you know who have a pet? They might call us crazy cat ladies but the joke is on them because we are happy crazy cat ladies!

So, know that, if you are single, you can get love in all sorts of places and, yes, you can be happy being alone.

#5 – You can be exactly who you want to be.

The most amazing part of being alone is that you are totally free to be who you want to be.

Of course, being in a partnership can be wonderful but, whether you are happy or not, because you are part of a twosome you are sometimes limited in your choices of who you can be in the world.

After my husband and I got divorced I decided that I was sick of living in the country. I sold my 3000 square foot house in Vermont and moved to a 200 square foot apartment in NYC. I started a life coach business, became a mental health advocate and I no longer had to shovel snow because my doormen did it!

If you are alone, the sky is the limit for who you want to be in the world. That is definitely worth a lot!

As you can see, being happy when you are single isn ‘ t all that hard and is right within reach.

I know that in this modern world being a part of a pair seems imperative but more and more people are realizing that it ‘ s not. Being alone gives you options, you can be selfish and giving and your daily life can be happier and you can be truly who you want to be.

I have a client who was a housewife and a mother before she got divorced and now she is an accountant and a stock trader. She owns her own house, has two amazing girls (and three grandchildren) and she is happy as a clam. She occasionally dates but then realizes that, for her, it doesn ‘ t make her feel good so she stops and goes back to her very happy life!

You can be happy being single too. Truly.

How to Keep Moving on When You’re Feeling Depressed

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Has your life gotten to that place where you ‘ re feeling depressed all the time?

Are you feeling hopeless and full of dread and worried about what the future will hold?

If you are, I am so sorry. Being depressed and hopeless is a horrible place to be!

Fortunately, there are things you can do to keep moving on when you ‘ re feeling depressed and like you always will be.

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have.

If you think you have situational depression, read on. If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that make you feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed all of the time, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed you are ready.

#3 – Keep your mind active.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4 – Choose your playmates carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when you ‘ re feeling depressed is your environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed and anxious. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren ‘ t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn ‘ t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn ‘ t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn ‘ t spend time with when you are depressed and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#5 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and anxious all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and anxious might indicate some serious health problems and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and anxiety so that they don ‘ t get worse. Which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed all of the time it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, control who you spend time with and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

Is your depression threatening to make a mess of your life?
Let me help, NOW, before it gets out of control!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

Surviving Online Infidelity: Are Cyber Affairs Any Less Harmful?

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Are you struggling with surviving online infidelity?

Has the person you loved strayed from your relationship by corresponding with another person online?

Are you wrestling with your feelings and not really sure if what you are feeling is okay? Are you wondering if maybe you shouldn ‘ t be as upset as you are because it ‘ s just an online relationship? It ‘ s not like they had sex or anything.

Let me help you! Surviving online infidelity is possible but first there are some things that you should know.

#1 – Affairs aren ‘ t all about sex.

For many people, the definition of an affair is when one person has sex with another person outside of the relationship.

The reality, however, is quite different.

Experts say that an affair begins when someone starts sharing things that they aren ‘ t sharing with someone else.

One of my clients remembers the time when she told the person she eventually had an affair with that she was depressed. She had never said those words out loud before. That started it all.

Why does this sharing mark the beginning of an affair? Because it creates an intimacy between the two people, one that might be more than that of the original relationship.

Online affairs are all about intimacy. All about sharing feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams. It can often lead to a deep love, one that is not about sex. And that can be scarier, in many ways.

#2 – Online affairs can be more intense.

Online relationships can, in many ways, be more intense.

Because there is no face-to-face contact, but only words shared, there is a tension that builds between the two people. When people have a physical affair, tension can be released after sex. When people have no physical release, the tension just continues to grow.

And with the increase in tension, there is an increase in intensity and which makes the affair more dangerous because the feelings intensify.

Many people who leave their partners for someone they have never met face to face do so because the intensity is so compelling that it drives them to make big, stupid, life changes.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that, because these two are far away from each other, the relationship can ‘ t be that strong. It actually might be stronger than you realize.

#3 – Any kind affair kills trust.

One of the most important parts of any healthy relationship is trust. When affairs happen, trust is violated, perhaps forever.

Since you discovered your partner ‘ s infidelity do you check your their phone and email regularly? Do you question where they are going when they leave the house? Do you obsess about whether he is lying to you about what is happening?

All of these things are evidence that trust has been broken in your relationship. The first step towards surviving online infidelity is rebuilding trust.

#4 – How hurt are you?

When asking yourself whether online infidelity is any less harmful than a physical affair, it ‘ s important to note how you are feeling.

Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you indifferent?

For many, learning about an online affair can be devastating. Knowing that their partner has shared any intimacy with another person can be incredibly painful.

For others, however, their partner having an online affair doesn ‘ t carry much significance. They have their person every day to come home to. They have sex with them. They share the finances. They are still a couple. The person on the other end of the internet line is just a person who gets nothing but words. And for many people, they are almost happy that their partner has another outlet – that they don ‘ t have to responsible for holding their feelings constantly.

So, how do you feel about what you have discovered? If you are hurt, then, yes, the online affair is harmful. If not, then perhaps you can just not make a big deal of it and move on.

#5 – Infidelity can destroy your relationship.

Whether it ‘ s online or physical, an affair can have the power to destroy your relationship.

The breakdown of trust, the displaced intimacy, the intenseness of the new relationship and the profound hurt that you might feel, all of these can result in the permanent destruction of your relationship.

If there can be a silver lining of an online affair it ‘ s that distance can be a help in trying to end it. When affairs are face-to-face they can be harder to break off because of people might still be thrown together at work or in town or at a party. With an online affair, it might be as simple as blocking or unfriending someone and then it ‘ s over.

But, don ‘ t be naïve. Letting go of an affair is not something that happens easily. People who have affairs become addicted to them. They fall in love with the person they are in the relationship – a woman or man – not a husband or a father or an employee. And that is very hard to let go of!

Surviving an online affair is possible.

It is important, however, that you recognize an online affair for what it is – an affair that can be more intense than a sexual one, that causes the breakdown of trust, that hurts you deeply and that can end your relationship.

It is possible to find your way back to your original relationship, with therapy, communication and restoration of trust but it can and will be challenging.

Now that you understand what an online affair is all about, you can take the next steps and decide if you want to work with your partner to heal or if it ‘ s time to move on.

Do youwant to know surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, so you can get started!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

 

 

5 Things To Do When Emotions Overwhelm You

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You know when you have one of those days when emotions overwhelm you? They can be scary days, can ‘ t they be?

Fortunately there are ways to get through those emotional days without totally falling apart. It takes a little bit of attention and effort but if you are willing to do the work it will prevent those breakdowns that leave you exhausted and spent and unable to function.

So what do you do when emotions overwhelm you?

#1 – Breathe.

The first, and most important, thing to do when emotions overwhelm you is to BREATHE. I know it seems simple and obvious but it isn ‘ t.

Most of us, when put into an emotional situation, forget to breathe. You know when you are driving past an 18-wheeler on the highway? You are gripping the steering wheel super tight and hoping that you won ‘ t get smooshed between the truck and the guardrail. When in that spot, most people hold their breath. Next time, try taking a deep breath as you pass the truck. You will see how much easier it is when you do.

When emotions overwhelm you pause and take a deep breath. Put your hand on your tummy and breathe in for a count of three, filling up your belly as you do, and then release for a count of three. Do this repeatedly until you feel calmer.

The benefits of deep breathing are significant. Deep breathing slows your heart rate and improves your cognitive functioning so that you can think more clearly. And thinking more clearly will allow you to deal with those emotions.

#2 – Identify the emotions.

The next important thing to do, after you have taken a few deep breaths, is to identify what exactly you are feeling.

Are you feeling sadness? Anxiety? Anger? Fear? All of those are emotions that manifest themselves differently in each person and, if you know what emotion is overwhelming you, it will be easier to manage it.

Last year, at my daughter ‘ s graduation, I learned that my ex was bringing his new wife and her family down to NYC for a big post graduation celebration. I flipped out. My heart started beating and my thoughts were racing. I wanted to pick up the phone and yell at him. Or break something.

After some deep breaths I asked myself what exactly I was feeling. Why was I reacting this way? And then I realized: I was jealous. Jealous that I couldn ‘ t give my daughter some big family graduation celebration and that she would be having one with my ex ‘ s family. I was very, very jealous.

And you know what? I was surprised that that was how I was feeling. But knowing that jealousy was the emotion overwhelming me changed everything for me.

First of all, there was a huge sense of relief naming my emotion. When the feeling was just some random anger and hurt I didn ‘ t know what to do with it. Once I knew it was jealousy I was able to process that jealousy. I knew that it was okay that I was jealous. Who wouldn ‘ t be? And knowing that it was okay that I was jealous, and that I was not some woman still bitter about her divorce, helped me process those emotions quickly.

#3 – Feel Them.

I remember the morning after my mom died. Her husband was walking around the house muttering to himself Get over it. Stop being so sad. The day after my mom died.

Emotions are hard to feel. They are painful and confusing and scary. But it is important that we allow ourself to feel them. If we stuff them down, cover them with beer or food or drugs, then we will never be able to learn to deal with them and they will just come roaring back, bigger and fiercer than ever.

So if you are scared to feel those feelings that you have when emotions overwhelm you it ‘ s okay. But fight through that fear and feel those emotions. It will help you let go of them.

#4 – Process them.

So you have done your deep breathing, you have recognized your emotions and you have felt them deeply in your body. What ‘ s next?

Processing your emotions. I know! It ‘ s easier said than done, but it ‘ s very important that you do.

For me, knowing that I was jealous allowed me to ask myself why I was jealous. To figure out the source of the jealousy. For me it was that my kids had a new family, one that I wasn ‘ t a part of. That made me very jealous and very sad. And, to be honest, a little bit angry.

But I knew what it was and was able to tell my kids what I was feeling. They got it and were relieved that their mom wasn ‘ t still bitter about their dad but feeling some genuine, completely understandable emotions.

The same situation has happened again, more than once, and it has been much easier for me to process because I know exactly what emotion is happening and why.

#5 – Let them go.

The final piece to dealing when emotions overwhelm you is to let your feelings go.

Holding onto emotions that overwhelm you is not good for you on many levels.

Holding a grudge or keeping a feeling inside can cause physical illness. It can cause constant bitterness and anger, which isn ‘ t good for your mental health. It can make you unpleasant to be around which could chase your friends away.

So feel your feelings. Process them. And then let them go. It ‘ s okay if they come back but if they do they won’t be as powerful because you will know what to do to handle them.

Knowing what to do when your emotions overwhelm you can be very difficult in the moment. It is hard to think clearly when you are angry or sad or exhausted or hurt.

If you do nothing else on this list, just remember to breathe. If you do you will go a long way towards regulating those emotions and not letting them get the best of you.

And when your heartbeat calms down and your head clears after you breathe, you just might find the others steps easier to manage.

Imagine what it would feel like to not hold onto those overwhelming emotions. Pretty amazing, right?

 

 

 

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