5 Things to Consider if You are Getting Married but Unsure

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Good for you for looking for things to consider if you are getting married but unsure.

Getting married is easy but staying married is harder and very few people consider this fact before they get married. They are picturing the wedding and the honeymoon and the babies but not what it would truly look like to be married to their person forever.

And, in order to stay married, it’s important to take a good look at those things that are making you pause now and question whether or not you are ready.

To that end, here are 5 things to consider if you are getting married but unsure.

#1 – Do you love this person for the way they are right now?

So many of us are with people who we believe that we can change Oh, we think. He/she won’t always be this way. Someday they will change.

And, while this might be true, more often than not, the person who you are considering marrying is exactly the person you will be married to for the rest of your life.

So, consider your person. Do you like the way they dress? Do you like the way they are at parties? Do you like their politics? Do you like their friends? Do you hope that they will be open to letting you go to Peru for 6 months next year, even if they say now that they won’t be?

I know that it is hard to know what you will want from your partner in the future but I can promise you that if the person who is in front of you right now isn’t exactly the person who you want them to be then it’s not probably a good idea to get married.

On the other hand, if the person you are marrying might not be perfect but has the attributes that you want in a person, then having a successful marriage will be way more likely. After all, if you can agree on things now then it’s most likely that you will be able to agree on things in the future!

#2 – Do you just want to have a wedding?

I always tell my daughter that, if she wants to get married, it’s really important that, before she does, she throws herself a big party and gets a big floofy dress.

Why? Because so many people are caught up in the idea of a wedding that they do not consider what being married is really like.

For women, from an early age, we are bombarded with the idea of happily ever after.And happily ever after includes a fabulous wedding and a dress the likes of which we will never wear again. Many girls grow up dreaming of their ideal wedding. And the reality TV world shows us over the top weddings that, because of FOMO, people aspire to have.

So, I want you to seriously consider if you are doing this because of the wedding, because of your big day when you get to be the center of attention, where people will shower you with gifts and when you get to ride off into the sunset with your partner. The stuff of fairy tales, maybe, but not necessarily the stuff that makes a healthy marriage.

#3 – Are you getting married because of timing?

I remember when we were on our honeymoon I asked my ex-husband what it was that had brought us together. He said timing.

I should have walked away from that marriage right there and then.

In many ways, marriage is contagious. Are there some people in your circle who have gotten married, who have settled down, maybe bought a house and are having babies? And, are you green with envy, thinking that that is the life that you want?

I would encourage you to pause and consider if that really is the life that you want. And if it is, is it the life that you want RIGHT NOW?

I know now what my ex-husband meant by timing and, in retrospect, I know that timing is why we got married. We had just moved in together, our friends were starting to get married and I wanted babies! So, we got engaged and got married.

While my ex-husband and I had a lovely life together in so many ways, and have two great kids because we got married, I do wish that I had waited, waited until I had found someone who I was madly in love with, who I married not because everyone else was and because I wanted to have babies but because he was truly the one I wanted.

My therapist once told me that the people who can successfully bring a struggling marriage back to a healthy place are people who were madly in love with their person from the beginning.

So, consider if you are getting married because it is time or if you are doing so because of the love you feel for your person.

#4 – Are you getting married for yourself?

Ok, so perhaps you are of a certain age. Or perhaps your friends think you should do it. Or perhaps your parents were married when they were younger than you. Or perhaps your religion frowns on non-marital cohabitation. Or perhaps you are pregnant. Or perhaps your grandmother’s dying wish is that you marry your person.

There are many pressures out there, by society and by family and friends, to get married. As I said before, everyone aspires to the happily ever after. And everyone has an opinion on when and where and why a wedding should occur.

I know that my friends insisted that my ex and I were perfect for each other. We were both funny and smart and kind and workaholics. And while I agreed to some degree, I wasn’t 100% sure. But they insisted and, when the time came, I let their opinions over ride mine.

Are you getting married because you know that this is the person who you want to be with forever or because everyone else believes that this is the person for you. Everyone else who doesn’t actually exist inside this relationship, who doesn’t necessarily see or feel what you feel.

This is one of the most important decisions of your life make it for yourself, not for other people.

#5 – Are your values, goals and traditions truly aligned?

Again, weddings are fun, marriage more challenging. And a key part of a healthy marriage are values, goals and traditions that align.

In my marriage, my ex’s and my values and goals were definitely aligned. We wanted to have successful careers and be financially stable. We wanted me to stay home and take care of the kids and for him to work. We wanted to teach our kids to be kind and we wanted to make sure that they felt loved. All of those things were awesome.

What didn’t align for us, however, was our relationships with our extended family. This is something that we were both aware of before we got married but we ignored, figuring it would not have much of an effect on our marriage. And it was, in fact, that thing that tore us apart.

From the beginning we wanted to do things different ways. I wanted to do things the way I was raised and his mother insisted we do things the way she wanted them done. My husband was caught in the middle and handled it very poorly. As a result, his mother and I became increasingly estranged, which did not make things good for anyone. And I started to trust my husband less and less because he wasn’t advocating for me.

Do you and your partner have any values, goals, or traditions that aren’t aligned now? Do you see red flags for things that might be issues in the future but are you ignoring them, hoping that things will change or that they won’t really matter?

If there are red flags, stop! Think carefully. Perhaps even discuss them with your partner! It is very important that you are aligned about the things that will be a daily part of your life, the things that will keep your marriage healthy for years to come.

Knowing that there are things to consider if you are getting married but unsure is, I know, something that you were hoping would never happen to you.

No one wants to think that getting married might not be the right thing for them. I mean, there is a ring on a finger, invitations have been mailed out, and mothers are eager for the big day. You do not want to let anyone down. But you just aren’t sure. You do not want to make a mistake.

I applaud you! The embarrassment that might come from walking away from a wedding is way better than the pain you will have to feel when you get divorced.

So, consider if you are marrying the person who is right in front of you. Are you getting married because of timing or because other people want you to? Are you getting married because of the big white dress? And are you marrying someone you are truly aligned with?

Think about all of these things carefully before you take the next step. You will be glad you did! I promise!

 

5 Things Your Kids Learn When You Cheat

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I know that it feels like an affair is between grown ups and something that kids will never know about but, if they do, the things that your kids learn when you cheat are quite significant and life changing.

We parents work hard to set a good example for our children. We model kindness and honesty because we want our kids to be healthy and happy. And then we go and cheat, something that most likely goes against everything we have taught them. And, with the discovery of an affair, our parental modeling falls apart.

So, if you are considering having an affair, or are in one and wondering if it’s worth it, considering how it might affect your children is a really good idea.

Here are 5 things that your kids learn when you cheat on your spouse.

#1 – That they don’t need to self-soothe.

From almost the moment they are born, we try to teach our children to self-soothe. We let them cry it out when they are falling asleep. We teach them how to manage their emotions and how to work through sadness or disappointment. It’s not an easy thing to teach, especially by adults who struggle to do so themselves.

I have a client who was miserable in her marriage. She had been for years and hadn’t been dealing with it because doing so was difficult. And then she met a co-worker who was in the same space and they were able to share their pain with each other. Before they knew it, their intimate conversations led to feelings of love and attraction. And the affair began.

For the first time in a long time, my client wasn’t miserable. For the first time in a long time, she felt joy and hope for the future. And it was intoxicating.

When she was with her man, she felt wonderful and when she wasn’t, she felt desperate. The pain she was dealing with for years came rushing back when she was living her normal life. Not being with her lover became unbearable.

When her affair was discovered, she tried to explain to her kids that she had been unhappy and that’s why the affair happened. What her kids learned there was that, if you are unhappy, it is okay to reach out to other things to soothe them. Like an affair. Or alcohol or drugs.

Not a good lesson, is it?

#2 – That marriages can be thrown away.

Both of my parents had affairs when I was a child.

I remember vividly going to the office with my dad and knowing that he was having an affair with a co-worker. A strange man used to call my mom all the time. She told us that he was her lawyer.

As a result, from a very young age, I knew that my parent’s relationship wasn’t important to either one of them. They might have pretended that it was but my brother and sister and I all knew it wasn’t.

And, when they got divorced, we were proven exactly right.

My siblings and I, once we started dating, were notorious for never being able to stay in a relationship. We were always looking out for the next shiny thing. Our parents had not taught us how to have respect for a relationship or how to keep one healthy. So, we just stabbed around in the dark, trying to find a relationship that we might consider committing to.

My brother and my sister and I have all had marriages that ended in divorce. Two of us had affairs. We had all sworn that our marriages would be different from our parents and, yet, we had all, unwittingly, learned from their example and followed suit.

So, don’t kid yourself. Your kids are watching and they are learning from you. Don’t, teach them that a marriage is not worth fighting for.

#3 – That they can’t trust their parents.

My father’s first affair happened when I was 7 years old. I was young but I knew, instinctively, that what my father was doing was wrong. That by spending time with another woman he was betraying my mother. And by betraying my mother, he was betraying me.

A child’s relationship with their parents is one based on absolute trust. We need to trust them to learn how to walk, to learn how to interact with others, to learn how to drive a car. They are the foundation of our path to adulthood. And when that trust is broken, our journey to being an adult can be severely damaged.

After the affair, I could no longer rely on them to tell me the truth. When they went to discipline me, I ignored them, knowing that they had nothing to teach me about right and wrong. As a result, my young adulthood was plagued with depression, alcohol and toxic relationships.

That foundational relationship of my life, the one with my parents, one not based on trust, was too weak for me to grow into a healthy adult, one who could be in a healthy relationship with anyone, not even myself.

#4 – That marriages are toxic.

I would say that, almost without exception, affairs happen when relationships are bad. Affairs happen when the disconnect seems insurmountable and leaving seems impossible and that the only solace is reaching for someone else.

And, when kids learn that their parent cheat, they are given a front row seat to just how toxic a marriage can be.

The aftermath of the discovery of an affair is MESSY. Mommies are crying. Daddies are angry. No one is talking. Everyone is pretending that everything is ok but nothing is. This can go on for months or even years.

A child develops their view of marriage from watching their parents. I know that I wanted to believe that I could live happily ever after in my marriage but, in retrospect, I was pretty sure that I knew we wouldn’t make it in the long run. And I was right.

I truly believe that if I had lived in a family where the marriage was based on mutual respect and the ability to communicate, I would have known what a happy marriage looked like and known how to bring that into my own marriage.

But that didn’t happen. And now my kids have two divorced parents. Just like I did.

#5 – That their family isn’t safe.

I know that I keep coming back to this but it is important to say the health of a child’s family is the number one indicator of whether they will be healthy adults. And when an affair is discovered, that family is sickened, often beyond repair.

Think about back to when you were a kid. Think about family birthdays and holidays and vacations. Do you remember how much fun they were? Do you remember how safe you felt when your dad threw you into the water or your mom set down a cake covered with 10 burning candles. You knew that you could rely on these people. That they would always do the right thing for you.

An affair throws all of that into turmoil and, as a result, children no longer feel safe. If their father was willing to love someone other than their mother, how do they know that he won’t find some other children to love as well? If their mother has turned away from their father, how can they believe that she will always be there for them when they need her?

And, knowing that they don’t have a family to keep them safe makes them feel insecure about their place in the world and their hopes for the future. And with that insecurity they venture out into the world, unsure about their place in it.

I know that it’s hard to believe that there are things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse.

I mean, they should be separate right? The affair has nothing to do with the kids, after all.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. Children watch and they listen and they learn. They do not miss anything. When something is off, they know. What they don’t know is what to do if something is off. And, so, they flounder and they act out and they suffer.

Studies have shown that children of cheaters are more likely to be cheaters than those whose parents did not cheat. And, knowing now the painful effect that infidelity can have on someone, wouldn’t you do anything to prevent your child from going through that pain? You wouldn’t intentionally hold your child’s hand to a hot fireplace but you put them right on the path to having an affair and suffering greatly!

So, think carefully about the things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse as you make decisions about what next steps are for you. After all, they should be the priority, right?

 

5 Signs that You are Being Codependent in Your Relationship

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Are your friends telling you that you are being co-dependent in your relationship?

Do you not really know what that means? Is it a term you have heard but are you not clear on its meaning?

The definition of co-dependent is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Now that you understand what that the term codependent means, let’s explore the signs of whether you are being co-dependent in your relationship.

#1 – The need to please.

Do you do anything that you can to please your partner?

Do you dress the way they want you to, listen to the same music they do, cook only their favorite things, compliment them on everything?

Have you basically let go of who you are to keep your person happy?

And have you done this because you are afraid that if you don’t, your partner will be angry or, even worse, leave you?

I have a client who bent over backwards to please her partner. She was sure that if she didn’t, he would leave her. She attended to his every need, pretended that it was ok that he was always late coming over, bought him things and walked his dog. Why did she do all of these things? Because she was worried that he would leave her.

Ultimately, he did leave her. He recognized the codependency in their relationship and didn’t like the role that he was playing in it. So, he left, got his shit together, and soon after found someone who didn’t bend over backwards to please him, with whom he could have a healthy relationship.

#2 – Caretaking.

I know that caretaking might seem a lot like doing anything to please your partner but it isn’t.

Caretaking is supporting your partner’s illness or addiction in a way to justify behaviors or even hide it from the world.

I have a client who was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. He would go on 3 day benders where he disappeared. He would call her from a police station, having been arrested. He was narcissistic and inconsistent in his feelings for her and their relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive.

And, in spite of all that, she still loved him. And, even worse, she protected him.

My client used to go out of her way to protect her man, to not let the world see what he was struggling with. She hid his drinking from his children, she made excuses when he didn’t show up to family events, she justified his absences from their life together.

She took care of him to the point that she was enabling his behavior, his addiction. And this is one of the most destructive hallmarks of codependency caretaking someone in such a way that you don’t give them the opportunity to heal!

#3 – Dependency.

As I have described above, the signs that you are being co-dependent in your relationship, one would think that the person being taken care of would be the dependent one. And while that is true to a degree, there is a dependency on the part of the caregiver that is a sign of codependency.

What do I mean by that?

In the example of my client, over the years she came to NEED to take care of him almost more than he needed to be taken care of. Her determination to keep him safe and well cared for was something that she needed in her life and she felt like, without it, she might die.

As a result, even when faced with his toxicity, she didn’t walk away. She was as addicted to taking care of him as he was to the alcohol. As a result, she couldn’t leave. Even more so, she needed to stay.

So, if you find that you are dependent on taking care of your person as way to keep yourself feeling safe, then that is definitely a sign that you are being codependent in your relationship.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

In any list that I write about signs of a toxic relationship, lack of self-esteem is on there. Lack of self-esteem is definitely one of the top three signs that your relationship is not healthy.

And why does being codependent in a relationship lead to low self-esteem? It seems like it would be the opposite because you are taking care of someone and that must make you feel good about yourself, right?

Yes, taking care of someone feels good, if you are doing it in a healthy way. BUT, if you are being codependent in your relationship, you are over-giving. You are over-caring. And you are doing so at the expense of your own mental well-being.

For my client, her addiction to caring for her partner became the central focus of her life. She gave up work, friends, family and her health in an effort to make sure that her man was well taken care of and protected from outside influences. As a result, her self-esteem sank lower and lower because she stopped knowing who she was outside of the relationship.

Before she met him, my client owned a successful business, was an avid tennis player, had tons of friends and was a great mom. Slowly, one at a time, those things fell away. The things that she enjoyed she stopped doing. Her work suffered as did her children. And, as a result, she felt worse and worse about herself.

Ironically, the lower her self-esteem sank, the more she engaged in the codependent behaviors because, perversely, those behaviors, she believed, would make her feel better about herself.

#5 – An inability to communicate.

The inability to communicate is, like low self-esteem, one of the top three indicators that your relationship is toxic. Communication in a relationship is the thing that holds it together. Not being able to communicate can kill even the healthiest relationship.

As a couple falls into these codependent behaviors, they stop communicating in any meaningful way. Because their lives are basically an illusion, their individual behaviors are based on addiction or caregiving, or some other similar cycle, a couple in a codependent relationship just can’t go there,they can’t talk about their relationship or, usually, anything at all.

And what happens as communications fails in a relationship? Nothing but a big huge mess.

The caregiver tip toes around their partner, trying to keep them happy and safe. The person who is struggling might feel guilty or angry or ashamed or unaware of the efforts of their partner and, because they are struggling, they might project the their issues on to their partner.

From there it is a slow, slippery slide down into chaos, into a codependent relationship that is so toxic that one wonders if anyone can emerge from it intact.

So, if you find that you and your partner can’t communicate about anything, other than perhaps the weather, you are most likely being codependent in your relationship.

Recognizing the signs that you are being codependent in your relationship is a key way to either prevent yourself, or to escape from, that toxic relationship.

In the case of my client, she was able to eventually get away from her partner. Her self-esteem was left in tatters but she wasn’t experiencing this codependency day in and day out so she was able to start to heal.

So, look out for the signs in your relationship. Do you over-give or take care of your person in a way to keep them happy or to protect them? Are you dependent on that caregiving for your own happiness? Are you struggling with who you are in the world? Can you not talk about any of it with your partner? If any, or all, of these signs are present, you might very well be being codependent in your relationship.

I can tell you that codependency does not have to be forever and it doesn’t have to mean the death of a relationship. If both parties recognize the codependent behavior, and are willing to make change, a good therapist or life coach can work with you to alter your behaviors. That being said, if only one person wants to make change, chances are that the relationship will stay codependent and toxic.

So, take a good look at the state of your relationship so that you can decide if you want to stay and make it work or get on with your life, toward finding a healthy relationship so that you can be happy!

You can do it!

5 Reasons He Won’t Commit but Still Won’t Let You Go

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Are you in a relationship where he won’t commit but still won’t let you go?

Is your guy happy to spend time with you but won’t take it any further, no matter how much you talk about it?

Are you getting more and more unhappy every day, confused about what he wants and unsure about the future?

So many women tell themselves a story when their person won’t commit. They believe that the reasons he won’t let them go is because he secretly really wants them but is overwhelmed at the idea of moving forward. That he wants to be financially, and emotionally, stable before he commits. That he needs to truly get over his ex before he can move on.

But the truth is if a guy wants to commit to a someone he will commit to them. Period.

It is essential that you learn the truth behind why he won’t commit but still won’t let you go so that you can decide what YOU want and take next steps!

#1 – He is scared.

We all like to be in relationships and men are no different.

We go into them with hopes and dreams that we have finally found our person, that we will have a healthy and happy relationship and that we will live happily ever after. And, when a relationship fails, the future is very scary.

Think about it. Are you worried that, if you do break up, you will have to put yourself back out into the world? Do you dread getting on the dating sites? Do you believe that you might never love or be loved again?

Of course, you do. We all do. And that is why we stay in relationships that don’t work.

One of the reasons that men stay in a relationship that they won’t commit to is because they are scared to walk away. They are scared that, if they do, they will regret it because they won’t be able to find someone else or that they will be bored or get horny.

Furthermore, he is scared that by telling you that he doesn’t want to commit, he will hurt you. No guy wants, for any reason, to hurt a woman. So, he believes that if he tells you the truth about the fact that he wants out, he will hurt you and he wants to avoid that at all costs.

So, basically, your guy is scared. And that is one of the reasons why he won’t let you go.

#2 – He can’t make up his mind.

This happens all the time. We get into relationships that are good enough but they aren’t all we want. The ‘good enough is the operative phrase here“ no one wants good enough” we all want really good.

So, if he won’t commit but still won’t let you go it might because he just is not sure if he should stay or he should go.

Is your relationship good enough? Are there highs and lows, maybe with the lows becoming more frequent because you are pushing for a commitment that he won’t give. Do you feel like you aren’t consistently getting what you want emotionally? Is he not attentive for a few days and then starts being so again?

This inconsistent behavior, where your guy actually seems to be one person one day and another person another day, is a sign that your guy can’t make up his mind.

He probably wants it to work, so he leans in for a bit trying to convince himself that it is more than good enough.And then when he sees that it’s not, he leans back out again. He might even be doing this cycle over and over and over.

And this, ladies, is a guy who can’t make up his mind. He is worried that he might be letting go of a good thing but is leaning towards the fact that he probably won’t be and can’t get himself all the way there.

We all have a hard time making decisions, especially around relationships, so if your guys is struggling with this one, it’s not surprising.

#3 – He is getting what he wants.

Be honest. Does your guy get everything that he wants from you, even if he gives you crumbs?

Can he show up at your house after a night out with the guys and get sex? Do you pack him lunch when he spends the night? Do you do his laundry and his grocery shopping and clean his house? Do you buy birthday presents for his mother?

All of those things are great and so why would he walk away from you, particularly if he doesn’t have to give you much in return?

I had a client who told me that she couldn’t understand why her boyfriend had left her. She told me that she did everything” for him, for the sole purpose of making herself indispensable. She gave and gave and gave and he stayed because he loved being taken care of. He stopped giving much in return but was happy to receive whatever she wanted to give him. As a result, he started taking her, and the things that she did for him, for granted.

The key part of this when you give and give and expect nothing in return is that your man will lose interest. Men might enjoy when someone takes care of them but they also want someone who has expectations of them. He might grumble about them but what a man really wants is someone who considers herself an equal and worthy of his care.

So, if you give and give, your man could lose respect for you and not want to commit. And the reason he won’t let you go is because his needs are being satisfied enough to stay.

That is, until someone else comes along who can satisfy his needs and challenge him.

So, if you he won’t commit but still won’t let you go, it might be because you are giving him so much and asking nothing in return.

#4 – He needs you.

I am guessing when you read the above title your heart gave a little lurch. He needs me, you thought. He must love me.

Unfortunately, the way I mean that he needs you is not the thing that hearts soar about. Quite the opposite in fact.

Does your guy need you to do his laundry? Do you let him stay at your apartment? Does he use your car to get to work? Do you take care of his kids when he goes out at night? Do you walk his dog? Do you give him money?

Would your guy be lost without you?

I have a client whose boyfriend is completely dependent on her. He lives with her, she pays for everything, she includes him in her family events, knowing that he has no family to speak of. She makes his doctor’s appointments and makes sure he gets where he needs to be on time.

The long and short of it is is that he needs her. Without her, his life would be a mess. He would have no place to live, and no money. He would be lonely and bored and unhealthy.

Even so, he doesn’t want to marry her because doing so would mean forever. So, he stays. He won’t let her go, no matter how much she asks him to. She is sick of his mooching off her she would love for him to let her go, but he won’t.

So, one of the reasons your guy might not let you go is because he needs you, literally, to survive.

#5 – He is procrastinating.

It takes A LOT to break up with someone.

To do so you have to be willing to say the words, to hurt someone you care, or cared, about. You have to change up your life. You have to get back out in the dating world. Etc etc.

It takes a lot for someone to break up with someone, even if they want to do it. And many guys just don’t want to make the effort to do so.

And this isn’t just a guy thing no one wants to do something that they just don’t want to do. We don’t want to deal with our car engine noise, so we won’t until the engine dies. We don’t want to address the ache in our shoulder, so we don’t until we are in so much pain that we just have to.

So, one of the reasons that he won’t commit but still won’t let you go is that he is just plain not doing what he should be doing. He just doesn’t want to deal. So, he stays, half-heartedly, and waits until things get bad enough that he has to move on!

I know that the fact that he won’t commit but still won’t let you go is incredibly painful.

I know that you want more than anything to be in a committed relationship and you wonder, all the time, whether you should stay or you should go. You might still love your person and believe that you can have a happily ever after but you also know that you just don’t want to waste any more time.

So, keep the things I refer to above in mind. A guy who won’t commit but stays is often someone who is scared. Who can’t make up his mind. Who is getting all of his needs met and who knows that without you he would struggle to survive. Who just doesn’t want to do the hard work involved breaking up and moving on.

Note that none of the reasons that I list above is that your guy won’t commit because he secretly loves you and is processing his thoughts, fully preparing to be able to be the person that you deserve, before he commits. Don’t kid yourself.

Again, if a guy wants to commit, he commits.

5 Surprising Signs That Your Relationship is Solid

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Are you looking to the universe to show you signs that your relationship is solid?

You are not alone! We all want to believe that the relationship we are in is solid that we have found OUR PERSON.

Unfortunately, we often fool ourselves into thinking that something that feels awesome ‘most of the time’ or where the sex is good or where things are great when they are great is a solid relationship, only to be disappointed when it ends in heartbreak like all of the others before.

Knowing the signs that your relationship is solid is the best way to stop fooling yourself and walk away from a relationship that isn’t any good or celebrating if it is and moving forward with confidence.

Here are 5 surprising signs that your relationship is solid so that you will know, once and for all, if you should stay or if you should go.

#1 – You can be yourself, always.

Be honest. How many times have you twisted yourself into a pretzel in a relationship, trying to be someone who you aren’t?

How many times have you tried to act chill when you are not really? Have you worn high heels when you are a flats kind of girl? How many times have you pretended to like music that you hate?

It is a huge sign that your relationship is solid when you don’t have to be anything other than the person you are. Why? Because, when you are in a solid relationship, your person will love you exactly the way you are.

When I first met my ex-husband I definitely wasn’t the real me. I tried to act chill when he couldn’t spend time with me, I started listening to music that he liked, I hung out with his friends even though they drove me nuts, and I never complained about his family. And then, once we got married, I started to be more true to myself. As a result, I wasn’t the person who he fell in love with and now we are divorced!

In my current relationship, I am all that I am – impatient, kind, caring, a lover of Broadway tunes, and someone who works ALL the time. My boyfriend is very different from me but he loves me for exactly who I am, my work obsessions and all.

So, if you feel like you can be yourself, always, it’s a big sign that your relationship is solid.

#2 – You are self-confident.

I have a client who I am on the phone with almost every day. She and her boyfriend generally text throughout the day, and on the days that the texting is intermittent, she is a mess.

She believes that if she doesn’t hear from him, he no longer likes her, even though they woke up together that morning. If she doesn’t hear from him, she starts feeling needy and unloved. If she doesn’t hear from him, she makes up stories in her head about how she is not worthy. And she refuses to ask him to stay in touch during the day because she doesn’t want to seem needy.

If you are in a solid relationship, you won’t ever feel that way. You won’t feel that you are less than if you don’t hear from your person for a few hours. And you won’t ever feel needy when you ask for what you want because you know that you deserve it.

What you will feel instead is the self-confidence that comes from being fully loved and supported. How amazing would that feel?

#3 – You feel safe and steady.

Did you wake up this morning feeling really good? Did you kiss your boyfriend as you headed out the door, happy and not worried about your relationship? Was your mind free to focus on what was in front of you instead of obsessing about something he said last night?

Or did you seek reassurance from your person that you would hear from them during the day, that you would spend the night together, that they really loved you, that they wanted to be with you forever?

Someone who is in a solid relationship will feel safe and steady. Instead of always being on edge because they are unsure if things are good, a person in a solid relationship feels safe and secure in it. While there might be occasional disagreements, they know that their person is there and that they have their back. That gives them the confidence to feel good about their relationship so that they can focus on other things!

#4 – You believe that you can accomplish anything.

One thing I have noticed over the course of my solid relationship is how powerful I feel. How I feel like I can take on the world. How I know that nothing will get in the way if I don’t let it.

Why? Because my boyfriend supports me 100%. And he tells me over and over and shows me by giving me the freedom to pursue my passions.

This has definitely not always happened in the past. I have been in relationships with men that made me feel unsteady. Relationships that were up and down and where I wasn’t always sure of my place in it. As a result, I didn’t believe in myself to the extent that I wanted to. While my life was good enough, I wasn’t living up to my true potential.

In retrospect, I know that I was strong enough to live up to my true potential on my own, but I didn’t know it. Being in a solid relationship has helped me to see that I am, to truly believe it, and to be successful.

#5 – You look to the future with hope.

Do you struggle every day with feelings of hopelessness? Do you look ahead to the next hour, day, week, month, or even year, with dread?

Do you dread the weekend because you aren’t sure if you are going to see him? Do you dread Christmas because your partner doesn’t like your family? Do you worry if you will be able to talk him into having kids?

Do you worry that this relationship won’t work out and do you believe that if it doesn’t, you will never love or be loved again?

If you feel this way, this is a sign that you don’t have a solid relationship. Someone in a solid relationship is someone who looks forward with hope. Who knows that the weekend will be amazing, even if you are just staying home. Who knows that you are on the same page as your partner about the future and that it feels good. And who knows that, no matter what, your relationship will prevail.

If you feel any sense of hopelessness or dread about the future, it is definitely a sign that you aren’t in a solid relationship and that it might be time to walk away.

So, now that I have shared the 5 surprising signs that you are in a solid relationship, do you have a better sense of what kind of relationship you are in?

It is very important to be honest with ourselves about the state of our relationship. It is so easy to ignore the red flags, to justify behaviors, to make excuses to keep your relationship intact. But if you do those things, you will only be wasting your time, hoping that your relationship can grow into something it’s not.

Furthermore, don’t kid yourself if you felt the things that I listed above at the beginning of the relationship but not so much now. It is not unusual to feel that way in the beginning but if things change as the relationship evolves, don’t try to kid yourself that things can be that way again. Things never go back to the way they were in the beginning. Sorry.

I always tell my clients that it’s important that they love the person who is right there in front of them, not the person they were or the person they could be. If the person right there in front of you is all the things I wrote about above, then you are in the solid relationship that you have always sought.

Well done!

 

How to Forgive Yourself after an Affair – Even if it Seems Unlikely

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I know that it is probably inconceivable to you that you could forgive yourself after an affair.

I mean, you have gone against everything you thought you knew about yourself and you are, most likely, stuck in this place of self-loathing.

What I can tell you is that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair, that there will come a time when you will be able to hold your head up high and trust yourself again. You just need to take some action steps to get there.

Here are 5 ways to forgive yourself after an affair. You can do it!

#1 – Have compassion for yourself.

I am guessing that you probably hate yourself right now. You have let yourself, and everyone you know, down and it’s something that you never would have expected of yourself.

I am also guessing that you believe that you are stupid and weak and immoral and friendless and you are feeling embarrassed and angry and sad and overwhelmed.

And all of those things are natural. They are the things that we think and feel when we have let ourselves, and those around us, down.

But I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. After all, you are only human!

I had a client who was absolutely destroyed that she had had an affair. Both of her parents cheated, and she never thought that she would do the same. But she did.

What we came to realize as we talked about it was that she had been really struggling. Her mother just died, her kids were teenagers, the finances were tight. And, as a result, she was vulnerable to doing something self-destructive to mask the way she was feeling. Usually, she used ice cream or wine to self-soothe but this time it was different. This time it was a man and an affair.

This is not to say that she dove right into the affair. She and this man were friends. They confided in each other. She could explain to him what she was struggling with in a way that she couldn’t explain it to her husband. She felt safe with him. She trusted him.

She barely even noticed that she was developing feelings for him until one day, out of the blue, he kissed her. Before you knew it, they were on the slippery slope down to infidelity.

Why I am telling you her story is this – my client never set out to have an affair. She was in a really dark place, vulnerable, and she opened herself up to someone else for comfort. She was not an evil person – she was a person in the world, a vulnerable person who made a mistake.

Having compassion for yourself is not justifying your cheating but, rather, it is a way for you to forgive yourself after an affair. If you can understand that you are only human, that you were in a place where you needed something to help you cope, and that you never set out to be unfaithful, then you will be well on your way to forgiving yourself.

#2 – Commit to walking away.

I know that for most of my clients who are having an affair, walking away is the hardest thing to do.

‘But I love him,’ they say. ‘How can I live without him?’

Because they believe that their affair partner is the only person who can make them happy, they can’t walk away. As a result, they just continue this cycle of letting themselves down which, in turn, only leads to more self-hatred.

I truly believe that the reason it’s so hard to walk away from an affair is not because of your affair partner but because of the person you are when you are with them.

Think about it. Think about who you are in real life. Are you a mother, a brother, an employee, a chauffeur? Do you volunteer and work long hours and struggle with finances and have no sex life? Has it been years since you have really felt like yourself?

When people have affairs, they suddenly become re-acquainted with the person they used to be. They feel happy, hopeful, sexy, beautiful, wanted, special. And that is what is so hard to walk away from – being that person again.

So, I encourage you to, if you want to forgive yourself after an affair, walk away from your person. I know that you think that you can’t live without that person, but consider trying to love yourself – to stay in touch with the person you were in the affair when you are out of it.

If you can be the person who you want to be in life, you won’t need something else that isn’t good for you. Something that alternately makes you feel good about yourself for a few minutes and then filled with self-hatred a few minutes later!

#3 – Dig into the source.

As I said before, many people who have an affair are people who are in a rough spot. People who were struggling with issues before the affair even started.

One of my clients was in a really tough spot. She was depressed, lonely, lost and unsure what to do about it. It seemed that, no matter what she tried, she couldn’t get out of this spot. We tried working together to get through this but then she disappeared.

By the time she reappeared, she was having an affair. She had embarked on one when we were still talking but she had stopped coming because she was in this affair and it was making her feel good about herself, feel loved and feel connected again. She figured she didn’t need me anymore.

But then she came back. Why? Because her affair no longer made her feel that way. Instead, her affair has started to make her feel even worse.

Why is it that you got into your affair? I am guessing that it’s not something that you set out to do but something that happened over time, something that you thought you could manage.

It is important to identify what you are struggling with, what might have been the thing that made you vulnerable to infidelity.

For my client, she had just returned from living overseas and she was struggling with re-entry. She felt like she no longer fit in with her community and she felt lonely and lost. I explained to her that, in order to forgive yourself after an affair, it is essential that you take a good hard look at where you were in the world that would allow you to go someplace that you never thought you would go.

So, what are you struggling with that might have made you vulnerable to infidelity? Think about it. Seek to get help to work on it. If you can soothe yourself, instead of looking to your affair partner to do so, you will be way more likely to forgive yourself after an affair!

#4 – Be honest.

Part of forgiving yourself after an affair is starting to like yourself again. Starting to act like the person you want to be in the world. A person who people can respect. Not the person you are now that you are in an affair.

So, how can you do that if you aren’t honest with yourself and your partner? If you can’t take ownership of what has happened and the hurt that you have caused?

I have a client whose husband had an affair. It had happened a while back but they had never been able to work through it because he refuses to talk about it. She so wants to, so that she can understand what happened but he just won’t get into it.

And, what has happened as a result? Their marriage is actually getting worse and not better because every time he isn’t honest with his wife he knows that he is letting her down. He knows that by acting like the affair wasn’t a big deal he is only hurting his wife more. And that definitely isn’t helping him forgive himself.

So, be honest with yourself and with those around you about your affair. It is important that you all have the space and time to process what has happened so that you can work through it and so that you can forgive yourself and maybe even be forgiven!

#5 – Give it time.

The old saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ is an accurate one. While the pain of the fact that you had an affair might always be with you, over time the pain will dull and you will be able to go on with your life.

That being said, you can’t just sit there and wait for time to pass. It is important that you do the work that you need to do to work through what has happened and why you had an affair. It is essential that you are honest with yourself and with others about the affair and its aftermath. It is important that you work to get in touch with the person you were before the affair, before the struggles started. The person who you looked at in the mirror and liked.

If you can do these things, if you can do things that make you feel good about yourself and strong and capable and not vulnerable to things that aren’t good for you, then time will truly heal all wounds.

As you continue to be the person you want to be, to get stronger, to own up to your mistakes, you will find that forgiving yourself after an affair is possible.

I hope that now you know that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair.

Getting to that place of forgiveness is all on you, though. You have to do the hard work. This guilt won’t just pass.

But, if you have read this far, I am guessing that you are determined to make change, to do what you need to do, to move forward and forgive yourself.

You can do it!

5 Ways His Mother Can Poison Your Relationship (Even if She Doesn’t Mean To)

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine said to me: Just so you know, there are ways that his mother can poison your relationship even if she doesn’t mean to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us.Boy, was I wrong.

Mother in laws aren’t inherently evil and have developed a bad rap. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship and some things that you can do to stop that poison in its tracks before it kills.

#1 – She has always done things just so.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother always did things just so.Christmas Eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat everything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex husband’s life, my mother in law did things just so,” but her just so” didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our relationship.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on; he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mom’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mom’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do just so and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2 – They go way back.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAAAAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how his mother can poison your relationship, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your relationship, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – He might have conflicted allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but one of their strong points is not managing conflict between women. Remember, women spend every minute of every day of their life processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So ,what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion.Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all  that’s what couples do.

#4 – You might be jealous.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, rearranging your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like dating a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart  there is lots of room in there for all of you,” even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that his mother can poison your relationship actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her. And tell yourself that, or, even worse, telling him, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can lovely you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends. Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause they really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way his mother can poison your relationship is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then being getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your partner’s mother are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into account. Just because you are now (somewhat) related doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your best friend; you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship, even if she does not mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship of two women who love the same man mother,”son, or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part of this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your partner’s mother poison your relationship. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

Why It’s Hard to Break Up with Someone Even if You Don’t Love Them

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Are you completely flummoxed about why it’s hard to break up someone, even if you don’t love them?

Do you think that it should be easy? I mean, you don’t love them and you want to find someone you do love, so breaking up should be easy, right?

Over my years of coaching clients in this exact position, I have come to learn that there are 5 clear reasons why it’s hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them. Knowing and understanding them might help you be able to take the step and break up with them so that you can both move on.

#1 – The idea of hurting them feels bad.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don’t love and the one that frustrates me the most because it’s not a good reason!

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It is really amazing. And, almost without exception, especially if they sleep with him, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And do you know what he does? He doesn’t tell them he isn’t interested.He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is afraid to hurt them.

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth.  Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don’t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#2 – You don’t want to mess up your friend group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people who find it hard to break up with someone it’s because of the effect that it will have on their friend group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren’t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love because of your friends, don’t. Move on. It might be tough in the short term but, in the long term, it is the right thing to do for both of your future happiness!

#3 -You are hoping things will change.

This is a really hard to accept reason why you can’t break up with someone that doing so will mean that you have accept that things might never change, that as much as you hope they will go back to the way things were or improve in the future, they won’t.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn’t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn’t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn’t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams as a result.

So, if you still hope that your relationship will change, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on the quality of your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it’s the first, keep fighting. If it’s the second, it’s time to move on.

#4 – You believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

This might one of the primary reasons that you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love.

I don’t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking, in high school, that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to be unhappy because, if you are stuck in this relationship, you won’t be able to find someone else.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, know that, if you do, if you can find the strength to do so, you will be way more likely to find the person of your dreams.

#5 – You are worried that you are making a mistake.

I have a client who has been in a relationship with a man since the start of Covid, March 2020.

Within months she knew that this was not the guy for her. He wasn’t employed, his politics were way off, she always had to pay for things, he would gaslight her horribly and pitifully apologize for what he had said. She was miserable and wanted out in a big way. But she couldn’t break up with him.

Why? Because she was worried that she was making a mistake. From the outside looking in, I knew that she wasn’t making a mistake but there was nothing I could do to convince her; she was just too close to it all to see clearly.

My client had been told by her parents over and over that she made stupid decisions. No matter what the choice she made they second guessed her. As a result, she really struggles with the wisdom of her decision to break up with him, even if she no longer loves him.

To deal with this, I encouraged her to look at past relationships, ones that she ultimately ended. Did it take her awhile to take action but she is glad that she did? And the answer was definitely yes. She managed to leave her husband after being unhappy for years. And, as a result, she was much happier. Recognizing this has helped her see that she can trust her own instincts, for her own happiness.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, it might be because you are worried that you are making a mistake. If this is you, push back on those fears. Look at past relationships that you managed to get out of and see if, ultimately, you made a mistake.

I am guessing probably not!

Finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them is not unusual.

I mean, you have all of this time invested in the relationship and you don’t like to give up on anything.

But you can do it! Knowing the signs will help.

If you are worried about hurting them and you don’t want to mess up your friend group, if you are hoping for change and worried that you are making a mistake or, worst of all, if you are worried that you will never love or be loved again, these are all reasons why breaking up is so difficult.

But you can do it. If you can accept that there will be some pain and uncomfortableness around a break up, if you can believe that you will be loved again, if you can have confidence that you aren’t making a mistake, then you will be able to break up with the person you don’t love and find a relationship that will make you happy!

5 Ways to Help a Friend Who is Depressed After a Break Up

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Good for you for trying to figure out how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up.

The second worst thing in the world, after getting depressed over our own break-up, is watching a friend suffer through one. We have been there, and we know how much it hurts, and our hearts go out to them.

What we don’t always know is the best way to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up. The path to break-up recovery is full of minefields, and as a friend, you want to help them through it and not make things worse.

To that end, here are ways to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up, ways that will get them through these dark times quicker, without leading to you ending up in the dog house for your efforts.

#1 – Consider what would you want…

When you have a friend who is depressed after a breakup, sometimes you feel helpless about how to help. One thing I would suggest is asking yourself what you would want.

I remember when my 13-year-old daughter’s best friend had a terrible break-up. My 13-year-old had never had a boyfriend, but the first thing she told her friend to do was to get some ice cream.

When she told me that, I knew that that was probably the first thing I would tell a friend as well, but I wondered how she knew, considering she had never had her heart broken.

‘That’s what I would want if I was feeling sad,’ she said. Brilliant.

So, think about what you would want if you were in the same place. I know that I would want to cry for a bit and then go out for a drink (or 5) with friends and rag on him and then go to the movies. I would eat Pad Thai and French fries and block him on my phone. I would suggest all of those things to my friend and see what stuck.

#2 – …but ask them what they want too.

I know that above I suggested doing things for your friend that you would want done for you, but sometimes what we would want just isn’t helpful at all. As a result, your friend could actually feel worse, being forced to do the things that would make YOU feel better.

So ask your friend what they need from you during these dark times. Do they want you around, or do they want you to go home? Do they want you to help them make a list of how horrible their ex is, or do they want to reminisce about how wonderful things were in the beginning? Do they want pizza or ice cream? Knowing what they want is the best way that we can help a friend in distress.

Of course, it’s often hard to see what would work when we are in such a dark place, so your friend might say they don’t know what they want. If that happens, go back to what you would want and see if any of those things appeal. You are friends, after all, so they just might.

#3 – Give them space.

Our tendency, when someone we love is hurting, is to hover over them, ready to take care of them. For women, especially, the inclination to make someone stop hurting is intense.

Unfortunately, many people err on the side of too much. They hover, waiting to do something that their person might want. They insist on sleeping over or staying for dinner or they do dishes or laundry or walk the dog, all in the attempt to help their person.

And, often, that just makes their person sadder.

So, pay attention to the signs. Yes, we like to have people around when we are in a dark place, but if you see any signs that you are being annoying, act on them. Make yourself scarce.

#4 – Listen to them and don’t try to fix them.

The number one worst thing that we can do when someone we love is depressed is to try to fix them. We so want to help, and yet, by trying to fix them, we tend to take only makes things worse.

Think about when you are feeling bad, no matter what the reason. Doesn’t it just piss you off when someone says ‘it’s all going to be ok,’ or ‘get over it’ or ‘relax’ or ‘move on.’ All of those things seem like platitudes and only make us feel horrible.

Even worse is when people start questioning your choices. ‘How can you be crying over that asshole?’ ‘Eating ice cream on the couch is a waste of time.’ ‘If you just take a shower we will go out and you will feel better.’

I 100% support you in the desire to help your friend who is depressed after a break-up, or for any reason, but thinking that you can fix them, or that they want to be fixed, will only make them feel worse about themselves, and all that trying to fix will do is drive a wedge between you.

So, listen to what they say, give them empathy, let them know that you are there but don’t try to fix them. They need to be broken for a while, and it’s up to them to fix themselves when they are ready.

#5 – Model healthy behaviors.

As I said above, trying to fix someone when they are feeling depressed will only backfire. Even if you believe that your friend needs to get out of the house and start living again, telling them so will only ground them further into their couch.

So, what should you do instead? You should do the things that you want your friend to do.

Imagine if you were feeling sad and your friend told you that it was time for you to get up and go for a walk with her, that it would make her feel better. How would that make you feel, having someone tell you what you needed to do to feel better? Not so good.

Instead, I would tell your friend that you are going for a walk and getting some ice cream. Paint a picture of what a perfect day it is for it and how good that chocolate chip is going to taste. By doing this, you are using the power of suggestion, planting the idea in her head that these things might be fun instead of telling her. That way, she might actually decide to go because she thinks that it’s her idea. And if she doesn’t go that time, she might just go the next time. On her own terms!

Knowing how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up is hard.

There is truly nothing worse than a broken heart – we have all been there, and we know – and seeing someone suffer from one is devastating.

But remember, this is your friend’s journey. You won’t be able to fix them. You can be by their side, encouraging them and supporting them, but ultimately it will be up to them to take the steps that they need to take to get past the break-up and move on.

So, be a friend – be there for them, but don’t try to fix them. Ask them what they need and don’t tell them what you think they need. And when they don’t want you around, respect that.

And remember – your friend will be fine. It might take a while, but be patient. You know that no one ever dies from a broken heart. And your friend won’t either.

Life does go on, after all!

How to Save Your Marriage After Infidelity and Lies

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Knowing how to save a marriage after infidelity and lies is the key to actually being able to do it!

When we set out to save a marriage, for any reason, we often make the mistake of not defining our goal specifically and identifying the things that need to be done to get there.

If you truly want to save your marriage after infidelity, focus your goal on that and make sure that the items below are a part of your toolkit.

#1 – Be Honest

It is essential that, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, you be honest with each other. No marriage can be saved without honesty, and honesty is the key to every happy relationship.

What do you need to be honest about? Several things.

The first is for the cheater to be honest about what happened. To own up to the infidelity and take ownership of what they have done by having the affair. Too many people, mostly because they are consumed with guilt, deny that the affair was a big deal, saying that it was just something that happened and that they want to forget about.

As a result, the other person feels cheated. They feel lied to. They feel disrespected. And that doesn’t set the stage for saving a marriage.

Another thing that is essential to be honest about is whether or not you want the marriage to be saved. Unless both people in the relationship want to work through this, there is no reason to even try.

Why? If one person wants to move forward, someone who doesn’t want to will only hold the other person back. If one person doesn’t want to move forward, they should be honest with their spouse and let them go so that they have an opportunity to heal.

So, if you want to save your marriage after infidelity and lies, it is essential to start by being honest with each other. If you don’t, your marriage is definitely doomed.

#2 – Be Patient

I know that the pain that you are feeling right now is huge. Whether you cheated or are the person cheated on, the revelation that there was cheating is devastating.

And, when we are in pain, we want more than anything for it to be gone, to return to normal again. Because normal might have been painful but less so.

It will take a couple a while to heal their marriage after infidelity. The person who cheated is most likely overwhelmed with guilt, even if they don’t think they are. And the person who was cheated on is probably struggling with anger, hurt, self-doubt and worse. Those emotions aren’t easy to get past.

So be patient. Know that the pain is going to stick around for a while. Figure out ways to manage it and don’t take it out on your partner.

If you take your pain out on your partner by treating them with contempt, you will only set yourself up for more pain and maybe the end of your marriage. There are ways to manage your pain without making things worse.

I would encourage you to keep yourself busy. There is nothing worse than sitting in your head all day, obsessing about what happened. Even worse is stalking them on social media, trying to learn more about the lover and trying to figure out if your partner is still cheating.

I would also encourage you to take care of yourself. Exercise, eat well, spend time with people who love and support you and get enough sleep (I know – easier said than done right now). If you can take care of yourself right now, instead of sitting on the couch eating ice cream and obsessing, you will find that your pain will be lessened, if only for a little bit!

So, manage your pain as you work through saving your marriage. You will be glad you did!

#3 – Be Committed

If you are trying to save your marriage after infidelity, I would encourage you to decide whether you are committed to doing the work to save it.

I always tell my clients, when they are trying to stay away from someone who has broken their heart, to not be wishy-washy – to not say that they are going to ‘try’ to stay away from them. That they are going to ‘try’ to not respond to their texts. That they are going to ‘try’ to not stalk them on social media.

If you truly want to save your marriage, it is essential that you both are truly committed to making it happen. Commitment, the belief that you CAN do something, is the key to having success in anything, whether at work or in your personal life.

So, take a good look at how you are feeling. I am guessing that you aren’t sure if your marriage can be saved but being fully committed to doing the work to try to save it will only set you up for success.

I remember when my ex wanted to go to therapy after he asked for a divorce it was only so that ‘our marriage would end well.’ From my perspective, why even bother? He had made up his mind and therapy would have been a waste of time. I wished it could have been different but it was what it was. So, I went off and did my therapy and am now living happily ever after.

So, if you aren’t fully committed to making the effort to save your marriage, don’t even try.

#4 – Be Willing to Get Help

So many people believe that they can survive anything without getting any help.

For some reason, getting professional help to get you through difficult times has been stigmatized. We believe that we are tough, that we can get through anything on our own.

But this just isn’t the case. Why? Because you have never done this before. Never tried to save your marriage after infidelity.

Imagine that someone took you skiing and you had never been skiing once in your life. You decide not to take lessons because ‘how hard can it be?’ And then you find yourself at the top of the mountain with strange boards on your feet having no idea what to do next.

Getting through infidelity is the same. You have never been through this before and trying the DIY version of working through it will only end in more pain.

So, if you are both honestly committed to working through trying to save your marriage, I would encourage you to reach out to a professional marriage counselor or life coach who could help you take the steps to do so!

#5 – Be Respectful

I am guessing that you read this title and you thought to yourself – no way! Your person has cheated on you – you don’t owe them any respect.

I know that they have hurt you, deeply, but if you can’t treat them with respect, the respect that they deserve as a person, even if they have made a huge mistake, then you are just sabotaging any chances of saving your marriage.

Furthermore, I would encourage you not to talk to everyone about what has happened. Of course, we all have people who we need to process things with but getting out into the community and telling everyone what happened would only make things worse.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married woman and, when she decided to leave the relationship, he felt completely abandoned. And hurt. And he wanted to hurt her as much as he was hurt himself.

So, he decided that he was going to approach her and her husband, in front of all of their friends, and tell the husband what had happened between them. He knew that if he did this, his ex’s reputation in the community would be destroyed and that, if they ever got back together, not only would he be ridiculed but it would be hard for them to be respected as a couple.

So, if you want to save your marriage after your partner cheated, I would encourage you not to do or say anything that you can’t take back. I would encourage you to treat your partner like you would want to be treated. If you don’t, you are only setting yourself up to end your marriage.

Knowing some of the things to do if you want to save your marriage after infidelity is the best way to actually reach your goal.

It’s not going to be easy to come back after infidelity, but if you are honest, committed, willing to get help, and be respectful, you are setting yourself up, in a big way, for success.

I know that you can do this! And, no matter how it all ends up, you can know that you did your best and that you maintained your self-esteem in the process!

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