5 Red Flags That Signal That Your Relationship is Toxic

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Are you wondering if your relationship is toxic? Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can get yourself out of a relationship that is toxic and also keep you from entering one in the future.

Here are 5 flags that signal that your relationship is toxic, five flags that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You walk on eggshells.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action and feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends more time in the garage knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear red flag that your relationship is toxic. No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is shot.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. She not longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a sign that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – Your health is failing.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not being loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eat well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a sign that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider what the next steps are for you to get your health back.

#4 – You are noticing substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be payed attention to.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to substances to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

On the other hand, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – Your friends have pulled away.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, it is possible that your individual friends will pull way from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is the reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

I know that prospect is daunting but you can do it – you only have one life to live and living it the way you are now isn ‘ t serving you in any way. Reach out to a therapist or a life coach and see what you can do to help heal your relationship or to help you walk away.

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Key Behaviors that Help Build A Healthy Relationship after Infidelity

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Have you or your partner had an affair and are you now wondering if you can have a healthy relationship after infidelity?

Many people say no, that it is not possible to be happy after a partner has strayed but I believe that it is possible to get past an affair and be happy again.

Having a healthy relationship after infidelity is something to strive for but it won ‘ t happen without a lot of hard work and patience.

Here are 5 key behaviors to make sure are part of your relationship so that you, too, can get through this time together, as a couple.

#1 – Resolve.

First and foremost, both members of a relationship need to be resolved to make this relationship work.

Often times, after an affair, the person who strayed is only interested in putting the affair behind them and moving on. The person who was betrayed is often harder to convince. They are left with questions, ones that often go unanswered, self doubt, lack of trust and serious doubts about the future.

If both partners aren ‘ t resolved to work on recovering their relationship, there is no way it can happen.

I have a client whose partner strayed twice. She feels horribly betrayed but is willing to work to get their marriage back on track. Her husband simply wants the affair to disappear and for everything to go back to normal. He says he wants to do the work and is willing to go to a therapist but his heart isn ‘ t really in it. As a result, she is frustrated, even more hurt and questioning the future of her marriage.

So, unless both members are determined to do the work, the chances of having an healthy relationship after infidelity are minimal.

#2 – Communicate.

As I say in EVERY blog I write, communication in any healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Without communication, relationships are doomed to fail.

After an affair, communication becomes even more important. What I have seen in almost all of my clients who have been betrayed is the desire to understand the how and why of the affair.

How did you meet? Where did you meet? Why did you meet? How long have I been lied to? Did you laugh about me while you did this? Will this happen again? How will things be different this time?

In many cases, the person who had the affair isn ‘ t willing, or able, to answer those questions. Often times, affairs just happen – they literally sneak up on the two people and before you know it, a relationship has been betrayed. When this happens, it’s hard to answer the ‘ ˜why. ‘ Also, people who have affairs often feel so guilty and ashamed that they don ‘ t want to talk about it. They know they have let down and betrayed their partner and they are mortified.

No matter what the reason it might be difficult to talk about an affair, to answer the questions that might come up, it is essential that both are done. Honesty and transparency are the keys to how a couple can rebuild a healthy relationship after infidelity.

So, make an effort to address each others questions. If it is difficult to do so, dig deep and try. If you can ‘ t, it is important that you get the help of a therapist or a life coach who can help you draw out the answers.

#3 – Understand.

It is very important for both members of a relationship to understand, and accept, how the other is feeling.

The person who has been betrayed is full of questions, struggling with self doubt, angry, sad, scared, lacking in confidence and generally confused and overwhelmed by what has happened to their lives.

The person who has strayed is often wracked with self loathing, guilt, sadness, fear, confusion and remorse.

Both of these people ‘ s feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and accepted. People who have been betrayed often feel that their partner ‘ s feelings aren ‘ t warranted or relevant and push back against them. Betrayers often get angry with their partner for their intense feelings and want it to all go away.

By acknowledging and accepting each other ‘ s emotions, each of the people will feel heard and seen, key parts of developing the building blocks for a healthy relationship after infidelity.

#4 – Enjoy.

I know that this seems inconceivable right now but it is really important that you both, when you are ready, make an effort to enjoy each other ‘ s company.

There was a time when you were in love, when there were many things that you enjoyed doing together. These things connected you and helped make your love stronger.

I have a client who genuinely enjoys being with his partner but still struggles with accepting the affair. Last time we talked he did say to me, very clearly, that he and his wife were still good friends and that gave him hope that they could work through everything and reconnect.

So, if you feel like you can, with authenticity, strive to do the things together that used to make you feel connected. Picnics, trips to a bookstore, a musical event or a hike – anything else that will make you both remember that once you liked each other and that there is hope that you will again.

#5 – Touch.

I know that the idea of touching your partner after their betrayal is inconceivable but it is an essential part of building a healthy relationship after infidelity.

I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the simple things – hand holding, hugging, brushing up against each other in the kitchen. Touch is the thing that can keep couples together more than anything.

Make up sex is a perfect example of this. After an argument, many couples like to have sex. They do because the physical connection draws them back together. The sex connects them in a way that words can not and helps settle the argument and the hard feelings left afterwards.

Again, I am not saying that you need to have sex with your person right away but I am encouraging you to hug them. They say that a 10 second hug everyday can help a couple keep their relationship healthy and strong.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship after infidelity.

Infidelity rocks our world in a way that almost nothing else can. And believing that you can get past it and be happy again might seem impossible from where you sit now. But you can do it!

If you and your partner are both determined, if you are able to communicate in a healthy way, if you are able to acknowledge and accept the other ‘ s feelings, if you seek out things that you enjoy doing together and if you can explore touching each other again, you have an excellent chance of having that healthy relationship that you seek.

I know it seems hard right now but I promise you, you can do it!

5 Things to Do (And to Not Do) When Your Spouse is Feeling Depressed

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When your spouse is feeling depressed it can feel like the world is ending. Watching your loved one suffer and feeling helpless in the face of it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fortunately, when your spouse is feeling depressed, there are things that you can do to support them through it. Almost more importantly, there are things that you definitely shouldn ‘ t do to help your person manage and get through their depression.

Here are 5 of things you can do and 5 things you shouldn’t do.

#1 – Acknowledge but don ‘ t fix.

When you see your spouse feeling depressed, it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t run away from them.

Dealing with depression and sadness is daunting and the instinct is often to run away because we don ‘ t know what to do.

The most important thing for you to do when your spouse is feeling depressed is to acknowledge to them that you see that they are depressed. Just knowing that your partner is aware of how you are feeling can help people manage their depression.

Once you have acknowledged their depression, is it important that you don ‘ t try to talk your partner out of it. Don ‘ t say ‘ ˜but your life is great, why are you depressed? ‘ or ‘ ˜it ‘ s such a pretty day out – be happy ‘ or ‘ ˜snap out of it. ‘

All of those things will only serve to let your spouse know that you don ‘ t, in fact, understand the place they are in and it will only make them feel worse because they know all those things to be true but can ‘ t snap out of it nonetheless.

So, when your spouse is feeling depressed, acknowledge what you see but don ‘ t, don ‘ t, don ‘ t try to fix it

#2 – Give them space, if they want it.

Many of us, when we are feeling depressed, need some space to help manage it.

It ‘ s a lot of work trying to be positive for someone when we are depressed so giving us space can be very helpful.

That being said, giving us too much space can make us feel alone and even more mired in our depression so it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t abandon us completely.

Perhaps you could go for a run and then come home and just be in the house, not being overly cheerful but checking in on your person to let them know you are there. Perhaps you could suggest a movie to take your partner ‘ s mind off of the depression, even if just temporarily.

Ask your partner what they want as far as space. Hopefully they can be self aware and let you know what they need. Once you know, making every effort to give it to them will help them manage the depression and hopefully ride it out.

#3 – Make a plan and stick to it.

What I did so that my boyfriend would know what to do when I was struggling with depression is, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I did need when I was feeling down. That way, if I wasn ‘ t able to articulate what I needed when I am feeling depressed then he would have a resource to help him help me.

For me, when I am feeling depressed, there are a few things that always help. They are: a hike, a movie, sex, Pad Thai and a nap. All of those things I know will help me manage my depression. They might not get rid of my depression but the distraction of a movie and a nap, the endorphins produced by a hike and sex and the sheer yumminess of Pad Thai are all things that can help me through.

Once my partner knew what I needed when I was depressed it was way easier for him to help me through it.

So, make a plan with your partner about what they need when they are feeling depressed. Knowing what your spouse needs will make it way easier for you to feel like you are doing good helping them.

#4 – Be positive but be real.

It is important that, when your partner is feeling depressed, you make an effort to be positive. Misery loves company so if you are down when your partner is down, it might make things worse.

That being said, being overly positive, to the point that you are cloying and annoying won ‘ t help at all. Don ‘ t tell them that their life is good, that people love them, that the sun is out, that they have no reason to be unhappy, that they should just snap out of it. None of these things will help and could only make things work. People get depressed, even if all of those things above are true.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, be positive. Tell them that you love them and that you see them and that you accept where they are right now. Tell them that you will be there for them, no matter what.

If you are feeling down yourself, perhaps because your partner is depressed, be honest with them and take some time for yourself. If you can ‘ t be positive, you aren ‘ t good for your spouse.

#5 – Seek help but don ‘ t push.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, it is important to know that help is out there.

Oftentimes, when those we love are struggling, it ‘ s easy to get mired in the now – in the tears, the anger and the chaos that can result when your spouse is feeling depressed.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources out there for both people living with depression and for those who love them. Seeing a therapist or a life coach, getting involved with a support group, talking to your primary care doctor or getting involved with NAMI are all great resources for dealing with depression. Make yourself familiar with them and use them as you see fit.

It is important to know that you can ‘ t force your spouse to get help. Until they are willing to accept that they are depressed and be willing to reach out to a doctor or therapist, any attempts by you to get them help will be useless. What you can do is share the resources that you find with your partner so that they know they are out there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed, they get so hopeless that it ‘ s hard to believe that anything could possibly help. So, make the info available for when they are ready.

When your spouse is feeling depressed it can sometimes feel like the world is ending.

You love your partner but the chaos caused by the depression can be hard to deal with. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help mitigate the damage and perhaps make change going forward.

Make sure you acknowledge your partner’s mood but don ‘ t try to fix it, give them space but not too much, make a plan for how to manage, be positive but not cloying and know that there is help out there.

Depression gets worse the more it goes untreated so it ‘ s important that you pay attention to your spouse ‘ s depression and if you see it getting deeper, consider reaching out to your family doctor for help. They can help you take the first steps towards helping your spouse get better.

5 Expectations To Set For Yourself When Going Through a Break Up

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When you are going through a break up, the prospect of getting on with your life seems completely impossible.

You are alone, in pain, missing your person and you have no hope that you will ever be happy again. Your life is horrible and you aren ‘ t sure how you are going to get through it.

I can promise you that you will get through it. Broken hearts don ‘ t last forever and there are some things that you can do to hasten their mending.

An important piece of getting over your broken heart quicker is to set expectations for yourself when you are going through a break up, expectations that will allow you to be strong in the face of everything that is happening and have hope for the future.

Let me share some excellent expectations that you can set so that you can get well and move one.

#1- You will not reach out.

What I tell my clients who are going through a break up is that the number one most important part of surviving a break up and getting past it is to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘

Many of us seek to be friends with our ex or stalk them on social media or ask their friends how they are – generally just going about our lives as if our ex was still a part of it.

And this never works.

A client of mine, whose boyfriend broke up with her after 8 years, was obsessed with following his Instagram and Facebook feeds. She saw him looking happy, going on with his life and getting a new girlfriend. The hurt that she felt looking at his life was so much that it stopped her from moving on. She stayed obsessed with him and the pain wouldn ‘ t fade.

What I reminded her was that social media didn ‘ t necessarily present the truth of someone ‘ s life and that the information that she saw wasn ‘ t necessarily real. If she could let go of her obsession and not need to know everything about his life, she would be able to move on.

Unfortunately, he started calling her and she started talking to him. They never got back together but they talked with each other regularly, stoking her hopes that they could reunite. A year later, she was still attached to him and in pain.

So, if there is one thing that you take away from this article it ‘ s the importance of not being in contact with your ex – it will only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on.

#2 – You will not seek closure.

If there is one thing that I don ‘ t believe in it is closure.

I believe that closure is just one more excuse to see your partner again and to try to convince them not to break up with you. When people seek closure it rarely works out the way they want it to and, if it does, the relationship usually ends again somewhere down the line.

If your partner breaks up with you, accept it and move on. They may or may not have told you reasons that satisfy your need to understand why but the reality is is that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever reason.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. Go no contact on day one and you will heal quicker that way.

#3 -You will not play the victim.

For many years, after my ex-husband and I divorced, I played the victim.

I told people that he left me for another person, that he walked away from me and destroyed our family. Woe is me. I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. Please pity me.

The truth of the matter is is that our marriage had not be healthy for a long time. I was unhappy but not yet ready to give up on it. He decided to give up on it first and I was devastated – devastated at being abandoned and at the prospect of my kids being the children of divorce like I was.

What helped me most was when I stopped looking at myself as the one who had been abandoned and started looking at myself as the person who was lucky to get out of a marriage that was making me unhappy. I had been given an opportunity to have a new life and I started relishing it.

By not playing the victim I was able to view myself as a strong woman, one who could live a good and successful life, in spite of the cards that I had been dealt, marriage wise.

#4 – You will take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we go through a break up, we curl up in our beds, eat ice cream and binge watch 1980’s romance movies. And, while this can work for a while because it comforts us, in the long run it will only make the pain of going through a break up worse.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a new client going through a break up and she said that she was going to take the rest of the week off of work because she was sad. I suggested to her that she shouldn ‘ t take those days off. Being at work, which she loved, would keep her busy and with people she cared about, it would give her an opportunity to not reach out to her ex because she would be occupied and it would make her feel good about herself because she wasn ‘ t walking away from her job during this busy time. She loved that idea and off to work she went today, feeling pretty good about yourself.

So, when you are going through a break up, I encourage you to spend a few days wallowing in your pain but then get up and start taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat well and get some sleep. Spend time with the family and friends who love you. Do something that you love to do but that you couldn ‘ t do when you were part of a couple. Dig yourself into your work. Whatever you can do to make you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the person who walked away.

#5 – You will keep the faith.

For many clients of mine who are going through a break up they believe that they will never love and be loved again. They feel so badly about themselves that they can ‘ t see any person ever loving them and they can fathom that they could ever truly love someone the way they loved their ex.

I am here to tell you that this never happens. Without exception, every client of mine who has gone through a break up finds someone again. And, more often than not, the person they find is far better than the one who broke up with them. If you do your work after a break up, if you identify what happened and what your role was in it, then you will seek someone who is good for you, nicer to you and a better fit.

So, don ‘ t give up on the fact that you will love and be loved again. Wallow for a bit and then start taking care of yourself. When you are healed, you will put energy out in the world that will attract you to the person you are meant to be with.

I promise.

Setting expectations for yourself when going through a break up is the best way to get through the pain and out the other side intact.

Just lying on the coach wallowing in pain will get you nowhere. But if you make conscious decisions about how you are going to proceed with your life, decisions that you would make around work or exercise or goals, then you are way more likely to have success getting past your break up and moving on.

Go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ immediately, don ‘ t seek closure, don ‘ t play the victim, take care of yourself and don ‘ t give up hope for the future.

A broken heart is one of the worst things that you can go through in your life but you, and only you, can heal it so set yourself some goals and expectations to do so and you will succeed.

You can do it!

What You Need to Know about Surviving Infidelity in a Toxic Marriage

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Surviving a partner ‘ s infidelity can be very difficult but surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage can seem almost impossible.

A toxic marriage is one that is already fraught with all sorts of issues – contempt, fighting, silence and secrets. When you add infidelity into the mix, it is a recipe for disaster.

Fortunately, there are things that, if you are aware of them, can help you navigate surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage. The path that you will be navigating is an unfamiliar one but one that you can get to end of intact, with some awareness and action.

#1 – It ‘ s not about you…

Many people who have been cheated on blame themselves for the infidelity.

They believe that if they had only been nicer or given their partner enough sex or dressed better or lost that 10 pounds that their partner would not have strayed. And this just isn ‘ t the case.

Of course, infidelity doesn ‘ t occur in a void and marriages that are already toxic are especially vulnerable to cheating, but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are to blame for what happened.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but not usually because your partner looks at you and finds you lacking. Cheating happens because the marriage is damaged and someone else comes along who can temporarily distract one partner from the pain. Infidelity is rarely sought out – it finds us in places that we never expected.

So, first and foremost, you are not to blame for your partners infidelity. The responsibility lies squarely on their shoulders. After all, you are in this toxic relationship as well and you never strayed.

Keep this in mind and surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is possible!

#2 – …but it is up to you.

What is your responsibility is deciding what you are going to do next after discovering your partner ‘ s infidelity. This is a key part of getting through this and something that only you can decide.

You have a number of choices.

  • You can decide to leave. Your relationship is already toxic – is it now beyond repair?
  • You can decide to stay and work on your marriage.
  • You can decide to accept that infidelity might be a part of your marriage going forward and just go about your own life.

Which of these things do you want? Perhaps it ‘ s a combination of things that might work. Perhaps you might opt for therapy with the determination that if it doesn ‘ t help you are gone. Perhaps you might walk away until your spouse gets therapy to figure out their issues. Perhaps you accept the infidelity as long as he agrees to offer you something in return.

The options are there – it is up to you to decide what course to take. If you simply sit around, obsessing about the infidelity, all you are going to do is make yourself miserable and your marriage worse.

Make the decision about how you want to move forward and make it happen.

#3 – Remorse is essential.

One thing to help you aid in your decision about what actions to take next is whether or not your partner is remorseful about their actions. Do they accept responsibility for the pain that they have caused you and are they willing and able to make amends? Are they willing to share with you the information that you need, such as where, why and when, so that you can process what happened and decide next steps? Are they willing to stay away from their cheating partner?

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to communicate with you openly, there is no chance that getting help and working on your marriage will get you through this. If they blame you for what they did, telling you that it is your fault that they strayed, then you will be forever doomed to having a partner who is playing the victim and making you feel bad about yourself.

Do you want to be in a relationship like that?

#4 – Don ‘ t seek revenge.

When our partners stray, we are often so hurt and angry that we want to act out, to hurt that person the way that they hurt us. And what do we do? We seek revenge.

Revenge comes in many forms. Revenge can be taking the children and leaving. It can be about withholding love and affection. It can be telling the whole world about the infidelity. It can be about being passively aggressive in your interactions with them so that they suffer, drip by drip. Or it can be like Lorena Bobitt, who cut off her husband ‘ s penis (and went to jail) after discovering he had cheated.

Whatever kind of revenge that you are thinking of, DON ‘ T DO IT. It is essential that, in this stressful time, you hold your head up high and act in a way that is irreproachable. Act in a way that won ‘ t give your partner fuel for the fire for blaming you. Act in a way that your friends and family see you as a good person and so they will choose to support you. Act in a way that won ‘ t cause you any remorse down the road.

You are probably feeling pretty bad about yourself right now and, while revenge might feel like the answer, it ‘ s not.

And, actually, the best revenge will be your partner seeing you not falling apart but presenting yourself with grace and dignity in the face of what has happened!

#5 – Get help!

You are going through something that you have never gone through before – recovering from the aftermath of infidelity. While the tendency to go it alone, to heal by yourself, is strong, you have never walked this road before and getting help is essential.

I know that you might be ashamed about what has happened and you are worried that your therapist or life coach will judge you but I can promise you they won ‘ t. Many people go through this every day and a professional will only seek to support you through this time, not judge you. I promise.

Whether its individual therapy or life coaching, marital counseling or some combination of the both, seeking assistance from a professional during these horrible times will set you up for getting through all of this and coming out the other side in a healthy way.

Even if your partner won ‘ t agree to getting help, do it for yourself. You may or may not stay with this person but you will always be with yourself. Knowing how to like and love yourself is a key to being happy, with or without another person.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach (perhaps me!) today and get the help that you need processing what has happened and how to move forward.

Surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is something that can happen, with some self-awareness and action.

No matter what you decide to do, stay or go, it is possible for you to get through this intact and come out the other side happy.

Don ‘ t blame yourself but instead ask yourself what you want to do next. Get a sense of whether or not your partner is remorseful and don ‘ t seek revenge, whether they are or aren ‘ t. And get someone to help you get through these difficult times. You can ‘ t go it alone, even if you want to.

I know it feels like life will never be okay again, but it will be. I promise!

5 Reasons Setting Expectations in a New Relationship is Key to Its Success

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Setting expectations in a new relationship is something that many couples don ‘ t think to do.

When we start a new job, we generally go into it with some expectation of what the job is going to look like and how we can do the work so that we will be successful. When we enter a new relationship, we are following our heart, and our libido, two parts of our body that don ‘ t lend to long term, successful relationships.

Imagine going into your new relationship knowing what you and your partner can and should expect from each other. Imagine not having to guess at what will make your partner happy but knowing because they told you so. Imagine not fighting with your partner over the small stuff and instead enjoying your life together. All of those things can happen if you set expectations.

Why does setting expectations in a new relationship make such a difference? Let me explain ‘ ¦

#1 – You will make conscious decisions.

Relationships are between 2 people, two individuals with lives and histories and issues and habits and friends and fears and hopes. When those two individuals embark on a relationship, their lives are suddenly tossed together into one and sometimes their individual pieces just don ‘ t work together.

Setting expectations can identify those individual pieces and define how they are going to be managed.

I have a client who fell in love with a man who was a recovering alcoholic. A big part of his life was attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. While my client understood that this was a part of his life, as their relationship deepened she started resenting the time that he spent at his meetings instead of with her. She felt like if he loved her more, he would want to spend more time with her.

I encouraged her to talk to him about her expectations around time spent and to ask him about how he could balance his meetings and her without jeopardizing either his sobriety or the relationship. They came up with a plan that worked for both of them and she was happy. She knew when he was going to meetings and when he would be with her and she no longer felt threatened by them.

By identifying and addressing the meetings proactively, my client was able to stave off a potential long term issue with her guy.

#2 – You won ‘ t feel let down.

One of the most difficult things to manage in a relationship is being let down. To have someone not do what you expect them to do and feeling let down because of it.

Many, many couples struggle with this issue and the number one reason for let down is because people don’t know what their partner expects of them. They make assumptions about what their partner wants and they are wrong. And, because they are guessing and are wrong, they let their partner down, even if they don ‘ t mean to. By setting expectations, we can prevent the let down that comes from trying and failing to guess what your partner wants.

One day, the husband of one of my clients called his wife to ask if she needed anything on the way home. She didn ‘ t need anything but was so glad that he called to ask. And then, he never did it again. Because he had done it that once, she hoped that he would do it again and when he didn ‘ t, repeatedly, it started to really bug her and she got very resentful.

I asked her if he knew that she wanted him to call at the end of the day. She said that she assumed that he did because he asked that one time. I suggested that maybe he didn ‘ t realize that it was important to her because that one time she didn ‘ t need anything. I suggested that maybe if she asked him to do it regularly that he would be happy to oblige.

And she did and he did and they were happy!

Setting expectations in a new relationship, and an old one, is an excellent way to prevent let down and resentment.

#3 – You will know where to make change.

For many people in a relationship, a lot of time is spent stabbing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the other person needs. A lot of that time is wasted and, as a result, relationships get into a lot of trouble. Imagine knowing what exactly your partner expected of you and thereby knowing what you needed to do differently to make them happy.

In the example above, as soon as my client told her husband how much she appreciated it when he called on his way home, her husband knew exactly what he could do differently to make his wife happy. One small phone call could change the course of his evening, and his life. So, he made the change and all was good.

Don ‘ t expect your partner to change if they don ‘ t know what they need to do to change. Tell them so they can do so!

#4 – You can address issues.

Once you have succeeded in setting expectations in a new relationship you will have a road map of what you want your relationship to look like. Each person will have a clear expectation about what their role will be in the relationship and they will be able to act accordingly.

Of course, the best laid plans can fall apart and expectations can go unmet. But, if the expectations have been set and agreed upon, when they aren ‘ t met it is easier to see what the issue is.

Think of expectations as a relationship contract – a signed agreement of what you intend to do for each other. In any contract, there is an agreement between each side, what each will do to meet the contract. If that contract is violated then there will be consequences. If a carpet isn ‘ t delivered, the carpet company provides a refund. If a contractor ‘ s work is shoddy, they fix it. If your wife agrees to not complain about your weekly golf game and she does, you are allowed to address it.

Setting relationship expectations in a new relationship will allow you to be able to be specific when addressing issues that arise when the expectations are unmet. Instead of being able to say ‘ ˜I am angry with you ‘ you can say ‘ ˜I am upset that you didn ‘ t hold up your end of our agreement and let ‘ s address it. ‘

Which would be more effective in solving conflict, do you think?

#5 – You will know how to succeed.

The best part of setting expectations in a new relationship is being able to celebrate when the expectations are met. For many people, all they want is to make the person they love happy. When the person you love is happy, you are happy. When the person you love is unhappy, life can be miserable.

If you know what your partners expectations are, you will be able to make the choice whether or not to meet those expectations and make them happen. And if you do choose to meet those expectations, relationship happiness, and all the good things that come with it, will be yours for the taking.

Which would be a better way to end the day: sulking because of unmet expectations or not sulking and having a little fun?

Setting expectations in a new relationship is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship can be a happy one.

By defining clear expectations so that everyone knows their role in the relationship, by not letting each other down and creating resentment, by understanding where to make change, how to deal with issues and how to celebrate your success, you are taking steps to keep your relationship a healthy and happy one.

Don ‘ t be fooled by thinking that any couple in love should just be able to know what the other wants. That is the stuff of fairy tales.

Know what your person wants and needs and make sure they know yours and that is how fairy tales come true!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want your new relationship to be a happy one.

Let me help you, NOW, before issues arise.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things That Women Want From Men Other Than Chocolate and Flowers

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Many of my male clients are completely stumped by what women want from men. Truly it amazes me watching them stab around in the dark, not knowing what they can do to make their women know that they love them.

One of my clients told me about how he was going to give his girlfriend a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. I directed him to the local jewelry and greeting card stores. What she wanted, I told him, was not the practical but the emotional.

I know that ‘ ˜emotional ‘ is tough for guys so I thought I would break down 5 easy things that women want from men so that you can do them and make your woman feel loved. I know it seems hard to grasp sometimes but what women want from men isn ‘ t really that complicated.

#1 – Use your words.

I can ‘ t tell you how many women wish that their men would use their words more often.

They wish that their men would tell them that they look nice when they are dressed up, that their success at work is remarkable, that their golf game was dead on, that the dinner they cooked was tasty.

Earned compliments such as these make a woman feel good about themselves. Knowing that someone they love is noticing their successes means the world to them and makes them feel secure with themselves.

Furthermore, it makes women happy when men verbalize their appreciation for the things that their women consistently do for them. A client of mine always supported her man when he needed to work late but he never acknowledged it. Another made an effort to look nice whenever she saw her guy so he knew that he was worth the effort but he never seemed to notice. Another client helped pick up her boyfriend ‘ s kids from school but he never thanked her. All of those things they did for love and none of their guys verbalized their appreciation of their efforts.

So many men say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her I appreciate her. She knows. ‘ And while your woman might know that you appreciate her, she still wants to hear you say it. She wants to know that you see what she does out of love for you and that you recognize how special it is.

Don ‘ t assume that your woman knows how you feel – tell her. Even if it ‘ s hard for you to express how you ‘ ˜feel ‘ about her, you can recognize her successes and the things that she does for you, using your words.

#2 – Be affectionate.

One of the things that women want from men is that they be affectionate.

You might find it surprising that many men have hesitations about being affectionate with their women. For many of them, their understanding of relationships comes from watching their parents. If there were any intimacy issues with their parents, such as withholding affection if chores weren ‘ t done, that is what a man thinks a relationship should look like. Because of this, being intimate can be hard for them because he mighthave never seen what healthy intimacy might be.

Unfortunately, for women, if their man pulls their hand away when she is reaching for it or turns away when she goes in for a hug, she feels like he doesn ‘ t love her or isn ‘ t attracted to her. And these kind of thoughts can breed an insecurity that can cause havoc in a relationship.

If you struggle with touching your partner, talk to her about it. If she can understand where you are coming from, and you can understand her needs around affection, it will reduce her insecurity and talking about it might bring about change in how you feel about intimacy. That will make your girl happy.

#3 – Don’t try to fix us.

One of the biggest issues that can arise in relationships is the difference in needs of women and men when it comes to dealing with things.

When women are faced with struggles, part of how they deal with them is processing the emotions around the issue. For men, the inclination is brain storm a fix. If a man tries to fix a problem while a woman is still processing the emotions, things can get messy.

What I encourage men to practice when helping their woman process an issue is empathy. Empathy is defined as ‘ ˜the ability to understand and share the experience of another. ‘ Instead of trying to fix her problem, try just understanding where she is at in the moment and acknowledging how frustrating/upsetting/anger producing it is. That is what she wants. For you to accept and understand where she is in the moment and to empathize.

So, next time your person is struggling with something, don ‘ t make suggestions for how to fix things. Simply tell her that you understand how she is feeling and tell her that you are there for support.

This video is an excellent, and funny, example of what empathizing and not fixing looks like.

#4 – Treat us like women ‘ ¦.

I know that this can be tricky in this modern day of women being equal to men- women can and should expect equal treatment both in the workplace and in the world. That being said, women do still like to be treated like ladies, ladies who are desired, respected, admired and appreciated.

So, what are some examples of this? How about opening a car door for your lady, buying her that special scent that she likes, telling her how fabulous she looks or taking her out on a special romantic date. How about rubbing her feet or bringing her flowers or retrieving something from a high shelf.

Yes, men and women are equal but that doesn ‘ t mean that a girl doesn ‘ t like to be treated like a lady sometimes.

#5 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t try to protect us.

Treating someone like a woman is one thing but treating us like the weaker sex is another.

I can ‘ t tell you how many men tell me that they don ‘ t share something with their woman because they are ‘ ˜trying to protect them. ‘ They tell those little white lies, lies that seem inconsequentially but have real repercussions.

What do I mean by little white lies? How about telling her you will be home for dinner at 6:00p, all the while knowing that you won ‘ t be home until 7 and you don ‘ t tell her because you don ‘ t want to upset her? Or telling her that you are going to go out for one beer, knowing that there is a long, fun night ahead. Or not telling her that you ran into your ex at the coffee shop and you talked for a while. Or that not getting that raise is ok even if your credit card bill is getting higher every day.

All of these white lies might be meant to ‘ ˜protect ‘ your woman but, in reality, they will only serve to make her trust you less. And when she trusts you less, relationships can fall apart.

Being honest about everything, big and small, is the key to a healthy relationship and a big part of what a woman needs to feel loved. Making every effort to be honest always will help your woman love and trust you even more.

Knowing what women want from men is a great way for a man to set up his relationship for success. Knowing what she wants and giving it to her will make her feel loved and you will feel appreciated and everyone will live happily ever after.

Telling her what you appreciate about her, holding her hand or giving her a hug, not trying to fix us and treating us like a woman are things that every woman wants in a relationship.

That being said, there is a 6th thing that every woman wants that needs to be mentioned as part of this list.

Women want, more than anything, follow through. They want to know that, if you say or agree to do something for them, you will actually do it. If you say that you want to go to the movies, you will actually show up. If you are going to fix the car, get it done. If you are going to take the kids out to give her a break, do it.

One of the biggest contributing factors to downfall of a relationship is when men make promises and don ‘ t follow through. When they do that, women often doubt their man ‘ s affections and their insecurities can cause more damage than you can ever know.

So, recognize the importance of follow through. Establish goals that you can reach and, always, do them for your woman. Start here, with the list above. Set your intention right now that you will follow my suggestions and do the work that you need to do to make your woman feel loved.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Ways Healthy Relationships Are Different From Toxic Ones

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Many of my clients ask me how healthy relationships are different from toxic ones. Sometimes, when we are in a relationship, it can be very difficult to see how healthy it is. You are just too close, there are too many emotions involved and your friends and family all have different opinions.

Recognizing whether or not your relationship is a healthy one is the best tool for you to use when considering whether or not your relationship has a future.

There are some hallmarks of healthy relationships that don ‘ t exist in toxic relationships. Let me share them with you today so that you can figure out, once and for all, how a healthy relationship is different from a toxic one and what kind of relationship you have.

#1 – No fear.

A healthy relationship is one where there is no fear, that neither partner lives life being scared of physical or emotional pain. A life where disagreements exist but they don ‘ t lead to outbursts of emotion that make one, or both, people fearful.

Do you live in fear of asking your partner if you can go out with your girlfriends, knowing that if you do he will get furious, yelling at you, knocking things off tables and punching walls, because he thinks that you are fooling around and that your friends hate him.

Do you live in fear that if you don ‘ t do your chores on time your woman will verbally berate you, making you feel like an incompetent loser?

There are two people in every relationship and things come up between them. It ‘ s just how it works. And each of those people has wants and needs that they should be able to address without living in fear.

If your partner doesn ‘ t like you going out but is willing to discuss this with you, instead of freaking out, then you are in a healthy relationship. If you don’t do your chores on time and it leads to a discussion of how things can be different next time, then you are in a healthy relationship.

If you don ‘ t do the things that you want to do or can ‘ t make mistakes without fear of being attacked, then your relationship is a toxic one and it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at what is next for you.

#2 – Give and take.

Another indicator of a healthy relationship is when there is an equitable give and take. When each partner has their wants and needs met equally, often a direct result of conversation.

A couple I work with have different sleep habits – she likes to stay up late and he likes to go to bed early. For people in a toxic relationship this could be an issue. One person, or both, might insist that they go to bed at the same time. They don ‘ t discuss it but just assume that this will be the case and, when it isn ‘ t, it becomes a real issue.

A couple in a healthy relationship will recognize each other ‘ s individual needs and work, together, to have those needs be met.

For the couple who go to bed at different times, they discussed what would work for them. They agreed that they would keep their individual bedtimes during the week but that, on the weekends, they would go to sleep together, half way in between their desired bedtimes. By making this decision together, they were able to stave off resentment at the different bedtimes, agree on a solution and move on.

#3 – Equality.

An essential part of a healthy relationship is equality – both partners having an equal say in decisions that are made, both in the short term and the big picture.

I have a friend who has 6 children. When she and her husband were looking at houses, he liked one that had a long flight of stairs leading from where the car is parked to the front door. She, being a stay at home of 6 children, didn ‘ t want the stairs. She could picture lugging groceries and children up those stairs from here to eternity and the prospect didn ‘ t thrill her. When she voiced her opinion to her husband, he brushed them off and proceeded to make an offer on the house.

This, I would argue, is an excellent example of how a healthy relationship is different from a toxic one.

In a healthy relationship, the husband would have been receptive to at least listening to his wife ‘ s concerns and would have been open to working through together how to manage them. The wife ‘ s concerns would have taken equal weight to her husband ‘ s and they could have figured out a compromise that worked for both of them.

If you find that one person is making all the decisions in your relationship and not taking your needs into consideration at all, your relationship might very well be a toxic one.

#4 – Mutual respect.

No relationship can be deemed healthy if there is no mutual respect. If couples can ‘ t look at each other as equals, knowing that they are good people in the world whose perspectives are important and who deserve to be treated well then they are in a toxic relationship, indeed.

I have a client who has a hard time letting her husband make decisions around the day to day workings of their life. She feels like he doesn ‘ t have the consistency and determination necessary to make decisions and follow through with them. As a result, because the workings of their family is so essential to their lives, that she didn ‘ t think that he could handle them caused her to lose her respect for him. She stopped involving him, there was no give and take and every day there was more resentment and anger. Of course, because he felt like she was treating him like a child and disregarding his input, he grew increasingly resentful and lost respect for the mother of his children.

Their relationship was definitely a toxic one and they are now headed for divorce.

So, if you find that you don ‘ t respect your partner the way you did when you were first together, I would suggest that your relationship is not healthy and that you consider working to fix it or move on.

#5 – Feeling good about yourself.

Many people in toxic relationships don ‘ t feel good about themselves.

Years of being ignored and mistreated have led them to doubt their sense of self-worth and not believe that they have anything to offer to the world.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is being in one that makes you feel good about yourself, who makes you believe that you can take on the world and that you will succeed.

Has your relationship made you feel less than? Has it driven you away from friends and family? Has your career suffered because you don ‘ t believe that you can do your job effectively? Do you believe that you aren ‘ t worthy of love and don ‘ t deserve the life that you want.

If you don ‘ t feel good about yourself or your place in the world, then you are most likely in a toxic relationship, one you want to get out of before you lose all sense of yourself.

Knowing how healthy relationships are different from toxic ones is very important when you are deciding how to move forward.

If you find yourself living in fear, that there is no shared decision making or equality in your relationship, if there is no respect and you don ‘ t feel good about yourself then you are in a toxic relationship and you must decide if you want to stay in it.

The goal is to have no fear in your relationship but rather kindness and consideration, to have mutual respect, to be with someone who makes you feel like you can take on the world and someone who you know makes you happy, at least most of the time. That is a healthy relationship. And that is the goal.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. If one or more of the above things aren ‘ t a part of it, your relationship just might be toxic and you must consider moving on!

You can do it!

5 Ways Setting Expectations after Breaking Up Can Help You Move On

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The importance of setting expectations after breaking up is not something that can not be overemphasized.

You have been in a relationship with this person for weeks, months or years and now that relationship is ending and what is next? Life without the other person is uncharted territory, territory that, believe it or not, if you manage it together, you will be able get past and move on faster.

Setting expectations after breaking up can be a complicated, especially when the emotions around break ups are so fraught. Let me share with you 5 expectations that you can set TOGETHER that will help you both manage those crazy emotions and move on.

#1 – No stalking.

One of the biggest problems with social media is that, after breaking up, we have endless access to information about our exes.

Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook etc allow us to, from the comfort of our own home, watch as the life of our ex unfolds without us. Whether what we see posted is reflective of the truth or not, when we see our ex happy without us it cuts us to the core.

A client of mind knew that she had to break up with her boyfriend of 8 years and was ready to move on. And then he got a new girlfriend and she became obsessed with how the new relationship happily played out on Instagram. As a result, she was drawn more and more back into her feelings for him, missing him and wondering if things could have been different. And then one day he called, told her he was miserable and she learned that all the posts she had been obsessed were social media curated.

So, when setting expectations after breaking up, make sure that one of them is that you unfriend/unfollow each other immediately. If you can make that decision together, that you can disconnect from each other electronically so that you can get on with your lives, then one or both of you won ‘ t be hurt when you are blindsided about an unfollow notification.

I can promise you, if you can do this one thing, you will be a long way along the path of getting over your ex and moving on.

#2 – No trash talking.

Whether you do the breaking up or are broken up with, the anger that occurs at the end of a relationship can be very destructive. The desire to funnel that anger somewhere, to put it out there to the universe, to let others know what a jerk your ex is, is almost irresistible.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when you are setting expectations after breaking up is whether or not you BOTH can refrain from trash talking each other. What happened in your relationship was between the two of you. Yes, she might have cheated or he might have been abusive but that is between the two of you. The impulse to get sympathy from someone else from telling a one sided story is never productive and usually ends up with more acrimony and anger.

So, when talking through setting expectations after breaking up, agree that the issues that you had will stay between you and that neither of you will talk badly about each other to the world.

At the very least, not talking about your ex will help you move past them. Every time you rehash things with anyone, everything just gets stirred up again.

#3 – No yo-yoing.

Another very important expectation to set after ending your relationship is that there will be no yo-yoing.

Yo-yong is the very painful occurrence when one person keeps coming and going in a relationship. One person says they want out of the relationship but then changes their mind, comes back and then leaves again. Or they drunk text for a booty call. Or they say they want to try again but not tell anyone.

For those of us who have had our heart broken, the inclination to give our ex a second chance is hard to resist. So, we do and, for a few days, life is grand. And then they leave again and we go back to where we were, broken and in pain.

For those of us who have broken up, we get bored or lonely or depressed and we want to soothe ourselves and who better to do so with then our ex.

Yo-yoing isn ‘ t good for anyone. The coming and going messes with everyone ‘ s emotions – the person who got left is hurt over and over and the person who keeps coming bac

k feels guilty, stupid and confused.

Agree, when you break up, that what you have decided is for good and that, even if loneliness or boredom directs you towards self-sabotage, you will not reunite with your ex and start the craziness all over again.

#4 – No closure.

If there is one thing that I believe is the most nonproductive and pain producing part of the end of a relationship, it ‘ s ‘ ˜closure. ‘

I truly believe that closure is purely an excuse for the person being left to have one more face to face with their ex so that they can spend time with them and perhaps talk them into coming back.

Closure usually involves hours of circular conversations and ends with lots of tears and still no resolution. No matter what is said, both people go away broken and in pain.

One of my exes and I agreed on the ineffectiveness of ‘ ˜closure ‘ and so, when we broke up, we just moved on. It was hard but it was much easier for me to get past the break up having no contact with him. Months later, after we had both suffered and recovered, we ran into each other and to this day are very good friends. I believe it ‘ s because we didn ‘ t have to go round and round and suck the life out of each other, analyzing our break up.

So, after breaking up, it ‘ s important that both sides make an effort to say what they need to say so that they can both move on and find happiness.

#5 – No friendship.

I know – this sounds really harsh, but, in reality, being friends after a breakup is counterproductive and just leads to more pain.

If you have been in a romantic, intimate relationship with someone, being friends is a big leap of faith, especially if one party has been blindsided by the break up.

Friendship involves trust and kindness and confidence and loyalty and, usually, when people go through a break up, these things have been absent for a while. To try to be friends with someone who you have hurt, or who has hurt you, is, I believe, more often than not, a reason to spend more time with this person you love or fill the void left when you dumped them

I do believe that, after a time, after the intense pain has passed, people can be friends again but in the short term, while anger and hurt abound, being friends will only prolong the break up and the pain.

Setting expectations after breaking up sounds like an impossible thing to do but, if done with intention, it can make a big difference in the amount of pain that is endured and the amount of time it takes to move on.

After breaking up, agree to rules around social media, agree to not talk badly about each other to friends and family, agree that the break up has happened and that there will be no turning back, that there will be no closure and no friendship in the short term.

I know that you are in pain right now and that your ex is probably struggling as well. If you can work together, setting expectations, you will be able to move on quickly and healthily and find the love that you have always sought!

You can do it!

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