How to Get Out of a Toxic Relationship. 9 Important Steps for You to Take Right Now!

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Letting go of a toxic relationship might be the hardest thing that you ever have to do.

After all, even if you know that your relationship is toxic, it might very well be that you still love your partner. Most of my clients find that it is love that keeps them from leaving a bad relationship, even if it isn’t a healthy one.

Fortunately, thousands of people get out of toxic relationships every day. It isn’t always easy but it is possible. And, by doing so, they set themselves up for the potential of having a life time of happiness and finding the love that they seek.

So, how to get out of a toxic relationship? Let me help!

#1 – Accept that you are in one.

For many people, accepting that they are in a toxic relationship can be very difficult. After all, you probably still love this person even if you know that you can’t stay with them.

And, for many people, because they are in the middle of the toxicity, they have a hard time recognizing how bad things are.

Signs of a toxic relationship are:

  1. Your relationship is volatile. One minute everything is good and then the next there is yelling and tears and everything falls apart.
  2. You are always unhappy.
  3. Your family and friends are constantly telling you that your relationship in unhealthy.
  4. You find yourself losing your mental and/or physical health.
  5. You hope that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Do any of these things sound like you? If yes, you might very well be in a toxic relationship. And, once you can truly accept this, then you will be ready to move forward and take the next step!

#2 – Decide you are going to do it.

Like anything else in your life, if you want to do something, you must not only decide to do it, you must be determined to follow through.

Imagine if you want to stop eating ice cream. That is a big deal and very hard to do. You can choose to tell yourself you aren’t going to eat it but keep some in the fridge. Or rationalize that little bit that you eat when you are out with friends. Instead of being determined to do it, you approach it half-heartedly, hoping things will just work out.

Before you know it, you will be back to the bad habit of eating ice cream.

So it is that one must set their goal of leaving a toxic relationship and dig deep to find the determination to not only do it but follow through.

If you want to end your toxic relationship, you must find it within yourself to do so!

#3 ̢ РTell someone.

One of the key parts of getting something difficult done is to tell someone else that you are going to do it. Why? Because that person can hold you accountable to make sure that you follow through.

I know that you might be telling yourself that you are going to do this, or perhaps you have even told yourself that you were going to do this before, but that, here you are, still in your toxic relationship.

That is because, as we often do, you aren’t holding yourself to the promise that you have made to yourself—”to  leave.

This time, do something different. Tell a friend or family member that you are going to do this. Ask them to hold you accountable to the steps that you are going to take to get out of your relationship, something I am sure that they would be happy to do.

Make sure you ask a friend or family member who truly will hold you accountable someone who is wishy washy won’t help you in any way!

 

Two people sitting on a bench talking to each other.

#4 -Get your finances in order.

I had a client once who was in a toxic marriage. She knew that she had to get out of it but she was somewhat dependent on her husband to provide for her and her three children. But she knew that the leaving had to happen and so she took the first step towards doing so she got her finances in order.

She had always been a stay at home mom so she got herself a small job. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was something. She opened a bank account for that money and slowing started transferring a bit of the money that she shared with her husband into it as well, building a little nest egg to help her escape.

She also reached out to her parents, to see if they could help her if she needed it. She ultimately didn’t, but she knew that they were there if she needed them.

Perhaps your finances are not an issue and you can skip this step but, if you are financially reliant on your partner, planning ahead will help you get out. After all, this financial piece might be just why are haven’t gotten out yet. Change that!

#5 – Find somewhere to go.

Are you stuck in a house or an apartment with your toxic partner? Are you confident that, if you ask your partner to go, they won’t? Is this one of the reasons why you haven’t ended this relationship yet? Maybe.

It is very important that, before you tell your person that the relationship is over, you find someplace to go. Perhaps you can go to stay with a friend or your family while you get yourself back on track. Perhaps you can find an AirBnB that does weekly rentals. If you can handle it financially, sign a lease on your own place.

Whatever you have to do to ensure that, when you are ready to leave, you have a place to go. For many people, not knowing where they are going to live is enough to make them not leave a relationship, even if they know they should!

#6 – Make a list.

A key part of letting go of a toxic relationship is that you make a list of all of the reasons that you are leaving.

Our brains can be very toxic, keeping us in situations that aren’t good for us. They can easily forget the bad things and only focus on the good things. They can give us hope that things might change or go back to the way that they were in the beginning, if only we try hard enough. They tell us that, if we leave, we will never love or be loved again.

And all of these things won’t help you let go of your toxic relationship.

So, it is time to make a list. Get out a piece of paper or make a new note on your phone. Write down all of the reasons that you want to leave. Take note of specific things that happen. Remind yourself how this relationship makes you feel.

If you can do this very important thing, it will make it much easier for you to leave your relationship. Whenever you are feeling weak or questioning your choice, you can refer to the list and remember why you have made this decision.

Instead of letting your brain take over and only remember the good things, having your list close by will help you stay determined to, once and for all, leave this toxic relationship.

A pen and notebook on the table

#7 – Engage a therapist or life coach (or see the one you have).

If you have a therapist or a life coach, it is time to call them. If you don’t have one, find one.

You have never (hopefully) ever had to leave a toxic relationship before so you might have no idea how to do so successfully. Having a professional will help you ensure that you have success, sooner than later.

I have worked with many clients to help them get out of a toxic relationship and they say that they couldn’t have done it without me. I am able to be the person who holds them accountable. I am able to be honest with them about what I see, with no personal agenda that a friend might have. I can guide them to resources. I help them process the emotions that have led them to this place. I am their biggest cheerleader. . All invaluable things.

Reach out to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t, find one. BetterHelp.com is a great way to find a therapist. It is all online so you aren’t limited to finding therapists in your area and you can find one who suits your needs anywhere.

OR you could reach out to me! I would be happy to help!

#8 – Block them.

I can not say this one often enough! If you want to successfully leave a toxic relationship, you must block your person. You must block them on your phone so that they don’t reach out and block them on social media so you can’t see what they are doing.

Back in the day, when we went through a break up, the chances of being in contact with our ex was minimal. Now, in these days of cell phones and social media, we have access to our ex and their goings on 24/7. And that access can sabotage our decisions.

Imagine if you find the strength to let go but then continue to keep tabs on what your ex is doing on social media. This could make you miss them or be jealous that they are moving on or confuse your determination to follow through. All of this could sabotage your conviction, putting you right back where you were before.

And, if you don’t block your ex on your phone, one or both of you will be tempted to reach out, opening up another conversation that might lead in a direction other than the one you want to take!

I know it seems like it will be hard but you can do it. And it is the most important piece of this journey one that you can do!

A black and white image of the word " rock ".

#9 – Take it one day at a time.

If there is anything that can prevent someone from letting go of a toxic relationship it is trying to get too far ahead of ourselves!

If you have been trying to get out of a bad relationship, have you not done so because you are afraid of the future? Are you are afraid that you will not be okay, that you will always be alone, that you will never love or be loved again? If so, you are not alone.

But, you are also not alone in that you aren’t thinking clearly.

Yes, if you walk out on a toxic relationship you might be alone for a while, but I can promise you that you will find love again. That you will be able to get back to a healthy happy life. That you will find yourself again.

I know it’s really hard to visualize that right now and that is ok. What you can visualize right is the next few moments or the next few hours or maybe even what is going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow is way less unknown then next week or next year.

So, try to keep your eyes down and on tomorrow, not next year. If you can do that, you won’t get overwhelmed and you will be able to walk away. I promise.

Knowing how to get out of a toxic relationship can be incredibly hard to see clearly.

But letting go of a toxic relationship, one that is holding you back from living the life you want, is possible! It might be hard but you can do it!

Just take the time to set yourself up for success define your determination, get some support, set yourself up for financial and living independence, stay clear on why you are doing this and cut off all ties with your ex.

If you can do this, if you can stick to the plan, you too can find the life and the love that you have always wanted.

I promise!

 

 

 

“Why Do I Like Toxic Relationships?” Your Question, Answered.

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that, if you aren’t in a toxic relationship right now, you have recently been in one and/or, perhaps, you have been in more than one over the years.

Well, you are not alone! Know that loving toxic relationships is, for many reasons, very common.

Most of my clients come to me because they are struggling in a toxic relationship and they want to understand why they stay. The first thing that we talk about is them who they are, what they bring into the relationship and their part in the toxicity.

Once they see what their role is in the relationship, they can take the steps to either improving it or walking away.

I am afraid the reasons are many to the question “why do I like toxic relationships?

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Your parents.

According to Rebecca Bergen, PHD, “Attachment theory suggests that we create an internal working model of our parents that we later internalize as our own sense of self. This attachment style also affects how we experience ourselves, and, in turn, how we are in relationships.”

In other words, people who have parents who are actively involved and engaged in their children’s lives will influence that child feeling secure in a romantic relationship. However, if a parent is not involved and engaged with their child, that child will not feel secure in their parental relationship and they will bring that insecure attachment style into a romantic relationship.

For one of my clients, she had a terrible relationship with her father. He was mostly absent and, when he was around, he was emotionally unavailable. She would try very hard to get her father to notice her, to no avail. As a result, she felt that she was unloveable. And this feeling she carried into her adult relationships.

As a result, when she entered romantic relationships, she tended to enter ones where she was treated just like her father treated her“ where she was abandoned and disdained. Those kind of relationships, while toxic, were what she knew and therefore what she gravitated towards. So, for her, loving toxic relationships, entering them over and over, were the direct result of her toxic relationship with her father.

#2 – Your past relationships.

Be honest. When you buy ice cream, do you always by the same brand?

Do you have habits that you repeat daily because they feel comfortable?

Does doing something unfamiliar give you anxiety?

For many of us, old habits die hard. We like the safeness and security of the familiar and, as a result, we do the same things over and over.

So it is with toxic relationships “ we tend to gravitate toward them over and over because they are what we know.

Whenever I have a new client who comes to me about their toxic relationship, the first question that I always ask them is if they have ever been in a healthy relationship. Almost without exception, they say ‘no,’ or, if they had been in one, it didn’t work out.

For them, because they have never been in anything other than a toxic relationship, they believe that theirs is perfectly normal. That, while they are unhappy in the relationship, they believe that this is just how relationships are toxic.

And so they stay because a happy relationship seems scary and unfamiliar.

#3 – Your insecurities.

In this world where we are constantly bombarded with images of the perfect life or the perfect body, many people are rife with insecurities.

They carry these insecurities throughout their lives, especially when it comes to romance, believing that they aren’t good enough to be worthy of a healthy relationship.

I have a client who has had a rough go of it throughout her life, and, as a result, she is very insecure. The path that she thought would be hers didn’t happen, and, as a result, she was in a job she hated, living with a roommate at 30.

So, when she started dating, she didn’t believe that she was worthy of being loved, and, as a result, she chose men who reinforced her theory. Men who treated her with disrespect, disrespect that she believed she deserved.

As a result, she stayed with these men, over and over, living in a toxic relationship that she believed was the result of bad life choices she had made through the years.

#4 – Your low self-esteem.

Many women who have been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship have very low self-esteem.

They have been treated badly for so long, led to believe that everything that is wrong in the relationship is their fault. They know they should leave a relationship but they don’t, which only makes them feel more horrible about themselves.

So, when they do get out of the toxic relationship, they hold onto the feelings that they had when they were in it, feeling horrible about themselves in the world.

And what do they do? They carry that lack of self-esteem into their next relationship which only leads to the same result being treated with disdain and disrespect, all they believe they deserve.

A woman with long blonde hair standing in the desert.#5 – Your need to fix someone.

Are you someone who believes that if you just love someone enough, they will change?

That someone has been brought into your life for a reason for you to love them enough to make them whole?

Do you believe that you know who they could be if they would let you help them get there?

In my whole life, I have probably encountered one woman who didn’t feel the need to fix a man, who didn’t feel like it was their obligation to do so. As a result, women stay in toxic relationships for longer than they should, believing that, if they just love their person enough, they will change, and the relationship will be better.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work this way. Unless someone actively wants to change, they won’t, and no amount of love is going to make them do so.

#6 – Your hopeless romanticism.

One of my biggest frustrations with movies and television is the way that relationships are often portrayed.

How many rom-coms have you seen where the relationship started out as adversarial and then turned to love?

Or relationships where the husband is toxic and the woman holds on, knowing that things will get better and they do?

Or a relationship that has been broken by toxicity ultimately gets healed with just one sentence?

Unfortunately, the way that toxic relationships are portrayed on movies and on television are unrealistic. The toxicity that exists over the course of the show almost always gets resolved over 90 to 120 minutes. This easy resolution leads many women to believe that their toxic relationship is fixable, just like the one they see on TV.

Many women are hopeless romantics because of what they see in the movies. The relationships that she sees every time she sits down in front of a screen lead her to believe that she too can have that happily ever after if she stays in this relationship, a dream that, unfortunately, just doesn’t come true.

A man and woman kissing each other on the forehead.

#7 – Your tendency to self-sabotage.

According to Bismar Anwar, LHMC, Fear of abandonment or intimacy is a primary cause of self-sabotage, but research also shows that people might self-sabotage for other reasons, too. For example, trust issues, limited relationship skills, unrealistic expectations, or low self-esteem, among other things, are all common in self-sabotaging relationships. Further, we know that these behaviors often repeat across multiple relationships.

People who self-sabotage are people who don’t trust their partners, without reason. They pick fights. They demand perfection. They are unfaithful. They are passive-aggressive.

People who self-sabotage are truly incapable of building a healthy relationship.

Are you guilty of self-sabotaging in past relationships? Know that, if you are, you are most likely addicted to toxic relationships because they feed your need to self-sabotage in a big way.

So, the answer to why we like toxic relationships is not an easy one.

One doesn’t have to have all the reasons listed above to be someone who likes toxic relationships – one is enough.

Know that, if you recognize why you do stay in toxic relationships longer than you should then it will help give you insight about how to get out of it, learn to change your behaviors and attitudes and get the happy relationship that you have always desired.

You can do it! Many women have been able to take a good hard look at themselves and why they love toxic relationships and make change. You can too!

 

Setting Goals as a Couple: The Key to A Healthy Relationship

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I know, it doesn’t seem very romantic does it, setting goals as a couple.

After all, you have found your soulmate. Shouldn’t you just be able to live happily after in peace and harmony?

Ideally, yes. In the real world, though, things aren’t so simple. And, as a result, goal setting is key to having the healthy relationship that you want

Why is setting goals as a couple important?

When I talk about setting goals, I often refer to the workplace. Do you and your team mates set goals about what you are going to get done. Do you set benchmarks so that you know that you are making progress? Does this methodology work to keep your team successful?

I bet it does. So why wouldn’t you do the same in a relationship?

In a relationship, you are two members of a team who want a happy life together but the path there isn’t always a straight one. There are so many complicated pieces of life that can get in the way of our happiness, obstacles that can block our way forward.

That is when it’s important to set goals. To clear that path so that you can navigate the marriage with the goal of happiness always in sight!

So, when setting goals in a couple, what kind of goals should you be thinking about?

Here are some to consider:

#1 – To keep communication open.

Communication is the key to any healthy relationship and, without it, a relationship is doomed to failure.

Without communication, without honesty, a couple can become disconnected.

They can grow apart and small resentments can build. Once these cracks form in the foundation of a relationship, it can be hard to stop them getting worse.

Setting the goal that you will always communicate with each other, about things big and small, will help keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#2 – To never take each other for granted.

In this crazy world, it is very easy to lose sight of what is most important in life, namely our partners.

Between work and kids and extended family and all of the other demands that we encounter every day, we can take our partner for granted, assuming they will always be there when we need them.

Doing this will end even the best relationship.

Set the goal that you will never take each other for granted. That, no matter what is going on, you will let your partner know that you see them, that you love them and that you appreciate that they are in your life. Doing this will only make your relationship stronger.

#3 – To remember that we are all only human.

Many of us go into relationships with unreasonable expectations of another person – namely that that person will be perfect, that they will be able to give us everything that we want and need in life and to never hurt us.

Unfortunately, this kind of person only exists in fairy tales.

When setting goals as a couple, have one of them be a commitment to recognize that we are all only human and that we will make mistakes. And commit to being open to forgiveness, to not hold a grudge against your person for their humanness.

Remember, you are only human too, doing the best that you can to navigate this crazy world of love!

A red heart sitting on top of a table.#4 – To be able to advocate for what we need.

How many times have you not spoken up for what you wanted? How many times have you just gone along, not wanting to make a fuss? And how has that worked out for you?

It is key that, in every relationship, we are willing and able to advocate for what we want and need. And that we are willing and able to listen to our person when they do.

When setting goals as a couple, commit to the understanding that you both have individual needs and that respecting those needs is very important.

Even if those needs can’t be met sometimes, being allowed to verbalize them safely is the key to keeping a relationship healthy and strong.

#5 -To keep going when the going gets tough.

In this day and age, it is easy to cut and run when the going gets tough.

Instead of staying and working through issues, many couples walk away from a relationship, figuring that walking away will be easier than trying to fix something.

In this disposable world that we live in, it’s important to set a goal that neither one of you will walk away when the going gets tough. That you will commit to working through things, big and small, and keep your relationship on track.

#6 – To not take things personally.

A client of mine needed to have her husband to do something for her on the way home from work. He said he would and then he forgot. He didn’t do it maliciously – he just had other things on his mind and dropped the ball.

And what did she do? She took it totally personally and decided that his inaction was a reflection of how much he loved her.

But the truth was, he did love her. He just forgot.

It’s important that, when setting goals in your relationship, you include the understanding that, when your person does something to let you down, you won’t take it personally.

Again, your person is just a person in the world doing the best that they can. And that, even if they make mistakes, it has nothing to do with how much they love you.

#8 – To work to put issues to bed.

I know that, when I was married, issues would arise regularly. How could they not, with the crazy world we lived in?

My husband and I tried hard to address those issues when they arose but, more often than not, life got in the way and those issues got brushed under the rug, saved for another day.

Over the years, the fact that we avoided those issues became an issue. Those thousand little cuts that we did to each other over the years started to fester.

And, ultimately, those unsolved issues destroyed us.

When setting goals as a couple, resolve to work hard to settle issues as they arise and not wait for them to cause rot in your relationship that can’t be stopped.

 

#9 – To be honest about intimacy.

Talking about sex and intimacy in relationships can be very difficult. Both of those things are sensitive topics, fraught with opportunities to cause pain and confusion.

It is essential that, to keep a relationship healthy, each member of a couple agree to be honest about their wants and needs in their relationship and be willing to work together to meet those wants and needs.

Almost every single client I talk to who has had an affair counts not having any intimacy as one of the reasons. And it’s not the fact that they aren’t having sex, its that they aren’t even talking about it.

So, no matter how hard it might be, committing to keep discussions around intimacy open in your relationship will only make it stronger!

#10 – To tackle the problem, not each other.

I remember when I was married, the holidays were always an issue. His family wanted to spend time with us and I wanted to do them on our own.

My husband was caught between his mother and me and our wants and needs and it wasn’t easy for him.

Unfortunately, instead of us working together to figure out what to do about holidays, we tended to just fight about them. We went round and round about how insensitive one of us were being, or stubborn or thoughtless. It got us absolutely no where and ultimately destroyed our relationship.

So, resolve to work together to solve your problems, not just fight about them!

#11 – To make up after an argument.

Never, ever, ever go to bed angry. Never walk away from someone during an argument. Never say something in anger that you can never take back.

I am sure that this is advice that you have heard from more than one person.

Well, listen to it!

Making up after an argument is an important component of a healthy relationship. Even if the issue hasn’t been resolved, try to reconnect on a human level, with the person who you know and love.

Being able to do so will only bring you closer and perhaps even give you a clearer head to solve the problem next time it arises.

#12 – To give each other freedom.

When you and your partner are talking about relationships goals, one of the most important ones on your list should be this one giving each other freedom to do what you want to do, to be who you want to be.

Being part of a couple is wonderful but it is essential that we maintain our individuality inside that relationship.

If we don’t, if we lose sight of who we are outside of the couple. If we rely on our coupleness to define who we are, this will make us dependent on the relationship and that won’t be healthy.

Make sure that, when you talk about your life together, set a goal to give each other the freedom that is needed to be yourselves in the world.

#13 – To make time for fun.

Last but not least, when setting relationship goals, resolve that you will always make time for fun.

Life is hard and it’s easy to lose sight of the joy that can be found in it, especially in something as complicated as a committed relationship.

Make sure that you take the time to have fun together. To do the things that you did together when you were falling in love. To trying new things together.

To laughing and living and having fun. Together.

A man and woman are talking to each other.

Setting goals as a couple can seem intimidating but it doesn’t have to be.

I would encourage you to take this list and discuss it with your partner. Work together to understand each other perspectives and define what is important to you and set about doing it.

You will be glad you did!

How to Recover From a Break up – 10 Things that Really Work

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If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you have had your heart broken.

And for that I am very sorry!

I know that there is nothing worse than a broken heart.

I remember my first like it was yesterday. Bobby Fortunato broke up with me for Katie Ford my mom let me stay home from school because she knew how hard it can be.

I did get over Bobby Fortunato and you can get over the person who let you go.

So, how to recover from a break up? Here are 10 things that really work so that you can over your broken heart and move on!

#1 – Set boundaries.

The first step that you MUST do is to establish boundaries with your ex.

This means no trying to be friends. It is literally impossible to be friends with an ex after a breakup – there are too many hurt feelings.

This means not making excuses for seeing each other. You are both probably missing each other, and seeing each other will only hurt.

This means no random hooking up, hoping that things might change. They won’t.

This means NO CONTACT. This means blocking them everywhere. If your ex can reach out to you, or you them, it will sabotage your healing in a big way.

#2 – Do some research.

There is so much information online about how to recover from a break up. (Like this blog!)

I always encourage my clients, when they are in break up recovery mode, to go online and learn what they can about break ups.

I encourage them to read blogs and to interact with people who are going through break ups. Getting more information about anything only helps us work through it, and interacting with like-minded people can always be helpful.

There are two caveats to this recommendation.

The first is that you recognize that the information you find online is not directly related to you and your break up. It is someone else’s story, and some of the things that you will read won’t be relevant to you. This is important to keep in mind.

I also encourage people to do this research in the beginning but to shut it down after a week or two. If you continue doing research on break ups, then you will be stuck in break up mode and not be able to move forward.

After spending some time online learning about break ups, it’s time to spend some time online learning about moving on!

A table with books and an ipad on it

#3 – Take stock of your role.

Many of us play the victim after a break up.

We think that we did nothing wrong and that our ex is completely to blame.

I have a client who told me that he had been the perfect husband for 20 years and that his wife cheating on him wasn’t his fault. In reality, he realized that he hadn’t been the perfect husband and that, while his wife’s infidelity wasn’t justified, he did have a role to play in her turning to someone else for emotional connection.

If you are playing the victim in your break up, it will definitely sabotage your break up recovery

#4 – Don’t stalk them.

In this day and age of social media, stalking an ex is easy.

Back in the day, the only way to know what an ex was doing was by grilling their friends or trying to set ourselves up somewhere we know they might be.

Now, you can go online and, in a few clicks, see what your ex is doing and with whom.

Why will stalking hamper your recovery after a break up? Because seeing them online is breaking the ‘no contact’ rule. Knowing what they are up to, seeing that they have moved on with their life, believing that they are happy without you, will only set you back to square one in your healing.

#5 – Let yourself cry.

So many of us hold in our emotions. We are told from a young age that we need to stop crying or that it makes us weak. As a result, when we have our heart broken, we tend to stuff the pain down deep instead of letting it out.

It is so important that, in every area of life, we feel our feelings. Why? Because if we feel them, we will be able to let them out of our body. Instead of holding them inside, where they can fester and cause damage, letting them go will help us to set ourselves free from the pain.

So, cry. Get a journal and write out your feelings. Talk to your friends. Get those feelings out of your head and your body so that you can take another step recovering from a break up.

#6 – Know that you are not alone.

I am sure that, right now, you are feeling like your pain is the worst pain of all. That this break up is more painful than any other break ups. And believing that will only hold you back in your recovery.

I suggested before going online and finding other people who are struggling with a break up. Find a local divorce or break up group. Spend time with friends who are going through the same thing.

The Mayo Clinic states that the benefits of a support group are significant. Support groups will help you feel less lonely, it will reduce distress, anxiety and depression. It will help you improve your coping skills and talking openly about your pain will help others heal as well.

There is nothing like sharing our situation with others who are in the same place to help us heal after a break up.

You are not alone. Know that!

Three women laying on the ground wearing sunglasses.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

I am guessing that you might be reading this blog with a pint of ice cream in your hand. Perhaps on the couch, still in your pajamas?

This is okay. But don’t let this be your world for very long.

It is very important that, when we are recovering from a break up, we take care of ourselves.

Sleeping is the most important thing. If you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to think clearly and emotions will be harder to manage.

Exercise and eating well are also key. They will make your body feel strong and confident, and there is nothing better than having a strong body.

Furthermore, exercise helps release dopamine, a feel-good chemical that will reduce the pain of the break-up, at least for a little while.

#8 – Don’t shut people out.

For many people, the instinct to isolate themselves after a break up is strong.

After all, break ups can lead to depression and isolation is a hallmark of depression.

Shutting people out, isolating yourself from people who care about you, will only hamper your recovery.

After a break up, we often feel abandoned. We feel less than. We feel unloved. Spending time with people who love you will help you to not feel those things. Instead, you will feel loved and safe and special.

Feeling this way will only help us speed along our recovery and move on.

 

#9 – Do something special.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. I found myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone, with nothing much to do. I spent time alone, trying to figure out what was next but feeling hopeless and helpless.

And then a friend called me and asked if I was interested in taking a trip to Peru. It was a five-day hiking trip that ended at Machu Picchu. Peru was somewhere that I had always wanted to go. I jumped at the opportunity and spent 5 lovely days hiking the Andes.

This trip helped me recover from my break up for two reasons.

The first is that it got me out of my hum-drum routine into something totally different. I spent time with people I didn’t know and who didn’t know my story. I spent time with people from other cultures and learned from them.

The second reason that this trip helped with my break-up recovery is that I accomplished something. I traveled to Peru, hiked to 17,000 feet, ate foods I had never eaten before, and took a risk by branching out.

Both of these things, experiencing different things and proving to myself that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to, helped me move on in a big way!

A woman climbing up the side of a mountain.

#10 -Have hope for the future.

I know that this feels impossible right now. To have hope that you will ever love or be loved again is just beyond.

But I can tell you that you will be okay. That you will find someone else to love you. That your happily ever after is out there.

My husband left me 12 years ago. Last week, I married the love of my life. In between, I found love in many places and it made me a new, improved version of myself.

I never would have believed that this could happen. But it did. And it happens to all of my clients, without exception. If they can let go of a love that wasn’t serving them, they open up the space to find someone who will.

I am guessing that you have been through a break up before and eventually gotten past it and found love again? That will happen again. I just know it.

A woman in a straw hat is standing in the middle of sunflowers.

Knowing how to recover from a break up can be difficult.

When we are in breakup recovery mode, we often aren’t thinking clearly. Our emotions are clouding our brain and we get paralyzed.

But you can heal from your break up. You can rebuild yourself, stronger then ever. You can create the life for yourself that you have always wanted and get your happily ever after.

Instead of this being the end, it is the beginning.

I promise!

 

Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay in Relationships? 9 Surprising Reasons

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I know it seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, if someone cheats on someone, why would they want to stay in a relationship with them?

After all, they cheated. They can’t possibly still love their person and be happy in a relationship if they cheated. Right?

Actually, it’s more complicated than that. People cheat for many reasons and not only because they are no longer in love with the person they are with.

They cheat because they might struggle with low self-esteem or they have a hard time with commitment or they don’t feel loved or they need variety or they feel neglected or because the opportunity arises and, of course, sexual desire.

It is very rare (although it does happen) that someone cheats because they want to get out of a relationship.

So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships after they have cheated?

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – They still love you.

You might be thinking “how can people cheat on someone they love?†It just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you would never do that, correct?

But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Just being in love isn’t enough to help someone heal their wounds. Yes, love is wonderful and it makes us feel better in the world but love doesn’t fix everything.

Someone who is well-loved and in love might still suffer from low self-esteem or depression, and that might lead them to cheat. Or they might feel neglected by the person they love and so they turn to another to make themselves feel better.

What they don’t want, at all, is to let go of the person they love. They love that person and want to be with them, and they see the cheating as something that is totally outside of their love story with their person.

I know it seems weird, but the number one reason why cheaters want to stay in relationships is that they still love their person.

#2 – They feel guilty.

Imagine you are someone who just cheated on someone you love.

Perhaps it’s your spouse or your partner or even a friend.

Can you imagine the guilt that you must feel? It must be pretty overwhelming, no?

So, what might be your instinct when you are feeling guilty about cheating?

To stay, perhaps, and try to fix things? Yes, probably.

Ironically, staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t a good reason to do so. If you don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are willing to address the root cause of it, staying will only make things worse.

I always encourage cheaters who want to stay because they feel guilty to ask themselves if staying is really the best thing for their partners or are they staying for themselves and their guilt?

#3 – They are scared.

Cheaters who want to stay in relationships often do so because they are scared.

They are scared of letting go of someone they still love. They are scared to be out there in the world, on their own. They are scared that they will never find someone else to love and that their reputation will be forever tarnished as a cheater.

Fear is a very powerful emotion, something that keeps us from putting ourselves in harm’s way and it’s something that’s hard to overcome. When people cheat on someone they still love, the idea of losing them is almost more than they can bear.

But, again, it’s important that, if a cheater wants to stay in a relationship, that they do so because they want to make things work, not because they are scared about what is on the other side of a break up or divorce.

#4 – They don’t have other options.

This is a big one. People often want to stay in a relationship after they cheated because they have no other option than to do so.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients whose partners cheated and whom they want to leave are still in a relationship with them because there are no other options.

Perhaps it’s the finances that make someone stay or have no place to go. Or, if they leave, there will be no one to provide childcare or take care of the home.

Perhaps it’s the fact that they believe that, if they go, they won’t have any other options to find love. That the love they have, even if it’s damaged, is better than no love at all.

Having options is one of the most important things to have in one’s life, and not having them can paralyze someone when it comes to making a move.

#5 – They fear change.

According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter, writing for the Harvard Business Review, people hate change for a multitude of reasons. Change means a loss of control, uncertainty, loss of face, and concern about whether they can handle it. Fear that changing one thing might change other things. Worry that the change will backfire and that things will get worse.

A person who has cheated, especially if they have been found out, will already be dealing with a world that feels pretty wobbly.

Cheating, while it sounds sexy, will rock someone’s world, shaking the foundation of everything that they assumed about themselves.

The last thing that they want is for things to change ever further, to have to leave the family or the house that gives them the stability that they need.

And so, they want to stay!

#6 – They don’t feel good about themselves.

One of the number one reasons why people cheat, in my opinion, is because they have a low opinion of themselves.

They don’t like who they are in the world and they haven’t learned how to manage or change and so they have had to create coping mechanisms to live with themselves.

One of those coping mechanisms might be cheating. By focusing on their infidelity and their affair partner, they don’t have to think about how much they hate themselves. They are also spending time with someone who thinks they are wonderful and tells them that regularly.

When a person is no longer cheating, they need to revert to other coping mechanisms, ones that may or may not work. And the idea of leaving their partner, especially if they still love them, might be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.

They might not think that they deserve their partner, because they cheated, but leaving them will only make them feel worse about themselves.

A scary thing indeed.

#7 – They are worried about finances.

Money, money, money. It makes the world go ‘round.

For many people, they stay in their relationship after cheating because they worry about finances. Because they are anxious that, if they leave, their long-term financial health might be damaged.

And, of course, many people stay because they just can’t afford to do it, right now.

Unfortunately, staying in a relationship because of money will, most likely, just lead to a lifetime of misery. If we don’t stay in a relationship because we truly want to make the relationship work, then we won’t ever be happy.

That being said, staying might be the only option if finances are in issue, in which case, working together to try to figure out how to make co-habitation work would be wise.

#8 – They still want sex.

Sex, sex, sex – the other thing that makes the world go ‘round.

For many men, having sex is a driving factor in their life. They think about it every day and would love nothing more than to have a partner who wants as much sex as they do.

And they know that, if they leave, the chances that they have to have sex anytime soon are slim. Furthermore, for someone who might have been recently having sex with more than one person, the prospect of the absence of sex might feel overwhelming.

So, yes, cheaters who want to stay in relationships are often cheaters who want sex and hope that, if they stay, they will still be able to get the sex that they desire.

#9 – They have hope.

Many, many people who cheat regret that they did so. They know that the affair didn’t fix their lives the way that they had hoped it would. They know that they only caused other people pain. They know that they let themselves down. They promise themselves that they will do better.

And, with these thoughts in mind, they want to stay.

They want to stay so that they can work on things – both personally and as a couple – hoping that things will still be okay.

They believe that, if they leave, that will mean the end of the relationship and that they will never have the chance to make things right, something that they want to do.

I hope that you now see that cheaters want to stay in relationships for a variety of reasons.

Some of them, like hope and love, are excellent reasons to stay. They signal that the cheater wants to work to make amends and to make change and to get the relationship back on track.

Some of them are selfish, like the fear of being alone and not getting laid. Many cheaters are selfish, so these reasons, while not being okay, are on brand.

And some reasons are purely practical, like not having options or having financial anxiety.

Whatever the reasons, the fact that a cheater wants to stay in a relationship is not unusual.

If your person has cheated and wants to stay, find out why. That will help your decision about whether they should stay or should go easier.

You can do it!

Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

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Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

10 Easy-To-Miss Stages of a Dying Marriage

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Many of my clients come to me wondering if their marriage is dead.

It can be hard to tell, from the inside looking out, where one’s marriage stands.

Why? Because, as the years go on, some behaviors, good and bad, become normalized, and it’s hard to tell if they are affecting the marriage in a negative way.

What my clients know is that they are unhappy in their relationship, but they aren’t sure if that means it’s over.

I tell them that there are specific signs, specific stages of a dying marriage, that can be easy to miss.

Knowing what they are is a crucial way to know if your marriage is dead or if it might be resuscitated.

Here are 10 easy-to-miss stages of a dying marriage to help you decide the next steps in your.

#1 – Out of sight, out of mind.

Do you find that, when you are away from your spouse, you never think about them, much less miss them?

Do you find that you only think about them when you are apart when you need them? Or when you are angry with them?

For people who are in a happy marriage, part of that marriage is having that person on your mind, or at least coming to mind, while you are apart.

Thinking about them shows that they are important to you which is a good sign that your marriage might not be dead.

#2 – Not noticing the little things.

When you are first with someone, it’s the little things that are so special.

The cute way that they do things. The jeans that hug their butt just so. The silliness that they display when they talk to their mom. The way they rejoice in making you happy.

As marriages go on, it’s easy to stop noticing the little things. Time and familiarity make it so those little things seem to not be as important anymore.

And, as a result, spouses can start to feel invisible and unloved.

Ironically, not noticing the little things is an easy-to-miss stage of a dying marriage because, more often than not, not noticing the little things at first is a sign of being comfortable and familiar with your partner. Ultimately though, as time goes on, that comfort can cause a disconnection that can end a marriage.

#3 – Ignoring the tension in the room.

When my ex-husband decided to go back to business school, which meant leaving the house every other weekend and being consumed with homework when he was home, I was so very angry beyond angry.

But we never talked about it. Instead, we just pretended that I didn’t care.

Over the two years when he was in school, there wasn’t a moment when the two of us were in the same room that there wasn’t tension. Instead of addressing it, though, we ignored it.

It got worse and worse, and I am sure that our marriage never recovered from those periods of sadness and anger and we are now divorced.

#4 – Loss of intimacy.

This is the sign of a dying marriage is that isn’t as hard to miss.

According to Marriage.com, sex increases levels of commitment in a marriage. Because of intimacy, a couple who might get disconnected over the course of the day or week can reconnect through physical touch.

And that can save a marriage.

Unfortunately, in many relationships, women need to feel connected before they are willing to have sex while men need sex to feel connected. This leads to a détente and sex that never happens and might even lead to even more disconnect between the two.

#5 – Lots of acts of service.

One thing that I noticed as my marriage died was how many acts of service we did for each other.

I would bring him lunch at work. He would take the kids away for the weekend to give me some space. He would take out the garbage, and I would make his favorite meal.

Both of us did these things because we were trying to show the other love.

Unfortunately, my love language is quality time, and his physical touch, and the acts of service that we were doing for each other made neither one of us feel loved.

And, because we weren’t feeling loved, it was hard to fight for the marriage, and ours eventually died.

#6 – Talking about the weather.

Does this happen to you? Do you find that you talk about the weather or current events or kid’s activities or that the car needs to be fixed but do not talk about anything of any substance at all?

Do you do this because you have found that you have nothing left in common, nothing to talk about?

Or perhaps you do this because you are both avoiding talking about the elephant in the room and so you keep the conversation surface level.

Whatever the reason, not being able to talk about things is definitely a sign that your marriage might be dead.

#7 – Not having fun together.

Just like having things to talk about, to keep a marriage strong, it is essential that the couple has fun together.

That they take the time to share experiences that they both enjoy. To stay up to date with each other’s interests. To spend time together laughing and appreciating each other.

This can be a slippery slope in a marriage. While the things that you both enjoyed initially attracted you to each other, as time goes on, those interests can diverge. And diverge to the point where you have nothing in common anymore.

They can also diverge to the point that you have disdain for what they want to do and only participate grudgingly.

Do you and your spouse still have fun together? If not, then that could well be that your marriage is dying.

#8 – Your friends don’t want to spend time with you.

Have you noticed that invitations from friends have gotten increasingly sparse?

Do your neighbors not drop by as much?

Does your family tell you they don’t like what they see between you and your spouse?

Even though many couples don’t see just how bad off their marriage is, people on the outside definitely can. They can read the tension and see the contempt and hear the complaining.

Being with that couple can be uncomfortable and just plain not fun. And so they make excuses to spend time elsewhere, ironically leaving the unhappy couple to themselves to become even more unhappy.

#9 – Being antagonistic.

Do you find that you are picking fights with your spouse all the time?

Instead of talking about things that are frustrating you, are you passive-aggressive, saying unkind things under your breath and then saying that everything is fine?

Being antagonistic is definitely a sign of an unhappy marriage. Imagine if a friend acted that way, picking fights and being rude. Would they still be your friend? I am guessing not.

People in a happy marriage don’t pick fights and be passive-aggressive. They treat their partner with respect and try to communicate clearly about things that are important to them!

#10 – No willingness to act.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me that their spouses aren’t willing to get help for their marriage.

That they don’t see the need or don’t believe in therapy or make excuses that they don’t have the time.

As a result, things just stay the way they are or get worse.

A good marriage is a marriage that is being consistently worked on. It’s two people who want the marriage to be healthy and are willing to do whatever they need to do to keep it that way, and they do so without rancor.

For a couple who is stuck in unhealthy patterns because the desire to not deal is there, their marriage will definitely die a slow, painful death.

Are you reading this article because you want to save your marriage? Then I would suggest that, when you are done, you talk to your partner about getting help to work on your marriage, perhaps rebuilding it into something strong.

Sometimes the stages of a dying marriage are hard to spot.

Much like when we are drowning and trying to keep our heads above water, so being in the midst of an unhappy relationship can be hard to see.

It’s important that couples recognize the signs that their marriage is not a healthy one so that they can take the steps that they need to take to save it, if they want to.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be DOA. There is still time to save it, if you both want to!

When Your Wife Yells at You: 5 Do’s and Don’ts

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Marriage is hard. Very hard. And unfortunately, there are times when it can involve lots of yelling.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have a calm, rational conversation about an issue, and often they can. But, sometimes, they lose control of their emotions, and they yell.

And, for many people, being yelled at is something that shuts them down.

In my work with clients, I have many men who just don’t know what to do when their wives yell at them. They feel like their reactions, or lack of, can make things worse and they just don’t know what to do.

I know that, for my husband, when I yell (which is rare) he says that his mind just shuts down. It’s blank. He has no idea what to do. I had no idea that this happened and when he told me it gave me a ton of information to share with my clients, men and women.

To that end, I thought I would share with you today the 5 do’s and don’ts that I tell my male clients when they say, ‘my wife yells at me, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Maybe these tips will help you get through these experiences in a productive way and might help prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

Do: Let her vent.

When your wife yells at you, she has lost control of her emotions. Chances are that she is yelling because she has a lot of pent-up issues, and, for some reason, feelings about them have erupted.

The best thing to do when she needs to vent is to let her do it. She needs to get it out of her system, her frustrations, and when she does, she might be able to express what she is feeling in a calmer, more rational manner.

Don’t: Walk away.

I know – it’s really hard when your wife yells at you. It’s really hard when anyone yells at you. And the temptation to walk away is huge.

But, if you walk away, you will do two things. The first is to anger her more, which will involve more, even louder, yelling. The other is that you will kick whatever the issue is down the road which, will, most likely lead, you to say ‘My wife yelled at me’ again soon.

So, do your best to stand your ground and listen to your wife as she yells at you. I know that it might take superhuman powers to do it. But, if you can, it will pay off in spades.

Do: Listen to her words.

I know that it might be difficult but, if you can, try to listen to the words that your wife is telling you. Yes, there might be a lot of very emotional, maybe unreasonable, things coming out of her mouth but hidden in there is the issue that she is upset about.

Why would you listen to the words of someone who is yelling at you, who is making you so uncomfortable by doing so, who is making you feel attacked? Because if you can try to understand what her issue is, when she is done venting, you might be able to address what she is so upset about.

Don’t: Shut her out or ignore her.

When my male clients say, ‘My wife yells at me all the time,’ I ask them what they do when she does. More often than not, my clients just don’t pay attention.

They might turn their back on her, focusing on another task. They might walk out of the room, not letting her express herself. They might look at their phone, ignoring her, waiting for the venting to be over.

This is pretty much the worst thing that you can do if your wife is yelling at you.

If your wife if yelling at you, pay attention. Again, you might have to be strong and block out the vitriol but, if she knows that you are listening, she will most likely calm down quicker.

Do: Stay calm

I know. I am asking you to stay really calm while your wife yells at you. Three times now, I have asked you.

For many people, two things happen when we are yelled at. First, we want to cut and run, to save ourselves from the pain of the yelling. The second is that we want to jump into the fray and start yelling ourselves.

We want to push back on the words that they are saying. We don’t listen to what they are trying to communicate but just focus on whatever we are going to say next. Our heart rate gets elevated and our instincts to protect ourselves kick in and we fight back.

And this, I am sure, if your wife yells at you, is not productive.

Don’t: Don’t yell back.

The next step to staying calm in the face of your wife yelling at you is to try as hard as you can to not yell back. I know that it might seem impossible, but if you can do it, it will go a long way toward the yelling being over and a possible discussion happening.

Many of my male clients really struggle with this. When they feel attacked, it is the male instinct to fight back and protect themselves. When someone they love attacks them, it is even worse.

They lose control of their emotions and raise their voice along with their wife. And this, I am afraid, willing only make the yelling escalate and lead down the road to nothing productive.

Do: Try to understand where she is coming from.

If you listen to your wife’s words, you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from. The yelling is coming from somewhere – the key is figuring out where.

Sometimes, when we are on the other side of someone’s vitriol, we assume that, whatever they are yelling about is all about us. But, often, that isn’t the case.

Think about the times that your wife has yelled at you in the past. Has it always been about something that you have done? Or perhaps, maybe it’s about something else?

I know that, when I used to yell at my husband, is was often because of something else. Perhaps I was trying to cook dinner and the kids were being difficult, and his mother was calling and the dogs needed to be fed. He would walk in the door and ruffle through the mail pile, leaving it a mess, something that he did all the time which drove me crazy.

And, while the ruffling through the mail pile was something that I didn’t like, I generally didn’t address it. But, when things were chaotic, and I was frustrated, him doing that small action set me off.

I would yell at him for doing that and he would be bewildered at what he had done in the 30 seconds that he had been home which would make me so angry.

In fact, it really wasn’t him but it was what was going on around me.

So, know that understanding where your wife is coming from might help you manage it, and your emotions around it, so as not to escalate what was happening.

Don’t: Tell her that she is wrong.

Telling your wife that she is wrong in the middle of her yelling you will only get your head bitten off. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, especially a wife who is really angry with her husband.

Of course, you might think her wrong, and she very well could know that she is wrong, but telling her would be like prodding a tiger with a stick. She will only roar back at you, yelling loader, being more vicious.

When the fighting is done, you might be able to discuss what is happening, and she will see the error of her ways but, in the middle of it all, keep quiet. And calm.

Easier said than done, I know.

Do: Ask her what she needs from you.

Once her emotions are spent and she is no longer yelling at you, ask your wife what it is she needs from you.

Does she need some space to calm down after the yelling? Does she want to talk to you about what is going on. Does she need a hug? What is it that you can do to segue into the next part of this event.

I know that you probably aren’t feeling very loving towards your wife after she yells at you but the best way to prevent the yelling in the future is to act in a way now that is loving and supportive.

Don’t: Belittle her.

I have many clients who make the mistake of belittling their wives when they are yelling at them. They tell them that they are being ridiculous. They might perhaps mimic in a condescending way what their wife is saying. They might tell them that they are acting like a child.

Don’t do this. Again, I know that it’s difficult, but belittling someone who is already angry isn’t going to calm things down. It will only make the person doing the yelling feel that her actions are justified because you are, in fact, being a jerk.

In summary, knowing the 5 dos and 5 don’ts when you say to yourself, ‘my wife is yelling at me and I have no idea what to do.’

No one likes to be yelled at, ever. But there are ways to manage your wife’s emotions in the moment and maybe prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

All of this being said, know that if your wife’s yelling is escalating in frequency or noise levels, this is not ok. Yelling can be a form of emotional abuse that might need to be addressed. This article will tell you more about verbal abuse and what you can do to manage it.

If you find that the yelling is affecting your mental health, perhaps it will be time to get some help. Whether it’s talking to your health care professional about your options or trying to get you both into marriage counseling, if your wife’s yelling is only getting worse, it’s time to take action.

After all, taking care of yourself and your mental health is the yell to staying healthy through this challenging time and will keep you strong in the future should your wife yell at you again!

10 Reasons to Avoid Having an Affair with Married Men

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For many people, they might seem obvious the reasons to avoid having an affair with married men. After all, they are married and not available, right?

Unfortunately, for many women, they do go down that rabbit hole of having an affair with a married man. Nobody sets out to do this but it does happen, whether because they are tricked by their man, or they decide to take a chance that this married man will leave his wife and they will live happily ever after.

Whatever the reason, having an affair with a married man is, not surprisingly, a really bad idea. The pitfalls are significant and might even cause permanent damage.

Let me share with you 10 reasons to avoid having an affair with married men.

Maybe if you can see them clearly now, before you go down that slippery slope to an extramarital affair, you might be able to shut things down, before it’s too late!

#1 – He will break his promises.

If you were in a relationship with someone, would you be okay if they broke all their promises?

If they promised you, they would be somewhere and then couldn’t make it at the last minute.

If they promised you that they would take action on some matter and then not do it.

If they went promised to love you forever and then went home to another woman every night?

I am guessing that if you were in this kind of relationship, you would break up with the guy.

A married guy will break all of his promises.

He might promise you that he wants to be with you on Sunday and then cancels because of a soccer game. He might swear that he is going to tell his wife that he wants a divorce and then doesn’t do it. He might tell you that he will spend your birthday with you but then shows up at your house late because he can’t slip away.

Know this – that your married man, even if he doesn’t want to, will repeatedly lie to you, making promises that he just can’t, or won’t, keep.

#2 – Your relationship won’t be real.

Many people who are in relationships with married men tell me that they have found their soul mate and that they can’t possibly live without them.

That, I am afraid, is bullshit.

Two people who are having an affair exist in a bubble. A bubble of sex and dinners out, maybe vacations, presents, words of love and affirmation.

What they don’t have our kids to manage, finances to worry about, in-laws to deal with, and those 1000 daily cuts. It is those things that truly make a relationship. Being able to work through the difficult stuff and still have the bubble stuff.

One of the major reasons to avoid having an affair with married men is that you won’t ever truly be in a relationship, and you will forgo the chance of finding one.

#3 – His wife probably isn’t as bad as he says.

I know – I am sure that every married man’s wife is a total bitch.

She doesn’t have sex with him. She doesn’t care about him. She is always bitching and moaning. He is perfect and just wants to be loved, but she makes it impossible.

Anyone who has ever been married knows that there is no one person at fault in a marriage. As time goes on, people become complacent, taking each other for granted. Little issues are ignored which can lead to resentment. People change in different ways and can become disconnected, which can kill a sex life.

Don’t believe it if your married man tells you that his wife is an ogre and that he is an angel. It’s just not true. She is just a woman in the world, doing her best.

#4 – He is a cheater.

If there was ever a reason to avoid having an affair with a married man, it is this one – you are in a relationship with someone who is a cheater. And a liar.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. His wife discovered it. He promised my client that he was going to leave his wife, he just needed to find the right time to do it. He told her this for a year.

Finally, the wife said that he could go. She could tell he was unhappy, and she didn’t want that. What did my client’s boyfriend do? He stayed. He said that it wasn’t the right time to leave.

The whole time he had promised her that he would leave, and he was lying. He might have even been back to having intimacy with his wife. He was lying and cheating on both of them!

So, know that a married man who is willing to cheat isn’t one that you can trust for any sort of long-term relationship.

#5 – You will fall in love with him.

Many people go into affairs believing that it will just be about sex. That they will be able to have it once or twice, get it out of their system, and move on.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Scientists from Rutgers University used scans to monitor the brain activity of 30 women during orgasm. What they learned, among other things, is that an orgasm produced oxytocin, a feel-good chemical. For some reason, it produces more oxytocin for women than for men, leading women to become attached to the man in a big way.

And this will happen to you. Have sex with your married man, follow it up with some cuddling and words of affection, and, boom, you will be hooked.

I can promise you – this will happen!

#6 – You will only be lonely.

One thing that I learned while having an affair with a married man is that I was always lonely.

Except for those times, he could make time for me, I was alone.

Because I had made myself always available to him for those last-minute visits, my friends had stopped asking me to hang out because I always said no. As a result, while waiting around for him to be free, I was alone. And sad.

Furthermore, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc. I was alone. He was always with his family, enjoying family activities. I was alone.

So know that unless you want to spend tons of time alone, hating yourself, you should avoid having an affair with a married man.

#7 – You will lose yourself.

Before I met my married man, I was in a great place.

I had just moved to NYC, and was building a successful business, I was happy and felt really good about myself. I am guessing that is what made him attracted to me.

A year in, I was a shell of the person I had been.

A year of knowing that what I was doing was wrong, of never being the priority, of having been on the receiving end of countless broken promises, had worn me down.

My self-esteem was shot, I was unhealthy and couldn’t focus on anything.

All of my clients find some version of this happens to them when they go down the road of having an affair with a married man. They totally lose themselves, and it feels horrible.

#8 – You won’t find a real relationship.

You want to find your person, correct? You want to have a healthy, happy relationship and build a life with someone, right?

Well, that won’t happen if you are having an affair with a married man.

Why? Because you will spend all of your time and energy on him, being there for him, and you won’t have the time or energy to date.

And, if you can find the time and energy to date, hoping to find someone so that you have the strength to leave your lover, your heart won’t really be in it because you will be pining away for your married man.

And this could set you up to never find the relationship that you want!

#9 – You will be ashamed.

If you are currently having an affair with a married man, be honest. Do you wake up every morning happy to greet the day, knowing that you are a good person in the world?

Probably not.

We are all raised to ‘do the right thing’, and one of those things is to not engage in infidelity. Furthermore, we never want to disrespect another woman for any reason, much less have an affair with her husband.

Doing these things – not doing the right thing or betraying another woman, among other things – are going to leave someone having an affair with a married man feeling really, really bad about themselves.

They know that what they are doing is wrong. They want to get out of it and can’t. And they have way too much free time to sit around, judging themselves for their actions.

Do you want to feel this way? Probably not. Avoiding an affair with married men would be the best way to prevent that from happening!

#10 – He is not your soulmate.

I know, I know. You, and your affair partner, are sure that you are each other’s soulmates.

I mean, no one gets you as they do, and it feels like you have known them for many lifetimes. How can you not go down the road to an affair with someone who is your soulmate? It is meant to be, after all!

Well, chances are, you are just two people in the world who share similar sensibilities and who have a chemical attraction. As time goes on and the affair becomes toxic, you just might begin to see it and wonder how you got on this path.

And, if you truly believe that he is your soulmate, let me share this idea with you.

A character in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Eat Pray Love,’ states that he believes that your soulmate is not someone you should share your life with because it would be too messy. What a soulmate does is come into your life, shake things up, wake you up, and then move on so that you can start living the life you are meant to lead. Or get you on the path to doing so.

Either way, another reason not to have an affair with a married man is that, no matter how much you believe it to be, this man who is cheating on his wife and breaking his promises to you is not your soulmate.

How could he be?

Perhaps you are one of those people who think that it’s easy to avoid having an affair with married men.

I mean, it is, after all, wrong, disrespectful, and toxic.

But, for many reasons, many people find themselves on the slippery slope of having an affair with a married man. And many of them go into it totally ignorant of why they do it and what it means.

So, if you are considering getting involved with a married man, know that, ultimately, the affair will most likely chew you up, spit you out and leave you a disaster.

Go find yourself a single guy instead. Even if they aren’t, ultimately, the right person for you, at the very least, they won’t be the wrong one from the get-go.

Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships Even if They Know They Should Leave

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I recently read a headline about a woman who was abused who had been killed by her husband.

He said it was an accident but, as the police investigated, they learned that her husband had been abusing her for years.

When I discussed what happened with some of my clients, many of them, while they pitied her, wondered why she didn’t leave her husband when he abused her.

The answer, I am afraid, is not a simple one. There are many reasons why women stay, many of them sometimes insurmountable.

Here are 15 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave so that we can all understand why they do so that we can show them compassion and not judgement.

Knowing these reasons might also help you see why you might be staying in a toxic relationship so that you can have some clarity about what next steps might be for you.

#1 – They are afraid to be alone.

One of the top reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid to be alone. They are afraid that they will be lonely. They are afraid that they will struggle to take care of themselves. They are afraid that they will lose their friends and their social group.

One of the reasons that we all subject ourselves to online dating is because we don’t want to be alone. We want someone to share our lives with.

When we have a bird in hand, someone we are in a relationship with, it’s hard to let it go because then we will have to start all over again. Who wants to do that?

#2 – They think no one will ever love them again.

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me, I was sure that I would never love or be loved again.

I believed that, if he left me, there was no chance that anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was incredibly insecure about myself and truly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Of course, I found a new boyfriend pretty quickly, this being high school and all, but the fear that I never would stayed with me and led me to staying in relationships that weren’t good for me later on in my life.

#3 – They believe that everything is their fault.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they believe that everything that happens is their fault.

Many abusive men (or women) who are abusive are gaslighters. They go out of their way to convince their partners that everything that is wrong in their relationship is their fault.

That if the woman didn’t do this certain thing, everything would just be fine.

That if she didn’t leave the bread on the counter but instead put it away, he wouldn’t have to yell at her.

That if she didn’t flirt with the car repair guy, he wouldn’t have to knock her around.

If she could just keep the kids quiet during the football game, he wouldn’t have to berate her for being a bad mom.

Because a woman in an abusive relationship believes that everything is her fault, she just doesn’t believe that things would be any different in another relationship, so she stays.

#4 – Those moments of happiness between abuse.

Every abusive relationship has those moments of joy. Those moments when everyone is being nice to everyone and feeling loved. And, often, because abusive relationships usually involve heightened emotions, in both directions, those moments are GOOD!

It is those moments, and the moments that they remember from the beginning of the relationship, that lead women to stay in abusive relationships. They want to believe that they can, in fact, be happy in it, because sometimes they truly are.

#5 – They are financially dependent on their abuser.

Another top reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are financially dependent on their partners.

Whether they don’t work or whether they don’t have enough money to survive on their own, leaving just isn’t an option because they can’t afford it.

#6 – Their abuser won’t let them leave.

This happens a lot to women who are in abusive relationships.

Sarakay Smullens, in his abstract, “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy,” notes that “the abuser will become enmeshed, or completely absorbed, with their partner. They will become afraid to let the partner leave and will be overly protective. They will flower their partner with gifts, love, and praise.â€

Quite simply, men who are abusers need their partners to stay because they need to maintain power and control and to not be able to do that is inconceivable.

#7 – They were abused as children.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they had difficult relationships with their parents.

In early childhood, hopefully, one has a relationship with one’s parents that is loving and nurturing. If that kind of relationship exists, their emotional needs are met, and their attachment styles are healthy.

If someone does not have a nurturing relationship with their parents but rather a neglectful, even abusive, one, women will develop an unhealthy attachment style, one that will lead them into abusive relationships as an adult.

To those kinds of people, abuse is the norm, not the exception, and so they stay.

#8 – They are trauma bonded.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, “trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.â€

Breaking the cycle of trauma bonding is incredibly difficult without professional help, so unless women recognize that they are trauma bonded, they tend to think what is happening is the norm, and they stay.

#9- The kids.

This one is very obvious. They stay because of the children.

For mothers, the instinct to protect their children is primal. They will do whatever they need to do to keep them alive.

Unfortunately, this might mean staying in an abusive relationship to keep their kids from growing up in a broken family or in poverty.

They also want to make sure that they can protect their kids from the abuse and so they stay to make sure they can do this.

Of course, exposing kids to an abusive father will only set them up for attachment issues when they are adults, so staying is, most often, counterproductive.

#10- They want to fix their abuser.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t believe that she can fix a damaged man.

That if she just loves him enough, he will change, and they will be happy.

Unfortunately, no one changes unless they truly want to. No amount of love will stop a man from being abusive, and staying to try to change them will never work.

#11 – They have no support.

For many women who have been abused, their abuser gets between them and their family and friends. As a result, these women feel completely isolated and believe that they will have no support if they leave the relationship.

Furthermore, resources to help abused women are not available to everyone so knowing how to leave, even if you want to, might be out of reach.

#12 – They have no place to go.

Just like being financially dependent on someone, so women who are being abused might be reliant on their abuser to keep a roof over their heads.

Their survivor instinct might be willing to put up with anything to keep themselves, and their kids, warm and dry.

Again, women’s shelters might be few and far between, and, if they are accessible, hard to get into. This would lead a woman to stay as she has no other options.

#13 – They have no self-respect.

One of the saddest things about women who are in abusive relationships is that the pattern of abuse has destroyed their self-esteem.

Being on the receiving end of words of derision, of physical violence, of being told that everything is their fault, leads women to feel worse and worse about themselves.

As a result, they don’t believe that they would be able to survive without their abuser. That they would never be loved again. That they only deserve what they have now.

And so, they stay, not believing that they deserve to be treated better and be happy.

#14 – They don’t believe that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a toxic situation, it’s hard to see clearly what is going on.

Abuse can show up in different ways. Abuse can be physical, it can be emotional and verbal, it can be sexual, and it can involve gaslighting.

For many women, they believe that physical abuse is the only thing that categorizes abuse and they don’t see that being on the receiving end of verbal or sexual abuse might not be okay. And so, they stay.

#15 – They are afraid.

The final, and perhaps most obvious, reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

They are afraid that their husband will hurt them, a reasonable fear considering the abuse they have been subjected to over the years.

They are afraid they will be poor. They are afraid that their friends and family won’t believe that they have been abused. They are afraid their children will suffer.

It is natural human instinct to not do things that we are scared of. In ancient times, this fear kept us alive. In more modern times, fear is something that keeps us in the line of fire instead of safely out of it.

So, there you go – why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave.

From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why a woman might stay in an abusive relationship but now I hope you see why they might.

No one is immune from an abusive relationship – they happen across all socio-economic lines. The stereotypes that we see from TV and movies aren’t necessarily accurate – it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse as well.

It’s important to recognize if you, or someone you love, might be in an abusive relationship so that you can figure out how to take next steps to get out of it.

Here is a resource to help you, or your loved one, learn more about abuse in relationships and what your options are.

You can do it!

 

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