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What Makes a Power Couple? 5 Ways to Know So You Can Be One Too

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Every couple I know would like to know what makes a power couple.

We look at celebrity couples like Michelle and Barack Obama, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry, and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (to name a few) and want more than anything for our relationship to be like theirs.

We want love, stability, success, commitment, and power.

We want to be a couple that we can be proud of and one that everyone else admires.

We want a relationship that will withstand time and overcome all obstacles.

Namely, we want to be part of a power couple!

Would you like to know what makes a power couple?

Learn the traits that make a power couple a power couple so that you and your partner can strive to be everything that you want to be?

Let me share them with you now so you can move forward deliberately and make it happen.

#1 – They prioritize each other.

One of the most important traits that make a powerful couple is prioritizing each other.

In this crazy world, with work, kids, families, and life all getting in the way, it’s easy for couples to lose sight of each other.

Power couples, especially, are busy conquering the world, and instead of letting their work get in the way of their relationship, they make it a part of their success story.

Take Megan and Harry, for example. When they got married, from day one, they struggled. The Royal Family, the media, and much of the country seemed to be betting against them.

Harry was used to this way of royal life – he had lived it all of his life. And royal life had been the only thing that he had known. While he struggled with it sometimes, he was devoted to his family and country. Until that is, they started messing with his wife.

As we all know, Harry chose Megan. When he noticed that she was struggling, he stood up for her and turned away from everything he had ever known so that she would be safe and their relationship intact.

Now, look at them – safely ensconced in Santa Barbara, raising a family in a healthy way and taking on the world. He prioritized her. She trusted him. Now they are living happily ever after.

So, if you want to know what makes a power couple, prioritization is key!

#2 – They don’t take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, many relationships fall apart because couples take each other for granted.

They assume their person will always be there for them until they are suddenly not.

When I was married, we were a bit of a power couple. My ex-husband had a high-level job at a world-known company. I was on fire as a real estate agent. We traveled the world, lived in Tokyo and did things other people only dreamed about doing.

I can’t tell you how many times someone told me that they wished they had the life that we had.

And we did have a good life. But, as life went on, we took each other for granted.

We were both so busy that we never made time for each other. We sometimes treated each other disrespectfully because we assumed we would always be there. We stopped putting our relationship first.

As a result, we gradually grew apart. As we did, our power faded. Not being so well connected as a couple sapped the energy out of our relationship, leaving us just another couple, soon to be divorced.

If you want to be part of a powerful couple, never take each other for granted.

#3 – No topic is off-limits.

In literally every pursuit in the world, communication is the key to its success in every pursuit in the world. Having an open dialogue about what is going on around us is how we make a change and move forward.

And when communication falters, so does success.

Imagine two high-level executives at a Fortune 500 company. Imagine if, as they made plans for their business to grow and flourish, they could not talk about it.

Imagine if they found that if they tried to share their goals, the others would only mock them.

Imagine if they hid things from each other, trying to protect the other.

Can you imagine these executives not running this company into the ground because they couldn’t talk about important things?

So it is with a power couple.

A powerful couple can talk about anything and everything. They will be able to talk and know that they will be heard. They will be willing to truly listen and not just think about what they will say next. They will work together through issues. They will be able to resolve things and move forward decisively.

Can you and your partner communicate about everything? Do voices sometimes get raised, but are you generally able to work through things and move on, never holding grudges or being passive-aggressive?

If the answer to this question is yes, you could be part of a power couple!

#4- They share the same goals.

Every power couple shares the same goals and works together to reach them.

I am not saying they need to have the same goals, but they do need complementary goals – like reaching a certain career benchmark or wanting to accomplish something big. Or raising a healthy, stable family.

What can’t happen is one of them sitting quietly on the sidelines, watching the other person have all of the successes.

Back to Megan and Harry. They seem to have very complementary goals.

They are both activists who travel the world, making a difference.

They are parents who prioritize the mental health of their kids.

They strive to be financially independent.

They want to live their own lives.

And they do these things.

While I know they are activists for different causes, they both support and believe in each other’s work. They work side by side, teaching their children to be strong despite their difficult childhoods. They are living the way they want to live and doing an excellent job of working together to be financially independent.

Do you and your partner share similar goals? Do you support each other with those goals and stand beside each other every step of the way?

If yes, then you and your person are most likely a power couple, one that might even change the world.

#5 – They give each other space.

In every couple, there are two people. Two distinct people had separate lives before they came together as one.

Unfortunately, when couples form, sometimes their individuality disappears, and they become less of who they are as a person. They are not worse people, but they might lose touch with themselves.

Giving each other space and letting each other be individuals is one of the key traits that make a power couple!

I remember when Barack Obama was president. Watching him and Michelle navigate their lives in the White House was fascinating.

They were both important people with big jobs, taking care of the country and advocating for better lives for everyone. We often saw them with their children or on a date, a truly happy couple who enjoyed being together.

What I remember even more is the freedom they gave each other. Michelle used to travel the country, following her passions. She took her kids on trips to places she wanted to share with them. He was able to escape the Oval Office to play golf or basketball.

They gave each other space to be who they were as individuals. And that made them a power couple.

Power couples can use up a lot of energy when they are in the same room. Giving each other the freedom to go off on their own to recharge their batteries only makes them stronger when they get back together.

I hope after reading this article you know understand more about what makes a power couple.

Today, Barack and Michelle Obama have one of the most respected relationships in the world – and that’s not because they are glued to each other’s sides daily.

Being like Beyonce and Jay Z or Ben and Jennifer might not be what you want for your relationship. It does seem like a lot of work to be them.

But, even if you want a simple life, you can still be a powerful couple. You can still prioritize each other every day. You can never take each other for granted. You can listen and know you will be heard. You can share the same goals for your future and give each other space.

Doing so will make you the power couple in your family and community. You can bring positivity everywhere and make a big difference in your little universe.

And as a result, your relationship will stay strong and you, too, can get the happily ever after you have always wanted!

5 Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Marriage

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There are so many things I wish my mother had told me about marriage before I walked down the aisle.

After all, she had been through it and had had a hellacious time. She got married at 25, had me and then my brother and sister, and was divorced by 39.

I was the oldest and I watched my parent’s marriage fall apart but I truly never understood what had happened to them.

Now here I am, divorced and contemplating another marriage. But, unlike the first time, I am not new at marriage. I have experience and wisdom and know what I need to do differently to make this marriage work.

No one hands us a manual when we get married so it ‘ s important that the information is passed down generationally. To that end, here are 5 things I wish my mother had told me about marriage that I know today. Let me share them with you so that you go into your marriage with your eyes wide open.

#1 – Make it about love, not about timing.

I always tell my daughter that when she wants to get married, we will throw her a party and buy her an amazing dress. After the party, if she still wants to get married, I will give her my blessing.

I got married when I was 28. My ex and I had been together for 5 years and we were happy. We knew each other well, shared the same hobbies and had just moved from San Francisco to Maine. All of our friends were getting married and having babies and so we decided it was time to do the same.

He proposed and I accepted and naively believed that we could love each other forever, even if I wasn ‘ t madly in love with him. We had a really fun wedding and a great honeymoon. It was all lovely.

18 years later, our marriage was in tatters. We were still friends, excellent parents and good business partners, but our marriage was DOA. I talked to my therapist about it and he said that, for people who aren ‘ t madly in love when they marry, bringing a marriage back from the dead is very hard to do.

I do believe that there is more to successful marriage than just love. Love is an important part of it but so is respect, trust and kindness. For a marriage to stay healthy as the years go on, it is important to maintain the love amid the craziness of the world around us.

So, before you walk down the aisle, make sure it ‘ s not about timing, not because you have always wanted to get married by 30 and have kids by 32. Instead do it because the person you are going to marry rocks your world.

#2 – Don ‘ t be passive aggressive.

One thing that I REALLY wish my mom had told me about marriage was the importance of not being passive aggressive. The importance of being direct about what you are thinking and what you are feeling and what you need, cannot be overstated.

Instead of telling my ex what is it was that I needed, I would make snide comments and belittle him. How good do you think that made him feel?

I know now that one of the reasons I did this was because I really didn ‘ t know what I needed but also because I didn ‘ t have the communication skills that would have allowed me to talk to him. As a result, passive aggressiveness was my number one mode of communication. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

Over the years, this passive aggressive behavior caused a huge rift in our relationship. He would tiptoe around me, trying to figure out what to do so that I wouldn ‘ t snap at him. I know that living with me was hell.

So, as you go into a marriage, I would encourage you to develop communication skills immediately. Being passive aggressive in your marriage will only destroy it.

#3 – Make your husband a priority.

For those of you who are mothers already, I am sure when I say this you say ‘ ˜no way. ‘ And I can appreciate that. My kids always come first.

What I am not saying is that you have to prioritize your husband over the kids. What I am saying is that they need to the next one. Not your job or your mom or your friends – your partner.

My dad always said that he was 6th in our household. That he came behind the kids and the dogs. It wasn ‘ t that way when he got married so it only left him lonely and confused. And I know that it ‘ s one of the reasons that his second wife didn ‘ t get to have any kids – because he wanted to be a priority.

Why is making them a priority important? Because it keeps the relationship strong. Because they know that you have their back and will make time for you and that you can trust them and respect them. It ‘ s way easier to keep a marriage healthy than try to fix it once it ‘ s gone bad.

Ironically, men do often keep their wives as a priority so its on us girls to step up and do the same.

#4 – History repeats itself.

A client of mine had her family torn apart by her father ‘ ˜s infidelity. As she grew up and went through therapy, she realized what a profound effect the infidelity had on her emotional health and she promised herself she would never do that in her marriage.

After 10 years of marriage, she was feeling alone, ignored and not prioritized in her marriage. Along came a man who made her feel alive and heard. And what did she do? She had an affair.

The affair almost killed her. She felt so happy in the moments she was with him but felt so guilty afterwards. She worried that what she was doing would destroy her family – and her affair partner ‘ s family. She felt like she had let herself down by doing the one thing that she swore she would never do.

Why does history repeat itself? Because when we are children, our parents are our life. Whether we want to or not, we watch them and absorb their behaviors, good and bad, and strive to emulate them. We don ‘ t have the cognitive awareness to know any better. By the time we are grownups, those traits have been well established and hard to let go of.

I really wish that one of the things that my mom had told me about marriage was that history does repeat itself. She experienced the same problems her parents did and if she had recognized that and shared it with me, I might have been able to do things differently.

#5 – Marriage is complicated.

I know we all want to fairy tale – that we will live happily ever after with our spouse, in our perfect house with our perfect family. All of our dreams will come true.

Unfortunately, that is just a fairy tale. Marriage is long and hard and very complicated.

What are some of the things that make a marriage complicated?

  1. Extended family
  2. Children
  3. Work
  4. Finances
  5. Goals for the future
  6. Communication skills
  7. Sex
  8. Baggage
  9. Emotional Health
  10. People changing

I would encourage you to take a look at your marriage and see how healthy you are in those certain areas. I know that in my marriage, my husband’s extended family caused a big rift between my ex and I and that our communication skills around it were non-existent.

I always prioritized the kids, he prioritized work and our sex life was dead.

I struggled with depression and he didn ‘ t have the tools to help me.

The lesson here is that marriage is not all about being soulmates and living happily ever after. Marriage is about two people who are joined together for the rest of their lives, in the messy world of babies, extended family, financial considerations, etc.

It is essential for people who are getting married to go in with their eyes wide open, recognizing that marriage is going to be a lot of work and probably not the stuff that we see on TV and in movies.

In retrospect, the things that I wish my mother had told me about marriage were things that she wasn’t even aware that she needed to tell me.

Back in the day, we just didn ‘ t talk about these things. Therapy was pretty much non-existent and couples really struggled with the words to face these realities.

To be fair, my mother probably had NO IDEA that she needed to tell me these things or that she had even experienced them herself.

It ‘ s a different world now. I always tell my kids that they will learn by the example that I have set, and the things that we have talked about, and that their marriages will succeed where mine didn ‘ t.

It can be the same for you. Even if your mother didn ‘ t have the skills to tell you what you needed to hear before your marriage, you know them now and you can implement them and change family patterns and get your fairy tale ending!

You can do this!

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

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There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

How to Let Go of Regrets in the New Year So that You Can Be Happy (2023)

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Are you, like many of us, hoping to let go of regrets in the New Year?

You know the regrets I am talking about – the ones that give you a pit in your stomach when you think about them. The regrets about choices that you did or didn ‘ t make.

Regrets can be hard to live with. Regrets make you think about the way your life could have been if only you had gone a different direction. And, unfortunately, regrets can keep us mired in the past instead of living in the now and seeing the potential of the future.

Learning how to let go of regrets is the best thing that you can do to help build the life you want.

Here are 5 ways to let go of regrets in the New Year so that you can look ahead to the potential of your life instead of being stuck in the past.

#1 – Identify them.

For many of us, we have more than one regret and those regrets are rolling around in our brains, doing nothing but causing us damage.

I am a big believer in getting things out of your head and onto paper. They say that thoughts are 4x more destructive left in your head than they are when they are out in the world. Therefore, I encourage you to sit down with a pad of paper and write out your regrets. It might not be easy but it will be the first step towards letting them go.

A few of my regrets, just for example.

  1. That I didn ‘ t choose running over badminton in 8th grade.
  2. That I didn ‘ t say yes to Shawn Miele when he asked me out to lunch.
  3. That I went to culinary school instead of the hotel management school.
  4. That we moved to Boulder instead of staying in Maine.
  5. That I didn ‘ t address my mood issues sooner.

It ‘ s interesting; writing out that list was harder than I thought. I thought that I had tons of regrets, but actually, it seems that I only have a few. That feels pretty good, actually.

#2 – Don ‘ t kid yourself.

The thing about regrets is that we are always longing for the life we might have lived if we had chosen that road instead of the one we did. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we just know that if we had made a different choice, our life would have been better.

But I don ‘ t think it ‘ s that easy. Yes, if you had chosen a different path your life might have played out differently but that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean it would have been better.

I recently read an excellent book about regrets, The Midnight Library. In it, the protagonist Nora is given a chance to live the many lives that she would have lived if she made a different choice. And yes, some things in her many lives were better, but her life definitely wasn ‘ t perfect.

In one, she was the rock star (a past regret being that she had walked away from her band), but, in that life, her brother had died of a drug overdose. In another, she was married to the man she had regretted walking away from, but, in this life, he was an alcoholic, and their marriage was a shambles. Third, she was a geologist, a career not chosen, but she was in Antarctica when her mother died.

So yes, if we had made the choices that we regret not making, our lives might have been different but perhaps not necessarily better.

I know that while I regretted moving to Boulder because I think it was the reason my marriage fell apart, I also know that, if we hadn ‘ t moved, my daughter wouldn ‘ t have found the high school that changed her life and that we wouldn ‘ t have adopted the dog who helped my son get through college.

Making that choice, I believe, changed the course of my life. While my marriage falling apart was devastating, in the end, it was all good. I have a wonderful life, and my kids are thriving.

So, look at your regrets and recognize that the life you think you might have led had you made that choice is not based on any truth but on a story you have created in your head.

#3 – Ask yourself why?

For many of us, we don ‘ t know why we made the choices that we did.

Did we do it because we were scared or because we were depressed or because others made the choice for us?

I know that for me many of my regrets have to do with a lack of self-esteem born from depression.

I didn ‘ t choose running because, in spite of being told I was excellent by the PE teacher, I didn ‘ t believe that I could do it. I chose culinary school instead of hotel management because my then boyfriend thought that was what I wanted to do. I didn ‘ t take a look at the emotional struggle I had dealt with my whole life because it just felt like too much effort.

The key part of understanding why you made the choices you did it so that, going forward, you don ‘ t make those mistakes again. You don ‘ t make choices that you regret making.

Because a key part of letting go of regrets is looking to the future and the potential that is there for you and reaching out and taking it.

I know that, since I have dealt with my depression, I make my own decisions, and I stick to them. As a result, I very much have the life that I always wanted to have. That life started at 50 years old, but I have a lot of years left, so it ‘ s ok.

#4 – Where are you in your life?

Speaking of where I am in my life, I know that now my regrets are fewer than they were in the past. I believe that it ‘ s because I am happy.

Back in the days when I wasn ‘ t living the life I wanted, when I was a stay-at-home mom with no identity of my own, in an unhappy marriage, struggling with depression and lack of follow-through, I spent a lot more time focused on my regrets.

If only I had made a different choice, my life would have been so much better.

Now, because I am happy, I can look at those regrets and recognize that the choices I made got me to where I am today. Yes, I might have wished I had a degree in hotel management, but I also know that being a life coach and growing my own business has been incredibly satisfying.

Take a look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you think that you focus on regrets because of how unhappy you are in your life? Do you constantly say, ‘ ˜If I had just made that choice instead of this one, my life would be better? ‘

I get it. I do. But what I can tell you is that, while you can ‘ t change the past, you can change the future. Try not to think of yourself as who you could have been by focusing on the past, but instead think of who you can be by seeing the potential for yourself for the future.

Because it never is too late to live the life you want. Again, I didn ‘ t find true happiness until I turned 50 when I made the decision to move to NYC and never look back. I built a life for myself full of love and success, and if I had stayed in the past, mired in my regrets, I never would have gotten there.

#5 – The Many Worlds Theory.

Ok, this one is kind of strange and feel free to skip past it if it ‘ s too much for you, but I just learned about something that I never knew before.

Some scientists who study quantum mechanics believe in the concept of the multiverse, specifically the Many Worlds theory, which posits that there isn ‘ t only this life that exists but that there are a number of other universes, in each of which we are living a different life, different lives based on choices we made.

If you follow that idea, then it is possible that there is another you, or many other yous, living the life that you might have lived had you made a different choice. That somewhere out there, I had a hotel management degree or I was an Olympic runner or I had faced my depression early on.

Somewhere out there, I am living many different lives, lives based on the choices I made.

For some reason, this idea gives me a lot of peace. The idea that the life I could have lived had I made different choices is happening somewhere that I am experiencing the things I have always wished I was experiencing makes me profoundly happy. I know I will never know what that life is, but I am happy that a different me is living it.

I know – this all sounds very far-fetched, but I wanted to share it with you in case it resonates as it does with me.

I hope that I have been helpful in showing you how to let go of regrets in the New Year.

Regrets are based on ideas in our head of how things could be, not on any kind of truth. Spending so much time focusing on the theoretical doesn ‘ t get us anywhere. In fact, it holds us back.

So, take some time to take stock of your regrets, push back on them so that you can take away some of their control over your life. Take stock of why you have them so that you don ‘ t make choices the same way again, and take a good hard look at where you are in your life and what you can do to change it.

And, finally, think about that other ‘ ˜you ‘ out there, living another life, one that isn ‘ t perfect but that is full of human fallibility and love.

Now that you know how to let go of regrets, go out there and do it!

I know you can!

How Surviving a Crisis Together Can Make a Relationship Stronger

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There are many things that can make a relationship stronger but going through a crisis is one of those things that can absolutely make your relationship bulletproof.

Here we are, in the middle of a global crisis on so many levels. Between Covid, the election, the riots and the forest fires, our world feels like it ‘ s running out of control and there is no turning back. And that is petrifying.

While we can ‘ t control what is happening in the world (mostly), what we can control is our relationship and how we navigate this craziness together. Doing so successfully will only make a relationship stronger, one that can get through anything and move forward in an even more loving way.

Here are 5 ways that surviving a crisis together can make a relationship stronger.

#1 – You will come together.

You know the last time you went through a crisis and you had to go through it alone? Wasn ‘ t it a lonely struggle, one that was exhausting at times.

Are you now facing the current crisis with a partner at your side? Do you feel stronger and more able to take on anything because you know that there is someone who has your back unconditionally?

This tendency to unite in the face of a crisis is what can make a relationship stronger and, for many couples, this crisis has drawn them together in ways that no one really expected.

I have a client who was happily enough married. They were going about their daily lives, busy, hoping to have a baby, juggling work and friends and family. When Covid hit, their lives changed completely. They started working from home and their social lives dried up. It was just the two of them, in their apartment, facing this new world together.

My client says that getting through this anxiety filled time has made their marriage so much stronger. And having each other ‘ s support at the beginning, when there were so many unknowns, was something they both recognize they couldn ‘ t have done without.

#2 – You will support each other in small ways.

For many of us modern folk, we work really hard to be self-reliant. We want to believe that we don ‘ t need anyone or anything, that we can handle whatever comes our way on our own.

A crisis like the one we are going through now has shifted that. There are so many things to manage, many of them in our own homes, that we didn ‘ t have to manage before. There is working from home, homeschooling kids, cooking instead of eating out, keeping the house clean enough in spite of all of the people in residence and much more.

What I have discovered is that people are, like never before, supporting each other in small ways.

Before Covid, I had a daily list of what I needed to get done. I work from home so I often just worked my chores into my day. Most days, I couldn ‘ t get it all done because there was just too much. My boyfriend can never help because he would work all day and come home tired.

Now, with my boyfriend home, I find that he steps up to support me in small ways. He empties the cat box, he vacuums out my car, he stacked some wood and raked the leaves. All things that were, in normal times, totally my responsibility.

I know that having him there to support me in small ways, to do a few things to take them off my shoulders, has made me feel much closer to him. I truly appreciate what he does and it makes me want to do things for him in return.

#3 – You will touch more.

One of things that happens, whether we like it or not, is that when we are in someone ‘ s physical presence we just touch more.

Whether it ‘ s touching in the close quarters of the kitchen, sitting side by side on the couch catching up on emails, staying in bed just a little bit longer because of the lack of commute, physical touch has increased a thousandfold in many relationships.

And we know that there is nothing that can make a relationship stronger than loving physical touch.

#4 – You will have empathy.

My boyfriend is super sensitive to any little thing that is wrong with his body. If he has a headache or a back ache or a scratchy throat, he dramatically takes to the couch to convalesce. It drives me absolutely bonkers because I ignore any aches or pains in my body and just push through. I got 20 wasp stings on my body after stepping on a wasp ‘ s nest and I took a shower and then made dinner, pushing the (incredible) pain away because dinner had to be made.

During the time of Covid, I have become more empathetic to my boyfriend ‘ s sensitivities. He is very worried about contracting Covid so, when he starts to complain about being tired or run down, instead of rolling my eyes and walking away, I acknowledge how he feels and bring him a cup of tea on the couch.

In turn, he has true empathy for the fact that I, who am ALWAYS on the road, am stuck at home and how challenging it has been for me to share a house with 3 grown men, 24/7. I am writing this article from my mother ‘ s home in Virginia because my boyfriend understands and supports my need to be alone.

Our mutual empathy for what we both are struggling during this crisis with has definitely drawn us closer.

#5 – You will share success.

I know that the Covid crisis is far from over. The second wave is hitting us and many more people are getting sick and dying. We have been spared in our little corner of the woods but we still know pepole who have been sickened and our lives are still affected by it every single day.

What I do know is that, when the crisis is over and life gets somewhat back to normal, my boyfriend and I will sit on our porch, drinking a gin and tonic, damn proud of the work that we did to get through it. He has worked hard for the city he manages, making sure that people are taken care of and safe. I have supported people with my life coaching. We have worked together to keep our family strong, our finances on track, our mental health steady enough and our connection to each other intact.

It hasn ‘ t been easy, and it ‘ s not over yet, but I know that for us, and for all of you, getting through this and out the other side is going to be something that will keep our relationship strong.

It ‘ s interesting how surviving a crisis together can keep a relationship strong.

Think about any disaster movie you have ever seen. Often times, the hero and the heroine are estranged lovers. Their lives have been complicated and they have separated. And then the earthquake/tidal wave/alien creature hits and they are drawn together to overcome the odds and save the world. And, as a result, the final scene of the movie is them, covered with blood and dirt, sharing a passionate reunion kiss.

Much like in the movies, this crisis will keep your relationship strong. You will find you come together, you support each other in small ways, you will touch more, you will have empathy for each other and you will celebrate success when it ‘ s all done.

If there is a silver lining to this crisis it ‘ s that it will make a relationship stronger for many people who might have been struggling and keep a relationship strong for those who were steady already.

How great is that?

How to Infidelity Proof Your Marriage To Keep it Healthy and Strong

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Are you looking for ways to infidelity proof your marriage so that you can be happy and your marriage will last forever?

Have you married the person of your dreams and do you want to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship solid and healthy and infidelity proof?

Infidelity is something that no one sets out to do in a marriage – it is something that is often borne of unhappiness in a relationship, of a disconnect that has grown over time. Of course, some people are just chronically unfaithful but, more often than not, there are things that can be done to keep your marriage strong and protect it against the risk of infidelity.

Luckily, learning the tools to infidelity proof your marriage is not difficult and there are things that you can put to use immediately so that your relationship can go stronger quickly.

Here are 5 ways to infidelity proof your marriage NOW.

#1 – Share.

I know, I know. Every blog that you have read says that communication is the key to every healthy relationship. The reason that every blog says this is because it ‘ s the truth.

Think of every marriage that you know that is unhealthy. Looking in from the outside, do you see an inability to communicate, to share feelings, to explain when they have been wronged, to address how they feel about an issue or even to ask for what they want?

Do you see people who aren ‘ t willing to be vulnerable and tell their person how they feel about them or that their person is causing them pain? Do you see people who share their deepest thoughts and emotions with others but keep their partner in the dark?

Every healthy marriage is based on the ability to communicate with each other in a meaningful way, to speak up when something is bothering them, to feel safe knowing that if you do speak you won ‘ t be attacked, to know that your person will listen to you with an open heart.

So, set up healthy communication with your spouse and infidelity proof your marriage from the outset.

#2 – Maintain trust.

The number one way to strengthen your relationship so that nothing can break it apart is to establish trust and maintain it. When trust is lost, it ‘ s hard to regain. When trust is lost, it is easy for a marriage to fall apart and for infidelity to be a risk.

Trust can be lost in big ways and small. Big ones, of course, include infidelity and betrayal. It is the small ones, surprisingly, that can be most destructive to a marriage.

A client of mine had a husband who was always making her promises. He said he would go look at new windows for their house but went to the office instead. He said that he would take out the garbage but watched the game instead. He promised to be home in time for dinner but rarely was.

One small instance at a time, by saying he would do something but then not do it, my client ‘ s husband eroded her trust in him. As time went on, she trusted him less and less until, one day, she found herself with one foot out of the marriage. She no longer felt like she could be with someone she couldn ‘ t trust.

So, think hard about maintaining trust in your relationship. Whether it ‘ s about big things or small, when trust is lost it ‘ s almost impossible to regain.

#3 – Assume nothing.

I can ‘ t tell you how many clients of mine have told me, when I ask them how they communicate their feelings to their spouses, that they don ‘ t need to tell their partners that they love them ‘ ˜because they know. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how of my clients spend weekends with their parents or take walks with their friends or watch TV alone in the living room, assuming that it ‘ s okay with their partner that they not be doing things together.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients treat their partners with contempt and disregard, assuming that they will always be there, no matter how they are spoken to.

One of the things that happens in marriage is that, after a while, we start to take each other for granted. In the beginning, we stay constantly in touch, we spend time together, we share our feelings, we include each other in activities. As time goes on, we become less attentive and fall into a pattern of taking our spouses for granted.

Taking each other for granted will NOT infidelity proof your marriage. It will, instead, leave it highly vulnerable to someone from the outside stepping in.

If you want to infidelity proof your marriage, make sure that you never assume ANYTHING in your relationship. Don ‘ t assume that your person knows you love them – tell them! Don ‘ t assume that your person doesn ‘ t want to spend time with you or is okay with you disappearing every Sunday morning. Don ‘ t assume that your person will just take whatever you dish out and be there for you when you need them.

When you are done with this article, go find your person and kiss them, make plans for a hike in the morning and thank them for taking out the garbage. It could change everything for you.

#4 – Be honest. Always.

Has anyone ever said to you ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because I didn ‘ t want to hurt you? ‘ Or perhaps ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because it didn ‘ t seem important? ‘ Or even ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you for your own good? ‘

All of these things are examples of LIES – sometime lies with good intentions but lies nonetheless.

It is essential that, to infidelity proof your marriage, you always be honest with your partner about everything – everything.

If you go out with an old beau for dinner, be honest with your person and tell them. If you put a dent in the car, don ‘ t blame it on someone else. If you don ‘ t like broccoli, don ‘ t pretend that you do. If Sundays at his mothers are too much for you, don ‘ t pretend they aren ‘ t.

When you don ‘ t tell the truth to your spouse, you automatically put up a wall between the two of you. You have something that you aren ‘ t sharing with your partner and that will only create some distance between the two of you. And when there is distance, distrust often follows. And lack of trust, as we know, can kill a relationship.

So, NEVER lie to your spouse. Even for ‘ ˜their own good. ‘

#5 – Get physical.

This last way infidelity proof your marriage is a fun one. Getting physical.

Getting physical, in many forms, is the glue that can hold a relationship together. When touch stops, marriages can founder.

While I do include sex when I talk about getting physical, what I really mean is the everyday little things. The pat on the butt when walking through the kitchen, the kiss before leaving in the morning, holding hands on a walk, spooning at bedtime. All of these wonderful things count as touching.

What happens when we touch someone is profound. While our intellects are always processing our interpersonal interactions, touch is something primal, something that affects our emotions in a way that our brains cannot.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can help a relationship in profound ways. Hugs make the body produce ‘ ˜oxytocin, ‘ a feel good chemical. Hugs make us feel safe and secure. Hugs say a lot without words. Hugs mend in a way that words can ‘ t always do.

So, make an effort to keep your hands on your partner. Of course, not all the time but as often as is right for both of you. The non-verbal communication that happens with touch can infidelity proof your marriage in a way that more intellectual efforts cannot.

Knowing ahead of time how to infidelity proof your marriage is an excellent way of setting it up for success.

Much like learning how to drive a car or be successful at work, knowing the rules around a marriage can keep yours healthy and strong.

So, make an effort to talk to your person, open and honestly, to never make assumptions, to work to maintain trust on both sides, to always tell the truth and to use the non-verbal communication of touch to let your partner know how you feel.

Love is grand. If you have found that special someone to love forever, do what you need to do to keep infidelity proof your marriage and live happily ever after.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Things that Guys Going Through a Break up Need to Do NOW

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Ok, one of the things that isn ‘ t just in the world is that guys going through a break up often have NO idea what to do to get through it and out the other side intact.

I remember my daughter, when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heart broken. I asked her what she told her friend to do. My daughter said ‘ Go eat ice cream. ‘ This from my daughter who had never had a broken heart herself.

The same thing happened with my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That ‘ s it.

Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process break ups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Men, unfortunately, don ‘ t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how, to process their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.

Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a break up can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.

#1 – Feel the pain.

I can ‘ t tell you how many songs I have heard over the years about men who are going through a break up and how they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.

‘ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ‘ is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.

Let me tell you that, while getting under someone else will make you feel better in the moment, really, it ‘ s just a short term fix. Women and whisky will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term but the morning after will be harsh. Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, you will most likely feel worse!

It is important that, if you are going through a break up and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable, and even scary, but it is important that you let it in, feel it and let it go. If you stuff it down it will just get stuck in your body and you will spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren ‘ t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.

I know that the prospect seems scary but, truly, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while it feels horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb and, with treatment, you will get past it. How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Do you still have pain? I am guessing not.

So, for guys going through a break up, know that the pain might be uncomfortable but know that, if you feel it instead of bury it, it will pass.

#2 – Be decisive.

So, you have just broken up with your person or they have broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? Horny?

If you are feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.

What often happens after a break up is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with and the break up creates a void in which you are alone. What also happens is that we are left with more time on our hands and we get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, we might get horny and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.

And, when you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you TRULY want to reunite with them, you will just create more of a mess than already exists. Instead of the clean break that you had, you will get on this cycle of more talks and recriminations and pain.

So, if you are tempted to reach out to your person for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don ‘ t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.

#3 – Take responsibility.

What many of us do when we are in pain is we look to blame someone else. Especially if we know we are wrong, human beings have a hard time taking a good hard look at themselves and truly accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship.

Now I am not saying that you need to take all of the responsibility for the break down of the relationship but I would encourage you to take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.

Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short tempered with her when she interrupted a game? Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end of it all?

It is important to take stock of your role in a break up so that you can learn from it and not do it again. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to bring about change.

If you don ‘ t, you will be destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.

#4 – Open up.

This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a break up to do. What I am going to ask you to do next is find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.

Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside, that sharing their emotions might make them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to keep bottled up, where they never sees the light of day and where they can tend to fester and rot.

When we are struggling with breakups, it ‘ s important that we find one person we can process what we are going through, one person who can listen to us and share perspectives and help us see what went wrong and what you can do differently going forward.

If you have a friend who can play that role, use him or her. If not, find a life coach (like me!) who can help you process what you are feeling and move on!

#5 – Take your time.

As I stated above, jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And, if you start to have sex with random women it could get even worse.

If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship you will simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure. Not only will you cause more pain for yourself but you will also cause pain to another person, perhaps pain like you are feeing right now.

If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people you will only be using those women as a Band-aid for your broken heart. In reality, you will emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself. And, once again, you will be causing other people pain.

As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, I would encourage you to pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you are feeling sad and lonely and eager to pair up again but know that, if you do it too quickly, you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and to ultimately be left alone.

Guys going through a break up sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights – knowing that they are in danger but having no idea how to get through it.

I believe that men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive after but that many of them struggle with how to get actually do it. If you are a guy, reading this article right now, good for you for looking for guidance in how to heal and move on from your break up.

I would encourage you not push past the pain but to feel it, to decide to stay or go and don ‘ t waver, to take responsibility, to find someone to talk to and to not get into a rebound relationship.

I know that you feel really horrible right now but know that, with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away but you will be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness that you have always longed for!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be wanting to get past your broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

Why Healthy Boundaries In A Marriage May Apply To In-Laws As Well

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Are you newly married and have you and your partner learned about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a marriage? Have you worked hard to identify what your boundaries are and are you determined to respect them so that your marriage is successful?

Good for you.

What many people don ‘ t know is that it can be very important to, from the get go, set boundaries for your in-laws as well. Why? Because your in-laws will be a part of your lives for a long time and your relationship with them could have a huge effect on your marriage.

Let me tell you why boundaries with your in-laws can make your marriage stronger.

#1 – Setting boundaries will create clarity.

While now that you are married you have created the beginning of a new family, for all of the previous years of your life you have been a member of your original family.

Things that formed this original family – holiday traditions, gender roles, financial considerations etc – were the foundation upon which that family existed.

Now that you are married, those things, those things that lay the foundation for your original family, might not exist in the new family.

I know when I was married, my husband ‘ s family had always lived close to each other and, as a result, they spent a lot of time together, particularly around birthdays and holidays. My family had always been more spread out and our time together was somewhat limited and we lived more independently of each other.

I was hoping that our new family could live in a way that was more aligned with my original family. My ex wanted to spend holiday times with his family. And his family expected it too.

In retrospect, I believe that if we had set boundaries early on, boundaries with both of our families about how we were going to spend birthdays and holidays, instead of having to have conflict around them every time one arose, then we would have saved ourselves a lot of conflict, conflict that was part of the erosion of our marriage.

So, setting boundaries early on with your in-laws allows everyone to know what to expect going forward so that conflicts and hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum.

#2 – The new relationship must take precedence.

One of the most important reasons that healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well is because the marriage of two people creates a new family.

This new family is new and untested and needs its own time to develop into what it is going to be.

It is of the utmost importance that this new family take precedence, that the wants and needs of this new couple are taken into consideration above the wants and needs of the original family.

This is not to say that the original family should be shunned but that the wants and needs of the new family are discussed first. Once that discussion has been had, the new family can make a decision, together, about how they are going to proceed.

For my ex and I, we never truly made a decision about what was important for our family. Every time a family conflict arose we punted it to the next holiday. If we had only made a conscious decision, for ourselves and OUR family, then we both would have been happier and there would have been less conflict.

#3 – Everyone needs to know what expectations are.

Unmet expectations are the number one thing that can cause problems in any relationship. And, unfortunately, no one usually knows what those expectations are. This isn ‘ t done maliciously – it just never comes up, not until someone gets hurt.

If you can set expectations early on with your in-laws you can prevent hurt feelings on both sides. In the example of my ex and I, perhaps if we had clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship what it was that we expected around the birthdays and holidays, if we had engaged in a discussion with our in-laws about what we all wanted, then a whole bunch of conflict would have been avoided.

Instead, we just assumed that it was a command performance at holidays and birthdays and we showed up accordingly, often crabby because we had fought about it the whole car drive over.

#4 – Relationships can be maintained.

One of my biggest regrets of my marriage is that we weren ‘ t able to set boundaries and manage expectations with our families. If we had, some important relationships would have been healthier.

As I have said before, my ex and I often ended up butting heads when we were put in the position of meeting extended family obligations that we didn ‘ t necessarily want to engage in. That was very damaging for our marriage.

Furthermore, our relationship with our in-laws suffered as well because there was often conflict about how we engaged with them. We weren ‘ t always honest, in an attempt to not upset them, but they often knew. And my ex and I, usually crabby, weren ‘ t always fun to have around.

So, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to set boundaries to preserve those good feelings.

#5 – You will be prepared with the kids arrive.

Ah yes, babies. Aren ‘ t they wonderful? Adorable little creatures that arrive and totally turn our lives into chaos.

And, yes, grandparents. The adults in our lives who raised us, sometimes in ways that we wished that we hadn ‘ t been raised. And they want a say in how your new family is going to be raised as well.

If you have set and practiced healthy boundaries with your in-laws, when the babies come you will be able to discuss with them what kind of boundaries you need around the kids. You can work together to define how they will be involved with the children – will you need them for child care, will they be part of managing discipline, do they understand how important the car seat is, etc.

The grandparent relationship, I believe, is a key one in the lives of our children. I know that my relationship with my grandmother was one of the best, most nurturing, of my life. I know that my mother ‘ s relationship with her mother wasn ‘ t always a healthy one and if they had set boundaries then a lot of silent dinners might have been avoided. I know that I wish they had been.

So, set up and practice boundaries now so that, when the kids are born, both sides are well practiced in the art of managing expectations and avoiding conflict.

Now you know why healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well.

Marriage is long and hard (and wonderful) and for the length of your marriage your in-laws will be a part of it.

It ‘ s important to set the boundaries right away so that you can maintain a good relationship with them. The boundaries need not be set in stone – as relationships develop, needs can change – but it is important that the discussion be had and expectations are clear.

I know it might be difficult, for all parties involved, to have the discussion but know that, in the long run, it will have been worth it.

Are you wondering how to stop fighting with your partner?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do so that you can be happy!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

What Type of Person Gets What They Want Every Time?

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It ‘ s a new year and with every new year comes a desire to do things differently, to work to change our behavior to change outcomes.

A lot of my clients have expressed the need to speak up for themselves more, to ask for what they want and not let others lead the way. But many of them don ‘ t know if they have it in them to do so.

With that in mind, I have compiled a list of what type of person gets what they want every time. Of course, not everyone has all of these traits and there are other traits that I don’t mention that assertive people have but these 5 are the most common, in my experience.

#1 – Self Aware

A key part of getting what is knowing what you want.

How can you speak up for yourself if you aren ‘ t clear on what it is that you need in the moment?

Imagine yourself at Starbucks. You know you want that Iced Caramel Macchiato. It ‘ s your drink. And then you get a hot one. Do you suck it up and take the drink because you don ‘ t want to be a bother or do you speak up because you really want it iced? I am guessing you will speak up because you know exactly what coffee drink you like and it ‘ s important to your day that you have it.

It ‘ s the same in life and in relationships, especially. If you know that you are unhappy about something, ask yourself why you are unhappy. If you were in charge of the world, what you would you change about that thing so that you could be happy?

Once you know what that thing would be then you can ask for it clearly. Like your favorite iced beverage!

#2 – Self Confident

An important part of being the type of person who gets what they want is having the self-confidence to believe that you are worthy of what you want.

For many of us, we don ‘ t believe that we are worthy. We are hesitant to ask for what we want because we believe that we should settle for what we get because we don ‘ t deserve more.

Imagine that you know what you want, that you have defined it precisely. And then picture yourself asking for it? How does that feel in your body? Does it feel good or do you have a big pit in your stomach?

Ask yourself what that pit means. Does it mean that you feel like you don ‘ t deserve what you want? Does the idea of asking for it fill you with dread?A key part of getting what we want is believing that what we want is ok – that we are worthy of asking and worthy of being happy.

#3 – Honest

The type of person who gets what they want is someone who is honest.

Going back to coffee analogy, if you don ‘ t speak up for the drink you want you aren ‘ t being honest, with your barista or yourself.

Think about when you want your husband to stay home and he wants to go out and you don ‘ t speak up and out he goes. How do you feel then? Do you stay home, stewing, angry at yourself for not speaking your truth and angry at him for not recognizing (without being told) what you want.

It is important that, if you want to be assertive, that you are honest with whomever you are dealing with. People can ‘ t read minds and if you want something you have to tell them.

#4 – Open

People who get what they want are people who are open, open to what they want and open to listening to what other people want as well.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t want him to, be open to what he wants as well as what you want.

Tell him that you would prefer he stay home but ask him why it ‘ s so important to go out. He could very well have a good reason, a reason that you can accept and be okay with and then you can spend the night not stewing about why he left.

If you aren ‘ t willing to listen, if it ‘ s your way or the highway, then being assertive will get you nowhere and will offend people. There are two people in every transaction and both of them have needs that need to be met. Compromise is, of course, an option but you can ‘ t compromise without information.

#5 – Composed

A really big part getting what you want is being able to ask for what you want calmly and clearly.

If your husband wants to go out and you don ‘ t, do you think you are more likely to get an outcome that makes you happy if you yell at your guy instead of speaking up calmly about what you want. Would you be willing to work on making someone else happy if they yelled at you?

It is important that, when we are being assertive, we pause and take a deep breath before we speak. That we think about what we want to say and say it in a way that the words will land on the other person. If we do so, we can get what we want.

I know that you are thinking about that person you know who always yells and gets what he wants. Let me ask you – do you like that person? Does anyone like that person? I am guessing not. His loud words get him what he wants but he offends people every time.

Knowing what type of person gets what they want are is the key to being happier in your life.

People who meekly going about their day, taking what others give them without a peep, killing their self confidence in the process, are people who will ultimately find themselves living a life that doesn ‘ t make them happy.

People who know what they want, who can self-confidently express with honesty and clarity what they want, are people who are happy with what they have and happy to share what they have with others.

Imagine feeling that way. You can do it! Work to cultivate the personality traits on my list and you live the life that you have always wanted.

Are you wondering what type of person gets what they want every time?
Let me help, NOW, and so you can start getting what you want from life!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Important Things to Know About Someone Before You Start Dating Them

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Did you know that there are important things to know about someone before you start dating them that will set you up for relationship success?

I know that it seems very practical and unromantic but knowing some key things is the way to finding lasting happiness.

We all go into our first dates hoping for the best. Hoping that this will be the ONE who will end our lonely days forever.

And with that hope comes an eagerness to get to know someone but it also comes with a reluctance to ask questions.

Why? Because we often don ‘ t want to know the answers.

It ‘ s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time developing a relationship. Without knowing the facts, you could miss some serious red flags and waste a HUGE amount of time in your search for the ONE.

And we don ‘ t want that.

#1 – Are they married?

Seriously? You need to ask that question and get a straight answer? The answer is a resounding YES!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages and some of them just want to fool around. Either way you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married person. Being involved with a married person brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find the ONE, no matter what he tells you.

And that is the goal right? Finding the ONE?

#2 – How long have they been single?

Once you know they are single, it ‘ s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend that you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular break ups do not and the recovery period is longer. A newly divorced person just won ‘ t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage break up that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship. You do NOT want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a period of time, not just because they have had time to recover from a break up but because it ‘ s more likely that they are no longer attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else, do they?

#3 – Are they employed?

One of the first questions we ask when we meet anyone is ‘ What do you do? ‘ It ‘ s what Americans do. And it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question is ‘ Are you currently working? ‘

The reasons you want to know the answer to this question? Because you want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure.

Financial security is obvious. No one wants to get involved with someone who can ‘ t carry his or her weight financially. The emotional security is a tougher one.

People who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally. They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs. All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self-esteem.

Insecurity and low self-esteem are not things that lend themselves well to a healthy relationship. And DON ‘ T think that you can fix them because you can ‘ t.

So, ask not only ‘ What do you do ‘ but ‘ Where do you do it? ‘

#4 – Do they get along with their family?

Really? Knowing how someone gets along with his or her family is important?

The family is the fundamental relationship of someone ‘ s life and how they interact with that family is important to know.

If your date talks about the close relationship he has with his siblings and that his mother drives him nuts but that he talks to her every Sunday then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who he hasn ‘ t seen in years then it is possible the deep emotional connection might be more difficult for him. Why? Because the basic human connection that we make as children influences who we are as grown ups. And someone who has a rough relationship with his family could be tough to truly connect with.

So, ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

#5 – Do they have kids?

This one is SO important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, THE priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that ‘ s okay with you. Maybe you have kids too and understand the priorities. Or maybe you are willing to make his kids your priority as well.

But maybe it ‘ s not. Maybe you want to always be first or maybe you just aren ‘ t ready to have kids. And that ‘ s okay.

So, ask the question. Because kids will always come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

Dating is time consuming and emotionally fraught and really you don ‘ t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises any red flags at all. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

Make an effort to find out the important things to know about someone before you start dating them. Are they married, do they have a job, do they have kids, do they like their family? These are all things you need to know!

Ask the questions. Get your answers early. Get your answers so you can decide to fish or cut bait right away. Because there are other fish in the sea. Fish who might be better for you. And tastier.

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