7 Key Parts of Learning How to Say “No” to Family Without Feeling Guilty

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I can’t tell you how many of my clients really struggle with saying no to their family. After all, years of conditioning about the importance of being a contributing member of a family can make not going with the flow very difficult. And not going with the flow can lead to some serious guilt, guilt that, over time, can lead to resentment.

I know that the number one reason that I ended up divorced was because of my ex-husband’s inability to say no to his family. This led to countless fights which led to a tremendous amount of resentment which, ultimately, tore us apart.

Its important to know that saying no, that setting boundaries, with your family is okay! The key is knowing how to do so effectively, in a way that everyone feels good about.

Let me share a few key ways to do just that!

#1 – Identify Why The “No” Makes You Feel Guilty

If you want to say no without feeling guilty, the first step is figuring out where that guilt comes from. While some might say that it can be rooted in the belief that your value is tied to how much you do for others, I believe that a big part of it comes from years of conditioning, conditioning that can be hard to undo.

Many of us grow up hearing messages like “family always comes first,” which can make saying no feel selfish or wrong. This might be because of a personality trait called sociotropy, which prioritizes keeping the peace in relationships; turning someone down might feel like you’re risking the relationship itself. You might feel like your family’s happiness depends entirely on your willingness to help, even if it leaves you drained.

To get a clearer picture of how this manifests for you, consider the last few times that you have been put in this position. Perhaps just this last Thanksgiving or Christmas – or maybe a birthday. Write down what you were asked to do and then why you said yes. Was it because you feared disappointing them or were you perhaps worried they would judge you? Maybe you felt like you just weren’t allowed to say no?

Taking stock of the “whys” behind your inability to say no might help you understand why you do it – and awareness is the key to change.

#2 – Use The Guilt For Good

Once you have figured out the “whys,” its time to look at the guilt itself.

Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein talks to how guilt can actually be a good thing.

Guilt can also signal that you’re stepping out of people-pleasing habits and into healthier boundaries.

The key to making change is shifting the mindset. Guilt doesn’t always have to be a bad thing – it can help you identify in what instances you feel guilty and that will help you make change. Physical signs like a tight chest or a knot in your stomach when you are struggling with a yes or no can actually help you pinpoint where you need to set limits.

Try this: Imagine saying yes to something you’d rather decline. Do you feel tension or frustration bubbling up? That’s your body’s way of telling you to say no. Now imagine having said no and the whole situation being done with. Does that ease any of that tension?

Remember, a little guilt now can save you from resentment later, resentment that can quietly erode relationships over time. When you view guilt as a signal for change instead of a sign you’re doing something wrong, you empower yourself to make better choices, choices for work for you!

#3 – Identify Your Priorities

Once you’ve pinpointed the source of your guilt, and how to use it for good, the next step is clarifying your priorities and building the confidence to stand by them.

Understanding your priorities is key; doing so helps you make healthier choices that align with what truly matters to you. [6]

Prioritizing your needs is the key to taking care of yourself. If you always prioritize the needs of others, it can suck the life out of you and make you feel resentful. Remember, you want to do what you can to be your best self so that, when you do spend time with others, you are a person that people want to be with, not someone who is crabby because they are feeling resentful.

For example, if “rest” ranks high on your list but you’re constantly drained by family obligations, it might signal the need to set boundaries. Another helpful tool is to ask yourself questions like, “What exhausts me?” and “What do I need more of?” Doing so will help you identify what you need to do to get the rest you need. Perhaps its a yes to once a month visits, instead of weekly Sunday dinners.

Blocking out time on your calendar – whether for a “hike with the dog” or “reading time” – can make it easier to protect your priorities and say no when necessary. [10] If you already have a firm plan to do something, you have an easy way to get out of something else.

When you’re clear on what’s important to you, saying no feels less like rejecting someone and more like staying true to yourself.

#4 – Express Your Intentions Clearly

One of the questions that I always ask my clients who are struggling with this issue is:  Do you not want to say no because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable doing so?”

Research from Columbia psychologists Francis Flynn and Vanessa Lake reveals that people often say yes to avoid the discomfort of declining a request, even when they don’t want to. While this might feel easier in the moment, it can lead to long-term resentment.

With your priorities in place, its important to express them assertively. Being assertive doesn’t mean being rude – it’s about stating your needs clearly while respecting the other person. [4][9] Use “I” statements to keep the focus on your perspective, such as, “I need to really need some sleep this week before my presentation”  or “I have plans to walk with Sarah that I don’t want to change.”

Keep your explanation short and honest. As Dr. Christine Carter, Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center, explains:

Telling the truth is not the same as sharing more details than are necessary. [8]

Sometimes, a simple “I am so sorry but I just can’t do that” is all you need to say.

And, if your family won’t take no for an answer, try the Broken Record technique – repeat your polite refusal using the same words until your message is understood.

#5 – Be Kind and Confident When Saying No

A key part of successfully saying no to family members is doing so in a way that respects both your own boundaries and your relationships with others.

Make sure to be kind. Start with warmth to set a neutral and positive tone. Clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explains:

If we signal that this is no big deal, and we’d like to help but can’t, that sets the tone for a more neutral interaction. [12]

Your body language can reinforce this message – smile, lean in slightly, or even offer a hug. These gestures show that you’re declining the request, not rejecting the person.] This helps family members understand that your refusal isn’t personal; it’s about what you’re able to do right now.

Using “I” statements is key to keeping the focus on your needs without placing blame. For instance, say, “I need to focus on my current responsibilities” rather than “You always ask too much.” Keep your explanation short and to the point – over-explaining only weakens your message and opens the door for negotiation. [11][4][8]

Also, frame your boundary as a matter-of-fact statement. Try phrases like, “This is what works for me.” Adopt a neutral tone – think of it like talking to a very understanding and flexible friend. Your body language can also reinforce your message: maintain eye contact and a confident posture, or use a smile or hug to show you’re rejecting the request, not the person. [12]

Another way to soften the blow is by providing an alternative. Doing so shows that you care, even if you can’t meet the original request. For example, if you can’t commit to an overnight visit, you might say, “I can join you for the afternoon instead.” [11][6]

Be specific when you offer alternatives. Vague replies like “We’ll try to stop by” can lead to misunderstandings. Instead, say something like, “We’ll be there from 2:00 to 4:00 p.m.” If you anticipate recurring requests – especially around holidays or family events – set your boundaries in advance to give everyone time to adjust. [6]

#6 – Be Prepared For The Reaction

Once you’ve have figured how to stand up for yourself clearly, it’s time to prepare yourself for how others might react.

You know your family member. Will they react badly or will they just be disappointed? It’s important to keep this in mind. People often overestimate how negatively others will judge their refusal.  In reality, most people respect those who set clear boundaries. [10][7] That being said, if you know that your family member will react badly, be prepared to stay calm and do what you can do to calm the situation, without giving in.

If you see that your family member feels disappointed, no matter who they react, acknowledge their emotions with a statement like, “I understand this matters to you, but I need to prioritize my own needs.”  Jen Lumanlan, M.S., M.Ed., offers a helpful reminder:

Your experience of guilt doesn’t mean their disappointment is your responsibility to fix. [6]

#7 – Push Back On The Guilt After You Say No

Even after you’ve confidently said no, that nagging guilt can still hang around. It’s important to remind yourself that feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Saying no is about protecting your well-being, and that’s not selfish – it’s necessary. The trick is learning to handle this guilt with kindness toward yourself.

Feeling guilty after setting a boundary is pretty normal, but self-compassion can help ease that discomfort.  Think of it like the soreness you feel after a workout – it’s a sign that you’re growing stronger and healthier in the long run. [15]

When guilt sneaks in, try writing down the guilty thought, like “I’m being selfish.” Then list evidence that challenges it, such as “I need rest to be a better parent tomorrow.” Finally, replace it with a more balanced truth like, “I have the right to prioritize my needs” or “Saying no helps me show up fully for what matters most.” [5][14] These small practices not only ease guilt but also build your confidence in maintaining healthy boundaries.

Once you’ve shown yourself some compassion, shift your focus to the positive outcomes of setting boundaries. These limits protect your energy, reinforce your self-respect, and allow you to be more present with your loved ones. By respecting your limits, you avoid the burnout and resentment that often come from overcommitting. [2][15]

Kendall Carriere, a relationship therapist, explains it perfectly:

Boundaries are not walls. They’re doors you open and close intentionally – protecting both your energy and your relationships [14].

 

Once your no has been set firmly in place, take a moment to notice the benefits – whether its being proud of yourself for setting your boundaries, whether it’s extra rest, improved self-esteem, or a more honest relationship. By safeguarding your energy, you’re also nurturing deeper, more respectful connections with yourself and with the people in your life.

Learning how to say “no” can actually improve your relationships.

It might be hard to believe but saying no creates healthier and more respectful family dynamics. After all, the truth is always better than a lie when it comes to human relationships.

By setting clear limits, know that you’re not shutting people out. Instead, you’re creating a framework that allows everyone to interact with greater safety and respect. You are taking care of yourself which will, ultimately, be the best thing for you, and for your family.

Should I Stay or Leave? 5 Key Questions

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When you’re unsure about your relationship, it can feel overwhelming. This article breaks down five key questions to help you decide whether to stay or leave your partnership. Here’s a quick summary:

  1. Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?
    Evaluate if your emotional, physical, and mental needs are fulfilled. Unmet needs can lead to disconnection and dissatisfaction.
  2. Do You Feel Safe and Respected?
    Safety and respect are non-negotiable. Look for signs of emotional or physical harm, manipulation, or disrespect.
  3. Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?
    Assess if your life goals, values, and future plans align. Misalignment can cause tension and long-term challenges.
  4. What Is Your Gut Feeling?
    Trust your intuition. Distinguish between fear-driven anxiety and a calm, instinctive sense about your relationship.
  5. Are You Ready to Make a Change?
    If issues persist despite efforts to address them, consider whether you’re prepared – emotionally and practically – to take action.

Reflecting on these questions can provide clarity and guide your next steps, whether that means working on the relationship or moving forward separately.

#1 – Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?

The foundation of any healthy relationship lies in meeting your emotional, physical, and mental needs. When these core needs go unmet, it can leave you feeling drained or disconnected from your partner. Recognizing what you truly need – and whether those needs are being fulfilled – can help you make thoughtful decisions about the future of your relationship.

Emotional needs are not optional; they’re essential for a thriving partnership. Without them, even the most supportive relationships can falter. These needs aren’t extravagant or unreasonable – they’re fundamental to your happiness and well-being.

Some of the key emotional needs include feeling safe and secure, experiencing intimacy and connection, being appreciated, and sharing moments of joy. According to Schema Therapy, five core emotional needs are critical: safety, autonomy and identity while maintaining independence, freedom to express emotions without fear, spontaneity, and clearly defined boundaries [3].

Your love language also plays a big part in whether your needs are being met. Whether you value words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or gifts, it’s important that your partner makes a genuine effort to connect with you in ways that resonate. If your love language is ignored, it can leave you feeling emotionally unfulfilled [2][4][5].

"No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected." – Beverly Engel, Author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship [5]

#2 – Do You Feel Safe and Respected?

Safety and respect are cornerstones of any healthy relationship. If you ever feel unsafe or disrespected, it’s a clear signal that something isn’t right. While emotional needs can often be addressed through open communication and mutual effort, issues of safety and respect demand immediate attention. These are non-negotiable aspects of your well-being, and evaluating them can help you determine whether your relationship is truly nurturing or harmful.

Feeling safe goes beyond physical security. It includes emotional safety – being able to express yourself without fear of retaliation, manipulation, or verbal attacks. Respect means being treated as an equal, having your boundaries honored, and receiving basic dignity. Without these, even the strongest love or best intentions cannot compensate for the harm being caused.

Harmful behaviors often begin subtly, like offhand criticisms or controlling remarks, but they can grow into emotional abuse or intimidation over time. It’s common to question whether your concerns are valid or if you’re overreacting. Trust your instincts – if something feels off, it likely is. Let’s take a closer look at how harmful behaviors can show up in relationships.

Recognizing harmful behaviors can be tricky, especially when they’re disguised as care or concern. Here are some common red flags to watch for include controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, verbal or emotional abuse, financial control and physical intimidation.

It’s important to look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. Everyone has bad days, but consistent disrespect or controlling behavior signals deeper issues that won’t resolve on their own.

#3 – Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?

One of the strongest indicators of a relationship’s long-term potential is alignment – not just in your feelings for each other, but in your life goals and core values. While emotional connection and security are key, shared goals for the future can provide the stability a relationship needs to thrive. You might love someone deeply, but if your paths are heading in opposite directions, love alone may not be enough to sustain the partnership.

This goes beyond surface-level compatibility. It’s about asking whether you’re both committed to personal growth, whether your life ambitions complement each other, and whether you share a common vision for the future. When life goals clash, it can lead to tension, resentment, and the kind of compromises that feel more like sacrifices.

One of my clients was questioning whether her guy was the guy for her. They got along well – they rarely argued and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. But while she was focused on advancing her career and starting a family, her partner was content with his current job and had no interest in children. Neither of them was wrong, but their differing life directions created a disconnect. Over time, the relationship felt stagnant because their visions for the future didn’t align.

So, how do you evaluate whether your paths are truly in sync?

Start by taking an honest look at where you and your partner see yourselves in the next five to ten years. Are your visions complementary, or are they pulling you in different directions?

Think about key areas like children, career, finances, and where you want to live. Are your ambitions aligned? For instance, does one of you dream of climbing the corporate ladder while the other prioritizes work-life balance? Do you have similar financial goals, like saving for a home or planning for retirement? Even geographic preferences matter – if one of you envisions a bustling city life while the other craves the peace of rural living, that’s a difference that needs addressing.

How you communicate about future plans is equally important. Do these conversations lead to productive discussions where both of you feel heard, or do they turn into arguments or avoidance? Healthy relationships involve mutual support and negotiation, not one person constantly compromising.

So take stock of how you both align with the future. It’s an important piece of whether to stay or go.

#4 – What Is Your Gut Feeling?

Ok, so. How many times have you ignored your gut feeling? That inner voice that often picks up on subtle truths that logic might overlook. This is the one voice you should NEVER ignore.

Your gut can sense patterns or inconsistencies that your conscious mind might try to explain away. Maybe it’s that nagging feeling something’s off, or perhaps it’s a deep sense of peace despite minor challenges. Learning to distinguish true intuition from fear is key here.

Take a moment to understand the difference between anxiety and intuition. Anxiety tends to be chaotic, driven by fear, and filled with "what ifs." Intuition, on the other hand, feels calm and grounded, even if the message it delivers is hard to accept. It’s that quiet thought that says, “This isn’t right,” or “This feels like the right path,” without needing a long list of reasons to back it up.

People often dismiss their gut feelings, especially when they clash with logic. For instance, you might think, “My partner is kind, stable, and checks all the boxes, so why do I feel uneasy?” Or, “We have challenges, but something inside tells me we’ll make it through.” Both scenarios are worth exploring because your intuition is worth listening to. The real challenge lies in interpreting these feelings accurately.

It is important that you pay attention to your gut. Journaling can help so that you can spot patterns in where you gut says pay attention! Talk to a friend – they can often give you a honest assessment, something that you might not see. Try the coin flip test. Assign one outcome to heads (e.g., staying) and another to tails (e.g., leaving). Flip the coin, and in that moment while it’s in the air, notice which result you’re hoping for. That instant reaction often reflects your true feelings, regardless of how the coin lands.

Practice listening to your gut! It will help you every time!

#5 – Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Once you’ve tuned into your gut feelings, the next step is figuring out if you’re ready to act on them. Intuition doesn’t just inform – it often nudges you toward action. But readiness involves both emotional and practical preparation.

Ask yourself, “If nothing improves, would I be ready to leave within the next six months?” If the answer is no, you might need more time to build confidence and resources.

Making change is HARD. Feeling prepared makes making that change easier. Before you leave, make sure that you have a few practical things in place.

  • Support system: Do you have friends, family, or professional support to lean on if you decide to leave? Ending a relationship can be emotionally tough, and having people in your corner can make all the difference.
  • Financial independence: If you live together or share expenses, consider whether you can maintain your lifestyle on your own. Do you need time to save money or separate your finances?
  • Living situation: If you share a home, think about alternative housing options. Would you need to move out, or could your partner? While these logistics don’t dictate your decision, they do affect your timeline.
  • Emotional readiness: Are you prepared for the grief and uncertainty that often come with ending a relationship? Even when it’s the right choice, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. There’s no shame in giving yourself time to build the emotional strength needed to move forward.

Finally, think about whether you’re staying because of true connection or fear of change. It’s natural to worry about being alone, starting over, or hurting your partner, but these fears aren’t a solid foundation for staying in a relationship. Similarly, staying out of comfort or convenience doesn’t serve either of you in the long run.

When your instincts and practical considerations align, you’ll be better equipped to make a confident decision about your next steps.

Conclusion: Taking Action with Confidence

Hopefully, thinking about the answers to these questions will provide the clarity you need to take the next step. Whether you choose to stay and rebuild or decide to leave and start anew, this clarity becomes the foundation for your journey forward.

Armed with these insights, your next move should be intentional and actionable. Making a decision about your relationship isn’t just about reaching a conclusion – it’s about finding the courage and support to follow through. Deciding is just the beginning; what truly matters is how you act on it.

If your choice is to work on the relationship, consider setting a three- to six-month timeline with specific, measurable actions to guide your progress. Regular check-ins can help keep you on track and ensure that momentum is maintained. Individual counseling can help build confidence, while couples therapy provides tools to improve communication if you’re working to stay together.

For those choosing to leave, remember that ending a relationship is rarely a single event – it’s a process. You may need time to sort out finances, housing, or emotional support before taking that step. Plan your exit thoughtfully and avoid rushing into decisions.

Seeking professional guidance can make this transition smoother. A life coach, like me, can help you moving forward Whether you’re grappling with a tough relationship decision, rebuilding after heartbreak, or seeking the confidence to pursue the love you deserve, professional coaching can provide the guidance and strategies you need to move forward.

Making your decision is not the end – it’s the start of a new chapter. When you’re ready, take deliberate steps to plan your future with the support you need. You don’t have to navigate this alone. This final step brings together your inner clarity and external resources, completing your journey toward self-discovery.

Ultimately, your relationship decision is about honoring who you are and creating space for joy in your life. Trust the work you’ve done, listen to your instincts, and take that first confident step toward the life you’ve been envisioning. This is your moment to embrace happiness and live happily ever after.

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

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9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

What Makes a Power Couple? 5 Ways to Know So You Can Be One Too

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Every couple I know would like to know what makes a power couple.

We look at celebrity couples like Michelle and Barack Obama, , Beyonce and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry, and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (to name a few) and want more than anything for our relationship to be like theirs.

We want love, stability, success, commitment, and power.

We want to be a couple that we can be proud of and one that everyone else admires.

We want a relationship that will withstand time and overcome all obstacles.

Namely, we want to be part of a power couple!

Would you like to know what makes a power couple?

Learn the traits that make a power couple a power couple so that you and your partner can strive to be everything that you want to be?

Let me share them with you now so you can move forward deliberately and make it happen.

#1 – They prioritize each other.

One of the most important traits that make a powerful couple is prioritizing each other.

In this crazy world, with work, kids, families, and life all getting in the way, its easy for couples to lose sight of each other.

Power couples, especially, are busy conquering the world, and instead of letting their work get in the way of their relationship, they make it a part of their success story.

Take Megan and Harry, for example. When they got married, from day one, they struggled. The Royal Family, the media, and much of the country seemed to be betting against them.

Harry was used to this way of royal lifee he had lived it all of his life. And royal life had been the only thing that he had known. While he struggled with it sometimes, he was devoted to his family and country. Until that is, they started messing with his wife.

As we all know, Harry chose Megan. When he noticed that she was struggling, he stood up for her and turned away from everything he had ever known so that she would be safe and their relationship intact.

Now, look at them safely ensconced in Santa Barbara, raising a family in a healthy way and taking on the world. He prioritized her. She trusted him. Now they are living happily ever after.

So, if you want to know what makes a power couple, prioritization is key!

#2 – They don’t take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, many relationships fall apart because couples take each other for granted.

They assume their person will always be there for them until they are suddenly not.

When I was married, we were a bit of a power couple. My ex-husband had a high-level job at a world-known company. I was on fire as a real estate agent. We traveled the world, lived in Tokyo and did things other people only dreamed about doing.

I can’t tell you how many times someone told me that they wished they had the life that we had.

And we did have a good life. But, as life went on, we took each other for granted.

We were both so busy that we never made time for each other. We sometimes treated each other disrespectfully because we assumed we would always be there. We stopped putting our relationship first.

As a result, we gradually grew apart. As we did, our power faded. Not being so well connected as a couple sapped the energy out of our relationship, leaving us just another couple, soon to be divorced.

If you want to be part of a powerful couple, never take each other for granted.

#3 – “ No topic is off-limits.

In literally every pursuit in the world, communication is the key to its success in every pursuit in the world. Having an open dialogue about what is going on around us is how we make a change and move forward.

And when communication falters, so does success.

Imagine two high-level executives at a Fortune 500 company. Imagine if, as they made plans for their business to grow and flourish, they could not talk about it.

Imagine if they found that if they tried to share their goals, the others would only mock them.

Imagine if they hid things from each other, trying to protect the other.

Can you imagine these executives not running this company into the ground because they couldn’t talk about important things?

So it is with a power couple.

A powerful couple can talk about anything and everything. They will be able to talk and know that they will be heard. They will be willing to truly listen and not just think about what they will say next. They will work together through issues. They will be able to resolve things and move forward decisively.

Can you and your partner communicate about everything? Do voices sometimes get raised, but are you generally able to work through things and move on, never holding grudges or being passive-aggressive?

If the answer to this question is yes, you could be part of a power couple!

#4- They share the same goals.

Every power couple shares the same goals and works together to reach them.

I am not saying they need to have the same goals, but they do need complementary goals like reaching a certain career benchmark or wanting to accomplish something big. Or raising a healthy, stable family.

What can’t happen is one of them sitting quietly on the sidelines, watching the other person have all of the successes.

Back to Megan and Harry. They seem to have very complementary goals.

They are both activists who travel the world, making a difference.

They are parents who prioritize the mental health of their kids.

They strive to be financially independent.

They want to live their own lives.

And they do these things.

While I know they are activists for different causes, they both support and believe in each other’s work. They work side by side, teaching their children to be strong despite their difficult childhoods. They are living the way they want to live and doing an excellent job of working together to be financially independent.

Do you and your partner share similar goals? Do you support each other with those goals and stand beside each other every step of the way?

If yes, then you and your person are most likely a power couple, one that might even change the world.

#5 – They give each other space.

In every couple, there are two people. Two distinct people had separate lives before they came together as one.

Unfortunately, when couples form, sometimes their individuality disappears, and they become less of who they are as a person. They are not worse people, but they might lose touch with themselves.

Giving each other space and letting each other be individuals is one of the key traits that make a power couple!

I remember when Barack Obama was president. Watching him and Michelle navigate their lives in the White House was fascinating.

They were both important people with big jobs, taking care of the country and advocating for better lives for everyone. We often saw them with their children or on a date, a truly happy couple who enjoyed being together.

What I remember even more is the freedom they gave each other. Michelle used to travel the country, following her passions. She took her kids on trips to places she wanted to share with them. He was able to escape the Oval Office to play golf or basketball.

They gave each other space to be who they were as individuals. And that made them a power couple.

Power couples can use up a lot of energy when they are in the same room. Giving each other the freedom to go off on their own to recharge their batteries only makes them stronger when they get back together.

I hope after reading this article you know understand more about what makes a power couple.

Today, Barack and Michelle Obama have one of the most respected relationships in the world and that’s not because they are glued to each other’s sides daily.

Being like Beyonce and Jay Z or Ben and Jennifer might not be what you want for your relationship. It does seem like a lot of work to be them.

But, even if you want a simple life, you can still be a powerful couple. You can still prioritize each other every day. You can never take each other for granted. You can listen and know you will be heard. You can share the same goals for your future and give each other space.

Doing so will make you the power couple in your family and community. You can bring positivity everywhere and make a big difference in your little universe.

And as a result, your relationship will stay strong and you, too, can get the happily ever after you have always wanted!

5 Things I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Marriage

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There are so many things I wish my mother had told me about marriage before I walked down the aisle.

After all, she had been through it and had had a hellacious time. She got married at 25, had me and then my brother and sister, and was divorced by 39.

I was the oldest and I watched my parent’s marriage fall apart but I truly never understood what had happened to them.

Now here I am, divorced and contemplating another marriage. But, unlike the first time, I am not new at marriage. I have experience and wisdom and know what I need to do differently to make this marriage work.

No one hands us a manual when we get married so it ‘ s important that the information is passed down generationally. To that end, here are 5 things I wish my mother had told me about marriage that I know today. Let me share them with you so that you go into your marriage with your eyes wide open.

#1 – Make it about love, not about timing.

I always tell my daughter that when she wants to get married, we will throw her a party and buy her an amazing dress. After the party, if she still wants to get married, I will give her my blessing.

I got married when I was 28. My ex and I had been together for 5 years and we were happy. We knew each other well, shared the same hobbies and had just moved from San Francisco to Maine. All of our friends were getting married and having babies and so we decided it was time to do the same.

He proposed and I accepted and naively believed that we could love each other forever, even if I wasn ‘ t madly in love with him. We had a really fun wedding and a great honeymoon. It was all lovely.

18 years later, our marriage was in tatters. We were still friends, excellent parents and good business partners, but our marriage was DOA. I talked to my therapist about it and he said that, for people who aren ‘ t madly in love when they marry, bringing a marriage back from the dead is very hard to do.

I do believe that there is more to successful marriage than just love. Love is an important part of it but so is respect, trust and kindness. For a marriage to stay healthy as the years go on, it is important to maintain the love amid the craziness of the world around us.

So, before you walk down the aisle, make sure it ‘ s not about timing, not because you have always wanted to get married by 30 and have kids by 32. Instead do it because the person you are going to marry rocks your world.

#2 – Don ‘ t be passive aggressive.

One thing that I REALLY wish my mom had told me about marriage was the importance of not being passive aggressive. The importance of being direct about what you are thinking and what you are feeling and what you need, cannot be overstated.

Instead of telling my ex what is it was that I needed, I would make snide comments and belittle him. How good do you think that made him feel?

I know now that one of the reasons I did this was because I really didn ‘ t know what I needed but also because I didn ‘ t have the communication skills that would have allowed me to talk to him. As a result, passive aggressiveness was my number one mode of communication. And it got me absolutely nowhere.

Over the years, this passive aggressive behavior caused a huge rift in our relationship. He would tiptoe around me, trying to figure out what to do so that I wouldn ‘ t snap at him. I know that living with me was hell.

So, as you go into a marriage, I would encourage you to develop communication skills immediately. Being passive aggressive in your marriage will only destroy it.

#3 – Make your husband a priority.

For those of you who are mothers already, I am sure when I say this you say ‘ ˜no way. ‘ And I can appreciate that. My kids always come first.

What I am not saying is that you have to prioritize your husband over the kids. What I am saying is that they need to the next one. Not your job or your mom or your friends – your partner.

My dad always said that he was 6th in our household. That he came behind the kids and the dogs. It wasn ‘ t that way when he got married so it only left him lonely and confused. And I know that it ‘ s one of the reasons that his second wife didn ‘ t get to have any kids – because he wanted to be a priority.

Why is making them a priority important? Because it keeps the relationship strong. Because they know that you have their back and will make time for you and that you can trust them and respect them. It ‘ s way easier to keep a marriage healthy than try to fix it once it ‘ s gone bad.

Ironically, men do often keep their wives as a priority so its on us girls to step up and do the same.

#4 – History repeats itself.

A client of mine had her family torn apart by her father ‘ ˜s infidelity. As she grew up and went through therapy, she realized what a profound effect the infidelity had on her emotional health and she promised herself she would never do that in her marriage.

After 10 years of marriage, she was feeling alone, ignored and not prioritized in her marriage. Along came a man who made her feel alive and heard. And what did she do? She had an affair.

The affair almost killed her. She felt so happy in the moments she was with him but felt so guilty afterwards. She worried that what she was doing would destroy her family – and her affair partner ‘ s family. She felt like she had let herself down by doing the one thing that she swore she would never do.

Why does history repeat itself? Because when we are children, our parents are our life. Whether we want to or not, we watch them and absorb their behaviors, good and bad, and strive to emulate them. We don ‘ t have the cognitive awareness to know any better. By the time we are grownups, those traits have been well established and hard to let go of.

I really wish that one of the things that my mom had told me about marriage was that history does repeat itself. She experienced the same problems her parents did and if she had recognized that and shared it with me, I might have been able to do things differently.

#5 – Marriage is complicated.

I know we all want to fairy tale – that we will live happily ever after with our spouse, in our perfect house with our perfect family. All of our dreams will come true.

Unfortunately, that is just a fairy tale. Marriage is long and hard and very complicated.

What are some of the things that make a marriage complicated?

  1. Extended family
  2. Children
  3. Work
  4. Finances
  5. Goals for the future
  6. Communication skills
  7. Sex
  8. Baggage
  9. Emotional Health
  10. People changing

I would encourage you to take a look at your marriage and see how healthy you are in those certain areas. I know that in my marriage, my husband’s extended family caused a big rift between my ex and I and that our communication skills around it were non-existent.

I always prioritized the kids, he prioritized work and our sex life was dead.

I struggled with depression and he didn ‘ t have the tools to help me.

The lesson here is that marriage is not all about being soulmates and living happily ever after. Marriage is about two people who are joined together for the rest of their lives, in the messy world of babies, extended family, financial considerations, etc.

It is essential for people who are getting married to go in with their eyes wide open, recognizing that marriage is going to be a lot of work and probably not the stuff that we see on TV and in movies.

In retrospect, the things that I wish my mother had told me about marriage were things that she wasn’t even aware that she needed to tell me.

Back in the day, we just didn ‘ t talk about these things. Therapy was pretty much non-existent and couples really struggled with the words to face these realities.

To be fair, my mother probably had NO IDEA that she needed to tell me these things or that she had even experienced them herself.

It ‘ s a different world now. I always tell my kids that they will learn by the example that I have set, and the things that we have talked about, and that their marriages will succeed where mine didn ‘ t.

It can be the same for you. Even if your mother didn ‘ t have the skills to tell you what you needed to hear before your marriage, you know them now and you can implement them and change family patterns and get your fairy tale ending!

You can do this!

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

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There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

How to Let Go of Regrets in the New Year So that You Can Be Happy (2023)

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Are you, like many of us, hoping to let go of regrets in the New Year?

You know the regrets I am talking about – the ones that give you a pit in your stomach when you think about them. The regrets about choices that you did or didn ‘ t make.

Regrets can be hard to live with. Regrets make you think about the way your life could have been if only you had gone a different direction. And, unfortunately, regrets can keep us mired in the past instead of living in the now and seeing the potential of the future.

Learning how to let go of regrets is the best thing that you can do to help build the life you want.

Here are 5 ways to let go of regrets in the New Year so that you can look ahead to the potential of your life instead of being stuck in the past.

#1 – Identify them.

For many of us, we have more than one regret and those regrets are rolling around in our brains, doing nothing but causing us damage.

I am a big believer in getting things out of your head and onto paper. They say that thoughts are 4x more destructive left in your head than they are when they are out in the world. Therefore, I encourage you to sit down with a pad of paper and write out your regrets. It might not be easy but it will be the first step towards letting them go.

A few of my regrets, just for example.

  1. That I didn ‘ t choose running over badminton in 8th grade.
  2. That I didn ‘ t say yes to Shawn Miele when he asked me out to lunch.
  3. That I went to culinary school instead of the hotel management school.
  4. That we moved to Boulder instead of staying in Maine.
  5. That I didn ‘ t address my mood issues sooner.

It ‘ s interesting; writing out that list was harder than I thought. I thought that I had tons of regrets, but actually, it seems that I only have a few. That feels pretty good, actually.

#2 – Don ‘ t kid yourself.

The thing about regrets is that we are always longing for the life we might have lived if we had chosen that road instead of the one we did. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we just know that if we had made a different choice, our life would have been better.

But I don ‘ t think it ‘ s that easy. Yes, if you had chosen a different path your life might have played out differently but that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean it would have been better.

I recently read an excellent book about regrets, The Midnight Library. In it, the protagonist Nora is given a chance to live the many lives that she would have lived if she made a different choice. And yes, some things in her many lives were better, but her life definitely wasn ‘ t perfect.

In one, she was the rock star (a past regret being that she had walked away from her band), but, in that life, her brother had died of a drug overdose. In another, she was married to the man she had regretted walking away from, but, in this life, he was an alcoholic, and their marriage was a shambles. Third, she was a geologist, a career not chosen, but she was in Antarctica when her mother died.

So yes, if we had made the choices that we regret not making, our lives might have been different but perhaps not necessarily better.

I know that while I regretted moving to Boulder because I think it was the reason my marriage fell apart, I also know that, if we hadn ‘ t moved, my daughter wouldn ‘ t have found the high school that changed her life and that we wouldn ‘ t have adopted the dog who helped my son get through college.

Making that choice, I believe, changed the course of my life. While my marriage falling apart was devastating, in the end, it was all good. I have a wonderful life, and my kids are thriving.

So, look at your regrets and recognize that the life you think you might have led had you made that choice is not based on any truth but on a story you have created in your head.

#3 – Ask yourself why?

For many of us, we don ‘ t know why we made the choices that we did.

Did we do it because we were scared or because we were depressed or because others made the choice for us?

I know that for me many of my regrets have to do with a lack of self-esteem born from depression.

I didn ‘ t choose running because, in spite of being told I was excellent by the PE teacher, I didn ‘ t believe that I could do it. I chose culinary school instead of hotel management because my then boyfriend thought that was what I wanted to do. I didn ‘ t take a look at the emotional struggle I had dealt with my whole life because it just felt like too much effort.

The key part of understanding why you made the choices you did it so that, going forward, you don ‘ t make those mistakes again. You don ‘ t make choices that you regret making.

Because a key part of letting go of regrets is looking to the future and the potential that is there for you and reaching out and taking it.

I know that, since I have dealt with my depression, I make my own decisions, and I stick to them. As a result, I very much have the life that I always wanted to have. That life started at 50 years old, but I have a lot of years left, so it ‘ s ok.

#4 – Where are you in your life?

Speaking of where I am in my life, I know that now my regrets are fewer than they were in the past. I believe that it ‘ s because I am happy.

Back in the days when I wasn ‘ t living the life I wanted, when I was a stay-at-home mom with no identity of my own, in an unhappy marriage, struggling with depression and lack of follow-through, I spent a lot more time focused on my regrets.

If only I had made a different choice, my life would have been so much better.

Now, because I am happy, I can look at those regrets and recognize that the choices I made got me to where I am today. Yes, I might have wished I had a degree in hotel management, but I also know that being a life coach and growing my own business has been incredibly satisfying.

Take a look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you think that you focus on regrets because of how unhappy you are in your life? Do you constantly say, ‘ ˜If I had just made that choice instead of this one, my life would be better? ‘

I get it. I do. But what I can tell you is that, while you can ‘ t change the past, you can change the future. Try not to think of yourself as who you could have been by focusing on the past, but instead think of who you can be by seeing the potential for yourself for the future.

Because it never is too late to live the life you want. Again, I didn ‘ t find true happiness until I turned 50 when I made the decision to move to NYC and never look back. I built a life for myself full of love and success, and if I had stayed in the past, mired in my regrets, I never would have gotten there.

#5 – The Many Worlds Theory.

Ok, this one is kind of strange and feel free to skip past it if it ‘ s too much for you, but I just learned about something that I never knew before.

Some scientists who study quantum mechanics believe in the concept of the multiverse, specifically the Many Worlds theory, which posits that there isn ‘ t only this life that exists but that there are a number of other universes, in each of which we are living a different life, different lives based on choices we made.

If you follow that idea, then it is possible that there is another you, or many other yous, living the life that you might have lived had you made a different choice. That somewhere out there, I had a hotel management degree or I was an Olympic runner or I had faced my depression early on.

Somewhere out there, I am living many different lives, lives based on the choices I made.

For some reason, this idea gives me a lot of peace. The idea that the life I could have lived had I made different choices is happening somewhere that I am experiencing the things I have always wished I was experiencing makes me profoundly happy. I know I will never know what that life is, but I am happy that a different me is living it.

I know – this all sounds very far-fetched, but I wanted to share it with you in case it resonates as it does with me.

I hope that I have been helpful in showing you how to let go of regrets in the New Year.

Regrets are based on ideas in our head of how things could be, not on any kind of truth. Spending so much time focusing on the theoretical doesn ‘ t get us anywhere. In fact, it holds us back.

So, take some time to take stock of your regrets, push back on them so that you can take away some of their control over your life. Take stock of why you have them so that you don ‘ t make choices the same way again, and take a good hard look at where you are in your life and what you can do to change it.

And, finally, think about that other ‘ ˜you ‘ out there, living another life, one that isn ‘ t perfect but that is full of human fallibility and love.

Now that you know how to let go of regrets, go out there and do it!

I know you can!

How Surviving a Crisis Together Can Make a Relationship Stronger

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There are many things that can make a relationship stronger but going through a crisis is one of those things that can absolutely make your relationship bulletproof.

Here we are, in the middle of a global crisis on so many levels. Between Covid, the election, the riots and the forest fires, our world feels like it ‘ s running out of control and there is no turning back. And that is petrifying.

While we can ‘ t control what is happening in the world (mostly), what we can control is our relationship and how we navigate this craziness together. Doing so successfully will only make a relationship stronger, one that can get through anything and move forward in an even more loving way.

Here are 5 ways that surviving a crisis together can make a relationship stronger.

#1 – You will come together.

You know the last time you went through a crisis and you had to go through it alone? Wasn ‘ t it a lonely struggle, one that was exhausting at times.

Are you now facing the current crisis with a partner at your side? Do you feel stronger and more able to take on anything because you know that there is someone who has your back unconditionally?

This tendency to unite in the face of a crisis is what can make a relationship stronger and, for many couples, this crisis has drawn them together in ways that no one really expected.

I have a client who was happily enough married. They were going about their daily lives, busy, hoping to have a baby, juggling work and friends and family. When Covid hit, their lives changed completely. They started working from home and their social lives dried up. It was just the two of them, in their apartment, facing this new world together.

My client says that getting through this anxiety filled time has made their marriage so much stronger. And having each other ‘ s support at the beginning, when there were so many unknowns, was something they both recognize they couldn ‘ t have done without.

#2 – You will support each other in small ways.

For many of us modern folk, we work really hard to be self-reliant. We want to believe that we don ‘ t need anyone or anything, that we can handle whatever comes our way on our own.

A crisis like the one we are going through now has shifted that. There are so many things to manage, many of them in our own homes, that we didn ‘ t have to manage before. There is working from home, homeschooling kids, cooking instead of eating out, keeping the house clean enough in spite of all of the people in residence and much more.

What I have discovered is that people are, like never before, supporting each other in small ways.

Before Covid, I had a daily list of what I needed to get done. I work from home so I often just worked my chores into my day. Most days, I couldn ‘ t get it all done because there was just too much. My boyfriend can never help because he would work all day and come home tired.

Now, with my boyfriend home, I find that he steps up to support me in small ways. He empties the cat box, he vacuums out my car, he stacked some wood and raked the leaves. All things that were, in normal times, totally my responsibility.

I know that having him there to support me in small ways, to do a few things to take them off my shoulders, has made me feel much closer to him. I truly appreciate what he does and it makes me want to do things for him in return.

#3 – You will touch more.

One of things that happens, whether we like it or not, is that when we are in someone ‘ s physical presence we just touch more.

Whether it ‘ s touching in the close quarters of the kitchen, sitting side by side on the couch catching up on emails, staying in bed just a little bit longer because of the lack of commute, physical touch has increased a thousandfold in many relationships.

And we know that there is nothing that can make a relationship stronger than loving physical touch.

#4 – You will have empathy.

My boyfriend is super sensitive to any little thing that is wrong with his body. If he has a headache or a back ache or a scratchy throat, he dramatically takes to the couch to convalesce. It drives me absolutely bonkers because I ignore any aches or pains in my body and just push through. I got 20 wasp stings on my body after stepping on a wasp ‘ s nest and I took a shower and then made dinner, pushing the (incredible) pain away because dinner had to be made.

During the time of Covid, I have become more empathetic to my boyfriend ‘ s sensitivities. He is very worried about contracting Covid so, when he starts to complain about being tired or run down, instead of rolling my eyes and walking away, I acknowledge how he feels and bring him a cup of tea on the couch.

In turn, he has true empathy for the fact that I, who am ALWAYS on the road, am stuck at home and how challenging it has been for me to share a house with 3 grown men, 24/7. I am writing this article from my mother ‘ s home in Virginia because my boyfriend understands and supports my need to be alone.

Our mutual empathy for what we both are struggling during this crisis with has definitely drawn us closer.

#5 – You will share success.

I know that the Covid crisis is far from over. The second wave is hitting us and many more people are getting sick and dying. We have been spared in our little corner of the woods but we still know pepole who have been sickened and our lives are still affected by it every single day.

What I do know is that, when the crisis is over and life gets somewhat back to normal, my boyfriend and I will sit on our porch, drinking a gin and tonic, damn proud of the work that we did to get through it. He has worked hard for the city he manages, making sure that people are taken care of and safe. I have supported people with my life coaching. We have worked together to keep our family strong, our finances on track, our mental health steady enough and our connection to each other intact.

It hasn ‘ t been easy, and it ‘ s not over yet, but I know that for us, and for all of you, getting through this and out the other side is going to be something that will keep our relationship strong.

It ‘ s interesting how surviving a crisis together can keep a relationship strong.

Think about any disaster movie you have ever seen. Often times, the hero and the heroine are estranged lovers. Their lives have been complicated and they have separated. And then the earthquake/tidal wave/alien creature hits and they are drawn together to overcome the odds and save the world. And, as a result, the final scene of the movie is them, covered with blood and dirt, sharing a passionate reunion kiss.

Much like in the movies, this crisis will keep your relationship strong. You will find you come together, you support each other in small ways, you will touch more, you will have empathy for each other and you will celebrate success when it ‘ s all done.

If there is a silver lining to this crisis it ‘ s that it will make a relationship stronger for many people who might have been struggling and keep a relationship strong for those who were steady already.

How great is that?

How to Infidelity Proof Your Marriage To Keep it Healthy and Strong

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Are you looking for ways to infidelity proof your marriage so that you can be happy and your marriage will last forever?

Have you married the person of your dreams and do you want to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship solid and healthy and infidelity proof?

Infidelity is something that no one sets out to do in a marriage – it is something that is often borne of unhappiness in a relationship, of a disconnect that has grown over time. Of course, some people are just chronically unfaithful but, more often than not, there are things that can be done to keep your marriage strong and protect it against the risk of infidelity.

Luckily, learning the tools to infidelity proof your marriage is not difficult and there are things that you can put to use immediately so that your relationship can go stronger quickly.

Here are 5 ways to infidelity proof your marriage NOW.

#1 – Share.

I know, I know. Every blog that you have read says that communication is the key to every healthy relationship. The reason that every blog says this is because it ‘ s the truth.

Think of every marriage that you know that is unhealthy. Looking in from the outside, do you see an inability to communicate, to share feelings, to explain when they have been wronged, to address how they feel about an issue or even to ask for what they want?

Do you see people who aren ‘ t willing to be vulnerable and tell their person how they feel about them or that their person is causing them pain? Do you see people who share their deepest thoughts and emotions with others but keep their partner in the dark?

Every healthy marriage is based on the ability to communicate with each other in a meaningful way, to speak up when something is bothering them, to feel safe knowing that if you do speak you won ‘ t be attacked, to know that your person will listen to you with an open heart.

So, set up healthy communication with your spouse and infidelity proof your marriage from the outset.

#2 – Maintain trust.

The number one way to strengthen your relationship so that nothing can break it apart is to establish trust and maintain it. When trust is lost, it ‘ s hard to regain. When trust is lost, it is easy for a marriage to fall apart and for infidelity to be a risk.

Trust can be lost in big ways and small. Big ones, of course, include infidelity and betrayal. It is the small ones, surprisingly, that can be most destructive to a marriage.

A client of mine had a husband who was always making her promises. He said he would go look at new windows for their house but went to the office instead. He said that he would take out the garbage but watched the game instead. He promised to be home in time for dinner but rarely was.

One small instance at a time, by saying he would do something but then not do it, my client ‘ s husband eroded her trust in him. As time went on, she trusted him less and less until, one day, she found herself with one foot out of the marriage. She no longer felt like she could be with someone she couldn ‘ t trust.

So, think hard about maintaining trust in your relationship. Whether it ‘ s about big things or small, when trust is lost it ‘ s almost impossible to regain.

#3 – Assume nothing.

I can ‘ t tell you how many clients of mine have told me, when I ask them how they communicate their feelings to their spouses, that they don ‘ t need to tell their partners that they love them ‘ ˜because they know. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how of my clients spend weekends with their parents or take walks with their friends or watch TV alone in the living room, assuming that it ‘ s okay with their partner that they not be doing things together.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients treat their partners with contempt and disregard, assuming that they will always be there, no matter how they are spoken to.

One of the things that happens in marriage is that, after a while, we start to take each other for granted. In the beginning, we stay constantly in touch, we spend time together, we share our feelings, we include each other in activities. As time goes on, we become less attentive and fall into a pattern of taking our spouses for granted.

Taking each other for granted will NOT infidelity proof your marriage. It will, instead, leave it highly vulnerable to someone from the outside stepping in.

If you want to infidelity proof your marriage, make sure that you never assume ANYTHING in your relationship. Don ‘ t assume that your person knows you love them – tell them! Don ‘ t assume that your person doesn ‘ t want to spend time with you or is okay with you disappearing every Sunday morning. Don ‘ t assume that your person will just take whatever you dish out and be there for you when you need them.

When you are done with this article, go find your person and kiss them, make plans for a hike in the morning and thank them for taking out the garbage. It could change everything for you.

#4 – Be honest. Always.

Has anyone ever said to you ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because I didn ‘ t want to hurt you? ‘ Or perhaps ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because it didn ‘ t seem important? ‘ Or even ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you for your own good? ‘

All of these things are examples of LIES – sometime lies with good intentions but lies nonetheless.

It is essential that, to infidelity proof your marriage, you always be honest with your partner about everything – everything.

If you go out with an old beau for dinner, be honest with your person and tell them. If you put a dent in the car, don ‘ t blame it on someone else. If you don ‘ t like broccoli, don ‘ t pretend that you do. If Sundays at his mothers are too much for you, don ‘ t pretend they aren ‘ t.

When you don ‘ t tell the truth to your spouse, you automatically put up a wall between the two of you. You have something that you aren ‘ t sharing with your partner and that will only create some distance between the two of you. And when there is distance, distrust often follows. And lack of trust, as we know, can kill a relationship.

So, NEVER lie to your spouse. Even for ‘ ˜their own good. ‘

#5 – Get physical.

This last way infidelity proof your marriage is a fun one. Getting physical.

Getting physical, in many forms, is the glue that can hold a relationship together. When touch stops, marriages can founder.

While I do include sex when I talk about getting physical, what I really mean is the everyday little things. The pat on the butt when walking through the kitchen, the kiss before leaving in the morning, holding hands on a walk, spooning at bedtime. All of these wonderful things count as touching.

What happens when we touch someone is profound. While our intellects are always processing our interpersonal interactions, touch is something primal, something that affects our emotions in a way that our brains cannot.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can help a relationship in profound ways. Hugs make the body produce ‘ ˜oxytocin, ‘ a feel good chemical. Hugs make us feel safe and secure. Hugs say a lot without words. Hugs mend in a way that words can ‘ t always do.

So, make an effort to keep your hands on your partner. Of course, not all the time but as often as is right for both of you. The non-verbal communication that happens with touch can infidelity proof your marriage in a way that more intellectual efforts cannot.

Knowing ahead of time how to infidelity proof your marriage is an excellent way of setting it up for success.

Much like learning how to drive a car or be successful at work, knowing the rules around a marriage can keep yours healthy and strong.

So, make an effort to talk to your person, open and honestly, to never make assumptions, to work to maintain trust on both sides, to always tell the truth and to use the non-verbal communication of touch to let your partner know how you feel.

Love is grand. If you have found that special someone to love forever, do what you need to do to keep infidelity proof your marriage and live happily ever after.

You can do it! I know you can!

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