5 Ways Untreated Depression in Parents Affects Their Children And How to Best Protect Them During Dark Times

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Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It ‘ s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible. As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative affect on children.

Here I will share 5 ways that untreated depression in parents affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times.

#1 – Depression is scary.

For a child depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways – sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure and aggressive themselves.

#2 – Kids blame themselves.

When my daughter was 15 I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? ‘ ˜I am so glad to know that it wasn ‘ t my fault. ‘

Children are so innocent, and so self-centered, and as a result they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this a child can easily internalize their parents depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

#3 – Their parent isn ‘ t parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression they just can ‘ t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days, or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer.

If her mom can ‘ t get out of bed to make her dinner then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it ‘ s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

#4 – Their mom and dad don ‘ t seem to like each other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed the other often struggles to understand what is happening, why their partner can ‘ t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child ‘ s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

#5 – They don ‘ t feel safe at home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression productivity can suffer. As a result one ‘ s home can get dirty, meals don ‘ t get made, laundry doesn ‘ t get done, safety standards don ‘ t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during dark times?

#1 – Be honest with them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy ‘ s sadness or daddy ‘ s anger is the result of something that they can ‘ t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

#2- Explain that it ‘ s not their fault.

More than anything a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren ‘ t their fault.

Understanding that their parents ‘ instability isn ‘ t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child ‘ s shoulders. And that is the very important: to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

#3 – Remove yourself from the situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend ‘ s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

#4 – Get help around the house.

If meals aren ‘ t getting made or the house isn ‘ t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and, if you can ‘ t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

#5 – Seek professional psychiatric help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child.

See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

3 Ways Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ Can Save Your Relationship

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Have you done something to hurt your guy? Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, is he really hurt? Do you want to say I ‘ m sorry and save your relationship?

Have you been trying to apologize, to make him see things from your perspective, to get him to understand your intentions. All to no avail?

Hope is not lost. There are 3 ways to apologize that will help you save your relationship.

Before we begin it is essential that you understand WHAT you have to apologize for.

You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose wife showed up 30 minutes late on a night where she swore she would be home on time. They were supposed to go out with friends of his from out of town. She had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should she need to say I’m sorry? I mean, she was late because of work. She had no control over that.

Of course she needs to apologize! Why? Not because she was kept late at work but because she HURT HIM by not getting home when she said that she would.

Do you see the difference? The slight is that she caused him pain. Whatever she did to cause that pain is irrelevant.The pain is what you are apologizing for.

Get it?

Now that you do, here are 3 ways to say ‘ I ‘ m sorry ‘ and save your relationship.

Sentence #1 – ‘I am sorry that I hurt you.’

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late, and why you aren ‘ t at fault, will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology.

So accept it and say I’m sorry for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘How can I prevent it from happening again?’

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership for how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after he calmed down when he realized that she knew how much he had hurt her, he thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent her from causing him pain. He suggested that next time she knew she was going to be late she call him so that he could change their reservations. He would also know that she knew she was late and that she was sensitive to the situation.

Armed with this knowledge my client’s partner had the tools she needed to stop herself from hurting him in the future when she was going to be late. It was up to her know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘What can I do to make it up to you?’

This one is a fun one. Amends.

So my client ‘ s partner had acknowledged that she had hurt him and did not tried to justify her behavior. Now she wanted to know what she could do to make it up to him ‘ ¦.

Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control my client was given the opportunity to express what he needed to move past this hurt. His partner didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because because people don’t always guess well.

My client suggested that he go out for a quick beer with his friends and that they all get together in the morning for breakfast. He just wanted some time with his friends but he also wanted them to meet her. This plan satisfied both of those needs. And he was happy

Do you see now how the 3 ways to say ‘ ˜I ‘ m sorry ‘ will save your relationship? How recognizing that you have hurt someone and making amends is the key to making it happen?

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way.

It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

5 Tips For Being Productive When Depressed

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You know those days when you wake up depressed and you know that it ‘ s important that you be productive nonetheless? Those are rough days!

It is possible to be productive when you are depressed. It might at times feel like you are climbing a mountain backwards in flip flops but if you have to be productive it IS possible.

How?

#1 – Get out of bed!

This, obviously, is the most essential piece of being productive when depressed. And it ‘ s most probably the hardest.

For most of us bed is our favorite place to be when we are depressed. It ‘ s cozy and warm and safe and we can sleep away our sadness. At least for a while.

But to be productive you have to get out of it. Which is hard but imperative.

People I know who suffer from depression have a myriad of tricks to get themselves out of bed and stay out of bed. They place their alarm clock across the room and when it goes off they have to get out of bed to turn it off. Some people strip their sheets off their bed once they are out or even take their mattress off it ‘ s box spring. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and getting started on their day.

#2 – Exercise.

The second most important piece of being productive when depressed is getting some exercise.

I know! The prospect seems herculean but what a difference it will make if you can do it!

Exercise produces endorphins which is exactly the chemical that is deficient when you are depressed. Exercise will help replete your bodies supply of endorphins, at least for a while.

And newly stocked your body, and mind, will able to be more productive.

So get out and do something. Take a walk, go for a run, do some yoga, play frisbee. Whatever you enjoy that will get your heart rate up and those endorphins flowing.

#3 – Choose one thing to get done.

Sometimes all it takes is doing one thing to get out of a depressed stupor.

Sitting in your bed, or on your sofa, pondering all of the things that you have to do can be so daunting that you give up completely and instead binge watch The Walking Dead. That is not productive.

Instead of focusing on everything you need to get done consider ONE thing. And get up off the couch and do that one thing.

Often times, if we are able to break our stupor and get something done we will feel so good that we will want to go on to another thing. And, while we might still feel depressed, we are being productive which will ultimately help put that depression at bay.

#4 – Choose to do things that you CAN do.

When I am depressed there are some things that I am absolutely not capable of doing. Making phone calls is one of them. I hate making phone calls on a good day. On a depressed day, forget about it.

I do know that on a depressed day there are some things that I can do. I can sort through my piles of paper and recycle and file them as necessary. I can go through and clean up my email inbox. I can do research on future blogs. I can go for a walk.

I know my things might seem weird but they are my things. Think about the things that you could do when you are depressed. And do them. Because even if you can ‘ t make phone calls doing something else is definitely productive.

#5 – Let yourself off the hook.

Okay. You are depressed. And it sucks. But it is what it is.

Recognize that you are depressed and that you will have to ride it out. And in the meantime you might not be as productive as you would like to be but you are as productive as you can be.

If you don ‘ t let yourself off the hook, don ‘ t recognize that this depression will pass and that you will become your old self again, you will only sink into a deeper sadnesswhich could fuel your inability to be productive.

So take care of yourself. Recognize that you are in a tough place and that you are doing your best nonetheless.

And then get up and do that one thing!

Being depressed is horrible. Being productive when depressed can seem impossible. But it doesn ‘ t have to be!

Living with depression is like carrying a 50lb gorilla on your back. It ‘ s debilitating and exhausting. But it doesn ‘ t have to defeat you.

Get out of bed, exercise, choose one thing to do, do it and let yourself off the hook.

Trust me! You will be glad you did.

Are you struggling with being productive when depressed?
Let me help, NOW, before it all becomes too overwhelming!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

How To Make It Through The Day When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed And Tired

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Our modern lives are chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting and it can be hard to make it through the day when you are feeling overwhelmed and tired. And because it seems that every day is the same it can be very hard to get ahead of it all.

It IS possible to get through those days overwhelming and exhausting days. All it takes is a little awareness and intention and you can do it!

Here are 5 ways to do so.

#1 – Make a list and prioritize.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and tired just thinking about all of the things that needs to be done can shut you down for the day. And shutting you down for the day is definitely not what you need because that will only lead to more overwhelm tomorrow!

So take a minute and make a list of everything that you think needs to be done today. Once you have a list make a list of everything that REALLY needs to be done today. And then take that list and prioritize what needs to be done first, second and third.

If you know exactly what needs to be done, and you can look at it in front of you, your overwhelm will immediately subside, at least a bit. A big piece of overwhelm is the result of just not knowing what needs to be done.

#2 – Take it one step at a time.

Once you have your list it ‘ s important to start at the beginning.

You have a list and it ‘ s prioritized and now it ‘ s time to take it one step at a time.

Another cause of overwhelm is that we jump too quickly ahead or start to visualize an end result that isn ‘ t what we want it to be and so we get derailed.

So take each item on your list individually. And if something gets in the way don ‘ t give up. Get back to your list and keep moving forward.

#3 – Do something for yourself.

A key part of surviving through exhaustion and overwhelm is to do something to take care of yourself. When we are at the end of our rope our tendency is to put ourselves on the back burner and everyone and everything ahead of us.

It ‘ s important that we take even just a little bit of time to do something for ourselves and recharge our batteries.

What would work for you? Perhaps it ‘ s a walk or a run, a mid-morning croissant snack, tea with a friend, a pedicure or even a massage. Whatever would work for you to make your day just a little more manageable.

#4 – Remember to eat and eat well.

When we are running around like crazy we tend to forget to eat. Or if we do eat we eat something that isn ‘ t good for us.

An important part of fighting overwhelm is to make sure that we eat well, food that will fuel our journey through the day.

What kind of food? Protein is the most important – eggs, nuts, chicken, cheese. Make sure to eat a good breakfast and lunch or, at the very least, keep some protein with you to snack on. A bag of almonds in the glove box can make a huge difference.

#5 – Take a cat nap.

I know you are laughing at the thought of fitting a nap into your crazy day but if you possibly can it will make a HUGE difference.

I am the queen of the 20 minutes nap in the car. I pull over in the shade or sun, depending on the season, put my seat back and snooze for 20 minutes. When I wake up my energy levels are definitely up and I can get through the rest of my day.

So try to make some time to snooze. It will be totally worth it!

This crazy modern life we lead makes being overwhelmed and tired a regular occurrence. And, since tropical vacations aren ‘ t usually available to help us recharge, it ‘ s important that we do what we can do to get through the day.

So make a list, set your priorities and take care of yourself. If you can take care of yourself then you will better be able to take care of others. And get yourself through the day intact and ready for another one tomorrow.

5 Super Effective Ways to Survive a Broken Heart

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I remember so well the first time I needed effective ways to survive a broken heart.

It was 9th grade and Bobby Fortunato, the guy of my dreams, had just broken up with me. We had been going out for two whole weeks. My mom took pity on me and let me stay home in bed and eat jello. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Truly, there might be nothing worse than a broken heart. The pain, both in your heart and in your head, is almost unbearable. The end of a relationship is like a death ‘ ¦ you grieve for your loss and you feel a huge emptiness, one that you are sure you will never again be able to fill.

I am here to tell you there are ways to get through your grief not only intact but even better than you were before.

#1 – Shut down the pain.

Most likely your body is in physical pain, the result of psychological suffering. And the most likely center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless and makes you feel like you are going to die. That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that you are less than, that you will never love again, that you will be alone, that you are unlovable.

That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts. Not so helpful, right? There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first: talk back to that brain of yours.

Tell it that it is being ridiculous. That you are amazing, that this loss will only create new opportunities, that you aren ‘ t now, nor ever will you be, alone. It ‘ s not easy but you can do it.

Say those words OUT LOUD. Speaking words out loud, instead of keeping them in our head, releases the words into the world energetically which makes them more powerful.

Try it. It’s true.

The second: remember to breathe.

Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breathe in for 3 seconds and out for 4. This kind of breathing will actually calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Manage your media.

This is a key element in grief management. You have music, you have video, you have social media. USE THEM FOR GOOD. They will get you out of your head and inspire you to be powerful.

I make a playlist when I am going through hard times. The songs are about empowerment, about survival, about living life fully. They go on my I-phone and then get played in my car as I go about my day. And yes, I sing along. Loudly.

Movies work the same way. There are so many movies out there about overcoming the odds, getting through hard times and emerging better than before. Find them. Watch them. Be inspired by them. Even cry with them (yes, crying is okay. even good. sometimes great. but don ‘ t wallow).

Be careful with social media. Yes, it is a great tool for feeling connected and distracted but if you have a tendency to stalk, and it causes you pain, then tread lightly. YouTube might be better than Facebook ‘ ¦or so my teenage daughter tells me.

#3 – Do Good.

Nothing feels better than helping out someone in need.

Helping out someone else while you are at your lowest feels even better, believe it or not. When you are grieving it is really easy to turn inside yourself, to feel like you are in the worst place a person could be. And while where you are does suck, there are others out there who are as just as bad off or worse. And by helping them you are also helping yourself.

There are plenty of ways to help out. You can help an elderly neighbor mow their lawn, you can volunteer at a library and help children learn to read. Hospitals are always in need of people to help in a variety of capacities. I worked in palliative care for a while. Boy, did that give me some perspective and appreciation of the life I was living.

Pick one. Do it. See how good it makes you feel and make someone else feel better in the process.

Want to talk more about fixing your broken heart? Let’s do it!

#4 – Get hot.

Yes, you read that right. Get hot.

Exercise is one of the best ways to manage grief. During exercise your body produces endorphins and endorphins actually make you feel better.

And, as a side benefit, exercise also gets you in shape. Imagine having the body that you have always wanted – you know what body I am talking about. Now is the time to get it.

Start exercising to help manage your grief and use it to get in great shape and to feel better about yourself. And, while it ‘ s not about revenge, let your ex eat his heart out when next he sees you!

#5 – Don’t stop believing in love.

Yes, right now your heart is broken. You just can ‘ t imagine being able to get through this day or the next. You know that you will never love or be loved again. Sigh.

No! You have to believe. You have to believe that your great love is out there. That you are more than a little loveable and that what you are going through is only temporary. Think about what you want and work on truly believing that you will get it. And then take the steps to do so.

You can do it! And, if you are feeling hot and full of self confidence from all that exercise and surviving your grief, imagine what that special someone will think when they first lay eyes on you. WOW! Now that ‘ s a great place for your pesky brain to go, don ‘ t you think?

Your world seems like it is over but it ‘ s not.

Use my effective ways to survive a broken heart will not only get through today and tomorrow in one piece but you will build the strength of body and character that will ultimately help you achieve your dreams and find the love of your life.

If you have read this far you must really trying to get over a broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Be More Productive and CHANGE YOUR LIFE

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Lack of productivity can be very destructive. It can lead to overwhelm, which can be paralyzing, and it can be very demoralizing, which can lead to low self-esteem.

Neither of those things help you live the life of your dreams.

There are a myriad of reasons why my clients seek me out to be their life coach but most often a piece of it is that they need some help with productivity. I am happy to report that without exception those clients who were willing to take on their low productivity reported a dramatic change after just a few weeks of working with me.

Today I am going to share with you the work that I have done with my clients so you can learn about being more productive.

#1 – Identify what it is you want. Precisely.

Many of my clients come to me with an idea of what they want from their life. A new job, a better marriage, improved relations with co-workers, how to move forward in a different way. What many of those clients haven ‘ t done is identify what exactly it is they want. Without that knowledge moving forward is impossible.

I have a client who came to me because she was miserable in her job of 15 years but she just didn ‘ t know what to do. She had tried to make adjustments at work so that she could be happier but to no avail. She was stuck with what to do next. Paralyzed in fact.

I asked her where she would go if she left her job. She had no idea. She knew that she wanted out but she had given no thought to where she would like to jump. And, I asked, how would you get to that new place. Again, my question was met with silence.

The next part was quick and easy. We brainstormed new career paths, ideas that made her heart sing. We then cleaned up her resume to reflect that new job she sought. Next she researched job opportunities and applied for those jobs. Within a few weeks she had some interviews and soon after found the job of her dreams.

All this because she identified precisely where she wanted to go. Without concrete information you are stuck. She was. And then she wasn ‘ t.

#2 – Set goals.

Once you know what it is you want to do it ‘ s time to set goals.

I have a client who had created a website and she had been working on it ‘ s blog for almost a year. She had been tweaking and re-tweaking and then walking away, bored and frustrated, only to eventually come back and tweak it some more.

I asked her how determined she was to get this blog onto her site. Scale of 1-10. 10 she said. So we set a date. A date one month later. She put it on her calendar.

One month later, after years in process, after having set goals with me and making a plan, her blog was up.

Was she proud? Did her self-esteem go through the roof? Yes and yes. Awesome!

#3 – Make a plan.

Having a plan is an essential part of being productive. Without a plan you are stabbing about in the dark.

I have a client who HATED going to the grocery store. HATED it. So she didn ‘ t. As a result she didn ‘ t eat well and always felt weak.

I asked her why she hated the grocery store. She said the noise and the lights were annoying, things were hard to find, she never had time to find recipes of things to make, and she didn ‘ t want to spend the money. All valid reasons.

So we made a plan. First we skipped the recipes. I had her make a list of things that she knew how to cook and of things she liked to eat. She made a list using those things as a basis and I helped her organize her list into groups that related to areas in the grocery store. We made a plan of when she could go, at times when it was less crowded. She also decided to wear her headphones so the noise was less daunting.

Last, but not least, we set a specific date and time. And when she was done shopping she had to call me. And you know what? She did it. She has food. She feels better. And she did it again the next week.

#4 – Have a great calendar and use it wisely.

I had a client who had the most lofty goals but she didn ‘ t believe herself capable of following through on anything. As a result nothing ever got done.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night we made a calendar for her for the week. On it, in red, were the things that she HAD to do. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her checkbook, cleaning out closets, making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency came up and she wasn ‘ t able do a red item then she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn ‘ t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but they could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black were things that tended to get done because they were last minute and she was able to get them done because that ‘ s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would be checking up on her so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks but using her calendar really allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized that she wanted to keep doing this, on her own, because she liked how she felt and she didn ‘ t want to let herself down. So she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find someone to hold you accountable.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don ‘ t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you but more often than not those people will lean towards supporting you, to listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track, both for productivity ‘ s sake and for building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is because of it ‘ s effect on your self-esteem. My clients are always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done, they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

Our lives are crazy, jam packed and exhausting. Not being productive can cause overwhelm, and overwhelm can lead you down a path that makes it all worse.

It doesn ‘ t have to be this way. There are ways to be productive and make one ‘ s life a little less exhausting. As you can see above, my clients prove that it can be done.

You can do it too!

Need more tips on being more productive? Contact me and I can help.

5 Things You Can Do Every Day to Make the World a Better Place

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I would say that, right now, worldwide, people are wishing the world were a better place. War, famine, politics and extreme weather are making the world an increasingly difficult place in which to live.

And I am guessing that most people would like to change our world, if they could, but feel helpless in the face of it all.

Fortunately, there are ways that every person can make a difference in the world. Every day.

#1 – Be kind.

You know when you are having a really bad day and that person in the elevator gives you a smile and says good morning? How does that feel? Great, right?

How about that time the person in front of you at the grocery store was a few dollars short and you offered to pay. Remember the look of gratitude she gave you and how good you felt? Amazing, right?

Imagine if every person in the world did one kind thing every day. The wonderful thing about acts of kindness is that they make everyone feel good. And people who feel good do kind things to other people.

Paying it forward and making the world better, one kindness at a time.

#2 – Don’t litter. Or idle.

I used to live on a dirt country road. It was a road through the woods, lined with a cemetery and dotted with houses. Every morning someone drove down our country road and threw his ripped up lottery tickets and his strawberry milk bottle out of his car window.

Dumping trash has a huge environmental consequence. The dyes from the trash are absorbed by the soil. That toxic soil damages the trees and plants that animals and birds feed from. Drains get clogged, which can cause flooding. Waterways get polluted and kill plant and fish life.

All because of some lottery tickets and strawberry milk.

Last week I was waiting in line to get on a car ferry and almost every single person in that line sat with their car idling. The amount of carbon emissions being released into our atmosphere so that people could stay cool in their air-conditioned cars was staggering.

And at that moment millions of cars around the world were releasing their own emissions, further depleting our ozone layer and causing the scary weather systems that are slowly destroying our planet.

Imagine the positive effect if even half of us turned off our cars while waiting. It would certainly slow the ozone layer depletion, even if only just a bit.

So be aware of how your everyday habits affect our environment. You can literally make the world a better place with just a little awareness.

#3 – Don’t judge.

You know that person who pissed you off today. The one who interrupted a meeting or spilled coffee on you or who was brusque on the phone? Yes, that person.

And how did you react to that person? Did you think What a bitch. Or What a jerk.

It’s important that we NOT judge people because of their actions. You just don’t know what has happened to that person that has made them behave that way.

Perhaps that person who interrupted the meeting had to run home to care for a sick child. Or that person who spilled coffee hadn’t slept well the night before because she was up late worrying about how to pay her taxes.

People are trying to do their best. Life is hard. Cut people some slack and believe that if they could do it differently they would.

#4 – Be helpful.

One of the striking things about living in NYC is how often you see people struggling and how, more often than not, no one reaches out to help. Not maliciously but because people in NYC keep their heads down and mind their own business.

And then you see moments of pure selflessness.

Last week I saw a woman who, when crossing the street, noticed a homeless man behind her, shuffling along. She knew he wouldn’t make it across before the light turned red so she stopped and waved her arms at approaching vehicles. Because she did, cars slowed and the man made it across in one piece.

The homeless man was thankful and I saw passersby take notice of what she had done. I am willing to bet that those passersby did something nice for someone else that night, inspired by what they had seen.

Paying it forward and making the world a better place. Again.

#5 – Put down your phone.

There are so many reasons why putting down your phone will make the world a better place.

If you put down your phone you can stop filling your brain with images of politicians doing stupid things, of violent happenings world wide and people writing nasty things about each other. This will make you happier and more inclined to do one of the recommendations above.

If you put down your phone you might look up and see the moon or an act of kindness or the person you love. You might even see an opportunity that could change your life or make the world a better place.

Put down your phone. Engage in life. Pay attention. Make a difference.

The world we live in is a difficult one. Every day we are faced with issues that suck us dry, individually and collectively. It doesn’t have to be that way.

Make small changes to the ways you interact in the world and, together, we can make the world a better place.

Looking for more ways to change the world? Contact me and I can help.

5 Ways The Most Emotionally Strong Women Become That Way

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You know that emotionally strong woman know, the one who seems completely put together? She knows what she wants and who she is and she won ‘ t let anyone or anything get her down?

Yes, her. Wouldn ‘ t you like to be her? You can be!

A woman like that most likely wasn ‘ t always like that but had to work to become that way. And you can do it too!

#1 – Take care of yourself.

At the most basic level, no one can be an emotionally strong strong woman if they aren ‘ t physically strong. I am not saying you have to join Crossfit and do the Whole 30 and go to therapy every day. I do mean to take care of your body.

Eat well, get enough sleep, exercise regularly, be kind to others, do what makes you smile. Feeling healthy and strong will give you good strong roots at the base of your emotionally healthy tree. Roots that will make it so that you won ‘ t blow over in a storm.

So do it. Take care of yourself. Create a healthy base on which to cultivate your emotional strength.

#2 – Challenge your thoughts.

You know those pesky thoughts that incessantly course through your head? You know the ones.

The ones that tell you aren ‘ t pretty enough, not smart enough, not successful enough.

Yes, those thoughts. The thoughts that are holding you back. They are keeping you emotionally weak. It ‘ s time to change those thoughts.

It won ‘ t be easy but with a little determination you can bring about big change.

One of my clients had spent a lifetime telling herself that she just wasn ‘ t worthy of love. Her life experience had led her to believe this to be true and because her thoughts consistently reinforced this idea she just wasn ‘ t emotionally capable to finding and keeping love.

I challenged her to challenge those thoughts. To talk back to the negative thoughts and provide evidence that they just weren ‘ t true. I encouraged her to make a list of those who had loved her. Her various boyfriends, her parents, her friends, her kids, the barista guy who had flirted with her for years. Those people who liked and loved her.

She kept this list easily accessible and when those dreaded thoughts reared their ugly head she referred to the list. Gradually those thoughts, being starved of reasons why it was true, became much quieter. And then, because she no longer felt emotionally weakened by her thoughts, she flirted back with that barista and it looks like she just might live happily ever after.

#3 – Don ‘ t take things personally.

Taking things personally can be the death of an emotionally strong woman.

When something happens to us, the only way that we can process it is through our own internal system. And that internal system only truly understands OUR experience. As a result we often times personalize things that have NOTHING to do with us.

I have a client who was in a dispute with her landlord about damage done to her apartment and she was very upset. She couldn ‘ t sleep. She couldn ‘ t enjoy her everyday life. She took the dispute personally. She felt that the landlord was questioning who she was as a person in his pursuit of keeping the damage deposit. She felt less than because of this.

I suggested to her that a more likely explanation for his actions was that he wanted more money from her NOT that he didn ‘ t like her as a person. In that moment my client let go of everything that she had been holding on to.

Of course it was about the money, not about how she was as a tenant or a person. It ‘ s always about money. In that moment she learned about the importance of not taking things personally and grew her emotional strength.

#4 – Give of yourself to others.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can help build emotional strength more than doing something for someone else. Truly, nothing.

When I was going through my divorce my emotional strength was at it ‘ s lowest. I started volunteering weekly at the local food bank. Four hours a week of helping other people get food to eat, for themselves and their families, made me feel so good. And not because I felt lucky that I wasn ‘ t in their position but because I knew that I had made a substantial, positive difference in their lives. It made my heart sing.

Many of us don ‘ t have time to volunteer but we can make a difference in other ways. Hold the door open for someone, buy that homeless person sitting outside the grocery store a sandwich, reach out to a friend you know is going through a hard time, give up your seat on the subway. There is nothing like being on the receiving end of a smile of gratitude to build up your emotional strength.

So try it. Reach out and make a difference in someone ‘ s life today

#5 – Do that thing you think you can not do.

There comes a time in one ‘ s life when one is presented with an obstacle that seem insurmountable.

For me that obstacle was rebuilding my life after my divorce. I never wanted a divorce but it was forced upon me and I had to deal. I had to deal with no longer being a wife, greatly reduced financial stability and the prospect of being alone forever. I DID NOT WANT TO DEAL. But I had to. I had to pick myself and move forward.

And I chose to pick myself and move forward in the strongest possible way. I wasn ‘ t going to let this situation ruin my life so I didn ‘ t. How? I got into therapy.

I surrounded myself with people who loved and supported me. I educated myself about the divorce process so that I could get what I needed to take care of myself and my children. I didn ‘ t back down in the face of his anger and derision. I stopped taking his actions personally and realized they were his issues not mine.

In short, I came out on the other side of my divorce a different woman. I went into it a woman who was scared of her own shadow, as I had been at the end of my marriage.

I emerged someone who knew that she could take care of herself and her children, who was no longer a wife but a woman and who didn ‘ t give a damn about being alone because I was very happy with my own company.

The BEST way to ensure your emotional strength is to DO THAT THING YOU THINK YOU CAN NOT DO. By doing so you will truly see your own strength. Nothing and no one will be able to convince you otherwise.

We are born into this world as emotionally strong women.

Life experience can drain that strength until we are left a shell of who we formerly were.

It doesn ‘ t have to be that way. Take care of yourself, don ‘ t take things personally, challenge your thoughts, give unto others and face challenges head on. Regaining your emotional strength is not only possible but probable with a little intention and effort. You can do it. I did. And, let me tell you, it feels amazing!

If you have read this far you must be wanting to be an emotionally strong woman.

Let me help you do so, NOW, so you can start living the life of your dreams.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind

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Your kid is going off to college. Holy s*%t.

While there were some occasions a few years back when you thought this moment couldn ‘ t come soon enough, now that it ‘ s here the prospect is hitting you like a ton of bricks.

Your child is leaving. That force of nature who has lived in your house for 18 years. How are you going to survive that loss?

Surviving, and even thriving, is not only possible but probable.

Here is my latest ‘ ¦5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind.

#1 – Pay attention to how you are feeling.

Most likely your body is in physical pain, a result of psychological suffering at the loss of your child. And most likely the center point of that pain is your stomach. The pain is sharp and relentless and makes you feel like you are going to die.

That pain is from anxiety. Anxiety that your child won ‘ t be able to survive without you. That you won ‘ t be able to survive without them. That everything will be different now and how do you deal with that? That pain comes directly from your brain, from your thoughts. Frustrating, no?

There are two ways to deal with that pain.

The first is to talk back to that brain of yours. Tell it that it is being ridiculous. That your child is ready to do this and will be fine. That you have survived their being toddlers and teenagers so you can survive their leaving. And change is good. It ‘ s not easy to talk back to your thoughts but you can do it.

The second is to remember to breathe. Big deep breaths that go down to your belly. Breath in for 3 seconds and out for 5. This kind of breathing will actually calm the stress response in your body, ease your stomach pain and help clear your head. Repeat as necessary.

#2 – Revel in their successes and opportunities.

Your child is going to COLLEGE. How huge is that?

Since they were born one of your dreams for them has been college. College opens up doors for our kids. It allows them to think deep, dream big and share it with all kinds of like-minded and other-minded people. It will clear pathways that will take them forward into the rest of their lives.

And don ‘ t forget the role that you have played in all of this. It is because of you that they are ready to fly, to leave home and thrive. Don ‘ t underestimate the value of this. Without you this never could have happened!

Most of all, they aren’t leaving you behind. You and everything you have taught them will stay with them throughout their college life, whispering in their ear and guiding their decisions. And don’t worry. They will come back. There is laundry to be done and home-cooked food to be eaten.

#3 – Cry. But not too much.

It ‘ s okay that that you are feeling sad. Of course you are. And your child is feeling sad too. Leaving home leads to mixed emotions.

Tell your child that you are sad that they are leaving and that you are going to miss them. They need to know. It ‘ s important that they see real emotion from you, emotions that they can mirror as they want.

DO NOT go on and on repeatedly about how much you will miss them. Don ‘ t lie on their bed as they pack, sobbing. Don ‘ t make a scene when you drop them off at the dorm. Even if you feel like bursting into tears, don ‘ t. There is time enough for that on the car ride home.

You don ‘ t want to burden your child with the guilt of your sadness because doing so might hamper their ability to assimilate into their new school. This is not good.

So cry ‘ ¦ but within reason.

#4 – Plan a visit. But not tomorrow.

Colleges and universities have it all figured out. Usually by October, when everyone is missing each other, A LOT, there are parent weekends scheduled. This is a weekend where the kids get to share their new home with you and you get to buy them things. Fun times are had by all.

So plan to do this (and make hotel reservations well ahead of time as they tend to fill up). Planning will make you happy.

DO NOT plan to visit your child before that. Don ‘ t stop by to do their laundry or help with their homework or just because you miss them. It ‘ s like summer camp – they need to go cold turkey from their parents to really settle in. You being around will prevent that from happening.

#5 – Take a good look at the rest of your life.

Even if this child is not your last to leave home now is the time where your life will start to change.

You have spent the past 18 years devoting yourself to your children and running your household. You have given so much of yourself, happily, but now it ‘ s time to start taking care of you.

Take a good hard look at the choices you have made that have brought you to where you are today. Take a good hard look at where you want to be in the next half of your life. Take a good hard look at what is important to you.

This is it. This is your time. You have age and you have wisdom and now it ‘ s time to start at least laying the groundwork to living the life that you have always wanted.

So there you go – 5 Ways to Survive Your Kid Going off to College and Leaving You Behind.

The next few weeks will be tough but you, and your child, will get through it. It ‘ s also a magical time, a time for your child to enter his or her world and for you to begin to grow in yours.

Embrace it. It only happens once.

Need any more ideas about how to survive and thrive? Contact me and I can help!

5 Things I Learned Today When I Spoke Up For Myself

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My kids spent this weekend in Maine with my ex-husband. Again. Second weekend in a row. Another one next week.

These weekends are very hard for me because my kids are part of a Brady Bunch family: two parents and their kids combined to make a new family. My children have a new family that doesn ‘ t include me. And it sucks.

All weekend I had been looking forward to spending today with my daughter. Yesterday she informed me that because they hadn ‘ t made bus reservations they wouldn ‘ t be back to NYC in time for our date. Our plans for today were shot.

I was furious. I wanted to scream and yell. But I didn ‘ t.

Here is the story of what I did instead.

#1 – I learned what was really upsetting me.

When I found out that my kids weren ‘ t going to be home when they said they would be I flew off the handle. All I could think about was the incompetency of my ex – how if he had planned ahead with bus reservations this wouldn ‘ t have happened. How unfair it was that he left me and that he lured the kids up to his house with alcohol and shotguns.

And then I thought about how my kids took me for granted and that I gave so much to them and that they gave me very little back. They didn ‘ t respect how upset the whole thing made me. If they did they would behave differently, my angry mind told me.

And then, because I couldn ‘ t reach anybody on the phone to yell at, I was forced to calm down. And when I calmed down it all became clearer.

Yes, I was frustrated at the lack of planning but that is nothing new and nothing that I could change. What I was really upset about was the fact that I wouldn ‘ t be spending the day with my daughter. I so enjoy the time we spend together and I wouldn ‘ t get it. (It didn ‘ t help that she would be with her father instead of me but that is for another blog).

I also realized that, to a certain extent, I felt like my kids really did take me for granted. I felt like I was always available for them and that they were rarely available for me.

Both of things were making me sad. It manifested itself as anger but I was sad.

#2 – I learned what I really wanted.

I asked myself next what I would want if I was in charge of the world?

I know I would like to make my ex and my kids better planners but I knew from experience that that wasn ‘ t likely to change. And I also know that I can only change my reactions to their behaviors because I can ‘ t change them.

So what did I want that I could have?

I know that I want to spend more time with my kids and I wanted to not feel taken for granted. I wanted them to make a little bit more of an effort to respond to my texts, to show a little more respect for my presence in their lives. And to spend time with me when possible.

Not too much to ask, no?

#3 – I learned how to share what I wanted in a non-critical way.

Okay, so now that I knew what I wanted I had to figure out how to talk to my kids without appearing critical or making them defensive. I knew that they weren ‘ t making me feel this way on purpose and I really just wanted to let them know how their actions were affecting me.

To do this I talked to them about how I was feeling. I told them that I felt like I was being supportive about the time they spent with their father (and they agreed) and that I felt sad when their lack of planning with their father interfered with the limited time I spent with them.

I told them that I knew I couldn ‘ t compete with the amusement park that was their dad ‘ s house but that I just wanted them to make a little more effort with me. And made clear to them that a little more effort was as simple as returning my texts. And maybe spending some time with me when possible.

And that was it.

#4 – I learned how to ensure that the message landed.

After I shared with them how I felt I encouraged them to respond to anything I had said. That they could push back in any way and I was open to talking about it all. They did both speak up but only to say that they understood exactly where I was coming from. That they were still trying to navigate the new world their parents divorce had put them in and that they would try to make a better effort in the future.

They did have a few excuses, as kids would have, and I let them speak them and pushed back enough for them to understand that excuses didn ‘ t make it better. They got it.

After lunch I thanked my kids for listening to me. My son said ‘ Not only did we listen to you but we heard you. ‘ And then I got hugs.

#5 – I learned that speaking up for myself felt really, really good.

I walked away from the whole situation feeling on top of the world. Instead of railing on my ex-husband and my kids for their lack of planning, I was able to turn this painful occurrence into a vehicle for change. The situation was not a new one to me and I had been biting my tongue about it all for a while. I finally stopped doing so.

And because I stopped doing so it is possible that something that has been causing me a lot of pain for a long time might be resolved.

How amazing is that?

So many of us, myself included, have a hard time speaking up for and advocating for ourselves. A big part of that is because we don ‘ t know exactly what it is that we want and without that knowledge it ‘ s hard to ask for it.

Follow my steps. Figure out what exactly it is you want and ask for it. Ask for it in a way that ‘ s not critical but that speaks to how you feel. You might be surprised at how much people want to give you what you want and will if they know what exactly it is.

Try it. You might feel like I do this glorious afternoon. Amazing.

If you gotthefar it must mean that you have something to say?
Let me help, NOW, before you go silent for good.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

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