How Healthy Relationships Work – 5 Things That You Must Know Before You Can Have One

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Wouldn ‘ t you love to know how healthy relationships work?

Is there anything that you would like more than to have a healthy relationship, a love to share your life with?

Sure, a job and a nice apartment and good friends are important to you but really, isn ‘ t love the ultimate goal?

For many of us the answer is yes!

So how do you find love, find a healthy relationship? And how do you know if the relationship you are in now is even healthy?

Let ‘ s talk about how healthy relationships work so that you can have one!

In a healthy relationship:

#1 – Keep things even.

Think about your past relationships that haven ‘ t worked out. Was one of you more dominant than the other? Did one of you have more control? If yes, that might be why it didn’t work out.

In healthy relationships, couples are evenly matched and if they aren ‘ t it ‘ s because both sides are okay with an imbalance.

Does one of you decide more often what you do on weekends? Does one of you decide how the closet is going to be organized? Does one of you decide who your friends are?

Does the answer to those questions above always point to the same person?

If yes, then your relationship is out of balance. If one person has all power in a relationship it ‘ s not healthy. Not healthy because no one can truly be happy if they are being told what to do or made to do things they don ‘ t want to do.

So take a look at your partnership. Are you happy with how decisions are made? If he makes all the decisions and you are still happy then that ‘ s ok. But if you aren ‘ t happy, then it ‘ s time to make change.

#2 – Love yourselves first.

Do you like the person who you are? Do you like the work that you do? Do your relationships make you feel good about yourself? Do you not take others’ actions personally? Are you honest with yourself about your issues and limitations?

All of these are very important pieces of knowing and liking ourselves. It is essential that both people in a relationship know and accept themselves. Because if they do, then they can truly open their heart to another.

I have always struggled with feeling insecure in relationships. I always struggled with the feeling that there was no way any guy could really like me. There was no basis for that but I felt that way and it made me difficult to be in a relationship with.

And then I started my own business. I worked hard and found success. And in the meantime I learned that I was awesome and that I was making a difference in the world and that any guy would be lucky to have me. And guess what! I found an amazing guy because I was not longer insecure about myself.

And, yes, he does love me madly.

#3 – Always be honest.

I have said it before and will say it again. Without honesty there is no hope for happiness in a relationship, or anywhere.

I have a client who lives in constant fear that her husband is fooling around on her. It occupies her every waking moment – that she can ‘ t trust him. That he is talking to another woman while he is at work or out doing errands. She worries so much that it is taking over her life and making her miserable.

So talk to him about it, I suggested. But she can ‘ t. She and her husband have gotten to a place where they don ‘ t feel safe talking to each other about anything, big or small.

So instead of talking with her husband, sorting out her feelings and reconciling them with his actions, she is living with anxiety and fear and she is miserable.

Every person in a healthy relationship is in an honest relationship. If you have issues with your partner that are affecting your happiness, speak up. Let him know how you are feeling and you can work together to try to fix it.

And be honest about other things too – honest about where you go after work or when you are going to see your mother or about how much money you spent on the new vacuum cleaner. Make it a policy to never tell a lie, not even a white one.

#4 – Have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship are not completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, you will only be setting yourself up for failure. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

So call up some girlfriends and make a date for dinner and the movies. Your husband will be fine and will be very happy to see you when you return.

Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

#5 – Make each other feel loved.

Did you know that while you might feel like the things that you are doing for your partner make him feel loved, those things might not actually be working?

Shocking, I know!

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of usexpress lovein waysthatWE want to be loved – as opposed to in waysour partner wants to be loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is learning what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you learn what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel loved.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languagescreated a whole movement around this concept of there being 5 languages of love, and thus5 ways to express love to your partner. And when you use your partner ‘ s love language they will FEEL loved.

Check out his website here.

So now you know about how healthy relationships work and now you can get out there and find one of your own or make the one that you are in healthier.

The goal for all of us is love and, in order to find it and keep it, we need to do the hard work.

So make sure that the power levels are even in your relationship. Make sure that you both know and like yourselves and that you each have a life outside of the relationship. Always, always, be honest. And love your partner the way they want to be loved.

So now you know what you are looking for. Go out and find it!

THIS Is What Healthy Relationships Are Based On (And 5 Reasons Why)

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Are you wondering what healthy relationships are based on?

It ‘ s a very important question because how can you have a healthy relationship if you don ‘ t know what makes a good one?

So what is the answer? Are healthy relationships based sex? Or money? Or quality time? Or paying attention?

All of those things are important in healthy relationships but the most important part of a healthy relationship? COMMUNICATION.

Ok, so now that that ‘ s out there, do you wonder why communication is what healthy relationships are based on?

Let me tell you!

#1 – Good communication means honesty.

How can any relationship, be it romantic, work or familial, be healthy without honesty?

It is essential that in our lives we are honest with each other about how we are feeling, what we are thinking and seeing and experiencing.

Hiding our truths from others opens us up for relationship failure.

I have a client who doesn ‘ t trust her husband. A long time ago he cheated on her and, while she has forgiven him, she still doesn ‘ t trust him. She worries every day that she can ‘ t trust anything that he says. She worries that someday she will wake up and find that her life is a lie.

I asked my client why she couldn ‘ t tell her husband what she told me. She said that she just didn ‘ t feel safe doing so. And because she can ‘ t be honest with him she lives in this constant state of distrust and anger with her husband.

So be honest with your partner. Get your feelings out there so they can be heard and dealt with.

#2 – Good communication means trust.

If we are able to communicate with people we are in a relationship with, to tell them what our truths are, how we are feeling, what we want and need, then our partners can trust us.

If your partner knows that he can count on you to tell him when you are upset, to tell him when you need him to hold you close or leave you alone, to tell you what you want for your birthday, then your partner will trust in you. And you can trust in him.

Trust is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship.

Imagine if my client, who did not divorce her husband after the affair, had been able to tell her husband whenever she felt that distrust for him. If she had told him each time it occurred they could have talked it through.

Perhaps he could have learned what he needed to do to allow his wife to feel trust and perhaps she might have heard that her distrust was unfounded and that she need not fear.

Instead, they live in a parallel universe where she doesn ‘ t feel safe telling him how she feels and he has no freaking idea what to do so he just keeps his head down and works.

#3 – Good communication means things won ‘ t be put away to fester.

So tell me what happens when your husband does something to upset you and you don ‘ t tell him about it.

Perhaps he had promised you that he would choose the new doors for the house project this weekend. And then he didn ‘ t.

And what did you do? Did you make some passive aggressive remark about whatever it was that he did instead of choosing the doors and storm out of the kitchen?

Was that last year and do you still think about it?

Imagine if instead you had been able to explain to your husband how angry you were that he didn ‘ t get the doors. That you had been counting on having the doors so that you could choose the trim color the next day.

Perhaps you could have listened to his reason for not choosing the doors and perhaps you might have understood the reason and let it go. Or perhaps you could have hated the reason and expressed your anger about that.

Either way, you would have shared your emotions with your partner instead of stuffing them down deep where they festered.

#4 – Good communication means things can change and evolve.

When there is no communication between partners things can ‘ t ever change.

If you and your partner can ‘ t be honest each other with how you are feeling or how things are going or how things need to be done differently then you will forever be in place of stasis. A place where nothing changes.

Imagine if, in the situation above, my client had been able to express her emotions about the fact that her partner didn ‘ t get the doors. Her husband might have been put off by her anger and frustration in the moment but chances are he would have heard how his actions made her feel and he might have tried to not do it again.

On the other hand, because he didn ‘ t know how she felt, because she wasn ‘ t clear with him, he was doomed to repeat the events of the day over and over.

#5 – Good communication means a great sex life.

Here is where good communication skills really become a plus.

Sex is fun and a really important part of a healthy relationship.

If you and you are partner are able to communicate with each other about your sex life because you both feel safe that you can trust each other and be honest with each other, then your sex life will only get better.

And communicating about our sex lives has two sides: it ‘ s important that you share what is good AND what is not so good.

For example, if there is something that your husband does that you really, really like, TELL HIM. And, if there is something that he could do differently, TELL HIM.

Many of us think that we shouldn ‘ t talk about our sex lives because we will make the other person uncomfortable or feel bad.

But let me ask you this: would your partner feel worse if you told him to do something a little bit more to the left or if you refused to have sex with him anymore? I am guessing the first.

So communicate with your partner about what works and what doesn ‘ t work.

I promise you it will only make your relationship stronger.

Communication is what healthy relationships are based on.

Being able to share with your partner how you are feeling, what you need, what you are seeking to understand and what is making you scared is essential to maintaining trust, preventing fester and promoting evolution.

Being honest can at times be scary, especially if it involves hurt feelings or anger, but without it, and the good communication skills that are a part of it, your relationship will flounder.

And you don ‘ t want it to flounder. You want a healthy relationship.

So SPEAK UP! You will be glad you did.

 

6 Healthy Relationship Do’s And Don’ts That Can Make Or Break Yours

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As far as lists go, healthy relationship do ‘ s and don ‘ ts are one of the most important because healthy relationships, and the love that is a part of them, make the world go round.

For every ‘ do ‘ there is a ‘ don ‘ t ‘ associated with it. Understanding the difference between the two is a key part of really knowing how to be in a healthy relationship, one that is full of love and romance and respect and, well, all of it!

#1 – Do: Express your feelings.

Expressing your feelings in a relationship is very important. Many of my clients say I don ‘ t have to tell him that I love him. He knows. Yes, he might know but that doesn ‘ t mean you can ‘ t tell him.

Furthermore, if you are angry or sad or lonely because of something that your partner did, tell him. He needs to know how he made you feel so he can learn what you need from him and you need to express your feelings so they don ‘ t get trapped in your body. Feelings that get trapped in your body are toxic.

Don ‘ t: Be passive aggressive.

It is very important that you express your feelings but it is VERY important that you not be passive aggressive in how you express them.

Passive aggressiveness is a tendency to engage in indirect expression of hostility through acts such as subtle insults, sullen behavior, stubbornness, or a deliberate failure to accomplish required tasks.

If your partner did something to upset you it ‘ s not okay to given him the silent treatment, to sulk, to do to him what he did to you, or act in any way that isn ‘ t straightforward about how you are thinking.

If your husband is always home late for work tell him how upset you are. Don ‘ t ignore him when he gets home and then tell him that you don ‘ t want him home anyway and that he might as well just stay at work forever. This will only make matters worse and will never get you what you really want – that he come home at night for dinner.

#2 – Do: Be understanding.

People are human. And sometimes they make mistakes. And if they do it ‘ s okay. They are human.

If your husband promised you that he would put up the curtain rods on a rainy Saturday afternoon and if, by the end of the day, that didn ‘ t happen, it ‘ s okay to be upset. But it ‘ s essential that you talk to him about it and understand why it didn ‘ t happen.

Yes, perhaps he just chose to watch football with your son instead or maybe he just forgot. Either way, he is only human. Express your disappointment that the job wasn ‘ t done but forgive him and try again on Sunday.

Don ‘ t: Take things personally.

If your husband promised you that he would put up the curtain rods on a rainy Saturday afternoon and if, by the end of the day, that didn ‘ t happen, don ‘ t take it personally.

Don ‘ t think If he loved me he would have put up the curtain rods. That simply isn ‘ t true. He didn ‘ t put up the curtain rods for a variety of reasons but none of them was because he didn ‘ t love you.

#3 – Do: Be honest.

An essential part of being in a healthy relationship is honesty. Truly, a healthy relationship cannot exist if partners aren ‘ t honest with each other.

If something has happened or you are feeling some way, it is essential that you let your partner know so that you can process it together. Sharing everything is a big part of maintaining a healthy, intimate relationship.

Don ‘ t: Keep secrets.

Keeping secrets will kill a relationship. Period.

Even those little pesky secrets, the ones that you keep because you want to ‘ ˜protect your loved one, ‘ are insidious and destructive and will only cause trouble.

Don ‘ t keep secrets. They always get out and when they do the harm that they cause is often worse than the secret itself.

#4 – Do: Maintain a healthy sex life.

A healthy sex life is an essential part of every relationship. The only person in the world that you are having sex with is your partner and that should be treated as the very special thing that it is. Make sex a regular and enjoyable part of your relationship.

Don ‘ t: Pretend that the sex is okay when it isn ‘ t.

If the sex you are having with your partner isn ‘ t okay then let your partner know. I can guarantee you that your partner would rather know the truth and be able to do what he can to make the sex more enjoyable than to find out that you have just been pretending all along.

Once again, be honest!

#5 – Do: Appreciate each other.

You have a partner who you have chosen for a variety of reasons. He is handsome or smart or kind or practical or handy. For whatever reason you chose him to be yours.

Now that he is yours, appreciate everything that you have. If your man fixes your cabinets for you without asking, or helps your neighbor solve that tax problem or looks just so in his new green sweater, TELL HIM!

You know how good it feels when he tells you.

Don ‘ t: Take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, often times once we settle down into a long-term relationship we start to take each other for granted. The things that we fell in love with them for are things that we just assume will always be there, not matter what we do.

I know that when I was married I just assumed my husband would always be there, no matter how I treated him, which wasn ‘ t always very well. And guess what. He left me!

So don ‘ t take your guy for granted. If you love him make him feel that way. Every day.

#6 – Do: Laugh with each other.

Laughing is an essential part of every healthy relationship. Remember when you first fell in love, the hours you spent together, sharing and laughing. And didn ‘ t if feel good?

It is so important that the laughter continue. Make sure you spend time together doing what you both love, enjoying each other ‘ s company and laughing.

Don ‘ t: Laugh at each other.

One of the things that happen when couples are together for a long time is that they aren ‘ t always kind to each other. Those things that bug us about our partner often are revealed in unkind ways.

Do you ever find yourself laughing at your partner because he is letting people take advantage of him again? Or sarcastically commenting on how well his shirt and tie match? Do you talk to your friends about the stupid things that he does?

If you do any of these things, stop. If you have issues with your husband or if he does something that bothers you, tell him, don ‘ t laugh at him. Because that kind of laughter just isn ‘ t funny.

Being in a healthy relationship can be really amazing but it can also be a lot of hard work. It is very important that you follow my healthy relationship do ‘ s and don ‘ ts to keep yours going strong.

It is important that you are always honest with your partner, in a kind way, that you don ‘ t take things personally and that you don ‘ t keep secrets. It is also key that you have a sex life that pleases you both, that you love and appreciate each and that laughter is a priority.

If you are reading this, I am guessing that you have a healthy relationship that youwant to keep healthy. You CAN do it. Start today.

5 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Relationship With Your Husband and Keep the Romance Alive

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The wedding is over, the rice has been thrown and now the question is How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your husband?

It ‘ s a very good question and a very important one. One that many newlyweds don ‘ t ask and should.

Marriage is wonderful but it lasts a long time and that time isn ‘ t always, or even often, easy. So thinking ahead about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband is very important.

So how DO you maintain that relationship?

#1 – Create a good foundation.

A good foundation is important for every structure and a marriage especially.

The habits that you develop as newlyweds will carry you forth throughout your marriage. In fact, if there are things that you are hoping will change once you are married, forget it. We only become more of who we are the older we get.

What are important pieces of a good foundation?

On the most basic level, trust is essential for every marriage. If you can not trust your partner to be honest with you, to be there when you need them, to know that they will always look out for your best interests, then you may as well be alone. Because if you can ‘ t trust your partner, who can you trust?

Another key piece of a good marriage foundation is mutual respect. It is impossible for two people to work well together if they don ‘ t respect the other person. If they don ‘ t respect their morals, their values and their work ethic. So make sure, early on, that you respect your partner and that he respects you back.

A third piece is knowing that you both recognize that you are a now a pair, that by getting married you have formed a new family.

Both of you come from individual families but now you are creating a new one. And that new one needs to be the priority. Sure, either mother-in-law might like things to be a certain way, but it ‘ s important that you both realize that your new family is the priority and that it is clear to others.

So set a good foundation for your marriage. It will be important that you do so going forward.

#2 – Be aware that kids are going to change everything.

Getting married is often followed by having children and I often wonder, if people really knew what having children was like, would they reconsider?

There is nothing harder on marriage then the arrival of a child. Suddenly the woman ‘ s priorities are totally redirected, away from the man who has been her life for years and towards this little helpless creature who she is biologically hard-wired to protect.

Right after my daughter was born my mother made us two sheet pans of lasagna. We froze them for when she went back to Virginia. I remember my husband coming home from work one day and, upon learning that we were having lasagna AGAIN, he stalked out of the room. I seriously thought I would never be able to cook and take care of a baby so I burst into tears.

And of course, as children grow, their demands on the family become greater and by their teen years their parents are exhausted and often estranged from each other. They live in the same house but that ‘ s it. The couple is gone.

It is essential that parents take time to spend time with each other during the chaos of raising children. Do fun things together, talk about subjects outside of the family, laugh a lot. If you don ‘ t you will completely lose who you are as a couple and be only Mom and Dad.

So don ‘ t forget your husband in the fray of raising your amazing children. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Treat each other with respect.

Nothing is worse in a marriage than when respect is gone. When respect is gone it is replaced by contempt and no relationship can survive when there is contempt.

If you spend time with any couple who has been married awhile you will know what I mean. One person ‘ s habits have become too much for the other person and it is very clear.

My ex-husband used to often come home late from work. At first I begged him to be home in time for dinner. He tried but most often failed. I got increasing frustrated and starting losing respect for him. I eventually stopped asking him and eventually started telling him that he was rendering himself irrelevant. That we didn ‘ t need him home for dinner anyway.

How great did that make him feel? He is my ex-husband, you notice.

#4 – Make sure your sex life is working.

Sex is an essential piece of any healthy relationship. It is important that every couple maintain a certain amount of intimacy to keep connected.

What is very important about married people sex is that it works for both people in the relationship. If he wants to have sex 5 days a week and she doesn ‘ t want to have sex more than once, then a compromise must be made so that you can both be satisfied.

If she has sex with him more than she might like he will be satisfied but she will not be because she will be resentful about what she feels forced to do. If they only have sex once he might get resentful that that is all he gets.

So have a discussion with your spouse. Make sure that both of you are happy with the amount and quality of the sex you share.

It could be the glue that holds you together.

#5 – Talk about money.

This is the holy grail of taboo subjects in a marriage and one of the top reasons that marriages fall apart. Many people can not talk about their finances without it descending into chaos.

Money is a difficult topic, whether there is too much or too little, and couples can rarely talk about it without fighting. How much a salary is, how much it costs to run a family and keep a house, spending money on self care, putting money away for savings. All are difficult topics and allocation for each of those areas is up for discussion at any given time.

The happiest couples I know are ones who have the tough talk regularly. Is the way the money being spent working for everyone? If not, what can be done to change that?

The key is working together, as a couple, to make the finances work for the whole family.

Try it. The conversation might be difficult but it could save your marriage.

So there are the 5 essential ways to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband.

I can not repeat enough how important it is to spend time early in your relationship setting a good foundation as a couple.

Learn how to talk about difficult things, like money and sex. Put yourselves first over your extended families. Make spending time together a priority. And never stop laughing.

Marriage can be wonderful. Do your best to keep it that way.

Do you want to maintain a healthyrelationshipwith your husband?

Let me help, NOW, and get that passion back quickly!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Healthy Relationship Boundaries to Keep the Romance Alive

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Healthy relationship boundaries are important to keeping every relationship alive and full of spark but they are something that aren ‘ t often part of relationship building.

Healthy boundaries come in many shapes and sizes, depending on the couple, but there are 5 basic boundaries that should exist in every relationship.

#1 – It is important to spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let either of you be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So make an effort to keep the decision making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Not letting any one of you be in charge is important. And it leads to #3.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each others ‘ behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Keep the personal hygiene stuff personal.

Um so, what do I mean by this? Personal hygiene stuff?

I want you to think about what things you do around your partner. Are you willing to brush your teeth? To floss them after? To put on your makeup? To wear a face mask to bed? To pee as needed?

All of those things are, of course, necessary parts of life. And when we get familiar with our partners we are okay with doing them in front of them.

But I would suggest keeping personal hygiene stuff personal because doing those things in front of them can demystify you in the eyes of your partner.

I don ‘ t mean that if your partner sees you doing those everyday things he will love you any less but if he doesn ‘ t see you doing those things then you will continue to be that somewhat mysterious woman he fell in love with.

So do your bathroom chores by yourself. Keep that mystery, and the romance, going.

#5 – Be your own person outside of the relationship.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all women stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

Every relationship needs healthy relationship boundaries to keep the romance going.

Most couples don ‘ t put thought into boundaries until things start to go wrong. Don ‘ t be that couple. Set boundaries ahead of time so that you can stay on a positive track as you move forward together.

So spend time apart, share the power, treat each other with respect, keep personal hygiene personal and stay yourself. All of those things will lead to the healthy romantic relationship you have always longed for.

5 Emotional Skills Women In The Best Relationships Have Mastered

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I think that most women would say that being in a great relationship is a priority in their life and yet many women struggle with the skills necessary to maintain such a relationship.

There are 5 emotional skills that women in the best relationships have mastered, skills that will allow them to have a great relationship and succeed in other areas of their life.

#1 – Believing in oneself.

This is the most basic skill that a woman must possess to be in the best relationship. Because if a woman doesn ‘ t have a good relationship with herself she will never be able to have a good relationship with others.

Women who don ‘ t believe in themselves look to others to ‘ ˜complete them. ‘ They aren ‘ t confident in their ability to make their way in the world alone and think that without a mate they will never be able to do so.

This lack of self confidence puts an incredible amount of pressure on a partner, to expect them to carry the one they love. Most people are working hard to carry themselves through life and having to carry another is a burden that is often too much to bear. And the relationship fails.

So work hard to believe in yourself. Have your own life and friends and a job that feeds your soul and your self-confidence. Carry your own weight in the world and you will be a good partner in a relationship.

#2 – Being willing and able to communicate.

Communication is essential in every relationship. Without it a relationship is doomed.

Being able to talk to your partner about everything, both the good and the bad, is a key skill to have in a good relationship. If you aren ‘ t able to tell your partner that you love them or appreciate them then you won ‘ t be able to reach the closeness that you desire.

And if you can ‘ t tell your partner that they have hurt you or that you are angry with them, and instead internalize your emotions, then your relationship will fail.

So work hard at developing good communication skills. Make an effort to verbalize your feelings, both good and bad. Tell your partner that you love them every day. Make sure that if something is amiss you talk about it before it grows into something big and destructive.

You will be glad you did.

#3 – The ability to be alone.

Maybe women struggle with being alone. Alone in their home, alone out in the world, alone.

A key part of being in a good relationship is the ability to be happy alone.

Once again, the need to rely on someone else for your happiness and ease can be very destructive in a relationship. If any time that your partner needs to do something without you you get clingy and needy then you will push your partner away.

Make an effort to learn how to be alone. Develop hobbies that you can do when your partner is away. Make plans with friends. Don ‘ t rely on your partner to keep you feeling happy and secure.

Because if you don ‘ t do so you will find yourself alone, permanently.

#4 – Being willing to talk about sex.

For whatever reason many women struggle with being able to talk about sex. And sex is a very important part of a good relationship.

What do I mean by the ability to talk about sex? I mean the ability to communicate with your partner how you feel about the sexual part of your relationship. If you are struggling with some aspect of it or particularly enjoy another.

Sex issues can wreak havoc in a good relationship and if partners aren ‘ t honest about how they are feeling the issues will snowball.

On the other hand, the ability to talk about the good parts of your sex life can only make it better. Being able to tell your partner what you like not only enhances your pleasure but talking about it outside of bed is really, really fun!

So make an effort to share your feelings about sex with your partner. And I can guarantee you if you tell your partner what you like about what he is doing he will happy to accommodate you whenever you want him to.

#5 – Being honest.

No relationship of any kind can survive without honesty.

Why? Because honesty is the basis of trust and without trust a relationship simply can ‘ t succeed.

It is essential that you are honest with your partner about everything, from the small and inconsequential to the very important, scary stuff.

If you don ‘ t like the way he slurps his coffee to the point that you don ‘ t want to drink coffee with him, tell him. If you don ‘ t like that you have to spend every Sunday morning with his parents, tell him.

Because if you are honest with your partner you can work together to resolve an issue. If you don ‘ t tell the truth then the issue will be left to fester and the relationship will founder.

So tell the truth. Let your partner know that they can rely on you to be honest with them about issues in your relationships. And if you do they will respond in kind.

And you will live happily every after!

Being in a good relationship is a wonderful thing a real possibility for people with the 5 emotional skills that women in the best relationships have mastered.

Work every day to develop and perfect the skills necessary to keep your relationship healthy and strong.

Believe in yourself, talk about how you are feelings, be okay with being alone, talk about sex and always be honest. These skills will get your far in your relationship, and in your life.

If you havereadthis far you mustreally want to develop some emotional skills?
I know change can be really, really hard. Let me help! Change IS possible.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

The Most Meaningful Career Success Advice For Women

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A client recently asked me what was the best career success advice for women that I could share with her.

She was a young woman in her mid-20s and just starting out. I have had 30 years out in the work world and she wanted my insight.

After some reflection, I realized that there are 5 pieces of career success advice that I would give any young women as she takes on the crazy world of career building.

#1 – Be self-aware.

The most important part of career success is to know who you are and what you want to do.

Many of us just fall into jobs. Our parents encourage us in one direction, our friends in another. Or perhaps we decide to take a job just because it pays well. Sometimes we take a job thinking that it will be temporary while we figure out what we really want to do.

And then we find ourselves stuck. Stuck in a job that we hate.

Let me tell you that if you don ‘ t have a job that you LOVE you will have a hard time achieving career success.

Take the time before you embark on your career search to examine what you want to be doing for the rest of your life by asking yourself a few questions:

What are your best skills and the ones you most enjoy doing?
What kinds of work interests you the most?
How important is making a lot of money?
Do you feel like you want to help change the world?
How important is work/life balance?

Once you have the answers to these questions you can start your job search with a clear vision of what kind of work you want. And getting the job of your dreams is an excellent beginning to achieving career success.

#2 – Be brave.

I know that this might seem weird in 2017 but many women in the workplace still have a hard time advocating for themselves.

Sheryl Sandberg writes in her book Lean In ‘ ˜that women keep themselves from advancing because they don ‘ t have the self-confidence and drive that men do. ‘

I am not sure that I completely agree with this statement but I know that some elements of it are true.

As women our tendency is to hang back and observe, to reflect before we speak and sometimes to not speak at all. Women are more cautious. Women don ‘ t apply for promotions unless they fit the profile perfectly and are less likely than men to ask for a well-deserved raise.

It is important that women in the workplace today don ‘ t hang back. It is important that women identify who they want to be in the workplace and what they want and go after it with a vengeance.

They must speak up and lead, even in the face of men who might try to push against them. They must believe, deep down, that they CAN do this job and that they will succeed.

#3 – Be honest.

It is important in all areas of life, but especially in the career world, to be honest. Honest with yourself and with others.

First of all, we must be honest with ourselves. Are we doing our best at work? Are we taking responsibility for getting our job done well and when things go awry are we accepting the blame for our errors? Are we honest with our feelings about our boss and our co-workers? Are we honest about how we feel our careers align with our morals and values? Are we clear that we are doing the right thing for ourselves and our families?

We must also be honest with our co-workers. So many women take on more than they can handle because they don ‘ t believe that anyone else can do it as well as they can. As a result, many women are overworked and overwhelmed.

It is important that we allow ourselves to delegate and share, when necessary, and if our co-workers can ‘ t do the work up to company standards then we must be honest with them and show them how to get things done correctly.

Career success is achieved when women know that they are doing the best job that they can do and that they are doing only their job, not the jobs of others. Being honest will prevent overwhelm and enable you to get the recognition that you deserve in the workplace and thereby achieve heightened career success.

#4 – Be forward thinking.

It is so easy to become focused on the day-to-day happenings at work that we stop looking forward to the big picture.

Yes, you have your job but your job is part of the larger workplace. How does your job fit in that workplace? What can you do to be more of an asset to that workplace? How could your job expand in the future to include more responsibility and contribution? Is there a future for you outside of this job? Do you have a plan to get there?

It is important that you always keep your head up at work and are forward thinking. Career success will be achieved when you have an idea and a goal and you have a clear plan to work towards it.

#5 – Be a woman.

Many women believe that in order to be considered equals to men in the workplace we need to act like men. Back in the 70s and 80s, when women were entering the workforce, they wore suits to work, so that they could appear more manly.

Suits are mostly a thing of the past these days but still women tend to try to act like men in the workplace in order to get ahead.

I believe that, rather then act like men, women need to use their skills as a woman to achieve career success.

Women are intuitive. Women can multi-task. Women are excellent communicators. Women are big picture planners. Women have the ability to connect with people on a personal level. Women know how to fly under the radar and get the job done.

So now you see. A woman possesses all of the skills that she needs to be more than successful in her career. She just needs to pull them out of her toolbox and use them. Every day.

Getting meaningful career success advice is vital for any woman entering the workforce.

Women like to get things done, quickly and efficiently, but in the workplace it is essential to look to more experienced women to help them make a plan and achieve success.

Women have all of the skills necessary to achieve that same career success as men they just have to be prepared to use them and use them well. And then, when they add their feminine superpowers to the mix, the sky is the limit.

5 Ways Untreated Depression in Parents Affects Their Children And How to Best Protect Them During Dark Times

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Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It ‘ s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible. As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative affect on children.

Here I will share 5 ways that untreated depression in parents affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times.

#1 – Depression is scary.

For a child depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways – sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure and aggressive themselves.

#2 – Kids blame themselves.

When my daughter was 15 I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? ‘ ˜I am so glad to know that it wasn ‘ t my fault. ‘

Children are so innocent, and so self-centered, and as a result they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this a child can easily internalize their parents depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

#3 – Their parent isn ‘ t parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression they just can ‘ t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days, or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer.

If her mom can ‘ t get out of bed to make her dinner then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it ‘ s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

#4 – Their mom and dad don ‘ t seem to like each other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed the other often struggles to understand what is happening, why their partner can ‘ t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child ‘ s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

#5 – They don ‘ t feel safe at home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression productivity can suffer. As a result one ‘ s home can get dirty, meals don ‘ t get made, laundry doesn ‘ t get done, safety standards don ‘ t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during dark times?

#1 – Be honest with them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy ‘ s sadness or daddy ‘ s anger is the result of something that they can ‘ t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

#2- Explain that it ‘ s not their fault.

More than anything a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren ‘ t their fault.

Understanding that their parents ‘ instability isn ‘ t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child ‘ s shoulders. And that is the very important: to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

#3 – Remove yourself from the situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend ‘ s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

#4 – Get help around the house.

If meals aren ‘ t getting made or the house isn ‘ t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and, if you can ‘ t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

#5 – Seek professional psychiatric help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child.

See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

3 Ways Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ Can Save Your Relationship

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Have you done something to hurt your guy? Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, is he really hurt? Do you want to say I ‘ m sorry and save your relationship?

Have you been trying to apologize, to make him see things from your perspective, to get him to understand your intentions. All to no avail?

Hope is not lost. There are 3 ways to apologize that will help you save your relationship.

Before we begin it is essential that you understand WHAT you have to apologize for.

You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose wife showed up 30 minutes late on a night where she swore she would be home on time. They were supposed to go out with friends of his from out of town. She had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should she need to say I’m sorry? I mean, she was late because of work. She had no control over that.

Of course she needs to apologize! Why? Not because she was kept late at work but because she HURT HIM by not getting home when she said that she would.

Do you see the difference? The slight is that she caused him pain. Whatever she did to cause that pain is irrelevant.The pain is what you are apologizing for.

Get it?

Now that you do, here are 3 ways to say ‘ I ‘ m sorry ‘ and save your relationship.

Sentence #1 – ‘I am sorry that I hurt you.’

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late, and why you aren ‘ t at fault, will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology.

So accept it and say I’m sorry for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘How can I prevent it from happening again?’

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership for how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after he calmed down when he realized that she knew how much he had hurt her, he thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent her from causing him pain. He suggested that next time she knew she was going to be late she call him so that he could change their reservations. He would also know that she knew she was late and that she was sensitive to the situation.

Armed with this knowledge my client’s partner had the tools she needed to stop herself from hurting him in the future when she was going to be late. It was up to her know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘What can I do to make it up to you?’

This one is a fun one. Amends.

So my client ‘ s partner had acknowledged that she had hurt him and did not tried to justify her behavior. Now she wanted to know what she could do to make it up to him ‘ ¦.

Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control my client was given the opportunity to express what he needed to move past this hurt. His partner didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because because people don’t always guess well.

My client suggested that he go out for a quick beer with his friends and that they all get together in the morning for breakfast. He just wanted some time with his friends but he also wanted them to meet her. This plan satisfied both of those needs. And he was happy

Do you see now how the 3 ways to say ‘ ˜I ‘ m sorry ‘ will save your relationship? How recognizing that you have hurt someone and making amends is the key to making it happen?

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way.

It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

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You have been considering life coaching because you have heard that it can change your life. You have might have been in therapy for years and, while it has helped you very much, you know that you are still stuck in many ways.

So now you are considering life coaching and you want to know more.

Let me help!

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

#1 – If therapy is like archeology, life coaching is like architecture.

A wise person once told me that therapy is like archeology. You dig deep into your history and try to sort through what you find to figure yourself out.

In life coaching one takes what one already has, the stuff learned from therapy and the realities that are your life today, and builds on that. You learn how to live fully with all that you carry with you, to shed what you can and to move forward confidently.

While therapy and life coaching both have their benefits, with life coaching you can be sure that you will be doing more than just talking. You will be defining and taking radical, exciting and fun steps to change your life, and your future, right away.

#2 – In life coaching you will learn to identify EXACTLY what it is you want.

The thing about life is that we know when something is missing. When we aren ‘ t happy or fulfilled. The key to change is identifying what exactly is that missing thing.

One of my clients knew that she just wasn ‘ t happy in her marriage. Her husband worked hard, they didn ‘ t argue, was a good father etc. She just wasn ‘ t satisfied. We talked it through and she realized that what was missing was the thing that she needed most to feel loved – communication. Simply talking. About life and stuff and issues. Just talking.

Once we identified what she needed we could make a plan for how to get it.

#3 – In life coaching we will create a step-by-step plan to get what you want.

Once we identified that my client needed more communication in her life we addressed how she could get it.

It wasn ‘ t so simple for my client to just ask for it. She wanted her husband to be the one that initiated it. We talked about whether he had the capacity to do that. To initiate. Some people just don ‘ t. After some thought she realized that he probably didn ‘ t and that she was going to have to make the first move.

She decided, after some conversation with me, that she would ask that they could schedule in some time every day to talk and to put it on the calendar. If it was on the calendar he would initiate, that she knew.

So that ‘ s what she did. And their marriage improved. Sometimes it ‘ s just as easy as that.

#4 – In life coaching you will be held accountable.

Accountability is an essential part of successful life coaching.

When my client sets a goal I am there on the sidelines to make sure it happens. And how do I do that? Pestering and holding her accountable.

I had a client who decided she needed to walk 3 days a week. I knew that if she walked three days a week for 6 weeks she would be able to make it a habit and therefore stick to it. She knew that in the past she had dropped her goal within a week or so and she didn ‘ t want to do that again.

So, for 6 weeks, I would text my client every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to see if she had walked. If she didn ‘ t she would have to confess to it. And she didn ‘ t want to have to do that.

It ‘ s been 6 months and my client is up to 4 days a week and she is feeling great. She says that having my encouragement, and pestering, made all the difference.

#5 – In life coaching you will feel and see tangible results quickly.

Speedy results! This is the wonderful thing about life coaching. You don ‘ t have to wait months and months to see change. Change happens as quickly as you want to make it happen. It relies almost exclusively on you and the work that you are willing to do.

When you identify issues and create goals to get you there you can make things happen. And life coaching is the vehicle that enables you to do that! And fast!

So there you go. 5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy.

Life coaching truly is life changing. And that life change can be yours right now if you reach out to a life coach (like me!) who can help you identify exactly what you want, help you create a path to get there and hold you accountable for making it happen.

Imagine what it would feel like to finally change that thing in your life that is holding you back.

You can do it!

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