5 Ways Untreated Depression in Parents Affects Their Children And How to Best Protect Them During Dark Times

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Living with untreated depression is a horrible thing. Every day is full of hopelessness and despair. Life can seem unbearable. Imagine, then, how untreated depression in parents can affect their children.

Parenting is a 24/7 job. It ‘ s all about modeling good behavior, paying attention, educating and loving our children. Doing these things while depressed can seem almost impossible. As a result, untreated depression can have a huge negative affect on children.

Here I will share 5 ways that untreated depression in parents affects their children and how to best protect your kids during dark times.

#1 – Depression is scary.

For a child depression in a parent is very scary. A child just cannot comprehend why their parent is acting the way that they are.

When depressed, parents can, and do, act a variety of ways – sad, angry, tired, anxious, ambivalent, indifferent, insecure, aggressive. As a result, if those behaviors show up regularly, children can start acting anxious, insecure and aggressive themselves.

#2 – Kids blame themselves.

When my daughter was 15 I shared with her that I had just been diagnosed with depression but that I had probably suffered from it for years.

Her reaction? ‘ ˜I am so glad to know that it wasn ‘ t my fault. ‘

Children are so innocent, and so self-centered, and as a result they believe that anything that happens in the world is a result of them and their actions. Because of this a child can easily internalize their parents depressed feelings and blame themselves for the behaviors.

#3 – Their parent isn ‘ t parenting.

When a parent is suffering from untreated depression they just can ‘ t be the parent that they usually are or want to be.

If a parent is so sad that she must take to her bed for days, or if the depression has made him particularly cranky and impatient, the child will suffer.

If her mom can ‘ t get out of bed to make her dinner then she will have to fend for herself. If her dad is always yelling at her she will feel bad about herself and take to her room.

Parents need to be parents and it ‘ s difficult to be so when they are suffering from untreated depression. And kids need their parents to be parents.

#4 – Their mom and dad don ‘ t seem to like each other.

One of the biggest side effects of untreated depression is relationship instability.

When one partner is depressed the other often struggles to understand what is happening, why their partner can ‘ t just snap out of it. This feeling of helplessness can lead to anger and frustration which in turn interferes with relationship health.

And there is nothing scarier for a child than having her parents not get along. The parental unit is what provides the foundation for a child ‘ s growth. If that is regularly unstable the results can be devastating and permanent.

#5 – They don ‘ t feel safe at home.

Unfortunately, when one suffers from untreated depression productivity can suffer. As a result one ‘ s home can get dirty, meals don ‘ t get made, laundry doesn ‘ t get done, safety standards don ‘ t get met.

As a result, many children of parents living with untreated depression are neglected in some way which forces them to either suffer needlessly or grow up very quickly because they have to take care of themselves from an early age.

How unfair is that?

So, how can you protect your kids during dark times?

#1 – Be honest with them.

If kids, or adults, know what is going on then they are more likely able to deal with it.

Tell your kids if you or your partner is suffering from depression. Explain to them that mommy ‘ s sadness or daddy ‘ s anger is the result of something that they can ‘ t control. Ask them if they have any questions and be willing to answer them.

Being honest will allow your kids to understand, to some degree, what is going on which will alleviate some of their anxiety around the situation.

#2- Explain that it ‘ s not their fault.

More than anything a child needs to hear from his or her parent that the behaviors they are experiencing aren ‘ t their fault.

Understanding that their parents ‘ instability isn ‘ t a result of their actions will take a considerable weight off of a child ‘ s shoulders. And that is the very important: to not let your child blame themselves for your troubles.

#3 – Remove yourself from the situation.

If you are depressed, make every effort to not overexpose your kids to your moods. When you are depressed, if you are able, send your kids to a friend ‘ s house or have your spouse take them out for the afternoon.

Constant exposure to a parent who is suffering from untreated depression can have a significant negative effect on kids. Even a short break from the moodiness can be therapeutic.

#4 – Get help around the house.

If meals aren ‘ t getting made or the house isn ‘ t getting cleaned consider getting someone in to help.

Children need to be taken care of and, if you can ‘ t do it, let someone else. Your kids will thank you someday.

#5 – Seek professional psychiatric help.

The best way to protect your kids during dark times is to get help!

If depression goes on untreated it just gets worse. Early intervention can greatly reduce the effects of depression in a parent on a child.

See your primary care physician immediately. They will help you get treatment right away so that you can protect your kids.

Untreated depression in parents can affect children in a big way.

Kids of parents with untreated depression often suffer from low self-esteem, insecurity and anxiety and often are forced to grow up way too fast.

It is essential that you make an effort to protect your child if you or your partner suffers from untreated depression. Be honest with them, make sure their needs are taken care of and seek help as soon as possible.

They are your children. They deserve the best, whether you are depressed or not.

3 Ways Saying ‘I’m Sorry’ Can Save Your Relationship

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Have you done something to hurt your guy? Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, is he really hurt? Do you want to say I ‘ m sorry and save your relationship?

Have you been trying to apologize, to make him see things from your perspective, to get him to understand your intentions. All to no avail?

Hope is not lost. There are 3 ways to apologize that will help you save your relationship.

Before we begin it is essential that you understand WHAT you have to apologize for.

You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose wife showed up 30 minutes late on a night where she swore she would be home on time. They were supposed to go out with friends of his from out of town. She had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should she need to say I’m sorry? I mean, she was late because of work. She had no control over that.

Of course she needs to apologize! Why? Not because she was kept late at work but because she HURT HIM by not getting home when she said that she would.

Do you see the difference? The slight is that she caused him pain. Whatever she did to cause that pain is irrelevant.The pain is what you are apologizing for.

Get it?

Now that you do, here are 3 ways to say ‘ I ‘ m sorry ‘ and save your relationship.

Sentence #1 – ‘I am sorry that I hurt you.’

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late, and why you aren ‘ t at fault, will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology.

So accept it and say I’m sorry for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘How can I prevent it from happening again?’

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership for how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after he calmed down when he realized that she knew how much he had hurt her, he thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent her from causing him pain. He suggested that next time she knew she was going to be late she call him so that he could change their reservations. He would also know that she knew she was late and that she was sensitive to the situation.

Armed with this knowledge my client’s partner had the tools she needed to stop herself from hurting him in the future when she was going to be late. It was up to her know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘What can I do to make it up to you?’

This one is a fun one. Amends.

So my client ‘ s partner had acknowledged that she had hurt him and did not tried to justify her behavior. Now she wanted to know what she could do to make it up to him ‘ ¦.

Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control my client was given the opportunity to express what he needed to move past this hurt. His partner didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because because people don’t always guess well.

My client suggested that he go out for a quick beer with his friends and that they all get together in the morning for breakfast. He just wanted some time with his friends but he also wanted them to meet her. This plan satisfied both of those needs. And he was happy

Do you see now how the 3 ways to say ‘ ˜I ‘ m sorry ‘ will save your relationship? How recognizing that you have hurt someone and making amends is the key to making it happen?

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way.

It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

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You have been considering life coaching because you have heard that it can change your life. You have might have been in therapy for years and, while it has helped you very much, you know that you are still stuck in many ways.

So now you are considering life coaching and you want to know more.

Let me help!

5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy

#1 – If therapy is like archeology, life coaching is like architecture.

A wise person once told me that therapy is like archeology. You dig deep into your history and try to sort through what you find to figure yourself out.

In life coaching one takes what one already has, the stuff learned from therapy and the realities that are your life today, and builds on that. You learn how to live fully with all that you carry with you, to shed what you can and to move forward confidently.

While therapy and life coaching both have their benefits, with life coaching you can be sure that you will be doing more than just talking. You will be defining and taking radical, exciting and fun steps to change your life, and your future, right away.

#2 – In life coaching you will learn to identify EXACTLY what it is you want.

The thing about life is that we know when something is missing. When we aren ‘ t happy or fulfilled. The key to change is identifying what exactly is that missing thing.

One of my clients knew that she just wasn ‘ t happy in her marriage. Her husband worked hard, they didn ‘ t argue, was a good father etc. She just wasn ‘ t satisfied. We talked it through and she realized that what was missing was the thing that she needed most to feel loved – communication. Simply talking. About life and stuff and issues. Just talking.

Once we identified what she needed we could make a plan for how to get it.

#3 – In life coaching we will create a step-by-step plan to get what you want.

Once we identified that my client needed more communication in her life we addressed how she could get it.

It wasn ‘ t so simple for my client to just ask for it. She wanted her husband to be the one that initiated it. We talked about whether he had the capacity to do that. To initiate. Some people just don ‘ t. After some thought she realized that he probably didn ‘ t and that she was going to have to make the first move.

She decided, after some conversation with me, that she would ask that they could schedule in some time every day to talk and to put it on the calendar. If it was on the calendar he would initiate, that she knew.

So that ‘ s what she did. And their marriage improved. Sometimes it ‘ s just as easy as that.

#4 – In life coaching you will be held accountable.

Accountability is an essential part of successful life coaching.

When my client sets a goal I am there on the sidelines to make sure it happens. And how do I do that? Pestering and holding her accountable.

I had a client who decided she needed to walk 3 days a week. I knew that if she walked three days a week for 6 weeks she would be able to make it a habit and therefore stick to it. She knew that in the past she had dropped her goal within a week or so and she didn ‘ t want to do that again.

So, for 6 weeks, I would text my client every Monday, Wednesday and Friday to see if she had walked. If she didn ‘ t she would have to confess to it. And she didn ‘ t want to have to do that.

It ‘ s been 6 months and my client is up to 4 days a week and she is feeling great. She says that having my encouragement, and pestering, made all the difference.

#5 – In life coaching you will feel and see tangible results quickly.

Speedy results! This is the wonderful thing about life coaching. You don ‘ t have to wait months and months to see change. Change happens as quickly as you want to make it happen. It relies almost exclusively on you and the work that you are willing to do.

When you identify issues and create goals to get you there you can make things happen. And life coaching is the vehicle that enables you to do that! And fast!

So there you go. 5 Life-Changing Ways that Life Coaching is Different from Therapy.

Life coaching truly is life changing. And that life change can be yours right now if you reach out to a life coach (like me!) who can help you identify exactly what you want, help you create a path to get there and hold you accountable for making it happen.

Imagine what it would feel like to finally change that thing in your life that is holding you back.

You can do it!

5 Things I Learned Today When I Spoke Up For Myself

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My kids spent this weekend in Maine with my ex-husband. Again. Second weekend in a row. Another one next week.

These weekends are very hard for me because my kids are part of a Brady Bunch family: two parents and their kids combined to make a new family. My children have a new family that doesn ‘ t include me. And it sucks.

All weekend I had been looking forward to spending today with my daughter. Yesterday she informed me that because they hadn ‘ t made bus reservations they wouldn ‘ t be back to NYC in time for our date. Our plans for today were shot.

I was furious. I wanted to scream and yell. But I didn ‘ t.

Here is the story of what I did instead.

#1 – I learned what was really upsetting me.

When I found out that my kids weren ‘ t going to be home when they said they would be I flew off the handle. All I could think about was the incompetency of my ex – how if he had planned ahead with bus reservations this wouldn ‘ t have happened. How unfair it was that he left me and that he lured the kids up to his house with alcohol and shotguns.

And then I thought about how my kids took me for granted and that I gave so much to them and that they gave me very little back. They didn ‘ t respect how upset the whole thing made me. If they did they would behave differently, my angry mind told me.

And then, because I couldn ‘ t reach anybody on the phone to yell at, I was forced to calm down. And when I calmed down it all became clearer.

Yes, I was frustrated at the lack of planning but that is nothing new and nothing that I could change. What I was really upset about was the fact that I wouldn ‘ t be spending the day with my daughter. I so enjoy the time we spend together and I wouldn ‘ t get it. (It didn ‘ t help that she would be with her father instead of me but that is for another blog).

I also realized that, to a certain extent, I felt like my kids really did take me for granted. I felt like I was always available for them and that they were rarely available for me.

Both of things were making me sad. It manifested itself as anger but I was sad.

#2 – I learned what I really wanted.

I asked myself next what I would want if I was in charge of the world?

I know I would like to make my ex and my kids better planners but I knew from experience that that wasn ‘ t likely to change. And I also know that I can only change my reactions to their behaviors because I can ‘ t change them.

So what did I want that I could have?

I know that I want to spend more time with my kids and I wanted to not feel taken for granted. I wanted them to make a little bit more of an effort to respond to my texts, to show a little more respect for my presence in their lives. And to spend time with me when possible.

Not too much to ask, no?

#3 – I learned how to share what I wanted in a non-critical way.

Okay, so now that I knew what I wanted I had to figure out how to talk to my kids without appearing critical or making them defensive. I knew that they weren ‘ t making me feel this way on purpose and I really just wanted to let them know how their actions were affecting me.

To do this I talked to them about how I was feeling. I told them that I felt like I was being supportive about the time they spent with their father (and they agreed) and that I felt sad when their lack of planning with their father interfered with the limited time I spent with them.

I told them that I knew I couldn ‘ t compete with the amusement park that was their dad ‘ s house but that I just wanted them to make a little more effort with me. And made clear to them that a little more effort was as simple as returning my texts. And maybe spending some time with me when possible.

And that was it.

#4 – I learned how to ensure that the message landed.

After I shared with them how I felt I encouraged them to respond to anything I had said. That they could push back in any way and I was open to talking about it all. They did both speak up but only to say that they understood exactly where I was coming from. That they were still trying to navigate the new world their parents divorce had put them in and that they would try to make a better effort in the future.

They did have a few excuses, as kids would have, and I let them speak them and pushed back enough for them to understand that excuses didn ‘ t make it better. They got it.

After lunch I thanked my kids for listening to me. My son said ‘ Not only did we listen to you but we heard you. ‘ And then I got hugs.

#5 – I learned that speaking up for myself felt really, really good.

I walked away from the whole situation feeling on top of the world. Instead of railing on my ex-husband and my kids for their lack of planning, I was able to turn this painful occurrence into a vehicle for change. The situation was not a new one to me and I had been biting my tongue about it all for a while. I finally stopped doing so.

And because I stopped doing so it is possible that something that has been causing me a lot of pain for a long time might be resolved.

How amazing is that?

So many of us, myself included, have a hard time speaking up for and advocating for ourselves. A big part of that is because we don ‘ t know exactly what it is that we want and without that knowledge it ‘ s hard to ask for it.

Follow my steps. Figure out what exactly it is you want and ask for it. Ask for it in a way that ‘ s not critical but that speaks to how you feel. You might be surprised at how much people want to give you what you want and will if they know what exactly it is.

Try it. You might feel like I do this glorious afternoon. Amazing.

If you gotthefar it must mean that you have something to say?
Let me help, NOW, before you go silent for good.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

8 Ways To Show Someone You Love Them Truly

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How important is it to show someone you love them? Very!

Are you in love? Isn ‘ t it wonderful? Every day you share with your person is a new and wonderful day. You hope that you feel like this forever.

Unfortunately, you won ‘ t. That early, heady love is amazing, but it ‘ s not sustainable. Doctors say that if people felt forever the way they do in the first six months of a relationship, it would actually kill them. Too many endorphins can damage the heart. Ironic no?

Fortunately, the next phase of love, the settling in for the long game, can be a wonderful thing too if you do it right.

So, How Do You Show Someone You Love Them Truly?

# 1- Love them as they want to be loved.

I truly believe that one of the best tools in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman ‘ s 5 Love Languages. Go to Amazon right now and download it onto your Kindle.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language, they don ‘ t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, and focusing on me. My ex-husbands ‘ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that too.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Languages at www.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a short quiz that you and your partner can both take, and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

#2 – Talk to them.

For women, an important part of being loved is feeling connected. Men often don’t understand what that means to be connected to a woman.

I have a client who wants his girlfriend to know that he loves her. He thinks that the best way to do that is by making sure they have good memories. So, he arranges trips and dinners and other expensive things, hoping to create wonderful memories.

His girlfriend has expressed her dismay that he is spending so much money on her, and he brushed it off, telling her that she was worth it. She wasn’t happy.

I suggested that he tell her that he recognizes and respects her concerns and that he has arranged some free things that they can do together to build memories. She was happy.

For women, being seen, heard, understood and acknowledged is an important part of feeling loved.

#3 – Let them take care of you.

Everyone enjoys taking care of someone, but many of us are really bad at letting people take care of us. One of the best things that you can do to show someone you love them is to let them take care of you.

Think about how good it feels when you do something nice for someone and how it connects you to that person and makes you feel good about yourself.

So imagine how good it would feel for your partner to do something for you. So let him! Even if you can do it for yourself, let him do it. Let him feel good about helping you. It is an excellent way to show someone you love them – to let them show you the same.

#4 – Share their passions.

I have a client whose boyfriend LOVES working on cars. LOVES it. He worked on cars with his father, and he does so now with his son, and he would rather work on cars than just about anything.

This love was driving my client crazy because he wanted to spend time with her but also wanted to work on his car. So i suggested a compromise.

I suggested that she try to get interested in some aspects of his car work and learn from him so that she could spend time with him. In exchange, he would be willing to spend some time with her, doing things other than car work.

By supporting your partner’s passions, you are letting them know that you respect and love who they are as a person. And sulking in a corner because you don’t like what he is doing isn’t going to buy you any love at all.

#5 – Support their goals.

I know it has happened to all of us that our partner comes up with some pie-in-the-sky idea that is the new driving force in their lives. It ‘ s exciting and new, and all they want to talk about.

And I am sure it has happened to all of us that we think our partner ‘ s new idea is crazy.

I remember in college, my soccer-playing, skiing, manly-man of a boyfriend turned to me after a dance performance and announced that he wanted to be a dancer. I actually laughed in his face. This was 30 years ago, and I still remember the hurt look in his eyes. He never became a dancer.

To this day, I wish I had supported him. That ‘ s what people who love each other do for each other. He might never have become a dancer, but having the person who loved him believe in him would have been such a gift. Even better would not have been on the receiving end of my derision.

So support them. No matter what.

#6 – Don ‘ t be critical.

You know how you feel when you go to visit your in-laws and your mother-in-law makes some passive-aggressive, disparaging comment about something you did. Do you know how shitty that makes you feel? And you don ‘ t even really like your mother-in-law.

So imagine what your partner, who loves you, must feel like when you are critical of them.

I have a client whose wife gives him the one over every time they are headed out the door. She tells him if his hair is out of place or if his shirt is right or if he is carrying the right bag for the task ahead. And while she is quick to say Your pants have a hole in them, she never says You are perfect today, honey. Thank you.

My client at first tried to anticipate what his wife might want, but as time went on, he only felt resentment towards her criticism. He actually started not only making choices that he knew would antagonize her, but he ignored whatever she mentioned at the door.

So be careful not to be critical. If you have something to say, say it with love. And if it doesn ‘ t need to be said, don ‘ t say it. Life will go on if his hair isn ‘ t just right.

#7 – Forgive them for things big and small.

There is nothing more insidious in a relationship than not forgiving someone for a wrong. And for some reason couples who love each other are really, really good at not forgiving each other. If someone does something wrong, nothing they can do will make up for that wrong. And that wrong will be played out verbally, over and over, forever.

People are only human. We do things that hurt people. Rarely do we do things to hurt someone on purpose. And yet, in relationships, we often take the thing that someone does to us so personally that we refuse to believe that they didn ‘ t set out to hurt us. And that is unforgivable.

I have a client whose partner was so late getting home one night that he missed a date they had planned. He was delayed at work and then got stuck in traffic, and it was a disaster. She took it personally. If you loved me, she said, you would have gotten home on time. And she truly believed what she said.

The reality is is that he DOES love her. He just didn ‘ t allow enough time. And he blew it, but he does love her. And it ‘ s important for her to understand that. And it makes it easier to forgive. He was late. He didn ‘ t plan well. He blew it. And he does love her.

Of course another piece of forgiveness is that the wrong-doer must apologize for the hurt caused. Because therein lies the issue that will carry forth forever – the hurt. Not so much the actions but the resulting feelings.

So don ‘ t take things personally. And apologize for the hurt. Forgive and move on.

#8 – Never show contempt.

If there is one thing that kills love, it ‘ s contempt. Do anything that you can to keep it out of your relationship.

Contempt seems to rear its ugly head when wrongs fester, when people don ‘ t forgive when being critical is the norm and respect is lost. Contempt manifests itself with derisive comments about your partner and comments about who they are as a person.

My ex-husband had a really hard time getting things done around the house. I told him, over and over, that if he was my employee, I would fire him. And I wouldn ‘ t say it in a loving way. I would say it dismissively, almost with a wave of my hand. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be on the receiving end of my contempt.

Therapists say that when they see contempt in a relationship they know that it ‘ s close to over. So if you find yourself acting contemptuously, STOP, assess and figure out what needs to be done.

Don ‘ t let contempt kill love because it will.

Of course, there are obvious ways to show someone that you love them. You hug them and kiss them and have sex with them and tell them that they are wonderful and hang out with their friends and visit their mother. All of those things are an excellent way to show you someone you love them.

But they will have a hard time accepting your love if you aren ‘ t willing to forgive them if you can ‘ t support them and are constantly critical of them. Back up your kisses with words and actions, and they will know that you are the one for them.

If you have read this far you must really love someone and want them to know.
Let me help you, NOW, before they get away!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Things I WISH My Parents Had Taught Me – Even Though I Know They Did Their Best

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One thing I know more than anything else is how hard it is to be a parent. We are thrown into the job with no training, and it ‘ s a total crap shoot as to how successful we will be. Now that I am a parent, there are things that I wish my parents had taught me.

I know that back in 1965, when they had me, my parents had nothing but good intentions. I also know that they were young and inexperienced and didn ‘ t necessarily have the best role models in their own parents.

All that being said, there are definitely some things I wish that they had passed on, things that I would not have had to figure out on my own.

#1 – Marriage is complicated.

So here is the thing. I knew from observation that my parent ‘ s marriage was challenging. I knew that my mom put my dad firmly behind the kids and the dogs on her priority list, that she snapped at him easily and that he retreated into his office soon after we had dinner.

What I didn ‘ t know was WHY all of this happened. I went into my own marriage with the knowledge of how my parents treated each other, but I had no idea how, in the context of marriage, to prevent it from happening.

Before I knew it my husband was firmly behind the kids and the dogs on my priority list, I treated him terribly, and he retreated into his office nightly. And, like my parents, we ended up divorced.

I wish my parents had sat me down before I got married and really talked about their experiences in their marriage. What they would have done differently, and what they have learned in the ensuing years. I have already talked to my 20 years olds about what happened in my failed marriage, not placing blame but talking about circumstances and being human.

#2- Fidelity is important.

Fidelity was not a theme that played out in my parent ‘ s marriage. It was the 70s, and women had just entered the workforce, and at-work relationships were becoming more and more the norm. And it wasn ‘ t just my dad who strayed ‘ ¦.my mom fell back in love with a man she knew before she was married.

So the model for me when I was in my teens, in those super important years where we learn, from the example our parents set, about how love and relationships work, was two parents who weren ‘ t committed to each other. And two parents who were lying to each other and to us about this very important thing.

I have to admit that, perhaps because of this example, fidelity has not been something that I have always practised in relationships. I know that it has played a great part in why I have had so many failed ones. I just haven’t been able to commit to anyone in a way that makes for fulfilling, long-lasting love. I am learning but it would have been a huge gift to know how to do so a long time ago.

#3 – Mental illness can run in the family.

I spent a substantial part of my life depressed. I lived with a constant sense of hopelessness and despair. I hated every part of my life and didn ‘ t understand why anyone would want to live. I didn ‘ t know that I was different from everyone else ‘ ¦I thought that everyone hated living as much as I did.

My mother used to come up to my room and yell at me because I didn ‘ t ever want to leave it. She accused me of being rude and lazy, and selfish. She would berate me for being shy at social functions and for sleeping so much. It was not fun to be me.

When I was 42, I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. When I called my mother to tell her she said Oh, your grandfather and your great-grandfather both had Bipolar disorder. Seriously?

What a gift it would have been all those 42 years if I had had a name for how I was suffering. Perhaps I could have been treated, and my life might not have been the hell that it was for so many years. But mental illness was not something that was talked about back then. I so wish it had been.

Do you want to talk about things your parents didn’t say? I will listen!

#4 – Don ‘ t have sex with someone just because they want to.

I don ‘ t ever remember having the love/sex conversation with my mom. I am guessing we had it but perhaps not. What I do know is that she never told me that I needed to enter into the world of boys and sex with caution.

When boys discovered me, I was young, naïve and starved for love. My dad had recently moved far away with his new wife. I was lost and confused, and lonely. And then boys appeared.

There is nothing like a teenage boy to make a teenage girl ‘ s head spin. One was so charming and attentive and full of compliments. I took his attention in like a starving refugee. And when he wanted something from me in return for his attention, I was happy to oblige. He really, really liked me, after all, so why not let him do what he wanted?

My relationship with this boy was over soon after, and I was left adrift, lonelier than before. A teacher took me under her wing and explained to me that what I had was precious and that I had to treat it that way. That I had to have respect for myself and not let anyone take anything away from me unless I wanted to give it. I was confused at first, but I soon understood, and going forward, I was careful not to let any boy get the best of me.

#5 – It ‘ s all about forgiveness.

My mother was the queen of holding a grudge. She loved people madly, but if they crossed her, she was done with them. The list of people who ‘ aren ‘ t invited to my funeral ‘ was quite a long one. My dad was on it. And my ex-husband. She would never get over the wrongs that either one of them had done to her and to those she loved.

This example did not serve us kids well. We learned to judge people for their actions and not look at them with compassion and understanding of their humanness. As a result, we lost friends and lovers in our belief that we were always right and that those who had hurt us should be cast out.

It is really only now, in the aftermath of being left by my husband and the ensuing messiness, that I have learned to understand that we are all doing the best that we can and that forgiving is the best way to be able to move on in a healthy way.

My mother died of pancreatic cancer at 72. I truly believe that at least some of her tumour was the result of hanging onto so much anger and resentment for so long. Not letting go of bad feelings is unhealthy not only for our minds but for our bodies. If we can release them, they will not fester and cause damage.

Our parents really do the best that they can with what they are given. No one gives us a manual about how to parent as we leave the hospital with our newborn. All we know is what we already know. And we do the best we can with that knowledge.

What I do know is my parents loved me and took care of me, and made me, at least in part, into the person that I am today. And for that, I am thankful.

3 Reasons Why He Won’t Change – Even If He Wants To

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I have a client who is in a new relationship. She loves her man but has some very real hesitations. The most notable one is that she feels like he doesn ‘ t make her a priority. She feels taken for granted and certainly not cherished. She has told him that she feels this way, hoping for change. And, in spite of his assertions that he loves her, it just doesn ‘ t happen.

Why, you wonder, can ‘ t her boyfriend, who loves her, change his behavior? Because of a very frustrating, but very real, thing known as resistance.

Resistance is a trait found in all of us ‘ ¦a trait that makes us hesitant to do anything that might bring about change. Even if it ‘ s for the better.

Resistance makes us want to put the brakes on and never release them.

Resistance is something we often aren ‘ t even aware of but it affects almost every decision we make.

Resistance can end great things before they even start.

So why won’t he make the change you want him to?

#1 – Fear of Change.

Resistance is based on the fear of change. And people are really, really afraid of change.

When faced with the idea of change most people ‘ s reactions are ‘ Things are just fine this way. Why would I want to do anything differently? ‘

Resistance to change in love can have a devastating effect. There are two people in a relationship and two peoples whose needs need to be met. When one person asks for something different the other person needs to consider if they are willing to adapt to keep the relationship moving forward.

And that is the key. Adaptation. If one person needs something different then a conversation needs to be had.

My client expressed her needs very clearly. She knew that he heard what she said and he even said that he would try to put her first. But he didn ‘ t. Or couldn ‘ t. And it hurt her.

The best way to overcome fear of change is communication. Talk to each other. Compromise. Make each other a priority.

#2 – Fear of Ability.

The second piece of resistance is one ‘ s fear of the ability to do what someone asks. Does the person being asked fear that they will not be able to do what is being asked of them?

That can be paralyzing.

Perhaps my client ‘ s beau didn ‘ t know if he was capable of making her a priority. Perhaps he knew that his bike and the kids would always come first. But he knew if he expressed that he might lose her. So instead of explaining that fear he kept quiet.

The result? She was devastated by his continued actions and I am sure he didn ‘ t feel very good about it either.

The best way to overcome fear of ability is communication. If he had been able to express his anxiety perhaps they could have worked together to find a solution.

#3 – Fear of Outcome.

The last piece of resistance is the fear of outcome.

So many of the reasons that people don ‘ t take action is that they are scared of how it will all turn out. They know, to a certain extent, how things will turn out if they stay on the current path but have no idea what will happen if they change course.

For my client ‘ s boyfriend he knew that the way he had acted so far had resulted in his winning this amazing girl and still being able to excel on his bike and support his kids in a loving and productive way.

What would happen if he started putting her first? Would his bike and his kids suffer? He didn ‘ t want them to suffer but he also didn ‘ t want to lose her. Maybe they wouldn ‘ t suffer but was it worth the risk?

He was afraid. So he chose his bike and his children, hoping that she would understand. He didn ‘ t talk to her about his decision and as a result he hurt her more.

The best way to overcome the fear of outcome is communication. She needed to know how he was feeling. They could have talked it through. She might have understood.

It is important to know that while fear of change can play a destructive role in relationships it is not, most likely, a reflection of the emotions that the resistor feels for his loved one.

He most likely loves her madly but is unwilling, or unable, to face and overcome his resistance. So it is up to her. Is she willing to live not being a priority? How important is it to her? Can she be in this relationship knowing he loves her and have that be enough?

For my client that wasn ‘ t enough. She expressed her needs and he continued to resist and she walked away. She knew she wanted to be cherished and set out finding someone who could do so.

Are you struggling with a man who won’t change?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before it destroys your relationship!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Top Secrets That the Happiest Couples Already Know

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Do you know those friends of yours who always look so happy together? The ones who you know not only look happy but who are happy? Together. Don ‘ t you sometimes just hate them? Don’t you wonder about the top secrets that the happiest couples already know?

What do they know that you don ‘ t know? That is always the question whispered among those who wish they, too, could be so happy.

Here are the answers.

#1 – Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex.

So, let ‘ s just start with the obvious one.

Every happily married couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other ‘ s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.

I have a client whose husband wants to have sex EVERY night, and while she really likes having sex with him, every night just doesn ‘ t work for her. She used to just rebuff his advances, which made him feel bad, but on my advice, she talked to him about it. She explained how she felt; they agreed that she would be the instigator and that she would instigate often. That worked for both of them, and they were happy.

So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.

Sounds fun, right?

#2 – Equitable division of labor.

I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What is the differentiating factor that exists between the two?Equality in the execution of chores.

My 15-year-old daughter did a survey for school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group? She discovered that those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.

Why? Because chores are a HUGE bone of contention for many couples. HUGE.

What usually happens is that the person ‘ in charge ‘ delegates the chores to their spouse. The ‘ in charge ‘ person has expectations about the execution of the chore, and if it ‘ s not done within the expected time or in the expected way, tensions flair. The delegator takes it personally and lashes out, and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were.

If both people are responsible for the delegation and execution of the chores, then a huge issue just disappears. Things get done or don ‘ t, and both partners are responsible.

So, my daughter reported my ex-husband ‘ s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work, and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister-in-law and her husband, who equally shared home responsibilities, are living happily ever after.

I wish she had done this research earlier ‘ ¦

#3 – Inside jokes.

What really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.

Happy couples are like a little island unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities, but they also have things that they only share with each other, inside jokes.

Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father-in-law says something, something that he ALWAYS says and that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made, and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.

Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can ‘ t be beat for keeping couples close.

#4 – Pie in the sky hopes and dreams.

Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together.

Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours would be spent talking about the future – the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after. And then life happens. Day-to-day living gets in the way of those dreams.

But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done.

So dream big. Or small. But dream together.

#5 – Putting each other first. Period.

Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.

And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize when you no longer have a partner is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don ‘ t have a partner.

So make your partner your priority. Every day.

Work is important, but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15-mile run? Go for it, but if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it. A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. Movie negotiable. The phone? Put it down.

Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, goodwill, sex, happiness. Arguably more life-enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect scores on their SAT.

Being part of happy couple isn ‘ t something that just happens. It, like all of the best things in life, takes concerted effort.

That effort at work pays off with a raise. That effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make that effort with your partner and be one of those truly happy couples?

So listen to the top secrets that the happiest couples already know. Go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love and fall asleep happy.

It will all be worth it. I promise.

If you are still reading this, it’s your goal to be one of the world’s happiest couples.

Let me help you NOW, so you can reach you goal sooner!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started.

5 Most Important Questions To Ask Someone On A First Date

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Are you wondering what questions you must ask someone on a first date?

We all go into our first dates hoping for the best. Hoping that this will be the ONE who will end our lonely days forever. And with that hope comes a reluctance to ask questions.

Why? Because we often don ‘ t want to know the answers.

It ‘ s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time developing a relationship. Without knowing the facts, you could miss some serious red flags and waste a HUGE amount of time in your search for the ONE.

And we don ‘ t want that. So ask away…

Here are the 5 Most Important Questions To Ask On A First Date:

#1 – Are you married?

Seriously? Do you need to ask that question? The answer is a resounding YES!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages, and some of them just want to fool around. Either way, you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married person. Being involved with a married person brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find the ONE, no matter what he tells you.

And that is the goal right? Finding the ONE?

#2 – How long have you been single?

Once you know they are single it ‘ s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend that you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular breakups do not, and the recovery period is longer. A newly divorced person just won ‘ t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage break up, that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship. You do NOT want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a period of time, not just because they have had time to recover from a breakup but because it ‘ s more likely that they are no longer attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else, do they?

#3 – Are you employed?

One of the first questions we ask when we meet anyone is ‘ What do you do? ‘ It ‘ s what Americans do. And it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question is ‘ Are you currently working? ‘

The reasons you want to know the answer to this question? Because you want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure.

Financial security is obvious. No one wants to get involved with someone who can ‘ t carry his or her weight financially. Emotional security is a tougher one.

People who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally. They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs. All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self-esteem.

Insecurity and low self-esteem are not things that lend themselves well to a healthy relationship. And DON ‘ T think that you can fix them because you can ‘ t.

So ask not only ‘ What do you do ‘ but ‘ Where do you do it? ‘

Want to talk first dates? Me too! Let’s do it….

#4 – Do you get along with your family?

Really? Knowing how someone gets along with his or her family is important.

The family is the fundamental relationship of someone ‘ s life and how they interact with that family is important to know.

If your date talks about the close relationship he has with his siblings and that his mother drives him nuts but that he talks to her every Sunday then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who he hasn ‘ t seen in years, then it is possible the deep emotional connection might be more difficult for him. Why? Because the basic human connection that we make as children influence who we are as grown-ups. And someone who has a rough relationship with his family could be tough to truly connect with.

So ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

#5 – Do you have kids?

This one is SO important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, THE priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that ‘ s okay with you. Maybe you have kids, too and understand the priorities. Or maybe you are willing to make his kids your priority as well.

But maybe it ‘ s not. Maybe you want to always be first or maybe you just aren ‘ t ready to have kids. And that ‘ s okay.

So ask the question. Because kids will always come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

Dating is time-consuming and emotionally fraught, and really you don ‘ t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises any red flags at all. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

So ask the questions. Get your answers early. Get your answers so you can decide to fish or cut bait right away because there are other fish in the sea. Fish who might be better for you. And tastier.

Going on a first date and feeling nervous?
Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work

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You have done something to hurt someone. Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, that person is really hurt. And you want to fix it. You know you need an apology that will work.

You have been trying to apologize, to make them see things from your perspective, to get them to understand your intentions. All to no avail. Hope is not lost.

There is a way to apologize that will be both heard and accepted. Read on to learn how. Before we begin, you have to understand WHAT you have to apologize for. You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose husband showed up 30 minutes late on a night when he swore he would be home on time. They were supposed to go out for her birthday, and she had made special dinner reservations. He had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should he need to apologize? I mean, he was late because of work. He had no control over that. Of course, he needs to apologize!

Why? Not because he was kept late at work but because he HURT HER by not getting home when he said that he would. Do you see the difference? The slight is that he caused her pain.

Whatever he did to cause that pain is irrelevant. That is what you are apologizing for causing them pain. Get it?

Sentence #1 – ‘ I am sorry that I hurt you. ‘

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late and why you weren ‘ t at fault will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology. So accept it and apologize for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘ How can I prevent it from happening again? ‘

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership of how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after she calmed down when she realized that her husband knew how much he had hurt her, she thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent him from causing her pain. She suggested that the next time he knew he was going to be late, he called her so that she could change their reservations. She would also know that he knew he was late and that he was sensitive to the situation, which could help her from getting hurt.

Armed with this knowledge my client ‘ s husband had the tools he needed to stop himself from hurting his wife in the future when he was going to be late. It was up to him to know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘ What can I do to make it up to you? ‘

This one is a fun one. Amends. So my client ‘ s husband acknowledged that he had hurt her and did not try to justify his behaviour. Now he wanted to know what he could do to make it up to her ‘ ¦. Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control, my client was given the opportunity to express what she needed to move past this hurt.

Her husband didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because husbands aren ‘ t always good at guessing. My client suggested a bottle of very nice champagne at home with some birthday cake. The kids were off at a friend ‘ s house, and having some alone time just the two of them was what she wanted most anyway. He was, of course, happy to accommodate, and the night ended very well indeed.

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone, and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way. It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

 

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really need to apologize for something.

Let me help you, NOW, before too much time passes.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

 

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