5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even as Your Heart is Breaking

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If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Letting go of love is not easy, but it is possible. Just follow these steps, and before you know it, you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and move on with your life.

#1 – Ask yourself how determined you are to do this.

Before you begin any life-changing process, you must ask yourself how determined you are to do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren ‘ t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a yes, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer, and with some time, you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

#2 – Cut him off.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say, and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other, why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple?

So when you have decided that the relationship is over, cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, and stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. Do you know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided you are determined to break yourself out of.

So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#3- Ask yourself what it is that you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn ‘ t the man for her, and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client, it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated her and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning, and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn ‘ t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn ‘ t, and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core, actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn ‘ t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn ‘ t have a future together, but their past, their experiences together, and how she felt about him was something that she wanted to hold on to, not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion, my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn ‘ t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

Need some help letting going of love? I can help. Just let me know….

#4 – Ask yourself what is true and what you have made up in your head.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships, but, unfortunately, often, these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted, and if her boyfriend loved her enough, he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn ‘ t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful, there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn ‘ t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn ‘ t want, and stack them up next to what she did want her hopes and dreams. When she did, she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge, she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Ask yourself what it is you really want in a relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want, you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in a relationship with you. It doesn ‘ t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, that he won ‘ t match up with many of the things on that list, and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can ‘ t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn ‘ t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love, but in the meantime, you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

Do you struggling with letting go of love?
Let me help, NOW, before your heart break even more!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

5 Ways to Cultivate An Iron Clad Self-Esteem

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Dictionary.com defines self esteem as ‘ a realistic respect for or a favorable impression of oneself. ‘ Sounds easy enough, right? Unfortunately, not so much.

Many of us live with a self-esteem that does not serve us. We don ‘ t believe that we are all that. That we are beautiful or kind or smart or thoughtful or successful or worthy. Instead, many of us believe that we will never amount to much in this world and we question whether we will ever succeed at anything, be it at love, at work or at getting healthy.

Tragically, our self-esteem gets destroyed by a lifetime of experiences, negative experiences that gradually eat away at the healthy self-esteem we are born with.

Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild your self-esteem. Rebuild it stronger than ever so that you are not afraid to take on the world and make your world what you want it to be.

#1 – Get out of that relationship that doesn ‘ t serve you.

Are you in a relationship with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself in any way? Does your partner make you feel less than for not making your bed or for how you dress? Do they go out and do things with their friends and leave you alone, lonely? Do they refuse to talk about your feelings when you need them most?

If you are with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself GET OUT.

I have a client who is at a turning point in her life and she needs some time by herself to figure things out. She still loves her man and she has tried to explain to him what she has been thinking. Not only does he not get it and not support her but he also told her that she is ‘ out of her mind. ‘

And how did she react? She believed him. Because her self-esteem told her that he was right and that the way he was treating her was what she deserved.

I begged to disagree and worked with her as she distanced herself from the relationship. She set out doing her work, building her self-esteem, and eventually she was able to see clearly what she really deserved in a relationship – someone who respected and cherished her.

Not the man who told her she was ‘ out of her mind. ‘

So ditch any partner who doesn ‘ t make you feel 100%. There are plenty of people out there who can and will help you feel great!

#2 – Accomplish something BIG.

There is no better way to build a steely self-esteem than setting a goal and reaching it.

Now is the time to think of something that you have always wanted to accomplish and make it happen.

My client who was trying to find her place in the world had always longed to have a health and wellness program at her farm. She had grand ideas but had a hard time getting started on making the program happen. Working together with me, we created a step-by-step plan for her to have a Wellness Weekend at her farm. She reached out to a friend whose expertise complemented hers and together they worked to create a weekend retreat for 10 women, one where they learned about health and wellness and self care.

How did my client feel after accomplishing her goal? Like a million bucks. Not only did she inspire 10 women to live healthier lives but by taking the actions necessary to make her dreams come to fruition she knew that she could take on the world and conquer it.

Kind of like a superhero, right? Unvanquishable!

#3 – Get your swagger on.

I have a friend who always says that he loves it when I get my ‘ swagger on. ‘ I, like everyone else, have periods of time when I don ‘ t feel so good about myself and I have learned that the best way to get through those times quickly is to make doing what makes me feel good a priority.

I always try to eat well, get enough sleep, walk and do yoga every day. By doing so my body feels strong and healthy and my mind relatively clear. For me, the next step to making myself feel good is to encase that strong body in a tight pair of jeans, put on some cowboys boots and take myself out onto the streets of New York City. Getting my swagger on.

What gets your swagger on? Is it having your hair done every month? Power walking in the afternoon while listening to the Hamilton soundtrack? Reading every book on the NYT bestseller list?

Whatever it takes to make you feel like you can step out of your front door and walk down the street with a bit of swagger.

Your self-esteem is built on swagger.

#4 – Give of yourself to others.

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can help build an iron clad self-esteem more than doing something for someone else. Truly, nothing.

When I was going through my divorce my self-esteem was at it’s lowest. On the advice of a friend I started volunteering weekly at the local food bank. Four hours a week of helping other people get food to eat, for themselves and their families, made me feel so good. And not because I felt lucky because I wasn ‘ t in their position but because I knew that I had made a substantial, positive difference in their lives. It made my heart sing.

Many of us don ‘ t have time to volunteer but we can make a difference in other ways. Hold the door open for someone, buy that homeless person sitting outside the grocery store a sandwich, reach out to a friend you know is going through a hard time, give up your seat on the subway.

There is nothing like being on the receiving end of a smile of gratitude to wake up your self-esteem. And once it ‘ s awake it will be hungry for more.

So try it. Reach out and make a difference in someone ‘ s life today

#5 – Spend time with those who love you.

You know those people who have known you forever and who love you completely and totally, no matter how many times you have screwed up and disappointed them. Yes, those people. Those people are the people who you want to spend time with.

My client who was trying to find herself and whose boyfriend wasn ‘ t being supportive was really struggling to find the strength to do what she needed to do. She was prepared to settle back into the life she had. It wasn ‘ t perfect but it was good enough. Right?

Lucky for her, one of her oldest friends was in town and a dinner was arranged for the two of them and a third member of their mommy posse. It was exactly what she needed.

Her friends did not hesitate to remind her of how awesome she was. They pointed to specific examples of where she had succeeded in the past, how loved and supported she was by others, how important she was to the world. By loving and supporting her so completely they gave steel to her self-esteem, allowing it to remind her that there was nothing that she couldn ‘ t do because she had done it before.

Your posse is your self-esteem ‘ s best friend!

When we are born we are gifted with the belief that we can do anything. Without it we might never learn to walk or talk or read or sing or love. Unfortunately, life experience can gradually rip our self-esteem to shreds.

Luckily, YOU can rebuild it. Rebuild it so that it ‘ s bigger and stronger than it ever was before. Spend time only with those who love you, take care of yourself and others and make something BIG happen. Your self-esteem will be iron clad in no time.

You can do it! We both know you can!

Need more help rebuilding your self-esteem? Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let me help.

5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship – Even If You Are Really Struggling

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Have you heard that sex can save your relationship, and are you wondering how? Can your relationship, one that is really struggling, one in which you no longer laugh and the closeness has disappeared, be saved?

Well, let me tell you that YES! Sex can save your relationship.

“Wait,” you say. “What? No way. I am not having sex with HIM. ‘

Yes, you can. And you should!

Why can great sex save your relationship?

How Sex Can Save Your Relationship? 5 Great Ways

#1 – The Connection.

Sex between two people who care about each other is about connection. Intimate non-verbal connection. In many ways, the most important kind of connection because it is purely organic.

When two people are struggling, it can be difficult to connect verbally without making a mess. But the act of holding hands and kissing, of touching and pressing your bodies close, can allow connection without words. The connection is, in many ways, more effective than talking.

So try it. Try the touching and the kissing, and the rolling around. It just might open things up between the two of you in a life changing way.

#2 – The Orgasms.

Did you know that when you have an orgasm your body is flooded with dopamine, a chemical that makes you feel like you can take on the world? And the effects of that dopamine lasts for at least 5 hours.

Imagine how it would feel for you and your partner, freshly connected and flooded with dopamine, to spend time together. Pretty great, no? Maybe it will help you remember why you fell for each other in the first place!

#3 – The Fun.

Sex is fun. It just is. And funny.

Think of all of the fumbling and nakedness and gymnastics. The roll around, trying to fit together. Chemicals flowing freely. It’s almost impossible not to smile and laugh and be happy.

And there is no better antidote to a struggling relationship than some happy times together.

So try it. You might find yourselves smiling together. Wouldn’t that be fun?

#4 – The Make-up Sex.

So really. Is there anything better than make-up sex?

Two people, emotions heightened in conflict, coming together in a powerful way. Clothes are flying everywhere. Tables wiped clean of plate ware. Passionate only begins to describe it.

And really, how can you stay mad at each other after such an encounter? You are reconnected, the dopamine is flying, you are laughing so hard your sides hurt, and you certainly are no longer angry.

Try ending your conflicts with a little make-up sex. You might find you move past things just a littlemore quickly.

#5 – The Satisfaction.

This is one that I don’t even want to mention, but it is a key piece of how sex keeps a relationship going strong.

Most people don’t go out looking for someone else. Normally someone else just appears out of the blue. And what you do when someone else appears depends on just how satisfied you are.

Regular great sex in a relationship generally means that a couple ‘ s sexual needs are being met. And, more often than not, their emotional needs as well because the two very often go hand in hand.

And if a couple is satisfied in their relationship, there is no need to go elsewhere, even if the prospect arises.

So have lots of sex. And keep it in the relationship. Keep temptations at bay.

I know that when relationships are struggling, sex can be the last thing on your mind. The prospect of firing up with someone you can barely look at seems absurd.

But try it. Really try it. Give yourself over to the passion, the connection, the fun and the orgasms and get back in touch with how you first felt with each other.

Armed with that feeling, you both can take on anything.

Are you wondering if great sex can save yourrelationship?
Let me help, NOW, before the damage is done!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

3 Reasons Why He Won’t Change – Even If He Wants To

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I have a client who is in a new relationship. She loves her man but has some very real hesitations. The most notable one is that she feels like he doesn ‘ t make her a priority. She feels taken for granted and certainly not cherished. She has told him that she feels this way, hoping for change. And, in spite of his assertions that he loves her, it just doesn ‘ t happen.

Why, you wonder, can ‘ t her boyfriend, who loves her, change his behavior? Because of a very frustrating, but very real, thing known as resistance.

Resistance is a trait found in all of us ‘ ¦a trait that makes us hesitant to do anything that might bring about change. Even if it ‘ s for the better.

Resistance makes us want to put the brakes on and never release them.

Resistance is something we often aren ‘ t even aware of but it affects almost every decision we make.

Resistance can end great things before they even start.

So why won’t he make the change you want him to?

#1 – Fear of Change.

Resistance is based on the fear of change. And people are really, really afraid of change.

When faced with the idea of change most people ‘ s reactions are ‘ Things are just fine this way. Why would I want to do anything differently? ‘

Resistance to change in love can have a devastating effect. There are two people in a relationship and two peoples whose needs need to be met. When one person asks for something different the other person needs to consider if they are willing to adapt to keep the relationship moving forward.

And that is the key. Adaptation. If one person needs something different then a conversation needs to be had.

My client expressed her needs very clearly. She knew that he heard what she said and he even said that he would try to put her first. But he didn ‘ t. Or couldn ‘ t. And it hurt her.

The best way to overcome fear of change is communication. Talk to each other. Compromise. Make each other a priority.

#2 – Fear of Ability.

The second piece of resistance is one ‘ s fear of the ability to do what someone asks. Does the person being asked fear that they will not be able to do what is being asked of them?

That can be paralyzing.

Perhaps my client ‘ s beau didn ‘ t know if he was capable of making her a priority. Perhaps he knew that his bike and the kids would always come first. But he knew if he expressed that he might lose her. So instead of explaining that fear he kept quiet.

The result? She was devastated by his continued actions and I am sure he didn ‘ t feel very good about it either.

The best way to overcome fear of ability is communication. If he had been able to express his anxiety perhaps they could have worked together to find a solution.

#3 – Fear of Outcome.

The last piece of resistance is the fear of outcome.

So many of the reasons that people don ‘ t take action is that they are scared of how it will all turn out. They know, to a certain extent, how things will turn out if they stay on the current path but have no idea what will happen if they change course.

For my client ‘ s boyfriend he knew that the way he had acted so far had resulted in his winning this amazing girl and still being able to excel on his bike and support his kids in a loving and productive way.

What would happen if he started putting her first? Would his bike and his kids suffer? He didn ‘ t want them to suffer but he also didn ‘ t want to lose her. Maybe they wouldn ‘ t suffer but was it worth the risk?

He was afraid. So he chose his bike and his children, hoping that she would understand. He didn ‘ t talk to her about his decision and as a result he hurt her more.

The best way to overcome the fear of outcome is communication. She needed to know how he was feeling. They could have talked it through. She might have understood.

It is important to know that while fear of change can play a destructive role in relationships it is not, most likely, a reflection of the emotions that the resistor feels for his loved one.

He most likely loves her madly but is unwilling, or unable, to face and overcome his resistance. So it is up to her. Is she willing to live not being a priority? How important is it to her? Can she be in this relationship knowing he loves her and have that be enough?

For my client that wasn ‘ t enough. She expressed her needs and he continued to resist and she walked away. She knew she wanted to be cherished and set out finding someone who could do so.

Are you struggling with a man who won’t change?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help before it destroys your relationship!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

What You MUST Know about Love That Most Women Learn WAY Too Late

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Have you met the person of your dreams? Is this the one? If so, are you wondering what you must know about love so that you don’t make any mistakes?

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that someday our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it doesn ‘ t always work out that way.

People are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a way that doesn ‘ t serve us. This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth. And often we don ‘ t notice until a relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Let me tell you some things to know about relationships that are the key to having a successful one.

#1 – Having sex with him won ‘ t make him love you.

There isn ‘ t a single woman I know who hasn ‘ t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn ‘ t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, women believe that if she has sex with a man not only will she be giving him what he wants but she will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

The best reason to have sex with a guy is because you want to. Beyond that there are no guarantees.

#2 – If he isn ‘ t communicating with you he isn ‘ t interested.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

Something that you must know about love is that a guy who isn ‘ t communicating with you he isn ‘ t interested. Period. You can tell yourself that he is busy, or that he is out of range or that he is sleeping but if he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he isn ‘ t interested.

Guys are hunters. It ‘ s in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don ‘ t, they won ‘ t.

Also, those guys who disappearand then reappear, they are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone. Don ‘ t let them fool you or suck you back in.

Move on!

#3 – If you get clingy he will pull away. For good.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is get clingywith her man.

We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are feelings that exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with clinginess you will drive your man away.

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Be secure in his feelings for you. If you can ‘ t then you need to address it head on, in a measured, temperate way. Not by getting clingy.

If you get clingy your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn ‘ t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

Want to know more things that you must know about love? Me too! Let’s talk…

#4 – If YOUdon ‘ t love you, then HEwon ‘ t either.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don ‘ t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can ‘ t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone you deserve.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren ‘ t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – If you break up with him you will be JUST FINE.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples and being single just isn ‘ t acceptable.

I am here to tell you, as someone who has spent almost four years alone, that being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program that you don ‘ t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don ‘ t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don ‘ t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn ‘ t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

When you are with someone who doesn ‘ t love, cherish and respect you then your life is full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else ‘ s whims. This will cause you pain every day.

Wouldn ‘ t it just be better to be alone, watching Orange is the New Black and having a glass of wine?

We all make mistakes in the search for love. We want it so badly that we are willing to do anything, to compromise everything, to have it. And we tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.

One of the things that you must know about love is that never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don ‘ t compromise your self-worth, don ‘ t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

If you have read this far you must be wondering how to find and keep the love that you so desire!

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can find him and live happily ever after.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started.

5 Top Secrets That the Happiest Couples Already Know

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Do you know those friends of yours who always look so happy together? The ones who you know not only look happy but who are happy? Together. Don ‘ t you sometimes just hate them? Don’t you wonder about the top secrets that the happiest couples already know?

What do they know that you don ‘ t know? That is always the question whispered among those who wish they, too, could be so happy.

Here are the answers.

#1 – Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex.

So, let ‘ s just start with the obvious one.

Every happily married couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other ‘ s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.

I have a client whose husband wants to have sex EVERY night, and while she really likes having sex with him, every night just doesn ‘ t work for her. She used to just rebuff his advances, which made him feel bad, but on my advice, she talked to him about it. She explained how she felt; they agreed that she would be the instigator and that she would instigate often. That worked for both of them, and they were happy.

So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.

Sounds fun, right?

#2 – Equitable division of labor.

I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What is the differentiating factor that exists between the two?Equality in the execution of chores.

My 15-year-old daughter did a survey for school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group? She discovered that those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.

Why? Because chores are a HUGE bone of contention for many couples. HUGE.

What usually happens is that the person ‘ in charge ‘ delegates the chores to their spouse. The ‘ in charge ‘ person has expectations about the execution of the chore, and if it ‘ s not done within the expected time or in the expected way, tensions flair. The delegator takes it personally and lashes out, and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were.

If both people are responsible for the delegation and execution of the chores, then a huge issue just disappears. Things get done or don ‘ t, and both partners are responsible.

So, my daughter reported my ex-husband ‘ s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work, and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister-in-law and her husband, who equally shared home responsibilities, are living happily ever after.

I wish she had done this research earlier ‘ ¦

#3 – Inside jokes.

What really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.

Happy couples are like a little island unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities, but they also have things that they only share with each other, inside jokes.

Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father-in-law says something, something that he ALWAYS says and that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made, and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.

Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can ‘ t be beat for keeping couples close.

#4 – Pie in the sky hopes and dreams.

Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together.

Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours would be spent talking about the future – the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after. And then life happens. Day-to-day living gets in the way of those dreams.

But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done.

So dream big. Or small. But dream together.

#5 – Putting each other first. Period.

Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.

And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize when you no longer have a partner is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don ‘ t have a partner.

So make your partner your priority. Every day.

Work is important, but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15-mile run? Go for it, but if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it. A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. Movie negotiable. The phone? Put it down.

Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, goodwill, sex, happiness. Arguably more life-enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect scores on their SAT.

Being part of happy couple isn ‘ t something that just happens. It, like all of the best things in life, takes concerted effort.

That effort at work pays off with a raise. That effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make that effort with your partner and be one of those truly happy couples?

So listen to the top secrets that the happiest couples already know. Go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love and fall asleep happy.

It will all be worth it. I promise.

If you are still reading this, it’s your goal to be one of the world’s happiest couples.

Let me help you NOW, so you can reach you goal sooner!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started.

5 Most Important Questions To Ask Someone On A First Date

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Are you wondering what questions you must ask someone on a first date?

We all go into our first dates hoping for the best. Hoping that this will be the ONE who will end our lonely days forever. And with that hope comes a reluctance to ask questions.

Why? Because we often don ‘ t want to know the answers.

It ‘ s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time developing a relationship. Without knowing the facts, you could miss some serious red flags and waste a HUGE amount of time in your search for the ONE.

And we don ‘ t want that. So ask away…

Here are the 5 Most Important Questions To Ask On A First Date:

#1 – Are you married?

Seriously? Do you need to ask that question? The answer is a resounding YES!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages, and some of them just want to fool around. Either way, you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married person. Being involved with a married person brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find the ONE, no matter what he tells you.

And that is the goal right? Finding the ONE?

#2 – How long have you been single?

Once you know they are single it ‘ s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend that you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular breakups do not, and the recovery period is longer. A newly divorced person just won ‘ t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage break up, that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship. You do NOT want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a period of time, not just because they have had time to recover from a breakup but because it ‘ s more likely that they are no longer attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else, do they?

#3 – Are you employed?

One of the first questions we ask when we meet anyone is ‘ What do you do? ‘ It ‘ s what Americans do. And it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question is ‘ Are you currently working? ‘

The reasons you want to know the answer to this question? Because you want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure.

Financial security is obvious. No one wants to get involved with someone who can ‘ t carry his or her weight financially. Emotional security is a tougher one.

People who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally. They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs. All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self-esteem.

Insecurity and low self-esteem are not things that lend themselves well to a healthy relationship. And DON ‘ T think that you can fix them because you can ‘ t.

So ask not only ‘ What do you do ‘ but ‘ Where do you do it? ‘

Want to talk first dates? Me too! Let’s do it….

#4 – Do you get along with your family?

Really? Knowing how someone gets along with his or her family is important.

The family is the fundamental relationship of someone ‘ s life and how they interact with that family is important to know.

If your date talks about the close relationship he has with his siblings and that his mother drives him nuts but that he talks to her every Sunday then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who he hasn ‘ t seen in years, then it is possible the deep emotional connection might be more difficult for him. Why? Because the basic human connection that we make as children influence who we are as grown-ups. And someone who has a rough relationship with his family could be tough to truly connect with.

So ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

#5 – Do you have kids?

This one is SO important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, THE priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that ‘ s okay with you. Maybe you have kids, too and understand the priorities. Or maybe you are willing to make his kids your priority as well.

But maybe it ‘ s not. Maybe you want to always be first or maybe you just aren ‘ t ready to have kids. And that ‘ s okay.

So ask the question. Because kids will always come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

Dating is time-consuming and emotionally fraught, and really you don ‘ t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises any red flags at all. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

So ask the questions. Get your answers early. Get your answers so you can decide to fish or cut bait right away because there are other fish in the sea. Fish who might be better for you. And tastier.

Going on a first date and feeling nervous?
Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work

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You have done something to hurt someone. Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, that person is really hurt. And you want to fix it. You know you need an apology that will work.

You have been trying to apologize, to make them see things from your perspective, to get them to understand your intentions. All to no avail. Hope is not lost.

There is a way to apologize that will be both heard and accepted. Read on to learn how. Before we begin, you have to understand WHAT you have to apologize for. You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose husband showed up 30 minutes late on a night when he swore he would be home on time. They were supposed to go out for her birthday, and she had made special dinner reservations. He had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should he need to apologize? I mean, he was late because of work. He had no control over that. Of course, he needs to apologize!

Why? Not because he was kept late at work but because he HURT HER by not getting home when he said that he would. Do you see the difference? The slight is that he caused her pain.

Whatever he did to cause that pain is irrelevant. That is what you are apologizing for causing them pain. Get it?

Sentence #1 – ‘ I am sorry that I hurt you. ‘

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one ‘ s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn ‘ t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late and why you weren ‘ t at fault will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone. How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology. So accept it and apologize for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – ‘ How can I prevent it from happening again? ‘

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership of how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after she calmed down when she realized that her husband knew how much he had hurt her, she thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent him from causing her pain. She suggested that the next time he knew he was going to be late, he called her so that she could change their reservations. She would also know that he knew he was late and that he was sensitive to the situation, which could help her from getting hurt.

Armed with this knowledge my client ‘ s husband had the tools he needed to stop himself from hurting his wife in the future when he was going to be late. It was up to him to know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – ‘ What can I do to make it up to you? ‘

This one is a fun one. Amends. So my client ‘ s husband acknowledged that he had hurt her and did not try to justify his behaviour. Now he wanted to know what he could do to make it up to her ‘ ¦. Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control, my client was given the opportunity to express what she needed to move past this hurt.

Her husband didn ‘ t have to guess, which is good because husbands aren ‘ t always good at guessing. My client suggested a bottle of very nice champagne at home with some birthday cake. The kids were off at a friend ‘ s house, and having some alone time just the two of them was what she wanted most anyway. He was, of course, happy to accommodate, and the night ended very well indeed.

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone, and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn ‘ t have been avoided or that you weren ‘ t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way. It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.

 

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really need to apologize for something.

Let me help you, NOW, before too much time passes.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

 

5 Ways to Forgive – Even if it Seems Impossible

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Did somebody do something to you that hurt you deeply? Are you looking for ways to forgive because you want and need to?

Perhaps your sister embarrassed you AGAIN at a family gathering with something she said. Perhaps your husband chose your mother-in-law ‘ s side in a discussion about where to spend Easter. Or a good friend forgot to invite you to her Cabi party.

And are you so angry, so hurt, that you just can ‘ t get past it?

I am here to tell you that you can.

Holding a grudge is one of the worst things that you can do for your health. So don ‘ t!

#1 – Recognize that everyone is human.

Everyone is doing the best that they can. Let me say that again. Everyone is doing the best that they can.

The person you are today, right now, is the result of a lifetime of experiences, experiences that include how your mother loved you when you were a child and the way that taxi driver splashed you with a muddy puddle this morning.

It is a combination of those things that determine how you react to something the way you do. The same rules apply to other people.

Do you know that co-worker who is rude to you every morning when you come into the office? Who doesn ‘ t greet you with a smile and small talk? Do you resent that person, think perhaps she is a bitch? Do you spend way too much time thinking about it during meetings?

That co-worker is just a person doing the best that she can, and you have no idea what she is dealing with. Perhaps she has an autistic child who needs to be dropped off at daycare in the morning, and the process is devastating every time. Might that person not be able to greet you with a happy smile in the morning? Might that person be more in need of some compassion from you?

Don ‘ t assume anything about anyone. We are all just doing the best that we can. We are human, after all.

#2 – Don ‘ t take everything personally.

It is not all about you. Again, it is not all about you.

‘ What ‘ s this? ‘ you think. ‘ Of course, it ‘ s all about me. ‘

When someone hurts you, I can guarantee that they almost never set out to hurt you. What they do might be insensitive but more often than not, hurting you is not the reason why someone does something.

When your husband sides with your mother-in-law about Easter Sunday, he is not doing it to purposely hurt you. He is doing it because he wants to please his mother or even perhaps because he genuinely believes her plan is the better one.

He does not do it because he has no respect for your opinions because he does and he demonstrated this last week when he applauded your actions around a problem at work.

He did it for his own reasons, ones that have nothing to do with you.

Not taking everything as a personal affront is an excellent way to take steps towards forgiveness. Know that people do things for a variety of reasons, and hurting you is rarely one of them.

#3 – Look to the future, not the past.

Do you want your present and your future to be based on the past? Or do you want your future to be bright and full of possibilities?

If yes, stop looking to the past and look forward with an open heart.

I have a client whose husband left her a LONG time ago, and she still can ‘ t get past it. Everything that is wrong in her life she blames on his leaving her. Everything.

In an effort to help her forgive her husband and move on, we have been working on her building a life for herself. She has found a great job and is under contract in a wonderful apartment. She is dating again and spending lots of time with her grandchildren. For the first time in years, she is happy.

The more that she focuses on her present and her future, the less time she spends obsessing about the past and all of her perceived losses. Because that ‘ s how her losses are perceived. She has no idea how her life might have been if her husband had stayed with her. What she does know is how amazing her life is now.

And that is what counts.

#4 – Take responsibility.

This is a hard one – to take responsibility for our role in a perceived hurt. But it ‘ s a very important one.

We all play a role in every interaction we have. And, like it or not, our role is as relevant to the outcome as the other person ‘ s.

In the case of my client, who was irate about not being invited to her friend ‘ s Cabi party, I asked her to take a good look at why she thought she might not have been invited.

At first, she said that she had no idea that her friend was just a loser. But then, after some reflection, she realized that she hadn ‘ t really enjoyed the last Cabi party and that she might have expressed those feelings to a few of their friends.

Perhaps her friend hadn ‘ t invited her for just that reason? Not because she was a loser and wanted to hurt her friend, but maybe because she knew her friend didn ‘ t enjoy the parties and wanted her not to feel compelled to attend?

Hmm, that changes things a bit, doesn ‘ t it?

#5 – Be honest and let it go.

You know when you stay up all night, playing and replaying something that your sister said to you on the phone? How it was just like something that she has said to you your entire life? How it drives you crazy every time?

Have you ever told her that it drives you crazy every time? Perhaps now is the time.

Being honest with someone about something they are doing that hurts you is important. And it ‘ s important to do so in an honest, non-passive-aggressive way.

It ‘ s entirely possible that your sister doesn ‘ t know how she repeatedly upsets you. If you tell her, you are giving her an opportunity to change or explain her behaviour. And if you understand the reasons behind her behaviours, you can accept them and let them go.

Because who wants to stay up all night perseverating about their sister’s words and actions? Sleep is a precious thing that shouldn ‘ t be squandered needlessly.

So let it go. Get some sleep. Be happy.

‘ To err is human, to forgive, divine. ‘ So said Alexander Pope in the early 1700s. He knew even back then the virtue found in forgiveness. He knew that we were all doing the best that we could and to forgive is to find God.

So look for ways to forgive. Practice forgiveness. Cut those who upset you some slack, accept responsibility for your share of the blame, let go of the past and make yourself a bright future.

Because that ‘ s what we want. No matter how dark our past is, we want our future to be bright. And with forgiveness, it can be.

 

If you have read this far, you must really need to find ways to forgive.
Let me help you, NOW, before the anger eats you alive!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, and let’s get started!

 

 

 

5 Ways to Get Exactly What You Want – Even if it Seems Impossible

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So you have a dream. Something that you really want. Perhaps something that you have always wanted or maybe something you have just recently come to understand you want. You have a dream.

There are ways to get exactly what you want – even if it seems impossible.

Time to make it happen. You can do it!

#1 – Know what EXACTLY it is you want.

In order to get what you want to have to know exactly what it is you want.

I have a client who hired me because she wanted to move and she needed support to do so. ‘ What, ‘ I asked her, ‘ does that mean, specifically? ‘

She wasn’t sure. She was renting, and she hated her apartment. So I asked some questions.

Did she want to move to another apartment or a house? Did she want to continue to rent or to buy? Did she like her neighborhood or did she want to make a big move?

After some discussion, she decided that she wanted to stay in her neighborhood and buy either a town home or an apartment.

She knew what she wanted. Next, we started working on getting it for her.

#2 – Start taking steps NOW!

One of the biggest obstacles to getting what we want is that we get overwhelmed. The distance that we have to travel, and the obstacles that we have to overcome, can often times seem too overwhelming and so we stop before we even start.

For my client who wanted to move, she was so overwhelmed at the prospect of BUYING A HOUSE. So, instead of focusing on BUYING A HOUSE, I suggested that her first step was to go online and find some listings that she liked. Just to do that. When she was ready she would go look at some of them. The actual BUYING A HOUSE would be further down the road when the time came.

She was not overwhelmed by the prospect of looking at some listings. So she did, and she was off.

#3 – Recognize your fears.

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles for getting what we want. Fear that we won ‘ t get what we want. Fear that we will get hurt along the way. Fear that we will get what we want and then what will we do?

Identifying fears is the only way to deal with them.

For my client, her fears were many.

She was scared of the process of looking at houses. So we started slowly with identifying listings and then moved on to actually looking.

She was scared that she wouldn ‘ t find something she liked that she could afford. So she looked at many different places in her price range so see what her options were.

She was scared of the mortgage process. So I had her meet with a mortgage broker who could walk her through the process.

Fears are going to happen, but if you identify them one at a time, you can deal with them.

#4 – NO second guessing.

For many of us we know what we want but other people have opinions and as a result, we often lose sight of what that really is. Perhaps your dream gets modified because of something your mom suggests. Or perhaps you don ‘ t believe you can do it because your sister reminds you that you have never succeeded before.

Don ‘ t let this happen. Know what you want. Write it down. Write down the path to getting it. Write down the obstacles that will present themselves. Write down your fears.

When someone tries to question you, refer to your lists, remind yourself what it is that you want, that you know how to get there and that you are going to. No matter what!

You can do it!

#5 – Never never never give up.

Yes, obstacles are going to arise, fears are going to rear their ugly head, and you are going to get supremely overwhelmed. And this is where many people give up. I mean, if the House can ‘ t get the votes to repeal and replace Obamacare the first time out then it should be the law of the land forever. Right? NO!

When obstacles and fears present themselves, take them one at a time and deal with them. My client looked at house after house after house and was increasingly desolate that she would never find one. I told her to keep it up. And she did!

Until you guessed it, she found an apartment. The apartment of her dreams.

She never gave up and she got exactly what she wanted.

You have a dream. I know you do. And you can get it exactly as you want it. You just need to know what it is, see how to get there, slay obstacles one by one and never give up.

Really, how hard is that? YOU can totally do it. My client did.

And yes, she is living happily ever after ‘ ¦..

 

If you have read this far you must really wantsomething.
Let me help you, NOW, so you don’t have to wait!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

 

 

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