5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed

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I know it ‘ s hard to believe that it ‘ s OK to break up with someone who is depressed but it is. It truly is.

I know that you care for them deeply and you don ‘ t want to see them hurting but that doesn ‘ t mean that staying with them is the best thing for them, or for you, especially if they aren ‘ t doing the work that they need to do to get better.

I know. I had been depressed in my marriage and I know now that staying together because I was struggling, but not getting help, was the worst choice that we could have made.

Let me tell you why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. Perhaps understanding will help you make a decision around your next steps.

#1 – They are not your responsibility.

I know that you love your person and that you want to take care of them. And I know that you would do anything that you could do to make them feel better. But what I also know is that it ‘ s not your responsibility to do so.

If someone is struggling with depression, it is their responsibility to take care of themselves. It is their responsibility to notice how they are feeling, to take steps to deal with their depression and to do what they need to do to learn how to live with it.

I know you want to help. And that is admirable, but it ‘ s important that you understand that the person you love who is dealing with depression needs to take care of themselves. You can ‘ t do the work for them, no matter how much you want to and how much you try.

#2 – Codependency.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is depressed, and you are doing everything in your power to make them feel better on a daily basis, and they are letting you, you guys are in a codependent relationship.

Much like enabling an alcoholic, you doing all the work to take care of your person during their depressive periods isn ‘ t helping anybody.

You are probably finding yourself increasingly frustrated that your efforts aren ‘ t making a difference and your person is probably becoming increasingly reliant on you to make them feel better in the moment. This is co-dependency.

I know that when I was married and I was very depressed, my relationship with my husband was in rough shape.

Whenever he came home from work and he saw I was depressed, he would go out of his way to be careful. He would go out of his way to be helpful. He would go out of his way to be complementary. While it worked for me in the moment, it didn ‘ t help me in the long term. As a result, he became increasingly frustrated and I became increasingly reliant on him and that wasn ‘ t helpful for either one of us.

Eventually, out marriage ended.

So, if you find that you are constantly trying to take care of your person, to help them not be so depressed, and they are letting you, your relationship is becoming increasingly co-dependent and a co-dependent relationship is not a healthy one.

#3 – You are trying to fix them.

If there ‘ s one thing that someone doesn’t need when they are depressed, it ‘ s their person trying to fix them.

What a person who is depressed needs more than anything from their partner when they are feeling depressed is for their partner to accept them as they are in the moment. To recognize that they are depressed, to have empathy for them and to let them know that you are there for them.

Unfortunately, for many people who live with people who are depressed, they don ‘ t understand what the person needs. Instead of being willing to accept them as they are, to have empathy for them, the person who is not depressed just tries to fix that person.

They try to talk them out of their depression. They try to convince them of how good their life is, and how happy they are, and how many people love them. They try in vain, over and over and over, to fix the person instead of to try to support them in the moment.

What this does is it only makes the depressed person feel worse. They know that they are loved, they know they have a good life, they know all of this but they are depressed anyway.

You trying to show your person how good their world is will only make them more depressed.

So, if you find yourself trying to fix your person, perhaps it ‘ s time to let them go. Unless they can do what they need to do to take care of themselves, they will never get better. And unless you can accept that trying to talk them out of their depression is making them feel bad about their depression, your person will struggle, you will be frustrated and your relationship will never be healthy.

#4 – They need to do this work themselves.

Many people come to me wanting to know what they can do to help their person who is struggling with depression. What I say to them is their person needs to do the work themselves.

I know that it wasn ‘ t until I was able to accept that I was depressed that I was able to start working on disorder.

Once I recognize that I was depressed, I took the steps to reach out to a doctor, to get a diagnosis, to start taking some medication and to start doing the things that I needed to do to live a successful life.

Today, I take my meds faithfully. I do yoga, eat well, get enough sleep, spend time with those I love, and get massages every month. All of those things help me manage my depression.

It ‘ s not cured but it ‘ s under control.

I never could have done this work if I had someone there trying to ‘ ˜fix me, ‘ trying to convince me that I needed help. I needed to figure this out on my own and eventually I did.

This is another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed. You can ‘ t do the work for them, they need to do the work for themselves. And if they ‘ re not willing to do that, it ‘ s time for you to move on.

#5 – You have your own life to lead.

I know it might seem selfish, but you have one and only life. And if you ‘ re spending it with someone who is depressed and isn ‘ t willing to do anything about it, then you should seriously consider moving on.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life as it is right now, living with a person who is depressed? Someone who doesn ‘ t want to do anything, who isn ‘ t interested in sex, who doesn ‘ t take care of themselves, who doesn ‘ t want to go out with friends?

Because this will be the rest of your life if you stay.

I know that when my ex-husband finally broke up with me, he was able to lead the life he wanted. He wasn ‘ t held back by my depression and my paralyzing social anxiety. While I was very sad that he left, devastated in fact, I know that him moving on was the best thing for both of us because he was able to find happiness and I was able to have the space to do the work that I needed to do to get well.

Knowing why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed will give you the freedom to make a decision about next steps.

The important thing here is that if your person is not willing to do what they need to do to get past the depression, then there ‘ s no reason for you to stay.

They are not your responsibility, you staying is enabling them to not deal with their depression, you trying to fix them will only make things worse and they need to do this work themselves.

Most importantly, you have a life to lead. Don ‘ t let your life be bogged down by someone who doesn ‘ t want to help themselves.

If you are lucky enough that your depressed person is willing to do the work that they need to do to get better, then by all means stay. But remember, a promise isn ‘ t action and if they say they are going to do something but don ‘ t, that ‘ s another reason why it ‘ s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

If they don ‘ t do the work, why should you?

I know you can do this. I know you want to be happy. And that ‘ s on you ‘ ¦

Why Moving On From a Toxic Relationship is So Hard
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Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard.

It ‘ s hard to understand why. Leaving a relationship that made you so unhappy should leave you feeling really good about yourself and hopeful about the future.

But, instead, trying to move on from a toxic relationship just leaves you feeling hopeless, that you will never get past it.

Understanding why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is the key to being able to do so.

Here are five reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard so that you can understand and finally move on.

#1 – Letting go.

When we get out of a toxic relationship, the break-up means letting go of our hopes and dreams.

All of the things that we had visualized our life would look like at the beginning of the relationship are all things that we have to let go of when the relationship ends.

And that is really, really hard to do.

I had a client whose husband left her soon after their children went off to college. They had been unhappy for a long time and she had thought of leaving him many times.

But, when he left, she had to let go of the vision she had for the rest of her life in this marriage.

That vision included fixing her marriage, traveling with her husband, delighting in grandchildren together, and finally having the financial freedom to do the things they had always wanted wanted to do.

Instead she was left alone, their finances were in tatters and the image of them growing old together was gone.

So, one of the reasons why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult is because you have to let go of those hopes and dreams that you had counted on for so long.

#2 – Fear.

For many of us, the idea of getting out of any relationship, much less a toxic one, is very scary.

We are worried that we will never love or be loved again. We are scared of the pain that we will feel. We worry that our person will move on and be fixed for their next person. We are afraid that all the time we have wasted in this relationship will make it difficult for us to find the happy life that we long for.

I always encourage people to face the fear. Fear is a very scary thing. Pain is a very scary thing. But we have all dealt with fear and pain in the past and we have prevailed. So, if the fear of the pain is holding you back, think of periods of pain and fear that you had survived before and know that you will survive them again.

#3 – Depression.

For many of us, letting go of a toxic relationship can lead to deep depression.

Whether or not you are already prone to depression or it ‘ s something that you have dealt with before, depression can hold us back from moving on, every time.

The reasons that depression can hold you back from moving on from a toxic relationship are many.

When we are depressed, we have no energy to do anything. This makes it hard for us to get out into the world and fill in the holes that are left by the absence of our relationship.

When we are depressed, we feel hopeless about the future and when we feel hopeless about the future it ‘ s hard to move on because you don ‘ t know what you ‘ re moving onto.

When we are depressed, we stop taking care of ourselves. We eat bad food, we stop exercising and we do things that self-sabotage our well-being. Doing this only makes things worse because our self-esteem plummets.

If you are feeling depressed, I would encourage you to talk to your primary care doctor to see what they can do to help you manage your depression so that you can get through this difficult time and get your life back.

#4 – Hopelessness.

For many of us, after we get out of a toxic relationship, we are left feeling completely hopeless about the future.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams about our relationship, struggling with depression and truly believing that we will never be happy again is why moving on from a toxic relationship is so difficult.

Many of my clients tell me that they are sure that if they get out of this relationship their future is bleak. They believe that everything that they have lived for will be gone and how can they find anything to replace it?

They feel bad about themselves and they believe that they will never feel good about themselves again and that nobody would ever want to love them. They believe that they were the cause of the toxicity in the relationship and they wonder how things could ever be different in the future.

What I would encourage you to do is realize that this hopelessness after letting go of a toxic relationship is a very natural thing and if you go through the steps you need to go through to get past this break up, the helplessness will fade and you will get the life that you want.

I promise. I have been there!

#5 – Self-doubt.

One of the biggest side effects of a toxic relationship is that our self-esteem gets shot.

Whether it ‘ s because we feel like we have let ourselves down by staying in a relationship too long or whether it ‘ s because our partner abused us so repeatedly and destroyed our mental well-being, either way, having low self-esteem makes it very hard to move on from a toxic relationship.

What I always encourage my clients to do when they are feeling full of self-doubt after a break up is to do the things that they need to do to feel better about themselves.

A client of mine was spending all of her time online, looking for articles that would reinforce her belief that her toxic relationship and her ex could be authenticated by other people ‘ s experiences. I told her to give herself a deadline when she would stop doing this because all it was doing was sabotaging her moving forward and definitely not making her feel better about herself.

What she did instead of spending all of her time online was she purchased herself a violin. She had played violin when she was younger and it always brought her a lot of peace. Starting to play the violin again was very self-soothing for her. The more her skills improved, the more her self-esteem grew. Instead of wallowing in her self-doubt, she did something that made her really feel good about herself and, therefore, hopeful for the future.

What would work for you to help you build your self-esteem? I ‘ m sure there are things that you have done in your past that felt good then and that you could take up again to build a future that you want.

Moving on from a toxic relationship is so hard but doing so is also incredibly important.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams, to be scared about what is next, to be overwhelmed with depression and hopelessness and be filled with self-doubt are all obstacles to getting past your broken heart and moving forward.

But I promise you, you can do it. I promise that the life that you have always wanted is out there and ahead of you.

My new course, Four Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving on, is just the thing to help you take the steps that you need to take to get past the broken heart, to start rebuilding your self-esteem and to put yourself out there and find the love and the life that you want. You can check it out by clicking this link here.

What I can promise you is that no one has ever died of a broken heart. You will get through this, with a little bit of intention and determination.

You can do it!

How To Keep Control Of Your Emotions and Save Your Relationship

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Learning how to keep control of your emotions is one of the best ways that you can keep your relationship a healthy one.

Something I hear from clients regularly is that, when they are in conflict with their partner, instead of being able to talk about things, emotions take over, people get hurt and nothing gets resolved.

As a result, issues are pushed down, only to resurface over and over. This continued pain will ultimately destroy any relationship, no matter how much love is involved.

To that end, I would like to share with you why knowing how to keep control of your emotions is a key part of keeping your relationship healthy.

#1 – Step away but don ‘ t storm off.

We are taught on TV and in movies that, to make our point, we need to make a declaration and then walk away. In the movies, after that declaration, the character has an epiphany that they were wrong and their person was right and everyone lives happily ever after.

OR, in the movies, when we storm away, our partner chases us because they love us so much and want to make things right.

But, in reality, storming away gets no one anywhere. It cuts any conversation short and only serves to put off until later any opportunity to resolve the issue.

All of that being said, it ‘ s very important to step away if you find your emotions are getting the best of you.

I would encourage you to, if you are finding your emotions getting out of control, tell your person that you need five minutes and to step away and take some deep breaths. To go for a walk or sit with your puppy or take a shower.

So, step away but don ‘ t storm away. This will give you both a chance to calm down a little bit so that maybe you can return to the conversation in a calmer, more productive way, to put the issue to bed and move on.

#2 – Take deep breaths.

I know it sounds very trite, but breathing is one of the best ways to keep control of your emotions.

Think about the last time you got into a fight with your partner. Did you find you were having a hard time expressing yourself? Did you get overwhelmed with tears, perhaps becoming so upset that you were hyperventilating? Did you find your heart racing more than usual?

All of those things can be the result of lack of oxygen to the brain. Without sufficient oxygen, it ‘ s hard to think. Without sufficient oxygen, our nervous system gets activated and emotional regulation can be very difficult. Without sufficient oxygen, our body can go into fight or flight mode, which will only make things worse.

When you find yourself in conflict with your partner, I would encourage you to pause for a second and take a deep breath, breathing right down into your tummy. Taking a deep breath will help your brain get the oxygen it needs so that you can think clearly and, hopefully, keep control of your emotions.

#3 – Keep tuned in to how you are feeling.

I know for me, when I used to get escalated in my marriage, I was not aware of it.

The adrenaline caused by the conflict took over and propelled me forward towards chaos. By the time that happened, there was no going back.

What I ‘ ve been working on recently is recognizing my emotions as they evolve, recognizing when they are getting out of control.

When I do recognize that they might be getting out of control, I do #1 and #2 above. I either ask for a time out or I take a deep breath, pause and try to get my emotions back in check and then proceed.

I know this is easier said than done. It can take a lot of work to try to regulate your emotions. But being aware of them is very important step to doing so.

#4 – Don ‘ t focus on one word or sentence.

When you are in an argument, do you find that you tend to focus on one ugly word or one disrespectful sentence that has been said?

Do you find that, if your partner makes an offhand comment that you find unkind or condescending, you cannot let it go? Does the fight then pivot to that one thing instead of what originally caused it? And does that just derail the whole thing?

One key part of keeping control of your emotions during conflict is to not focus on the small things. Yes, we all say things in the heat of the moment, things that we regret but once they are said there is no unsaying them. If you can keep in mind that we are all only human and we say things that we don ‘ t mean, this might help you let them go.

#5 – Don ‘ t pick a fight.

For many of us, we spend our days in our head. If something has happened that is upsetting us, we might dwell on it and get ourselves all worked up. Once we are worked up, we have two choices – to bring it up calmly with our partner or to pick a fight. Most of us pick a fight.

If we pick a fight instead of approaching something from a calm place, the fight is derailed even before it begins. Our emotions are already elevated and our partner is immediately on the defensive. The fight will escalate and have no chance of being resolved – which can only make everything worse.

I encourage you to, if you are struggling with something, tell your person that you need to talk about it. Don ‘ t be passive aggressive or snide. Just be a grown up and talk.

Learning how to keep control of your emotions is not an easy thing to do.

We are very emotional creatures, particularly women, and when we care deeply about something, it ‘ s hard for us to not feel our feelings.

But, if you can learn how to not pick a fight, how to step away and take a deep breath in the middle of a conflict, to stay focused on how you ‘ re feeling and to not vilify that ONE thing that was said, you will definitely be a long way towards controlling your emotions.

And, I think you will find that, if you can keep control of your emotions during conflict with your partner, your relationship will be healthier and, if it has been struggling, it might be saved.

You can do this! I know you can!

Breaking Up for Good? 5 Ways to Make it Stick.

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Do you know that, finally, you are breaking up for good?

After all the ups and downs, the pain and the tears, do you know that your relationship is over and that it ‘ s time to move on?

Are you determined and ready to move forward but not sure how to make it stick because it hasn ‘ t so many times before?

There are ways to make it stick this time so that this time, breaking up for good, is actually breaking up for good!!

#1 – Go no contact RIGHT AWAY.

There is nothing more tempting, when you are missing ex, then to stalk him or her.

Unfortunately, these days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex – social media has made it all so easy. And keeping tabs on a makes them make it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn ‘ t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don ‘ t want to see. Perhaps him out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or even doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

So, eliminate all ties to your loved one on social media. Block him on your phone. Don ‘ t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

It might be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but you will be glad you did.

#2 – Take stock.

One of the first thing I tell all of my clients, when they are breaking up for good and hoping to make it stick, is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn ‘ t working. To take stock all of the reasons why they needed to walk away from that person, the things that they knew weren ‘ t working, the reasons why they might have been broken up with.

When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede in our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is caused us pain. Or at the very least to start stalking them, which will only send you back to square one.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that caused the breakup. Perhaps he would disappear for hours, only to reappear with some flimsy excuse. Perhaps she treated you with contempt in front of your friends. Perhaps he was verbally abusive. Perhaps he would never leave his wife.

There are probably many of them if this relationship is over.

This list will also do the job of making you realize that the ‘ ˜rug wasn ‘ t pulled out from under you, ‘ that the break up wasn ‘ t exactly ‘out of the blue.’ Not playing the victim will help breaking up for good work this time!

Furthermore, if you are the one leaving this relationship, keeping those reasons in mind daily going forward will help you stay strong.

Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing your ex.. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

#3 – Make yourself a priority.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to get off the couch and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

You don’t have to join a gym. Get out there an walk, go dancing, do some yoga. Whatever you can do to keep your heart rate up!

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on your next guy’s face when he sees you next!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don ‘ t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Go big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. One of the things that gave me hope was the list that I had made of all the things that I had always wanted to do but hadn ‘ t done.

I had always wanted to hike in Peru, to learn to drive a Jet-ski, to live in NYC, to talk about mental illness, to start a coaching business. I had never done any of those things because I was unhappily married and consumed with that.

One by one, I did these things. 10 years later life is good, I am strong and I am happy. And I have had lots of amazing adventures.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the free time now. Don ‘ t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends ‘ ¦and make new ones.

For many of us, relationships mean that we disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you ‘ ˜before. ‘ They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women,to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People are a great way to get you through a tough time. And you have lots of people. Reach out and find them again.

Breaking up for good and making it stick is the goal for someone in a toxic relationship.

We all know that it ‘ s easier said than done. But I can promise you that it is possible. Many very happy people can attest to that!

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you connect on. Get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the reasons that you broke up with your person. Keep it close. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you smile. Do things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you had to let go of.

I know it doesn ‘ t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise ‘ ¦

5 Signs that Your Partner Might Be Being Unfaithful

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Are you shocked that you are in this place – that you are looking for signs that your partner might be being unfaithful?

Does something in your gut tell you that things are off? Has your relationship been struggling lately? Do you feel like something has shifted?

Have these feelings made you wonder if your partner is having an affair?

There are definitely signs that your partner might be being unfaithful and knowing them might help you put some pieces together so that you can decide next steps. Here are five of them.

#1 – They are very distracted.

When your partner is at home, are they really there with you? When you talk about your day, do you feel like they are thinking about other things?

Do you find that they aren ‘ t focusing on the TV when you are watching or paying attention to friends when you go out to dinner or playing with the kids as much as they used to?

If your partner is distracted, this might be a sign that they are having an affair.

For many people, affairs are all consuming and it makes it very, very difficult for them to be present in the moment.

I have a client whose husband was always very engaging at dinner. He would ask the kids questions, ask about her day, share funny stories from his day and generally make everybody laugh. Suddenly, all that changed. He would only nod when the kids spoke to him, ask no questions about anybody ‘ s day, and would get up from the dinner table and wander away early.

Of course, being distracted itself doesn ‘ t mean that he is having an affair – there are many reasons that one might be distracted – but it could be a piece of the puzzle about whether or not your partner is being unfaithful.

#2 – Their moods have changed.

For many people who are having an affair, their moods are greatly affected.

They can be consumed by guilt for what they are doing. They might be elated because of the sex hormones that are surging through their body. They could be angry if you question them for their behaviors. They could be sad because they know they ‘ re doing the wrong thing.

Again, there are many reasons why your partner ‘ s moods have changed and I would encourage you to watch them carefully and try to talk to them about it.

But, that being said, altered moods can definitely be a sign that your partner might be being unfaithful

#3 – They have changed how they look.

I have a client who I hadn ‘ t spoken to in a couple of months. I took a video call with her one day and she looked completely different from the last time I had seen her.

She had always taken care of herself, but now her hair was blown dry, her make up carefully applied, her clothes obviously chosen with care and her overall demeanor was just sparkly. Something big had changed.

What I suspected, and what she soon told me was true, was it she was having an affair. She felt like she had come alive in a way she hadn ‘ t been in a long time. She wanted to take care of herself and she wanted to look beautiful for her person. She felt like there was hope in her life again and it made her want to sparkle.

Of course, changing how one looks that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean that one is having an affair but, taken in combination with other things, it might be a sign that your partner is having an affair.

#4 – They are being extra nice.

I have a friend who was having an affair. One day, she and her lover went to the beach and spent the day lying in the sun and playing in the surf. On her way home from the beach, stopped at her husbands ‘ office with a late lunch. She suggested that they take a walk and she asked him about his day. He was so thankful that she took an interest in him and stopped by and she was able to assuage her guilt at her behavior by being super nice.

Is your partner doing things that they might not have done before? Do you sometimes feel like their attention is intentional?

Of course, there are many reasons that your person is being extra nice to you but, if you find it is happening more often than usual, it could be a sign that your partner might be being unfaithful.

#5 – You can ‘ t always find them.

A client of mine ‘ ˜s mother was dying of cancer and she was the one who was taking care of her. She was spending a lot of time at her mother ‘ s house as she dealt with her illness.

My client started to notice that her stepfather would disappear. He bought himself a new car and spent a lot of time out driving. He would say he was going out to lunch with friends only to not be reachable or to come home with a vague story of how plans have changed. He would work late. He would be late to respond if she called.

After her mother died, my client discovered that her stepfather had been having an affair. She had always suspected as such because of his behavior and she was very thankful that her mother never found out.

If you are finding that you person is often unreachable, it ‘ s definitely a sign that they might be being unfaithful.

Needing to look out for signs that your partner might be being unfaithful is a horrible thing to have to do.

No one wants to learn that the person they love might be having an affair and looking for the signs that this might be true can be devastating.

As I said before, many of these signs could mean something other than your partner might be having an affair but, if more than one of these signs apply to them, it might be time to face up to this possibility and figure out next steps.

If your partner is distracted, if they are moody, if they look different and are acting extra nice or if they disappear without explanation, your partner just might be having an affair and I am so very sorry.

But knowledge is power and with this power you can decide what you want your next steps to be so you can get through this and out the other side intact.

You can do this! I promise.

5 Reasons Why Your Partner Is Jealous Of Your Ex

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So, here you are, in a new relationship, happy as can be but there is an issue. A big issue. Your partner is jealous of your ex (or exes). Ugh.

Instead of appreciating that you love them completely, they think constantly about your ex. They compare themselves to them, they question you endlessly about your relationship, they live in constant fear that you are going to leave them.

Is this jealousy destroying your relationship? I bet it is.

There are a number of reasons why, in spite of being in a happy relationship, your partner might be jealous of your ex. Here are some of them.

#1 – You still bring them up.

Be honest. How much time do you spend talking about your ex?

Do you find yourself telling the story of when you went camping? Do you pick up something in the grocery store and remark about how it was their favorite? When a song comes up onSpotifyand it reminds you of them, do you mention it? Do you ever suggest that your new person do something that might make them more like your old person, not even knowing that you are doing so?

I know you feel like these little mentions are innocent but they aren ‘ t. No one wants to hear about their person ‘ s ex and even little asides like these can be painful. If you do them frequently, the pain you are causing will only grow and jealousy will rear its ugly head.

So, take a good honest look at how much you talk about your ex. Might it be the reason why your partner is jealous of them?

#2 – Past hurts.

I am a 56 year old divorced woman. I date other 50ish divorced men. We are no longer 22 and starting out on the journey to findlove. We are people whose hearts have been through the wringer and we are very lucky to have come out the other side. We have lots of baggage. Heavy baggage.

For many of us, our exeshave cheated on us, emotionally or physically or both. As a result, we find it very hard to trust people of the opposite sex. We look for signs that our people are cheating and we thinkwho could be easier to cheat with than their ex.

It ‘ s not just the old folks who have baggage – plenty of 20 somethings do too. Whether your ex cheated on you or left you after promising to love you forever or lied to you about anything, you are going to have baggage that you might bring into the next relationship.

And, unless you are aware of it, that baggage could destroy your new relationship and maybe other relationships after that.

So, if your partner is jealous of your ex, it could be because they have been hurt in the past. If this is the case, I would encourage you to discuss what happened and work together to make sure they know that you are not that person, that you will do things differently.

And if you know what kind of baggage your person has, you are more likely to being able to help them carry it and lighten their load.

#3 – Insecurities

I have a client who has real body issues. She also isn ‘ t really wild about the color of her hair. She has always been this way and she has made peace with it. Or so she thought.

She met a guy a few months back and he had just gotten out of a long relationship. As a result, pictures of his ex were still on his social media and she had the chance one day to look at her. And she looked EXACTLY like my client had always wanted to look. Skinny, tiny with blond hair.

So, what did this do to my client? It made her feel incredibly insecure.

How, if her person had dated someone who looked like her ideal, could he ever be happy with tall redheaded her? Obviously, she wasn ‘ t his type and he was going to leave her someday.

The ex magnified the insecurities that she brought into the relationship. It was only by becoming aware of it that she was able to understand that that person was his ex, not his ideal.

He loved her now and had left his ex behind. There was no reason for her to be jealous.

#4 – Your relationship is shifting.

Are you a few months into a relationship and are things getting a little dicey?

Are you past the initial honeymoon phase and is real life, with friends, family, careers, hobbies, etc, invading the space that you had previously so carefully protected?

Is this invasion causing your relationship to be a little bit off kilter?

For many of my clients, when a relationship starts to founder, whether in ways small or large, their first instinct is to blame someone else, not to look at what might be happening in their relationship.

I have a client whose partner is overseas. Their relationship has been foundering in a big way since his deployment and, instead of taking a good look at why it might be, she is assuming that he has reconnected with an ex who is also overseas.

By thinking there is someone else, she can shift her focus from the difficult matter at hand (what is wrong in their relationship) to the existence of someone else and that being the cause of the relationship instability.

Is your relationship unstable right now? In big ways or small? That might be what is causing your person’s jealousy of your ex.

#5 – Projection.

This is one of the big paradoxes of human beings – our tendency to focus on one thing as the source of our misery (usually our romantic lives) instead of examining the big picture.

A client of mine has been going through a really hard time. She has been struggling at work. She doesn ‘ t like her job and it ‘ s making her feel badly about herself. She should be looking for another one but she just can ‘ t deal. Instead of looking inwards to fix herself, she is looking out for something else to blame her moods on.

And that something else is right there at her finger tips – her person ‘ s ex.

Your person ‘ s ex is a tangible thing – something that you know that you can be jealous of without seeming crazy (because everyone is jealous of their partner ‘ s ex). And it ‘ s easy, when you are feeling badly about yourself, to think that someone else ‘ s life is better and that your person would be much happier with that person than they are with you.

So, ask yourself – are you really jealous of your person ‘ s ex or are you unhappy somewhere else, or perhaps even with your self? Knowing the difference will help you start to take the steps to deal with what needs to be dealt with, so that you can feel good about yourself again and be happy.

Being in a happy relationship and, at the same time, having a partner who is jealous of your ex is extremely frustrating.

You know that you are done with your ex and you just don ‘ t get where your person is coming from and you are worried that this might be the beginning of the end. It doesn ‘ t have to be.

Take a look at the reasons why your person might be jealous of your ex and take the time to talk to them about it. Perhaps, together, you can fix it!

And you can live happily ever after!

5 Benefits of Breaking Up with Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

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I know it might be hard to see them now, but there are many benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love you back.

I know you might be madly in love with them, and be holding out a lot of hope for the future, but you loving them isn ‘ t enough to keep your relationship together.

I know you don ‘ t want to break up with them but, in your search for strength to do so, understanding the benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you might really help you.

So, here are five benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love you so that you can find the strength to move on.

#1 – No more thousand little cuts.

Do you find that every day you are in some kind of pain?

Perhaps your person hasn ‘ t done what they said they were going to do or perhaps they haven ‘ t shown up on time or perhaps they ignored your texts. Either way, no matter what they ‘ ve done, they have caused you pain. Probably daily.

These little pains are called 1000 little cuts and they happened every day to people who are in unhealthy relationships. And while it seems like only one big cut can draw blood, truly, 1000 little cuts are worse.

Imagine waking up in the morning not struggling with the pain of yesterday. Imagine going through your day knowing you won ‘ t be let down by someone, knowing that you won ‘ t have to worry about that text you had hoped you would have received or being hurt by being ignored. Instead, you would be able to go about your day feeling happy, not feeling cut to pieces.

One of the major benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t want to be with you is that you will no longer suffer those little daily pains.

#2 – You will find yourself again.

For many of us, being in a relationship means that we lose sight of who we are.

Whether we dig into our partners hobbies or choose to spend all our time with them because we love them so much or perhaps they hold onto us in a way that changes us, losing ourselves in a relationship can, and does, happen.

One of the benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love you is that you will be able to find yourself again. You will be able to use your time doing the things that you want to do, hanging out with the people who you want to hang out with and finding that joy in just who you are.

I know that when I got divorced, one of the things that I set out to do was to do things that I was never been comfortable doing during my marriage.

Over the course of 18 years, I found that I had really fallen into the pattern of doing the things that my husband wanted to do and lost track of the things that I wanted to do.

So, what did I do? I learned how to ride a JetSki, I moved to New York City by myself, I learned how do use a drill and could fix almost anything by myself.

All of those things made me realize again that I was my own person, someone who I could be proud to be.

#3 – You will have hope for the future.

Be honest. Does this relationship make you feel full of anxiety and overall hopeless? Does the future look bleak to you right now? Do you think you might never be happy again? Do you wish things could go back to the way they were at the beginning because where they are right now it ‘ s just not okay?

If you are feeling any of these things, then you are struggling with hopelessness. And hopelessness is not a part of a happy life and it certainly isn ‘ t part of a happy relationship.

While I know it might be painful to break up with your person, imagine how great it would feel to look to the future with hope. To look to the future as a time not full of tiny little cuts and not full of dread about what your day is going to look like but one that ‘ s full of love and happiness and self-respect.

So, know that, one of the benefits of breaking up with someone you love is that you can finally have hope for the future in a way you might not have had for a long time.

#4 – You can apply what you have learned.

From many of my clients, they are struggling so much with having to end a relationship that they have a hard time seeing the benefits of doing so. One of the biggest benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love you is that you get to gather up all the lessons you have learned into your romantic toolbox and use those things in a new relationship.

I know that there are many things that I did wrong in my marriage. I took my husband for granted. I treated him with contempt, I didn ‘ t spend time with him and I didn ‘ t tell him how unhappy I was.

When I got into my new relationship, my very happy relationship, I made sure to not make the same mistakes as I made before. To tell him how I was feeling, to tell him when he lets me down, to ask for what I want and not hope that he ‘ ll just be able to guess.

As a result, because I let go of somebody who didn ‘ t love me, I took my tools and moved forward into a new love, and I was able to find the love that I had been looking for.

#5 – You will find happiness and love.

Many of my clients tell me that they are worried that if they break up with someone they will never love and be loved again. What I tell them is that the only way that you will never love and be loved again is if you stay in a relationship that ‘ s making you feel bad about yourself.

Only by letting go of this love, releasing memories of the past and holding up hope for the future, will you be able to find the happiness and love that you truly want and desire.

Every moment that you spend in this relationship, compromising yourself, struggling through the thousand little cuts, is a day wasted finding the love that you still want.

So, take the steps necessary to walk away from someone who doesn ‘ t love you and move forward to find the happiness and love that you want.

Understanding the benefits of breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love you is the best way to get what you want.

I know the idea of breaking up with someone is incredibly painful and I applaud you for even considering it if you are unhappy. But know that, going through the pain of letting go of someone, can only bring you love and happiness in the end.

Again, I know it doesn ‘ t feel that way to do today but I can promise you, from personal experience, that it will happen, you can have a life and love full of hope.

 

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I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it helpful! www.letyourdreamsbegin.thinkific.com.

Why Your Husband Won’t Divorce You, Even if You Are Both Miserable

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Are you wondering why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you are miserable?

I know it seems counterintuitive, because why would your husband want to stay in a relationship where you are both very unhappy, and yet he just won ‘ t leave. Enough to drive you crazy, yes?

There are many reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even if things are really bad. Knowing what they are will help you process them and, maybe, give you a new perspective about how to talk to him about a potential divorce.

Here are five reasons why your husband won ‘ t divorce you.

#1 – Finances.

For many men, the most important part of their marriage is taking care of their family and a big part of taking care of their family is the finances. Men work very hard to give their families the best life they can and getting divorced might very well make that more difficult.

If you and your partner get divorced, your finances might be severely damaged. Getting a divorce is expensive. Having two households is expensive. Paying alimony and child support is expensive.

I have a client who worked hard to get his family to a good place. They had a nice house, two new cars and they could travel. When his wife asked for a divorce, he froze up. All of the hard work that he had done would be undone. He wasn ‘ t sure if he could bear it.

The prospect of damaging his finances, and his family ‘ ˜s finances, might be a big reason why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how unhappy you are.

#2 – The kids.

For many men, they know the divorce means less time with their children. And that is scary for them.

They are used to coming home every night and seeing their children. If there is a custody agreement, that could mean that they won ‘ t see their children every day. Or perhaps not on holidays or birthdays. I am sure that you think about that too but men know that women usually get primary custody.

They also may be concerned that a divorce would create acrimony between the two of you which might turn their children against them. That could mean issues with the kids that didn ‘ t exist before.

They might also be concerned that their kids will struggle without them there. Or that you might get into a new relationship that might jeopardize their relationship with them.

Wouldn ‘ t thinking about all of those things make you pause before moving forward with a divorce?

#3 – The shame.

For many people, divorce is still not ok.

People make vows to each other on their wedding day to love and cherish each other forever. Divorce is breaking that vow. That might bring a lot of shame on your husband.

For many men, making a commitment is very important. Making a commitment in front of all their friends and family is very important. For them the idea of giving up on their marriage and getting divorced is incredibly shameful especially after making such a promise.

Furthermore, giving up on his marriage might mean dividing your social group, a social group that he enjoys. That social group might even judge him or talk about him.

The idea of those things can be very daunting and make men not want to take action.

The very idea of divorce can be very embarrassing for a lot of men. They see it as failure. And they don ‘ t want to be a failure in the eyes of the world.

So, if your husband won ‘ t divorce you, even though you were miserable, it very well could be because of the shame associated with it.

#4 – Denial.

For many men, facing emotions can be very difficult. While it ‘ s very easy for us women to process our emotions, it can be far more difficult for a man to do so. As a result, they might not see just how bad the marriage is.

Are you and your husband able to talk about your relationship? Does he seem to understand that there are issues? When you bring up the prospect of a separation or divorce, does he just shake his head and say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t know what you ‘ re talking about, we are fine ‘ ?

If this is your husband, you should try to understand that he is, most likely, in denial about the state of your relationship and that this could be why you he won ‘ t divorce you.

Additionally, many men say that they don ‘ t believe in divorce and therefore they won ‘ t get one. I always tell them that if they don ‘ t believe in divorce, they need to start believing in marriage. And believing in marriage means working on it.

Working on a marriage can be scary but they might consider it better than getting a divorce.

#5 – Extended family.

For many men, their extended family is very important.

Their extended family is the one who they spent their childhood with, who taught them everything they know. And who created their issues and their habits.

As a result, many men are very concerned about what their family would think of them if they got a divorce.

Perhaps their parents were never divorced and they want to be like them. Perhaps they are worried about the judgment of their siblings. Perhaps, his parents never liked you and he doesn ‘ t want to prove them right.

Also, know that your family could be a part of why he won ‘ t divorce you. I know when my ex-husband asked for a divorce my mother made it all about her.

He had asked her for permission to marry me and he had promised he would love me forever. When he left me, my mother was furious. She spent the next few months complaining about how much he had let her down. That wasn ‘ t helpful for me!

So, don ‘ t underestimate the effect that your extended families might be having on his decision whether or not to get a divorce. Because it could be a significant part of this.

I hope you now have an understanding of why your husband won ‘ t divorce you, no matter how miserable you are!

I do believe that, for many women, marriage is about love. Relationships are about love. But for many men relationships are about responsibility. They ‘ re about finances, the kids, their place in society, and their family. The prospect of losing love might not be as daunting to them as it is to you.

That being said, there are many men who do believe in love and who want love. Those men might be holding on to the marriage because they don ‘ t want to let go of the love, or at least the hope of the love.

So, know that, while many of the things I ‘ ve talked about are relevant, in reality he might not want to divorce you because he holds out hope for the future.

I would encourage you to think about these things and talk to him about them so that you can make a decision together about moving forward.

7 Ways to Make Your Woman Feel Loved Every Day

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Good for you for wanting to make your woman feel loved every day.

Relationships are complicated. No one wants them to fall apart. No one wants anyone to be hurt. Everyone just wants love and happiness and happily ever after.

You can do your part to make that happen. Knowing how to make your woman feel loved every day is an excellent first (or seven) steps to doing so!

#1 – Make time.

I know, I know. Life is busy. There is work and friends and sports and mothers and kids and pets and chores and they all take up a lot of time.

That being said, while all of those things are important, the most important thing is right in front of you – your woman. Imagine if you didn ‘ t have her. What would you do then?

When your golf game needs some work, you practice more often. If a project at work is particularly challenging, you stay late to get it done right. So, how come so many men don ‘ t put the time into their relationship to keep it a happy one?

Spending time with your woman doesn ‘ t mean not paying attention to the other things in your life but it does mean making her a priority.

I have a client who plays golf every weekend, with his wife ‘ s permission. When he reached out to me he was feeling some distance from her and he wasn ‘ t sure why. I suggested that he not play golf one Saturday a month and make that a Saturday just for them.

What happened? His wife was thrilled to spend more time with him and she felt special because she knew that he was giving up time doing something he loved for her. Her distance immediately disappeared and they have a lot of fun on those Saturdays.

So, if you can make her your priority, you will make your woman feel loved everyday.

#2 – Don ‘ t be scared of her emotions.

I have a client who is married with 4 sons. Their house is always chaotic and it can wear on everyone ‘ s nerves.

My client ‘ s wife is prone to depression and often, when things, big or little, go wrong, she bursts into tears and takes to her bed.

I know, because I am a woman, that she wants to be followed to her bedroom and be comforted.

What does my client, and his boys, do? They run for the hills. They tip toe around the house, silent so as not to disturb her. They pretend like everything is ok. They do everything that they can think of doing except for following their wife/mother upstairs to help her process her emotions.

As a result, nothing gets settled and the men are all held captive by her emotions.

I know that your woman ‘ s tears are a scary thing – even a confounding thing – but if you try to not be scared of them and offer to help her process them, you will make her feel loved every day.

#3 – Do what you say you are going to do.

Are you one of those people who doesn ‘ t always do what you say you are going to do? Your intentions are good but things get in the way of you being able to follow through.

Do you tell your girl that you will be home at 6, even if you aren ‘ t going to be home until 8, because you don ‘ t want to make her mad? Or that you will go pick out the windows for the house renovation, even though chances are good that you will have to work? Or do you fully intend to stop at the grocery store on the way home but you just forget?

People don ‘ t follow through for a variety reasons. Very few of them are because we don ‘ t love someone. We do it to prevent our person from feeling hurt or let down or we are human and forget. But we don ‘ t do it because we don ‘ t love our person enough.

Unfortunately, people tend to personalize that someone doesn ‘ t do something for them. ‘ ˜If you loved me you would have done this ‘ is the phrase people hear when they haven ‘ t followed through

So, if you aren ‘ t good at following through, regardless of the reason, you definitely won ‘ t make your woman feel loved every day. Instead, you will make them feel unimportant and unloved.

Make sure you do what you say you are going to do. Allow your woman to feel confident that she can rely on you to always be there for her. And make her feel safe.

#4 – Talk and listen.

Have you ever thought to yourself ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her how I feel about her – she knows ‘

Do you take out the garbage faithfully, assuming that by doing so your girlfriend will know you love her?

If the answer to either question is YES then you are wrong!

Telling your woman how you feel about her is a key component in making her feel loved every day. She might have a sense of how you feel but to actually hear the words come out of your mouth let ‘ s her know that you have her back. That you care about her enough to tell her and that she knows that she can count on you to be there for her.

Also, another way for you to make a woman feel loved every day is for her to know that you are listening to her.

That when she talks you are paying attention and understanding what she is saying and feeling.

While you might be inclined to think that you need to ‘ ˜fix ‘ her to make her feel loved, in reality all she wants you to do is to listen and let her know that you are there for her.

So, next time your girl opens up to you, sit down and pay attention. Hold her hand, empathize with her feelings and confirm for her that you hear her, that you are there and that you always will be.

#5 – Be a man.

I know. I know. In this day and age men and women are equal. And my 26 year old daughter will kill me for saying this but the truth of the matter is that men can make women feel loved by just acting like a man.

Men are genetically programmed to be protectors. The survival of the species depended on men protecting their women and children from predators. That instinct is not gone in this 21stcentury world.

I am not saying that you need to brandish your club and knock down anyone who messes with your girl but make sure that she knows that you are there for her, to reach the things that she can ‘ t reach, to carry that load that is just too much for her, to hold the door open when her hands are full and to get rid of that dead mouse carcass the cat dragged in.

Tap into your inner caveman, without letting him take you over completely, and to help your woman feel loved.

#6 – Tell the truth. Always.

The number one most important thing to do to make your girlfriend feel loved is to be honest.

I said above that it is important that you always do what you say you are going to do but it is more than that.

For a woman to feel loved, she needs to feel trust. And if you can ‘ t be honest with her she can never trust you.

So, if you can ‘ t get home for dinner, tell her. If you need to see your mother instead of going out with her friends, don ‘ t make an excuse. Tell her the truth. If you ran up the credit card debt or forgot to give the kids a bath or need some time on your own, be direct and up front. Tell her the truth, right away.

Let her know that she can rely on you to be honest and if you do she will feel loved.

#7 – Love her as she wants to be loved.

I truly believe that one of the best tools in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman ‘ s5 Love Languages.

He posits on his website and his book his theory that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language they don ‘ t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husbands ‘ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that too.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Language atwww.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a short quiz that you and your partner can both take and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

Learning how to make your woman feel loved every day is an admirable goal.

It is the ultimate act of love to want to care of that special person in your life and good for you for wanting to take on the task.

I know that all of this might seem daunting but I can promise you that, with a little bit of practice, you can do these things and they will your woman feel loved and happy!

After all, as we all know, a happy woman means a happy household!

5 Signs You are Ready to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship

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Are you wondering if there are signs that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship?

Did it take you forever to get over the pain of your break up and are you hesitant to put yourself back out there again and be vulnerable?

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it can leave you destroyed and exhausted. The last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship with someone else, someone who might just hurt you all over again.

I believe, however, that taking a risk and stepping back into the dating world is a brave step and an important part of the healing process. Love and happiness are the goals and you are the only one who can reach that goal. But only when you are ready.

So, how can you tell when you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship? Here are 5 signs to help you decide.

#1 – You are no longer obsessed with your ex.

Ok, I don ‘ t mean to shut you down before we even start here. I am guessing that you are still thinking about your ex, especially as you consider getting back out there. Thinking about taking a risk, putting yourself back out there and starting all over again will naturally make you think of the relative security of your ex.

I say ‘ ˜relative ‘ – your relationship never really was secure, was it?

It is essential that, to be ready to date again after a toxic relationship, you have let go of your ex and the ‘ ˜security ‘ that that relationship provided for you. It ‘ s ok to still think about them, to some degree, but the obsession that you felt about them needs to have significantly subsided.

Why? Because as you start to meet new people, if you are still obsessed with your ex, you will only compare them to your date and shut yourself down right away. You most likely will only remember the good parts of your toxic relationship and you will seek those in a new person.

And that is a recipe for disaster because if you find someone like your ex, you will only be repeating history.

So, make sure that you have let go of your ex before you put your toe back into the dating pool.

#2 – You know why the relationship was toxic.

A key part of being ready to date after a toxic relationship is understanding what happened that made your relationship toxic.

A client of mine, after finally escaping a toxic relationship, couldn ‘ t let go of the belief that everything that was wrong in the relationship was all her fault. She believed that if she had only been more understanding, more sexual, more supportive, then her relationship would have flourished.

But the reality is that the toxicity was on both her and her partner. He was controlling and she let him. He was rough in bed and she shut down. He needed her unconditional support, and when he felt that she didn ‘ t give him enough, he was abusive.

After working with me, she came to see that the toxicity wasn ‘ t her fault but a combination of his abuse and her allowing him to abuse her.

Knowing this, knowing that she was a part of what happened but that it wasn ‘ t all her fault, made her more ready to let another person into her life. She knew that she could change her behaviors and reactions and that might save any future relationship from becoming toxic.

#3 – You have rebuilt your self-esteem.

When we get out of toxic relationships, we often feel really horrible about ourselves.

Days, weeks or years of abuse and gaslighting have led us to believe that we are ugly, that we aren ‘ t loveable, that we are worthless.

And the kind of person who believes those things about themselves will only attract other people who feel bad about themselves.

It is essential that, if you are struggling with low self-esteem, you do the work that you need to do to feel better about yourself. Spend time with people who love you, do the things that you have always wanted to do, don ‘ t obsess about the past but look to the future, take care of yourself.

If you feel good about yourself as you head back into the dating world, you will attract the kind of person who feels good about themselves as well.

#4 – You know you will not ignore red flags going forward.

Be honest. When your toxic relationship started, you saw a lot of red flags, didn ‘ t you?

Maybe he told you about toxicity with his ex? Maybe you saw how controlling she could be? Maybe you knew that he had no friends and was obsessed with you?

And, did you ignore those red flags? Did you believe that if you only loved your person enough you could fix them? Were you wrong?

Make sure that, going forward, you are willing to recognize red flags and act on them. Be prepared to walk away. Only by doing so can you find the kind of person who can give you the healthy relationship you seek.

#5 – You really, really want to date.

Dating is hard. Dating takes time and patience. Dating takes a willingness to make yourself vulnerable. If you want to date, you need to make sure that it is something that you really want to do.

Many people come to me, thinking that they are ready to put themselves back out there but they aren ‘ t, for whatever reason, willing to put in the time and energy necessary. They want to sit back and wait for people to come to them. They want to say yes to dates but then cancel. They just don ‘ t have their heart in it 100%. And, when they don ‘ t find their person, they get disheartened and shut down.

So, take a good hard look at yourself and see if you are really and truly ready to put yourself back out there. If you aren ‘ t, don ‘ t do it yet. You will only set yourself up for failure and that will only set your self-esteem back again.

Recognizing that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship is very important to doing so successfully, so that you can find the love you seek.

Make sure that you are longer thinking about your ex all the time. Take the time to look at what happened in the relationship so that you don ‘ t make the same mistakes again and be prepared to notice red flags. Rebuild your self-esteem and don ‘ t put yourself out there before you are ready.

If you can do these things, you will be ready to date again, primed to find the person who can make your dreams come true.

 

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