5 Reasons Why You Should Set Boundaries In An Abusive Marriage Now

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Does your spouse abuse you emotionally and/or physically? Do you spend most days living with fear and shame and self-loathing? If yes, it ‘ s time to set boundaries in an abusive marriage before it kills you.

For many people who are in an abusive marriage, getting out right now just isn ‘ t an option. Whether its financial considerations, concerns for yourself or your children, geographical issues or sheer terror, the need to stay in place is necessary.

If you are in this place, it is essential to set boundaries in an abusive marriage now so that you can survive, and maybe even thrive, as you live through it.

What kind of boundaries? Let me share!

#1 – Take care of yourself.

It essential that, if you are being emotionally or physically abused, you make an effort to take care of yourself.

We all need affection and loving touch and if you aren ‘ t getting love from your spouse, it is important that you love yourself. Loving yourself, and believing that you are worthy, is very hard to do when you are constantly being demeaned so demonstrating to yourself that you are loved is very important.

What makes you feel loved? A hot bath? Time with your girlfriends? A ‘ ˜Real Housewives ‘ binge? A massage?

Take an accounting of what you could do to make yourself feel loved and pampered. If you can do this, you will be able to stay in touch with the fact that you deserve to be loved and cared for, even if the person in your life isn ‘ t making you feel that way.

#2 – Spend time with those who love you.

If you find yourself in the middle of a lot of anger and insults every day, it is important that you make sure that you spend time with people who love you.

Much like the self-love I described before, being surrounded by people who love you just the way you are is an important part of surviving an abusive relationship.

They will remind you that you are a wonderful person, deserving of love and affection. They will remind you that what is happening isn ‘ t your fault. They will remind you that you have strength, strength to survive this and get through it. They will remind you that there is a life worth living out there.

So, make sure that you reach out to friends and family as much as possible. If your partner makes it difficult for you, make it a priority to make it happen whenever you can, even if just for a short period.

Do it! You will be glad you did!

#3 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Many of my clients who are in abusive relationships blame themselves for the abuse that is being showered down upon them.

Their abuser is forever telling them that what is happening is all their fault, that if they just did this or that differently their partner wouldn ‘ t be forced to discipline them. They tip toe around, hoping to not get noticed or blamed. And this is not okay.

It is important to understand that the abuse that is happening to you is not your fault. Yes, we are all humans and we make mistakes, but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they might do or say.

Most abusers have something that has caused them damage in their life and that leads them to abuse others. Some kind of trauma or abuse that has led them to do the same to you.

The reason that it’s essential to set boundaries in an abusive relationship is so that you don ‘ t lose touch with who you are. Learning how to not blame yourself is a key part of keeping in touch with that person and not letting the abuse tear you down completely.

#4 – Believe that this isn ‘ t forever.

I know that right now it feels like you will be in this place forever, that the abuse that is rained down on you daily is something that will always be a part of your life.

But it doesn ‘ t have to be that way.

Yes, you might be stuck in this relationship now, for whatever reason, but it doesn ‘ t have to be this way forever.

When you are ready, there are ways to get out. When the kids are gone or when the money isn ‘ t so tight or when you have the outside support you need, you will be able to escape this abusive relationship and get on with your life.

Believing that this will be your one and only life will make it very difficult to move forward, to not let yourself sink into feelings of hopelessness and despair.

There is hope and help out there that can enable you lead a happy and fulfilling life, when you are ready and able.

#5 – Get help.

If you are feeling the need to set boundaries in an abusive marriage, I am guessing that things are going from bad to worse and that you know that if you don ‘ t set some kind of boundaries you might die, or worse.

If you are in this place, please try to get help. There are all sorts of people out there who can help you get through, and out of, an abusive relationship.

If you are struggling with depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to give you an anti-depressant. Just being a little bit less depressed might motivate you to get out. Talk to your therapist about where you can seek help to get you through this time. Ask your life coach about coping mechanisms. Look for support groups in your area.

If you are going through an abusive relationship, you are not alone. There are many trained professionals who can help you get through this relationship intact. There are also many people who are in, or were in, abusive relationships. Connecting with them will help you develop relationships with people who have shared experiences, people who can help you with understanding what is happening to you and to teach you coping skills for getting through it.

You don ‘ t have to go this alone, so don ‘ t!

Learning how to set boundaries in an abusive marriage is the key to surviving it.

Perhaps you can ‘ t get out of the relationship now but you can learn how to take care of yourself, to draw the line in the sand so that you can keep yourself as healthy as you can to ride this out.

Take care of yourself, don ‘ t blame yourself, spend with others, look to the future and get some help.

Abusive relationships are devastating and, to survive them, you must take care of yourself. You can do it!

 

If you have made this far you must really be struggling in an abusive marriage.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it ‘ s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Red Flags to Look for if Your Relationship Seems Too Good to Be True

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Are you wondering if your relationship is too good to be true?

Are you the kind of person who often finds themselves in super intense relationships, ones where it feels like the sky is the limit and that you will be happy forever, only to find yourself left broken hearted and alone?

Have you been left by someone who is overwhelmed by your behavior or have you left someone you loved because your relationship isn ‘ t meeting your needs?

Ironically, sometimes relationships that are the most intense are the ones that leave us most open to the risk of being hurt. And the relationships that are intense are the ones that are hardest to resist because the passion is so compelling.

Luckily, there are ways to identify people who might seem to be THE one but who might be a risky choice for a long-term relationship.

Below are some red flags that are easy to spot. Knowing them will help you make conscious choices.

#1 – They are impulsive.

People who are impulsive are people who act on their gut. Their mind usually ignores what logic is screaming at them and they do what they want when they want to.

An impulsive person might look at you across the room, decide that you are the one for them and make you fall madly in love with them. An impulsive person could introduce you to their kids and parents after knowing you for just a week. An impulsive person could whisk you away on a romantic island vacation, promising that it will be the first of many.

And an impulsive person could see a person on the beach next to them on said romantic island and decide that that person is the one for them. And leave you.

Being with an impulsive person can be really fun. The living moment to moment, never knowing what is on the horizon and enjoying what comes when it does. The falling in love quickly and making mad love for days. It ‘ s all very exciting and, most likely, very temporary.

So, watch out for someone who is impulsive. Look instead for someone who is more thoughtful and deliberate in their approach to love. Thoughtful and deliberate people can be passionate too and the passion might even last!

#2 – They are WAY into sex.

At the beginning of a relationship, being with someone who is interested in lots of sex is exciting. The dopamine rush that occurs when wrapped around your person as they make you feel loved and wanted is intoxicating. As time goes on, the need for sex subsides somewhat, as you settle into a comfortable relationship.

Unfortunately, there are some people who need to have sex constantly. The reasons for this are varied but they are real. And, the person who need constant sex is most usually the kind of person who will need to move on and find someone else to fill their needs. Or, even worse, they will stay with you and seek sex elsewhere anyway.

So, pay attention to your person at the beginning of your relationship. How do they feel about sex? Do they seem obsessed or do they need to do things that might be out of the ordinary? Do you find that you can ‘ t always reach them and do you wonder if they might be with someone else?

If you are with this kind of person and are trying to make a relationship out of it, you are taking a big risk. Know that your person most likely won’t be able to change their ways and your heart will be at risk of being shattered.

#3 – They are self-centered.

We have all been in relationships with people who are self-centered. We have all been in relationships with people who are so much about themselves but, in the beginning, it appears that they are all about you.

People who are self-centered believe that the world revolves around them and, while they seem to do things for your pleasure, they are really doing it for their own.

At first, a self-centered person will look at you with big love and make love to you passionately. You will feel like the center of universe, until you aren ‘ t. Until you realize that your person is doing what they are doing for you for their own self-satisfaction, to meet their own selfish needs to feel good about themselves.

A self-centered person will fight you tooth and nail if you try to point this out to them because they know that if they lose you they will feel pain and they don’t want that. When you do fight, after they will make passionate love to you, to make themselves feel better.

So, stay away from people who believe that the world revolves around them. It might seem wonderful at first but, before long, you will see that it ‘ s all about them and nothing about you.

#4 – They run hot and cold.

I have a client who is in love with a man who does, from what I can tell, love her back. More often and not, however, you wouldn ‘ t know it.

Some days he calls her over and over, asking how she is and telling her he misses her. And then he disappears for weeks only to reappear and pay attention to her. He tells her how excited he is to see her and then yells at her for being so demanding. He tells her that she is hot but then tells her another girl is hotter.

When my client and her guy are ‘ ˜on, ‘ it ‘ s amazing. She is so in love and their sex is amazing and she feels sure that she will live happily ever after. And then, as if a switched was flipped, her guy is unkind and disrespectful and gone.

If your person is like this, if your person is always changing to the point that sometimes you don ‘ t recognize them, consider walking away. A person who runs hot and cold will always be this way and, if they don ‘ t make you happy as they are, they will never make you happy.

#5 – They can ‘ t sit still.

I have always been a restless person. I have lived in 5 countries, 7 cities and 9 states over the course of my lifetime. For the past 15 years, I have moved every 2.5 years. For the past 10 years I have had quite a few boyfriends. I am the definition of restless.

And what does this mean in relationship? It means that I swoop in, ready for something new, willing to dig deep quickly and get someone to fall madly in love with me. And I fall in love with them too, until, about 8-12 weeks in, I get the itch to move on. So, I do, leaving my person dazed and heartbroken.

I would imagine that many of those men would say that they were very happy that they had me in their life for that short time but I am guessing that some of them would have preferred if I had stayed.

If your person is like me, present with you now but always looking towards the next horizon, pause and think carefully before you get in too deep. You could find yourself heartbroken.

Recognizing the red flags that are there if your relationship feels too good to be true is a very smart thing to do!

An intense, passionate relationship is all well and good but what we really need for long lasting love is a person who doesn ‘ t dive in too deep too quickly, who has a healthy sexual appetite, who isn ‘ t all about themselves, whose moods are constant and who is willing to sit still.

If you recognize any of the things I have mentioned in your partner, be aware that they are huge red flags and that they are worth looking at before you crash!

 

If you have made this far you must be struggling with whether or not your relationship is working.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get your heart broken.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong during Coronavirus Isolation

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Are you stuck at home with your significant other, wondering how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation? Good for you for being proactive.

Coronavirus has changed, at least temporarily, the everyday life that we Americans have lived for so long. Instead of going to work and school, the grocery store and the movies, we are stuck at home. And if there is nothing that Americans suck at more, it ‘ s staying at home.

One of the first relationship that get frayed during crisis and isolation is often our romantic one. As time, fear and boredom take over, the instinct to take it out on your partner is not small.

There are ways to get through these scary times with your relationship intact, and maybe even stronger. Let me suggest how.

#1 – Respect each other ‘ s fears.

In our house, my boyfriends and my way of dealing with everything that is going on is quite different. I have been obsessed with watching the news and learning everything that I can about what is going on (without getting hysterical). For my partner, he has been keeping up on the news peripherally but generally going about his life.

To his credit, he is happy to sit there and listen to me while I spout out whatever information I might have just learned. What occurred to me yesterday, when I was sharing ‘ ˜just one more thing, ‘ was that I might be driving him crazy and stressing him out by interrupting him all time and sharing whatever tidbit I had discovered.

If your partner is like me and you are more like my partner, are you being supportive and listening? If your partner is lackadaisical and you are stressed out, are you respecting their need to be that way and not insisting that they listen to everything that you have to say?

If you and your partner are reacting differently to this health scare know that, to keep your relationship strong, having a talk about the differences and making an effort to respect those difference will help keep your relationship strong.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s space.

Weekends are lovely at home but, more often than not, when Monday rolls around my guy and I are ready to get back to work and have some space. Not because we don ‘ t love each other madly but because sometimes too much togetherness isn ‘ t necessarily a good thing.

It is important that, to keep your relationship strong during this time where you and your partner might be stuck at home together, you respect each other ‘ s space. That no matter the anxiety, or the boredom, that might be consuming you both, give your partner the time to step back and take care of themselves.

What does that look like at our house? My boyfriend is, as we speak, in the garage working on a car project that he hasn ‘ t been able to get to because he has been working so hard. I am inside, on the couch with my kitty by my side, writing my blog. When I am done, I will make lunch for both of us and then he will go back to the garage and I will do some yoga. Later on, we will take a walk.

Not being in the same space 24/7 is going to be a key part of us getting through all of this together time intact. You can do it too. Because none of us wants to be alone during this time, and no one wants to be even more stressed out because their partner is driving them crazy.

#3 – Respect each other ‘ s needs.

Everybody has needs that help calm them during stressful times. It is important that, right now, we try to identify, respect and meet each other ‘ s needs.

For me, right now I need to be able to putter around my house. Keeping it orderly makes me calmer. I need to be able to cook comfort food, even if it isn ‘ t healthy. Having my feet rubbed during our evening TV makes me happy too.

For my partner, shockingly, it seems to be sex that he needs. I tried to postpone indulging last night and was met with a frown and a pouty face. I indulged him and he was happy. He also finds peace working on any car – solving problems and finding a cure.

Try to figure out what your partner needs during this stressful time. If you can ‘ t identify what they need, ask them. A key part of living together in peace will be by giving each other what you each need.

#4 – Respect your time together.

If there is one thing that couples in America don ‘ t have enough of its time together.

Our crazy work and parenting schedules make it so, at times, couples barely say more than a few words to each other over the course of a day other than ‘ ˜good morning ‘ and ‘ ˜good night. ‘ We are accustomed to this being the way things are but the way things are are rarely good for any relationship.

A wonderful way to take advantage of this time that you and your partner have together, and to keep your relationship strong, is to do things together. Take walks, binge watch ‘ Better Call Saul, ‘ have backgammon marathons, fool around. You have nothing but time right now so make the best of it!

Using this time of coronavirus isolation for good can be just the thing that saves a relationship that is struggling and making stronger one that is intact.

#5 – Respect yourself.

It is important, during this time of crisis, that you respect and care for yourself.

Men and women, both, have a tendency to go into overdrive with care giving and crisis management when confronted with something unknown and scary like the coronavirus. And when we do that, we can suck ourselves completely dry.

Make an effort to take care of yourself. Take baths, take walks, exercise (outdoors), watch cute cat videos on YouTube, play with your kids. Whatever it is that gives you pleasure, even in the short term.

If you find yourself wearing out and getting crabby, think about what they tell us on airplanes – ‘ ˜put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. ‘ That ‘ s what we need to do right now. Even if you are working hard to keep your children feeling safe (and not bored) or dealing with a crabby partner who hates sitting still, make a conscious effort to step back, if only for a bit, and take care of yourself!

Knowing how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation is a key part of getting through the crisis intact.

Don ‘ t belittle your partner ‘ s emotions, share what you both need to get through this, make the most of your time together and take care of yourself!

I know it feels like everything has changed and will never be the same but we will get through this as a nation and our relationship can survive and, even thrive, in spite of it all.

If you have made this far you must really be going a little crazy with isolation.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get crazier.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Why He Won’t Let You Go Even if He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

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Are you dating a guy and are you wondering why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship?

Does he tell you that it ‘ s over and walk out only to return a few days or weeks later, smiling and charming?

Are these things happening over and over, leaving you confused and unhappy?

So, why does your guy keep doing this, even if he knows it hurts you? It’s not a simpleanswer.

#1 – He is unhappy alone.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you, but won’t let you go, then it is possible that he is simply lonely.

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to be with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that is left in your absence, he keeps coming back so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably let him come back because you aren ‘ t enjoying being alone either.

So, if your guy is keeping you around even if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – He has insecurities.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t love you but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. Perhaps he won’t let you go hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move forward.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you on a string could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date might be just too overwhelming and, as a result, he comes back to you, hoping to make it work so that he can feel better about himself.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why he keeps you around.

#3 – He wants sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but keeps coming back he could very well be coming back just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘

This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might be coming back to her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy reappears, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – He needs you.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about breakups is that one of the reasons they are so difficult to stick to is because of the habits that we have created in our relationships.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

He also might miss the things that you do for him – washing his clothes or making his dinner. Keeping the fridge stocked and toothpaste under the sink. Having to do those things on his own is difficult and he knows that if he keeps you around, you will handle them.

So, if your guy keeps coming back, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits and because he needs you. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go.

#5 – He has hope.

Of course, sometimes guys won’t let you go because they genuinely want to work things out. He generally wants to make a life with you. And when that happens, and you want to work things out too, I encourage you to greet him with open arms. And caution.

It is important, if your guy comes back because he wants to work things out, that you guys talk about what went wrong in your relationship. That you both completely understand any issues that might have developed over time and that you make a plan, together, to do things differently.

You can build a relationship by doing things differently. History repeats itself over and over until we take steps to make change. Take a good hard look at your relationship, see what went wrong and work together to make those things right.

You can do it.

The question of why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship is incredibly hurtful, confusing and frustrating.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look at what happens when your guy comes back. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit orbecause he just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he really genuinely wants to try to work it out.

Ask these questions before you open that door. Knowing the answers, and acting on them, could prevent a whole lot of pain.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with your guy.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

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Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Surviving Repeated Infidelity: Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

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Has your partner cheated on you over and over and over? Are you wondering about surviving repeated infidelity, whether it ‘ s time for you to stay in or get out of the relationship?

Whether your partner has cheated on you once or cheated on you multiple times, your pain is real and your feelings are overwhelming and asking yourself how you are going to get through this is really important.

There are a few questions that you can ask yourself to help you make the decision about whether you should stay or you should go.

#1 – Is your partner truly remorseful?

Surviving repeated infidelity and keeping your relationship intact is harder than if the infidelity is a one-time thing but there is one element that is essential as the first step to get past both kinds of affairs: remorse.

If your partner is fooling around on you over and over and over then it ‘ s important that they accept responsibility for their actions.

Do they truly show you remorse and acknowledge that what they did was wrong and how much they hurt you? Or do they try to put some (or all) of the blame back on you – that you were ignoring them or not having sex with them or some other sort of excuse that lets them off the hook?

If your partner can ‘ t or won ‘ t acknowledge their responsibility for the affair then it is very possible that it will happen again. Even if it doesn ‘ t happen again, the rest of your relationship could involve them blaming you for their actions.

So, take a good hard look at your partner. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and the pain they caused you? If not, perhaps it ‘ s time for you to go.

#2 – Is your partner willing to get help?

Serial infidelity is not something that happens in a void. People who fool around over and over are people who are struggling with who they are in some way.

People who have a single affair don ‘ t generally set out to have an affair. There is something missing in their marriage, maybe something they aren ‘ t even aware of. And then they meet someone, maybe at work, someone who is having the same experiences as they and they strike up a friendship. As the friendship grows, so do the feelings between the two of them. Eventually, this connection can lead to an affair.

People who cheat more than once on their partner, either one at a time or perhaps with multiple other partners, are generally people who set out to have an affair. And the reasons that they set out to have the affairs are many.

Perhaps they are feeling unhappy in their primary relationship and seek someone who understands them. Perhaps they want more sex then they are getting in their current relationship. Perhaps they need to have sex with more than one person to feel good about themselves. Perhaps they have abandonment issues that make them need to leave the person they are with so that they aren ‘ t left. Perhaps they are struggling with trust issues and don ‘ t believe that anyone could be faithful to them.

The list of reasons why someone cheats repeatedly is endless but what is important for deciding whether to stay or go is whether your person is willing to take a good hard look at why they cheat repeatedly and agree to get some help to manage it.

I do believe that relationship counseling can help move the relationship towards a resolution but I think that it ‘ s essential that the cheater gets some help to understand and deal with the source of their cheating.

So, if your person is willing to get help, then perhaps staying, at least for now, is a good idea.

#3 – Do you still like your partner?

An important question to ask about surviving repeated infidelity is whether or not you still like your person.

I have a client whose husband cheated on her. She was so very angry and we talked a lot about her anger and sense of betrayal. And then one day I asked her ‘ ˜Do you still like your husband? I know you are angry with him but do you still like him? ‘

My client didn ‘ t have a clear answer about that but we worked through it and she decided that yes, while she was angry, she still liked, and loved, her husband.

I know many partners of cheaters who do not like their person after they cheat. They feel hurt and anger and they also feel hatred. That hatred is hard to overcome no matter how much therapy a couple attends. For others, love stays in spite of the betrayal.

So, ask yourself, do you still like you partner? If not, then perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away.

#4 – Can you forgive and move on?

An essential part of surviving repeated infidelity is not about your partner but about you. Can you forgive and move on?

There are two people to forgive in the aftermath of infidelity – your partner, of course, but also yourself. Yes, yourself.

For many of us who are cheated on we are left with a tremendous amount of self-loathing. How could we have missed the signs? Why were we not good enough? Was it our body or our face or our personality or our lack of good sexual techniques that sent our partner out to find someone else? And if your partner cheated on you repeatedly, the self-loathing could be magnified.

It is important that we not only forgive our partners for their infidelity but also forgive ourselves for any perceived shortcomings that we might be holding on to.

#5 – Can you see finding a new connection?

I know that right now you are feeling angry and wondering if you could possibly ever actually connect with your partner again. Perhaps you are feeling insecure that you could never give them what they got from their lover. Perhaps you don ‘ t know if you could possibly trust them or see them in the same way again.

An important consideration as to whether you should stay or go is can you see yourself being able to form a new connection with your partner, one that might be different from the connection that you had before.

One of things that happen after affairs is that the original couple gets shattered. The bedrock that held the couple together, the love, the little inside jokes, the patterns and routines are all gone and the couple must reinvent their relationship, to make it other than what it was that opened it up to infidelity, so that it can survive.

Are you and your partner willing to do that? Do you both see a path to finding each other again? To establishing a new path so that you can grow stronger together and build a new relationship full of love and trust.

It might be difficult but, if you can do it, you might just be successful in surviving repeated infidelity.

Surviving repeated infidelity can be a big struggle, bigger even than surviving a one-time affair.

Asking yourself, and your partner, the tough questions will give you the answers you need as to whether you should stay or you should go.

Is your partner taking responsibility for their actions? Are they willing to get help to identify why they repeatedly cheat? Do you still like your partner, can you forgive and move on? Do you see a path to a new relationship? All of these things are important to take into account when figuring out what your next steps are.

This won ‘ t be easy but I can promise you that you will survive it!

 

If you have made this far you must be focused on surviving repeated infidelity.

Let me help you figure things out, NOW, so you can a decision and move foward.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do Before Letting Go of Finding Love

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There comes a time in everyone ‘ s life when they are thinking about letting go of finding love.

For a long time now, they have been doing everything that they can do to find the person of their dreams – online dating, being social at parties, asking friends to set them up etc. And, even if they meet someone, that someone doesn ‘ t turn out to be the person for them.

It ‘ s exhausting, this dating game, and at times it seems hopeless. But I am here to tell you that it ‘ s not!

Before you give up, there are some things that are important to do to set yourself up for finding the love of your life. I know that they work. I tried them and, 2 years in, I am living happily ever after!

#1 – Check yourself.

An important thing to do when you are considering letting go of finding love is making sure that you are in love with yourself.

Many people seek love and affirmation from an another person. It is only through their lover ‘ s eyes that they can feel whole and happy. Only in the company of their person can they feel strong and confident and worthy of love.

Who, may I ask, needs this kind of pressure? Certainly not your person.

As a result, because we don ‘ t love and know ourselves, our relationships fail.

So, if you are afraid that you may never find true love, take some time and get to know yourself. Take a good look at who you are in the world. What your goals and values are.

Get to know the person you are outside of relationships. Is there a part of that person who might need some attention? Would understanding that part of yourself and helping that part heal feel good?

After my divorce, I worked hard on figuring out who I was. I did lots of therapy, tons of yoga and took many long walks. I volunteered at a food shelter and learned the value of purpose and giving back. I spent time alone, not always by choice, but I learned to really appreciate it.

And then, when I was ready, I started my own life-coaching business and began public speaking. I renewed my sense of purpose and my self-confidence grew exponentially. It was then that I met my guy. And because of how I felt about myself, I was able to give myself fully to love without being clingy or needy. It felt good!

I know it seems daunting, getting to know ourselves and doing the work outside of a relationship but it is, I can promise, the most important thing that you can do to ensure that you will someday find real love.

#2 – Look away.

Sometimes, an important part of finding true love is to stop looking for it. Sometimes, the dogged pursuit of something only pushes it farther away.

Do you spend all of your free time thinking about your potential partner? Do you spend hours swiping right and left and engaging in conversations that go nowhere? Do you find yourself more often than not discouraged by your journey?

If this is the case, then perhaps it ‘ s time to take a break and focus on something else. Perhaps you can dig into your work a little deeper or volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Perhaps you can train for a marathon or take that trip you have always wanted to take. Anything that would make you happy and feel fulfilled and allow you to do some of the work that I talked about above.

The benefits of giving yourself a break from dating are many. Not having that daily discouragement caused by dating can do wonders for your moods and your feelings of hopelessness. Doing things that you love can fill you up with that happiness that will allow you to attract happy people. AND, putting yourself out in the world will open you up to many new opportunities to meet other people. You never know, one of those people might be your person and you never might have met them with your eyes on your phone, swiping.

If you are considering letting go of finding love, stop looking so hard. Live your life a little.You will be glad you did.

#3 – Reassess.

Does your dating profile contain well defined specifics about what you want in a guy? Do you have criteria about height, income, location, age and marital status? Do you tend not to even consider people outside of those definitions?

How is that working out for you so far?

Allowing yourself to only consider a narrow swath of the population as a good fit for you really limits your chance at finding happiness. I know that we all have a ‘ ˜type ‘ but that ‘ ˜type ‘ hasn ‘ t necessarily worked for us so far so perhaps it ‘ s time to find another ‘ ˜type. ‘

I know that if I had met my guy on a dating site I would have swiped right past him. He was separated, living in NH, 5 years older than me and he had a mustache!! Never in a million years would I have gone out with him. Luckily, I met him IRL and connected with him immediately.

So, take a good hard look at your criteria and see where you might be able to broaden things. Give some people a chance who you might not have previously done so. Do things differently and things might end up differently.

#4 – Look back.

Another very important thing to do before letting go of finding love is to take a good hard look at what has happened in our previous relationships. By doing so, we can get a good sense of what we want and what we don ‘ t want in our next one. We can define what went wrong and figure out how to do things differently.

I know that a big thing for me is to have a guy who does what he says he will do. I know that ‘ s not always possible but I want not doing it to be the exception and not the rule.

It took me 20 years of marriage and 5 years of post-divorce dating to figure this out. And once I was able to figure it out I was able to ask for what I wanted – to have my guy follow up on what he said he would do.

There were other things that were important to me, like reasonable alcohol consumption, a good relationship with family and similar values, and being able to identify those allows me to look out for them when I was dating. More importantly, knowing these things allows me to see the red flags when they popped up before I got too attached.

So, take some time and revisit what has happened in your past relationships so that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again. Doing so will help you find the true love that you have always sought.

#5 – Believe.

A key part of finding true love, even if you are afraid that you will never do so, is to believe that you will.

I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but if you don ‘ t believe, if you give up and are lonely and bitter, then your being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that only if you have faith that something will happen does it happen.

A few years back, when I was feeling as lost as you might be right now, I created a love dream for myself. I wrote a few paragraphs about what I wanted my love future to be. It involved my love for myself, the way my man made me feel and what our life looked like.

I kept that love dream somewhere where I could read it often and I did. Reading and rereading it gave me hope, even in dark times.

I found that love dream a few months ago, tucked away in a pile of papers. Literally everything that I had envisioned for myself 5 years ago has come true. So, don ‘ t give up. Believe that your love is out there. I know they are.

If you are thinking about letting go of finding love, I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to make sure that you do live happily ever after.

First and foremost, take a step back if you need to and get to know and love yourself. Make sure that you know who and what you want in a relationship because it ‘ s hard to find things if you don ‘ t know what you are looking for. And, most importantly, don ‘ t give up. Love is out there for you – just you wait!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of finding love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before your give up.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

8 Things To Try When Feeling Depressed And Lonely

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You know those days when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Let me help you manage the depression and loneliness. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that make you feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed all of the time, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed and lonely, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed you are ready.

#3 – Manage your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone. Or rather three!

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5 – Share your feelings.

Sharing your depression and loneliness with another person is a key part of dealing with it.

They say that what is kept inside the head is 4x more intense than what is spoken. Also, if you share your depression you might learn something that will help you manage it. We all have things that work for us and sharing them with others can be very helpful.

If you have someone you can talk with about your depression and loneliness then absolutely do it. Be it a therapist, a life coach, a friend or a partner, let those overwhelming thoughts out of your head and into the world.

From there your thoughts have a reduced power and are easier to deal with.

#6 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#7 – Find a friend.

I know. When you are feeling depressed and lonely one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#8 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse. Which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely all of the time it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed and lonely.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Reasons Why Letting Go Of A Past Love Is Crucial To Your Happiness

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Is there anything harder to do than letting go of a past love?

Do the memories of the happiness you felt in that relationship keep you from moving on with your life and being happy?

If your answer is yes, then you are like many people in the world, people who are crippled by their broken heart and unable to get past it.

I believe that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness here and now as well as your chances of being happy in the future.

#1 – Your sadness is holding you back.

One thing about sadness and depression is that it holds you back from living fully.

Do you find that you would rather stay home, feeling sad, waiting hopefully to hear from your person? Do your friends find you tiresome to be with because all you can do is talk about your ex and so they no longer invite you out? Do you find, if you are out, that you have a hard time having fun because you are pre-occupied by thoughts of your ex.

It is very hard to be happy, to live your life fully, if you are stuck in the past. Thoughts of what were and might have been keep you from looking at the life you are living right now, and to appreciate things, small and big, that are wonderful.

And, if you don ‘ t notice the world around you, if you don ‘ t engage in it fully, you can never find the happiness you seek.

#2 – That baggage is really heavy.

One of the most important reasons that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness is because of the weight of the baggage from that past love.

I have a client who is was in a 10 year relationship with someone who treated her horribly. He was an alcoholic who lied to her and cheated on her repeatedly. She hung on for 10 years, hoping it would all work out. But, in the end, she couldn ‘ t hold on any longer. She had to leave him before she lost herself completely.

Unfortunately, the relationship had caused her a significant amount of damage. She no longer trusted anyone, she was very sensitive to other ‘ s drinking, she felt easily abandoned and she didn ‘ t feel worthy of love. She seemed like a functioning person in the world but she wasn ‘ t.

So, when she got involved with a new guy she brought all of the baggage that she had from her previous relationship into her new one. She didn ‘ t trust him at all, counted his drinks, was very sensitive to his absences and obsessed about how he could possibly love her.

We worked hard on identifying those triggers for her, to recognize that she was projecting the behaviors of the old guy onto the new one which was making her miserable and threatening to destroy her new relationship.

Only once she accepted and worked through the issues that were her baggage was she able to accept her new guy as he was and put her ex in the rearview mirror.

#3 – You will never find someone else.

Do you want to find someone to love who will love you completely? Are you struggling to find that person in spite of how much you would like to?

Unfortunately, it will be literally impossible to find someone new if you are obsessing about your ex. If you are spending all of your time staying home depressed or, when you are out, not picking up your head and seeing what is out there, then even if someone does come along you might not see them.

It is important that you put your energy out there as a single, available person in the world, not someone who is mired in misery because of a past break up.

I remember when I got together with my guy. I literally had my head in my hands on a bar, talking to a good friend. I was devastated at yet another break-up with my ex. The pattern was killing me. My friend reminded me of a friend of his who I had met and remarked upon a few months back and told me that this guy was attending his dance party that weekend. My head shot up out of my hands and I saw what could be my future instead of my past. I went to that dance party and the rest is history.

#4 – Extreme emotions are bad for you.

One thing I know about letting go of a past love is that it ‘ s fraught with big emotions.

You feel angry, sadness, despair, hopelessness, self-loathing and insecurity. Those feelings can all coexist or come and go separately from each other. And those emotions can suck the life out of you.

Feeling extreme emotions can be very debilitating. The long term damage caused to your body, and mind, by anger and sadness are quite profound.

Many people don ‘ t realize that your muscles absorb your emotions, especially if you are stuffing them down. This can lead to physical problems, such as a sore back or a frozen shoulder or worse. Your mind can get exhausted by the constant barrage of feelings and you could have a hard time concentrating. The thoughts in your head could keep you from sleeping, which isn ‘ t good for anyone.

If your body, and mind, are in pain, consider the fact that letting go of a past love is the best thing that you can do for both your mental and physical health.

#5 – You can keep your friends.

When we are going through a break up, our friends are a valuable resource. They love us unconditionally and want to support us through our pain. They are willing to listen, to assure us that our exes are horrible people and remind us how amazing we are. Getting through break ups without friends is very difficult.

Unfortunately, sometimes there is a statute of limitations that our friends put on their willingness to support us through a break up. The threshold can change but sooner or later our friends might tell us to get over it and let it go, that it ‘ s time to move on and live our lives.

And, when we don ‘ t or can ‘ t do that, they get sick of us and choose not to spend time with us. Not having your friends is a horrible thing in any situation and especially during a time we are feeling vulnerable from a break up.

So, an excellent reason that letting go of a past love is crucial is that you will keep your friendships intact. After all, your people were with you before your ex and will be with you long after. How lucky are you?

Letting go of a past love is absolutely crucial to moving forward and being happy.

Holding on to past love can be damaging to our body, it can cause us to lose our friends, it can keep us from fully living and it can drag us down with the weight of it ‘ s baggage.

I know that it ‘ s really hard to do and it does take some effort, sometimes a lot of effort, but it can happen and, when it does, you will have a real shot at being happy. And people who are happy attract other people who are happy so living happily ever after isn ‘ t just a possibility!

How great would that be?

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Why Healthy Boundaries In A Marriage May Apply To In-Laws As Well

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Are you newly married and have you and your partner learned about the importance of setting healthy boundaries in a marriage? Have you worked hard to identify what your boundaries are and are you determined to respect them so that your marriage is successful?

Good for you.

What many people don ‘ t know is that it can be very important to, from the get go, set boundaries for your in-laws as well. Why? Because your in-laws will be a part of your lives for a long time and your relationship with them could have a huge effect on your marriage.

Let me tell you why boundaries with your in-laws can make your marriage stronger.

#1 – Setting boundaries will create clarity.

While now that you are married you have created the beginning of a new family, for all of the previous years of your life you have been a member of your original family.

Things that formed this original family – holiday traditions, gender roles, financial considerations etc – were the foundation upon which that family existed.

Now that you are married, those things, those things that lay the foundation for your original family, might not exist in the new family.

I know when I was married, my husband ‘ s family had always lived close to each other and, as a result, they spent a lot of time together, particularly around birthdays and holidays. My family had always been more spread out and our time together was somewhat limited and we lived more independently of each other.

I was hoping that our new family could live in a way that was more aligned with my original family. My ex wanted to spend holiday times with his family. And his family expected it too.

In retrospect, I believe that if we had set boundaries early on, boundaries with both of our families about how we were going to spend birthdays and holidays, instead of having to have conflict around them every time one arose, then we would have saved ourselves a lot of conflict, conflict that was part of the erosion of our marriage.

So, setting boundaries early on with your in-laws allows everyone to know what to expect going forward so that conflicts and hurt feelings can be kept to a minimum.

#2 – The new relationship must take precedence.

One of the most important reasons that healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well is because the marriage of two people creates a new family.

This new family is new and untested and needs its own time to develop into what it is going to be.

It is of the utmost importance that this new family take precedence, that the wants and needs of this new couple are taken into consideration above the wants and needs of the original family.

This is not to say that the original family should be shunned but that the wants and needs of the new family are discussed first. Once that discussion has been had, the new family can make a decision, together, about how they are going to proceed.

For my ex and I, we never truly made a decision about what was important for our family. Every time a family conflict arose we punted it to the next holiday. If we had only made a conscious decision, for ourselves and OUR family, then we both would have been happier and there would have been less conflict.

#3 – Everyone needs to know what expectations are.

Unmet expectations are the number one thing that can cause problems in any relationship. And, unfortunately, no one usually knows what those expectations are. This isn ‘ t done maliciously – it just never comes up, not until someone gets hurt.

If you can set expectations early on with your in-laws you can prevent hurt feelings on both sides. In the example of my ex and I, perhaps if we had clearly stated at the beginning of our relationship what it was that we expected around the birthdays and holidays, if we had engaged in a discussion with our in-laws about what we all wanted, then a whole bunch of conflict would have been avoided.

Instead, we just assumed that it was a command performance at holidays and birthdays and we showed up accordingly, often crabby because we had fought about it the whole car drive over.

#4 – Relationships can be maintained.

One of my biggest regrets of my marriage is that we weren ‘ t able to set boundaries and manage expectations with our families. If we had, some important relationships would have been healthier.

As I have said before, my ex and I often ended up butting heads when we were put in the position of meeting extended family obligations that we didn ‘ t necessarily want to engage in. That was very damaging for our marriage.

Furthermore, our relationship with our in-laws suffered as well because there was often conflict about how we engaged with them. We weren ‘ t always honest, in an attempt to not upset them, but they often knew. And my ex and I, usually crabby, weren ‘ t always fun to have around.

So, if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with your in-laws, I would encourage you to set boundaries to preserve those good feelings.

#5 – You will be prepared with the kids arrive.

Ah yes, babies. Aren ‘ t they wonderful? Adorable little creatures that arrive and totally turn our lives into chaos.

And, yes, grandparents. The adults in our lives who raised us, sometimes in ways that we wished that we hadn ‘ t been raised. And they want a say in how your new family is going to be raised as well.

If you have set and practiced healthy boundaries with your in-laws, when the babies come you will be able to discuss with them what kind of boundaries you need around the kids. You can work together to define how they will be involved with the children – will you need them for child care, will they be part of managing discipline, do they understand how important the car seat is, etc.

The grandparent relationship, I believe, is a key one in the lives of our children. I know that my relationship with my grandmother was one of the best, most nurturing, of my life. I know that my mother ‘ s relationship with her mother wasn ‘ t always a healthy one and if they had set boundaries then a lot of silent dinners might have been avoided. I know that I wish they had been.

So, set up and practice boundaries now so that, when the kids are born, both sides are well practiced in the art of managing expectations and avoiding conflict.

Now you know why healthy boundaries in a marriage may apply to in-laws as well.

Marriage is long and hard (and wonderful) and for the length of your marriage your in-laws will be a part of it.

It ‘ s important to set the boundaries right away so that you can maintain a good relationship with them. The boundaries need not be set in stone – as relationships develop, needs can change – but it is important that the discussion be had and expectations are clear.

I know it might be difficult, for all parties involved, to have the discussion but know that, in the long run, it will have been worth it.

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