Why Letting Go Of Love That Hurts May Be Painful But Necessary

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Are you really struggling with a toxic relationship and wondering if letting go of love that hurts might be the right thing to do?

Does the thought of ending it fill you with pain and despair because you know how hard it will be to break away from your person? Are you worried that if you leave this person you will never love or be loved again?

Unfortunately, it is these two thoughts that keep people in relationships that are painful and toxic. I am here to tell you that getting out of them, while it might be painful, is the best chance that you have at happiness.

How? Let me share.

#1 – Toxic relationships are distracting.

A big reason why letting go of love that hurts is essential for a good life is that being in a toxic relationship can make it hard to focus at work and in life.

How much time do you think about your relationship? Do you find it hard to concentrate at work because you are replaying the fight you had over the weekend?

Do you find yourself sitting in your car, wondering what would be next for you if you left your person, only to find that twenty minutes has passed and you had no idea?

Is getting dinner and helping with homework more than you can handle somedays because you are so preoccupied with the pain you are in?

Being in a toxic relationship can make it impossible to be present in your everyday life. Letting go of love that hurts is exactly what you need to do before obsessing about it gets in the way of your job or your kids ‘ mental health.

#2 – You are not healthy.

In many ways, being in a toxic relationship is worse than pneumonia or the flu.

When you are deeply unhappy, your health will deteriorate. Your obsessive thoughts might keep you up nights and you might not be sleeping well. Depression might be preventing you from getting outside and interacting with friends. You might be eating too much, or too little, not nourishing your body the way you should.

If you are in a toxic relationship, one that is causing you nothing but pain, letting go of love that hurts might be exactly what you need to regain your health.

Imagine spending the rest of your life living with this unhealthy behavior? Can you imagine how that would feel? Not so good I am guessing.

#3 – True love will be elusive.

If you are wasting your time staying in a toxic relationship because you fear the hurt that you will feel, or the hurt that you will cause another person, know that staying in this relationship will guarantee that you will never find the person who will love you truly.

If every moment of your day is spent obsessing about how unhappy you are or how much you want out of this relationship, you will have no energy to put out to the world to attract happiness. Instead, you will attract nothing but darkness because like attracts like.

And, obviously, if you are in a relationship, the chances of you finding another relationship are virtually zero.

Letting go of love that hurts might be painful in the moment, and maybe for a few moments, but if you can get away from this toxic relationship you have a much better chance of finding the love that you want and deserve.

#4 – It will be good for your person.

I remember when I was married and I was brutally unhappy, whenever I considered leaving my husband part of what I considered was that it would be better for him if we were apart.

I knew that he was as unhappy as I was and I knew that if I could let him go he would have a chance at true happiness. Me letting him go would be the best thing for him.

I couldn ‘ t do it, however, because the thought of him with someone else filled me with too much pain.

But think about your person. You loved them once and might love them still. Would the best thing for them to be out of this never-ending toxicity and be given a chance to be happy? Even if it ‘ s painful for you, might it be the right thing for them?

Think about it.

#5 – You will get to know yourself again.

One of the best things of letting go of love that hurts is that, in doing so, you will get to know and love yourself again.

For many of us who have been in toxic relationships, whether short or long, we often lose a piece of ourselves.

I was in a relationship with a man for about a year. We loved each other very much but our relationship was fraught with issues. I wanted to end it but he wouldn ‘ t let me go so I kept on coming back to him, even if I knew it wasn ‘ t good for me.

At the end of the year, I found that I was a shell of the person I was when we met. A year of not taking care of myself, of being consumed with someone who wasn ‘ t treating me well, of having my needs ignored and debasing myself by staying had rendered me someone I couldn ‘ t even recognize.

When I finally got the nerve to leave him, and stay away from him, for good, I was finally able to get to know myself again. To remember that I was the kind of person who had a lot to give to the world and that there were a lot of people who loved me. I had forgotten about that person and I was so glad to have her back.

Do you know who you are today? Wouldn ‘ t you love to get to know, and love, yourself again?

Letting go of love that hurts can be one of the hardest things that you can do.

Loving someone means you give your heart and your hope for the future over to another person. Unfortunately, love isn ‘ t perfect and sometimes relationships just aren ‘ t meant to be.

If your relationship is making you unhappy, it ‘ s time to walk away. If you do, you will get healthier, you will be able to focus again and you will get to know yourself. Your person will be happier and you will be able to finally find true love.

How great would that be?

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with letting go of love that hurts.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Know About Surviving Internet Infidelity

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Have you recently (or not so recently) discovered that your partner is having an affair online and are looking to understand if and how surviving internet infidelity is possible?

Are you wondering if internet infidelity is worse than in person?

Internet infidelity is a relatively new phenomenon. The degrees of online infidelity range from simply consistent chatting with someone to regular, intense intimate sharing. Both of them can be considered infidelity.

It ‘ s important that you examine your feelings around what has occurred to decide how you feel about what your partner has done. Can you ever trust them again? Can you forgive them but not forgive? Is what happened beyond redemption, do you think?

Once you know how you feel, you can decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or go.

And, either way, you need to start working on surviving internet infidelity so it doesn ‘ t destroy you.

#1 – Let go of self-blame.

Do you blame yourself that your partner strayed? Do you think that if you had only been nicer or funnier or skinnier or had more sex with them that they wouldn ‘ t have cheated on you?

Do you chide yourself for being so clueless that you didn ‘ t see the signs, that you missed the fact that your partner was stepping out on you?

Let me tell you, your partner ‘ s infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but it doesn ‘ t happen because of things that you didn ‘ t do. More often than not, infidelity is something that happens not because someone seeks it out but because two people meet and there is an attraction that proves irresistible.

Blame is a double-edged sword but if anyone must be blamed it ‘ s those who couldn ‘ t resist, who proved weak in the face of temptation and who lied to you over and over.

I know it ‘ s hard but work hard to not blame yourself because you are not to blame.

#2 – Accept your feelings.

Do you find yourself struggling with a wide range of emotions?

Do you find yourself crying one minute, raging another, way too happy and then back to the tears? Do you find yourself sitting in the car looking out the window only to realize that an hour has passed?

People whose partner have strayed struggle with unstable emotions and disorientation. The pain that has been caused them is so extreme that it can render their emotions uncontrollable. Because of the power of these emotions, our brain can get overwhelmed and disorientation is the result.

Time will help with emotions that are out of control – they are strongest right after the pain is caused but they dissipate as time goes on. Often times, without help, they don ‘ t go away completely but they can, at the very least, be managed. And when managed, the disorientation will be resolved.

For now, have awareness that the wide range of emotions that you are struggling with are completely natural. Chiding yourself for feeling them, for not staying calm, for being angry with life and at the same so very sad will only make the emotions worse. Furthermore, not pushing the feelings down but letting yourself feel them and letting them go is the best way to work through them in a productive way.

Accepting and feeling your emotions as a part of the healing process will allow them to help you do that – heal.

#3 – Manage those intrusive thoughts.

Do you find yourself obsessing over and over with the images of your partner committing infidelity? Do you regularly chide yourself for missing the signs? Do you question your self-worth and wonder if you are worthy of love? Do you spend more time in your head than you do in the now, living your life?

Unfortunately, our powerful brain – the thing that distinguishes us from every other animal in the world – can also be our worst enemy. Our brain loves to run negative tapes over and over, tapes that serve to reinforce all of the bad thoughts that we have about ourselves, our loved one and our lives.

These negative thoughts don ‘ t serve us in any way and can actually make healing more difficult.

There are ways to deal with these intrusive thoughts. The first it to start having awareness that the thoughts are just that, intrusive and not necessarily productive. Next, accept that the thoughts are not serving you but that they should not be chased away. Let these thoughts float through your head and don ‘ t try to analyze them or give them any power. And then let them go.

It ‘ s also important to remember that the thoughts will probably come back and that you will have to practice this awareness over and over. Ultimately, with time, those intrusive thoughts will dissipate.

Another useful tool for reducing the power of intrusive thought is by doing something that will occupy your brain. Yoga and meditation are excellent tools for managing intrusive thoughts but reading, TV and sleep also work. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break from those thoughts, even for a little while, will help you manage them and reduce their effect on you.

#4 – Work to trust again.

Many people who are trying to understand surviving online infidelity find that they have developed significant trust issues.

When the person who we love the most, on whom we have put all of our hopes and dreams, who we trust more than anyone else, betrays us then our place in the world is profoundly affected. Instead of believing in the best in people we are instead left believing that people are ultimately evil and that trusting ourselves and our emotions to anyone will only cause us pain.

It is important, when your partner has been unfaithful, that you spend as much time as possible with those who love you and those you can trust. One person has betrayed your trust, not everyone, and being reminded of that regularly will help restore your faith in people.

With time, and help, you will learn that trusting people is possible and that even that person who betrayed your trust might be worthy of it again.

#5 – Know that you will be okay.

Are you struggling with the belief that nothing will ever be the same again? That happiness will be forever out of reach, that you will never love again and that life can not possibly go on? Are you feeling completely hopeless by the prospect of your future?

It is important that you understand the nature of hopelessness around online infidelity. For many people, their partners cheating can lead to depression and, when we are depressed, the belief that anything will ever be okay again is inconceivable. When we are depressed we are simply incapable of believing that life will get better.

But, let me promise you that, with time and treatment, the feeling of depression and hopelessness will fade. Life does go on, you will love again and that happiness will once again be yours.

Again, spending time with people who love you is an excellent way to manage the hopelessness. You might not believe them in the moment but having people remind you that you will get through this and that life will go on is an essential part of the healing process.

Surviving online infidelity is definitely possible. People do it every day.

What has happened to you has been traumatic and you fear for your future but, with awareness and acceptance, you can move forward and be happy again.

If you are blaming yourself, work hard to let that go. If your thoughts and your emotions are swinging back and forth, know that they are there and that they are causing trouble. Feel them and let them go. Spend time with people you love and trust to learn that you can trust again. And believe in your future.

If you find that you can ‘ t manage your feelings around this and that you aren ‘ t surviving online infidelity in a healthy way, considering consulting a therapist or a life coach. Sometimes professional help is important to get through trauma like this.

Know that time is the ultimate healer. I know it ‘ s hard to believe it now but, as time goes on, you will feel better. Life will be worth living again. The pain might not be gone but it will be less and it will be manageable.

For now, keep your head up, believe that the future is there, accept where you are right now and get some help.

You will get through this, I promise. You will love and be loved again.

 

Do youwantto know more about surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, before it ‘ s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

Diagnosing Situational Depression: 5 Things You Should Tell Your Doctor

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Are you really struggling with your moods and wondering about diagnosing situational depression and have no idea where to start?

There is so much conflicting information out there about depression – what causes it, how it presents and how to treat it – that it can be overwhelming.

There are two primary kinds of depression – chemical and situational. Chemical is caused (at least in part) by a chemical disorder in the brain. Situational depression is usually brought on by a life event, like a death, divorce, job loss etc.

Doctors can easily tell the difference and will make diagnosing situational depression, or chemical depression, a fairly straightforward thing.

It is important to be clear with your doctor about what your life looks like so that he or she can diagnose and treat you properly.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that will help you have important information to share with your doctor.

#1 – Has anything happened?

Life can be really hard sometimes. Really hard. And we humans are extraordinarily resilient but sometimes it gets to be just too much.

Last year, my dog died, a friend killed himself, another friend tried to kill herself, my mother-in-law died, a killer round of poison ivy led to steroid induced mania and my ex-husband betrayed me in a way that I never could have believed would happen. Needless to say, by early winter, I was a mess.

I talked to my primary care doctor because I wasn ‘ t feeling well and she asked me about what was going on in my life. It didn ‘ t take her long to go about diagnosing situational depression and helping me see it for myself.

Since that diagnosis I have been taking an anti-depressant to help me manage my moods. I am not planning on taking it forever, just until my life steadies out and my moods are more manageable.

Has anything happened in your life recently? Something that might cause you to feel hopelessness and despair in a way that you haven ‘ t before? Take an accounting of what that might be so that you can share it with your doctor.

#2 – Do you feel hopeless?

One of the hallmarks of depression is hopelessness.

Do you have a hard time getting up in the morning because you can ‘ t see how the day will be anything other than miserable? Do you think about next week, or next year, and picture nothing on the horizon but more dread and despair? Does the idea of spending time with friends or family make you crawl back under the covers?

If you are feeling hopeless and believe that there will never again be joy in your life, share that with your doctor. It will go a long way towards diagnosing situational depression, if appropriate.

#3 – Can you live your life?

Are you able to get out of bed in the morning? Are you able to get in the shower and eat your breakfast? Are you able to get out of the house and to work? Are you able to do your work to everyone ‘ s satisfaction? Can you go out for dinner with friends or family and enjoy yourself?

If your answer to any of those questions is no, you might be struggling with situational depression.

For many of us who live with depression, the desire to live our lives can be hard to access. The idea of doing anything other than lying on the couch fills us with such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread that all we can do is stay there.

If you find that it ‘ s difficult to live your life in any meaningful way, tell your doctor.

#4 – Are you short tempered?

Do you find yourself impatient and quick to anger? Are things that you used to be able to roll with now things that you find yourself chafing at?

Are people keeping a wide berth because you are no longer fun to be with? Are you starting to hate being with yourself because you are so unpleasant?

People who struggle with depression often find themselves to be short tempered in a way they weren ‘ t before. The heaviness of the depression, the way that it makes us feel bad about ourselves and how we aren ‘ t living our lives in any meaningful way, makes us crabby with the world in a way we aren ‘ t normally.

So, if you are quick to anger, tell your doctor. You will be one step closer to them diagnosing situational depression, maybe.

#5 – Are you sleeping?

Are you having a hard time falling asleep? Do you find yourself waking up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep? Are you groggy in the morning, so groggy perhaps that it interferes with your life?

Many people who are struggling with situational depression have a hard time sleeping. A big part of the inability to sleep is from ruminating over what has happened and processing the anxiety around it as well. This leads to endless nights, in bed but not sleeping. And then maybe sleeping too much during the day, sleep that isn ‘ t good for you.

Unfortunately, lack of sleep can be a huge contributor to, and indication of, depression. And, the more you don ‘ t sleep, the worse it gets and so you don ‘ t sleep because you are worried about it and then it gets even worse.

If you find yourself staying up all night and being groggy in the morning, or sleeping all day, tell your doctor. It is important information for them to have.

Diagnosing situational depression can be a fairly easy thing for your doctor to do.

If something has recently happened to you, if you find yourself not living your life or spending time with others, if feelings of hopelessness and dread overwhelm you and you are quick to anger, tell your doctor.

Let him or her help you manage this depression so that you can get on and live a full life.

You can do it. I know the idea seems overwhelming but if you do it NOW you will be one step closer to getting the help you need.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with depression.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it overwhelms you.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Reasons Why You Should Set Boundaries In An Abusive Marriage Now

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Does your spouse abuse you emotionally and/or physically? Do you spend most days living with fear and shame and self-loathing? If yes, it ‘ s time to set boundaries in an abusive marriage before it kills you.

For many people who are in an abusive marriage, getting out right now just isn ‘ t an option. Whether its financial considerations, concerns for yourself or your children, geographical issues or sheer terror, the need to stay in place is necessary.

If you are in this place, it is essential to set boundaries in an abusive marriage now so that you can survive, and maybe even thrive, as you live through it.

What kind of boundaries? Let me share!

#1 – Take care of yourself.

It essential that, if you are being emotionally or physically abused, you make an effort to take care of yourself.

We all need affection and loving touch and if you aren ‘ t getting love from your spouse, it is important that you love yourself. Loving yourself, and believing that you are worthy, is very hard to do when you are constantly being demeaned so demonstrating to yourself that you are loved is very important.

What makes you feel loved? A hot bath? Time with your girlfriends? A ‘ ˜Real Housewives ‘ binge? A massage?

Take an accounting of what you could do to make yourself feel loved and pampered. If you can do this, you will be able to stay in touch with the fact that you deserve to be loved and cared for, even if the person in your life isn ‘ t making you feel that way.

#2 – Spend time with those who love you.

If you find yourself in the middle of a lot of anger and insults every day, it is important that you make sure that you spend time with people who love you.

Much like the self-love I described before, being surrounded by people who love you just the way you are is an important part of surviving an abusive relationship.

They will remind you that you are a wonderful person, deserving of love and affection. They will remind you that what is happening isn ‘ t your fault. They will remind you that you have strength, strength to survive this and get through it. They will remind you that there is a life worth living out there.

So, make sure that you reach out to friends and family as much as possible. If your partner makes it difficult for you, make it a priority to make it happen whenever you can, even if just for a short period.

Do it! You will be glad you did!

#3 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Many of my clients who are in abusive relationships blame themselves for the abuse that is being showered down upon them.

Their abuser is forever telling them that what is happening is all their fault, that if they just did this or that differently their partner wouldn ‘ t be forced to discipline them. They tip toe around, hoping to not get noticed or blamed. And this is not okay.

It is important to understand that the abuse that is happening to you is not your fault. Yes, we are all humans and we make mistakes, but no one deserves to be abused, no matter what they might do or say.

Most abusers have something that has caused them damage in their life and that leads them to abuse others. Some kind of trauma or abuse that has led them to do the same to you.

The reason that it’s essential to set boundaries in an abusive relationship is so that you don ‘ t lose touch with who you are. Learning how to not blame yourself is a key part of keeping in touch with that person and not letting the abuse tear you down completely.

#4 – Believe that this isn ‘ t forever.

I know that right now it feels like you will be in this place forever, that the abuse that is rained down on you daily is something that will always be a part of your life.

But it doesn ‘ t have to be that way.

Yes, you might be stuck in this relationship now, for whatever reason, but it doesn ‘ t have to be this way forever.

When you are ready, there are ways to get out. When the kids are gone or when the money isn ‘ t so tight or when you have the outside support you need, you will be able to escape this abusive relationship and get on with your life.

Believing that this will be your one and only life will make it very difficult to move forward, to not let yourself sink into feelings of hopelessness and despair.

There is hope and help out there that can enable you lead a happy and fulfilling life, when you are ready and able.

#5 – Get help.

If you are feeling the need to set boundaries in an abusive marriage, I am guessing that things are going from bad to worse and that you know that if you don ‘ t set some kind of boundaries you might die, or worse.

If you are in this place, please try to get help. There are all sorts of people out there who can help you get through, and out of, an abusive relationship.

If you are struggling with depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to give you an anti-depressant. Just being a little bit less depressed might motivate you to get out. Talk to your therapist about where you can seek help to get you through this time. Ask your life coach about coping mechanisms. Look for support groups in your area.

If you are going through an abusive relationship, you are not alone. There are many trained professionals who can help you get through this relationship intact. There are also many people who are in, or were in, abusive relationships. Connecting with them will help you develop relationships with people who have shared experiences, people who can help you with understanding what is happening to you and to teach you coping skills for getting through it.

You don ‘ t have to go this alone, so don ‘ t!

Learning how to set boundaries in an abusive marriage is the key to surviving it.

Perhaps you can ‘ t get out of the relationship now but you can learn how to take care of yourself, to draw the line in the sand so that you can keep yourself as healthy as you can to ride this out.

Take care of yourself, don ‘ t blame yourself, spend with others, look to the future and get some help.

Abusive relationships are devastating and, to survive them, you must take care of yourself. You can do it!

 

If you have made this far you must really be struggling in an abusive marriage.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it ‘ s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Red Flags to Look for if Your Relationship Seems Too Good to Be True

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Are you wondering if your relationship is too good to be true?

Are you the kind of person who often finds themselves in super intense relationships, ones where it feels like the sky is the limit and that you will be happy forever, only to find yourself left broken hearted and alone?

Have you been left by someone who is overwhelmed by your behavior or have you left someone you loved because your relationship isn ‘ t meeting your needs?

Ironically, sometimes relationships that are the most intense are the ones that leave us most open to the risk of being hurt. And the relationships that are intense are the ones that are hardest to resist because the passion is so compelling.

Luckily, there are ways to identify people who might seem to be THE one but who might be a risky choice for a long-term relationship.

Below are some red flags that are easy to spot. Knowing them will help you make conscious choices.

#1 – They are impulsive.

People who are impulsive are people who act on their gut. Their mind usually ignores what logic is screaming at them and they do what they want when they want to.

An impulsive person might look at you across the room, decide that you are the one for them and make you fall madly in love with them. An impulsive person could introduce you to their kids and parents after knowing you for just a week. An impulsive person could whisk you away on a romantic island vacation, promising that it will be the first of many.

And an impulsive person could see a person on the beach next to them on said romantic island and decide that that person is the one for them. And leave you.

Being with an impulsive person can be really fun. The living moment to moment, never knowing what is on the horizon and enjoying what comes when it does. The falling in love quickly and making mad love for days. It ‘ s all very exciting and, most likely, very temporary.

So, watch out for someone who is impulsive. Look instead for someone who is more thoughtful and deliberate in their approach to love. Thoughtful and deliberate people can be passionate too and the passion might even last!

#2 – They are WAY into sex.

At the beginning of a relationship, being with someone who is interested in lots of sex is exciting. The dopamine rush that occurs when wrapped around your person as they make you feel loved and wanted is intoxicating. As time goes on, the need for sex subsides somewhat, as you settle into a comfortable relationship.

Unfortunately, there are some people who need to have sex constantly. The reasons for this are varied but they are real. And, the person who need constant sex is most usually the kind of person who will need to move on and find someone else to fill their needs. Or, even worse, they will stay with you and seek sex elsewhere anyway.

So, pay attention to your person at the beginning of your relationship. How do they feel about sex? Do they seem obsessed or do they need to do things that might be out of the ordinary? Do you find that you can ‘ t always reach them and do you wonder if they might be with someone else?

If you are with this kind of person and are trying to make a relationship out of it, you are taking a big risk. Know that your person most likely won’t be able to change their ways and your heart will be at risk of being shattered.

#3 – They are self-centered.

We have all been in relationships with people who are self-centered. We have all been in relationships with people who are so much about themselves but, in the beginning, it appears that they are all about you.

People who are self-centered believe that the world revolves around them and, while they seem to do things for your pleasure, they are really doing it for their own.

At first, a self-centered person will look at you with big love and make love to you passionately. You will feel like the center of universe, until you aren ‘ t. Until you realize that your person is doing what they are doing for you for their own self-satisfaction, to meet their own selfish needs to feel good about themselves.

A self-centered person will fight you tooth and nail if you try to point this out to them because they know that if they lose you they will feel pain and they don’t want that. When you do fight, after they will make passionate love to you, to make themselves feel better.

So, stay away from people who believe that the world revolves around them. It might seem wonderful at first but, before long, you will see that it ‘ s all about them and nothing about you.

#4 – They run hot and cold.

I have a client who is in love with a man who does, from what I can tell, love her back. More often and not, however, you wouldn ‘ t know it.

Some days he calls her over and over, asking how she is and telling her he misses her. And then he disappears for weeks only to reappear and pay attention to her. He tells her how excited he is to see her and then yells at her for being so demanding. He tells her that she is hot but then tells her another girl is hotter.

When my client and her guy are ‘ ˜on, ‘ it ‘ s amazing. She is so in love and their sex is amazing and she feels sure that she will live happily ever after. And then, as if a switched was flipped, her guy is unkind and disrespectful and gone.

If your person is like this, if your person is always changing to the point that sometimes you don ‘ t recognize them, consider walking away. A person who runs hot and cold will always be this way and, if they don ‘ t make you happy as they are, they will never make you happy.

#5 – They can ‘ t sit still.

I have always been a restless person. I have lived in 5 countries, 7 cities and 9 states over the course of my lifetime. For the past 15 years, I have moved every 2.5 years. For the past 10 years I have had quite a few boyfriends. I am the definition of restless.

And what does this mean in relationship? It means that I swoop in, ready for something new, willing to dig deep quickly and get someone to fall madly in love with me. And I fall in love with them too, until, about 8-12 weeks in, I get the itch to move on. So, I do, leaving my person dazed and heartbroken.

I would imagine that many of those men would say that they were very happy that they had me in their life for that short time but I am guessing that some of them would have preferred if I had stayed.

If your person is like me, present with you now but always looking towards the next horizon, pause and think carefully before you get in too deep. You could find yourself heartbroken.

Recognizing the red flags that are there if your relationship feels too good to be true is a very smart thing to do!

An intense, passionate relationship is all well and good but what we really need for long lasting love is a person who doesn ‘ t dive in too deep too quickly, who has a healthy sexual appetite, who isn ‘ t all about themselves, whose moods are constant and who is willing to sit still.

If you recognize any of the things I have mentioned in your partner, be aware that they are huge red flags and that they are worth looking at before you crash!

 

If you have made this far you must be struggling with whether or not your relationship is working.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get your heart broken.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How to Keep Your Relationship Strong during Coronavirus Isolation

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Are you stuck at home with your significant other, wondering how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation? Good for you for being proactive.

Coronavirus has changed, at least temporarily, the everyday life that we Americans have lived for so long. Instead of going to work and school, the grocery store and the movies, we are stuck at home. And if there is nothing that Americans suck at more, it ‘ s staying at home.

One of the first relationship that get frayed during crisis and isolation is often our romantic one. As time, fear and boredom take over, the instinct to take it out on your partner is not small.

There are ways to get through these scary times with your relationship intact, and maybe even stronger. Let me suggest how.

#1 – Respect each other ‘ s fears.

In our house, my boyfriends and my way of dealing with everything that is going on is quite different. I have been obsessed with watching the news and learning everything that I can about what is going on (without getting hysterical). For my partner, he has been keeping up on the news peripherally but generally going about his life.

To his credit, he is happy to sit there and listen to me while I spout out whatever information I might have just learned. What occurred to me yesterday, when I was sharing ‘ ˜just one more thing, ‘ was that I might be driving him crazy and stressing him out by interrupting him all time and sharing whatever tidbit I had discovered.

If your partner is like me and you are more like my partner, are you being supportive and listening? If your partner is lackadaisical and you are stressed out, are you respecting their need to be that way and not insisting that they listen to everything that you have to say?

If you and your partner are reacting differently to this health scare know that, to keep your relationship strong, having a talk about the differences and making an effort to respect those difference will help keep your relationship strong.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s space.

Weekends are lovely at home but, more often than not, when Monday rolls around my guy and I are ready to get back to work and have some space. Not because we don ‘ t love each other madly but because sometimes too much togetherness isn ‘ t necessarily a good thing.

It is important that, to keep your relationship strong during this time where you and your partner might be stuck at home together, you respect each other ‘ s space. That no matter the anxiety, or the boredom, that might be consuming you both, give your partner the time to step back and take care of themselves.

What does that look like at our house? My boyfriend is, as we speak, in the garage working on a car project that he hasn ‘ t been able to get to because he has been working so hard. I am inside, on the couch with my kitty by my side, writing my blog. When I am done, I will make lunch for both of us and then he will go back to the garage and I will do some yoga. Later on, we will take a walk.

Not being in the same space 24/7 is going to be a key part of us getting through all of this together time intact. You can do it too. Because none of us wants to be alone during this time, and no one wants to be even more stressed out because their partner is driving them crazy.

#3 – Respect each other ‘ s needs.

Everybody has needs that help calm them during stressful times. It is important that, right now, we try to identify, respect and meet each other ‘ s needs.

For me, right now I need to be able to putter around my house. Keeping it orderly makes me calmer. I need to be able to cook comfort food, even if it isn ‘ t healthy. Having my feet rubbed during our evening TV makes me happy too.

For my partner, shockingly, it seems to be sex that he needs. I tried to postpone indulging last night and was met with a frown and a pouty face. I indulged him and he was happy. He also finds peace working on any car – solving problems and finding a cure.

Try to figure out what your partner needs during this stressful time. If you can ‘ t identify what they need, ask them. A key part of living together in peace will be by giving each other what you each need.

#4 – Respect your time together.

If there is one thing that couples in America don ‘ t have enough of its time together.

Our crazy work and parenting schedules make it so, at times, couples barely say more than a few words to each other over the course of a day other than ‘ ˜good morning ‘ and ‘ ˜good night. ‘ We are accustomed to this being the way things are but the way things are are rarely good for any relationship.

A wonderful way to take advantage of this time that you and your partner have together, and to keep your relationship strong, is to do things together. Take walks, binge watch ‘ Better Call Saul, ‘ have backgammon marathons, fool around. You have nothing but time right now so make the best of it!

Using this time of coronavirus isolation for good can be just the thing that saves a relationship that is struggling and making stronger one that is intact.

#5 – Respect yourself.

It is important, during this time of crisis, that you respect and care for yourself.

Men and women, both, have a tendency to go into overdrive with care giving and crisis management when confronted with something unknown and scary like the coronavirus. And when we do that, we can suck ourselves completely dry.

Make an effort to take care of yourself. Take baths, take walks, exercise (outdoors), watch cute cat videos on YouTube, play with your kids. Whatever it is that gives you pleasure, even in the short term.

If you find yourself wearing out and getting crabby, think about what they tell us on airplanes – ‘ ˜put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. ‘ That ‘ s what we need to do right now. Even if you are working hard to keep your children feeling safe (and not bored) or dealing with a crabby partner who hates sitting still, make a conscious effort to step back, if only for a bit, and take care of yourself!

Knowing how to keep your relationship strong during coronavirus isolation is a key part of getting through the crisis intact.

Don ‘ t belittle your partner ‘ s emotions, share what you both need to get through this, make the most of your time together and take care of yourself!

I know it feels like everything has changed and will never be the same but we will get through this as a nation and our relationship can survive and, even thrive, in spite of it all.

If you have made this far you must really be going a little crazy with isolation.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before you get crazier.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Why He Won’t Let You Go Even if He Doesn’t Want a Relationship

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Are you dating a guy and are you wondering why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship?

Does he tell you that it ‘ s over and walk out only to return a few days or weeks later, smiling and charming?

Are these things happening over and over, leaving you confused and unhappy?

So, why does your guy keep doing this, even if he knows it hurts you? It’s not a simpleanswer.

#1 – He is unhappy alone.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you, but won’t let you go, then it is possible that he is simply lonely.

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to be with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that is left in your absence, he keeps coming back so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably let him come back because you aren ‘ t enjoying being alone either.

So, if your guy is keeping you around even if he says he doesn’t want a relationship, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – He has insecurities.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t love you but keeps coming back is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t love you but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. Perhaps he won’t let you go hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move forward.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you on a string could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date might be just too overwhelming and, as a result, he comes back to you, hoping to make it work so that he can feel better about himself.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why he keeps you around.

#3 – He wants sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you but keeps coming back he could very well be coming back just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘

This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might be coming back to her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy reappears, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – He needs you.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about breakups is that one of the reasons they are so difficult to stick to is because of the habits that we have created in our relationships.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

He also might miss the things that you do for him – washing his clothes or making his dinner. Keeping the fridge stocked and toothpaste under the sink. Having to do those things on his own is difficult and he knows that if he keeps you around, you will handle them.

So, if your guy keeps coming back, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits and because he needs you. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go.

#5 – He has hope.

Of course, sometimes guys won’t let you go because they genuinely want to work things out. He generally wants to make a life with you. And when that happens, and you want to work things out too, I encourage you to greet him with open arms. And caution.

It is important, if your guy comes back because he wants to work things out, that you guys talk about what went wrong in your relationship. That you both completely understand any issues that might have developed over time and that you make a plan, together, to do things differently.

You can build a relationship by doing things differently. History repeats itself over and over until we take steps to make change. Take a good hard look at your relationship, see what went wrong and work together to make those things right.

You can do it.

The question of why he won’t let you go even if he doesn’t want a relationship is incredibly hurtful, confusing and frustrating.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look at what happens when your guy comes back. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit orbecause he just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he really genuinely wants to try to work it out.

Ask these questions before you open that door. Knowing the answers, and acting on them, could prevent a whole lot of pain.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with your guy.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

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Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Surviving Repeated Infidelity: Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

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Has your partner cheated on you over and over and over? Are you wondering about surviving repeated infidelity, whether it ‘ s time for you to stay in or get out of the relationship?

Whether your partner has cheated on you once or cheated on you multiple times, your pain is real and your feelings are overwhelming and asking yourself how you are going to get through this is really important.

There are a few questions that you can ask yourself to help you make the decision about whether you should stay or you should go.

#1 – Is your partner truly remorseful?

Surviving repeated infidelity and keeping your relationship intact is harder than if the infidelity is a one-time thing but there is one element that is essential as the first step to get past both kinds of affairs: remorse.

If your partner is fooling around on you over and over and over then it ‘ s important that they accept responsibility for their actions.

Do they truly show you remorse and acknowledge that what they did was wrong and how much they hurt you? Or do they try to put some (or all) of the blame back on you – that you were ignoring them or not having sex with them or some other sort of excuse that lets them off the hook?

If your partner can ‘ t or won ‘ t acknowledge their responsibility for the affair then it is very possible that it will happen again. Even if it doesn ‘ t happen again, the rest of your relationship could involve them blaming you for their actions.

So, take a good hard look at your partner. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and the pain they caused you? If not, perhaps it ‘ s time for you to go.

#2 – Is your partner willing to get help?

Serial infidelity is not something that happens in a void. People who fool around over and over are people who are struggling with who they are in some way.

People who have a single affair don ‘ t generally set out to have an affair. There is something missing in their marriage, maybe something they aren ‘ t even aware of. And then they meet someone, maybe at work, someone who is having the same experiences as they and they strike up a friendship. As the friendship grows, so do the feelings between the two of them. Eventually, this connection can lead to an affair.

People who cheat more than once on their partner, either one at a time or perhaps with multiple other partners, are generally people who set out to have an affair. And the reasons that they set out to have the affairs are many.

Perhaps they are feeling unhappy in their primary relationship and seek someone who understands them. Perhaps they want more sex then they are getting in their current relationship. Perhaps they need to have sex with more than one person to feel good about themselves. Perhaps they have abandonment issues that make them need to leave the person they are with so that they aren ‘ t left. Perhaps they are struggling with trust issues and don ‘ t believe that anyone could be faithful to them.

The list of reasons why someone cheats repeatedly is endless but what is important for deciding whether to stay or go is whether your person is willing to take a good hard look at why they cheat repeatedly and agree to get some help to manage it.

I do believe that relationship counseling can help move the relationship towards a resolution but I think that it ‘ s essential that the cheater gets some help to understand and deal with the source of their cheating.

So, if your person is willing to get help, then perhaps staying, at least for now, is a good idea.

#3 – Do you still like your partner?

An important question to ask about surviving repeated infidelity is whether or not you still like your person.

I have a client whose husband cheated on her. She was so very angry and we talked a lot about her anger and sense of betrayal. And then one day I asked her ‘ ˜Do you still like your husband? I know you are angry with him but do you still like him? ‘

My client didn ‘ t have a clear answer about that but we worked through it and she decided that yes, while she was angry, she still liked, and loved, her husband.

I know many partners of cheaters who do not like their person after they cheat. They feel hurt and anger and they also feel hatred. That hatred is hard to overcome no matter how much therapy a couple attends. For others, love stays in spite of the betrayal.

So, ask yourself, do you still like you partner? If not, then perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away.

#4 – Can you forgive and move on?

An essential part of surviving repeated infidelity is not about your partner but about you. Can you forgive and move on?

There are two people to forgive in the aftermath of infidelity – your partner, of course, but also yourself. Yes, yourself.

For many of us who are cheated on we are left with a tremendous amount of self-loathing. How could we have missed the signs? Why were we not good enough? Was it our body or our face or our personality or our lack of good sexual techniques that sent our partner out to find someone else? And if your partner cheated on you repeatedly, the self-loathing could be magnified.

It is important that we not only forgive our partners for their infidelity but also forgive ourselves for any perceived shortcomings that we might be holding on to.

#5 – Can you see finding a new connection?

I know that right now you are feeling angry and wondering if you could possibly ever actually connect with your partner again. Perhaps you are feeling insecure that you could never give them what they got from their lover. Perhaps you don ‘ t know if you could possibly trust them or see them in the same way again.

An important consideration as to whether you should stay or go is can you see yourself being able to form a new connection with your partner, one that might be different from the connection that you had before.

One of things that happen after affairs is that the original couple gets shattered. The bedrock that held the couple together, the love, the little inside jokes, the patterns and routines are all gone and the couple must reinvent their relationship, to make it other than what it was that opened it up to infidelity, so that it can survive.

Are you and your partner willing to do that? Do you both see a path to finding each other again? To establishing a new path so that you can grow stronger together and build a new relationship full of love and trust.

It might be difficult but, if you can do it, you might just be successful in surviving repeated infidelity.

Surviving repeated infidelity can be a big struggle, bigger even than surviving a one-time affair.

Asking yourself, and your partner, the tough questions will give you the answers you need as to whether you should stay or you should go.

Is your partner taking responsibility for their actions? Are they willing to get help to identify why they repeatedly cheat? Do you still like your partner, can you forgive and move on? Do you see a path to a new relationship? All of these things are important to take into account when figuring out what your next steps are.

This won ‘ t be easy but I can promise you that you will survive it!

 

If you have made this far you must be focused on surviving repeated infidelity.

Let me help you figure things out, NOW, so you can a decision and move foward.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do Before Letting Go of Finding Love

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There comes a time in everyone ‘ s life when they are thinking about letting go of finding love.

For a long time now, they have been doing everything that they can do to find the person of their dreams – online dating, being social at parties, asking friends to set them up etc. And, even if they meet someone, that someone doesn ‘ t turn out to be the person for them.

It ‘ s exhausting, this dating game, and at times it seems hopeless. But I am here to tell you that it ‘ s not!

Before you give up, there are some things that are important to do to set yourself up for finding the love of your life. I know that they work. I tried them and, 2 years in, I am living happily ever after!

#1 – Check yourself.

An important thing to do when you are considering letting go of finding love is making sure that you are in love with yourself.

Many people seek love and affirmation from an another person. It is only through their lover ‘ s eyes that they can feel whole and happy. Only in the company of their person can they feel strong and confident and worthy of love.

Who, may I ask, needs this kind of pressure? Certainly not your person.

As a result, because we don ‘ t love and know ourselves, our relationships fail.

So, if you are afraid that you may never find true love, take some time and get to know yourself. Take a good look at who you are in the world. What your goals and values are.

Get to know the person you are outside of relationships. Is there a part of that person who might need some attention? Would understanding that part of yourself and helping that part heal feel good?

After my divorce, I worked hard on figuring out who I was. I did lots of therapy, tons of yoga and took many long walks. I volunteered at a food shelter and learned the value of purpose and giving back. I spent time alone, not always by choice, but I learned to really appreciate it.

And then, when I was ready, I started my own life-coaching business and began public speaking. I renewed my sense of purpose and my self-confidence grew exponentially. It was then that I met my guy. And because of how I felt about myself, I was able to give myself fully to love without being clingy or needy. It felt good!

I know it seems daunting, getting to know ourselves and doing the work outside of a relationship but it is, I can promise, the most important thing that you can do to ensure that you will someday find real love.

#2 – Look away.

Sometimes, an important part of finding true love is to stop looking for it. Sometimes, the dogged pursuit of something only pushes it farther away.

Do you spend all of your free time thinking about your potential partner? Do you spend hours swiping right and left and engaging in conversations that go nowhere? Do you find yourself more often than not discouraged by your journey?

If this is the case, then perhaps it ‘ s time to take a break and focus on something else. Perhaps you can dig into your work a little deeper or volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Perhaps you can train for a marathon or take that trip you have always wanted to take. Anything that would make you happy and feel fulfilled and allow you to do some of the work that I talked about above.

The benefits of giving yourself a break from dating are many. Not having that daily discouragement caused by dating can do wonders for your moods and your feelings of hopelessness. Doing things that you love can fill you up with that happiness that will allow you to attract happy people. AND, putting yourself out in the world will open you up to many new opportunities to meet other people. You never know, one of those people might be your person and you never might have met them with your eyes on your phone, swiping.

If you are considering letting go of finding love, stop looking so hard. Live your life a little.You will be glad you did.

#3 – Reassess.

Does your dating profile contain well defined specifics about what you want in a guy? Do you have criteria about height, income, location, age and marital status? Do you tend not to even consider people outside of those definitions?

How is that working out for you so far?

Allowing yourself to only consider a narrow swath of the population as a good fit for you really limits your chance at finding happiness. I know that we all have a ‘ ˜type ‘ but that ‘ ˜type ‘ hasn ‘ t necessarily worked for us so far so perhaps it ‘ s time to find another ‘ ˜type. ‘

I know that if I had met my guy on a dating site I would have swiped right past him. He was separated, living in NH, 5 years older than me and he had a mustache!! Never in a million years would I have gone out with him. Luckily, I met him IRL and connected with him immediately.

So, take a good hard look at your criteria and see where you might be able to broaden things. Give some people a chance who you might not have previously done so. Do things differently and things might end up differently.

#4 – Look back.

Another very important thing to do before letting go of finding love is to take a good hard look at what has happened in our previous relationships. By doing so, we can get a good sense of what we want and what we don ‘ t want in our next one. We can define what went wrong and figure out how to do things differently.

I know that a big thing for me is to have a guy who does what he says he will do. I know that ‘ s not always possible but I want not doing it to be the exception and not the rule.

It took me 20 years of marriage and 5 years of post-divorce dating to figure this out. And once I was able to figure it out I was able to ask for what I wanted – to have my guy follow up on what he said he would do.

There were other things that were important to me, like reasonable alcohol consumption, a good relationship with family and similar values, and being able to identify those allows me to look out for them when I was dating. More importantly, knowing these things allows me to see the red flags when they popped up before I got too attached.

So, take some time and revisit what has happened in your past relationships so that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again. Doing so will help you find the true love that you have always sought.

#5 – Believe.

A key part of finding true love, even if you are afraid that you will never do so, is to believe that you will.

I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but if you don ‘ t believe, if you give up and are lonely and bitter, then your being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that only if you have faith that something will happen does it happen.

A few years back, when I was feeling as lost as you might be right now, I created a love dream for myself. I wrote a few paragraphs about what I wanted my love future to be. It involved my love for myself, the way my man made me feel and what our life looked like.

I kept that love dream somewhere where I could read it often and I did. Reading and rereading it gave me hope, even in dark times.

I found that love dream a few months ago, tucked away in a pile of papers. Literally everything that I had envisioned for myself 5 years ago has come true. So, don ‘ t give up. Believe that your love is out there. I know they are.

If you are thinking about letting go of finding love, I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to make sure that you do live happily ever after.

First and foremost, take a step back if you need to and get to know and love yourself. Make sure that you know who and what you want in a relationship because it ‘ s hard to find things if you don ‘ t know what you are looking for. And, most importantly, don ‘ t give up. Love is out there for you – just you wait!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of finding love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before your give up.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

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