Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Love After a Divorce

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The paperwork has been filed, the assets divided, the move out done and yet you are still struggling to let go of love after a divorce.

It ‘ s the ultimate irony. You have been left, your finances are probably decimated, your family has been torn apart and yet you still love your ex. And you don ‘ t like that you do.

There are reasons that it ‘ s so hard to let go of love after a divorce. If you understand what they are, you might find it easier to accept what has happened and move forward in a way that doesn ‘ t involve regret and loss but instead happiness and hope.

#1 – Broken vows.

I remember when I asked my husband for a divorce. He said that we had taken vows that he wouldn ‘ t break. I thought that idea ridiculous but the talk of divorce stopped for a while.

5 years later, he asked for a divorce and I was devastated. When he asked, the broken vows weren ‘ t addressed even for a minute. But, in my head, those vows were there, making it hard for me to let go of love for him.

We had stood up in front of 150 of our friends and family and promised to love each other for ever. In sickness and health and until the fat lady sings. And now he was walking away and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he would walk away, for another woman, one he paraded out in public with alarming speed.

My mother was also furious at the broken vows. He had promised her that he would always take care of me and he had let her down. She talked on and on about this betrayal which didn ‘ t help me move on.

My husband of 20 years had broken a promise to me, a promise that kept me tied to him for some time after our split, unable to let go of love after a divorce and feeling somewhat broken.

#2 – Letting go of dreams for the future.

We had been married for 20 years and our kids were headed out to college. We had been talking for years that if we could just make it through these difficult child rearing times we would have a ton of fun. We had always really enjoyed each other before kids and hoped that we could find our way back to each other again.

When he left, 48 hours after our son went off to school, those dreams for the future were immediately dashed. The picture of us traveling together, buying a house in the country, reaping the financial fruits of our years of hard work – all went up in smoke in a single moment.

Letting go of those dreams made it really hard for me to let go of love after a divorce. I no longer had dreams for the future – instead I had hopelessness and fear because the future was so unclear. What was I going to do, how was I going to build a new family for my kids, what would happen when my alimony stopped? I was scared and I constantly thought that if only he still loved me my future would be clear again.

#3 – Letting go of family.

I always loved our little family of four. We were all very close. Every night we had a family dinner that involved lively conversation. We had moved to Tokyo as a family and travelled extensively while we were there. We had a little house by the ocean, our kids were excelling at school and my husband and I were both very successful in our careers and our finances were secure.

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, our family was destroyed in one fell swoop. The family that I had worked so hard to ensure that it was healthy, a family that travelled and laughed and supported each other. It was my life ‘ s work and it was destroyed.

I know that it was hard for me to let go of love after a divorce because the image of our connected family was such an important one. I believed that if we could rebuild our relationship, that if we could love each other, our family would be rebuilt and happy again.

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I know that one of the worst parts of getting divorce was that, after 20 years, 18 of them raising kids, I was suddenly alone. My kids were off at school and my husband was gone. My days, long filled with making lunches, driving everyone around, supporting my husband, were empty. And I couldn ‘ t see how I could possible rebuild them.

It was also so hard for me to see a future with another person. I got right onto dating sites and, while I met some great guys, none of them were the guy for me. Would I, I often wondered, be alone forever?

I had loved my husband and the life that we built and I had a hard time letting go of those emotions. In fact, with every disastrous date, I would go back to the love and companionship that my ex and I shared and wish it was alive again. If it only was, I would no longer be alone.

#5 – Believing you can fix things.

I remember that from the moment my ex asked for a divorce, I believed that I would be able to fix our marriage. I believed that with enough love and sex and fun, our marriage would be saved and we would live happily ever after.

But that wasn ‘ t to be.

As I have alluded to in this article, one of the reasons that I held on to love for my ex was that I believed that I could fix things if I loved him enough. That if I loved him he wouldn ‘ t walk away from our family, that our dreams for the future would happen and that I wouldn ‘ t be alone. I held on to that hope for so long that it made it increasingly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

Marriage is something that we all hoped and dreamed for as we grew up. The idea of having a team mate in life, someone who would always have your back, who would love you unconditionally, was compelling. When marriage is broken, all of those comforts disappear.

I do believe that, if you can recognize that what you are in fact holding onto is not love for your ex but dismay at your broken vows, the loss of your dreams for the future, your sadness at the destruction of your family, your fear of being alone and your belief that your marriage is still fixable, you will be able to move on in a healthy way.

All of those things that you are mourning are things that you can have with another person. It might take some time and effort, but that person is out there for you. You don ‘ t have to hold onto love for someone who no longer loves you because your life is still a promising one, out there waiting for you to start living it again.

You can let go of this love and move forward. And you will get your happily ever after if you do.

7 Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused in Your Relationship

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Are you looking for signs you are being emotionally abused in your relationship? Are you worried that you might be caught up in something that isn ‘ t good for you but you just aren ‘ t sure?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us it is toxic but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of emotional abuse so that you can recognize whether it exists in your relationship and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – One person has all the control.

One big sign that you are being emotionally abused in your relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, there is emotional abuse in your relationship and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#2 – Words hurt instead of help.

A very important part of every healthy relationship is communication. This means talking about feelings and things that need to be done but it ‘ s also about making sure that the other person knows that they are loved and respected.

Does your person talk to you with love and affection or do they lash out at you verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If your partner is repeatedly raising their voice and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you are mostly likely being emotionally abused in your relationship.

#3 – There is no respect.

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the most important, signs of emotional abuse in a relationship is the presence of contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Does your partner speak to you sarcastically? Do they talk about you behind your back? Do they roll their eyes when you try to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how your partner treats you. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then there is emotional abuse in your relationship and you should think about if that is what you want going forward.

#4 – Things get physical.

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

And while many people would say that physical pain isn ‘ t the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, I believe that the psychic damage caused by physical pain shouldn ‘ t be down played.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner has hurt you physically then you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship that you might want to consider leaving.

#5 – There are constant apologies.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of apologies.

Does your person hit you and then apologize? Does your person lash out at you verbally and then say they are sorry but that you just drive them to it? Does your person treat you with contempt and then beg you to forgive them?

People who abuse other people often feel remorse, true remorse, after hurting their partners and they apologize. That remorse doesn ‘ t mean that they aren ‘ t going to display that behavior again just that they feel sorry in the moment. Sooner or later, the abuse will begin anew.

If you find that your world is full of apologies for bad behavior then you might be being emotional abused in your relationship.

#6 – Self-esteem issues develop.

This sign of emotional abuse in a relationship has to do with your personality traits not your partner ‘ s.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Do you believe that you are worthless or stupid or friendless? Do you believe that you are bad at everything that you try to do? Do you believe that you are fat or ugly or undesirable?

Many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship struggle with self-esteem issues, issues that they don ‘ t think are the result of their partner ‘ s behavior but because of some huge deficiency in their character. In fact, most people who are struggling in abusive relationships have lowered self-esteem that is the result of the mistreatment.

So, how is your self-esteem? How was it before you were in this relationship? If you felt better about yourself before this relationship then that is a sure sign that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

#7 – Estrangement.

Another significant sign of emotional abuse in a relationship is that the abused has been estranged from their friends and families.

Many emotional abusers go out of their way to make sure their victims are alienated from their loved ones because doing so gives them more control. As a result, loved ones, and their support, are cut off from their family member which only makes the family member more vulnerable to emotional abuse.

So, take stock of your relationships with your friends and family. Are they not what they used to be? And, if not, why? I know you might believe that any disconnect is all your fault but dig deeper to learn why your relationships are where they are right now.

If you an in an emotionally abusive relationship, don ‘ t forget your friends and family are out there to support you and help you escape!

Knowing the signs of whether you are being emotionally abused in a relationship is a very important part of a building a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the control, the unkindness, the physical pain, the apologies and the estrangement – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Why You are Feeling Sad in Your New Relationship After Letting Go of An Old One

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Are you feeling sad in your new relationship and absolutely dumbfounded because you are super happy? You have found the person you had always hoped you would find and yet you are still sad and missing your ex.

This feeling is horrible, I know, but it ‘ s very common. And it doesn ‘ t mean that you should leave this new relationship and go look for your ex. It means that emotions are complicated and that, with some knowledge and sel- awareness, you can accept the sadness as temporary and move forward.

Here are 5 reasons that you are feeling sad in your new relationship and how to manage those emotions.

#1 – You are still comparing.

One of the things that we do when we go out on dates with new people after breaking up with someone is we compare them. No matter how toxic the relationship, we sit across that table from our date and measure them up against our ex.

Ironically, what we usually measure is the good things that we remember about our ex – the sexual chemistry is the one I most often hear but it can also be other things – their ambition, their kids, their interests etc.

This comparison is natural but often our brains steer us in the wrong direction.

I would encourage you to make a list of all of the things about your ex that made them your ex. Be honest. It ‘ s easy to forget the things that went wrong but, if you dig deep, you will find them.

After you make your list, make a list of the good things in your new relationship. I am guessing that, if you are happy, there are many.

Making these lists, on paper, will help you see exactly why you shouldn ‘ t be with your ex, sexual chemistry or not, and why you are happy in your new relationship and that the sadness will pass.

#2 – You miss the comfort.

No matter how long we are in a relationship, patterns of behavior are developed. And these patterns are familiar and hard to change.

Whether the patterns are good ones, like eating pizza on Fridays or going for a walk every night, or bad ones, like fighting every morning about who will walk the dog or having to count drinks over the course of the evening, these patterns are yours and hard to let go of.

Furthermore, in new relationships, we often feel insecure because things are so new and we long for the comfortable, what we know so well.

Just know that, as your relationship continues to grow, so will your comfort level and, as it grows, you will be able to let go of your ex and your old ways and be happy.

#3 – You have to let go of dreams.

We when we embark down the road of a new relationship, with it comes big hopes and dreams for the future. And with a break up those dreams go up in smoke. And that is sad.

I remember the dreams I had with my ex. I had loved him in college and was so looking forward to going back to a college reunion with him by my side. We would live together and work together and heal together. We talked about where we would live and growing old together. And then, one day, it was over. And those dreams were dashed.

I am sure that you and your new ex have big hopes and dreams. I know that my new guy and I do. But I know that those hopes and dreams are different from the ones I had with my ex and it took me a while to let go of them and embrace the new ones.

But, man, am I glad I did.

#4 – End of an era.

When we end a relationship, we end an era. And era of time together as a couple, with friends, traveling, being with each other ‘ s families, perhaps having kids together or getting a dog. And when a break up occurs, that era is over.

I have a client who just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. They had a very tight friend group, he spent much of his days trying to help her move forward in her life, she loved his dog and they enjoyed the things that they did together. Now he has a new girlfriend and with her comes a whole new friend group, trying to figure out how to manage a long distance relationship, getting to know each other ‘ s habits and introducing each other ‘ s dogs.

This new era is exciting and new but that doesn ‘ t mean the old one wasn ‘ t special in its own way. If you can accept that the past, good and bad, is the past and that looking back isn ‘ t going to get you anywhere, you will be able to recognize that this next era is going to be great. And that will help you alleviate your sadness.

#5 – You haven ‘ t let go of what happened.

One of the reasons that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship is because you haven ‘ t processed what happened in the old one.

I know that it took me a full year to get past my ex, in spite of the fact that I was very happy with my new guy. After a toxic two year relationship, I decided one day that I just had to walk away. I knew that if I talked to him at all, he would suck me back in, as was our pattern. So, to save myself, I never talked to him again. I don ‘ t believe in closure because I truly believe that it ‘ s just an excuse to spend more time in the presence of your soon to be ex, but I also know that there were some things left unsaid between us. And that was unsettling.

But now, 3 years out, I have been able to let go of what happened and fully lean into my new relationship. It took a while but time and doing some work with my therapist helped me process what happened and move forward without looking back.

I know that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship and that is not unusual.

Fortunately, it is most likely something that will pass sooner or later.

As your relationship grows and you become more comfortable with each other, when you stop comparing your new person to your ex, when you stop looking to the past and can fully process what happened then you will be able to move on and lean into your new relationship and be truly happy.

You can do it! I promise!

5 Common Stressors That Can Lead To Depression During the Pandemic

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As the months of Covid-19 stretch on, with no end in sight, more and more people are asking me to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

We are in unprecedented times and our lives have changed completely. Things that we used to take for granted are no longer a part of our lives and things as they are now often feel uncomfortable and unnatural.

If you can identify stressors that can lead to depression, you can learn how to manage those stressors to help you manage your moods before they get the best of you.

Here are the 5 most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

#1 – Fear of the future.

This, I believe, is the most common stressor that is leading to depression these days.

As I write this the election rages around us, many states in the west are on fire and Black Lives Matter protests are still scattered around the US. On top of that, winter approaches and cases are mounting every day. No vaccine is in sight and Covid is dividing America even further across party lines.

We wake up every day, not knowing what the future holds.

Fear for the future and the hopelessness that it engenders causes depression in a way like none other. Not knowing what tomorrow looks likes worries us. What life will look like for our children, whether toilet paper will disappear again, whether the current weather patterns will worsen, all these things makes us anxious and fearful and depression can follow.

So, as you question whether you are depressed, take into consideration that this fear of the future is our baseline right now so things that are common stressors that can lead to depression are magnified during the Covid-19 crisis.

#2 – Lack of ‘ ˜me ‘ time.

This is a big one for me. Time by myself.

Until the pandemic, my boyfriend and I were living a quiet life together in the woods of New England. I had escaped my NYC apartment, where I had lived alone for years, to live with him. I was nervous about living with someone again but it ended up being fun. I worked from home, alone all day because he was working. I had my alone time and then there was time for us.

And then Covid hit. Within weeks one of his kids moved in with us. And 7 months later he is still with us. He lost his job and his social life dried up so he was home 24/7. I literally wasn ‘ t alone in my home for 5 months. I thrive on alone time and the lack of it is driving me, it feels like literally, insane.

Are you one of those people who needs time by themselves? Many of us do. Even if it ‘ s just the car ride to or from work, time by ourselves helps us recharge our batteries. For many of us, our batteries are on empty, especially if the co-habitants of our houses are under the age of 10.

If you are struggling with empty batteries, I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to spend some time by yourself. I have been closing my TV room door and doing yoga, taking walks, working in the garden, writing my blogs from my bedroom and sometimes just driving nowhere. None of those things completely charge my batteries but they are doing a nice job of keeping them charged enough so that I don ‘ t drive off a cliff.

#3 – Not enough time with friends and co-workers.

I have a client who has been really struggling recently. As we talked it through I realized that she is really missing her co-workers. She had worked closely with the team for years and not being in their physical presence was wearing on her. To have them there one day and gone the next was something that she was really struggling with.

Similarly, another client, one who thrives on being with people, is really struggling because her core group of friends have left the city. They were all in their mid-twenties, living the life in the city, and they all lost their jobs and headed home to their families. She had done the same and they were all Facetiming but it just wasn ‘ t the same.

If you find that you are missing your friends and co-workers, try to make an extra special effort to figure out a way to see them. I know that it can be a challenge but there are ways. Picnics, walks, outdoor movie watching etc. All of these things can be done to allow you to spend time with people who feel you and help alleviate the depression that might be caused by the pandemic.

#4 – Anxiety about public spaces.

One of my closest friends fled San Francisco in March and is now living in her house in a small town in Vermont. She has been there since March and rarely leaves. She is worried about Covid to the extent that it has made her fearful of leaving her home.

For most of our lives, we have taken public spaces for granted. Running to the grocery store or the mall or a movie is something we used to do without thinking. Doing errands on a Saturday morning was once a family affair.

Now, we don ‘ t go out unless we need to. When we do, we don masks and carry hand sanitizer. One person goes into the store while the others wait in the car. Everyone in the store is wearing a mask and standing 6 feet apart. If they aren ‘ t, we feel anxious.

Common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic include this fear of public spaces. Not feeling safe anywhere other than our house makes us sad. It makes us anxious. It makes us worried. It makes us depressed.

Know that, if you are struggling with fears of public spaces, you are not alone. If these fears are causing you to feel depressed, get someone to help you do the things that you need to get done out there in the world so that you can manage your anxiety.

#5 – Less physical affection and romance.

I remember in March everyone was talking about Covid babies, babies that would be born 9 months after the pandemic began. Ironically, Covid babies aren ‘ t a thing. Why? Because Covid is making it so we touch each other less.

Because Covid is transmitted by physical proximity, people just aren ‘ t touching each as much other anymore. Of course, many of us have our pods of people who we interact with, and hopefully hug, but the bigger world isn ‘ t accessible to us. Hugging someone you haven ‘ t seen in a while, or even shaking their hand, isn ‘ t an option anymore.

And, if is there is one great natural depressant, it ‘ s physical touch. Hugs, holding hands, kissing – all these things make someone feel better. Not having those things, instead touching elbows, is making many of us depressed.

Furthermore, romance is, in many ways, out the window. Many of my clients are meeting people online. They are getting to know each other through FaceTime but, if and when they choose to meet, there is little or no physical contact. And without physical contact, romance is difficult. Especially new romance.

I don ‘ t mean sex but I mean that initial jolt that you get when you hug someone hello. Or when your hands touch. Or when you brush up against each other walking down the street. Those things aren ‘ t happening now. Dating is more Victorian, as if we had a chaperone who was measuring the space between us to ensure that it was ‘ ˜proper.’

Lack of romance and physical touch are very common stressors that can lead to situational depression during the pandemic.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article you are struggling with depression and wondering why.

There are many things that are in play right now that are making a lot of people depressed. Fears for the future, absence of contact with people, reduced time alone, anxiety about public spaces and the need for physical contact are all things that can drag people way down.

That being said, it is very important that you pay attention to your depression. Follow the suggestions that I made above if you think they might be helpful. If, however, you find your depression getting worse, that it is impacting your life, your work and relationships, then it ‘ s time to talk to a doctor.

Depression can get worse if it is not managed properly. Talk to your primary care doctor right away if you feel like yours is worsening and making your life a difficult one to live.

Good for you for taking the time to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic. We have a long road ahead and knowing how to manage your mental health will help you come out the other side intact, ready to full live again.

You can do it!

5 Reasons You Are Blaming Yourself After Your Spouse Cheated

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Tell me the truth – do you find that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated? Are you angry and sad and overwhelmed but do you find that you are ultimately taking responsibility for what happened?

I so often hear this from clients – that their partner cheated but that they are blaming themselves. And this self-blame is preventing them from moving forward in any direction, which isn ‘ t healthy.

Let me explain to you why you might be blaming yourself after your spouse cheated and how to get past that self-blame and move forward.

#1 – You feel rejected.

When we find out that our partners cheated, it is devastating. While, in my experience, there are many emotions at play, the predominant one that I hear from people is that they feel rejected. That they weren ‘ t good enough.

I have a client who thought that she and her husband were happy. They had just returned from a vacation where they really enjoyed each other and were planning another. And then she looked at his phone and saw messages of love from another woman.

Yes, she was furious but at the same time she immediately questioned why she wasn ‘ t good enough for her husband. Why did he have to go seek love and affection somewhere else?

Was it because she worked too much or had gained some weight or that she spent too much time with the kids? Was she no longer young enough or pretty enough? What could she have done to have kept him interested enough that he wouldn ‘ t have strayed?

I am here to tell you that affairs happen for many reasons but none of them is usually because of something that you did or didn ‘ t have, that you did or didn ‘ t do. People are attracted to each other for a variety of reasons and attraction in affairs often has nothing to do with the original partner – it has to do with the bubble the cheaters find themselves in as their relationship developed.

It ‘ s not what you didn ‘ t have or do that caused the infidelity – it ‘ s what existed in that relationship that caused the affair.

#2 – You feel gullible.

If you are honest with yourself, were there times when you wondered if there was something going on with your spouse? Did you sense they were distant or not always properly accounting for their time or keeping their phone close? Did you notice those things but push the thoughts away as unthinkable?

Or maybe you truly had no sense that anything was off and learning so has made you feel incredibly stupid for missing the signs?

Many of us do this – we don ‘ t even consider that our partner might be unfaithful or we ignore red flags because we just don ‘ t think our partner capable of cheating. And, when we discover that our partner has cheated, we are mortified that we didn ‘ t know, that the person who swore to love us forever willingly deceived us.

I can promise you that you aren ‘ t gullible for not speaking up when you noticed signs. That you aren ‘ t stupid for being totally unaware of what was happening behind your back. You are a person in the world, trying to get by, to be the best that you can be in a relationship and to trust your partner to be true.

Your partner lied to you. They deceived you. This is not on you – it is on them!

#3 – You trusted them.

For many of us, when we find out our partner cheated, we simply can not conceive it to be true. I mean, this is our person, the person who stood up in front of our friends and family and promised to love us forever. How could this person, this person we have shared a life with for years, betray us so completely?

Ironically, it is exactly this trust that is why you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated. You are so programmed to love and trust your partner that the instinct to look inward at your own deficiencies is a profound one.

I know that when I found out that my ex was having an affair, I went right to that dark place. This person was the father of my children, a man I greatly respected, with whom I had made a life. That he could betray me in that way made me doubt everything about me and us. If I was questioning everything about my relationship, how could I not question myself for my role in the fact that it happened?

I now know that yes, my ex had an affair, but that affair didn ‘ t nullify everything in our past. Yes, he let me down in the biggest way but that doesn ‘ t mean that I bore any responsibility for his actions. What he did was all on him

#4 – The family.

The biggest victims of infidelity are the children. They are innocent bystanders to their parent ‘ s marriage and when someone cheats, they are often directly affected.

I am the child of divorce and I didn ‘ t want that for my children. When I found out my spouse cheated and wanted a divorce my first thought went to my kids – to the family that they would lose.

I promised them I would do everything in my power to try to hold our family together and I failed. All of my efforts to do so were met with anger and disrespect and I ultimately had to walk away.

For years I blamed myself for taking their family away from my kids but I know now that it wasn ‘ t on me. My partner was the one who strayed in the first place. He was the one willing to put our family on the line for his selfish needs. While I tried to fix things, I couldn ‘ t do it in a void. If he wasn ‘ t in, there was nothing I could do.

Blaming myself was a huge waste of time. I see that now.

#5 – Taking blame is what we do.

There is a quote I read someplace sometime – If you are willing to take the blame, someone is happy to give it to you. As someone who is chronically willing to take the blame for anything, whether it ‘ s my fault or not, that quote really speaks to me.

In the aftermath of an affair, when we are questioning every single thing in our lives, it ‘ s so easy to go down the path of self-blame. It ‘ s what we do.

If a friend is upset, we immediately take stock of what we might have done to make them so. If we bump into someone and spill coffee, we immediately apologize, even if we were the ones bumped into. If something goes wrong at work, we are willing to take blame whether or not we deserve it to save our jobs.

Self-blame is what we do, especially women. But we don ‘ t have to do it. We don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for everything that is wrong in the world. And we don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for the fact that our spouse cheated.

It does seem crazy that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated but it is a very common occurrence.

The feelings of rejection, of feeling gullible and deceived, the guilt around the loss of the family and our tendency to accept blame more often than not are all present as we are struggling with the aftermath of the affair. And all of those things are clouding your judgement and your ability to think clearly.

I would encourage you to push back on those feelings of self-blame. This is not your fault. You are responsible for your role in the relationship but not for your partner ‘ s cheating. That is all on them.

And the sooner that you can see this and accept it the sooner you will be able to move forward and start to heal.

You can do it!

5 Ways a Toxic Relationship Can Make You Sick

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I know that it ‘ s hard to believe but a toxic relationship can make you sick.

Just like being exposed to a toxic smell in the air or ingesting a toxic chemical by mistake, being in a toxic relationship can have serious side effects on your health, side effects that can be truly debilitating and life changing.

If you are in a toxic relationship it might be doing more than dashing your hopes for a healthy one. It might actually be making you physically ill and, if it is, it ‘ s important that you stop it in its tracks before it brings you down any further.

Here are 5 ways that a toxic relationship can make you sick.

#1 – Physical debilitation

Did you know that being in a toxic relationship can actually make your body fall apart?

The stress that you are under trying to manage your relationship, trying to process whether you should stay or go, surviving the toxicity in the relationship and trying to live your life can just get to be too much. And what is the first thing to go? Your physical health.

The effects of stress on your body is not insignificant. Stress can lead to chemical imbalances, eating disorders and substance abuse. It can also lead to respiratory, digestive and immune system issues. Furthermore, stress can be a significant contributor to sexual function disorders.

If you are struggling with body aches, persistent colds, difficulty breathing or anxiety attacks, among other things, perhaps your toxic relationship is making you sick.

Do you want this relationship to kill you? Because it might just be, slowly, doing that.

#2 – Mental despair

The most obvious sign that a toxic relationship can make you sick is the depression and anxiety that can rear their ugly heads in the midst of everything that is going on.

Toxic relationships are a day in day out thing. When relationships are bad, more often than not people regularly ruminate on them. If relationships are more than bad, if they are toxic, then we can become obsessively focused on them, causing us to turn away from and neglect things that are important to us.

Furthermore, toxic relationships fill us with feelings of despair and hopelessness, they influence how we think about ourselves and the world, they make us suspicious of other people ‘ s motivations, they make us feel unsafe. All of those things can lead to a situational depression that will get only worse before it gets better.

Extremely toxic relationships that involve severe emotional and/or physical abuse can actually lead to a clinical depression which can be hard to manage and can stay with you a long time, if not forever.

If you are feeling hopeless, if you just want to sleep all the time, if you are isolating yourself, if your moods are interfering with your life or your work, you just might be depressed. Getting out of your toxic relationship might be just thing to help you deal with that.

#3 – Isolation

Unfortunately, many people who find themselves in toxic relationships tend to isolate.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner, as a way of controlling someone, but often times people self-isolate. They do so because they might be feeling worthless, perhaps they are embarrassed by their relationship, perhaps their friends are sick of hearing about it, perhaps they are sitting at home, waiting for their person to show up.

If there is one thing that we have learned during this time of Coronavirus it ‘ s that isolation is very difficult for human beings to live with. People need to be with people. People need to touch people. They need to surrounded by people who love them. Not having those things can be debilitating in a big way.

Loneliness is one of the most significant causes of depression. It can also lead to unhealthy habits, inability to sleep and substance abuse.

If you find that you are isolating because of your toxic relationship, it could be why your body and mind are suffering so.

#4 – Self-doubt

When we are in a toxic relationship we are filled with self-doubt.

Whether it ‘ s because of the way our partner treats us, whether they belittle us or treat us with contempt or physically abuse us, the result is that we can doubt ourself at every turn. We can doubt who we are as a person, it can affect our work, it can make us question every choice we ever made.

And self-doubt is an insidious thing. The longer it goes on the more it can deeply affect your physical and mental health.

Fortunately, self-doubt can be shut down if you leave your toxic relationship and seek help. Unfortunately, as long that the toxicity exists in your life, the unhealthier, emotionally and physically you could become.

#5 – Substance abuse

When we are struggling with physical and mental issues, with isolation and self-doubt, we are often drowning, having no idea what to do, how to proceed, how to take care of ourselves. Our relationship is making us miserable and the stress is taking its toll on our physical health.

The best thing that we can do to manage side effects of a toxic relationship is to exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Unfortunately, most of us don ‘ t do that.

For many people, the way that they manage stress is by drinking, doing drugs and over or under eating. All of those things help ease the pain that we are dealing with, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, those things ultimately just make us feel worse.

Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate mental and physical health issues. Over/under eating can lead to self-hatred and health issues related to bad nutrition. Bad habits might feel good in the short term but they will only make us sicker.

If you find that your toxic relationship is causing you to develop bad habits that only make you feel worse about yourself, perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away from the relationship and work towards being healthy again.

Knowing how and why a toxic relationship can make you sick is an excellent means of evaluating whether or not to get out of one.

If you are reading this article you most likely realize that your relationship is toxic and you are seeking some way to identify and deal with it. Connecting your toxic relationship to the physical and mental struggles you have had recently might give you that extra push to get out.

So, if you are struggling with mental and/or physical health issues, if you are isolating and full of self-doubt, if you find that you are abusing substances then it could very well that your relationship is making you sick.

Is anyone worth destroying your health for? I don ‘ t think so!

Why You Feel Like Your Life Is Falling Apart in Month 6 of Covid-19

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If you are like me and many of my clients I am guessing that you feel like your life is falling apart right now.

Do you find that all of the coping mechanisms that you have developed over the years aren ‘ t working? Do you feel worthless or like a failure or like you have no one who loves you? Are you questioning every decision you have ever made and are you wondering how you can ever be at peace again?

I have so many clients who are reaching out to me now, questioning everything in their lives and feeling like they are truly losing their shit. And, yes, they all have stuff they are dealing with but right now their burden feels overwhelming.

If you feel like your life is falling apart right now there are many reasons and most of them have nothing to do with you.

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Life has changed completely.

Think about your life before March 2020. What did you do? Did you go out to eat and travel and visit your in-laws and drop your kids off at school and date and have ready access to toilet paper whenever you wanted it?

Did you assume that, no matter what the state of politics in the US, you had your own happy life, one with ups and downs sure, but with friends and family and freedom?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. All of us always assumed that we would have the freedom to live our lives the way we wanted and, all of a sudden, that freedom was ripped away from us.

For the first time we couldn ‘ t go and do what we wanted to do. Many people lost their jobs and, even if you didn ‘ t lose yours, the unemployment numbers were staggering. Grocery store shelves were bare and any travel plans you had were cancelled.

And the government was confusing us at every turn, giving us no confidence that we knew how to get through this.

This is a HUGE! We have literally been thrown off balance in a way that none of us know how to cope with. We have been pushing through these last few months but now we are tired. Now we are scared. Now we wonder what is next for our family and our country.

And all of these events and emotions are overwhelming us to the point that we are doubting ourselves and our life choices and our ability to accomplish anything. This is what you are feeling.

#2 – There is no end in sight.

Here we are, 6 months into the nightmare that is Covid-19, and there is no end in sight.

In June, we had all hoped that the summer months would help reduce the number of deaths. The President promised us that it would all just magically disappear. Masks became the fashion statement de jour and social distancing was encouraged.

And yet, people continued to fall ill. People were told that Covid was a hoax and didn ‘ t follow protocols that might have saved lives. Schools are re-opening and children and teachers are getting sick. And there is no vaccine in sight.

Who can blame you for feeling hopeless and helpless and out of control of your life, especially when you know your health is being threatened by non-believers. You feel like you have no control right now, over anything, so it ‘ s really hard to feel like you have control over yourself. And that lack of control shows up as self-doubt and anxiety.

#3 – Winter is coming.

I know that in many parts of the US winter coming isn ‘ t as big a deal as it is for most of us but for those of us who do deal with long, cold winters, we know, and dread, what is ahead.

Cold winters mean we all move indoors. Outdoor dining and social events are going to evaporate. Colds and flu will run rampant, creating a fear that with every sniffle or fever we, or our family, have coronavirus. It ‘ s dark and cold and the outside experiences that got us through these last few months are going to be few and far between.

And who knows what is going to happen over the holidays – often the only bright spot before the long days of January, days when we see family and visit warm places. Just the thought of it makes me sad.

Even in the best of times, winter ‘ s approach can be daunting. Right now, as we all struggle with this ongoing pandemic, is seems almost unbearable.

#4 – Politics.

Today, Donald Trump was diagnosed with Covid-19. After six months of publicly denying it (and private confirming how dangerous it was) the President of the United States has this horrible disease and the world is upended.

Before this latest news, we have had 4 years of vitriol, hate and public displays that have dispirited us all. To name a few, in the past few years we have had the Kavanaugh hearings, which raised again the ugly specter of sexual abuse. Ruth Bader Ginsberg died suddenly, creating a constitutional crisis around the Supreme Court. Putin put a bounty on US soldier ‘ s heads and the administration did nothing about it. A foreign leader was encouraged to influence the presidential campaign. Families have been torn apart trying to come into our country. Science has been denied and our world is on fire.

And this is just a very small portion of what we have been dealing with since March 2020 and before.

Imagine if you were from another planet, looking down on those of us living in the US right now, can you imagine the empathy that you would have for us? For those of us, on both sides, who are angry and suffering and scared. For those of us who are afraid for the future of our children. How we are scared that our mothers and fathers will die alone.

If you are feeling off kilter and like your life is falling apart, know that even the strongest, most self-confident person is really struggling right now.

#5 – Too much of a usually good thing.

What is it that we all always wished for in our previous lives? What did we just not have enough of but so wished we did? What was thing that was passing before our eyes?

Time. We always wanted more time.

And now we have it. Lots and lots of time to sit around our homes, trying to stay busy, a little bit bored somedays. Lots and lots of time.

I know that for many people the time has been a good thing. I know couples who have grown closer because their busy lives no longer keep them apart. I know of families who have done things together that they hadn ‘ t done in years. I know that there is a lot of yummy bread and chocolate chip cookies that have been made and devoured. We have had time that we have never had before and it has been good.

The downside to all of that time, however, is that it allows our minds to run wild. The time that you used to spend riding the subway or going to the movies or having long boozy dinners with friends is now time often spent in our heads. Instead of running around, keeping ourselves busy, as is human nature, we are left alone with our thoughts.

The worst thing about our thoughts is that, more often than not, they only run negative tapes. I know that I do have some good memories that I like to play over in my head but more often than not I am thinking about that stupid thing I said in 3rd grade, about that time I chose badminton over track in junior high, about how I never appreciated one gift that my ex husband gave me, about how my depression affected my children.

And what do those negative thoughts do? They make me doubt myself and my abilities and my future in every way.

So, while more time has been a gift, recognize that that gift can also bring us to a place of self-doubt that might not exist if we weren ‘ t spending so much time not busy, alone with our thoughts.

If you are one of many of us who feel like your life is falling apart in month 6 of Covid, know that while it feels like it ‘ s all about you and your weaknesses, it ‘ s not!

The world around us feels like it is crashing and burning and even the most resilient of us are struggling to make it through.

Try to keep in mind, as you are struggling, that you are not a person who is weak or worthless or hasn ‘ t lived up to your own expectations. Instead, take stock of the person you are in the world, the people who love you, the good things that you have done, the things that you know you have to offer the world.

You might not be able to make big change right now but it ‘ s ok. Someday this will all be behind us and life will go on and you will get your stability back. And when you do, watch out world!

5 Ways to Make a Difficult Conversation Easy in Your Relationship

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Tonight, I have to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and I was wondering about ways to make a difficult conversation easy.

I was dreading the conversation because he hates to talk about things but there are things that need to be talked about.

I sat here thinking over and over about what to say and how to say it and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, and our marriage, by the end of it. I was petrified.

Fortunately, the life coach in me knows that, while my concerns are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I, and you, do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Stop obsessing.

As I sat there thinking about what tonight was going to look like, I was visualizing all sorts of reactions from my spouse around what I was going to say.I thought about how he would react and what he would say. And then I thought about what I would say next. And then what I might do when he storms off. And what we will do afterwards when it ‘ s time to go to bed.

I ran the scenarios over and over in my head and, for a while, they were all that I could think about. More even than the content of the talk. I just didn ‘ t know what would happen and it worried me.

But I knew that I had to let go of those projected outcomes. I had NO IDEA how he was going to react and to spend even one minuteperseveratingabout how he might was a complete waste of time. And, if I thought about it too much, I knew I would go into the conversation with heightened anxiety, which was sure to sabotage the outcome before I began.

So, I had to let go of these ruminations and go into the conversation with a clear head, willing to accept that whatever happened would happen and that I couldn ‘ t control the outcome.

#2 – Timing is everything.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. If you raise the topic after a really stressful bedtime with the kids or after he has had a disagreement with his mother or when she is exhausted, your conversation could be doomed.

So, choose a time carefully. Tonight is pizza night, no cooking and no dishes, and my spouse is always happiest when there are no dishes. Afterwards, we will go on a walk and he will be relaxed and I will bring up what I want to talk about. Softly.

#3 – Do not go on the offensive.

Your goal in this situation is to make a difficult conversation easy, a conversation that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My partner and I are struggling with a few issues in our relationship. Instead of leading in with all of the things that he is doing wrong, I will ask him if he is happy. Ona scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (hopefully and gradually) get him to open up to me about what is going on with him. From there I can ask him probing questions that will help me understand where he is coming from.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And, certainly, he will not be interested in listening to what I need if I go on the attack right away.

#4 – Do not go on the defensive.

This is so important. We need to be very careful to listen to what we are hearing back from the person with whom weare talking and not immediately start defending ourselves before they are finished. Not only could we get some valuable information but, by letting them know that we are paying attention, we will be more likely to get the outcome that we seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

It’s also important to just listen if that is what your spouse wants. Sometimes, as our spouse tells us what is going on, we do one of two things – we push back and defend the situation or we try to fix it. Sometimes, neither one of those things is what is needed in the moment. Sometimes, our spouse just needs to be heard.

Most importantly, if you want your spouse to start to communicate with you, they need to know they can do so knowing that they will be heard, and not just deflected. Wouldn ‘ t you be way more willing to talk to someone if you knew that you were safe and respected?

So, listen, listen, listen. Don ‘ t go on the defensive. I can guarantee you that your conversation will not be effective if you are the one doing all the talking.

#5 – Be confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my spouse seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always ask my clients to consider ‘What is the worst that can happen?’

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be a divorce. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation. As a matter of fact, divorce is a more likely outcome if we are unable to talk about our issues so I keep that in mind as the night grows closer.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

Pain is part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process and, hopefully, at the end of it, we both will be on the way to understanding each other just a little bit more, with the goal of working things through, together.

And growing is the end goal.

Looking for ways to make a difficult conversation easy is the key to a successful relationship. Without communication, your relationship will most likely fail.

So many relationships fall apart because partners can ‘ t communicate with each other and instead they grow further and further apart until their marriage is irreparably broken.

Make sure that you go into this conversation in a good place, without making assumptions about the content and the outcome. Choose a time and a place that won ‘ t be stressful. Make sure that you don ‘ t attack and that you not get defensive but that you listen to what is being said. And know that, no matter what, the world won ‘ t end because of the conversation. Life will go on with what needed to be said out in the open instead of stuck in your head.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Nice Ways To Break Up With Someone So You Don’t Break Their Heart

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I know – ending a relationship is one of the hardest things to do and good for you for trying to find some nice ways to break up with someone so that you don ‘ t break their heart.

You care for this person but you know there is no future for you as a couple and you don ‘ t want to hurt them when you let them go.

Fortunately, there are kind ways to break up with someone without breaking their heart, at least not completely.

#1 – Don ‘ t disappear.

The WORST way to break up with someone is to ghost them, to disappear without a word. I know that it seems relatively painless, that if you just don ‘ t contact them anymore they will get the picture and move on. Unfortunately, ghosting someone makes it easier on you but it ‘ s definitely not a nice way to break up with someone and not break their heart.

Most of us need to have some idea what has happened in a relationship before we can move on. This is especially true if the break up comes from out of the blue. If our person suddenly disappears, we are left wondering what happened, what we did wrong, how someone could treat us this way and how to move forward.

And this is heartbreaking.

Ghosting someone is good for exactly one person – the person who does the ghosting. The person who does the ghosting doesn ‘ t have to face the person they are breaking up with. They don ‘ t have to explain themselves. They don ‘ t have to see the pain on the other person ‘ s face. So, don ‘ t kid yourself if you think that ghosting someone is the kindest thing to do. It ‘ s not. It will only make things worse.

#2 – Tell the truth.

It is essential that, when we break up with someone, we tell the truth about how we are feeling.

How many times has someone said ‘ ˜It ‘ s not about you – it ‘ s about me. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I am just too busy with work to be in a relationship right now. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I need to work on myself before I can love someone. ‘

These explanations always feel like bullshit to me and I am guessing they do to you too.

When you want to break up with someone without hurting them, it is essential that you are honest with them. Perhaps you can ‘ t verbalize exactly why you are breaking up with them but if they ask you questions, answer them. If you just don ‘ t feel a connection, tell them that. If you like them but aren ‘ t attracted to them, tell them that. If your old girlfriends has reappeared tell them that. Tell them the truth.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients struggle with the reasons they were broken up with. They just don ‘ t believe their person was telling them the truth and they question everything. They often say ‘ ˜If he had just told me what happened, I would be able to move on but I just don ‘ t feel like he did. ‘

A big part of recovering from heartbreak is the ability to move on and not telling the truth will hinder your ex from doing so.

#3 – Be kind.

While I encourage people to be honest when they break up with someone, I also encourage them to not be mean. Honesty is important but if you hurt someone in the process, it won ‘ t help your ex ‘ s broken heart.

Imagine if someone told you that the reason they were breaking up with you was because you didn ‘ t have a job and they couldn ‘ t respect you. That they were embarrassed when they introduced you to their friends and that watching them sleep all day instead of working drove you nuts. While all those things might be true, the delivery is key because doing so unkindly will only cause pain.

How about, instead, you tell them that the importance of ambition is different for the each of you and that you feel that this unevenness was making it hard for you to commit to the relationship. By saying it this way, you aren ‘ t attacking them but talking about your feelings about ambition and how that is getting in the way for you.

By doing this, by delivering your reason for the breakup in a way that reflects your feelings as opposed to their deficiencies, you can soften the blow and break up with someone without breaking their heart.

#4 – Don ‘ t do it slowly.

I have a friend who, when he no longer wants to be with someone, doesn ‘ t tell them straight out. Instead, he stops texting and calling as much, he doesn ‘ t respond regularly when they reach out, he spends time with them but not to the extent that he used to.

He says he does so because he doesn ‘ t hurt them but I would argue it actually easier on him and that this actually hurts them more. Much like pulling off Bandaid, ending a relationship quickly and decisively will help your person recover and move on more quickly.

Another thing that many people do is they yo-yo. They want out but they don ‘ t want to hurt their person and they are worried that they will get bored and lonely, so they have a hard timebreaking up with them for good. They break up and then they come back, things are okay for a while and then it all falls apart again. Doing this over and over and over isn ‘ t good for anyone and will definitely lead to heartbreak.

#5 – Don ‘ t move on too quickly.

One of the worst things that can happen is when someone breaks up with you and the next day you see them all over social media with a new partner. Immediately you question everything about yourself and your relationship. You wonder if your person was cheating on you the whole time. You wonder why you weren ‘ t good enough for that person, why they had to go looking for someone else. You assume you have been lied to and you are humiliated and you feel betrayed by your person for flaunting this new person to all of your friends.

Even if you do have someone waiting in the wings, make sure that you leave a respectable amount of time before you bring that person out into the open. Yes, you want the world to know that you are in love but have enough respect foryour ex to give them some time to move onand to not disrespect them in the eyes of the world.

I know that you want to find find ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart. Having respect for your ex and your relationship is the key to doing this successfully.

It is possible to find nice ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart completely.

Of course, every time we are broken up with there is pain but you can control how much pain there is and how quickly your ex can move forward.

It is essential that you don ‘ t just disappear, that you stay and face them. You must be honest with them but also kind. You must end it decisively and you must take care to respect them and not flaunt a new relationship right away.

Breaking up is hard to do but doing it in a way that is respectful and kind will not only help your ex recover more quickly, it will help you feel good about how you ended it and move on without guilt. It is hard not to break someone ‘ s heart when you break up with them but finding kind ways to do so will help their broken heart mend faster.

You can do this!

5 Things To Do NOW to Get Over a Break Up and Move On

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Ok! You have decided that it ‘ s time to get over a break up and move on.

Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.

Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.

#1 – Be determined.

The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.

Let ‘ s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it ‘ s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn ‘ t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘ ˜trying to quit, ‘ you haven ‘ t ‘ ˜decided to quit. ‘

Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘ ˜try ‘ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.

So, be determined. With determination you can have success.

#2 – Cut them off.

I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.

The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn ‘ t.

If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won ‘ t feel good.

If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it ‘ s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.

So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Write it down.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#4 – Mourn.

I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!

That being said, it ‘ s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.

So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.

If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It ‘ s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.

Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don ‘ t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it ‘ s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.

#5 – Be active.

One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.

I know that in this time of Covid-19 it ‘ s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.

Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘ ˜feel good ‘ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it ‘ s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.

Finally, while I know that you aren ‘ t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can ‘ t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn ‘ t have to derail you for good.

Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.

I know that the future doesn ‘ t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won ‘ t last forever.

Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

I know that things don ‘ t feel good right now but you have read this article in it ‘ s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.

You can do this! I know you can.

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