Can You Be in a Healthy Relationship and Still Miss your Ex?

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I had a friend call me today. ‘ ˜How can you be in a healthy relationship and still miss you ex? ‘ she asked.

She had just had a lovely date with her guy and, on the way home, she was compelled, by some unknown force, to find out where her ex lived and drive by his house. She thought she was past him and she was now worried that she was not. She liked her new guy and didn ‘ t want to slip backwards.

I assured her that it is very common for people to still miss their ex when they are dating or in a healthy relationship. There are a number of reasons why and here are a few of them.

#1 – The comfort of the known.

When you are newly dating, or in a healthy relationship, one of the reasons that you still miss your ex is the comfort of the known.

I had a boyfriend once who said it would be so nice to be able to skip the dating and go right to the two year mark in a relationship, where everything was comfortable. Because that ‘ s what new relationships are – uncomfortable – and who wants to be uncomfortable?

With your ex, you knew exactly how things were going to play out. Who eats what for breakfast, who needs space before coffee, what happens during Monday Night Football, how Thanksgiving is spent etc. You were in your relationship for some period of time and you were used to each other and that was comfortable.

With your new relationship, even if it has been going on for a while, you might still not be as comfortable as you were and that makes you think back to your ex and your routines and miss the security that you felt.

So, perhaps, it ‘ s not your ex who you are missing as much as the comfort you felt with someone you knew very well.

#2 – Things you shared.

I have an ex who I definitely should not be with right now but, man, did we have FUN!

One July day, while out sailing on Lake Champlain in Burlington, we flipped our sailboat. We came up, sputtering, still holding our wine glasses. We sacrificed the glasses to the Lake and flipped the boat over. Our bottle of wine was still there – our flip flops and t-shirts gone.

We were laughing SO hard. We sailed home, walked to the closest outside bar with bare feet and shared Dark & Stormys. And that night at the hotel was the perfect cherry on top of a perfect day.

We had lots of memories like that, this guy and I. And I think about those days a lot and, enjoy the memories and the feelings they evoke. I LOVE my new boyfriend in a big way but there are many days that I think back on the fun we had and miss my ex. And that is ok.

#3 – What was good.

Yes, your ex is your ex for a reason but they are also someone you fell in love with. And that means there was some good.

When you miss your ex, do you remember how the two of you were when you first met, when you stayed up all night talking and then stayed in bed in the morning making love? Do you remember how good he was with your friends? Do you remember that funny way she stuck her tongue between her teeth when she laughed? Do you remember how he used to hold your hand when you were anxious going to his parent ‘ s house?

When we break up with someone, the things about them that made us fall in love with them don ‘ t cease to exist. There are still there, in your memory and, perhaps, in real life, and you are going to miss them. Even one of my clients, who was in the most toxic relationship I have ever heard of, misses her ex and the way he could be, even now that she is in a heathy relationship.

So, just because you have broken up, your ex does still have some of the qualities that you fell in love with and, knowing that, will lead to you missing them.

#4 – What you have forgotten.

I have an ex who I used to think of often, even as my relationship grew into the amazing thing it is today. I often found myself thinking about those things above, the good things we shared and the wonderful things he did for me. And I missed him.

And then one day I found an old journal. I had written a few pages in the midst of the turmoil building around the relationship. And, in those written words, I remembered some things that I had forgotten.

It was always all about him – rarely about me. He stopped wanting to have sex quite early on in our relationship and actually strong armed me one day when I made a move. He was insecure and jealous and very possessive.

I had forgotten all of those things. I remembered the one time he sang to me while I was in the shower, the first time we made love and how I believed that I could fix him if I just loved him enough.

This journal helped me to finally let him go – the bad definitely outweighed the good and I had forgotten all about it.

#5 – Who you used to be.

Another reason that you might still miss your ex even if you are in a healthy relationship is because you might miss the person you were in that relationship.

Relationships bring out the best and worst in us and when it ‘ s the best it makes us feel secure and loved.

I remember my first relationship after my divorce. I was fresh meat, out in the world, exploring dating for all of its good and bad. I went into that relationship so fresh, not yet jaded by dating in middle age. I jumped in head first. We travelled, laughed, had amazing sex and fell in love. Ultimately, it didn ‘ t work out but I think about the girl I was during that period of time and I love her. She was going through a really tough divorce but she didn ‘ t let it bring her down. She stepped up, moved on, found love and proved to herself that she could survive anything.

I still think about that guy (and the amazing sex) and don ‘ t wish that I was with him but I relish the person I was when I was with him. And that feels great.

Of course you can be in a healthy relationship and still miss your ex.

Life isn ‘ t linear. I always use the ice cream analogy. Let ‘ s say you have always loved chocolate ice cream. And then all the chocolate ice cream in the world disappears and you can only eat vanilla. And you discover that you LOVE vanilla ice cream. Would that love of vanilla ice cream take away from the love you once had for the chocolate ice cream?

No! It was something you were used to and it made you feel comfortable. You loved that you used to eat it with your kids at the beach in the summer. It tasted really good – although the chocolate didn ‘ t go so well with butterscotch sauce. And, when we eat ice cream, we always love the child that we become – the child that we need to get in touch with more often.

So, if you still miss your ex – it ‘ s ok!! We all do it, at one time or another. The key is to not let it sabotage your new relationship. Again, that person is your ex for a reason and unless hell has frozen over, that reason probably hasn ‘ t changed!

Why Dating A Married Man Will Only Lead to Heartbreak

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If you are thinking about having an affair, let me first tell you why dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to heartbreak.

The concept that dating a married man (or woman) will only lead to a broken seems like a no brainer – they are married and therefore off the market. A vow has been made that both people need to honor and straying from those vows just shouldn ‘ t be an option.

Unfortunately, in this world of life and love, it ‘ s just not that simple. Married people do, for many reasons, get involved with people outside of their marriage. Perhaps they are unhappy or insecure or lonely or chronically unfaithful. For whatever reason, people stray.

While it seems that the spouse would be the one left most injured in this situation, it is often the person who chooses to date the married person who will suffer most. Don ‘ t believe me?

Here are 5 reasons why dating a married man or woman will only lead to heartbreak. Read them and you will see that my words are true.

#1 – They will never leave their spouse. Ever.

I had a client who reconnected with a college boyfriend via Facebook. They struck up an innocent conversation and agreed to meet the next time he was in the city for work. He was married and she was not. Unfortunately, when they met under the clock at Grand Central Station their college connection sparked back up immediately.

He had been unhappily married for years and she was very lonely after her divorce and the connection was so organic and easy. Within days they fell in bed, within weeks they were professing their love for each other and within a month he said he was leaving his wife for her. She was so happy. All of her dreams were coming true.

Two years later, my client was still waiting for her lover to leave his wife.

Her lover genuinely loved her, that she knew, but there was always a reason why he couldn ‘ t leave. His daughter was having a hard time, his son was going off to college, a summer vacation had been planned, the holidays were approaching.

‘ ˜I will do it after that ‘ he was always promising. And he never did. Never.

I can tell you story after story after story like this one, where the married person swears they willleave their spouse for their new lover but they don ‘ t. They don ‘ t want to hurt their children or make a decision that has financial consequences or disappoint extended family or damage their reputation in the community. So, they don ‘ t leave.

And, really, why do they need to? They have you hook, line and sinker. You are sitting at home waiting for them, always available for support and sex. They have everything they want from you without giving up their family.

So, first and foremost, know that, one of the major reasons why you should never date a married man (or woman) is because they will never leave their spouse. Period.

#2 – Life as you know it will cease to exist.

When you are dating married man or woman, your life will cease to move forward in any meaningful way.

Think about when you start dating someone. You meet, you are attracted and you get to know each other. You talk about hopes and dreams for the future. You commit to being exclusive. You meet each other ‘ s friends and family. You take steps to move in together and maybe get married. All of those things are the natural progression of a healthy relationship.

When you get involved with a married man or woman, everything is different. Yes, you have the fun beginning – the meeting, the attraction, the staying up all night talking, the belief that you have found the love of your life. But that is where it ends.

If you are involved with a married man or woman, you will never meet their friends and family, you will never be able to take steps towards a future together. All of your talk about a future together will be empty because your person isn ‘ t leaving their spouse.

So, there you are,in stasis, not moving forward with life and love because you are waiting for your person to take action. You get sadder and lonelier and angrier and obsessed with the situation you are in. You give up dating and friends and hobbies so that you can be available whenever your lover wants to see you.

Life as you know it stops.

Life is short and every minute that you spend waiting for someoneto leave their spouse and commit to you is a wasted one and one that will keep you from finding the person who can love you fully and give you the life you want.

#3 – You will hate yourself.

For my client, one of the reasons that her lover was so attracted to her in the beginning was because she was a hot ticket. She had a cool studio in the city from which she had started her own business. She did volunteer work and made a huge difference in the lives of people living with mental illness. She was a great parent and an amazing lover. All of those things made him fall in love with her hard and fast.

Over the two years she waited for her lover to leave his wife, my client ‘ s life fell apart. Her work suffered, she lost touch with her friends, volunteering because increasingly hard and depression was her constant companion.

Furthermore, she detested herself for her inability to walk away from her lover. She grew to realize over time that his promises, while well meant, were empty. She knew that she was lonely and angry and that her self-hatred grew every day and yet she found herself incapable of picturing a life without him and she just couldn ‘ t saygoodbye.

One day, my client told me that she felt like a shadow of the person she was when she started out on this affair. She didn ‘ t have to self-confidence to take the steps that she needed to take to get her life back. She was lost and empty.

The love that initially fed her, body and soul, was sucking her dry.

#4 – You will always feel alone.

The days that my client felt most acutely unhappy in her relationship with her married man were those special days – the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays.

She spent her birthday alone with a bouquet of flowers that had been delivered in the morning. She spent Christmas alone, looking at pictures of his family around the tree that his daughter had posted on Instagram. Weekends were spent waiting for text messages. Night times were not for dating but for watching TV. Alone.

Once, for his birthday, she bought him a new briefcase – a beautiful leather one to replace his raggedy old canvas one. She presented it to him with excitement only to be told after he opened it that his wife had purchased him a new one and that he would have to use it. She was devastated. All of the thought and love that she had put into the gift was for not.

So, as you consider embarking on an affair with a married man or woman, consider that you will spend a lot of time alone, waiting on your person to take steps to be with you and knowing that chances are good that they won ‘ t.

#5 – It will all fall apart in the end.

Every healthy relationship is based on two things – communication and trust. An affair involves the absence of both of those things.

Obviously, if you are dating a married man or woman, you are involved with someone who is cheating on their partner and all trust is nonexistent. How can you ultimately trust someone who you know is willing to cheat? The old adage ‘ When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy ‘ rings true every time.

Furthermore, the foundation of a healthy relationship is communication and if most conversations are full of lies and false promises and lead to only hurt and disappointment, healthy communication will cease and any relationship will be doomed from the start.

In other words, if in fact your dreams do come true and your loverleavestheir partner, your relationship will be doomed to fail. After all that pain and suffering. Doomed.

Dating a married man (or woman) is an excellent way to ensure your heart, and your life, will be shattered into a million pieces.

Know that, if you choose to go down the infidelity path, your lover will never leave his spouse and his family, your life will be put on hold, you will always be lonely and your self-esteem will plummet. Moreover, should you ever get the relationship you desire, it will be dead on arrival because trust and communication will no longer exist.

I know that right now your married person seems like the answer to all of your dreamsbut know that they are, instead, the stuff that nightmares are made of.

5 Red Flags That Signal That Your Relationship is Toxic

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Are you wondering if your relationship is toxic? Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can get yourself out of a relationship that is toxic and also keep you from entering one in the future.

Here are 5 flags that signal that your relationship is toxic, five flags that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You walk on eggshells.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action and feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends more time in the garage knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear red flag that your relationship is toxic. No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is shot.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. She not longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a sign that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – Your health is failing.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not being loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eat well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a sign that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider what the next steps are for you to get your health back.

#4 – You are noticing substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be payed attention to.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to substances to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

On the other hand, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – Your friends have pulled away.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, it is possible that your individual friends will pull way from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is the reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

I know that prospect is daunting but you can do it – you only have one life to live and living it the way you are now isn ‘ t serving you in any way. Reach out to a therapist or a life coach and see what you can do to help heal your relationship or to help you walk away.

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

What You Need to Know about Surviving Infidelity in a Toxic Marriage

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Surviving a partner ‘ s infidelity can be very difficult but surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage can seem almost impossible.

A toxic marriage is one that is already fraught with all sorts of issues – contempt, fighting, silence and secrets. When you add infidelity into the mix, it is a recipe for disaster.

Fortunately, there are things that, if you are aware of them, can help you navigate surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage. The path that you will be navigating is an unfamiliar one but one that you can get to end of intact, with some awareness and action.

#1 – It ‘ s not about you…

Many people who have been cheated on blame themselves for the infidelity.

They believe that if they had only been nicer or given their partner enough sex or dressed better or lost that 10 pounds that their partner would not have strayed. And this just isn ‘ t the case.

Of course, infidelity doesn ‘ t occur in a void and marriages that are already toxic are especially vulnerable to cheating, but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are to blame for what happened.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but not usually because your partner looks at you and finds you lacking. Cheating happens because the marriage is damaged and someone else comes along who can temporarily distract one partner from the pain. Infidelity is rarely sought out – it finds us in places that we never expected.

So, first and foremost, you are not to blame for your partners infidelity. The responsibility lies squarely on their shoulders. After all, you are in this toxic relationship as well and you never strayed.

Keep this in mind and surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is possible!

#2 – …but it is up to you.

What is your responsibility is deciding what you are going to do next after discovering your partner ‘ s infidelity. This is a key part of getting through this and something that only you can decide.

You have a number of choices.

  • You can decide to leave. Your relationship is already toxic – is it now beyond repair?
  • You can decide to stay and work on your marriage.
  • You can decide to accept that infidelity might be a part of your marriage going forward and just go about your own life.

Which of these things do you want? Perhaps it ‘ s a combination of things that might work. Perhaps you might opt for therapy with the determination that if it doesn ‘ t help you are gone. Perhaps you might walk away until your spouse gets therapy to figure out their issues. Perhaps you accept the infidelity as long as he agrees to offer you something in return.

The options are there – it is up to you to decide what course to take. If you simply sit around, obsessing about the infidelity, all you are going to do is make yourself miserable and your marriage worse.

Make the decision about how you want to move forward and make it happen.

#3 – Remorse is essential.

One thing to help you aid in your decision about what actions to take next is whether or not your partner is remorseful about their actions. Do they accept responsibility for the pain that they have caused you and are they willing and able to make amends? Are they willing to share with you the information that you need, such as where, why and when, so that you can process what happened and decide next steps? Are they willing to stay away from their cheating partner?

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to communicate with you openly, there is no chance that getting help and working on your marriage will get you through this. If they blame you for what they did, telling you that it is your fault that they strayed, then you will be forever doomed to having a partner who is playing the victim and making you feel bad about yourself.

Do you want to be in a relationship like that?

#4 – Don ‘ t seek revenge.

When our partners stray, we are often so hurt and angry that we want to act out, to hurt that person the way that they hurt us. And what do we do? We seek revenge.

Revenge comes in many forms. Revenge can be taking the children and leaving. It can be about withholding love and affection. It can be telling the whole world about the infidelity. It can be about being passively aggressive in your interactions with them so that they suffer, drip by drip. Or it can be like Lorena Bobitt, who cut off her husband ‘ s penis (and went to jail) after discovering he had cheated.

Whatever kind of revenge that you are thinking of, DON ‘ T DO IT. It is essential that, in this stressful time, you hold your head up high and act in a way that is irreproachable. Act in a way that won ‘ t give your partner fuel for the fire for blaming you. Act in a way that your friends and family see you as a good person and so they will choose to support you. Act in a way that won ‘ t cause you any remorse down the road.

You are probably feeling pretty bad about yourself right now and, while revenge might feel like the answer, it ‘ s not.

And, actually, the best revenge will be your partner seeing you not falling apart but presenting yourself with grace and dignity in the face of what has happened!

#5 – Get help!

You are going through something that you have never gone through before – recovering from the aftermath of infidelity. While the tendency to go it alone, to heal by yourself, is strong, you have never walked this road before and getting help is essential.

I know that you might be ashamed about what has happened and you are worried that your therapist or life coach will judge you but I can promise you they won ‘ t. Many people go through this every day and a professional will only seek to support you through this time, not judge you. I promise.

Whether its individual therapy or life coaching, marital counseling or some combination of the both, seeking assistance from a professional during these horrible times will set you up for getting through all of this and coming out the other side in a healthy way.

Even if your partner won ‘ t agree to getting help, do it for yourself. You may or may not stay with this person but you will always be with yourself. Knowing how to like and love yourself is a key to being happy, with or without another person.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach (perhaps me!) today and get the help that you need processing what has happened and how to move forward.

Surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is something that can happen, with some self-awareness and action.

No matter what you decide to do, stay or go, it is possible for you to get through this intact and come out the other side happy.

Don ‘ t blame yourself but instead ask yourself what you want to do next. Get a sense of whether or not your partner is remorseful and don ‘ t seek revenge, whether they are or aren ‘ t. And get someone to help you get through these difficult times. You can ‘ t go it alone, even if you want to.

I know it feels like life will never be okay again, but it will be. I promise!

5 Reasons Setting Expectations in a New Relationship is Key to Its Success

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Setting expectations in a new relationship is something that many couples don ‘ t think to do.

When we start a new job, we generally go into it with some expectation of what the job is going to look like and how we can do the work so that we will be successful. When we enter a new relationship, we are following our heart, and our libido, two parts of our body that don ‘ t lend to long term, successful relationships.

Imagine going into your new relationship knowing what you and your partner can and should expect from each other. Imagine not having to guess at what will make your partner happy but knowing because they told you so. Imagine not fighting with your partner over the small stuff and instead enjoying your life together. All of those things can happen if you set expectations.

Why does setting expectations in a new relationship make such a difference? Let me explain ‘ ¦

#1 – You will make conscious decisions.

Relationships are between 2 people, two individuals with lives and histories and issues and habits and friends and fears and hopes. When those two individuals embark on a relationship, their lives are suddenly tossed together into one and sometimes their individual pieces just don ‘ t work together.

Setting expectations can identify those individual pieces and define how they are going to be managed.

I have a client who fell in love with a man who was a recovering alcoholic. A big part of his life was attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. While my client understood that this was a part of his life, as their relationship deepened she started resenting the time that he spent at his meetings instead of with her. She felt like if he loved her more, he would want to spend more time with her.

I encouraged her to talk to him about her expectations around time spent and to ask him about how he could balance his meetings and her without jeopardizing either his sobriety or the relationship. They came up with a plan that worked for both of them and she was happy. She knew when he was going to meetings and when he would be with her and she no longer felt threatened by them.

By identifying and addressing the meetings proactively, my client was able to stave off a potential long term issue with her guy.

#2 – You won ‘ t feel let down.

One of the most difficult things to manage in a relationship is being let down. To have someone not do what you expect them to do and feeling let down because of it.

Many, many couples struggle with this issue and the number one reason for let down is because people don’t know what their partner expects of them. They make assumptions about what their partner wants and they are wrong. And, because they are guessing and are wrong, they let their partner down, even if they don ‘ t mean to. By setting expectations, we can prevent the let down that comes from trying and failing to guess what your partner wants.

One day, the husband of one of my clients called his wife to ask if she needed anything on the way home. She didn ‘ t need anything but was so glad that he called to ask. And then, he never did it again. Because he had done it that once, she hoped that he would do it again and when he didn ‘ t, repeatedly, it started to really bug her and she got very resentful.

I asked her if he knew that she wanted him to call at the end of the day. She said that she assumed that he did because he asked that one time. I suggested that maybe he didn ‘ t realize that it was important to her because that one time she didn ‘ t need anything. I suggested that maybe if she asked him to do it regularly that he would be happy to oblige.

And she did and he did and they were happy!

Setting expectations in a new relationship, and an old one, is an excellent way to prevent let down and resentment.

#3 – You will know where to make change.

For many people in a relationship, a lot of time is spent stabbing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the other person needs. A lot of that time is wasted and, as a result, relationships get into a lot of trouble. Imagine knowing what exactly your partner expected of you and thereby knowing what you needed to do differently to make them happy.

In the example above, as soon as my client told her husband how much she appreciated it when he called on his way home, her husband knew exactly what he could do differently to make his wife happy. One small phone call could change the course of his evening, and his life. So, he made the change and all was good.

Don ‘ t expect your partner to change if they don ‘ t know what they need to do to change. Tell them so they can do so!

#4 – You can address issues.

Once you have succeeded in setting expectations in a new relationship you will have a road map of what you want your relationship to look like. Each person will have a clear expectation about what their role will be in the relationship and they will be able to act accordingly.

Of course, the best laid plans can fall apart and expectations can go unmet. But, if the expectations have been set and agreed upon, when they aren ‘ t met it is easier to see what the issue is.

Think of expectations as a relationship contract – a signed agreement of what you intend to do for each other. In any contract, there is an agreement between each side, what each will do to meet the contract. If that contract is violated then there will be consequences. If a carpet isn ‘ t delivered, the carpet company provides a refund. If a contractor ‘ s work is shoddy, they fix it. If your wife agrees to not complain about your weekly golf game and she does, you are allowed to address it.

Setting relationship expectations in a new relationship will allow you to be able to be specific when addressing issues that arise when the expectations are unmet. Instead of being able to say ‘ ˜I am angry with you ‘ you can say ‘ ˜I am upset that you didn ‘ t hold up your end of our agreement and let ‘ s address it. ‘

Which would be more effective in solving conflict, do you think?

#5 – You will know how to succeed.

The best part of setting expectations in a new relationship is being able to celebrate when the expectations are met. For many people, all they want is to make the person they love happy. When the person you love is happy, you are happy. When the person you love is unhappy, life can be miserable.

If you know what your partners expectations are, you will be able to make the choice whether or not to meet those expectations and make them happen. And if you do choose to meet those expectations, relationship happiness, and all the good things that come with it, will be yours for the taking.

Which would be a better way to end the day: sulking because of unmet expectations or not sulking and having a little fun?

Setting expectations in a new relationship is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship can be a happy one.

By defining clear expectations so that everyone knows their role in the relationship, by not letting each other down and creating resentment, by understanding where to make change, how to deal with issues and how to celebrate your success, you are taking steps to keep your relationship a healthy and happy one.

Don ‘ t be fooled by thinking that any couple in love should just be able to know what the other wants. That is the stuff of fairy tales.

Know what your person wants and needs and make sure they know yours and that is how fairy tales come true!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want your new relationship to be a happy one.

Let me help you, NOW, before issues arise.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How to Manage Your Depression When The World Seems to be in Chaos

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The other night I was sitting in the bathtub, soaking away the effects of the day. Suddenly I started crying. Not just crying, sobbing. I didn ‘ t know what was going on.

And then it hit me. The world was in chaos and I was going through some serious major life changes and out of nowhere it was all catching up to me. I wasn ‘ t used to things catching up to me so it made me very uncomfortable.

When I am uncomfortable I will figure out whatever it is I need to do to be comfortable so I was determined to push past this. And, with some work, I did.

Here are some things that you can do to manage your depression as the world is falling apart.

#1 – Allow yourself to cry.

Recently I have been having some arm problems and I have been seeing a rolfer to help me. She told me that she thought my arm problems were emotional – that the stress I was under was showing up in my body.

She encouraged me to let those emotions go. To really sit with the emotions when they crop up and let my body deal with them.

So, I did. I sat in the bathtub and cried. And cried. And cried. I took many deep breaths in between sobs. I allowed my body to let go of what I was feeling

As I cried, my mind kept wandering off to ways that I could fix what was causing the overwhelm but I would pull it back. I knew that now was the time for feeling my feelings and that later I would try to fix it.

An hour later I emerged from the bathtub, exhausted. I went to bed and woke up in the morning, feeling great, ready to manage my depression in a productive way.

If you are trying to manage your depression, try doing what I did. Sit with your feelings. Let your body process the emotions and let them go. When you do this, you are setting yourself up for managing your depression for a life of success.

#2 – Take stock of what is bringing you down.

A big part of how to manage your depression is knowing what is causing it. If we don ‘ t know what is depressing us it is impossible to deal with it.

So, the day after my crying jag, I made a list of the things that might be making me depressed. I was in the middle of a big move, away from my kids. I had developed a frozen shoulder over the past year. I was going to be on the road a lot over the next week doing presentations. My dog was habitually pooping in my son ‘ s room at night. My boyfriend was going through a really hard time in his personal life.

I also thought about all that was going on in the world around me. The Covid-19, which had been happening for a few months, and the demonstrations and the accompanying unrest, were super scary and made me unsure about the future of our my children and our wonderful nation. Those things were making my depression worse and I hadn ‘ t even noticed it.

It was amazing how freeing it was to identify all of the things that I had going on in my life. By doing so, I didn ‘ t feel ashamed of my depression, ashamed that I was weak and couldn ‘ t handle my life. Seeing all of the things that I had going on made me realize that my depression was merited.

And that made me motivated to deal with it.

#3 – Make a plan.

I believe that to get through anything you need to have a plan. Without a plan, you are going to approach things haphazardly and any success will be purely luck.

So, for me, I had to look at the things that were depressing me and figure out how to attack them.

As to my move – I made a list of what needed to be done. I made a plan to travel to see my kids regularly. I vowed to cut down the number of presentations that I was doing. I would try feeding my dog earlier in the evening so that she could do her business before I went to bed. And I wouldn ‘ t take my boyfriend ‘ s problems on myself – they were his problems, not mine.

And, to manage my depression around the outside world, I promised myself that I would not look at the news more than twice a day and to acknowledge that our country has gotten through worse and that it would survive, even if it took a while.

Making a plan for dealing with my depression helped calm me down pretty quick. Knowing that I had a plan gave me the freedom to take some deep breaths and get ready to deal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

One thing that I realized when I was taking inventory of what was making me depressed was that I had stopped taking care of myself. I was so depressed that I wasn ‘ t walking everyday like I usually did. I was traveling a lot so I wasn ‘ t eating well. My sleep was off and I was drinking more than usual.

A big part of being strong enough to deal with overwhelm is taking care of yourself. Keeping your body and mind healthy gives you the tools that you need for overcoming overwhelm for a life of success.

So, take care of yourself. What are the best things that you can do for yourself right now?

#5 – Ask for help.

We women believe that we can do it all by ourselves. That no one else can do it as well as we can and that if we ask for help we are admitting that we just can ‘ t do it ourselves.

Well, let me tell you that I know, from personal experience, that that just isn ‘ t true. We all needhelp and if we can ask for it then we can do anything.

For me, I knew that I really needed to get my arm taken care of because having an injured wing made everything much worse. So, I started seeing a rolfer, an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. These practitioners are not only helping me with my arm but they are helping me deal with all of the emotions that are causing the overwhelm.

I have also asked my boyfriend to help me manage things around the house and have hired a contractor to do what he can ‘ t. I am parceling out my presentations to people I have trained to do them, people who really can do as good a job as me. And I recently got some CBD oil to help me sleep.

When I sleep the world is just a better place.

I also started seeing my therapist again. She is a good person to talk to about how to manage my depression in the midst of my personal, and extended, issues. It ‘ s always helpful to have a listening ear when one is struggling.

So, ask for help if you need it. Don ‘ t go it alone. There are people out there who can and want to help you so go for it.

Being able to manage your depression in the midst of personal and public chaos can be difficult to do. There is so much going on and so much stress in our lives and the prospect of managing it all can seem impossible.

But it is possible!

Let yourself feel your emotions, identify what is overwhelming you, make a plan, take care of yourself and ask for help!

This is your life to live. Take the reins and live it well. You can do it!

5 Essential Boundaries That Can Help A Marriage Survive Infidelity

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Infidelity can rock even the most stable marriage. Fortunately, there are 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity.

To understand relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds the pieces of your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Establishing boundaries in your marriage when you are working through infidelity is an excellent way to help you get on with the healing and create a healthy, infidelity-proof, marriage.

So, what are the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity?

#1 – There can be no contact. None.

The number one essential boundary, the one without which any efforts to survive the infidelity will be ineffective, is that the cheater have no contact with the person with whom they were having an affair. This means no phone calls, no texting, no in-person contact and no following on social media. None.

Unless the cheater can break the tie that binds the two lovers together, there is no chance that the marriage can survive. The things that initially brought the two together are things that still exist and those things are strong and compelling. If the cheater is allowed to continue that attachment, it will leave no room for the married couple to get closer again.

So, set a boundary that the cheater will no longer be in contact with their lover and, if necessary, set up systems whereby the betrayed partner can be assured that, in fact, the contact is not happening.

If your partner won ‘ t agree to going no contact, I would encourage you to walk away and start living life on your own.

#2 – A promise of openness.

One of the most interesting things that I have discovered in my work with spouses who have been betrayed in their marriage is the fact that they are eager to know all of the details around the affair. How it started, where the lovers met, what was the sex like, why didn ‘ t it end. All of these things, partners are eager to know. And they are details that cheaters are loathe to share.

While I personally believe that having all of this information isn ‘ t necessarily going to help a couple in the healing process, many people can not move forward without the details. Unfortunately, many of the betrayers do not want to share the gory details with their spouses.

Many cheaters are filled with shame and remorse about what they did and the prospect of sharing the details with their spouses only reinforces that shame. Because of this, many cheaters refuse to get into details and, instead, shut down and/or get angry with their spouses. As you can imagine, this behavior does not aid in the healing process.

It is important that, if your spouse wants the details, that you be willing to share them. Doing so will allow your partner to stop running negative tapes in their head, ones that are perhaps false, and allow them to start moving forward. Furthermore, it will go a long way towards restoring trust because the partner will know that the cheater is willing to give them the information that they need.

#3 – No passive aggression.

Many people who have been cheated on are very angry. Deeply angry, betrayed and hurt. And, for many people, conveying that anger and hurt in a productive way is impossible. Instead, their anger comes out as passive aggression and that doesn ‘ t help anybody.

The definition of passive aggressive behavior ‘ ˜is a way to express feelings of anger or annoyance, but in a non-forthcoming way. Instead of communicating openly, people who engage in this type ofbehaviorshare their negative feelings through actions. ‘

What might passive aggression look like? Snide comments about the affair, unkind asides about the integrity of their partner, slamming doors, damaging property, being unkind and unsupportive etc.

Passive aggressive behaviors only serve to prolong the anger and slow the healing. Instead of practicing passive aggressive behaviors, I encourage spouses to speak their anger out loud. Of course, they can yell (which can be good as it releases pent up energy) but the best way to do so is to express your anger in a tempered way so that your partner truly understands how you feel.

#4 – Keep what happened private.

For a client of mine, after she confronted her husband about his cheating, he right away deleted the emails that she had discovered. Why did he do that? Because he was worried that his wife was going to share the emails with all of her friends so that they could analyze them together. He didn ‘ t want the embarrassment and wanted to keep it between them so he deleting the emails.

He was right – his wife would definitely have shared those email with her friends. And it wouldn ‘ t have helped anything.

For many women, the need to discuss what happened with a close friend or confident is compelling. I am not saying that they shouldn ‘ t do that but I do think that it ‘ s important that they do so with only one person and that the affair not be shared with the wider social group. Having people discuss a couple ‘ s private life, to get themselves involved where they shouldn ‘ t and perhaps breed a taking of sides, will only serve to magnify what happened and stop the healing from happening.

Instead of sharing the affair with people outside of the partnership, I would encourage people to consult professionals to process what has happened, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through the infidelity without an agenda, using learned skills to help you heal.

#5 – Agree to seek help.

The last of the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity is the agreement to seek help.

When there is infidelity, a couple trying to save their marriage is in uncharted waters. Because they have never been through this before they have no idea what to do and none of the necessary skills. It is important that they are willing to seek help to process what has happened and gain skills to work through it.

Often times, after infidelity, one partner is willing to get therapy but the other partner wants to work through it alone, or ignore it all together. ‘ Why can ‘ t we just move on? ‘ they say. But, if your partner isn ‘ t willing to agree to seek help then the chances of surviving infidelity, and truly find yourself back to each other as a couple, could be less than none.

So, as soon as you can, before bad habits set in, I would encourage couples to seek help. I believe that couples therapy is essential but that individual therapy is an excellent idea as well. The cheater will need to process what happened and their guilt around it. The partner will need to work through their feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. If they do their individual work, the more successful their work together will be.

Now that you know the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity you can start working together towards saving your marriage.

Couples must commit to working through the aftermath of an affair together. The knowledge and acceptance of certain skills and behaviors is the key to making it happen.

Agree that there will be no contact, that the betrayed partner can ask questions without being met with anger and silence, that there will be no passive aggression but meaningful expression of emotions, that what happened will remain private and that professional help will be sought.

Many, many couples can, and do, survive infidelity but to do so they must work together with the goal in mind of getting through this and establishing a healthier relationship.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be eager to fix your marriage after infidelity.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Why Won’t He Let Me Go?

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Are you in a relationship with a guy who you know isn ‘ t all in?

Does he tell you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but does he still want to spend time with you and have sex with you and hang out with your friends?

Does he tell you, and sometimes show you, that he really likes you but he just doesn ‘ t like you ‘ ˜like that? ‘

Do his actions leave you absolutely dumbfounded as to how he is feeling? Do you feel like you are a yo-yo, someone who is being constantly pushed away and then pulled back in? Are you starting to lose your mind, wondering why, if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship, does he stick around?

There are a number of reasons why a guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship. Here are a few of them.

#1 – Loneliness.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, one of the reasons that he won ‘ t let you go is that he is lonely.

Why would he choose to be alone if he knows that you are ready and available to hang out with him whenever he feels lonely? I mean, he likes hanging out with you, so why not?

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to have a relationship with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that might be left in your absence, he keeps you around so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably are willing to stay because you don ‘ t enjoy being alone either.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he isn ‘ t all in, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – Insecurity.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. He keeps hanging around, hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move in that direction.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you around without a commitment could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date is daunting and, as a result, he stays, knowing that you are into him and that will make him feel better about himself. At your expense.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why isn ‘ t willing to let you go.

#3 – Sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go, he could very well be doing so just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘ This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might still want her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy stays around, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – Habit.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about relationships is the habits that they create.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

If your guy tells you he wants to spend time with you but doesn ‘ t want a relationship it ‘ s often because of habits that you have developed together, doing things together that you both enjoy.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go. As a result, he won ‘ t let you go, which only leaves you confused and upset.

#5 – Options.

For many guys who say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship but aren ‘ t willing to let you go, they do so so that they can keep their options open.

Yes, they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you but they like hanging out with you well enough so they continue to do so. But, by telling you they aren ‘ t interested in a relationship, they can keep their options in case someone else comes along.

Imagine if your guy meets someone else and you find out. When you call him on it he says ‘ ˜but we aren ‘ t in a relationship. ‘ And, this being true, in fact this being declared, will allow him to move on with absolutely no guilt. If you aren ‘ t in a relationship then he believes that he has done nothing wrong and push you away.

And, while this is technically true, hopeful you will be left devastated!

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you move on, your life can quickly become harder than it would be if he would just disappear altogether.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look why your guy might be hanging around. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit or he because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he is using you as a place filler until he finds someone better.

Ultimately, if your guy says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, believe him. Guys who want to be in a relationship will pursue you until they win you or they will walk away. Guys who are existing in this grey area between relationship and friendship are guys who will never commit to you.

It ‘ s up to you to walk away and look for someone who will recognize how amazing you are and embrace a relationship with you as the best thing that could ever happen to him.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really really confused about your relationship.

Let me help you, NOW, before you get really hurt.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong When You Are Depressed

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Can it be challenging to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?

Absolutely yes!

I know because I have been there…

I have struggled with depression for my whole life. 55 years. For a long time, I didn ‘ t have a name for why I always felt so hopeless and full of despair. I just lived with it.

And then I got married. And he had to live with it too. It was not fun. And we ended up divorcing.

Fortunately, since then I have learned a few things because now I have a new boyfriend and I don ‘ t want to history to repeat itself.

Keeping your relationship strong when you are depressedcan be very difficult but I am here to tell you that relationships don ‘ t have to self-destruct because of it.

What can you do?

#1 – Pay attention.

Those of us wholive with depression can usually tell when it hits. Simple tasks that just the day before were easy to do become difficult. Sleep is elusive. We are short tempered and crabby. Each of us manifests depression differently but usually we know when we are experiencing it.

Keeping in touch with your depression and sharing its presence with your partner is very important. Don ‘ t just expect your partner to guess that you are depressed. They might not recognize the signs and might not respond to your new mood and that could lead to some big problems between the two of you.

Before my diagnoses, I didn ‘ t tell my husband when I felt depressed because I often didn ‘ t recognize it. I was just crabby and mean and not fun to be around. And I expected him to fight through all of that and make an effort to make me feel better. Of course, he couldn ‘ t. He thought I was just being mean and crabby and he wanted nothing to do with me. If only I had told him what was going on, if I had recognized what was going on, perhaps he would have had some sympathy and given me what I needed.

So, when depression hits, be clear about it. You and your partner have a bit of a battle ahead. Together.

#2 – Communicate.

Even the most sympathetic of partners doesn ‘ t really understand what depression is like unless they suffer from it themselves. Because of this, it ‘ s important to try to teach them what depression looks like for you.

When we first talked about my depression, my message for my new boyfriend was 1) you haven ‘ t caused this and 2) you can ‘ t fix it and 3) I can ‘ t just suck it up and feel better. For me, it was essential that he knew these three things to be true.

Next, I explained to him what my depression looked like. That when I was depressed I felt like I had a gorilla on my back. Moving around, getting things done, communicating effectively, all required such a herculean effort that I could barely manage. When I was depressed I was exhausted, easily angered, prone to long bouts of crying. Going to work, seeing his family, taking care of myself, all filled me with such an overwhelming sense of dread that I couldn ‘ t bear it.

So, when you ARE NOT depressed, take some time and share your experience with your partner. The better understanding they have of your depression the more likely you can keep your relationship strong when you are depressed.

#3 – Plan ahead.

A key part of dealing with depression for me, and for my boyfriend, is that I was able to, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I needed when I was depressed. I knew from experience what I needed to get through my depression. Sharing it with my partner was key.

For me, when I get depressed I need four things: to get outside, to sleep, Pad Thai and sex. I knew that those things would not cure my depression but that they made living with it easier.

So, when I WAS NOT depressed, my boyfriend and I made a plan for what to do when I was. We would let me sleep in, go for a hike, get Pad Thai, have sex and send me back to sleep. We would do that, or some variation of that, to stay connected while I was depressed and help me get through it.

What we also agreed was that he wouldn ‘ t try to fix it. Many people want to fix things. You can ‘ t fix depression. Accepting that was a great way for my boyfriend to manage when I was depressed because he wasn ‘ t constantly frustrated, searching for ways to help me.

#4 – Support your partner.

So, you have talked to your partner about your depression and made a plan for what you need when you are in it. Both of those things are great. Proactive. Good for you.

Sometimes, however, those things just don ‘ t work and you are both miserable. You are short tempered and difficult and not fun to be with.

At times like that, let your partner go. Let them go about their day, guilt free. The last thing in the world you want to do is tether someone you love to your depression.

Encourage your partner to go do something they love instead of hang around being miserable with you. If you let them do this they will come home refreshed and better able to support you. And they might even bring you some Pad Thai.

#5 – Agree to get help.

One of the hardest things for someone who loves someone with depression is their sense of helplessness. They know that there is nothing that they can do to help their partner get out of this dark place. And that sense of helplessness can tear relationships apart.

What can you do? You can agree to seek help dealing with your depression. That help can be what you want it to be: medication, yoga, therapy. Whatever works for you.

It is important, to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed, to know that the depression isn ‘ t something that will be ignored but that needs to be addressed head on. That it is something that you can both learn to deal with and take on together. As a couple.

Get some help. Both for you and for the one you love.

It can be extremely difficult to keep a relationship strong when you are depressed.

Depression can have a devastating effect on relationships. It doesn ‘ t have to be a death knell, however. Somerelationships can actually thrive when couples tackle depression together.

Share with your partner what your depression looks like, allow them to fully understand it and share with you the tools you have in place to manage it. Give them the freedom to escape from it for a bit if necessary. But be in it together.

Because if together you can manage depression then there is nothing else that you can ‘ t take on. Together.

You can do this!

Do you want to keep your relationship strong when you are depressed?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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