Tag Archive for: sex

THIS Is What Healthy Relationships Are Based On (And 5 Reasons Why)

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Are you wondering what healthy relationships are based on?

It ‘ s a very important question because how can you have a healthy relationship if you don ‘ t know what makes a good one?

So what is the answer? Are healthy relationships based sex? Or money? Or quality time? Or paying attention?

All of those things are important in healthy relationships but the most important part of a healthy relationship? COMMUNICATION.

Ok, so now that that ‘ s out there, do you wonder why communication is what healthy relationships are based on?

Let me tell you!

#1 – Good communication means honesty.

How can any relationship, be it romantic, work or familial, be healthy without honesty?

It is essential that in our lives we are honest with each other about how we are feeling, what we are thinking and seeing and experiencing.

Hiding our truths from others opens us up for relationship failure.

I have a client who doesn ‘ t trust her husband. A long time ago he cheated on her and, while she has forgiven him, she still doesn ‘ t trust him. She worries every day that she can ‘ t trust anything that he says. She worries that someday she will wake up and find that her life is a lie.

I asked my client why she couldn ‘ t tell her husband what she told me. She said that she just didn ‘ t feel safe doing so. And because she can ‘ t be honest with him she lives in this constant state of distrust and anger with her husband.

So be honest with your partner. Get your feelings out there so they can be heard and dealt with.

#2 – Good communication means trust.

If we are able to communicate with people we are in a relationship with, to tell them what our truths are, how we are feeling, what we want and need, then our partners can trust us.

If your partner knows that he can count on you to tell him when you are upset, to tell him when you need him to hold you close or leave you alone, to tell you what you want for your birthday, then your partner will trust in you. And you can trust in him.

Trust is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship.

Imagine if my client, who did not divorce her husband after the affair, had been able to tell her husband whenever she felt that distrust for him. If she had told him each time it occurred they could have talked it through.

Perhaps he could have learned what he needed to do to allow his wife to feel trust and perhaps she might have heard that her distrust was unfounded and that she need not fear.

Instead, they live in a parallel universe where she doesn ‘ t feel safe telling him how she feels and he has no freaking idea what to do so he just keeps his head down and works.

#3 – Good communication means things won ‘ t be put away to fester.

So tell me what happens when your husband does something to upset you and you don ‘ t tell him about it.

Perhaps he had promised you that he would choose the new doors for the house project this weekend. And then he didn ‘ t.

And what did you do? Did you make some passive aggressive remark about whatever it was that he did instead of choosing the doors and storm out of the kitchen?

Was that last year and do you still think about it?

Imagine if instead you had been able to explain to your husband how angry you were that he didn ‘ t get the doors. That you had been counting on having the doors so that you could choose the trim color the next day.

Perhaps you could have listened to his reason for not choosing the doors and perhaps you might have understood the reason and let it go. Or perhaps you could have hated the reason and expressed your anger about that.

Either way, you would have shared your emotions with your partner instead of stuffing them down deep where they festered.

#4 – Good communication means things can change and evolve.

When there is no communication between partners things can ‘ t ever change.

If you and your partner can ‘ t be honest each other with how you are feeling or how things are going or how things need to be done differently then you will forever be in place of stasis. A place where nothing changes.

Imagine if, in the situation above, my client had been able to express her emotions about the fact that her partner didn ‘ t get the doors. Her husband might have been put off by her anger and frustration in the moment but chances are he would have heard how his actions made her feel and he might have tried to not do it again.

On the other hand, because he didn ‘ t know how she felt, because she wasn ‘ t clear with him, he was doomed to repeat the events of the day over and over.

#5 – Good communication means a great sex life.

Here is where good communication skills really become a plus.

Sex is fun and a really important part of a healthy relationship.

If you and you are partner are able to communicate with each other about your sex life because you both feel safe that you can trust each other and be honest with each other, then your sex life will only get better.

And communicating about our sex lives has two sides: it ‘ s important that you share what is good AND what is not so good.

For example, if there is something that your husband does that you really, really like, TELL HIM. And, if there is something that he could do differently, TELL HIM.

Many of us think that we shouldn ‘ t talk about our sex lives because we will make the other person uncomfortable or feel bad.

But let me ask you this: would your partner feel worse if you told him to do something a little bit more to the left or if you refused to have sex with him anymore? I am guessing the first.

So communicate with your partner about what works and what doesn ‘ t work.

I promise you it will only make your relationship stronger.

Communication is what healthy relationships are based on.

Being able to share with your partner how you are feeling, what you need, what you are seeking to understand and what is making you scared is essential to maintaining trust, preventing fester and promoting evolution.

Being honest can at times be scary, especially if it involves hurt feelings or anger, but without it, and the good communication skills that are a part of it, your relationship will flounder.

And you don ‘ t want it to flounder. You want a healthy relationship.

So SPEAK UP! You will be glad you did.

 

5 Tips For Finding Your Motivation When Feeling Depressed

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Do you have trouble finding motivation when feeling depressed?

If the answer is YES, rest assured that you are not alone. Those of us who get depressed really struggle with being productive when we are feeling blue.

Even worse, not being motivated to do anything when we feel down can only make the depression worse.

Luckily there are ways to find motivation when feeling depressed.

#1 – Get out of bed

This might seem fairly obvious but, for many people, the act of simply getting out of bed when they are depressed is impossible.

The inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, GET OUT OF IT!

People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed when they are depressed.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattress with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed when they are depressed.

Because, out of bed, it is WAY easier to get motivated.

#2 – Exercise

The best way to find motivation, whether you are depressed or not, is to get out of the house and exercise.

The act of exercising produces endorphins which will not only lighten your mood but will give you the energy that you need to get off your butt and get some stuff done.

If you add the outdoors to the mix, by taking a walk or riding a bike, you will only compound the positive effects of the exercise. There is nothing like some fresh air and sunshine to give you the energy to take on the world.

Have you ever felt like you could take on the world after a good brisk walk in the park? Can ‘ t you remember that feeling like it was yesterday?

Do it NOW!

#3 – Spend time with people who make you laugh.

When we are depressed we tend to isolate ourselves. The prospect of getting out of bed and actually interacting with people is too much for us to bear.

This is just exactly the opposite of what we should be doing.

Picture this. You can spend the rest of the day in bed, covers pulled up over your ears, mulling about how horrible the world is and how you are never going to do anything ever again. OR you can invite some friends over and laze around on the couch, laughing about whatever it is that you laugh about with them.

Which one feels better? Which one might lead to you leaving the house and going to a movie?

You tell me.

#4 – Have sex.

When people are depressed they often have absolutely no interest in having sex of any kind. But let me tell you: you should try it!

Having sex when you are depressed produces, like exercise, endorphins that make you feel better and give you more energy.

Even better, having an orgasm gives you a shot of dopamine, the effects of which can last between 5-7 hours. Imagine what you can get done in 5-7 hours.

And best of all, spending some time naked with another person is way better than lying in bed by yourself because being closely connected with someone makes you feel GREAT and if you feel great, even for just a bit, you are more likely to get out into the world.

#5 – Do one small thing.

When we are depressed the idea of getting anything done at all is completely overwhelming. And so what do we do? Nothing. And then how do we feel? Worse.

I am suggesting that, once you get out of bed and get some exercise, you considering doing just one thing. Anything. Because doing just one thing can often lead to doing another.

Choose something that you really like to do. When I am depressed, I love to go through my inbox and throw shit away. Getting organized feels good. What I hate to do when I am depressed is make phone calls. Talking to people on the phone in that state of mind is not a good idea.

So choose one thing that you like to do, in or out of the house. And do it.

Go make coffee. Take the dog for a walk. Make your bed. Even if it doesn ‘ t lead to doing another thing at least you got one thing done!

Finding your motivation when feeling depressed is very difficult. But it is an important thing to try to do.

When we are depressed the world goes on without us. We stay at home, isolated, in pain and feeling hopeless. And while finding motivation might not fix our depression, it certainly will help us to manage it and not let it get the best of us.

So get out of your bed (unless you are having sex in it), get some exercise, spend time with friends and get one thing done.

Reconnect with the world. You will be glad that you did.

5 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Relationship With Your Husband and Keep the Romance Alive

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The wedding is over, the rice has been thrown and now the question is How do you maintain a healthy relationship with your husband?

It ‘ s a very good question and a very important one. One that many newlyweds don ‘ t ask and should.

Marriage is wonderful but it lasts a long time and that time isn ‘ t always, or even often, easy. So thinking ahead about how to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband is very important.

So how DO you maintain that relationship?

#1 – Create a good foundation.

A good foundation is important for every structure and a marriage especially.

The habits that you develop as newlyweds will carry you forth throughout your marriage. In fact, if there are things that you are hoping will change once you are married, forget it. We only become more of who we are the older we get.

What are important pieces of a good foundation?

On the most basic level, trust is essential for every marriage. If you can not trust your partner to be honest with you, to be there when you need them, to know that they will always look out for your best interests, then you may as well be alone. Because if you can ‘ t trust your partner, who can you trust?

Another key piece of a good marriage foundation is mutual respect. It is impossible for two people to work well together if they don ‘ t respect the other person. If they don ‘ t respect their morals, their values and their work ethic. So make sure, early on, that you respect your partner and that he respects you back.

A third piece is knowing that you both recognize that you are a now a pair, that by getting married you have formed a new family.

Both of you come from individual families but now you are creating a new one. And that new one needs to be the priority. Sure, either mother-in-law might like things to be a certain way, but it ‘ s important that you both realize that your new family is the priority and that it is clear to others.

So set a good foundation for your marriage. It will be important that you do so going forward.

#2 – Be aware that kids are going to change everything.

Getting married is often followed by having children and I often wonder, if people really knew what having children was like, would they reconsider?

There is nothing harder on marriage then the arrival of a child. Suddenly the woman ‘ s priorities are totally redirected, away from the man who has been her life for years and towards this little helpless creature who she is biologically hard-wired to protect.

Right after my daughter was born my mother made us two sheet pans of lasagna. We froze them for when she went back to Virginia. I remember my husband coming home from work one day and, upon learning that we were having lasagna AGAIN, he stalked out of the room. I seriously thought I would never be able to cook and take care of a baby so I burst into tears.

And of course, as children grow, their demands on the family become greater and by their teen years their parents are exhausted and often estranged from each other. They live in the same house but that ‘ s it. The couple is gone.

It is essential that parents take time to spend time with each other during the chaos of raising children. Do fun things together, talk about subjects outside of the family, laugh a lot. If you don ‘ t you will completely lose who you are as a couple and be only Mom and Dad.

So don ‘ t forget your husband in the fray of raising your amazing children. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Treat each other with respect.

Nothing is worse in a marriage than when respect is gone. When respect is gone it is replaced by contempt and no relationship can survive when there is contempt.

If you spend time with any couple who has been married awhile you will know what I mean. One person ‘ s habits have become too much for the other person and it is very clear.

My ex-husband used to often come home late from work. At first I begged him to be home in time for dinner. He tried but most often failed. I got increasing frustrated and starting losing respect for him. I eventually stopped asking him and eventually started telling him that he was rendering himself irrelevant. That we didn ‘ t need him home for dinner anyway.

How great did that make him feel? He is my ex-husband, you notice.

#4 – Make sure your sex life is working.

Sex is an essential piece of any healthy relationship. It is important that every couple maintain a certain amount of intimacy to keep connected.

What is very important about married people sex is that it works for both people in the relationship. If he wants to have sex 5 days a week and she doesn ‘ t want to have sex more than once, then a compromise must be made so that you can both be satisfied.

If she has sex with him more than she might like he will be satisfied but she will not be because she will be resentful about what she feels forced to do. If they only have sex once he might get resentful that that is all he gets.

So have a discussion with your spouse. Make sure that both of you are happy with the amount and quality of the sex you share.

It could be the glue that holds you together.

#5 – Talk about money.

This is the holy grail of taboo subjects in a marriage and one of the top reasons that marriages fall apart. Many people can not talk about their finances without it descending into chaos.

Money is a difficult topic, whether there is too much or too little, and couples can rarely talk about it without fighting. How much a salary is, how much it costs to run a family and keep a house, spending money on self care, putting money away for savings. All are difficult topics and allocation for each of those areas is up for discussion at any given time.

The happiest couples I know are ones who have the tough talk regularly. Is the way the money being spent working for everyone? If not, what can be done to change that?

The key is working together, as a couple, to make the finances work for the whole family.

Try it. The conversation might be difficult but it could save your marriage.

So there are the 5 essential ways to maintain a healthy relationship with your husband.

I can not repeat enough how important it is to spend time early in your relationship setting a good foundation as a couple.

Learn how to talk about difficult things, like money and sex. Put yourselves first over your extended families. Make spending time together a priority. And never stop laughing.

Marriage can be wonderful. Do your best to keep it that way.

Do you want to maintain a healthyrelationshipwith your husband?

Let me help, NOW, and get that passion back quickly!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

6 SHOCKING Things Men Want From Women, As Told When I Asked

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Recently I asked a number of male friends what things men want from women, other than tons of sex. Without exception, they precluded their responses with If the answer can ‘ t be about sex then I want ‘ ¦.

Their answers surprised me so I am sharing them with you.

#1 – No sex is okay.

Interestingly, while lots of sex was theme for all of the guys, the option of NO sex was important as well.

Men love to have sex but they also want to feel confident that they can tell their partner that they can ‘ t or don ‘ t want to have sex and that it will be okay.

While to us women that might seem like not a big deal, to many men it is because so much of their identity is tied up in their sexuality.

So accept that sometimes your man can just say NO. Perhaps he will rub your feet instead ‘ ¦

#2 – Cease the Mission Creep.

Mission Creep? This is a term that I had never heard of before but all of my guys knew exactly what it was when I asked them.

The definition of Mission Creep: a gradual shift in objectives during the course of a military campaign, often resulting in an unplanned long-term commitment.

As applied to relationships, mission creep points to the shift that happens over time where a man is obliged to do whatever his woman wants. Dinner with her parents instead of a night out with the guys. Hanging out with her friends instead of his because she thinks they are bozos. No more martinis because they make him act stupid.

Rules. Rules that didn ‘ t exist at the start of the relationship but crept in slowly.

The solution, as suggested by a man: 1. Manage the mission creep so that you are both happy with how things are going. 2. Give your man one weekend a month where he can do anything he wants (mostly).

Be honest with yourself. Is there mission creep in your relationship? If so, make a plan to change!

#3 – Remind him that he is special.

Our lives are chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting. At the end of the day who wants to put out any more energy than is necessary?

But think about it. Think about how amazing it would feel for your partner to bring you flowers or plan a night out or tell you that you are beautiful. Pretty amazing, right?

So do the same for your partner. One guy’s idea: Plan a weekend away. Arrange and pay for the room. Schedule something that I would want to do with you. Make it special for him.

Another guy said: Ask if I would like a beer. Or if I would like to sit and watch a movie with them. Or make me something to eat. Something that shows they are tuned into the smaller things in life that make me happy.

You get the idea. Run with it!

Want to talk more about men and relationships? Let’s do it!

#4 – Let him be friends with girls.

This one is straightforward. Your guy had girl friends before you met him. They were his friends and he never slept with them or wanted a romantic relationship with them because they were his FRIENDS.

Why, if he is in a happy, committed relationship with you, would he want anything more from them now?

So trust him. Let him be friends with girls. You like being friends with girls because they are fun and willing to go deep and be thoughtful. Let him have girl friends who he can be himself with, where he has nothing to prove.

#5 – Think before you react.

One of my guys, one who I thought was not the kind of guy to do what he suggested, said the following:

Take a minute or two of contemplation to respond to a comment that might strike them as negative and discuss their feelings rather than jump to conclusions which get internalized.

This makes sense. And it ‘ s incredibly difficult. To try to pause before you react, to understand where his statement is coming from so you can respond in a way that is productive and respectful.

Good advice. I was obviously wrong about this guy.

He finished the text with: then agree to get laid like the world is ending.

#6 – Walk around naked, dammit.

This guy’s response was so perfect that I am going to let him say it.

It ‘ s that simple. Walk around naked. And if it feels better to walk around in your underpants or underwear, then okay, a little mystery is good too.

Need the garden edged? Prune the apple trees? Just call me when you’re wearing little-to-nothing.

We like your dimples, your rumples and, no matter what you might think, we find all of you sexy.

Okay…so that’s pretty simple. Get naked. Just as simple as taking off a few clothes when you do chores or hang out on the porch in your bikini. Yeah, that polka dot one….we LOVE it.

And it ‘ s really not about sex. We just love you naked. You know that old joke: How to please a woman? A very long list follows. Flowers, dinner reservations, pay attention, listen, etc….How to please a man: show up naked, bring beer.

Enough said.

We all, men and women both, love being in a relationship. And we women usually know exactly what we want and our men do their best to provide those things for us.

But, so things don ‘ t get lopsided, it ‘ s important that we women know the things that men want from women.

So pay attention. Listen to what your guys wants and do it! See what happens.

I am guessing you will be happy you did….

Do youwantto know more about men and what they want in relationships?
Let me help you before not knowing damages your relationship!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Questions to Ask Yourself If You are Unhappy

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Being unhappy is horrible. It can take over your life and suck all that is good and joyful out of it. None of us want to be unhappy but many of us are.

One thing many of us don ‘ t ask ourselves is why we are unhappy. We have a vague understanding that our lives are not what we hoped they would be but we don ‘ t know specifically why.

In an effort to help you identify what specifically is making you unhappy I have five questions for you. Answer them in terms of your own life and you will get the answers you are looking for.

#1 – Are you proud of the choices you are making?

All of us having internal guiding principles that are important to us, things like the importance of trust or honesty or loyalty. These guiding principles light our path to living our best life but unfortunately they can get lost as life happens.

Do you know what your guiding principles are and are your living them?

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. He made her deliriously happy, or so she told herself. But still she didn ‘ t feel good about her life and she didn ‘ t know why.

I asked her what her guiding principles were – what was most important to her in a relationship?

After some thought and discussion she realized that the truth was of paramount importance to her. And that nothing about her relationship with the married man was based on truth.

‘ Are you able to live with that? ‘ I asked. ‘ And be happy? ‘

The answer was no and she soon moved on. On into a relationship that was based on truth and trust and she is happy.

#2 – Is your relationship making your heart sing?

Our romantic relationships are very important, more important than many of us recognize.

In this modern world we are told that we should be able to take care of ourselves and that to rely on another to bring us some happiness is a sign of weakness.

But this just simply is not true.

Happy committed relationships provide much that is essential to human survival: commitment, communication, touch, sharing, sex, support, laughter, joy, sex. When we have those things our lives are fuller, we are satisfied, we are loved. Other things can bring us down but the foundation of a good relationship helps us when we founder.

Being in a relationship isn ‘ t necessary for happiness but being in a relationship that is toxic puts you on the surest path to being unhappy.

I have a client whose husband was always one of two things: absent or drunk. She wasn ‘ t sure which was worse – his not being in the house or being drunk when he was. What she did know was that it was making her miserable. She was always hoping that things would change but they never did. She was alone in her marriage.

And the rest of her life? It foundered. Her parenting suffered, she stopped eating well and exercising and gained 20 pounds, her work was neglected and her crabbiness made her friends stay away.

What did she do? After much deliberation and overcoming lots of fear, she asked him to stay absent and she is fighting her way back to herself, on the path to living the life of her dreams.

#3 – Do you make a difference in the world?

I know you are going to say that you just don ‘ t have time to volunteer. How could I possibly ask you to do that?

I am not going to ask you to do that. Although if it appeals you should try it. Volunteering makes the world go round.

What I mean by making a difference is asking you how you interact with others in the world. Did you smile at the checkout person at the grocery store? Do you hold doors for other people? Do you refrain from giving the man who cut you off in his BMW the finger? Do you pick up trash that you see in the street?

All of these things contribute to the world in a small way and doing them will make your life a better place as well. The act of smiling at someone will actually make you and the person you smiled at happier. Holding doors for people makes them feel noticed and you made it happen. Not giving someone the finger will allow you not to feel the pain of remorse in the middle of the night. And picking up that trash will literally make the world a more beautiful place.

So make a difference in the world every day. It will make you happier. I promise.

Want some help being happy? Let me help!

#4 – Do you feel healthy and strong?

You know when you go out on a long dock and it ‘ s old and creaky and with each step you wonder if you are going to end up in the water? If you aren ‘ t healthy and strong, like a good dock, you could find yourself drowning before you know it.

Taking care of yourself is the key to a foundation from which happiness can grow. Eat well, but don ‘ t deprive yourself. Exercise, but only so it makes you feel good. Do one thing that makes you happy every day, like a massage or lunch with a friend. Find a life coach, to get the support that you need.

If you feel healthy and strong you will be able to take on whatever life throws at you.

Wouldn ‘ t that feel great?

#5 – Do you challenge yourself?

I know that I have my routines. I get up, walk my dog, do some yoga, work all day, walk my dog again, do errands, have dinner, take a bath and go to bed. Pretty much every day.

As a life coach I know that while routines are good for keeping us on track it is essential to challenge ourselves. Challenging yourself will keep your brain going strong, keep you physically confident and get that adrenaline rushing.

What do I mean by being challenged? It can be anything.

When I got divorced I promised myself that I would start doing all of the things that scared me. I learned how to ride a jet ski (which was awesome), I conquered my fear of driving in the snow (which was convenient), I took up crossword puzzles (which has made me way smarter) and I can now use power tools. Except for a drill.

It ‘ s so hard to imagine now not being able to do those things. Doing them has given me so much more confidence in myself – not only that I can do them but that I challenged myself to overcome my fears and prevailed.

And did I mention that I was way smarter? That makes me happy.

Unhappiness to so many of us is the status quo. We assume that this is the way life is and we must push through it. But it doesn ‘ t have to be this way. Happiness IS possible.

Are you making choices that are feeling good? Are you feeling loved and supported in your relationship? Did you make someone smile today? Is your foundation strong? Did you do something recently that got your adrenaline pumping?

If not, choose one and make it happen.

Happiness is yours for the taking. Today.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with not being happy.
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

10 Things to Know About Loving Someone with ADD

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Loving someone with ADD can be very challenging but also totally worth it.

A few months back I had to break up with someone who I loved very much because he was making me unhappy. I have spent a lot of time since then, very angry and hurt because I felt like he didn ‘ t even try.

And then this week I was doing some research on ADD for a client, and it hit me – my man could very well have ADD! The behaviours that resulted from the condition made staying with him very difficult for me. And I am sure those same behaviours make living life very difficult for him. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t try but that he couldn’t try.

I have learned that many people are unaware of the devastating impact ADD can have on relationships. I want to share with you what I have learned.

#1 – They can ‘ t JUST DO IT.

For those of us who don ‘ t have ADD, we can usually get something done when we buckle down, determined to do it. People with ADD just can ‘ t do that. They can, and do, try but often a bright shiny object distracts them and the task at hand evaporates.

#2 – They might have an itch to scratch.

People with ADD can be constantly living on the edge, looking for the next thing that will make them feel something. This could mean doing drugs or having lots of sex or jumping out of aeroplanes. Whatever it takes for them to feel like they are alive and in control.

#3 – Their self-esteem could be at rock bottom.

Because of a lifetime spent struggling to do the most basic tasks and the derision that often comes from other people when they feel let down, people with ADD struggle with a chronic lack of self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem can cause intense depression and actually lead to increased cognitive deficiencies.

Also, their lack of self-esteem will make it difficult for them to accept your love and support because they just won ‘ t believe they deserve it.

#4 – They might not be able to listen…

…or remember or keep promises and could always interrupt you.

The minds of people with ADD go a mile a minute. Much faster than many of us who don ‘ t struggle with ADD, because of this, we are easily distracted by the next thing, as opposed to what is in the now. As a result, they might not remember what is said to them. They want to, but they can ‘ t.

People with ADD also can forget to read texts, might not check their emails and could immediately forget when you ask them to pick up a loaf of bread on their way home.

People with ADD don ‘ t mean to do this, but they do.

#5 – The division of labor might be wildly uneven.

People with ADD struggle to complete even the most basic tasks. As a result, the non-ADD person will be left doing a significant portion of things that need to be done. This can lead to frustration and resentment on the part of the non-ADD person and feelings of shame from the person struggling.

Furthermore, what can often develop is a parent/child dynamic in the relationship where the non ADD person becomes like a parent to the ADDer. This is not a good dynamic for two people in a romantic relationship for many reasons.

#6- They might not be able to make you a priority.

For people with ADD, there are two kinds of time. NOW and NOT NOW. Because of this, they live completely in the moment. The concept of moments down the road means nothing to them.

As a result, it ‘ s very hard for them to prioritize ANYTHING, much less their partner.

#7 – They could struggle to be successful at work.

Because they have a hard time completing tasks and staying focused, people with ADD could always struggle at work. To be successful at work people with ADD need two things: a boss who understands them and an excellent support staff. Without these things, success will be very hard to attain. Not impossible, but very difficult. This will lead to additional self-esteem issues.

#8 – Finances might be a challenge.

People with ADD are often financially challenged for a number of reasons.

The first is that having the focus to keep track of their expenditures will take a tremendous amount of discipline that they might not have.

Secondly, some people with ADD love to spend money. People with ADD are often in search of the next high, the next thing that will scratch their itch. And spending money is an excellent way to achieve that goal.

#9 – Intimacy can be an issue.

People with ADD, particularly men, can struggle with intimacy.

The reasons are varied.

Part of it is that they often just can ‘ t stay focused while making love. They far more enjoy doing something structured and rewarding like working or being on their phones or playing golf.

Another is that the person with ADD has that itch they want to scratch, and multiple sex partners is a way to do it. Once they have caught you, they could move on to the next person.

Furthermore, people with ADD are time challenged. They don ‘ t know how to fit sex, or other tasks, into their crazy busy, out-of-control schedules.

And, finally, the aforementioned parent/child dynamic. This, obviously, does not lend itself to a healthy sex life.

#10 – They might struggle with addiction.

People with ADD might struggle with addiction for a number of reasons.

The biggest one is that they spend every day of their lives struggling to keep their heads above water. This is exhausting and overwhelming. And using drugs or alcohol to escape from those feelings is very effective.

Furthermore, stimulants like cocaine and sugar are widely abused by people with ADD because they become way more focused when using them. Stimulants bring them to the place they always wanted to be – focused, full of bravado, successful at whatever they try and attractive to the opposite sex. Pretty compelling stuff.

Interestingly, people with ADD can also get addicted to things that are good for them – like exercise. They can overdo something that makes them feel more focused and helps build their self-esteem.

Loving someone with ADD can be very challenging. To do so successfully requires a tremendous amount of patience and understanding and the development of life skills by both parties. It ‘ s hard work. It can be done, but it ‘ s not for the faint of heart.

And it ‘ s okay if you don ‘ t feel like you can do that hard work or that you might not be able to accept that your mate will never be able to do some of the things that are important to you, like being intimate or hearing you.

The most important thing for someone with ADD is to be in a relationship with someone who loves them and supports them despite their challenges. Suppose you can be that person, great. If that ‘ s not you, it ‘ s okay to walk away and let them find someone who can.

If you have made it this far you must really love someone with ADD.

Let me help you learn how to cope, NOW, before the ADD harms your relationship.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

 

What You MUST Know about Love That Most Women Learn WAY Too Late

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Have you met the person of your dreams? Is this the one? If so, are you wondering what you must know about love so that you don’t make any mistakes?

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that someday our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it doesn ‘ t always work out that way.

People are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a way that doesn ‘ t serve us. This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth. And often we don ‘ t notice until a relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Let me tell you some things to know about relationships that are the key to having a successful one.

#1 – Having sex with him won ‘ t make him love you.

There isn ‘ t a single woman I know who hasn ‘ t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn ‘ t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, women believe that if she has sex with a man not only will she be giving him what he wants but she will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

The best reason to have sex with a guy is because you want to. Beyond that there are no guarantees.

#2 – If he isn ‘ t communicating with you he isn ‘ t interested.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

Something that you must know about love is that a guy who isn ‘ t communicating with you he isn ‘ t interested. Period. You can tell yourself that he is busy, or that he is out of range or that he is sleeping but if he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he isn ‘ t interested.

Guys are hunters. It ‘ s in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don ‘ t, they won ‘ t.

Also, those guys who disappearand then reappear, they are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone. Don ‘ t let them fool you or suck you back in.

Move on!

#3 – If you get clingy he will pull away. For good.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is get clingywith her man.

We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are feelings that exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with clinginess you will drive your man away.

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Be secure in his feelings for you. If you can ‘ t then you need to address it head on, in a measured, temperate way. Not by getting clingy.

If you get clingy your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn ‘ t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

Want to know more things that you must know about love? Me too! Let’s talk…

#4 – If YOUdon ‘ t love you, then HEwon ‘ t either.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don ‘ t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can ‘ t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone you deserve.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren ‘ t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – If you break up with him you will be JUST FINE.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples and being single just isn ‘ t acceptable.

I am here to tell you, as someone who has spent almost four years alone, that being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program that you don ‘ t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don ‘ t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don ‘ t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn ‘ t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

When you are with someone who doesn ‘ t love, cherish and respect you then your life is full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else ‘ s whims. This will cause you pain every day.

Wouldn ‘ t it just be better to be alone, watching Orange is the New Black and having a glass of wine?

We all make mistakes in the search for love. We want it so badly that we are willing to do anything, to compromise everything, to have it. And we tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.

One of the things that you must know about love is that never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don ‘ t compromise your self-worth, don ‘ t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

If you have read this far you must be wondering how to find and keep the love that you so desire!

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can find him and live happily ever after.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started.

5 Top Secrets That the Happiest Couples Already Know

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Do you know those friends of yours who always look so happy together? The ones who you know not only look happy but who are happy? Together. Don ‘ t you sometimes just hate them? Don’t you wonder about the top secrets that the happiest couples already know?

What do they know that you don ‘ t know? That is always the question whispered among those who wish they, too, could be so happy.

Here are the answers.

#1 – Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex.

So, let ‘ s just start with the obvious one.

Every happily married couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other ‘ s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.

I have a client whose husband wants to have sex EVERY night, and while she really likes having sex with him, every night just doesn ‘ t work for her. She used to just rebuff his advances, which made him feel bad, but on my advice, she talked to him about it. She explained how she felt; they agreed that she would be the instigator and that she would instigate often. That worked for both of them, and they were happy.

So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.

Sounds fun, right?

#2 – Equitable division of labor.

I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What is the differentiating factor that exists between the two?Equality in the execution of chores.

My 15-year-old daughter did a survey for school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group? She discovered that those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.

Why? Because chores are a HUGE bone of contention for many couples. HUGE.

What usually happens is that the person ‘ in charge ‘ delegates the chores to their spouse. The ‘ in charge ‘ person has expectations about the execution of the chore, and if it ‘ s not done within the expected time or in the expected way, tensions flair. The delegator takes it personally and lashes out, and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were.

If both people are responsible for the delegation and execution of the chores, then a huge issue just disappears. Things get done or don ‘ t, and both partners are responsible.

So, my daughter reported my ex-husband ‘ s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work, and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister-in-law and her husband, who equally shared home responsibilities, are living happily ever after.

I wish she had done this research earlier ‘ ¦

#3 – Inside jokes.

What really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.

Happy couples are like a little island unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities, but they also have things that they only share with each other, inside jokes.

Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father-in-law says something, something that he ALWAYS says and that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made, and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.

Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can ‘ t be beat for keeping couples close.

#4 – Pie in the sky hopes and dreams.

Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together.

Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours would be spent talking about the future – the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after. And then life happens. Day-to-day living gets in the way of those dreams.

But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done.

So dream big. Or small. But dream together.

#5 – Putting each other first. Period.

Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.

And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize when you no longer have a partner is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don ‘ t have a partner.

So make your partner your priority. Every day.

Work is important, but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15-mile run? Go for it, but if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it. A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. Movie negotiable. The phone? Put it down.

Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, goodwill, sex, happiness. Arguably more life-enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect scores on their SAT.

Being part of happy couple isn ‘ t something that just happens. It, like all of the best things in life, takes concerted effort.

That effort at work pays off with a raise. That effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make that effort with your partner and be one of those truly happy couples?

So listen to the top secrets that the happiest couples already know. Go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love and fall asleep happy.

It will all be worth it. I promise.

If you are still reading this, it’s your goal to be one of the world’s happiest couples.

Let me help you NOW, so you can reach you goal sooner!

Email me at [email protected], and let’s get started.

5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On

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Relationships and love. Everyone says, and, I think, truly believes, that without love, the world just doesn ‘ t go around. Love is a powerful thing that makes everything a little shinier. We all want it.

And yet, ironically, it is relationships that are usually the first thing to be set aside as we live these chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting lives. Work, kids, and exercise, all come first, leaving love sitting on the sidelines, lonely and neglected.

Doing the work that I have done for years with clients, and living my life, has given me a tremendous amount of insight into the damage we do, more often than not unwittingly. I want to share that insight with you today.

Here is my latest, 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid – Even if You Have A Lot Going On.

#1 – Keep your promises.

Promises. They are usually made with such good intentions but when they are broken there can be disastrous consequences.

Promises have to do with trust. If you make a promise and don ‘ t keep it then trust is lost. It ‘ s better to not make a promise that you can ‘ t keep then continue to break ones that you do.

I have a client whose boyfriend kept promising her that she could meet his kids. And yet every time a meeting was set up there was always an excuse about why it couldn’t happen. Eventually, she stopped wanting to meet his kids, and, ultimately, she stopped wanting to be with him.

Her trust in him had been lost. And without trust, what is there?

Make your promises carefully. Remember how important they are for maintaining trust. And love.

#2 – Make your limited time quality time.

Yes, we are all busy, with lots on our minds and many pressures. But it is important to take a few minutes to connect with your partner. Not a quick phone call between meetings, talking about yourself and your worries, but a real connection.

Next time you are together, take a moment and look at your partner and ask them how they are doing. Listen to them without interrupting. Don ‘ t try to fix anything, just listen.

Listening without judgment is very powerful. Letting your partner know they are cared about, and being heard, is a powerful way to express love. And knowing how your partner is doing will only make you feel closer.

#3 – Use your words.

How many times has a client said to me ‘ I don ‘ t have to tell him I love him. He knows. ‘

Thousands, I am afraid.

Think back to the last time that your partner told you that you were beautiful, or sexy, or that they loved your laugh. Even if you have heard it from them a million times didn ‘ t it make you feel great?

Words are very powerful. Use them for good. And for love.

#4 – Touch, touch, touch, touch.

One cannot underestimate the importance of the power of touch. I am not talking about sexual touch (although it ‘ s power should not be discounted) but simple affectionate touch.

A hug, holding hands, a kiss, a light pat on the butt. These are all examples of physical affection that can keep you bonded to your partner every day.

Did you know that a hug produces oxytocin, a chemical known to enhance mood? That a pat on the butt can make someone feel sexy and wanted? That holding hands as you walk down the street makes you feel like you can take on the world? Don’t even get me started on kissing…

So reach out and touch your partner today. Don’t make them ask for it. It ‘ s quick, easy and fun, with huge payoffs.

#5 – Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

Let me state that one again. Don ‘ t take anyone for granted.

When we first fall in love our attention is completely focused on that one person. But as time goes by we get distracted by life and we can start to neglect the one we love. We know they are there, and we assume that they will always be there, so we stop tending the relationship. And the consequences can again be disastrous.

This I can tell you from personal experience. No matter how awful I was to him, my husband always promised me that he would never leave me. I didn ‘ t mean to, but because of this I took him for granted and while I planned to change my behaviour I never quite made it happen.

And guess what. He left me.

So pay attention to that person in bed next to you. One day they just might be gone, and where would you be then?

There you go, my 5 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Solid.

‘ There is only one happiness in this life, to love and be loved, ‘ said George Sands 100 years ago. And nothing today has changed. We can succeed in our careers, be as fit as a 20-year-old and have the perfect golf game but without love what does it all matter?

I know that if I had followed my advice (if I had known it then), my marriage might have had a chance. I certainly regret not working harder at changing those behaviours.

So don’t let love live on the sidelines. Bring it out to the centre field, into the sunshine, where it can be all it can be. You can do it.

Look for more help tending your relationship. Contact me, and I can help.

 

5 Ways to be Happier Quickly – Even if Your Default is Usually Crabbiness

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We all just want to be happy. That is my life goal. It has been proven that when people are happy their health improves, their skin brightens, their attention span strengthens, and they have more success at work and at home.

All of that sounds wonderful, doesn ‘ t it?

But how, in this chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting world, do we find happiness? It seems like such a long-term goal, something we have to really work towards, not something that is accessible right now.

I am here to tell you that you can be happier NOW, just by tweaking a few things in your life.

#1 – Forget positivity. Focus on the negative.

Everyone tells us these days that in order to be happy we must practice mindfulness, live in the moment, focus on the positive. While those ideas have their place, I think that the best way to be happier is by focusing on our negative thoughts.

You know those thoughts. The ones that tell you that you are worthless or ugly or unlovable? Yes, those ones. They aren ‘ t comfortable in our body and yet how easily they settle in for a long visit.

Try this. Next time you tell yourself that you are unlovable pull out a piece of paper and write a list of everyone who loves you. When you tell yourself you are ugly go look at your profile picture on Facebook, you know that one in which you look AWESOME. When you tell yourself you are worthless, call your mother. She will remind you how worthless you are not.

I suggest that if we push back against, and argue with, those negative thoughts it will bring about quicker change than focusing on the positive.

Because, really, it ‘ s very hard to access those positive thoughts when we are unhappy. The negative ones, however, are right there for the plucking.

#2 – Smile.

Smiling seems like such a small thing but it ‘ s not. Did you know that when we use the muscles in our face to form a smile instead of a frown we actually change our chemistry, releasing dopamine into our system which allows for an immediately improved mood.

I know that when my kids were little and I was drowning in the chaos that was my life, smiling at them made my day just a little brighter, if only for a few minutes. And then I smiled at them again because I just couldn ‘ t resist and there I was, happy again. So I did it all day long. Or tried to.

#3 – Lots of lovin ‘ .

Yes, I know. Sex is great. Really great. But what I am talking about here is physical affection.

Did you know that hugging is one of the best things you can do in your life, for a variety of reasons? A brief hug produces oxytocin which helps reduce anxiety. A prolonged hug produces serotonin which leads to increased happiness. Hugging relaxes the muscles and reduces tension. Skin-to-skin contact calms down the nervous system.

So hug your friends, your kids, your family members, and someone who looks sad. Hug away. It ‘ s quick and painless.

That being said, a good orgasm releases enough dopamine to guarantee you 5-7 hours of happiness. Really.

#4 – Watch a scary movie or an action flick. Or go skydiving.

So this is an interesting thing. Whenever I am feeling blue, I love to watch The Walking Dead. I know. And yes, I am a grown woman. I never understood why until recently.

When we watch a scary movie or an action flick our body actually produces adrenaline, and that rush of adrenaline makes us happier. When I watch The Walking Dead I get a full hour’s dose of adrenaline which can last me well into the night.

Skydiving, helicopter skiing and swimming with sharks have the same results, but they aren ‘ t quite as accessible on a Wednesday night after work. But try them as well if presented with the opportunity.

#5 – Give back. In big ways and small.

Really it doesn ‘ t take much to give back to the world.

We all have excuses about why we can ‘ t volunteer – that we are ‘ just too busy ‘ is usually the first one that comes out of our mouths.

But, really, you can give back to the world, every day, in small ways.

Last week I ran into a woman on the streets of NYC. It was early morning and we were walking our dogs. I complimented her on her clogs, footwear that is rarely seen here in the city. We chatted about clogs for a bit, and I bid her good morning. She said that me reaching out to her ‘ made her day. ‘ That I made her feel good made me feel good.

So reach out to someone every day. That crabby person running the register smiles at them. Open the door for someone just because. Make (or buy) cookies and bring them to work.

Just thinking about doing good can make all the difference. Doesn ‘ t it just make you feel good thinking about bringing cookies to work? For many reasons ‘ ¦.

We all just want to be happy. And I would encourage you to contact me, the ultimate life coach, to help you work towards that goal. But there are things that you can do in the meantime, right now, to elevate your mood.

Whoever designed human beings installed mechanisms for maintaining mood and keeping us healthy and alive, we modern humans have a tough time accessing those mechanisms because we have forgotten they are there.

I have just reminded you. Go forth and use them. Be happy.

Do you want to be happier, quickly?

Let me help you, NOW, and you can start loving your life today!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

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