5 Toxic Thoughts that Sabotage Getting Over Someone

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Are you working hard at getting over someone but are you finding that it is very difficult and that the pain just won ‘ t go away? I get it!

There is nothing worse than a broken heart and getting over someone isn ‘ t easy.

Surprisingly, one of the biggest obstacles to getting over someone is our toxic thoughts. The negative tapes that go around and around in our head. These thoughts can stop our broken heart recovery in it ‘ s tracks.

So, what kind of toxic thoughts can sabotage getting over someone?

#1 – I am a total loser.

For many of us, when we are left, we can ‘ t help but take it personally, to believe that our person would never have left us if we weren ‘ t such a loser. If we had been better looking or smarter or funnier or anyway other than we were then our person would still love us and we wouldn ‘ t be feeling this way.

Break ups happen for many reasons but usually it ‘ s not because one person is a loser.

People are complicated and, at the beginning, that complication doesn ‘ t matter. What matters is the chemistry, the connection, the attraction. But, once the relationship settles down, they can become complicated.

I have a client who loves his girlfriend deeply but who doesn ‘ t want to break up with her in spite of the fact that they don ‘ t get along at all. They have disagreements about just about everything and some of them are fundamental to their personal beliefs. And yet, when I suggest breaking up, my client shuts me down because he loves her.

Neither one of these people are ‘ ˜losers. ‘ Both of them are people in the world who are trying to meld their lives together but who can ‘ t do so because of basic personality differences.

So, if you are sitting around telling yourself that you are a loser because your person left you, try to realize that you aren ‘ t a loser, that the reasons for the breakup are complicated and as much about your person as about you.

If you don ‘ t believe me, go ask your friends!

#2 – I will never love or be loved again.

One of biggest reasons that I see people stay with people they shouldn ‘ t stay with is because they are worried if they walk away from this person they will never find someone else to love. That no one will ever love them back.

I am here to tell you that, if you are thinking these thoughts, they are patently untrue. I have never, in all my years of coaching, met someone who hasn ‘ t met someone else after a break up. (Although I do have one client who has chosen to be single and is happy!)

There is a big wide world out there and there is lots of love to be had. You will never find that love, however, if all of your energy is given to this person who is making you unhappy. Once you put your energy out into the world, you will invite love in and it will find you.

Over the years after my divorce, I used to wonder what the love of my life was doing at that moment. Was he with his kids, skiing, working? I had no idea who he was but I knew that he was out there, living, waiting to find me.

#3 – If we could just go back to the way we were in the beginning.

I hear this from so many of my clients – if we could just go back to the way things were in the beginning we would live happily ever after. I am afraid to say, it ‘ s impossible to go back to the beginning.

As I said above, the beginning of a relationship is a magical time. There is deep personal and chemical attraction, the nights spent talking and the days spent having adventures. The hope that the two of you have a wonderful future together is irresistible.

Unfortunately, the beginning just isn ‘ t sustainable. It a time when we are being our best selves and our chemicals rule. Once the beginning turns into the middle, things change.

People’s real selves begin to emerge. Fissures become evident. Incompatibilities rear their ugly head. Relationships then get complicated and they can fall apart.

So, don ‘ t waste even a moment of time thinking that if you can just get back to the beginning you will live happily ever after. The beginning is over and what is happening now is how it will be going forward.

#4 – Someone else will get the best part of them.

I have a client who was with her beau for 8 years. Their first years were magical but then he began to struggle with his business. He became moody and depressed and spent more and more time away from home. She didn ‘ t want to but she knew that the time had come to leave him, that he would never change.

She has left him and is happily living her own life. Recently she saw her ex on Instagram with his new girlfriend. She was immediately stricken by how happy he looked. She assured me that this new girl had fixed him and that they would live happily ever after.

I can assure you that, unless they do serious work on themselves after a breakup, people don ‘ t just magically get better with their next person. Rather, they at first bring forth that wonderful person, the one you fell in love with, but then, after time, just like with what happened with you, the real person emerges and the cycle begins again.

So, don ‘ t convince yourself that if your ex looks happy on social media that he is all fixed. I can promise you that it’s just not true.

#5 – If I can change I can get them back.

I have so many clients who believe that if they change they can get their person to come back to them. And, while sometimes that works, more often than not it doesn ‘ t.

There are two people in every relationship and if one is willing to do the work and make change and the other isn ‘ t, it isn ‘ t likely that there is a reconciliation in the future. There might be a short term coming back together but the reunion won ‘ t stick because your issues will still be there.

The better course of action is to do the work on yourself, get to know yourself again and look for a person with whom your baggage ‘ ˜matches. ‘ Don ‘ t try to twist yourself into a pretzel to be the person your ex wants you to be.

Getting over someone can be one of the hardest things that you will ever do in your life.

And I know that right now it seems completely impossible but I can promise you that it ‘ s not. I can promise you that, with time and awareness, life will go on and you will be happy and in love again,

In the meantime, manage those toxic thoughts and don’t let them impede you getting over someone.

Don ‘ t believe you are a loser or that you will never love again. Don ‘ t look back and try to hold onto who they were. Don ‘ t fantasize about who they are now because you just have no idea and don ‘ t change for them – do it for you.

I know that is seems impossible but love is out there waiting for it. Get yourself off the couch and go find it! I did!

Are you really wondering if getting over someone is even possible?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do it so you can move forward!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

How To Speak Up For Yourself and Get What You Want

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Are you wondering how to speak up for yourself and get what you want? I get it. Asking for what you want is incredibly difficult, especially for women.

Tonight I have to have a difficult conversation with my boyfriend. I am dreading it. I am sitting here thinking about what to say and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, maybe even break up with me, by the end of it.

As a result, I am really questioning whether I should even bring it up at all or I should let my issue go, no matter how unhappy I am.

The life coach in me knows that while my hesitations and fears are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one where I can stand up for myself and be more assertive so that I can be happy

What can I do to ensure that the conversation is productive and allows us both to walk away happy?

#1 – I won ‘ t assume anything.

As I sit here thinking about what tonight is going to look like, I am visualizing all sorts of reactions from my boyfriend around what I am going to say. Some are calm, some are angry, some involve tears.

The worse scenarios are what I am most focused on, the things that I fear the most. That he will hate me or break up with me and be upset with me.

And they are all that I can think about. Almost more even than the content of the talk. I just don ‘ t know what will happen and it worries me.

But I know that I have to let go of those projected outcomes. I have NO IDEA how he is going to react and to spend even one minute perseverating about what they might be is a complete waste of time.

So, I let have to let them go and accept that whatever happens will happen and that I can’t control the outcome by thinking about it ahead of time.

#2 – I will choose the right time and place.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have difficult conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. Tonight my boyfriend is coming over for dog therapy, pizza and football. His top 3 things in this world. He will be happy and then we will begin. Softly.

By choosing a good time and place to talk, I am setting myself up to be more confident in what I want because I know that I will be more comfortable in the situation and more able to speak my truth.

#3 – I will not attack.

My goal in this conversation is to have an effective, difficult talk. One that lands on it’s mark, allows me to be assertive and has a satisfactory end result. To do this, it ‘ s important not to attack.

My boyfriend is struggling with a few issues in our relationship. I will tell him that I have a feeling that he is struggling and that I would like to support him in any way.

What I will not say is ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘

I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And make him leave.

By talking about how you feel, vs how he is behaving, you can not only be clearer in your discussion, because really the only accurate perspective that you have is yours, and also you will prevent a quarrel because he can ‘ t push back against your feelings in a way that he could push back against your accusations.

So talk about how you feel, not about the things he does. It will be way more effective. I promise!

#4 – I will listen.

This is so important. You need to be very careful to listen to what you are hearing back from the person with whom you are talking. Not only could you get some valuable information but, by letting them know that you are paying attention, you will be more likely to get the outcome that you seek, namely sticking up for yourself successfully.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

And if your person gets angry and storms off you are way more likely to capitulate and not speak up for yourself, to be less assertive and end up unhappy. Again.

#5 – I will feel confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my boyfriend seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always tell my clients to consider ‘ what is the worst that can happen? ‘

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be the death of my child. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

You will be especially ok if you speak up for what you want and need. Imagine how that would feel, knowing that you have been heard, as opposed to how it would feel, walking away, feeling like you let yourself down again.

It is an excellent skill to have – to speak up for yourself and get what you want.

Asking for what you want can be difficult but doing so is necessary.

Now that I am done worrying about possible outcomes I have my list of things I want to address and am going to do so carefully and with love.

And while there might be some tears and discomfort, I know that, really, everything is going to be okay. If I can speak up for myself, be more assertive, that, ultimately, I will be happier. We will still love each other and that life will go on.

I can do this. And you can too!

Are you really wondering how to speak up for yourself and get what you want?
Let me help, NOW, and learn how to do it so you can move forward!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Consequences Of Having No Boundaries In Marriage

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Have you just walked down the aisle and are you wondering what are the consequences of having no boundaries in marriage?

For that matter, do you have no idea what marriage boundaries are or where to start?

I have helped many couples establish and stick to boundaries in their marriage and I know, first hand, the disastrous consequences of having no boundaries in marriage.

To understand healthymarriage boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy marriage boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors.

A few examples:

*Make sure you stay yourself

*Allow yourselves time apart

*Communication is important

*Mutual respect at all times

*Keep the power dynamic equal

*Making time for both sides of the family

*Respecting others friends and hobbies

Of course, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but it is important that every couple establish some boundaries early and stick to them. For the sake of their marriage.

So, what are the consequences of having no boundaries in marriage?

#1 – There are no established rules.

At it ‘ s most fundamental, lack of boundaries in marriage means that there are no established rules or guidelines in the relationship. The four walls of the house that is marriage have not been built and as a result the foundation of the relationship is already shaky.

It is very important that each couple have a set of rules of work from – things that they both are clear about and committed to keeping. Without those rules, couples are forced to stab around in the dark, trying to make their other person happy but not really knowing how.

For example, when I was married, the number one boundary that my ex and I should have set was to set parameters around the visiting times with both of our families. We should have talked about where we would spend the holidays, what they would look like, how birthdays were to be celebrated and our obligation for daily tasks. We didn ‘ t do that and, as a result, our new family got torn apart by the demands of our extended one.

So, if you and your partner don ‘ t know what rules to follow you will be lost from the very beginning because you have no path to follow.

#2 – You could lose yourselves and each other.

One of the biggest consequences of having no boundaries in marriage is that it is possible for each member of the couple to lose their individuality.

For many couples they believe that all free time should be spent together, doing together things, even things that one member of the couple might not like to do. And time together is, of course, important. But time apart, spending time with friends and family, doing the things that we love individually, allows us to maintain our individuality in the relationship.

It is that individuality that initially attracted you to each other and if you lose that individuality because of your relationship, that attraction will be affected. And if you no longer are a person in the world, but only part of a twosome, then you will lose your connection with yourself which could make you unhappy and a not very desirable partner.

And as a result, not only could you lose yourself but you could also lose each other.

#3 – Contempt grows.

Another one of the big consequences of having no boundaries in marriage is that, because of misunderstandings and a thousand little cuts, anger and contempt build and grow without you even knowing it.

Contempt is defined as the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. I believe that the presence of contempt is the beginning of the end for any relationship.

When you are in a relationship and you are trying to keep it healthy, treating your partner like they don ‘ t matter is a sure way to sabotage it. Think about when your partner rolls his eyes at what you say or mocks the words that come out of your mouth or insults your ideas and intelligence. How horrible does that feel? Does it make you want to work to make things better? Not so much.

Contempt comes from the lack of defined rules in a marriage, from the lack of boundaries. It is essential that boundaries are created early on so that contempt doesn ‘ t have a chance to rear it ‘ s ugly head.

#4 – Communication becomes impossible.

Another one of the consequences of having no boundaries in marriage is that, over time, communication can become impossible.

Communication is a skill that is developed over the course of a marriage. And marriage is long. If you don ‘ t establish, from the beginning, the importance of communicating and staying in touch then you will risk, over time, losing the ability to communicate anything with your partner, good or bad.

Think about the unhappily married people who you know. How good are they at talking to each other? Do they snip and argue and roll their eyes and talk about each other behind their backs? Do you see them talking to each other with respect and honesty? Probably not.

So, it is important that boundaries are defined around the importance of communication in a marriage because communication is the bedrock of marriages. And without it, the consequences can be disastrous.

#5 – Your eyes could wander.

Unfortunately, when one ‘ s marriage is suffering because of a lack of defined boundaries, when people are stabbing around in the dark to make each other happy, when they have lost themselves and are angry and mean to each other, it is not uncommon for people to turn to others for support.

When I was married, many of my friends were miserable and many of them found themselves turning to their friends for support. And many of themselves found themselves turning to men they knew for support. Not all of them went down that slippery slope to an emotional affair but many of them did.

They were no longer communicating with their partner, their daily lives were full of anger and contempt and they felt lost in their marriage. With their new confidant they didn ‘ t feel that way. They felt happy and appreciated and loved. And they fell in love with someone who wasn ‘ t their partner.

The most disastrous consequence of not setting boundaries in marriage is that it can lead to one or both of you turning to others for the things that you want in your marriage. And when this happens, the shit really hits the fan.

I am not saying that, if you don ‘ t establish boundaries, your marriage will be rocked by infidelity but I am saying that couples can be torn apart by the things that boundaries are set to protect.

There are many dire consequences of not having boundaries in marriage. Some of them small and some of them bigger.

It is important that young couples take a good hard look at what is important to them early on so that they can create mutual understanding and define a game plan for what is important to them, both individually and as a couple.

Marriage is long and difficult but it can be wonderful if you do the hard work ahead of time to make it so.

Are you really wondering about boundaries in marriage?
Let me help, NOW, and get you off to a good start!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Tips For Surviving Infidelity As The Cheater

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Have you recently had an affair, or perhaps are you in the middle of one? If you are I know you ‘ re struggling, looking for ideas for surviving infidelity as the cheater.

I have had many clients who have had affairs and, while from the outside they might seem sexy and exciting, from the inside they ‘ re scary, overwhelming and fraught with guilt. That ‘ s not to say the sex isn ‘ t good but the guilt that comes with having an affair can sometimes be more than you can bear.

Fortunately, I have many clients who have been able to let go of the guilt they struggle with, people who see that surviving infidelity as the cheater is possible. Let me help you do the same.

#1 – Know that you are only human.

One thing that we all forget about is that we are only human.

We are raised to think that we are special, that we are different, that we can handle things that other people can ‘ t. And while to some extent this might be true, because everybody IS different, the truth of the matter is that we are all only human and we make mistakes.

People who have affairs are People who are often not happy with their lives. More likely than not, people who have affairs are struggling both in their personal lives and in their relationships. They don ‘ t feel good about themselves and/or they are struggling to find happiness with their partner.

It ‘ s a horrible, horrible place to be and, if you are in that place, what I suggest is that you cut yourself some slack. You are only human. You are going to make mistakes.

You are a person in the world, one trying to manage the insecurity and unhappiness in your life in a way that allows you to survive. Some people drink too much, some people eat too much, some people drive their cars too fast and some people have affairs.

You are not alone in the world. Plenty of other people are having affairs right now and feeling the same sort of guilt you are. So, let yourself off the hook, know that you are a good person but that you have made a bad choice.

We all make bad choices sometimes and none of us should be forever condemned for it.

#2 – Know that it ‘ s not all your fault.

I know you think that this affair is all your fault. You are the one who met someone else, developed a connection with that person and perhaps embarked down the road to a sexual relationship. Yes, you did that.

But you didn ‘ t do it in a void. As I stated above, people who are having affairs are often people who are deeply unhappy in their relationship. And they aren ‘ t the only person in that relationship.

Relationships are comprised of two people and two people are responsible when relationships start to suffer. Perhaps your husband works all the time and you are lonely. Or perhaps your wife has become detached and refuses to talk to you. You feel like you ‘ ve tried to fix things but you haven ‘ t had much success.

Most people don ‘ t intend to have affairs. They just happen. And they happen when people are vulnerable. All of my clients who have had affairs are people who were in a relationship that wasn ‘ t working and it wasn ‘ t working because the TWO people in the relationship were not willing, or able, to repair it. And then infidelity can happen.

Yesterday, I was talking to a client of mine who carries a tremendous amount of guilt about an affair he had and I asked him to think about why he had an affair. What was going on in his relationship that gave him the space to have an affair? He responded by saying ‘ ˜Nothing. My wife is perfect and the affair was all my fault. ‘ I pushed back and we dug a little deeper and we realized that she repeatedly did things that made him feel insecure about himself and that led him to move towards someone who thought he was amazing.

So, please try to understand that your affair is not all your fault. Understanding that will help you manage the guilt that you are struggling with.

#3 – Get some support.

For many people who have had affairs, the prospect of reaching out to get some professional help is unthinkable.

People who have had affairs are racked with guilt and self-loathing and to admit what they have done just seems more then they can bear.

I can promise you that therapists, psychologists and life coaches have seen it all and will absolutely not judge you if you disclose that you ‘ re having an affair. I can promise you that they will look at you with understanding and be able to help you do the work that needs be done to help you manage your guilt.

Another source of excellent help are others who have also survived infidelity. Only people who have experienced infidelity can really understand what it ‘ s all about. Having someone who has been through it can help you understand and manage your emotions in a way that will help you let it go.

Find a support group for people who have survived infidelity. The sharing could change your life.

Please, reach out today. Don ‘ t go through this alone.

#4 – Shut things down.

The key piece of surviving the guilt of infidelity is to stop being unfaithful.

You can use all the techniques that I have described above and they will help you manage your guilt but they won ‘ t help you let it go completely.

The only way to stop truly feeling guilty about having an affair is to stop having one.

I know, I know. That ‘ s way easier said than done. But it is possible and doing so is the best thing that you can do to stop that guilt cold in it tracks.

#5 – Rebuild your relationship.

Rebuilding your relationship after having affair might seem like an impossible thing to do, and it just might be, but if you can do it successfully you have the best chance of surviving the guilt of infidelity.

Think about when you are doing a project and you make a big mistake and everything goes wrong but in the end the project is successful. It ‘ s the same thing with a marriage that has been rocked by infidelity. The rocking doesn ‘ t have to cause the ship to sink. If you can manage the rock and keep the relationship afloat and moving forward then all ‘ s well that ends well.

Imagine how good it would feel to be back in your relationship, safe, solid and happy.

Right now, surviving infidelity as the cheater might seem impossible but it doesn ‘ t have to be.

I know for days, weeks, months or perhaps longer you have been racked with the guilt of what you are doing but it doesn ‘ t have to be that way.

Recognize that you are only human, know that it ‘ s not all your fault, get yourself some help, end your affair and work to rebuild your relationship.

If you can do these things then you will survive the guilt of your transgression and might even end up in a better relationship as a result. How great would that be?

Get started now. You can do it!

Are you really struggling with surviving infidelity as the cheater?
Let me help, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

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