Do you know that, finally, you are breaking up for good?
After all the ups and downs, the pain and the tears, do you know that your relationship is over and that it’s time to move on?
Are you determined and ready to move forward but not sure how to make it stick because it hasn’t so many times before?
There are ways to make it stick this time so that this time, breaking up for good, is actually breaking up for good!!
#1 – Go no contact RIGHT AWAY.
There is nothing more tempting, when you are missing ex, then to stalk him or her.
Unfortunately, these days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex – social media has made it all so easy. And keeping tabs on a makes them make it really hard to let go and move on.
I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps him out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or even doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.
So, eliminate all ties to your loved one on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.
It might be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do but you will be glad you did.
#2 – Take stock.
One of the first thing I tell all of my clients, when they are breaking up for good and hoping to make it stick, is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. To take stock all of the reasons why they needed to walk away from that person, the things that they knew weren’t working, the reasons why they might have been broken up with.
When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede in our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.
And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is caused us pain. Or at the very least to start stalking them, which will only send you back to square one.
So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that caused the breakup. Perhaps he would disappear for hours, only to reappear with some flimsy excuse. Perhaps she treated you with contempt in front of your friends. Perhaps he was verbally abusive. Perhaps he would never leave his wife.
There are probably many of them if this relationship is over.
This list will also do the job of making you realize that the ‘rug wasn’t pulled out from under you,’ that the break up wasn’t exactly ‘out of the blue.’ Not playing the victim will help breaking up for good work this time!
Furthermore, if you are the one leaving this relationship, keeping those reasons in mind daily going forward will help you stay strong.
Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing your ex.. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.
#3 – Make yourself a priority.
Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.
Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.
The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to get off the couch and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.
You don’t have to join a gym. Get out there an walk, go dancing, do some yoga. Whatever you can do to keep your heart rate up!
Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.
And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on your next guy’s face when he sees you next!
So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together will be so much more difficult if you do.
#4 – Go big.
Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.
When my husband left me, I was devastated. One of the things that gave me hope was the list that I had made of all the things that I had always wanted to do but hadn’t done.
I had always wanted to hike in Peru, to learn to drive a Jet-ski, to live in NYC, to talk about mental illness, to start a coaching business. I had never done any of those things because I was unhappily married and consumed with that.
One by one, I did these things. 10 years later life is good, I am strong and I am happy. And I have had lots of amazing adventures.
What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the free time now. Don’t waste it!
#5 – Reconnect with old friends…and make new ones.
For many of us, relationships mean that we disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.
Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you ‘before.’ They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.
Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.
People are a great way to get you through a tough time. And you have lots of people. Reach out and find them again.
Breaking up for good and making it stick is the goal for someone in a toxic relationship.
We all know that it’s easier said than done. But I can promise you that it is possible. Many very happy people can attest to that!
Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.
So, now that you have read this article, block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you connect on. Get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the reasons that you broke up with your person. Keep it close. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you smile. Do things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you had to let go of.
You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise…