5 Surprising Reasons Your Man Is Useless When You Are Emotional

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Ok. Picture this. Your man has just said something that has upset you in a big way. He might not have meant to do it but he did. You throw your dishtowel at him, burst into tears and rush out of the room.

What would you like to have happen next? Maybe that he will follow you out of the room, curl you up in his arms and soothe you with words of love and regret. That would definitely make you feel better.

And what does he do instead? Nothing. Nothing.

Twice in the past week I have had conversations about this topic with men and I learned that when we get upset or angry, our man doesn ‘ t rush to help us not because he doesn ‘ t want to but because he can ‘ t.

Why can ‘ t he? Read on ‘ ¦

#1 – His mind goes blank.

Every man I talk to says the same thing: When she is upset my mind goes absolutely blank. Blank.

This surprised me. As a woman, when faced with someone ‘ s emotions, I can literally feel the gears in my brain turning, quickly, searching for the right thing to say or do and, usually whatever I decide happens almost instantly.

Not so with guys. Apparently, when faced with an emotional woman, men truly have no idea what to say or do. That is why they just stand there, paralyzed and not helpful, in the face of our tears.

So, next time you are upset, pause for a minute (if you can) and see if your guy is standing there with a blank expression on his face. If he is, know it ‘ s not because he doesn ‘ t care. It ‘ s because his brain has literally stopped working. At least for the time being.

#2 – His heart races.

When faced with an emotional woman, men can actually have a physical reaction.

Much like when they are watching an exciting football game where their team is winning with just a few seconds left but the other team has the opportunity for a field goal, a man who is faced with an angry girl has a racing heart.

When the heart races it ‘ s because the adrenaline has kicked in. And when adrenaline kicks in our instincts are instantly primal, not logical or emotional, as we might like them to be. And for a man, when his adrenaline kicks in, his tendency is not to sit and cuddle.

So, even if we would like our guy to overcome his physical reaction and be there for us, he just can ‘ t.

#3 – His flight or fight instincts kick in.

Another thing that kicks in with the adrenaline is oldest survival instinct: the fight or flight instinct.

When faced with a life-threatening situation, our ancestors had a choice: to fight the wooly mammoth or flee. This instinct kept human beings alive and evolving into the creatures we are today.

Part of our survival is that flight or fight mechanism and, for men, when faced with a woman ‘ s emotions, it ‘ s often flight. To get away as quickly as possible.

Think about the last time your man fled your anger. Did you follow him to the next room and continue to be angry? What did he do? Did he just take it or did he fight back? He had tried to flee, but couldn ‘ t, and then he fought back. Hard.

Maybe letting him flee is a good idea. Give him a chance to figure out what to do for you.

So, when your man tries to run from your emotions, understand it ‘ s not that he doesn ‘ t love you. It ‘ s his human instinct, caused by the adrenaline, that is making it happen.

#4 – He just wants to fix you.

One of the most frustrating things for women is that, when they are feeling upset, their man just wants to fix them.

What we women want when we are emotional is to be listened to and have our feelings validated and to be hugged and kissed and made to feel loved.

Yeah, well, if that ‘ s what you want, that ‘ s why you have your girlfriends. It all seems so easy but for men it just isn ‘ t.

A man ‘ s first instinct, when given any problem, is to just fix it. To take whatever the issue is at hand and do whatever it takes to make it better. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotions, men don ‘ t have a lot of tools in their toolboxes to fix their women and they are lost.

So, understand that your guy ‘ s efforts to fix you are out of love – he just doesn ‘ t know how to do it any differently.

#5 – He feels helpless.

To many men, emotions are super scary. Their minds go blank and their heart races and they know that they just can ‘ t fix whatever is happening.

They feel totally helpless in the face of what you are going through.

What I have done with my guy is to tell him, when I am not sad or angry or emotional, exactly what I need for him to do. I need him to acknowledge my emotions and be able to sit with it, not trying to fix it. I need him to hold my hand and tell me he is there and not run away until I am better.

We all want our men to instinctively know what to do when we are sad but their instincts are different from ours. Tell your guy what you need, what tools he should keep in his tool-box, so that he doesn ‘ t feel so helpless next time.

For us women, emotions are something that are familiar – not scary or off-putting.

For men, it’s different. Emotions are a scary thing that make their minds go blank, their heart race, their fight or flight instincts to kick in and something that they just can ‘ t fix.

Going forward, try to understand that our men, as much as we would like them to be, just can ‘ t naturally react to us the way we want them to when we become emotional.

Teach them what you need from them, be patient that it might take them a few minutes to implement those things and understand that he really just wants to do his best when you need him.

Really, he does.

Is your man’s inability to handle your emotions starting to affect your relationship?
Let me help, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

5 Reasons A Relationship Without Boundaries Isn’t Healthy

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Have you been told that a relationship without boundaries isn ‘ t healthy?

Are you wondering what exactly relationship boundaries are and why you need to have them in your relationship?

Let me help! To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe.

Unfortunately, without the four walls around it, a relationship can founder. Why?

#1 – Without boundaries, expectations aren ‘ t clear.

One of the biggest reasons that relationships start to founder is when mutual expectations aren ‘ t met.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner just didn ‘ t understand something that was really important to you and that lack of understanding HURT!

Maybe in the beginning of your relationship you always celebrated Saturday mornings by breakfast in bed. A few months into the relationship he started to instead played soccer with his friends.

Did you TELL him how important it was to you that you do that Saturday morning ritual? Did he know how much it hurt that he left you by yourself those days? Or did you just stew and think that if he loved you he would know how important this ritual was to you?

One important relationship boundary is that you set clear expectations of what is important to you so that you both know. We just can ‘ t read each other ‘ s minds and it ‘ s essential that we share what we want and need so that the relationship can be a healthy one.

#2 – Without boundaries, you can lose yourself.

For many of us, when we get into a relationship we tend to lose ourselves in it. In the beginning, all we want to do is be with that person and as the relationship continues we keep up that pattern. Because we want to be with them always, we agree to do what they want to do and put our own needs aside.

Unfortunately, as a result, many of us lose ourselves because we give ourselves over completely to the other person, doing what they want and seeing who they like. Before we know it, we have no idea who we are in the world. Our friends have fallen away, our hobbies are sidelined and we find ourselves without an identity of our own.

And when this happens, our self-esteem plunges. And who wants to be in a relationship with someone with no identity and low self-esteem?

So, set this boundary. Make sure that each of you have time on your own and that you come back to each other in between.

#3 – Without boundaries, one person might always be in charge.

An interesting pattern that often happens in relationship is that one person tends to be in charge.

This particularly happens in marriages with children. Women tend to take over running the family business because they are juggling all of the balls and the men are left as support staff.

Unfortunately, one person being in charge can lead to loss of respect on the part of the person in charge and contempt on the part of the person being bossed around.

So, make an effort to make sure that you are both boss of some aspect of your life. Share the responsibility. Most of the couples that I know who are still married after 20 years work together to keep their family running smoothly.

#4 – Without boundaries, you could stop liking each other.

Imagine if, every day, you and your partner let each other down because you haven ‘ t set clear expectations. And if every day, you are a little more clingy to your guy because of you have lost who you are in the world. Or if, every day, you are condescendingly bossy to your husband because he always seems clueless about what needs to be done around the house.

If that is your every day, do you think that you will continue to like your partner? Do you think the joy that you used to feel every time you saw them will stay with you? Do you think your partner will look upon you with the same respect that he did when you first dating?

Without clear boundaries, the friendship that is so important in any healthy relationship could evaporate. And then where are you?

#5 – Without boundaries, friendships could founder.

Ever since the Victorian age, when Victoria and Albert found true love in an arranged marriage, the ideal of the traditional marriage is that you will find your best friend AND the love of your life AND and a life partner.

That is a tall order for any kind of relationship. To be all things for a person. A lot of pressure, to say the least.

I have always said that I have a friend for every mood. I have a friend for when I am sad, a friend for when I want to play, a friend for going to the movies and a friend to go hiking with. My boyfriend is definitely someone I would choose for some of those activities but definitely not for all of them.

It is essential that, in relationship, you maintain outside friendships because the pressure to be all things to one person is just too much. Unsustainable, some might say.

Make sure that you make the time and spend the energy to maintain your friendships, friendships that will sustain you no matter what you need or what happens in your life.

Relationship boundaries can be hard to understand but are very important to put into place for a healthy relationship.

So, first off, set clear expectations on both sides for what is important in your relationship. Adjust them as time goes on. Make sure that no one is in charge and that you maintain your own, independent life. Work hard to keep liking each other.

Healthy relationships can be hard to maintain but if you do the work, it will be worth it. I promise.

Do you want your relationship to be healthy and strong?
Let me help, NOW, to set some boundaries that will keep it that way!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

5 Traits of a Guy You Want to Fall in Love With

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Don ‘ t you just want to find someone to love. Someone to make a life with and live happily ever after with. Why can ‘ t it just be that easy?

Why? Because we meet a guy who has everything on our list – things like he is smart, funny, handsome, independent – and we jump in because we think he might be the one.

BUT, are those things – the things on our list – really the personality traits that are essential for a long-lasting relationship?

I would say NO. I think they are important but they aren ‘ t THE most important things to look for in a man who will love you forever.

So, let ‘ s try doing it differently. Let ‘ s start by looking for a guy who has the personality traits of a guy you want to fall in love with and those things on our list second.

So, what are those traits?

#1 – An eagerness to learn.

Don ‘ t you just hate guys who think they know everything?

How they come into a relationship thinking that they know what makes a relationship work and how people need to behave and they aren ‘ t willing to consider doing anything differently.

We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage. Hurt from past relationships, disappointed expectations, frustrations at how hard it all is, unrealistic expectations about what could be.

All of those things make forming a relationship difficult but they are also all things that could allow a relationship to flourish, if dealt with correctly.

What about if you found a man who is able to look at his past mistakes and see how he might have done things differently. Or a man who didn ‘ t hold things that went wrong in past relationships over your head, assuming that those things will happen in your relationship as well.

What if you found a guy who was willing to look to take a fresh look at how a relationship could be WITH YOU and was willing to listen to ideas from you about what might work wellA guy who is willing to learn other ways to be in a relationship is a guy who is going to make a woman fall in love with him.

#2 – Putting others first.

A man who is going to be someone you want to fall in love with is a man who is interested in putting others first.

A man who is willing to miss the football game for a birthday dinner with his mom. Who will open a door for someone even if he knows that that person will then be ahead of him in that really long line. Who is willing to bend his schedule to accommodate being with the woman he loves when she needs him.

Many men put themselves first, either out of habit or necessity. Perhaps they are protecting themselves, perhaps their mother made them that way or perhaps they are just clueless. But what good is a man with a wicked sense of humor who doesn ‘ t put others first, at least some of the time?

Do you want to be playing second fiddle for the rest of your life?

#3 – Flexibility.

Life is messy and a key personality trait in a guy who women fall in love with is flexibility.

Every day, even the best laid plans are dashed by life. And when plans are dashed then everyone needs to work together to set things back in motion again.

A client of mine owns her own business and has a crazy busy schedule that often changes on a dime. As a result, she often has to change plans with her guy. Instead of getting pissed that she can ‘ t see him or taking it personally that she has to shift things again, her guy rolls with it. He knows exactly what is happening and is happy to accept it as part of being with her. She in turn makes every effort to communicate changes to him as soon as she knows of them and that Friday night and Saturday morning are set in stone as time for them. They are both flexible and that makes their relationship work.

And yes, he is good looking and she was immediately attracted to him but, over time, the flexibility that he displays regularly is way more important to her!

#4 – Self-respect.

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with self-respect.

A man who takes care of himself and his space and the people around him.

I had a Match date once with a guy I emailed with for more than a week. I really, really liked him and was looking forward to our date. We were meeting for coffee and I dressed casually but carefully in anticipation of our meeting.

And him? He showed up in sweats with stains on his shirt and holes in the knees. His hair was a mess and he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. It was not a good first impression.

For me, I felt like a guy who didn ‘ t take care of himself wasn ‘ t going to be the kind of guy who could take care of me. And I was right – the more I got to know him, the more I saw that he was pretty careless in all of his life. A huge reason, I am guessing, why he is still single.

So, choose a smart guy but choose a guy who takes care of himself, his environment and those around him. A guy with self-respect who will respect you as well.

#5 – Self Awareness

Ok, so you have met the guy of your dreams. He is smart, funny, educated, employed and cute. And then you realize that he doesn ‘ t know that he is any of those things and that he has a chip on his shoulder because of it.

I have a client who was madly in love with a man she knew from college. They had reconnected on Facebook and after months of talking they got together.

Her man was smart, gorgeous and really good at making her laugh. And that was enough, until it wasn ‘ t.

Her man didn ‘ t know that he was smart, hot and funny.He had encountered many failures in his life and those repeated failures had made him incredibly insecure.

This insecurity ultimately destroyed their relationship because he couldn ‘ t believe that she loved him and he couldn ‘ t commit to her because he didn ‘ t think that he deserved her.

While he met all the criteria on my client ‘ s list, he didn ‘ t know who he was and their relationship was doomed.

Find yourself a guy who has done his work and who knows who he is in the world and that he likes that person. And that other people like him too.

Yes, love is the goal and a frustrating one it can be to reach.

I am here to suggest that if your quest for love is failing, you need to try approaching it differently.

So, make a list about what you want from the guy of your dreams and include more than a sense of humor and blue eyes. Think about what personality traits are important to you. Consider the above when you make your list.

Do things differently this time. You will be glad you did! I promise.

Is your search for love getting you down?
Let me help, NOW, because the guy of your dreams is out there, waiting for you!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

How To Stop Feeling Depressed And Anxious All The Time

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Has your life gotten to that place where you are feeling depressed and anxious all the time?

Are you feeling hopeless and full of dread and worried about what the future will hold?

If you are, I am so sorry. Being depressed and hopeless is a horrible place to be!

Fortunately, there are things you can do to stop feeling anxious and depressed all the time.

#1 – Take a good look at your life.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have.

If you think you have situational depression, read on. If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that make you feel good.

When we are feeling depressed and anxious all of the time, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed and anxious, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed you are ready.

#3 – Keep your mind busy.

Unfortunately, when we are feeling depressed and anxious, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you are feeling depressed and anxious, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4 – Choose your playmates carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when we are depressed and anxious is our environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed and anxious. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren ‘ t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn ‘ t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn ‘ t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn ‘ t spend time with when you are depressed and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#5 – Talk to your PCP.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and anxious all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and anxious might indicate some serious health problems and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and anxiety so that they don ‘ t get worse. Which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you are feeling depressed and anxious all of the time it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, control who you spend time with and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression and anxiety can go away on their own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

Is anxiety and depression making a mess of your life?
Let me help, NOW, before it gets out of control!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

5 Things to Do Next After Letting Go of Love

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Are you wondering what to do next after letting go of love?

Have you worked hard to get out of a relationship that wasn ‘ t serving you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that is the result letting go of your love?

You are not alone. Getting past a broken heart is hard but not impossible.

Here are some things that you can do that can really help.

#1 – Make a list.

One of the first thing I tell all of my clients when they have to walk away from someone they love is to make a list – a list of all of the reasons that they need to walk away from that person.

When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is causing us pain.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him.

You left this relationship for a reason. Keep that reason in mind daily going forward.

#2 – Cut off all contact.

There is nothing more tempting, when you are missing your lost love, then to stalk him or her.

Unfortunately, these days there are so many ways to keep tabs on a lost love – social media has made it all so easy. And keeping tabs on a lost love makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn ‘ t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your lost love ‘ s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don ‘ t want to see. Perhaps him out there having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or even doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

So, eliminate all ties to your loved one on social media. Block him on your phone. Don ‘ t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#3 – Exercise and take care of yourself.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on his face when he sees you next!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don ‘ t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Do something that you have always wanted to do.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn ‘ t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends ‘ ¦and make new ones.

For many of us, relationships mean that we disconnected with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you ‘ ˜before. ‘ They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women,to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People are a great way to get you through a tough time. And you have lots of people. Reach out and find them again.

Letting go of love is devastating and a big part of getting through it is by figuring out what to do next.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the reasons that you broke up with your guy. Keep it close. Block your guy on your phone and on every social media platform you are connect on. Get out there and exercise. Do somethings that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the guy you had to let go.

I know it doesn ‘ t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise ‘ ¦

Have you let go of love and are struggling with the pain?
Let me help, NOW, so that you can get through it and move on!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

5 Ways to Tell if the Guy You Love Doesn’t Love You Back

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Are you wondering if the guy you love loves you back?

How any times have you sat with a friend as she cried about the man that she loves because she is confused about whether he loves her or not. How many? Thousands perhaps? Me too.

And don ‘ t you always want to say ‘ ˜it ‘ s so obvious! He doesn ‘ t love you! ‘ ? Because it is so obvious. To you, but not to her.

And now do you find yourself in the her place? Wondering if the guy you love loves you back?

Let me help. There are 5 ways to tell that your guy doesn ‘ t love you. They are:

#1 – He constantly makes excuses about why he can’t spend time with you.

A guy who is in love with a girl actively wants to spend time with her. In fact, he will move heaven and earth to spend time with her.

Now, I am not saying that your guy doesn ‘ t love you if he goes to a football game with the guys or has breakfast with his mother. But if your guy regularly has to work late on date night or is having problems with his car or suddenly has been struck down a mysterious illness then there is the possibility that he is making excuses not to see you.

And if he is making excuses to not see you then he definitely isn ‘ t in love with you. Because, if he was, he would be sitting right by your side and you would not be reading this article

#2 – He ghosts you in any way.

Does your guy disappear?

Do you text him and not hear back for hours and when you do there is talk about a broken phone keyboard or a dead battery?

Are you supposed to meet your guy for dinner but at the last minute he tells you he can ‘ t make it and then you don ‘ t hear from him for a day?

Does he tell you that he isn ‘ t feeling well enough to hang out with you and then spends the night posting on Facebook and he doesn ‘ t respond to any of your messages?

If your guy ghosts you in any way he doesn ‘ t love you. A guy who loves a girl treats her with respect and that respect means that he responds to her clearly and honestly. He is clear about his actions and his intentions and he shares them with her.

So, if your guy disappears regularly, with lame excuses, then he most definitely isn ‘ t in love with you.

#3 – He spends more time on his hobbies than with you.

Does your man have a hobby that regularly takes him away from you?

A client of mine has a guy who is passionate about riding his bike. Every weekend he goes out with his posse and they clock as many miles as they can get in. Every weekend.

My friend had no problem with his passion for biking until he started to put his bike over her on his priority list. The weekend would come along and she would want to just spend time with him but his bike ride came first. So, she would wait and when he got back he was always too tired to do anything with her.

If you man has a hobby great! Everyone should have a hobby! But if he regularly puts his hobby ahead of you on his play list then he doesn ‘ t love you.

Time to go find a man who has a hobby to share with the woman he loves.

#4 – He isn ‘ t always nice to you.

Do you come downstairs after carefully dressing for dinner only to have your guy make a snide comment about what you are wearing?

Does your man comment on your horrible cooking in front of your friends?

Does he mock new ideas that you might have about your career?

If your man does any of these things, he doesn ‘ t love you. A man who is in love with a woman treats her with the utmost respect and would never dream of being unkind to her.

Of course, some men are clueless and will say something innocent about your dress without meaning to but if your man is regularly unkind to you then he definitely doesn ‘ t love you.

#5 – He doesn ‘ t do things just to make you happy.

Do you make plans to go out with the girls and ask him to take care of the kids and he refuses?

Do you want to spend that extra money that you have saved on a new dishwasher and he insists that it would be better spent elsewhere?

Do you want to spend some quality time with him but he is always too busy?

Men who love their woman want to give them what they want because they know that if a woman feels taken care of she will feel loved. If a man is always selfish in his considerations and doesn ‘ t care at all what you want then that man doesn ‘ t love you.

So, I ask you, if your friend was telling you about a man who fits the criteria above, what you would you say to her? And what would you hope your friend would say to you if the positions were reversed?

Read this list. Keep it. Memorize it. Use it now to get rid of the guy who doesn’t love you and keep it for later use. Hopefully you won ‘ t need it but keep it close in case you do ‘ ¦

The guy who will truly love you is out there. Don ‘ t settle for someone who just pretends he does. Move on NOW!

Are you wondering if your guy loves you back?
Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

What to do When You are Feeling Too Depressed to Get Out of Bed

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Are you lying in bed again, feeling too depressed to get out of bed?

Are you feeling badly about yourself, thinking that you are a loser and that the world would be better off without you?

That ‘ s just not true! It ‘ s time to get out of your bed and get on with your life. It will be worth it. I promise!

But what can you do to give you the energy to get out of bed? Let me help!

#1 – Get laughing.

They do say that laughter is the best medicine and it ‘ s true!

When we are depressed we tend to isolate ourselves. The prospect of getting out of bed and actually interacting with people is too much for us to bear.

This is just exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. The physical act of smiling has actually been proven to lighten one ‘ s mood. How amazing is that?

Picture this. You can spend the rest of the day in bed, covers pulled up over your ears, mulling about how horrible the world is and how you are never going to do anything ever again. OR you can invite a friend over and laze around on your bed, laughing about whatever it is that you laugh about with them.

So, do what you can do to get some laughter going. If the idea of friends is just too much to bear, grab your laptop and binge watch The Office or Parks and Rec or Insecure and laugh hard and long.

Get those smile muscles activated and lift your mood immediately.

#2 – Do just one thing.

When we are depressed the idea of getting anything done at all is completely overwhelming. And so, what do we do? Nothing. And then how do we feel? Worse.

Try this: from your bed try to do just one thing. Perhaps it ‘ s checking your email. Or doing some research on a weekend away. Or shopping for a dress for your friend ‘ s wedding. You will be amazed at how doing just one thing can give you the energy to get out of bed.

Remember, choose something that you really like to do because if you try to do something that you feel like you MUST do, instead of WANT to do, then you will fail and feel worse about everything.

So, choose one thing that you like to do, something you can do from your bed. And do it.

#3 – Have sex.

There are two things that happen when you have sex. The first is that you feel emotionally connected to someone and the second is that your orgasm generates all sorts of feel good chemicals – chemicals that once again counteract that depressed feeling.

The other thing that happens is that sex keeps your mind off your depression and an excellent way to get rid of depression is to ignore it completely. Without your attention depression tends to slink away, unhappy that it isn ‘ t occupying your every

thought.
So, you are already in bed. Have sex. It will be fun!

#4 – Be kind to yourself.

Okay. You are depressed. And it sucks. But it is what it is. But don ‘ t judge yourself for it. Don ‘ t think that you are a horrible person because you can ‘ t fight this off. Don ‘ t think you are a loser because your sadness has brought you way down.

Instead, recognize that you are depressed and that you will have to ride it out. That getting depressed is something that is a part of your life and that you are not alone. Many people suffer from depression and it ‘ s not a sign of weakness. In fact, those who deal with depression are often far stronger than those who don ‘ t because life is just a little harder for us.

So, be kind to yourself. Recognize that this depression will pass and that you will become your old self again. You just need to use your coping skills to ride it out. You have gotten through it before and will get through it again.

#5 – Just get the $*% out of bed.

I know, I know, the inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, and nothing else works to change that, just GET OUT OF IT!

I know it seems impossible but if you can just do it you will be amazed at how much it can help your mood.

Once you are out of bed it ‘ s important that you stay out of bed. People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed once they have freed themselves from it.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattress with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed.

Because, out of bed, it ‘ s way more likely that you will actually be able to do something other than lay around, ruminating about how horrible you feel.

Go make coffee. Take the dog for a walk. Make your bed. Even if it doesn ‘ t lead to doing another thing, at least you got one thing done!

Feeling so depressed that you can ‘ t get out of bed is a horrible thing.

Hopefully, for you, it is a thing that will pass and life will go on.

Unfortunately, for some people, being so depressed that you can ‘ t get out of bed is something that happens regularly. Without attention it will keep happening.

It ‘ s important that if you are often feeling so depressed that you can ‘ t get out of your bed then it ‘ s important that you do one more thing:

#6 – Call your primary care doctor.

For people who are chronically laid low in bed by depression, it is important that you pick up the phone and call your primary care doctor.

Tell her that you are depressed and ask for her help in dealing with it. You might have chemical depression which can be helped with medication and therapy.

If your depression is taking over your life and keeping you in bed, call your doctor right away. You will be glad you did.

Are you feeling too depressed to get out of bed?
Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

5 Ways Relationship Boundaries And Expectations Can Hurt Your Relationship

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Relationship boundaries and expectations are often talked about as the key to successful relationships. What isn ‘ t often addressed is that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship also.

Good relationship boundaries include the following: spending time apart, neither one of you being in charge, being flexible, displaying respect for each other, and staying yourself in the relationship. All of these sound great, right?

So, how is that possible? That something meant to make a relationship strong can also serve to weaken it?

Let me tell you ‘ ¦

#1 – You don ‘ t communicate clearly.

Relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship if they aren ‘ t communicated clearly to each other.

Imagine that for you to be happy in a relationship you need to spend time alone but you don ‘ t tell your partner that it ‘ s important for you. That spending time alone only enhances your feelings for your partner and improves your relationship.

Imagine how your need to be alone might make your partner feel? Perhaps your partner thinks that your need to be alone is a negative reflection of how you feel about them. Perhaps when you are off alone your partner is worried and miserable.

Can you see how that might not be so great for your relationship?

So, make sure that you and your partner set boundaries and expectations together and that you both understand clearly what they are.

#2 – Your expectations don ‘ t match.

Another way that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship is if your boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match.

Let ‘ s say that you both know how important it is for you to remain yourself in a relationship. That if you aren ‘ t yourself you just don ‘ t feel happy, alone or together. But what if your partner believes that individuals in couples should work hard to change for the other person. That the individual no longer matters, only the couple.

If relationship boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match in a relationship, the relationship will be doomed unless both parties are willing to work together to make things work both of them.

#3 – Spending time apart doesn ‘ t work for everyone.

Spending time alone in relationship is a very important part of it being healthy. Couples who can enjoy time apart are usually very happy to come back together.

This is not always the case for some couples. Some individuals really struggle when they can ‘ t be with their partner. They are happy that their partner is doing his own thing but they are paralyzed by missing him. They do not take the opportunity to get out and do their own thing but instead sit at home, sad and growing resentful.

So, if one person can ‘ t handle the being alone part it can be very damaging to a relationship. If that occurs, work together to figure out a way for you to spend time on your own in a way that won ‘ t hurt your partner. Maybe do it around times when they already have plans. Or when they are away for work.

Spending time alone is important. Try hard to make it happen.

#4 – No one is in charge.

Making sure that no one person is in charge of a relationship is a key relationship boundary that keeps relationships happy. But it can also be fraught with issues.

When no one is captain of the ship it is possible for the ship to founder. If crew members are left on their own to make decisions independently, without taking into account the other crew members, disaster can happen.

The same can happen with relationships. When no one takes the lead in any one area, such as planning social events or doing work on the house, then, more likely than not, nothing will happen. And, when nothing happens, a relationship can get stagnant and stale pretty quickly.

So, divide and conquer. If something has to happen put one person in charge of taking the lead. It doesn ‘ t have to apply to everything, just the one event that is being addressed.

Don ‘ t let lack of leadership be a bad thing in your relationship.

#5 – You are your own person at the expense of the relationship.

Yes, being your own person in a relationship is very important. No one can be happy if they aren ‘ t being who they truly are.

Unfortunately, the need to be your own person can interfere with the health of a relationship.

In my marriage we had a struggle with this issue. I was the kind of person who was always polite and kind but also insisted on speaking my truth about what I wanted and confronting issues up front.

My ex, and his family, definitely didn ‘ t prescribe to my philosophy. They believed in fitting in with a crowd, going along with what the group wanted to do. They never addressed issues head on but rather said nothing, hoping it would all go away.

The struggle between me needing to be me and the needs of my ex-husband and his family was a profound one that ultimately led to the end of our marriage, I believe.

So, work hard to stay true to yourself in relationship but make sure that if it brings up any issues you are ready to face them head on with your partner before they ruin your relationship.

Good for you for wanting to keep your relationship healthy and doing the research, reading about boundaries and deciding how to apply them to your behaviors and your relationship. That is great work and should be applauded.

BUT, remember, if you don ‘ t share what you learned with your partner and tell them how you are going to apply them to your actions in relationship then you are doomed from the start.

Your partner might not understand why your behaviors are different or that they don ‘ t line up with his. Why is flexibility and respect so important to you? Why are you leaving him alone and insisting on being yourself? And if he doesn ‘ t understand that can definitely hurt a relationship.

So, set healthy relationship boundaries and expectations together and continually work to make sure they are helping your relationship and not hurting them!

Are you struggling with relationship boundaries and expectations?
They can be challenging. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

5 Things You Should Know about Having an Affair if You are Considering Having One

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So, you are thinking about having an affair.

You didn ‘ t go looking to have one but you have met a certain someone who rocks your world. The feelings you have for him are like none you have ever had before so it would be wrong to deny those feelings. Right?

Sound familiar?

To the uninitiated, having an affair is all about the sex. Don ‘ t get me wrong. Affairs ARE about sex. Wonderful, illicit, mind-blowing sex. But they are also about so much more.

What else, you ask?

Hold on, because what you are about to read might surprise you.

#1 – It will wake you up in a big way.

Affairs don ‘ t happen in a void. People who have affairs are often stuck in long-term, unhappy relationships. Sex is nonexistent, communication has broken down and love is dead.

Then, out of nowhere, someone new appears and changes everything.

I have a client who thought her life was fine. She wasn ‘ t happy but she didn ‘ t feel like the absence of love and sex was important to her. She had her kids and her friends and her work and, really, what else could a 40-year-old want?

Until she met him… and he totally got her! They could spend hours talking about everything and understood each other perfectly. He thought she was beautiful and told her so every text he sent her. Just thinking about him got her body tingling. And when they ultimately had sex. Boom!

She had been sleepwalking for years. Getting older every day, just being fine. No longer. She was awake. Every single-bitty part of her was wide awake.

#2 – You will have the best sex of your life.

Affair sex is sex of the likes of which you have never had before in your life. It’s better than anything you could ever imagine.

Affair sex is a drug ‘ ” a highly addictive, legal, potentially lethal drug. And once you have a hit, there is no going back.

Why?

Emotional connection marks the beginning of affairs, ones that can be months or years in the making. And that kind of extended emotional foreplay can only lead to intense sexual connection. Certainly, more intense than anything you have had recently or ever.

The sex is illicit. No matter how old we are, doing things that we aren ‘ t supposed to do is fun. I know someone who perfected the art of having sex in the pantry. No sheets needed to be changed and there were lots of fun walls and doors to be put to full use. The experimentation was the best part.

And then there are the orgasms. Our lives are dull, routine, chaotic, and jam-packed. The dopamine high from an orgasmcan last more than 5 hours. Imagine how much better grocery shopping or conference calls are when you are experiencing an orgasm high as well.

Once you have had affair sex, it ‘ s virtually impossible to stop. And this is why people can ‘ t walk away from it and they risk everything to have it. Everything.

#3 – You will be broken down into a million little pieces.

Affairs at the beginning are more exciting than anything you could ever have imagined. And then, not so much.

One of my clients had an affair with a stay-at-home dad. They had known each other for years and, one day, she needed him and he was there for her. Everything changed.

There was a new electricity between them that was addictive. And try as they might to not let it get physical, it did. It did over and over and over again. It was so much better than married people sex and neither one of them could get enough of it.

Soon the addiction of their affair started disrupting their lives. They would show up late to school functions because they had been squeezing in a quickie. Or they would manufacture late-night runs to the grocery store to spend time together.

Their relationships with their friends, at work, with their children and, of course, with their spouses suffered.

They tried to break it off. They knew the destruction it was causing. But, they just couldn ‘ t let go of the way that they felt when they were together.

My client hated herself. The tug of war between the emotional, sexual woman who she was in the throes of the affair and the person she was as a wife and a mother was killing her. She lost 20 pounds, stopped sleeping, cut off her friends, and ultimately had a nervous breakdown.

The thing that started off so magically almost killed her.

#4 – It will be almost impossible to walk away.

Many people enter into affairs thinking that it will be brief thing. ‘ ˜We will just have sex once and that will be it ‘ is often the thought process.

Unfortunately, once you have started an affair it is almost impossible to walk away from it. Once you have sex with another man, once you have crossed that threshold, there will be no turning back.

The person who you are in the affair, the one who is loved and loving, who is having great sex, who is appreciated and taken care of, the one who feels alive for the first time in years, will do anything to not have to go back to being the person they were before.

As a result, affairs often last until someone is caught because breaking away is virtually impossible. You might succeed for a few weeks or months but staying away is very hard. Personally, I don ‘ t know anyone who has succeeded, unless they are caught, and even then it’s very difficult.

#5 – It will change your life in a big way, in more ways than one.

When someone finally starts noticing who they are in the world, they start recognizing not only the need for a big change.

A client of mine had been miserable in her marriage for a long time. She tells the story about the first time a friend told her to leave her husband as they were driving their sons home from preschool. Their sons are now sophomores in college.

She fell madly in love ‘ ” and lust ‘ ” with a man she worked with. She went through the incredible highs, sure she had found the love of her life, and then, ultimately, she crashed and burned because that great love turned out to be just another man. Before she knew it, she had lost a year of her life and of her children ‘ s life. She was wrecked.

She did see, at the end of that year, having lived through the joys and the pain of love, lust, and deep emotion, that she had to leave her husband. The words that wouldn ‘ t come out of her mouth for 20 years came out readily ‘ ” and with conviction.

She knew that she would die, literally and figuratively, if she didn ‘ t get rid of the toxic men in her life and start building a life that would feed her soul. Her affair, and it ‘ s after-effects, gave her the power to do that.

If you are considering having an affair, think carefully before you do.

While affairs seem like they are all about sex, they are so much more. They will build you up and then tear you down in a way you could never have imagined.

You will become addicted to and obsessed with your affair in a way you have never been obsessed before.

Your affair will, in more ways than one, change your life forever.

So, tread lightly, my friend, and be careful. I know he seems like your soulmate but really, he is just another man. Do you want to risk your life for him?

Are you considering having an affair?
Think it through first and let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

What It Means When You Wake Up Feeling Depressed For No Reason

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Was it that kind of morning for you? Did you wake up feeling depressed for no reason AGAIN? Is this becoming a pattern and are you wondering why?

Is your life going along pretty great? Are you happy with your relationships, your job, your health? And yet, for some reason, you are still feelingdepressed?

If the answer is yes, then there are a few things that you can do to try and figure out what is going on. Getting past depression is important and knowing the cause is an important part of doing so.

#1 – Take note of the view out your window.

What time of year is it when you are reading this article? Summer? Winter? Fall? Spring. Believe it or not, the time of year can greatly affect your moods, maybe even contribute to why you wake up feeling depressed for no reason.

Seasonal Affective Disorder is a depressive disorder caused by the change of seasons. Some people get depressed because of the reduced daylight hours. Some people because of the temperature changes. Everyone affected by SAD finds themselves sad without something being wrong.

Fall is a hard time for me because my kids go back to school and the days start getting shorter. If I don ‘ t pay attention I often find myself deeply depressed, even if everything else is great.

How do you deal with SAD? The most effective way is with afull spectrum lamp. The lamp will help your body tolerate the change in seasons by exposing it to full spectrum light.

Another thing to ask yourself is if something painful happened to you this same time of year in another year. I know that every year in early June I get very depressed because it is the anniversary of my mother ‘ s death. Sometimes it creeps up on me and I don ‘ t even know it.

Anticipating anniversaries that might be fraught with emotion is a good way to keep the SAD at bay because you can take steps to deal with what might make you sad. I make sure I do something that reminds me of my mom before the anniversary of her death and it has really helped me manage the pain of the loss so that it doesn ‘ t bring me down.

#2 – Get your thyroid and Vitamin D levels checked.

Two major causes of depression can be thyroid hormone levels that are off and low vitamin D.

When our thyroid hormone levels are off a variety of symptoms can arise. One of them is depression. Many of my clients who come to me complaining of depressive feelings often end up having thyroid disorders.

Vitamin D deficiency is also one of the major causes of depression. Because of the prevalence of sunscreen use, and a significant shortage of sunshine during some parts of the year, many Americans don ‘ t get enough sun. The sun is the only way for a human being to get Vitamin D (other than fortified milk and orange juice) so sun deficiency means a Vitamin D deficiency and Vitamin D deficiency leads to depression.

Fortunately, in both cases, testing is easy – a simple blood test – and treatment involves taking a pill.

So, if you’re suddenly feeling depressed for no reason call your primary care doctor and get your blood checked right away.

#3 – Make sure you are taking good care of yourself.

Are you eating well? Getting exercise? Spending time with friends? Taking care of your hygiene?

If not, this could be the cause of yourdepression.

Taking care of our mental and physical bodies is a key to mental and physical health. If you don ‘ t take care of yourself, but instead live on wine and ice cream, eventually your body is going to react.

A body that isn ‘ t well fed or exercised will start to turn on itself, causing all sort of debilitating issues. One of those issues is depression.

So, if you find that you’re suddenly feeling depressed for no reason, examine how you are taking care of yourself. If you are not doing a good job try to make a change. You might find your depression lifts if you do.

#4 – Know about thedifferentkinds of depression.

Diagnostically, are two basic kinds of depression: situational depression and chemical depression. They have similar symptoms but different causes.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are chemically depressed is to ask yourself some questions. They are:

  • Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
  • Are you moreirritable than usual?
  • Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
  • Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
  • Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
  • Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
  • Are you more anxious than you used to be?
  • Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
  • Do you have a hard timefocusing?
  • Do you think about committing suicide?
  • Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches.

If you answered yes to any, or all, of these questions you might be struggling with chemical depression.

#5 – Reach out for help.

Regardless of what kind ofdepression you are struggling with, situational or chemical depression, it is important that you reach out for help.

See your primary care doctor right away about your depression. Tell them honestly about your symptoms so that they can treat you.

Many people struggle with the embarrassment of depression. They think that they should be able to suck it up and just deal, like everybody else. Well, let me tell you that a significant portion of Americans deal with depression and many of them don ‘ t just suck it up. They either self-medicate with food or alcohol or they get treatment from a professional.

Guess which one is better for you.

If you wake up feeling depressed for no reason again tomorrow, talk to your primary care doctor. Feeling lethargic, unmotivated, sad and angry can be debilitating and you don ‘ t want it to overtake your life.

Whatever you do, don ‘ t ignore thedepression and hope it goes away. Consider where you are today, have your hormone and vitamin D levels checked, take care of yourself mentally and physically and check in to see if you might be chemically depressed.

The most important thing is not to go it alone. Get some professional help. Depression will get worse the longer it goes untreated so nipping it in the bud is essential.

Are you waking up depressed for no reason?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

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