5 Ways to Forgive Someone Who Has Had an Affair

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If you have just found out that your partner has cheated, I am guessing that you are asking yourself how to forgive someone who has had an affair.

I mean, your person has betrayed you. The person you love and want to be with has been with someone else.

And you wonder if you will ever be able to get past it. Ever be able to be happy with your person again.

I can tell you that it is possible to forgive someone who has had an affair, but that it will take some time and effort.

If forgiveness is something that you actively seek, here are 5 things that you can do to get there.

#1 – Ask yourself if and why you really want this.

You have been betrayed. You are devastated. You are angry. You are sad.

And you probably want, more than anything, to go back to that time when you didn ‘ t know your partner had cheated because you were happy then.

So, let me ask you, are you seeking to forgive your partner so that your life can get back to normal? Or are you seeking to forgive your partner because you want to move forward with your partner toward a healthy relationship?

Forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean burying your head in the sand so that you can get back to the way things were. Doing so will only prolong your pain and any chance of recovery.

Once you are clear on why you want to work to forgive, it is important that you decide whether or not forgiveness is something that you are determined to achieve. This process won ‘ t be easy, and it ‘ s going to take determination and work to get to that place where you can forgive and move forward.

So, take a good hard look at whether you think you can get to a place of forgiveness. You might find that you aren ‘ t sure if you can get there yet but that you are ok taking the first steps down the road. Take it one step at a time, reevaluating as you go along if forgiveness is possible.

#2 – Talk to your partner ‘ ¦

It is essential that you and your partner discuss what has happened.

There has been a betrayal, and there is a serious breach of trust between the two of you. And for you to be able to move forward, your partner needs to acknowledge what has happened and accept responsibility.

Many people, after they have cheated, refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of saying, ‘ ˜yes, I did it, ‘ they lie, they deny, they blame, they justify.

You will find it very difficult to forgive someone who doesn ‘ t acknowledge their actions and the effect that it has had on you.

It is essential that you and your partner are able to talk honestly about what happened so that can have the opportunity to forgive. If your partner doubles down and refuses to discuss it, you will be left with nothing but questions and pain, which will make forgiveness impossible.

#3 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t ask for details.

I have a client who, once she found out that her husband was having an affair, insisted that he let her read all of the correspondence between him and his lover. Boy, did she regret it?

On top of the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her, after reading the texts, she had insight into the intimacies they shared. His declaration that he needed to be with his lover, his lover saying deprecating things about my client, their plans for going away together, and talk of the future were all devastating to see.

And once she had seen them, she could never unsee them.

What happened next? Even though she wanted to forgive him, even though he was willing to take responsibility for what happened, and even though they sought help, the words that she read stayed in her head, playing themselves over and over and over. As a result, she was never able to reach the forgiveness that they both hoped she would achieve and their marriage ended.

So, talk to your partner but don ‘ t ask for details. If you do, you might very well regret it.

#4 – Get help.

It is important that you get help processing what happened with your partner.

You have been betrayed by the person you loved. You are most likely furious, but you are also devastated. You might even blame yourself. All of these things are things that, if left unmanaged, can hinder your ability to forgive and only plunge you down into a darker place.

I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist or a life coach, to process what has happened, to take a look at your role in it, to define steps that you, personally, need to take to work through this and to hold yourself accountable to do so.

If you actively want to forgive someone who has had an affair, get some help. Don ‘ t just talk to your friends about what happened. They will tell you what you want to hear, which won ‘ t help you move forward and might even hinder it.

#5 – Consider couple ‘ s counseling.

Ok, you have decided that you are going to work to try to forgive your partner for what happened. You have talked about it together, and you have done some work on your own to process what you are going through and how to take care of yourself.

Now comes this very important part. Counseling.

Ugh, I know. Counseling sounds so horrible, and for many people, the embarrassment around an affair is enough to make them avoid therapy at all costs.

But, the affair didn ‘ t happen in a void. There was something missing or amiss in your relationship that opened up the door for cheating. And this thing is important to identify.

Furthermore, a therapist can help the betrayer understand how the betrayed feels, which I have found is a key to forgiveness – knowing that the person truly understands the effect the cheating had on them.

I know that your instinct is to try to work through this together without help. I am guessing that your partner, particularly, doesn ‘ t want to go down this road with a professional but getting some guidance when working through this is the key to being able to forgive someone who has had an affair.

Learning how to forgive someone who has had an affair is not an easy thing.

What has happened is big – almost like a death – and dealing with it will take time and work.

Not everyone can reach a place of forgiveness, and if that is you, it ‘ s ok. It ‘ s ok to want to move forward alone, so don ‘ t judge yourself for deciding to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to forgive and move forward, it ‘ s definitely worth trying, so go for it! You might just find a happier, healthier relationship on the other side!

Am I Depressed or Just Sad? 5 Key Signs To Watch For

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Many of us, when we are feeling down about our lives or ourselves, wonder if we are depressed or just sad. Should we be worried about our mood or should we just ride it out? ‘

There is a fine line between being sad and being depressed. Knowing the differences is key to knowing how to manage and treat how you are feeling.

While there are many different variations of depression, there are two fundamental forms. Chemical depression, is depression caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, one that is often genetic or the result of trauma. Situational depression is usually a short-term sadness, often brought on by a life event.

Which one are you struggling with? There are some ways to tell.

Here are 5 Signs To Know That You Are Depressed Or Just Sad:

#1 – Has something happened?

One way to tell if you are depressed or just sad is to consider what is happening in your life right now.

Has your dog died? Is a parent sick? Have you lost your job? Did you have a car accident?

Sometimes, life events happen that make us feel overwhelmed and sad. It happens. And the result of those life events can cause situational depression, a short-term feeling of depression, one that feels bad but will most likely pass.

The key thing to ask yourself, if you are wondering if you are depressed or just sad, is if you felt this way before this thing, or things, happened or did your mood change because of the event. If you were fine before the event happened, then you are most likely just sad and the depression will pass with time.

If you were feeling this way before, you just might be dealing with chemical depression so read on!

#2 – Have you been feeling down for a while?

Of course, after your dog dies, you are going to feel sad for a while. Just looking at the chair that they slept on can send you down into a dark hole. But, with time, while the pain and sadness is still there, it will ease and you will be able to go on with your life.

If you find that you aren ‘ t feeling better with time but in fact are feeling the same or worse, then it could be that you are dealing with a chemical depression. Depression is caused by something more systemic than a life event.

So, try to look back on the past few days, weeks, months and years and see where your moods have been. Have you been up and down, as life throws its curveballs at you, or do you find that you have been down more often than up?

If you can ‘ t remember how the past period of time has been, start keeping a mood chart. Keep track, on a daily basis, of how your mood is.

On a scale of 1-10, keep track of where your mood is each day, 10 being great, and 1 being horrible. This way, you will have a record of your moods, and you can watch what happens to them.

If you are consistently below a 5, then that ‘ s a piece of information. If you are up and down the whole spectrum, that ‘ s another piece of information.

You can use this information to help yourself, your doctor or your friends understand what is happening with your moods so that you can figure out how to deal with them.

#3 – Are you feeling hopeless?

The hallmark of chemical depression is hopelessness. That feeling that you will never be happy again, that you will never love or be loved, that life isn ‘ t worth living and why should you even bother, anyway. I am not saying you are suicidal (although you might be), but you are definitely questioning everything that life has to offer.

When we are struggling with sadness with situational depression, generally, our outlook isn ‘ t hopeless. When my dog died, I was sad, but I didn ‘ t struggle with questioning my life or examining my choices. I was just sad that she wasn ‘ t here with me, and I missed her. I miss her still, but now I have a cat, and I am happy.

So, if you find that you are struggling with hopelessness and despair, you might consider that you are struggling with more than just sadness and that it ‘ s time to get help.

#4 – Is it getting worse?

Depression gets worse the longer it goes untreated. It ‘ s a sad fact, but it ‘ s true.

Do you find that your depression is worsening over time? Has it come and gone in recent years but are you finding that it is present more often than not? Are you finding it harder to deal with than before?

Usually, when we are sad, our sadness doesn ‘ t progressively get worse. Instead, it gets better. When my mom died, the first few weeks and months were incredibly painful. I was sad sad, sad. But, as life has gone on and time has passed, my sadness has lessened. Yes, I still have moments when I am deeply sad but that sadness passes. It certainly hasn ‘ t gotten worse.

If you find that your down mood is getting worse and not better, you might definitely be struggling with depression and learning how to manage it is important.

#5 – Does depression run in your family?

In my family, depression goes back generations. My great-grandfather was institutionalized for 40 years and my grandfather was subjected to horrific treatments in the 50 ‘ s. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 42 and learned then that, in many cases, depression, and other mood disorders, are passed down in the family.

Of course, families can struggle with situational depression. My siblings and my kids were as devastated as I was about my mom ‘ s death and we all struggled. But we have all been able to move forward and not have the sadness affect our lives.

Consider your family. Does your mother or your sister struggle with their moods? Does your dad get angry easily or your child disappear into their rooms some days? It is very likely that, if someone else in your family struggles like you do, then you very well might be chemically depressed and it might be time to get help.

Knowing if you are depressed or just sad is a key part to figuring out how to manage it.

If you find that nothing significant has happened in your life, that your hopelessness has been with you for a while and is getting worse, and if mood disorders run in your family, then you might be struggling with chemical depression. And if you are dealing with chemical depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to see what kind of treatment they might recommend to help you manage it.

If you are sad because of a recent loss in your life or something that has happened but your sadness hasn ‘ t lasted for a long time or is getting worse, then you might be dealing with situational depression. I would encourage you to take care of yourself, eat and sleep well, exercise and see if it passes with time.

If it doesn ‘ t, again, reach out to your primary care doctor and see what they might recommend to help you get through this rough period of time.

Depression and sadness don ‘ t have to hold you back from living your life! Face them head on, learn how to manage them and move forward. You will be ok!

How to let Go of a Married Man, Even if You Still Love Him

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Are you wondering how to let go of a married man, someone you are madly in love with but who is hurting you over and over and over?

If you have been looking around online, you have probably discovered that there are millions of chat boards devoted to just this topic. And they don ‘ t make you hopeful.

The question at hand is: will your guy ever leave his wife and, if he doesn ‘ t, what to do about it and how to let go if you decide to leave?

Knowing ahead of time how to let go of a married man will help you take that big step to let go so that you can be happy and find love again.

#1 – Be honest with yourself.

Ok, here you are, reading this article, so you must be thinking about leaving your guy.

Why? I am guessing the reasons are something like this:

  • He keeps breaking his promises
  • He couldn ‘ t be there on your birthday
  • You never get to go out anywhere
  • He puts his family first
  • You are lonely
  • You feel horrible about yourself.

Do any of these reasons sound familiar? I am guessing that you have had some version of each of them almost daily since this whole thing began.

It is time for you to start really paying attention to these thoughts, to truly be honest with yourself about the future of your relationship with this man. Yes, you love him but do you truly see the happily ever after up ahead?

I would encourage you to take written stock of all of the hurts and broken promises. Seeing them in a list will make it even clearer to you why you must leave your guy, for once and for all.

Be honest with yourself. It ‘ s time.

#2 – Cut him off.

There is only one way that you will be successful at letting go of your guy. And that is if you cut him off completely.

Cut him off on all social media, block him on your phone, absolutely no sex, no late night supportive conversations. No ‘ ˜just being friends. ‘ Nothing.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes being confident that you can do this because it is key!

Your married guy isn ‘ t going to want to let you go. I mean, why would he with the sex and support that you give him? And because of this, he will use every opportunity that he has to get back in with you. If you leave the door open a crack, he will get it fully open before you know it.

So, if you want to succeed this time at letting go of your married man, I would encourage you to be prepared to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And when you do so, try to take it one day at a time. Don ‘ t think ‘ ˜I will never talk to him again ‘ because that will be overwhelming. Just think ‘ ˜I am not going to talk to him today. ‘ That is way more manageable.

I know it seems impossible right now but you can do it. I did and you can too.

#3 – Get to know yourself again.

I was involved with a married man once. He was ‘ ˜getting separated ‘ but it took almost a year to make that happen. And in that time, I totally lost myself.

When I met him, I was a single woman, living in New York City, running my own business and volunteering in the mental health field. I was healthy and happy and living the dream.

When he re-entered my life (I was in love with him in college), I couldn ‘ t have been more prepared for a healthy relationship so I thought I would be just fine waiting for him to leave.

Boy, was I wrong.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I totally lost who I was. I was so distracted by the situation that I couldn ‘ t focus on my business, my health failed, my depression soared and it felt like my life was falling apart.

The first thing that I did when I managed to finally go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him was to do something that I used to love doing – taking a road trip!

I packed up my car and drove down to North Carolina where I spent a few days with a friend. The adventure kept my mind busy and helped me remember the woman I had been before. The happy, hot, self-confident woman who could the world.

Getting to know that person again made me strong enough to continue to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him and start to build my life again.

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

I am guessing that, over the time you have been with your married man, you have separated yourself, to some degree, from those who love you.

The time that you spent, waiting near your phone, in case your guy called you. The time that you didn ‘ t schedule things to do with people because you wanted to be available in case your guy was. The time that you didn ‘ t spend with your friends because they didn ‘ t want to hear any more about your married guy.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes spending time with people you love, as often as possible. Not only will doing so keep your mind busy, so that you aren ‘ t obsessing about your guy, but it will help you touch base again with the amazing person who you are.

And your friends will be so thrilled that you have your head on straight that they will be happy to join you on all of those adventures that you are ready to take.

#5 – Believe that you will love again.

I am guessing that this is the number one thing that is holding you back from letting go of your married guy. The fear that, if you do, you will never be loved again.

I am guessing that you might no longer believe that your guy is your soul mate – I mean how could a soul mate hurt you so much? But he is someone you love and someone who you have invested a lot of your precious time. The idea of starting over is daunting.

What I can promise you is this – if you stay with your married guy, how your life is right now is most likely how your life will be for the foreseeable future. Can you imagine?

But, if you can extricate yourself from this relationship now, yes, you will have to put yourself out there but you are way more willing to meet a guy who will love you truly and who is ready to devote his life to you.

You will love again. Maybe even more than once. But you will love again, I promise!

Knowing how to let go of a married man is the number one way to actually make it happen.

Much like we must prepare for a test or a life event, knowing the steps that you will have to take to do the hard task will prepare you for doing it. Knowing what is ahead might not make it all seem so daunting.

With that in mind, be honest with yourself about the relationship. Be prepared to cut him off immediately. Renew your relationship with yourself, and your friends and family, and know that you will love, and be loved, again.

I know it seems impossible but you can do it! I did and I am truly living happily ever after!

5 Things To Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating

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Ok, so you have a hunch, and you suspect your spouse is cheating.

Or perhaps someone has told you something that has led you to believe that it might be true.

Either way, you suspect your spouse is cheating, and you are probably devastated and scared and feeling lost and shocked and angry and more. Your emotions are all over the place, and you most likely aren ‘ t thinking clearly.

I am guessing you could use some help, so here I am.

I will share with you 5 things to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating so that you can move forward in a healthy way.

#1 – Consider the source.

If someone has told you that they suspect that your spouse is cheating, for whatever reason, consider the source.

Is the person sharing this info someone you love and trust, or is it someone who might have an agenda?

The difference here is important to know – one of those people is looking out for you, and one of those people might be looking out for themselves. So, if they are the second kind of person, listen to what they say with a grain of salt!

On the other hand, if you suspect that your spouse is cheating because your gut is telling you so, think carefully. Is your gut usually right in these instances, or are you someone who goes to that worst place easily? Do you have trust issues from past relationships? Does your gut have any real reason to go to that place, or is it just a natural inclination of yours?

Whether it’s another person or your gut that is telling you that your spouse is cheating, it ‘ s important to pay attention to that source and make sure their intentions are good and based on some truth.

#2 – Don ‘ t snoop.

I know right now you are DYING to snoop. You have suspicions, and you need to find out everything that you can to confirm.

DON ‘ T.

I have a client who believed that her husband was having an affair and she snooped. She went onto his email and his phone and his Instagram, and his Messenger. And there she found evidence that he was, in fact, having an affair.

What she also found in her snooping was way more information than she needed. She learned about specific things they did, read the words they said to each other, read unkind things the other woman said about her and more. It was awful.

‘ ˜I wish I hadn ‘ t snooped, ‘ she said. ‘ ˜I can ‘ t unsee what I saw and it ‘ s making it really hard for me to work through it. ‘

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, I would highly recommend that you don ‘ t snoop, but you face the situation head-on. What you might find might be more than you can handle. I know it was for my client.

#3 – Ask them directly.

This piece of what to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating is very important. It is very important that you sit down across from your person, look them in the eye and tell them what you know/think. Try to do it calmly and watch their expression carefully.

It would take an amazing actor to be able to deny an affair when their spouse puts it so calmly and clearly. And that is why you want to be looking them in the face – so that you can read their reaction because it might just be a fleeting one. For just a few seconds, their guilt will be written across their face.

If, in the midst of a fight, you throw out that you suspect the affair, emotions will already be heightened, and you won ‘ t be able to read your partner. Alternately, if you take the passive-aggressive route, where you fish around for answers, you are just going to frustrate your person, and they will be ready for you if you ever ask directly.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, ask them as soon as possible. If you do, you won ‘ t have to sit around obsessing and you can get your answers and figure out what to do next

#4 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

There is a phenomenon in the world of infidelity that looks like this – the partner being cheated on takes all the blame for what has happened.

They blame themselves for not being good enough or pretty enough or attentive enough or worthy of love. They blame themselves for being stupid and ignorant and missing the signs. They believe that if they confront their partner, all of those things will be true.

I am here to tell you that what has happened is not your fault. Yes, there are two people in every relationship and each of them has a role in it ‘ issues, but you weren ‘ t the one who found someone else and cheated. You are the one who stayed even if the going was hard.

So, don ‘ t be hard on yourself. Don ‘ t let your fears and self-blame prevent you from confronting what has happened. As a matter of fact, if you do confront the issue head on you will prove to yourself that you aren ‘ t weak, that you respect yourself and that you have the strength to take on, head first, a very difficult and devastating situation.

#5 – Don ‘ t spread the news.

A client of mine discovered some emails that another woman had written to her husband six months earlier. They were declarations of love, playful banter and a tearful goodbye when they had to part. She called her husband out on them. He denied it completely but went home and deleted all emails immediately.

When she asked him why he deleted the emails he said that he couldn ‘ t abide the thought of her sharing those emails with her friends.

I know that if you suspect your spouse is cheating, you will need some support to process it. And I encourage that. But don ‘ t be the person who gets up at a dinner party and announces the infidelity to the world. That isn ‘ t going to help anyone.

Instead, keep what is happening between the two of you and your closest support system. Ask them to keep it to themselves.

These things get bigger and uglier the more oxygen is exposed to them, and the goal is not to let this situation spin out of control but to keep it in a manageable size so that you can work through it and come out the other side intact.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, you are probably feeling like your world has ended.

Don ‘ t get me wrong – things are bad – but I also know that you can work through this.

Make sure, before you go too far down the path of suspicion, that you consider if the source is trustworthy. Don ‘ t snoop, and be direct. Do not blame yourself, and keep what has happened close.

If your partner is cheating, you are going to have a lot to deal with in the near future. Doing these things will help you get through what is happening quicker, whether it’s towards healing or walking away.

So, pause and take a deep breath. You will figure this out. One step at a time.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Feeling Insecure in a Relationship is a Red Flag

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Are you feeling insecure in your relationship and wondering if it ‘ s a red flag?

Did you start out feeling confident, but have you, over time, started questioning yourself in the relationship and how and why things are happening the way they are happening?

Do you find yourself doing anything you can to feel more secure in the relationship, to no avail?

If you are feeling insecure in a relationship, there can be many reasons why. Most of them are, I am afraid, red flags, so being aware of that is very important for your future happiness, whether in this relationship or another.

Here are 5 reasons why feeling insecure in a relationship might be a red flag.

#1 -You aren ‘ t being treated well.

Ask yourself this question – are you being treated well in this relationship?

Does your person show up when they say they are going to? Are they honest with you? Do they treat you with respect? Do they include you in activities that they enjoy doing?

If your answer to any of these questions is no, you are not being treated well. And not being treated well can make someone insecure to the extreme, especially if you were being treated well at the beginning of the relationship.

And, needless to say, if you are not being treated well in a relationship, it ‘ s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Don ‘ t try to hold on to how things were in the beginning, trying to believe that if you only try hard enough, or hang around long enough, things can get back to the way they were. The old days are gone. And if you aren ‘ t being treated well, time to get out!

#2 – You are not being yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Are you being your true self in this relationship? Would your friends say that the person you are when you are with your partner is the person you usually are?

Many people who are feeling insecure in a relationship are so because they aren ‘ t being their authentic selves. Instead, they have twisted themselves into a pretzel, trying to be who their person wants them to be. As a result, they know, deep down, that they aren ‘ t themselves and that their partner loves someone else..

I have a client who loved to drink, and when she was with her boyfriend, who was in recovery, she didn ‘ t drink. She said that she was fine with this, but when they weren ‘ t together, she got hammered. And he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with a girl who got hammered. All of this made her feel bad about herself, and ultimately their relationship fell apart.

So, ask yourself if you are being authentic. If you aren ‘ t, you feeling insecure in a relationship might be about that, and it is a huge red flag that your relationship could fail.

#3 – You are ignoring signs.

You know when you see something very clearly but you choose to ignore it because you just don ‘ t want to deal?

Like you know that if you don ‘ t finish this project in time, you might get fired. Or if you don ‘ t apologize to your sister, things are going to get worse? Or if you know that your credit card payment is due so you hide the bill so you don ‘ t have to think about it?

All of those things won ‘ t help you feel good about yourself in any way and usually lead to feelings of insecurity.

It is the same thing in a relationship. For my client, who pretended she didn ‘ t drink when she was with her guy, she was also a pro at ignoring any signs that the relationship wasn ‘ t all that she wanted it to be.

He would say he was coming over and he would be hours late. He wouldn ‘ t answer his phone calls because he was supporting other people. He told her he didn ‘ t want a real relationship but would come over looking for sex anyway.

All of these things made her feel insecure and because she was ignoring them (and not telling me about them), they just got worse.

Ignoring the signs that things aren ‘ t good is a huge red flag that your relationship might be doomed.

#4 – You aren ‘ t listening to your friends.

How many times have you told a friend something, only to have them ignore you and do what they want anyway? Hundreds, right?

Are your friends telling you things right now that you are ignoring? Are they pointing out issues in your relationship that aren ‘ t healthy? Are they pointing out red flags that you are missing? Are they making you feel like your relationship might not be as good as you want it to be?

If you are ignoring your friends, it might be one reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your relationship is healthy, the words of your friends are always buzzing in your head, causing you to question your relationship and feel bad about yourself.

And if your friends are telling you to get the hell out of there, that is definitely a red flag!

#5 – Your life has been thrown off course.

Is your life not what it used to before this relationship began? Have you lost touch with some of your friends? Has your work suffered? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your life has been thrown off course because of the relationship that you are in?

I remember being in a relationship with someone who wouldn ‘ t commit to me. He kept on saying he would, but then he would come and go. It was making me question everything about myself. I couldn ‘ t sleep, my work suffered, and I blew off my friend, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I felt like a shell of the person I was before the relationship. And boy, was I feeling insecure as a result, especially because of the fact that I knew this unhealthy relationship was bringing me down.

So, if your life has been thrown off track by this relationship, pay attention. The insecurity that you are feeling is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.

I know that feeling insecure in a relationship does not feel good.

Relationships should be all about love and friendship and good times, not about being disrespected, not being yourself, losing your friends and your life and ignoring signs that this all indicates toxicity.

Take good stock of the things I talked about above. If there are red flags that you are ignoring in your relationship and they are making you feel insecure, do something about it. Confront it – either with your partner or on your own.

Don ‘ t waste one more minute in a relationship that makes you feel insecure. Life is too short!

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

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Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do if Your Boyfriend ‘Forgot’ Valentine’s Day

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February 14 is the most romantic of days and, in spite of its importance, your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s day, didn ‘ t he?

Instead of waking you up to chocolate or flowers or words of affirmation or a nice brunch out, did your boyfriend jump out of bed, kiss you quickly and head out for a run, returning with bagels and a paper and not a word about what day it was.

Are you left feeling angry and hurt by his lack of recognition, the fact that he (perhaps once again) forgot Valentine ‘ s day, making your question your self-worth and whether he truly loves you?

Before you go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt, here are a few things that you can do if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, things that you can do to put it in perspective, ease the pain and maybe gain some insight.

#1 – Don ‘ t take it personally.

‘ ˜What? ‘ you say, ‘ ˜How can I not take it personally? If he loved me, he would have made an effort to do something for me. ‘

I know it sounds logical and simple, and for many women it is. But for many men, expressions of affection, whether with words or gifts, are akin to speaking Greek. Something they would love to do but something that seems overwhelming and daunting. And so, instead of owning it, they ignore it.

I have a client whose boyfriend got her NOTHING for Valentine ‘ s Day. Nothing. She was devastated. She didn ‘ t know what had happened and it made her feel badly about herself and wondering how much he cared about her. She came to learn, down the road, that he was so overcome with anxiety about what to do that he did nothing.

While she still didn ‘ t like that he did nothing, understanding that it was more about his insecurities then about his feelings for her helped her manage her disappointment.

#2 – Do be honest.

It is very important that, if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, you don ‘ t sulk. That you don ‘ t internalize the hurt and angry feelings that you have. That you don’t pretend you are cool and that it ‘ s all good and who likes Valentine ‘ s Day anyway.

In a healthy relationship, people who are hurt by their loved one have a responsibility to tell their person that they have been hurt. It ‘ s important to let them know that they have let you down. If you act like it ‘ s no big deal, two things will happen. The first is that you will continue to stew, to continue to be hurt and confused. The second is that next Valentine ‘ s Day (or your birthday or Christmas) your guy might not do anything for you once again.

I mean, if you are cool with him not doing something for you, why would he make an effort to do it?

#3 – Don ‘ t compare yourself to everyone else.

I know that it ‘ s very hard not to compare yourself to everyone and what they are doing/getting for Valentine ‘ s Day.

Every year, people on social media inundate us with pictures and stories of their most amazing Valentine ‘ s Days, coordinated with thoughtfulness and skill by their most amazing boyfriends. Pictures of fancy dinners and island destinations and engagement rings are everywhere.

And, yes, some guys are good at remembering and following through on Valentine ‘ s Day. (I am betting that, somewhere along the way, some girl didn ‘ t sulk and act cool but told those guys the truth – that they sucked at Valentine’s Day.)

That being said, there are millions of other women out in the world who are celebrating Valentine ‘ s Day with a card or a kind word or nothing at all. You are not alone. You are not the most pathetic person in the world. You are just another woman in the world, trying to make the best of life and love.

Instead of looking at what that woman got from her man, go out and get yourself something. Want some chocolate? Go get some. Some perfume or jewelry or flowers? Get some. Who needs to wait for some guy to get us something? We can take care of ourselves, take control of our emotions and not let anyone suck us down.

#4 – Do recognize that it ‘ s not the end of the world.

I know that February 14 feels very much like Valentine ‘ s Day for the whole day. All day we see signs in stores, talking about love, posts online, text from friends, chocolate filled hearts aplenty. It ‘ s everywhere and, when your boyfriend forgets Valentine ‘ s Day, the day is horrible.

That being said, don ‘ t forget that the day after Valentine ‘ s Day is just another day. Another day when life goes on. Chocolate heart candy will go on sale, to be replaced with chocolate bunnies. Just another day.

Ask yourself how your boyfriend treats you on those regular days. Does he buy you flowers or open the car door for you or take you out to dinner or rub your feet or hang out with your friends or walk the dog or make the bed or ask about your day? Does he do a million little things on those days that aren ‘ t Valentine ‘ s Day, things that might make up for the fact that he dropped the ball this one day? Things that show that he loves you truly?

Your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day definitely sucks but life and love can, and will, go on, nonetheless.

#5 – Don ‘ t be blind.

Of course, taking stock of all of the things that I said above is important but it is also VERY important that you not blindly accept what has happened on Valentine ‘ s Day, act like everything is cool and assure yourself that this guy really loves you and that he just dropped the ball.

It is possible that your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day because he just isn ‘ t that into you. It could be that he isn ‘ t the romantic type and that, no matter what you say, he will contend that Valentine ‘ s Day is ridiculous and that he will never take part in it. He could just not care about your feelings either way and not be nice to you, ever.

So, take a look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does your guy treat you well when it ‘ s not Valentine ‘ s Day? Is he the kind of romantic that you need him to be? Do you have any questions in the back of your mind that your relationship might be doomed in the long run?

There can be many reasons why your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and one of them might just be because your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and that it might be near it ‘ s end.

I know the idea sucks, and I am sorry, but it just might be the case. Be honest with yourself. Is it?

Your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and it has left you feeling angry and bereft. I totally get it.

One year my boyfriend (now ex-husband) forgot about Valentine ‘ s Day and got me some on-sale roses the next day. It felt shitty, to say the least.

But that didn ‘ t mean he didn ‘ t care about me – he just was working hard and missed the day. I told him it hurt and the next year he went out of his way and kicked ass, making it the most special day ever!

I know that some of my friends had very romantic days with their guys but really, my guy and I hung out and went to the movies which was, in it ‘ s own way, romantic because it ‘ s one of my favorite things to do.

And, the next day, like it is every year, was February 15th and life went on.

All of that being said, make sure that you take a good hard look at your relationship. Have you been making it something that it ‘ s not? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be romantic? Do you have any doubts?

It just might be that your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day might be just the wake-up call you need to get up, move on and find the love you want!

5 Reds Flags to Never Ignore if You want A Healthy Relationship

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Do you want, a healthy relationship? Is the idea of building a life with something you are actively seeking? Have you been burned in the past and not sure why? Do you want to do things differently this time around? If so, you should definitely make sure that you don’t ignore those red flags.

Red flags are those little things that you see when you are in a new relationship, things that make you pause and say ‘ ˜hmmm. ‘ Things that make you question whether this person is the right person for you. Things that are scary because you so want this relationship to work.

Unfortunately, because we do want this relationship to work, we often ignore red flags. We ignore the warning signs that present themselves to us that signal this might not the right person for us. We hope that perhaps the red flags aren ‘ t a big deal, that this person could change, and that we can live with them because other things are good.

If you want a healthy relationship, ignoring red flags is the best way to ensure that you won ‘ t get it. Ignoring red flags will keep you in an unhealthy relationship and keep you from finding the love that you want.

Here are 5 red flags that you should never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#1 – They don ‘ t get along with their family.

If you want a healthy relationship, a huge red flag is someone who doesn ‘ t get along with their family.

Of course, many of us struggle with our family. Just because they are family, it doesn ‘ t mean everyone can get along and that is fine. But if your person has been estranged from their family, if they have a toxic relationship with their parents, if their kids don ‘ t talk to them, then your person might not be capable of having a healthy relationship.

I know that many of us think that if we just love someone enough, we can help them heal from the pain caused by their family so that they can be happy. And yes, it is possible to help someone feel loved, but they are most likely deeply damaged and might have a hard time emotionally connecting.

#2 – They cheat.

I have a client whose new boyfriend has been a habitual cheater. He cheated on everyone he had ever dated and had sex with multiple lovers in the bed he shared with his wife. My client met him soon after he got divorced and fell madly in love with him.

She believed that he had changed. That he loved her so much that he would never cheat again. And then, he did. Over and over and over.

If your person is a habitual cheater, they most likely will continue to be. Even if they love you madly and you have lots of sex, a person who cheats does so for a variety of reasons, reasons that aren ‘ t going to just disappear without some help.

If your person has cheated on their ex, be careful. If they have been a habitual cheater, run away as fast as you can.

#3 – They can ‘ t hold a job.

When I met my ex, I remember stalking him on Linked In. There I learned that he had been in 4 different jobs in 5 years. I remember thinking that that looked like an issue, but I chose to ignore it. I was a life coach. If he was struggling with job security then I would be able to help him, after all.

Of course, the job security became a big issue. That he had lost so many jobs made him incredibly insecure. He was in a ton of debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle that he wanted to give his family. He had no confidence that he could do this job, or any job.

I tried to work with him to address the systemic issues that I could see around his work but to no avail. And I started to worry that becoming attached to this man might challenge me financially.

So, if your person has a problem with holding a job, tread carefully. Of course, times are tough now with Covid and the economy, but if this has been happening for a while, it is definitely a red flag!

#4 – They drink too much.

Of course, many of us drink, especially when we are early into a relationship. There is nothing more fun than sharing a few adult beverages as we have those long talks about our hopes and dreams. That being said, if your person regularly has more than a few drinks in the course of an evening, this is definitely a red flag.

People with drinking problems are people to stay away from if they want to be in a healthy relationship. People who drink too much can be physically unhealthy, financially unsound, and struggle with relationships and job security. They can be impulsive and prone to bursts of extreme emotion. They can be abusive when angered and inconsistent with their behaviour.

Furthermore, people who drink struggle with emotional connection, the key to a healthy relationship.

My ex was an alcoholic and while he was good at being physically affectionate feeling an emotional connection with him was difficult. He had started drinking when he was 15 as a way to cope with his relationship with his mother (Red Flag #1) He never had a chance to develop emotionally and therefore was unavailable for real connection. He went from woman to woman, cheating on each of them (Red Flag #2).

I tried and tried to have a healthy relationship with him, but I couldn ‘ t do it alone. He wouldn ‘ t stop drinking and I was unhappy. I had ignored that red flag at the beginning of our relationship and wished I hadn ‘ t.

#5 – They are inconsistent with their attention.

Do you have a person who comes and goes? Someone who texts for hours at a time, and then who disappears for days?

Does she proclaim her love and then hang out with other men?

Does he tell you that he needs ‘ ˜time ‘ and walk away, only to return days or weeks or months later, professing his love? And then he leaves again.

People who care about people are consistent with their attention. Why? Because they want to be. They want to show their person they care about them; they want to spend time with them, they want them to feel safe and to know that they will never abandon them. They want to make sure their person knows they love them.

So, if your person is coming and going, whether it’s electronically or in person, that is a huge red flag that you should not ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Don ‘ t think that if you just love them enough, if you just stick around long enough, they will suddenly realize they are madly in love with you and stay put. They won ‘ t.

Ignoring red flags is the best way to sabotage things if you want a healthy relationship.

I know that you really want things to work out because you are kissing a lot of frogs and you just want one to stick. But don ‘ t!

If you waste even one more minute on someone with bright red flags, you are wasting time that you could be spending finding someone who doesn ‘ t have red flags, someone who could make you happy and give you the healthy relationship that you want!

So walk away; youcan do it!

How to Let Go of Regrets in the New Year So that You Can Be Happy (2023)

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Are you, like many of us, hoping to let go of regrets in the New Year?

You know the regrets I am talking about – the ones that give you a pit in your stomach when you think about them. The regrets about choices that you did or didn ‘ t make.

Regrets can be hard to live with. Regrets make you think about the way your life could have been if only you had gone a different direction. And, unfortunately, regrets can keep us mired in the past instead of living in the now and seeing the potential of the future.

Learning how to let go of regrets is the best thing that you can do to help build the life you want.

Here are 5 ways to let go of regrets in the New Year so that you can look ahead to the potential of your life instead of being stuck in the past.

#1 – Identify them.

For many of us, we have more than one regret and those regrets are rolling around in our brains, doing nothing but causing us damage.

I am a big believer in getting things out of your head and onto paper. They say that thoughts are 4x more destructive left in your head than they are when they are out in the world. Therefore, I encourage you to sit down with a pad of paper and write out your regrets. It might not be easy but it will be the first step towards letting them go.

A few of my regrets, just for example.

  1. That I didn ‘ t choose running over badminton in 8th grade.
  2. That I didn ‘ t say yes to Shawn Miele when he asked me out to lunch.
  3. That I went to culinary school instead of the hotel management school.
  4. That we moved to Boulder instead of staying in Maine.
  5. That I didn ‘ t address my mood issues sooner.

It ‘ s interesting; writing out that list was harder than I thought. I thought that I had tons of regrets, but actually, it seems that I only have a few. That feels pretty good, actually.

#2 – Don ‘ t kid yourself.

The thing about regrets is that we are always longing for the life we might have lived if we had chosen that road instead of the one we did. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we just know that if we had made a different choice, our life would have been better.

But I don ‘ t think it ‘ s that easy. Yes, if you had chosen a different path your life might have played out differently but that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean it would have been better.

I recently read an excellent book about regrets, The Midnight Library. In it, the protagonist Nora is given a chance to live the many lives that she would have lived if she made a different choice. And yes, some things in her many lives were better, but her life definitely wasn ‘ t perfect.

In one, she was the rock star (a past regret being that she had walked away from her band), but, in that life, her brother had died of a drug overdose. In another, she was married to the man she had regretted walking away from, but, in this life, he was an alcoholic, and their marriage was a shambles. Third, she was a geologist, a career not chosen, but she was in Antarctica when her mother died.

So yes, if we had made the choices that we regret not making, our lives might have been different but perhaps not necessarily better.

I know that while I regretted moving to Boulder because I think it was the reason my marriage fell apart, I also know that, if we hadn ‘ t moved, my daughter wouldn ‘ t have found the high school that changed her life and that we wouldn ‘ t have adopted the dog who helped my son get through college.

Making that choice, I believe, changed the course of my life. While my marriage falling apart was devastating, in the end, it was all good. I have a wonderful life, and my kids are thriving.

So, look at your regrets and recognize that the life you think you might have led had you made that choice is not based on any truth but on a story you have created in your head.

#3 – Ask yourself why?

For many of us, we don ‘ t know why we made the choices that we did.

Did we do it because we were scared or because we were depressed or because others made the choice for us?

I know that for me many of my regrets have to do with a lack of self-esteem born from depression.

I didn ‘ t choose running because, in spite of being told I was excellent by the PE teacher, I didn ‘ t believe that I could do it. I chose culinary school instead of hotel management because my then boyfriend thought that was what I wanted to do. I didn ‘ t take a look at the emotional struggle I had dealt with my whole life because it just felt like too much effort.

The key part of understanding why you made the choices you did it so that, going forward, you don ‘ t make those mistakes again. You don ‘ t make choices that you regret making.

Because a key part of letting go of regrets is looking to the future and the potential that is there for you and reaching out and taking it.

I know that, since I have dealt with my depression, I make my own decisions, and I stick to them. As a result, I very much have the life that I always wanted to have. That life started at 50 years old, but I have a lot of years left, so it ‘ s ok.

#4 – Where are you in your life?

Speaking of where I am in my life, I know that now my regrets are fewer than they were in the past. I believe that it ‘ s because I am happy.

Back in the days when I wasn ‘ t living the life I wanted, when I was a stay-at-home mom with no identity of my own, in an unhappy marriage, struggling with depression and lack of follow-through, I spent a lot more time focused on my regrets.

If only I had made a different choice, my life would have been so much better.

Now, because I am happy, I can look at those regrets and recognize that the choices I made got me to where I am today. Yes, I might have wished I had a degree in hotel management, but I also know that being a life coach and growing my own business has been incredibly satisfying.

Take a look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you think that you focus on regrets because of how unhappy you are in your life? Do you constantly say, ‘ ˜If I had just made that choice instead of this one, my life would be better? ‘

I get it. I do. But what I can tell you is that, while you can ‘ t change the past, you can change the future. Try not to think of yourself as who you could have been by focusing on the past, but instead think of who you can be by seeing the potential for yourself for the future.

Because it never is too late to live the life you want. Again, I didn ‘ t find true happiness until I turned 50 when I made the decision to move to NYC and never look back. I built a life for myself full of love and success, and if I had stayed in the past, mired in my regrets, I never would have gotten there.

#5 – The Many Worlds Theory.

Ok, this one is kind of strange and feel free to skip past it if it ‘ s too much for you, but I just learned about something that I never knew before.

Some scientists who study quantum mechanics believe in the concept of the multiverse, specifically the Many Worlds theory, which posits that there isn ‘ t only this life that exists but that there are a number of other universes, in each of which we are living a different life, different lives based on choices we made.

If you follow that idea, then it is possible that there is another you, or many other yous, living the life that you might have lived had you made a different choice. That somewhere out there, I had a hotel management degree or I was an Olympic runner or I had faced my depression early on.

Somewhere out there, I am living many different lives, lives based on the choices I made.

For some reason, this idea gives me a lot of peace. The idea that the life I could have lived had I made different choices is happening somewhere that I am experiencing the things I have always wished I was experiencing makes me profoundly happy. I know I will never know what that life is, but I am happy that a different me is living it.

I know – this all sounds very far-fetched, but I wanted to share it with you in case it resonates as it does with me.

I hope that I have been helpful in showing you how to let go of regrets in the New Year.

Regrets are based on ideas in our head of how things could be, not on any kind of truth. Spending so much time focusing on the theoretical doesn ‘ t get us anywhere. In fact, it holds us back.

So, take some time to take stock of your regrets, push back on them so that you can take away some of their control over your life. Take stock of why you have them so that you don ‘ t make choices the same way again, and take a good hard look at where you are in your life and what you can do to change it.

And, finally, think about that other ‘ ˜you ‘ out there, living another life, one that isn ‘ t perfect but that is full of human fallibility and love.

Now that you know how to let go of regrets, go out there and do it!

I know you can!

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

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