How to Let Go of Regrets in the New Year So that You Can Be Happy (2023)

/by


Are you, like many of us, hoping to let go of regrets in the New Year?

You know the regrets I am talking about – the ones that give you a pit in your stomach when you think about them. The regrets about choices that you did or didn ‘ t make.

Regrets can be hard to live with. Regrets make you think about the way your life could have been if only you had gone a different direction. And, unfortunately, regrets can keep us mired in the past instead of living in the now and seeing the potential of the future.

Learning how to let go of regrets is the best thing that you can do to help build the life you want.

Here are 5 ways to let go of regrets in the New Year so that you can look ahead to the potential of your life instead of being stuck in the past.

#1 – Identify them.

For many of us, we have more than one regret and those regrets are rolling around in our brains, doing nothing but causing us damage.

I am a big believer in getting things out of your head and onto paper. They say that thoughts are 4x more destructive left in your head than they are when they are out in the world. Therefore, I encourage you to sit down with a pad of paper and write out your regrets. It might not be easy but it will be the first step towards letting them go.

A few of my regrets, just for example.

  1. That I didn ‘ t choose running over badminton in 8th grade.
  2. That I didn ‘ t say yes to Shawn Miele when he asked me out to lunch.
  3. That I went to culinary school instead of the hotel management school.
  4. That we moved to Boulder instead of staying in Maine.
  5. That I didn ‘ t address my mood issues sooner.

It ‘ s interesting; writing out that list was harder than I thought. I thought that I had tons of regrets, but actually, it seems that I only have a few. That feels pretty good, actually.

#2 – Don ‘ t kid yourself.

The thing about regrets is that we are always longing for the life we might have lived if we had chosen that road instead of the one we did. Hindsight is always 20/20, and we just know that if we had made a different choice, our life would have been better.

But I don ‘ t think it ‘ s that easy. Yes, if you had chosen a different path your life might have played out differently but that doesn ‘ t necessarily mean it would have been better.

I recently read an excellent book about regrets, The Midnight Library. In it, the protagonist Nora is given a chance to live the many lives that she would have lived if she made a different choice. And yes, some things in her many lives were better, but her life definitely wasn ‘ t perfect.

In one, she was the rock star (a past regret being that she had walked away from her band), but, in that life, her brother had died of a drug overdose. In another, she was married to the man she had regretted walking away from, but, in this life, he was an alcoholic, and their marriage was a shambles. Third, she was a geologist, a career not chosen, but she was in Antarctica when her mother died.

So yes, if we had made the choices that we regret not making, our lives might have been different but perhaps not necessarily better.

I know that while I regretted moving to Boulder because I think it was the reason my marriage fell apart, I also know that, if we hadn ‘ t moved, my daughter wouldn ‘ t have found the high school that changed her life and that we wouldn ‘ t have adopted the dog who helped my son get through college.

Making that choice, I believe, changed the course of my life. While my marriage falling apart was devastating, in the end, it was all good. I have a wonderful life, and my kids are thriving.

So, look at your regrets and recognize that the life you think you might have led had you made that choice is not based on any truth but on a story you have created in your head.

#3 – Ask yourself why?

For many of us, we don ‘ t know why we made the choices that we did.

Did we do it because we were scared or because we were depressed or because others made the choice for us?

I know that for me many of my regrets have to do with a lack of self-esteem born from depression.

I didn ‘ t choose running because, in spite of being told I was excellent by the PE teacher, I didn ‘ t believe that I could do it. I chose culinary school instead of hotel management because my then boyfriend thought that was what I wanted to do. I didn ‘ t take a look at the emotional struggle I had dealt with my whole life because it just felt like too much effort.

The key part of understanding why you made the choices you did it so that, going forward, you don ‘ t make those mistakes again. You don ‘ t make choices that you regret making.

Because a key part of letting go of regrets is looking to the future and the potential that is there for you and reaching out and taking it.

I know that, since I have dealt with my depression, I make my own decisions, and I stick to them. As a result, I very much have the life that I always wanted to have. That life started at 50 years old, but I have a lot of years left, so it ‘ s ok.

#4 – Where are you in your life?

Speaking of where I am in my life, I know that now my regrets are fewer than they were in the past. I believe that it ‘ s because I am happy.

Back in the days when I wasn ‘ t living the life I wanted, when I was a stay-at-home mom with no identity of my own, in an unhappy marriage, struggling with depression and lack of follow-through, I spent a lot more time focused on my regrets.

If only I had made a different choice, my life would have been so much better.

Now, because I am happy, I can look at those regrets and recognize that the choices I made got me to where I am today. Yes, I might have wished I had a degree in hotel management, but I also know that being a life coach and growing my own business has been incredibly satisfying.

Take a look at your life. Are you where you want to be? Do you think that you focus on regrets because of how unhappy you are in your life? Do you constantly say, ‘ ˜If I had just made that choice instead of this one, my life would be better? ‘

I get it. I do. But what I can tell you is that, while you can ‘ t change the past, you can change the future. Try not to think of yourself as who you could have been by focusing on the past, but instead think of who you can be by seeing the potential for yourself for the future.

Because it never is too late to live the life you want. Again, I didn ‘ t find true happiness until I turned 50 when I made the decision to move to NYC and never look back. I built a life for myself full of love and success, and if I had stayed in the past, mired in my regrets, I never would have gotten there.

#5 – The Many Worlds Theory.

Ok, this one is kind of strange and feel free to skip past it if it ‘ s too much for you, but I just learned about something that I never knew before.

Some scientists who study quantum mechanics believe in the concept of the multiverse, specifically the Many Worlds theory, which posits that there isn ‘ t only this life that exists but that there are a number of other universes, in each of which we are living a different life, different lives based on choices we made.

If you follow that idea, then it is possible that there is another you, or many other yous, living the life that you might have lived had you made a different choice. That somewhere out there, I had a hotel management degree or I was an Olympic runner or I had faced my depression early on.

Somewhere out there, I am living many different lives, lives based on the choices I made.

For some reason, this idea gives me a lot of peace. The idea that the life I could have lived had I made different choices is happening somewhere that I am experiencing the things I have always wished I was experiencing makes me profoundly happy. I know I will never know what that life is, but I am happy that a different me is living it.

I know – this all sounds very far-fetched, but I wanted to share it with you in case it resonates as it does with me.

I hope that I have been helpful in showing you how to let go of regrets in the New Year.

Regrets are based on ideas in our head of how things could be, not on any kind of truth. Spending so much time focusing on the theoretical doesn ‘ t get us anywhere. In fact, it holds us back.

So, take some time to take stock of your regrets, push back on them so that you can take away some of their control over your life. Take stock of why you have them so that you don ‘ t make choices the same way again, and take a good hard look at where you are in your life and what you can do to change it.

And, finally, think about that other ‘ ˜you ‘ out there, living another life, one that isn ‘ t perfect but that is full of human fallibility and love.

Now that you know how to let go of regrets, go out there and do it!

I know you can!

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

/by


Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

Why am I Feeling Sad All the Time When My Life is Good

/by


Have you been asking yourself Why am I feeling sad all the time when my life is good?

Do you feel like you have everything that you want in your life but still you feel like you are carrying a hundred pound weight on your back, that you have no interest in anything and that all you want to do is sleep?

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that I used to feel that way all the time. I lived with this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread. I tried to be agood parent but keeping my energy up was close to impossible. I tried to begreat wife but my irritability prevented that from happening. I had a great job but myperformance suffered.

This went on for years. YEARS. I thought that I was managing it, and I was. Until I wasn ‘ t.

One day, when I was 42 years old, I found myself in a closet banging my head against the wall. I had no idea what was going on.

A friend of mine scooped me up off the floor and took me to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with chemical depression. He sent me off with some medication and instructions to follow up with a therapist.

That day changed my life.

I learned that chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease. The way I was feeling was not because of some personal weakness but because my brain chemistry was letting me down. And that, treated, I was going to start enjoying my great life!

If you arefeeling sad all the time then you too could bechemically depressed. This means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes depressive symptoms without something actually being wrong.

So, what do you do if you are feeling sad all the time even if your life is good? I have some suggestions.

#1 – Ask yourself a few questions.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are chemical depressed is to ask yourself some questions. They are:

  • Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
  • Are you more irritable than usual?
  • Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
  • Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
  • Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
  • Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
  • Are you more anxious than you used to be?
  • Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
  • Do you have a hard time focusing?
  • Do you think about committing suicide?
  • Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches.

If you answered yes to any, or all, of these questions you are most likely suffering from chemical depression.

Now, ask yourself if this has happened to you before? How regularly? Does anyone else in your family struggle with depression? Were there any traumatic experiences in your life that might have affected you deeply?

If you answer YES to any of those questions you might be suffering from chemical depression.

If so, what to do next?

#2 – Don ‘ t be embarrassed.

Many people who are diagnosed with chemical depression are embarrassed. Embarrassed that they can ‘ t just ‘ suck it up. ‘ That they might have some kind of personal deficiency that makes them weak in the face of this perceived disease.

Let me tell you – You are not weak. You are not lacking something that others have that make it so that you can ‘ t ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ You are actually incredibly brave for facing this issue head on.

Again, chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease.

Chemical depression is perceived by many in society to be a personal weakness. I mean how can you feel sad all the time when your life is good? Luckily more and more people are speaking up about living with mental illness. More and more people, including many famous people, are being honest about living well with their condition and helping to eliminate the stigma about mental illness.

So, join the celebrities. Don ‘ t be embarrassed. Chemical depression is not something that you could have prevented. But it is something that you can deal with.

#3 – See your primary care doctor immediately.

If you are feeling sad even though your life is good it is important that you reach out to your primary care doctor as soon as possible to tell her about your symptoms. Seeking medical help is key to dealing with depression.

Many primary care physicians are knowledgeable about the treatment of depression and can help you with treatment right away. Some primary care doctors might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you diagnose and manage your depression.

DON ‘ T think that your doctor is going to judge you for your depression. Doctors are trained to take care of people without judgement. If you had a thyroid issue, would you be embarrassed to see your doctor? No.

Don ‘ t let fear that you are going to be judged prevent you from reaching out for help because help is what you need right now to feel better!

#4 – Stick to your treatment.

This is a key part of dealing with chemical depression.

I have a client who saw her doctor because she was feeling sad and the doctor gave her a scrip for an anti-depressant. She took it and, over the course of a month, she started feeling better. After 6 months she was feeling great so she went off it. 3 months later she found herself sad again and wondering why.

I have another client who was prescribed an anti-depressant and it made her tired. Instead of going back to the doctor to see about another option, that client just stopped taking her meds. Without treatment, her depression got worse and her life got more difficult. Eventually, she did go back to the doctor and they got her on something that has made her life a much happier place.

So, stick to your treatment. Continue to take your meds. Just like you would if your doctor had prescribed meds to help you with a thyroid issue. Or diabetes. And if you don ‘ t like the side effects, go back and get something different. There are many treatment options out there for you.

#5 – Surround yourself with people who love you.

Many people who suffer from chemical depression tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Making the effort to spend time with people and to pretend to enjoy themselves is just too much. So, they don ‘ t.

Unfortunately, isolating is one of the worst things that you can do when you are feeling depressed. Staying home, eating ice cream, sleeping and feeling hopeless are not going to help you get past this dark place, as much as doing those things feel great right now.

So, make an effort to get yourself out there and spend time with people who love you. Spending time with people who make you laugh, who keep you out of your head and make you feel good about yourself is very important to managing your clinical depression.

Asking myself why I was feeling sad all the time even though my life was good changed my life.

Once I learned the signs of chemical depression it helped me to understand that it is possible to be depressed even when things are good.

So, ask yourself the questions that I list above. If you find that you answer yes to a lot of the questions, reach out and get some help. Don ‘ t be embarrassed – many people struggle with this and getting help is the brave thing to do.

Also make sure to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you no matter how hard it seems..

You, like millions of other people, can have a full and happy life living withchemical depression. All you need to do is to pick up the phone and call your doctor.

Do it TODAY!

How to Stop Feeling Insecure After Your Spouse Cheated

/by


Are you feeling insecure after your spouse cheated?

Did the person you swore who love you forever betray you by having an affair?

Has your self-esteem been decimated and do you find yourself circling the drain in more ways than one?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone. Many people suffer from feeling insecure after their partner cheats.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take that will help you manage that insecurity and move forward with your head held high.

#1 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Are you blaming yourself for your partner cheating? Are you feeling like if you were just nicer, or prettier, or more successful, they wouldn ‘ t have cheated? Do you believe that your perceived deficiencies are why your partner was unfaithful?

I can promise you, here and now – you are not at fault for your partner cheating. There are two people in every relationship and, yes, there are often issues that arise between them but that doesn ‘ t mean that people are given a license to cheat.

In a healthy relationship, issues are addressed and put to bed before they become bigger than life.

That being said, you are in the same troubled relationship with your spouse and you didn ‘ t cheat. You were strong enough to keep your vows even as your relationship foundered.

If anything, you are the one who should hold their head high because you acted with integrity instead of cowardice. They did not.

#2 – Face it head on.

Many people who have been cheated on struggle to face what happened head on.

Sometimes they don ‘ t confront their partners, worried that if they do they will get a confirmation that they really don ‘ t want to hear. Sometimes, once they do receive said confirmation, they don ‘ t address it any further, hoping that if they just ignore it it will go away. Sometimes, they don ‘ t tell their friends or family because they are so embarrassed and they hold what happened and their emotions inside.

It is important that, if you are feeling insecure after your spouse cheated, you face it head on. That you talk directly to your partner about what happened, why and how. To ask the questions that you need to ask and process the answers in way that will help you deal with it.

It is also important that you share what has happened with someone you trust. I am not telling you to broadcast what happened to the neighborhood but confiding in a friend or family member will give you a sounding board on which to process.

If you can ‘ t face this directly you will keep all your anger and hurt and fear inside. Any chance of fixing things with your spouse will be impossible because the issue isn ‘ t being addressed. The knowledge that your spouse cheated and that you did nothing to address it will eat you up inside, making you feel more insecure every day.

A strong person who faces adversity head on is not an insecure person. Quite the opposite, indeed.

#3 – Soul search.

In the same way that I suggest that you face what happened head on with your partner, so I encourage you to dig deep and do some soul searching about how you got to this place. How your marriage got to a place where your partner cheated.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetridish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my current relationship I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take some time and do some soul searching. Are you happy with who you are in your relationship? Would doing some work on yourself help you be a better partner (in this relationship or in the next)? Is the life that you are living honestly what you want it to be? Knowing more about yourself will help you stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we learn that a partner cheated, we sink into a very dark place.

Because we have been betrayed by the person who was closest to us, our ability to function in the world can be compromised. And when that happens, the healthy behaviors that we might have practiced in the past can be sabotaged.

Tell me the truth – has your time since you discovered that your partner cheated been filled with exercise and salads or ice cream and binge watching TV? If you answered the second, you are not alone. I have personally spent a lot of time on the couch mourning a betrayal.

It is important that, to stop feeling insecure after your partner cheated, you take care of yourself. That you get exercise, eat well and sleep. That you spend time with people who love you. That you do things in the world that give you joy. That you dig into your job so that you can hold your head up at work well done.

Eating ice cream, sleepless nights and stalking your partner ‘ s lover on Instagram will only cause you pain. Which will lead to more ice cream, weight gain and a plummeting self-esteem.

So, get yourself out there. Take walks with your friends, eat food that makes your body feel strong and spend time with people who know how awesome you are.

The best revenge is being happy and healthy in spite of what your loser partner did.

#5 – Don ‘ t settle.

Are you considering staying with your person after they cheated? Are you worried about the kids or your community or your finances or what your parents might think? Are you staying with your spouse for any reason other than the fact that you love them and truly want things to work out?

If the answer to my question is the first and not the second then I would encourage you to think hard before you make this decision. This is the rest of your life that you are talking about. And life is short and being happy is important.

Imagine waking up every day, for the rest of your life, next to the person you haven ‘ t forgiven and no longer love. Imagine Christmas mornings and weddings and anniversaries spent next to someone you don ‘ t respect. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and making small talk.

Now imagine waking up every day for the rest of your life with someone you love and respect. Imagine Christmases and weddings and anniversaries with someone you can trust. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and feeling a rush of love.

How amazing would that be?

Being in a relationship with someone we love and trust, and who loves and trusts us back, is an excellent way to boost our self-esteem. Seeing how wonderful we are in the eyes of another lifts us up in a way nothing else can.

So, think carefully before you decide next steps. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. Don ‘ t settle!

Working to stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated can be very difficult. You have been betrayed and there is nothing worse in a relationship.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to rebuild your self-esteem after your spouse cheats. First and foremost, don ‘ t blame yourself. You didn ‘ t cheat. Face the infidelity head on instead of burying it deep. Take good care of yourself. Do some soul searching about what you want in life and in relationships and don ‘ t settle. Never settle.

This is a horribly difficult time for you but you can get through it intact and move forward to live the life you want. I promise.

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Love After a Divorce

/by


The paperwork has been filed, the assets divided, the move out done and yet you are still struggling to let go of love after a divorce.

It ‘ s the ultimate irony. You have been left, your finances are probably decimated, your family has been torn apart and yet you still love your ex. And you don ‘ t like that you do.

There are reasons that it ‘ s so hard to let go of love after a divorce. If you understand what they are, you might find it easier to accept what has happened and move forward in a way that doesn ‘ t involve regret and loss but instead happiness and hope.

#1 – Broken vows.

I remember when I asked my husband for a divorce. He said that we had taken vows that he wouldn ‘ t break. I thought that idea ridiculous but the talk of divorce stopped for a while.

5 years later, he asked for a divorce and I was devastated. When he asked, the broken vows weren ‘ t addressed even for a minute. But, in my head, those vows were there, making it hard for me to let go of love for him.

We had stood up in front of 150 of our friends and family and promised to love each other for ever. In sickness and health and until the fat lady sings. And now he was walking away and I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that he would walk away, for another woman, one he paraded out in public with alarming speed.

My mother was also furious at the broken vows. He had promised her that he would always take care of me and he had let her down. She talked on and on about this betrayal which didn ‘ t help me move on.

My husband of 20 years had broken a promise to me, a promise that kept me tied to him for some time after our split, unable to let go of love after a divorce and feeling somewhat broken.

#2 – Letting go of dreams for the future.

We had been married for 20 years and our kids were headed out to college. We had been talking for years that if we could just make it through these difficult child rearing times we would have a ton of fun. We had always really enjoyed each other before kids and hoped that we could find our way back to each other again.

When he left, 48 hours after our son went off to school, those dreams for the future were immediately dashed. The picture of us traveling together, buying a house in the country, reaping the financial fruits of our years of hard work – all went up in smoke in a single moment.

Letting go of those dreams made it really hard for me to let go of love after a divorce. I no longer had dreams for the future – instead I had hopelessness and fear because the future was so unclear. What was I going to do, how was I going to build a new family for my kids, what would happen when my alimony stopped? I was scared and I constantly thought that if only he still loved me my future would be clear again.

#3 – Letting go of family.

I always loved our little family of four. We were all very close. Every night we had a family dinner that involved lively conversation. We had moved to Tokyo as a family and travelled extensively while we were there. We had a little house by the ocean, our kids were excelling at school and my husband and I were both very successful in our careers and our finances were secure.

When my husband told me he wanted a divorce, our family was destroyed in one fell swoop. The family that I had worked so hard to ensure that it was healthy, a family that travelled and laughed and supported each other. It was my life ‘ s work and it was destroyed.

I know that it was hard for me to let go of love after a divorce because the image of our connected family was such an important one. I believed that if we could rebuild our relationship, that if we could love each other, our family would be rebuilt and happy again.

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I know that one of the worst parts of getting divorce was that, after 20 years, 18 of them raising kids, I was suddenly alone. My kids were off at school and my husband was gone. My days, long filled with making lunches, driving everyone around, supporting my husband, were empty. And I couldn ‘ t see how I could possible rebuild them.

It was also so hard for me to see a future with another person. I got right onto dating sites and, while I met some great guys, none of them were the guy for me. Would I, I often wondered, be alone forever?

I had loved my husband and the life that we built and I had a hard time letting go of those emotions. In fact, with every disastrous date, I would go back to the love and companionship that my ex and I shared and wish it was alive again. If it only was, I would no longer be alone.

#5 – Believing you can fix things.

I remember that from the moment my ex asked for a divorce, I believed that I would be able to fix our marriage. I believed that with enough love and sex and fun, our marriage would be saved and we would live happily ever after.

But that wasn ‘ t to be.

As I have alluded to in this article, one of the reasons that I held on to love for my ex was that I believed that I could fix things if I loved him enough. That if I loved him he wouldn ‘ t walk away from our family, that our dreams for the future would happen and that I wouldn ‘ t be alone. I held on to that hope for so long that it made it increasingly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

It can be incredibly hard to let go of love after a divorce.

Marriage is something that we all hoped and dreamed for as we grew up. The idea of having a team mate in life, someone who would always have your back, who would love you unconditionally, was compelling. When marriage is broken, all of those comforts disappear.

I do believe that, if you can recognize that what you are in fact holding onto is not love for your ex but dismay at your broken vows, the loss of your dreams for the future, your sadness at the destruction of your family, your fear of being alone and your belief that your marriage is still fixable, you will be able to move on in a healthy way.

All of those things that you are mourning are things that you can have with another person. It might take some time and effort, but that person is out there for you. You don ‘ t have to hold onto love for someone who no longer loves you because your life is still a promising one, out there waiting for you to start living it again.

You can let go of this love and move forward. And you will get your happily ever after if you do.

7 Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused in Your Relationship

/by


Are you looking for signs you are being emotionally abused in your relationship? Are you worried that you might be caught up in something that isn ‘ t good for you but you just aren ‘ t sure?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us it is toxic but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of emotional abuse so that you can recognize whether it exists in your relationship and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – One person has all the control.

One big sign that you are being emotionally abused in your relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, there is emotional abuse in your relationship and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#2 – Words hurt instead of help.

A very important part of every healthy relationship is communication. This means talking about feelings and things that need to be done but it ‘ s also about making sure that the other person knows that they are loved and respected.

Does your person talk to you with love and affection or do they lash out at you verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If your partner is repeatedly raising their voice and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you are mostly likely being emotionally abused in your relationship.

#3 – There is no respect.

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the most important, signs of emotional abuse in a relationship is the presence of contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Does your partner speak to you sarcastically? Do they talk about you behind your back? Do they roll their eyes when you try to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how your partner treats you. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then there is emotional abuse in your relationship and you should think about if that is what you want going forward.

#4 – Things get physical.

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

And while many people would say that physical pain isn ‘ t the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, I believe that the psychic damage caused by physical pain shouldn ‘ t be down played.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner has hurt you physically then you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship that you might want to consider leaving.

#5 – There are constant apologies.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of apologies.

Does your person hit you and then apologize? Does your person lash out at you verbally and then say they are sorry but that you just drive them to it? Does your person treat you with contempt and then beg you to forgive them?

People who abuse other people often feel remorse, true remorse, after hurting their partners and they apologize. That remorse doesn ‘ t mean that they aren ‘ t going to display that behavior again just that they feel sorry in the moment. Sooner or later, the abuse will begin anew.

If you find that your world is full of apologies for bad behavior then you might be being emotional abused in your relationship.

#6 – Self-esteem issues develop.

This sign of emotional abuse in a relationship has to do with your personality traits not your partner ‘ s.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Do you believe that you are worthless or stupid or friendless? Do you believe that you are bad at everything that you try to do? Do you believe that you are fat or ugly or undesirable?

Many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship struggle with self-esteem issues, issues that they don ‘ t think are the result of their partner ‘ s behavior but because of some huge deficiency in their character. In fact, most people who are struggling in abusive relationships have lowered self-esteem that is the result of the mistreatment.

So, how is your self-esteem? How was it before you were in this relationship? If you felt better about yourself before this relationship then that is a sure sign that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

#7 – Estrangement.

Another significant sign of emotional abuse in a relationship is that the abused has been estranged from their friends and families.

Many emotional abusers go out of their way to make sure their victims are alienated from their loved ones because doing so gives them more control. As a result, loved ones, and their support, are cut off from their family member which only makes the family member more vulnerable to emotional abuse.

So, take stock of your relationships with your friends and family. Are they not what they used to be? And, if not, why? I know you might believe that any disconnect is all your fault but dig deeper to learn why your relationships are where they are right now.

If you an in an emotionally abusive relationship, don ‘ t forget your friends and family are out there to support you and help you escape!

Knowing the signs of whether you are being emotionally abused in a relationship is a very important part of a building a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the control, the unkindness, the physical pain, the apologies and the estrangement – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Why You are Feeling Sad in Your New Relationship After Letting Go of An Old One

/by


Are you feeling sad in your new relationship and absolutely dumbfounded because you are super happy? You have found the person you had always hoped you would find and yet you are still sad and missing your ex.

This feeling is horrible, I know, but it ‘ s very common. And it doesn ‘ t mean that you should leave this new relationship and go look for your ex. It means that emotions are complicated and that, with some knowledge and sel- awareness, you can accept the sadness as temporary and move forward.

Here are 5 reasons that you are feeling sad in your new relationship and how to manage those emotions.

#1 – You are still comparing.

One of the things that we do when we go out on dates with new people after breaking up with someone is we compare them. No matter how toxic the relationship, we sit across that table from our date and measure them up against our ex.

Ironically, what we usually measure is the good things that we remember about our ex – the sexual chemistry is the one I most often hear but it can also be other things – their ambition, their kids, their interests etc.

This comparison is natural but often our brains steer us in the wrong direction.

I would encourage you to make a list of all of the things about your ex that made them your ex. Be honest. It ‘ s easy to forget the things that went wrong but, if you dig deep, you will find them.

After you make your list, make a list of the good things in your new relationship. I am guessing that, if you are happy, there are many.

Making these lists, on paper, will help you see exactly why you shouldn ‘ t be with your ex, sexual chemistry or not, and why you are happy in your new relationship and that the sadness will pass.

#2 – You miss the comfort.

No matter how long we are in a relationship, patterns of behavior are developed. And these patterns are familiar and hard to change.

Whether the patterns are good ones, like eating pizza on Fridays or going for a walk every night, or bad ones, like fighting every morning about who will walk the dog or having to count drinks over the course of the evening, these patterns are yours and hard to let go of.

Furthermore, in new relationships, we often feel insecure because things are so new and we long for the comfortable, what we know so well.

Just know that, as your relationship continues to grow, so will your comfort level and, as it grows, you will be able to let go of your ex and your old ways and be happy.

#3 – You have to let go of dreams.

We when we embark down the road of a new relationship, with it comes big hopes and dreams for the future. And with a break up those dreams go up in smoke. And that is sad.

I remember the dreams I had with my ex. I had loved him in college and was so looking forward to going back to a college reunion with him by my side. We would live together and work together and heal together. We talked about where we would live and growing old together. And then, one day, it was over. And those dreams were dashed.

I am sure that you and your new ex have big hopes and dreams. I know that my new guy and I do. But I know that those hopes and dreams are different from the ones I had with my ex and it took me a while to let go of them and embrace the new ones.

But, man, am I glad I did.

#4 – End of an era.

When we end a relationship, we end an era. And era of time together as a couple, with friends, traveling, being with each other ‘ s families, perhaps having kids together or getting a dog. And when a break up occurs, that era is over.

I have a client who just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. They had a very tight friend group, he spent much of his days trying to help her move forward in her life, she loved his dog and they enjoyed the things that they did together. Now he has a new girlfriend and with her comes a whole new friend group, trying to figure out how to manage a long distance relationship, getting to know each other ‘ s habits and introducing each other ‘ s dogs.

This new era is exciting and new but that doesn ‘ t mean the old one wasn ‘ t special in its own way. If you can accept that the past, good and bad, is the past and that looking back isn ‘ t going to get you anywhere, you will be able to recognize that this next era is going to be great. And that will help you alleviate your sadness.

#5 – You haven ‘ t let go of what happened.

One of the reasons that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship is because you haven ‘ t processed what happened in the old one.

I know that it took me a full year to get past my ex, in spite of the fact that I was very happy with my new guy. After a toxic two year relationship, I decided one day that I just had to walk away. I knew that if I talked to him at all, he would suck me back in, as was our pattern. So, to save myself, I never talked to him again. I don ‘ t believe in closure because I truly believe that it ‘ s just an excuse to spend more time in the presence of your soon to be ex, but I also know that there were some things left unsaid between us. And that was unsettling.

But now, 3 years out, I have been able to let go of what happened and fully lean into my new relationship. It took a while but time and doing some work with my therapist helped me process what happened and move forward without looking back.

I know that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship and that is not unusual.

Fortunately, it is most likely something that will pass sooner or later.

As your relationship grows and you become more comfortable with each other, when you stop comparing your new person to your ex, when you stop looking to the past and can fully process what happened then you will be able to move on and lean into your new relationship and be truly happy.

You can do it! I promise!

5 Common Stressors That Can Lead To Depression During the Pandemic

/by


As the months of Covid-19 stretch on, with no end in sight, more and more people are asking me to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

We are in unprecedented times and our lives have changed completely. Things that we used to take for granted are no longer a part of our lives and things as they are now often feel uncomfortable and unnatural.

If you can identify stressors that can lead to depression, you can learn how to manage those stressors to help you manage your moods before they get the best of you.

Here are the 5 most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

#1 – Fear of the future.

This, I believe, is the most common stressor that is leading to depression these days.

As I write this the election rages around us, many states in the west are on fire and Black Lives Matter protests are still scattered around the US. On top of that, winter approaches and cases are mounting every day. No vaccine is in sight and Covid is dividing America even further across party lines.

We wake up every day, not knowing what the future holds.

Fear for the future and the hopelessness that it engenders causes depression in a way like none other. Not knowing what tomorrow looks likes worries us. What life will look like for our children, whether toilet paper will disappear again, whether the current weather patterns will worsen, all these things makes us anxious and fearful and depression can follow.

So, as you question whether you are depressed, take into consideration that this fear of the future is our baseline right now so things that are common stressors that can lead to depression are magnified during the Covid-19 crisis.

#2 – Lack of ‘ ˜me ‘ time.

This is a big one for me. Time by myself.

Until the pandemic, my boyfriend and I were living a quiet life together in the woods of New England. I had escaped my NYC apartment, where I had lived alone for years, to live with him. I was nervous about living with someone again but it ended up being fun. I worked from home, alone all day because he was working. I had my alone time and then there was time for us.

And then Covid hit. Within weeks one of his kids moved in with us. And 7 months later he is still with us. He lost his job and his social life dried up so he was home 24/7. I literally wasn ‘ t alone in my home for 5 months. I thrive on alone time and the lack of it is driving me, it feels like literally, insane.

Are you one of those people who needs time by themselves? Many of us do. Even if it ‘ s just the car ride to or from work, time by ourselves helps us recharge our batteries. For many of us, our batteries are on empty, especially if the co-habitants of our houses are under the age of 10.

If you are struggling with empty batteries, I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to spend some time by yourself. I have been closing my TV room door and doing yoga, taking walks, working in the garden, writing my blogs from my bedroom and sometimes just driving nowhere. None of those things completely charge my batteries but they are doing a nice job of keeping them charged enough so that I don ‘ t drive off a cliff.

#3 – Not enough time with friends and co-workers.

I have a client who has been really struggling recently. As we talked it through I realized that she is really missing her co-workers. She had worked closely with the team for years and not being in their physical presence was wearing on her. To have them there one day and gone the next was something that she was really struggling with.

Similarly, another client, one who thrives on being with people, is really struggling because her core group of friends have left the city. They were all in their mid-twenties, living the life in the city, and they all lost their jobs and headed home to their families. She had done the same and they were all Facetiming but it just wasn ‘ t the same.

If you find that you are missing your friends and co-workers, try to make an extra special effort to figure out a way to see them. I know that it can be a challenge but there are ways. Picnics, walks, outdoor movie watching etc. All of these things can be done to allow you to spend time with people who feel you and help alleviate the depression that might be caused by the pandemic.

#4 – Anxiety about public spaces.

One of my closest friends fled San Francisco in March and is now living in her house in a small town in Vermont. She has been there since March and rarely leaves. She is worried about Covid to the extent that it has made her fearful of leaving her home.

For most of our lives, we have taken public spaces for granted. Running to the grocery store or the mall or a movie is something we used to do without thinking. Doing errands on a Saturday morning was once a family affair.

Now, we don ‘ t go out unless we need to. When we do, we don masks and carry hand sanitizer. One person goes into the store while the others wait in the car. Everyone in the store is wearing a mask and standing 6 feet apart. If they aren ‘ t, we feel anxious.

Common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic include this fear of public spaces. Not feeling safe anywhere other than our house makes us sad. It makes us anxious. It makes us worried. It makes us depressed.

Know that, if you are struggling with fears of public spaces, you are not alone. If these fears are causing you to feel depressed, get someone to help you do the things that you need to get done out there in the world so that you can manage your anxiety.

#5 – Less physical affection and romance.

I remember in March everyone was talking about Covid babies, babies that would be born 9 months after the pandemic began. Ironically, Covid babies aren ‘ t a thing. Why? Because Covid is making it so we touch each other less.

Because Covid is transmitted by physical proximity, people just aren ‘ t touching each as much other anymore. Of course, many of us have our pods of people who we interact with, and hopefully hug, but the bigger world isn ‘ t accessible to us. Hugging someone you haven ‘ t seen in a while, or even shaking their hand, isn ‘ t an option anymore.

And, if is there is one great natural depressant, it ‘ s physical touch. Hugs, holding hands, kissing – all these things make someone feel better. Not having those things, instead touching elbows, is making many of us depressed.

Furthermore, romance is, in many ways, out the window. Many of my clients are meeting people online. They are getting to know each other through FaceTime but, if and when they choose to meet, there is little or no physical contact. And without physical contact, romance is difficult. Especially new romance.

I don ‘ t mean sex but I mean that initial jolt that you get when you hug someone hello. Or when your hands touch. Or when you brush up against each other walking down the street. Those things aren ‘ t happening now. Dating is more Victorian, as if we had a chaperone who was measuring the space between us to ensure that it was ‘ ˜proper.’

Lack of romance and physical touch are very common stressors that can lead to situational depression during the pandemic.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article you are struggling with depression and wondering why.

There are many things that are in play right now that are making a lot of people depressed. Fears for the future, absence of contact with people, reduced time alone, anxiety about public spaces and the need for physical contact are all things that can drag people way down.

That being said, it is very important that you pay attention to your depression. Follow the suggestions that I made above if you think they might be helpful. If, however, you find your depression getting worse, that it is impacting your life, your work and relationships, then it ‘ s time to talk to a doctor.

Depression can get worse if it is not managed properly. Talk to your primary care doctor right away if you feel like yours is worsening and making your life a difficult one to live.

Good for you for taking the time to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic. We have a long road ahead and knowing how to manage your mental health will help you come out the other side intact, ready to full live again.

You can do it!

5 Reasons You Are Blaming Yourself After Your Spouse Cheated

/by


Tell me the truth – do you find that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated? Are you angry and sad and overwhelmed but do you find that you are ultimately taking responsibility for what happened?

I so often hear this from clients – that their partner cheated but that they are blaming themselves. And this self-blame is preventing them from moving forward in any direction, which isn ‘ t healthy.

Let me explain to you why you might be blaming yourself after your spouse cheated and how to get past that self-blame and move forward.

#1 – You feel rejected.

When we find out that our partners cheated, it is devastating. While, in my experience, there are many emotions at play, the predominant one that I hear from people is that they feel rejected. That they weren ‘ t good enough.

I have a client who thought that she and her husband were happy. They had just returned from a vacation where they really enjoyed each other and were planning another. And then she looked at his phone and saw messages of love from another woman.

Yes, she was furious but at the same time she immediately questioned why she wasn ‘ t good enough for her husband. Why did he have to go seek love and affection somewhere else?

Was it because she worked too much or had gained some weight or that she spent too much time with the kids? Was she no longer young enough or pretty enough? What could she have done to have kept him interested enough that he wouldn ‘ t have strayed?

I am here to tell you that affairs happen for many reasons but none of them is usually because of something that you did or didn ‘ t have, that you did or didn ‘ t do. People are attracted to each other for a variety of reasons and attraction in affairs often has nothing to do with the original partner – it has to do with the bubble the cheaters find themselves in as their relationship developed.

It ‘ s not what you didn ‘ t have or do that caused the infidelity – it ‘ s what existed in that relationship that caused the affair.

#2 – You feel gullible.

If you are honest with yourself, were there times when you wondered if there was something going on with your spouse? Did you sense they were distant or not always properly accounting for their time or keeping their phone close? Did you notice those things but push the thoughts away as unthinkable?

Or maybe you truly had no sense that anything was off and learning so has made you feel incredibly stupid for missing the signs?

Many of us do this – we don ‘ t even consider that our partner might be unfaithful or we ignore red flags because we just don ‘ t think our partner capable of cheating. And, when we discover that our partner has cheated, we are mortified that we didn ‘ t know, that the person who swore to love us forever willingly deceived us.

I can promise you that you aren ‘ t gullible for not speaking up when you noticed signs. That you aren ‘ t stupid for being totally unaware of what was happening behind your back. You are a person in the world, trying to get by, to be the best that you can be in a relationship and to trust your partner to be true.

Your partner lied to you. They deceived you. This is not on you – it is on them!

#3 – You trusted them.

For many of us, when we find out our partner cheated, we simply can not conceive it to be true. I mean, this is our person, the person who stood up in front of our friends and family and promised to love us forever. How could this person, this person we have shared a life with for years, betray us so completely?

Ironically, it is exactly this trust that is why you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated. You are so programmed to love and trust your partner that the instinct to look inward at your own deficiencies is a profound one.

I know that when I found out that my ex was having an affair, I went right to that dark place. This person was the father of my children, a man I greatly respected, with whom I had made a life. That he could betray me in that way made me doubt everything about me and us. If I was questioning everything about my relationship, how could I not question myself for my role in the fact that it happened?

I now know that yes, my ex had an affair, but that affair didn ‘ t nullify everything in our past. Yes, he let me down in the biggest way but that doesn ‘ t mean that I bore any responsibility for his actions. What he did was all on him

#4 – The family.

The biggest victims of infidelity are the children. They are innocent bystanders to their parent ‘ s marriage and when someone cheats, they are often directly affected.

I am the child of divorce and I didn ‘ t want that for my children. When I found out my spouse cheated and wanted a divorce my first thought went to my kids – to the family that they would lose.

I promised them I would do everything in my power to try to hold our family together and I failed. All of my efforts to do so were met with anger and disrespect and I ultimately had to walk away.

For years I blamed myself for taking their family away from my kids but I know now that it wasn ‘ t on me. My partner was the one who strayed in the first place. He was the one willing to put our family on the line for his selfish needs. While I tried to fix things, I couldn ‘ t do it in a void. If he wasn ‘ t in, there was nothing I could do.

Blaming myself was a huge waste of time. I see that now.

#5 – Taking blame is what we do.

There is a quote I read someplace sometime – If you are willing to take the blame, someone is happy to give it to you. As someone who is chronically willing to take the blame for anything, whether it ‘ s my fault or not, that quote really speaks to me.

In the aftermath of an affair, when we are questioning every single thing in our lives, it ‘ s so easy to go down the path of self-blame. It ‘ s what we do.

If a friend is upset, we immediately take stock of what we might have done to make them so. If we bump into someone and spill coffee, we immediately apologize, even if we were the ones bumped into. If something goes wrong at work, we are willing to take blame whether or not we deserve it to save our jobs.

Self-blame is what we do, especially women. But we don ‘ t have to do it. We don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for everything that is wrong in the world. And we don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for the fact that our spouse cheated.

It does seem crazy that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated but it is a very common occurrence.

The feelings of rejection, of feeling gullible and deceived, the guilt around the loss of the family and our tendency to accept blame more often than not are all present as we are struggling with the aftermath of the affair. And all of those things are clouding your judgement and your ability to think clearly.

I would encourage you to push back on those feelings of self-blame. This is not your fault. You are responsible for your role in the relationship but not for your partner ‘ s cheating. That is all on them.

And the sooner that you can see this and accept it the sooner you will be able to move forward and start to heal.

You can do it!

5 Ways a Toxic Relationship Can Make You Sick

/by


I know that it ‘ s hard to believe but a toxic relationship can make you sick.

Just like being exposed to a toxic smell in the air or ingesting a toxic chemical by mistake, being in a toxic relationship can have serious side effects on your health, side effects that can be truly debilitating and life changing.

If you are in a toxic relationship it might be doing more than dashing your hopes for a healthy one. It might actually be making you physically ill and, if it is, it ‘ s important that you stop it in its tracks before it brings you down any further.

Here are 5 ways that a toxic relationship can make you sick.

#1 – Physical debilitation

Did you know that being in a toxic relationship can actually make your body fall apart?

The stress that you are under trying to manage your relationship, trying to process whether you should stay or go, surviving the toxicity in the relationship and trying to live your life can just get to be too much. And what is the first thing to go? Your physical health.

The effects of stress on your body is not insignificant. Stress can lead to chemical imbalances, eating disorders and substance abuse. It can also lead to respiratory, digestive and immune system issues. Furthermore, stress can be a significant contributor to sexual function disorders.

If you are struggling with body aches, persistent colds, difficulty breathing or anxiety attacks, among other things, perhaps your toxic relationship is making you sick.

Do you want this relationship to kill you? Because it might just be, slowly, doing that.

#2 – Mental despair

The most obvious sign that a toxic relationship can make you sick is the depression and anxiety that can rear their ugly heads in the midst of everything that is going on.

Toxic relationships are a day in day out thing. When relationships are bad, more often than not people regularly ruminate on them. If relationships are more than bad, if they are toxic, then we can become obsessively focused on them, causing us to turn away from and neglect things that are important to us.

Furthermore, toxic relationships fill us with feelings of despair and hopelessness, they influence how we think about ourselves and the world, they make us suspicious of other people ‘ s motivations, they make us feel unsafe. All of those things can lead to a situational depression that will get only worse before it gets better.

Extremely toxic relationships that involve severe emotional and/or physical abuse can actually lead to a clinical depression which can be hard to manage and can stay with you a long time, if not forever.

If you are feeling hopeless, if you just want to sleep all the time, if you are isolating yourself, if your moods are interfering with your life or your work, you just might be depressed. Getting out of your toxic relationship might be just thing to help you deal with that.

#3 – Isolation

Unfortunately, many people who find themselves in toxic relationships tend to isolate.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner, as a way of controlling someone, but often times people self-isolate. They do so because they might be feeling worthless, perhaps they are embarrassed by their relationship, perhaps their friends are sick of hearing about it, perhaps they are sitting at home, waiting for their person to show up.

If there is one thing that we have learned during this time of Coronavirus it ‘ s that isolation is very difficult for human beings to live with. People need to be with people. People need to touch people. They need to surrounded by people who love them. Not having those things can be debilitating in a big way.

Loneliness is one of the most significant causes of depression. It can also lead to unhealthy habits, inability to sleep and substance abuse.

If you find that you are isolating because of your toxic relationship, it could be why your body and mind are suffering so.

#4 – Self-doubt

When we are in a toxic relationship we are filled with self-doubt.

Whether it ‘ s because of the way our partner treats us, whether they belittle us or treat us with contempt or physically abuse us, the result is that we can doubt ourself at every turn. We can doubt who we are as a person, it can affect our work, it can make us question every choice we ever made.

And self-doubt is an insidious thing. The longer it goes on the more it can deeply affect your physical and mental health.

Fortunately, self-doubt can be shut down if you leave your toxic relationship and seek help. Unfortunately, as long that the toxicity exists in your life, the unhealthier, emotionally and physically you could become.

#5 – Substance abuse

When we are struggling with physical and mental issues, with isolation and self-doubt, we are often drowning, having no idea what to do, how to proceed, how to take care of ourselves. Our relationship is making us miserable and the stress is taking its toll on our physical health.

The best thing that we can do to manage side effects of a toxic relationship is to exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Unfortunately, most of us don ‘ t do that.

For many people, the way that they manage stress is by drinking, doing drugs and over or under eating. All of those things help ease the pain that we are dealing with, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, those things ultimately just make us feel worse.

Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate mental and physical health issues. Over/under eating can lead to self-hatred and health issues related to bad nutrition. Bad habits might feel good in the short term but they will only make us sicker.

If you find that your toxic relationship is causing you to develop bad habits that only make you feel worse about yourself, perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away from the relationship and work towards being healthy again.

Knowing how and why a toxic relationship can make you sick is an excellent means of evaluating whether or not to get out of one.

If you are reading this article you most likely realize that your relationship is toxic and you are seeking some way to identify and deal with it. Connecting your toxic relationship to the physical and mental struggles you have had recently might give you that extra push to get out.

So, if you are struggling with mental and/or physical health issues, if you are isolating and full of self-doubt, if you find that you are abusing substances then it could very well that your relationship is making you sick.

Is anyone worth destroying your health for? I don ‘ t think so!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin