Surviving Online Infidelity: Are Cyber Affairs Any Less Harmful?

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Are you struggling with surviving online infidelity?

Has the person you loved strayed from your relationship by corresponding with another person online?

Are you wrestling with your feelings and not really sure if what you are feeling is okay? Are you wondering if maybe you shouldn ‘ t be as upset as you are because it ‘ s just an online relationship? It ‘ s not like they had sex or anything.

Let me help you! Surviving online infidelity is possible but first there are some things that you should know.

#1 – Affairs aren ‘ t all about sex.

For many people, the definition of an affair is when one person has sex with another person outside of the relationship.

The reality, however, is quite different.

Experts say that an affair begins when someone starts sharing things that they aren ‘ t sharing with someone else.

One of my clients remembers the time when she told the person she eventually had an affair with that she was depressed. She had never said those words out loud before. That started it all.

Why does this sharing mark the beginning of an affair? Because it creates an intimacy between the two people, one that might be more than that of the original relationship.

Online affairs are all about intimacy. All about sharing feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams. It can often lead to a deep love, one that is not about sex. And that can be scarier, in many ways.

#2 – Online affairs can be more intense.

Online relationships can, in many ways, be more intense.

Because there is no face-to-face contact, but only words shared, there is a tension that builds between the two people. When people have a physical affair, tension can be released after sex. When people have no physical release, the tension just continues to grow.

And with the increase in tension, there is an increase in intensity and which makes the affair more dangerous because the feelings intensify.

Many people who leave their partners for someone they have never met face to face do so because the intensity is so compelling that it drives them to make big, stupid, life changes.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that, because these two are far away from each other, the relationship can ‘ t be that strong. It actually might be stronger than you realize.

#3 – Any kind affair kills trust.

One of the most important parts of any healthy relationship is trust. When affairs happen, trust is violated, perhaps forever.

Since you discovered your partner ‘ s infidelity do you check your their phone and email regularly? Do you question where they are going when they leave the house? Do you obsess about whether he is lying to you about what is happening?

All of these things are evidence that trust has been broken in your relationship. The first step towards surviving online infidelity is rebuilding trust.

#4 – How hurt are you?

When asking yourself whether online infidelity is any less harmful than a physical affair, it ‘ s important to note how you are feeling.

Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you indifferent?

For many, learning about an online affair can be devastating. Knowing that their partner has shared any intimacy with another person can be incredibly painful.

For others, however, their partner having an online affair doesn ‘ t carry much significance. They have their person every day to come home to. They have sex with them. They share the finances. They are still a couple. The person on the other end of the internet line is just a person who gets nothing but words. And for many people, they are almost happy that their partner has another outlet – that they don ‘ t have to responsible for holding their feelings constantly.

So, how do you feel about what you have discovered? If you are hurt, then, yes, the online affair is harmful. If not, then perhaps you can just not make a big deal of it and move on.

#5 – Infidelity can destroy your relationship.

Whether it ‘ s online or physical, an affair can have the power to destroy your relationship.

The breakdown of trust, the displaced intimacy, the intenseness of the new relationship and the profound hurt that you might feel, all of these can result in the permanent destruction of your relationship.

If there can be a silver lining of an online affair it ‘ s that distance can be a help in trying to end it. When affairs are face-to-face they can be harder to break off because of people might still be thrown together at work or in town or at a party. With an online affair, it might be as simple as blocking or unfriending someone and then it ‘ s over.

But, don ‘ t be naïve. Letting go of an affair is not something that happens easily. People who have affairs become addicted to them. They fall in love with the person they are in the relationship – a woman or man – not a husband or a father or an employee. And that is very hard to let go of!

Surviving an online affair is possible.

It is important, however, that you recognize an online affair for what it is – an affair that can be more intense than a sexual one, that causes the breakdown of trust, that hurts you deeply and that can end your relationship.

It is possible to find your way back to your original relationship, with therapy, communication and restoration of trust but it can and will be challenging.

Now that you understand what an online affair is all about, you can take the next steps and decide if you want to work with your partner to heal or if it ‘ s time to move on.

Do youwant to know surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, so you can get started!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

 

 

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Someone You Love

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Are you trying to let go of someone you love but who you know is really, really bad for you?

Has the person who you love decided he no longer loves you?

Are you sick of craving your ex, ruminating on good memories, trying to figure out personal flaws, catastrophizing about never loving again, seeking information about your ex, and stalking them on social media?

Trying to let go of someone you love is frustrating, emotionally exhausting and feels, at times, fruitless. But understanding why it ‘ s so hard to let go of someone you love can is great way to start down the path to healing.

Because you can heal. Really.

#1 – History.

Believe it or not, the number one reason that it is so hard to let go of someone you love is based on evolutionary theory.

Back in the day, as mankind was evolving and becoming who it is today, a key part of survival was the need for attachment.

In order for people to come together to make babies and to ensure the babies survival, men and women needed to form attachments that were strong – even unbreakable.

And, because of these attachments, mankind has evolved to be the dominant species on earth (which is too bad but that ‘ s another article).

So, basically, the need for attachment, the need to have a person in your life permanently, is literally needed for the survival of the species. And, as much as we have evolved into modern society, our most basic need, for attachment, persists because without it we would become extinct.

#2 – Chemistry.

When we are falling in love, and in love, our brain chemicals actually change.

Falling in love raises your dopamine which means you are happy, ecstatic even, but lowers your serotonin. When your serotonin is lower you feel more anxious, agitated and restless and have a tendency to be obsessive, compulsive and impulsive. Think about when your new love hasn ‘ t texted for a while and you are jittery and wondering where he is and if he still loves you.

As the relationship stabilizes into a secure attachment, dopamine is replaced by more serotonin and oxytocin, both of which combine to make you want to nest and feel calmer.

When we are fully settled and attached, the brain produces oxytocin. This chemical is fed by spending time together, doing chores, having sex etc.

When we are trying to let of love, or when we are being broken up with, when obstacles get in the way of the attachment, even more dopamine is produced because the experiences of romantic love are heightened by diversity, obstacles and uncertainty. This increase in dopamine means the feelings of love get intensified which means we fall deeper in love with our person at the prospect of being left.

Finally, when our person has left and we are all alone, we are left literally craving the chemicals that have been in our body throughout the relationship. Kicking this craving will be like kicking alcohol or tobacco. It will be really hard.

But, like alcohol and tobacco, the longer you stay away from it, the less you will crave it.

This is why it is essential, when trying to let go of someone you love, that you put a permanent and compete distance between you and him. Don ‘ t feed the craving but let it go.

#3 – Internal conflict.

There are three parts of the brain:

  • the brain stem, which is responsible for bodily functions
  • the limbic brain, which regulates emotions and attachments
  • the neocortex, which regulates executive functioning.

The limbic brain and the neocortex have a very difficult time communicating.

You know how you know that a relationship should be over but you just can ‘ t let go because you don ‘ t ‘ ˜feel ‘ like it ‘ s over. This is because the two parts of your brain aren ‘ t communicating.

We stay in a relationship that doesn ‘ t serve us because our logical brain (neocortex) knows that the attachment is unhealthy but the limbic brain NEEDS that attachment to exist and survive.

This internal conflict is something that you can ‘ t control when you first break up but, like with the chemicals, with time the neocortex will prevail.

When we start to take care of ourselves, stay away from the person who gets our limbic brain agitated and use mindfulness to focus on other things, our neocortex gets stronger and finally the two parts of your brain will connect and tell you that, in fact, the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on.

#4 – A decimated self-esteem.

There is nothing more personal than being left by someone you love. No matter what, we are left with feelings that we aren ‘ t good enough. That we are missing some personality trait that makes us unlovable. That no one will ever love us and that the world would be better off without us, losers that we are.

Tise reduced self-esteem is one of the reasons why it is so hard to let go of someone you love. When we feel bad about ourselves we want to reach out to the person who once loved us, to get confirmation that we aren ‘ t all that we think we are, that they left us not because of our limitations but because of some external force.

And that is something we rarely get. We continue to feel bad about ourselves no matter what.

Furthermore, the end of a relationship is like a death – something that was super important to us, that we had such high hopes for, that we had pinned our future on, is gone and we are left mourning that loss.

Unfortunately, in this modern culture, mourning is not okay. Sure, we are allowed to be sad for a while but it doesn ‘ t take long for your friends and family to tell you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ For them to get sick and tired of listening to your pain and want you to get on with your life does not help how you feel about yourself.

Having your feelings belittled and neglected only adds to the feelings of shame. Not only has our love abandoned us but so too our family and friends.

#5 – Lack of answers.

Almost worse than the trauma of being apart from our loved one is the lack of answers. We have been rejected and are confused and we have no idea what happened.

We spend all of our hours wondering what happened. Why did something so promising fall apart? Why did someone we had been married to forever decide to walk away?

Those unanswered questions torment us and, with the decreased serotonin, we become increasing agitated. We seek ‘ ˜closure ‘ which only aggravates our limbic brain and gets us going down the same path that we have been on already.

And, more often than not, there aren ‘ t any answers. ‘ It ‘ s about me, not about you. ‘ “I just need to spend some time alone. ‘ None of these answers will be enough to calm your aching heart.

If you can try to disregard the questions, knowing that you might not get the answers that you seek, then it might help you move on more quickly

I know you are in a lot of pain right now because you have to let go of someone you love.

There might truly be nothing worse than a broken heart. But you can survive it.

Understand that the history of our species makes us want to stay attached, that our chemistry makes withdrawal from an attachment supremely difficult, that our brain ‘ s internal conflict is powerful, that our self-esteem has plummeted and that we are left mostly only with questions. Understanding these things will help you let go of someone you love so that you can get on with your life and meet the guy who you are supposed to be with.

It will happen. Winston Churchill said ‘ ˜If you are going through hell, don ‘ t stop. ‘ Suffer through the pain and you will emerge, like a butterfly, on the other end.

I promise.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling how to let go of someone you love.
Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

 

Signs of a Toxic Marriage that Seem Totally Normal

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Are you wondering if you are in a toxic marriage?

Do you look at around at other marriages, feeling like your marriage is just like theirs and yet you wake up every morning unhappy and spend your days wondering what is wrong with you that you are feeling this way?

When we get married, no one gives us a guidebook. There are no step by step instructions as to how to make things work, to be married successfully. Instead we are thrown into something that we have never done before, expected to have all the answers and to live happily ever after.

It ‘ s no surprise that you find yourself in this place, wondering if you are in a toxic marriage but just not really sure.

Let me help. There are signs of a toxic marriage that seem normal but that really are not.

#1 – Contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away.Oh, I deserved that orHe is just crabby orHe was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your husband. Is there contempt? Do one or the other, or both, of you speak to each other sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other ‘ s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner tries to make a point?

The number one sign of a toxic marriage is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

#2 – Fighting.

Fighting in a marriage is totally normal. There is no way that two people can live together for years and years without issues arising that lead to quarreling.

Many women believe that as long as there is no physical assault, any kind of fighting is normal. But that just isn ‘ t true. Fighting that is both regular and extreme, even if there is no phycial violence, is not normal. It is a sign of a toxic marriage.

Do you and your partner fight regularly? Do you fight about everything from the color of the sky to the time it takes to make dinner? Do your fights escalate quickly? Do you attack each other personally? Is there never resolution around these fights, you just retreat to your respective corners and sulk?

If the above describes the way your fights evolve then you are most likely in a toxic marriage. People who not only can ‘ t agree about anything but who treat each other so horribly in a fight are definitely in a marriage that is unhealthy.

#3 – Secrets.

When I was married, there were many secrets that I kept from my husband. I didn ‘ t talk to him about how I felt about him. I didn ‘ t vaccinate my son until he was 5 years old and neglected to tell him. I forgot to pay the cable bill for three months and then acted shocked when it was cut off. I hated the way he wore short sleeve shirts to work in the summer. None of these things I told him.

Furthermore, I spent a TON of time telling my friends the things that I didn ‘ t tell him. They especially knew how brutally unhappy I was with him and they were part of my decision to not vaccinate my kids. In many ways, my friends were a substitute for my husband.

And I thought that this was ok. None of these secrets were a big deal – it wasn ‘ t like I was sneaking around on him. I was keeping these secrets from him, I felt, to protect him, and myself, from the anger and contempt that was existing in our marriage.

Now I know that secrets can kill a marriage. If two people who have chosen to build a life together can ‘ t share with each other the little things, and the big, then their marriage is most certainly toxic. Even if they think they are lying to protect their partner, they are still betraying their partner with their silence.

So, if you aren ‘ t sharing everything with your partner, particularly things that would make him upset if he found out about them, then you are most certainly in a toxic marriage that might be doomed.

#4 – Distance.

When your husband walks in the door would your first instinct be to hug him? If you could choose someone to go to the movies with, would it be your wife? Is the first person you want to tell your good news to the person you go to sleep with every night?

Over time, as marriage evolves, couples become so comfortable with each other that we take each other for granted. Hugs, confidences, and free time are things that aren ‘ t always a part of long marriages.

That being said, if there is a distance between you and your spouse that is more like a chasm, if you never touch each other, never spend free time together and if you would rather die than share anything personal, then you are in a toxic marriage.

People who are in healthy marriages make an effort to be physical with their partner. They genuinely enjoy spending their free time together (mostly) and confide in each other wins and losses in their life.

Consider the distance between you and your spouse. If the Grand Canyon comes to mind then you are most likely in a toxic marriage.

#5 – Silence.

One of the biggest signs of a toxic marriage is silence.

Silence means lack of communication. Silence means grudges are being held and being left unsaid. Silence means that connecting in any meaningful way is impossible.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is when two people can communicate well. Whether its about what is for dinner, what your mother in law did last weekend or the fact that they have pissed you off again, communication is what keeps people connected.

When communication stops, so does any chance for a happy relationship. The silence that is left in it ‘ s place is a petri dish wherein disconnection, anger and resentment can grow. Words go left unsaid and frustrations stew.

When was the last time you and your partner spoke in any meaningful way? When you spend time together is there any kind of communication at all or are you sharing the space in silence? If you and your partner are no longer talking, about anything, including the weather, then you are most likely in a toxic marriage.

Recognizing signs of a toxic marriage is the best way to try to save it before it gets too late.

Do you and your partner treat each other well? Do you disagree about things without fighting? Do you keep secrets or your distance? Have you stopped communicating in any meaningful way?

If any or all of these things are true, you very well might be in a toxic marriage, one you want to either start working on or get out of.

Don’t waste your life in a toxic marriage – life is too short to waste!

Do youwantto know more about whether you are in a toxic marriage?
Let me help you, NOW, so you know sooner rather than later!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

Am I in Love? 5 Ways to Know.

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Have you met a guy? Maybe the guy?

Isn ‘ t romance grand? The long late-night conversations, holding hands as you walk through the park, the butterflies that you feel when you see him. It ‘ s all so wonderful. And scary.

Opening yourself up to someone can be terrifying. Letting down your guard to let a man into your heart makes you tremendously vulnerable. Because of this, many women are hesitant to let themselves fall in love.

(Think every woman ever on The Bachelor – expressing their hesitation to fall and then doing so anyway only to be denied a rose the next night. Ugh.)

So, before you open up to your partner, make good and sure that you are really in love with him.

But how to know?

Here are some signs that will help you figure it out

#1 – You can feel it.

What is love? It is very important to understand the difference between being in love with someone and loving someone.

I believe that when you are in love with someone, you feel the feelings that you read about in books.

When you see your person, your heart leaps a little bit, you long for their touch, you want to know everything about them, spending time together is lovely, and you care about their hopes and dreams.

But, when you love someone, as opposed to being in love with someone, your feelings are more feelings of friendship.

You feel peaceful and happy being with them and support them in their endeavors but that feeling of your heart leaping, of relishing their physical touch, just isn ‘ t there.

So, how do you feel when you see your person? Does your heart leap or do you just feel peaceful?

It ‘ s an important distinction and one that only you can know.

#2 – Distance can be hard.

When you love someone, watching them walk out the door can be physically painful. You count the minutes, hours or days until you will see them again. When you are reunited it ‘ s like you feel whole again.

It is important, however, to know the difference between obsessive love and being in love. When we are in obsessive love, when we are apart from our lover we cannot function. We are constantly wondering where they are and what they are doing and maybe even stalking them on social media. Our jobs and friendships suffer and the physical pain from the distance is debilitating.

If you love someone in a healthy way, being apart from them is hard but you still live your life as you always have done, waiting anxiously to see him again but also perfectly healthy apart.

And, man, you know that the reunion will be worth the wait ‘ ¦

#3 – You like the good and the bad.

When you are in love you like everything about your person.

You love that they want to spend so much time with you or ask you questions about your day. You are always happy to be with them and love when they touch you. You appreciate the way they open the door for you or give you footrubs at night.

Furthermore, when you are in love with someone you even love the things that you find frustrating.

Perhaps they always leave dirty dishes in the sink or act differently when they are with the guys or forget to buy you flowers on your anniversary. Things that you truly wish could be different.

If you love your person in spite of these things, and perhaps even think they are adorable even while they are bugging you, then you are definitely in love.

My boyfriend has these short sleeve button down shirts that he likes to wear to work in the summer, and white sneakers too. I hate those shoes and shirts but, man, he is the most handsome man I have ever seen every time he walks out the door in the morning. Yes, I am madly in love with this guy.

4. You don ‘ t see any red flags.

If you truly love someone, you aren ‘ t constantly questioning the relationship.

Do you think that you want to be in this relationship but just aren ‘ t sure?

Do you think about whether you are making a mistake in committing to this person?

Do you spend time thinking about other people instead?

Do you find yourself rationalizing your relationship more often than not?

People who are in love are secure in the fact the love is real and equal and that a commitment to it is a smart one.

If there are little red flags that you are ignoring or if you are constantly wondering if this person is enough for you, then you most likely aren ‘ t in love.

5. You are eternally faithful.

Do you find yourself looking at other people and wondering if, for whatever reason, you might be interested in a relationship with them?

Do your friends introduce you to other people who they think might be better for you?

If either of these things is the case, you might not be in love with your man.

People who are in love with their partner don ‘ t go seeking other potential mates. They are perfectly happy with the guy sitting beside them and the prospect of being with someone else is abhorrent.

Furthermore, if you are in love you know that, more than anything, you don ‘ t want to hurt your guy with your wandering eyes or hands. You know that keeping your eyes firmly focused on him is what you want to do every day. And he will love you for it!

Asking yourself Am I in love? is a very important part of taking the next step in a relationship.

If you are in love, then you can open yourself up to your guy and look to move forward in your relationship, knowing that it ‘ s the right thing to do. If you don ‘ t love your guy, let him go. He deserves to find love and don ‘ t waste either of your times pretending you do.

So, if you feel deep emotions for this guy, if you want to be with him always and miss him when he is gone, if you like everything about him, if you have no questions about the relationship and you can be faithful then, mostly likely, you are in love and this is the guy for you.

How fun and how lucky are you!

Do youwantto know more about knowing whether or not you are in love?
Let me help you, NOW, so you know sooner rather than later!
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5 Things You Must Know About Surviving Infidelity PTSD

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Have you recently (or not so recently) discovered that your partner is having an affair and are looking to understand how surviving infidelity PTSD is possible?

Many people are surprised that infidelity can cause PTSD but it is true. Discovering infidelity causes significant trauma, trauma akin to physical or emotional abuse, death of a child or parent or some other life changing occurrence.

Furthermore, the trauma that results from discovering infidelity can also bring up unresolved issues from past trauma, mixing with your present situation, to make the PTSD even worse.

It is very important that, if you are struggling with PTSD, you seek professional help. Unresolved trauma can rear it ‘ s head over and over again. In the meantime, I am going to share with you the signs of PTSD and give you some recommendations about how surviving infidelity PTSD is possible.

#1 – Self-blame.

For many people who suffer from emotional and physical trauma, self-blame is very common and a huge indicator of PTSD.

Do you blame yourself that you partner strayed? Do you think that if you had only been nicer or funnier or skinnier or had more sex with them that they wouldn ‘ t have cheated on you?

Do you chide yourself for being so clueless that you didn ‘ t see the signs, that you missed the fact that your partner was stepping out on you?

Let me tell you, your partner ‘ s infidelity is NOT YOUR FAULT.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but it doesn ‘ t happen because of things that you didn ‘ t do. More often than not, infidelity is something that happens not because someone seeks it out but because two people meet and there is an attraction that proves irresistible.

Blame is a double-edged sword but if anyone must be blamed it ‘ s those who couldn ‘ t resist, who proved weak in the face of temptation and who lied to you over and over.

I know it ‘ s hard but work hard to not blame yourself because you are not to blame.

#2 – Unstable emotions and disorientation.

Do you find yourself struggling with a wide range of emotions?

Do you find yourself crying one minute, raging another, way too happy and then back to the tears? Do you find yourself sitting in the car looking out the window only to realize that an hour has passed?

People who struggle with PTSD struggle with unstable emotions and disorientation. The pain that has been caused to them is so extreme that it renders their emotions uncontrollable. Because of the power of these emotions, our brain is overwhelmed and disorientation is the result.

Time will help with emotions that are out of control – they are strongest right after the pain is caused but they dissipate as time goes on. Often times, without help, they don ‘ t go away completely but they can, at the very least, be managed. And when managed, the disorientation will be resolved.

For now, have awareness that the wide range of emotions that you are struggling with are completely natural. Chiding yourself for feeling them, for not staying calm, for being angry with life and at the same so very sad will only make the emotions worse. Accepting them as a part of the healing process will allow them to help you do that – heal.

#3 – Intrusive Thoughts.

Do you find yourself obsessing over and over with the images of your partner committing infidelity? Do you regularly chide yourself for missing the signs? Do you question your self-worth and wonder if you are worthy of love? Do you spend more time in your head than you do in the now, living your life?

Unfortunately, our powerful brain – the thing that distinguishes us from every other animal in the world – can also be our worst enemy. Our brain loves to run negative tapes over and over, tapes that serve to reinforce all of the bad thoughts that we have about ourselves, our loved one and our lives.

These negative thoughts don ‘ t serve us in any way and can actually make healing more difficult.

There are ways to deal with these intrusive thoughts. The first it to start having awareness that the thoughts are just that, intrusive and not necessarily productive. Next, accept that the thoughts are not serving you but that they should not be chased away. Let these thoughts float through your head and don ‘ t try to analyze them or give them any power. And then let them go.

It ‘ s also important to remember that the thoughts will probably come back and that you will have to practice this awareness over and over. Ultimately, with time, those intrusive thoughts will dissipate.

Another useful tool for reducing the power of intrusive thought is by doing something that will occupy your brain. Yoga and meditation are excellent tools for managing intrusive thoughts but reading, TV and sleep also work. Whatever you can do to give yourself a break from those thoughts, even for a little while, will help you manage them and reduce their effect on you.

#4 – Trust issues.

Many people who are trying to understand surviving infidelity PTSD find that they have developed significant trust issues.

When the person who we love the most, on whom we have put all of our hopes and dreams, who we trust more than anyone else, betrays us then our place in the world is profoundly affected. Instead of believing in the best in people we are instead left believing that people are ultimately evil and that trusting ourselves and our emotions to anyone will only cause us pain.

It is important, when your partner has been unfaithful, that you spend as much time as possible with those who love you and those you can trust. One person has betrayed your trust, not everyone, and being reminded of that regularly will help restore your faith in people.

With time, and help, you will learn that trusting people is possible and that even that person who betrayed your trust might be worthy of it again.

#5 – Hopelessness.

Are you struggling with the belief that nothing will ever be the same again? That happiness will be forever out of reach, that you will never love again and that life can not possibly go on?

It is important that you understand the nature of hopelessness around PTSD. A key part of PTSD is depression and, when we are depressed, the belief that anything will ever be okay again is inconceivable. When we are depressed we are simply incapable of believing that life will get better.

But, let me promise you that, with time and treatment, the feeling of depression and hopelessness will fade. Life does go on, you will love again and that happiness will once again be yours.

Again, spending time with people who love you is an excellent way to manage the hopelessness. You might not believe them in the moment but having people remind you that you will get through this and that life will go on is an essential part of the healing process.

Surviving infidelity PTSD is not only possible but probable with time, treatment and awareness.

Again, getting professional treatment for your PTSD is essential. Talk to your primary care physician right away and they can help you access the treatment that you need.

Having awareness of your PTSD symptoms, the self-blame, the uncontrollable emotions, the intrusive thoughts, the trust issues and the hopelessness, will help you manage them. Understanding and accepting that they are a natural occurence in the face of infidelity will help you process them and help you heal.

And time is the ultimate healer. I know it ‘ s hard to believe it now but, as time goes on, you will feel better. Life will be worth living again. The pain might not be gone but it will be less and it will be manageable.

For now, keep your head up, believe that the future is there, accept where you are right now and get some help.

You will get through this, I promise.

Do youwantto know more about surviving infidelity PTSD?
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

Warning Signs of a Toxic Relationship – Red Flags that You Shouldn’t Ignore

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Are you looking for warning signs of a toxic relationship because you are wondering if you are in one yourself?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of a toxic relationship so that you can recognize whether yours is one and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – Contempt

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the biggest, red flags is the presence of contempt in a relationship.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Do one or the other, or both, of you speak to each other sarcastically? Do you talk behind each other ‘ s backs? Do you roll your eyes when your partner tries to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how you and your partner treat each other. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then your relationship is most likely a toxic one.

#2 – Obsession

Many of my clients who are in toxic relationships (and there are many) struggle with obsession over their partners.

They want their partners to be in constant contact. They stress out when texting habits change in any way. They give up everything in their life to be with their person. They twist themselves into pretzels to please the other.

Healthy relationships are based on the mutual ability to respect and trust each other. If one party is obsessed with the other partner, if they rearrange their life so that they can always be available for their partner, then the relationship isn ‘ t balanced or healthy. And obsession is toxic – an unhealthy attachment to someone can cause nothing but pain.

So, if either partner in your relationship is obsessed with the other, then your relationship might very well be toxic and it might be time to make change.

#3 – Unkind words

Do you or your partner lash out at each other verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If either you or your partner are repeatedly raising your voices and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you might be in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Physical Pain

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of a toxic relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner is hurting you, or you are hurting your partner, causing each other physical pain, then you are definitely in a toxic relationship.

#5 – Possessiveness

One big indicator of a toxic relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, your relationship might be toxic and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#6 – Mixed Messages

Another hard-to-spot indicator of a toxic relationship is mixed messages.

Mixed messages are messages that go one way and then another. Perhaps your person says that they are done with you and then reach back out to be with you again. Over and over. Or perhaps your person says they love you in that red dress but then make fun of you to their friends. Perhaps they tell you they love you and then treat you horribly.

Mixed messages are incredibly difficult and confusing. Many women hold on tight to the positive things said and let go of the negative, thereby justifying why they want to stay in the relationship.

But, in fact, someone who gives you mixed messages is someone who truly isn ‘ t that into you, someone who, if you stay involved with, will only cause you sadness and pain.

In a healthy relationship two people love each other without exception. Sure things can get topsy turvy sometimes, but still the mutual respect and admiration is present. No one makes the other feel bad with flip-flopping feelings and yo-yoing behaviors.

Is your relationship affected by mixed messages? If it is then you very definitely might be in a toxic relationship!

Knowing the warning signs of a toxic relationship is a very important part of a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the obsession, the unkind words, the physical pain, the possessiveness and the mixed messages – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

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What to do when Boundaries are Crossed in Marriage

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Marriage is long and difficult and when boundaries are crossed in marriage it can be disastrous.

A vital part of marriage is trust and when established boundaries are violated a marriage can breakdown.

So, it ‘ s very important that, when boundaries have been crossed, it is dealt with right away.

How? Let me help.

#1 – Acknowledgement.

When boundaries have been crossed in marriage, it is essential that both parties acknowledge that the boundaries have been crossed. Unless there is agreement that the boundaries have been violated there is no way to begin the healing process.

A client’s husband had violated their ‘ ˜no mid-week drinking ‘ boundary. They had both realized that when they drank wine after work their parenting skills around bedtime suffered. So, they agreed to abstain. When her husband came home one night smelling of beer, she was very upset because they had an agreement and he had broken it.

Her husband pushed back at first, justifying his behavior, but then he acknowledged that he had violated their agreement. With that mutual understanding, their healing could begin.

#2 – Conversation.

An essential part of healing when boundaries are crossed in marriage is conversation.

I believe that conversation is essential to any healthy relationship and when boundaries have been crossed especially so.

For my client and her husband, it was very important that they revisit why they had set the boundary in the first place, why he had crossed the boundary and what next steps they should take around the boundary.

They agreed that the boundary had been set in place for the sake of their children. He explained that he drank because he had a work dinner and he wanted to make his client feel comfortable but knew that he had crossed their established boundary nonetheless. She expressed her disappointment in the fact that he hadn ‘ t kept his word and that he had been a little bit out of it during the kids bedtime routine.

Each of them were able to speak their piece, know they had been heard, and get ready to take steps for figuring out resolution.

So, a key part of surviving boundaries being crossed in marriage is talking about it! Without conversation, moving forward is impossible.

#3 – Resolution.

Once my client and her husband had spoken their piece, they set out to figure out what they should do about the existing boundary. Did they feel like it was a boundary they should maintain or one that needed reconsideration? They wanted to make sure that both of them felt comfortable with the boundary because they knew that a healthy marriage was based on mutually agreed upon boundaries.

After some discussion, they agreed that the boundary was important and that it should stay in place and that, if another work dinner arose, they would address that situation when it came.

It is important, when trying to figure how to fix things when boundaries are crossed in marriage, to work together to identify what can be done to come to terms with what was done and to make a plan for moving forward.

#4 – Benchmarks.

After conversation and resolution, the next step to managing boundaries is by setting benchmarks.

Benchmarks are a point of reference against which other things are compared. Setting benchmarks is an important part of moving forward.

For my clients, their benchmark was how effective the no mid-week drinking boundary was. They defined what they wanted to achieve by setting this boundary (a more peaceful dinner and bedtime routine). When that boundary was violated, they looked carefully at what kind of effect the violation had on their family. They realized that it did make things more difficult and they agreed to pay attention going forward to how to make bed time better.

If you have set boundaries and they have been crossed, going forward focus on why that benchmark was set and whether it ‘ s important to have in place going forward. You don ‘ t want a boundary in place that is impossible to achieve and which might cause more problems in your relationship.

#5 – Support.

When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant strain can result. Relationships are tested because trust is violated. If the boundaries are crossed over and over, things can really turn bad.

If boundaries have been crossed in your marriage and it is creating stress that you can ‘ t resolve, seek professional help. It is important that trust is maintained in any relationship and a therapist or life coach can help you manage it.

Addressing issues in a relationship head on is important so, if you can ‘ t resolve the feelings that arise when boundaries are crossed, seek help immediately and keep things from getting worse.

When boundaries are crossed in marriage, significant damage can occur.

It is important that the issue is addressed immediately, that both parties acknowledge what is going on, that the issue is talked about, that a resolution is made and benchmarks set and that, if you can ‘ t resolve the issues, you seek professional help.

Keeping your relationship healthy is important to it ‘ s longevity so work hard to get past issues that arise decisively and move forward. Together.

Do youwantto know more about what to do when boundaries are crossed in marriage
Let me help you, NOW, before its too late!
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How To End a Relationship Without Regret

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Are you wondering how to end a relationship without regret?

Are you mostly sure that the person you are with is not the person for you?

Are you desperate to figure out whether you are doing the right thing?

Are you fully aware that if you don ‘ t do this right you could leave your person devastated?

Ending a relationship without regret is fully possible and how, in an ideal world, every relationship would end.

So, how do you end a relationship and walk away with your head held high?

#1 – Make sure that you give it your best shot.

It ‘ s very important, when you want to end a relationship without regret, is to make sure that you do everything in your power to make it work.

Many people walk away from relationships without really doing the honest work. They leave because their guy doesn ‘ t understand their feelings or their girl won ‘ t let them go out with the guys on the weekends.

In the words of Arianna Grande, ‘ Thank you, next ‘

But what if there is a hidden gem under that surface issue that you don’t seebecause you just up and walk away from a relationship. What if your guy doesn ‘ t understand your feelings but he loves you madly and would love to figure out how to do it but he needs you to show him.

My boyfriend once said to me, in the face of my sadness, ‘ I don ‘ t know what to do!!! ‘ And he didn ‘ t. He had a better idea once I showed him.

So, make sure you aren ‘ t breaking up with someone because of some surface sentiment. Do the work, dig deep, talk to your person about the things that are frustrating you and see if you can fix them so you can continue moving forward together.

Wouldn ‘ t you hate to see your person with someone else, being the person that you wanted them to be but never asked?

#2 – Do it for the right reasons.

Make sure, when you are thinking about how to end a relationship without regret, that you are doing it for the right reasons. If you are ending your relationship because there is someone else, DON ‘ T. The grass isn ‘ t always greener, no matter how amazing it looks right now.

If you are ending your relationship because your friends or family tell you that you should, DON ‘ T. This is your relationship and you need to figure out if this is the person for you.

If you are ending your relationship because your person doesn ‘ t make enough money or isn ‘ t hot enough or listens to weird music, DON ‘ T. Just because someone doesn ‘ t fit society ‘ s ideal of the perfect person, that doesn ‘ t mean they might not be the perfect person for you.

Make sure that you are ending your relationship for the right reasons, that you have given it thought and know that this person is not the right person for you. If you don ‘ t, you might always regret it!

#3 – Don ‘ t be a ghost.

If you want to end a relationship and feel good about it, don ‘ t disappear.

Ghosting seems to be the thing these days – men and women disappearing without a word to their partner. Whether it be because they are scared to face someone or they are too lazy to deal or they are just too busy, people just vanish, never to be heard from again.

And, while this might feel good in the moment, I can promise you that some day you will regret it.

You will regret treating someone with so little respect, knowing that you have hurt them deeply and that you could have done things differently.

Once you ghost someone, you can ‘ t take it back. You will always be the person who did that.

So, if you are considering ghosting your person, don ‘ t. I can promise you that you will regret it, big time, some day.

#4 – Allow them to speak their piece.

When you are breaking up with someone it is important for them to be able to have a conversation with you about your decision to end the relationship.

People like to process break ups and whether the relationship ending abruptly or died a slow death, it is important that each of you get the opportunity to talk about it with the other.

I am not saying that it needs to be hashed out over and over and over but giving each other the chance to say what needs to be said is a very important piece of ending a relationship without regret.

#5 – Do unto others.

If you are still wondering how to end a relationship without regret, here is the gold standard for doing so.

The very best way to end a relationship without regret is by treating your person the way you would want to be treated.

That is not to say that if you aren ‘ t the kind of person who doesn ‘ t want to process a break up verbally you don ‘ t let your partner do that. More what I mean is that I am sure that, if the shoe was on the other foot, you would want to be treated with kindness and respect.You wouldn ‘ t want your person to disappear or talk about you behind your back. You would like to speak your piece and move on.

So, think carefully about how you would feel if someone was breaking up with you and how you would to be treated in the process.

Thinking about how to end a relationship without regret ahead of time is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship ends well.

Having regret about the end of a relationship is something that you will have to live with forever. And I can promise you, from first-hand experience, you don ‘ t want that.

So, make sure that you don ‘ t give up too quickly, that you don ‘ t disappear, that you are doing it for the right reasons and that you allow them to say what they need to say.

If you do these things, you will be able to move forward with a clear conscience and find the love of your life.

Good luck! You can do it!

Do youwantto know more about how to end a relationshipwithoutregret?
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Why Does Love Hurt in a Relationship? 5 Surprising Reasons.

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Why does love hurt? I mean, seriously.

Love in the movies is full of roses and sunshine but, for some reason, in real life it ‘ s different.

Being in love means being in pain. Maybe not all of the time but certainly some of the time.

Many people are in pain because they are actually being physically or psychically abused by their partner. We aren ‘ t going to talk about that today. We are going to talk about why every day, regular, loving relationships can be painful.

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – The uncertainty about the future.

When you are wondering why does love hurt one of the biggest reasons is because of the uncertainty of it all.

Love is wonderful and when we are falling in it we feel so wonderful and secure. And happy. And we get accustomed, in a way, to that security and comfort and we don ‘ t want it to go away.

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees in love. We know that from experience. And our hearts are so scared that this relationship will turn out like others and will cause us pain. Again.

So, it ‘ s the not knowing the future of our relationship – how it will turn out – that causes us physical pain. The anxiety can cause stomach pain, heart ache that feels real, head fog and other physical symptoms. Symptoms that cause us literal and figurative pain.

Try to manage your worries about the future. No one knows what will happen and worrying about it will only take away from the happiness that you are feeling right now.

#2 – The expectations of what could be.

Unfortunately, it ‘ s that darn future that causes love to hurt in a relationship.

For many of us, living in the moment is very difficult. Instead of enjoying where we are right now, we project ahead to the future. Even if you are secure in your relationship, wondering what is next can cause physical and psychic pain.

It ‘ s those questions that you run over and over in your head that do it. When will I see him again? What will we do, if anything, this weekend? When can we move in together? When will she introduce me to her friends?

Again, worrying about the future, even in a secure, committed relationship, can cause pain. The symptoms can be similar to those described above. You might also find yourself feeling needy and clingy, neither of which are very fun for your partner.

So, if this is you, worrying about the future constantly, try to let it go and focus on right now.

#3 – The chemical crash.

Another reason that love is so painful is because of our body ‘ s chemistry.

When we are falling in love, all sorts of wonderful chemicals are coursing through our bodies.

Dopamine, serotine, oxytocin and endorphins are all stimulated when we are experiencing love and lust. Those chemicals feels SO good that they are, in a way, addictive. Because our bodies only produce them at certain times, like when we are falling in love or after we exercise, when we don ‘ t have them we crave them.

You know how, when after a lovely weekend together, you separate and the feeling is intensely painful? That is because your body is literally going into withdrawal of those chemicals that make you feel so good. And you won ‘ t feel them again until you have some contact with your person.

This withdrawal is extremely painful and we will do just about anything to ease the pain. This need leads to anxiety about when we will see them again and the suffering is intensified.

If they are struggling with withdrawal pain, I encourage my clients to exercise. Dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins are generated by exercise and you can, at least temporarily, get those chemicals coursing through your blood again and alleviate that pain.

#4 – The baggage we bring.

Yes, we have all been in and out of love over the course of our lifetime and, for many of us, the memories of what caused previous heartbreak is real and still present in our mind. As a result, we bring the baggage from past relationships into our new ones and that can cause pain.

I know that I have had a number of boyfriends who have let me down. They made me promises, big promises, and then didn ‘ t follow through with them, leaving me heartbroken.

As a result, when I am in a new relationship, I am constantly on the lookout for being let down. Sometimes it ‘ s so bad that I set up my new guy to let me down, just to see what he will do.

This baggage, baggage that comes from past relationships, can cause us a lot of pain in our new ones. And that is dangerous because we don ‘ t want that baggage to interfere with the new one ‘ s success.

If you are carrying pain from past relationships, try to let it go and not project it onto your new partner. It ‘ s not his fault that another guy messed up so don ‘ t make him pay for it!

#5 – The letdown.

You know when you are falling in love and you are so excited that you finally met a person who had their shit together and knew how to treat you. Years and years of searching and FINALLY you hit paydirt!

Or did you?

When we are falling in love, all we know is that our person is perfect. But then, as time goes on, our person reveals more of who he is and we learn that maybe he isn ‘ t exactly who we thought he was.

I am not saying that your perfect guy turned out to be a narcissistic sociopath (although that does happen) but your perfect guy does turn out to be imperfect.

Perhaps the guy who always used to hold the door for you sometimes doesn ‘ t. Or perhaps he has revealed himself to be a bit of a slob. Perhaps he spends more time at work then he used to or he plays a few more video games then you might like.

When the person we thought was perfect turns out not to be, there can be a huge letdown. It ‘ s not that they aren ‘ t perfect enough to keep around but sometimes the awakening can be a rude one. And a painful one.

So, what do you do when the letdown causes you pain? You take stock of the good things about your person (like the fact that he isn ‘ t a narcissitic sociopath) and, if necessary, address the things that might not be so perfect. If you know that the video games are going to be an issue, either talk to him about how you feel about them or choose to accept them as part of your life.

Either way, don ‘ t let the fact that your person isn ‘ t the perfect person you thought he was get in the way of your happiness. You probably aren ‘ t quite the person he thought you were either and still he stays.

Why does love hurt? Why can ‘ t life be easy and full of joy?

On some level, these are existential questions but there also some concrete reasons why.

Fortunately, the pain doesn ‘ t need to mark the end of a relationship. Take stock of the things that are causing you pain and take steps to address them.

Are you feeling uncertain about your future? Do you wonder about expectations? Do you struggle with the chemical crash or the weight of the baggage that you bring? Do you wonder if this imperfect person is the one for you?

Address these things one at a time and the pain that you feel in your relationship can be managed and reduced.

Love can be wonderful and love can be painful. Make sure that the balance of the two is equal and you can live happily ever after!

You can do it!

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25 Toxic Relationship Quotes To Help You Move On

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I truly believe that one of the best ways to successfully get out of a toxic relationship is with support from others who have shared in the same experience.

To that end, I have gathered 25 toxic relationship quotes to give you the inspiration and support that you need to get yourself out of a relationship that is sucking you dry and to give you the inspiration to live a full life.

The quotes are from celebrities and authors, sages and unknowns. All of them spoke to me and I am sure will speak to you too.

Dear Self: Stop re-opening your doors for toxic people…then calling it “seeking closure.” Certain things don’t work out in life ‘ ¦ and that’s ok. – Reyna Biddy

You can ‘ t fight for a place in someone ‘ s life because no matter how hard you try to keep your place…they ‘ ll put you where they want to even if it ‘ s not where you should be. – Anon

Sometimes it’s better to end something & try to start something new than imprison yourself in hoping for the impossible.– Karen Salmansohn

Thank you. Next.– Ariana Grande

You survived the abuse. You ‘ re going to survive the recovery. – Anon

When it comes to abuse, you believe there ‘ s no way out. There is always help. There is always a way out. – Rev. Donna Mulvey

Please don ‘ t settle for temporary pleasures. You ‘ re worth more than a late-night text and an uncommitted soul. – Unknown

Strong women get tired, strong women feel broken, strong women eventually get fed up, strong women will eventually walk away for good.– r.h. sin

When a strong woman finally gives up it ‘ s not because she is weak or because she no longer loves her man. To put it in the simplest terms – she is just tired. She is tired of the games, she is tired of the sleepless nights, she is tired of feeling like she is all alone and its only one thing. She is tired. – Anon

One ‘ s dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered. – Michael J. Fox

I hope you fall in love with someone who always texts you back and who never lets you fall asleep thinking you are unwanted. – Unknown

Some people won ‘ t love you no matter what you do. Some people won ‘ t stop loving you no matter what you do. Go where the love is. – Karen Salmansohn

Sometimes a man ‘ s purpose in a woman ‘ s life is to help her become a better woman…for another man. – Anon

If he ‘ s not doing anything to keep you then why are you trying so hard to stay? Taylor Swift

Cheer up sweet, beautiful girl. You are going to be in love again and it ‘ s going to be magnificent. – Anon

If you are brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello.– Paulo Coelho

Just because your past didn ‘ t turn out like you wanted it to doesn ‘ t mean your future can ‘ t be better then you have ever imagined. – Unknown

Love is the strongest and most fragile thing we have in life. Nothing is ever for sure, but when something in love doesn’t work from the beginning, it’s never going to work. Don’t push it. – Vanessa Paradis

You deserve to be with someone who looks at you every day like they have won the lottery and they have the whole world in front of them. – Anon

My life basically blew up in my face. And now I ‘ m in this new life, and it ‘ s pretty awesome I have to say ‘ ” I ‘ m so inspired. Everything just feels new. – Gwen Stefani

You need to keep on moving, darling, or you will miss the train to a better life than this. – Unknown

Pour yourself a drink, put some lipstick on and pull yourself together.– Liz Taylor

The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends. – Gwyneth Paltrow

You are one decision away from a totally different life. – Unknown

You will find love again, and it will be even more beautiful! In the meantime enjoy all that YOU are! – Rihanna

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together -Marilyn Monroe

So there you are, 25 toxic relationship quotes to help you move on.

I hope they have inspired you to know that you deserve better than someone who doesn’t love and value you everyday and that, if you choose to leave, a better life awaits you.

Go for it! Life is yours for the taking!

Do youwantto know more about how to get out of a toxic relationship?
Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

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