Feeling Down in the Dumps? 7 Practical Tips to Improve Your Mood

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You know those days when you are feeling completely down in the dumps?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Feeling down in the dumps, more often than not, means that you are struggling with some kind of depression. I know the word is scary but it doesn’t have to be.

Knowing how to deal with it can help you move past it and live the life you want!

Let me help you manage the depression. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

From Dumps to Delight: 7 Strategies to Boost Your Mood

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result of your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also be caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, your inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and we cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed, I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed, you are ready.

#3 – Control your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there, and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option, but I just get more depressed when I try and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Get outside.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to get outside and go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two birds with one stone. Or rather, three!

Walking encourages deep breathing, which calms you down quickly. Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5- Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you instead of having them rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with people who love you.

I know. When you are feeling down in the dumps, one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#7 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems, and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse, which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day, and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps more often than not, it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend, and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

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There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

5 Signs That it’s Time to Break Up With Someone

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Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone who is making you miserable?

Are you unhappy in your relationship but perhaps rationalizing why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else?

Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again?

Let me help you.

Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that ‘ s hard to let go of.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time to end your relationship and move on.

#1 – Can you talk about things?

Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding about what is being said. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They aren ‘ t able to address issues and so they fester.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you don ‘ t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.

#2 – Are you getting mixed messages?

Is your person alternating hot and cold?

Do some days they seem like their loving self and then on others are they crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Are they one moment kind and loving and then another dismissive and condescending?

Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses?

Is the way they are treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?

People who are ‘ ˜all in ‘ in a relationship don ‘ t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh word, but people in healthy relationships, in general, treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors.

If your person makes you feel constantly off kilter and anxious, it is definitely a sign that it might be time to let them go.

#3 – Does history keeps repeating itself?

Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your person tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

Do you fight over the same subjects over and over?

Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one, or both, of you try?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to let break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.

#4 – Are you staying for the wrong reasons?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can ‘ t let this person go because you believe if you do that you will never love, or be loved, again?

Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread?

Perhaps you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don ‘ t believe in giving up?

Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough?

If you are staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you are staying for the wrong reasons.

Know that, you will only find the love and happiness you seek if you can let go of someone who is wrong for you and move forward to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

#5 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life has to revolve around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he is gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home and watch what he wants to watch every night.

She has been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

She doesn ‘ t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that is making her miserable.

Make sure that, when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

Make sure that you are making choices for how you want to live your life and that you aren ‘ t being controlled by your partner.

If you have lost yourself and your life is out of you control, perhaps it ‘ s time to break up with someone who has made it that way.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone because you suspect, deep down, that this relationship will only make you miserable.

But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy.

I can promise you that holding onto to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, to a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can really love you the way that you want to be loved!

You can do this! I promise.

To help you let go of love and move on, I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it to be just the thing you need to take that first step towards the rest of your life!

5 Ways to Forgive Someone Who Has Had an Affair

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If you have just found out that your partner has cheated, I am guessing that you are asking yourself how to forgive someone who has had an affair.

I mean, your person has betrayed you. The person you love and want to be with has been with someone else.

And you wonder if you will ever be able to get past it. Ever be able to be happy with your person again.

I can tell you that it is possible to forgive someone who has had an affair, but that it will take some time and effort.

If forgiveness is something that you actively seek, here are 5 things that you can do to get there.

#1 – Ask yourself if and why you really want this.

You have been betrayed. You are devastated. You are angry. You are sad.

And you probably want, more than anything, to go back to that time when you didn ‘ t know your partner had cheated because you were happy then.

So, let me ask you, are you seeking to forgive your partner so that your life can get back to normal? Or are you seeking to forgive your partner because you want to move forward with your partner toward a healthy relationship?

Forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean burying your head in the sand so that you can get back to the way things were. Doing so will only prolong your pain and any chance of recovery.

Once you are clear on why you want to work to forgive, it is important that you decide whether or not forgiveness is something that you are determined to achieve. This process won ‘ t be easy, and it ‘ s going to take determination and work to get to that place where you can forgive and move forward.

So, take a good hard look at whether you think you can get to a place of forgiveness. You might find that you aren ‘ t sure if you can get there yet but that you are ok taking the first steps down the road. Take it one step at a time, reevaluating as you go along if forgiveness is possible.

#2 – Talk to your partner ‘ ¦

It is essential that you and your partner discuss what has happened.

There has been a betrayal, and there is a serious breach of trust between the two of you. And for you to be able to move forward, your partner needs to acknowledge what has happened and accept responsibility.

Many people, after they have cheated, refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of saying, ‘ ˜yes, I did it, ‘ they lie, they deny, they blame, they justify.

You will find it very difficult to forgive someone who doesn ‘ t acknowledge their actions and the effect that it has had on you.

It is essential that you and your partner are able to talk honestly about what happened so that can have the opportunity to forgive. If your partner doubles down and refuses to discuss it, you will be left with nothing but questions and pain, which will make forgiveness impossible.

#3 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t ask for details.

I have a client who, once she found out that her husband was having an affair, insisted that he let her read all of the correspondence between him and his lover. Boy, did she regret it?

On top of the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her, after reading the texts, she had insight into the intimacies they shared. His declaration that he needed to be with his lover, his lover saying deprecating things about my client, their plans for going away together, and talk of the future were all devastating to see.

And once she had seen them, she could never unsee them.

What happened next? Even though she wanted to forgive him, even though he was willing to take responsibility for what happened, and even though they sought help, the words that she read stayed in her head, playing themselves over and over and over. As a result, she was never able to reach the forgiveness that they both hoped she would achieve and their marriage ended.

So, talk to your partner but don ‘ t ask for details. If you do, you might very well regret it.

#4 – Get help.

It is important that you get help processing what happened with your partner.

You have been betrayed by the person you loved. You are most likely furious, but you are also devastated. You might even blame yourself. All of these things are things that, if left unmanaged, can hinder your ability to forgive and only plunge you down into a darker place.

I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist or a life coach, to process what has happened, to take a look at your role in it, to define steps that you, personally, need to take to work through this and to hold yourself accountable to do so.

If you actively want to forgive someone who has had an affair, get some help. Don ‘ t just talk to your friends about what happened. They will tell you what you want to hear, which won ‘ t help you move forward and might even hinder it.

#5 – Consider couple ‘ s counseling.

Ok, you have decided that you are going to work to try to forgive your partner for what happened. You have talked about it together, and you have done some work on your own to process what you are going through and how to take care of yourself.

Now comes this very important part. Counseling.

Ugh, I know. Counseling sounds so horrible, and for many people, the embarrassment around an affair is enough to make them avoid therapy at all costs.

But, the affair didn ‘ t happen in a void. There was something missing or amiss in your relationship that opened up the door for cheating. And this thing is important to identify.

Furthermore, a therapist can help the betrayer understand how the betrayed feels, which I have found is a key to forgiveness – knowing that the person truly understands the effect the cheating had on them.

I know that your instinct is to try to work through this together without help. I am guessing that your partner, particularly, doesn ‘ t want to go down this road with a professional but getting some guidance when working through this is the key to being able to forgive someone who has had an affair.

Learning how to forgive someone who has had an affair is not an easy thing.

What has happened is big – almost like a death – and dealing with it will take time and work.

Not everyone can reach a place of forgiveness, and if that is you, it ‘ s ok. It ‘ s ok to want to move forward alone, so don ‘ t judge yourself for deciding to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to forgive and move forward, it ‘ s definitely worth trying, so go for it! You might just find a happier, healthier relationship on the other side!

Am I Depressed or Just Sad? 5 Key Signs To Watch For

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Many of us, when we are feeling down about our lives or ourselves, wonder if we are depressed or just sad. Should we be worried about our mood or should we just ride it out? ‘

There is a fine line between being sad and being depressed. Knowing the differences is key to knowing how to manage and treat how you are feeling.

While there are many different variations of depression, there are two fundamental forms. Chemical depression, is depression caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, one that is often genetic or the result of trauma. Situational depression is usually a short-term sadness, often brought on by a life event.

Which one are you struggling with? There are some ways to tell.

Here are 5 Signs To Know That You Are Depressed Or Just Sad:

#1 – Has something happened?

One way to tell if you are depressed or just sad is to consider what is happening in your life right now.

Has your dog died? Is a parent sick? Have you lost your job? Did you have a car accident?

Sometimes, life events happen that make us feel overwhelmed and sad. It happens. And the result of those life events can cause situational depression, a short-term feeling of depression, one that feels bad but will most likely pass.

The key thing to ask yourself, if you are wondering if you are depressed or just sad, is if you felt this way before this thing, or things, happened or did your mood change because of the event. If you were fine before the event happened, then you are most likely just sad and the depression will pass with time.

If you were feeling this way before, you just might be dealing with chemical depression so read on!

#2 – Have you been feeling down for a while?

Of course, after your dog dies, you are going to feel sad for a while. Just looking at the chair that they slept on can send you down into a dark hole. But, with time, while the pain and sadness is still there, it will ease and you will be able to go on with your life.

If you find that you aren ‘ t feeling better with time but in fact are feeling the same or worse, then it could be that you are dealing with a chemical depression. Depression is caused by something more systemic than a life event.

So, try to look back on the past few days, weeks, months and years and see where your moods have been. Have you been up and down, as life throws its curveballs at you, or do you find that you have been down more often than up?

If you can ‘ t remember how the past period of time has been, start keeping a mood chart. Keep track, on a daily basis, of how your mood is.

On a scale of 1-10, keep track of where your mood is each day, 10 being great, and 1 being horrible. This way, you will have a record of your moods, and you can watch what happens to them.

If you are consistently below a 5, then that ‘ s a piece of information. If you are up and down the whole spectrum, that ‘ s another piece of information.

You can use this information to help yourself, your doctor or your friends understand what is happening with your moods so that you can figure out how to deal with them.

#3 – Are you feeling hopeless?

The hallmark of chemical depression is hopelessness. That feeling that you will never be happy again, that you will never love or be loved, that life isn ‘ t worth living and why should you even bother, anyway. I am not saying you are suicidal (although you might be), but you are definitely questioning everything that life has to offer.

When we are struggling with sadness with situational depression, generally, our outlook isn ‘ t hopeless. When my dog died, I was sad, but I didn ‘ t struggle with questioning my life or examining my choices. I was just sad that she wasn ‘ t here with me, and I missed her. I miss her still, but now I have a cat, and I am happy.

So, if you find that you are struggling with hopelessness and despair, you might consider that you are struggling with more than just sadness and that it ‘ s time to get help.

#4 – Is it getting worse?

Depression gets worse the longer it goes untreated. It ‘ s a sad fact, but it ‘ s true.

Do you find that your depression is worsening over time? Has it come and gone in recent years but are you finding that it is present more often than not? Are you finding it harder to deal with than before?

Usually, when we are sad, our sadness doesn ‘ t progressively get worse. Instead, it gets better. When my mom died, the first few weeks and months were incredibly painful. I was sad sad, sad. But, as life has gone on and time has passed, my sadness has lessened. Yes, I still have moments when I am deeply sad but that sadness passes. It certainly hasn ‘ t gotten worse.

If you find that your down mood is getting worse and not better, you might definitely be struggling with depression and learning how to manage it is important.

#5 – Does depression run in your family?

In my family, depression goes back generations. My great-grandfather was institutionalized for 40 years and my grandfather was subjected to horrific treatments in the 50 ‘ s. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 42 and learned then that, in many cases, depression, and other mood disorders, are passed down in the family.

Of course, families can struggle with situational depression. My siblings and my kids were as devastated as I was about my mom ‘ s death and we all struggled. But we have all been able to move forward and not have the sadness affect our lives.

Consider your family. Does your mother or your sister struggle with their moods? Does your dad get angry easily or your child disappear into their rooms some days? It is very likely that, if someone else in your family struggles like you do, then you very well might be chemically depressed and it might be time to get help.

Knowing if you are depressed or just sad is a key part to figuring out how to manage it.

If you find that nothing significant has happened in your life, that your hopelessness has been with you for a while and is getting worse, and if mood disorders run in your family, then you might be struggling with chemical depression. And if you are dealing with chemical depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to see what kind of treatment they might recommend to help you manage it.

If you are sad because of a recent loss in your life or something that has happened but your sadness hasn ‘ t lasted for a long time or is getting worse, then you might be dealing with situational depression. I would encourage you to take care of yourself, eat and sleep well, exercise and see if it passes with time.

If it doesn ‘ t, again, reach out to your primary care doctor and see what they might recommend to help you get through this rough period of time.

Depression and sadness don ‘ t have to hold you back from living your life! Face them head on, learn how to manage them and move forward. You will be ok!

How to Stand up to Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

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I know it might seem impossible to do but knowing how to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you is the key to being happy.

So many of us do it – no matter how badly we are treated, we won ‘ t walk away. We want so badly to love and be loved and we never want to give up hope, so we stay. And we suffer.

If you have a clear understanding of the specific things that you need to do to successfully stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you, you will have a far better chance of doing so and being happy.

So, how do you stand up for, and get, what you want?

#1 – Don ‘ t justify their behaviors.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients justify their person ‘ s behavior when they are treated badly.

I have a client whose guy was always late. It was so disrespectful. What did she do? She justified it by saying he had to help people at his recovery group. How could she be upset if he was helping others?

Another client said that her boyfriend could never go out after work because he had to be there for his kids – even on days that he didn ‘ t have them. She said that he must have had other things to do with them – every time he used that excuse.

How about your person? Does your person do things that you know aren ‘ t ok and are you willing to write those things off? If you had a friend who told you the things that your person is doing to you was being done to them, would you tell them to run and run fast?

It is important that you don ‘ t justify your person ‘ s behaviors. The reality is is that a person who values someone makes time for them, isn ‘ t always making excuses and treats them like they are a priority.

Don ‘ t kid yourself if things are otherwise. You will regret it!

#2 – Don ‘ t lose yourself.

Many of us, particularly those of us who are being undervalued in a relationship, lose ourselves when we are involved with someone.

Those things that we used to do to make ourselves laugh, to make us feel good about ourselves, that made us feel loved and respected, those things get put to the side in our desire to commit ourselves to our relationship above all else.

A few years back, I was in a relationship with someone who didn ‘ t value me. When I met him, I was a single woman living very happily in NYC with my dog. I was running my own business and doing volunteer work that I loved. I respected myself.

Two years later, I was a shell of that person. Two years of being undervalued had made me believe that I really was worth nothing. And, as a result, standing up to him, standing up for myself, was almost impossible. I didn ‘ t value myself – how could I expect him to value me?

So, make sure that, whether your relationship is a healthy one or not, that you don ‘ t lose yourself to it. Keep your hobbies, your friends and your family in your life, focus on your career, take care of yourself. All of these things will keep you self-assured and aware that you deserve to be valued, no matter what, and you will feel more confident standing up for yourself!

#3 – Don ‘ t overcompensate.

Does this sound like you?

Does your person come home late and you still have dinner hot and ready for him?

Does your person not call for days and when she finally does, do you act like nothing is wrong?

Does he say unkind things to you and you just try to let them roll off your back?

Do you tiptoe around her, doing whatever you can to keep her happy so that she will love you?

If you do any of these things, you are overcompensating. You are doing all of the work in the relationship. You believe that if you only try hard enough, aren ‘ t difficult or demanding, flexible to whatever their whims are, then your person won ‘ t leave you.

Guess what – it just doesn ‘ t work!

As a matter of fact, if you work overtime to make your person happy, in spite of the way that they treat you, you are just making things worse. The more you overcompensate, the more likely they are to lose respect for you, which will only lead them to treating you worse.

So, if your person is treating you badly, don ‘ t bend over backwards to try to make them happy. If you stand up for yourself you are way more likely to get what you want – happiness and respect.

#4 – Don ‘ t stay for the wrong reasons.

I know that you aren ‘ t that happy in your relationship or you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article. So, I ask you – why are you staying?

Are you staying because of how happy you guys were in the beginning? Are you staying because you don ‘ t want to be alone? Are you staying because you have invested so much time? Are you staying because you don ‘ t want to start dating again? Are you staying because you ‘ ˜aren ‘ t a quitter? ‘ Are you staying because you are worried that you won ‘ t ever love or be loved again?

None of those reasons are a reason to stay in a relationship where someone doesn’t value you. The only reason to stay in this relationship is because you are happy. Don ‘ t stay in this relationship because you think your person can change. That, if you are nice enough, they will go back to the way things were in the beginning. Stay because you are happy with how things are right now.

And leave if you aren ‘ t!

Don ‘ t stay for the wrong reasons. It ‘ s a huge waste of time, time that you could be spending finding someone who will value you and love you forever.

#5 – Don ‘ t stick around.

The number one way to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you is to walk away. Yes, walk away.

I know it seems easier said than done but if you can walk away from your person you will accomplish one of two things.

First, by walking away, by standing up for yourself, you could earn the respect of the person who has been treating you badly. There is nothing sexier than someone who advocates for themselves, who sees their own value.

Second, if you walk away from someone who doesn ‘ t value you, you will open yourself up to finding someone who does. The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it will take you to be happy. If you stay in this relationship, as it is, with you being undervalued, your chances of being happy are greatly diminished!

So, be prepared to walk away if you can ‘ t get the respect you deserve!

If you need to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you, do so soon!

Every moment that you waste being with someone who makes you unhappy is a wasted moment.

I know that you might think that he is your ‘ ˜soulmate ‘ but I can promise you that your soulmate would never treat you the way you have been treated!

So take steps NOW to make change – whatever change you need to do to set yourself up for a life full of happiness and love!

Why ‘No Contact’ Is Essential if You Want To Let Go of Your Ex

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I tell my clients that, if you want to let go of your ex, once and for all, you must go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And the first thing that I usually hear back is ‘ ˜ugh. ‘

What do I mean by ‘ ˜no contact? ‘ Blocking them on your phone, unfriending and unfollowing them, staying away from places you might see them, not letting them sneak back in through any back doors.

In the old days, when we broke up with someone, it was much easier to let them go. We didn ‘ t have access to an assortment of social media platforms where we could check up on our exes. We couldn ‘ t google stalk them. We couldn ‘ t text them when the urge struck. Unless we ran into them somewhere, they would truly be out of sight.

And out of sight means out of mind. And out of mind helped us move on.

I know things are different now but the need to move on is the same so, if you want to let go of your ex, ‘ ˜no contact ‘ is essential.

Why?

#1 – You will go back to Day One.

The number one reason to go no contact is because, with every point of contact that you have, you go back to day one, to that last moment you saw them, that moment that you walked away in incredible pain.

I use the analogy of trying to quit smoking. When you decide to quit something, you go cold turkey. You take it day by day and as the days past the pain of the loss gets less and less. And then, one day down the road, you decide to have one cigarette. And it ‘ s hard to have just one cigarette. Before you know it, you are smoking half a pack a day, knowing that soon you are going to have to go through the pain of quitting all over again.

Similarly, if you are getting a little bit better each day, even if you miss your ex, looking at them on social media or sending them a text, will set you back to the beginning, back at the bottom of the mountain that you had made good progress scaling.

And you don ‘ t want that, do you?

#2 – Memories can be painful. And compelling.

If you want to let go of your ex but are struggling to do so, memories are things that might be holding you back.

Unfortunately, after a break up, what we usually hold onto is the good memories and not the bad ones. The good memories were wonderful times but reliving them constantly makes it hard to move on.

Social media and our phones are full of opportunities for us to rekindle those memories. There are Instagram posts of your trip to Mexico and FB messenger text streams from when you were first talking. Your phone contains selfies of everything that you ever did. And you want more of those memories because you they were so wonderful. So, you reach out.

I believe that going no contact means getting rid of those opportunities to rekindle memories, getting rid of the pain that those memories can lead to.

Unfollow them on Instagram, unfriend them on Facebook and file away those selfies to a place you can ‘ t easily access them.

If you don ‘ t relive those memories, in whatever form, healing will be quicker and less painful.

#3 – Closure is a myth.

I 100% think that closure is a myth. I believe that closure is just one more opportunity to be in your person ‘ s presence and perhaps convince them to give you another chance.

If you are in contact with your person, the inclination, for either one of you, to try to get some closure is greatly enhanced.

And what will that closure do? It will open up old wounds that need to be hashed out. Tempers might flare and hurting things might be said. Being in the same personal space as your person might lead to intimacy which will only cause more confusion. You might walk away from it more devastated than you were before.

Yes, yes. I know the mention of sex might have made you pick your head up and smile but, really, sex with your ex is fraught with complicated emotions and, while it might feel good in the moment, the repercussions can be huge. Talking can do the same – only cause more pain than you were feeling before.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. It will only set you back in a big way.

#4 – Yo-yoing makes things worse.

For many of my clients, they are broken up with and left devastated only to have their person reappear in their lives. Day, weeks or months after a break up their text alert goes off and there is their person, saying ‘ ˜hi. ‘ That ‘ ˜hi ‘ can lead to more communication, doing things together, intimacy and raised hopes. More often than not, however, their ex, ultimately, pulls back again, walking away and leaving them feeling worse than before.

And, often, this precise series of events happens over and over, leaving my clients confused and devastated, full of false hope and unwilling to let go.

How bad does that sounds? Worse than where you are right now? It is worse. I can promise you that.

If you don ‘ t go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ then the chances of yo-yoing occurring are greatly enhanced. Any opportunity that your ex might have to contact you, or even if you contact them, the more likely it is that you will go down that rabbit hole that will, ultimately, only cause you more pain.

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

I am sure that you are thinking that there is no way that your self-esteem can be worse than it is right now. Your relationship has ended, for whatever reason, and it has left you questioning yourself. So, how can reaching out or stalking them make things worse?

Imagine this. You text your ex for whatever reason and they don ‘ t text you back. How will you feel as you sit there waiting, gradually accepting the fact that you aren ‘ t important enough to respond to? Or you do some innocent stalking on Instagram and see your guy with a cute blond. Or his parents, who you loved, post a picture of all of them together at the summer house.

Will any of those things make you feel better about yourself? Instead of just feeling sad, might you feel abandoned, replaced or forgotten? And what will all those feelings do to your self-esteem.

On the other hand, if you do resist the temptation to text or stalk, you will take back your power. You will choose to put the past behind you and only look forward. And that, more than anything, will help you rebuild your self-esteem so that you can move on and be happy.

‘ ˜I am serious, ‘ I tell my clients, ‘ ˜If you want to let go of your ex, you will have to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ If you can ‘ t do it, you will have no chance of getting past the pain and moving on. ‘

So, how does one go no contact? How does one fill that empty space left by the person who left?

I encourage people to just take it day by day. If you think to yourself that you will never talk to your ex again, you will be completely overwhelmed, but if you tell yourself that you aren ‘ t going to reach out to them today, that seems reasonable. And if you take it one day at a time you will eventually just have done it.

That ‘ s what I did with my ex. For years we had gone up and down, trying to break up and yoyoing back and forth. And then, one day, I decided to go no contact. After a few days, he reached out, as was our pattern. And this time I didn ‘ t answer him. He tried again a few days later. I didn ‘ t answer him. Now, here I am, 4 years of no contact, madly in love with someone else and so thankful that I had the strength to do it!

You can too!

How to let Go of a Married Man, Even if You Still Love Him

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Are you wondering how to let go of a married man, someone you are madly in love with but who is hurting you over and over and over?

If you have been looking around online, you have probably discovered that there are millions of chat boards devoted to just this topic. And they don ‘ t make you hopeful.

The question at hand is: will your guy ever leave his wife and, if he doesn ‘ t, what to do about it and how to let go if you decide to leave?

Knowing ahead of time how to let go of a married man will help you take that big step to let go so that you can be happy and find love again.

#1 – Be honest with yourself.

Ok, here you are, reading this article, so you must be thinking about leaving your guy.

Why? I am guessing the reasons are something like this:

  • He keeps breaking his promises
  • He couldn ‘ t be there on your birthday
  • You never get to go out anywhere
  • He puts his family first
  • You are lonely
  • You feel horrible about yourself.

Do any of these reasons sound familiar? I am guessing that you have had some version of each of them almost daily since this whole thing began.

It is time for you to start really paying attention to these thoughts, to truly be honest with yourself about the future of your relationship with this man. Yes, you love him but do you truly see the happily ever after up ahead?

I would encourage you to take written stock of all of the hurts and broken promises. Seeing them in a list will make it even clearer to you why you must leave your guy, for once and for all.

Be honest with yourself. It ‘ s time.

#2 – Cut him off.

There is only one way that you will be successful at letting go of your guy. And that is if you cut him off completely.

Cut him off on all social media, block him on your phone, absolutely no sex, no late night supportive conversations. No ‘ ˜just being friends. ‘ Nothing.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes being confident that you can do this because it is key!

Your married guy isn ‘ t going to want to let you go. I mean, why would he with the sex and support that you give him? And because of this, he will use every opportunity that he has to get back in with you. If you leave the door open a crack, he will get it fully open before you know it.

So, if you want to succeed this time at letting go of your married man, I would encourage you to be prepared to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And when you do so, try to take it one day at a time. Don ‘ t think ‘ ˜I will never talk to him again ‘ because that will be overwhelming. Just think ‘ ˜I am not going to talk to him today. ‘ That is way more manageable.

I know it seems impossible right now but you can do it. I did and you can too.

#3 – Get to know yourself again.

I was involved with a married man once. He was ‘ ˜getting separated ‘ but it took almost a year to make that happen. And in that time, I totally lost myself.

When I met him, I was a single woman, living in New York City, running my own business and volunteering in the mental health field. I was healthy and happy and living the dream.

When he re-entered my life (I was in love with him in college), I couldn ‘ t have been more prepared for a healthy relationship so I thought I would be just fine waiting for him to leave.

Boy, was I wrong.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I totally lost who I was. I was so distracted by the situation that I couldn ‘ t focus on my business, my health failed, my depression soared and it felt like my life was falling apart.

The first thing that I did when I managed to finally go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him was to do something that I used to love doing – taking a road trip!

I packed up my car and drove down to North Carolina where I spent a few days with a friend. The adventure kept my mind busy and helped me remember the woman I had been before. The happy, hot, self-confident woman who could the world.

Getting to know that person again made me strong enough to continue to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him and start to build my life again.

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

I am guessing that, over the time you have been with your married man, you have separated yourself, to some degree, from those who love you.

The time that you spent, waiting near your phone, in case your guy called you. The time that you didn ‘ t schedule things to do with people because you wanted to be available in case your guy was. The time that you didn ‘ t spend with your friends because they didn ‘ t want to hear any more about your married guy.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes spending time with people you love, as often as possible. Not only will doing so keep your mind busy, so that you aren ‘ t obsessing about your guy, but it will help you touch base again with the amazing person who you are.

And your friends will be so thrilled that you have your head on straight that they will be happy to join you on all of those adventures that you are ready to take.

#5 – Believe that you will love again.

I am guessing that this is the number one thing that is holding you back from letting go of your married guy. The fear that, if you do, you will never be loved again.

I am guessing that you might no longer believe that your guy is your soul mate – I mean how could a soul mate hurt you so much? But he is someone you love and someone who you have invested a lot of your precious time. The idea of starting over is daunting.

What I can promise you is this – if you stay with your married guy, how your life is right now is most likely how your life will be for the foreseeable future. Can you imagine?

But, if you can extricate yourself from this relationship now, yes, you will have to put yourself out there but you are way more willing to meet a guy who will love you truly and who is ready to devote his life to you.

You will love again. Maybe even more than once. But you will love again, I promise!

Knowing how to let go of a married man is the number one way to actually make it happen.

Much like we must prepare for a test or a life event, knowing the steps that you will have to take to do the hard task will prepare you for doing it. Knowing what is ahead might not make it all seem so daunting.

With that in mind, be honest with yourself about the relationship. Be prepared to cut him off immediately. Renew your relationship with yourself, and your friends and family, and know that you will love, and be loved, again.

I know it seems impossible but you can do it! I did and I am truly living happily ever after!

5 Ways to Accept That He Doesn’t Want You So That You Can Move On

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Learning how to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.

You love him and, in spite of you knowing that something just isn ‘ t right, you refuse to accept the fact that your relationship might be over.

And I get it. Who wants to let go of someone they love?

It is important, however, for you to work to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you so that you can finally let go and move forward.

Here are 5 ways to do so.

#1 – Look for red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. We all hate red flags, don ‘ t we?

Why? Because red flags are those things that we are ignoring in an attempt to save our relationship.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who, I believed, always had one foot out the door. He would tell her he was coming over and then he would show up 4 hours late or not at all. When he did come over, he just wanted to have sex. He didn ‘ t ask about her day or take her out on dates.

All of these things she justified some way or another. And none of these things did she tell me about until after they finally broke up, so I knew that she knew that those things were not ok.

Our guys might tell us they want to be with us but it ‘ s important that you look at their actions as well. If you sense that anything is off, pay attention, don ‘ t explain it away.

If you do recognize those red flags, it might just help you accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#2 – Talk to your friends.

Think about that time you were sitting with your friend and she was telling you some god-awful story about a guy she was seeing. The stories were truly horrible and all you could think was ‘ ˜Why is she still with this guy. It ‘ s so clear that he is blowing her off? ‘ And when you tried to point it out, she was full of excuses for his behavior.

Well, right now you are that person, the one sitting with a friend, telling the stories. And your friend is the one there, rolling her eyes, telling you to walk away, fast.

LISTEN TO THEM! Most often, our friends have only our best interests in mind and I guarantee that they see things more clearly than you do right now.

We have friends for a reason – helping us see clearly is one of them!

#3 – Listen to his words.

My client whose boyfriend didn ‘ t show up on time, or ever, was always telling her that he wasn ‘ t ready to be in a relationship, that he had to work on his sobriety and get his shit together. She believed that if she could just love him enough, take good enough care of him, that he would see that he did want to be with her and they would live happily ever after.

And, while he was always telling her he didn ‘ t want a relationship, he was happy letting her cook him dinner, drive him to work, have sex with him, whatever he needed. And she was happy to do it because she wanted him to love her.

If your guy is letting you do all of these wonderful things for him but is still telling you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, listen to him. I know that he sending you mixed messages but I can promise you that the one about not being in a relationship is the one that is real.

So, listen to him. It might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#4 – Write things down.

After my client finally let go of her boyfriend, she started telling me what things had really been like in the relationship. That he wasn ‘ t showing up, was treating her badly when he did and how he told her, over and over, that he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

In spite of all of those things, she still couldn ‘ t accept that he didn ‘ t want her because she looked at each issue individually, not as a group. She didn ‘ t see the systemic patterns that indicated that he didn ‘ t want to be with her.

I had her start writing down the things that he did to her as she remembered them. A lot of them, her mind had pushed way down deep because of her denial but they popped up when she dug for them.

Within the first day, she had a list a full page long. Over the next week it became even longer. When she saw all the things that he had done listed in front of her, it was way easier for her to see that he had been treating her badly and sending her signals for a long time that he didn ‘ t want to truly be with her and that she was the only one trying to make it work.

So, take stock of the words and deeds that your guy is saying and doing that don ‘ t make you feel so good. If you see them all together then it might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#5 – Move the #*#& on.

I know it ‘ s hard, hearing me tell you that it ‘ s time to move on.

You have been working for months, or years, to make this relationship work and now I am telling you that it ‘ s time to give up. Ugh.

I have a client who was enmeshed with a narcissistic alcoholic for 10 years. She could not let him go and accept that he didn ‘ t want her. I encouraged her to date and eventually she did.

And it helped so much!

What getting back out there did for her was to remind her that she is beautiful, that there are men who want her, to remember what it felt like to be wooed and appreciated. And, eventually, she did meet a guy who wanted to be with her and treated her like a queen and they are now living happily after.

So, stop sitting around, mooning over someone who doesn ‘ t want you. Put on some high heels, or sneakers, and get back out there. There a million guys out there who would be lucky to have you.

I know that working to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you is not an easy thing.

I know that you so wanted this relationship to work and letting go is killing you.

But, if you can be honest with yourself, recognize the red flags and listen to his words you will get closer to accepting what has happened. And, once you put yourself back out there, you won ‘ t look back, only forward!

You can do this! I promise!

How to Be An Emotionally Strong Woman in Relationships

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Do you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships? Of course, you do!

Being an emotionally strong woman in all aspects of our life is the goal, after all.

But it can be easier said than done, being an emotionally strong woman in relationships, and often difficult because we don ‘ t know what exactly will keep us the strong, independent, and desirable women that we are going into a relationship.

Here are 5 things to strive for if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships, clear goals that are there for you to reach for.

#1 – Be yourself.

First and foremost, in relationships, in work, in friendships, in life, be yourself.

I know that you might think that people won ‘ t like the person you are. I know that you might believe that the person you are can ‘ t succeed at work. I know that you find it hard to believe that anyone could ever be attracted to you.

All those things are things that you tell yourself but that aren ‘ t necessarily true. Who you are has gotten you to where you are today with the friends and the life you have.

Why is it important to be yourself if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships? Because how can you be an emotionally strong woman if you are trying to be someone you are not.

How can you stay strong knowing that you aren ‘ t being authentic, that keeping up this pretense is increasingly difficult and ultimately you are going to be found out in the end? I would imagine that would only cause you anxiety.

So be yourself, always, in a relationship. If your person falls in love with who you are, you can feel confident in their love for you and that will give you emotional strength.

#2 – Don ‘ t ignore red flags.

There is nothing that can cause more insecurity than ignoring red flags.

What do I mean by red flags?

Red flags are things that you see that should signal you to stop moving forward in your relationship. Red flags are things that are often ignored.

Examples of red flags are: having an ex he is always talking about, regularly drinking too much, employment inconsistencies, being unkind to you and such.

So why would ignoring red flags make you not be emotionally strong in a relationship? Because you would know, deep down, that there are things that are, or will be, fundamentally wrong with this relationship. And that deep down knowledge, knowing that it ‘ s there and that you are ignoring it, or worse, trying to fix it, will only make you feel insecure and anxious.

If you see a red flag, run. Run as fast as you can so that you can find someone who is flying only green flags. He is out there!

#3 – Don ‘ t get clingy.

There is nothing like clinginess to lead to feelings of not being emotionally strong in a relationship.

Clinginess is usually the result of your person pulling away for some reason. Where before they used to always be there, now, for whatever reason, they aren ‘ t. And when that happens, we become clingy.

Unfortunately, clinginess gets you nowhere. When a guy feels you are like you needing too much, they will more likely than not pull away, even if things are good. No one likes someone who ‘ ˜needs ‘ them in an extreme way.

Not being clingy is especially important if your person is pulling away. If your person is pulling away and you sense it and just cling harder, your self-esteem will plummet. You will start to blame yourself for what is happening and cling more and your person will move further away, and maybe even leave, and you will be left a shell of yourself. Not emotionally strong at all.

So, if you are feeling clingy, ask yourself why. If it ‘ s because your partner is pulling away, ask them why. If you are clingy because of an issue around abandonment or some such, talk to your person about it.

Communication is a key way to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship. Being clingy is not.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up your life.

For many women, when they get involved with someone, they give up their own lives. They turn their backs on their friends and their hobbies and the things that make them ‘ ˜them. ‘

I remember once, at a family reunion, I was reading the Bible, just because I had never read it before. My sister told my daughter that there had to be a guy involved because I would never do anything new unless there was a guy involved. And if there was I guy involved I would change to be just like them.

Hearing that didn ‘ t make me feel good but it was true. I do tend to turn myself into a pretzel to be what a guy would want and often become less of myself. And it has never served me.

So, if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship, stay yourself. Be with your friends. Do those things that bring you joy.

These things will make you strong, and a better partner!

#5 – Speak up.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that communication is the key to success in any relationship. That if there are issues that need to be addressed, or compliments that need to be given, everyone should speak up.

I am not saying to be unkind. I am saying don ‘ t let issues get swept under the rug. Don ‘ t assume that your husband knows what you want for your birthday. Don ‘ t go to bed angry, sure that things will be fine in the morning.

It is essential that, to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship, we speak up for what we want so that we can get what we want and be happy.

It is on us. No one can read our minds. And problems that aren ‘ t addressed right away can fester until they are very destructive.

And don ‘ t forget, on the flip side, to tell your person everything that they are doing that makes you happy. If you do, you will most likely just get more of it.

Being an emotionally strong woman in a relationship is the best way to have it be a successful one.

Being a strong woman is very attractive to a man but you will also find that it can make you feel really good about yourself.

If you are who you are, you don ‘ t ignore red flags or get clingy, if you keep your life and speak up for what you want, you will believe that you deserve love and happiness and you won ‘ t be willing to settle for anything less!

Good for you for seeking to understand. Now go forth, be emotionally strong, and make it happen!

You can do it!

 

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