How to Stand up to Someone Who Doesn’t Value You

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I know it might seem impossible to do but knowing how to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you is the key to being happy.

So many of us do it – no matter how badly we are treated, we won ‘ t walk away. We want so badly to love and be loved and we never want to give up hope, so we stay. And we suffer.

If you have a clear understanding of the specific things that you need to do to successfully stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you, you will have a far better chance of doing so and being happy.

So, how do you stand up for, and get, what you want?

#1 – Don ‘ t justify their behaviors.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients justify their person ‘ s behavior when they are treated badly.

I have a client whose guy was always late. It was so disrespectful. What did she do? She justified it by saying he had to help people at his recovery group. How could she be upset if he was helping others?

Another client said that her boyfriend could never go out after work because he had to be there for his kids – even on days that he didn ‘ t have them. She said that he must have had other things to do with them – every time he used that excuse.

How about your person? Does your person do things that you know aren ‘ t ok and are you willing to write those things off? If you had a friend who told you the things that your person is doing to you was being done to them, would you tell them to run and run fast?

It is important that you don ‘ t justify your person ‘ s behaviors. The reality is is that a person who values someone makes time for them, isn ‘ t always making excuses and treats them like they are a priority.

Don ‘ t kid yourself if things are otherwise. You will regret it!

#2 – Don ‘ t lose yourself.

Many of us, particularly those of us who are being undervalued in a relationship, lose ourselves when we are involved with someone.

Those things that we used to do to make ourselves laugh, to make us feel good about ourselves, that made us feel loved and respected, those things get put to the side in our desire to commit ourselves to our relationship above all else.

A few years back, I was in a relationship with someone who didn ‘ t value me. When I met him, I was a single woman living very happily in NYC with my dog. I was running my own business and doing volunteer work that I loved. I respected myself.

Two years later, I was a shell of that person. Two years of being undervalued had made me believe that I really was worth nothing. And, as a result, standing up to him, standing up for myself, was almost impossible. I didn ‘ t value myself – how could I expect him to value me?

So, make sure that, whether your relationship is a healthy one or not, that you don ‘ t lose yourself to it. Keep your hobbies, your friends and your family in your life, focus on your career, take care of yourself. All of these things will keep you self-assured and aware that you deserve to be valued, no matter what, and you will feel more confident standing up for yourself!

#3 – Don ‘ t overcompensate.

Does this sound like you?

Does your person come home late and you still have dinner hot and ready for him?

Does your person not call for days and when she finally does, do you act like nothing is wrong?

Does he say unkind things to you and you just try to let them roll off your back?

Do you tiptoe around her, doing whatever you can to keep her happy so that she will love you?

If you do any of these things, you are overcompensating. You are doing all of the work in the relationship. You believe that if you only try hard enough, aren ‘ t difficult or demanding, flexible to whatever their whims are, then your person won ‘ t leave you.

Guess what – it just doesn ‘ t work!

As a matter of fact, if you work overtime to make your person happy, in spite of the way that they treat you, you are just making things worse. The more you overcompensate, the more likely they are to lose respect for you, which will only lead them to treating you worse.

So, if your person is treating you badly, don ‘ t bend over backwards to try to make them happy. If you stand up for yourself you are way more likely to get what you want – happiness and respect.

#4 – Don ‘ t stay for the wrong reasons.

I know that you aren ‘ t that happy in your relationship or you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article. So, I ask you – why are you staying?

Are you staying because of how happy you guys were in the beginning? Are you staying because you don ‘ t want to be alone? Are you staying because you have invested so much time? Are you staying because you don ‘ t want to start dating again? Are you staying because you ‘ ˜aren ‘ t a quitter? ‘ Are you staying because you are worried that you won ‘ t ever love or be loved again?

None of those reasons are a reason to stay in a relationship where someone doesn’t value you. The only reason to stay in this relationship is because you are happy. Don ‘ t stay in this relationship because you think your person can change. That, if you are nice enough, they will go back to the way things were in the beginning. Stay because you are happy with how things are right now.

And leave if you aren ‘ t!

Don ‘ t stay for the wrong reasons. It ‘ s a huge waste of time, time that you could be spending finding someone who will value you and love you forever.

#5 – Don ‘ t stick around.

The number one way to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you is to walk away. Yes, walk away.

I know it seems easier said than done but if you can walk away from your person you will accomplish one of two things.

First, by walking away, by standing up for yourself, you could earn the respect of the person who has been treating you badly. There is nothing sexier than someone who advocates for themselves, who sees their own value.

Second, if you walk away from someone who doesn ‘ t value you, you will open yourself up to finding someone who does. The longer you stay in this relationship, the longer it will take you to be happy. If you stay in this relationship, as it is, with you being undervalued, your chances of being happy are greatly diminished!

So, be prepared to walk away if you can ‘ t get the respect you deserve!

If you need to stand up to someone who doesn ‘ t value you, do so soon!

Every moment that you waste being with someone who makes you unhappy is a wasted moment.

I know that you might think that he is your ‘ ˜soulmate ‘ but I can promise you that your soulmate would never treat you the way you have been treated!

So take steps NOW to make change – whatever change you need to do to set yourself up for a life full of happiness and love!

Why ‘No Contact’ Is Essential if You Want To Let Go of Your Ex

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I tell my clients that, if you want to let go of your ex, once and for all, you must go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And the first thing that I usually hear back is ‘ ˜ugh. ‘

What do I mean by ‘ ˜no contact? ‘ Blocking them on your phone, unfriending and unfollowing them, staying away from places you might see them, not letting them sneak back in through any back doors.

In the old days, when we broke up with someone, it was much easier to let them go. We didn ‘ t have access to an assortment of social media platforms where we could check up on our exes. We couldn ‘ t google stalk them. We couldn ‘ t text them when the urge struck. Unless we ran into them somewhere, they would truly be out of sight.

And out of sight means out of mind. And out of mind helped us move on.

I know things are different now but the need to move on is the same so, if you want to let go of your ex, ‘ ˜no contact ‘ is essential.

Why?

#1 – You will go back to Day One.

The number one reason to go no contact is because, with every point of contact that you have, you go back to day one, to that last moment you saw them, that moment that you walked away in incredible pain.

I use the analogy of trying to quit smoking. When you decide to quit something, you go cold turkey. You take it day by day and as the days past the pain of the loss gets less and less. And then, one day down the road, you decide to have one cigarette. And it ‘ s hard to have just one cigarette. Before you know it, you are smoking half a pack a day, knowing that soon you are going to have to go through the pain of quitting all over again.

Similarly, if you are getting a little bit better each day, even if you miss your ex, looking at them on social media or sending them a text, will set you back to the beginning, back at the bottom of the mountain that you had made good progress scaling.

And you don ‘ t want that, do you?

#2 – Memories can be painful. And compelling.

If you want to let go of your ex but are struggling to do so, memories are things that might be holding you back.

Unfortunately, after a break up, what we usually hold onto is the good memories and not the bad ones. The good memories were wonderful times but reliving them constantly makes it hard to move on.

Social media and our phones are full of opportunities for us to rekindle those memories. There are Instagram posts of your trip to Mexico and FB messenger text streams from when you were first talking. Your phone contains selfies of everything that you ever did. And you want more of those memories because you they were so wonderful. So, you reach out.

I believe that going no contact means getting rid of those opportunities to rekindle memories, getting rid of the pain that those memories can lead to.

Unfollow them on Instagram, unfriend them on Facebook and file away those selfies to a place you can ‘ t easily access them.

If you don ‘ t relive those memories, in whatever form, healing will be quicker and less painful.

#3 – Closure is a myth.

I 100% think that closure is a myth. I believe that closure is just one more opportunity to be in your person ‘ s presence and perhaps convince them to give you another chance.

If you are in contact with your person, the inclination, for either one of you, to try to get some closure is greatly enhanced.

And what will that closure do? It will open up old wounds that need to be hashed out. Tempers might flare and hurting things might be said. Being in the same personal space as your person might lead to intimacy which will only cause more confusion. You might walk away from it more devastated than you were before.

Yes, yes. I know the mention of sex might have made you pick your head up and smile but, really, sex with your ex is fraught with complicated emotions and, while it might feel good in the moment, the repercussions can be huge. Talking can do the same – only cause more pain than you were feeling before.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. It will only set you back in a big way.

#4 – Yo-yoing makes things worse.

For many of my clients, they are broken up with and left devastated only to have their person reappear in their lives. Day, weeks or months after a break up their text alert goes off and there is their person, saying ‘ ˜hi. ‘ That ‘ ˜hi ‘ can lead to more communication, doing things together, intimacy and raised hopes. More often than not, however, their ex, ultimately, pulls back again, walking away and leaving them feeling worse than before.

And, often, this precise series of events happens over and over, leaving my clients confused and devastated, full of false hope and unwilling to let go.

How bad does that sounds? Worse than where you are right now? It is worse. I can promise you that.

If you don ‘ t go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ then the chances of yo-yoing occurring are greatly enhanced. Any opportunity that your ex might have to contact you, or even if you contact them, the more likely it is that you will go down that rabbit hole that will, ultimately, only cause you more pain.

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

I am sure that you are thinking that there is no way that your self-esteem can be worse than it is right now. Your relationship has ended, for whatever reason, and it has left you questioning yourself. So, how can reaching out or stalking them make things worse?

Imagine this. You text your ex for whatever reason and they don ‘ t text you back. How will you feel as you sit there waiting, gradually accepting the fact that you aren ‘ t important enough to respond to? Or you do some innocent stalking on Instagram and see your guy with a cute blond. Or his parents, who you loved, post a picture of all of them together at the summer house.

Will any of those things make you feel better about yourself? Instead of just feeling sad, might you feel abandoned, replaced or forgotten? And what will all those feelings do to your self-esteem.

On the other hand, if you do resist the temptation to text or stalk, you will take back your power. You will choose to put the past behind you and only look forward. And that, more than anything, will help you rebuild your self-esteem so that you can move on and be happy.

‘ ˜I am serious, ‘ I tell my clients, ‘ ˜If you want to let go of your ex, you will have to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ If you can ‘ t do it, you will have no chance of getting past the pain and moving on. ‘

So, how does one go no contact? How does one fill that empty space left by the person who left?

I encourage people to just take it day by day. If you think to yourself that you will never talk to your ex again, you will be completely overwhelmed, but if you tell yourself that you aren ‘ t going to reach out to them today, that seems reasonable. And if you take it one day at a time you will eventually just have done it.

That ‘ s what I did with my ex. For years we had gone up and down, trying to break up and yoyoing back and forth. And then, one day, I decided to go no contact. After a few days, he reached out, as was our pattern. And this time I didn ‘ t answer him. He tried again a few days later. I didn ‘ t answer him. Now, here I am, 4 years of no contact, madly in love with someone else and so thankful that I had the strength to do it!

You can too!

How to let Go of a Married Man, Even if You Still Love Him

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Are you wondering how to let go of a married man, someone you are madly in love with but who is hurting you over and over and over?

If you have been looking around online, you have probably discovered that there are millions of chat boards devoted to just this topic. And they don ‘ t make you hopeful.

The question at hand is: will your guy ever leave his wife and, if he doesn ‘ t, what to do about it and how to let go if you decide to leave?

Knowing ahead of time how to let go of a married man will help you take that big step to let go so that you can be happy and find love again.

#1 – Be honest with yourself.

Ok, here you are, reading this article, so you must be thinking about leaving your guy.

Why? I am guessing the reasons are something like this:

  • He keeps breaking his promises
  • He couldn ‘ t be there on your birthday
  • You never get to go out anywhere
  • He puts his family first
  • You are lonely
  • You feel horrible about yourself.

Do any of these reasons sound familiar? I am guessing that you have had some version of each of them almost daily since this whole thing began.

It is time for you to start really paying attention to these thoughts, to truly be honest with yourself about the future of your relationship with this man. Yes, you love him but do you truly see the happily ever after up ahead?

I would encourage you to take written stock of all of the hurts and broken promises. Seeing them in a list will make it even clearer to you why you must leave your guy, for once and for all.

Be honest with yourself. It ‘ s time.

#2 – Cut him off.

There is only one way that you will be successful at letting go of your guy. And that is if you cut him off completely.

Cut him off on all social media, block him on your phone, absolutely no sex, no late night supportive conversations. No ‘ ˜just being friends. ‘ Nothing.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes being confident that you can do this because it is key!

Your married guy isn ‘ t going to want to let you go. I mean, why would he with the sex and support that you give him? And because of this, he will use every opportunity that he has to get back in with you. If you leave the door open a crack, he will get it fully open before you know it.

So, if you want to succeed this time at letting go of your married man, I would encourage you to be prepared to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And when you do so, try to take it one day at a time. Don ‘ t think ‘ ˜I will never talk to him again ‘ because that will be overwhelming. Just think ‘ ˜I am not going to talk to him today. ‘ That is way more manageable.

I know it seems impossible right now but you can do it. I did and you can too.

#3 – Get to know yourself again.

I was involved with a married man once. He was ‘ ˜getting separated ‘ but it took almost a year to make that happen. And in that time, I totally lost myself.

When I met him, I was a single woman, living in New York City, running my own business and volunteering in the mental health field. I was healthy and happy and living the dream.

When he re-entered my life (I was in love with him in college), I couldn ‘ t have been more prepared for a healthy relationship so I thought I would be just fine waiting for him to leave.

Boy, was I wrong.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I totally lost who I was. I was so distracted by the situation that I couldn ‘ t focus on my business, my health failed, my depression soared and it felt like my life was falling apart.

The first thing that I did when I managed to finally go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him was to do something that I used to love doing – taking a road trip!

I packed up my car and drove down to North Carolina where I spent a few days with a friend. The adventure kept my mind busy and helped me remember the woman I had been before. The happy, hot, self-confident woman who could the world.

Getting to know that person again made me strong enough to continue to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him and start to build my life again.

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

I am guessing that, over the time you have been with your married man, you have separated yourself, to some degree, from those who love you.

The time that you spent, waiting near your phone, in case your guy called you. The time that you didn ‘ t schedule things to do with people because you wanted to be available in case your guy was. The time that you didn ‘ t spend with your friends because they didn ‘ t want to hear any more about your married guy.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes spending time with people you love, as often as possible. Not only will doing so keep your mind busy, so that you aren ‘ t obsessing about your guy, but it will help you touch base again with the amazing person who you are.

And your friends will be so thrilled that you have your head on straight that they will be happy to join you on all of those adventures that you are ready to take.

#5 – Believe that you will love again.

I am guessing that this is the number one thing that is holding you back from letting go of your married guy. The fear that, if you do, you will never be loved again.

I am guessing that you might no longer believe that your guy is your soul mate – I mean how could a soul mate hurt you so much? But he is someone you love and someone who you have invested a lot of your precious time. The idea of starting over is daunting.

What I can promise you is this – if you stay with your married guy, how your life is right now is most likely how your life will be for the foreseeable future. Can you imagine?

But, if you can extricate yourself from this relationship now, yes, you will have to put yourself out there but you are way more willing to meet a guy who will love you truly and who is ready to devote his life to you.

You will love again. Maybe even more than once. But you will love again, I promise!

Knowing how to let go of a married man is the number one way to actually make it happen.

Much like we must prepare for a test or a life event, knowing the steps that you will have to take to do the hard task will prepare you for doing it. Knowing what is ahead might not make it all seem so daunting.

With that in mind, be honest with yourself about the relationship. Be prepared to cut him off immediately. Renew your relationship with yourself, and your friends and family, and know that you will love, and be loved, again.

I know it seems impossible but you can do it! I did and I am truly living happily ever after!

5 Ways to Accept That He Doesn’t Want You So That You Can Move On

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Learning how to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.

You love him and, in spite of you knowing that something just isn ‘ t right, you refuse to accept the fact that your relationship might be over.

And I get it. Who wants to let go of someone they love?

It is important, however, for you to work to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you so that you can finally let go and move forward.

Here are 5 ways to do so.

#1 – Look for red flags.

Ah yes. Red flags. We all hate red flags, don ‘ t we?

Why? Because red flags are those things that we are ignoring in an attempt to save our relationship.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who, I believed, always had one foot out the door. He would tell her he was coming over and then he would show up 4 hours late or not at all. When he did come over, he just wanted to have sex. He didn ‘ t ask about her day or take her out on dates.

All of these things she justified some way or another. And none of these things did she tell me about until after they finally broke up, so I knew that she knew that those things were not ok.

Our guys might tell us they want to be with us but it ‘ s important that you look at their actions as well. If you sense that anything is off, pay attention, don ‘ t explain it away.

If you do recognize those red flags, it might just help you accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#2 – Talk to your friends.

Think about that time you were sitting with your friend and she was telling you some god-awful story about a guy she was seeing. The stories were truly horrible and all you could think was ‘ ˜Why is she still with this guy. It ‘ s so clear that he is blowing her off? ‘ And when you tried to point it out, she was full of excuses for his behavior.

Well, right now you are that person, the one sitting with a friend, telling the stories. And your friend is the one there, rolling her eyes, telling you to walk away, fast.

LISTEN TO THEM! Most often, our friends have only our best interests in mind and I guarantee that they see things more clearly than you do right now.

We have friends for a reason – helping us see clearly is one of them!

#3 – Listen to his words.

My client whose boyfriend didn ‘ t show up on time, or ever, was always telling her that he wasn ‘ t ready to be in a relationship, that he had to work on his sobriety and get his shit together. She believed that if she could just love him enough, take good enough care of him, that he would see that he did want to be with her and they would live happily ever after.

And, while he was always telling her he didn ‘ t want a relationship, he was happy letting her cook him dinner, drive him to work, have sex with him, whatever he needed. And she was happy to do it because she wanted him to love her.

If your guy is letting you do all of these wonderful things for him but is still telling you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, listen to him. I know that he sending you mixed messages but I can promise you that the one about not being in a relationship is the one that is real.

So, listen to him. It might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#4 – Write things down.

After my client finally let go of her boyfriend, she started telling me what things had really been like in the relationship. That he wasn ‘ t showing up, was treating her badly when he did and how he told her, over and over, that he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship.

In spite of all of those things, she still couldn ‘ t accept that he didn ‘ t want her because she looked at each issue individually, not as a group. She didn ‘ t see the systemic patterns that indicated that he didn ‘ t want to be with her.

I had her start writing down the things that he did to her as she remembered them. A lot of them, her mind had pushed way down deep because of her denial but they popped up when she dug for them.

Within the first day, she had a list a full page long. Over the next week it became even longer. When she saw all the things that he had done listed in front of her, it was way easier for her to see that he had been treating her badly and sending her signals for a long time that he didn ‘ t want to truly be with her and that she was the only one trying to make it work.

So, take stock of the words and deeds that your guy is saying and doing that don ‘ t make you feel so good. If you see them all together then it might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you.

#5 – Move the #*#& on.

I know it ‘ s hard, hearing me tell you that it ‘ s time to move on.

You have been working for months, or years, to make this relationship work and now I am telling you that it ‘ s time to give up. Ugh.

I have a client who was enmeshed with a narcissistic alcoholic for 10 years. She could not let him go and accept that he didn ‘ t want her. I encouraged her to date and eventually she did.

And it helped so much!

What getting back out there did for her was to remind her that she is beautiful, that there are men who want her, to remember what it felt like to be wooed and appreciated. And, eventually, she did meet a guy who wanted to be with her and treated her like a queen and they are now living happily after.

So, stop sitting around, mooning over someone who doesn ‘ t want you. Put on some high heels, or sneakers, and get back out there. There a million guys out there who would be lucky to have you.

I know that working to accept that he doesn ‘ t want you is not an easy thing.

I know that you so wanted this relationship to work and letting go is killing you.

But, if you can be honest with yourself, recognize the red flags and listen to his words you will get closer to accepting what has happened. And, once you put yourself back out there, you won ‘ t look back, only forward!

You can do this! I promise!

How to Be An Emotionally Strong Woman in Relationships

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Do you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships? Of course, you do!

Being an emotionally strong woman in all aspects of our life is the goal, after all.

But it can be easier said than done, being an emotionally strong woman in relationships, and often difficult because we don ‘ t know what exactly will keep us the strong, independent, and desirable women that we are going into a relationship.

Here are 5 things to strive for if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships, clear goals that are there for you to reach for.

#1 – Be yourself.

First and foremost, in relationships, in work, in friendships, in life, be yourself.

I know that you might think that people won ‘ t like the person you are. I know that you might believe that the person you are can ‘ t succeed at work. I know that you find it hard to believe that anyone could ever be attracted to you.

All those things are things that you tell yourself but that aren ‘ t necessarily true. Who you are has gotten you to where you are today with the friends and the life you have.

Why is it important to be yourself if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in relationships? Because how can you be an emotionally strong woman if you are trying to be someone you are not.

How can you stay strong knowing that you aren ‘ t being authentic, that keeping up this pretense is increasingly difficult and ultimately you are going to be found out in the end? I would imagine that would only cause you anxiety.

So be yourself, always, in a relationship. If your person falls in love with who you are, you can feel confident in their love for you and that will give you emotional strength.

#2 – Don ‘ t ignore red flags.

There is nothing that can cause more insecurity than ignoring red flags.

What do I mean by red flags?

Red flags are things that you see that should signal you to stop moving forward in your relationship. Red flags are things that are often ignored.

Examples of red flags are: having an ex he is always talking about, regularly drinking too much, employment inconsistencies, being unkind to you and such.

So why would ignoring red flags make you not be emotionally strong in a relationship? Because you would know, deep down, that there are things that are, or will be, fundamentally wrong with this relationship. And that deep down knowledge, knowing that it ‘ s there and that you are ignoring it, or worse, trying to fix it, will only make you feel insecure and anxious.

If you see a red flag, run. Run as fast as you can so that you can find someone who is flying only green flags. He is out there!

#3 – Don ‘ t get clingy.

There is nothing like clinginess to lead to feelings of not being emotionally strong in a relationship.

Clinginess is usually the result of your person pulling away for some reason. Where before they used to always be there, now, for whatever reason, they aren ‘ t. And when that happens, we become clingy.

Unfortunately, clinginess gets you nowhere. When a guy feels you are like you needing too much, they will more likely than not pull away, even if things are good. No one likes someone who ‘ ˜needs ‘ them in an extreme way.

Not being clingy is especially important if your person is pulling away. If your person is pulling away and you sense it and just cling harder, your self-esteem will plummet. You will start to blame yourself for what is happening and cling more and your person will move further away, and maybe even leave, and you will be left a shell of yourself. Not emotionally strong at all.

So, if you are feeling clingy, ask yourself why. If it ‘ s because your partner is pulling away, ask them why. If you are clingy because of an issue around abandonment or some such, talk to your person about it.

Communication is a key way to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship. Being clingy is not.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up your life.

For many women, when they get involved with someone, they give up their own lives. They turn their backs on their friends and their hobbies and the things that make them ‘ ˜them. ‘

I remember once, at a family reunion, I was reading the Bible, just because I had never read it before. My sister told my daughter that there had to be a guy involved because I would never do anything new unless there was a guy involved. And if there was I guy involved I would change to be just like them.

Hearing that didn ‘ t make me feel good but it was true. I do tend to turn myself into a pretzel to be what a guy would want and often become less of myself. And it has never served me.

So, if you want to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship, stay yourself. Be with your friends. Do those things that bring you joy.

These things will make you strong, and a better partner!

#5 – Speak up.

I believe, wholeheartedly, that communication is the key to success in any relationship. That if there are issues that need to be addressed, or compliments that need to be given, everyone should speak up.

I am not saying to be unkind. I am saying don ‘ t let issues get swept under the rug. Don ‘ t assume that your husband knows what you want for your birthday. Don ‘ t go to bed angry, sure that things will be fine in the morning.

It is essential that, to be an emotionally strong woman in a relationship, we speak up for what we want so that we can get what we want and be happy.

It is on us. No one can read our minds. And problems that aren ‘ t addressed right away can fester until they are very destructive.

And don ‘ t forget, on the flip side, to tell your person everything that they are doing that makes you happy. If you do, you will most likely just get more of it.

Being an emotionally strong woman in a relationship is the best way to have it be a successful one.

Being a strong woman is very attractive to a man but you will also find that it can make you feel really good about yourself.

If you are who you are, you don ‘ t ignore red flags or get clingy, if you keep your life and speak up for what you want, you will believe that you deserve love and happiness and you won ‘ t be willing to settle for anything less!

Good for you for seeking to understand. Now go forth, be emotionally strong, and make it happen!

You can do it!

 

5 Surprising Reasons You Are Still Feeling Depressed After a Break Up

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Are you still feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Still feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you are still feeling depressed after a break up to help you understand and move on.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are still feeling depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

A lot of people find that, when they are still feeling depressed after a break up, they have stopped doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Time wasted.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients who are still feeling depressed after a break up are so because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time and they regret is.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are still feeling depressed after a break up, especially if it ‘ s been awhile, is because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are wondering why they are still depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Knowing why you are still feeling depressed after a break up, even if it ‘ s been a while, will help you get past it.

It is surprising that often times what we think is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self-doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 reasons you are still depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

Why We Can’t Let Go of Love for Someone Who Treats Us Badly

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It ‘ s the most frustrating thing – not being able to let go of love for someone who treats us badly.

How come, if we are in relationships that we know aren ‘ t working, do we have such a hard time ending it? Why, if we know that breaking up is the smart thing to do, can we still not do so?

Breaking up with someone, whether we want to do so or not, is never easy. We go into relationships with such hope, and ending them can seem like the end of a dream. Or the end of a nightmare.

There are a few reasons why we can ‘ t let go of love for someone who treats us badly.

Knowing why it ‘ s so difficult might make it easier for us to let go.

#1 – Social standing.

I know that it seems weird, but many people, are worried about breaking up with someone because of the effect that it will have on their social group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren ‘ t right for each other, but they are worried about what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterward be uncomfortable?

I also have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn ‘ t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone, it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good at the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren ‘ t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

#2 – Fear of being alone.

This might be the number one reason that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should.

I don ‘ t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn ‘ t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking in high school that if my guy broke up with me, I might never love them again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn ‘ t making you happy and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing, and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can ‘ t break up with someone, then you will be forever doomed to not be in a happy relationship because, if you are stuck in this one, you won ‘ t be able to find someone else.

So, if you can ‘ t break up with someone even if you know you should know that, if you can find the strength to do so, you will find the person of your dreams.

#3 – Hope for change.

For many people, especially women, hope and believe that we can fix the things about our partner that make us unhappy.

Perhaps your partner spends too much time with his friends at the expense of time with you. Perhaps he works all the time and does give you much attention. Perhaps she doesn ‘ t treat her family the way you would like her to. Perhaps you wish she had higher self-esteem.

You believe that, if only you love them enough and don ‘ t give up on them, they will change, correct?

Many people who are unhappy in relationships but who can ‘ t break up with their person can ‘ t do so because they believe that they can fix the other person and then they will live happily ever after.

Let me tell you, unless you are happy with who your person is RIGHT NOW; then you are doomed to be unhappy if you don ‘ t break up with them. People can ‘ t be fixed. They can choose to make changes of their own accord, but you won ‘ t be able to fix them, no matter how hard you try.

#4 – Time invested.

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have heard this from clients – ‘ I have put so much time into this person. I don ‘ t want to walk away now. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have told them that that is no reason to stay.

Yes, you might have invested a lot of time in this person (I put 20 years into my now-defunct marriage), but don ‘ t spend even one more minute with someone who you aren ‘ t happy with. Cut bait right now and invest the next few minutes, hours and days of your life in taking care of yourself and putting your energy out into the world to find the person of your dreams.

Furthermore, I do believe that any time we might spend with someone, no matter how it ends, isn ‘ t a waste of time. You learn a lot, about yourself and about relationships, during your time with someone. The only reason that time would be wasted is if you walk away without taking what you have learned with you.

So, don ‘ t let sunk time, time that you have already spent, and make your stay in a relationship that you know should end.

#5 – You don ‘ t like to give up.

Another thing I often hear from clients is that they don ‘ t like to give up. That they want to continue to fight for a relationship. What I tell them, in response, is that one person can ‘ t fight for a relationship. Unless both people are willing to fight, a broken relationship will not get fixed.

None of us like to give up and admit defeat, but if you are the only one fighting for this relationship, giving up is the best and wisest thing that you can do.

When we can ‘ t let go of love for someone who treats us badly, even if we know we should, we are letting ourselves down.

Lots of time and effort is spent going back and forth on the pluses and minuses, recovering from crying jags and feeling hopeless about the future. You are paralyzed because the lack of action is overwhelming.

Basically, your life is put on hold while you try to break up with someone you should break up with.

Knowing and accepting that there are reasons why you can ‘ t break up with someone is the best way to be able to take the steps to do so.

Go through the checklist above. Consider those that apply to you. If you can work your way through them, you just might find that you have the strength to break up with someone for both of your own good.

You can do this! And if you do, you will give yourself the chance to live happily ever after!

5 Ways to Keep A Healthy Relationship Healthy

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Good for you for wanting to learn how to keep a healthy relationship healthy.

In spite of what we have been taught in fairy tales and movies, living happily ever after isn ‘ t as easy as it looks. For a healthy relationship to stay healthy, it is important to do the work.

The work can be challenging at times, but the results are worth it. We all just want to love and be loved and paying attention to the things that need to be paid attention to to keep a relationship healthy is key.

Here are 7 ways to keep a healthy relationship healthy.

#1 – Build a good foundation.

A good foundation is important for every structure and relationship especially.

The habits that you develop at the beginning of your relationship will carry you forward. In fact, if there are things that you are hoping will change as your relationship progresses, forget it. We only become more of who we are the older we get.

What are important pieces of a good foundation?

On the most basic level, trust is essential for every relationship. If you can not trust your partner to be honest with you, to be there when you need them, to know that they will always look out for your best interests, then you may as well be alone. Because if you can ‘ t trust your partner, who can you trust?

Another key piece of a good relationship is honesty. Have you ever lied to someone because you wanted to protect them? Have you said to yourself that a little white lie isn ‘ t a big thing? Well, you are wrong.

If you want to keep your healthy relationship healthy, tell the truth. Whether big or small, a lie can break down the foundation of even the best relationships.

So, set a good foundation for your relationship. It will be important that you do so going forward.

#2 – Be respectful.

Nothing is worse in a relationship than when respect is gone. When respect is gone, it is replaced by contempt, and no relationship can survive when there is contempt.

If you spend time with any couple who has been together a while, you will know what I mean. One person ‘ s habits have become too much for the other person, and it is very clear.

My ex-husband used to often come home late from work. At first, I begged him to be home in time for dinner. He tried but most often failed. I got increasingly frustrated and starting losing respect for him. I eventually stopped asking him and eventually started telling him that he was rendering himself irrelevant. That we didn ‘ t need him home for dinner anyway.

How great did that make him feel? He is my ex-husband, you notice.

#3 – Have a healthy sex life.

Sex is an essential piece of any healthy relationship. It is important that every couple maintain a certain amount of intimacy to stay connected.

What is very important about monogamous people’s sex is that it works for both people in the relationship. If he wants to have sex 5 days a week and she doesn ‘ t want to have sex more than once, a compromise must be made so that you can both be satisfied.

If no compromise is made, disaster can result. She might get resentful If she has sex with him more than she might like because she might feel forced to do it. If they only have sex once a week, he might get resentful that that is all he gets.

So, have a discussion with your partner. Make sure that both of you are happy with the amount and quality of the sex you share.

It could be the glue that holds you together.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up on yourself.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship are not completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, you will only be setting yourself up for failure. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

So, call up some friends and make a date for dinner and the movies. Your partner will be fine and will be very happy to see you when you return.

Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.

#5 – Make each other feel loved.

Did you know that while you might feel like the things that you are doing for your partner make them feel loved, those things might not actually be working?

Shocking, I know!

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of usexpress lovein waysthatWE want to be loved – as opposed to in waysour partner wants to be loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewellery as an expression of affection, but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug, but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is learning what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you learn what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel loved.

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around this concept of there being 5 languages of love and, thus 5 ways to express love to your partner. And when you use your partner ‘ s love language, they will FEEL loved.

Check out his website and online quiz here.

Learning as much as you can about how to keep a healthy relationship healthy is the key to being able to do so.

Of course, once you have the knowledge that you need, it is important that you take action on it, an action that only feeds your relationship health. Don ‘ t wait until things are bad before you take action. Do it now while things are still good!

Create a good foundation, respect each other, make sure you have a mutually satisfying sex life, make sure you keep your own life and make each other feel loved.

If you can do these things, then your chance of having the happily ever after you have always sought will be within reach!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do if Your Boyfriend ‘Forgot’ Valentine’s Day

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February 14 is the most romantic of days and, in spite of its importance, your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s day, didn ‘ t he?

Instead of waking you up to chocolate or flowers or words of affirmation or a nice brunch out, did your boyfriend jump out of bed, kiss you quickly and head out for a run, returning with bagels and a paper and not a word about what day it was.

Are you left feeling angry and hurt by his lack of recognition, the fact that he (perhaps once again) forgot Valentine ‘ s day, making your question your self-worth and whether he truly loves you?

Before you go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt, here are a few things that you can do if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, things that you can do to put it in perspective, ease the pain and maybe gain some insight.

#1 – Don ‘ t take it personally.

‘ ˜What? ‘ you say, ‘ ˜How can I not take it personally? If he loved me, he would have made an effort to do something for me. ‘

I know it sounds logical and simple, and for many women it is. But for many men, expressions of affection, whether with words or gifts, are akin to speaking Greek. Something they would love to do but something that seems overwhelming and daunting. And so, instead of owning it, they ignore it.

I have a client whose boyfriend got her NOTHING for Valentine ‘ s Day. Nothing. She was devastated. She didn ‘ t know what had happened and it made her feel badly about herself and wondering how much he cared about her. She came to learn, down the road, that he was so overcome with anxiety about what to do that he did nothing.

While she still didn ‘ t like that he did nothing, understanding that it was more about his insecurities then about his feelings for her helped her manage her disappointment.

#2 – Do be honest.

It is very important that, if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, you don ‘ t sulk. That you don ‘ t internalize the hurt and angry feelings that you have. That you don’t pretend you are cool and that it ‘ s all good and who likes Valentine ‘ s Day anyway.

In a healthy relationship, people who are hurt by their loved one have a responsibility to tell their person that they have been hurt. It ‘ s important to let them know that they have let you down. If you act like it ‘ s no big deal, two things will happen. The first is that you will continue to stew, to continue to be hurt and confused. The second is that next Valentine ‘ s Day (or your birthday or Christmas) your guy might not do anything for you once again.

I mean, if you are cool with him not doing something for you, why would he make an effort to do it?

#3 – Don ‘ t compare yourself to everyone else.

I know that it ‘ s very hard not to compare yourself to everyone and what they are doing/getting for Valentine ‘ s Day.

Every year, people on social media inundate us with pictures and stories of their most amazing Valentine ‘ s Days, coordinated with thoughtfulness and skill by their most amazing boyfriends. Pictures of fancy dinners and island destinations and engagement rings are everywhere.

And, yes, some guys are good at remembering and following through on Valentine ‘ s Day. (I am betting that, somewhere along the way, some girl didn ‘ t sulk and act cool but told those guys the truth – that they sucked at Valentine’s Day.)

That being said, there are millions of other women out in the world who are celebrating Valentine ‘ s Day with a card or a kind word or nothing at all. You are not alone. You are not the most pathetic person in the world. You are just another woman in the world, trying to make the best of life and love.

Instead of looking at what that woman got from her man, go out and get yourself something. Want some chocolate? Go get some. Some perfume or jewelry or flowers? Get some. Who needs to wait for some guy to get us something? We can take care of ourselves, take control of our emotions and not let anyone suck us down.

#4 – Do recognize that it ‘ s not the end of the world.

I know that February 14 feels very much like Valentine ‘ s Day for the whole day. All day we see signs in stores, talking about love, posts online, text from friends, chocolate filled hearts aplenty. It ‘ s everywhere and, when your boyfriend forgets Valentine ‘ s Day, the day is horrible.

That being said, don ‘ t forget that the day after Valentine ‘ s Day is just another day. Another day when life goes on. Chocolate heart candy will go on sale, to be replaced with chocolate bunnies. Just another day.

Ask yourself how your boyfriend treats you on those regular days. Does he buy you flowers or open the car door for you or take you out to dinner or rub your feet or hang out with your friends or walk the dog or make the bed or ask about your day? Does he do a million little things on those days that aren ‘ t Valentine ‘ s Day, things that might make up for the fact that he dropped the ball this one day? Things that show that he loves you truly?

Your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day definitely sucks but life and love can, and will, go on, nonetheless.

#5 – Don ‘ t be blind.

Of course, taking stock of all of the things that I said above is important but it is also VERY important that you not blindly accept what has happened on Valentine ‘ s Day, act like everything is cool and assure yourself that this guy really loves you and that he just dropped the ball.

It is possible that your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day because he just isn ‘ t that into you. It could be that he isn ‘ t the romantic type and that, no matter what you say, he will contend that Valentine ‘ s Day is ridiculous and that he will never take part in it. He could just not care about your feelings either way and not be nice to you, ever.

So, take a look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does your guy treat you well when it ‘ s not Valentine ‘ s Day? Is he the kind of romantic that you need him to be? Do you have any questions in the back of your mind that your relationship might be doomed in the long run?

There can be many reasons why your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and one of them might just be because your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and that it might be near it ‘ s end.

I know the idea sucks, and I am sorry, but it just might be the case. Be honest with yourself. Is it?

Your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and it has left you feeling angry and bereft. I totally get it.

One year my boyfriend (now ex-husband) forgot about Valentine ‘ s Day and got me some on-sale roses the next day. It felt shitty, to say the least.

But that didn ‘ t mean he didn ‘ t care about me – he just was working hard and missed the day. I told him it hurt and the next year he went out of his way and kicked ass, making it the most special day ever!

I know that some of my friends had very romantic days with their guys but really, my guy and I hung out and went to the movies which was, in it ‘ s own way, romantic because it ‘ s one of my favorite things to do.

And, the next day, like it is every year, was February 15th and life went on.

All of that being said, make sure that you take a good hard look at your relationship. Have you been making it something that it ‘ s not? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be romantic? Do you have any doubts?

It just might be that your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day might be just the wake-up call you need to get up, move on and find the love you want!

Can A Toxic Relationship be Saved? Possibly YES!

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Can a toxic relationship be saved? Is it possible to repair months, or even years, of behavior that has shaken a relationship down to its very core?

I know that it seems like it would be impossible but I believe that, yes, it is possible to fix atoxic relationshipbutthat it will involve concentrated effort on both sides of the equation.

Here are 5 things you can do to help repair a toxic relationship. Once you read them, you will know if your relationship is salvageable.

#1 – Accept the truth.

In order to fix a toxic relationship, it is essential that both people are willing to accept that it is toxic.

In many instances, one person sees that the relationship is toxic but the other person can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, see it as well. If only one side sees how bad things are, fixing a toxic relationship will be impossible.

I have a client who is in a relationship with an alcoholic narcissist. For many years, he has treated her horribly. He goes off on drunken binges, disappears for weeks at a time, gaslights her when they do talk and blames her for many issues in their relationship.

She loves him very much but his unwillingness to see that their relationship is toxic, that his issues are impacting the relationship in a big way, makes it so that there is no hope that things can change.

She holds on, hoping that it does, but I know that, until he truly acceptss that the relationship is toxic, things will just go on the way they always have.

#2 – Own your part.

An essential piece of fixing a toxic relationship is the willingness to take ownership of your piece of the toxicity.

In the case of my client, she absolutely recognizes that she has behaviors that contribute to the toxic relationship. She doesn ‘ t trust him (although for good reason), she can get very anxious and clingy, she enables his behavior by continuing to be with him and she definitely can get heated during their confrontations.

Unfortunately, her partner refuses to take any ownership of their issues. He acknowledges that he drinks too much but blames her for not being more supportive. He says that if she would only stop harping and accept him for as he is, everything would be fine. When he goes on a bender, he blames her clinginess for driving him away.

Because he isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of his end of the relationship, every time they try to make change things, just stay the same. Because he not only doesn ‘ t accept his part in the toxicity, and even blames her for most of it, fixing their relationship is just not possible.

#3 – Be open to change.

For many of us, making change is really hard. We are who we are. That being said, people who are in a toxic relationship need to be actively willing to make change.

In the case of my client, she is eager to make change. She loves her man so much and still holds on to the dream of their life together. She goes out of her way to try to do things differently.

She accepts his drinking and recognizes that he means well but can ‘ t follow through with his intentions. She supports him when he is in a really bad place and makes sure that his children are taken care of when he is gone. She is willing to change core pieces of herself, hoping to mend their relationship.

Unfortunately, her man can ‘ t make change. On good days he recognizes that things need to change and even takes baby steps to do so. Unfortunately, those baby steps never get him anywhere and, before long, he is back to his old habits. She is left holding the bag again, her hopes dashed.

If both people aren ‘ t willing to make change, it will be impossible to fix a toxic relationship.

#4 – Know that the fix will take a while.

For many people, when they make a move to start repairing a toxic relationship, they are at the end of their rope. They realize how bad things are and thatefforts to fix things are a last ditch effort to save the relationship.

Unfortunately, a toxic relationship can not be changed overnight.

Change takes a long time. In the case of my client, her partner needs to stop drinking. Without that, there will be no chance of change. Unfortunately, even if he was willing to stop drinking, getting sober and learning to live that way, takes a long time.

Furthermore, behaviors and habits that are engrained in people, and relationships, are hard to break. Often times, repairing a relationship involves two steps forward and one step back. That one step back can be disheartening and lead a couple to give up fighting to fix things.

Recognizing that what is important is that the two steps forward, and not the one step back, is key to fixing a toxic relationship.

#5 – Get some professional help.

For many people, the prospect of getting professional help is a scary thing. Sharing issues with a stranger, putting things out into the world that are embarrassing, worrying about being judged, all tend to steer people away from getting real help. Instead, they decide to make things work on their own.

In the case of my client, her partner finally agreed to therapy. He knew that she wanted it and he was willing to do this one thing in the hopes that she wouldn ‘ t leave him. So, she found a therapist. He did one session and said he wouldn ‘ t do another.

Unfortunately, professional help is essential tohelp people fix a toxic relationship. There are so many ingrained behaviors, so many different angles to look at why things are the way they are, insights based on professional education and experience to be shared and, frankly, someone to referee, that having help is a key part of repairing damage.

When my client ‘ s partner refused to go back to therapy she recognized that he didn ‘ t really want to make change and she gave up hope that things their relationship could be saved.

Can a toxic relationship be saved? Perhaps, if both people are willing to do the work.

With some concerted effort, and patience, from both people, change can be made and a relationship can be improved. I have seen couple after couple come back from some pretty dark places after making a decision to commit to change and working with me to achieve it.

If both of you are willing to acknowledge the toxicity, to take ownership for your role in it, to be willing to make change, to be patient and to get help, your chances of getting through this and being happy in your relationship are possible, maybe even probable.

So, take the step today. Share this article with your partner and see if they are ready to fix your toxic relationship so thatyou can both be happy.

You can do it!

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