How To Manage Feeling Depressed After A Breakup

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Are you feeling depressed after a breakup?

Were you in a relationship that end recently and, whether you wanted it or not, do you find yourself alone now and feeling depressed, hopeless that you will never be happy again?

Let me tell you that you aren ‘ t alone – that there are many women out there RIGHT NOW feeling the way you do. And the good news – you will all feel better soon. I promise!

How? Let me share what I know ‘ ¦.

#1 – Know that your feelings are normal.

You have just broken up with someone you once were deeply connected to. The hopes and dreams that you had for the future have been completely dashed. You are spending time alone that you used to spend with him. Your life is totally different and, honestly, not so great.

You are going to be sad. You are going to be devastated. And it ‘ s okay.

I remember, less than 12 hours after my mother died, my step-father was telling himself to snap out of it, to not be sad. He couldn ‘ t handle the pain that he was feeling. So, he stuffed it down. And, 4 years later, he is still overwhelmed by his loss.

It is important to be okay with the emotions that you are feeling. It isn ‘ t a reflection of any weakness on your part. It ‘ s a reflection of the pain that you are feeling. And it is important that you feel those feelings. That you feel the pain and the sadness and the regret and whatever emotions arise as a result of the break up.

Only by truly feeling and processing emotions are you able to work through them and let them go.

So, embrace your emotions. Own them as your own. Process them and let them go. If you do so, you will be able to let go feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#2 – Put yourself first.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s so hard to get over feeling depressed after a breakup is because when we are feeling depressed we stop taking care of ourselves.

Are you spending large amounts of time in your pjs, eating ice cream? When you do go out are you drinking more than usual? Are you not sleeping? Have you gotten any kind of exercise in recent memory?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions then you are not alone. I don ‘ t know many women who doesn ‘ t treat emotional issues with ice cream instead of marathons. So, don ‘ t feel bad but do try to make some change.

If you can ‘ t sleep, take some melatonin to help you get some. If you are eating ice cream, try to eat just a little bit less. Try to get off the couch and take a walk.

Taking care of yourself in this rough time is an essential piece of getting over feeling depressed after letting go of love.

#3- Embrace things that bring you joy.

I am someone who struggles with depression every day and one of the key things that I do when I am depressed is make sure that I do things that I know make me happy on good days.

What kind of things? I watch movies. I eat Pad Thai. I have sex. I spend time with my kids.

There is factual evidence that doing things that make you happy, that make you smile, actually help to alleviate depression. The actual act of smiling has been proven to change the chemicals firing in your brain, the ones that are causing the depression.

So, what makes you happy? I know that you are feeling depressed and the idea of doing ANYTHING is too much to bear but get up off the couch and do JUST ONE THING that you enjoy doing. See what happens.

#4 – No stalking.

For some reason, when we are going through a break-up, we can ‘ t resist the temptation to stalk our guy on social media. The temptation to see what he is up to, who he is hanging out with, who he might be seeing is just too much to resist.

When you do it, does it make you feel better? I didn ‘ t think so.

One of the most important parts of getting over feeling depressed after a breakup is to remove yourself completely from anything to do with your ex. Block him on your phone. Disconnect from him on Facebook, Instagram, etc. Don ‘ t talk to your friends about what he is doing.

Instead, pretend like he just doesn ‘ t exist. Pretend that he is a guy you used to know who has disappeared off the face of the earth. The less you think and know about your ex, the easier it will be for you to get over him.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up.

I know. I know. The prospect of getting back into another relationship is the last thing that you want to do. To give of yourself to someone else when you still have love for another person.

And that is fair. But it ‘ s also important that you don ‘ t stop living your life. You only have one life and it ‘ s short.

So, if someone from work invites you out for a drink, do it! Go to the movies with friends. If you are invited to a party, go to it. Put yourself back out in the world and into the path of love. You will meet new people, have new experiences and maybe find yourself another person to call your own.

If you stay home, on the couch, watching The Bachelor, eating ice cream you might feel safe and less vulnerable, but you will also stay depressed because you have stopped living your life and you just won ‘ t feel good about yourself.

Put yourself out there. Live your life. You will be glad you did.

Feeling depressed after a breakup is horrible feeling.

What we want more than anything is to move on and stop the pain NOW.

Unfortunately, it most often isn ‘ t possible because grief, and the depression that accompanies it, is usually the first part of the healing process. Luckily, grief is only the first step and that there is hope for your future.

So, embrace your grief, feel it and release it. Take care of yourself, do things that make you happy, stay off social media and get yourself out there.

When you are ready, sooner than later I hope, you can let go of your love and reach out for a new one – yourself.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

 

5 Mistakes that People Make After A Breakup

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There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup.

The pain and change that happens quickly after a breakup often throws people off balance so that they do things that they might not otherwise do.

And those mistakes can cause huge problems both with your ex and your self-esteem.

Trying not to make them will allow the healing to start sooner so that you can get on with your life and be happy.

What kind of mistakes?

#1 – Seeking closure.

One of the biggest mistakes that people make after a breakup is that they seek ‘ ˜closure. ‘

While ‘ ˜closure ‘ can be explained away as a final chance to talk about what happened and leave on good terms, really, closure is really just one more chance to spend time with your soon-to-be-ex and perhaps talk them into being with you again.

I can promise you that spending even one more moment dwelling on what happened and begging your person to take you back will backfire. If your person has broken up with you and you convince him to take you back, chances are it will all happen all over again, sooner or later. Furthermore, prostrating yourself at the feet of your ex, begging him to give you one more chance, will only damage your self-esteem.

I believe that, if someone breaks up with you, seeking closure is only going to drag out the inevitable. So, rant and cry for a bit but then hold your head high and don ‘ t let him know that you are hurting.

#2 – Extensive snooping.

One of the biggest issues with social media is the havoc that it wreaks after break-ups.

In the old days, when a couple parted ways, unless the circumstances were unusual, they rarely or never saw each other again. They didn ‘ t know the intimate details of each other ‘ s life as they went on with their own.

Now, unfortunately, everything is different.

When couples break up these days, part of the break-up means blocking or unfollowing each other on social media. And, unfortunately, this often doesn ‘ t happen fast enough.

I have a client who left her boyfriend because he was a mess. They agreed to ‘ ˜remain friends ‘ and kept up their social media accounts. My client still loved her boyfriend, even though she left him, and she found herself drawn to his social media accounts regularly. This wasn ‘ t an issue in the beginning but once he found another girlfriend it became a real problem.

She would waste hours stalking her ex and his new girlfriend on social media – extremely jealous that he seemed to be doing so much better with someone else. Thinking that some other girl had a better version of him made her crazy. Her self-esteem was in the gutter.

And then I reminded her that people only post their best things on social media. They don ‘ t post the fights or the posturing or the doubts. What she was seeing was a curated version of her ex ‘ s relationship. Understanding this allowed her to end her social media connection with him and begin to truly move on.

#3 – Moving on too quickly.

Another huge mistake that people make after a breakup is that they move on too fast.

I know that your heart is broken and that you desperately want to pull the pieces back together again and the best way to do that, you think, is to find someone else.

Don ‘ t get me wrong, I definitely believe that people should get back on the horse quickly after a relationship fail but I think that it ‘ s very important to take some time and reflect on what happened. Jumping back into a new relationship before you have done so will mean that you might repeat the same mistakes again.

So, take some time and be alone. It ‘ s important to cry and feel your feelings and process with your girlfriends. Gain some understanding into what happened and make sure that history doesn ‘ t repeat itself.

#4 – Staying in contact.

Have you and your ex agreed to ‘ ˜be friends? ‘ Do you want to set an example for other people that people can break up and remain friends? Good for you but, I am afraid, it ‘ s mostly impossible to do so.

When people are romantically involved and break up, especially if it ‘ s one sided, being friends just isn ‘ t possible. The person who is broken up with will use that friendship as an excuse to stay connected with their person and hope for a reunion. The breaker up could get frustrated with their ex ‘ s clinginess and connection and might push them away or even ghost them.

If you would honestly like to be friends with your ex someday, as I am with many of mine, first take some time to get past the end of the relationship and get out into the world. Staying in contact them now will only serve to slow down your healing.

#5 – Holding on to what could be.

Two things that I hear over and over and over after a break up is that they wish that things could be back to the way they were at the beginning and that they wish their person could be the person they know they can be. Wishing for these things will only drive you bonkers.

The beginning of a relationship is a magical time. Hours are spent sharing your deepest thoughts, your heart races whenever you see them and the chemistry is crazy. Unfortunately, maintaining the chemically induced excitement of the early part of a relationship is simply impossible.

Even people in long term, happy relationships no longer have those crazy feelings about each other. Their chemical draw has settled and they move into a more comfortable, loving relationship.

Furthermore, many people hold onto their exes because they focus on what their partner could be. My client who had to break up with her beau because he was a mess saw the long-term potential in him, especially if she just loved him enough. Unfortunately, holding on to someone because of what they could be will only be an exercise in futility. You can ‘ t save or change someone and trying to will only hurt you more.

So, if you are longing for the early days to return or know your person can change, know that neither will happen and take steps to move on.

There are so many mistakes that people make after a breakup so know that you aren ‘ t alone.

Break-ups are painful and the need for the pain to go away makes people do things that are not self-serving.

Make every effort to resist seeking closure and extensive snooping, don ‘ t stay in contact or move on too quickly. And, importantly, understand that things will never go back to the way there were and you can ‘ t make your person into the person you think they can be.

I know that you want to find love – we all do! If you can avoid making these common mistakes then you will be able to move on quickly and find the love that you have always been seeking.

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with end of a relationship

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed All The Time? How To Know When It’s Time To Get Help

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Are you feeling depressed all the time? Are you not enjoying your life? Do you wish that things could be different?

Are your friends are telling you that it will pass. To snap out of it. But you are wondering if you can? Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to ask for help?

There are ways to tell if seeking help for your depression is the right thing for you.

#1 – Can you get out of bed or off the coach?

How much time do you spend on the couch or in bed? You aren’t necessarily tired but the prospect of getting up is just too daunting to face. So, you stay horizontal all day, watching Netflix and feeling like a loser.

This habit is a significant indicator of depression. People who have been diagnosed with depression tell of the great lengths they go to stay out of bed. Of stripping the sheets, taking the mattress off of the box spring and leaning it against the wall, locking the bedroom door. Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed and wallowing in their depression.

If you are feeling depressed all the time and finding that your bed is your favorite and safest place then it might definitely time to get help.

#2 – Do you still do the things you love?

Have you lost interest in doing the things that you have always loved?

Does the idea of going to school or seeing friends or going out to dinner just seem like too much to bear?

People who are feeling depressed all the isolate themselves. The energy that it takes to get out of bed and interact with others is overwhelming. So, they don’t.

Ironically, going out and doing the things that you love is a great way to alleviate depression temporarily. Unfortunately, the treatment can often seem too daunting to undertake and so people who are depressed just stay home.

If you are isolating yourself then it might definitely be time to seek help.

#3 -Are you feeling hopeless and full of dread?

Do you spend much of your time running all sorts of negative thoughts through your head about how horrible your life is? What a loser you are and how no one will ever love you? Are you 100% confident that this will never change?

People who are depressed believe that all of the negative thoughts that run through their head. Unfortunately, they also believe, falsely, that it will always be this way!

The truth is is that when one is depressed things can only seem hopeless because when one ‘ s mind is in such a bad place it ‘ s impossible to believe that the future will be any different.

The good news is that once the depression is addressed that feeling of hopelessness can disappear completely so perhaps it ‘ s time to get help!

#4 – Are you impatient or quick to anger?

Do you find yourself losing your patience with those you love? Do you scream at your kids if their homework doesn’t get done? Do you sneer at your husband if he asks you what is wrong? Can you not even talk to your mom anymore because her incessant questioning is just too much?

Impatience with those you love is a huge indicator of depression. The sense of the hopelessness that our condition will never change and that we are worthless makes it intolerable for us to interact with others, particularly those who love us and want the best for us.

Ironically, it is that love exactly that we need most in our life when we suffer from depression. Pushing that love away ultimately can make the depression worse.

If you are finding yourself pushing away those you love it ‘ s time to get help.

#5 – Are you eating and sleeping?

Have you found that recently your appetite has changed? Do you find yourself indulging more than usual in Ben and Jerry ‘ s and Oreos? Or do you find that you have no taste for food at all? Have you lost weight and find yourself listless because you aren’t eating?

Are you having trouble sleeping? Do you stay up all night watching TV or roll around in bed thinking about terrible things?

Changes in eating patterns can indicate depression. When depression goes untreated, we can self-medicate with food, often to one extreme or another. Which is not healthy and can make it all worse.

Furthermore, not sleeping will only make your depression worse. Sleep deprivation can have more of an effect on one ‘ s health than anyone else.

If you are struggling with eating and/or sleeping then you are definitely depressed and it might be time to get treated.

Feeling depressed all the time is not good and the longer it goes untreated the worse it can get.

Unfortunately, we hate to admit to being depressed because our loved ones, and society as a whole, tend to stigmatize those with depression.

So, ask yourself if you have any of the symptoms above. If you do, seek professional help immediately. Call your primary care provider and tell her exactly how you have been feeling, using this article as a reference if you like. Treating depression is easy. Living with it is not.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed all the time.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Prevent A Toxic Relationship From Ruining Your Life

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Are you in a toxic relationship? Are you struggling big time and recognizing that this relationship is ruining your life?

Many of us are in toxic relationships, ones we can ‘ t escape, ones that are keeping us from living our full lives, from living and loving and being our best self.

We only have one life to live and we need to make sure that we live it to the fullest, even if we are in a toxic relationship that is holding us back.

How?

#1 – Love yourself.

Many of us who are in toxic relationship believe that we are not worthy and are full of self-hatred.

Years of being berated by our partner, told that we are worthless and stupid and total losers, has taken a huge toll on our self-esteem. Furthermore, we know that we have stayed in this relationship, even though we are being abused, and that erodes our self-confidence even more.

It is important that, if we are in a toxic relationship that is ruining our life, we make an effort to love ourselves. That we set goals for ourselves and stick to them. That we take care of ourselves, getting exercise and eating right. That we practice self-care – whether it be a massage or a walk in the woods.

Most importantly, it is essential that we spend time with people who love us. Who remind us about how wonderful we really are. Who support us in every way and help us navigate the world no matter what.

If you are stuck in a toxic relationship, make an effort to love yourself every day. You deserve it.

#2 – Don ‘ t take all the blame.

I know that you have been told over and over that everything that is wrong in your relationship is all your fault. I know that you believe that if you were only more patient or gave them more sex or made them happier everything would be fine.

Let me tell you that this just isn ‘ t true. There are two people in every relationship so, yes, you shoulder some of the blame but it ‘ s definitely not all on you, no matter what you have been told.

Managing self-blame, recognizing that it is a false premise, will help you to love yourself and make you stronger in a relationship. It will allow you to take some power back so that you can not only survive but thrive as you live your life.

#3 – Get help.

Many of us who are struggling in toxic relationships are ashamed and, therefore, go it alone. Even if we are aware that we need help, we hesitate to reach out for it because of our shame and self-blame. We fear being judged and we don ‘ t see what kind of help could make a difference.

Asking for help is the best way to survive a toxic relationship before it ruins your life. Even though we women are strong, even the strongest of us need help when we are feeling desperate.

So, reach out to someone who can help and support you. Your priest, your doctor, your psychiatrist, your life coach, your lawyer or your family. Get help understanding what your options are as far as this relationship – what you need to do to keep your life together in spite of the pain.

#4 – Leave.

You are probably scoffing at me right now. Yeah, right you are thinking. And I get that.

I know that it seems like you could never leave this relationship. That you still love this person. That you have put so much time into it that walking away seems stupid. That you don ‘ t believe in giving up and want to keep trying. Whatever the reasons are, leaving seems untenable.

Leaving is ALWAYS an option. Your life is short, too short to waste in a relationship that is making you unhappy.

If physical fear is holding you back, there are groups out there that can help you escape from your toxic relationship. If fear about what the future holds is what is keeping you stuck, consider what would be better – the ways things are now or how things could be if you were free.

There are always options for women stuck in toxic relationships. Seek out the help you need to make it happen.

#5 – Have hope.

I know that right now you are feeling trapped. That your every day is filled with unhappiness and, perhaps, fear. You wonder if you can ever leave this relationship, ever be happy again.

I am here to tell you that it is more than possible to find happiness in your life. That you too can feel good about yourself, find a love that will make you happy and live the life that you have always wanted.

I have this game I play. I look at women in line at the grocery store and try to figure out which of them are single and which are in an unhappy relationship. I can always tell the difference. Women who are in toxic relationships seems to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. They look grim and gray and unhappy. They are living with a toxic relationship and it is sucking the life out of them.

When you look at women who are single, who have escaped a relationship that makes them unhappy, you see an air about them of lightness and peace. Even though they are alone, for now, they know that life is theirs for the taking.

And women who carry a lightness and peace, who are self-confident after taking the steps to leave a relationship that doesn ‘ t feed them, who have let go of self-blame and have people to support them, are women who will find love and happiness. Love and happiness that will help them live the life they have always wanted.

Being in a toxic relationship can destroy your life.

Women who are unhappy can struggle at work, aren ‘ t the best mothers they can be, lose friends and have trouble with their mental and physical health.

If you are in a toxic relationship, work hard to love yourself, work to let go of self-blame, get help, around leaving if you need it, and have faith that you can be happy. That you can find a love that feeds you and that you can live your very best life.

You can do it! I know it ‘ ¦

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with surviving a toxic marriage.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

How to Move On After Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Love You Back

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Are you struggling after letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you back?

Have you walked away from someone you loved because you know they don ‘ t love you?

Do you know that you did the right thing but are you still struggling with the pain and self doubt? I get it.

I have been there. Let me help you get through it.

#1 – Check your story.

8 years ago, my husband walked out on me for his college girlfriend. We had been married for 20 years and I was devastated. I raged on about how he could do this to me, to our children? I was angry and sad and out for revenge.

And then a friend gently reminded me that my story was perhaps a little bit off track. Yes, he had walked out on me and that was completely unacceptable. BUT we had been really, really unhappy for a long time. Our kids were headed off to school and neither one of us knew if we were ready to reconnect. It was entirely possible that we would have ended up divorced anyway.

Keeping this in mind, that I wasn ‘ t a victim but a partner in a marriage that had slowly fallen apart, helped me to accept the end of our relationship. The leaving me for someone else without even trying piece of it still stings but the truth is that our marriage was most likely doomed and I am way better off. He is her problem now.

#2 – Take inventory.

One of the first thing I tell all of my clients when they have to walk away from someone they love is to make a list – a list of all of the reasons that they need to walk away from that person.

When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person. And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is causing us pain.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him.

You left this relationship for a reason. Keep those reasons in mind daily going forward.

#3 – No contact. None.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love.

Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, gono contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#4 – Do THAT thing.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn ‘ t commit to her. She was devastated.

I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing. In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

#5 – Comfort yourself.

When your heart is broken and you feel like your life is over, one of the best things that you can do is self-care. Your body and your spirit may feel broken but some nurturing will help them heal.

When my husband left me, I was left devastated and alone. My house was empty, my kids were gone and my husband no longer came home at the end of the day. My days were endless and I didn ‘ t know how I was going to survive being alone.

One day, a Groupon appeared in my inbox from Massage Envy, offering a 60 minute massage for $40. I had nothing to do so I bought the Groupon and I made an appointment for a massage. That massage was one of the best hours of my life. I was in a warm room, on a cozy table and I had a lovely woman attending to my aches and pains, making me feel loved and cared for.

I realized that day, when I am emerged from the spa feeling rejuvenated and alive, that doing things that comforted me was what I would need to help me moving forward. From that day on, I would spend some time every day doing things to take care of myself. I did yoga, went for walks, spent time antiquing with girlfriends and drank whiskey by the fire on cold winter nights.

By nurturing myself, by loving myself, I was able to get the strength that I needed to let go of the loss of my marriage.

#6 – Believe your love is out there for you.

I find this to be the number one obstacle to my clients breaking up with someone who doesn ‘ t love them – believing they will never find love again.

Almost without exception, people who are in relationships that aren ‘ t making them happy don ‘ t leave because they believe that there will never be another person for them. That, if they break up with this person, they will be alone forever!

But that just isn ‘ t true. There are many, many fish in the sea and there is one for you.

Of course, if you never have a chance to go fishing, because you are still with this idiot who doesn ‘ t love you, then you, won ‘ t find that person. But if you can be brave enough to act, and break up with said idiot, then you will be setting yourself up for finding the love of your life.

Moving on after letting go of someone who doesn ‘ t love you back is a very hard thing to do.

You still love them but you know that you must let them go because of the pain they are causing you. It will be difficult but it is possible!

Make sure that your break up story is a true one, take stock of why are you leaving him for future reference, cut him off, do something amazing, take care of yourself and believe. I can promise you that your guy is out there! You will find him if you can let go of this guy and find yourself again!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of someone who doesn’t love you back.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

How and Why Establishing Boundaries Before Marriage Can Build A Stronger Bond

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Have your friends been telling you that establishing boundaries before marriage is a very important of a successful marriage?

Do you want to have be happily married but do you have NO IDEA what boundaries are and how and why to set them up before marriage?

Let me help!

To understand healthymarriage boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life. Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Boundaries come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Here are a few of the essential ones.

#1 – Always be true to yourself.

For many people, when they are married, they become less of themselves.

Many people, men and women, take on their spouse ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all peoplestay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your marriage will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And, when you feel good about yourself, your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy marriage requires it.

#2 – Practice compromise.

I have a client whose new husband moved into a house that she already owned. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy marriage.

#3 – Maintain mutual respect.

One of the biggest romance killers in a marriage is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many marriages over the years.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up your power.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when power dynamics are unequal, a marriage can change.

Make an effort to keep the decision making even and fair in your marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your marriage ‘ s playing field become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#5 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

Now that you know what boundaries looking like we can address why establishing boundaries before marriage is important for a healthy one.

#1 – It helps you know if you are compatible.

Establishing boundaries before you are married is important because, in doing so, you will understand whether or not you are compatible.

In spite of what many women believe, things won’t change when you get married – habits and behaviors that exist pre-marriage will carry over into marriage

If you try to establish boundaries after marriage, and you don ‘ t agree on the how or why of them, then you will be stuck with someone who spending your life with might be difficult. Love is important in marriage but it only goes so far.

So, talk to your partner and spend some time defining your boundaries. Doing so will allow you both to confirm that this marriage is the right choice for you.

#2 – You ‘ ve been practicing.

If you work on establishing boundaries before marriage, when you actually get married you will have been practicing those boundaries, learning what works and what doesn’t. You will have established behaviors and practices that work for both of you, that keep you happier together.

So, when the wedding is over and the birdseed has been thrown, you can feel confident that you can ride off into the sunset together, knowing what is important to both of you and that you both can do the work!

#3 – You are a team.

After marriage comes extended family and babies. Having established boundaries will help you stay strong as a couple while facing these challenges.

Extended families are wonderful and sometimes not so much. Traditions that have been established in one family sometimes don ‘ t work in other families. Mother-in-laws mean well but can be interfering. Babies completely rock your world in so many ways.

If you have a truly strong bond that is the result of the boundaries that you have established, you will have a much better chance of riding out those challenges together.

Establishing boundaries before marriage is a key part building a strong bond between the two of you.

I know that we all think that we have found our soul mate and best friend and that nothing can possibly come between us but the reality is is that marriage is long and hard and it takes work.

If you know what to expect from, and of, each other before you are married then you will have a much better chance of truly being happy.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must be wondering about establishing boundaries in marriage.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

The Difference Between Letting Go of Someone and Giving Up

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I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients tell me that letting go of someone is impossible because they don ‘ t want to give up.

They believe that if they can just keep trying, the person they love will finally be the person they want them to be and they will live happily ever after.

From a young age, we are told to never give up and, to a degree, this is good advice. BUT when it comes to relationships it is not necessarily so.

Why?

#1 – You are not the only one involved.

When you are set on finding a job, or finishing a race or losing ten pounds, the person in charge of the outcome is you and only you. It is up to you to set a goal to and reach it no matter what obstacles get in your way.

When you are in a relationship that is troubled, there are two people there. And, while you can absolutely be in charge of your actions and your reactions, you can ‘ t control those of your partner.

Perhaps you decide to take special care to look nice and be kind but your person still treats you like you are ugly and says horrible things to you. Or perhaps you decide that you will be supportive of him no matter how bad his decisions are and still his bad decisions affect your life every day.

OR, perhaps your person is trying to change his behavior but the change that he is making isn ‘ t working for you or perhaps it ‘ s not what you want. As a result, the relationship isn ‘ t getting any healthier.

So, remember, when you are chiding yourself for ‘ ˜giving up, ‘ don ‘ t! There are two of you in this relationship and both of you need to try to make it work.

#2 – You aren ‘ t a superhero.

Yes, we have been told that we must never give up. But sometimes, it ‘ s time to do just that.

For many of my clients, their relationships have gotten so bad that their physical and mental health are being affected. They are doing everything that they can do to save their relationship but their efforts are failing and the relationship is doomed.

In spite of their Herculean efforts, they just can ‘ t make it work.

Recognize this about yourself. Have you done everything conceivable to try to save your relationship but are you still hitting a brick wall? If so, recognize that there are some things that you just can ‘ t change, no matter how hard you try.

Letting go of someone might be exactly what you need to do!

3 – Is it just an excuse?

I ask this of many of my clients – ‘ ˜Are you telling me that you don ‘ t want to give up because you just don ‘ t want let go? ‘

Letting go of someone is a very difficult thing to do. We are scared of the pain that we know we will feel when we break up and we are scared that we will never be loved again. As a result, we make every excuse in the world, including one that makes us sound strong, to stay in the relationship.

So, ask yourself – are you really worried about ‘ ˜giving up ‘ or is it a reason to stay, even if you aren ‘ t happy? Letting go of someone is hard but not impossible.

4 – Would it be so bad?

Ok, so think about climbing a mountain.

You can see the top, and you are dying to get there, but a mile or so back you twisted your ankle and it ‘ s getting more and more swollen. The pain is awful and you aren ‘ t sure you can go another step.

What do you do? Do you keep going even though you know if you do you might not be able to hike down? Or do you turn back, knowing that it ‘ s the best thing for your mental and physical health?

It ‘ s the same with relationships. If your relationship is causing you mental and physical harm, perhaps it ‘ s just time to let go. Let go so that you can be healthy and happy and functional in the world.

Sometimes, letting go of someone, ‘ ˜giving up, ‘ is the healthiest, strongest choice you can make!

Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things to do in the world to do.

The fear of the pain that you might feel is just too much to bear.

But letting go is not the same as giving up.

Remember, there are two of you in this relationship, you can ‘ t fix everything yourself, you might be using ‘ ˜giving up ‘ as an excuse and, really, at the end of the day, would ‘ ˜giving up ‘ be so bad? If you have someone who you need to let go of, do so.

Giving up someone who is causing you pain is a sign of strength, not of weakness!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of someone.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before you get even more stuck.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Surviving Online Infidelity: Are Cyber Affairs Any Less Harmful?

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Are you struggling with surviving online infidelity?

Has the person you loved strayed from your relationship by corresponding with another person online?

Are you wrestling with your feelings and not really sure if what you are feeling is okay? Are you wondering if maybe you shouldn ‘ t be as upset as you are because it ‘ s just an online relationship? It ‘ s not like they had sex or anything.

Let me help you! Surviving online infidelity is possible but first there are some things that you should know.

#1 – Affairs aren ‘ t all about sex.

For many people, the definition of an affair is when one person has sex with another person outside of the relationship.

The reality, however, is quite different.

Experts say that an affair begins when someone starts sharing things that they aren ‘ t sharing with someone else.

One of my clients remembers the time when she told the person she eventually had an affair with that she was depressed. She had never said those words out loud before. That started it all.

Why does this sharing mark the beginning of an affair? Because it creates an intimacy between the two people, one that might be more than that of the original relationship.

Online affairs are all about intimacy. All about sharing feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams. It can often lead to a deep love, one that is not about sex. And that can be scarier, in many ways.

#2 – Online affairs can be more intense.

Online relationships can, in many ways, be more intense.

Because there is no face-to-face contact, but only words shared, there is a tension that builds between the two people. When people have a physical affair, tension can be released after sex. When people have no physical release, the tension just continues to grow.

And with the increase in tension, there is an increase in intensity and which makes the affair more dangerous because the feelings intensify.

Many people who leave their partners for someone they have never met face to face do so because the intensity is so compelling that it drives them to make big, stupid, life changes.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that, because these two are far away from each other, the relationship can ‘ t be that strong. It actually might be stronger than you realize.

#3 – Any kind affair kills trust.

One of the most important parts of any healthy relationship is trust. When affairs happen, trust is violated, perhaps forever.

Since you discovered your partner ‘ s infidelity do you check your their phone and email regularly? Do you question where they are going when they leave the house? Do you obsess about whether he is lying to you about what is happening?

All of these things are evidence that trust has been broken in your relationship. The first step towards surviving online infidelity is rebuilding trust.

#4 – How hurt are you?

When asking yourself whether online infidelity is any less harmful than a physical affair, it ‘ s important to note how you are feeling.

Are you hurt? Are you sad? Are you indifferent?

For many, learning about an online affair can be devastating. Knowing that their partner has shared any intimacy with another person can be incredibly painful.

For others, however, their partner having an online affair doesn ‘ t carry much significance. They have their person every day to come home to. They have sex with them. They share the finances. They are still a couple. The person on the other end of the internet line is just a person who gets nothing but words. And for many people, they are almost happy that their partner has another outlet – that they don ‘ t have to responsible for holding their feelings constantly.

So, how do you feel about what you have discovered? If you are hurt, then, yes, the online affair is harmful. If not, then perhaps you can just not make a big deal of it and move on.

#5 – Infidelity can destroy your relationship.

Whether it ‘ s online or physical, an affair can have the power to destroy your relationship.

The breakdown of trust, the displaced intimacy, the intenseness of the new relationship and the profound hurt that you might feel, all of these can result in the permanent destruction of your relationship.

If there can be a silver lining of an online affair it ‘ s that distance can be a help in trying to end it. When affairs are face-to-face they can be harder to break off because of people might still be thrown together at work or in town or at a party. With an online affair, it might be as simple as blocking or unfriending someone and then it ‘ s over.

But, don ‘ t be naïve. Letting go of an affair is not something that happens easily. People who have affairs become addicted to them. They fall in love with the person they are in the relationship – a woman or man – not a husband or a father or an employee. And that is very hard to let go of!

Surviving an online affair is possible.

It is important, however, that you recognize an online affair for what it is – an affair that can be more intense than a sexual one, that causes the breakdown of trust, that hurts you deeply and that can end your relationship.

It is possible to find your way back to your original relationship, with therapy, communication and restoration of trust but it can and will be challenging.

Now that you understand what an online affair is all about, you can take the next steps and decide if you want to work with your partner to heal or if it ‘ s time to move on.

Do youwant to know surviving online infidelity?
Let me help you, NOW, so you can get started!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

 

 

Why It’s So Hard to Let Go of Someone You Love

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Are you trying to let go of someone you love but who you know is really, really bad for you?

Has the person who you love decided he no longer loves you?

Are you sick of craving your ex, ruminating on good memories, trying to figure out personal flaws, catastrophizing about never loving again, seeking information about your ex, and stalking them on social media?

Trying to let go of someone you love is frustrating, emotionally exhausting and feels, at times, fruitless. But understanding why it ‘ s so hard to let go of someone you love can is great way to start down the path to healing.

Because you can heal. Really.

#1 – History.

Believe it or not, the number one reason that it is so hard to let go of someone you love is based on evolutionary theory.

Back in the day, as mankind was evolving and becoming who it is today, a key part of survival was the need for attachment.

In order for people to come together to make babies and to ensure the babies survival, men and women needed to form attachments that were strong – even unbreakable.

And, because of these attachments, mankind has evolved to be the dominant species on earth (which is too bad but that ‘ s another article).

So, basically, the need for attachment, the need to have a person in your life permanently, is literally needed for the survival of the species. And, as much as we have evolved into modern society, our most basic need, for attachment, persists because without it we would become extinct.

#2 – Chemistry.

When we are falling in love, and in love, our brain chemicals actually change.

Falling in love raises your dopamine which means you are happy, ecstatic even, but lowers your serotonin. When your serotonin is lower you feel more anxious, agitated and restless and have a tendency to be obsessive, compulsive and impulsive. Think about when your new love hasn ‘ t texted for a while and you are jittery and wondering where he is and if he still loves you.

As the relationship stabilizes into a secure attachment, dopamine is replaced by more serotonin and oxytocin, both of which combine to make you want to nest and feel calmer.

When we are fully settled and attached, the brain produces oxytocin. This chemical is fed by spending time together, doing chores, having sex etc.

When we are trying to let of love, or when we are being broken up with, when obstacles get in the way of the attachment, even more dopamine is produced because the experiences of romantic love are heightened by diversity, obstacles and uncertainty. This increase in dopamine means the feelings of love get intensified which means we fall deeper in love with our person at the prospect of being left.

Finally, when our person has left and we are all alone, we are left literally craving the chemicals that have been in our body throughout the relationship. Kicking this craving will be like kicking alcohol or tobacco. It will be really hard.

But, like alcohol and tobacco, the longer you stay away from it, the less you will crave it.

This is why it is essential, when trying to let go of someone you love, that you put a permanent and compete distance between you and him. Don ‘ t feed the craving but let it go.

#3 – Internal conflict.

There are three parts of the brain:

  • the brain stem, which is responsible for bodily functions
  • the limbic brain, which regulates emotions and attachments
  • the neocortex, which regulates executive functioning.

The limbic brain and the neocortex have a very difficult time communicating.

You know how you know that a relationship should be over but you just can ‘ t let go because you don ‘ t ‘ ˜feel ‘ like it ‘ s over. This is because the two parts of your brain aren ‘ t communicating.

We stay in a relationship that doesn ‘ t serve us because our logical brain (neocortex) knows that the attachment is unhealthy but the limbic brain NEEDS that attachment to exist and survive.

This internal conflict is something that you can ‘ t control when you first break up but, like with the chemicals, with time the neocortex will prevail.

When we start to take care of ourselves, stay away from the person who gets our limbic brain agitated and use mindfulness to focus on other things, our neocortex gets stronger and finally the two parts of your brain will connect and tell you that, in fact, the relationship is over and that it’s time to move on.

#4 – A decimated self-esteem.

There is nothing more personal than being left by someone you love. No matter what, we are left with feelings that we aren ‘ t good enough. That we are missing some personality trait that makes us unlovable. That no one will ever love us and that the world would be better off without us, losers that we are.

Tise reduced self-esteem is one of the reasons why it is so hard to let go of someone you love. When we feel bad about ourselves we want to reach out to the person who once loved us, to get confirmation that we aren ‘ t all that we think we are, that they left us not because of our limitations but because of some external force.

And that is something we rarely get. We continue to feel bad about ourselves no matter what.

Furthermore, the end of a relationship is like a death – something that was super important to us, that we had such high hopes for, that we had pinned our future on, is gone and we are left mourning that loss.

Unfortunately, in this modern culture, mourning is not okay. Sure, we are allowed to be sad for a while but it doesn ‘ t take long for your friends and family to tell you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ For them to get sick and tired of listening to your pain and want you to get on with your life does not help how you feel about yourself.

Having your feelings belittled and neglected only adds to the feelings of shame. Not only has our love abandoned us but so too our family and friends.

#5 – Lack of answers.

Almost worse than the trauma of being apart from our loved one is the lack of answers. We have been rejected and are confused and we have no idea what happened.

We spend all of our hours wondering what happened. Why did something so promising fall apart? Why did someone we had been married to forever decide to walk away?

Those unanswered questions torment us and, with the decreased serotonin, we become increasing agitated. We seek ‘ ˜closure ‘ which only aggravates our limbic brain and gets us going down the same path that we have been on already.

And, more often than not, there aren ‘ t any answers. ‘ It ‘ s about me, not about you. ‘ “I just need to spend some time alone. ‘ None of these answers will be enough to calm your aching heart.

If you can try to disregard the questions, knowing that you might not get the answers that you seek, then it might help you move on more quickly

I know you are in a lot of pain right now because you have to let go of someone you love.

There might truly be nothing worse than a broken heart. But you can survive it.

Understand that the history of our species makes us want to stay attached, that our chemistry makes withdrawal from an attachment supremely difficult, that our brain ‘ s internal conflict is powerful, that our self-esteem has plummeted and that we are left mostly only with questions. Understanding these things will help you let go of someone you love so that you can get on with your life and meet the guy who you are supposed to be with.

It will happen. Winston Churchill said ‘ ˜If you are going through hell, don ‘ t stop. ‘ Suffer through the pain and you will emerge, like a butterfly, on the other end.

I promise.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling how to let go of someone you love.
Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal.
Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

 

Suddenly Depressed? Why Your Depression Seems To Come Out of Nowhere

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Are you finding yourself suddenly depressed?

Did everything seem just fine and now suddenly you find yourself sad, hopeless and full of despair?

I know feeling depressed is really disheartening but a big part of accepting and managing it is knowing where it comes from.

So, why might you be suddenly depressed?

#1 – Your chemistry is off.

For many people, being suddenly depressed comes from a chemical imbalance in the brain. This kind of depression is known as chemical depression and it ‘ s something that you have no control over and that can sneak up on you.

Chemical imbalances can be caused by many things – trauma, genes, ill health and brain injury. It is not something that is caused by weakness or lack of character nor is it your fault. Many people feel that their depression is a sign of weakness but, if you are chemically depressed, being the strongest person on the planet would make not one bit of difference.

Fortunately, you can treat chemical depression with therapy and/or medication. See your primary care doctor right away if you suspect you might be struggling with chemical depression. He or she can help you get the proper treatment so that you can go back to being happy and hopeful.

#2 – You have been overindulging.

Many people don ‘ t know that not taking care of our bodies and overindulging can lead to depression.

New research is showing the connection between the brain and the stomach and they are discovering that when the stomach is sick, the brain becomes ill.

Have you ever noticed how, if you spend a weekend overindulging on really bad food, or you eat something that doesn ‘ t agree with you, you find yourself feeling not quite yourself. Maybe a little bit more down than usual or flat out depressed? This is most likely because your tummy flora is off and it ‘ s causing a short-term chemical imbalance in your brain which could be affecting your mood.

How about after a night of drinking? Do you find yourself feeling depressed the next day, not wanting to go to work or hang out with your friends? Did you know that drugs and alcohol can both lead to short term depression?

Alcohol is a natural depressant, which is why it chills us out at the end of a long day. But too much alcohol depresses the nervous system and even after we have stopped drinking it stays in our bodies for hours and can cause depression.

It is important that we take care of ourselves every day. Eat right and drink moderately. One thing my doctor recommended was a daily probiotic to help me manage my moods. I know when my tummy is good, my head is good.

#3 – It has been there all along, hiding.

For many of us, depression can sneak up on us. We think that we are fine, fine, fine and then suddenly we are not.

But the reality is that often our depression comes into our lives gradually and we only notice it when it reaches full strength.

Think about the past weeks and months of your life – what has been going on? Have there been life events that might have led gradually to this ‘ ˜sudden ‘ depression?

I know that my spring and summer have been hard. First my dog died and then a friend committed suicide and then my son was in the hospital and then I travelled overseas (which was amazing but exhausting) and then my friend ‘ s mother died and all that time I was taking care of clients.

I was depressed. Did I notice? Nope, not until my therapist pointed it out.

So, take a good hard look at what has been happening in your life. Maybe the depression isn ‘ t so sudden after all.

#4 – It could be the time of year.

Every year many of us are affected by something called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).

People who are struggling with SAD are people whose mood changes with the seasons. For many people, SAD happens during the long winter months. The cold weather and limited sunshine can have a debilitating effect on a person ‘ s mental health.

SAD can be hard to recognize and it can progressively get worse as the season goes on. Fortunately, there are ways to deal with SAD. Light therapy is a great way to help with SAD. As is vitamin D. Or a trip to Jamaica

Talk to your doctor about managing your SAD. You will be glad you did.

#5 – You just are.

When we are feeling depressed we tend to cast around for a reason. The sadness is uncomfortable and if we can just find something to explain it then we think we will feel better.

And yes, identifying the cause of depression can be the first step towards managing it. But sometimes there is no cause. Sometimes we are just depressed.

I have a friend who called me last summer, frantic because she had been feeling really blue for a few days. I have known this friend for 20 years and I knew that she was one of those people who was generally pretty steady, mood-wise. So, we both were a bit taken aback by her sadness.

We talked it through, considered her chemistry, what had been happening in her life, if she had been taking care of herself, whether or not she had been blue like this before and guessed it wasn ‘ t SAD. We couldn ‘ t pinpoint a cause so we decided to wait it out a week or so and see what happened.

Fortunately, a few days later she called me and told me the cloud had lifted, that she was feeling more like her old self. Nothing had happened to change anything – she just realized one day that she was feeling better.

The world can be a difficult place and sometimes all it takes is the news or a fight with your boyfriend or a bad grade at school to send us off to a dark place. And when that happens, riding it out can be just the solution.

That being said, depression isn ‘ t something to be taken lightly and if your depression doesn ‘ t clear up in a reasonable time, definitely seek some professional help.

Feeling suddenly depressed can be really scary. Really scary.

But understanding why you might be so can go a long way towards helping you manage your sadness.

Talk to your doctor about your brain chemistry, consider what has been happening in your life recently, make sure you are taking care of yourself and take stock of the weather.

It is important that, if you are depressed, you deal with it right away. Depression that goes untreated will only get worse. So, deal with your depression today!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with depression.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

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