How To Know When It’s Time to Say Goodbye

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Are you in a relationship that is making you supremely unhappy and are you wondering if it ‘ s time to say goodbye?

Are you scared about the future and wondering if letting go is the best idea or if you should wait it out and see if maybe you can make it work?

Let me help you.

Saying goodbye to someone you are in a relationship with is a very hard thing to do. Relationships start out so hopeful and when they start to fall apart it ‘ s very hard to let them go. The fear that we will be alone if we do is palpable and can paralyze us every time.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to say goodbye? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time.

#1 – You don ‘ t feel good about yourself

Feeling good about yourself is key to a healthy relationship.

If you don ‘ tfeel good about who you are in the world, if you feel like you need someone to ‘ ˜complete you, ‘ if you hate being alone, then you aren ‘ t in a good place with yourself so a good relationship will be impossible.

People who are needy or clingy or fraught with insecurities do not make good partners and if you are feeling that way at all, your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and it could be time to let go.

#2 – You can ‘ t talk about things.

Relationships that end usually involve people who just can not communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs.

Relationships are very intense and very personal. To manage them effectively, it ‘ s important thatpeople communicate.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and someone on the receiving end to hear them. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you aren ‘ t able to share your issues with each other, then you might want to start looking elsewhere for someone to love because the one you are in is most likely beyond repair.

#3 – You are obsessed.

Do you spend much of your waking hours thinking about your man? Do you spend hours stalking him on social media, listening to songs that remind you of him, trying to figure out ways to run into him?

If the answers to the above questions are ‘ ˜yes, ‘ then you are actually experiencing something called obsessive love.Obsessive love iswhen one person feels an obsessive desire to possess and protect another person with an inability to accept rejection or failure.

Love is a wonderful, giving, open emotion. Obsession is a harsh, angry, destructive one.

So, if the love you feel for your man is obsession, then it ‘ s definitely time to say goodbye. It ‘ s not healthy for either of you.

#4 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life revolves around her husband. She wakes up with him, makes him breakfast, gets him off to work, cleans the house after he is gone, brings him lunch at work, makes dinner for when he comes home and watches what he wants to watch every night.

She has turned her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

That is why she is talking to me!

Make sure that when you are in a relationship you have lots of things in your life outside of your relationship. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

If you rely completely on your partner for your happiness, it might be time to say goodbye. Going away and then coming together to share experiences is a key part of maintaining a healthy relationship and if you can ‘ t, or won ‘ t, do that then your relationship might be over.

#5 – He is giving you mixed messages.

Is your man alternating hot and cold? Does some days he seem like his loving self and then others he is crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Unless your man has bi-polar disorder, a man who is playing up and down with his woman is a man no longer interested.

If a man wants something, particularly a woman, he will move heaven and earth to get it. If your man only wants you some days and not others then he isn ‘ t making any effort at all to keep you.

So, unless your man is always hot for you, it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

#6 – He isn ‘ t giving you the love you want.

The number one thing we seek in a relationship is love. Unfortunately, for many women, we are willing to settle for companionship and give up on the love we want because our men just aren ‘ t capable of giving us what we desire.

Has your man stopped asking how you are doing? Has he stopped asking you out on dates or bringing home the groceries or including you in activities with his friends? Does he no longer listen when you talk or seem to care at all about what you think?

A man like this is a man who has nothing left to give to the woman he used to love.

Unfortunately, for many women, when they are trying to save a relationship that was once so promising, they become so obsessed with saving it that they don ‘ t notice how little of it still exists. They will talk more to fill in the silences left by the absence of questions. They will invite themselves along on outings they weren ‘ t invited to. They will plan things that the two of them can do together. As a result, women don ‘ t notice that their man has completely checked out.

So, take a moment and think about your relationship. What has your man done for you lately? If the list is short then it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

#7 – History repeats itself.

Are you and your guy stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your man tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to say goodbye. Time to let go of what was and move forward to what could be.

I am guessing that you are reading this article because you suspect, deep down, that the relationship you are in isn ‘ t the one for you. But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to say goodbye.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay hard attention to whether it ‘ s time to say goodbye to a relationship that isn ‘ t working.

Do you feel good about yourself? Are you communicating? Is he treating you well? Is the love you feel for him healthy? If the answers are yes, keep working hard on your relationship. If not, perhaps it ‘ s time to say goodbye.

And just how do you do that? Check out this article:5 Life Saving Ways to Let Go of Someone Who Doesn ‘ t Love You so that You Can Be Happy. It will guide you, step by step, through a process that might be difficult but that will be worth it in the long run.

You CAN do this!

If you have read this far you must really be wondering if it’s time to say goodbye.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Making Peace With Your Depression Once & For All

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Have you recently been diagnosed with depression and are you struggling making peace with that diagnosis? Or perhaps have you lived with depression for a long time and making peace with living with depression has been something you just have not been able to conquer?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone.

Every year, millions of people living with depression struggle to accept their diagnosis. In America, the stigma of living with mental illness is so great that the idea of accepting that you might perhaps be one of those millions is often just too much to bear. While you feel like you could fight cancer in a moment, you think that sharing with your friends and family that you are living with depression would be horrible. Embarrassing. A sign of weakness.

The class of people living with mental illness is the number one most stigmatized in the country, over race and sexual orientation, so it ‘ s no surprise that you might struggle with being one of it ‘ s members.

However, a really important part of living successfully with depression is making peace with it. Accepting that depression is a part of your life but knowing that you can live a full life nonetheless is how you will be able to do so.

I know the making peace can be difficult but important. So how can you do it? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Understand that your depression is not your fault.

For many of us, we ‘ ve blame ourselves for our depression.

We think that perhaps if somebody just loved us, or we had a better job, or we were in better shape or if our parents loved us more then we just wouldn ‘ t be depressed.

We believe that our depression is a personal failing. Every time that someone tells us to ‘just suck it up’ and we can ‘ t, we feel like we ‘ re letting everybody else down.

The reality is is that mental illness is not the cause of some personal failing. Mental illness is usually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, one that you had nothing to do with creating.

This chemical imbalance is often genetic, like mine, but it can also be caused by trauma. If you have recently been through some trauma, know that that trauma is in no way your fault and the resulting depression is most likely caused by chemical changes in your brain.

Your depression is not your fault. People who tell you to ‘just suck it up’don ‘ t understand what depression is really like. So, you aren ‘ t letting anybody down when you can ‘ t suck it up because it ‘ s just not possible to do so when you ‘ re really depressed. People who live with depression know that.

#2 – Understand that admitting you are depressed isn ‘ t a sign of weakness.

Another piece of making peace with your depression is to admit to yourself that, in fact, you are struggling.

Awareness is the starting point for dealing with pretty much everything in our lives. Being aware of why you ‘ re feeling so sad after a broken heart is the first step towards mending it. Being aware of what is causing the pain in our neck helps us to figure out how to treat it.

Admitting to yourself that you ‘ re living with depression is the first step to true acceptance which can then lead to healing. A person who admits to living with depression is not only not weak but very strong.

Depression is like a 100 pound gorilla on your back. Life can be hard. Life is even harder when trying to live it with a hundred pound gorilla on your back.

So, know, deep in your heart, that making peace with your depression is not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength because only someone with great strength would be willing to take on something as devastating as depression.

#3 – Understand why others react the way they do.

We call depression the ‘ ˜no casserole disease. ‘ If you get cancer, people show up at your house with food. If you get depression, people tend to disappear.

Because of this, for myself and for many of my clients, telling others that we are depressed is one of the hardest things we have ever have to do.

When I told my mom that I was struggling with depression, she immediately tried to fix it. She kept reminding me about how good my life was and how lucky I was to have all that I did and that it was very selfish of me to burden others with my sadness. She couldn’t accept me for who I was – she wanted to fix me.

My mom ‘ s reaction was devastating to me but I later learned that her father had struggled with depression and he had disappeared and I think my mother was petrified that the same would happened with me.

So, when somebody reacts badly when you tell them you are living with depression, know that it says a lot more about them than does about you. People react negatively for various reasons but most often it ‘ s because we touch too close to the bone.

When I do speeches about living with depression, many people come up to me afterwards and share stories of people they love living with mental illness The hopelessness that they feel, and describe, because they can ‘ t help their loved one is beyond description.

#4 – Understand that you are in the company of greatness.

What most people do not know until they start noticing is that many famous people live with depression. Many very creative, intelligent, attractive, kind and successful men and women live with depression and live successfully.

A few people living with depression today: Catherine Zeta Jones, Kanye West, Ellen DeGeneres, Cara DeLavigne, Harrison Ford, Lady Gaga, Gwyneth Paltrow and Demi Lovato, among others.You know each of them and now you know what someone looks like who was successful making peace with their depression and is living a sold, happy life.

Abraham Lincoln, Georgia O ‘ Keefe, Sigmund Freud, Siddhartha and Franz Kafka were all brilliant people who made a difference in the world, all the while living with depression

So, if you believe that your depression makes you in any way less than, know that you ‘ re surrounded by amazing people in this world who live and thrive with depression every day.

#5 – Understand that making peace will actually make you better.

Those of us who live with mental illness know that we were only able to start living with it successfully once we had accepted that it was a part of our life.

Only by fully accepting who we are and what we are living with can we begin the healing process.

For me, once I accepted that the feelings that I had lived with for 46 years were not a personal shortcoming but due to a chemical imbalance, I was able to learn how to live with it. I made it my life ‘ s work to help educate people about mental illness, to support them, and to help reduce stigma.

I learned everything I could about my chemical imbalance, I learned what medicine worked to keep my head above water and I developed coping skills that I practice every day. The combination of my knowledge and my practice has allowed me to help hundreds of women deal with depression, including myself.

I know that I would not be in the great place that I am today had I not accepted my illness.

So, if anything should really encourage you making peace with your depression, perhaps it can be the understanding that if you do make peace with it you might be able to begin the heal.

Making peace with your depression in a world where mental illness is still so stigmatized can be very challenging.

But if there was ever a challenge to take on, it would be making peace.

If you can work to understand that your depression is not your fault, that it is not a sign of weakness, why others react the way they do and that you are in the company of greatness then you will be able to start living successfully with depression.

Can you imagine what it would feel like, to wake up every morning, knowing that today your depression is no longer going to control you but that you will control it? That, at the end of the day, you will feel good about yourself and your place in the world because your depression is no longer in charge?

How awesome would that be? It is possible. You CAN do it!

If you have read this far you must really want to make peace with your depression.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How to Cope with Feeling Depressed When Going Through A Divorce

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Are you going through a divorce and wondering if you will ever stop feeling depressed, so overwhelmed by everything that is going on?

Divorce is hell – everything that was familiar in your life is changing and it is devastating. Keeping your spirits up for the kids, trying to focus on work and wondering what the hell you are going to cook for dinner just feels like more than you can bear some days.

I get it. I have been there.

But I am also here to tell you that you can and will get through your divorce even if you are feeling depressed. Let me help!

#1 – Nest.

When I was going through a divorce, I met a woman who had been through one the previous year. Because I had never gone through a divorce before, I had no idea how to cope. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had been just been through it.

I had moved out of our family home and had found a rental.  I had left my things at our house so that it would look good when we tried to sell it. My new friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my things and bring them to my new house.

For women, when we are going through a hard time, our surroundings are very important. It has something to do with the nesting instinct that is very primal. Women want their space to be a comforting, happy place. 

So, what did I do? I had my things moved to my rental and I filled our family home with furniture from a house staging company. And did it make a difference? Oh yes, it did. Being surrounded by my furniture, by my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed linens, seeing the little things that I had accumulated over the years on the shelves all gave me such a sense of comfort.  My life was so confusing because of all the change but coming home to my things provided me more comfort than I can even explain.

#2 – Get support.

For many women, going through divorce is very embarrassing. It feels like failure on so many levels. And because it is so, we often try to go with alone. We think we can tough it out and get through it and that we will be just fine.

But the reality is is that we all need support when we go through this very difficult period. We have never been divorced before and we have no idea what we ‘ re doing and it ‘ s very important that we align ourselves with people who are informed and supportive.

What kind of people? For me, my friend who had been through a divorce was a huge source of information and support. She could look back on her divorce and talk to me about her successes and her failures so as I went through my divorce process I knew what to look out for.

I also found myself a therapist who I talked to every week. I really felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn ‘ t want be with me anymore and she was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don ‘ t happen because one person didn ‘ t do something right but that there are two people in marriage and both share responsibility for the good and the bad.

Someone else who really helped me when I was going through my divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went off to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn ‘ t being touched regularly. So, I indulged and got a massage once a week for three months. Having somebody touch me for 60 minutes a week significantly help me get through these very turbulent times.

And, finally, I got myself a lawyer. She was able to walk me through the reality of getting a divorce and what being divorced would look like. And how much it would cost. Information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control of my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward confidently.

#3 – Make a plan for the future.

After talking to my lawyer, I realized that, for the rest of my life, I was going to have to take care of myself. I was scared out of my mind.

I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and all of a sudden I was going to be responsible for taking care of myself financially, for doing my own taxes, for finding healthcare and for figuring out how to fix things that broke in my house. I was very overwhelmed and didn ‘ t know how I was going to handle it.

So I started to think about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that, while being alone was scary, it was also give me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I could live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that really helped me cope with feeling depressed because for 20 years I had been unhappy and I knew that now I was in charge of fixing my unhappiness.

Next, I made plan. I came up with a list of things that I was going to need to consider for my future and I came up with a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to help me with my taxes. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn ‘ t take care of myself.

Lastly, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were so I knew what kind of money I was going to need going forward to survive. Armed with that knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony that I would need to get myself back on my feet.

Making a plan, having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going manage, really helped me to cope with my feeling depressed while going through my divorce.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

Fortunately for me, when I was going through my divorce, I didn ‘ t drink. While I hadn ‘ t been much of a drinker for the previous 20 years, I have to admit that the inclination to drink a bottle wine on a lonely night at home was often very attractive. I am glad i didn’t though. I think had I indulged in a bottle of wine I might ‘ ve struggled more with figuring out what I needed to do to move forward.

Instead of drinking wine I did yoga. I did yoga every single day. When my brain started running out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back.  When I started feeling like I was not going to survive, I used yoga to make my body feel stronger.

I also made a big effort to spend a lot of time in the sunshine because it’s warmth made me feel healthy and strong and the Vitamin D from the sun helped alleviate my depression.

And, of course, I ate well, as well as I could at least, and made a big effort to get enough sleep.

I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and my body strong really helped me get through this divorce intact and helped alleviate my pain when I was feeling depressed.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up!

Perhaps you ‘ re reading this article because you are feeling like you might be at the end of your rope. Perhaps you ‘ re feeling that, because the life that you once led is over, there ‘ s no reason for you to go on. Your future looks hopeless and you will never be happy again.

I can promise you this is not true. I know you might not believe it right now because from where you sit things look pretty shitty but I can promise you that the view from the other side is a rosy one. 

Since I ‘ ve been divorced, I have moved to New York City from New England, I have started my own business, I have dated a bunch of wonderful men, I have a whole crew of new friends, I have a great relationship with my kids and a really huge sense of my own self-worth. The few years after my divorce were definitely a struggle but in the years since I ‘ ve learned more about myself than I learned in the previous 46 and I know now who I am, I know what I want and I ‘ m not afraid to get it.

So, know that your hopelessness is because of your depression and that your future is not hopeless. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Learning how to cope when you ‘ re feeling depressed because you ‘ re going through a divorce is an important part of successfully getting through it all.

I know right now it doesn ‘ t seem like you ever will be happy again but you will!

Make sure that you are surrounded by the things that make you happy, reach out to get support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself and don ‘ t ever give up.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How I Used CBT to Mend a Broken Heart

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There is nothing worse than trying to mend a broken heart. Nothing!

The intense feelings of sadness and loss. Of losing someone to do things with. The belief that you will never find love again. The questioning whether you made a mistake.

There are a lot of emotions that are difficult to process. So, what do we do? We eat ice cream and drink wine and watch a lot of Netflix, hoping that the pain will pass.

There is something that can help you mend your broken heart quicker and in a healthier way. Using Cognitive Behavorial Therapy (CBT) is the key.

Psychology Today defines CBT as a type of psychotherapy in which patients reframe negative thinking patterns into positive thoughts.

Let me explain how you can use CBT to process your broken heart.

#1 – Identify your feelings.

For each of us, our broken heart manifests itself with different feelings. The feelings are often the result of how the break-up occurred.

For me, when I broke up with my last boyfriend I was incredibly sad because I loved him madly but he couldn ‘ t give me what I wanted. I was also disappointed and angry that what I hoped would be wasn ‘ t.

When my husband left me for another woman, my feelings were completely different. I was mourning the loss of our family, I was furious that he had left me behind, I was scared because I would have to start finding my way financially and I felt completely disrespected that I could be replaced so quickly.

So, you see the difference between the two broken hearts?

The first step using CBT to cure your broken heart is to identify what feelings you are feeling. Are you sad, mad, disappointed, scared? Once you know what feelings you have you can more easily deal with them.

#2 – Recognize your emotions.

So, let ‘ s take you one step further into your feelings. That step is to identify what happens to you as a result of the feelings?

Ok, so, I was sad and disappointed when I had to break up with my boyfriend. With CBT I looked at what those feelings brought up.

My boyfriend had been in the process of a divorce. He made me many promises about his intentions around that divorcethat were broken. He stopped being intimate with me and never made me a priority. So, I broke up with him and I was sad. But there was more to it than that.

Not only was I sad but my self-esteem was at rock bottom. I focused on how stupid I had been to let him lead me on for so long. I felt sorry for myself that he didn ‘ t make me a priority. I felt that I wasn ‘ t good enough if he wasn ‘ t willing to try harder to be with me. So, my feelings, my sadness, I realized, were more about being focused on what a loser I was.

I mean, how could ever find love again if I was such a loser?

And, so, I suffered, feeling shitty about myself and my future prospects. I recognized that the sadness was really a cover for the lack of self-worth that was really the problem.

So, take a look at the emotions that you are feeling about the feelings that you have. Are they what they seem to be? Dig a little deeper.

#3 – Reframe the negativity.

So, there I was, feeling rock bottom horrible about myself and not sure where to go from there.

CBT gave me some tools to work with in that it showed me how to reframe my negative thoughts about myself.

Instead of feeling bad about myself for letting him lead me on for so long, I worked to commend myself for having the strength to finally walk away. I recognized that not making me a priority was not because of me but because of how crazy his life was during the divorce. I also saw that HIS self-esteem was really low and that he probably didn ‘ t feel good enough for ME so he pushed me away.

By reframing my negative thoughts, the thoughts that were dragging me down, I started to see that what happened wasn ‘ t all my fault. Yes, I had spent more time waiting for him than was perhaps wise, but I DID get out. His lack of attention wasn ‘ t because of ME but because of his life circumstances. And that, perhaps, I wasn ‘ t such a loser and that another love might be out there for me!

#4 – Be easy on yourself.

I have never, ever met a woman going through a break up who didn ‘ t blame herself for the whole thing. Either her man was happy to put the blame on her or she took it all on herself, unwittingly. Either way, blame for the end of a relationship is a heavy load to bear.

Whether you broke up with your guy or he with you, know that you are NOT entirely to blame. There are two people in every relationship and nothing happens in a void. Even if you fooled around on your guy and he broke up with you, something about your relationship with him was struggling or you wouldn ‘ t have fooled around.

So, be easy on yourself. It wasn ‘ t all your fault so don ‘ t let him, or you, carry the load all by yourself. You will be amazed at how much lighter your feelings are if you can truly accept that it that break-up wasn ‘ t all on you.

#5 – Take action.

Once I had processed my feelings and my emotions, I had identified my sadness and the lack of self-esteem that had resulted from the break up, I was able to see my future more clearly and start taking some steps to get on with my life.

The first thing that I was did was I blocked my guy on social media and put every momento of him that I had in a box. My guy, who I did still love, was part of my past and not my future.

I went back on Match and Bumble and started to date. And, yes, it wasn ‘ t much fun at first but it was very distracting.

I made a huge effort to plan doing things. I hiked and went to the movies and had dinner with friends. I went to parties (which I hate) and met new people. I shook up the narrow world that I had created while waiting for my guy to get his shit together. I started to have fun again.

And guess what happened! I met another guy. THE guy. And, because I had done my CBT work and processed my emotions and my feelings and built up my self-esteem, I was ready for him. I was ready to try again. And this time it worked!

So, don ‘ t stay home, waiting for your life to start again. Get out there. Make it happen! You can do it!

If you are struggling to mend a broken heart right now, I am so sorry! I wish that I could just lift that pain off you and let you get on with your life.

Unfortunately, I can ‘ t do that, but YOU can!

While it might seem too painful to confront what you are feeling head on, doing so gives you the best chance of a speedy recovery.

So, identify your feelings, focus on your emotions, reframe your negative thoughts, be easy on yourself and take action.

Take your life back. It ‘ s yours, it ‘ s short and it needs to be lived!!!

If you have made it this far you must have a broken heart that needs to be mended ASAP.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can get your life back and find love again!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Compassionate Women Will Change the World. Are You One of Them?

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Today, more than ever, it is becoming clear that women will change the world. Why? Because they feel compassion in a way that men don ‘ t and compassion is the key to changing the world.

Political differences, mass shootings, devastating forest fires and just the general slog of living in the modern world has made the need for compassion even more important.

What is compassion and why do we need it?

Dictionary.com defines compassion as an emotional reaction to witnessing another ‘ s suffering, coupled with the desire to help the person who is in pain.

In this day and age, when people are suffering on both a global and personal level, having someone reach out a hand to help can truly make the difference between life and death.

That ‘ s how important it is.

So, what kind of woman is naturally compassionate?

#1 – Women who are survivors.

Women who are compassionate are, more often than not, women who have struggled with hardship themselves. Who have gone through hell and back and survived.

Why? Because women who have suffered truly understand the suffering of others. Truly, right down to their bones, because they have suffered themselves.

I have a client whose husband left her years ago and her struggle to survive that abandonment was profound. She made it though, after a lot of pain and hard work. And now she is involved with a man who is at the last stages of his divorce from his wife of many years. It is taking a while because his wife doesn ‘ t want the divorce.

Her friends ask her if she is angry that the divorce isn ‘ t moving forward but she isn ‘ t. She has nothing but compassion for this woman because she knows exactly what she is going through. She also knows that she survived it and that this woman will too.

#2 – Women who have self-compassion.

Women who are compassionate, more often than not, have self-compassion.

Why? Because how can someone treat someone compassionately if they have no idea how to treat themselves so?

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing themselves for their shortcomings, women with self-compassion are kind and understanding to themselves when confronted with personal failings. They understand that they are just like other people, working hard to be the best person that they can be in spite of sometimes insurmountable odds.

Once a person can be truly aware of the humanness of themselves they can more easily recognize and empathize the suffering of another.

After my divorce I self-flagellated constantly. I felt that I was completely at fault for the demise of my marriage and was happy to bear that cross daily. As a result, I was super angry at my ex for leaving me. I resented his new happiness with his new wife and celebrated when his life took a downturn.

In recent years I have come to see that there were two people in that relationship and that we both had blame to share. As I have forgiven myself for my failure in my marriage, I have been more able to have compassion for my ex-husbands actions, to see how his unhappiness led to him making the choice that he did and accepting that it was all for the best.

I know that, without my self-compassion, my ex-husband and I, and our kids, wouldn ‘ t be in the good place that we are today.

#3 – Women who are mindful.

Women who are compassionate are people who are mindful. Women who are mindful are living in the minute, paying attention to those around them and willing to take action when necessary.

How can someone whose head is down, focused on their phone, even notice someone who is suffering? How can someone who is always looking ahead to what is next reach out and help someone who needs them in the minute? How can someone who notices, but doesn ‘ t take action, make the difference in life of someone who needs them?

How about you? When was the last time you looked up from your phone and saw someone suffering? What did you do? Did you quickly look back down at your phone, hoping someone else would help, or did you step up and take action to help that person in need?

Keep your head up. And take action when necessary.

#4 – Women who are generous.

Women who are compassionate are always generous, sometimes to a fault.

Women who are generous seek to give unto others with no need for anything in return.

I have a client whose boyfriend has really been struggling. His mother is sick and his work is going badly and he spends much of his time just trying to keep his mental health above water. My client loves her boyfriend and wants to support him but she was getting sick of getting absolutely nothing in return.

As a result, she started to be resentful of all that she gave to him. She wanted him to acknowledge and reciprocate all that she did for him. And what did that do? It made everything worse for her man because now he had to be responsible to his girlfriend for her happiness too.

If someone you love needs you right now, be generous with your time and your love. Don ‘ t expect anything in return. Help them get through this tough time without having to worry about you. You never know when in the future you might need their compassion too.

#5 – Women who are grateful.

Women who are compassionate are grateful.

Women who are compassionate know how they lucky they are to have the life that they have. They recognize the gift that is their life and how lucky they are to have it.

Because they are grateful they can help people who are struggling see the good in the world, to recognize the gifts that they have and teach them to reach for the happiness they want. They have a clear picture of what contentment looks like and can guide a needy someone towards that light.

Women who take their life for granted, who seek additional adulation and riches, who don ‘ t recognize how lucky they are to have what they have, are people who aren ‘ t likely to see the good in the world and will struggle to identify and empathize with people because for them the world is all about needing more.

I know that every day I wake up in my beautiful house, laugh at my silly dog and celebrate having found the love of my life. I know that I am supremely lucky and it helps me be the truly compassionate life coach that I am.

So, look around. How lucky are you?

If you look around this world full of conflict and hatred and you are wondering what you can do to make a difference, I would suggest that cultivating compassion would be a gift to everyone. Because women who cultivate compassion will save the world.

Next time you see someone who is struggling, step forward and reach out your hand. Recognize that suffering is the human condition but that in it there is the hope for joy and acceptance. Be grateful for all that you have and share what you have with others.

If you can make the difference in the life of even one person, what a gift that will be!

Do you want to cultivate compassion and change the world?

Let me help you, NOW, and you can start making a difference today!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed? It Could Be SAD.

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Do you find that as the days are getting shorter and the temperatures are falling you are feeling depressed and having to work hard to keep yourself from surrendering to debilitating sadness?

Are you wondering what the hell is going on because normally you are just fine?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is something that affects millions of women each year, women who ordinarily don ‘ t live with depression. SAD seems to affect women more than men and young women more than older women but It can happen to anyone.

SAD is a type of depression that occurs with the change of the seasons. If you are feeling depressed these days, SAD might be the cause.

Let me tell you a little bit about SAD and you can see if it might be the cause of your ‘ ˜winter blues. ‘

#1 – Why does it happen?

While doctors are not sure why SAD occurs, there are some theories.

The first is that, as the days get shorter, our circadian rhythm, our bodies internal clock, gets thrown off and we don ‘ t sleep as well and our bodies don ‘ t function optimally. This can lead to depression.

Furthermore, the reduced amount of bright sunlight can drop our levels of serotonin and dopamine which often leads to depression.

For me, when fall arrives I start getting cold. I feel like the work because my body works so hard to stay warm it has a harder time regulating my moods. I can actually feel the change in my body and it can be scary.

SAD is NOT your fault. You aren ‘ t weak because you might be suffering. It is happening because of forces outside of yourself.

#2 – What are the symptoms?

The symptoms of SAD are very similar to that of depression. They include:

  • Feeling sad more often then not
  • Having reduced energy
  • Feeling hopeless
  • Having trouble sleeping
  • Increases or decreases in appetite
  • Suicidal thoughts

SAD is often thought of as a depression that occurs only when winter turns to fall but it also occurs when winter turns into spring. Again, the changes in our bodies ‘ circadian rhythm as the days get longer seem to lead to a shift in our body chemistry.

Symptoms of spring onset SAD are very similar to the fall onset SAD although anxiety is more common. It ‘ s almost like the body is being recharged after a long winter sleep and it has trouble adjusting to the new charge.

For me, spring is by far the worst time, but I am bipolar and, for many of us living with bipolar disorder, spring SAD can bring on feelings of mania. Think the energizer bunny. That ‘ s me.

#3 – What can help?

Fortunately, many cases of SAD can be treated without medication. There are a few things that have been shown to make a big difference in managing SAD depression.

For me, when I feel my fall SAD coming on, I pull out my full spectrum therapy lamp, a lamp that emits natural light that mimics the sun. Authentic sunshine can be very rare in New England and my light box gives me access to it on demand.

Every morning, when I am eating breakfast, I spend time in front of my light box. Even a small amount of time can help raise serotonin and dopamine levels in my body which can really help with my SAD depression.

Another thing that really helped me was when I started taking Vitamin D supplements. Best source of Vitamin D for humans is sunshine and vitamin D fortified milk. Because I don ‘ t drink milk and my sun exposure is limited in the winter, taking Vitamin D helps protect my body from serotonin and dopamine loss. Vitamin D helps keep me from being overwhelmed by my SAD depression.

And finally, the thing that can help every kind of depression, especially SAD, is exercise. Nothing raises the body ‘ s levels of serotonin more than exercise (except for maybe sex). So, if you are struggling with SAD, getting off the couch and out for a walk is the best thing that you can do.

#4 – The holidays can make things worse.

For many people, the holiday season is a very difficult time. For people struggling with SAD, it can be even harder.

The reason that the holidays are so much harder is that women living with SAD are already struggling with sadness and succumbing to the pressures and expectations of the holidays is way more likely.

So, if you are already working hard to manage your SAD, make an effort to take care of yourself during the holiday season.

For me, this year I was invited to my father ‘ s house for Thanksgiving. As much as I wanted to see my dad I knew that my stepmother would go out of her way to make my life miserable, as she always does. And I knew that if I put myself through that my SAD could very easily get worse.

So, I am staying home for Thanksgiving. And going to Mexico for Christmas for a little sunshine to get me through the long New England winter.

What can you do to make your holidays just a little bit easier?

#5 – Asking for help isn ‘ t weakness.

While there are natural ways to treat SAD, for some women, they just don ‘ t work.

If you find that your SAD depression is getting the way of you living your life, if it is interfering with your work or your relationships, I strongly encourage you to seek treatment.

Make an appointment with your PCP immediately and discuss with her how to best management your SAD depression.

The good news is is that SAD often passes as the winter and summer become the norm so chemical management of the depression might be short lived.

SAD is not something to be taken lightly. Feeling depressedcan have debilitating effects on your work and your life

Fortunately, SAD is fairly easy to diagnose and treat. Take a look at the list above. Is this you? Awareness is a key step to figuring out what is going on with your moods and getting better.

You can do it! You will be glad you did.

Are you really struggling with your SAD depression?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

What You Need To Know About Surviving Long Term Infidelity

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Have you recently discovered that your partner has been having an affair for years and are you wondering if surviving long term infidelity is even possible?

Has your life been totally turned upside down and everything that you thought was true seem not so much?

I am so sorry for you! There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the person you, perhaps, trusted most in the world.

So, what are the keys to surviving long term infidelity? Let me tell you ‘ ¦

#1 -Don ‘ t make any rash decisions.

Ok, so you are PISSED!!! Your man has been stepping out on you and deceiving you for years! You feel betrayed and you want him GONE!

May I suggest that you pause for a bit before you take any rash steps? What happens next is very important and you don ‘ t want to do anything that might jeopardize your future.

The few things to consider are your kids, your finances, your mental health and what the future might look like. To that end, afew examples of things that might NOT be good to do:

  1. Move out of the house – you want to stay in it in case of divorce – leaving it might cause you to lose it.
  2. Tell your kids. Yes, you are mad and want to hurt him but is telling them a good way to do it? It might harm their health, long term.
  3. Be reckless with cash. For many of us, spending money is therapy. At this juncture, when the future is unknown, being careful with your money is a good idea.
  4. Stop taking care of yourself. You are going to need to be strong to get through this. Now is not the time to take to your bed with ice cream and vodka.

Before you make any quick decisions, pause and think them through. Future you will be glad you did.

#2 – Don ‘ t lash out at the other woman.

For those of us who have been the victim of long term infidelity, the instinct to blame the other woman is a very strong one. Why? Because it ‘ s very hard for us to blame the person we pledged to have and to hold forever, the father of our children. It is way easier to blame the other woman for being a slut and a homewrecker than to blame the man who you once loved, and still might.

The blame for your man ‘ s infidelity lands fully on his shoulders. He is married, perhaps with children, and he chose to be with another woman, purposely, in spite of his vows. He made a conscious decision to be with this woman, and stay with this woman, for a long time. It ‘ s all on him.

It is also important that you don ‘ t actually reach out to this woman. You might be looking for answers. You might want to see what she looks like. You might need to do some yelling. DON ‘ T DO IT!

It ‘ s important that, in this time that you have been betrayed, you work hard to maintain your dignity. You are going to feel bad about your life for a while and maintaining your dignity will help you get through it.

Rise above their disgraceful behavior and be a strong woman.

#3 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

A very interesting fact about surviving long term infidelity is that, more often or not, women who are betrayed blame themselves for the betrayal.

If only I had been nicer or prettier or smarter perhaps he wouldn ‘ t have needed to fool around on me. Or What did I do to deserve being treated this way? OR I must really be a terrible person if my husband would choose to be with someone else. Or I really am a loser.

The most important thing for you to realize is that this ISN ‘ T YOUR FAULT! Yes, affairs don ‘ t happen in a void and there are often some issues in the marriage of someone who strays. But you didn ‘ t stray. You stayed in your marriage, faithful, in spite of those issues. Your spouse did not.

Your spouse is the one who made the decision so be unfaithful to you and it ‘ s all on him.

#4 – Don ‘ t go through this alone.

Women who find out that their husband has been unfaithful often find that they are ashamed of what has happened, that their husband’s affair is a reflection on themselves and it’s their failure. As a result, they don ‘ t want to admit to anyone the truth about what is going on.

It is VERY important that you don ‘ t carry this burden alone, that you find someone to confide in, someone who can help you process what has happened.

Do you have a friend or a sister who would want to support you? Perhaps a therapist or a life coach? There are also support groups for women living with infidelity. They can be especially helpful because you connect with people who have shared experience and truly understand what you are going through.

Whoever you turn to, turn to someone. What has happened to you is too huge too carry alone. Reach out for help. You will be glad you did.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up.

I know that right now you feel like your life is over. That everything you thought to be true is, in fact, a lie. And you wonder how you will ever be able to get your life back, to be happy, to find love again. All of that seems so daunting that all you want to do is get in bed and pull your covers over your head.

Let me tell you – DON ‘ T GIVE UP! I have been through this and, while there were definitely days that were very dark, my life now is very much worth living.

So, make an effort to take care of yourself – eat, sleep and exercise. Get support from your loved ones. Get professional help if necessary. Do whatever it takes to stay strong and healthy so that you can get through this with your mental and physical health intact.

You CAN DO IT! I promise!

Surviving long term infidelity might seem completely daunting to you at this moment in your life. And I get it. What has happened is horrible.

But you can get through it! Don ‘ t make any rash decision or make any snap judgements about the other woman. Definitely don ‘ t blame yourself. Get help and don ‘ t give up.

Every year thousands of women survive upon learning that their partner was unfaithful. You can too!

Are you really struggling with your spouse’s infidelity?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before the burden is too much to bear.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Deal With Feeling Overwhelmed With Tasks

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You know those horrible, and far too regular, days when you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks?

Those days when everyone and everything is demanding so much from you that you really don ‘ t think that you can take it anymore. Those days when it feels like your head is going to explode.

Let me help you manage the overwhelm. IT IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

When we are stressed out, the first thing that we do is we stopbreathing. Well, not literally stop breathing, because then we would die. But we do unconsciously hold our breath because of increased tension in the muscles used for breathing.

When you are feeling overwhelmed remember to breathe. Deep breaths into your belly in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Put your hand over your belly so that you can feel it filling up with air. Do this over and over until you feel a little calmer. Repeat throughout the day as necessary.

It will help you A LOT. I promise.

#2 – Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone.

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

#3 – Identify what is causing the overwhelm.

One of the reasons it’s hard to think straight when you feel overwhelmed with tasks is that you don’t understand what isspecifically overwhelmingyou.

The first step to getting past being overwhelmed with tasks is to identify what specifically is overwhelming you. To do so, make a list of your tasks.

One of the reasons overwhelm occurs is because we know that we have a lot to do but we don ‘ t know exactly what needs to be done and that is overwhelming in and of itself. Once you have a list made of everything you have to do, once it’s laid out on paper, you will have a much clearer vision of what you need to do.

For one of my clients, just knowing what she had to do helped reduce her overwhelm significantly.

#4 – Make a plan.

Once you have made your list, it is time to make aplan. Without a plan, the overwhelm usually doesn ‘ t just disappear. In fact, it can get worse because know you have your list and no way to attack it.

Once my client had created a list then I had her review the list and make another list, this one listing her tasks by priority. Things that needed to be done soon were at the top of the list and things that could be put off were put lower down on the list.

Then, once she knew what her priorities were, it was time to build her calendar.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night we made a calendar for her for the week. On it, in red, were the things that she HAD to do. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her checkbook, cleaning out closets, making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency came up and she wasn ‘ t able do a red item then she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn ‘ t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but they could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black were things that tended to get done because they were last minute and she was able to get them done because that ‘ s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would be checking up on her so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks but using her calendar really allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized that she wanted to keep doing this, on her own, because she liked how she felt and she didn ‘ t want to let herself down. So, she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find accountability.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don ‘ t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you but more often than not those people will lean towards supporting you, to listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track, both for productivity ‘ s sake and for building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is because of it ‘ s effect on your self-esteem. My clients are always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done, they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

#6 – Get some help.

We all need help but we hesitate to reach out for it. I would argue that asking for help is the best way to help reduce feeling overwhelmed with tasks.

Can you hire a housekeeper every other week? An accountant to manage your money? A nanny to give you some hours off? If you can afford to do so, DO! I know it seems like an expensive investment but I can promise you that it ‘ s far cheaper than therapy if you have a breakdown.

So, consider investing in some professional help. If you can ‘ t afford help, find a friend who is a good organizer and barter for her time. Perhaps you can take care of her kids, or bake some cookies or help her finish her work project.

Whatever you need to do, get some help. You will be glad you did!

So, now you know. When you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks there are ways to get past it and get past it quickly.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed get outside and go for a walk, even if it ‘ s just for 20 minutes. Breathe deeply as you stride. You will see that your overwhelm reduces significantly right away.

As you walk, consider what is overwhelming you so that you can make a list and then make a plan to fix it. And then make it happen. Your life coach can hold you accountable if needs be.

And don ‘ t hesitate to ask for help if you need it. We all do sometimes.

Manage your feeling overwhelmed with tasks. Don ‘ t let it manage you. You can do it!

Are you feeling completely overwhelmed with tasks?

Let me help you learn some tools, NOW, before the overwhelm gets worse!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How I Use CBT When I Am Feeling Depressed

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My life changed when I started using CBT when I am feeling depressed.

Until I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), my depression always controlled me but once I started applying CBT principles to my life when I was depressed I was able to control it.

Psychology Today defines CBT as a type of psychotherapy in which patients reframe negative thinking patterns into positive thoughts.

Before starting CBT, I had only used talk therapy as a means to try to deal with my depression, to little success. CBT worked and worked almost immediately.

Let me tell you how CBT works for me.

#1 – I define the source of my negativity.

For me, some days I just wake up depressed. Nothing specific has happened, my chemicals are just off. I use principles 4 and 5 below, positive self-talk and personal coping skills, to help me during those time. I remind myself that I am not a horrible person or a loser but that the depression is making me feel that way. And, while the Pad Thai might not cure my depression, it certainly makes me feel better for a while.

Some days, my depression is the result of something that is happening around me. And when that happens, I use CBT to help me manage it.

As an example, my ex-husband has a habit of not responding to my emails and texts. This drives me bonkers! I only reach out to him when absolutely necessary and that he doesn ‘ t respond to me in a timely manner can bring me way down.

For many years, not hearing back from my ex would plunge me into a dark depression, one that was hard to pull out of.

#2 – I become aware of what the negativity brings up.

For many years, when my ex wouldn ‘ t respond to my communications, I took it personally. I felt like, because he wasn ‘ t communicating, he had no respect for me. He, who was my husband for 20 years, no longer thought enough of me to respond to my missives in a respectful, timely way.

I would obsess about the absence of the response. I would check my phone constantly, hoping that he had gotten back to me. I would compose long, scathing emails, ripping him apart for being so insensitive and disrespectful.

Because I was angry at him, other things, things that normally wouldn ‘ t bother me, would start getting to me. I would be unable to work or be otherwise productive. I would take to my bed, feeling shitty about myself.

The combination of these things, like an eddy in a roaring river, would pull me down into a deep dark depression, one that was hard to crawl out of.

Once I started using CBT, I was able to identify the emotions and thoughts that occurred when I my ex didn ‘ t communicate. I recognized that I was taking it personally, that I was hurt and that I felt disrespected. That I was no longer important enough to the father of my children to merit his attention.

I am a big believer that with awareness comes the ability to manage. CBT supports that belief of mine in a big way.

#3 – I reframe my negative thought patterns.

Once I became aware of what thoughts and emotions had developed because my ex wasn ‘ t communicating with me, I started making an effort to reframe them. To think of them in a way that didn ‘ t cause me pain.

The first thing I did was to recognize that my ex had never been great at getting back to me in a timely manner. He has always been very busy at work and he struggled to manage things as well as he could. As a result, he wouldn ‘ t get back to me, even when we were married, so why would he change his behavior now that we were divorced.

Understanding this led me to realize that taking his lack of communication personally was ridiculous. He wasn ‘ t getting back to me because of a lack of respect but purely because he was busy. I also recognized that many of the times that he didn ‘ t get back to me had to do with money and money conversations are hard even for those who live in the same house.

By not taking his behaviors personally, by being able to look at them realistically instead of emotionally, I was able to reduce their power. I was able to shut them down before they brought me down into depression.

#4 – I practice positive self-talk.

Another part of managing my depression around my ex with CBT was by using positive self- talk.

I would remind myself how good I was at juggling multiple balls at once, something my ex really struggled with. I would remember that while my ex-husband, who walked out on me for someone else, might no longer respect me, I respected myself and knew that I had the respect of many other people. I reminded myself that I made a difference in the life of many people every day. I was an awesome person, whether my ex got back to me or not.

It is truly amazing how telling myself positive things about myself instead of ruminating about all the negative things that I, inaccurately, had associated with my ex ‘ s absence of communication helped keep me from sinking into depression.

I was able to move past what happened fairly quickly and get on with my day. How great is that?

#5 – I develop personal coping mechanisms.

The final part of using CBT when I was feeling depressed was to create and practice personal coping mechanisms.

A few years back, when I was feeling really good, I made a list of things that I knew helped me when depression was settling in. Now, when I feel it coming, I refer to that list to help shut the depression down or carry me through it.

What kind of coping skills? Walking, eating pad thai, having sex, hanging out with friends, watching The Walking Dead, hanging with my kids.

All of these things are coping mechanisms, practical things that I can do for myself, to help me feel better when I am struggling in the world. They have made a huge difference for me, helping me get through the bad days.

Using CBT when I am feeling depressed has saved my life.

I also use CBT in many other areas of my life.

I use it when emotions with my siblings get high. I remember that each of us carry with us baggage from our childhood that rears it ‘ s ugly head when we are together, that we all have our issues, both individually and with each other, that I can ‘ t take their behaviors personally and that we will all love each other forever, in spite of what might be occurring.

If someone is rude to me in line at Starbucks I understand that that probably says more about what is happening with that person, like they just had a fight with their wife or are running late to work because of bad traffic, then it does about me. Not taking that rudeness personally but recognizing that it has nothing to do with me, allows me to let it go quickly and not let it bring me down.

Talk to your therapist about bringing the principles of CBT into your life. You will be glad you did!

Are you struggling with depression and in search of tools to help you manage it?
Let me help you learn those tools, NOW, before your depression gets the best of you.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

What Are Healthy Boundaries In Marriage?

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Are you wondering what are healthy boundaries in marriage or in your relationship?

Are you eager to do so but have no idea what healthy relationship boundaries are??

Let me help!

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors. Really, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them. But there are a few boundaries that are essential for every healthy relationship.

#1 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your relationship become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#2 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ tcommunicatingand giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#3 – Don ‘ t lose yourselves.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all womenstay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So be yourself in your relationship. Ahealthy relationshiprequires it.

#4 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#5 – Be flexible.

I have a client who recently bought a house for herself and her boyfriend moved in with her. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy relationship.

So, embrace flexibility. Choose the things that are important to you and stay true to them but be willing to see what might be important to your man and work with him so that you both can live a life that makes you happy. Together and apart.

Examining what are healthy boundaries in marriage is an excellent way to ensure that you have a good strong relationship that will last forever.

Relationships are built from two people who have two separate lives and two separate ways of living. It is important that the couple build a new life together. A new life with four walls that will keep it safe and strong.

So, don ‘ t let one of you be in charge, respect each other, like yourself, spend time apart and be flexible.

Talk to your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your relationship to be a healthy one.

You can do it!

Don’t let a lack of boundaries get in the way of being happily married.
Let me help you define some NOW, before it’s too late.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

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