How to Cope with Feeling Depressed When Going Through A Divorce

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Are you going through a divorce and wondering if you will ever stop feeling depressed, so overwhelmed by everything that is going on?

Divorce is hell – everything that was familiar in your life is changing and it is devastating. Keeping your spirits up for the kids, trying to focus on work and wondering what the hell you are going to cook for dinner just feels like more than you can bear some days.

I get it. I have been there.

But I am also here to tell you that you can and will get through your divorce even if you are feeling depressed. Let me help!

#1 – Nest.

When I was going through a divorce, I met a woman who had been through one the previous year. Because I had never gone through a divorce before, I had no idea how to cope. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had been just been through it.

I had moved out of our family home and had found a rental.  I had left my things at our house so that it would look good when we tried to sell it. My new friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my things and bring them to my new house.

For women, when we are going through a hard time, our surroundings are very important. It has something to do with the nesting instinct that is very primal. Women want their space to be a comforting, happy place. 

So, what did I do? I had my things moved to my rental and I filled our family home with furniture from a house staging company. And did it make a difference? Oh yes, it did. Being surrounded by my furniture, by my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed linens, seeing the little things that I had accumulated over the years on the shelves all gave me such a sense of comfort.  My life was so confusing because of all the change but coming home to my things provided me more comfort than I can even explain.

#2 – Get support.

For many women, going through divorce is very embarrassing. It feels like failure on so many levels. And because it is so, we often try to go with alone. We think we can tough it out and get through it and that we will be just fine.

But the reality is is that we all need support when we go through this very difficult period. We have never been divorced before and we have no idea what we ‘ re doing and it ‘ s very important that we align ourselves with people who are informed and supportive.

What kind of people? For me, my friend who had been through a divorce was a huge source of information and support. She could look back on her divorce and talk to me about her successes and her failures so as I went through my divorce process I knew what to look out for.

I also found myself a therapist who I talked to every week. I really felt like I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn ‘ t want be with me anymore and she was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don ‘ t happen because one person didn ‘ t do something right but that there are two people in marriage and both share responsibility for the good and the bad.

Someone else who really helped me when I was going through my divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went off to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn ‘ t being touched regularly. So, I indulged and got a massage once a week for three months. Having somebody touch me for 60 minutes a week significantly help me get through these very turbulent times.

And, finally, I got myself a lawyer. She was able to walk me through the reality of getting a divorce and what being divorced would look like. And how much it would cost. Information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control of my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward confidently.

#3 – Make a plan for the future.

After talking to my lawyer, I realized that, for the rest of my life, I was going to have to take care of myself. I was scared out of my mind.

I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and all of a sudden I was going to be responsible for taking care of myself financially, for doing my own taxes, for finding healthcare and for figuring out how to fix things that broke in my house. I was very overwhelmed and didn ‘ t know how I was going to handle it.

So I started to think about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that, while being alone was scary, it was also give me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I could live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that really helped me cope with feeling depressed because for 20 years I had been unhappy and I knew that now I was in charge of fixing my unhappiness.

Next, I made plan. I came up with a list of things that I was going to need to consider for my future and I came up with a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to help me with my taxes. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn ‘ t take care of myself.

Lastly, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were so I knew what kind of money I was going to need going forward to survive. Armed with that knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony that I would need to get myself back on my feet.

Making a plan, having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going manage, really helped me to cope with my feeling depressed while going through my divorce.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

Fortunately for me, when I was going through my divorce, I didn ‘ t drink. While I hadn ‘ t been much of a drinker for the previous 20 years, I have to admit that the inclination to drink a bottle wine on a lonely night at home was often very attractive. I am glad i didn’t though. I think had I indulged in a bottle of wine I might ‘ ve struggled more with figuring out what I needed to do to move forward.

Instead of drinking wine I did yoga. I did yoga every single day. When my brain started running out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back.  When I started feeling like I was not going to survive, I used yoga to make my body feel stronger.

I also made a big effort to spend a lot of time in the sunshine because it’s warmth made me feel healthy and strong and the Vitamin D from the sun helped alleviate my depression.

And, of course, I ate well, as well as I could at least, and made a big effort to get enough sleep.

I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and my body strong really helped me get through this divorce intact and helped alleviate my pain when I was feeling depressed.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up!

Perhaps you ‘ re reading this article because you are feeling like you might be at the end of your rope. Perhaps you ‘ re feeling that, because the life that you once led is over, there ‘ s no reason for you to go on. Your future looks hopeless and you will never be happy again.

I can promise you this is not true. I know you might not believe it right now because from where you sit things look pretty shitty but I can promise you that the view from the other side is a rosy one. 

Since I ‘ ve been divorced, I have moved to New York City from New England, I have started my own business, I have dated a bunch of wonderful men, I have a whole crew of new friends, I have a great relationship with my kids and a really huge sense of my own self-worth. The few years after my divorce were definitely a struggle but in the years since I ‘ ve learned more about myself than I learned in the previous 46 and I know now who I am, I know what I want and I ‘ m not afraid to get it.

So, know that your hopelessness is because of your depression and that your future is not hopeless. This is the beginning of the rest of your life.

Learning how to cope when you ‘ re feeling depressed because you ‘ re going through a divorce is an important part of successfully getting through it all.

I know right now it doesn ‘ t seem like you ever will be happy again but you will!

Make sure that you are surrounded by the things that make you happy, reach out to get support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself and don ‘ t ever give up.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really be struggling with your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How I Used CBT to Mend a Broken Heart

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There is nothing worse than trying to mend a broken heart. Nothing!

The intense feelings of sadness and loss. Of losing someone to do things with. The belief that you will never find love again. The questioning whether you made a mistake.

There are a lot of emotions that are difficult to process. So, what do we do? We eat ice cream and drink wine and watch a lot of Netflix, hoping that the pain will pass.

There is something that can help you mend your broken heart quicker and in a healthier way. Using Cognitive Behavorial Therapy (CBT) is the key.

Psychology Today defines CBT as a type of psychotherapy in which patients reframe negative thinking patterns into positive thoughts.

Let me explain how you can use CBT to process your broken heart.

#1 – Identify your feelings.

For each of us, our broken heart manifests itself with different feelings. The feelings are often the result of how the break-up occurred.

For me, when I broke up with my last boyfriend I was incredibly sad because I loved him madly but he couldn ‘ t give me what I wanted. I was also disappointed and angry that what I hoped would be wasn ‘ t.

When my husband left me for another woman, my feelings were completely different. I was mourning the loss of our family, I was furious that he had left me behind, I was scared because I would have to start finding my way financially and I felt completely disrespected that I could be replaced so quickly.

So, you see the difference between the two broken hearts?

The first step using CBT to cure your broken heart is to identify what feelings you are feeling. Are you sad, mad, disappointed, scared? Once you know what feelings you have you can more easily deal with them.

#2 – Recognize your emotions.

So, let ‘ s take you one step further into your feelings. That step is to identify what happens to you as a result of the feelings?

Ok, so, I was sad and disappointed when I had to break up with my boyfriend. With CBT I looked at what those feelings brought up.

My boyfriend had been in the process of a divorce. He made me many promises about his intentions around that divorcethat were broken. He stopped being intimate with me and never made me a priority. So, I broke up with him and I was sad. But there was more to it than that.

Not only was I sad but my self-esteem was at rock bottom. I focused on how stupid I had been to let him lead me on for so long. I felt sorry for myself that he didn ‘ t make me a priority. I felt that I wasn ‘ t good enough if he wasn ‘ t willing to try harder to be with me. So, my feelings, my sadness, I realized, were more about being focused on what a loser I was.

I mean, how could ever find love again if I was such a loser?

And, so, I suffered, feeling shitty about myself and my future prospects. I recognized that the sadness was really a cover for the lack of self-worth that was really the problem.

So, take a look at the emotions that you are feeling about the feelings that you have. Are they what they seem to be? Dig a little deeper.

#3 – Reframe the negativity.

So, there I was, feeling rock bottom horrible about myself and not sure where to go from there.

CBT gave me some tools to work with in that it showed me how to reframe my negative thoughts about myself.

Instead of feeling bad about myself for letting him lead me on for so long, I worked to commend myself for having the strength to finally walk away. I recognized that not making me a priority was not because of me but because of how crazy his life was during the divorce. I also saw that HIS self-esteem was really low and that he probably didn ‘ t feel good enough for ME so he pushed me away.

By reframing my negative thoughts, the thoughts that were dragging me down, I started to see that what happened wasn ‘ t all my fault. Yes, I had spent more time waiting for him than was perhaps wise, but I DID get out. His lack of attention wasn ‘ t because of ME but because of his life circumstances. And that, perhaps, I wasn ‘ t such a loser and that another love might be out there for me!

#4 – Be easy on yourself.

I have never, ever met a woman going through a break up who didn ‘ t blame herself for the whole thing. Either her man was happy to put the blame on her or she took it all on herself, unwittingly. Either way, blame for the end of a relationship is a heavy load to bear.

Whether you broke up with your guy or he with you, know that you are NOT entirely to blame. There are two people in every relationship and nothing happens in a void. Even if you fooled around on your guy and he broke up with you, something about your relationship with him was struggling or you wouldn ‘ t have fooled around.

So, be easy on yourself. It wasn ‘ t all your fault so don ‘ t let him, or you, carry the load all by yourself. You will be amazed at how much lighter your feelings are if you can truly accept that it that break-up wasn ‘ t all on you.

#5 – Take action.

Once I had processed my feelings and my emotions, I had identified my sadness and the lack of self-esteem that had resulted from the break up, I was able to see my future more clearly and start taking some steps to get on with my life.

The first thing that I was did was I blocked my guy on social media and put every momento of him that I had in a box. My guy, who I did still love, was part of my past and not my future.

I went back on Match and Bumble and started to date. And, yes, it wasn ‘ t much fun at first but it was very distracting.

I made a huge effort to plan doing things. I hiked and went to the movies and had dinner with friends. I went to parties (which I hate) and met new people. I shook up the narrow world that I had created while waiting for my guy to get his shit together. I started to have fun again.

And guess what happened! I met another guy. THE guy. And, because I had done my CBT work and processed my emotions and my feelings and built up my self-esteem, I was ready for him. I was ready to try again. And this time it worked!

So, don ‘ t stay home, waiting for your life to start again. Get out there. Make it happen! You can do it!

If you are struggling to mend a broken heart right now, I am so sorry! I wish that I could just lift that pain off you and let you get on with your life.

Unfortunately, I can ‘ t do that, but YOU can!

While it might seem too painful to confront what you are feeling head on, doing so gives you the best chance of a speedy recovery.

So, identify your feelings, focus on your emotions, reframe your negative thoughts, be easy on yourself and take action.

Take your life back. It ‘ s yours, it ‘ s short and it needs to be lived!!!

If you have made it this far you must have a broken heart that needs to be mended ASAP.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can get your life back and find love again!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Compassionate Women Will Change the World. Are You One of Them?

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Today, more than ever, it is becoming clear that women will change the world. Why? Because they feel compassion in a way that men don ‘ t and compassion is the key to changing the world.

Political differences, mass shootings, devastating forest fires and just the general slog of living in the modern world has made the need for compassion even more important.

What is compassion and why do we need it?

Dictionary.com defines compassion as an emotional reaction to witnessing another ‘ s suffering, coupled with the desire to help the person who is in pain.

In this day and age, when people are suffering on both a global and personal level, having someone reach out a hand to help can truly make the difference between life and death.

That ‘ s how important it is.

So, what kind of woman is naturally compassionate?

#1 – Women who are survivors.

Women who are compassionate are, more often than not, women who have struggled with hardship themselves. Who have gone through hell and back and survived.

Why? Because women who have suffered truly understand the suffering of others. Truly, right down to their bones, because they have suffered themselves.

I have a client whose husband left her years ago and her struggle to survive that abandonment was profound. She made it though, after a lot of pain and hard work. And now she is involved with a man who is at the last stages of his divorce from his wife of many years. It is taking a while because his wife doesn ‘ t want the divorce.

Her friends ask her if she is angry that the divorce isn ‘ t moving forward but she isn ‘ t. She has nothing but compassion for this woman because she knows exactly what she is going through. She also knows that she survived it and that this woman will too.

#2 – Women who have self-compassion.

Women who are compassionate, more often than not, have self-compassion.

Why? Because how can someone treat someone compassionately if they have no idea how to treat themselves so?

Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing themselves for their shortcomings, women with self-compassion are kind and understanding to themselves when confronted with personal failings. They understand that they are just like other people, working hard to be the best person that they can be in spite of sometimes insurmountable odds.

Once a person can be truly aware of the humanness of themselves they can more easily recognize and empathize the suffering of another.

After my divorce I self-flagellated constantly. I felt that I was completely at fault for the demise of my marriage and was happy to bear that cross daily. As a result, I was super angry at my ex for leaving me. I resented his new happiness with his new wife and celebrated when his life took a downturn.

In recent years I have come to see that there were two people in that relationship and that we both had blame to share. As I have forgiven myself for my failure in my marriage, I have been more able to have compassion for my ex-husbands actions, to see how his unhappiness led to him making the choice that he did and accepting that it was all for the best.

I know that, without my self-compassion, my ex-husband and I, and our kids, wouldn ‘ t be in the good place that we are today.

#3 – Women who are mindful.

Women who are compassionate are people who are mindful. Women who are mindful are living in the minute, paying attention to those around them and willing to take action when necessary.

How can someone whose head is down, focused on their phone, even notice someone who is suffering? How can someone who is always looking ahead to what is next reach out and help someone who needs them in the minute? How can someone who notices, but doesn ‘ t take action, make the difference in life of someone who needs them?

How about you? When was the last time you looked up from your phone and saw someone suffering? What did you do? Did you quickly look back down at your phone, hoping someone else would help, or did you step up and take action to help that person in need?

Keep your head up. And take action when necessary.

#4 – Women who are generous.

Women who are compassionate are always generous, sometimes to a fault.

Women who are generous seek to give unto others with no need for anything in return.

I have a client whose boyfriend has really been struggling. His mother is sick and his work is going badly and he spends much of his time just trying to keep his mental health above water. My client loves her boyfriend and wants to support him but she was getting sick of getting absolutely nothing in return.

As a result, she started to be resentful of all that she gave to him. She wanted him to acknowledge and reciprocate all that she did for him. And what did that do? It made everything worse for her man because now he had to be responsible to his girlfriend for her happiness too.

If someone you love needs you right now, be generous with your time and your love. Don ‘ t expect anything in return. Help them get through this tough time without having to worry about you. You never know when in the future you might need their compassion too.

#5 – Women who are grateful.

Women who are compassionate are grateful.

Women who are compassionate know how they lucky they are to have the life that they have. They recognize the gift that is their life and how lucky they are to have it.

Because they are grateful they can help people who are struggling see the good in the world, to recognize the gifts that they have and teach them to reach for the happiness they want. They have a clear picture of what contentment looks like and can guide a needy someone towards that light.

Women who take their life for granted, who seek additional adulation and riches, who don ‘ t recognize how lucky they are to have what they have, are people who aren ‘ t likely to see the good in the world and will struggle to identify and empathize with people because for them the world is all about needing more.

I know that every day I wake up in my beautiful house, laugh at my silly dog and celebrate having found the love of my life. I know that I am supremely lucky and it helps me be the truly compassionate life coach that I am.

So, look around. How lucky are you?

If you look around this world full of conflict and hatred and you are wondering what you can do to make a difference, I would suggest that cultivating compassion would be a gift to everyone. Because women who cultivate compassion will save the world.

Next time you see someone who is struggling, step forward and reach out your hand. Recognize that suffering is the human condition but that in it there is the hope for joy and acceptance. Be grateful for all that you have and share what you have with others.

If you can make the difference in the life of even one person, what a gift that will be!

Do you want to cultivate compassion and change the world?

Let me help you, NOW, and you can start making a difference today!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed? It Could Be SAD.

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Do you find that as the days are getting shorter and the temperatures are falling you are feeling depressed and having to work hard to keep yourself from surrendering to debilitating sadness?

Are you wondering what the hell is going on because normally you are just fine?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is something that affects millions of women each year, women who ordinarily don ‘ t live with depression. SAD seems to affect women more than men and young women more than older women but It can happen to anyone.

SAD is a type of depression that occurs with the change of the seasons. If you are feeling depressed these days, SAD might be the cause.

Let me tell you a little bit about SAD and you can see if it might be the cause of your ‘ ˜winter blues. ‘

#1 – Why does it happen?

While doctors are not sure why SAD occurs, there are some theories.

The first is that, as the days get shorter, our circadian rhythm, our bodies internal clock, gets thrown off and we don ‘ t sleep as well and our bodies don ‘ t function optimally. This can lead to depression.

Furthermore, the reduced amount of bright sunlight can drop our levels of serotonin and dopamine which often leads to depression.

For me, when fall arrives I start getting cold. I feel like the work because my body works so hard to stay warm it has a harder time regulating my moods. I can actually feel the change in my body and it can be scary.

SAD is NOT your fault. You aren ‘ t weak because you might be suffering. It is happening because of forces outside of yourself.

#2 – What are the symptoms?

The symptoms of SAD are very similar to that of depression. They include:

  • Feeling sad more often then not
  • Having reduced energy
  • Feeling hopeless
  • Having trouble sleeping
  • Increases or decreases in appetite
  • Suicidal thoughts

SAD is often thought of as a depression that occurs only when winter turns to fall but it also occurs when winter turns into spring. Again, the changes in our bodies ‘ circadian rhythm as the days get longer seem to lead to a shift in our body chemistry.

Symptoms of spring onset SAD are very similar to the fall onset SAD although anxiety is more common. It ‘ s almost like the body is being recharged after a long winter sleep and it has trouble adjusting to the new charge.

For me, spring is by far the worst time, but I am bipolar and, for many of us living with bipolar disorder, spring SAD can bring on feelings of mania. Think the energizer bunny. That ‘ s me.

#3 – What can help?

Fortunately, many cases of SAD can be treated without medication. There are a few things that have been shown to make a big difference in managing SAD depression.

For me, when I feel my fall SAD coming on, I pull out my full spectrum therapy lamp, a lamp that emits natural light that mimics the sun. Authentic sunshine can be very rare in New England and my light box gives me access to it on demand.

Every morning, when I am eating breakfast, I spend time in front of my light box. Even a small amount of time can help raise serotonin and dopamine levels in my body which can really help with my SAD depression.

Another thing that really helped me was when I started taking Vitamin D supplements. Best source of Vitamin D for humans is sunshine and vitamin D fortified milk. Because I don ‘ t drink milk and my sun exposure is limited in the winter, taking Vitamin D helps protect my body from serotonin and dopamine loss. Vitamin D helps keep me from being overwhelmed by my SAD depression.

And finally, the thing that can help every kind of depression, especially SAD, is exercise. Nothing raises the body ‘ s levels of serotonin more than exercise (except for maybe sex). So, if you are struggling with SAD, getting off the couch and out for a walk is the best thing that you can do.

#4 – The holidays can make things worse.

For many people, the holiday season is a very difficult time. For people struggling with SAD, it can be even harder.

The reason that the holidays are so much harder is that women living with SAD are already struggling with sadness and succumbing to the pressures and expectations of the holidays is way more likely.

So, if you are already working hard to manage your SAD, make an effort to take care of yourself during the holiday season.

For me, this year I was invited to my father ‘ s house for Thanksgiving. As much as I wanted to see my dad I knew that my stepmother would go out of her way to make my life miserable, as she always does. And I knew that if I put myself through that my SAD could very easily get worse.

So, I am staying home for Thanksgiving. And going to Mexico for Christmas for a little sunshine to get me through the long New England winter.

What can you do to make your holidays just a little bit easier?

#5 – Asking for help isn ‘ t weakness.

While there are natural ways to treat SAD, for some women, they just don ‘ t work.

If you find that your SAD depression is getting the way of you living your life, if it is interfering with your work or your relationships, I strongly encourage you to seek treatment.

Make an appointment with your PCP immediately and discuss with her how to best management your SAD depression.

The good news is is that SAD often passes as the winter and summer become the norm so chemical management of the depression might be short lived.

SAD is not something to be taken lightly. Feeling depressedcan have debilitating effects on your work and your life

Fortunately, SAD is fairly easy to diagnose and treat. Take a look at the list above. Is this you? Awareness is a key step to figuring out what is going on with your moods and getting better.

You can do it! You will be glad you did.

Are you really struggling with your SAD depression?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

What You Need To Know About Surviving Long Term Infidelity

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Have you recently discovered that your partner has been having an affair for years and are you wondering if surviving long term infidelity is even possible?

Has your life been totally turned upside down and everything that you thought was true seem not so much?

I am so sorry for you! There is nothing worse than feeling betrayed by the person you, perhaps, trusted most in the world.

So, what are the keys to surviving long term infidelity? Let me tell you ‘ ¦

#1 -Don ‘ t make any rash decisions.

Ok, so you are PISSED!!! Your man has been stepping out on you and deceiving you for years! You feel betrayed and you want him GONE!

May I suggest that you pause for a bit before you take any rash steps? What happens next is very important and you don ‘ t want to do anything that might jeopardize your future.

The few things to consider are your kids, your finances, your mental health and what the future might look like. To that end, afew examples of things that might NOT be good to do:

  1. Move out of the house – you want to stay in it in case of divorce – leaving it might cause you to lose it.
  2. Tell your kids. Yes, you are mad and want to hurt him but is telling them a good way to do it? It might harm their health, long term.
  3. Be reckless with cash. For many of us, spending money is therapy. At this juncture, when the future is unknown, being careful with your money is a good idea.
  4. Stop taking care of yourself. You are going to need to be strong to get through this. Now is not the time to take to your bed with ice cream and vodka.

Before you make any quick decisions, pause and think them through. Future you will be glad you did.

#2 – Don ‘ t lash out at the other woman.

For those of us who have been the victim of long term infidelity, the instinct to blame the other woman is a very strong one. Why? Because it ‘ s very hard for us to blame the person we pledged to have and to hold forever, the father of our children. It is way easier to blame the other woman for being a slut and a homewrecker than to blame the man who you once loved, and still might.

The blame for your man ‘ s infidelity lands fully on his shoulders. He is married, perhaps with children, and he chose to be with another woman, purposely, in spite of his vows. He made a conscious decision to be with this woman, and stay with this woman, for a long time. It ‘ s all on him.

It is also important that you don ‘ t actually reach out to this woman. You might be looking for answers. You might want to see what she looks like. You might need to do some yelling. DON ‘ T DO IT!

It ‘ s important that, in this time that you have been betrayed, you work hard to maintain your dignity. You are going to feel bad about your life for a while and maintaining your dignity will help you get through it.

Rise above their disgraceful behavior and be a strong woman.

#3 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

A very interesting fact about surviving long term infidelity is that, more often or not, women who are betrayed blame themselves for the betrayal.

If only I had been nicer or prettier or smarter perhaps he wouldn ‘ t have needed to fool around on me. Or What did I do to deserve being treated this way? OR I must really be a terrible person if my husband would choose to be with someone else. Or I really am a loser.

The most important thing for you to realize is that this ISN ‘ T YOUR FAULT! Yes, affairs don ‘ t happen in a void and there are often some issues in the marriage of someone who strays. But you didn ‘ t stray. You stayed in your marriage, faithful, in spite of those issues. Your spouse did not.

Your spouse is the one who made the decision so be unfaithful to you and it ‘ s all on him.

#4 – Don ‘ t go through this alone.

Women who find out that their husband has been unfaithful often find that they are ashamed of what has happened, that their husband’s affair is a reflection on themselves and it’s their failure. As a result, they don ‘ t want to admit to anyone the truth about what is going on.

It is VERY important that you don ‘ t carry this burden alone, that you find someone to confide in, someone who can help you process what has happened.

Do you have a friend or a sister who would want to support you? Perhaps a therapist or a life coach? There are also support groups for women living with infidelity. They can be especially helpful because you connect with people who have shared experience and truly understand what you are going through.

Whoever you turn to, turn to someone. What has happened to you is too huge too carry alone. Reach out for help. You will be glad you did.

#5 – Don ‘ t give up.

I know that right now you feel like your life is over. That everything you thought to be true is, in fact, a lie. And you wonder how you will ever be able to get your life back, to be happy, to find love again. All of that seems so daunting that all you want to do is get in bed and pull your covers over your head.

Let me tell you – DON ‘ T GIVE UP! I have been through this and, while there were definitely days that were very dark, my life now is very much worth living.

So, make an effort to take care of yourself – eat, sleep and exercise. Get support from your loved ones. Get professional help if necessary. Do whatever it takes to stay strong and healthy so that you can get through this with your mental and physical health intact.

You CAN DO IT! I promise!

Surviving long term infidelity might seem completely daunting to you at this moment in your life. And I get it. What has happened is horrible.

But you can get through it! Don ‘ t make any rash decision or make any snap judgements about the other woman. Definitely don ‘ t blame yourself. Get help and don ‘ t give up.

Every year thousands of women survive upon learning that their partner was unfaithful. You can too!

Are you really struggling with your spouse’s infidelity?

Let me help you cope with it, NOW, before the burden is too much to bear.

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Deal With Feeling Overwhelmed With Tasks

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You know those horrible, and far too regular, days when you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks?

Those days when everyone and everything is demanding so much from you that you really don ‘ t think that you can take it anymore. Those days when it feels like your head is going to explode.

Let me help you manage the overwhelm. IT IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

When we are stressed out, the first thing that we do is we stopbreathing. Well, not literally stop breathing, because then we would die. But we do unconsciously hold our breath because of increased tension in the muscles used for breathing.

When you are feeling overwhelmed remember to breathe. Deep breaths into your belly in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Put your hand over your belly so that you can feel it filling up with air. Do this over and over until you feel a little calmer. Repeat throughout the day as necessary.

It will help you A LOT. I promise.

#2 – Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone.

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

#3 – Identify what is causing the overwhelm.

One of the reasons it’s hard to think straight when you feel overwhelmed with tasks is that you don’t understand what isspecifically overwhelmingyou.

The first step to getting past being overwhelmed with tasks is to identify what specifically is overwhelming you. To do so, make a list of your tasks.

One of the reasons overwhelm occurs is because we know that we have a lot to do but we don ‘ t know exactly what needs to be done and that is overwhelming in and of itself. Once you have a list made of everything you have to do, once it’s laid out on paper, you will have a much clearer vision of what you need to do.

For one of my clients, just knowing what she had to do helped reduce her overwhelm significantly.

#4 – Make a plan.

Once you have made your list, it is time to make aplan. Without a plan, the overwhelm usually doesn ‘ t just disappear. In fact, it can get worse because know you have your list and no way to attack it.

Once my client had created a list then I had her review the list and make another list, this one listing her tasks by priority. Things that needed to be done soon were at the top of the list and things that could be put off were put lower down on the list.

Then, once she knew what her priorities were, it was time to build her calendar.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night we made a calendar for her for the week. On it, in red, were the things that she HAD to do. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her checkbook, cleaning out closets, making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency came up and she wasn ‘ t able do a red item then she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn ‘ t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but they could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black were things that tended to get done because they were last minute and she was able to get them done because that ‘ s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would be checking up on her so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks but using her calendar really allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized that she wanted to keep doing this, on her own, because she liked how she felt and she didn ‘ t want to let herself down. So, she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find accountability.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don ‘ t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you but more often than not those people will lean towards supporting you, to listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track, both for productivity ‘ s sake and for building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is because of it ‘ s effect on your self-esteem. My clients are always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done, they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

#6 – Get some help.

We all need help but we hesitate to reach out for it. I would argue that asking for help is the best way to help reduce feeling overwhelmed with tasks.

Can you hire a housekeeper every other week? An accountant to manage your money? A nanny to give you some hours off? If you can afford to do so, DO! I know it seems like an expensive investment but I can promise you that it ‘ s far cheaper than therapy if you have a breakdown.

So, consider investing in some professional help. If you can ‘ t afford help, find a friend who is a good organizer and barter for her time. Perhaps you can take care of her kids, or bake some cookies or help her finish her work project.

Whatever you need to do, get some help. You will be glad you did!

So, now you know. When you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks there are ways to get past it and get past it quickly.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed get outside and go for a walk, even if it ‘ s just for 20 minutes. Breathe deeply as you stride. You will see that your overwhelm reduces significantly right away.

As you walk, consider what is overwhelming you so that you can make a list and then make a plan to fix it. And then make it happen. Your life coach can hold you accountable if needs be.

And don ‘ t hesitate to ask for help if you need it. We all do sometimes.

Manage your feeling overwhelmed with tasks. Don ‘ t let it manage you. You can do it!

Are you feeling completely overwhelmed with tasks?

Let me help you learn some tools, NOW, before the overwhelm gets worse!

Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How I Use CBT When I Am Feeling Depressed

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My life changed when I started using CBT when I am feeling depressed.

Until I discovered Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), my depression always controlled me but once I started applying CBT principles to my life when I was depressed I was able to control it.

Psychology Today defines CBT as a type of psychotherapy in which patients reframe negative thinking patterns into positive thoughts.

Before starting CBT, I had only used talk therapy as a means to try to deal with my depression, to little success. CBT worked and worked almost immediately.

Let me tell you how CBT works for me.

#1 – I define the source of my negativity.

For me, some days I just wake up depressed. Nothing specific has happened, my chemicals are just off. I use principles 4 and 5 below, positive self-talk and personal coping skills, to help me during those time. I remind myself that I am not a horrible person or a loser but that the depression is making me feel that way. And, while the Pad Thai might not cure my depression, it certainly makes me feel better for a while.

Some days, my depression is the result of something that is happening around me. And when that happens, I use CBT to help me manage it.

As an example, my ex-husband has a habit of not responding to my emails and texts. This drives me bonkers! I only reach out to him when absolutely necessary and that he doesn ‘ t respond to me in a timely manner can bring me way down.

For many years, not hearing back from my ex would plunge me into a dark depression, one that was hard to pull out of.

#2 – I become aware of what the negativity brings up.

For many years, when my ex wouldn ‘ t respond to my communications, I took it personally. I felt like, because he wasn ‘ t communicating, he had no respect for me. He, who was my husband for 20 years, no longer thought enough of me to respond to my missives in a respectful, timely way.

I would obsess about the absence of the response. I would check my phone constantly, hoping that he had gotten back to me. I would compose long, scathing emails, ripping him apart for being so insensitive and disrespectful.

Because I was angry at him, other things, things that normally wouldn ‘ t bother me, would start getting to me. I would be unable to work or be otherwise productive. I would take to my bed, feeling shitty about myself.

The combination of these things, like an eddy in a roaring river, would pull me down into a deep dark depression, one that was hard to crawl out of.

Once I started using CBT, I was able to identify the emotions and thoughts that occurred when I my ex didn ‘ t communicate. I recognized that I was taking it personally, that I was hurt and that I felt disrespected. That I was no longer important enough to the father of my children to merit his attention.

I am a big believer that with awareness comes the ability to manage. CBT supports that belief of mine in a big way.

#3 – I reframe my negative thought patterns.

Once I became aware of what thoughts and emotions had developed because my ex wasn ‘ t communicating with me, I started making an effort to reframe them. To think of them in a way that didn ‘ t cause me pain.

The first thing I did was to recognize that my ex had never been great at getting back to me in a timely manner. He has always been very busy at work and he struggled to manage things as well as he could. As a result, he wouldn ‘ t get back to me, even when we were married, so why would he change his behavior now that we were divorced.

Understanding this led me to realize that taking his lack of communication personally was ridiculous. He wasn ‘ t getting back to me because of a lack of respect but purely because he was busy. I also recognized that many of the times that he didn ‘ t get back to me had to do with money and money conversations are hard even for those who live in the same house.

By not taking his behaviors personally, by being able to look at them realistically instead of emotionally, I was able to reduce their power. I was able to shut them down before they brought me down into depression.

#4 – I practice positive self-talk.

Another part of managing my depression around my ex with CBT was by using positive self- talk.

I would remind myself how good I was at juggling multiple balls at once, something my ex really struggled with. I would remember that while my ex-husband, who walked out on me for someone else, might no longer respect me, I respected myself and knew that I had the respect of many other people. I reminded myself that I made a difference in the life of many people every day. I was an awesome person, whether my ex got back to me or not.

It is truly amazing how telling myself positive things about myself instead of ruminating about all the negative things that I, inaccurately, had associated with my ex ‘ s absence of communication helped keep me from sinking into depression.

I was able to move past what happened fairly quickly and get on with my day. How great is that?

#5 – I develop personal coping mechanisms.

The final part of using CBT when I was feeling depressed was to create and practice personal coping mechanisms.

A few years back, when I was feeling really good, I made a list of things that I knew helped me when depression was settling in. Now, when I feel it coming, I refer to that list to help shut the depression down or carry me through it.

What kind of coping skills? Walking, eating pad thai, having sex, hanging out with friends, watching The Walking Dead, hanging with my kids.

All of these things are coping mechanisms, practical things that I can do for myself, to help me feel better when I am struggling in the world. They have made a huge difference for me, helping me get through the bad days.

Using CBT when I am feeling depressed has saved my life.

I also use CBT in many other areas of my life.

I use it when emotions with my siblings get high. I remember that each of us carry with us baggage from our childhood that rears it ‘ s ugly head when we are together, that we all have our issues, both individually and with each other, that I can ‘ t take their behaviors personally and that we will all love each other forever, in spite of what might be occurring.

If someone is rude to me in line at Starbucks I understand that that probably says more about what is happening with that person, like they just had a fight with their wife or are running late to work because of bad traffic, then it does about me. Not taking that rudeness personally but recognizing that it has nothing to do with me, allows me to let it go quickly and not let it bring me down.

Talk to your therapist about bringing the principles of CBT into your life. You will be glad you did!

Are you struggling with depression and in search of tools to help you manage it?
Let me help you learn those tools, NOW, before your depression gets the best of you.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

What Are Healthy Boundaries In Marriage?

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Are you wondering what are healthy boundaries in marriage or in your relationship?

Are you eager to do so but have no idea what healthy relationship boundaries are??

Let me help!

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors. Really, it ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them. But there are a few boundaries that are essential for every healthy relationship.

#1 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your relationship become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#2 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ tcommunicatingand giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#3 – Don ‘ t lose yourselves.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all womenstay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So be yourself in your relationship. Ahealthy relationshiprequires it.

#4 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#5 – Be flexible.

I have a client who recently bought a house for herself and her boyfriend moved in with her. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy relationship.

So, embrace flexibility. Choose the things that are important to you and stay true to them but be willing to see what might be important to your man and work with him so that you both can live a life that makes you happy. Together and apart.

Examining what are healthy boundaries in marriage is an excellent way to ensure that you have a good strong relationship that will last forever.

Relationships are built from two people who have two separate lives and two separate ways of living. It is important that the couple build a new life together. A new life with four walls that will keep it safe and strong.

So, don ‘ t let one of you be in charge, respect each other, like yourself, spend time apart and be flexible.

Talk to your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your relationship to be a healthy one.

You can do it!

Don’t let a lack of boundaries get in the way of being happily married.
Let me help you define some NOW, before it’s too late.
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How to Tell if Your Guy is Emotionally Unavailable So You Can Let Him Go & Find True Love

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I don ‘ t know about you but my propensity to pick emotionally unavailable guys is about 95% percent. If I hadn ‘ t met my current guy it would be 100%.

Why are we attracted to guys you are emotionally unavailable when all we want, more than anything, is to be loved?

That ‘ s a topic for another blog so for today let ‘ s look at how we can identify if a guy is emotionally unavailable.

#1 – He lacks self-confidence.

Years ago, I had a boyfriend who really, really struggled with his self-confidence. He had been abused as a child, struggled with holding a job, had a terrible temper that got him into trouble and had a failed marriage. His confidence had never been high but the past decade had worn him down.

When we first got together he was emotionally available in a big way. He couldn ‘ t believe that someone like me could love him and he relished it. He showered me with words of love and tons of affection. I had never felt so loved.

As our relationship progressed, however, his emotional availability gradually became less and less. He still held on to me like a life preserver, like I was a physical manifestation of all that he could be, but he just stopped being able to give me what I needed to feel loved. He couldn ‘ t love me but he refused to let me go.

Since we broke up, I came to learn that this man most likely didn ‘ t believe that he deserved to be loved by me and so he wouldn ‘ t even try. Perhaps also he believed that, because he failed at everything, our relationship would fail so he sabotaged it.

I saw such potential in him so breaking up with this broken man was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Doing so was important however. His emotionally unavailable was making me really question my own self-worth in the world. And that was not okay.

#2 – He drinks too much.

When I first met my soon to be husband there were two things that struck me about him. That he could drink A LOT, as much as me, and that he was wonderfully physically affectionate. Both of those traits were things that I was looking for in a man.

As the years went on, and I stopped drinking, a few things emerged that were very unsettling. The first was that when it came time to address feelings my husband just couldn ‘ t cope. The first sign of a discussion about emotions and he would head to the fridge for a beer. Trying to talk to him about how I was feeling was impossible. As a result, I felt lonely in the marriage and we grew further and further apart.

The other thing that emerged was that my husband used physical affection to try to communicate his emotions. He was always touching me but his touch made my skin crawl. Looking back on it I realize it was because he was so out of touch with his emotions that his physical touch felt false.

His way of trying to express emotion when he really was emotionally unavailable was one of the things that ultimately destroyed our marriage.

#3 – He is narcissistic.

The definition of a narcissist is ‘ ˜someone with an excessive preoccupation with or admiration for oneself. ‘

Someone who is narcissistic is so preoccupied with him or herself that any kind of consideration or emotional availability is simply impossible.

Everything that happens in their life or their world is reflected back on themselves. If they are angry, they scream. If they are sad, they lash out. Because they are so self-obsessed they don ‘ t feel the need to connect with their emotions. They are just fine, they believe.

Furthermore, to look at the emotions of another and feel something for them just doesn ‘ t happen. Instead, they take note of how the other person ‘ s emotions might be affecting them and that ‘ s all they care about.

So, if the man you love is preoccupied with himself to the exclusion of others then he is a narcissist and will never have the emotional availability that you desire.

#4 – He works ALL the time.

We all know that person – the person who works 24/7, obsessively, who never has time for anything else, who is obsessed with their own personal success and doesn ‘ t understand the need to turn away from their work towards another person.

Many people who are workaholics are like alcoholics in that they use their work to self-medicate whatever feelings they might be feeling. To feel feelings, or to understand the feelings of others, is just too painful to do and so they pour their energy elsewhere.

Another problem with workaholics is that they are also never present. Their physical bodies are always out of the house and when they are home they are usually preoccupied with work. Someone who isn ‘ t present with you is never going to be emotionally available.

You can try, repeatedly, to get through to them but most likely without success. And that will leave you feeling lonely and ignored.

#5 – He has an unhealthy relationship with his mom.

I have been dating for 6 years now and if there is one thing that I have noticed out in the world of dating is that men who don ‘ t have good relationships with their mothers are entirely emotionally unavailable.

The motherly bound is the earliest and the most profound bond in the human experience. Boys who don ‘ t have that bond with their mother had stinted emotional development. They didn ‘ t learn the inherently female traits of empathy, affection, trust and communication. Not learning those things sets them up for a life time of not knowing how to love and be loved in return.

In contrast, the man I am currently dating has an amazing connection with his mother. He visits her twice a week and watching them together is amazing. The love and respect that he has for her and what she has done in the world is written all over his face. The pride and admiration she takes in who her son has become in the world is palpable. The very bedrock of my man ‘ s emotional availability was created by a woman who loved him unconditionally and who taught him what he needed to do and be to truly express and receive love.

How lucky am I to have found him?

The importance of having a man be emotionally available in a successful relationship cannot be understated.

If your man shows any signs of the traits listed above tread carefully. A man who lacks self-confidence, who is addicted to work or booze, who is self-obsessed and has issues with his mother is a man who is, and most likely always will be, emotionally unavailable.

If you want to have a healthy, happy relationship, a guy who is emotionally unavailable is not the guy for you.

So, let him go, move on and find the guy who makes your heart sing. Like I did ‘ ¦.

If you have made it this far you must realize your guy is emotionally unavailable.
Let me help you, NOW, find your way out of the mess and find love before it’s too late!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com, or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Let Go Of Toxic Love And Start Loving Yourself

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Are you wondering how to let go of toxic love? Does the prospect of doing so seem simply impossible?

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world,letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world.

There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Learning how to let go of toxic love is not easy but it is possible. Just follow these steps and before you know it you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and start loving yourself again.

#1 – Ask yourself if you are ready to really do this.

Before you begin any life changing process you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because withoutsteadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So, are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren ‘ t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is ayes, then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

Either way, ask yourself some tough questions about this relationship and make a conscious decision to stay or go. Doing so, making a purposeful move, will help you start respecting and loving yourself again which is a key part of letting go toxic love.

#2 – Block him everywhere.

I know that we all think that we need ‘ closure ‘ at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn ‘ t you make it work as a couple?

So, when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It ‘ s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So, gono contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

As a side benefit, not spending your time and energy stalking him on Facebook but doing something that makes you feel good is exactly what you need to do to start loving yourself again.

#3- Define what you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn ‘ t the man for her and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated her and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn ‘ t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn ‘ t and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn ‘ t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn ‘ t have a future together but their past, their experiences together, how she felt about him, was something that she wanted to hold on to. Not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn ‘ t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

#4 – Question what is true and what is not.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted and if her boyfriend loved her enough he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn ‘ t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn ‘ t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn ‘ t want, and stack them up next to what she did want, her hopes and dreams. When she did she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Figure out what you REALLY want in relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So, make a list. Make a list of what youwant from a man in relationship with you. It doesn ‘ t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So, make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are reading this article, that he won ‘ t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can ‘ t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

Right now, take a moment and picture the guy who has all the traits that you want in a man, sitting right next to you. How good would that feel, to be loved by someone who was the right person for you. And what a great way to get back to loving yourself.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Learning how to let go of toxic love can seem difficult but if you can master it your life will only get better.

So, cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it, you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn ‘ t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt anddate and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love but in the meantime you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

Is holding onto toxic love keeping you from finding your true love?
Let me help, NOW, before too much time goes by!
Email me at mitzi@letyourdreamsbegin.com and let’s get started!

 

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