5 Reasons A Relationship Without Boundaries Isn’t Healthy

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Have you been told that a relationship without boundaries isn ‘ t healthy?

Are you wondering what exactly relationship boundaries are and why you need to have them in your relationship?

Let me help! To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe.

Unfortunately, without the four walls around it, a relationship can founder. Why?

#1 – Without boundaries, expectations aren ‘ t clear.

One of the biggest reasons that relationships start to founder is when mutual expectations aren ‘ t met.

Have you ever been in a relationship where your partner just didn ‘ t understand something that was really important to you and that lack of understanding HURT!

Maybe in the beginning of your relationship you always celebrated Saturday mornings by breakfast in bed. A few months into the relationship he started to instead played soccer with his friends.

Did you TELL him how important it was to you that you do that Saturday morning ritual? Did he know how much it hurt that he left you by yourself those days? Or did you just stew and think that if he loved you he would know how important this ritual was to you?

One important relationship boundary is that you set clear expectations of what is important to you so that you both know. We just can ‘ t read each other ‘ s minds and it ‘ s essential that we share what we want and need so that the relationship can be a healthy one.

#2 – Without boundaries, you can lose yourself.

For many of us, when we get into a relationship we tend to lose ourselves in it. In the beginning, all we want to do is be with that person and as the relationship continues we keep up that pattern. Because we want to be with them always, we agree to do what they want to do and put our own needs aside.

Unfortunately, as a result, many of us lose ourselves because we give ourselves over completely to the other person, doing what they want and seeing who they like. Before we know it, we have no idea who we are in the world. Our friends have fallen away, our hobbies are sidelined and we find ourselves without an identity of our own.

And when this happens, our self-esteem plunges. And who wants to be in a relationship with someone with no identity and low self-esteem?

So, set this boundary. Make sure that each of you have time on your own and that you come back to each other in between.

#3 – Without boundaries, one person might always be in charge.

An interesting pattern that often happens in relationship is that one person tends to be in charge.

This particularly happens in marriages with children. Women tend to take over running the family business because they are juggling all of the balls and the men are left as support staff.

Unfortunately, one person being in charge can lead to loss of respect on the part of the person in charge and contempt on the part of the person being bossed around.

So, make an effort to make sure that you are both boss of some aspect of your life. Share the responsibility. Most of the couples that I know who are still married after 20 years work together to keep their family running smoothly.

#4 – Without boundaries, you could stop liking each other.

Imagine if, every day, you and your partner let each other down because you haven ‘ t set clear expectations. And if every day, you are a little more clingy to your guy because of you have lost who you are in the world. Or if, every day, you are condescendingly bossy to your husband because he always seems clueless about what needs to be done around the house.

If that is your every day, do you think that you will continue to like your partner? Do you think the joy that you used to feel every time you saw them will stay with you? Do you think your partner will look upon you with the same respect that he did when you first dating?

Without clear boundaries, the friendship that is so important in any healthy relationship could evaporate. And then where are you?

#5 – Without boundaries, friendships could founder.

Ever since the Victorian age, when Victoria and Albert found true love in an arranged marriage, the ideal of the traditional marriage is that you will find your best friend AND the love of your life AND and a life partner.

That is a tall order for any kind of relationship. To be all things for a person. A lot of pressure, to say the least.

I have always said that I have a friend for every mood. I have a friend for when I am sad, a friend for when I want to play, a friend for going to the movies and a friend to go hiking with. My boyfriend is definitely someone I would choose for some of those activities but definitely not for all of them.

It is essential that, in relationship, you maintain outside friendships because the pressure to be all things to one person is just too much. Unsustainable, some might say.

Make sure that you make the time and spend the energy to maintain your friendships, friendships that will sustain you no matter what you need or what happens in your life.

Relationship boundaries can be hard to understand but are very important to put into place for a healthy relationship.

So, first off, set clear expectations on both sides for what is important in your relationship. Adjust them as time goes on. Make sure that no one is in charge and that you maintain your own, independent life. Work hard to keep liking each other.

Healthy relationships can be hard to maintain but if you do the work, it will be worth it. I promise.

Do you want your relationship to be healthy and strong?
Let me help, NOW, to set some boundaries that will keep it that way!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Traits of a Guy You Want to Fall in Love With

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Don ‘ t you just want to find someone to love. Someone to make a life with and live happily ever after with. Why can ‘ t it just be that easy?

Why? Because we meet a guy who has everything on our list – things like he is smart, funny, handsome, independent – and we jump in because we think he might be the one.

BUT, are those things – the things on our list – really the personality traits that are essential for a long-lasting relationship?

I would say NO. I think they are important but they aren ‘ t THE most important things to look for in a man who will love you forever.

So, let ‘ s try doing it differently. Let ‘ s start by looking for a guy who has the personality traits of a guy you want to fall in love with and those things on our list second.

So, what are those traits?

#1 – An eagerness to learn.

Don ‘ t you just hate guys who think they know everything?

How they come into a relationship thinking that they know what makes a relationship work and how people need to behave and they aren ‘ t willing to consider doing anything differently.

We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage. Hurt from past relationships, disappointed expectations, frustrations at how hard it all is, unrealistic expectations about what could be.

All of those things make forming a relationship difficult but they are also all things that could allow a relationship to flourish, if dealt with correctly.

What about if you found a man who is able to look at his past mistakes and see how he might have done things differently. Or a man who didn ‘ t hold things that went wrong in past relationships over your head, assuming that those things will happen in your relationship as well.

What if you found a guy who was willing to look to take a fresh look at how a relationship could be WITH YOU and was willing to listen to ideas from you about what might work wellA guy who is willing to learn other ways to be in a relationship is a guy who is going to make a woman fall in love with him.

#2 – Putting others first.

A man who is going to be someone you want to fall in love with is a man who is interested in putting others first.

A man who is willing to miss the football game for a birthday dinner with his mom. Who will open a door for someone even if he knows that that person will then be ahead of him in that really long line. Who is willing to bend his schedule to accommodate being with the woman he loves when she needs him.

Many men put themselves first, either out of habit or necessity. Perhaps they are protecting themselves, perhaps their mother made them that way or perhaps they are just clueless. But what good is a man with a wicked sense of humor who doesn ‘ t put others first, at least some of the time?

Do you want to be playing second fiddle for the rest of your life?

#3 – Flexibility.

Life is messy and a key personality trait in a guy who women fall in love with is flexibility.

Every day, even the best laid plans are dashed by life. And when plans are dashed then everyone needs to work together to set things back in motion again.

A client of mine owns her own business and has a crazy busy schedule that often changes on a dime. As a result, she often has to change plans with her guy. Instead of getting pissed that she can ‘ t see him or taking it personally that she has to shift things again, her guy rolls with it. He knows exactly what is happening and is happy to accept it as part of being with her. She in turn makes every effort to communicate changes to him as soon as she knows of them and that Friday night and Saturday morning are set in stone as time for them. They are both flexible and that makes their relationship work.

And yes, he is good looking and she was immediately attracted to him but, over time, the flexibility that he displays regularly is way more important to her!

#4 – Self-respect.

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man with self-respect.

A man who takes care of himself and his space and the people around him.

I had a Match date once with a guy I emailed with for more than a week. I really, really liked him and was looking forward to our date. We were meeting for coffee and I dressed casually but carefully in anticipation of our meeting.

And him? He showed up in sweats with stains on his shirt and holes in the knees. His hair was a mess and he looked like he had just rolled out of bed. It was not a good first impression.

For me, I felt like a guy who didn ‘ t take care of himself wasn ‘ t going to be the kind of guy who could take care of me. And I was right – the more I got to know him, the more I saw that he was pretty careless in all of his life. A huge reason, I am guessing, why he is still single.

So, choose a smart guy but choose a guy who takes care of himself, his environment and those around him. A guy with self-respect who will respect you as well.

#5 – Self Awareness

Ok, so you have met the guy of your dreams. He is smart, funny, educated, employed and cute. And then you realize that he doesn ‘ t know that he is any of those things and that he has a chip on his shoulder because of it.

I have a client who was madly in love with a man she knew from college. They had reconnected on Facebook and after months of talking they got together.

Her man was smart, gorgeous and really good at making her laugh. And that was enough, until it wasn ‘ t.

Her man didn ‘ t know that he was smart, hot and funny.He had encountered many failures in his life and those repeated failures had made him incredibly insecure.

This insecurity ultimately destroyed their relationship because he couldn ‘ t believe that she loved him and he couldn ‘ t commit to her because he didn ‘ t think that he deserved her.

While he met all the criteria on my client ‘ s list, he didn ‘ t know who he was and their relationship was doomed.

Find yourself a guy who has done his work and who knows who he is in the world and that he likes that person. And that other people like him too.

Yes, love is the goal and a frustrating one it can be to reach.

I am here to suggest that if your quest for love is failing, you need to try approaching it differently.

So, make a list about what you want from the guy of your dreams and include more than a sense of humor and blue eyes. Think about what personality traits are important to you. Consider the above when you make your list.

Do things differently this time. You will be glad you did! I promise.

Is your search for love getting you down?
Let me help, NOW, because the guy of your dreams is out there, waiting for you!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Things to Do Next After Letting Go of Love

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Are you wondering what to do next after letting go of love?

Have you worked hard to get out of a relationship that wasn ‘ t serving you? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that is the result letting go of your love?

You are not alone. Getting past a broken heart is hard but not impossible.

Here are some things that you can do that can really help.

#1 – Make a list.

One of the first thing I tell all of my clients when they have to walk away from someone they love is to make a list – a list of all of the reasons that they need to walk away from that person.

When we spend time with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us that we need to walk away. When we finally get away from that person, those things tend to recede into our memory. They get replaced in the forefront of our mind with the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to returning to the relationship that is causing us pain.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that is making you walk away from the person that you love. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing him.

You left this relationship for a reason. Keep that reason in mind daily going forward.

#2 – Cut off all contact.

There is nothing more tempting, when you are missing your lost love, then to stalk him or her.

Unfortunately, these days there are so many ways to keep tabs on a lost love – social media has made it all so easy. And keeping tabs on a lost love makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn ‘ t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your lost love ‘ s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don ‘ t want to see. Perhaps him out there having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or even doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

So, eliminate all ties to your loved one on social media. Block him on your phone. Don ‘ t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#3 – Exercise and take care of yourself.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on his face when he sees you next!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don ‘ t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Do something that you have always wanted to do.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don ‘ t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space – do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn ‘ t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don ‘ t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends ‘ ¦and make new ones.

For many of us, relationships mean that we disconnected with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you ‘ ˜before. ‘ They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women,to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People are a great way to get you through a tough time. And you have lots of people. Reach out and find them again.

Letting go of love is devastating and a big part of getting through it is by figuring out what to do next.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the reasons that you broke up with your guy. Keep it close. Block your guy on your phone and on every social media platform you are connect on. Get out there and exercise. Do somethings that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the guy you had to let go.

I know it doesn ‘ t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise ‘ ¦

Have you let go of love and are struggling with the pain?
Let me help, NOW, so that you can get through it and move on!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

What Kind of Woman Is Most Likely to Find Lasting Love?

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Finding last love in this modern world is verydifficult. What kind of woman is most likely to find lasting love?

We all want it. To have someone who is our best friend, someone we can share our hopes and dreams with, someone who we can build a life with.And, yet, for many women, finding and keeping lasting love can be very difficult.

I have talked to many women in healthy relationships over the years and there are 5 personality traits that most of them share. Let me share them with you.

#1 – They know themselves.

Women who are in healthy relationships know themselves. Truly know themselves.

They know their strengths and their weaknesses. They have dealt with their past. They recognize their limitations and are willing to reach out for help when they know they need it.

Women who find lasting love KNOW what they want. They know what kind of man they want, what kind of traits he will have, what kind of man will bring out the best in them. They set their eye on finding that man and build themselves a clear path to do so.

If you are a woman who doesn ‘ t know who she is, who hasn ‘ t taken a good hard look at who you are in the world and what you want, then you will have a hard time finding and keeping lasting love.

#2 – They don’t take things personally.

I know many women who reflect everything that happens in the world on themselves. Women who do this have a low ego strength. Everything that happens in the world they filter through their perception of themselves.

I have a clientwho reflects everything that happens back on herself. Her husband didn ‘ t want to help his mother clean out her attic and my client ‘ s reaction was that if her husband didn ‘ t help her with her attic in 10 years, when she was retiring, she would be really angry.

Another client was upset because her husband didn ‘ t do what he said he was going to do so that meant that he didn ‘ t love her.

Women who take everything personally don ‘ t have confidence with who they are in the world. They look at life through their own personal lens which doesn ‘ t allow them to let a man in and love them for who they are. They judge their man for their actions. They don’t believe a man can love them for who they are. They are paralyzed by the person they see in the mirror, a person they don’t like very much. And how can you expect a man to like you if you don’t like yourself?

So, don ‘ t take things personally. Understand that your man’s thoughts and deeds are independent of you. Seek to love and like who you are so that the person you are with can love and like you too.

#3 – They areflexible.

Women who find lasting love are flexible. They are willing to roll with whatever comes along and bend themselves to accommodate it.

I have a client who is very black and white in her thinking about the world. If her relationship isn’t going the way she thinks it shouldthen she is immediately stymied. She tries to bend it back to her way of thinking and, more often than not, she gets shut down in the process. If only she was willing to look at all sides of the relationship she might be able to help it evolve into something healthy that works for everyone.

I have another client who, when things don ‘ t go the way that she thinks they will, gets totally overcome and just can ‘ t deal at all. She is paralyzed by the idea that something must go in a different direction and she shuts down. And when she does, her relationship falls apart.

So, try to be flexible in the world. Anticipate and accept that your relationship just might not go the way you think it will and roll with it.You will be happy you did.

#4 – They have a sense of humor.

Life can be exceedingly difficult and women who are in healthy relationships are able to laugh at how hard it can be.

Think about those days when everything goes wrong. Your husband is cranky in the morning because he is going to be late to work. Your plans to meet for lunch get cancelled because he has meetings. He forgets that you are going to go shopping together and has a beer after work, from which he comes home later than he said he would.

When this happens, you have two choices. You can collapse in a heap of anger and despair, drink 3 glasses of wine and yell at your husband. OR you can throw your hands up in the air, recognize how crazy life is and go for a walk with your dog to let it all go.

If you can just let things go, if you can see that life is just difficult and accept it with grace and humor, you will be way more likely to find and keep the lasting love that you seek.

#5 – They never, ever give up.

The key to finding, and keeping, lasting love is determination. The determination to succeed, to get what you want, to not let anything get in your way.

I have a client whose husband left her for his college girlfriend years ago. It was totally out of the blue and she was devastated. It took her some time to get back on her feet but when she did she did so with gusto.

She took the time to figure out what she wanted in the world and she went for it. She started her own business and worked hard to make it successful. She moved to New York City because she knew it would give her the opportunities that she seeked. And she made herself a list of the kind of man she was looking for. 6 year later, her business is a success and she has found the man of her dreams. A lot of things got in the way but she never gave up. And she got what she wanted.

So, if lasting love is what you seek, go for it. Set your sights on what you want and don ‘ t let go, no matter what gets in your way.

There is no reason why any women should have difficulty finding the lasting love that she seeks.

Women have been letting men take the lead in relationships for too long, letting their ‘ ˜womanness ‘ hold them back from actively pursuing what they want.

I would argue that the things that make us women, the self-awareness, the determination, the flexibility and the sense of humor, the personality traits that we naturally possess, giveus all the tools that we need to find the love that we seek.

So, go out there in the world, be a woman, and find your person. You can do it! I promise.

If you are still reading this you must really want to find lasting love?
Let me help, NOW! Your guy is out there waiting for you!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Ways to Tell if the Guy You Love Doesn’t Love You Back

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Are you wondering if the guy you love loves you back?

How any times have you sat with a friend as she cried about the man that she loves because she is confused about whether he loves her or not. How many? Thousands perhaps? Me too.

And don ‘ t you always want to say ‘ ˜it ‘ s so obvious! He doesn ‘ t love you! ‘ ? Because it is so obvious. To you, but not to her.

And now do you find yourself in the her place? Wondering if the guy you love loves you back?

Let me help. There are 5 ways to tell that your guy doesn ‘ t love you. They are:

#1 – He constantly makes excuses about why he can’t spend time with you.

A guy who is in love with a girl actively wants to spend time with her. In fact, he will move heaven and earth to spend time with her.

Now, I am not saying that your guy doesn ‘ t love you if he goes to a football game with the guys or has breakfast with his mother. But if your guy regularly has to work late on date night or is having problems with his car or suddenly has been struck down a mysterious illness then there is the possibility that he is making excuses not to see you.

And if he is making excuses to not see you then he definitely isn ‘ t in love with you. Because, if he was, he would be sitting right by your side and you would not be reading this article

#2 – He ghosts you in any way.

Does your guy disappear?

Do you text him and not hear back for hours and when you do there is talk about a broken phone keyboard or a dead battery?

Are you supposed to meet your guy for dinner but at the last minute he tells you he can ‘ t make it and then you don ‘ t hear from him for a day?

Does he tell you that he isn ‘ t feeling well enough to hang out with you and then spends the night posting on Facebook and he doesn ‘ t respond to any of your messages?

If your guy ghosts you in any way he doesn ‘ t love you. A guy who loves a girl treats her with respect and that respect means that he responds to her clearly and honestly. He is clear about his actions and his intentions and he shares them with her.

So, if your guy disappears regularly, with lame excuses, then he most definitely isn ‘ t in love with you.

#3 – He spends more time on his hobbies than with you.

Does your man have a hobby that regularly takes him away from you?

A client of mine has a guy who is passionate about riding his bike. Every weekend he goes out with his posse and they clock as many miles as they can get in. Every weekend.

My friend had no problem with his passion for biking until he started to put his bike over her on his priority list. The weekend would come along and she would want to just spend time with him but his bike ride came first. So, she would wait and when he got back he was always too tired to do anything with her.

If you man has a hobby great! Everyone should have a hobby! But if he regularly puts his hobby ahead of you on his play list then he doesn ‘ t love you.

Time to go find a man who has a hobby to share with the woman he loves.

#4 – He isn ‘ t always nice to you.

Do you come downstairs after carefully dressing for dinner only to have your guy make a snide comment about what you are wearing?

Does your man comment on your horrible cooking in front of your friends?

Does he mock new ideas that you might have about your career?

If your man does any of these things, he doesn ‘ t love you. A man who is in love with a woman treats her with the utmost respect and would never dream of being unkind to her.

Of course, some men are clueless and will say something innocent about your dress without meaning to but if your man is regularly unkind to you then he definitely doesn ‘ t love you.

#5 – He doesn ‘ t do things just to make you happy.

Do you make plans to go out with the girls and ask him to take care of the kids and he refuses?

Do you want to spend that extra money that you have saved on a new dishwasher and he insists that it would be better spent elsewhere?

Do you want to spend some quality time with him but he is always too busy?

Men who love their woman want to give them what they want because they know that if a woman feels taken care of she will feel loved. If a man is always selfish in his considerations and doesn ‘ t care at all what you want then that man doesn ‘ t love you.

So, I ask you, if your friend was telling you about a man who fits the criteria above, what you would you say to her? And what would you hope your friend would say to you if the positions were reversed?

Read this list. Keep it. Memorize it. Use it now to get rid of the guy who doesn’t love you and keep it for later use. Hopefully you won ‘ t need it but keep it close in case you do ‘ ¦

The guy who will truly love you is out there. Don ‘ t settle for someone who just pretends he does. Move on NOW!

Are you wondering if your guy loves you back?
Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

How To Make A Woman Feel Safe And Secure

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It ‘ s something that women always say they are looking for in a man, someone to make them ‘ ˜feel safe. ‘

And, of course, you want to give her that. What man wouldn ‘ t?

But how the hell do you do that? What makes a woman feel safe? Let me tell you ‘ ¦.

#1 – Listen to her.

The most important thing to make a woman feel safe is for her to know that you are listening to her.

That when she talks you are paying attention and understanding what she is saying and feeling.

While you might be inclined to think that you need to ‘ ˜fix ‘ her to make her feel safe, in reality really all she wants you to do is to listen and let her know that you are there for her.

So, next time your girl opens up to you, sit down and pay attention. Hold her hand, empathize with her feelings and confirm for her that you are there and that you always will be.

#2 – Do what you say you are going to do.

Are you one of those guys who doesn ‘ t always do what you say you are going to do?

Do you tell your girl that you will be home at 6 even if you aren ‘ t going to be home until 8 because you don ‘ t want to make her mad? Or that you will go pick out the windows for the house renovation, even though chances are good that you will have to work?

Often, for many men, they don ‘ t do what they say they are going to do because they are worried that if they speak the truth they will hurt or upset their woman.

In fact, the opposite is true. Men who don ‘ t do what they say they are going to do actually hurt their woman more and definitely don ‘ t make them feel safe.

So, make sure you do what you say you are going to do. Allow your woman to feel confident that she can rely on you to always be there for her. And make her feel safe.

#3 – Tell her how you feel about her.

Have you ever thought to yourself ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her how I feel about her. She knows. ‘

Do you take out the garbage faithfully, assuming that by doing so your woman will know you love her?

If the answer to either question is YES then you are wrong!

Telling your woman how you feel about her is a key component in making her feel safe. She might have a sense of how you feel but to actually hear the words come out of your mouth let ‘ s her know that you have her back. That you care about her enough to tell her and that she knows that she can count on you to be there for her.

#4 – Act like a man.

I know. I know. In this day and age men and women are equal. And my 23 year old daughter will kill me for saying this but the truth of the matter is that men can make women feel safe by just acting like themselves.

Men are genetically programmed to be protectors. The survival of the species depended on men protecting their women and children from predators. That instinct is not gone in this 21stcentury world.

I am not saying that you need to brandish your club and knock down anyone who messes with your girl but make sure that she knows that you are there for her, to reach the things that she can ‘ t reach, to carry that load that is just too much for her, to hold the door open when her hands are full and to get rid of that dead mouse carcass the cat dragged in.

Tap into your inner caveman, without letting him take you over completely, and allow your girl to feel safe.

#5 – Be honest.

The number one most important thing in making a woman feel safe is to be honest.

I said above that it is important that you always do what you say you are going to do but it is more than that.

For a woman to feel safe she needs to feel trust. And if you can ‘ t be honest with her she can never trust you.

So, if you can ‘ t get home for dinner, tell her. If you need to see your mother instead of going out with her friends, don ‘ t make an excuse. Tell her the truth. If you ran up the credit card debt or forgot to give the kids a bath or need some time on your own, be direct and up front. Tell her the truth, right away.

Let her know that she can rely on you to be honest and if you do she will feel safe.

If you want the girl of your dreams to love you forever, let her feel safe.

Listen to her, do what you say you are going to do, tell her how you feel about her, protect her and be honest.

I promise you. You make your girl feel safe and she is yours forever.

If you have read this far you must have a girl you want to feel safe and secure.
Let me help you, NOW, before she finds someone else!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

5 Ways Relationship Boundaries And Expectations Can Hurt Your Relationship

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Relationship boundaries and expectations are often talked about as the key to successful relationships. What isn ‘ t often addressed is that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship also.

Good relationship boundaries include the following: spending time apart, neither one of you being in charge, being flexible, displaying respect for each other, and staying yourself in the relationship. All of these sound great, right?

So, how is that possible? That something meant to make a relationship strong can also serve to weaken it?

Let me tell you ‘ ¦

#1 – You don ‘ t communicate clearly.

Relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship if they aren ‘ t communicated clearly to each other.

Imagine that for you to be happy in a relationship you need to spend time alone but you don ‘ t tell your partner that it ‘ s important for you. That spending time alone only enhances your feelings for your partner and improves your relationship.

Imagine how your need to be alone might make your partner feel? Perhaps your partner thinks that your need to be alone is a negative reflection of how you feel about them. Perhaps when you are off alone your partner is worried and miserable.

Can you see how that might not be so great for your relationship?

So, make sure that you and your partner set boundaries and expectations together and that you both understand clearly what they are.

#2 – Your expectations don ‘ t match.

Another way that relationship boundaries and expectations can hurt your relationship is if your boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match.

Let ‘ s say that you both know how important it is for you to remain yourself in a relationship. That if you aren ‘ t yourself you just don ‘ t feel happy, alone or together. But what if your partner believes that individuals in couples should work hard to change for the other person. That the individual no longer matters, only the couple.

If relationship boundaries and expectations don ‘ t match in a relationship, the relationship will be doomed unless both parties are willing to work together to make things work both of them.

#3 – Spending time apart doesn ‘ t work for everyone.

Spending time alone in relationship is a very important part of it being healthy. Couples who can enjoy time apart are usually very happy to come back together.

This is not always the case for some couples. Some individuals really struggle when they can ‘ t be with their partner. They are happy that their partner is doing his own thing but they are paralyzed by missing him. They do not take the opportunity to get out and do their own thing but instead sit at home, sad and growing resentful.

So, if one person can ‘ t handle the being alone part it can be very damaging to a relationship. If that occurs, work together to figure out a way for you to spend time on your own in a way that won ‘ t hurt your partner. Maybe do it around times when they already have plans. Or when they are away for work.

Spending time alone is important. Try hard to make it happen.

#4 – No one is in charge.

Making sure that no one person is in charge of a relationship is a key relationship boundary that keeps relationships happy. But it can also be fraught with issues.

When no one is captain of the ship it is possible for the ship to founder. If crew members are left on their own to make decisions independently, without taking into account the other crew members, disaster can happen.

The same can happen with relationships. When no one takes the lead in any one area, such as planning social events or doing work on the house, then, more likely than not, nothing will happen. And, when nothing happens, a relationship can get stagnant and stale pretty quickly.

So, divide and conquer. If something has to happen put one person in charge of taking the lead. It doesn ‘ t have to apply to everything, just the one event that is being addressed.

Don ‘ t let lack of leadership be a bad thing in your relationship.

#5 – You are your own person at the expense of the relationship.

Yes, being your own person in a relationship is very important. No one can be happy if they aren ‘ t being who they truly are.

Unfortunately, the need to be your own person can interfere with the health of a relationship.

In my marriage we had a struggle with this issue. I was the kind of person who was always polite and kind but also insisted on speaking my truth about what I wanted and confronting issues up front.

My ex, and his family, definitely didn ‘ t prescribe to my philosophy. They believed in fitting in with a crowd, going along with what the group wanted to do. They never addressed issues head on but rather said nothing, hoping it would all go away.

The struggle between me needing to be me and the needs of my ex-husband and his family was a profound one that ultimately led to the end of our marriage, I believe.

So, work hard to stay true to yourself in relationship but make sure that if it brings up any issues you are ready to face them head on with your partner before they ruin your relationship.

Good for you for wanting to keep your relationship healthy and doing the research, reading about boundaries and deciding how to apply them to your behaviors and your relationship. That is great work and should be applauded.

BUT, remember, if you don ‘ t share what you learned with your partner and tell them how you are going to apply them to your actions in relationship then you are doomed from the start.

Your partner might not understand why your behaviors are different or that they don ‘ t line up with his. Why is flexibility and respect so important to you? Why are you leaving him alone and insisting on being yourself? And if he doesn ‘ t understand that can definitely hurt a relationship.

So, set healthy relationship boundaries and expectations together and continually work to make sure they are helping your relationship and not hurting them!

Are you struggling with relationship boundaries and expectations?
They can be challenging. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

5 Things You Should Know about Having an Affair if You are Considering Having One

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So, you are thinking about having an affair.

You didn ‘ t go looking to have one but you have met a certain someone who rocks your world. The feelings you have for him are like none you have ever had before so it would be wrong to deny those feelings. Right?

Sound familiar?

To the uninitiated, having an affair is all about the sex. Don ‘ t get me wrong. Affairs ARE about sex. Wonderful, illicit, mind-blowing sex. But they are also about so much more.

What else, you ask?

Hold on, because what you are about to read might surprise you.

#1 – It will wake you up in a big way.

Affairs don ‘ t happen in a void. People who have affairs are often stuck in long-term, unhappy relationships. Sex is nonexistent, communication has broken down and love is dead.

Then, out of nowhere, someone new appears and changes everything.

I have a client who thought her life was fine. She wasn ‘ t happy but she didn ‘ t feel like the absence of love and sex was important to her. She had her kids and her friends and her work and, really, what else could a 40-year-old want?

Until she met him… and he totally got her! They could spend hours talking about everything and understood each other perfectly. He thought she was beautiful and told her so every text he sent her. Just thinking about him got her body tingling. And when they ultimately had sex. Boom!

She had been sleepwalking for years. Getting older every day, just being fine. No longer. She was awake. Every single-bitty part of her was wide awake.

#2 – You will have the best sex of your life.

Affair sex is sex of the likes of which you have never had before in your life. It’s better than anything you could ever imagine.

Affair sex is a drug ‘ ” a highly addictive, legal, potentially lethal drug. And once you have a hit, there is no going back.

Why?

Emotional connection marks the beginning of affairs, ones that can be months or years in the making. And that kind of extended emotional foreplay can only lead to intense sexual connection. Certainly, more intense than anything you have had recently or ever.

The sex is illicit. No matter how old we are, doing things that we aren ‘ t supposed to do is fun. I know someone who perfected the art of having sex in the pantry. No sheets needed to be changed and there were lots of fun walls and doors to be put to full use. The experimentation was the best part.

And then there are the orgasms. Our lives are dull, routine, chaotic, and jam-packed. The dopamine high from an orgasmcan last more than 5 hours. Imagine how much better grocery shopping or conference calls are when you are experiencing an orgasm high as well.

Once you have had affair sex, it ‘ s virtually impossible to stop. And this is why people can ‘ t walk away from it and they risk everything to have it. Everything.

#3 – You will be broken down into a million little pieces.

Affairs at the beginning are more exciting than anything you could ever have imagined. And then, not so much.

One of my clients had an affair with a stay-at-home dad. They had known each other for years and, one day, she needed him and he was there for her. Everything changed.

There was a new electricity between them that was addictive. And try as they might to not let it get physical, it did. It did over and over and over again. It was so much better than married people sex and neither one of them could get enough of it.

Soon the addiction of their affair started disrupting their lives. They would show up late to school functions because they had been squeezing in a quickie. Or they would manufacture late-night runs to the grocery store to spend time together.

Their relationships with their friends, at work, with their children and, of course, with their spouses suffered.

They tried to break it off. They knew the destruction it was causing. But, they just couldn ‘ t let go of the way that they felt when they were together.

My client hated herself. The tug of war between the emotional, sexual woman who she was in the throes of the affair and the person she was as a wife and a mother was killing her. She lost 20 pounds, stopped sleeping, cut off her friends, and ultimately had a nervous breakdown.

The thing that started off so magically almost killed her.

#4 – It will be almost impossible to walk away.

Many people enter into affairs thinking that it will be brief thing. ‘ ˜We will just have sex once and that will be it ‘ is often the thought process.

Unfortunately, once you have started an affair it is almost impossible to walk away from it. Once you have sex with another man, once you have crossed that threshold, there will be no turning back.

The person who you are in the affair, the one who is loved and loving, who is having great sex, who is appreciated and taken care of, the one who feels alive for the first time in years, will do anything to not have to go back to being the person they were before.

As a result, affairs often last until someone is caught because breaking away is virtually impossible. You might succeed for a few weeks or months but staying away is very hard. Personally, I don ‘ t know anyone who has succeeded, unless they are caught, and even then it’s very difficult.

#5 – It will change your life in a big way, in more ways than one.

When someone finally starts noticing who they are in the world, they start recognizing not only the need for a big change.

A client of mine had been miserable in her marriage for a long time. She tells the story about the first time a friend told her to leave her husband as they were driving their sons home from preschool. Their sons are now sophomores in college.

She fell madly in love ‘ ” and lust ‘ ” with a man she worked with. She went through the incredible highs, sure she had found the love of her life, and then, ultimately, she crashed and burned because that great love turned out to be just another man. Before she knew it, she had lost a year of her life and of her children ‘ s life. She was wrecked.

She did see, at the end of that year, having lived through the joys and the pain of love, lust, and deep emotion, that she had to leave her husband. The words that wouldn ‘ t come out of her mouth for 20 years came out readily ‘ ” and with conviction.

She knew that she would die, literally and figuratively, if she didn ‘ t get rid of the toxic men in her life and start building a life that would feed her soul. Her affair, and it ‘ s after-effects, gave her the power to do that.

If you are considering having an affair, think carefully before you do.

While affairs seem like they are all about sex, they are so much more. They will build you up and then tear you down in a way you could never have imagined.

You will become addicted to and obsessed with your affair in a way you have never been obsessed before.

Your affair will, in more ways than one, change your life forever.

So, tread lightly, my friend, and be careful. I know he seems like your soulmate but really, he is just another man. Do you want to risk your life for him?

Are you considering having an affair?
Think it through first and let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

What Are Relationship Boundaries And When Are They Appropriate?

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Have you been told that relationship boundaries are important? Do you wonder exactly what ARE relationship boundaries?

Are you eager to implement some but do you have no idea where to start?

Let me help!

To understand healthy relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy relationship boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your relationship as it grows. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Healthy relationship boundaries come in many shapes, sizes and colors and they are essential and appropriate for every relationship, whether it be new and exciting or more settled and safe.

It ‘ s important for each couple to decide what works for them but there are a few boundaries that are essential for every healthy relationship.

#1 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many relationships it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven a relationship changes.

So, make an effort to keep the decision-making even in the relationship. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your relationship become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#2 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in a relationship is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships.

Examples of acting with contempt are rolling your eyes when your partner says something, criticizing their clothing, belittling their expressions. Does any of that sound familiar to you? Are you guilty of doing this at times? DON ‘ T. Contempt will kill a relationship faster than almost anything else.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ tcommunicatingand giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#3 – Don ‘ t lose yourselves.

So many women, when they are in a relationship, become less of themselves.

Many women take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all womenstay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and, if you are anything other than your true self, your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So, be yourself in your relationship. Ahealthy relationshiprequires it.

#4 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#5 – Be flexible.

I have a client who recently bought a house for herself and her boyfriend moved in with her. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy relationship.

So, embrace flexibility. Choose the things that are important to you and stay true to them but be willing to see what might be important to your man and work with him so that you both can live a life that makes you happy. Together and apart.

Examining what are healthy relationship boundaries is an excellent way to ensure that you have a good strong relationship that will last forever.

Relationships are built from two people who have two separate lives and two separate ways of living. It is important that the couple build a new life together. A new life with four walls that will keep it safe and strong.

So, don ‘ t let one of you be in charge, respect each other, like yourself, spend time apart and be flexible.

Talk to your partner and build your house from a place of love and beauty and self-confidence, one that will be strong enough to stand the test of time and allow your relationship to be a healthy one.

You can do it!

Are you struggling with establishing boundaries in your relationship?
I know it can be really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

Why Women Struggle With Letting Go of a Toxic Love

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A few years back I was in a relationship that was not good for me. The man I loved was bad for me in so many ways but I just couldn ‘ t leave him. Or if I did manage to leave him he would reappear a few days or weeks later and suck me back in. And I let him. Over and over and over.

Looking back, I have wondered why this was so. Why I just couldn ‘ t let go. I think I have figured it out and want to share what I have learned with you.

#1 – We are afraid of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand that we will NEVER find another man to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold onto the one we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience, there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are staying in your toxic relationship because you believe that if you leave you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a guy out there for you, a guy who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#2 – We don ‘ t feel great about ourselves.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of good love and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be the lowering of self -esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittled for any perceived shortcomings and know, deep down, that we aren ‘ t being treated well.

And if we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves we attract men who don ‘ t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#3 – We can ‘ t break the pattern.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enough how big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in relationship. When a relationship is new and good we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our brains. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Those are the patterns that keep us with our toxic loves.

Interestingly, even the breaking up and getting back together gets routine. With my toxic relationship, I would break up with him and then, like clockwork, in 8 weeks he would reach out to me and before I knew it I was back where I started. I can ‘ t tell you how many times that happened.

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8 week mark you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays.

#4 – We blame ourselves.

One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years my client has asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years he has promised to and hasn ‘ t. She is beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go they could be happy. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she truly questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for not letting go of your toxic love? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your man is making your life difficult and, while you might play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#5 – We feel like our connection is like none other.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your man is like none other. That the intense passion and connection that you share can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this man might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of it.

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of your toxic love then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic.

I did.

Letting go of toxic love is very difficult. Probably one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life miserable more often then he makes you happy?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that, for me, finally getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something that you can start doing right now!

If you have made it this far you must really be struggling to get away from a toxic love.
Let me help you, NOW, before the you get any more hurt!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

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