Don’t Let an Ex’s Infidelity Sabotage Your New Relationship!

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Have you started seeing the most amazing person but are you realizing that you are letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship?

Did learning that your ex cheated devastate you and leave you with residual PTSD and trust issues?

Struggling with past infidelity is common for people when they get into a new relationship after their old one is torn apart by an affair.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to get over the past and move on to find the happiness you seek.

#1 – Get help.

If your ex ‘ s infidelity is affecting your new relationship, then you most likely have trust issues. You don ‘ t believe that someone else wouldn ‘ t do to you what has been done before.

The best way to get rid of those trust issues is by talking to someone, either a therapist or a life coach. These professionals can help you process why those trust issues exist and help you with tools to manage them so that they don ‘ t control your life or destroy your new relationship.

If you aren ‘ t comfortable talking to someone, do some research online. There are lots of articles out there that will help you dig into your trust issues and teach you how to manage them.

What you shouldn ‘ t do is talk to your friends about these issues. Your friends were probably there for you when you were struggling and they might encourage you to be distrustful of a new person, especially if they too have been cheated on in the past.

Friends are great but they often bring their own stuff into a conversation and that won ‘ t help you get past those trust issues so that you can have thehealthy relationship you want.

#2 – Consider your role in the old relationship.

Infidelity doesn ‘ t happen in a void – there are two partners in every relationship and their issues are usually the result of both parties. I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex cheated but your relationship was fragile enough that your partner strayed, trying to find something that was missing.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetriedish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my relationships since then, I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take a look at your behaviors in your new relationship and make sure that you aren ‘ t repeating ancient history yourself.

#3 – Don ‘ t project old stuff on your new partner.

You have a new partner. They are a wonderful partner. You fell in love with them for a reason. They aren ‘ t your old partner.

One of the biggest challenges innew relationships is that we bring our baggage into it. The feelings about things that happened in the past come with us into that relationship and can wreak havoc when they do so.

If you have done some trust work outside of this relationship it will make it easier for you to recognize that this new person is someone who you can trust until they have shown you otherwise. They are not your old partner, this is not your old relationship and you aren ‘ t the same person you were before.

Even if you haven ‘ t gotten past your trust issues with your ex, you can work to recognize this – that your partner is not your ex and that you can love and trust themuntilthey do something that would make you question them.

#4 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

A key part of trusting someone is communication. If you have insecurities about your partners infidelity, it is important that you address them up front by talking about them.

It is important that your new person know that you have these trust issues, that you have suffered some trauma from the past infidelity. It is also important that they know that you will work to trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

If you suspect that they are doing something that makes them untrustworthy, it is important that you consider whether or not what you are perceiving they are doing is in your head or if there is tangible proof that what you suspect is true.

I have a client whose new partner is SURE that he is cheating on her with his old girlfriend. And how does he know that she thinks this? Because she is talking to their friends about it, not to him. He isn ‘ t cheating but, because she won ‘ t talk to him about it, she has this image in her head that he is cheating, one that might be snuffed out if she discussed it with him.

So, if you are struggling letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship, talk to your person. It will help you manage your fears and hopefully move youforward towards a healthier relationship.

#5 – Have hope.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe that, after all that you have been through, you could possibly have a healthy relationship. You have been cheated on, maybe repeatedly, which probably made your self-esteem plummet and to question who you are in the world.

Why, you think, would anyone ever love you again?

Don ‘ t let yourself believe that! Infidelity happens for a variety of reasons but none of them is because you are a bad person, because you are unloveable. Relationships are hard and they can end badly but that doesn ‘ t make you less than. That makes you human.

It is essential that you work to believe that you are worthy andloveableand amazing and that your new partner would be a fool to cheat on you. Talk to your friends and family, to people who love you, so that you can have a clearer picture of how wonderful you are and how lucky your new partner is to have you.

Because it ‘ s true – you do deserve to be happy!

Knowing how to not let an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship is the key to finding happiness.

If you can get some help managing your trust issues, if you can take stock of your role in your failed relationships, if you can push back on your comparing your new person to your ex, if you can communicate with them before issues occur and if you can believe that you deserve to be happy, your new relationship will flourish and you can live happily ever after.

I know that it might not be easy, but you can do it and you can be happy just like you deserve to be!

5 Reasons Why He Won’t Let You Break Up with Him

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Are you and your boyfriend absolutely miserable and yet, even so, he won ‘ t let you break up with him?

Do you try repeatedly to walk out the door, or ask him to leave, only to have him refuse to leave or refuse to stay away?

Are you going crazy, trying to get out of this relationship and move on?

There are a few reasons why he won ‘ t let you break up with him and understanding them might help you figure out a way to get rid of him for good!

#1 – He wants the power.

When you try to break up with your boyfriend, does he say ‘ ˜ You won ‘ t be doing the leaving ‘ ¦I will. ‘ Does he refuse to respect your wants and needs because it ‘ s all about him?

I have a client who has been having an affair for years and she wants, more than anything, to end it. Whenever she tries, he threatens her, swearing that he will be the only one who decides when they are over. And he usually walks out, only to reappear a few days or weeks later, like nothing had happened.

If your guy wants the power, I would encourage you to dig deep and get some power of your own. If he doesn ‘ t want to leave, you leave, even if only for a few weeks. If he leaves and then tries to worm his way back in, don ‘ t let him. And if you can ‘ t be strong enough to keep him away, try making his life miserable. That just might do the trick.

You have power in this relationship, and in your life. Use it!

#2 – He wants someone to take care of him.

Every guy just wants to be taken care of. No matter how successful or independent they are, having someone tend to their needs is a key part of their happiness.

Imagine if you broke up with him – who would take care of him?

I have a client who took care of her man in a big way. She paid for the furniture for his apartment. She cooked and cleaned and walked the dogs. She was always there, waiting for him when he got home after work. She loved taking care of him, so she did.

As time went on, she felt like he was taking her for granted. He stopped coming home to spend time with her. When he was home, he was crabby. She continued to take care of him but was getting nothing in return. Soon, she decided that she was done.

Whenever she broached the subject of breaking up with him, he begged her to stay. He made promises that he would change, promises of love and forever. And so she stayed and continued to take care of him. And he went right back to taking her for granted.

Guys need someone to take care of them. One reason why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is because he doesn ‘ t want to lose his chief bottle washer.

So, what do you do? You stop taking care of him. That should do the trick.

#3 – He likes the sex.

We all know that men are very much driven by sex. That they think about it 24 hours a day and that they will do almost anything to have easy access to it whenever they can.

And that means you.

If you break up with him, he will no longer have access to the sex that he craves. Instead of coming home to you every night, he will have to make an effort to get some. And, while men love sex, making an effort to get it isn ‘ t always an option.

Furthermore, sex that is the result of conflict, which is often ever-present when people are trying to break up, is really good sex. So why would he walk away from that now?

The cure for this issue – no more sex. Period.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Be honest – isn ‘ t one reason why you have struggled to break up with him because you are wavering a bit? Does the idea of putting yourself back out there and having to date again make you almost wish that you could just stay and make the best of it?

I am guessing yes. And it ‘ s the exact same for guys. Dating is a drag – why would he want to put himself through that, especially if you are taking care of him and having sex with him.

I would encourage you to stop making his home life so comfortable. Start going out with your friends and not sitting around waiting for him. Try to rebuild your single life so that when you are actually out, you are ready to hit the dating ground running!

#5 – He is embarrassed.

Many men are very prideful. To look good in the eyes of others, especially other men, is what drives him to succeed. If you want to break up with him, instead of the other way around, then he loses face.

I have a client whose boyfriend offered to let her break up with him but only if she continued to make appearances for Sunday night dinner at his folks’. He had been through a few relationships before and his brothers gave him a lot of grief about it. The idea of having to take more because his girlfriend had broken up with him filled him with dread. He didn ‘ t want to face it.

Is your guy embarrassed that you are breaking up with him? Is he embarrassed that he has another failed relationship? Has his pride been damaged, big time?

If the answer is yes, I would encourage you to talk to your guy about how you can manage this break up in a way that won ‘ t make him lose face. That way, he can walk away with his head held high, not embarrassed that things didn ‘ t work out, again.

Knowing why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is the key to understanding how you can do so.

He doesn ‘ t want to let go because he wants you to take care of him and to have sex with him. He wants the power to do the breaking up or perhaps he is embarrassed that it ‘ s even an issue. And he doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Now that you know why he won ‘ t let you break up with him, you can take the steps that you need to take, to take back your power, to stop giving without receiving and to make sure that dating again is more appealing than staying with you!

The only way that you are going to find the love and happiness that you desire is if you can get out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but you can do it!

 

Why An Emotionally Strong Woman Gets the Relationship She Wants

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Being an emotionally strong woman is the goal of every woman I know. And it should be.

We are all plagued with emotional issues from our past and present and, as a result, they can bring us down. They can make it impossible for us to be our true selves and get the life and the love that we want.

There are ways to get to be an emotionally strong woman – click this link to learn more.

In my work with clients, educating them on why emotionally strong woman gets what she wants every time is the best motivation for striving to be one!

Here are 5 reasons why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time!

#1 – She knows what she wants ‘ ¦

The number one defining trait of an emotionally strong woman is that she knows what she wants. An emotionally strong woman has taken the time to define what is important to her so that she can live the life she wants to live.

Instead of saying she wants ‘ ˜to be happy ‘ in her relationship, she is more specific. She wants quality time, she wants to feel loved, she wants to trust her person and she wants open communication.

Once she knows what she wants, she can go after it. She can ask her partner for quality time, she can help him understand what she needs to feel loved, she can speak up if she feels like he is being dishonest and she can encourage both of them to communicate effectively.

If you can take the time to figure out what you want, you will be one step closer to being the emotionally strong woman you want to be.

#2 – ‘ ¦and she is willing to ask for it.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients have some sense of what they want in a relationship but find that they are unwilling, or unable, to ask for it.

They say they want quality time but they pretend they are ok when their partner goes out AGAIN. They say they want trust but don ‘ t speak up when they are being deceived. Instead of encouraging conversation, they are passive aggressive and close down when they are upset.

An essential part of being an emotionally strong woman means not only knowing what you want but also being able to reach out and take it.

Can you stand up for yourself in a relationship? Can you tell your partner what you want/need and not settle for anything less? If you can, you are being an emotionally strong woman, one who can find the love and happiness that she desires.

#3 – She values herself.

I have a client who is a psychiatrist. She has been professionally trained to help people process their thoughts and work through issues. She is very good at what she does.

Unfortunately, when she gets into a relationship she brings her training with her.

And what happens? She gives and she gives and she gives to her partner, helping them process their stuff. She wants to help them find health and happiness, just like she does her clients. And, in the process, she lets herself get sucked dry.

An emotionally strong woman will make sure that she values herself in a relationship. That she is willing to love but also to be loved. She does things for her person but allows things be done for her too. She knows that she deserves to be loved and respected and she won ‘ t settle for anything less.

What are you like in a relationship? Do you give and give and give and expect nothing in return? Is doing so sucking you dry? If yes, take a step back and start asking for what you need. If your partner isn ‘ t willing to try to give it to you, walk away.

An emotionally strong woman would do just that!

#4 – She has control of her emotions.

Are you one of those people who gets angered easily? Does it take no more than a few eyerolls to trigger you to yell and scream?

Are you someone who cries at the drop of the hat? Someone who no one can talk to because you are so sensitive and fragile?

Are you someone who gets up and walks away when something isn ‘ t going the way you want it to?

An emotionally strong doesn ‘ t do any of those things. An emotionally strong woman takes a deep breath when she feels anger coming up. She doesn ‘ t stifle her tears but she doesn ‘ t let them interfere with processing an issue. And she never, never walks away from a situation. She stays and she deals and she settles things.

Pay attention to your emotions. Having control of them will help you get the life and the love that you want.

#5 – She doesn ‘ t waste any time.

‘ ˜Life is short ‘ is the motto of any emotionally strong woman.

Have you been stuck in a toxic relationship, hoping for things to change, hoping for things to go back to the way they were, hoping that your person will just become the person you know they could be? Have you been waiting for days, months or even years for this to happen?

An emotionally strong woman doesn ‘ t do that. An emotionally strong woman identifies the issues in her relationship, is proactive in trying to fix them and, if she can ‘ t, she walks away.

No excuses about how she isn ‘ t a quitter or how if she just loves him enough he will change. She recognizes when done is done and moves on.

And that is why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time. Because she knows that the longer she sticks around, the less likely it is that she will find the love that she wants and deserves.

So now you understand why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time.

She knows exactly what she wants and isn ‘ t afraid to ask for it. She values herself, she controls her emotions and she doesn ‘ t waste any time.

I hope this article has been inspirational for you, that you have seen that getting the life that you want is possible – you just need to find that strong inner you!

She is in there! I promise!

Why Having Sex with Your Ex Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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I know that you want some – we all need sex – but having sex with your ex is not the answer.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. Having sex with your ex, believe it or not, can make them both worse.

Obviously, break ups happen when there are issues in a relationship and they usually happen after a lot of hurt from both sides. Letting go of each other, while it might be painful, is often a necessary course of action.

Surprisingly, conflict in a relationship can enhance attraction to each other. As a result, exes often go back to each for sex, even after a nasty break up.

And when they do, disaster ensues.

So, why is having sex with your ex a really bad idea? Let me tell you why.

#1 – It ‘ s confusing and anxiety producing.

When we break up with someone, it is always for a reason. We leave or we are left or the decision is mutual. Whatever the reason, we break up.

If you start having sex with your ex, the break up lines are blurred.

If you did the leaving, why are you going back? Are you lonely, bored, horny or are you going back because you regret your decision?

If you were left, does having sex with your ex give you hope that you might get back together? Does it make you happy because you get to spend some time with your ex because if theymight bewith someone else?

If the decision was mutual, does having sex with your ex feel confusing? I mean, you were a couple and you were attached romantically and now you are having sex – not making love? How does that feel?

With few exceptions, being friends, much less friends with benefits, only brings more pain. It confuses people and drags out hurt feelings.

Whether you did the breaking up or are broken up with, walk away. Move on. There is no point wasting time in a physical relationship where the boundaries are blurred and can lead, ultimately, to more pain.

#2 – Fractured attachments.

As I said above, relationships involve sex AND emotion. In a relationship, you are having sex, maybe even great sex, but your heart is also involved. There is nothing more wonderful than making love to someone you care about.

Sex is different, for everyone. For men, sex is often not much more than just a physical release. I had a client who had sex with his soon to be ex-wife the night before their final therapy session. I asked him why. He said that he wouldn ‘ t turn down any opportunity to have sex.

She wanted the marriage to work – he did not. He had sex with her anyway.

I don ‘ t know my client ‘ s ex but I am guessing that when he came to the house and was interested in having sex with her, she believed that the sex could be a signal that he wanted to get back together. I am guessing that when he left, and expressed no indication that he wanted a reunion in therapy the next day, that she was more devastated than ever.

This couple who had been married for 30 years and shared 4 adult children, were devasting each other, beyond their divorce, by continuing their sexual relationship.

#3 – You can ‘ t move on.

I don ‘ t know about you but one of the reasons that I would put myself out to date after a break up was because I was horny. I hadn ‘ t had sex for a while and was motivated to go through the whole dating thing in the hopes of meeting someone special and, well, getting laid.

I know that, if I had been having sex with my ex, I would have been getting what I needed, physically, and might not have been motivated to get out there and find something real.

Furthermore, whether it was you who wanted the break up or your ex, neither of you will be given a chance to move on and find happiness if you are still entangled with each other.

If having sex with your ex keeps you from moving on and finding love, doesn ‘ t that sound like a REALLY bad idea?

#4 – Recurring issues.

You and your ex broke up. You broke up for one, or many reasons. You are no longer a couple because you just weren ‘ t right for each other.

Unfortunately, staying intimate with our ex can only lead to those issues being raised over and over, being hashed out again with no change, and feelings being hurt again and again.

I have had sex with an ex before and, while it was fun, I know that the behaviors that I didn ‘ t like about my ex, like the fact that he would disappear on Sundays or always sent terse texts or that he was vocally conservative, were still there. When we had sex after our break up, those things bugged me, more than ever because I wasn ‘ t as emotionally involved.

So, I would snap and he would get defensive and I would, more likely than not, storm out, angry, promising myself that I would never do this again. And then, one week later, after a call from him, there I would be, naked in bed, no longer horny but definitely irritated.

Lay those issues to rest. Move on.

#5 – Loss of self-respect.

For many people, having sex with your ex can lead to dramatically decreased self-esteem, especially if one person did the leaving.

I know that when I had sex with an ex who I wished I was still with, a guy who basically ignored me until he was horny, I always felt worse after it. I would be so excited in the anticipation but then, when it was over, I was devastated. I knew I was being used, I knew that I was being pathetic and I was embarrassed by my weakness.

After a few months of this, my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I have also seen this happening with couples who have sex with each other even if their break up was amiable. They enjoy getting together but know that they are doing so even if there is no future. They know that it ‘ s holding them back from moving on and finding happiness. They know that, while the sex might be great, they are with a person they really don ‘ t want to be with. And that ultimately doesn ‘ t feel good at all.

So, pay attention to your self-esteem if you are having sex with your ex. I am guessing that it ‘ s not as great as you would like it to be.

Having sex with your ex is a REALLY bad idea because relationships and break ups are complicated and involving sex in the equation only makes things worse.

If you are having sex with your ex, think about the signals that are being sent. Are you both on the same page about what the sex means? Is it keeping you attached in a negative way and preventing you from moving on? Is it bringing up recurring issues and damaging your self-esteem?

Taking a good look at your relationship with your ex and the effect that the sex is having on you and your ex will help you see that having sex after a break up is, more often than not, a horrible idea.

5 Ways to Stay Calm During an Argument with Your Spouse

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Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.

I mean, how many of us have been in a knock down drag out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.

How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing.

There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.

Here are my 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

I know that this seems like aclichébut taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.

When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded.

To counter act this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.

As an example, picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a tractor trailer. I am guessing that you, like me, are gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so. I have discovered that, if I take a deep breath as I pass, my heart stops pounding and I loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see what I mean.

So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.

#2 – Step back but don ‘ t storm out.

A friend of mine once told me that before I react to something that someone has done to me, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to them about it. And if you do, I am guessing that you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.

Sometimes it ‘ s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. I don ‘ t mean to storm off in a huff but to pause, go walk the dog and consider next steps.

Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a knock down drag out really change anything or would a conversation be more productive?

Yesterday I was a furious at my step-father ‘ s new girlfriend for throwing away my mom ‘ s stuff. I reached for the phone to rip her a new one. But then I told myself to pause, finish what I was doing, and then see if I wanted to reach out.

2 hours later I was able to craft a text message that addressed my issues briefly and succinctly. I was able to walk away from the issue knowing that I had kept my calm and reminded her that she violated an existing agreement that she wouldn ‘ t throw my mom ‘ s things away.

So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.

#3 – Don ‘ t take things personally.

For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all.

I have a client who, every time she and her spouse got into something, she immediately reverted back to the idea that he blamed her for everything that was at issue. That he was judging her for whatever had happened and that he thought her incapable of handing things.

As result, their arguments would get out of control and were, therefore, completely unproductive.

When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you?

If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn ‘ t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm in the moment.

#4 – Don ‘ t hold onto soundbites.

You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn ‘ t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward.

Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.

Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘ ˜You always do this. You are a mama ‘ s boy and always put her needs first. ‘ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband makes his mother a priority over you, the fact that you called your spouse a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ could be something that your husband zeros in on to hold over your head during the argument. So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are around his relationship with his mother.

Which will get you nowhere.

So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn ‘ t truly mean that your husband was a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.

#5 – Don ‘ t raise your voice.

Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice.

When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instinctscomes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose.

Instead of yelling, I would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere.

If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don ‘ t have to happen again and again and again.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article, you are eager to change the pattern in your marital spats. So, remember to take deep breaths so that you can think clearer, to step away for a moment, or an hour, to reassess. To try to not to take things personally and hold on to soundbites. And try, really hard, not to yell.

I know that you can do this. We all can make change with awareness. Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.

Feeling Down in the Dumps? 7 Practical Tips to Improve Your Mood

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You know those days when you are feeling completely down in the dumps?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Feeling down in the dumps, more often than not, means that you are struggling with some kind of depression. I know the word is scary but it doesn’t have to be.

Knowing how to deal with it can help you move past it and live the life you want!

Let me help you manage the depression. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

From Dumps to Delight: 7 Strategies to Boost Your Mood

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result of your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also be caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, your inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and we cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed, I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed, you are ready.

#3 – Control your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there, and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option, but I just get more depressed when I try and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Get outside.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to get outside and go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two birds with one stone. Or rather, three!

Walking encourages deep breathing, which calms you down quickly. Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5- Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you instead of having them rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with people who love you.

I know. When you are feeling down in the dumps, one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#7 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems, and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse, which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day, and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling down in the dumps more often than not, it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend, and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

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There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

5 Signs That it’s Time to Break Up With Someone

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Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone who is making you miserable?

Are you unhappy in your relationship but perhaps rationalizing why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else?

Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again?

Let me help you.

Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that ‘ s hard to let go of.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time to end your relationship and move on.

#1 – Can you talk about things?

Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding about what is being said. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They aren ‘ t able to address issues and so they fester.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you don ‘ t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.

#2 – Are you getting mixed messages?

Is your person alternating hot and cold?

Do some days they seem like their loving self and then on others are they crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Are they one moment kind and loving and then another dismissive and condescending?

Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses?

Is the way they are treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?

People who are ‘ ˜all in ‘ in a relationship don ‘ t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh word, but people in healthy relationships, in general, treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors.

If your person makes you feel constantly off kilter and anxious, it is definitely a sign that it might be time to let them go.

#3 – Does history keeps repeating itself?

Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your person tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

Do you fight over the same subjects over and over?

Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one, or both, of you try?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to let break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.

#4 – Are you staying for the wrong reasons?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can ‘ t let this person go because you believe if you do that you will never love, or be loved, again?

Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread?

Perhaps you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don ‘ t believe in giving up?

Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough?

If you are staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you are staying for the wrong reasons.

Know that, you will only find the love and happiness you seek if you can let go of someone who is wrong for you and move forward to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

#5 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life has to revolve around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he is gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home and watch what he wants to watch every night.

She has been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

She doesn ‘ t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that is making her miserable.

Make sure that, when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

Make sure that you are making choices for how you want to live your life and that you aren ‘ t being controlled by your partner.

If you have lost yourself and your life is out of you control, perhaps it ‘ s time to break up with someone who has made it that way.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone because you suspect, deep down, that this relationship will only make you miserable.

But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy.

I can promise you that holding onto to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, to a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can really love you the way that you want to be loved!

You can do this! I promise.

To help you let go of love and move on, I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it to be just the thing you need to take that first step towards the rest of your life!

5 Ways to Forgive Someone Who Has Had an Affair

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If you have just found out that your partner has cheated, I am guessing that you are asking yourself how to forgive someone who has had an affair.

I mean, your person has betrayed you. The person you love and want to be with has been with someone else.

And you wonder if you will ever be able to get past it. Ever be able to be happy with your person again.

I can tell you that it is possible to forgive someone who has had an affair, but that it will take some time and effort.

If forgiveness is something that you actively seek, here are 5 things that you can do to get there.

#1 – Ask yourself if and why you really want this.

You have been betrayed. You are devastated. You are angry. You are sad.

And you probably want, more than anything, to go back to that time when you didn ‘ t know your partner had cheated because you were happy then.

So, let me ask you, are you seeking to forgive your partner so that your life can get back to normal? Or are you seeking to forgive your partner because you want to move forward with your partner toward a healthy relationship?

Forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean burying your head in the sand so that you can get back to the way things were. Doing so will only prolong your pain and any chance of recovery.

Once you are clear on why you want to work to forgive, it is important that you decide whether or not forgiveness is something that you are determined to achieve. This process won ‘ t be easy, and it ‘ s going to take determination and work to get to that place where you can forgive and move forward.

So, take a good hard look at whether you think you can get to a place of forgiveness. You might find that you aren ‘ t sure if you can get there yet but that you are ok taking the first steps down the road. Take it one step at a time, reevaluating as you go along if forgiveness is possible.

#2 – Talk to your partner ‘ ¦

It is essential that you and your partner discuss what has happened.

There has been a betrayal, and there is a serious breach of trust between the two of you. And for you to be able to move forward, your partner needs to acknowledge what has happened and accept responsibility.

Many people, after they have cheated, refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of saying, ‘ ˜yes, I did it, ‘ they lie, they deny, they blame, they justify.

You will find it very difficult to forgive someone who doesn ‘ t acknowledge their actions and the effect that it has had on you.

It is essential that you and your partner are able to talk honestly about what happened so that can have the opportunity to forgive. If your partner doubles down and refuses to discuss it, you will be left with nothing but questions and pain, which will make forgiveness impossible.

#3 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t ask for details.

I have a client who, once she found out that her husband was having an affair, insisted that he let her read all of the correspondence between him and his lover. Boy, did she regret it?

On top of the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her, after reading the texts, she had insight into the intimacies they shared. His declaration that he needed to be with his lover, his lover saying deprecating things about my client, their plans for going away together, and talk of the future were all devastating to see.

And once she had seen them, she could never unsee them.

What happened next? Even though she wanted to forgive him, even though he was willing to take responsibility for what happened, and even though they sought help, the words that she read stayed in her head, playing themselves over and over and over. As a result, she was never able to reach the forgiveness that they both hoped she would achieve and their marriage ended.

So, talk to your partner but don ‘ t ask for details. If you do, you might very well regret it.

#4 – Get help.

It is important that you get help processing what happened with your partner.

You have been betrayed by the person you loved. You are most likely furious, but you are also devastated. You might even blame yourself. All of these things are things that, if left unmanaged, can hinder your ability to forgive and only plunge you down into a darker place.

I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist or a life coach, to process what has happened, to take a look at your role in it, to define steps that you, personally, need to take to work through this and to hold yourself accountable to do so.

If you actively want to forgive someone who has had an affair, get some help. Don ‘ t just talk to your friends about what happened. They will tell you what you want to hear, which won ‘ t help you move forward and might even hinder it.

#5 – Consider couple ‘ s counseling.

Ok, you have decided that you are going to work to try to forgive your partner for what happened. You have talked about it together, and you have done some work on your own to process what you are going through and how to take care of yourself.

Now comes this very important part. Counseling.

Ugh, I know. Counseling sounds so horrible, and for many people, the embarrassment around an affair is enough to make them avoid therapy at all costs.

But, the affair didn ‘ t happen in a void. There was something missing or amiss in your relationship that opened up the door for cheating. And this thing is important to identify.

Furthermore, a therapist can help the betrayer understand how the betrayed feels, which I have found is a key to forgiveness – knowing that the person truly understands the effect the cheating had on them.

I know that your instinct is to try to work through this together without help. I am guessing that your partner, particularly, doesn ‘ t want to go down this road with a professional but getting some guidance when working through this is the key to being able to forgive someone who has had an affair.

Learning how to forgive someone who has had an affair is not an easy thing.

What has happened is big – almost like a death – and dealing with it will take time and work.

Not everyone can reach a place of forgiveness, and if that is you, it ‘ s ok. It ‘ s ok to want to move forward alone, so don ‘ t judge yourself for deciding to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to forgive and move forward, it ‘ s definitely worth trying, so go for it! You might just find a happier, healthier relationship on the other side!

Am I Depressed or Just Sad? 5 Key Signs To Watch For

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Many of us, when we are feeling down about our lives or ourselves, wonder if we are depressed or just sad. Should we be worried about our mood or should we just ride it out? ‘

There is a fine line between being sad and being depressed. Knowing the differences is key to knowing how to manage and treat how you are feeling.

While there are many different variations of depression, there are two fundamental forms. Chemical depression, is depression caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, one that is often genetic or the result of trauma. Situational depression is usually a short-term sadness, often brought on by a life event.

Which one are you struggling with? There are some ways to tell.

Here are 5 Signs To Know That You Are Depressed Or Just Sad:

#1 – Has something happened?

One way to tell if you are depressed or just sad is to consider what is happening in your life right now.

Has your dog died? Is a parent sick? Have you lost your job? Did you have a car accident?

Sometimes, life events happen that make us feel overwhelmed and sad. It happens. And the result of those life events can cause situational depression, a short-term feeling of depression, one that feels bad but will most likely pass.

The key thing to ask yourself, if you are wondering if you are depressed or just sad, is if you felt this way before this thing, or things, happened or did your mood change because of the event. If you were fine before the event happened, then you are most likely just sad and the depression will pass with time.

If you were feeling this way before, you just might be dealing with chemical depression so read on!

#2 – Have you been feeling down for a while?

Of course, after your dog dies, you are going to feel sad for a while. Just looking at the chair that they slept on can send you down into a dark hole. But, with time, while the pain and sadness is still there, it will ease and you will be able to go on with your life.

If you find that you aren ‘ t feeling better with time but in fact are feeling the same or worse, then it could be that you are dealing with a chemical depression. Depression is caused by something more systemic than a life event.

So, try to look back on the past few days, weeks, months and years and see where your moods have been. Have you been up and down, as life throws its curveballs at you, or do you find that you have been down more often than up?

If you can ‘ t remember how the past period of time has been, start keeping a mood chart. Keep track, on a daily basis, of how your mood is.

On a scale of 1-10, keep track of where your mood is each day, 10 being great, and 1 being horrible. This way, you will have a record of your moods, and you can watch what happens to them.

If you are consistently below a 5, then that ‘ s a piece of information. If you are up and down the whole spectrum, that ‘ s another piece of information.

You can use this information to help yourself, your doctor or your friends understand what is happening with your moods so that you can figure out how to deal with them.

#3 – Are you feeling hopeless?

The hallmark of chemical depression is hopelessness. That feeling that you will never be happy again, that you will never love or be loved, that life isn ‘ t worth living and why should you even bother, anyway. I am not saying you are suicidal (although you might be), but you are definitely questioning everything that life has to offer.

When we are struggling with sadness with situational depression, generally, our outlook isn ‘ t hopeless. When my dog died, I was sad, but I didn ‘ t struggle with questioning my life or examining my choices. I was just sad that she wasn ‘ t here with me, and I missed her. I miss her still, but now I have a cat, and I am happy.

So, if you find that you are struggling with hopelessness and despair, you might consider that you are struggling with more than just sadness and that it ‘ s time to get help.

#4 – Is it getting worse?

Depression gets worse the longer it goes untreated. It ‘ s a sad fact, but it ‘ s true.

Do you find that your depression is worsening over time? Has it come and gone in recent years but are you finding that it is present more often than not? Are you finding it harder to deal with than before?

Usually, when we are sad, our sadness doesn ‘ t progressively get worse. Instead, it gets better. When my mom died, the first few weeks and months were incredibly painful. I was sad sad, sad. But, as life has gone on and time has passed, my sadness has lessened. Yes, I still have moments when I am deeply sad but that sadness passes. It certainly hasn ‘ t gotten worse.

If you find that your down mood is getting worse and not better, you might definitely be struggling with depression and learning how to manage it is important.

#5 – Does depression run in your family?

In my family, depression goes back generations. My great-grandfather was institutionalized for 40 years and my grandfather was subjected to horrific treatments in the 50 ‘ s. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 42 and learned then that, in many cases, depression, and other mood disorders, are passed down in the family.

Of course, families can struggle with situational depression. My siblings and my kids were as devastated as I was about my mom ‘ s death and we all struggled. But we have all been able to move forward and not have the sadness affect our lives.

Consider your family. Does your mother or your sister struggle with their moods? Does your dad get angry easily or your child disappear into their rooms some days? It is very likely that, if someone else in your family struggles like you do, then you very well might be chemically depressed and it might be time to get help.

Knowing if you are depressed or just sad is a key part to figuring out how to manage it.

If you find that nothing significant has happened in your life, that your hopelessness has been with you for a while and is getting worse, and if mood disorders run in your family, then you might be struggling with chemical depression. And if you are dealing with chemical depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to see what kind of treatment they might recommend to help you manage it.

If you are sad because of a recent loss in your life or something that has happened but your sadness hasn ‘ t lasted for a long time or is getting worse, then you might be dealing with situational depression. I would encourage you to take care of yourself, eat and sleep well, exercise and see if it passes with time.

If it doesn ‘ t, again, reach out to your primary care doctor and see what they might recommend to help you get through this rough period of time.

Depression and sadness don ‘ t have to hold you back from living your life! Face them head on, learn how to manage them and move forward. You will be ok!

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