5 Ways to Stay Calm During an Argument with Your Spouse

/by


Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.

I mean, how many of us have been in a knock down drag out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.

How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing.

There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.

Here are my 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

I know that this seems like aclichébut taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.

When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded.

To counter act this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.

As an example, picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a tractor trailer. I am guessing that you, like me, are gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so. I have discovered that, if I take a deep breath as I pass, my heart stops pounding and I loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see what I mean.

So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.

#2 – Step back but don ‘ t storm out.

A friend of mine once told me that before I react to something that someone has done to me, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to them about it. And if you do, I am guessing that you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.

Sometimes it ‘ s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. I don ‘ t mean to storm off in a huff but to pause, go walk the dog and consider next steps.

Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a knock down drag out really change anything or would a conversation be more productive?

Yesterday I was a furious at my step-father ‘ s new girlfriend for throwing away my mom ‘ s stuff. I reached for the phone to rip her a new one. But then I told myself to pause, finish what I was doing, and then see if I wanted to reach out.

2 hours later I was able to craft a text message that addressed my issues briefly and succinctly. I was able to walk away from the issue knowing that I had kept my calm and reminded her that she violated an existing agreement that she wouldn ‘ t throw my mom ‘ s things away.

So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.

#3 – Don ‘ t take things personally.

For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all.

I have a client who, every time she and her spouse got into something, she immediately reverted back to the idea that he blamed her for everything that was at issue. That he was judging her for whatever had happened and that he thought her incapable of handing things.

As result, their arguments would get out of control and were, therefore, completely unproductive.

When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you?

If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn ‘ t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm in the moment.

#4 – Don ‘ t hold onto soundbites.

You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn ‘ t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward.

Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.

Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘ ˜You always do this. You are a mama ‘ s boy and always put her needs first. ‘ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband makes his mother a priority over you, the fact that you called your spouse a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ could be something that your husband zeros in on to hold over your head during the argument. So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are around his relationship with his mother.

Which will get you nowhere.

So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn ‘ t truly mean that your husband was a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.

#5 – Don ‘ t raise your voice.

Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice.

When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instinctscomes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose.

Instead of yelling, I would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere.

If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don ‘ t have to happen again and again and again.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article, you are eager to change the pattern in your marital spats. So, remember to take deep breaths so that you can think clearer, to step away for a moment, or an hour, to reassess. To try to not to take things personally and hold on to soundbites. And try, really hard, not to yell.

I know that you can do this. We all can make change with awareness. Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.

5 Signs That it’s Time to Break Up With Someone

/by


Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone who is making you miserable?

Are you unhappy in your relationship but perhaps rationalizing why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else?

Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again?

Let me help you.

Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that ‘ s hard to let go of.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time to end your relationship and move on.

#1 – Can you talk about things?

Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding about what is being said. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They aren ‘ t able to address issues and so they fester.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you don ‘ t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.

#2 – Are you getting mixed messages?

Is your person alternating hot and cold?

Do some days they seem like their loving self and then on others are they crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Are they one moment kind and loving and then another dismissive and condescending?

Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses?

Is the way they are treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?

People who are ‘ ˜all in ‘ in a relationship don ‘ t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh word, but people in healthy relationships, in general, treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors.

If your person makes you feel constantly off kilter and anxious, it is definitely a sign that it might be time to let them go.

#3 – Does history keeps repeating itself?

Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your person tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

Do you fight over the same subjects over and over?

Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one, or both, of you try?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to let break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.

#4 – Are you staying for the wrong reasons?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can ‘ t let this person go because you believe if you do that you will never love, or be loved, again?

Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread?

Perhaps you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don ‘ t believe in giving up?

Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough?

If you are staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you are staying for the wrong reasons.

Know that, you will only find the love and happiness you seek if you can let go of someone who is wrong for you and move forward to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

#5 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life has to revolve around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he is gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home and watch what he wants to watch every night.

She has been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

She doesn ‘ t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that is making her miserable.

Make sure that, when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

Make sure that you are making choices for how you want to live your life and that you aren ‘ t being controlled by your partner.

If you have lost yourself and your life is out of you control, perhaps it ‘ s time to break up with someone who has made it that way.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone because you suspect, deep down, that this relationship will only make you miserable.

But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy.

I can promise you that holding onto to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, to a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can really love you the way that you want to be loved!

You can do this! I promise.

To help you let go of love and move on, I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it to be just the thing you need to take that first step towards the rest of your life!

5 Ways to Forgive Someone Who Has Had an Affair

/by


If you have just found out that your partner has cheated, I am guessing that you are asking yourself how to forgive someone who has had an affair.

I mean, your person has betrayed you. The person you love and want to be with has been with someone else.

And you wonder if you will ever be able to get past it. Ever be able to be happy with your person again.

I can tell you that it is possible to forgive someone who has had an affair, but that it will take some time and effort.

If forgiveness is something that you actively seek, here are 5 things that you can do to get there.

#1 – Ask yourself if and why you really want this.

You have been betrayed. You are devastated. You are angry. You are sad.

And you probably want, more than anything, to go back to that time when you didn ‘ t know your partner had cheated because you were happy then.

So, let me ask you, are you seeking to forgive your partner so that your life can get back to normal? Or are you seeking to forgive your partner because you want to move forward with your partner toward a healthy relationship?

Forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean burying your head in the sand so that you can get back to the way things were. Doing so will only prolong your pain and any chance of recovery.

Once you are clear on why you want to work to forgive, it is important that you decide whether or not forgiveness is something that you are determined to achieve. This process won ‘ t be easy, and it ‘ s going to take determination and work to get to that place where you can forgive and move forward.

So, take a good hard look at whether you think you can get to a place of forgiveness. You might find that you aren ‘ t sure if you can get there yet but that you are ok taking the first steps down the road. Take it one step at a time, reevaluating as you go along if forgiveness is possible.

#2 – Talk to your partner ‘ ¦

It is essential that you and your partner discuss what has happened.

There has been a betrayal, and there is a serious breach of trust between the two of you. And for you to be able to move forward, your partner needs to acknowledge what has happened and accept responsibility.

Many people, after they have cheated, refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of saying, ‘ ˜yes, I did it, ‘ they lie, they deny, they blame, they justify.

You will find it very difficult to forgive someone who doesn ‘ t acknowledge their actions and the effect that it has had on you.

It is essential that you and your partner are able to talk honestly about what happened so that can have the opportunity to forgive. If your partner doubles down and refuses to discuss it, you will be left with nothing but questions and pain, which will make forgiveness impossible.

#3 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t ask for details.

I have a client who, once she found out that her husband was having an affair, insisted that he let her read all of the correspondence between him and his lover. Boy, did she regret it?

On top of the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her, after reading the texts, she had insight into the intimacies they shared. His declaration that he needed to be with his lover, his lover saying deprecating things about my client, their plans for going away together, and talk of the future were all devastating to see.

And once she had seen them, she could never unsee them.

What happened next? Even though she wanted to forgive him, even though he was willing to take responsibility for what happened, and even though they sought help, the words that she read stayed in her head, playing themselves over and over and over. As a result, she was never able to reach the forgiveness that they both hoped she would achieve and their marriage ended.

So, talk to your partner but don ‘ t ask for details. If you do, you might very well regret it.

#4 – Get help.

It is important that you get help processing what happened with your partner.

You have been betrayed by the person you loved. You are most likely furious, but you are also devastated. You might even blame yourself. All of these things are things that, if left unmanaged, can hinder your ability to forgive and only plunge you down into a darker place.

I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist or a life coach, to process what has happened, to take a look at your role in it, to define steps that you, personally, need to take to work through this and to hold yourself accountable to do so.

If you actively want to forgive someone who has had an affair, get some help. Don ‘ t just talk to your friends about what happened. They will tell you what you want to hear, which won ‘ t help you move forward and might even hinder it.

#5 – Consider couple ‘ s counseling.

Ok, you have decided that you are going to work to try to forgive your partner for what happened. You have talked about it together, and you have done some work on your own to process what you are going through and how to take care of yourself.

Now comes this very important part. Counseling.

Ugh, I know. Counseling sounds so horrible, and for many people, the embarrassment around an affair is enough to make them avoid therapy at all costs.

But, the affair didn ‘ t happen in a void. There was something missing or amiss in your relationship that opened up the door for cheating. And this thing is important to identify.

Furthermore, a therapist can help the betrayer understand how the betrayed feels, which I have found is a key to forgiveness – knowing that the person truly understands the effect the cheating had on them.

I know that your instinct is to try to work through this together without help. I am guessing that your partner, particularly, doesn ‘ t want to go down this road with a professional but getting some guidance when working through this is the key to being able to forgive someone who has had an affair.

Learning how to forgive someone who has had an affair is not an easy thing.

What has happened is big – almost like a death – and dealing with it will take time and work.

Not everyone can reach a place of forgiveness, and if that is you, it ‘ s ok. It ‘ s ok to want to move forward alone, so don ‘ t judge yourself for deciding to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to forgive and move forward, it ‘ s definitely worth trying, so go for it! You might just find a happier, healthier relationship on the other side!

Am I Depressed or Just Sad? 5 Key Signs To Watch For

/by


Many of us, when we are feeling down about our lives or ourselves, wonder if we are depressed or just sad. Should we be worried about our mood or should we just ride it out? ‘

There is a fine line between being sad and being depressed. Knowing the differences is key to knowing how to manage and treat how you are feeling.

While there are many different variations of depression, there are two fundamental forms. Chemical depression, is depression caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain, one that is often genetic or the result of trauma. Situational depression is usually a short-term sadness, often brought on by a life event.

Which one are you struggling with? There are some ways to tell.

Here are 5 Signs To Know That You Are Depressed Or Just Sad:

#1 – Has something happened?

One way to tell if you are depressed or just sad is to consider what is happening in your life right now.

Has your dog died? Is a parent sick? Have you lost your job? Did you have a car accident?

Sometimes, life events happen that make us feel overwhelmed and sad. It happens. And the result of those life events can cause situational depression, a short-term feeling of depression, one that feels bad but will most likely pass.

The key thing to ask yourself, if you are wondering if you are depressed or just sad, is if you felt this way before this thing, or things, happened or did your mood change because of the event. If you were fine before the event happened, then you are most likely just sad and the depression will pass with time.

If you were feeling this way before, you just might be dealing with chemical depression so read on!

#2 – Have you been feeling down for a while?

Of course, after your dog dies, you are going to feel sad for a while. Just looking at the chair that they slept on can send you down into a dark hole. But, with time, while the pain and sadness is still there, it will ease and you will be able to go on with your life.

If you find that you aren ‘ t feeling better with time but in fact are feeling the same or worse, then it could be that you are dealing with a chemical depression. Depression is caused by something more systemic than a life event.

So, try to look back on the past few days, weeks, months and years and see where your moods have been. Have you been up and down, as life throws its curveballs at you, or do you find that you have been down more often than up?

If you can ‘ t remember how the past period of time has been, start keeping a mood chart. Keep track, on a daily basis, of how your mood is.

On a scale of 1-10, keep track of where your mood is each day, 10 being great, and 1 being horrible. This way, you will have a record of your moods, and you can watch what happens to them.

If you are consistently below a 5, then that ‘ s a piece of information. If you are up and down the whole spectrum, that ‘ s another piece of information.

You can use this information to help yourself, your doctor or your friends understand what is happening with your moods so that you can figure out how to deal with them.

#3 – Are you feeling hopeless?

The hallmark of chemical depression is hopelessness. That feeling that you will never be happy again, that you will never love or be loved, that life isn ‘ t worth living and why should you even bother, anyway. I am not saying you are suicidal (although you might be), but you are definitely questioning everything that life has to offer.

When we are struggling with sadness with situational depression, generally, our outlook isn ‘ t hopeless. When my dog died, I was sad, but I didn ‘ t struggle with questioning my life or examining my choices. I was just sad that she wasn ‘ t here with me, and I missed her. I miss her still, but now I have a cat, and I am happy.

So, if you find that you are struggling with hopelessness and despair, you might consider that you are struggling with more than just sadness and that it ‘ s time to get help.

#4 – Is it getting worse?

Depression gets worse the longer it goes untreated. It ‘ s a sad fact, but it ‘ s true.

Do you find that your depression is worsening over time? Has it come and gone in recent years but are you finding that it is present more often than not? Are you finding it harder to deal with than before?

Usually, when we are sad, our sadness doesn ‘ t progressively get worse. Instead, it gets better. When my mom died, the first few weeks and months were incredibly painful. I was sad sad, sad. But, as life has gone on and time has passed, my sadness has lessened. Yes, I still have moments when I am deeply sad but that sadness passes. It certainly hasn ‘ t gotten worse.

If you find that your down mood is getting worse and not better, you might definitely be struggling with depression and learning how to manage it is important.

#5 – Does depression run in your family?

In my family, depression goes back generations. My great-grandfather was institutionalized for 40 years and my grandfather was subjected to horrific treatments in the 50 ‘ s. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 42 and learned then that, in many cases, depression, and other mood disorders, are passed down in the family.

Of course, families can struggle with situational depression. My siblings and my kids were as devastated as I was about my mom ‘ s death and we all struggled. But we have all been able to move forward and not have the sadness affect our lives.

Consider your family. Does your mother or your sister struggle with their moods? Does your dad get angry easily or your child disappear into their rooms some days? It is very likely that, if someone else in your family struggles like you do, then you very well might be chemically depressed and it might be time to get help.

Knowing if you are depressed or just sad is a key part to figuring out how to manage it.

If you find that nothing significant has happened in your life, that your hopelessness has been with you for a while and is getting worse, and if mood disorders run in your family, then you might be struggling with chemical depression. And if you are dealing with chemical depression, reach out to your primary care doctor to see what kind of treatment they might recommend to help you manage it.

If you are sad because of a recent loss in your life or something that has happened but your sadness hasn ‘ t lasted for a long time or is getting worse, then you might be dealing with situational depression. I would encourage you to take care of yourself, eat and sleep well, exercise and see if it passes with time.

If it doesn ‘ t, again, reach out to your primary care doctor and see what they might recommend to help you get through this rough period of time.

Depression and sadness don ‘ t have to hold you back from living your life! Face them head on, learn how to manage them and move forward. You will be ok!

How to let Go of a Married Man, Even if You Still Love Him

/by


Are you wondering how to let go of a married man, someone you are madly in love with but who is hurting you over and over and over?

If you have been looking around online, you have probably discovered that there are millions of chat boards devoted to just this topic. And they don ‘ t make you hopeful.

The question at hand is: will your guy ever leave his wife and, if he doesn ‘ t, what to do about it and how to let go if you decide to leave?

Knowing ahead of time how to let go of a married man will help you take that big step to let go so that you can be happy and find love again.

#1 – Be honest with yourself.

Ok, here you are, reading this article, so you must be thinking about leaving your guy.

Why? I am guessing the reasons are something like this:

  • He keeps breaking his promises
  • He couldn ‘ t be there on your birthday
  • You never get to go out anywhere
  • He puts his family first
  • You are lonely
  • You feel horrible about yourself.

Do any of these reasons sound familiar? I am guessing that you have had some version of each of them almost daily since this whole thing began.

It is time for you to start really paying attention to these thoughts, to truly be honest with yourself about the future of your relationship with this man. Yes, you love him but do you truly see the happily ever after up ahead?

I would encourage you to take written stock of all of the hurts and broken promises. Seeing them in a list will make it even clearer to you why you must leave your guy, for once and for all.

Be honest with yourself. It ‘ s time.

#2 – Cut him off.

There is only one way that you will be successful at letting go of your guy. And that is if you cut him off completely.

Cut him off on all social media, block him on your phone, absolutely no sex, no late night supportive conversations. No ‘ ˜just being friends. ‘ Nothing.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes being confident that you can do this because it is key!

Your married guy isn ‘ t going to want to let you go. I mean, why would he with the sex and support that you give him? And because of this, he will use every opportunity that he has to get back in with you. If you leave the door open a crack, he will get it fully open before you know it.

So, if you want to succeed this time at letting go of your married man, I would encourage you to be prepared to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘ And when you do so, try to take it one day at a time. Don ‘ t think ‘ ˜I will never talk to him again ‘ because that will be overwhelming. Just think ‘ ˜I am not going to talk to him today. ‘ That is way more manageable.

I know it seems impossible right now but you can do it. I did and you can too.

#3 – Get to know yourself again.

I was involved with a married man once. He was ‘ ˜getting separated ‘ but it took almost a year to make that happen. And in that time, I totally lost myself.

When I met him, I was a single woman, living in New York City, running my own business and volunteering in the mental health field. I was healthy and happy and living the dream.

When he re-entered my life (I was in love with him in college), I couldn ‘ t have been more prepared for a healthy relationship so I thought I would be just fine waiting for him to leave.

Boy, was I wrong.

Over the course of the next year and a half, I totally lost who I was. I was so distracted by the situation that I couldn ‘ t focus on my business, my health failed, my depression soared and it felt like my life was falling apart.

The first thing that I did when I managed to finally go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him was to do something that I used to love doing – taking a road trip!

I packed up my car and drove down to North Carolina where I spent a few days with a friend. The adventure kept my mind busy and helped me remember the woman I had been before. The happy, hot, self-confident woman who could the world.

Getting to know that person again made me strong enough to continue to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with him and start to build my life again.

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

I am guessing that, over the time you have been with your married man, you have separated yourself, to some degree, from those who love you.

The time that you spent, waiting near your phone, in case your guy called you. The time that you didn ‘ t schedule things to do with people because you wanted to be available in case your guy was. The time that you didn ‘ t spend with your friends because they didn ‘ t want to hear any more about your married guy.

Knowing how to let go of a married man includes spending time with people you love, as often as possible. Not only will doing so keep your mind busy, so that you aren ‘ t obsessing about your guy, but it will help you touch base again with the amazing person who you are.

And your friends will be so thrilled that you have your head on straight that they will be happy to join you on all of those adventures that you are ready to take.

#5 – Believe that you will love again.

I am guessing that this is the number one thing that is holding you back from letting go of your married guy. The fear that, if you do, you will never be loved again.

I am guessing that you might no longer believe that your guy is your soul mate – I mean how could a soul mate hurt you so much? But he is someone you love and someone who you have invested a lot of your precious time. The idea of starting over is daunting.

What I can promise you is this – if you stay with your married guy, how your life is right now is most likely how your life will be for the foreseeable future. Can you imagine?

But, if you can extricate yourself from this relationship now, yes, you will have to put yourself out there but you are way more willing to meet a guy who will love you truly and who is ready to devote his life to you.

You will love again. Maybe even more than once. But you will love again, I promise!

Knowing how to let go of a married man is the number one way to actually make it happen.

Much like we must prepare for a test or a life event, knowing the steps that you will have to take to do the hard task will prepare you for doing it. Knowing what is ahead might not make it all seem so daunting.

With that in mind, be honest with yourself about the relationship. Be prepared to cut him off immediately. Renew your relationship with yourself, and your friends and family, and know that you will love, and be loved, again.

I know it seems impossible but you can do it! I did and I am truly living happily ever after!

5 Things To Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating

/by


Ok, so you have a hunch, and you suspect your spouse is cheating.

Or perhaps someone has told you something that has led you to believe that it might be true.

Either way, you suspect your spouse is cheating, and you are probably devastated and scared and feeling lost and shocked and angry and more. Your emotions are all over the place, and you most likely aren ‘ t thinking clearly.

I am guessing you could use some help, so here I am.

I will share with you 5 things to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating so that you can move forward in a healthy way.

#1 – Consider the source.

If someone has told you that they suspect that your spouse is cheating, for whatever reason, consider the source.

Is the person sharing this info someone you love and trust, or is it someone who might have an agenda?

The difference here is important to know – one of those people is looking out for you, and one of those people might be looking out for themselves. So, if they are the second kind of person, listen to what they say with a grain of salt!

On the other hand, if you suspect that your spouse is cheating because your gut is telling you so, think carefully. Is your gut usually right in these instances, or are you someone who goes to that worst place easily? Do you have trust issues from past relationships? Does your gut have any real reason to go to that place, or is it just a natural inclination of yours?

Whether it’s another person or your gut that is telling you that your spouse is cheating, it ‘ s important to pay attention to that source and make sure their intentions are good and based on some truth.

#2 – Don ‘ t snoop.

I know right now you are DYING to snoop. You have suspicions, and you need to find out everything that you can to confirm.

DON ‘ T.

I have a client who believed that her husband was having an affair and she snooped. She went onto his email and his phone and his Instagram, and his Messenger. And there she found evidence that he was, in fact, having an affair.

What she also found in her snooping was way more information than she needed. She learned about specific things they did, read the words they said to each other, read unkind things the other woman said about her and more. It was awful.

‘ ˜I wish I hadn ‘ t snooped, ‘ she said. ‘ ˜I can ‘ t unsee what I saw and it ‘ s making it really hard for me to work through it. ‘

If you suspect your spouse is cheating, I would highly recommend that you don ‘ t snoop, but you face the situation head-on. What you might find might be more than you can handle. I know it was for my client.

#3 – Ask them directly.

This piece of what to do if you suspect your spouse is cheating is very important. It is very important that you sit down across from your person, look them in the eye and tell them what you know/think. Try to do it calmly and watch their expression carefully.

It would take an amazing actor to be able to deny an affair when their spouse puts it so calmly and clearly. And that is why you want to be looking them in the face – so that you can read their reaction because it might just be a fleeting one. For just a few seconds, their guilt will be written across their face.

If, in the midst of a fight, you throw out that you suspect the affair, emotions will already be heightened, and you won ‘ t be able to read your partner. Alternately, if you take the passive-aggressive route, where you fish around for answers, you are just going to frustrate your person, and they will be ready for you if you ever ask directly.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, ask them as soon as possible. If you do, you won ‘ t have to sit around obsessing and you can get your answers and figure out what to do next

#4 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

There is a phenomenon in the world of infidelity that looks like this – the partner being cheated on takes all the blame for what has happened.

They blame themselves for not being good enough or pretty enough or attentive enough or worthy of love. They blame themselves for being stupid and ignorant and missing the signs. They believe that if they confront their partner, all of those things will be true.

I am here to tell you that what has happened is not your fault. Yes, there are two people in every relationship and each of them has a role in it ‘ issues, but you weren ‘ t the one who found someone else and cheated. You are the one who stayed even if the going was hard.

So, don ‘ t be hard on yourself. Don ‘ t let your fears and self-blame prevent you from confronting what has happened. As a matter of fact, if you do confront the issue head on you will prove to yourself that you aren ‘ t weak, that you respect yourself and that you have the strength to take on, head first, a very difficult and devastating situation.

#5 – Don ‘ t spread the news.

A client of mine discovered some emails that another woman had written to her husband six months earlier. They were declarations of love, playful banter and a tearful goodbye when they had to part. She called her husband out on them. He denied it completely but went home and deleted all emails immediately.

When she asked him why he deleted the emails he said that he couldn ‘ t abide the thought of her sharing those emails with her friends.

I know that if you suspect your spouse is cheating, you will need some support to process it. And I encourage that. But don ‘ t be the person who gets up at a dinner party and announces the infidelity to the world. That isn ‘ t going to help anyone.

Instead, keep what is happening between the two of you and your closest support system. Ask them to keep it to themselves.

These things get bigger and uglier the more oxygen is exposed to them, and the goal is not to let this situation spin out of control but to keep it in a manageable size so that you can work through it and come out the other side intact.

If you suspect that your spouse is cheating, you are probably feeling like your world has ended.

Don ‘ t get me wrong – things are bad – but I also know that you can work through this.

Make sure, before you go too far down the path of suspicion, that you consider if the source is trustworthy. Don ‘ t snoop, and be direct. Do not blame yourself, and keep what has happened close.

If your partner is cheating, you are going to have a lot to deal with in the near future. Doing these things will help you get through what is happening quicker, whether it’s towards healing or walking away.

So, pause and take a deep breath. You will figure this out. One step at a time.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Feeling Insecure in a Relationship is a Red Flag

/by


Are you feeling insecure in your relationship and wondering if it ‘ s a red flag?

Did you start out feeling confident, but have you, over time, started questioning yourself in the relationship and how and why things are happening the way they are happening?

Do you find yourself doing anything you can to feel more secure in the relationship, to no avail?

If you are feeling insecure in a relationship, there can be many reasons why. Most of them are, I am afraid, red flags, so being aware of that is very important for your future happiness, whether in this relationship or another.

Here are 5 reasons why feeling insecure in a relationship might be a red flag.

#1 -You aren ‘ t being treated well.

Ask yourself this question – are you being treated well in this relationship?

Does your person show up when they say they are going to? Are they honest with you? Do they treat you with respect? Do they include you in activities that they enjoy doing?

If your answer to any of these questions is no, you are not being treated well. And not being treated well can make someone insecure to the extreme, especially if you were being treated well at the beginning of the relationship.

And, needless to say, if you are not being treated well in a relationship, it ‘ s a HUGE red flag that the relationship is not a healthy one.

Don ‘ t try to hold on to how things were in the beginning, trying to believe that if you only try hard enough, or hang around long enough, things can get back to the way they were. The old days are gone. And if you aren ‘ t being treated well, time to get out!

#2 – You are not being yourself.

Be honest with yourself. Are you being your true self in this relationship? Would your friends say that the person you are when you are with your partner is the person you usually are?

Many people who are feeling insecure in a relationship are so because they aren ‘ t being their authentic selves. Instead, they have twisted themselves into a pretzel, trying to be who their person wants them to be. As a result, they know, deep down, that they aren ‘ t themselves and that their partner loves someone else..

I have a client who loved to drink, and when she was with her boyfriend, who was in recovery, she didn ‘ t drink. She said that she was fine with this, but when they weren ‘ t together, she got hammered. And he didn ‘ t want to be in a relationship with a girl who got hammered. All of this made her feel bad about herself, and ultimately their relationship fell apart.

So, ask yourself if you are being authentic. If you aren ‘ t, you feeling insecure in a relationship might be about that, and it is a huge red flag that your relationship could fail.

#3 – You are ignoring signs.

You know when you see something very clearly but you choose to ignore it because you just don ‘ t want to deal?

Like you know that if you don ‘ t finish this project in time, you might get fired. Or if you don ‘ t apologize to your sister, things are going to get worse? Or if you know that your credit card payment is due so you hide the bill so you don ‘ t have to think about it?

All of those things won ‘ t help you feel good about yourself in any way and usually lead to feelings of insecurity.

It is the same thing in a relationship. For my client, who pretended she didn ‘ t drink when she was with her guy, she was also a pro at ignoring any signs that the relationship wasn ‘ t all that she wanted it to be.

He would say he was coming over and he would be hours late. He wouldn ‘ t answer his phone calls because he was supporting other people. He told her he didn ‘ t want a real relationship but would come over looking for sex anyway.

All of these things made her feel insecure and because she was ignoring them (and not telling me about them), they just got worse.

Ignoring the signs that things aren ‘ t good is a huge red flag that your relationship might be doomed.

#4 – You aren ‘ t listening to your friends.

How many times have you told a friend something, only to have them ignore you and do what they want anyway? Hundreds, right?

Are your friends telling you things right now that you are ignoring? Are they pointing out issues in your relationship that aren ‘ t healthy? Are they pointing out red flags that you are missing? Are they making you feel like your relationship might not be as good as you want it to be?

If you are ignoring your friends, it might be one reason you are feeling insecure in your relationship. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself that your relationship is healthy, the words of your friends are always buzzing in your head, causing you to question your relationship and feel bad about yourself.

And if your friends are telling you to get the hell out of there, that is definitely a red flag!

#5 – Your life has been thrown off course.

Is your life not what it used to before this relationship began? Have you lost touch with some of your friends? Has your work suffered? Have you gained or lost weight? Are you having trouble sleeping? Has your life has been thrown off course because of the relationship that you are in?

I remember being in a relationship with someone who wouldn ‘ t commit to me. He kept on saying he would, but then he would come and go. It was making me question everything about myself. I couldn ‘ t sleep, my work suffered, and I blew off my friend, sitting by the phone waiting for him to call. I felt like a shell of the person I was before the relationship. And boy, was I feeling insecure as a result, especially because of the fact that I knew this unhealthy relationship was bringing me down.

So, if your life has been thrown off track by this relationship, pay attention. The insecurity that you are feeling is a huge red flag that should not be ignored.

I know that feeling insecure in a relationship does not feel good.

Relationships should be all about love and friendship and good times, not about being disrespected, not being yourself, losing your friends and your life and ignoring signs that this all indicates toxicity.

Take good stock of the things I talked about above. If there are red flags that you are ignoring in your relationship and they are making you feel insecure, do something about it. Confront it – either with your partner or on your own.

Don ‘ t waste one more minute in a relationship that makes you feel insecure. Life is too short!

You can do it!

Feeling Depressed After a Break Up? 5 Surprising Reasons Why

/by


Are you feeling depressed after a break up? Are you totally miserable and wondering why?

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. While it ‘ s not surprising that you are devastated because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons why you are feeling depressed and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up.

#1 – Fear.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not un-loveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – Boredom.

I know, you are depressed after a break up and believe that you will never be happy again. And your depression is warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your depression comes from sheer boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 -Wasted time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients are depressed after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – Self Doubt.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when they are feeling depressed after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our depression worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the depression that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

Feeling depressed after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is making us so depressed, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you might be feeling depressed after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

5 Things to Do if Your Boyfriend ‘Forgot’ Valentine’s Day

/by


February 14 is the most romantic of days and, in spite of its importance, your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s day, didn ‘ t he?

Instead of waking you up to chocolate or flowers or words of affirmation or a nice brunch out, did your boyfriend jump out of bed, kiss you quickly and head out for a run, returning with bagels and a paper and not a word about what day it was.

Are you left feeling angry and hurt by his lack of recognition, the fact that he (perhaps once again) forgot Valentine ‘ s day, making your question your self-worth and whether he truly loves you?

Before you go down that rabbit hole of self-doubt, here are a few things that you can do if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, things that you can do to put it in perspective, ease the pain and maybe gain some insight.

#1 – Don ‘ t take it personally.

‘ ˜What? ‘ you say, ‘ ˜How can I not take it personally? If he loved me, he would have made an effort to do something for me. ‘

I know it sounds logical and simple, and for many women it is. But for many men, expressions of affection, whether with words or gifts, are akin to speaking Greek. Something they would love to do but something that seems overwhelming and daunting. And so, instead of owning it, they ignore it.

I have a client whose boyfriend got her NOTHING for Valentine ‘ s Day. Nothing. She was devastated. She didn ‘ t know what had happened and it made her feel badly about herself and wondering how much he cared about her. She came to learn, down the road, that he was so overcome with anxiety about what to do that he did nothing.

While she still didn ‘ t like that he did nothing, understanding that it was more about his insecurities then about his feelings for her helped her manage her disappointment.

#2 – Do be honest.

It is very important that, if your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day, you don ‘ t sulk. That you don ‘ t internalize the hurt and angry feelings that you have. That you don’t pretend you are cool and that it ‘ s all good and who likes Valentine ‘ s Day anyway.

In a healthy relationship, people who are hurt by their loved one have a responsibility to tell their person that they have been hurt. It ‘ s important to let them know that they have let you down. If you act like it ‘ s no big deal, two things will happen. The first is that you will continue to stew, to continue to be hurt and confused. The second is that next Valentine ‘ s Day (or your birthday or Christmas) your guy might not do anything for you once again.

I mean, if you are cool with him not doing something for you, why would he make an effort to do it?

#3 – Don ‘ t compare yourself to everyone else.

I know that it ‘ s very hard not to compare yourself to everyone and what they are doing/getting for Valentine ‘ s Day.

Every year, people on social media inundate us with pictures and stories of their most amazing Valentine ‘ s Days, coordinated with thoughtfulness and skill by their most amazing boyfriends. Pictures of fancy dinners and island destinations and engagement rings are everywhere.

And, yes, some guys are good at remembering and following through on Valentine ‘ s Day. (I am betting that, somewhere along the way, some girl didn ‘ t sulk and act cool but told those guys the truth – that they sucked at Valentine’s Day.)

That being said, there are millions of other women out in the world who are celebrating Valentine ‘ s Day with a card or a kind word or nothing at all. You are not alone. You are not the most pathetic person in the world. You are just another woman in the world, trying to make the best of life and love.

Instead of looking at what that woman got from her man, go out and get yourself something. Want some chocolate? Go get some. Some perfume or jewelry or flowers? Get some. Who needs to wait for some guy to get us something? We can take care of ourselves, take control of our emotions and not let anyone suck us down.

#4 – Do recognize that it ‘ s not the end of the world.

I know that February 14 feels very much like Valentine ‘ s Day for the whole day. All day we see signs in stores, talking about love, posts online, text from friends, chocolate filled hearts aplenty. It ‘ s everywhere and, when your boyfriend forgets Valentine ‘ s Day, the day is horrible.

That being said, don ‘ t forget that the day after Valentine ‘ s Day is just another day. Another day when life goes on. Chocolate heart candy will go on sale, to be replaced with chocolate bunnies. Just another day.

Ask yourself how your boyfriend treats you on those regular days. Does he buy you flowers or open the car door for you or take you out to dinner or rub your feet or hang out with your friends or walk the dog or make the bed or ask about your day? Does he do a million little things on those days that aren ‘ t Valentine ‘ s Day, things that might make up for the fact that he dropped the ball this one day? Things that show that he loves you truly?

Your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day definitely sucks but life and love can, and will, go on, nonetheless.

#5 – Don ‘ t be blind.

Of course, taking stock of all of the things that I said above is important but it is also VERY important that you not blindly accept what has happened on Valentine ‘ s Day, act like everything is cool and assure yourself that this guy really loves you and that he just dropped the ball.

It is possible that your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day because he just isn ‘ t that into you. It could be that he isn ‘ t the romantic type and that, no matter what you say, he will contend that Valentine ‘ s Day is ridiculous and that he will never take part in it. He could just not care about your feelings either way and not be nice to you, ever.

So, take a look at the overall picture of your relationship. Does your guy treat you well when it ‘ s not Valentine ‘ s Day? Is he the kind of romantic that you need him to be? Do you have any questions in the back of your mind that your relationship might be doomed in the long run?

There can be many reasons why your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and one of them might just be because your relationship isn ‘ t healthy and that it might be near it ‘ s end.

I know the idea sucks, and I am sorry, but it just might be the case. Be honest with yourself. Is it?

Your boyfriend forgot Valentine ‘ s Day and it has left you feeling angry and bereft. I totally get it.

One year my boyfriend (now ex-husband) forgot about Valentine ‘ s Day and got me some on-sale roses the next day. It felt shitty, to say the least.

But that didn ‘ t mean he didn ‘ t care about me – he just was working hard and missed the day. I told him it hurt and the next year he went out of his way and kicked ass, making it the most special day ever!

I know that some of my friends had very romantic days with their guys but really, my guy and I hung out and went to the movies which was, in it ‘ s own way, romantic because it ‘ s one of my favorite things to do.

And, the next day, like it is every year, was February 15th and life went on.

All of that being said, make sure that you take a good hard look at your relationship. Have you been making it something that it ‘ s not? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who will never be romantic? Do you have any doubts?

It just might be that your boyfriend forgetting Valentine ‘ s Day might be just the wake-up call you need to get up, move on and find the love you want!

5 Reds Flags to Never Ignore if You want A Healthy Relationship

/by


Do you want, a healthy relationship? Is the idea of building a life with something you are actively seeking? Have you been burned in the past and not sure why? Do you want to do things differently this time around? If so, you should definitely make sure that you don’t ignore those red flags.

Red flags are those little things that you see when you are in a new relationship, things that make you pause and say ‘ ˜hmmm. ‘ Things that make you question whether this person is the right person for you. Things that are scary because you so want this relationship to work.

Unfortunately, because we do want this relationship to work, we often ignore red flags. We ignore the warning signs that present themselves to us that signal this might not the right person for us. We hope that perhaps the red flags aren ‘ t a big deal, that this person could change, and that we can live with them because other things are good.

If you want a healthy relationship, ignoring red flags is the best way to ensure that you won ‘ t get it. Ignoring red flags will keep you in an unhealthy relationship and keep you from finding the love that you want.

Here are 5 red flags that you should never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#1 – They don ‘ t get along with their family.

If you want a healthy relationship, a huge red flag is someone who doesn ‘ t get along with their family.

Of course, many of us struggle with our family. Just because they are family, it doesn ‘ t mean everyone can get along and that is fine. But if your person has been estranged from their family, if they have a toxic relationship with their parents, if their kids don ‘ t talk to them, then your person might not be capable of having a healthy relationship.

I know that many of us think that if we just love someone enough, we can help them heal from the pain caused by their family so that they can be happy. And yes, it is possible to help someone feel loved, but they are most likely deeply damaged and might have a hard time emotionally connecting.

#2 – They cheat.

I have a client whose new boyfriend has been a habitual cheater. He cheated on everyone he had ever dated and had sex with multiple lovers in the bed he shared with his wife. My client met him soon after he got divorced and fell madly in love with him.

She believed that he had changed. That he loved her so much that he would never cheat again. And then, he did. Over and over and over.

If your person is a habitual cheater, they most likely will continue to be. Even if they love you madly and you have lots of sex, a person who cheats does so for a variety of reasons, reasons that aren ‘ t going to just disappear without some help.

If your person has cheated on their ex, be careful. If they have been a habitual cheater, run away as fast as you can.

#3 – They can ‘ t hold a job.

When I met my ex, I remember stalking him on Linked In. There I learned that he had been in 4 different jobs in 5 years. I remember thinking that that looked like an issue, but I chose to ignore it. I was a life coach. If he was struggling with job security then I would be able to help him, after all.

Of course, the job security became a big issue. That he had lost so many jobs made him incredibly insecure. He was in a ton of debt trying to keep up with the lifestyle that he wanted to give his family. He had no confidence that he could do this job, or any job.

I tried to work with him to address the systemic issues that I could see around his work but to no avail. And I started to worry that becoming attached to this man might challenge me financially.

So, if your person has a problem with holding a job, tread carefully. Of course, times are tough now with Covid and the economy, but if this has been happening for a while, it is definitely a red flag!

#4 – They drink too much.

Of course, many of us drink, especially when we are early into a relationship. There is nothing more fun than sharing a few adult beverages as we have those long talks about our hopes and dreams. That being said, if your person regularly has more than a few drinks in the course of an evening, this is definitely a red flag.

People with drinking problems are people to stay away from if they want to be in a healthy relationship. People who drink too much can be physically unhealthy, financially unsound, and struggle with relationships and job security. They can be impulsive and prone to bursts of extreme emotion. They can be abusive when angered and inconsistent with their behaviour.

Furthermore, people who drink struggle with emotional connection, the key to a healthy relationship.

My ex was an alcoholic and while he was good at being physically affectionate feeling an emotional connection with him was difficult. He had started drinking when he was 15 as a way to cope with his relationship with his mother (Red Flag #1) He never had a chance to develop emotionally and therefore was unavailable for real connection. He went from woman to woman, cheating on each of them (Red Flag #2).

I tried and tried to have a healthy relationship with him, but I couldn ‘ t do it alone. He wouldn ‘ t stop drinking and I was unhappy. I had ignored that red flag at the beginning of our relationship and wished I hadn ‘ t.

#5 – They are inconsistent with their attention.

Do you have a person who comes and goes? Someone who texts for hours at a time, and then who disappears for days?

Does she proclaim her love and then hang out with other men?

Does he tell you that he needs ‘ ˜time ‘ and walk away, only to return days or weeks or months later, professing his love? And then he leaves again.

People who care about people are consistent with their attention. Why? Because they want to be. They want to show their person they care about them; they want to spend time with them, they want them to feel safe and to know that they will never abandon them. They want to make sure their person knows they love them.

So, if your person is coming and going, whether it’s electronically or in person, that is a huge red flag that you should not ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Don ‘ t think that if you just love them enough, if you just stick around long enough, they will suddenly realize they are madly in love with you and stay put. They won ‘ t.

Ignoring red flags is the best way to sabotage things if you want a healthy relationship.

I know that you really want things to work out because you are kissing a lot of frogs and you just want one to stick. But don ‘ t!

If you waste even one more minute on someone with bright red flags, you are wasting time that you could be spending finding someone who doesn ‘ t have red flags, someone who could make you happy and give you the healthy relationship that you want!

So walk away; youcan do it!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin