5 Signs You are Ready to Date Again After a Toxic Relationship

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Are you wondering if there are signs that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship?

Did it take you forever to get over the pain of your break up and are you hesitant to put yourself back out there again and be vulnerable?

Getting out of a toxic relationship is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do and it can leave you destroyed and exhausted. The last thing that you want to do is get into a relationship with someone else, someone who might just hurt you all over again.

I believe, however, that taking a risk and stepping back into the dating world is a brave step and an important part of the healing process. Love and happiness are the goals and you are the only one who can reach that goal. But only when you are ready.

So, how can you tell when you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship? Here are 5 signs to help you decide.

#1 – You are no longer obsessed with your ex.

Ok, I don ‘ t mean to shut you down before we even start here. I am guessing that you are still thinking about your ex, especially as you consider getting back out there. Thinking about taking a risk, putting yourself back out there and starting all over again will naturally make you think of the relative security of your ex.

I say ‘ ˜relative ‘ – your relationship never really was secure, was it?

It is essential that, to be ready to date again after a toxic relationship, you have let go of your ex and the ‘ ˜security ‘ that that relationship provided for you. It ‘ s ok to still think about them, to some degree, but the obsession that you felt about them needs to have significantly subsided.

Why? Because as you start to meet new people, if you are still obsessed with your ex, you will only compare them to your date and shut yourself down right away. You most likely will only remember the good parts of your toxic relationship and you will seek those in a new person.

And that is a recipe for disaster because if you find someone like your ex, you will only be repeating history.

So, make sure that you have let go of your ex before you put your toe back into the dating pool.

#2 – You know why the relationship was toxic.

A key part of being ready to date after a toxic relationship is understanding what happened that made your relationship toxic.

A client of mine, after finally escaping a toxic relationship, couldn ‘ t let go of the belief that everything that was wrong in the relationship was all her fault. She believed that if she had only been more understanding, more sexual, more supportive, then her relationship would have flourished.

But the reality is that the toxicity was on both her and her partner. He was controlling and she let him. He was rough in bed and she shut down. He needed her unconditional support, and when he felt that she didn ‘ t give him enough, he was abusive.

After working with me, she came to see that the toxicity wasn ‘ t her fault but a combination of his abuse and her allowing him to abuse her.

Knowing this, knowing that she was a part of what happened but that it wasn ‘ t all her fault, made her more ready to let another person into her life. She knew that she could change her behaviors and reactions and that might save any future relationship from becoming toxic.

#3 – You have rebuilt your self-esteem.

When we get out of toxic relationships, we often feel really horrible about ourselves.

Days, weeks or years of abuse and gaslighting have led us to believe that we are ugly, that we aren ‘ t loveable, that we are worthless.

And the kind of person who believes those things about themselves will only attract other people who feel bad about themselves.

It is essential that, if you are struggling with low self-esteem, you do the work that you need to do to feel better about yourself. Spend time with people who love you, do the things that you have always wanted to do, don ‘ t obsess about the past but look to the future, take care of yourself.

If you feel good about yourself as you head back into the dating world, you will attract the kind of person who feels good about themselves as well.

#4 – You know you will not ignore red flags going forward.

Be honest. When your toxic relationship started, you saw a lot of red flags, didn ‘ t you?

Maybe he told you about toxicity with his ex? Maybe you saw how controlling she could be? Maybe you knew that he had no friends and was obsessed with you?

And, did you ignore those red flags? Did you believe that if you only loved your person enough you could fix them? Were you wrong?

Make sure that, going forward, you are willing to recognize red flags and act on them. Be prepared to walk away. Only by doing so can you find the kind of person who can give you the healthy relationship you seek.

#5 – You really, really want to date.

Dating is hard. Dating takes time and patience. Dating takes a willingness to make yourself vulnerable. If you want to date, you need to make sure that it is something that you really want to do.

Many people come to me, thinking that they are ready to put themselves back out there but they aren ‘ t, for whatever reason, willing to put in the time and energy necessary. They want to sit back and wait for people to come to them. They want to say yes to dates but then cancel. They just don ‘ t have their heart in it 100%. And, when they don ‘ t find their person, they get disheartened and shut down.

So, take a good hard look at yourself and see if you are really and truly ready to put yourself back out there. If you aren ‘ t, don ‘ t do it yet. You will only set yourself up for failure and that will only set your self-esteem back again.

Recognizing that you are ready to date again after a toxic relationship is very important to doing so successfully, so that you can find the love you seek.

Make sure that you are longer thinking about your ex all the time. Take the time to look at what happened in the relationship so that you don ‘ t make the same mistakes again and be prepared to notice red flags. Rebuild your self-esteem and don ‘ t put yourself out there before you are ready.

If you can do these things, you will be ready to date again, primed to find the person who can make your dreams come true.

 

Don’t Let an Ex’s Infidelity Sabotage Your New Relationship!

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Have you started seeing the most amazing person but are you realizing that you are letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship?

Did learning that your ex cheated devastate you and leave you with residual PTSD and trust issues?

Struggling with past infidelity is common for people when they get into a new relationship after their old one is torn apart by an affair.

Fortunately, there are some things that you can do to get over the past and move on to find the happiness you seek.

#1 – Get help.

If your ex ‘ s infidelity is affecting your new relationship, then you most likely have trust issues. You don ‘ t believe that someone else wouldn ‘ t do to you what has been done before.

The best way to get rid of those trust issues is by talking to someone, either a therapist or a life coach. These professionals can help you process why those trust issues exist and help you with tools to manage them so that they don ‘ t control your life or destroy your new relationship.

If you aren ‘ t comfortable talking to someone, do some research online. There are lots of articles out there that will help you dig into your trust issues and teach you how to manage them.

What you shouldn ‘ t do is talk to your friends about these issues. Your friends were probably there for you when you were struggling and they might encourage you to be distrustful of a new person, especially if they too have been cheated on in the past.

Friends are great but they often bring their own stuff into a conversation and that won ‘ t help you get past those trust issues so that you can have thehealthy relationship you want.

#2 – Consider your role in the old relationship.

Infidelity doesn ‘ t happen in a void – there are two partners in every relationship and their issues are usually the result of both parties. I am not saying that it is your fault that your ex cheated but your relationship was fragile enough that your partner strayed, trying to find something that was missing.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetriedish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my relationships since then, I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take a look at your behaviors in your new relationship and make sure that you aren ‘ t repeating ancient history yourself.

#3 – Don ‘ t project old stuff on your new partner.

You have a new partner. They are a wonderful partner. You fell in love with them for a reason. They aren ‘ t your old partner.

One of the biggest challenges innew relationships is that we bring our baggage into it. The feelings about things that happened in the past come with us into that relationship and can wreak havoc when they do so.

If you have done some trust work outside of this relationship it will make it easier for you to recognize that this new person is someone who you can trust until they have shown you otherwise. They are not your old partner, this is not your old relationship and you aren ‘ t the same person you were before.

Even if you haven ‘ t gotten past your trust issues with your ex, you can work to recognize this – that your partner is not your ex and that you can love and trust themuntilthey do something that would make you question them.

#4 – Don ‘ t suffer in silence.

A key part of trusting someone is communication. If you have insecurities about your partners infidelity, it is important that you address them up front by talking about them.

It is important that your new person know that you have these trust issues, that you have suffered some trauma from the past infidelity. It is also important that they know that you will work to trust them until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

If you suspect that they are doing something that makes them untrustworthy, it is important that you consider whether or not what you are perceiving they are doing is in your head or if there is tangible proof that what you suspect is true.

I have a client whose new partner is SURE that he is cheating on her with his old girlfriend. And how does he know that she thinks this? Because she is talking to their friends about it, not to him. He isn ‘ t cheating but, because she won ‘ t talk to him about it, she has this image in her head that he is cheating, one that might be snuffed out if she discussed it with him.

So, if you are struggling letting an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship, talk to your person. It will help you manage your fears and hopefully move youforward towards a healthier relationship.

#5 – Have hope.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe that, after all that you have been through, you could possibly have a healthy relationship. You have been cheated on, maybe repeatedly, which probably made your self-esteem plummet and to question who you are in the world.

Why, you think, would anyone ever love you again?

Don ‘ t let yourself believe that! Infidelity happens for a variety of reasons but none of them is because you are a bad person, because you are unloveable. Relationships are hard and they can end badly but that doesn ‘ t make you less than. That makes you human.

It is essential that you work to believe that you are worthy andloveableand amazing and that your new partner would be a fool to cheat on you. Talk to your friends and family, to people who love you, so that you can have a clearer picture of how wonderful you are and how lucky your new partner is to have you.

Because it ‘ s true – you do deserve to be happy!

Knowing how to not let an ex ‘ s infidelity sabotage your new relationship is the key to finding happiness.

If you can get some help managing your trust issues, if you can take stock of your role in your failed relationships, if you can push back on your comparing your new person to your ex, if you can communicate with them before issues occur and if you can believe that you deserve to be happy, your new relationship will flourish and you can live happily ever after.

I know that it might not be easy, but you can do it and you can be happy just like you deserve to be!

5 Reasons Why He Won’t Let You Break Up with Him

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Are you and your boyfriend absolutely miserable and yet, even so, he won ‘ t let you break up with him?

Do you try repeatedly to walk out the door, or ask him to leave, only to have him refuse to leave or refuse to stay away?

Are you going crazy, trying to get out of this relationship and move on?

There are a few reasons why he won ‘ t let you break up with him and understanding them might help you figure out a way to get rid of him for good!

#1 – He wants the power.

When you try to break up with your boyfriend, does he say ‘ ˜ You won ‘ t be doing the leaving ‘ ¦I will. ‘ Does he refuse to respect your wants and needs because it ‘ s all about him?

I have a client who has been having an affair for years and she wants, more than anything, to end it. Whenever she tries, he threatens her, swearing that he will be the only one who decides when they are over. And he usually walks out, only to reappear a few days or weeks later, like nothing had happened.

If your guy wants the power, I would encourage you to dig deep and get some power of your own. If he doesn ‘ t want to leave, you leave, even if only for a few weeks. If he leaves and then tries to worm his way back in, don ‘ t let him. And if you can ‘ t be strong enough to keep him away, try making his life miserable. That just might do the trick.

You have power in this relationship, and in your life. Use it!

#2 – He wants someone to take care of him.

Every guy just wants to be taken care of. No matter how successful or independent they are, having someone tend to their needs is a key part of their happiness.

Imagine if you broke up with him – who would take care of him?

I have a client who took care of her man in a big way. She paid for the furniture for his apartment. She cooked and cleaned and walked the dogs. She was always there, waiting for him when he got home after work. She loved taking care of him, so she did.

As time went on, she felt like he was taking her for granted. He stopped coming home to spend time with her. When he was home, he was crabby. She continued to take care of him but was getting nothing in return. Soon, she decided that she was done.

Whenever she broached the subject of breaking up with him, he begged her to stay. He made promises that he would change, promises of love and forever. And so she stayed and continued to take care of him. And he went right back to taking her for granted.

Guys need someone to take care of them. One reason why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is because he doesn ‘ t want to lose his chief bottle washer.

So, what do you do? You stop taking care of him. That should do the trick.

#3 – He likes the sex.

We all know that men are very much driven by sex. That they think about it 24 hours a day and that they will do almost anything to have easy access to it whenever they can.

And that means you.

If you break up with him, he will no longer have access to the sex that he craves. Instead of coming home to you every night, he will have to make an effort to get some. And, while men love sex, making an effort to get it isn ‘ t always an option.

Furthermore, sex that is the result of conflict, which is often ever-present when people are trying to break up, is really good sex. So why would he walk away from that now?

The cure for this issue – no more sex. Period.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Be honest – isn ‘ t one reason why you have struggled to break up with him because you are wavering a bit? Does the idea of putting yourself back out there and having to date again make you almost wish that you could just stay and make the best of it?

I am guessing yes. And it ‘ s the exact same for guys. Dating is a drag – why would he want to put himself through that, especially if you are taking care of him and having sex with him.

I would encourage you to stop making his home life so comfortable. Start going out with your friends and not sitting around waiting for him. Try to rebuild your single life so that when you are actually out, you are ready to hit the dating ground running!

#5 – He is embarrassed.

Many men are very prideful. To look good in the eyes of others, especially other men, is what drives him to succeed. If you want to break up with him, instead of the other way around, then he loses face.

I have a client whose boyfriend offered to let her break up with him but only if she continued to make appearances for Sunday night dinner at his folks’. He had been through a few relationships before and his brothers gave him a lot of grief about it. The idea of having to take more because his girlfriend had broken up with him filled him with dread. He didn ‘ t want to face it.

Is your guy embarrassed that you are breaking up with him? Is he embarrassed that he has another failed relationship? Has his pride been damaged, big time?

If the answer is yes, I would encourage you to talk to your guy about how you can manage this break up in a way that won ‘ t make him lose face. That way, he can walk away with his head held high, not embarrassed that things didn ‘ t work out, again.

Knowing why he won ‘ t let you break up with him is the key to understanding how you can do so.

He doesn ‘ t want to let go because he wants you to take care of him and to have sex with him. He wants the power to do the breaking up or perhaps he is embarrassed that it ‘ s even an issue. And he doesn ‘ t want to have to date again.

Now that you know why he won ‘ t let you break up with him, you can take the steps that you need to take, to take back your power, to stop giving without receiving and to make sure that dating again is more appealing than staying with you!

The only way that you are going to find the love and happiness that you desire is if you can get out of a relationship that isn ‘ t serving you. I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but you can do it!

 

Why An Emotionally Strong Woman Gets the Relationship She Wants

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Being an emotionally strong woman is the goal of every woman I know. And it should be.

We are all plagued with emotional issues from our past and present and, as a result, they can bring us down. They can make it impossible for us to be our true selves and get the life and the love that we want.

There are ways to get to be an emotionally strong woman – click this link to learn more.

In my work with clients, educating them on why emotionally strong woman gets what she wants every time is the best motivation for striving to be one!

Here are 5 reasons why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time!

#1 – She knows what she wants ‘ ¦

The number one defining trait of an emotionally strong woman is that she knows what she wants. An emotionally strong woman has taken the time to define what is important to her so that she can live the life she wants to live.

Instead of saying she wants ‘ ˜to be happy ‘ in her relationship, she is more specific. She wants quality time, she wants to feel loved, she wants to trust her person and she wants open communication.

Once she knows what she wants, she can go after it. She can ask her partner for quality time, she can help him understand what she needs to feel loved, she can speak up if she feels like he is being dishonest and she can encourage both of them to communicate effectively.

If you can take the time to figure out what you want, you will be one step closer to being the emotionally strong woman you want to be.

#2 – ‘ ¦and she is willing to ask for it.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients have some sense of what they want in a relationship but find that they are unwilling, or unable, to ask for it.

They say they want quality time but they pretend they are ok when their partner goes out AGAIN. They say they want trust but don ‘ t speak up when they are being deceived. Instead of encouraging conversation, they are passive aggressive and close down when they are upset.

An essential part of being an emotionally strong woman means not only knowing what you want but also being able to reach out and take it.

Can you stand up for yourself in a relationship? Can you tell your partner what you want/need and not settle for anything less? If you can, you are being an emotionally strong woman, one who can find the love and happiness that she desires.

#3 – She values herself.

I have a client who is a psychiatrist. She has been professionally trained to help people process their thoughts and work through issues. She is very good at what she does.

Unfortunately, when she gets into a relationship she brings her training with her.

And what happens? She gives and she gives and she gives to her partner, helping them process their stuff. She wants to help them find health and happiness, just like she does her clients. And, in the process, she lets herself get sucked dry.

An emotionally strong woman will make sure that she values herself in a relationship. That she is willing to love but also to be loved. She does things for her person but allows things be done for her too. She knows that she deserves to be loved and respected and she won ‘ t settle for anything less.

What are you like in a relationship? Do you give and give and give and expect nothing in return? Is doing so sucking you dry? If yes, take a step back and start asking for what you need. If your partner isn ‘ t willing to try to give it to you, walk away.

An emotionally strong woman would do just that!

#4 – She has control of her emotions.

Are you one of those people who gets angered easily? Does it take no more than a few eyerolls to trigger you to yell and scream?

Are you someone who cries at the drop of the hat? Someone who no one can talk to because you are so sensitive and fragile?

Are you someone who gets up and walks away when something isn ‘ t going the way you want it to?

An emotionally strong doesn ‘ t do any of those things. An emotionally strong woman takes a deep breath when she feels anger coming up. She doesn ‘ t stifle her tears but she doesn ‘ t let them interfere with processing an issue. And she never, never walks away from a situation. She stays and she deals and she settles things.

Pay attention to your emotions. Having control of them will help you get the life and the love that you want.

#5 – She doesn ‘ t waste any time.

‘ ˜Life is short ‘ is the motto of any emotionally strong woman.

Have you been stuck in a toxic relationship, hoping for things to change, hoping for things to go back to the way they were, hoping that your person will just become the person you know they could be? Have you been waiting for days, months or even years for this to happen?

An emotionally strong woman doesn ‘ t do that. An emotionally strong woman identifies the issues in her relationship, is proactive in trying to fix them and, if she can ‘ t, she walks away.

No excuses about how she isn ‘ t a quitter or how if she just loves him enough he will change. She recognizes when done is done and moves on.

And that is why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time. Because she knows that the longer she sticks around, the less likely it is that she will find the love that she wants and deserves.

So now you understand why an emotionally strong woman gets what she wants in a relationship every time.

She knows exactly what she wants and isn ‘ t afraid to ask for it. She values herself, she controls her emotions and she doesn ‘ t waste any time.

I hope this article has been inspirational for you, that you have seen that getting the life that you want is possible – you just need to find that strong inner you!

She is in there! I promise!

Why Having Sex with Your Ex Is a REALLY Bad Idea

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I know that you want some – we all need sex – but having sex with your ex is not the answer.

Relationships are complicated and break ups even more so. Having sex with your ex, believe it or not, can make them both worse.

Obviously, break ups happen when there are issues in a relationship and they usually happen after a lot of hurt from both sides. Letting go of each other, while it might be painful, is often a necessary course of action.

Surprisingly, conflict in a relationship can enhance attraction to each other. As a result, exes often go back to each for sex, even after a nasty break up.

And when they do, disaster ensues.

So, why is having sex with your ex a really bad idea? Let me tell you why.

#1 – It ‘ s confusing and anxiety producing.

When we break up with someone, it is always for a reason. We leave or we are left or the decision is mutual. Whatever the reason, we break up.

If you start having sex with your ex, the break up lines are blurred.

If you did the leaving, why are you going back? Are you lonely, bored, horny or are you going back because you regret your decision?

If you were left, does having sex with your ex give you hope that you might get back together? Does it make you happy because you get to spend some time with your ex because if theymight bewith someone else?

If the decision was mutual, does having sex with your ex feel confusing? I mean, you were a couple and you were attached romantically and now you are having sex – not making love? How does that feel?

With few exceptions, being friends, much less friends with benefits, only brings more pain. It confuses people and drags out hurt feelings.

Whether you did the breaking up or are broken up with, walk away. Move on. There is no point wasting time in a physical relationship where the boundaries are blurred and can lead, ultimately, to more pain.

#2 – Fractured attachments.

As I said above, relationships involve sex AND emotion. In a relationship, you are having sex, maybe even great sex, but your heart is also involved. There is nothing more wonderful than making love to someone you care about.

Sex is different, for everyone. For men, sex is often not much more than just a physical release. I had a client who had sex with his soon to be ex-wife the night before their final therapy session. I asked him why. He said that he wouldn ‘ t turn down any opportunity to have sex.

She wanted the marriage to work – he did not. He had sex with her anyway.

I don ‘ t know my client ‘ s ex but I am guessing that when he came to the house and was interested in having sex with her, she believed that the sex could be a signal that he wanted to get back together. I am guessing that when he left, and expressed no indication that he wanted a reunion in therapy the next day, that she was more devastated than ever.

This couple who had been married for 30 years and shared 4 adult children, were devasting each other, beyond their divorce, by continuing their sexual relationship.

#3 – You can ‘ t move on.

I don ‘ t know about you but one of the reasons that I would put myself out to date after a break up was because I was horny. I hadn ‘ t had sex for a while and was motivated to go through the whole dating thing in the hopes of meeting someone special and, well, getting laid.

I know that, if I had been having sex with my ex, I would have been getting what I needed, physically, and might not have been motivated to get out there and find something real.

Furthermore, whether it was you who wanted the break up or your ex, neither of you will be given a chance to move on and find happiness if you are still entangled with each other.

If having sex with your ex keeps you from moving on and finding love, doesn ‘ t that sound like a REALLY bad idea?

#4 – Recurring issues.

You and your ex broke up. You broke up for one, or many reasons. You are no longer a couple because you just weren ‘ t right for each other.

Unfortunately, staying intimate with our ex can only lead to those issues being raised over and over, being hashed out again with no change, and feelings being hurt again and again.

I have had sex with an ex before and, while it was fun, I know that the behaviors that I didn ‘ t like about my ex, like the fact that he would disappear on Sundays or always sent terse texts or that he was vocally conservative, were still there. When we had sex after our break up, those things bugged me, more than ever because I wasn ‘ t as emotionally involved.

So, I would snap and he would get defensive and I would, more likely than not, storm out, angry, promising myself that I would never do this again. And then, one week later, after a call from him, there I would be, naked in bed, no longer horny but definitely irritated.

Lay those issues to rest. Move on.

#5 – Loss of self-respect.

For many people, having sex with your ex can lead to dramatically decreased self-esteem, especially if one person did the leaving.

I know that when I had sex with an ex who I wished I was still with, a guy who basically ignored me until he was horny, I always felt worse after it. I would be so excited in the anticipation but then, when it was over, I was devastated. I knew I was being used, I knew that I was being pathetic and I was embarrassed by my weakness.

After a few months of this, my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I have also seen this happening with couples who have sex with each other even if their break up was amiable. They enjoy getting together but know that they are doing so even if there is no future. They know that it ‘ s holding them back from moving on and finding happiness. They know that, while the sex might be great, they are with a person they really don ‘ t want to be with. And that ultimately doesn ‘ t feel good at all.

So, pay attention to your self-esteem if you are having sex with your ex. I am guessing that it ‘ s not as great as you would like it to be.

Having sex with your ex is a REALLY bad idea because relationships and break ups are complicated and involving sex in the equation only makes things worse.

If you are having sex with your ex, think about the signals that are being sent. Are you both on the same page about what the sex means? Is it keeping you attached in a negative way and preventing you from moving on? Is it bringing up recurring issues and damaging your self-esteem?

Taking a good look at your relationship with your ex and the effect that the sex is having on you and your ex will help you see that having sex after a break up is, more often than not, a horrible idea.

Married and Having an Affair? 5 Pieces of Advice to Keep You Grounded

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Are you married and having an affair?

Do you find yourself, to your surprise, straying from your marriage?

Are you wondering how you got there and what to do next?

Let me help!

When we are in the throes of an affair, we often feel like we are drowning. The highs of being with our person are amazing, but the lows that follow can be all-consuming.

And, chances are, we haven ‘ t had an affair before, so we are most likely feeling way out of our depths as to how to handle it.

Let me share with you advice culled from years of working with people who are having an affair, for those who are married and having an affair, so that you can take a good hard look at the choices you are making for the present and the future!

Here Are 5 Ways to Stay Grounded When Married and Having an Affair

#1 – You are not soul mates.

I know that it feels that way.

I know it feels like, after years of marriage with someone who just doesn ‘ t get you, finding someone who does feel like such a gift. It feels like you finally have a chance at the happiness that has been out of reach for so long.

Most people don ‘ t set out to have an affair. They usually start with two people talking about mundane things. Those mundane things shift to more personal things, things you don ‘ t share with your spouse. Before you know it, you feel very attached to your person and are having an emotional affair. More often than not, that attachment becomes sexual in nature, and the physical affair begins.

And you are sure that you have finally found your soul mate and that you are totally justified in having this affair. But this, I am afraid, is just an illusion.

What you are, in fact, feeling right now is that initial excitement that we feel at the beginning of every relationship. That period of time when we stay up all night talking, when every day feels brighter when the sex has never been better.

Over the course of a relationship, that initial excitement transitions into a more comfortable attachment, one that leads to a committed relationship. With people who are having an affair, that transition never happens because there is no committed relationship, just two people who are meeting clandestinely, having a relationship outside of marriage.

So, understand that while you think you are soul mates, you are really two people who have an intense emotional and chemical attraction, whose time together is always exciting because it is an affair!

#2 – You might hurt your children.

One thing that people who married and having an affair don ‘ t think of is the effect that the relationship might have on the children.

I have a client who was having an affair with a friend ‘ s husband. The families spent a lot of time together and, before the affair, that time was healthy. But, as the affair continued, the married couple having an affair brought a different energy to the get-togethers, one that the other spouses and the children didn ‘ t understand but felt.

The families started spending less time together, and the children suffered because of it.

I have another client who was in the same situation, and they were caught. Their children had to deal with the emotional and societal fallout that was the result. They didn ‘ t understand what was happening, all they knew was that things were bad. And I can guarantee that, as a result, those kids were destined to repeat the same mistakes when they grew up.

So, as you move forward with this affair, think about the effect that it might have on your children, both in the short and long term.

#3 – You aren ‘ t addressing the issues in your marriage.

Many people who are having an affair, they are disconnected emotionally from their spouses.

One of the reasons they are drawn into an affair is because they feel angry/lonely/resentful in their marriage. They would like to address those issues to make their marriage strong again, but its way easier to get involved with someone else instead of dealing.

I have a client whose therapist told her that, by continuing her affair, she was having her emotional needs met, and that was keeping her from trying to make her marriage a happy one. The longer the affair continued, the less she required from her husband. Their marriage was suspended in a bad place, with no hope of change.

It ‘ s important that, to have a happy marriage, our spouses meet our emotional and physical needs. If you go outside of your marriage to have those needs met, your marriage just might be doomed.

#4 – You won ‘ t ever be together.

Many married people who are having an affair, they believe that they will ultimately leave their spouse and be with the person who is their soul mate. And that is a goal that they are working towards every day, or so they believe.

The reality is is that leaving a marriage is very difficult. The societal, familial and financial issues that arise paralyze people, leading them to stay in a marriage, even if it is not a happy one.

Divorce can lead to substantial financial issues that affect both spouses. Divorce means visitation with the kids, not seeing them every day. Divorce means having friends needing to take sides. Divorce means letting go of traditions.

It is way easier to continue the affair and be in a marriage that is ‘ ˜good enough ‘ than to take steps to get a divorce. And, if one person is willing to take the step and the other is not, that will lead to even more unhappiness, this time in a relationship that is meant to cause joy.

#5 – You will be caught.

I know that you feel like you are being super careful. That you are using an encrypted app to communicate, that you meet places where you know no one, and that the stories you tell your spouse about why you were late are readily accepted. But the reality is that the longer the affair continues, the more likely it is that you will be caught.

Don ‘ t kid yourself – you will be caught. People make mistakes, the world is small, and karma is a bitch.

Being married and having an affair are way more common than most people think.

15% of married women have affairs, and 25% of married men do. And more than 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I am hoping that, if you are reading this article, you are considering what to do about your affair – if it truly is something that you want as a part of your life. I know the ups are amazing, but how bad are the downs? Pretty bad right?

So, keep in mind that you aren ‘ t soulmates, that you won ‘ t ever be together, that your children ‘ s health is at risk and that you will be caught.

Are any of those things worth the risk that you are taking every day? Think about it!

 

5 Ways to Stay Calm During an Argument with Your Spouse

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Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse might be just the key to marital happiness.

I mean, how many of us have been in a knock down drag out with our spouse that got us absolutely nowhere? Both of us yelling and screaming and throwing out accusations and blame.

How productive do you find those fights? Not at all, I am guessing. How do they work for your marriage? Not well, I am guessing.

There are ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse. Knowing them, and putting them into action, will help your arguments be more productive and hopefully prevent you needing to hash things out over and over and over.

Here are my 5 tried and true ways to stay calm during an argument with your spouse.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

I know that this seems like aclichébut taking deep breaths is an essential part of managing any stressful situation.

When we are stressed out, our body goes into fight or flight mode. When that happens, our blood goes to our adrenal system, away from our brain, and our ability to think clearly is clouded.

To counter act this cloudiness, take a deep breath. Taking a deep breath will bring some of that blood back to your brain, allowing you to think more clearly and to stay calm.

As an example, picture yourself on the highway, trying to pass a tractor trailer. I am guessing that you, like me, are gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life, holding your breath as you do so. I have discovered that, if I take a deep breath as I pass, my heart stops pounding and I loosen the grip on the wheel and sail by the truck unscathed. Try it – you will see what I mean.

So, as you work to stay calm during an argument with your spouse, remember to take deep breaths. It will make a huge difference.

#2 – Step back but don ‘ t storm out.

A friend of mine once told me that before I react to something that someone has done to me, take 2 hours and see if it is still an issue. If you find that it still is, talk to them about it. And if you do, I am guessing that you will find yourself calmer than you might have if you had gotten into it right away.

Sometimes it ‘ s impossible to take 2 hours before you address an issue with your spouse but the key here is to take a step back to calm down and to reassess. I don ‘ t mean to storm off in a huff but to pause, go walk the dog and consider next steps.

Does the issue warrant a huge fight? What is your role in all of this? Will having a knock down drag out really change anything or would a conversation be more productive?

Yesterday I was a furious at my step-father ‘ s new girlfriend for throwing away my mom ‘ s stuff. I reached for the phone to rip her a new one. But then I told myself to pause, finish what I was doing, and then see if I wanted to reach out.

2 hours later I was able to craft a text message that addressed my issues briefly and succinctly. I was able to walk away from the issue knowing that I had kept my calm and reminded her that she violated an existing agreement that she wouldn ‘ t throw my mom ‘ s things away.

So, take some time before you flip out. You will be happy you did.

#3 – Don ‘ t take things personally.

For many of us, when we are having an argument with our spouse, we tend to take what they are saying personally, as if their words were a personal attack on who we are as a person. And when we are attacked, we tend to go on the defensive and lose our cool. No one wants to be attacked as a person, after all.

I have a client who, every time she and her spouse got into something, she immediately reverted back to the idea that he blamed her for everything that was at issue. That he was judging her for whatever had happened and that he thought her incapable of handing things.

As result, their arguments would get out of control and were, therefore, completely unproductive.

When you are arguing with your spouse and your mind starts to go there, to take things personally, step back and see if that is what your partner is really saying. Are they really blaming and judging you for what is happening or are they frustrated and angry and sharing those feelings but not making it all about you?

If you can recognize that what your partner is saying isn ‘ t a personal attack, it will help you stay calm in the moment.

#4 – Don ‘ t hold onto soundbites.

You know when you and your spouse are going at it and someone says something that is stupid and thoughtless. Something that perhaps they didn ‘ t mean but they said it in the heat of the moment. Something that you zero in on as a weapon in the fight going forward.

Holding onto things that are said in the heat of the moment will only cause you to spiral to a dark place.

Imagine if you are in a fight with your spouse and you say something like ‘ ˜You always do this. You are a mama ‘ s boy and always put her needs first. ‘ While you might mean this sentiment, that you feel like your husband makes his mother a priority over you, the fact that you called your spouse a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ could be something that your husband zeros in on to hold over your head during the argument. So, instead of the fight being about his priorities and making attempts to make change, it spirals into one about how horrible your words are around his relationship with his mother.

Which will get you nowhere.

So, make an effort to let go of the sound bites. I am guessing that you didn ‘ t truly mean that your husband was a ‘ ˜mama ‘ s boy ‘ but, unless your partner can let those words go, the fight will devolve into being about them completely.

#5 – Don ‘ t raise your voice.

Finally, an essential part of how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is working to not raise your voice.

When we yell, our body chemistry changes. Our emotional brain takes over, our stress reaction is stimulated and our fight or flight instinctscomes rushing in. And when this happens, all hell can break loose.

Instead of yelling, I would encourage you to take those deep breaths and to step away so that you can regain your composure. If you continue to yell, not only will your partner be in high alert mode and be unable to hear your words but they might shut down completely and go silent. Both of those things will get you nowhere.

If you can work hard to keep yourself from yelling it will help your argument not become a screaming mess where nothing gets worked out.

Knowing how to stay calm during an argument with your spouse is a key to keeping the disagreements productive so that they don ‘ t have to happen again and again and again.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article, you are eager to change the pattern in your marital spats. So, remember to take deep breaths so that you can think clearer, to step away for a moment, or an hour, to reassess. To try to not to take things personally and hold on to soundbites. And try, really hard, not to yell.

I know that you can do this. We all can make change with awareness. Now that you have it you are ready to start making those disagreements productive and make real change in your relationship.

17 Strong Woman Quotes to Inspire You to Let Go of Love & Move On

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There are nothing like emotionally strong women quotes to inspire you to let go of a love that isn’t serving you and move on.

Words from other women, whether they be poets, movie stars or moms, who have been through what we are going through and survived, inspire us to take the steps and to take action. To live our best lives with a love that completes us.

I have compiled 17 of the best strong women quotes to help you let go of a love that isn ‘ t serving you and to move on to find the love that you seek.

Here they are:

A strong woman loves, forgives, walks away, lets go, tries again, and perseveres ‘ ¦ not matter what life throws at her.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for. – Jennifer Lopez

I am proud of the woman I am today, because I went through one hell of a time becoming her.

A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted. She won ‘ t fix it or beg, she ‘ ll just walk away.

You ‘ ll heal. You ‘ ll be okay. You ‘ ll let go. – PTLM

‘ You ‘ re gonna be happy ‘ said life, ‘ but first I ‘ ll make you strong. ‘

She may be broken for a while, but that ‘ s ok. She ‘ s working on her, cause she ‘ s not one to leave a mess lying around. – JM Storm

Once you figure out what respect tastes like, it tastes better than attention.- Pink

If my strength intimidates you, I hope you realize that ‘ s a weakness of yours.

Sometimes an angel, sometimes a hell raiser, always a strong woman. – R. H. Sin

Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says ‘ Oh crap, she ‘ s up!

Today, hang in there, hold on and be strong. Keep going. You will and you can get through this ‘ ¦ – Heather A. Stillufsen

A strong woman builds her own world. She is one who is wise enough to know that it will attract the man she will gladly share it with. ‘

If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave. – Mo Willems

I didn ‘ t cause it. I can ‘ t control it. I can ‘ t cure it. But I won ‘ t condone it.

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life.

You have to have confidence in your ability, and then be tough enough to follow through. – Rosalynn Carter

I so hope that these strong women quotes have inspired you, that they have made you see that you can let go of a love that isn ‘ t good for you and that you will survive the aftermath. That you will be able to get stronger and move on to find the person you want, and deserve.

Because you can!

Check out my brand new course, 4 WEEKS TO LETTING GO OF LOVE AND MOVING ON. If you are struggling with the pain of a break up and want to get past it and move on, this is the course for you. Check it out here!

 

5 Signs That it’s Time to Break Up With Someone

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Are you wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone who is making you miserable?

Are you unhappy in your relationship but perhaps rationalizing why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else?

Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again?

Let me help you.

Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that ‘ s hard to let go of.

So, how do you know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it ‘ s time to end your relationship and move on.

#1 – Can you talk about things?

Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication.

When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding about what is being said. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone ‘ s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.

Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren ‘ t able to talk about their feelings and they aren ‘ t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They aren ‘ t able to address issues and so they fester.

If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you don ‘ t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.

#2 – Are you getting mixed messages?

Is your person alternating hot and cold?

Do some days they seem like their loving self and then on others are they crabby and distant and no fun to be with?

Are they one moment kind and loving and then another dismissive and condescending?

Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses?

Is the way they are treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?

People who are ‘ ˜all in ‘ in a relationship don ‘ t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh word, but people in healthy relationships, in general, treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors.

If your person makes you feel constantly off kilter and anxious, it is definitely a sign that it might be time to let them go.

#3 – Does history keeps repeating itself?

Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almostlike they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?

Does your person tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?

Do you fight over the same subjects over and over?

Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one, or both, of you try?

If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it ‘ s time to let break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.

#4 – Are you staying for the wrong reasons?

Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can ‘ t let this person go because you believe if you do that you will never love, or be loved, again?

Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread?

Perhaps you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don ‘ t believe in giving up?

Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough?

If you are staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you are staying for the wrong reasons.

Know that, you will only find the love and happiness you seek if you can let go of someone who is wrong for you and move forward to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.

#5 – You don ‘ t have a life of your own.

It is very important that both sides of a relationship arenot completely reliant on the other for their happiness.

I have a client whose whole life has to revolve around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he is gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home and watch what he wants to watch every night.

She has been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn ‘ t.

She doesn ‘ t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that is making her miserable.

Make sure that, when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.

Make sure that you are making choices for how you want to live your life and that you aren ‘ t being controlled by your partner.

If you have lost yourself and your life is out of you control, perhaps it ‘ s time to break up with someone who has made it that way.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if it ‘ s time to break up with someone because you suspect, deep down, that this relationship will only make you miserable.

But it ‘ s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.

It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy.

I can promise you that holding onto to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, to a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can really love you the way that you want to be loved!

You can do this! I promise.

To help you let go of love and move on, I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it to be just the thing you need to take that first step towards the rest of your life!

5 Ways to Forgive Someone Who Has Had an Affair

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If you have just found out that your partner has cheated, I am guessing that you are asking yourself how to forgive someone who has had an affair.

I mean, your person has betrayed you. The person you love and want to be with has been with someone else.

And you wonder if you will ever be able to get past it. Ever be able to be happy with your person again.

I can tell you that it is possible to forgive someone who has had an affair, but that it will take some time and effort.

If forgiveness is something that you actively seek, here are 5 things that you can do to get there.

#1 – Ask yourself if and why you really want this.

You have been betrayed. You are devastated. You are angry. You are sad.

And you probably want, more than anything, to go back to that time when you didn ‘ t know your partner had cheated because you were happy then.

So, let me ask you, are you seeking to forgive your partner so that your life can get back to normal? Or are you seeking to forgive your partner because you want to move forward with your partner toward a healthy relationship?

Forgiveness doesn ‘ t mean burying your head in the sand so that you can get back to the way things were. Doing so will only prolong your pain and any chance of recovery.

Once you are clear on why you want to work to forgive, it is important that you decide whether or not forgiveness is something that you are determined to achieve. This process won ‘ t be easy, and it ‘ s going to take determination and work to get to that place where you can forgive and move forward.

So, take a good hard look at whether you think you can get to a place of forgiveness. You might find that you aren ‘ t sure if you can get there yet but that you are ok taking the first steps down the road. Take it one step at a time, reevaluating as you go along if forgiveness is possible.

#2 – Talk to your partner ‘ ¦

It is essential that you and your partner discuss what has happened.

There has been a betrayal, and there is a serious breach of trust between the two of you. And for you to be able to move forward, your partner needs to acknowledge what has happened and accept responsibility.

Many people, after they have cheated, refuse to take responsibility for their actions. Instead of saying, ‘ ˜yes, I did it, ‘ they lie, they deny, they blame, they justify.

You will find it very difficult to forgive someone who doesn ‘ t acknowledge their actions and the effect that it has had on you.

It is essential that you and your partner are able to talk honestly about what happened so that can have the opportunity to forgive. If your partner doubles down and refuses to discuss it, you will be left with nothing but questions and pain, which will make forgiveness impossible.

#3 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t ask for details.

I have a client who, once she found out that her husband was having an affair, insisted that he let her read all of the correspondence between him and his lover. Boy, did she regret it?

On top of the knowledge that her husband was cheating on her, after reading the texts, she had insight into the intimacies they shared. His declaration that he needed to be with his lover, his lover saying deprecating things about my client, their plans for going away together, and talk of the future were all devastating to see.

And once she had seen them, she could never unsee them.

What happened next? Even though she wanted to forgive him, even though he was willing to take responsibility for what happened, and even though they sought help, the words that she read stayed in her head, playing themselves over and over and over. As a result, she was never able to reach the forgiveness that they both hoped she would achieve and their marriage ended.

So, talk to your partner but don ‘ t ask for details. If you do, you might very well regret it.

#4 – Get help.

It is important that you get help processing what happened with your partner.

You have been betrayed by the person you loved. You are most likely furious, but you are also devastated. You might even blame yourself. All of these things are things that, if left unmanaged, can hinder your ability to forgive and only plunge you down into a darker place.

I would encourage you to seek help from a therapist or a life coach, to process what has happened, to take a look at your role in it, to define steps that you, personally, need to take to work through this and to hold yourself accountable to do so.

If you actively want to forgive someone who has had an affair, get some help. Don ‘ t just talk to your friends about what happened. They will tell you what you want to hear, which won ‘ t help you move forward and might even hinder it.

#5 – Consider couple ‘ s counseling.

Ok, you have decided that you are going to work to try to forgive your partner for what happened. You have talked about it together, and you have done some work on your own to process what you are going through and how to take care of yourself.

Now comes this very important part. Counseling.

Ugh, I know. Counseling sounds so horrible, and for many people, the embarrassment around an affair is enough to make them avoid therapy at all costs.

But, the affair didn ‘ t happen in a void. There was something missing or amiss in your relationship that opened up the door for cheating. And this thing is important to identify.

Furthermore, a therapist can help the betrayer understand how the betrayed feels, which I have found is a key to forgiveness – knowing that the person truly understands the effect the cheating had on them.

I know that your instinct is to try to work through this together without help. I am guessing that your partner, particularly, doesn ‘ t want to go down this road with a professional but getting some guidance when working through this is the key to being able to forgive someone who has had an affair.

Learning how to forgive someone who has had an affair is not an easy thing.

What has happened is big – almost like a death – and dealing with it will take time and work.

Not everyone can reach a place of forgiveness, and if that is you, it ‘ s ok. It ‘ s ok to want to move forward alone, so don ‘ t judge yourself for deciding to do so.

On the other hand, if you want to forgive and move forward, it ‘ s definitely worth trying, so go for it! You might just find a happier, healthier relationship on the other side!

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